Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2004
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 70 minutes
• style: musical comedy
• suitable for general audiences
• 29 characters (21 female, 8 male)
• gender-flexible casting
• black-box staging (no set required)
• song melodies included as audio files
Summary of Script Content:
• “Canadian Girl” is a satire about a girl from Canada who must somehow survive her first day in an American high school. Beneath the turbulent antics of the stereotypical characters and easily recognized plot lies a deeper tale of the heroic journey from innocence to self-mastery.
(This play was first performed in June, 2004, and performed again in June, 2009 at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
∗Published Online by Good School Plays, April 22, 2018.
Go to:
Act One, Scene 1
Act One, Scene 2
Act One, Scene 3
Act One, Scene 4
Act One, Scene 5
Act One, Scene 6
Act One, Scene 7
Act One, Scene 8
Act One, Scene 9
Act One, Scene 10
Act Two, Scene 1
Act Two, Scene 2
Act Two, Scene 3
Act Two, Scene 4
Act Two, Scene 5
Act Two, Scene 6
Act Two, Scene 7
Act Two, Scene 8
Act Three, Scene 1
Act Three, Scene 2
Act Three, Scene 3
Act Three, Scene 4
Act Three, Scene 5
Act Three, Scene 6
Act Three, Scene 7
CHARACTERS:
The Canadian Girl:
Jenny Canuck
The American Boy:
Ronny Jeb
The Beautiful and Popular Girls:
Foxy McQueen
Tiffany Follows
Juana Bee
The Handsome and Athletic Boys:
Brock Jocker
Jock Brocker
Beejay Jaybee
The Kool Kat Gang:
Tabby Fang
Cheetah Trampolini
Claudia Kapowski
Hissy Fitt
The Socially Inept Boys:
Felix Dorcas
Smokey Velcro
B.O. Rankin
The Socially Inept Girls:
Varnella Shunt
Jeffrine Gushwallow
Aggie Throttle
The Befuddled Teachers:
Mr. Hector Hanky, principal
Ms. Jusforda Halibut, American History teacher
Ms. Maida Haiku, English teacher
The Over-Achievers:
Val Dictorian
Della Repella
Sheila Winnit
Beeta Mall
The Zealous Security Officers:
Natty Pucker
Inersha Plonk
Mango Payne
The Little Canadian Angel:
Maple Leaf, Immortal
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Prologue:
(JENNY CANUCK is centrestage, having a heart-to-heart talk with her imaginary Little Canadian Angel, MAPLE LEAF.)
JENNY CANUCK
Oh, Maple Leaf, my imaginary Canadian Angel, it’s my first day of school here in California, and I’m just a scared Canadian girl. Maybe I should have stayed in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.
(Recommended melody for “Lost and Alone”:)
(JENNY sings a song of exposition:)
I’m a Canadian girl, lost and alone,
A Canadian girl, so far from home.
Mum and Dad went to heaven
On the day I turned seven;
Their toboggan crashed into a tree.
I wandered off into the forest
And found a cabin and a frozen body
Of an old man who had died there long ago.
He was in a corner under a moose skin
And there I found a maple syrup tin
Full of mouldy loonies that I stole.
I took the tin and a pair of snowshoes
And struggled on as the freezing dark grew,
And the winter sky danced with northern lights.
I met a logger on a moonlit hillcrest;
I challenged him to an ice-fishing contest
And I won! I won!
He gave me his Ski-Doo and his Boler trailer,
So I hooked them up and I headed on my way, yeah,
All the way to California ’cause its warm
I swore I’d never freeze my toes again!
I swore I’d never freeze my toes again!
JENNY CANUCK
And I won’t! But I’m afraid, Maple Leaf. What if the American kids don’t like me? Oh well, at least the blood is circulating in my extremities! Now, if my map is correct, Bush High School should be just over there.
(JENNY points offstage and she and MAPLE LEAF exit.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 1:
(SETTING: The foyer of Bush High School, Opening Day, around the year 2000.)
(Security Officers INERSHA PLONK, MANGO PAYNE and NATTY PUCKER await the arrival of the students. NATTY PUCKER and MANGO PAYNE are extremely tidy, but OFFICER PLONK’S top shirt button is undone and her shirt tail is out.)
OFFICER PUCKER
You could’ve at least tried to look tidy for the first day of school, Officer Plonk.
OFFICER PLONK
Mama always used to dress me, Officer Pucker. I just never got the hang of dressing myself after Mama died from donut poisoning.
OFFICER PAYNE
Your top button is undone and your shirt tail is out, Officer Plonk.
OFFICER PLONK
(genuinely surprised by the discovery)
I’ll be a son-of-a-gun.
OFFICER PUCKER
The kids here at Bush High School don’t respect security officers who look like slobs.
OFFICER PLONK
I wish my uniform was a one-piece leotard, or maybe just painted right on my skin.
OFFICER PAYNE
How the heck did you get through basic training, Officer Plonk?
OFFICER PLONK
Bad luck, I guess.
OFFICER PUCKER
I’ll say, for the reputation of American law-enforcement.
(Recommended melody for “An American Cop”:)
(The OFFICERS sing:)
OFFICERS PUCKER & PAYNE:
An American cop should be neat as a pin;
A shirt tail out is a cardinal sin.
If you wanna bust kids who are breaking rules,
You gotta look clean and you gotta look cool.
OFFICER PLONK:
I do my best to do a good job,
So don’t go callin’ me a rumpled-up slob!
I’m kinda sloppy and I’m not too smart,
But I got guts and I got heart.
OFFICER PUCKER & PAYNE:
I guess we ought to apologize;
We can see the tears in your big sad eyes.
OFFICER PLONK:
I don’t got time to be feelin’ sad;
I wanna keep kids from doin’ bad.
PUCKER, PAYNE, & PLONK:
We walk the halls of this old high school
Lookin’ for kids who are breaking rules.
We don’t take guff and we don’t take sass;
If you break the rules we’ll bust your ass.
(MR. HANKY, MS. HALIBUT, and MS. HAIKU enter.)
MR. HANKY
Ah, Officers Pucker, Payne, and Plunk. Ready for the big day?
OFFICER PLONK
(trying to tuck in the shirt and do up the button)
I guess, Mr. Principal, sir.
OFFICERS PUCKER & PAYNE
Ready and willing, Mr. Hanky, ready and willing.
MS. HALIBUT
I love the first day of school. Soon, all the young stoopids will storm across our threshold, eager to learn to hate!
MR. HANKY
Don’t you mean “young students eager to learn to debate”, Ms. Halibut?
MS. HALIBUT
What did I say?
(NOTE: MS. HAIKU always speaks using “haiku” 5-7-5 structure. She is very formal in her manner, and enunciates carefully, honouring the cadences of spoken haiku. She also has a little bell, or triangle, which she rings once before speaking.)
MS. HAIKU
”…all the young stupids
will storm across our threshold,
eager to learn to hate!”
MS. HALIBUT
I said no such thing, Ms. Haiku.
OFFICER PLONK
Did too. We heard you plain as day.
OFFICER PUCKER
Young stoopids. That’s what you said.
OFFICER PAYNE
Eager to learn to hate.
MS. HALIBUT
Dear me! Whatever could be wrong with me! What a dreadful mistake!
(Recommended melody for “My Words”:)
(MS. HALIBUT sings:)
Why oh why do my phrases betray me
When there’s so much I’m longing to say?
Why oh why do my words disobey me
In alarming and upsetting ways?
In alarming and upsetting way!
(She is disconsolate by the end of the verse.)
MR. HANKY
Now, now, buck up, Ms. Halibut.
MS. HAIKU
You don’t want students
To see you lost in remorse
On this special day!
MR. HANKY
You’re an American, Jusforda, and Americans are optimists, not crybabies.
MS. HAIKU
Except when we see
“Old Glory” waving above.
Then our tears flow free!
MS. HALIBUT
Quite so, Ms. Haiku. I must pull myself together for the sake of all those fresh young fascists who will soon flood through the doors.
MR. HANKY
You said “fresh young fascists”, Ms. Halibut. Don’t you mean “fresh young faces?”
MS. HAIKU
In America,
Children devote their pure hearts
To freedom’s bold cause.
OFFICER PUCKER
You called our students “fascists”, Ms. Halibut.
OFFICER PAYNE
That’s right, “fascists”. “Fresh young fascists.” That’s what you said.
OFFICER PLONK
We heard you, plain as day!
MS. HALIBUT
Oh dear! What’s the matter with me!
(Recommended melody for “My Words”, part 2:)
(MS. HALIBUT sings:)
When oh when the sun rose this morning
I strolled to school with such joy in my heart.
But suddenly words come out wrong without warning;
Suddenly everything’s falling apart.
MR. HANKY
You must try to pull yourelf together, Jusforda.
MS. HAIKU
Let us talk no more
Of hateful hordes of fascists
Storming through our school.
MS. HALIBUT
I fear I shall have a nervous breakdown before the day is out!
MR. HANKY
(putting a loving arm around her to comfort her)
There, there, Ms. Halibut. Now let us remain here in the foyer to greet our pupils.
MS. HALIBUT
Yes, our precious poodles come first.
MR. HANKY
Pupils, Ms. Halibut, not poodles.
MS. HALIBUT
Yes, yes, of course. My, I’m in such a state! Thank goodness you and Ms. Haiku are here support me, Mr. Hanky.
(MS. HALIBUT’s eyes gaze fondly at the gentle yet commanding principal. She, MR. HANKY, MS. HAIKU and the SECURITY OFFICERS move upstage into a tableau position.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 2:
(FELIX DORCAS, SMOKEY VELCRO, and B.O. RANKIN enter.)
B.O. RANKIN
A new school year and a fresh chance to find a young woman whose compassion outweighs her good sense.
FELIX DORCAS
If I don’t find a girlfriend this year, I expect I’ll have to give up and become a poet.
SMOKEY VELCRO
All summer, I searched for a girlfriend, but all I found was solitary sorrow.
B.O. RANKIN
I feel the faint stirrings of hope in my heart. Perhaps this is the year my accursed adolescent yearning will finally be requited.
FELIX DORCAS
Face it, B.O., the only romance we’re ever going to find is of the virtual kind on the internet.
SMOKEY VELCRO
Don’t knock cyberspace, Felix. It’s better than nothing.
B.O. RANKIN
That’s correct, Smokey. We Americans invented the internet to facilitate our cultural preference for superficial relationships.
SMOKEY VELCRO
Good old Yankee doodle know-how, in search of banality.
B.O. RANKIN
(singing acapella)
Yankee doodle went to town, looking for a party!
SMOKEY VELCRO
(singing acapella)
Yankee Doodle, keep it up,
Yankee Doodle dandy
Mind the music and the step,
And with the girls be handy!
FELIX DORCAS
What’s a doodle and why is it a Yankee?
B.O. RANKIN
That’s a question best left to the experts, Felix.
FELIX DORCAS
No, I really want to know.
SMOKEY VELCRO
You are such a naive young thing, Felix.
FELIX DORCAS
I pride myself on it, Smokey. Innocence is almost extinct in America.
B.O. RANKIN
The new school year has just started, and already I feel my lofty dreams of romantic adventure turning into the usual nightmare of endless, mind-numbing conversations full of puerile innuendo.
(Recommended melody for “You Spell it L-O-V-E”:)
(B.O. sings.)
Summer’s nearly over and I’ve got my four-leaf clover
And I’m hoping for some L-O-V-E…
I’m looking for a chance to get me some romance,
A little bit of loving for me
(FELIX and SMOKEY join in.)
You spell it L-O-V-E…
It comes out S-E-X.
You spell it L-O-V-E…
It comes out S-E-X.
(FELIX sings.)
I’m standing in the hallways
With my friends like I do always
Where the pretty girls are something to see.
I watch them walking by,
But no matter how I try,
They never seem to look at me.
(All three sing.)
You spell it L-O-V-E…
It comes out S-E-X.
You spell it L-O-V-E…
It comes out S-E-X.
(SMOKEY sings.)
When I try to be a guy
Who gives his heart away
(All three sing.)
I find my vulgar mind
Is the only part of me
With something to say!
Why can’t I do it right
And find a way to fight
All the endless silly fantasies I seek?
Why can’t I be a boy
Who finds romantic joy
Instead of being a teenage freak?
(All three sing)
You spell it L-O-V-E…
It comes out S-E-X.
You spell it L-O-V-E…
It comes out S-E-X.
SMOKEY VELCRO
Ah, it’s hopeless.
FELIX DORCAS
We wouldn’t even know what to say to a real girl.
B.O. RANKIN
And a real girl certainly wouldn’t say anything to us.
