Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2006
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 50 minutes
• style: satire
• suitable for general audiences
• 25 characters (gender interchangeable)
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Spacesbus” takes place on an “interstellar spacebus” travelling to a distant planet. The passengers and crew become enmeshed in a mishmash of deepening conflicts as conditions on the spacebus deteriorate and the universe teeters on the brink of disaster.
(This play was first performed on January 26, 27, 30, & 31, in the year 2006, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
∗Published Online by Good School Plays, March 25, 2016.
Go to:
Act One, Scene 1
Act One, Scene 2
Act One, Scene 3
Act One, Scene 4
Act One, Scene 5
Act Two, Scene 1
Act Two, Scene 2
Act Two, Scene 3
Act Two, Scene 4
Act Three, Scene 1
Act Three, Scene 2
Act Three, Scene 3
Act Three, Scene 4
CHARACTERS:
The Crew:
Space Commander Sky Roswell
Space Mechanic Booster Rocket
Space Navigator Sparky Vector
Space Hostess Pacifica Slipstream
The Ice Galaxians:
Grand Emperor Kool of the Ice Galaxy
Frostbite, Emperor Kool’s attendant
Chilblain, Emperor Kool’s attendant
The Fire Galaxians:
Grand Empress Blaze of the Fire Galaxy
Scorch, Empress Blaze’s attendant
Sizzle, Empress Blaze’s attendant
The Backspace Boys:
Haley Starmaker, their manager
Mikey Moondog
Johnny Jett
Kenny Comet
The Space Cadets:
Landona Planet, Troop Leader
Gravity Vortex, Space Cadet 1st. Class
Inertia Retro, Space Cadet 2nd. Class
Milky Way, Space Cadet 3rd. Class
The High Priestesses of the Great Void:
Infinitina
Cosmolina
Starshina
The Space Marines:
Sgt. Zap Laser
Sgt. Regan Blastum
The Mother and Daughter:
Luna Crater
Stardust Crater, Luna’s daughter
Spacebus by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 1:
(COMMANDER ROSWELL addresses the crew prior to the takeoff of Grayhound Spacebus “Voidbuster”.)
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Crew of Grayhound Spacebus “Voidbuster”! We are about to take off from Planet Alpha enroute to Planet Omega.
REST OF CREW
Aye, aye, Commander Roswell!
COMMANDER ROSWELL
We will take a moment here in the lounge of our ship to assess conditions for our voyage.
REST OF CREW
Aye, aye, Commander Roswell!
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Space Mechanic Rocket, pre-trip report, please.
SPACE MECHANIC ROCKET
Propulsion unit wonky but workable, Commander Roswell. Some systems functioning, others kaput.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Will she make it, Booster?
SPACE MECHANIC ROCKET
She’s taken us to hell and back before, Commander. No reason to think she’ll fail us now.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Level of risk acceptable. Thank you, Booster. Space Navigator Vector, travel hazard report please.
SPACE NAVIGATOR VECTOR
Scanners indicate asteroid storms and meteor showers in the vicinity of the Sigma constellation, Commander Roswell.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
We’ll have to use the anti-matter unit to get through those storms, Booster.
SPACE MECHANIC ROCKET
Aye, aye, skipper.
SPACE NAVIGATOR VECTOR
There may be trouble with space pirates in the Rigelplatt sector, Commander.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Space pirates! Are the plasma weapons operative, Booster.
SPACE MECHANIC ROCKET
Partially, Commander.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
They’ll have to do.
SPACE NAVIGATOR VECTOR
What will we do if we’re attacked by TumTum battle cruisers, Commander?
COMMANDER ROSWELL
We are not yet officially at war with the TumTum League. We must hope that hostilities do not break out while we are enroute to Planet Omega. Estimated duration of journey, Sparky?
SPACE NAVIGATOR VECTOR
Approximately twenty-two nano-plasters, Commander.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Why so long?
SPACE NAVIGATOR VECTOR
We must detour around a black hole in the Nebulon region.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Hazard report accepted. Space Hostess Slipstream, a psychological profile of our passengers, if you please.
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
Emotionally unstable, mutually-exclusive groups with conflicting agendas, Commander Roswell.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Details of groups, Pacifica?
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
Royalty, entertainers, space cadets, priestesses, space marines, and a mother and daughter, Commander Roswell.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Duly noted. High probability of fighting amongst passengers. You must be prepared to administer sleeping gas, Pacifica.
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
No can do, Commander. The Company removed the sleeping gas canister to make room for more passengers.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Stupid mistake by the Company, but there’s nothing to be done. Just do your best to keep the passengers calm, Pacifica.
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
Aye aye, Commander Roswell.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Crew, prepare to meet the passengers!
(The CREW line up on one side of the stage to make room for the PASSENGERS.)
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Booster, activate the entrance portal to admit the passengers.
SPACE MECHANIC ROCKET
At once, Commander.
(She uses a remote control to activate the portal.)
End of Act One, Scene 1.
Spacebus by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 2:
(GRAND EMPEROR KOOL and his attendants FROSTBITE and CHILBLAIN enter.)
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
Presenting Grand Emperor Kool of the Ice Galaxy, and his attendants Frostbite and Chilblain.
(The crew, except COMMANDER ROSWELL, kneel before his magnificence the GRAND EMPEROR KOOL.)
COMMANDER ROSWELL
We are honoured to have you aboard the Voidbuster, your imperial highness!
(The CREW rises.)
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
My own vessel was forced to land here on Planet Alpha due to mechanical failure, and so I am forced to use this primitive spacebus to travel the remaining distance to Planet Omega.
FROSTBITE
Grand Emperor Kool is attending the War Conference on Planet Omega, where he will make an important speech about the TumTum threat.
CHILBLAIN
We must insist that you keep the thermostat turned down so that Emperor Kool does not overheat.
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
I must be cool, I must be cool, so I can do my speech. Heat will make me melt. I’m sure you understand.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
We’ll do our best to keep the Voidbuster cool and comfortable, your most royal Koolness.
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
Hmmmppphhh.
(He and his entourage stand to one side as GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE and her attendants SCORCH and SIZZLE enter.)
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
Presenting Grand Empress Blaze of the Fire Galaxy, and her attendants Scorch and Sizzle.
(The CREW, except the COMMANDER, kneel.)
COMMANDER ROSWELL
We are deeply flattered that you chose the Grayhound Spacebus Company as your mode of transportation, Your Most Royal Hotness.
(The CREW rises.)
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
I am forced to ride this icy-cold spacebus because my imperial star cruiser developed a leak enroute to the War Conference on Planet Omega.
SCORCH
The Grand Empress must make an important speech about the TumTum threat.
SIZZLE
We must insist that you keep your thermostat turned up to the maximum setting.
SCORCH
If Grand Empress Blaze’s temperature drops by just a few degrees, she will freeze solid.
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
I must be hot. I must be hot. How can I make my speech about the TumTums if I’m frozen solid?
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
Ahem.
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
What’s that?
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL, FROSTBITE, and CHILBLAIN
Ahem.
SCORCH and SIZZLE
Intruders from the Ice Galaxy, your Royal Hotness!
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
I am not an “intruder”. I am Grand Emperor Kool, and I must insist that the thermostat be turned down, not up!
FROSTBITE and CHILBLAIN
Down, not up!
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
You’re not my mother! The thermostat will be turned up, not down!
SCORCH and SIZZLE
Up, not down!
COMMANDER ROSWELL
I’m sure we can find some sort of compromise.
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
Hmmmmppphhhh!
(She and her ATTENDANTS stand to one side, far away from GRAND EMPEROR KOOL and his group, as the HIGH PRIESTESSES OF THE GREAT VOID enter.)
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
Presenting the High Priestesses of the Great Void!
(The CREW, except the COMMANDER, kneel.)
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Welcome aboard the Voidbuster, your most holy holinesses.
(The CREW stands.)
INFINITINA
I am Infinitina, see me glow!
COSMOLINA
I am Cosmolina, soft as snow!
STARSHINA
I am Starshina, yo, yo, yo!
ALL THREE PRIESTESSES
Off to Planet Omega we go, to attend the Peace Conference.
ALL THE ICE GALAXY AND FIRE GALAXY PEOPLE
We are on our way to attend the War Conference!
