Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2008
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 50 minutes
• style: allegorical satire
• suitable for general audiences
• 28 characters (21 female, 7 male)
• gender-flexible casting
• a good play for learning how to use stylized language to reveal allegorical content
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Maul” is an allegorical tale about the denizens of a suburban mall who are gripped by fears and desires that drive them into a state of distrust and accelerating chaos.
(This play was first performed on February 26, 27, 28, 29 & March 1, in the year 2008, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
∗Published Online by Good School Plays, March 8, 2018.
Go to:
Act One, Scene 1
Act One, Scene 2
Act One, Scene 3
Act One, Scene 4
Act One, Scene 5
Act One, Scene 6
Act One, Scene 7
Act Two, Scene 1
Act Two, Scene 2
Act Two, Scene 3
Act Two, Scene 4
Act Two, Scene 5
CHARACTERS:
MALL SECURITY:
Tad Ronitz
Mamie LaGrande
Sasha Burns
BAD GIRLS:
Dolores Rondo
Ricky Mack
Shona Bachman
Punky Runkle
BAD BOYS:
Pig Dolan
Dingo Pope
Slam Tupelo
SUBURBAN MALL BRATS:
Lexy Klinghoffer
Cadence Bukowski
Avery O’Neill
McKenna Trog
TEEN FOREIGNERS:
Marietta Lavonta
Loola Vilnuk
Taba Hababa
Rooty Kopak
HOMELESS:
Roland Pocket
Lulu Krantz
Janie Dimple
THE LITTLE FAMILY:
Norm Phanta
Phyllis Phanta
Tilly Phanta
Rob Phanta
THE LADIES WHO SHOP
Patty Lewis
Jenny Morton
Libby Davis
SETTING: A foyer in the mall.
Maul by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 1:
(TAD, MAMIE, and SASHA, the Mall Security Officers, are onstage.)
TAD RONITZ
You check Mall Zone B, Mamie?
MAMIE LAGRANDE
Sure did, Tad.
TAD RONITZ
Up and running? Make me feel good, now.
MAMIE LAGRANDE
Up and running. Got biz goin’ on and it ain’t even nine.
TAD RONITZ
Gotta love it, Mamie. Biz is where it is.
MAMIE LAGRANDE
It’s all about the biz.
TAD RONITZ
We don’t want no trouble with the biz.
MAMIE LAGRANDE
Darn straight.
TAD RONITZ
You, Sasha, your turn. Gimme what I need. Mall Zone C?
SASHA BURNS
Up and running, Tad.
TAD RONITZ
We don’t want no trouble.
SASHA BURNS
Zone C’s good, Tad.
TAD RONITZ
Better be.
SASHA BURNS
It is.
TAD RONITZ
Is?
SASHA BURNS
Good.
TAD RONITZ
I got the “A” Zone. She’s buzzin’ with the biz. Everything’s “go”.
SASHA BURNS
Looks like we’re good to go.
MAMIE LAGRANDE
A, B, C…all good.
TAD RONITZ
We’re good to go. Look out for scum.
SASHA BURNS
Mall’s fulla scum.
MAMIE LAGRANDE
Scum come in the mall alla time.
TAD RONITZ
That’s our job. Scrub the scum ‘til it’s gone.
SASHA BURNS
In the mall alla time. Scum. Scrub ‘em.
TAD RONITZ
That’s our job, huh? That’s how we get credit.
MAMIE and SASHA
Yup.
TAD RONITZ
Security gets us credit.
MAMIE and SASHA
Yup.
TAD RONITZ
Secure scum and scrub ‘em.
MAMIE and SASHA
Seek your scum and scrub ‘em.
TAD RONITZ
Time ta walk the zone beat: A, B, and C.
MAMIE LAGRANDE
I’ll do the beat on “B”.
SASHA BURNS
I’ll beat on “C”.
TAD RONITZ
Get to it, you two. Go, go, go.
MAMIE LAGRANDE
I’m good to go.
(MAMIE exits,)
TAD RONITZ
You still standing still, Sasha. What?
SASHA BURNS
Wanna do noodles?
TAD RONITZ
Huh?
SASHA BURNS
At the food court, you and me.
TAD RONITZ
You mean lunch?
SASHA BURNS
I’m buying. You just gotta eat.
TAD RONITZ
Sounds like a date.
SASHA BURNS
So yes?
TAD RONITZ
No can do, Sasha. There’s rules.
SASHA BURNS
You’re the boss.
TAD RONITZ
Uh huh.
SASHA BURNS
I’ll do the beat now.
(SASHA exits.)
TAD RONITZ
(shouting after her)
Get to it! Go, go, go!
Maul by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 2:
(MARIETTA, LOOLA, TABA, and ROOTY enter.)
MARIETTA LAVONTA
(to TAD RONITZ)
Excuse us.
TAD RONITZ
You want me?
MARIETTA LAVONTA
You are the mall police, no?
TAD RONITZ
Security.
MARIETTA LAVONTA
Security. That is the police, no?
TAD RONITZ
No, security. No gun, but I can scrub scum.
LOOLA VILNUK
(in a hushed voice)
Marietta, he has anger.
TABA HABABA
(to MARIETTA)
We do not want to be scrubbed.
ROOTY KOPAK
You must be more careful, Marietta.
MARIETTA LAVONTA
(to the anxious foreign teens)
I am doing my best, little ones. Leave everything to Marietta.
TABA HABABA
(to LOOLA and ROOTY)
How I wish we were back in the old country.
ROOTY and LOOLA
The old country!
TAD RONITZ
(suspicious)
Say, you don’t talk the mother tongue so good.
ROOTY KOPAK
Marietta, he talks of your mother’s tongue.
LOOLA VILNUK
What does he want with your mother’s tongue?
MARIETTA LAVONTA
I will ask.
(to TAD)
You want to scrub my mother’s tongue?
TAD RONITZ
Huh?
MARIETTA LAVONTA
No need to scrub mama’s tongue. It has no scum upon it.
ROOTY KOPAK
No scum on the mama tongue. No scum on foreign tongues.
TABA HABABA
No need to scrub our tongues.
LOOLA VILNUK
We are all clean on the tongue. See?
(The FOREIGN TEENS all stick out their tongues for TAD to inspect.)
TAD RONITZ
Put those tongues away right now.
(The TEEN FOREIGNERS hide their tongues.)
TAD RONITZ
Can’t talk with tongues out.
LOOLA VILNUK
Talk at him with your tongue, Marietta.
MARIETTA LAVONTA
Mr. Security, there are boys in the mall.
TAD RONITZ
So?
MARIETTA LAVONTA
They say we must give them money.
TABA HABABA
They say it is a tax.
ROOTY KOPAK
A mall tax for walking in the mall and looking.
LOOLA VILNUK
They say we must pay to look.
MARIETTA LAVONTA
They say if we do not pay we cannot look.
TAD RONITZ
Scum.
MARIETTA LAVONTA
We do not mean to be scum.
TAD RONITZ
Not you. Them boys. They the scum, eh.
ROOTY KOPAK
We do not have to pay tax?
TAD RONITZ
Hell no. Them boys was diddling with your heads.
LOOLA VILNUK
Diddle?