(Depressed by the hard truth about the hopelessness of their romantic aspirations, they withdraw upstage and form a tableau.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 3:
(VARNELLA SHUNT, JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW, and AGGIE THROTTLE enter.)
AGGIE THROTTLE
Look over there! It’s Felix Dorcas, B.O. Rankin, and Smokey Velcro, back again for more rejction.
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
Those guys are so needy.
VARNELLA SHUNT
You can almost smell it from here.
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
They lack confidence. We need more guys with confidence in this school.
VARNELLA SHUNT
Most of them are shy as kittens.
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
I want a guy who exudes savoir faire, like the ones on TV.
AGGIE THROTTLE
The guys on TV are totally confident, even when they’re acting shy. That’s why TV is the best thing in America.
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
Sometimes I wish I could just walk right through my TV screen and grab a TV guy.
VARNELLA SHUNT
What would you do with him, Jeffrine?
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
Put him in my closet until I felt like dancing.
VARNELLA SHUNT
Dancing?
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
Yes, dancing. I’d dance with my TV guy until I stopped feeling depressed.
AGGIE THROTTLE
You’re depressed?
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
I never said that.
VARNELLA SHUNT
Yes you did. You said you’re feeling depressed.
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
Just stop. I’m not depressed.
VARNELLA SHUNT
You are too. Anyone can see you’re depressed.
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
How, Vernella? How can you see?
VARNELLA SHUNT
Your hair. It’s sort of dull.
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
I wouldn’t talk about dull hair if I were you.
VARNELLA SHUNT
If you were me, who would I be?
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
Someone looking at a girl with dull hair. She’s the one with dull hair, right Aggie?
AGGIE THROTTLE
You both have dull hair.
VARNELLA SHUNT
Oh, god!
AGGIE THROTTLE
Tell me the truth. Is my hair dull too?
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
It’s got a sort of matte finish, like spaghetti in garlic sauce that’s been thrown against a wall and dried up.
AGGIE THROTTLE
I knew it! Why can’t we have hair like Beyonce or Britney?
VARNELLA SHUNT
Or Scarlett or Shakira?
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
It’s no wonder we’re depressed.
(Recommended melody for “We Were Made for TV”:)
(ALL THREE sing:)
We were made for TV;
It’s obvious to see
Our parents turned us into TV babies.
They made the TV tube
More important than our food;
The TV was our baby-sitting service.
We were made for TV
And the TV made us see
We’d never be as pretty or successful
As the stars we all adored
Who were never ever bored;
On TV life is never ever stressful.
Without our televisions we would die!
“There’s nothing left to live for!” we would cry!
We would lie down on our beds
Until we all were dead,
And watch God’s TV Station in the sky
In America, you see
We live for our T.V.
It’s taught us everything we’ll ever know.
T.V. guides us on our way
From the cradle to the grave;
America is just a T.V. show.
America is just a T.V. show!
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
And now T.V.’s morphing into social media.
VARNELLA SHUNT
I’m so addicted to all of it!
AGGIE THROTTLE
Electronic media is so much better than reality.
(Dejectedly, they go upstage and form a tableau.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 4:
(TABBY FANG, CHEETAH TRAMPOLINI, CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI, and HISSY FITT enter. They wear gear that makes them look like stylized cats, and are well-studied in acting like anthropomorphized felines.)
TABBY FANG
So Carlo Schnauzer says to me, “Hey, Tabby Fang, Georgie Corgi says you’re easy.”
CHEETAH TRAMPOLINI
What didja do, Tabby?
TABBY FANG
I cuffed him so hard his head made a hole in the drywall.
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI
He deserved it, the little chow hound. I’m sick of Carlo Schnauzer and that flea-bitten doggy gang of his.
CHEETAH TRAMPOLINI
They make me want to puke up a hairball, every last one of ‘em.
TABBY FANG
We need new males to hang with.
HISSY FITT
Males with class who respect us.
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI
Real red-blooded American males with good pedigrees who’ll back us up when it’s time to make the fur fly.
CHEETAH TRAMPOLINI
Males who want us to be their “panther-pals”, not their “cuddle-kitties”, right Tabby?
TABBY FANG
Are you saying I’m a cuddle-kitty, Cheetah Trampolini?
CHEETAH TRAMPOLINI
Not to be too catty or anything, Tabby Fang, but you’re the cuddle-kitty queen!
TABBY FANG
Why, I oughta…
(They prepare to indulge in a back-arching, hissing brawl.)
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI
(restraining them with the help of HISSY FITT)
Hey, hey, kitties, no scratching on the first day of school.
HISSY FITT
We made a kitty-cat pact, remember?
TABBY FANG
Cheetah made fun of my affectionate nature, Claudia.
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI
Take it back, Cheetah.
HISSY FITT
You know the kitty-code, Cheetah Trampolini.
CHEETAH TRAMPOLINI
(sulking)
I take it back.
CLAUDIA
Let’s do our Kool Kat power moves.
(The three KOOL KATS do their signature “clawing” moves and back arches, accompanied by cat sounds.)
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI
There. All better now?
HISSY FIT
In America, being a cat is so much better than being a kid!
CHEETA, TABBY, and HISSY
(meowing in unison and clawing the air)
Rowwwwwrrrrrrrrrrrr!
(Recommended melody for “Who Loves Kitty
(The KOOL KATS sing:)
Who loves Kitty?
Hiss and scratch!
We all love Kitty!
The cool Kool Kats!
Who loves Kitty?
We arch our backs!
We all love Kitty!
The cool Kool Kats!
Kool Kats!
Cool Kool Kats!
Kool Kats!
Cool Kool Kats!
One tough Kitty
Lands on her paws!
Two tough Kitties
Slash with our claws!
Three tough Kitties
Tear with our fangs!
Who loves Kitty?
The Kool Kat gang!
Kool Kat!
Kool Kat gang!
Kool Kat!
Kool Kat!
Kool Kat gang!
Kool Kat!
Kool Kat!
Kool Kat gang!
Kool Kat!
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI
Now let’s have a cat nap before we go scratch up the couches in the school library.
(They go upstage and pile up and go to sleep.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 5:
(BROCK JOCKER, JOCK BROCKER, and BEEJAY JAYBEE enter.)
JOCK BROCKER
You playin’ basketball this year, Brock?
BROCK JOCKER
Coach wants me to be captain. How about you, Beejay?
BEEJAY JAYBEE
I’m tryin’ out for the co-ed beach volleyball squad.
JOCK BROCKER
Your girlfriend gonna let you do beach volleyball with athletes of the female persuasion?
BEEJAY JAYBEE
What she don’t know won’t hurt her. So Jock, good ol’ Jockerooni, you gonna go out for football again? Gonna keep shootin’ for All-American?
JOCK BROCKER
Got to. Tiffany likes it.
BROCK JOCKER
You’re under the influence, man.
JOCK BROCKER
It’s worth it.
BEEJAY JAYBEE
You’re under the influence too, Brocko, with Foxy.
BROCK JOCKER
What’s romance without drama, Beejay? Foxy loves drama, and I’ve got the ideal venue for it.
JOCK BROCKER
And where’s that?
BEEJAY JAYBEE
Brocky’s secret love-salon of endless sinful pleasure?
BROCK JOCKER
(becoming enthusiastically and sensually poetic)
When my black light’s on and my jacuzzi’s bubbling, and my sound-surround sub-woofers are pulsating and throbbing to a soulful love ballad, how could Foxy resist my charms? How could anyone?
JOCK BROCKER
(pretending to be enchanted by BROCK)
Oh, Brock…your woofers are calling like sirens in the night!
BEEJAY JAYBEE
(also pretending to be enchanted)
Woof, woof, Brockuzzi! Let me soak in your light!
BROCK JOCKER
Back off, boys! You’re getting all virtual. I’m saving myself for reality.
(Recommended melody for “Brocky the Jockey”:)
(BROCK sings:)
I’m a man who’s on top of the world;
I got the goods, I got the girl.
I’m a man who’s silky and smooth;
I got the looks, I got the moves.
They call me Brockey the Jockey!
‘Cause I’m riding high!
They call me Brocky the Jockey!
Gonna ride, ride, ride.
(BEEJAY and JOCK sing:)
He’s a dude who’s got what it takes
He’s on the move; he’s on the make
He’s a dude who makes the ladies drool
Because he’s hot; because he’s cool.
They call him Brockey the Jockey!
He’s a high riding guy!
They call him Brockey the Jockey!
Gonna ride till he dies.
(All three sing:)
Brockey the Jockey
Riding so high
Brocky the Jockey
Gonna ride, ride, ride!
(BROCK sings:)
Gonna ride ‘till I die!
(BEEJAY and JOCK sing:)
Riding high ‘till he dies!
BROCK JOCKER
If you need advice on stayin’ in the saddle, I’m your man, fellas. The don’t call me “Brockey the Jockey” for nothin’.
(They go upstage and form a tableau.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 6:
(VAL DICTORIAN, DELLA REPELLA, SHEILA WINNIT, and BEETA MALL enter.)
VAL DICTORIAN
So I’m taking all the sciences and advanced calculus. How about you, Della Repella?
DELLA REPELLA
I’m doing an independent project on “The Decline and Fall of the American Empire” and I’m getting college credits for Advanced Studies in American Literature. You got any plans, Sheila Winnit?
SHEILA WINNIT
I’m joining six extra-curricular clubs, four sports teams, the Red Cross, and Amnesty International. You gonna go for gold, Beeta Mall?
BEETA MALL
I’m taking it easy this year, so I’ve cut back to six academic courses, two electives, and piano, dance, and singing lessons five days a week.
VAL DICTORIAN
I want to push my GPA up from 4.98 to 4.99 so I can get the California Governor’s Award.
DELLA REPELLA
I’m aiming for the Bush High School Citizenship and Academic Excellence Trophy.
SHEILA WINSOME
I’ve going to win the State Science and Technology Scholarship for the university of my choice.
BEETA MALL
You’re all so ambitious. All I want is the Milton Friedman Bursary for six years’ tuition at the University of Chicago.
(Recommended melody for “High Achievers”:)
(The HIGH ACHIEVERS sing:)
We’re busy little bunnies
And we’ve got a lot to do.
We’re gonna rule the world
Before we’re twenty-two.
We never ever sleep or eat
We never stop to rest.
We never lose a single chance
To do our very best.
We’re achievers,
High achievers.
Genetically branded for the best of success.
We’re achievers,
High achievers,
High achievers,
Genetically bound to be and beat
The very best of the best.
We always do our homework
And we always check it twice.
Our notes are always organized
Our writing’s always nice.
We’re never late, we’re never slow;
We hand things in on time.
We’re good at everything we do
And upwards we will climb!
We’re achievers,
High achievers.
Genetically branded for the best of success.
We’re achievers,
High achievers,
High achievers
Genetically bound to be and beat
The very best of the best.
We’re high achievers!
VAL DICTORIAN
I can’t wait for the bell to ring and classes to start!
DELLA REPELLA
I can’t wait to begin researching my first essay of the year!
SHEILA WINNIT
I can’t wait to bolt out of the starting gate in the great academic race!
BEETA MALL
I can’t wait to be a memorable American who’s the living embodiment of “Yes We Can!”
(They take their place upstage.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 7:
(FOXY McQUEEN, TIFFANY FOLLOWS, and JUANA BEE enter.)
FOXY McQUEEN
There’s Brock! How do I look?
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
Gorgeous, Foxy. Sort of touchably untouchable.
JUANA BEE
You look cool in the warmest way. I wish I had your fashion sense.
FOXY McQUEEN
This year I’m only wearing Prada, Versace, and Christian Dior. No more Escada…too tacky.
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
Totally. Escada is so…so…
FOXY McQUEEN
Tacky.
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
Exactly. Tacky. So tacky…so very, very tacky.
JUANA BEE
Yeah. Like Armani. Armani’s tacky, too.
FOXY McQUEEN
Armani’s good.
JUANA BEE
That’s what I mean. Armani’s tacky in a way that’s good.
FOXY McQUEEN
Figure it out, Juana, then get back to me.
JUANA BEE
I’ll get back to you, Foxy, okay? Oh, Foxy, Brock’s looking at you!
FOXY McQUEEN
It’s easy to see he adores me. Look at him staring at me. You can practically see him salivating.
JUANA BEE
Like a rooster looking at a fine, fat hen.
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
(taking her aside and warning her)
No, Juana…never make weight references to Foxy!
FOXY McQUEEN
You’ve got a lot to learn, Juana Bee, if you wanna be following me like Tiffany Follows follows me. Right Tiffany Follows?
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
I don’t follow.
JUANA BEE
I’m so confused. Oh, Tiffany, Jock’s looking at you!
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
He better be. I got up at five and worked real hard to make myself look a little bit like you, Foxy.
