Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2001
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 40 minutes
• style: comedy
• suitable for general audiences
• 22 characters (13 female, 9 male)
• gender-flexible casting
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Hartline Shelter for the Homeless” is a satirical comedy featuring quirky characters with big hearts who habituate an inner-city homeless shelter. Their hopes and fears are revealed as they navigate a chaotic evening of startling events in the shelter.
(This play was first performed in June, 2001, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
Published Online by Good School Plays, March 31, 2016.
Go to:
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Scene 5
Scene 6
Scene 7
Scene 8
Scene 9
Scene 10
Scene 11
Scene 12
CHARACTERS:
Wandering Bob, 56, homeless gentleman who narrates his recollections of the Hartline Shelter.
Ellen Russo, 46, manager of the Hartline Shelter for the Homeless.
Bernice Stock, 35, head cook for the Hartline Shelter for the Homeless.
Henry Billings, 20, assistant cook at the Hartline Shelter for the Homeless.
Janie Quilt, 29, custodian for the Hartline Shelter for the Homeless.
Little Suzie Quilt, 7, Janie Quilt’s daughter.
Constable Bill Bostok, 34, kindhearted but firm policeman with a guilty secret.
Theresa St. Thomas, 33, a social worker.
Angela Tracey, 35, a social worker.
Doctor Marylou Spence, 48, psychiatrist from Wilmington Hospital for the Mentally Ill.
Mrs. Elvira Thornington, 58, formerly wealthy, now homeless.
Ernesto Phillips, 42, a highly-strung patron of the Hartline Shelter for the Homeless.
Jane Orloff, 21, a woman who has run away from Wilmington Hospital for the Mentally Ill.
Thadeus Gorky, 18, a young man who believes he has been sent by God to save the world.
Jake Decker, 17, a young punk just released from the Appleworth Correctional Centre for Youth.
Brad “Butcherboy” Barker, 31, a hardened criminal on parole after doing two years for armed robbery.
Mercury Star, 35, TV evangelist and saver of lost souls.
Saskia Breedlove, 16, teenage runaway and adoring disciple of Mercury Star.
Denise Trent, 22, delivery truck driver for Eat-rite Bulk Foods.
Tommy Desoto, 13, pickpocket and thief.
Nadya Desoto, 20, Tommy Desoto’s older sister, works in a bar serving beer.
Adam Fletcher, 27, plumber for Hank’s All-Night Plumber Service.
Setting: The Hartline Shelter for the Homeless, an inner-city dormitory, cafeteria, and meeting place. The action takes place in the main meeting room. Off right is the street. Off left are the kitchen and men’s and women’s dormitories.
Hartline Shelter for the Homeless by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 1:
WANDERING BOB
Hey there, folks. I’m Wandering Bob. I bin wandering for as long as I kin remember, and there ain’t nothin’ I ain’t seen or done. Tonight I’m gonna tell ya a couple a stories about this shelter I used to visit from time to time: the Hartline Shelter for the Homeless. Don’t matter what city it was in; them shelters is all the same, but every one of them’s got a lot of stories to tell, if ya keep yer eyes peeled and yer ears open. Anyways, I remember this one evening when the manager, Ms. Ellen Russo, was talkin’ with the cook, Bernice Stock. “Well Bernice,” says Missus Stock, “I expect yer not too happy about cookin’ tonight…”
ELLEN RUSSO
(entering with BERNICE STOCK)
Well, Bernice, I expect you’re not too happy about cooking tonight.
BERNICE STOCK
Aw, Ms. Russo, I ain’t complainin’. It’s tough pullin’ an extra shift here at the shelter, but I’d hate to see the homeless go hungry. As I always say, “Feed them that needs it and let the rest feed themselves”.
ELLEN RUSSO
That’s the spirit, Bernice. I wonder where Henry is? He’s late.
HENRY BILLINGS
(entering)
Evening, Ms. Russo, Bernice.
ELLEN RUSSO
Good evening, Henry.
BERNICE STOCK
Henry Billings, you’re late again.
HENRY BILLINGS
Sorry, Missus Stock. It’s my mom. She’s sick, and I got to look after her cats.
BERNICE STOCK
You better get in back, Henry, and start boiling the vegetables.
HENRY BILLINGS
You bet, Missus Stock. I love to cook them vegetables. I’m real good at vegetables.
ELLEN RUSSO
Bernice will be working with you tonight, Henry. Marliss can’t make it. Her back’s acting up again.
HENRY BILLINGS
I don’t mind working with you, Missus Stock…I don’t mind at all just so long as you don’t yell at me.
BERNICE STOCK
I ain’t going to yell at you, Henry. Let’s go get to work.
(BERNICE and HENRY exit.)
WANDERING BOB
That Henry, he wasn’t too smart, but he had a heart of gold. Old Bernice really loved the kid, even though she used to tear a strip off him every now and then. And Bernice was a pretty good old gal herself. There was lotsa good ‘ol gals at the Hartline Shelter for the Homeless…like Janie Quilt, the custodian. Yep, she comes up to Ms. Russo, and she says, “Hey Ms. Russo, could I have a word with you…?”
Hartline Shelter for the Homeless by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 2:
JANIE QUILT
(entering with SUZIE QUILT)
Hey, Ms. Russo. Could I have a word with you?
ELLEN RUSSO
Of course, Janie. What’s the problem?
JANIE QUILT
Well, see, it’s my daughter Suzy here. I know kids ain’t allowed at the shelter and all, but I can’t leave her at home by herself.
ELLEN RUSSO
Doesn’t her grandmother usually look after her?
JANIE QUILT
Well, that’s just it. Her granny’s just up and taken off. She wins some money at bingo, and first thing you know she’s catching the Greyhound for Vegas.
SUZIE QUILT
Granny loves to gamble, Ms. Russo. Once she won a thousand dollars and bought me a pink bicycle with trainer wheels.
ELLEN RUSSO
Is that right, Suzy? Well, Janie, I suppose Suzy could help you while you clean, and later she could sleep on the cot in the furnace room.
SUZIE QUILT
I won’t make no trouble, Ms. Russo. And I won’t steal nothing, neither, like the last time when I took that candy bar and you got mad.
ELLEN RUSSO
I wasn’t mad, Suzie. It’s just that it was a gift for Ernesto. He loves candy.
JANIE QUILT
I’ll be watching her, Ms. Russo. Thanks for letting her stay here with me.