TAD RONITZ
Diddle. Muddle. Messing in your minds. Scum do that.
TABA HABABA
(to the other TEEN FOREIGNERS)
He is on our side.
TAD RONITZ
I’ll go scrub ‘em for ya.
MARIETTA LAVONTA
Thank you, Mr. Security.
LOOLA, TABA, and ROOTY
Thank you, Mr. Security.
TAD RONITZ
It ain’t nothin’.
(Squaring himself for the task ahead, TAD RONITZ exits.)
LOOLA VILNUK
He is nice, like my uncle in old country.
TABA HABABA
He is nice. I can breathe again.
ROOTY KOPAK
He did not ask for money.
LOOLA VILNUK
He is the only one who does not want money.
MARIETTA LAVONTA
Security.
LOOLA, TABA, and ROOTY
Security.
Maul by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 3:
(The TEEN FOREIGNERS stand off to the side as the LITTLE FAMILY enters.)
TILLY PHANTA
Oh, look, Mom, clowns!
PHYLLIS PHANTA
Not clowns, Tilly, foreigners!
TILLY PHANTA
But their funny clothes!
NORM PHANTA
Costumes, Tilly, like my kilt.
ROB PHANTA
You don’t wear your kilt at the mall, Dad.
TILLY PHANTA
You wear mall clothes.
ROB PHANTA
You, me, Mom and Tilly…we wear mall clothes at the mall.
TILLY PHANTA
That’s what we’re supposed to wear unless we’re clowns.
PHYLLIS PHANTA
Foreigners don’t understand, children.
NORM PHANTA
Foreigners wear costumes because they’re ignorant.
PHYLLIS PHANTA
It’s not their fault.
TILLY PHANTA
Are they scum, Dad?
NORM PHANTA
They cling to us and look, Tilly. They look and judge.
TILLY PHANTA
I hate them.
PHYLLIS PHANTA
Don’t, Tilly. They can hear.
ROB PHANTA
So? This is our mall, Mom, not theirs.
TILLY PHANTA
Make them go away.
ROB PHANTA
They’ll get lost for a dollar.
NORM PHANTA
Easy, Rob. Don’t give them what they want.
ROB PHANTA
What do they want, Dad?
NORM PHANTA
Our stuff. They want our stuff, Rob.
TILLY PHANTA
Even my mall clothes?
PHYLLIS PHANTA
Everything, Tilly. Didn’t you hear your father?
ROB PHANTA
Don’t, Mom. They can hear.
PHYLLIS PHANTA
Perhaps we should go, Norm.
NORM PHANTA
No, Phyllis. This is our mall. They should go.
TILLY PHANTA
Make them go, Dad.
PHYLLIS PHANTA
No, Norm. They’re terrifying.
NORM PHANTA
I must defend my family.
(NORM approaches the FOREIGN TEENS and speaks to them.)
NORM PHANTA
This is our mall.
MARIETTA LAVONTA
We are just looking.
NORM PHANTA
No. You are touching, with your eyes.
MARIETTA LAVONTA
(to the other TEEN FOREIGNERS)
Quick, close your eyes.
(MARIETTA and the TEEN FOREIGNERS
shut their eyes.)
ROB PHANTA
Go, Dad. Go, go, go.
PHYLLIS PHANTA
Be careful, Norm.
TILLY PHANTA
They are touching with their skin!
NORM PHANTA
(to the TEEN FOREIGNERS)
You’re touching our mall with your skin!
MARIETTA LAVONTA
(to the other TEEN FOREIGNERS)
Quick, cover your hands and faces!
(MARIETTA and the TEEN FOREIGNERS cover their faces with veils and put gloves on their hands.)
ROB PHANTA
Go, Dad! Make them go, go, go!
PHYLLIS PHANTA
Oh, Norm! Defend your family!
TILLY PHANTA
This is our mall!
NORM PHANTA
(to the FOREIGN TEENS)
Go. Go, go, go.
MARIETTA LAVONTA
(to NORM)
We go.
(to the TEEN FOREIGNERS)
We go. Go, go, go.
LOOLA, TABA, and ROOTY
Go, go, go.
(The TEEN FOREIGNERS exit blindly, in a clump.)
PHYLLIS PHANTA
Norm, I’m so proud.
ROB PHANTA
One day I will defend my family.
TILLY PHANTA
Dad saved our mall.
NORM PHANTA
It was terrifying.
PHYLLIS PHANTA
You had a terrible scrape with scum, Norm.
ROB PHANTA
You scrubbed them, Dad.
TILLY PHANTA
They touched our mall and made terror.
NORM PHANTA
The scum is gone, but the terror’s still here. Feel it?
PHYLLIS PHANTA
Oh, Norm!
Maul by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 4:
(The SUBURBAN MALL BRATS enter. The LITTLE FAMILY is relieved to see them.)
PHYLLIS PHANTA
Look, children. Our kind.
NORM PHANTA
Thank heaven.
TILLY PHANTA
They got mall clothes.
ROB PHANTA
Mall babes. One day I will make a baby with a mall babe and defend my family.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
(to the MALL BRATS)
Daddy gimme plastic.
CADENCE BUKOWSKI
Plastic, Lexy. Buy anything.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
No limit. I just gotta stay in the mall is all.
AVERY O’NEILL
No problem. The mall is best.
McKENNA TROG
We can look and take.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
I like to look, choose, and take.
CADENCE BUKOWSKI
You got plastic, Lexy. No limit.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
(spying ROB PHANTA)
I look and see a boy.
AVERY O’NEILL
Choose him and take him, Lexy.
McKENNA TROG
You got plastic. No limit.
PHYLLIS PHANTA
Look, Rob, they’re looking.
ROB PHANTA
Don’t, Mom.
TILLY PHANTA
They look at Rob, Mom. Is Rob a babe?
PHYLLIS PHANTA
He’s my babe, Tilly. I had him.
ROB PHANTA
Don’t, Mom.
NORM PHANTA
You’re a babe man now, Rob.
ROB PHANTA
I am?
NORM PHANTA
Go with the flow, Rob.
PHYLLIS PHANTA
Meet us at the food court, Rob, in ten.
NORM PHANTA
We go to the court and wait for your decision.
TILLY PHANTA
Is Rob going to court the babes, Mom?
PHYLLIS PHANTA
He’s got to make a family to defend, Tilly.
NORM PHANTA
At the court, Rob, in ten.
ROB PHANTA
Yes, Dad. Go, go, go.
PHYLLIS PHANTA
We’re gone.
(PHYLLIS, NORM, and TILLY exit.)
CADENCE BUKOWSKI
He’s yours, Lexy.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
I’m just looking, Cadence.
AVERY O’NEILL
Show him your plastic, Lexy.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
Only if I choose and take, Avery.
McKENNA TROG
I’m gonna look closer.
(McKENNA tries to move towards ROB, but LEXY stops her.)
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
No, McKenna. I’m looking, not you.
McKENNA TROG
I can look too.
CADENCE BUKOWSKI
You don’t got plastic, McKenna.
AVERY O’NEILL
You got to stay behind Lexy, McKenna.
McKENNA TROG
It’s my mall too. I can look.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
Who’s got the plastic, McKenna?
McKENNA TROG
You because of your daddy.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
So I look first, right?