FOXY McQUEEN
At least you tried, Tiffany.
(Recommended melody for “Not Easy to Be”:)
(FOXY sings:)
If you wanna be me,
You’ve just gotta see
That being like me
Is not easy to be.
(TIFFANY and JUANA sing:)
Not easy!
Not easy to be!
(FOXY sings:)
I try and try till I feel like I’ll die;
I try but I’m not satisfied!
(TIFFANY and JUANA sing:)
She tries
But she’s not satisfied!
(FOXY sings:)
I can’t even be
Myself so you see
You cannot be free
If you want to be me.
(TIFFANY and JUANA sing:)
Can never,
Can never be free.
(All three sing:)
That’s why
Happiness is just a lie!
A lie like the tears in our eyes;
A lie like the tears in our eyes.
(FOXY sings:)
If you wanna be me,
You’ve just gotta see
That being like me
Is not easy to be.
(TIFFANY and JUANA sing:)
Not easy!
Not easy to be!
Not easy!
Not easy to be!
JUANA BEE
Oh, oh, oh! Beejay’s looking at me! Oh, I can’t look back. What’s he doing? What’s he doing?
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
Must be my imagination, but it sort of looks like he just gave you the finger.
JUANA BEE
Ohhhhhh.
(They go upstage and form a tableau near their boyfriends.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 8:
(RONNY JEB enters and goes downstage. The people in the tableau make comments to each other about him.)
OFFICER PUCKER
What’s that kid’s name again?
OFFICER PLONK
I dunno.
OFFICER PAYNE
Maybe he doesn’t have a name.
MR. HANKY
I believe it’s something like “Reb”, or “Jeb”.
MS. HALIBUT
Ronny Jeb, or so I’ve heard.
MS. HAIKU
(in elegant haiku)
That may be his name,
But who bears a name like that?
Only an outcast.
FELIX DORCAS
He’s a lone wolf, out there on his own.
SMOKEY VELCRO
He doesn’t even try to find intimacy.
B.O. RANKIN
Far from the madding crowd, his sober wishes have never learned to stray.
VARNELLA SHUNT
He’s a riddle.
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
Wrapped in a mystery.
AGGIE THROTTLE
Inside an enigma.
TABBY FANG
He don’t got no territory to mark.
CHEETAH TRAMPOLINI
I could scratch him so easy.
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI
One cuff and he’s down.
HISSY FITT
He’s a mutt, a lousy little mongrel.
BROCK JOCKER
He never plays sports.
JOCK BROCKER
No friends.
BEEJAY JAYBEE
No nothing.
VAL DICTORIAN
He fails at everything.
DELLA REPELLA
Comes to class late.
SHEILA WINNIT
Always sits at the back.
BETTA MALL
Won’t join any clubs.
JUANA BEE
So creepy!
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
What does he want?
FOXY McQUEEN
He’s probably a substance abuser.
(Recommended melody for “Ronny Jeb”:)
(RONNY stands in mute solitude while everyone in the tableau sings:)
He’s alone
On his own
Got no friends
Got no home
Got no mom
Got no dad
He’s a bad
Sort of lad
You’re such a freak and you’re all alone
And you got no friends
To call your own
Ronny Jeb!
Ronny Jeb!
Bet you wish
You were dead
And we don’t want you near us
You’re weird! You’re weird!
No, we don’t want you in our school
We wish that you would fear us!
Get away!
Get away!
Get away from here and leave us!
Get away!
Get away!
Get away from here and leave us!
Hey there,
Hey there,
Ronny Jeb!
We won’t let you be with us
Alive or dead!
(RONNY JEB shrugs, goes upstage, and stands apart from the tableau.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 9:
(JENNY CANUCK enters with MAPLE LEAF, who watches from the sidelines, on the side opposite to RONNY JEB. JENNY goes downstage and speaks to audience as if she’s speaking to the crowd standing behind her. They stare at her with curiosity mixed with suspicion.)
JENNY CANUCK
Hey! I’m new, eh? I’m from Canada. My name’s Jenny, Jenny Canuck. I’m kind of nervous, eh, because this is my first day and I don’t even know how to get to my first class here in Bush High School, which is kind of funny because I could find my way through the “bush” when I ran away after my parents died in a freak toboggan accident.
(pauses…the others watch her silently)
Can…can any of you help me?
(Recommended melody for “Canadian Girl”:)
(All sing “Canadian Girl”, except RONNY JEB and MAPLE LEAF. While they sing, JENNY pulls some Canadian items out of her pack to comfort herself: a small flag, a maple leaf, a hockey puck, a framed picture of the queen, a mountie doll, etc.)
(FEMALE CHARACTERS sing:) She’s a Canadian girl
(MALE CHARACTERS sing:) Canadian girl.
(FEMALE CHARACTERS sing:) She’s a Canadian girl
(MALE CHARACTERS sing:) Canadian girl.
(FEMALE CHARACTERS sing:) She’s a Canadian girl
(ALL sing:) Living in the U.S.A.
(FEMALE CHARACTERS sing:) In the U.S.A.
(FEMALE CHARACTERS sing:) She’s a Canadian girl
(MALE CHARACTERS sing:) She loves the snow.
(FEMALE CHARACTERS sing:) Canadian girl
(MALE CHARACTERS sing:) She’s frozen her toes.
(FEMALE CHARACTERS sing:) Canadian girl
(ALL sing:) Living in the U.S.A.
(MALE CHARACTERS sing:) In the U.S.A.
(MALE CHARACTERS sing:) Should we give her a chance
For American romance?
(FEMALE CHARACTERS sing:) Maybe we should wait and see.
Her Canadian eyes might
Take away our guys.
(ALL sing:) Maybe we should heave her
Into the sea!
(ALL sing:) She’s a Canadian girl
Canadian girl.
Canadian girl
Canadian girl.
Canadian girl
Living in the U.S.A.
In the U.S.A.
In the U.S.A.,
Oh yeah!
BROCK JOCKER
(stepping forward)
I guess I could help you, kid.
JENNY CANUCK
Thank you, kind, handsome American boy!
FOXY McQUEEN
(calling out)
Oh, Brock, I seem to have something nasty in my eye! Could you help me?
BROCK JOCKER
(to JENNY)
Sorry, kid, something’s come up.
JENNY CANUCK
That’s all right, I understand.
(BROCK goes back to FOXY as FOXY gives JENNY a warning glare.)
(Recommended melody for “High School Can Be So Cruel”:)
(JENNY sings as everyone stares at her solemnly.)
High school can be so cruel
When you’re all alone…when you’re new
No one knows your name
No one cares about your pain
When you’re new in the high school
Whoa whoa yeah
In the high school
Whoa whoa yeah
High school is full of eyes
That look at you and make you cry
Kids stare…you hear them laugh
As you walk alone to class
When you’re new in the high school
Whoa whoa yeah
In the high school
Whoa whoa yeah
High school cannot give me love
It only gives me tears
High school cannot give me hope
It only gives me fear
I’m out here on my own
So very far away from home
(Other characters sing while JENNY speaks:)
High school can be so cruel
When you’re all alone…when you’re new
No one knows your name
No one cares about your pain
When you’re new in the high school
Whoa whoa yeah
In the high school
Whoa whoa yeah
In the high school,
Whoa whoa yeah.
JENNY CANUCK
(speaking as the others softly sing the verse above)
I’m just a Canadian girl, eh?
And I feel so all alone here in America.
I’m scared to show my flag tattoo
And I had to hide my snowshoes in my locker.
The kids here all make fun of my toque
And there are no Canadian Tire stores anywhere.
I’d like to find a friend here,
But no one shares my love of ice-fishing,
Playing tag with polar bears
And making snow angels on my birthday in July.
If only I could find a friend, everything would be all right.
(JENNY joins in the song when she reaches the end of her monologue.)
High school is full of eyes
That look at you and make you cry
Kids stare…you hear them laugh
As you walk alone to class
When you’re new in the high school
Whoa whoa yeah
In the high school
Whoa whoa yeah
In the high school,
Whoa whoa yeah.
High school, in the high school,
High school, oh yeah!
MS. HALIBUT
My, my, so much emotional excrement!
MR. HANKY
“Excitement”, Ms. Halibut, “emotional excitement”, not “excrement”.
MS. HALIBUT
Oh, dear, I’ve done it again!
MS. HAIKU
Dear Ms. Halibut,
Emotions are pink petals
Whirling in the breeze.
MR. HANKY
Now, let’s all of us Americans go to our American classrooms so we can all start our American school year.
(The characters exit, except FOXY McQUEEN and RONNY JEB. FOXY goes up to JENNY and knocks her books out of her arms.)
FOXY McQUEEN
Whoops! You dropped something!
(FOXY exits.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 10:
(MAPLE LEAF flutters over to RONNY JEB, who senses her presence. He goes to JENNY and helps her pick up her things. MAPLE LEAF is pleased.)
RONNY JEB
You say you’re from Canada?
JENNY CANUCK
Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.
RONNY JEB
Pardon?
JENNY CANUCK
Moose Jaw. That’s my hometown in Canada.
RONNY JEB
Oh. I thought you were speaking some sort of ancient language. “Mooz Chaw Suzz Cat Choo One”.
JENNY CANUCK
All language is ancient.
RONNY JEB
I guess.
JENNY CANUCK
My mom and dad are dead. Their toboggan hit a tree.
RONNY JEB
I heard that part when you were making your big speech.
JENNY CANUCK
I didn’t mean to make a speech. I was just scared.
RONNY JEB
I know.
JENNY CANUCK
After Mom and Dad died, things got kind of weird. I ran away in the snow and found a dead man in a cabin and a tin full of money. Then I challenged a logger to an ice-fishing contest, won a Boler and a Ski-Doo, and came here because I didn’t want my toes to freeze ever again.
RONNY JEB
What’s a “Boler”?
JENNY CANUCK
A tiny Canadian fiberglass trailer that looks like a puffy two-tone marshmallow. It’s where I live all alone. I towed it down here with my Ski-Doo.
RONNY JEB
The little white and green trailer in Asphalt Acres Trailer Park?
JENNY CANUCK
That’s it.
RONNY JEB
I live by myself in a trailer in Asphalt Acres too, a tiny American Airstream. My parents were killed in a freak surfboard accident.
JENNY CANUCK
We have a lot in common, even though you’re an American and I’m a Canadian.
RONNY JEB
Are all Canadian girls as brave and pretty as you?
JENNY CANUCK
You think I’m pretty?
RONNY JEB
Yes.
JENNY CANUCK
Do you think that boy who wanted to help me thinks I’m pretty?
RONNY JEB
Brock Jocker?
JENNY CANUCK
Brock? Is that his name?
RONNY JEB
Yep.
JENNY CANUCK
Brock…such a strong sounding name. It suits him.
RONNY JEB
Don’t you want to know my name?
JENNY CANUCK
Huh?
RONNY JEB
My name. It’s Ronny. Ronny Jeb.
JENNY CANUCK
Oh. Thanks for being a “friend”, Ronny. Can you tell me how to get to Ms. Halibut’s American History class?
RONNY JEB
Straight down that hall…third door on the left.
JENNY CANUCK
Thanks, Ronny, you’re a real…
(searching for the word)
pal.
(JENNY exits. MAPLE LEAF flutters sadly around RONNY. He seems to sense she’s there.)
RONNY JEB
Yeah…a “pal”.
(Recommended melody for “Jenny”:)
(RONNY sings as MAPLE LEAF watches sadly in the background:)
How can I tell her I love her
She thinks that I’m just a friend
I’ve got to work hard to help her
I’ve got two hands I can lend
If she is ever in danger
I’ll try to be by her side
If she is ever unhappy
I’ll dry the tears she cries.
I know I’ll love her forever.
For Jenny I’d willingly die.
I love my beautiful Jenny,
Though she doesn’t know I’m her guy.
Jenny…oh, Jenny
Though you’ll never know…
Jenny…oh, Jenny…
Jenny, I love you so.
I love you so.
I love you so.
Oh, lovely Jenny,
I love you,
I love you, love you so!
(MAPLE LEAF exits to find JENNY. RONNY exits in a blue funk, but compensated by his determination to do the right thing for JENNY.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 1:
(The SECURITY OFFICERS enter.)
OFFICER PUCKER
I don’t like it, Officers Plonk and Payne.
OFFICER PLONK
Don’t like what, Natty?
OFFICER PUCKER
Don’t call me “Natty”. It’s unprofessional.
OFFICER PAYNE
Call her “Officer Pucker.”
OFFICER PLONK
Officer Pucker.
OFFICER PUCKER
What?
OFFICER PLONK
Officer Payne said to call you Officer Pucker.
OFFICER PUCKER
Only when you’ve got something to say.