ELLEN RUSSO
You’re welcome. Excuse me, I need to talk to Bernice in the kitchen.
WANDERING BOB
Yeah, that Janie Quilt just loved that kid of hers. And even if little Suzy didn’t get much for her birthdays and Christmas, her ma always did her best for her. And that little Suzy could be a sassy little thing. I remember one time young Constable Bostok came in with old Ernesto Phillips. “Evening, Janie, Suzie,” says the Constable, “Where’s Ms. Russo?”
Hartline Shelter for the Homeless by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 3:
CONSTABLE BOSTOK
(entering with ERNESTO PHILLIPS, who is limping)
Evening, Janie, Suzie. Where’s Ms. Russo?
JANIE QUILT
In the kitchen with Bernice, Constable Bostok.
CONSTABLE BOSTOK
Maybe you and Suzy could go get her for me.
JANIE QUILT
I guess. Has Ernesto been acting up again?
ERNESTO PHILLIPS
Hey now, don’t you go talking about me like I ain’t even here, Janie Quilt.
SUZIE QUILT
You leave my mummy alone, Ernesto Phillips. Everyone knows you’re crazy.
ERNESTO PHILLIPS
(becoming very agitated)
I don’t get no respect from no one, Constable Bostok, not even from a little kid. Not even a kid. I don’t get treated decent, Constable….no respect. It ain’t right. It just ain’t right.
CONSTABLE BOSTOK
Take it easy, Ernesto. Don’t go getting yourself all worked up.
JANIE QUILT
Come on, Suzy, let’s go get Ms. Russo.
SUZIE QUILT
Stupid old Ernesto!
(SUZIE sticks out her tongue, and she and JANIE exit.)
CONSTABLE BOSTOK
Now, Ernesto, tell me again what happened down at the park.
ERNESTO PHILLIPS
I was just sitting there like I always do, waiting for rich folks to go by so’s I could ask them to adopt me. Then this woman in a red hat come runnin’ at me like she was a pitt bull or somethin’, and grabbed me by the leg with her teeth.
CONSTABLE BOSTOK
Is that why you’re limping?
ERNESTO PHILLIPS
You bet. My leg’s all seized up from her teeth pokin’ into my flesh. But don’t worry, it ain’t bleedin’ no more. It’s just a little sore and kinda stiff.
(beginning to hop about, holding his sore leg)
I can’t stand it, Constable! I can’t stand it when stuff happens like that! I didn’t do nothin’ to make some woman bite my leg!
CONSTABLE BOSTOK
What did she look like, Ernesto?
ERNESTO PHILLIPS
All I remember is her red hat and her big white teeth. Teeth like daggers.
ELLEN RUSSO
(entering)
What’s the problem, Bill?
CONSTABLE BOSTOK
Ernesto got his leg bit by some woman in the park, Ellen. I found him hopping about and cursing outside the shelter.
ERNESTO PHILLIPS
You’d be hopping, too, Ms. Russo, if someone bit your leg! You’d hop! Anyone would hop, the whole damn town would hop….hop hop hopping! I got to hop when a woman bites my leg!
ELLEN RUSSO
Easy, Ernesto. Here, I have a chocolate bar for you.
(ELLEN produces a bar. ERNESTO takes it and calms down significantly, then starts to get worked up again.)
ERNESTO PHILLIPS
A Snack Bar! Hey, thanks, Ms. Russo…you’re a real lady. I love a Snack Bar so much. It’s so good that just looking at it makes me forget my leg that got bitten by the crazy woman in the red hat. It’s just so good I wanta…I wanta…I wanta…eat it all up, yes, eat it ALL UP!
(ERNESTO stares obsessively at the bar.)
CONSTABLE BOSTOK
All Ernesto can remember is her red hat and white teeth, Ellen. Could you keep a lookout for her?
ELLEN RUSSO
I’ll watch for her, Bill. Ernesto, you go on back to the dining room and eat your chocolate bar.
ERNESTO PHILLIPS
Yes, I want to eat it just as soon as I possibly can, Ms. Russo.
(ERNESTO exits, limping.)
CONSTABLE BOSTOK
I’ll be back later to see if that woman turns up, Ellen.
ELLEN RUSSO
Biting Ernesto’s leg! What next! See you later, Bill.
WANDERING BOB
Ernesto liked to eat chocolate bars; it’d take his mind off his sufferings. They say he was hit on the head by a dictionary that got chucked out of a third floor window. That’s why he had fits all the time. And it’s kind of ironic that such a whacky guy would get his leg bit by some whacky woman. Anyway, Ernesto wasn’t the only oddball at the shelter. I remember this kid called Thadeus Gorky. He was brung in by this social worker, Theresa St. Thomas. “Ellen”, she said, “I’m so glad you’re here…”
Hartline Shelter for the Homeless by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 4:
THERESA St. THOMAS
(entering with THADEUS GORKY) Ellen! I’m so glad you’re here.
ELLEN RUSSO
What can I do for you, Theresa? Who’s this young man?
THERESA St. THOMAS
This is Thadeus Gorky.
THADEUS GORKY
I can save you, lady. I got the power. But I can’t do nothin’ for this social worker. She’s in the grip of the Devil, no doubt about it.
THERESA St. THOMAS
(taking ELLEN aside)
Thadeus thinks he’s been sent by God to save the world, Ellen.
(to THADEUS)
Do you like it here, Thadeus? You can sleep upstairs tonight.
THADEUS GORKY
I don’t sleep. Not ever. I gotta save the world. How in hell can I do that if I’m sleepin’?
ELLEN RUSSO
Well maybe you could just lie on one of the beds while you’re saving the world, Thadeus.
THADEUS GORKY
(to ELLEN RUSSO)
You got a sign on your head, lady. You’re one of the chosen. You got a live chicken?
(beginning to circle ELLEN, as though stalking a large animal)
You gotta get a live chicken, lady, and you gotta take it for walks in the park and feed it seaweed…then you will be saved.
THERESA St. THOMAS
Thadeus, stop stalking Ms. Russo. I’ve told you over and over that people don’t like it when you do that.
THADEUS GORKY
(stopping his stalking)
All right! All right! I gave her a chance to save herself. Now it’s up to her.
THERESA St. THOMAS
I’m turning him over to you, Ellen. He was medicated half an hour ago. He’ll be asleep soon. Just get him upstairs to a bed.