McKENNA TROG
Right, but it’s wrong.
CADENCE BUKOWSKI
Don’t, McKenna.
AVERY O’NEILL
There’s rules, McKenna.
CADENCE BUKOWSKI
You wanna stay in the mall, follow the rules.
AVERY O’NEILL
Lexy rules.
McKENNA TROG
So rule, Lexy. Look and choose.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
I’m gonna.
CADENCE BUKOWSKI
Go, go, go, Lexy.
(LEXY goes to ROB.)
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
Hey, boy.
ROB PHANTA
I’m Rob.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
Rob. Lexy.
ROB PHANTA
Lexy.
CADENCE BUKOWSKI
(to the MALL BRATS)
Lexy’s looking.
AVERY O’NEILL
Lexy’s looking. Does she like?
McKENNA TROG
She better choose. I’m waiting.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
(pointing to McKENNA)
That’s McKenna. She wants to take you.
ROB PHANTA
And you, Lexy?
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
Dunno. Touch me with your eyes.
ROB PHANTA
Not allowed.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
Why?
ROB PHANTA
Mom says you touch a babe and then there’s a baby.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
You’re a man babe, aren’t you?
ROB PHANTA
Dad says so.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
I’m touching you with my eyes. Where’s the baby?
ROB PHANTA
I dunno.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
See. Eyes touch and no baby.
McKENNA TROG
Lexy’s burning him.
CADENCE BUKOWSKI
Stay out of her fire, McKenna.
AVERY O’NEILL
You wanna get burned, too, McKenna?
McKENNA TROG
(shouting to ROB)
Rob! Rob, Rob, Rob!
ROB PHANTA
(to LEXY)
McKenna wants me.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
We’ll see.
(LEXY crosses to McKENNA)
Get out of the mall, McKenna.
McKENNA TROG
It’s my mall too.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
I banish you.
CADENCE BUKOWSKI
Uh oh.
AVERY O’NEILL
Lexy’s Queen of the Mall, McKenna.
CADENCE BUKOWSKI
You’re banished, McKenna.
AVERY O’NEILL
You got to go, go, go out of the mall.
McKENNA TROG
No! I will break Lexy’s rules!
(McKENNA crosses to ROB, hugs him, takes his hand, and exits with him.)
CADENCE BUKOWSKI
What now, Lexy?
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
The bad girls will take care of her.
AVERY O’NEILL
Uh oh.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
She can’t live in the mall without us.
CADENCE BUKOWSKI
But she’s got Rob.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
So? I touched him with my eyes. He’s weak.
AVERY O’NEILL
What now, Lexy?
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
I’ve got plastic. We’ll look at mall clothes.
CADENCE BUKOWSKI
Go, go, go.
AVERY O’NEILL
And McKenna?
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
The bad girls will break her.
(MAMIE LaGRANDE enters.)
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Hey, Lexy. You see any scum in the mall?
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
A boy and a girl. They went that way.
(LEXY points in the direction ROB and McKENNA exited.)
MAMIE LaGRANDE
You’re good, Lexy.
CADENCE BUKOWSKI
She’s the Queen of the Mall, Officer LaGrande.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Don’t I know it.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
I’m the Good Queen.
(to CADENCE and AVERY)
Don’t you forget it.
CADENCE and AVERY
Good Queen Lexy.
(LEXY exits, with CADENCE and AVERY following.)
Maul by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 5:
(The BAD GIRLS enter.)
DOLORES RONDO
Look. It’s Officer LaGrande.
RICKY MACK
Morning, Officer LaGrande.
SHONA BACHMAN
You on the beat, Officer?
PUNKY RUNKLE
You gonna beat the scum?
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Well, if it isn’t Dolores Rondo and her gang.
DOLORES RONDO
It’s our mall too, officer.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Maybe. But there’s rules.
DOLORES RONDO
Yeah, and I make ‘em.
RICKY MACK
Dolores is making a joke.
SHONA BACHMAN
That’s the rule.
PUNKY RUNKLE
Dolores makes the jokes.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Can’t beat a good joke.
DOLORES RONDO
You got it, Office LaGrande.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
There’s scum in the mall: a boy and a girl.
DOLORES RONDO
So?
MAMIE LaGRANDE
So if you look you might see ‘em.
DOLORES RONDO
We got a right to look.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Well, they’re scum.
RICKY MACK
We see ‘em, we’ll look right at ‘em.
SHONA BACHMAN
Right at ‘em, and go, go, go.
PUNKY RUNKLE
Touch ‘em with our eyes, then with tongues.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Lash ‘em good. With your tongues.
DOLORES RONDO
We got tongues that lash good, Officer LaGrande.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Don’t I know it.
DOLORES RONDO
What about skin?
MAMIE LaGRANDE
No bruises, Dolores.
RICKY MACK
We touch with skin, there’s gonna be bruises.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Don’t bruise ‘em, you bruisers.
SHONA BACHMAN
Awwww.
PUNKY RUNKLE
We’ll lash with our tongues and bruise their minds.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
That’s the way, Punky.
DOLORES RONDO
Don’t try to be boss, Punky, or you’re dead.
PUNKY RUNKLE
Sorry, Dolores.
DOLORES RONDO
You want to be in the mall, don’t try to be boss.
PUNKY RUNKLE
Sorry.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Punky had an idea is all. Give her a break.
DOLORES RONDO
I’ll break her for sure one day.
RICKY MACK
Punky, you burned Dolores.
SHONA BACHMAN
She’s burned, Punky. Look out.
PUNKY RUNKLE
I wanna be in the mall. I don’t wanna be dead.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Lay off the kid, Dolores.
DOLORES RONDO
You want us to scrub the scum?
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Yeah.
DOLORES RONDO
Then let me do Punky my way. It’s best.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Sure, Dolores. Do Punky your way. But scrub the scum. That’s how you pay.
(MAMIE exits.)
RICKY MACK
You want me to do Punky for you, Dolores?
DOLORES RONDO
Sure, Ricky. No bruises.
RICKY MACK
No bruises. Hold her, Shona.
SHONA BACHMAN
No bruises.
(SHONA holds PUNKY. RICKY grabs PUNKY’s hair. SHONA lets go of PUNKY as RICKY pulls PUNKY’s hair. PUNKY
grunts with discomfort. SHONA lets go of PUNKY, throwing her down. RICKY, SHONA, and DOLORES laugh.)
DOLORES RONDO
You should have heard yourself grunt, Punky.
RICKY MACK
Loud. She was loud, eh, Shona?
SHONA BACHMAN
Loud. You should have heard yourself, Punky.
PUNKY RUNKLE
No bruises, Dolores?
DOLORES RONDO
Hell no. Come here, kid.
(PUNKY goes to DOLORES, who embraces her.)
Better?
PUNKY RUNKLE
Yeah. No bruises.
DOLORES RONDO
Who’s boss?
RICKY and SHONA
Dolores!
PUNKY RUNKLE
Dolores.
Maul by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 6:
(The LADIES WHO SHOP enter and strike a pose.)
RICKY MACK
Look, Dolores: Ladies who shop.
DOLORES RONDO
They’re always in the mall.
SHONA BACHMAN
Looking and choosing and taking.