ALL THREE PRIESTESSES
Hmmmmpphhhh!
(They speak a poem in unison.)
ALL THREE PRIESTESSES
War, war, it’s full of gore!
It just brings death and nothing more!
Peace, peace, it’s soft as fleece!
It brings us joy that does not cease!
(They take a position between the ICE GALAXIANS and FIRE GALAXIANS as the SPACE CADETS enter.)
End of Act One, Scene 2.
Spacebus by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 3:
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
A group of Space Cadets with their troop leader Landona Planet, Commander Roswell.
LANDONA PLANET
Kneel, girls! There’s royalty here!
THE SPACE CADETS
Do we have to?
LANDONA PLANET
Yes, girls! They will flog us if we don’t!
THE SPACE CADETS
Awwwww!
(The SPACE CADETS and LANDONA PLANET kneel.)
LANDONA PLANET
Now introduce yourselves, girls.
GRAVITY VORTEX
Space Cadet First Class Gravity Vortex!
INERTIA RETRO
Space Cadet Second Class Inertia Retro!
MILKY WAY
Space Cadet Third Class Milky Way!
LANDONA PLANET
(to the Space Cadets)
You may stand up now.
(The SPACE CADETS stand.)
LANDONA PLANET
We are on our way to the “Good Little Housekeepers” symposium on Planet Omega!
THE SPACE CADETS
(looking at LANDONA PLANET with disgust)
Hmmmmppphhhhh!
(LANDONA PLANET and the SPACE CADETS take up their position onstage to make room for the entrance of the BACKSPACE BOYS space band.)
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
Introducing the “Backspace Boys”, the latest singing sensations on Planet Alpha, and their manager Haley Starmaker.
(The BACKSPACE BOYS and HALEY STARMAKER enter.)
HALEY STARMAKER
My boy band are on their way to Planet Omega for the Interplanetary Starsearch Competition….Presenting….Mikey Moondog!
MIKEY MOONDOG
(leaping forward in a semi-split and singing a sustained note)
Ahhhhhhhhhh!
HALEY STARMAKER
…Johnny Jett!
JOHNNY JETT
(also leaping forward in a semi-split and singing a sustained note)
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
HALEY STARMAKER
…and Kenny Comet!
KENNY COMET
(also leaping forward in a semi-split and singing a sustained note so that all three boys render a chord)
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
(The SPACE CADETS scream and jump up and down in excitement. The ICE GALAXIANS, FIRE GALAXIANS, and PRIESTESSES cover their ears.)
HALEY STARMAKER
All right, boys, that’s enough.
(The BACKSPACE BOYS leap to their feet and go back to stand by HALEY STARMAKER, slapping each others hands in self-congratulation as they do so.)
GRAVITY VORTEX
Can we get their autographs, Miss Planet?
INERTIA RETRO
Can we? Can we?
MILKY WAY
Please, please, please, please, please?
LANDONA PLANET
Absolutely not. And I don’t want you going anywhere near those boys. They’re…they’re…dangerous!
MIKEY MOONDOG
You got that right, lady! I’m real badboy, girls!
(The SPACE CADETS giggle.)
GRAVITY VORTEX
Oh, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey! You’re so exciting!
JOHHNY JETT
(cuffing Mikey on the shoulder)
Talk nice to the girls, Mikey. Hey girls, I wanna share my heart with you!
(The SPACE CADETS giggle.)
INERTIA RETRO
Oh, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny! You’re so sensitive!
KENNY COMET
I’m a lone wolf, girls. I do what I want, when I want!
(The SPACE CADETS giggle.)
MILKY WAY
Oh, Kenny, Kenny, Kenny, if you’re gonna be alone, please be alone with me!
THE BACKSPACE BOYS
(singing)
I’d do anything for you…
My little tasty candy treat…
I’d even kiss your dirty feet…
My little sugar, honey sweet!
(The SPACE CADETS scream and collapse.)
LANDONA PLANET (helping them up)
Girls, girls! Get up now! Miss Starmaker, you must keep your boys under control!
HALEY STARMAKER
No, Miss Planet, you must keep your girls under control! I better not catch them sneaking into the boys’ bunks!
LANDONA PLANET
And vice-versa, Miss Starmaker, and vice-versa!
(LANDONA and THE BACKSPACE BOYS step aside to make room for the entrance of the SPACE MARINES.)
End of Act One, Scene 3.
Spacebus by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 4:
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
Two Space Marines boarding the spacebus, Commander Roswell.
SERGEANT LASER
You got an awful big load of passengers, Commander.
SERGEANT BLASTUM
Think you can handle a couple of grunts on their way to Planet Alpha to defend them royal bigshots at the War Conference?
COMMANDER ROSWELL There’s always room on board for a pair of Space Marines. You can help maintain order.
SERGEANT LASER
Heck, yes. I’m Sergeant Zap Laser.
SERGEANT BLASTUM
And I’m Sergeant Regan Blastum.
SERGEANT LASER
You the Grand Emperor Kool of the Ice Galaxy?
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
I am indeed.
FROSTBITE and CHILBLAIN
All hail the Grand Emperor!
THE CREW OF THE VOIDBUSTER
All hail!
(LANDONA PLANET and HALEY STARMAKER nudge the SPACE CADETS and THE BACKSPACE BOYS.)
THE SPACE CADETS and THE BACKSPACE BOYS
Uhhh, All hail, I guess.
SERGEANT BLASTUM
And you’re Grand Empress Blaze of the Fire Galaxy?
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
I am her Blazing Majesty, the one and only!
SIZZLE and SCORCH
All hail the Grand Empress!
THE CREW OF THE VOIDBUSTER
All hail!
(LANDONA PLANET and HALEY STARMAKER nudge the SPACE CADETS and THE BACKSPACE BOYS.)
THE SPACE CADETS and THE BACKSPACE BOYS
(making it a question)
Ummm, All hail?
SERGEANT LASER
I guess they’re the ones we got to guard, Regan.
SERGEANT BLASTUM
Sir and Madam Emperor and Empress, we’re reporting for duty.
SERGEANT BLASTUM
Our mission is to make sure you make it to the War Conference in one piece.
SERGEANT BLASTUM
So don’t any of the rest of you try any funny business!
(SGT. BLASTUM joins the EMPRESS’S group, and SGT. LASER joins the EMPEROR’s group as LUNA CRATER and her daughter STARDUST enter.)
End of Act One, Scene 4.
Spacebus by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 5:
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
Commander, this is Mrs. Luna Crater, a single mother, and her daughter Stardust.
STARDUST
Look, Mummy! Lots of funny-looking people!
LUNA CRATER
They’re going to be our companions on our exciting journey to Planet Omega, Stardust!
STARDUST
Why do we have to go to Planet Omega, Mummy?
LUNA CRATER
Oh, Stardust, you know very well why we have to go.
STARDUST
Tell me again! Tell me again!
LUNA CRATER
You have something growing in your stomach, dear, and we must take you to Planet Omega for a little operation!
STARDUST
I don’t want an operation! Please, Mummy, don’t let them cut into my tummy with a knife!
LUNA CRATER
The doctors will put you to sleep first, dear Stardust, and when you wake up the nasty thing will be gone and your stomach will be sewn up as good as new!
STARDUST
But the thing in my tummy is my friend, Mummy!
LUNA CRATER
No, Stardust…it’s nasty and it’s got to go! Mummy has decided, so no more arguments!
STARDUST
Awwwww!
INFINITINA
Poor child! Her face is dark with fear!
COSMOLINA
And look, her eye just shed a tear!
STARSHINA
We’ll pray she lives to see next year!
(The PRIESTESSES put their heads down in prayer as LUNA and STARDUST take their places in the grand tableau.)
COMMANDER ROSWELL
(to the whole group)
Welcome aboard the Voidbuster, one of the many fine spacebusses managed by the Grayhound Spacebus Company. We trust you will enjoy your trip. I am Commander Roswell, your space pilot.
SPACE MECHANIC ROCKET
I am Space Mechanic Booster Rocket. Should anything malfunction in your space cabins, please notify me.
SPACE NAVIGATOR VECTOR
I am Space Navigator Sparky Vector. I will guide the Voidbuster all the way to Planet Omega. Do not be afraid. I am good at my job.