ELLEN RUSSO
Come on, Thadeus…I’ll take you up. You can practise saving the world up there.
THADEUS GORKY
Hope the windows can be opened. I got lots of flying to do.
(THADEUS zooms offstage as though flying, followed by ELLEN.)
WANDERING BOB
Takes all kinds to make a world. Thadeus Gorky wasn’t such a bad kid…just a bit loose in the head. And there ain’t nothin’ wrong with tryin’ to save the world. If ya ask me, it needs savin’ pretty bad. There’s some seriously troubled souls out there. Take Jake Decker, this young punk that just got out of jail. He comes up to Theresa St. Thomas, just as cocky as a rooster, and says, “Hey, you run this joint?”
Hartline Shelter for the Homeless by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 5:
JAKE DECKER (entering)
Hey, you run this joint?
THERESA St. THOMAS
And who are you, young man?
JAKE DECKER
That’s for me to know and you to find out. Sign outside said “Shelter” so I figured I’d get me a bite to eat and a place to crash. That too much to ask, lady?
THERESA St. THOMAS
I’m a social worker. I don’t run this shelter.
JAKE DECKER
(getting too close to her)
A social worker! Well, now, ain’t you just the cutest little social worker I ever did set eyes on.
THERESA St. THOMAS
I also have a black belt in tae-kwon-do, so back off, kid.
JAKE DECKER
(backing off)
Hey, I was just being polite. I ain’t been around women for a while.
BERNICE STOCK
(entering)
Hey, Ms. St. Thomas, how ya doin’? You seen Ms. Russo?
THERESA St. THOMAS
She just went upstairs for a minute.
BERNICE STOCK
Wait a minute. Who’s this? Well, I’ll be a jackass’s belly button! If it isn’t little Jake Decker!
JAKE DECKER
I ain’t so little…
BERNICE STOCK
Little Jake Decker from the trailer park! I ain’t seen you in, what, five years or so?
JAKE DECKER
What in hell you talkin’ about…
BERNICE STOCK
Come on now, Jake, your ma and I are pals from way back, and I got to tell you, you broke her heart when you ran off after stealin’ her TV.
JAKE DECKER
(slowly recognizing her)
Say, are you Missus Stock…the woman who painted her trailer pink?
BERNICE STOCK
That’s me, honey…the lady with the pink trailer.
JAKE DECKER
Jeeze, I never figured to see you again.
BERNICE STOCK
You’re kinda pale, Jake, like a guy that’s done time. All locked up in cells, your skin gets all white.
JAKE DECKER
Yeah, I done time, but that’s over now. I’m free and I’m lookin’ for a place to stay.
THERESA St. THOMAS
I’ll go up and get the manager, Mr. Decker, if you’d care to wait a second.
JAKE DECKER
I don’t got nothin’ but time, lady.
BERNICE STOCK
I gotta get back in the kitchen, Jake…I’ll talk to you later. My, my, little Jake Decker!
(BERNICE exits.)
JAKE DECKER
(shouts after her)
I said I ain’t so little!
BRAD “BUTCHERBOY” BARKER
(entering)
Well, well, what do we got here? A new boy at the shelter. What’s your name, kid?
JAKE DECKER
Everyone keeps asking me that, but I don’t see why I gotta tell.
BRAD “BUTCHERBOY” BARKER
Well, my name’s Brad Barker. Now, if I can tell you my name, you damn well better tell me yours, kid.
JAKE DECKER
Brad “Butcherboy” Barker? The robber?
BRAD “BUTCHERBOY” BARKER
That’s me. Now what’s your name or do I have to punch your head real hard?
JAKE DECKER
My name’s Jake…Jake Decker.
BRAD “BUTCHERBOY” BARKER
Jake! Ain’t that cute! Listen, Jake, how’d you know I’m a robber?
JAKE DECKER
I just got outta Appleworth. Some guys there told me about you.
BRAD “BUTCHERBOY” BARKER
Appleworth? The correctional centre for youth?
JAKE DECKER
Yeah. I did six months for a B&E, Mr. Barker.
BRAD “BUTCHERBOY” BARKER
Call me “Butcherboy”. You tough?
JAKE DECKER
I guess.
BRAD “BUTCHERBOY” BARKER
I’m sick of sleepin’ in this stinkhole. You come with me, and we’ll “borrow” a car, knock over a liquor store, and get outta this town. Whattaya say, Jakey boy?
JAKE DECKER
I guess.
THADEUS GORKY
(swooping in like he was flying)
Heyyyy! Gotta watch your butts! The world’s ending!
(BRAD punches THADEUS, knocking him cold on the floor.)
BRAD “BUTCHERBOY” BARKER
This place is full of nutbars. Let’s go, kid.
JAKE DECKER
Jeeeze, Butcherboy, I’ve never seen anyone go down like that!
BRAD “BUTCHERBOY” BARKER
(demonstrating his wrist and fist)
It’s all in the wrist action, kid.
(BRAD and JAKE exit.)
(JANE ORLOFF enters in a red hat, runs over to THADEUS, and bites his leg. He becomes conscious, screaming.)
THADEUS GORKY
My leg! God almighty, my leg!
JANE ORLOFF
(releasing his leg and leaping away)
Gotta bite legs! Gotta do it! The angels told me I gotta do it!
THADEUS GORKY
(rubbing his leg)
Ya made it bleed! How in hell am I supposed to save the world with a leg that don’t work right?
JANE ORLOFF
Who says you gotta save the world? Who says?
THADEUS GORKY
God. God says.
JANE ORLOFF
God told ya. Just like the angels told me I gotta bite legs. We could be a team.
THADEUS GORKY
I work alone. Whoa, my head’s poundin’. Some guy poleaxed me.
JANE ORLOFF
That’s okay. I bit his leg for ya when I seen him comin’ outta here. He whacked me upside the head, but my head’s as hard as granite. Then he and his little buddy took off down the street.
THADEUS GORKY
Let’s go after ‘em. I gotta save the world, and I kin start by takin’ out those two sons of Satan! You kin help by bitin’ their body parts while I hypnotize ‘em with my magic eyeballs!
JANE ORLOFF
You got it! My name’s Jane Orloff. What’s yours?
THADEUS GORKY
Thadeus Gorky. But you kin call me Thadeus.
JANE ORLOFF
Let’s go, Thadeus.
(JANE and THADEUS exit.)