PUNKY RUNKLE
They got husband scum who go, go, go.
RICKY MACK
They not like us.
DOLORES RONDO
They not like us at all but we’re all in the mall.
SHONA BACHMAN
Wrinkles on them.
PUNKY RUNKLE
Dust in the wrinkles.
RICKY MACK
And smells.
DOLORES RONDO
They work to be clean but they’re all stink.
SHONA BACHMAN
Let’s go get the scum boy and girl, Dolores.
PUNKY RUNKLE
Yeah, lash ‘em with our tongues.
DOLORES RONDO
Lash ‘em and leave ‘em.
(The BAD GIRLS exit.)
PATTY LEWIS
I’m so glad we’re in the mall, ladies.
JENNY MORTON
It’s delightful to be in the mall, isn’t it, Patty.
PATTY LEWIS
Delightful. Isn’t it delightful, Libby?
LIBBY DAVIS
I’m so glad.
PATTY LEWIS
Husband Herbie says he’s glad I’m in the mall.
JENNY MORTON
Husband Henry says he’s glad I’m in the mall.
LIBBY DAVIS
Husband Horace says he’s glad I’m in the mall.
PATTY LEWIS
It’s such a relief to be husband-free in the mall.
JENNY MORTON
There are so many things in the mall.
LIBBY DAVIS
So many things. I want them all.
PATTY LEWIS
I’m happiest in the hall in the mall gliding past the glass.
JENNY MORTON
Through the glass are things so new and clean.
LIBBY DAVIS
Sniff the new things, ladies, and you’ll find joy.
PATTY LEWIS
Sniff new things and know what it is to be clean.
JENNY MORTON
In the mall, we search for good smells.
LIBBY DAVIS
Good smells and tags and labels.
PATTY LEWIS
The mall is for ladies who love labels.
JENNY MORTON
We are ladies in the mall loving labels.
LIBBY DAVIS
How I wish I was a new thing with a label.
PATTY LEWIS
We are not new. We are used.
JENNY MORTON
Used ladies searching for clean smells.
LIBBY DAVIS
If only I could be clean again.
PATTY DAVIS
In the mall we can smell, touch, and see clean new things.
JENNY, LIBBY, and PATTY
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
(The HOMELESS enter.)
JENNY MORTON
Look, ladies! And smell!
LIBBY DAVIS
How awful! Not clean!
PATTY LEWIS
They are not welcome in the mall.
JENNY MORTON
Why do they stink in our mall?
LIBBY DAVIS
Where is the security?
PATTY LEWIS
Security must scrub the scum. There’s rules.
(The HOMELESS launch their appeal.)
ROLAND POCKET
You women got smelly spare change?
LULU KRANTZ
Ya got some grungy jingle-jangle for the nearly dead?
JANIE DIMPLE
Ya got a bit of mucky money for the stinking rejects?
PATTY LEWIS
Can’t you see we’re ladies?
ROLAND KRANTZ
Give us your filthy cash, ladies and be clean.
LULU KRANTZ
Give to us the stinking money and you’ll be clean out of cash.
JANIE DIMPLE
Give cash and get clean. Go, go, go.
PATTY LEWIS
Don’t be afraid, ladies. This is our mall.
JENNY MORTON
How dare they demand our stinking dollars?
LIBBY DAVIS
We must exchange our stinking dollars for clean new things with labels.
ROLAND POCKET
You lucky ladies had showers this morning.
LULU KRANTZ
You washed off the scum and sent it down the drain.
JANIE DIMPLE
Scrub-a-dub-dub, some slime in a tub.
ROLAND POCKET
Roland smells your odors. You are fragrant.
LULU KRANTZ
Lulu sniffs your pits. You are deodored.
JANIE DIMPLE
Janie whiffs your do’s. Your hair is honey.
ROLAND POCKET
Give to us your stinking cash and be clean, clean, clean.
LULU KRANTZ
Clean, clean, clean.
JANIE DIMPLE
Clean, clean, clean.
ROLAND, LULU, and JANIE
Give us! Give us! Give us!
PATTY LEWIS
(shouting)
Security!
JENNY MORTON
(shouting)
Security!
LIBBY DAVIS
(shouting)
Security!
(TAD RONITZ enters.)
TAD RONITZ
Ladies!
PATTY LEWIS
These scum want our money!
JENNY MORTON
Do something!
LIBBY DAVIS
They are scum!
TAD RONITZ
(to the HOMELESS)
You scum inna mall alla time.
ROLAND POCKET
Mall’s warm, eh?
LULU KRANTZ
We need warm, security.
JANIE DIMPLE
Give us a bath, officer.
PATTY LEWIS
They are not clean, officer. They are not at all new.
JENNY MORTON
They are so very used.
LIBBY DAVIS
Used and useless and stinking and rotten.
PATTY, JENNY, and LIBBY
Get them away, officer!
(shouting)
Security!
(SASHA BURNS enters.)
TAD RONITZ
I got backup.
SASHA BURNS
Ladies, you hollered.
PATTY LEWIS
Look at the stinking rejects, officers.
JENNY MORTON
Place your eyes on them!
LIBBY DAVIS
See how they rot?
SASHA BURNS
You want to do noodles, Tad?
TAD RONITZ
Not now, Sasha. We got scum.
SASHA BURNS
At the food court. I’ll pay.
TAD RONITZ
Stop, Sasha. We got security to do. You can see that.
SASHA BURNS
I can see the scum, Tad. Those ladies.
TAD RONITZ
They not scum, Sasha. You mixed it up. It must be the noodles date.
SASHA BURNS
Those ladies, Tad. They got clean for you.
TAD RONITZ
For me?
SASHA BURNS
They smell you, Tad, and like your clean.
TAD RONITZ
You got a jealous going on, Sasha, that’s all.
PATTY LEWIS
Are you going to scrub the scum or what, officers?
ROLAND POCKET
The ladies like the man-officer. He’s security.
LULU KRANTZ
The woman-officer is a baby.
JANIE DIMPLE
Baby wants a bottle that is a man-officer.
ROLAND POCKET
She say, “Man-officer, you my babe!”
PATTY, JENNY, and LIBBY
(shouting)
Security!
TAD RONITZ
You ladies, we go look at clean new things with labels, okay?
PATTY LEWIS
Is that what your really want, officer?
TAD RONITZ
Yes, ladies. We want you to enjoy the mall. Come with me.
JENNY MORTON
Ladies, we must do our best to please the officer.
LIBBY DAVIS
Yes. He is an officer and he is a gentleman.
PATTY LEWIS
He is not a stinking reject.
SASHA BURNS
Tad, don’t go with the ladies.
TAD RONITZ
Got to, Sasha. The rules, remember?
SASHA BURNS
Then I go too, Tad.
TAD RONITZ
Do your own beat, Sasha. Zone B, remember?
SASHA BURNS
Noodles at noon?
TAD RONITZ
No, Sasha. Zone B, now!
SASHA BURNS
You go with the ladies, Tad. But there’s rules in the mall, eh?
TAD RONITZ
I know the mall rules, Sasha.
SASHA BURNS
I offer noodles, you go with the ladies. We’ll see, Tad, we’ll see.
(SASHA exits.)
TAD RONITZ
Come with me, ladies.