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
And I am Space Hostess Slipstream. You may call me Pacifica. I want you to have a soothing, relaxing voyage. If you have any psychological concerns, please see me and I will probe deeply into your soul and find a way to reduce your suffering.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Space Hostess Slipstream will direct you to your space cabins. You may make full use of this lounge at any time. Have a wonderful journey.
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
Ice Galaxians to the left, please…Fire Galaxians to the right.
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
Come, my cold and loyal servants. We will hurry down the overheated corridors!
FROSTBITE and CHILBLAIN
We will follow you into the fires of hell if necessary, Your Most Royal Iciness!
SERGEANT LASER
I got to watch your backs, even if they’re melting.
(They exit left.)
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
This way, my hot and huggable attendants. Stay close to me in the icy halls of this chilly ship!
SCORCH and SIZZLE
We will heat you up no matter what, Your Most Royal Hotness!
SERGEANT BLASTUM
I got to guard your butts, hot or not!
(They exit right.)
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
High Priestesses of the Great Void to the left, please!
INFINITINA, COSMOLINA, and STARSHINA
Off we go to the decks below to pray for everyone we know, ho, ho!
INFINITINA
(to COSMOLINA)
I’ll pray for you…to keep you strong…
COSMOLINA
(to STARSHINA)
I’ll pray for you……to right what’s wrong…
STARSHINA
(to COSMOLINA)
I’ll pray for you…to sing love’s song.
(They exit to the left.)
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
Space Cadets to the left, please….Backspace Boys to the right.
LANDONA PLANET
Come along, girls…you all need a hot shower after that sweaty display!
THE SPACE CADETS
But we had two showers already today!
LANDONA PLANET
You are young ladies! You must always be as fresh as the primeval swamps on a newborn planet!
THE SPACE CADETS
Ewwwww!
(They exit.)
HALEY STARMAKER
Come on, boys. You’re all staying in one room so there’s less chance of girl trouble.
THE BACKSPACE BOYS
Awwww!
HALEY STARMAKER
Later, we’ll come back to the lounge and practise your new dance moves.
MIKEY MOONDOG
Johnny said we should wear black leather laminated to our skin when we perform.
JOHNNY JETT
Get it right, Mikey.
MIKEY MOONDOG
Oh yeah, it wasn’t leather! It was red velvet.
JOHNNY JETT
There’s a big difference, Mikey.
KENNY COMET
I’m not wearing velvet. Metal, maybe, but not velvet.
(They exit.)
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
And for you, Mrs. Crater and Stardust, we have a tiny tube next to the engine room. Just go to your left…
LUNA CRATER
A tube?
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
Yes. It’s all we have. There used to be a canister of sleeping gas in it.
STARDUST
Mummy, I don’t want to sleep in a tube!
LUNA CRATER
Oh, now, Stardust, it’ll be cozy!
STARDUST
No, it will be like a coffin, Mummy!
LUNA CRATER
(to SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM)
She’s so afraid of dying. It’s her operation, you see. The odds aren’t too good.
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
Poor child! Stardust, let me massage your temples…
STARDUST
All right, but you’ll be sorry.
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
I’ll be the judge of that.
(She places her fingers on STARDUST’S temples and is suddenly vibrating violently, then is tossed backward by some sort of force.)
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
Aieeeeeeee!
LUNA CRATER
Stardust! See what you did to the nice lady, naughty girl?
STARDUST
It was the thing in my tummy, Mummy! It was the thing in my tummy!
COMMANDER ROSWELL
(going to SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM with SPARKY and BOOSTER and helping her up)
Are you all right, Pacifica?
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
I think so. But I saw some sort of awful creature in my imagination.
STARDUST
The thing in my tummy! The thing in my tummy!
LUNA CRATER
I must take her to that tube immediately! She needs a rest! Please excuse us!
(They exit left.)
SPACE MECHANIC ROCKET
This is a heck of a way to start the journey.
SPACE NAVIGATOR VECTOR
I don’t like the look of this.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Nevertheless, we must press on! After all, we are the crew of Spacebus Voidbuster, and we do our duty even if the dark lord himself conspires to throw obstacles in our path!
THE REST OF THE CREW
Aye, aye, Skipper!
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Let’s get to the bridge and fire this baby up!
THE REST OF THE CREW
Hurray for Commander Roswell! Hurray!
(They exit in a flourish.)
End of Act One, Scene 5.
Spacebus by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 1:
(GGRAND EMEROR KOOL rushes in, followed by his two ATTENDANTS and SGT. LASER.)
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
No! I will not go in that cabin! It’s too blasted hot!
FROSTBITE
But Emperor Kool, you must rest!
CHILBLAIN
How will you make your big speech at the War Conference if you are exhausted?
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
Yes, how? I must convince all the galaxies in our Space Sector to join us in the war against the TumTum League!
SERGEANT LASER
Them TumTums are nasty little devils.
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
I must pull myself together. Is there no way to cool me down, Frostbite and Chilblain?
FROSTBITE
I will flap my hands at you.
(FROSTBITE fans the EMEROR.)
CHILBLAIN
Me too.
(FROSTBITE fans the EMPEROR.)
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
Stop! Stop! It does no good! I am burning up!
(They stop.)
SERGEANT LASER
You looked like a couple of hummingbirds attacking a stork.
CHILBLAIN
I wish we were back on our own spaceship.
FROSTBITE
It was probably sabotaged by the TumTums.
SERGEANT LASER
The evil little scumsuckers.
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
I will not survive the journey to the War Conference unless I can find a way to cool down.
FROSTBITE
Then the TumTums will conquer each galaxy in our sector one by one.
CHILBLAIN
Swallowing us up, bit by bit.
SERGEANT LASER
They’re not gonna get me without a fight.
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
If only I could make it to Planet Omega, I know I could convince the other emperors to join us in the fight.
FROSTBITE
I know! A cold shower!
CHILBLAIN
Yes, a cold shower! That will stop you from melting, Your Royal Coolness.
SERGEANT LASER
But those Space Cadets are taking showers. They’re gonna use up all the water.
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
Surely it recirculates?
SERGEANT LASER
Yeah, but each time it’s used, it gets warmer.
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
Then we must take advantage of the water while it is still moderately cool.
FROSTBITE
Come on, let’s get his Royal Coolness to a shower, and quickly!
CHILBLAIN
I’ll help you heft him, Frostbite!
(FROSTBITE and CHILBLAIN try to lift the EMPEROR, but fail.)
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
Curse this heat! I’m so weak!
SERGEANT LASER
Here comes the Empress of the Fire Galaxy.
(GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE of the Fire Galaxy enters with SCORCH, SIZZLE, and SGT. BLASTUM.)
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
It is too cold in my cabin! I am freezing solid!
SCORCH
But you must rest, your Royal Hotness!
SIZZLE Y
es, you must rest, so you will be strong for your speech at the War Conference!
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
Yes. I must convince the galaxies in our sector not to go to war against the TumTums.
SERGEANT BLASTUM
But them TumTums want to take over the universe, Empress Blaze.
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
We must make peace with them, not fight them, Sergeant.
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
Are you mad? We must fight them or they will destroy us one by one!
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
We cannot defeat them even if we are united! OH! I am SO COLD!
FROSTBITE
You are the Empress of the Fire Galaxy!
CHILBLAIN
You’re supposed to be hot and full of passion!
FROSTBITE
But you won’t help us fight the TumTums!
SCORCH
How can she be hot and full of passion in this freezing spaceship?
CHILBLAIN
Freezing? It’s roasting in here!
SIZZLE
(showing the EMPRESS’S arm)
Then how do you explain these goosebumps?
SERGEANT BLASTUM
Maybe you should have a hot shower, Empress Blaze.
SERGEANT LASER
Won’t work. Emperor Kool here wants to use the shower water to cool down. It’ll be lukewarm at best when you get it.
SCORCH
Why, you selfish ice cubes!
SIZZLE
We ought to give you rug burns!
FROSTBITE
Try it, you stinky little flamers!
CHILBLAIN
We’ll cool your jets in a hurry!
(SCORCH fights with FROSTBITE, SIZZLE fights with CHILBLAIN; SGT. LASER pulls SCORCH and FROSTBITE apart, and SGT. BLASTUM pulls CHILBLAIN and SIZZLE apart.)