WANDERING BOB
And so, those two headed out to save the world together. They were a couple of heroes, at least in their own strange minds. And the world needs heroes, even if their brains are a little bit baked. And by the time Theresa St. Thomas got Ellen Russo to come and check out Jake Decker, there was no one there. Theresa says, “He was right here a minute ago, Ellen. I guess he decided to leave…”
Hartline Shelter for the Homeless by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 6:
THERESA St. THOMAS
(entering with ELLEN RUSSO, seeing that JAKE has left)
He was right here a minute ago, Ellen. I guess he decided to leave.
ELLEN RUSSO
There’s no sign of Thadeus, either. I hope that doesn’t mean trouble.
JANIE QUILT
(entering with SUZY)
I got a whole bucket full of trouble in the basement, Ms. Russo!
SUZIE QUILT
Mommy says the whole basement is gonna get flooded, Ms. Russo!
JANIE QUILT
There’s a leak in the water main, and she’s filling up fast!
ELLEN RUSSO
I better call the all-night plumber! What a disaster!
(ELLEN hurries out.)
SUZIE QUILT
Are you that social worker woman, Missus?
THERESA St. THOMAS
That’s right, and who are you?
SUZIE QUILT
Suzie Quilt and this is my mommy. She hates social workers cause they took my sister away from her.
JANIE QUILT
Now hush up, Suzie, this woman here ain’t the one what done it. I’m sorry, lady…Suzy don’t know when to shut up. Now come on, Suzy, we gotta get back to the basement and start bailin’ water outta there!
(JANIE and SUZIE exit)
Hartline Shelter for the Homeless by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 7:
BERNICE STOCK
(entering with HENRY BILLINGS)
Now where the heck is Ms. Russo? Can’t find her nowhere.
THERESA St. THOMAS
She’s calling the plumber. What’s the problem?
HENRY BILLINGS
There ain’t no problem, so far as I kin see. I just bin boilin’ vegetables, like I’m spozed ta.
BERNICE STOCK
Henry, you put your shoes in the pot along with the carrots. Now we got to throw out the whole mess.
HENRY BILLINGS
Aw, Missus Stock, them shoes was just for extra flavour. Why can’t I experiment like them cooks on the TV?
BERNICE STOCK
This is a soup kitchen, for the love of Mike, not a TV show, Henry.
THERESA St. THOMAS
I’ll go tell Ms. Russo, Bernice.
BERNICE STOCK
Thankyou, Ms. St. Thomas. I don’t know what he’ll do next. Shoes in the carrots!
MERCURY STAR (entering with SAKIA BREEDLOVE and CONSTABLE BOSTOK)
Good evening, ma’am…I guess I don’t need to tell you who I am.
HENRY BILLINGS
Mercury Star! The TV evangelist! Holy smoke, a real celebrity right here in the shelter.
MERCURY STAR
God bless you, young fellow. I’m making the rounds of the shelters to see if I can help save some souls from eternal damnation, like this homeless teenager here, Saskia Breedlove, who is my new disciple.
SASIA BREEDLOVE
I bin saved by Ms. Star! I was a lost soul, and she found me and showed me the way! I ain’t perfect yet, but I’m gettin’ better every second.
BERNICE STOCK
You got here just in time to save Henry here, Ms. Star. I was just about to send him to hell for boilin’ some shoes with the carrots.
MERCURY STAR
My, my!
CONSTABLE BOSTOK
Bernice, you got to be patient with Henry. He does the best he can.
MERCURY STAR
Yes, we must be patient with those less fortunate than ourselves. Looks like Henry was born with fewer brain cells than the rest of us, so we must look after him as best we can.
SASKIA BREEDLOVE
It’s okay, Henry…I don’t got many brain cells either, and I’m doin’ fine.
HENRY BILLINGS
Constable Bostok, do they got to talk about my brain cells? It makes me feel all squiggly inside.
CONSTABLE BOSTOK
Why don’t you and Bernice go back to the kitchen, Henry, and I’ll show Ms. Star around.
BERNICE STOCK
Let’s go, Henry…and don’t even think about putting your pants in the potatoes!
HENRY BILLINGS
Heck no. I got to wear my pants…don’t want ‘em all soggy and smelly.
(BERNICE and HENRY exit.)
WANDERING BOB
That Mercury Star really was a big-time TV Evangelist. Had millions of followers. And there she was in the shelter, tryin’ to do good and save souls. But she was in for a big surprise. She says to Constable Bostok, “Are there more souls here for me to save?”
Hartline Shelter for the Homeless by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 8:
MERCURY STAR
Are there more souls here for me to save, Constable Bostok?
CONSTABLE BOSTOK
(looking around)
Miss Star, you’re looking at a guy who needs help.
MERCURY STAR
Why, whatever do you mean, Constable?
CONSTABLE BOSTOK
My head is full of sin, Miss Star, and my heart is full of guilt. I have to tell someone.
MERCURY STAR
Why, honey, you’re crying! Tell old Mercury here what’s wrong.
CONSTABLE BOSTOK
There’s this criminal, Brad “Butcherboy” Barker, and he’s been paying me off to leave him alone while he lives his life of crime down here in skid row. I’m a bad cop, Ms. Star.
SASIA BREEDLOVE
Hey, Mr. Policeman, I was bad too. I ran away from home and lived on the streets and I had a drug habit and a rotten boyfriend and everything, and then Miss Star saved me, and now I’m like sunshine…all golden and warm!
CONSTABLE BOSTOK
I feel so bad, Miss Star. What should I do?
MERCURY STAR
I feel the POWER rising up in me! I feel the PRESENCE! I feel the electricity of the COSMOS shooting through my CEREBRAL CORTEX! Yes! Yes! You SHALL be saved, Constable Bostok! You SHALL be SAVED!
(MERCURY STAR strikes CONSTABLE BOSTOK on the forehead. He falls backwards)
MERCURY STAR
Glory! Glory! Glory! Your sins are FORGIVEN! Glorby be! Glory be!
(MERCURY slumps, exhausted.)
SASIA BREEDLOVE
Glory be! She’s done it again!
CONSTABLE BOSTOK
(getting up)
I feel CLEAN! For the first time in months, CLEAN!
MERCURY STAR
You ARE clean! Cleansed, forgiven…ready to start a new, CLEAN life!