PATTY LEWIS
Thank you, officer. You are clean and we label you “secure”.
JENNY MORTON
You smell new.
LIBBY DAVIS
You are our mall man, officer. Our husbands don’t know.
(The LADIES WHO SHOP exit with TAD.)
Maul by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 7:
(The BAD BOYS enter.)
PIG DOLAN
Look, Dingo. Stinking rejects.
DINGO POPE
I can smell ‘em, Pig.
PIG DOLAN
How about you, Slam? You smell them stinking rejects?
SLAM TUPELO
I got a nose, Pig.
PIG DOLAN
Then use it.
ROLAND POCKET
You boys got daddies?
PIG DOLAN
None of your beeswax, stink pot.
LULU KRANTZ
Daddy’s little boys.
DINGO POPE
Can it, stench crone.
JANIE DIMPLE
I got a dead daddy.
SLAM TUPELO
You dead too, old stinky bag.
ROLAND POCKET
Your daddies oughta make men outta youse.
PIG DOLAN
Shut up about daddies or I’ll kick.
LULU KRANTZ
The mall’s your daddy.
DINGO POPE
Pig’s gonna kick if you say daddy.
PIG DOLAN
I’m gonna kick.
SLAM TUPELO
Pig kicks and you’re done.
JANIE DIMPLE
You got to sleep sometime, Pig.
PIG DOLAN
So?
JANIE DIMPLE
So when you sleep, Pig, you don’t kick no one.
DINGO POPE
She’s kicking you, Pig, inside your head.
PIG DOLAN
Naw. It’s the truth. Maybe she’s my mama.
SLAM TUPELO
You Pig’s mama?
JANIE DIMPLE
I’m Janie Dimple.
ROLAND POCKET
Pig kicked in Janie’s womb.
PIG DOLAN
You don’t get it, stinko. Me and Slam was makin’ a mama joke.
LULU KRANTZ
You got a mama, Pig. She ain’t no joke.
DINGO POPE
You the joke, mama.
LULU KRANTZ
I’m not mama, Dingo.
SLAM TUPELO
She don’t want her baby Dingo.
DINGO POPE
You don’t want me, mama?
ROLAND POCKET
Dingo, don’t do no more mama and we don’t do no more daddy.
PIG DOLAN
Deal. Deal, right, Dingo?
DINGO POPE
No deal, Pig. I want mama to die for Dingo.
(DINGO proceeds to stalk LULU.)
SLAM TUPELO
No killing, Dingo.
DINGO POPE
Shut up, Slam, you ain’t my daddy.
JANIE DIMPLE
Lulu, Dingo’s gonna do you.
DINGO POPE
No, it’s you that’s gonna be my dead mama.
(DINGO proceeds to stalk JANIE.)
ROLAND ROCKET
I’m your mama, Dingo.
(DINGO is confused. He begins to stalk ROLAND)
PIG DOLAN
Hey, the old man’s morphed into a mama, Slam.
SLAM TUPELO
Dingo’s gonna do him, Pig.
DINGO POPE
You my mama? Hey? You Dingo’s teat?
ROLAND ROCKET
You been in the mall too long, boy.
PIG DOLAN
Hey, Dingo, you gotta shut it down.
SLAM TUPELO
He don’t hear, Pig.
DINGO POPE
Mama give Dingo a life. Lookit, Mama, see the life you give to Dingo? See it?
ROLAND ROCKET
I ain’t your mama. The mall’s your mama.
DINGO POPE
Pig? Where are you, Pig?
PIG DOLAN
Right here, Dingo, in the mall.
DINGO POPE
I’m gonna cry, Pig.
PIG DOLAN
(to ROLAND)
See what you done?
DINGO POPE
The mall mama gimme this life, Pig.
SLAM TUPELO
He’s gettin’ political.
PIG DOLAN
Come to Pig, Dingo.
(DINGO makes his way unsteadily to PIG.)
LULU KRANTZ
He’s cryin’.
DINGO POPE
(wandering into PIG’S arms)
God, Pig, what am I gonna do?
PIG DOLAN
Don’t do them stinkos, Dingo. They ain’t worth it.
SLAM TUPELO
The big baby.
PIG DOLAN
(putting DINGO aside, and grabbing SLAM)
Don’t you ever call Dingo a baby, Slam. You the baby.
SLAM TUPELO
Easy, Pig.
PIG DOLAN
(pulling SLAM up close)
You the baby.
SLAM TUPELO
Goo goo ga ga. You satisfied?
PIG DOLAN
Baby.
(PIG releases SLAM.)
JANIE DIMPLE
You boys of the mall. Bad.
LULU KRANTZ
Bad boys of the mall.
ROLAND POCKET
You always talking about doing and that.
JANIE DIMPLE
You stalk.
LULU KRANTZ
You say “stink” and “reject” and that.
PIG DOLAN
Don’t push it, you stenchers.
(MAMIE LaGRANDE enters.)
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Scum! Do I got to scrub and scrub or what?
PIG DOLAN
Take it easy, security. We just lookin’ for mama and dadda.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
You’re not smart, Pig Dolan.
PIG DOLAN
Don’t got to be smart, security, just got to be gristle.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Don’t gristle around the rejects.
DINGO POPE
Come on, Pig. We go to the food court for fajitas.
SLAM TUPELO
Fajitas at the food court, Pig. You buy.
PIG DOLAN
For Dingo. You’re on your own, Slam.
(The BAD BOYS exit.)
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Now you rejects scat.
ROLAND ROCKET
We got to eat garbage.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Lotsa good garbage in the mall.
LULU KRANTZ
No fajitas for stinking rejects.
JANIE DIMPLE
We got to eat garbage in the mall.
(The HOMELESS exit.)
MAMIE LaGRANDE
I’m beat.
(She exits.)
Maul by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 1:
(The TEEN FOREIGNERS enter, shuffling and blind.)
MARIETTA LAVONTA
It is no use. We are lost in the mall that is not our mall.
LOOLA VILNUK
Oh, Marietta, we must take off our veils and open our eyes.
TABA HABABA
We cannot shuffle in the mall forever, Marietta.
ROOTY KOPAK
We do not look, we do not touch, and we are lost.
MARIETTA LAVONTA
Very well. The veils must be lifted and the eyes must be opened.
(The TEEN FOREIGNERS lift their veils and open their eyes.)
LOOLA VILNUK
Why do the mall people hate us, Marietta?
MARIETTA LAVONTA
It has something to do with our tongues, Loola.
TABA HABABA
It is because our tongues are not mothers.
ROOTY KOPAK
The mall people hate those who do not have the mother tongue.
LOOLA VILNUK
We cannot look or touch because we do not have the mother tongue.
(The LITTLE FAMILY, minus ROB, enter.)
MARIETTA LAVONTA
Oh no! It is the ones who made us go, go, go!
(The TEEN FOREIGNERS close their eyes and lower their veils.)
NORM PHANTA
No, please do not be blind!
PHYLLIS PHANTA
We need eyes of all kinds!
TILLY PHANTA
Mummy and Daddy want you to look!
(The TEEN FOREIGNERS open their eyes and lift their veils.)
MARIETTA LAVONTA
You do not want us to go, go, go?