SERGEANT LASER
All right, that’s enough!
SERGEANT BLASTUM
Save your energy for fighting the TumTums!
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
No, we must not fight the TumTums! They’re too strong!
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
Either we fight the TumTums together, or we lose everything!
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
I can’t let you speak at the War Conference!
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
You are a danger to us all! I must end your life!
(They EMPEROR and EMPRESS try to strangle each other, but CHILBLAIN, FROSTBITE, and SGT. LASER pull EMPEROR KOOL off EMPRESS BLAZE, and SCORCH, SIZZLE, and SERGEANT BLASTUM pull EMPRESS BLAZE off EMPEROR KOOL.)
SERGEANT LASER
Me and Sergeant Blastum are under orders to protect you both!
SERGEANT BLASTUM
We can’t let you kill each other!
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
Just keep that cowardly barbecue briquet away from me.
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
Barbecue briquet! Why, you war-mongering icicle!
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
Blowtorch breath!
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
Blue-tongued ice zombie!
(The EMPEROR and EMPRESS try to fight again, but again they are pulled apart.)
SERGEANT LASER
We got to get them back to their cabins.
SERGEANT BLASTUM
If they stay here, they’ll kill each other.
(Suddenly, both EMPEROR and EMPRESS lose all their fight and slump dejectedly, with the EMPEROR fanning his face with his hand, and the EMPRESS shivering with cold.)
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
What’s the use. We’re never going to make it to that conference anyway.
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
Take me to my cabin so I can freeze in peace.
SERGEANT LASER
Let’s get ‘em out of here.
(The ICE GALAXIANS exit left; the FIRE GALAXIANS exit right.)
End of Act Two, Scene 1.
Spacebus by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 2:
(The HIGH PRIESTESSES OF THE GREAT VOID enter.)
INFINITINA
I had a nightmare in my bed
I dreamed the TumTums ate my head!
COSMOLINA
Me too! I dreamed I screamed with pain
While the TumTums ate my brain!
STARSHINA
I dreamed I trembled, shook and shivered
While the TumTums ate my liver!
INFINITINA
I screamed and hollered, groaned and moaned
While the TumTums ate my bones!
COSMOLINA
The TumTums chewed on all my parts,
They even chewed my beating heart!
STARSHINA
A TumTum said, “My name is Sidney!”
Then he chomped upon my kidney!
INFINITINA
In our dreams the TumTums taste us!
COSMOLINA
There’s something evil on this spacebus!
STARSHINA
Something nasty wants to waste us!
INFINITINA
It’s strange the way we fret and fuss…
There’s only friends upon this bus…
COSMOLINA
Oh sure, they’ll say they’re all our friends
But what if someone just pretends?
STARSHINA
Friends or foes, we cannot know,
Until we see into their souls.
INFINITINA
(moving across the stage as though pulled)
Some energy is pulling here,
It’s something devilish bad, I fear…
COSMOLINA
(also moving as though drawn by some unseen force)
My feet are moving on their own
I feel as though I’m all alone…
STARSHINA
(also moving under the control of an unseen force)
My mind is mine, my feet are not
See how they dance upon the spot?
(Suddenly, they are all rushing about the stage as if pulled and pushed and spun around until all three collapse. They all speak together as they rise.)
THE THREE PRIESTESSES
To our cabin we must go
To try to guess who is the foe.
Who pulls our bodies to and thro?
We’ll meditate until we know!
(They exit hurriedly to the left, intent on their need to meditate.)
End of Act Two, Scene 2.
Spacebus by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 3:
(The SPACE CADETS enter with LANDONA PLANET.)
LANDONA PLANET
Line up!
THE SPACE CADETS
At once, Leader 27!
LANDONA PLANET
You did a good job of pretending to be stupid humans.
THE SPACE CADETS
Thank you, Leader 27.
LANDONA PLANET
I know you must be uncomfortable in your human suits.
THE SPACE CADETS
They are very hot and they chafe on our TumTum skins.
LANDONA PLANET
But we must remain disguised until our mission is complete.
GRAVITY VORTEX
I am grateful I was chosen for the mission, even though it is suicide.
INERTIA RETRO
It is a glorious thing to die for the TumTum cause.
MILKY WAY
I regret I have only one life to give.
LANDONA PLANET
Resume your stupid human girl behaviour! The Backspace Boys approach!
(The SPACE CADETS revert to slumping, lazy postures as THE BACKSPACE BOYS enter with HALEY STARMAKER.)
HALEY STARMAKER
Miss Planet! The boys and I were hoping we could have the lounge to ourselves.
MIKEY MOONDOG
It’s okay, Miss Starmaker, I like it when girls watch me dance!
THE SPACE CADETS
Oh, Mikey Moondog, you’re our favourite!
MIKEY MOONDOG
If you’ve got it, flaunt it, I always say!
(MIKEY does a couple of dance moves. The SPACE CADETS clap.)
GRAVITY VORTEX
You’re the greatest, Mikey! Goodness, my knees are all weak! I wonder why! Perhaps it has something to do with your dreamy eyes, Mikey.
INERTIA RETRO
Can you dance too, Johnny Jett? I bet you can really shake your hips when you want to!
JOHNNY JETT
I like to express my emotions through movement. Watch!
(JOHNNY executes some interpretive dance moves.)
INERTIA RETRO
Why Johnny, I do believe I’m blushing! I guess I’m just a naughty little girl having naughty little thoughts!
MILKY WAY
Hey, Kenny Comet, can you dance as good as Johnny and Mikey?
KENNY COMET
I dance when I want to, little girl, not when you want me to.
MILKY WAY
I love a guy who knows his own mind, especially if he’s gorgeous! Heavens, did I just say that? Oh, Kenny, you’ve got me all mixed up inside!
KENNY COMET
That’s the way I like it, kid.
LANDONA PLANET
Miss Starmaker, I’ve already asked you to keep your randy boys away from my girls! They are very innocent and far too susceptible to the aggressive sexuality of these lads!
HALEY STARMAKER
Boys will be boys, Miss Planet, and girls will be girls. But I assure you, my boys are all talk and no action, except when it comes to singing and dancing for cold, hard cash, right, boys?
MIKEY MOONDOG
Aw, Miss Starmaker, you keep us on such a short leash.
JOHNNY JETT
Sometimes, my emotions get so stormy, I think I’m gonna explode! But I can’t, ‘cause Miss Starmaker would get mad and fire me from the band.
KENNY COMET
I’m a lone wolf, except when it comes to Miss Starmaker. She’s the leader of the pack, ‘cause she’s gonna make us rich and famous.
HALEY STARMAKER
Let’s show ‘em a little bit of what you’ve got to offer, boys. How about a couple of bars of “Girl, I’d wade through a swimming pool full of blood and fish guts just to smell your breath”?
MIKEY MOONDOG
Or how about “Baby, baby, your body is a theme park”?
JOHNNY JETT
No, no, let’s do “I’d chop off my hand just to see you smile, girl…!”
KENNY COMET
I say we do “I’m puttin’ my life in your hands baby ‘cause I’m messed up on drugs and you’re the only one that can save me”.
HALEY STARMAKER
Those are all good ones, boys. Which one do you choose, girls?
THE SPACE CADETS
All of them! All of them!
LANDONA PLANET
NONE OF THEM! The lyrics in those songs are DISGUSTING! I will not allow you to POLLUTE the ears of my delicate little girls with those VILE tunes! GIRLS! Go to your cabin NOW!
THE SPACE CADETS
Yes, Miss Planet. Bye, boys!
(Waving their hands in a flirty way, they exit right with LANDONA PLANET.)
HALEY STARMAKER All right, line up. Time to debrief. (the boys line up formally) You’ve done a good job of pretending to be self-centered, conceited, moronic boys who sing stupid, mindless love songs.
THE BACKSPACE BOYS
Thank you, Operative 008.
HALEY STARMAKER
It’s a perfect cover. No one would ever know who we really are, or what we are really trying to do.
MIKEY MOONDOG
That girl Gravity Vortex is infatuated with my cover character. I feel guilty.
HALEY STARMAKER
Don’t. She’ll get over it. Girls their age get a new crush every week.