CONSTABLE BOSTOK
I’m going to look for that cheap hoodlum Brad “Butcherboy” Barker right now! I’ll bring him in even if he does tell everyone he bribed me! I’m going to do what’s RIGHT!
(CONSTABLE BOSTOK heads out into the night on his mission of righteousness.)
MERCURY STAR
Come, Saskia, we will follow the constable; he will surely lead us to more souls I can save!
SASIA BREEDLOVE
Oh, Miss Star! I am so blessed to be your fervent disciple!
(MERCURY and SASKIA exit.)
WANDERING BOB
Yeah, the good constable and that TV evangelist and her sidekick headed out into the night, in search of righteousness! They were full of the fire of the Spirit! If they’d stuck around a bit longer in the shelter, they would have had plenty of work to do, because the one and only Mrs. Elvira Thornington came down the stairs from the women’s dormitory, looking for trouble… “Ms. Russo!” she was screaming, “Ms. Russo, there’s a rat in my bed!”
Hartline Shelter for the Homeless by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 9:
MRS. ELVIRA THORNINGTON
(entering)
Ms. Russo! Ms. Russo, there’s a rat in my bed!
ERNESTO PHILLIPS
(entering limping)
I cannot sleep with this infernal noise! Will somebody shut this woman up? Rats, rats, what’s wrong with rats? I have no problem with rodents of any kind!
MRS. ELVIRA THORNINGTON
Ernesto Phillips, you old goat! I will thrash you within an inch of your life if you come near me!
ERNESTO PHILLIPS
I have no desire to come near you, Elvira Thornington, believe me. I have no desire at all. I prefer rats. I do. I prefer rats. Rats, I tell you!
ELLEN RUSSO
(entering)
Now, now, you two, please stop shouting! What on earth is going on?
MRS. ELVIRA THORNINGTON
Ms. Russo, I found an extraordinarily large rodent in my bed! It was curled up beside me as though it had a right to be there! A rodent the size of an alley cat, sleeping with me like a baby! I thought I would die.
ERNESTO PHILLIPS
She’s having hallucinations again, Ms. Russo…hallucinations, yes. That’s what’s she’s having. Hallucinations. Seeing things. Crazy, crazy, crazy.
ELLEN RUSSO
Mrs. Thornington, I will escort you to your room. I’m sure that the rat is gone now.
MRS. ELVIRA THORNINGTON
No. I will not go back. I positively will not go back to a bed that has a large, hot, smelly rat in it! You ought to be ashamed, Ms. Russo, operating a hotel that has rats!
ERNESTO PHILLIPS
Hotel! Hotel! This is nothing more than a flopouse, Elvira Thornington. A flophouse, and you are a floppy old woman who is flopping in the flophouse!
ELLEN RUSSO
That is quite enough, Ernesto. Here.
(hands him a chocolate bar, which pacifies him)
Go to your bed and enjoy some chocolate. It’ll make you feel better.
ERNESTO PHILLIPS
A Snack Bar! My favourite! Thankyou, Ms. Russo, you are a wonderful soul! A wonderful soul! I will hurry to my bed and hide under the covers and savour every mouthful of this delightful chocolate treat!
(ERNESTO exits.)
MRS. ELVIRA THORNINGTON
When I was a young woman, my husband would have sued this place! He was a man, I’m telling you. A man! The size of a mountain, and the wisdom of Solomon! We had a wonderful home on the heights, and I drove a large white convertible! My children were beautiful, and I wore only the finest clothing made exclusively by Europe’s most prestigious fashion houses. And now I sleep with a rat!
(sobbing)
A rat! How did this happen? How?
ELLEN RUSSO
Now, Mrs. Thornington, you must get some rest…let me take you upstairs…
MRS. ELVIRA THORNINGTON
Who are you? What do you want? I do not want to buy anything. You salespeople are all alike. Next thing you know, I’ve signed a contract for an acre of swamp in Florida! There are rats in Florida! You cannot fool me…I refuse to live in a swamp with rats…
ELLEN RUSSO
(taking her by the arm)
Please, Mrs. Thornington, you’re being difficult. Come with me, upstairs…to your comfortable bed.
MRS. ELVIRA THORNINGTON
Unhand me, wench! I am the direct descendant of Queen Valeria of Belgium! How dare you place your peasant hands on my royal person? Unhand me, I say!
(Breaking free, ELVIRA rushes back to her room.)
ELLEN RUSSO
Oh dear, poor Elvira. Talking about swamps, where is that plumber? The basement is turning into the everglades!
(ELLEN exits.)
WANDERING BOB
Old Elvira Thornington had a big imagination. She could tell herself she was the President of the United States, and believe it, too. She should have been an actor. But a broken heart and hard drinking made her end her days in the Hartline Shelter for the Homeless. Too bad. Little Suzie Quilt had a pretty good imagination too. I remember Bernice Stock coming out of her kitchen, fit to be tied, yelling at Janie and Suzie Quilt. “You got to keep Suzy out of the Kitchen, Janie Quilt!” she said….
Hartline Shelter for the Homeless by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 10:
BERNICE STOCK
You got to keep Suzie out of the kitchen, Janie Quilt! She took a carving knife and was hacking at a table leg! She almost chopped her own fingers off!
JANIE QUILT
I can’t watch her every second, Missus Stock! I got so much work to do in the basement with the flooding and all!
SUZIE QUILT
I wouldn’t have chopped off my fingers, Mommy! And if I did, I’d stick ‘em back on again with glue.
BERNICE STOCK
Where in heck is Ms. Russo when I need her? Henry boiling his shoes, and Suzy chopping up the table!
JANIE QUILT
Suzie, say you’re sorry to Missus Stock…
SUZIE QUILT
I’m sorry Missus Stock.
BERNICE STOCK
I know she ain’t a bad kid, Janie, but you gotta get her under control.
JANIE QUILT
I’m scared they’ll take her away from me, Missus Stock, just like they took Evelyn, her older sister. I ain’t got much money, and I guess I don’t got much in the way of brains either, but I love Suzie and I do the best I can for her.
BERNICE STOCK
(softening)
I know ya do, Janie. I know you got it tough. I wouldn’t want ta see Suzie get taken away from ya. Suzie, why don’t you go back to the kitchen and get yerself some juice and a cookie from the big jar.
SUZIE QUILT
Oh boy! The big jar!
(SUZIE runs off.)
BERNICE STOCK
(calling after her)
Just don’t touch them knives!