OFFICER PLONK
I got something to say, Officer Pucker.
OFFICER PUCKER
Then say it, for the love of Mary!
OFFICER PLONK
You said, “I don’t like it, Officer Plonk and Payne.”
OFFICER PAYNE
So what do you want to say?
OFFICER PLONK
(shouting)
Don’t like what, Officer Pucker?
(pauses)
Are y’all satisfied now?
OFFICER PUCKER
Yep.
OFFICER PAYNE
Officer Pucker is well and truly satisfied.
OFFICER PLONK
Well, what don’t you like, Officer Pucker?
OFFICER PUCKER
That Canadian girl.
OFFICER PLONK
Why?
OFFICER PUCKER
She’s trouble.
OFFICER PLONK
What kind of trouble?
OFFICER PUCKER
Trouble from that cold land in the north.
OFFICER PLONK
Canada?
OFFICER PUCKER
Yes, Canada. Canadians are like little radiators, pumping out heat.
OFFICER PAYNE
That’s how they survive when its winter in their icy cold land.
OFFICER PLONK
I got no idea what you’re talkin’ about.
OFFICER PUCKER
That basketball star Brock Jocker’s attracted to the Canadian kid’s natural warmth, and so are his pals.
OFFICER PLONK
Isn’t that cute.
OFFICER PAYNE
No, it’s not “cute”.
OFFICER PUCKER
It’s trouble with a capital “T”.
(Recommended melody for “Trouble”:)
(PUCKER and PAYNE sing:)
It’s trouble with a capital “T”
When American boys can see
A Canadian burning
With her eyes wide and yearning ,
It’s trouble with a capital “T”.
(INERSHA PLONK sings:)
It’s trouble with a capital “T”
When American eyes can see
a Canadian glowing
even when it’s not snowing,
It’s trouble with a capital “T”.
(PUCKER and PAYNE sing:)
Trouble!
Trouble!
Trouble with a capital “T”.
(INERSHA PLONK sings:)
Trouble!
Trouble!
Trouble with a capital “T”.
(ALL SING)
She’s trouble with a capital T;
Right here in the land of the free;
Trouble!
Trouble!
Trouble with a capital “T”.
Trouble with a capital “T”.
We’ll make her go
Back to the snow
Back to the big deep freeze!
(The SECURITY OFFICERS exit.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 2:
(MR. HANKY, MS. HALIBUT, and MS. HAIKU enter.)
MR. HANKY
How was your first American History class of the year, Ms. Halibut?
MS. HALIBUT
Splendid, Mr. Hanky. I told the children that medication is the key to their success.
MR. HANKY
“Medication?” Don’t you mean “dedication”, Ms. Halibut?
MS. HALIBUT
Did I say “medication”?
MR. HANKY
Yes you did.
MS. HAIKU
True greatness blooms best
Free from all medication
When seeking success.
MS. HALIBUT
I can’t think what’s the matter with me, Ms. Haiku. Every time I talk about the students, I say rude things about their minds, their politics, or their bodily functions.
MS. HAIKU
Please think of that girl
From vast snowy Canada
Where all life grows cold.
MR. HANKY
What do you mean, Ms. Haiku?
MS. HAIKU
All Canadians
Are simple folk quite remote.
The cold slows their minds.
MS. HALIBUT
That’s right. Canada’s a land of hockey players, loggers, and seal hunters. And now one of them has come to our American school and brought all that brutishness with her.
MR. HANKY
But how does that explain your inapproriate words?
MS. HAIKU
The northern girl
Has infected Jusforda
With fits of rudeness.
MR. HANKY
Infected her? Really, Ms. Haiku, I don’t think Canadians can infect Americans with rudeness. In fact, Canadians seem to think it’s the other way around.
MS. HAIKU
You’ll see, my dear sir.
Time will reveal the dark truth
As it always does.
MS. HALIBUT
Meanwhile, let’s go to the cafeteria and join the students. I need to beat a little sinner.
MR. HANKY
“Beat a little sinner”? Don’t you mean “eat a little dinner”, Ms. Halibut?
MS. HALIBUT
Did I say “beat a sinner”? Oh my goodness, my infection is getting worse! If only there was a vaccine against Canadians.
(MS. HALIBUT exits in a state of despair with MS. HAIKU attempting to comfort her.)
(Recommended melody for “Jusforda Halibut”:)
(MR. HANKY sings:)
Jusforda Halibut
I’m here to help you find
A cure for your potty mouth
A cure for your mind
Jusforda Halibut
I wish that you knew
The truth about my feelings
The fact that I love you.
Jusforda Halibut
I wish you weren’t insane
I know I can’t marry you
Until you fix your brain.
Until you fix your…
Until you fix your…
Until you fix your brain.
MR. HANKY
I think I better go have a word with Jenny Canuck and clear this up immediately.
(He exits.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 3:
(FELIX DORCAS, SMOKEY VELCRO, and B.O. RANKIN enter.)
FELIX DORCAS
That Canadian girl is rather attractive, and kind of lonely.
SMOKEY VELCRO
Maybe one of us will achieve some sort of intimacy with her.
B.O. RANKIN
Perhaps. After all, Canadians are accustomed to seeking intimacy because there’s little else to do during those long, cold winters.
FELIX DORCAS
I thought they spent their winters playing ice hockey on frozen ponds.
SMOKEY VELCRO
Yeah, that’s their favourite sport and the only thing they really care about.
B.O. RANKIN
Ice hockey is a primitive fertility ritual in which men beat each other up in their efforts to be the one who shoots something into a net that represents a womb.
SMOKEY VELCRO
Then basketball and football must be fertility rituals, too, not to mention golf.
FELIX DORCAS
Especially golf.
B.O. RANKIN
That’s right, Felix. Playing eighteen holes symbolizes the evolutionary urge to create as many offspring as possible. But the national sport of America is baseball, a nice, clean, non-sexual game.
(Reocmmended melody for “Hockey Is a Dangerous Game”:)
(B.O sings:)
From the day it was invented
Baseball’s been a game
That’s perfectly non-sexual
And clean in every way.
(FELIX and SMOKEY sing:)
That’s perfectly non-sexual
And clean in every way.
(B.O. sings:)
But hockey is a dirty game
That’s primitive and rough,
A vulgar sport Canadians
Play with sweaty lust.
(FELIX and SMOKEY sing:)
A vulgar sport Canadians
Play with sweaty lust.
(ALL sing:)
The snowy land of Canada’s
A dark and frozen waste
Of crude and dull depravity
And rude and vulgar tastes.
(FELIX and SMOKEY sing.)
A land of dull depravity
And vulgar, common tastes.
(B.O. sings.)
The baby boys of Canada
Are sent out in the snow.
They wander through the forests
Where the arctic blizzards blow.
They roam the frozen landscape
In search of hockey sticks;
Then in a trice they’re men on ice
Doing dirty tricks.
(FELIX and SMOKEY sing:)
Then in a trice they’re men on ice
Violent and sick.
(ALL sing.)
Hockey is a dirty game
That’s primitive and rough,
A vulgar sport Canadians
Play with sweaty lust.
A vulgar sport Canadians
Play with sweat and lust.
Vulgar,
Vulgar,
Lust.
FELIX DORCAS
Are you suggesting the Canadian love of ice hockey is an evolved trait?
B.O. RANKIN
Yes, and if they’re genetically obsessed with hockey, which is a fertility ritual, they must be obsessed with procreation.
SMOKEY VELCRO
Does that mean I have an evolutionary opportunity with the Canadian girl?
B.O. RANKIN
Perhaps. But, like those brawny Canadian hockey players, there’ll be lots of other boys trying to “get the puck in the net”, so to speak.
FELIX DORCAS
It’s every evolved ape for himself.
(smells his own breath)
I’m going to the vending machine for tic-tacs.
SMOKEY VELCRO
(smelling his own armpit)
I’m going down to the change rooms for a shower.
B.O. RANKIN
I’m going to the library to conduct research on effective courting techniques. From now on, it’s a brutal competition for dominance. May the one most favoured by natural selection win.
(They look at each other, push at each other for a while, then run off in different directions.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 4:
(VARNELLA, JEFFRINE, and AGGIE enter as the boys exit.)
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
Now what do you suppose those three are up to?
VARNELLA SHUNT
Who cares?
AGGIE THROTTLE
They’ve got crushes on that new girl from Canada.
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
The Canadian girl? Why would they be all hot and bothered about her?
AGGIE THROTTLE
Because they think she’s advertising availaibility.
VARNELLA SHUNT
Why would they think that, Aggie Throttle?
AGGIE THROTTLE
Didn’t you see the way she pretended to be all scared and helpless? Guys can’t resist girls who are all, like, “Ohhh, I just don’t know how I’ll ever find my way to class!”
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
Yeah. Brock Jocker nearly fell on his face trying to help her.
AGGIE THROTTLE
But that Canadian girl, she’s not a Canadian.
VARNELLA SHUNT
She’s isn’t?
AGGIE THROTTLE
She’s not even a girl.
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
Not even a girl?
AGGIE THROTTLE
Nope. She’s something much better than that.
VARNELLA SHUNT
What? What?
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
Tell us! Tell us!
AGGIE THROTTLE
She’s a TV guy.
VARNELLA SHUNT
A TV guy?
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
A celebrity?
AGGIE THROTTLE
Yep. A celebrity from TV, a media god disguised as a scared little Canadian girl.
VARNELLA SHUNT
Who would disguise a media god as a Canadian girl and send him here?
AGGIE THROTTLE
Reality T.V. Whoever can get the Canadian girl to reveal she’s really a gorgeous rich bachelor will get to go on a date with him!
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
A date with a gorgeous TV bachelor! Ohmygod, ohmygod! Let it be me! Please, please let it be me!
VARNELLA SHUNT
Wait a minute. How do you know all this, Aggie Throttle?
AGGIE THROTTLE
When you watch as much TV as I do, your intuition does the rest.
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
It makes so much sense!
VARNELLA SHUNT
I don’t know…
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
Oh, Varnella, let’s not question the logic of it. This will ease our depression and give us something to live for!
AGGIE THROTTLE
Maybe one of us will get her to reveal she’s a guy!
VARNELLA SHUNT
No matter what happens, it will be so worth it. Imagine the reaction of the guys when they find out the shy Canadian girl is actually an extroverted American billionaire!
(Recommended melody for “Girl Guy”:)
(They all sing:)
That cute Canadian girl is a cute American guy;
It doesn’t matter how and it doesn’t matter why.
This lovely little fantasy, as anyone can see,
Is the perfect substitution for our dull reality.
Our televisions taught us so very long ago
That truth doesn’t matter; life’s just a TV show.
And so we’ll go to Jenny,
And show that she’s a man,
And prove to all America we’re loyal TV fans!
And prove to all America we’re loyal TV fans!
We’re fans!
(They exit in a state of high excitement.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 5:
(TABBY, CHEETAH, CLAUDIA and HISSY enter.)
CHEETAH TRAMPOLINI
Pretty soon, that Canadian cat’s gonna got her fangs into one of the males around here.
TABBY FANG
She’s on the prowl, and they don’t even know it.
CHEETAH TRAMPOLINI
She’s one cunning little kitty.
TABBY FANG
Yeah, pretending to be all helpless and alone in front of the males.
HISSY FITT
Oldest trick in the book.
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI
We can use her.
CHEETAH TRAMPOLINI
For what, a scratching post?
TABBY FANG
I wanna scratch her real bad, Claudia.
HISSY FITT
I wanna sink my sharp little teeth into her scrawny neck.
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI
Not necessary. We’ve dumped Carlo Schnauzer and his mongrels, and we’re looking for new males to hang with, right?
CHEETAH TRAMPOLINI
Yeah. So?
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI
Brock, Jock, and Beejay are real red-blooded all-Amercan males, right?
TABBY FANG
Yeah, they’re agile and cute in a sweaty sort of way.
HISSY FITT
And their bark’s worse than their bite.
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI
And that Canadian snow cat’s got their attention, right?
CHEETAH TRAMPOLINI
Yeah. So?
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI
So I say we make her into our “kitty-companion” so we can get in good with Brock, Jock, and Beejay.
HISSY FITT
But there’s four of us Kool Kats, and only three males.
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI
We’ll share, ‘cause the Kool Kats pack shares everything. But once we’ve gotten what we want from that Canadian cat, we chase her out of the pack.
TABBY FANG
But how will we make that little arctic fox into our “feline friend” so we can get our paws on Brocky and his puppy pals?
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI
We’ll show her some swats and bites, teach her how to be a tough little kitty.
CHEETAH TRAMPOLINI
But what about those stuck-up fashion-freak flamingos who go out with Brock, Jock, and Beejay?