PHYLLIS PHANTA
It’s our boy Rob.
NORM PHANTA
He disappeared when we weren’t looking.
TILLY PHANTA
He did not appear in the food court. Help us look.
PHYLLIS PHANTA
Help us look for our boy Rob.
LOOLA VILNUK
(to MARIETTA, in a hushed whisper)
I do not trust them, Marietta.
TABA HABABA
(also in a whisper)
They are the ones that hate.
ROOTY KOPAK
(also in a whisper)
Perhaps it is a trap.
MARIETTA LAVONTA
(also in a whisper)
No. I feel them with my eyes and they have fear. Do not worry. Leave everything to Marietta.
(to the LITTLE FAMILY)
We will help look for your boy Rob.
PHYLLIS PHANTA
(to NORM in a hushed whisper)
I don’t trust them, Norm.
TILLY PHANTA
(to NORM in a hushed whisper)
They are the ones we hate, Dad.
PHYLLIS PHANTA
(to NORM in a hushed whisper)
Perhaps it’s a trap, Norm.
NORM PHANTA
(also in a whisper)
No. Our boy Rob is gone and they must help.
(to the TEEN FOREIGNERS)
Try to see our boy Rob.
MARIETTA LAVONTA
And if we see your boy Rob?
NORM PHANTA
Tell us and we will give you dollars.
LOOLA VILNUK
Dollars! Oh, Marietta, we will get instead of giving!
TABA HABABA
Think of it! Dollars for seeing their boy Rob!
ROOTY KOPAK
We will get dollars for opening our eyes and lifting the veils!
MARIETTA LAVONTA
No. We do not want dollars from the mall.
(to the LITTLE FAMILY)
We will help you look for your boy Rob but keep your stinking dollars.
TILLY PHANTA
(whispering)
They still hate us, Daddy.
PHYLLIS PHANTA
(whispering)
They say our mall dollars stink.
NORM PHANTA
(whispering)
They are still scum, but our boy Rob has disappeared and they must help us see him.
(to the TEEN FOREIGNERS)
We must go to Mall Zone B to see if our boy Rob appears behind the glass with a label on him.
MARIETTA LAVONTA
Poor boy Rob. We will come here if our eyes fall upon him.
PHYLLIS PHANTA
Come on, Norm. Zone B. Our boy Rob needs us.
TILLY PHANTA
(suddenly realizing and whispering)
Daddy, what if those foreigners took Rob and did terrible things to him?
PHYLLIS PHANTA
(whispering)
My god, Norm. Tilly is right. The foreigners might have terrified Rob.
TILLY PHANTA
(whispering)
Foreign terrorists, Dad.
NORM PHANTA
(whispering)
Terrorists in our mall! We must get security!
PHYLLIS PHANTA
(whispering)
Our poor boy Rob, terrorized by those terrorists!
NORM and TILLY
We must get security!
(The LITTLE FAMILY exits.)
Maul by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 2:
(The BAD GIRLS enter with ROB and McKENNA. DOLORES and RICKY are holding ROB. SHONA and PUNKY are holding McKENNA.)
DOLORES RONDO
(throwing ROB down)
Don’t try to run, scum
RICKY MACK
You run, we grab and scrub.
SHONA BACHMAN
(throwing McKENNA down)
Stay down, mall brats.
PUNKY RUNKLE
You wanted by security.
RICKY MACK
Look, Dolores: a mob of foreigners.
DOLORES RONDO
Careful, Ricky. They look like terror.
(The TEEN FOREIGNERS pull down their veils.)
SHONA BACHMAN
They got no place in our mall.
PUNKY RUNKLE
We don’t want them looking when we lash the brats with our tongues.
DOLORES RONDO
Don’t try to be boss, Punky, remember?
PUNKY RUNKLE
Sorry, Dolores.
SHONA BACHMAN
She ain’t sorry.
RICKY MACK
You want I should whack Punky, Dolores?
DOLORES RONDO
Naw. There’s scum foreigners and scum mall brats.
SHONA BACHMAN
Ya, we got some bigtime scrubbing on our hands.
ROB PHANTA
I got to go to the food court.
McKENNA TROG
Don’t, Rob. They’ll kick.
DOLORES RONDO
Security says you’re scum. They want you.
ROB PHANTA
(shouting)
Mom! Dad!
McKENNA TROG
Don’t, Rob. Be a man, babe.
MARIETTA LAVONTA
(whispering)
It is our boy Rob!
LOOLA VILNUK
He has appeared!
(The TEEN FOREIGNERS draw back their veils.)
TABA HABABA and ROOTY KOPAK
Our eyes are touching him!
RICKY MACK
Them foreigners are breaking the rules, Dolores.
DOLORES RONDO
(to the TEEN FOREIGNERS)
Cover your eyeballs, you terror scum.
SHONA BACHMAN
They’re terrorists, Dolores.
PUNKY RUNKLE
They got terror in their eyes.
MARIETTA LAVONTA
Loola, Taba, Rooty, we must run for the loved ones!
LOOLA, TABA, and ROOTY
We must run for the loved ones!
(The TEEN FOREIGNERS exit.)
SHONA BACHMAN
What now, Dolores?
DOLORES RONDO
You and Punky tail the terrorists. Me and Ricky’ll sit on the scum ‘til security gets ‘em.
SHONA BACHMAN
C’mon, Punky.
(SHONA and PUNKY exit.)
ROB PHANTA
Mummy! Daddy!
McKENNA TROG
Don’t be a baby, Rob man.
DOLORES RONDO
Hold your tongues, scum.
Maul by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 3:
Scene 3
(The SUBURBAN MALL BRATS enter.)
CADENCE BUKOWSKI
Look! It’s McKenna!
AVERY O’NEILL
Those bad girls broke her, Lexy.
CADENCE BUKOWSKI
She’s all bent out of shape.
DOLORES RONDO
Damn straight.
CADENCE BUKOWSKI
And look, there’s Rob.
ROB PHANTA
Get Mummy and Daddy! Go, go, go!
McKENNA TROG
Lexy, Lexy, I was wrong about Rob!
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
Too late, McKenna. Now you’re scum.
McKENNA TROG
No, Lexy, I’m your McKenna, remember?
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
No, McKenna. I’ve looked. I’ve chosen. I don’t take you.
McKENNA TROG
And Rob?
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
I’ve looked. I’ve chosen. I don’t take Rob.
McKENNA TROG
Then why oh why, Lexy? Why oh why am I scum?
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
There can only be one Queen of the Mall, McKenna.
DOLORES RONDO
(to ROB)
You could have been King of the Mall, kid.
RICKY MACK
But Lexy didn’t take you.
ROB PHANTA
King of the Mall?
McKENNA TROG
Please, Lexy.
(LEXY goes to McKENNA, pulls her up, embraces her.)
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
I loved you, McKenna. You were my favourite.
McKENNA TROG
Lexy. . .
(LEXY slaps McKENNA hard. McKENNA staggers back into the arms of CADENCE and AVERY. ROB tries to run, but RICKY and DOLORES intercept him and hold him.)
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
(to McKENNA)
I told you you were banished, and I meant it.
(MAMIE LaGRANDE enters.)
MAMIE LaGRANDE
These the scum, Lexy?