JANIE QUILT
I better get down in that basement. Where’s that plumber? He should have been here half an hour ago.
(JANIE exits.)
WANDERING BOB
Bernice stood their for a while, thinking about how tough it was for Janie Quilt, when in through the door walks little Tommy Desoto, pickpocket and thief. “Hey, Bernice,” he says, “how’d ya like ta go to the movies with me?”
Hartline Shelter for the Homeless by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 11:
TOMMY DESOTO
(entering)
Hey, Bernice, how’d ya like to go to the movies with me?”
BERNICE STOCK
I’m three times your age, Tommy Desoto. Why you askin’ me to go on a date?
TOMMY DESOTO
Cause I’m broke. And you got money. And there’s this great movie called “Monkey Nuts” showing at the Rialto.
BERNICE STOCK
I’m workin’, Tommy. You can see that.
TOMMY DESOTO
So give me the money and I’ll go watch it for both of us. That way you can see it without even going.
BERNICE STOCK
“Monkey Nuts”. The only nutty monkey around here is you, Tommy Desoto.
(BERNICE gives TOMMY a friendly but firm cuff on the back of the head.)
NADYA DESOTO
(entering)
Tommy, you sassy little brat. You buggin’ Missus Stock again?
BERNICE STOCK
He asked for a date, Nadya. Your little brother’s becoming a real ladies’ man.
NADYA DESOTO
Yeah? Well ain’t that somethin’! I thought you was goin’ to see “Monkey Nuts”, Tommy.
TOMMY DESOTO
Don’t got no money, Nadya. Gimme ten bucks, will ya?
NADYA DESOTO
I bin workin’ all night in that bar hustlin’ drinks. I make a few bucks in tips, and you wanna take it from me to go see some stupid movie called “Monkey Nuts”. Time you got a job, Mister.
TOMMY DESOTO
I got a job.
NADYA DESOTO
Yeah. Pickin’ pockets. Ya know how ya get paid for pickin’ pockets? By doin’ time, Tommy, by doin’ time. You wanna do time in the juvenile correction centre?
TOMMY DESOTO
It ain’t so bad there. I heard ya get yer own room and clean sheets once a week. That’s better than what I got livin’ with you, Nadya Desoto.
NADYA DESOTO
Jeeze, I pay yer rent and I buy yer food, and all you kin do is complain! I oughta kick you out onto the streets, Tommy…that’s what I oughta do.
BERNICE STOCK
(suddenly feeling for her wallet, and noticing it is gone )
All right, Tommy, gimme back my wallet.
TOMMY DESOTO
What you talkin’ about, Bernice?
NADYA DESOTO
Did you lift Bernice’s wallet, Tommy? Give it back. Right now.
TOMMY DESOTO
Okay, okay. Here.
(TOMMY pulls BERNICE’S wallet out of his pocket and gives it to her.)
BERNICE STOCK
One day, Tommy Desoto, you’re gonna pick the wrong person’s pockets, and wind up dead in an alley.
TOMMY DESOTO
Okay, Okay. No need to preach at me. I was just testing you. I woulda give it back.
NADYA DESOTO
Look Tommy, here’s ten bucks. Go to that movie. But promise me you’ll go right home afterwards.
TOMMY DESOTO
Jeeze, ya treat me like a kid!
NADYA DESOTO
You are a kid, for god’s sakes! You’re thirteen! If Mom was alive she’d tan your hide for bein’ so lippy!
TOMMY DESOTO
All right, I’ll go right home after. I promise. (he exits)
ADAM FLETCHER
(entering)
Howdy folks. I’m from Hank’s All-Night Plumbing Service. You got a flooded basement?
BERNICE STOCK
Yeah. It’s about time you got here. The manager’s having a fit.
ADAM FLETCHER
Well, ain’t that too bad. She’s not the only one with plumbing issues around here. I just got done unplugging the toilets at the Waterfall Hotel and Tavern.
NADYA DESOTO
That’s were I work! Them toilets is always getting’ plugged. Drunks don’t know when to quit stuffin’ toilet paper in the crappers. The women’s cans is the worst. If a guy could see the women’s can in a bar on a Saturday night, it’d kill his sex drive for six weeks.
ADAM FLETCHER
Sounds like you know toilets, Miss…
NADYA DESOTO
Nadya. Nadya Desoto. Pleased to meet ya.
(NADYA sticks out her hand to shake, but decides she might not want to shake a plumber’s dirty hands. ADAM is not offended.)
ADAM FLETCHER
That’s all right. These old plumber’s hands of mine have bin places you wouldn’t want ta know about. By the way, Madam, I’m Adam. Do you get it? “Madam, I’m Adam”. It’s the same frontwards or backwards. My last name’s Fletcher, like Fletcher Christian in “Mutiny on the Bounty”. That’s a book.
NADYA DESOTO
Ain’t that cute! “Madam, I’m Adam”… “Madam, I’m Adam”…the same frontwards or backwards!
BERNICE STOCK
(seeing that they like each other)
I got work to do in the kitchen. Adam, you go ahead to the basement through that door…
(teasingly)
…when you’re through talking with Nadya, here.
(BERNICE exits.)
NADYA DESOTO
I hear you plumbers make pretty good money.
ADAM FLETCHER
Oh yes. Especially us night plumbers. You’d be surprised how many folks need their pipes fixed at night.
NADYA DESOTO
Why Adam, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were flirtin’ with me…
ADAM FLETCHER
Well, maybe I am, Nadya…just maybe I am. Would ya like ta go for coffee later?
NADYA DESOTO
Don’t see why not.
ADAM FLETCHER
How about the All Night Java Joint and Jazz Bar?
NADYA DESOTO
That’s my favourite!
ADAM FLETCHER
Wait right here. I’ll be back just as quick as I can fix that leak, and there ain’t a leak I can’t fix quick.
NADYA DESOTO
You got it.
(ADAM FLETCHER exits.)
WANDERING BOB
That was the beginning of what you call “a beautiful friendship”. Nadya and Adam moved in together three weeks later, and the rest, as they say, is history. Nadya was a good kid, hard working, clean. Adam was a diamond in the rough…big and coarse on the outside, but gentle as a puppy and smart as whip on the inside. They opened their own plumbing business…Nadya kept the books…and the two of ‘em made more money than they knew what to do with. Funny how the shelter was the place where some fairy tales sometimes came true. But it was also a place of nightmares. Nadya was just standing there thinking about Adam when Angela Tracey, the social worker, came through the door looking for Theresa St. Thomas. “You seen Ms. St. Thomas?’ she asked Nadya…
Hartline Shelter for the Homeless by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 12:
ANGELA TRACEY
(entering with DENISE TRENT)
You seen Ms. St. Thomas, Nadya?