JOHNNY JETT
I felt uncomfortable doing that interpretive dance. It doesn’t jive with my hyper-masculine core.
HALEY STARMAKER
That’s why it worked so well as a way to disguise who you really are.
KENNY COMET
I’m a team player, not a lone wolf. It hurts to pretend I don’t care about others.
HALEY STARMAKER
You’ll be able to make it up to them once we’ve achieved victory. Now, we’ve proven that our cover works. Let’s go back to your cabin and see if we’ve received any secret messages from headquarters.
End of Act Two, Scene 3.
(They exit left.)
Spacebus by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 4:
(STARDUST runs in holding her stomach, followed by LUNA CRATER.)
STARDUST
My tummy hurts so bad, Mummy.
LUNA CRATER
I know, Stardust, I know! But you’ve got to be a brave little girl for Mummy.
STARDUST
There’s something awful running around inside me, Mummy.
LUNA CRATER
The doctors on Planet Omega will take it out, dear.
STARDUST
But what if it doesn’t want to come out? What if it tries to hide in my heart?
LUNA CRATER
The doctors will catch it before it can do that, Stardust.
STARDUST
Will they kill it, Mummy?
LUNA CRATER T
hat depends on what it is.
STARDUST
What do you mean, Mummy?
LUNA CRATER
Well, it might be some sort of baby.
STARDUST
Baby? But I’m just a little girl. How could I have a baby in my tummy?
LUNA CRATER
I don’t know, dear. But scientists might want to study it, and they’d pay Mummy a lot of money to get their hands on it.
STARDUST
You want to make money off the monster in my tummy?
LUNA CRATER
Oh, Stardust, don’t you understand? Ever since your daddy was killed by a TumTum terrorist, we’ve been poor. Now we have a chance to be rich.
STARDUST
But I don’t want to be rich! I just want to get this thing out of my tummy!
LUNA CRATER
We’ll get it out of you, and be rich too! Won’t that be fun?
STARDUST
Fun?
(Suddenly, STARDUST is wracked with pain.)
STARDUST
Owwwwwwww! It’s biting! It’s biting!
LUNA CRATER
Let’s get you back to our tube. Perhaps it needs a cup of tea.
(They exit.)
End of Act Two, Scene 4.
Spacebus by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 5:
(SPACE MECHANIC ROCKET and SPACE NAVIGATOR VECTOR enter. They are shaking up and down because the Voidbuster is shaking.)
SPACE NAVIGATOR VECTOR
Why are we moving so slowly and shaking so badly, Booster?
SPACE MECHANIC ROCKET
The propulsion unit is acting up, Sparky. It’s missing a proton disk.
SPACE NAVIGATOR VECTOR
But didn’t you check the proton disks before we left?
SPACE MECHANIC ROCKET
Of course. They were both there at liftoff. It could be sabotage.
SPACE NAVIGATOR VECTOR
Sabotage? Who would sabotage a spacebus?
SPACE MECHANIC ROCKET
The TumTums.
SPACE NAVIGATOR VECTOR
But we’re not at war with them.
SPACE MECHANIC ROCKET
Not yet, but we could be very soon.
SPACE NAVIGATOR VECTOR
And we’re carrying high status passengers.
SPACE MECHANIC ROCKET
Maybe the TumTums want to stop them from getting to Planet Omega.
(SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTRAM enters.)
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
The ship’s shaking like a drunk in detox. What’s up, Booster?
SPACE MECHANIC ROCKET
Someone stole a proton disk from the propulsion unit.
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
Sabotage! I’d bet my spacesuit the TumTums are involved somehow.
SPACE MECHANIC ROCKET
But who could have done it?
SPACE NAVIGATOR VECTOR
All the passengers are on our side.
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
There’s that child Stardust…and the thing inside her.
SPACE MECHANIC ROCKET
But she’s just a kid, Pacifica.
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
You saw what happened when I touched her temples.
SPACE NAVIGATOR VECTOR
You got thrown across the lounge like a frog blown out of an exhaust pipe.
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM A
nd I saw something horrible in my mind…the thing inside her!
SPACE MECHANIC ROCKET
But a little kid wouldn’t know how to steal a proton disk from a high-tech space engine.
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
It doesn’t make sense. If only my intuitive powers were a little stronger…I just can’t quite understand what’s going on.
(The ship stops shaking.)
SPACE NAVIGATOR VECTOR
That’s better.
(COMMANDER ROSWELL enters. The CREW stands to attention.)
COMMANDER ROSWELL
I got the shaking under control by stuffing a cinnamon bun into the proton disk’s empty slot. If I want something done, it seems I have to do it myself. Coffee break’s over.
THE REST OF THE CREW
Aye, aye, Commander Roswell.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Sparky and Booster, back to your posts.
SPACE MECHANIC ROCKET and SPACE NAVIGATOR VECTOR
Aye, aye, Commander.
(They exit.)
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Any ideas about that missing proton disk?
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
No, Commander. I can’t figure it out.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
You’re a Space Hostess…you’re supposed to be empathetic. What’s gone wrong with you?
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
Ever since I touched that child on the temples, my intuition has gotten foggy.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
So the child has some sort of special power?
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
No. The thing inside her does.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Could it be some sort of alien life form?
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
Possibly. The poor kid. I’d guess she’s being used somehow.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Keep an eye on her. If you discover anything, tell me at once.
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
Of course.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
I’ve got to get back to the bridge. We’re entering an asteroid belt.
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
It’s going to be tough dodging rocks at this slow speed.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Reminds me of my days as a cadet when we had to use those old beaters for training.
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
At least those beaters had operational plasma cannons.
(They exit.)
End of Act Two, Scene 5.
Spacebus by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Three, Scene 1:
(Sergeant Laser and Sergeant Blastum enter from opposite sides)
SERGEANT LASER
How’s it going with Empress Blaze?
SERGEANT BLASTUM
She’s a mess. She wants peace with the TumTums, but she’s prepared to kill Emperor Kool to get it.
SERGEANT LASER
Ironic. Emperor Kool’s just as bad. He wants war with the TumTums so bad he’d kill Empress Blaze just to keep her from making her speech at the War Conference.
SERGEANT BLASTUM
They can’t seem to agree about anything.
SERGEANT LASER
You know what it means when a man and woman can’t agree about anything?
SERGEANT BLASTUM
What?
SERGEANT LASER
They’re in love.
SERGEANT BLASTUM
Yeah, in love. We need a plan. But what?
SERGEANT LASER
I say we try to get them together.
SERGEANT BLASTUM
Sure, in the interest of uniting the galaxies against the TumTums.
SERGEANT LASER
As usual, it takes a couple of dumb grunts like us to solve the problems of the universe.
SERGEANT BLASTUM
Here comes Empress Blaze.
SERGEANT LASER
I’ll leave you here to do your duty, soldier.
(SGT. LASER exits. GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE enters, escorted by SCORCH and SIZZLE.)
SCORCH
That’s it, Empress Blaze, keep moving…keep moving.
SIZZLE
Movement helps keep you warm, Empress.
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
I should never have taken this trip. It’s useless anyway. Emperor Kool’s speech in favour of war will ruin my speech in favour of peace.
SCORCH
We know how you long for peace, Empress Blaze.
SIZZLE
You’re such a gentle soul!
SERGEANT BLASTUM
She didn’t look very gentle when she was trying to choke Emperor Kool to death.
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
Soon, we will be plunged into war and the TumTums will eat us all. There’s nothing I can do to stop it.
SCORCH
I wish Emperor Kool was dead.
SIZZLE
I hate him, and his stupid attendants Frostbite and Chilblain.
SERGEANT BLASTUM
Hey, now, at least ol’ Koolio is on our side. And he’s a good lookin’ fella, too.
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
I suppose he is rather handsome, in an icy sort of way.
SERGEANT BLASTUM
That’s right. Why don’t you think about his good looks instead of his politics?
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
I might as well. There’s not much point fighting with him when our real enemies are the TumTums.
SERGEANT BLASTUM
And you, Scorch and Sizzle, haven’t you noticed that Frostbite and Chilblain are sort of sexy?
SCORCH
Frostbite does have nice eyes.
SIZZLE
And Chilblain has a cute butt.