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
A boy and a girl, Officer LaGrande, like I told you.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
You’re good, Queen Lexy. You got a joke for me, Dolores?
DOLORES RONDO
Two jokes. McKenna and Rob.
RICKY MACK
You gotta laugh at scum. It’s the only way.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Any bruises?
DOLORES RONDO
Not that you can see.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
I’m not looking.
RICKY MACK
Lexy lashed ‘em with her tongue.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Bruised their minds?
CADENCE BUKOWSKI
Yeah, but McKenna the most.
AVERY O’NEILL
She got the most bruised mind, Officer LaGrande.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Guess she’s the fallen favourite.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
That’s right, Officer LaGrande.
DOLORES RONDO
There’s terrorists, officer.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Yeah?
RICKY MACK
They ran for the loved ones.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Loved ones?
ROB PHANTA
(shouting)
Mummy! Daddy!
DOLORES RONDO
Them, I guess. Mummy and Daddy. The loved ones.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Dolores, Ricky, help me with the scum.
DOLORES RONDO
Where to, officer?
MAMIE LaGRANDE
The box. Let’s go, go, go.
(MAMIE, DOLORES, and RICKY exit with McKENNA and ROB.)
Maul by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 4:
(SHONA and PUNKY enter.)
SHONA BACHMAN
Where’s Dolores?
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
Gone with the scum.
CADENCE BUKOWSKI
And security. They’re going in the box.
SHONA BACHMAN
Who?
AVERY O’NEILL
The scum.
PUNKY RUNKLE
The loved ones are coming with the terrorists.
SHONA BACHMAN
They want their boy Rob.
CADENCE BUKOWSKI
What you gonna do, Lexy?
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
Watch.
AVERY O’NEILL
We’ll watch, Lexy.
(The LITTLE FAMILY enters with the TEEN FOREIGNERS.)
NORM PHANTA
Where is our boy Rob?
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
In the box.
PHYLLIS PHANTA
In the box? Norm, our boy Rob is in the box!
TILLY PHANTA
Mummy, Daddy, they’ve got Rob boxed!
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
So you’re with the terrorists.
NORM PHANTA
They didn’t box Rob.
PHYLLIS PHANTA
They didn’t terrorize our boy.
TILLY PHANTA
They ran for us.
THE TEEN FOREIGNERS
We ran for the loved ones.
NORM PHANTA
(to LEXY)
We went to the food court and left Rob to court you.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
So?
PHYLLIS PHANTA
You’ve got mall clothes. We thought you were one of us.
TILLY PHANTA
Mummy and Daddy thought you were mall babes.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
I courted Rob, and you courted terrorists. Who’s right?
PHYLLIS PHANTA
We just want our boy Rob.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
Then go and get him. Go, go, go. But remember, you’re scum now.
TILLY PHANTA
Mom, Dad, we can’t get Rob. They’ll put us in the box too.
NORM PHANTA
We are scum now, Phyllis.
PHYLLIS PHANTA
Norm! Defend your family!
NORM PHANTA
I can’t, Phyllis. This is not our mall now.
PHYLLIS PHANTA
(to the TEEN FOREIGNERS)
This is your fault.
THE TEEN FOREIGNERS
Us?
PHYLLIS PHANTA
We trusted you and now our boy Rob is in the box!
NORM PHANTA
Yes. Somehow, you have betrayed us!
TILLY PHANTA
Somehow, you made it so Rob had to go in the box!
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
Terrorists!
CADENCE and AVERY
Terrorists!
SHONA BACHMAN
We must warn security.
PUNKY RUNKLE
Security will deal with the terrorists.
(SHONA and PUNKY exit.)
NORM PHANTA
We must hide from security and make a plan to get our boy Rob out of the box.
(The LITTLE FAMILY exits.)
MARIETTA LAVONTA
We are alone again.
LOOLA VILNUK
They say we make terror.
TABA HABABA
This is the way of the mall.
ROOTY KOPAK
All from the outside are called terror.
LOOLA VILNUK
Soon, security will come and put us in the box.
MARIETTA LAVONTA
We must flee from security.
(The TEEN FOREIGNERS exit.)
CADENCE BUKOWSKI
You’re Queen, Lexy.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
The queen is always alone.
AVERY O’NEILL
Rob was not your boy king.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
He was not even a baby man.
CADENCE BUKOWSKI
What now Lexy?
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
I must find a king.
(LEXY, CADENCE, and AVERY exit.)
Maul by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 5:
(TAD RONITZ enters with the LADIES WHO SHOP.)
PATTY LEWIS
I can’t remember a better time, Officer Ronitz.
TAD RONITZ
Call me Tad.
PATTY LEWIS
Tad.
JENNY MORTON
Oh, Tad, you took us to all the clean new things!
TAD RONITZ
We want you to feel secure.
LIBBY DAVIS
The new things smelled so good and so do you, Tad.
TAD RONITZ
Security must be fresh, ladies.
PATTY LEWIS
You’re being fresh with us, Officer Tad!
(The LADIES giggle.)
TAD RONITZ
I have forgotten something.
JENNY MORTON
Pardon, Tad?
TAD RONITZ
Something has gone out of my head.
LIBBY DAVIS
Perhaps it is the officer called Sasha.
PATTY LEWIS
Did you forget Officer Sasha, Tad?
JENNY MORTON
Go ahead and forget her, Tad.
TAD RONITZ
No, no, I did not forget Sasha. It’s about diddling, muddling, messing with minds. I forget.
PATTY LEWIS
Oh dear! I’ve forgotten Husband Herbie.
JENNY MORTON
And I’ve forgotten Husband Henry.
LIBBY DAVIS
And I’ve forgotten Husband Horace!
PATTY LEWIS
Oh, Tad, you make the mall wonderful!
JENNY and LIBBY
Wonderful!
TAD RONITZ
I wish I could remember what I forgot.
(SASHA BURNS enters with MAMIE LaGRANDE and SHONA and PUNKY.)
SHONA BACHMAN
We found security in Zone B and C.
PUNKY RUNKLE
We warned them about the terror.
SASHA BURNS
Officer LaGrande’s got two scum in the box, Tad.
TAD RONITZ
Huh?
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Two scum. In the box.
SASHA BURNS
And Tad, Shona says there’s terrorists in the mall.
TAD RONITZ
Terrorists? In our mall?
SHONA BACHMNA
Terrorists.
PUNKY RUNKLE
They terrified the loved ones.
SASHA BURNS
There’s been some rules broken, Tad, by you.
TAD RONITZ
Me?
SASHA BURNS
I offered you noodles but you went with these ladies.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
And now there’s scum in the box and terrorists, Tad.
SHONA and PUNKY
They terrified the loved ones.
TAD RONITZ
I forgot something.
SASHA BURNS
Yes, Tad. You forgot. I gave you a break, Tad. I was gonna give you noodles.
TAD RONITZ
No dates, Sasha. Not even for noodles in the court. The rules, remember?
SASHA BURNS
You’re the one that’s forgotten.
TAD RONITZ
I guess it was these clean-smelling ladies.
SASHA BURNS
That’s right, Tad. You sniffed these ladies and forgot the rules.
TAD RONITZ
Damn.