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI
Once we’ve got Brock, Jock and Beejay on our side, we’ll bite and claw the feathers off those mindless birds.
HISSY FITT
And put that Canadian cougar in a kitty litter box and ship her back to Canada.
TABBY FANG
Let’s do it!
(Recommended melody for “Kool Kats”:)
(The KOOL KATS sing:)
Kool Kats!
We scratch and we bite!
Kool Kats!
The queens of the night!
Kool Kats!
We’ll scratch the fur off of you!
Kool Kats!
Got fur on our legs!
Kool Kats!
We butt with our heads!
Kool Kats!
We’ll claw the crap out of you!
Kool Kats know what to do
And we’re gonna do it to you.
Kool Kats love a good fight
And we’re gonna get into a fight tonight.
Kool Kats!
We scratch and we bite!
Kool Kats!
Queens of the night!
Kool Kats!
We’ll scratch the fur off of you!
We’ll scratch the fur off of you!
We’ll scratch the fur off of you!
TABBY FANG
You should be the first feline president of these here United States, Claudia.
CHEETAH TRAMPOLINI
Yeah. You’re a clever kitty, Claudia.
HISSY FITT
Let’s go find that little northern lynx right now.
(They exit with cat-like alacrity.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 6:
(BROCK, JOCK, and BEEJAY enter.)
JOCK BROCKER
Did Foxy break it off with you, Brock?
BROCK JOCKER
Why would she do that, Jock?
BEEJAY JAYBEE
Because you made a move on that Canadian girl.
BROCK JOCKER
I got everything under control.
JOCK BROCKER
Oh yeah? Then how come you look so tired?
BEEJAY JAYBEE
You got bags under your eyes. You’re starting to look like a middle-aged businessman.
BROCK JOCKER
All right, I admit it. I’ve got girl trouble.
JOCK BROCKER
Don’t we all.
BEEJAY JAYBEE
They don’t really need us, and we’re moping piles of uselessness without ‘em.
BROCK JOCKER
I…I love Foxy, or I think I do, but I’ve got these powerful urges.
BEEJAY JAYBEE
Tell me about it.
JOCK BROCKER
But you’ve got your jacuzzi and your black light.
BEEJAY JAYBEE
And your sub-woofer and soulful love ballads.
JOCK BROCKER
And you’re going to be King of Bush High because Queen Foxy wants it that way.
BROCK JOCKER
You guys are my best friends. Can you keep a secret?
BEEJAY JAYBEE
Go for it, Brockerooni. Let it all hang out.
(Recommended melody for “Virgin”:)
BROCK JOCKER
(He sings:)
I got something to tell you;
It’s the hardest thing I ever had to say.
(JOCK & BEEJAY talk to Brock, encouraging him:)
C’mon and tell it brother,;
Don’t be afraid.
(BROCK sings:)
I got something to tell you;
It’s the hardest thing I ever had to say.
(JOCK & BEEJAY offer more encouragement:)
Let it out now, brother;
Don’t fight it back.
(BROCK sings:)
I ain’t never had no woman
In all my long, lonely days.
(JOCK & BEEJAY state the obvious conlusion:)
Now that’s gotta hurt.
(JOCK & BEJAY sing:)
He’s a virgin!
(BROCK sings:)
A virgin since the day I was born!
(JOCK and BEJAY sing:)
He’s a virgin.
(BROCK sings:)
A virgin since the day I was born!
(JOCK & BEEJAY sing:)
He ain’t had the love of a woman!
(BROCK sings:)
My heart’s busted, bleeding, and torn.
(JOCK & BEEJAY sing:)
He’s a virgin!
(BROCK sings:)
A virgin since the day I was born!
(JOCK & BEEJAY sing:)
He’s a virgin!
(BROCK sings:)
A virgin since the day I was born!
(JOCK & BEEJAY sing:)
He ain’t never had no woman!
(BROCK sings:)
My heart’s busted, bleeding, and torn.
JOCK BROCKER
But what about Foxy? Doesn’t she…
BROCK JOCKER
For some reason we can’t get past first base. The feeling’s not there.
BEEJAY JAYBEE
That’s the trouble with baseball. It’s so non-sexual.
JOCK BROCKER
Don’t make jokes, Beejay. Can’t you see how bad he’s hurting?
BROCK JOCKER
And that Canadian girl, she’s waiting for me. I just know it, and I’m tempted.
BEEJAY JAYBEE
Why, that little Canadian temptress.
JOCK BROCKER
She knows how to play the game, and I’m not talking about baseball.
BROCK JOCKER
But if I go to her like she wants, I’ll feel so guilty for hurting Foxy.
BEEJAY JAYBEE
Maybe Foxy deserves to get hurt.
BROCK JOCKER
(seizing BEEJAY)
Take that back, Beejay Jaybee!
JOCK BROCKER
(restraining BROCK)
Hey, take it easy, big boy!
BEEJAY JAYBEE
(as BROCK releases him)
Sorry, Brock. I take it back. It’s just that Foxy comes across as…as…
(BEEJAY is unable to say it.)
JOCK BROCKER
That’s okay, Beejay. I’ll say it for you. Brock, my friend, Foxy comes across as a heartless, manipulating little she-devil from hell.
(Instead of the expected violent outburst, BROCK seems to be caught in a spell.)
BROCK JOCKER
(with building emotion)
That’s just a front she puts on. Inside, she’s as delicate as…as…as a surgeon’s fingers making the first deep, painful cut into the helpless patient’s precious, precious heart!
(BROCK breaks down as BEEJAY and JOCK look at each other in puzzlement.)
JOCK BROCKER
You got to take it easy, Brock. You’re still young. You got lots of time for love.
BEEJAY JAYBEE
Yeah, take it easy, Big Fella. Don’t go all Romeo on us.
BROCK JOCKER
No. I’ve got to find love, real love, any way I can, right now!
(BROCK storms off.)
BEEJAY JAYBEE
I don’t like the sound of that.
JOCK BROCKER
Who’s he talking about, the Canadian girl or Foxy?
BEEJAY JAYBEE
What difference does it make? We’ve got to stop him before it’s too late!
(They exit in a panic.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 7:
(The four OVER-ACHIEVERS enter.)
VAL DICTORIAN
That Canadian girl displayed great rhetorical skill at the assembly this morning.
DELLA REPELLA
She put on a big show, that’s for sure. The pathos! The breathy emoting! Premium brain candy for her doting audience!
SHEILA WINNIT
If she can make speeches like that, she can probably do other amazing things as well.
BEETA MALL
And if she does other amazing things, she’ll win all the scholarships, bursaries, and awards.
VAL DICTORIAN
And we won’t get anything but honorable mention, the greatest dishonour of all for a high achiever!
DELLA REPELLA
We’ve got to risk everything and do something truly radical for the first time in our lives.
SHEILA WINNIT
Darned rights! We worked hard for our academic perks, and no one’s going to take them away from us!
BEETA MALL
We’re superb high achievers, but she’s an even more superb high achiever, so we’ve got to get rid of her!
VAL DICTORIAN
But we’ve never broken the rules and I don’t want to start now. How can we get rid of her without getting in trouble?
DELLA REPELLA
We’ll denounce her as a foreign terrorist. Here in America, that’s all you have to do to get someone stripped of their rights.
SHEILA WINNIT
Yes, a terrorist! Everyone knows Canadians are ultra-left-wing commie pinko liberal atheists who secretly hate Americans!
BEETA MALL
We’ll turn her over to the Department of Homeland Security, and they’ll take her away to Guantanamo Bay.
VAL DICTORIAN
And we’ll be heroes!
DELLA REPELLA
We’ll be defending America!
SHEILA WINNIT
What could be more perfect and patriotic than that!
BEETA MALL
Nothing’s more patriotic than helping out Uncle Sam!
(Recommended melody for “Glory”:)
(They sing to the tune of “Battle Hymn of the Republic”:)
If we want to save ourselves.
We’ve got to save the U.S.A!
We’ve got to catch that little terrorist
And get her put away!
If we want to get ahead,
We’ve got to make her go to jail!
Let’s turn her in right now!
Glory, glory!
She annoys us!
Glory, glory!
She’ll destroy us!
Glory, glory!
She annoys us,
But she won’t destroy no more!
We’ll tell a little story
To the right authorities.
They’ll grab that little terrorist
And bring her to her knees.
Then we’ll be at the top,
And that’s just where we want to be
Let’s turn her in right now!
Glory, glory!
She annoys us!
Glory, glory!
She’ll destroy us!
Glory, glory!
She annoys us,
But she won’t destroy no more!
(They exit with newfound purpose.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 8:
(FOXY, TIFFANY, and JUANA enter.)
FOXY McQUEEN
Brock’s taking me to Hecate’s Cauldron tonight.
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
Hecate’s Cauldron! That’s the best restaurant in the Valley.
JUANA BEE
You’re so lucky, Foxy. Beejay never takes me anywhere except to his grandmother’s for dinner on Sundays, and I have to do the cooking.
FOXY McQUEEN
Oh, poor little Juana Bee. When will you learn that you’re not supposed to let the boys use you. You’re supposed to use them.
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
Foxy taught me how to use Jock, Juana. Now he does everything I want, and he thinks I’m doing it for him.
JUANA BEE
I just know that someday, if I try real hard to learn from you, Foxy, I’ll be able to control Beejay just like you control Brock.
(The word “control” pushes a button in FOXY.)
FOXY McQUEEN
Control is everything, Juana Bee!
(raising her voice)
Everything!
(raising her voice even more)
I mean it!
JUANA BEE
Gee!
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
Foxy, Foxy, take it easy…
FOXY McQUEEN
(getting a grip on herself)
I’m fine. I’m always fine. Just give me a moment here.
(FOXY stands off to one side.)
JUANA BEE
What’s wrong with Foxy, Tiffany?
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
Juana, Foxy has…has…“issues”.
JUANA BEE
“Issues”?
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
Juana, if you want to be an irresistable clothes horse that drives men wild with desire, you’ve got to pay a price, and that price is…is…“issues”.
JUANA BEE
I’d pay any price to be like Foxy. How do I get “issues”?
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
Oh, Juana, you’re in such a hurry. Don’t worry, the “issues” will come. Just give them time. Take me, for example. I’ve been learning from Foxy for a year, and now I have four or five issues.
JUANA BEE
You’re so lucky to have issues, Tiffany.
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
I know, because it means I’m becoming more and more admired and desirable. One day, my “issues” might rival those of every tragic celebrity that’s ever been born. Then, look out world!
JUANA BEE
That’s so inspiring!
(FOXY rejoins them)
Foxy, would you share the secret of your biggest issue with me?
FOXY McQUEEN
I don’t like to talk about it.
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
Juana!
JUANA BEE
Oh, pleeaaase!
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
No, Juana!
FOXY McQUEEN
All right kid, you asked for it, and I’m gonna give it to you straight…
(Recommended melody for “Bulimia”:)
(FOXY sings:)
Bulimia…please leave me alone.
Bulimia…I’m sick to the bone.
B is for “breakfast, thrown up in the toilet”…oh yeah.
U is for “you don’t know how it feels”…oh yeah.
L means “I lost my lunch today”…
I means “I feel so ill”, okay?
My mother always said I was fat
And I can’t stop believing her.
M’s for the money I pay
For all those diet pills I take.
I is for improvements my analyst
Tells me she wants me to make.
(TIFFANY and JUANA join in, spelling out the word:)
B-U-L-I-M-I-A
B-U-L-I-M-I-A
(FOXY sings.)
My mother always said I was fat
And I can’t stop believing her
(TIFFANY and JUANA join in.)
Bulimia!
(FOXY sings.)
Believing her,
(TIFFANY and JUANA join in.)
Bulimia…oh yeah.
Believing her…
Bulimia.
JUANA BEE
Gee, Foxy, that sure is a big issue!
FOXY McQUEEN
Yeah? Well you can have it, Juana, courtesy of a cruel patriarchal culture that won’t let girls grow up with high self-esteem. Now where was I?
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
You said Brock was taking you to Hecate’s Cauldron.
FOXY McQUEEN
That’s right. He’s going to have to steal his dad’s credit card to pay for it, but I’m worth it.
JUANA BEE
Are you jealous of that Canadian girl, Foxy?
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
Juana! What a thing to say! Foxy has perfect control of her emotions!
FOXY McQUEEN
(with rising emotion)
No, no. It’s all right, Tiffany. Juana just doesn’t know any better. No, Juana, I’m not jealous of that nasty little Canadian tramp who deserves to have her Canadian face ripped off and her stupid little Canadian brain put in a blender and fed to my chihuahua!
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
Foxy doesn’t have to worry about that Canadian girl, Juana. Brock worships the dirt Foxy walks on.
JUANA BEE
You’re so lucky to have a boy who worships your dirt, Foxy.