SERGEANT BLASTUM
There, you see! You don’t really hate them after all!
(GRAND EMEPEROR KOOL enters with FROSTBITE, CHILBLAIN, and SERGEANT LASER.)
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
I’m starting to melt, aren’t I?
FROSTBITE J
ust a little bit, Emperor Kool.
CHILBLAIN
It doesn’t show.
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
There’s that naïve, peace-seeking fool of an Empress over there.
SERGEANT LASER
Oh come on, Emperor dude, there’s nothing wrong with peace, even if it is naïve.
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
She won’t feel very peaceful when the TumTums are chewing on her head.
SERGEANT LASER
Doesn’t that arouse protective feelings in you?
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
Protective feelings?
SERGEANT LASER
Yeah…you know…attractive empress seeks help from strong, cool emperor…that sort of thing?
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
Well, she is rather attractive, in a sweaty sort of way.
SERGEANT LASER
And Scorch…isn’t she a bit of a hottie, Frostbite?
FROSTBITE
She’s all right, I guess.
SERGEANT LASER
Just “all right”?
FROSTBITE
Cute. She’s cute. There, are you satisfied?
SERGEANT LASER
And what about Sizzle, Chilblain?
CHILBLAIN
What about her?
SERGEANT LASER
Doesn’t she put some fizzle in your whizzle?
CHILBLAIN
Pardon me?
SERGEANT LASER
You know what I’m talking about.
CHILBLAIN
I guess she’s got a nice shape.
SERGEANT LASER
There! That wasn’t so hard, was it?
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
But I don’t see how the Empress’s good looks can help me stay cool, or stop the TumTums from eating us.
SERGEANT LASER
Why don’t you make friends with her anyway. Two heads of state are better than one, right?
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
I suppose our combined intellects might produce something noteworthy.
SERGEANT LASER
Try to get her attention. Smile at her or something.
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
Smile?
FROSTBITE
Come on, Emperor Kool, you can do it.
CHILBLAIN
If you can get her to like you, maybe her two attendants will start to like us, too.
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
Oh, all right.
(he tries smiling)
How’s this?
SERGEANT LASER
Perfect.
(The EMPRESS’S group notices EMPEROR KOOL smiling at the EMPRESS.)
SERGEANT BLASTUM
Empress! Emperor Kool is smiling at you.
SCORCH
Maybe he wants something.
SIZZLE
He looks nervous.
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
(to SCORCH and SIZZLE)
How do I look?
SCORCH and SIZZLE
Fabulous!
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
Here I go!
(to EMPEROR KOOL)
Emperor Kool, do you want something?
SERGEANT LASER
Go for it, Kool-man.
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
Err…ummm…You have nice ears…
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
Ears?
SERGEANT LASER
Eyes, Kool-man…eyes, not ears!
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
I mean, eyes! You have nice eyes!
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
I do?
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
They’re so…so…warm…and…and…inviting!
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
They are?
SERGEANT BLASTUM
Say something nice back to him, Empress.
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
Emperor Kool…your skin…it’s…it’s so shimmery.
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
Is that a good thing?
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
Yes…yes, it’s a good thing, Emperor…it makes me want to…want to…Oh, Emperor Kool, I’m making a fool of myself…
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
No, no….go on…I insist.
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
You’re sort of cool, if you know what I mean.
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL I
’m cool, and you’re hot, so I guess we sort of complement each other.
SERGEANT LASER
(quietly)
Go to her, Emperor.
SERGEANT BLASTUM
(quietly)
Go to him, Empress.
(The EMPEROR and EMPRESS approach each other and meet centre stage.)
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
May I…may I…ummm…may I offer you my hand?
(He holds it out.)
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
Thank you.
(taking his hand)
That’s funny, it doesn’t feel cold at all.
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
And your’s doesn’t feel hot and sweaty.
(The EMPEROR and EMPRESS stand looking into each others eyes.)
FROSTBITE
Scorch, you have nice eyes too.
CHILBLAIN
And you have a nice shape, Sizzle.
SCORCH
(rushing to FROSTBITE)
Oh, Frostbite, please take my hand!
FROSTBITE
(taking her hand)
Wow! It tingles, but in a good way!
SCORCH
And yours feels sort of calm, like a pond on a sunny day.
SIZZLE
Chilblain!
(rishing to her)
You may take my hand too!
CHILBLAIN
(taking her hand)
Sizzle, your hand is like a little dove, so soft and delicate.
SIZZLE
And yours is like a leather glove, so strong and sturdy!
SERGEANT LASER
Isn’t this better than trying to beat each other up?
SERGEANT BLASTUM
Isn’t it better than arguing over who’s speech will work best at the War Conference?
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
Empress Blaze, may I and my attendants take you and your attendants for a pleasant stroll down the corridors of this spacebus?
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
We shall go hand in hand, and discuss how our two speeches can be made into one, for the good of everyone!
(The ICE GALAXIANS and FIRE GALAXIANS exit hand in hand.)
SERGEANT BLASTUM
Maybe we should be matchmakers instead of marines.
SERGEANT LASER
Hey, I’ll do anything to improve our odds against the TumTums.
(They exit behind the others.)
End of Act Three, Scene 1.
Spacebus by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Three, Scene 2:
(The three HIGH PRIESRESSES OF THE GREAT VOID enter.)
INFINITINA
Our meditation was not easy
It made my stomach feel so queasy
COSMOLINA
And still we do not have a clue
About the force that makes us blue
STARSHINA If something evil’s on this bus
It’s stronger than the four of us.
INFINITINA
Sisters of the Great Black Void!
I find I’m feeling quite annoyed!
And so I’ll make a guess so wild!
Perhaps the evil’s in the child!
COSMOLINA
The child complained of stomach pain…
STARSHINA
That’s a clue that she’s to blame…
INFINITINA
Perhaps there’s something in her gut
That wants to kick us in the butt!
COSMOLINA
Something evil’s in her tum!
That’s why the child is sick and glum.
STARSHINA
What if it tries to eat her her brain?
All THREE PRIESTESSES
Then the girl would go insane!
(STARDUST runs in, followed by LLUNA CRATER.)
STARDUST
Holy women! Holy women! Save me! Save me!
(The THREE PRIESTESSES take hold of STARDUST, but are blown away from her across the stage in three directions, falling on the floor.)
LUNA CRATER
Stardust! Stardust! What’s happening?
STARDUST
You’re the only one who can touch me, Mummy! Everyone else falls down!
LUNA CRATER
I’m your mother! Of course I can touch you!
STARDUST
I don’t want you to, Mummy! I don’t trust you!
LUNA CRATER
But why not? I love you, Stardust!
STARDUST
You want to make money off me by selling the thing in my tummy!
LUNA CRATER
But the money’s for you, too, Stardust!
STARDUST
I might die on the operating table and you don’t even care!
LUNA CRATER
Don’t be silly, dear. Come back to the tube and rest. You’re wearing yourself out.
(The HIGH PRIESTESSES form a protective barrier between LUNA and STRDUST.)
INFINITINA
No! The child must stay with us!
COSMOLINA
Something evil’s on this bus!
STARSHINA
There’s nothing more to discuss!
STARDUST
I want to stay with these holy women!
LUNA CRATER
It’s out of the question. I won’t let you priestesses kidnap my baby!
INFINITINA
Perhaps you do not understand.
ALL THREE PRIESTESSES
All our lives are in her hands.
COSMOLINA
We see how you long for money…
ALL THREE PRIESTESSES
You should think about your honey!
STARSHINA
Don’t you see she’s sick with fear?
ALL THREE PRIESTESSES
Your greed has made you insincere!
LUNA CRATER
I demand that you give my child back to me!
STARDUST
I won’t go with you, Mummy! These women will help me!
LUNA CRATER
We’ll see about this! I’m going to the commander of this spacebus. She’ll make you return my child to me!
ALL THREE PRIESTESSES
Don’t you know you cannot win
Until you stop your life of sin?
(LUNA CRATER exits.)
INFINITINA
Stardust! Come with us, my dear…
COSMOLINA and STARSHINA
We will help you tame your fear.
(The PRIESTESSES exit with STARDST.)
End of Act Three, Scene 2.