PATTY LEWIS
Is anything wrong, Tad?
SASHA BURNS
Don’t call him “Tad”, you wrinkle!
PATTY LEWIS
(to the other LADIES)
Did you hear that? Did you hear that? That officer called me a wrinkle!
JENNY MORTON
Stop, officer. Stop and protect!
LIBBY DAVIS
You must protect us, officer. We are ladies in the mall.
PATTY LEWIS
You broke a rule, officer. I am not a wrinkle.
SASHA BURNS
Three witches! In the mall! Stealing my man!
TAD RONITZ
I am not your man, Sasha!
PATTY, JENNY, and LIBBY
Witches!
SASHA BURNS
See, Tad, they’re witches!
TAD RONITZ
They smell so clean.
SASHA BURNS
You have forgotten to look, Tad. Their wrinkles!
(the HOMELESS enter)
ROLAND POCKET
There’s the man officer who left us with Pig, Dingo, and Slam.
LULU KRANTZ
Officer, Mr. Man Officer, we been eating garbage.
MAMIE LaGRANDE
Lotsa good garbage in the mall.
JANIE DIMPLE
You be our daddy, Mr. Officer. You be giving us fajitas in the court.
TAD RONITZ
I’ve forgotten.
SASHA BURNS
Three stinking rejects, Tad. How could you forget?
PATTY LEWIS
Forget the rejects, Officer Tad. Be with us.
JENNY MORTON
We’ve forgotten our husbands for you.
LIBBY DAVIS
Take us deep into the mall, Officer and Gentleman Tad.
PATTY LEWIS
There are feather beds in the mall, Officer Tad.
JENNY MORTON
We want to lie down on feather beds.
TAD RONITZ
I have forgotten.
ROLAND POCKET
Have pity on us, officer!
LULU KRANTZ
Take mercy on our souls!
JANIE DIMPLE
We are outcasts who are casting about in the mall for garbage!
MAMIE LaGRANGE
So much garbage in the mall.
SASHA BURNS
There’s a daddy in you, Tad, and more. Remember!
(PIG, DINGO, and SLAM enter. DINGO is in a bad way and is being supported by PIG and SLAM.)
PIG DOLAN
Dingo’s sick, officers.
SLAM TUPELO
He’s done himself, talking about mamas.
DINGO POPE
Mall mama’s all I got, and no daddy that I can see.
PIG DOLAN
He’s dyin’, officers.
DINGO POPE
(breaking free and grabbing PATTY LEWIS)
You be my mama, Wrinkle?
PATTY LEWIS
Officers, get it off me.
MAMIE and SASHA
(seizing DINGO and dragging him off PATTY)
She’s not your mama.
PATTY LEWIS
It called me “Wrinkle”.I would not have it in my womb.
DINGO POPE
(grabbing JENNY MORTON)
Mama?
JENNY MORTON
Officers, it’s offending!
MAMIE and SASHA
(seizing DINGO and dragging him off MAMIE)
No, Dingo. That’s not mama.
JENNY MORTON
I can’t bear it!
DINGO POPE
(grabbing LIBBY DAVIS)
You! You Mama Mama Mama?
LIBBY DAVIS
Officers! There is something stuck to me! Pull it off!
MAMIE and SASHA
(again dragging DINGO off)
No mamas, Dingo. No mamas! You understand?
ROLAND, LULU, and JANIE
No mamas, Dingo! No mamas!
DINGO POPE
Pig!
(rushing to PIG and grabbing him)
Pig, I’m dying, Pig!
SLAM TUPELO
Do something, Pig!
PIG DOLAN
(shaking DINGO)
Dingo! Dingo! The mall’s our mama. Always has been! Dingo!
(But DINGO suddenly goes limp, and PIG gently lays him on the mall’s cold surface. MAMIE and SASHA inspect DINGO’s body.)
MAMIE LAGRANDE
He’s gone.
SASHA BURNS
Dingo has left the mall.
TAD RONITZ
It’s my fault. If only I’d remembered!
(The TEEN FOREIGNERS run in and throw themselves at TAD’s feet.)
MARIETTA LAVONTA
Security! Security! The loved ones are going to kill us!
LOOLA, TABA, and ROOTY
Save us! Save us!
SHONA and PUNKY
They’re the terrorists! They’re the terrorists!
(The LITTLE FAMILY run in. NORM grabs MARIETTA and LOOLA and tries to strangle them both. PHYLLIS grabs TABA and tries to strangle her. TILLY grabs ROOTY and tries to strangle her.)
TAB RONITZ
I think I remember.
(PIG and SLAM pull NORM off MARIETTA. MAMIE and SASHA pull PHYLLIS off TABA. SHONA and PUNKY pull TILLY off ROOTY. TAD helps the TEEN FOREIGNERS gather into a little tableau on the floor.)
TAD RONITZ
I was gonna scrub them scum for you.
MARIETTA LAVONTA
Yes, yes, the ones that make us pay tax to be in the mall.
LOOLA VILNUK
(pointing at PIG and SLAM)
Those! Pig and Slam! They are the scum!
TABA HABABA
And Dingo, who is on the floor.
PIG DOLAN
Dingo’s dead.
ROOTY KOPAK
He got scrubbed.
ROLAND, LULU, and JANIE
He scrubbed himself to death.
(DOLORES and RICKY enter with ROB and McKENNA.)
DOLORES RONDO
Where were you, Officer Ronitz?
RICKY MACK
Can’t keep these scum in the box without your say so.
ROB PHANTA
Mom! Dad! Little Tilly!
NORMY, PHYLLIS, and TILLY
Our boy Rob!
McKENNA TROG
(looking at DINGO)
Is he dead?
ROLAND, LULU, and JANIE
Yes, he scrubbed himself to death.
McKENNA TROG
Where’s his mama?
ROLAND, LULU, and JANIE
The mall is his mama.
(LEXY, CADENCE, and AVERY enter.)
TAD RONITZ
Lexy. I remember.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
Someone had to die first.
TAD RONITZ
Yes. Our boy.
CADENCE and AVERY
The prince is dead.
(TAD and LEXY go to DINGO’s body.)
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
Release the Little Family and seize the Ladies who Shop.
(NORM, PHYLLIS, and TILLY are released. They and ROB have a reunion. PIG and SLAM arrest PATTY. MAMIE and SASHA arrest JENNY. SHONA and PUNKY arrest LIBBY.)
PATTY, JENNY, and LIBBY
Spare us, Queen of the Mall!
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
Your wrinkled heads will remain on your bodies, but you will be banished forever.
PATTY, JENNY, and LIBBY
You are merciful, Queen Lexy.
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
Is it all clear to you now, Thadeus?
TAD RONITZ
Yes. I am the King of the Mall. And you are my Queen.
(LEXY goes to TAD and takes his arm. All the others kneel before the royal couple.)
LEXY KLINGHOFFER
From time to time, a spell falls upon us. We become obsessed by the things in the mall and forget who we are. We persecute strangers and abuse each other. Then someone we love dies, and the spell is broken. Things in the mall cost more than we can afford to pay, and my king and I have paid the highest price of all. Our son had to die so we could remember who we are. Beware the spell of the mall.
REST OF CAST
Beware the spell of the mall.
END OF PLAY