FOXY McQUEEN
You’ve got to wash all the dirt off yourself, Juana, then walk on it, if you want Beejay to worship your dirt instead of walking all over you!
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
That’s deep! Foxy just gave you an “issue”, Juana. Aren’t you going to thank her?
JUANA BEE
Thanks for giving me an issue, Foxy, even if I don’t know what it is.
FOXY McQUEEN
You owe me, kid.
(They exit.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Three, Scene 1:
(JENNY CANUCK enters.)
JENNY CANUCK
Maple Leaf! Maple Leaf, where are you?
(MAPLE LEAF flutters in)
There you are. Oh, Maple Leaf, Bush High School isn’t a very nice place. But there’s a handsome American boy called Brock Jocker here, and I was so cold in Canada, so I find myself irresistably drawn to him because he’s really warm! But he’s already got a girlfriend. What should I do?
(MAPLE LEAF shrugs her shoulders and exits as the three SECURITY OFFICERS enter.)
OFFICER PUCKER
Hey kid, we’re here to give you a warning.
OFFICER PAYNE
Yeah. A warning.
OFFICER PLONK
Uh huh. A big fat warning, you little Canadian watchamacallit!
JENNY CANUCK
But I haven’t done anything wrong!
OFFICER PUCKER
Don’t play innocent with me, kid. I’ve been around the block enough times to know trouble when I see it.
OFFICER PAYNE
And I’ve been around the block enough times to know a liar when I see one.
OFFICER PLONK
And I’ve been almost halfway round the block. When I get there, I’ll tell you what I know.
JENNY CANUCK
What have I done?
OFFICER PUCKER
You brought your Canadian heat down here.
JENNY CANUCK
My heat?
OFFICER PAYNE
Not just any old heat. Canadian heat.
OFFICER PLONK
And don’t tell me that’s the same sort of heat that gives you a California sun tan.
JENNY CANUCK
What?
OFFICER PUCKER
We’re watching you, honey, watching you real close.
OFFICER PAYNE
So don’t give us that “sweet little slice of maple-cured Canadian bacon bubbling in a frypan” act.
JENNY CANUCK
Excuse me?
OFFICER PUCKER
Don’t try to be comfort food for our American boys, or me and Officers Pucker and Payne will have to “take you for a ride”.
JENNY CANUCK
I don’t want to be a slice of bubbling bacon for anyone.
OFFICER PUCKER
Oh yeah? What about that Jocker boy?
OFFICER PAYNE
He’s got a serious hunger for you.
JENNY CANUCK
He does?
OFFICER PLONK
He’s taken, honey. Don’t go getting’ him all hot and bothered now.
JENNY CANUCK
I don’t even know him!
OFFICER PUCKER
But you want to know him.
JENNY CANUCK
I…I…
OFFICER PAYNE
You stay away from him, you hear?
OFFICER PLONK
If you make another one of your “moves” on that boy, you’re gonna stir up a whole dang hornet’s nest of trouble.
OFFICER PUCKER
And me and Officers Payne and Plonk don’t want trouble. You got that?
OFFICER PAYNE
You got it, kid?
OFFICER PLONK
You got it?
JENNY CANUCK
I got it.
OFFICERS PUCKER, PAY and PLONK
Don’t forget it!
(The OFFICERS sing a reprise of “An American Cop”:)
We walk the halls of this old high school
Lookin’ for kids who are breaking rules
We don’t take guff and we don’t take sass
If you break the rules, we’ll bust your ass!
(The OFFICERS exit.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Three, Scene 2:
(MAPLE LEAF enters, leading RONNY.)
RONNY JEB
What’s wrong, Jenny?
JENNY CANUCK
Those security officers threatened me.
RONNY JEB
Don’t let ‘em get to you. They’re just Police Academy failures who want to pretend they’re real cops.
JENNY CANUCK
What should I do, Ronny?
RONNY JEB
Bribe them. That’s what we Americans do all the time with our authority figures.
JENNY CANUCK
But what will I bribe them with?
RONNY JEB
Donuts.
JENNY CANUCK
Thanks, Johnny. I’ve got an old Tim Horton’s donut in my bag. I’ll use it if I have to.
(RONNY and MAPLE LEAF exit as MR. HANKY, MS. HALIBUT, and MS. HAIKU enter.)
MR. HANKY
Jenny Canuck! I’m glad we’ve found you.
MS. HAIKU
Ms. Halibut’s words
Will soon flow toward your ears.
She’ll speak. You’ll listen.
JENNY CANUCK
Yes, Ms. Halibut?
MS. HALIBUT
Jenny, ever since you came to Bush High, I’ve been using rude words to describe students.
MR. HANKY
Words that make Ms. Halibut blush like a boiled lobster, spoiling her otherwise delicate and very attractive complexion.
JENNY CANUCK
But what’s that got to do with me?
MS. HALIBUT
Well, you’re a dumb girl from Canada.
MR. HANKY
“Dumb girl”? Don’t you mean “young girl”, Ms. Halibut?
MS. HALIBUT
Did I say…
(spelling it out)
“D-U-M-B”? Well, that just proves that Jenny gets me all mixed up!
JENNY CANUCK
I didn’t do anything!
MR. HANKY
Ms. Halibut thinks you’re infecting her with Canadian crudeness, Jenny.
JENNY CANUCK
Canadian crudeness?
MS. HALIBUT
You Canadians are a rough bunch who have bad manure.
MR. HANKY
“Bad manure”? Don’t you mean “bad manners”, Ms. Halibut?
MS. HALIBUT
Did I say…
(she spells it out)
“M-A-N-U-R-E”? It’s getting worse by the second.
JENNY CANUCK
We Canadians aren’t rough! We’re just cold and kind of boring! Is that so hard to believe?
MS. HALIBUT
Oh, how I wish I could bleed you!
MR. HANKY
Don’t you mean to say “believe”, not “bleed,” Ms. Halibut?
MS. HALIBUT
This is so humiliating!
JENNY CANUCK
Have you heard of Coprolalia, Ms. Halibut?
MR. HANKY
Jenny, if you are the cause of Ms. Halibut’s problem, you’ll be removed from Bush High School immediately.
MS. HAIKU
A leaf that throws shade
On fragile Ms. Halibut
Must fall in autumn.
JENNY CANUCK
But I’m not a leaf! Your poetic form has silly content, Ms. Haiku!
MS. HALIBUT
Please stop drooling with us, Jenny!
MR. HANKY
“Drooling”? Don’t you mean “fooling”, Ms. Halibut?
MS. HALIBUT
Oh, Mr. Hanky, I fear that Jenny Canuck has poisoned me forever! Oh, Ms. Haiku, whatever will I do?
(MS. HALIBUT sings a short reprise of “Words”:)
When oh when the sun rose this morning,
I strolled to school with such joy in my heart.
But suddenly words come out wrong without warning;
Suddenly everything’s coming apart!
MR. HANKY
(taking her in his arms)
There, there, Jusforda. I will love you always, even though we can never marry due to your condition.
MS. HALIBUT
You love me but my infected words have made it so you can’t marry me! Ohhhhhhhhhh!
(MS. HALIBUT exits in a whirl of unresolved emotions.)
MS. HAIKU
(to MR. HANKY)
Her tears are for you!
You opened your heart to her,
Then closed it again!
(MS. HAIKU exits to assist MS. HALIBUT.)
MR. HANKY
(calling after MS. HALIBUT.)
Jusforda! Jusforda Halibut!
(MR. HANKY sings:)
Jusforda Halibut
I wish you weren’t insane
I know I can’t marry you
Until you fix your brain.
Until you fix your…
Until you fix your…
Until you fix your brain.
MR. HANKY
Ms. Canuck, you will face serious moral repercussions for polluting Ms. Halibut’s mind and ruining my plans for marital bliss!
(MR. HANKY exits and MAPLE LEAF enters, leading RONNY to JENNY.)
RONNY JEB
What’s wrong, Jenny?
JENNY CANUCK
Ms. Halibut thinks I’m making her say rude words.
RONNY JEB
It’s got nothing to do with you.
JENNY CANUCK
Why does she do it?
RONNY JEB
She’s been listening to too much right wing talk radio and watching too many trash TV shows.
JENNY CANUCK
What should I do, Ronny?
RONNY JEB
Give her a book to read. Most Americans don’t read books. We’ve been on an unhealthy diet of TV and digital media for over half a century.
JENNY CANUCK
Sure. But what book?
RONNY JEB
Any book that’s never been anything but a bunch of printed pages.
JENNY CANUCK
Thank you, Ronny.
(RONNY exits with MAPLE LEAF.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Three, Scene 3:
(FELIX enters, smelling his own breath.)
FELIX DORCAS
Hey there, Canadian babe.
JENNY CANUCK
(looking around)
What babe? I don’t see a baby.
FELIX DORCAS
Now I don’t see the baby either. I guess that puts us on the same page.
(FELIX stands there expectantly.)
JENNY CANUCK
Is there something you want?
FELIX DORCAS
I bet you watch a lot of ice hockey.
JENNY CANUCK
Why would I do that?
(SMOKEY VELCRO enters, sniffing his armpits.)
FELIX DORCAS
I was here first, Smokey.
SMOKEY VELCRO
So you’ve had your moment, Felix, and its over.
(They glare at each other a bit, then SMOKEY turns to JENNY.)
SMOKEY VELCRO
Are you constantly strategizing on how to achieve intimacy? Because if you are, that makes two of us.
JENNY CANUCK
No I’m not, so that makes just one of you, or possibly two if your buddy’s like you.
(B.O. RANKIN enters, reading a book titled “How to Succeed With Women”.)
SMOKEY VELCRO
Not now, B.O.!
FELIX DORCAS
Go away and read some Nietzsche or something.
(SMOKEY pushes at B.O. So does FELIX. B.O. stamps his foot hard, and SMOKEY and FELIX scuttle to opposite sides of the stage. B.O. reads from his book.)
B.O. RANKIN
(quoting from the book)
“Excuse me. Something tells me you’re sweet. Can I have a sample?”
JENNY CANUCK
Seeing as I’m not a commercially available food item, the answer is no.
B.O. RANKIN
(still quoting from book)
Um…“You must be a light bulb and I must be a switch, ‘cause every time I see you, I want to turn you on!”
JENNY CANUCK
Why are you quoting silly pickup lines as if they’re magic incantations?
B.O. RANKIN
(holding up his book)
The author says women find these pickup lines charming and amusing.
FELIX DORCAS
Figure it out, B.O. The Canadian girl prefers me! I have the freshest breath!
(He advances on B.O., breathing out hard.)
SMOKEY VELCRO
No, me…I have the best-smelling armpits.
(SMOKEY advances on B.O., holding up his arms reveal the smell of his armpits. B.O. holds up his book as if it’s a protective totem. SMOKEY and FELIX stop their advance.)
B.O. RANKIN
I’ve got the professionally-researched pick-up lines, and what do you have? Only your crude, Neanderthal, pheremonal arousal techniques!
FELIX DORCAS
That’s it, B.O. Rankin! And I’ve had it with you too, Smokey Velcro!
SMOKEY VELCRO
You two blundering fools have ruined everything!
(B.O., SMOKEY and FELIX all bunch together, pushing at each other, establishing an equality of force that produces no result other than to make them grunt with effort. Suddenly, with groans of frustration, they break off their futile struggle.)
(B.O., SMOKEY, and FELIX sing a short reprise of “You Spell it L-O-V-E”:)
Why can’t we do it right and find a way to fight
The endless sexual fantasies we seek?
Why can’t we be three boys who find romantic joy
Instead of being teenage freaks?
You spell it L-O-V-E,
It comes out S-E-X!
You spell it L-O-V-E,
It comes out S-E-X!
(B.O., FELIX, and SMOKEY approach other as if to fight again, with building rage and frustration, but suddenly just give up, exiting in different directions, waving each other away. MAPLE LEAF leads RONNY JEB in again.)
RONNY JEB
What’s wrong, Jenny?
JENNY CANUCK
Those three nerd boys were doing peculiar things in an effort to impress me.
RONNY JEB
It’s not their fault. They’re just lonely, confused American boys, and, like most lonely American boys, they get all their information about women from the internet, so they’re hopelessly ignorant.
JENNY CANUCK
What would you advise me to do, Ronny?
RONNY JEB
They’ve got amazing computer skills ‘cause that’s just about all they ever do. Get them each to make great websites featuring themselves. Then lonely nerd girls will find them and perhaps fall in love with them.
JENNY CANUCK
I’ll try.
RONNY JEB
Great.
(RONNY exits with MAPLE LEAF.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Three, Scene 4:
(JEFFRINE, VARNELLA, and AGGIE enter flirtatiously, thinking JENNY is a TV guy in disguise.)