Spacebus by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Three, Scene 3:
(The SPACE CADETS enter with LANDONA PLANET. The SPACE CADETS line up to receive their orders.)
LANDONA PLANET
I have received a transmission from the TumTum Central Command on my secret transponder.
THE SPACE CADETS
All hail the glorious Central Command of the TumTum League of Galaxies!
LANDONA PLANET
An unmanned pod has been sent to rendezvous with the Voidbuster at 0-900. We are to complete our mission by 0-8-50, then plant explosives on the Voidbuster and escape in the pod. Questions?
GRAVITY VORTEX
How will we initiate the mission?
LANDONA PLANET
We will get the Backspace Boys to provide a free concert for the passengers. When everyone is gathered here in the lounge, we will strike!
INERTIA RETRO
May we test our weapons?
LANDONA PLANET
Of course.
(The SPACE CADETS pull elastic bands out of their pockets and test them by holding one end in each hand and pulling the elastics back with their teeth and releasing them.)
MILKY WAY
Weapons functioning at peak efficiency, Leader 27.
LANDONA PLANET
Cease practising! The Backspace Boys are approaching!
(The SPACE CADETS put away their elastic bands as the BACKSPACE BOYS enter with HALEY STARMSKER. The SPACE CADETS act like giggly, flirty teenage girls again.)
HALEY STARMAKER
It seems that every time I come to the lounge, you Space Cadets are here.
LANDONA PLANET
My girls need to stretch their limbs frequently.
MIKEY MOONDOG
They’ve got great limbs, Miss Starmaker! Almost as great as mine!
(He flashes a leg.)
GRAVITY VORTEX
Mikey, don’t do that! It makes me all giddy and excited!
JOHNNY JETT
Your limbs are beautiful, Inertia. I’m taking a mental photograph of them right now with my overactive imagination.
INERTIA RETRO
Take as many mental snapshots as you want, Johnny. My limbs don’t mind a bit.
KENNY COMET
If I needed two more legs, I’d take yours, Milky.
MILKY WAY
I like a man who takes what he wants, Kenny.
LANDONA PLANET
Miss Starmaker, I’m sorry I was so stern with you earlier.
HALEY STARMAKER
That’s all right, Miss Planet. After all, my boys are extremely desirable. It’s no wonder your girls turn into babbling idiots the moment they see them.
LANDONA PLANET
I was wondering, Miss Planet, how we could ease the tedium of this long intergalactic bus ride.
HALEY STARMAKER
It is rather dull. After you’ve seen one star, you’ve seen them all.
LANDONA PLANET
And I though to myself, “Self, wouldn’t it be nice if the Backspace Boys put on a brief free concert right here in the lounge of this spacebus!”
HALEY STARMAKER
Oh, now, Miss Planet, my boys don’t perform for nothing.
GRAVITY VORTEX
Maybe Mikey Moondog would perform for me.
MIKEY MOONDOG
Hey, babe, I’ll perform anytime and anyplace you want me to.
INERTIA RETRO
And you, Johnny Jett…would you sing a little ‘ol song for poor little Inertia, hmmmmm?
JOHNNY JETT
I’ve got all these feelings boiling inside me, Inertia. I got to let them out by singing a special song just for you, girl, because your eyes have bewitched me and I am your slave.
MILKY WAY
What about you, Kenny Comet…don’t you want to do a little number for me…a song, I mean, not a marijuana cigarette. You don’t need drugs, doll, if you’ve got me.
KENNY COMET
I might want to sing a song just because I feel like it.
HALEY STARMAKER
Well, I suppose I’ll let my boys sing and dance for free if it helps them get rid of some of that restless hormonal energy building up on this spacebus.
LANDONA PLANET
Thank you, Miss Starmaker.
MIKEY MOONDOG
Those High Priestesses of the Great Void are pretty hot. When they see the way I move my limbs, they’ll invite me to their cabin.
JOHNNY JETT
Holy women don’t flirt with bad boys, Mikey. They like spiritual types, like me.
KENNY COMET
I might go to their cabin if I’m in the mood.
GRAVITY VORTEX
How can you talk about those priestesses that way, Mikey Moondog. They’re old and wrinkly, and I’m young and smooth.
INERTIA RETRO
I like spiritual types too, Johnny. I’m fascinated by your mind. You just forget about those silly old priestesses and focus your spirituality on me.
MILKY WAY
Kenny, Kenny, you go wherever you want. I’ll never tie you down, ‘cause I respect your masculine independence.
LANDONA PLANET
Girls, you go back to our cabin for another shower, and I’ll go tell everyone to come straight up here to the lounge for the free concert!
(LANDONA PLANET and the SPACE CADETS exit.)
HALEY STARMAKER
Dealing with that Planet woman is exhausting.
MIKEY MOONDOG
Not near as exhausting as flirting with those gushing girls.
JOHNNY JETT
And now they expect us to sing and dance.
KENNY COMET
Why’d you agree to the free concert, Agent 008?
HALEY STARMAKER
My gut tells me that something’s going to happen at that concert. It might be the break we’re looking for.
MIKEY MOONDOG
But we can’t really sing or dance.
HALEY STARMAKER
Maybe we won’t have to.
JOHNNY JETT
You hear anything from headquarters?
HALEY STARMAKER
They’ve detected an unmanned pod heading towards us.
KENNY COMET
Could be an escape pod sent for someone on this spacebus.
HALEY STARMAKER
Exactly. Things are starting to fall into place.
MIKEY MOONDOG
Weapon check?
HALEY STARMAKER You bet.
(THE BACKSPACE BOYS pull towels off their necks and practicing snapping them, then stop.)
JOHNNY JETT
Weapon check completed.
KENNY COMET
Locked and loaded.
HALEY STARMAKER
Be careful with those towels, men. They’re state-of-the-art.
(THE BACKSPACE BOYS put their towels back around their necks.)
HALEY STARMAKER
Now let’s go to our cabin and see if we can figure out how to sing harmonies.
(They exit.)
End of Act Three, Scene 3.
Spacebus by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Three, Scene 4:
(The CREW of the Voidbuster enter with COMMANDER ROSWELL.)
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Crew, the Voidbuster is drifting helplessly in space.
SPACE MECHANIC ROCKET
Someone stole the other proton disk from the propulsion unit.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
We’re only halfway to Planet Omega, and our communications system is down.
SPACE NAVIGATOR VECTOR
Someone tampered with the transponder. It’s broken beyond repair. We can’t even use the spacebus’s intercom.
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
We are helpless. Anything could happen to us, and no one would ever know.
SPACE MECHANIC ROCKET
We can’t even abandon ship because the company took away the escape pod to make room for more passengers.
SPACE NAVIGATOR VECTOR
Should we tell the passengers we’re adrift and helpless?
COMMANDER ROSWELL
No. They would only panic. We must keep them calm until we have a plan of action.
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
I will do everything I can to send positive vibrations throughout the ship, even though my brain is still foggy from touching that child’s temples.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Good. That’s a start.
(LUNA CRATER enters.)
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Mrs. Crater! What can I do for you?
LUNA CRATER
At last I’ve found you, Commander Roswell. Those priestesses, or should I say witches, have stolen my child!
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
What do you mean “stolen”, Mrs. Crater?
LUNA CRATER
They took her to their cabin against my wishes.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
But they are High Priestesses of the Great Void. They’ve sworn never to harm any living thing.
LUNA CRATER
Well, they’re harming me by taking my baby. What are you going to do about it, Commander?
COMMANDER ROSWELL
I think it’s best that we all stay calm and await further developments.
(LANDONA PLANET enters.)
LANDONA PLANET
Oh, I’m so glad the whole crew’s here! There’s going to be a free concert right here in the lounge!
SPACE MECHANIC ROCKET
A concert?
LANDONA PLANET
Yes! The Backstreet Boys will sing and dance for us! Isn’t it fabulous!
COMMANDER ROSWELL
Yes. I think we could use a little entertainment right about now.
LUNA CRATER
What about my baby?
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
My intuition tells me she’s safe with the High Priestesses, Mrs. Crater.
LUNA CRATER
I don’t trust your intuition! My daughter blew you clear across this room when you touched her head!
LANDONA PLANET
My, my, so dramatic. You should consider a career in acting, Mrs. Crater.