NADYA DESOTO
She ain’t here, Ms. Tracey. Why?
ANGELA TRACEY
Denise here got beat up, and her truck got stolen. Such unwarranted violence! It’s absolutely sickening.
DENISE TRENT
Two men stole my delivery truck. They pulled me out of the driver’s seat and threw me into the street.
NADYA DESOTO
Shouldn’t ya find Constable Bostok, Ms. Tracey?
ANGELA TRACEY
I can’t find him anywhere, Nadya. Denise says one of the thieves was a heavily-built, beast-like man who smelled like sweat, and the other was a little fellow who reminded her of a rodent.
NADYA DESOTO
The heavy one could be Brad “Butcherboy” Barker…he’s been staying here since he got out of jail. But I ain’t seen no one who looks like a rodent.
DENISE TRENT
My truck cost me a lot of money. And it was full of food donations for the shelter. What am I going to do?
ANGELA TRACEY
Try to calm down, Denise. I’m sure we’ll sort this all out.
DR. MARYLOU SPENCE
(entering)
Good evening. I am doctor Marylou Spence of Wilmington Haven, the hospital for the mentally ill. I am looking for an escaped patient named Jane Orloff. Perhaps you have seen her. She was wearing a bright red hat.
ANGELA TRACEY
I’m sorry, we just arrived, and we’ve seen no one of that description.
NADYA DESOTO
Me neither…no woman in a red hat around here.
DR. MARYLOU SPENCE
Confound it! I do not have time for this sort of nonsense! I should be applying electro-shock therapy and adminstering hypodermic needles full of mood altering drugs, not wandering the streets looking for a deranged woman who loves to bite legs!
DENISE TRENT
Please, Miss Tracey, that doctor is scaring me.
DR. MARYLOU SPENCE
Scaring you? Perhaps you are paranoid, young lady, and need my medical attention! Perhaps you should be committed to Wilmington Haven immediately, where I can heavily sedate you and experiment on your brain.
ANGELA TRACEY
Dr. Spence, that is quite enough. This young woman has had a traumatic experience and does not need to be bullied by a psychiatrist.
DR. MARYLOU SPENCE
Ah, I can see that you too are suffering from a delusional condition…perhaps you think you are better than me, hmmm? Perhaps you think you can outsmart me with your clever arguments! Well, no, you cannot. You need treatment, young lady, and you need it now!
NADYA DESOTO
Aw, Dr. Spence…that’s Ms. Tracy…she ain’t crazy…
MRS. ELVIRA THORNINGTON
(entering)
I will not stay in that bed a moment longer! Now there is a large reptile in it, possibly a member of the iguana family. Outrageous!
DR. MARYLOU SPENCE
Reptiles in your bed! At last, a reasonably sane person has appeared. I too have reptiles in my bed from time to time, especially after I introduce experimental drugs into my body.
(CONSTABLE BOSTOK enters with BRAD “BUTCHERBOY” BARKER under arrest, followed by THADEUS GORKY and JANE ORLOFF, who are holding JAKE DECKER under arrest, followed by Mercury Star and Saskia Breedlove)
NADYA DESOTO
Jeeze, I better get Ms. Russo.
(NADYA exits.)
ANGELA TRACEY
Brad Barker! What has he done, Constable Bostok?
CONSTABLE BOSTOK
Hijacked a delivery truck and robbed a liquor store with this kid here.
(CONSTABLE BOSTOK indicates JAKE DECKER.)
DENISE TRENT
Those are the men who attacked me and took my van!
ELLEN RUSSO
(entering with NADYA)
Nadya, would you mind checking to see if the plumber needs anything?
NADYA DESOTO
You bet, Ms. Russo…I’m pretty handy with a pipe wrench myself!
(NADYA exits.)
ELLEN RUSSO
Now, Constable, what’s going on?
MERCURY STAR
I can explain, madam. This daring young man and his companion…
(indicating THADEUS and JANE)
…helped the constable make a daring arrest of these two desperadoes. Miss Orloff bit this one in the leg…
(indicating JAKE)
…and Thadeus Gorky literally flew through the air like a speeding bullet, slamming into Butcherboy Barker, and disabling him temporarily until the constable was able to make the arrest. It was a miracle! ALLELUJAH! ALLELUJAH!
ERNESTO PHILLIPS
(entering)
There is the woman that bit my leg! Constable, arrest her at once! At once I say! My leg! It was bitten! She bit my leg! Bit it, bit it, bit it! Crazy, crazy, crazy!
DR. MARYLOU SPENCE
Yes, she is indeed crazy. She is the escapee from Wilmington Haven. I am Doctor Marylou Spence, psychiatrist. She must come with me.
MERCURY STAR
Not so fast, Doctor. Look deep within your heart. DEEP within your HEART! What do you see! What do you SEE? SIN! What you see is SIN!
DR. MARYLOU SPENCE
Yes, I see SIN! I see SIN! It looks like a big ball of mashed potatoes!
MERCURY STAR
Expell it. EXPELL IT! Let it RISE to the SURFACE! GLORY, GLORY, let it RISE to the SURFACE!
(DR. SPENCE writhes like a snake, hacks and snorts and coughs, and suddenly stands perfectly straight.)
DR. MARYLOU SPENCE
Ah, that’s better. Thankyou. I see clearly now. Jane Orloff, come to the hospital tomorrow and I will sign your release forms.
MERCURY STAR
(with enthusiasm)
Glory! Allelujah!
SASIA BREEDLOVE
Glory! Glory! You have done it again, Ms. Star! Oh, I shall follow you to the ends of the earth!
CONSTABLE BOSTOK
Ms. Star, have you completed your work here? May I take these criminals to jail, now?
BRAD “BUTCHERBOY” BARKER
You’ll be sorry, pig. I’ll tell your superiors how I bribed you, and you’ll go to jail too.
JAKE DECKER
You tell him, Butcherboy, you tell him! You are my mentor, and I deeply respect you.
THADEUS GORKY
I will save you, Constable!
(THADEUS leaps through the air and puts the constable on his back and piggy-backs him offstage.)