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
Hi, Jenny. Or should I say “Johnny”.
VARNELLA SHUNT
I wonder what you look like under all that makeup?
AGGIE THROTTLE
You have such strong, square shoulders.
JENNY CANUCK
Do you want something?
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
(as if to a hidden camera)
I love reality TV!
VARNELLA SHUNT
(doing the same, looking for a camera)
I love it even more!
AGGIE THROTTLE
(as if to a hidden camera)
I’d just like to say that I never watch anything but reality TV and all the gorgeous guys like Jenny!
JENNY CANUCK
I’m not a guy!
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
Sure, Jenny, you’re not a guy.
(sidling over to JENNY and whispering loudly.)
We know your secret!
JENNY CANUCK
I don’t have a secret, at least not one I need to keep from you.
VARNELLA SHUNT
(whispering loudly)
Sure you do! But don’t worry, we won’t tell.
AGGIE THROTTLE
(whispering loudly)
Just pick one of us to take on a date. You won’t be sorry!
JENNY CANUCK
I’m sorry, but this is extremely weird and I’m starting to get a little bit concerned for you.
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
Great act, “Jenny”. No one would ever guess what you’ve got hidden under your clothes!
JENNY CANUCK
I’m not hiding anything, except maybe my bellybutton. It’s an “outie”. I’m quite proud of it.
VARNELLA SHUNT
Sure, your “belly button”. That’s a good word for it.
AGGIE THROTTLE
C’mon, Jenny, it’s all over. Pick one of us and end the suspense.
JENNY CANUCK
You guys are absurd.
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
We’re not the guys, “Jenny”. You’re “the guy”.
VARNELLA SHUNT
Do we have to pull your clothes off to show the whole world the truth?
AGGIE THROTTLE
We know we’re on camera, “Jenny”.
JENNY CANUCK
Camera? Where?
(VARNELLA, JEFFRINE, and AGGIE sing a short reprise of “America Is Just a TV Show”:)
In America, you see,
We live for our TV.
It’s taught us everything we’ll ever know.
TV guides us on our way
From the cradle to the grave.
America is just a TV show.
America is just a TV show!
AGGIE THROTTLE
C’mon girls. I guess the producers of the show aren’t ready for the great unveiling. We’ll have another little visit later, “Jenny”.
(AGGIE, VARNELLA, and JEFFRINE exit as MAPLE LEAF enters with RONNY JEB.)
RONNY JEB
What’s wrong, Jenny?
JENNY CANUCK
Those three nerdy girls think I’m a guy.
RONNY JEB
They’ve spent their whole lives reading teen celebrity magazines and watching TV.
JENNY CANUCK
It’s made them extremely dysfunctional.
RONNY JEB
This is America, remember? Dysfunctional is functional here, and a lot of the time, it actually works.
JENNY CANUCK
What do you recommend I do, Ronny?
RONNY JEB
Help them meet real guys by getting them to check out the websites of the three nerd boys.
JENNY CANUCK
I think I’ve got a way to do that.
RONNY JEB
Wonderful.
(RONNY exits with MAPLE LEAF.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Three, Scene 5:
(TABBY, CHEETAH, CLAUDIA, and HISSY enter.)
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI
There you are!
CHEETAH TRAMPOLINI
We’re here to help, little Canadian kitty-kat.
TABBY FANG
We’re gonna be your best furry friends.
HISSY FITT
Your favourite felines.
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI
I’m Claudia Kapowsky, and this here’s Tabby Fang. That one over there is Cheetah Trampolini and that one’s Hissy Fitt.
JENNY CANUCK
You want to be my feline friends?
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI
Yup.
JENNY CANUCK
You don’t want to bust me for packing Canadian heat, or kick me out for being infectious, or hit on me, or try to prove I’m a guy?
CHEETAH TRAMPOLINI
Naw. We just wanna make you into one tough kitty.
JENNY CANUCK
Why?
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI
Because you’re in America now, little kitty. The home of the brave and the land of the free!
HISSY FITT
Like us Kool Kats…you can’t get any more free than us, and wild!
CHEETAH TRAMPOLINI
So if you wanna be an American, ya gotta figure out how to be a savage beast.
HISSY FITT
You got to learn to claw the crap out of anyone who tries to steal your kibbles!
TABBY FANG
Ya gotta be ready to bite anyone who messes with your feline feelings!
(looking hard at Cheetah)
Anyone makes fun of my feelings gets to feel my fangs!
CHEETAH TRAMPOLINI
(rising to the challenge)
You saying I’m messing with your mood, Tabby Fang?
TABBY FANG
(escalating the conflict)
You saying you’re not, Cheetah Trampolini?
(CHEETAH and TABBY go at each other tooth and claw.)
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKY
(wading in with HISSY FITT and pulling them apart)
How many times do I got to tell you that the pack sticks together?
JENNY CANUCK
I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be a tough kitty if it means I have to beat people up.
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI
You’re joining our pack, and that’s that.
JENNY CANUCK
Why?
CHEETAH TRAMPOLINI
Because these certain males like you.
HISSY FITT
And we like the males.
JENNY CANUCK
What males? Those three nerd boys?
TABBY FANG
Naw, not them mongrels. Those pedigreed pups Brock, Jock, and Beejay.
JENNY CANUCK
Brock likes me?
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI
Little bobcat, he’s been panting and drooling over you ever since he first saw you.
JENNY CANUCK
Gee!
CHEETAH TRAMPOLINI
We need those males to be our panther-pals, see, and you’re gonna help us.
TABBY FANG
The first thing we’re gonna do is show you some cat moves.
HISSY FITT
Watch Tabby and Cheetah and me and Claudia.
(HISSY, CLAUDIA, TABBY, and CHEETAH do some catfighting moves.)
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI
Now let’s see you do that.
(JENNY does some awkward cuffs and scratches.)
TABBY FANG
Good, good. You got the agility of a Siamese on amphetamines!
(The three KOOL KATS sing a short reprise of “Kool Cats”:)
Kool Kats!
We scratch and we bite!
Kool Kats!
Queens of the night!
Kool Kats!
Now you’re a Kool Kitty too!
Now you’re a Kool Kitty too!
Now you’re a Kool Kitty too!
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI
We’ll be back later to show you some more moves.
(The KOOL KATS exit as RONNY REBB enters with MAPLE LEAF. JENNY seems considerably more confident.)
RONNY JEB
What’s right, Jenny?
JENNY CANUCK
Those three Kool Kats are teaching me how to fight.
RONNY JEB
They’re always fighting because America is a violent society.
JENNY CANUCK
That’s why I’ve got to learn to fight too. And now I’ve got a reason, Ronny.
RONNY JEB
What reason is that?
JENNY CANUCK
Brock Jocker likes me. Those Kool Kats told me so.
RONNY JEB
I see.
(Hurt almost beyond repair, RONNY exits. MAPLE LEAF flutters around JENNY, trying to make
her understand that RONNY is hurt.)
JENNY CANUCK
Maple Leaf, whatever is the matter with you? Go away and leave me alone.
(MAPLE LEAF exits sadly.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Three, Scene 6:
(BROCK JOCKER enters.)
JENNY CANUCK
Brock!
BROCK JOCKER
Jenny, Jenny Canuck, I got to talk to you.
JENNY CANUCK
Yes Brock?
BROCK JOCKER
Jenny, I…I have these needs!
JENNY CANUCK
We all do, Brock; we all need love!
BROCK JOCKER
Yes, we need love, but we also need to express that love, like this!
(BROCK tries to put his arm around JENNY, but she slides away from him and sings.)
(Recommended melody for “Hey Brock”:)
(JENNY sings:)
Hey Brocky, what you thinking of?
Hey, Brock, are you thinking of making love?
I’m just don’t know if you know what to do.
La la la laaa
La la la laaa
Hey Brock, I’ve heard you’re pretty smooth;
Hey, Brock, are you gonna make a move?
I’m just not sure if I want moves from you.
La la la laaa
La la la laaa
My mother told me about boys like you;
La la la la laaa
La la la la laaa
She said you might be a little confused.
La la la la
La la laaa
Hey Brocky, what you thinking of?
Hey, Brock, are you thinking of making love?
I just don’t know if we know what to do
La la la la
For me and for you
La la la la
To make our love true,
Make love true.
JENNY CANUCK
Don’t you see, Brock? The time for passion is when we’re both ready for it, together, at the same time!
BROCK JOCKER
But Jenny, that moment might never come, so we got to make that moment ourselves, right now. Who knows, we could get heart attacks and die any second. It would be wrong for us to die as virgins.
JENNY CANUCK
Why would it be wrong?
BROCK JOCKER
Because then we’ll never know the true meaning of love.
JENNY CANUCK
I don’t see what that has to do with being a virgin.
BROCK JOCKER
We can’t discover the true meaning of love until we discover physical love together, Jenny. Don’t you see? It’s all so simple!
(BROCK tries to embrace her, but JENNY uses her fighting moves to take him out. He goes down hard as JOCK and BEEJAY enter.)
JOCK BROCKER
What the heck?
BEEJAY JAYBEE
What’d you do to Brock, Jenny Canuck?
JENNY CANUCK
(adopting a fighting pose)
What did I do? What did I do? What about what he was trying to do?
(BROCK moans and BEEJAY and JOCK back away from JENNY in fear.)
JOCK BROCKER
You beat up our best friend, you Canadian grizzly bear.
BEEJAY JAYBEE
We’re gonna get the security officers.
JOCK BROCKER
You’re about to face American Justice!
BEEJAY JAYBEE
This could mean war between our nations!
(JOCK and BEEJAY exit in a huff as BROCK recovers and gets up.)
BROCK JOCKER
Jenny, Jenny, forgive me. I don’t know what came over me.
JENNY CANUCK
It’s not hard to figure out, Brock.
BROCK JOCKER
It isn’t? Then why do I feel so confused?
JENNY CANUCK
Not my problem.
BROCK JOCKER
(going to her.)
Let me give you a hug to apologize.
JENNY CANUCK
(with firm clarity)
No, Jock, you’re all mixed-up. You need counselling and possibly years of therapy, and maybe even some jail time!
BROCK JOCKER
(more to himself than to JENNY)
How’d I get to be so empty inside? I did everything an American boy’s supposed to do.
(FOXY enters, with TIFFANY and JUANA.)
FOXY McQUEEN
Why, you little Canadian tart!
BROCK JOCKER
Foxy! I…
FOXY McQUEEN
Shut up, Brock.
(to JENNY)
You think you can come down here to America and take away our men? Well, I’m here to tell you it ain’t going to happen!
(Going to JENNY, FOXY raises her arm. As she’s doing this, JENNY reaches into her bag and pulls out her donut. As FOXY tries to slap JENNY, JENNY catches FOXY’s slapping arm with one hand and smushes the donut into FOXY’S face with the other hand. FOXY staggers back, clutching the donut against her face.)
JENNY CANUCK
Have a donut, courtesy of Tim Horton’s!
(JENNY exits.)
FOXY McQUEEN
Aaaahhhh! Donut! Donut on my face!
(FOXY staggers about with the donut plastered to her face, and her hands plastered to the donut, torn between the desire to eat it and the desire to pull it off.)
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
Oh my god! She’s got a donut on her face!
JUANA BEE
Why is that so bad?
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
Don’t you remember? Foxy has a thing about food!
(FOXY is wandering about, moaning strangely.)
BROCK JOCKER
What in the name of all that holy is she doing?
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
She’s trying to reject the donut!
JUANA BEE
Is this real? Is this reality?
BROCK JOCKER
Why does she want to reject the donut?
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
So she can gain control over her intense desire to eat it.
BROCK JOCKER
(huge epiphany)
Now I understand! That’s how she is with me! She rejects me because she has an intense desire to love me! That’s it! I get it! I finally get it!
(BROCK wanders off in his newly enlightened state, reflecting on his newfound knowledge.)
JUANA BEE
(looking around in a daze)
How could reality be so unreal?
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
Snap out of it, Juana. We’ve got to get Foxy to a washroom right away!
(TIFFANY and JUANA lead FOXY offstage as NATTY PUCKER and INERSHA PLONK enter, escorting JENNY CANUCK. The OVER-ACHIEVERS follow behind.)
OFFICER PUCKER
You’re busted, Canadian girl.
OFFICER PAYNE
You’re gonna do time in the big house for donut abuse.
VAL DICTORIAN
We told you she was a terrorist, officers!
DELLA REPELLA
Only a terrorist would smush a Canadian donut into the face of an American citizen!
SHEILA WINNIT
Thank god she smushed some kid, and not our fine president!
BEETA MALL
Take her away, lock her up, and throw away the key!