LUNA CRATER
What do you mean by that?
LANDONA PLANET
Nothing…nothing at all.
(GRAND EMPEROR KOOL and GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE enter together, along with their ATTENDANTS and SERGEANTS LASER and BLASTUM. FROSTBIT and SCORCH are together, as are CHILBLIAN and SIZZLE.)
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
So there’s going to be a concert here in the lounge. How splendid!
GRAND EMEPEROR KOOL
Empress Blaze and I are looking forward to it.
FROSTBITE
So are Scorch and I!
SCORCH
It’s going to be such a cozy affair!
CHILBLAIN
It’ll be such fun, won’t it, Sizzle.
SIZZLE
Yes it will, Chilblain, because I’ll be watching it with you.
LUNA CRATER
My child! What about my child!
GRAND EMEPEROR KOOL
Your child? Oh, I wouldn’t worry about her! She’s with those High Priestess women. She couldn’t be in better hands.
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
Unless they were your lovely hands, Emperor Cool
GRAND EMEPEROR KOOL
Or yours, my dear Empress Blaze, or yours.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
I’m glad to see you and Empress Blaze getting along so well, your Royal Iciness.
GRAND EMEPEROR KOOL
We’ve decided to patch up our differences and join forces, Commander Roswell.
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
It’s silly to fight each other while the TumTums are threatening us with extinction.
SPACE MECHANIC ROCKET
Your attendants look happy, too.
SPACE NAVIGATOR VECTOR
As happy as piggies in a blanket!
FROSTBITE and SCORCH
We couldn’t be happier!
CHILBLAIN and SIZZLE
Isn’t life wonderful!
SERGEANT LASER
Don’t get too happy. The TumTums are still out there waiting to rip out our guts and eat them.
SERGEANT BLASTUM
Just when you think everything’s fine, something nasty always happens.
GRAND EMEPEROR KOOL
Oh, now, Sergeant Laser and Sergeant Blastum, don’t be such downers!
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
After all, the two of you are responsible for getting the Emperor and me together.
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
Isn’t it ironic that soldiers sometimes know so much about love?
(The THREE HIGH PRIESTESSES enter.)
LUNA CRATER
Where’s my little girl, you witches!
INFINITINA
She’s safe and sound and fast asleep.
COSMOLINA
A sleep that’s comforting and deep.
STARSHINA
She went to sleep without a peep.
ALL THREE PRIESTESSES
Your little girl is very ill,
Something strange is in her still;
But she is brave and so she fights
To stop what’s wrong and start what’s right.
LUNA CRATER
They talk in riddles. They’re trying to trick us all somehow.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
They only speak of right and wrong. There’s no harm in that.
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
And they helped little Stardust find rest.
(The SPACE CADETS enter.)
GRAVITY VORTEX
I can’t wait for Mikey Moondog to shake his booty while he sings.
INERTIA RETRO
But Johnny Jett’s gonna be the best, ‘cause he’s so, like, emotional!
MILKY WAY
If Kenny Comet sings and dances, it’s because he chooses to. How cool is that, hmmmm?
LANDONA PLANET
Now, girls, try not to get too excited! You don’t want to get all sweaty again.
THE SPACE CADETS
Please, Miss Planet, no more showers!
(The BACKSPACE BOYS enter with HALEY STSRMAKER and the SPACE CADETS scream and clap.)
HALEY STARMAKER
All right, boy, you go up there and give us a show to remember!
THE BACKSPACE BOYS
(going upstage centre)
You got it, Miss Starmaker!
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
What fine young men! They make me proud to be part of the Anti-Tum-Tum Galactic Alliance!
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
Look how those pretty young women adore them!
FROSTBITE and SCORCH
Love is in the air!
CHILBLAIN and SIZZLE
Love is everywhere!
(Suddenly everyone freezes.)
SERGEANTS LASER and BLASTUM
There’s a weird vibe in here tonight!
SPACE HOSTESS SLIPSTREAM
(touching her temples)
Something’s definitely not right!
THE THREE HIGH PRIESTESSES
(touching their hearts)
Our hearts are filled with dreadful fright!
COMMANDER ROSWELL and the CREW
The spacebus has come to a complete stop.
(Everyone is very still. STARDUST enters. Everyone looks at her. She is holding her belly.)
STARDUST
The thing in my belly…it’s gone.
LANDONA PLANET
That’s the signal! Strike down the Emperor and Empress!
(The three SPACE CADETS take out their elastics and try to shoot pellets at the EMPEROR and EMPRESS. The ATTENDANTS pull the royalty down to protect them. The PRIESTESSES take STARDUST and try to protect her. LUNA CRATER tries to protect herself. The CREW try to protect COMMANDER ROSWELL. THE BACKSPACE BOYS and HALEY STARMAKER duck for cover.)
SERGEANT BLASTUM
They’re TumTums! They’re TumTums!
SERGEANT LASER
Return fire! Return fire!
(The MARINES take out their special squirt guns and blast away at the SPACE CADETS.)
HALEY STARMAKER
Men! Take action! Take action!
(Everything goes into slow motion. THE BACKSPACE BOYS take their towels and attack the SPACE CADETS, taking hits as they do so, but finally reaching them and snapping their towels at them, and finally fighting them hand to hand as the MARINES wade in firing their squirt guns. Finally, THE BACKSPACE BOYS and the SPACE CADETS lie still on the stage, ironically intertwined in the flirting pairs of earlier scenes. The MARINES too are dead. HALEY STARMAKER, though wounded, is still alive, as is LANDONA PLANET. The others listen as these two speak.)
HALEY STARMAKER
You thought you could kill the Emperor and Empress and break up our Galactic Alliance, Miss Planet, but you failed. My agents gave their lives to stop you.
LANDONA PLANET
We may not have killed the Emperor and Empress, and my death squad may be dead themselves, but we TumTums have the thing that came out of the child’s belly. It will escape in our pod and we will control it.
STARDUST
Look, out their through the portals…the thing that came out of me….it’s not in a pod. It’s floating away all alone on its own through space!
(The OTHERS look up at the strange and evil thing that is floating away into space on its own.)
THE THREE PRIESTESSES
The evil thing has been set free
To do its harm to you and me.
No one controls its destiny.
All we can do is wait and see.
GRAND EMPEROR KOOL
But where did it come from?
GRAND EMPRESS BLAZE
Who put the seed of evil in the child’s belly?
STARDUST
No one did. It suddenly was there, like a tiny dark star, growing bigger every second. But it didn’t like me. It hurt me and then it left me.
LUNA CRATER
Stardust, Stardust, I don’t understand.
STARDUST
As it grew stronger, so did I.
ALL THREE PRIESTESSES
So did she.
STARDUST
Because it was filled with hate, I had to fill myself with love to survive.
ALL THREE PRIESTESSES
She is filled with love.
STARDUST
And now, just as the evil thing has floated away to fill the universe with darkness and fear, I must go too, and fill the universe with light and love. Goodbye, Mummy…don’t be afraid…it only makes you cold and empty. Goodbye…goodbye…I shall never die…
(STARDUST exits and the others watch through the portholes as she floats away.)
ALL THREE PRIESTESSES
She is turning into light.
LANDONA PLANET
There will always be darkness.
There will always be light.
And the two must always fight.
(LANDONA PLANET dies.)
HALEY STARMAKER
Some must live and some must die.
If you live, you must try…
To fight for light!
(HALEY STARMAKER dies. SPACE MECHANIC ROCKET goes to LANDONA PLANET and finds the two proton disks.)
SPACE MECHANIC ROCKET
The proton disks. Our journey can resume.
COMMANDER ROSWELL
The spacebus continues its journey. The war with the TumTums looms on the horizon. We will take the Emperor and Empress to the War Conference. Soon, there will be more fighting. Light will fight dark. Dark will fight light. In the gray mingling of the two, we will see ourselves as we really are.
(STARDUST enters as the cast forms a tableau)
STARDUST
(singing)
Twinkle, twinkle, little star…
REST OF CAST
(singing)
How we wonder what you are.
STARDUST
(singing)
Up above the world so high…
REST OF CAST
(singing
Like a diamond in the sky…
ENTIRE CAST
(singing)
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How we wonder what you are.
END OF THE PLAY.