ELLEN RUSSO
(as THADEUS exits with CONSTABLE BOSTOK)
Thadeus! You’ll damage your back! Put the constable down! Oh, good grief…
MERCURY STAR
Glory! The boy has SAVED the constable. He has SAVED him! ALLELUJAH!
SASIA BREEDLOVE
Glory! Glory!
CONSTABLE BOSTOK
(re-entering with THADEUS and dusting himself off)
Thankyou, Thadeus, but I do not need saving by you. I must save myself. I’ll take what’s coming to me. Now come on, you two.
(CONSTABLE BOSTOK takes BRAD and JAKE offstage.)
ELLEN RUSSO
I better check on the plumber. He must be finished by now.
(ELLEN exits.)
ANGELA TRACEY
Well, Denise, let’s go find your truck. You can finish your deliveries now.
DENISE TRENT
I’m so relieved! I cannot tell you how happy I am! Even my bruises feel better!
(ANGELA and DENISE exit.)
DR. MARYLOU SPENCE
(suddenly remembering)
OH! I must hurry back to the hospital. I think I left a patient plugged into the electroshock therapy machine, with the dial on “high”…
(DR. SPENCE exits quickly.)
MRS. ELVIRA THORNINGTON
I’m going back to bed. This is much too much madness. I’ll take my chances with the rats and reptiles.
(ELVIRA exits.)
ERNESTO PHILLIPS
Not so fast, Elvira Thornington! I too will go “back to bed” as you say. Yes, “Back to Bed” and away from this terrible leg-biting devil-woman, this horrid creation from hell who has punctured my delicate calf with her dagger-like teeth, her vampire fangs pushing deep into my flesh, yes, my flesh, my precious, precious flesh…how horrid, how horrid…
(ERNESTO exits.)
JANE ORLOFF
I would pursue that man, but he tasted like KFC and I much prefer those who taste like Church’s Chicken. In fact, I no longer want to bite legs at all! The angels are telling me I should go to underdeveloped countries and teach English as a Second Language! Oh, come with me Thadeus Gorky, you have such a fine vocabulary! But first, one last taste!
(JANE seizes THADEUS, throws him down and bites his leg. He hollers loudly. She lets him up.)
THADEUS GORKY
(hobbling)
It does not matter that you chewed on my leg. I will fly! Yes, I will fly with you…we will fly together!
(THADEUS zooms around the room, like a plane, with JANE ORLOFF zooming behind him, until they exit.)
MERCURY STAR
My work here is complete! I, Mercury Star, TV Evangelist, must return to my tabernacle where my adoring followers await my healing touch. GLORY! GLORY!
(MERCURY exits.)
SASIA BREEDLOVE
Wait for me, your loyal disciple, Ms. Star! You need me to light the incense and collect the cash! GLORY!
(SASKIA exits.)
ADAM FLETCHER
(entering with NADYA DESOTO)
Thanks for helping me fix that leak, Nadya. You’re pretty handy with a pipe wrench! How’d ya like to be my partner?
NADYA DESOTO
Aw, Adam, I bet ya say that to all the girls!
ADAM FLETCHER
Ready to go for coffee?
NADYA DESOTO
Ready and willing…do you like cappachino or mocha java?
ADAM FLETCHER
Mocha java. It reminds me of the Mississippi River in springtime.
NADYA DESOTO
Me too! How about that? Let’s go see what else we got in common!
(NADYA and ADAM exit.)
THERESA St. THOMAS
(entering at the same moment as ELLEN RUSSO)
Ellen! I locked myself in a broom closet upstairs when I was looking for you! It took me hours to escape. I’m not as smart as I thought I was. I’m going home and then re-registering at the university and doing my social worker’s degree over again. Goodnight!
ELLEN RUSSO
Goodnight, Theresa, good luck!
(THERESA exits.)
HENRY BILLINGS
(entering)
I kin go home now, Ms. Russo, Bernice said so. I cooked all the vegetables and she even let me fry an all-beef patty. And I ate it too, but don’t tell her ‘cause I’m not supposed to eat beef because it makes my face puff up like a beachball. Goodnight!
ELLEN RUSSO
Good night, Henry!
(HENRY exits.)
ELLEN RUSSO
What a strange young man!
JANIE QUILT
(entering with Suzie)
Come on, Suzie, time to go home. The shelter’s all cleaned up and my dogs are so tired.
SUZIE QUILT
What dogs, Mummy?
JANIE QUILT
My feet, Suzie…sometimes folks call them dogs. I don’t know why. I’m not very smart.
ELLEN RUSSO
Goodnight, you two. Suzie, you can sleep here when your granny’s out of town. Maybe the basement will be cozy and dry next time.
SUZIE QUILT
Goodnight, Ms. Russo…I’m going to have a dream and my feet are going to turn into dogs!
(SUZIE and JANIS exit as WANDERING BOB crosses to join ELLEN.)
WANDERING BOB
Bin quite a night, Ms. Russo.
ELLEN RUSSO
It sure has, Bob, and you sat through it all so quietly.
WANDERING BOB
Oh, I ain’t bin so quiet, in my brain, I mean.
(points to his head)
Lotsa stuff bouncing around in there.
ELLEN RUSSO
(pointing to her own head and tapping it with her finger)
I guess there’s as much going on inside as outside!
WANDERING BOB
Oh, I’d say there’s more…a whole lot more.
(BERNICE STOCK enters.)
BERNICE STOCK
Hey, Ms. Russo, Bob, you two want to come back to the kitchen and have a cup of tea? Nothing like a good strong cup of tea to settle the nerves.
ELLEN RUSSO
You bet, Bernice. Say, don’t you think it’s time you started calling me “Ellen”?
BERNICE STOCK
Don’t you think it’s time you started calling me “Mrs. Stock”?
(They both laugh as they exit.)
WANDERING BOB
(to the audience)
You know, I never did join Ms. Russo and Bernice for that cup of tea. I just walked out the door and kept on walkin’. But I’ll never forget the good old Hartline Shelter for the Homeless. Maybe you’ll remember it too, whenever you get a peek into the secret part of someone’s heart. Yeah, maybe you’ll remember too. Now go on home and give someone you love a hug. You’ll be glad you did. Yes, you’ll be glad you did.
(WANDERING BOB exits whistling a little tune, as the lights fade.)
END OF THE PLAY.