JENNY CANUCK
It was self-defense!
OFFICER PUCKER
Try telling that to my dead mother!
JENNY CANUCK
Your dead mother?
OFFICER PLONK
My mother smushed donuts into her own face, lots of donuts, and she paid the price.
OFFICER PAYNE
Officer Plonk’s mother was morbidly obese because of donuts like the one you smushed into that girl. Enough said?
OFFICER PUCKER
You’re under arrest for a using America’s obesity problem as a weapon of mass destruction. Let’s go, kid.
VAL, DELLA, SHEILA, and BEETA
Hurray for American justice!
(EVERYONE exits with JENNY as RONNY JEB enters with MAPLE LEAF and sings a short reprise of “Jenny”.)
RONNY JEB
I know I’ll love her forever.
For Jenny I’d willingly die.
I love my beautiful Jenny,
Though she doesn’t know I’m her guy.
Jenny…oh, Jenny
Though you’ll never know…
Jenny…oh, Jenny…
Jenny, I love you so.
(RONNY exits with MAPLE LEAF.)
Canadian Girl by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Three, Scene 7:
(The entire cast assembles in their tableau groups, but BROCK, JOCK, and BEEJAY don’t stand with their girlfriends, and TIFFANY and JUANA support a shaken-looking FOXY. There is a general atmosphere of uncertainty and confused shame. JENNY CANUCK is held under arrest by the three SECURITY OFFICERS. MR. HANKY addresses the school.)
MR. HANKY
I have called this special assembly as a special favour to our new Canadian student, who wishes to make a confession and apology to us all before she is sent to a secret maximum security jail in remote part of the world. There are to be no hi-jinks while she speaks. Do you understand?
(mumbled agreement)
Go ahead, Jenny Canuck. We Americans are waiting for your apology.
(The SECURITY OFFICERS release JENNY.)
JENNY CANUCK
I’d like to start by saying that I probably never should have come to Bush High School. But I did. And some stuff happened. Anyway, I’m going to do what I can to make it better. First, Officers Pucker, Payne, and Plonk, I’ve got something for you.
(The OFFICERS go downstage to her and she hands them a donut each.)
JENNY CANUCK
They’re Canadian donuts, made from Saskatchewan whole wheat flour. You can see they’re not weapons of mass destruction, but just little treats to be eaten in moderation from time to time.
OFFICER PUCKER
Thank you, Canadian girl, for preaching moderation. It’s something we Americans need to learn.
OFFICER PLONK
(looking at her donut)
This one sort of reminds me of my mama.
OFFICER PAYNE
Not sure moderation’s such a good idea. Gonna need a whole lotta carbs after today’s events.
(OFFICER PAYNE takes a bite of her donut, and the OFFICERS go back upstage.)
JENNY CANUCK
And for you, Ms. Halibut, I’ve got a copy of “Anne of Green Gables”, a squeaky clean Canadian novel in which there’s no mention of bodily functions or fascists or sinners who need a beating. Perhaps it’ll help you get over your unconscious use of scattological and insulting terms.
MS. HALIBUT
(going to JENNY to get the book)
Thankyou, Ms. Canuck. Maybe I’ll never blurt out words like “tea” again.
MR. HANKY
“Words like tea”? Don’t you mean “words like pee”, Ms. Halibut?
MS. HALIBUT
Did I say “tea”? Well, I must be getting better already!
(MS. HALIBUT returns upstage.)
JENNY CANUCK
And for Felix, Smokey, and B.O., I’ve got some open source software from a Canadian coder. It’s for making cool websites so you can meet some real girls instead of cyberspace sirens.
(FELIX, SMOKEY, and B.O. go downstage for their software.)
FELIX DORCAS
Cool websites! I’m going to make one that features an animated series in which a small mouse named Canada meets a big cat called America and they move into condo with a brilliant dragon called China.
SMOKEY VELCRO
I’m going to make make a website dedicated to remorse, repentance, and atonement.
B.O. RANKIN
Perhaps I will create a site on which guests can assist in the evolutionary process of transforming tacky pick-up lines into beautiful poems.
(B.O., SMOKEY, and FELIX return upstage.)
JENNY CANUCK
Now, Varnella, Jeffrine, and Aggie, I’m giving you the last of my Canadian loonies, ten each, to spend at an internet café. While you’re enjoying a nice cappucino, or perhaps a lo-fat, hazelnut soy latté, maybe you can check out the websites Felix, Smokey, and B.O. are going to create.
(VARNELLA, JEFFRINE, and AGGIE go downstage to get their gifts.)
VARNELLA SHUNT
Thanks, Canadian girl. You’ve inspired me to search for a real boy instead of a TV guy, and I think I just might have found one.
(VARNELLA goes to FELIX and offers him her hand. FELIX, embarrassed but happy, takes it.)
VARNELLA SHUNT
Do you have a piano keyboard for your computer, Felix?
FELIX DORCAS
You bet. I can play “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” with one finger.
VARNELLA SHUNT
Maybe we can play a duet, and be twin stars!
FELIX DORCAS
You’ve got me twinkling, that’s for sure.
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
I think I’ve found a real boy, too, and I don’t even care if he has an eccentric name like “Smokey Velcro.”
(JEFFRINE goes to SMOKEY VELCRO, and they join hands.)
SMOKEY VELCRO
I can always get my name changed to “Smokey Chimney”!
JEFFRINE GUSHWALLOW
Where there’s smoke there’s fire!
AGGIE THROTTLE
Now I suppose everyone expects me to get together with B.O. Rankin. Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but we already have!
(AGGIE runs to B.O. and they join hands.)
B.O. RANKIN
I shall be helping Agnes with her English literature homework every night.
AGGIE THROTTLE
We’re going to start with Gray’s “Elegy”. Ahem…”Along the cool sequestered vale of life, they kept the quiet tenor of their ways.”
B.O. RANKIN
Goodness me, you remembered it perfectly, my dear Agnes!
(B.O. and AGGIE hug lovingly.)
JENNY CANUCK
Cheetah, Tabby, Hissy, and Claudia, I’ve got three tickets to a pet show for you. I found them in the pocket of my Value Village gym shorts. Maybe you’ll meet some males who are sensitive to your special needs.
(The KOOL KATS go to get their tickets.)
CHEETAH TRAMPOLINI
I hope I meet a hairless male with green eyes.
HISSY FIT
I’m going to hold out for one that hasn’t been neutered.
TABBY FANG
Maybe I’ll meet a male called Tastic and become his mate, and then my name’ll be Tabby Fang-Tastic!
CLAUDIA KAPOWSKI
If I meet a male at the pet show, we’ll go hang out in dark alleys, waiting for the moon to make us crazy.
JENNY CANUCK
For you four Over-Achievers who wanted to frame me as a terrorist, I’ve got something to help you deal with your unhealthy ambitions.
(JENNY takes four toques from her pack, and hands them out to the four HIGH ACHIEVERS, who come downstage to get them.)
JENNY CANUCK
Somehow, wearing a toque makes us humble, as all Canadians know. Put those on when you’re thinking about crushing someone just because they might be smarter and more determined than you.
VAL DICTORIAN
(putting on her toque)
I feel more humble already.
DELLA REPELLA
(putting on her toque)
I feel like saying “eh” at the end of all my sentences, eh?
SHEILA WINNIT
(putting on her toque)
It’s hard to feel cold and competitive when your head’s so warm.
BEETA MALL
(putting on her toque)
Now if only I had a toboggan and a steep hill to race down!
JENNY CANUCK
I’d advise against that.
(The four OVER-ACHIEVERS go back upstage.)
JENNY CANUCK
Foxy, I’ve got a Canadian book for you too. Actually, an Inuit book called “Names of Snow”.
(FOXY goes to JENNY.)
FOXY McQUEEN
I don’t get it.
JENNY CANUCK
The Inuit have many names for snow. Just like there are many kinds of snow, there are many degrees of control. Maybe you’d be happier if you’d let go of your need for total control all the time?
FOXY McQUEEN
It’s got a pretty cover so it doesn’t matter what’s inside it.
JENNY CANUCK
Wrong! It’s pretty on the inside too, just like you are, Foxy. And Tiffany and Juana. There are three boys here who know that in their hearts. Right, Brock, Jock, and Beejay?
BEEJAY JAYBEE
(going to JUANA BEE)
Juana Bee, I wanna be a Beejay who’s your good buddy, always.
JUANA BEE
And I don’t wanna be Juana Bee the Foxy wannabe, Beejay. I wanna be me.
(BEEJAY and JUANA hug and hold hands.)
JOCK BROCKER
(going to TIFFANY FOLLOWS)
Tiffany Follows, If I quit following Brock, will you quit following Foxy?
TIFFANY FOLLOWS
I don’t want to follow Foxy. I want to follow me, and I want you to follow you, and then maybe we can follow ourselves together forever!
(JOCK and TIFFANY hug and hold hands.)
BROCK JOCKER
(going to Foxy)
Foxy, we both need a lot of professional pyschiatric help. Let’s emigrate to Canada where health care is free.
FOXY McQUEEN
Yes! I’ll get cured and become perfectly happy!
BROCK JOCKER
Foxy…
FOXY McQUEEN
Oh, yeah…I’ll get cured and become imperfectly happy!
(BROCK and FOXY hug and hold hands.)
MR. HANKY
Well, I guess that wraps it up. There’s just one more thing. Ms. Halibut…Jusforda…I don’t care whether you say rude words or not. I love you and I hope you’ll one day be willing to marry me.
MS. HALIBUT
Oh, Hector! Suddenly, I’m the happiest former foul-mouthed teacher in America!
(MR. HANKY and MS. HALIBUT embrace. MS. HAIKU goes to them.)
MS. HAIKU
When lovers embrace,
The world is a warmer place.
Even Canada.
MR. HANKY
Jenny, you didn’t really apologize, but I know we all feel a whole lot better, so I’ll speak to the authorities and we won’t send you to jail after all. This assembly is dismissed.
(MAPLE LEAF claps her hands. All freeze except JENNY and RONNY. MAPLE LEAF takes RONNY’s hand and leads him to JENNY.)
RONNY JEB
I guess I got to say goodbye to you now, Jenny.
JENNY CANUCK
I guess so, Ronny.
RONNY JEB
Seems like I just got done saying “hello” to you.
JENNY CANUCK
You said a lot more than “hello”.
RONNY JEB
It’s funny. I don’t usually talk much.
JENNY CANUCK
Neither do I. And now I’m making speeches all the time.
RONNY JEB
You going back to Canada?
JENNY CANUCK
Yep. Back to good old Moose Jaw. I’m not afraid of the cold anymore.
RONNY JEB
You want an American boy to keep you company?
JENNY CANUCK
You mean you’d go with me even though I hurt you by making a complete fool of myself over Brock Jocker?
(MAPLE LEAF takes JENNY’S hand and RONNY’S hand and gets them to hold hands.)
RONNY JEB
If you can make yourself into a perfect fool, so can I, and I’m a fool for you, Jenny Canuck. Can I go with you, Canadian girl?
JENNY CANUCK
Tell you what: if we can both forget about being “Canadian” and “American”, and just be two kids in love, you’ve got a deal.
RONNY JEB
Deal.
(Full-length melody for “Canadian Girl”:)
(They embrace as MAPLE LEAF claps her hands. Everyone unfreezes.)
(FEMALE CHARACTERS sing:) She’s a Canadian girl
(MALE CHARACTERS sing:) Canadian girl.
(FEMALE CHARACTERS sing:) She’s a Canadian girl
(MALE CHARACTERS sing:) Canadian girl.
(FEMALE CHARACTERS sing:) She’s a Canadian girl
(ALL sing:) Living in the U.S.A.
(FEMALE CHARACTERS sing:) In the U.S.A.
(FEMALE CHARACTERS sing:) She’s a Canadian girl
(MALE CHARACTERS sing:) She loves the snow.
(FEMALE CHARACTERS sing:) Canadian girl
(MALE CHARACTERS sing:) She’s frozen her toes.
(FEMALE CHARACTERS sing:) Canadian girl
(ALL sing:) Living in the U.S.A.
(MALE CHARACTERS sing:) In the U.S.A.
(MALE CHARACTERS sing:) Should we give her a chance
For American romance?
(FEMALE CHARACTERS sing:) Maybe we should wait and see.
Her Canadian eyes might
Take away our guys.
(ALL sing:) Maybe we should heave her
Into the sea!
(ALL sing:) She’s a Canadian girl
Canadian girl.
Canadian girl.
Canadian girl.
Canadian girl.
(MAPLE LEAF sings) Living in the U.S.A.
(All sing) In the U.S.A.
In the U.S.A.
Oh yeah!
(Actors make their bows and exits as the song repeats.)
END OF PLAY.