Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2005
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 45 minutes.
• style: satirical realism
• suitable for general audiences
• 20 characters (11 female, 9 male)
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Dr. Nancy” tries to get through her first day at her new counselling clinic in the inner city, but discovers that her dream of helping others is great deal more taxing than she’d anticipated.
(This play was first performed on March 1, 2, 3, 4, & 7, in the year 2005, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
Go to:
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Scene 25
CHARACTERS:
Nancy Goody, a “counsellor”
Nimbus Task, her “handy-helper”
Constable Ned Tread, city police
Constable Meg McNab, city police
Burk Rooter, plumber
Bunny Trowbridge, old woman who lives upstairs
Duff Brown, old man who lives upstairs
Roxy Packer, a high school dropout
Ricky Splitz, Roxy’s best friend
Fantasy Charm, social worker
Calamity Bugdorf, homeless wanderer
Tucker Bacon, homeless wanderer
Shorty Dingle, a street kid
Corky Lion, a street kid
Taffy Milder, volunteer worker at the Golden Camel Detox Centre
Herman Diesel, volunteer worker at the Golden Camel Detox Centre
Red Tater, an habitual criminal just released from jail
Mona Taproot, barmaid
Drew Worthington, street poet and prophet
Delaney Hart, his admirer and disciple
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 1:
(DR. NANCY and NIMBUS TASK are on stage as the lights come up. NIMBUS has a trashbag.)
DR. NANCY
So what do you think of my new counselling clinic, Nimbus?
NIMBUS TASK
Kind of beat up, Dr. Nancy.
DR. NANCY
This is Skid Row, Nimbus. Everything is “beat up” around here.
NIMBUS TASK
I could give the place a nice paint job for you…maybe put up some drapes…
DR. NANCY
No, no. I want the place to look rough, so my clients will feel at home.
NIMBUS TASK
The toilet’s not working.
DR. NANCY
That’s a little too rough. Better call a plumber.
NIMBUS TASK
Will do. Dr. Nancy, if you don’t mind me asking, why’d you decide to spend your inheritance on a counselling clinic on Skid Row?
DR. NANCY
I want to help poor people, Nimbus. After all, I’ve been in university for five years, and now I want to give something back to the world.
NIMBUS TASK
And you think you know how to help the poor?
DR. NANCY
I’ve taken lots of courses in psychology and counselling. I’m fully prepared.
NIMBUS TASK
I don’t know, Dr. Nancy. Fancy schoolin’ ain’t the same as “hands-on” experience. The word “naïve” comes to mind.
DR. NANCY
Nimbus Task, must I remind you that you’re my “handy-helper”, hired to assist me with custodial tasks, etcetera. You stick to your area of expertise, and I’ll stick to mine.
NIMBUS TASK
Yes’m.
DR. NANCY
What’s in that trash bag?
NIMBUS TASK
Used needles and condoms and empty liquor bottles. I did a little cleaning up before you arrived.
DR. NANCY
Needles, condoms, and liquor bottles.
(taking a deep breath and letting it out with gusto)
Ah, Nimbus, I feel as though I’ve finally “arrived”.
NIMBUS TASK
Uh huh.
DR. NANCY
Take that trash round back and throw it in the dumpster in the alley, Nimbus.
NIMBUS TASK
You’re the boss, Dr. Nancy.
(He exits.)
DR. NANCY
I feel it is my destiny to help the suffering poor! I wonder who my first client will be?
(CONSTABLE NED TREAD and CONSTABLE MEG McNAB enter.)
CONSTABLE TREAD
Well, what do we got here?
CONSTABLE McNAB
A new tenant in an old crap hole.
DR. NANCY
I’m Doctor Nancy Goody, officers, and this is to be my counselling clinic for the needy.
CONSTABLE TREAD
You got a business license?
CONSTABLE McNAB
You got a permit to operate a social service in this old crap hole?
DR. NANCY
Why, yes I do, though I don’t have it with me at the moment.
CONSTABLE TREAD
Well now, Constable McNab and I don’t necessarily believe you, Doc.
CONSTABLE McNAB
Constable Tread and I got a little hunch you’re dealing drugs in this old crap hole.
DR. NANCY
That’s ridiculous. I’m here to help.
CONSTABLE TREAD
Is that so? We’ll be keeping an eye on you, Doc.
CONSTABLE McNAB
So watch your step…you got that?
(They exit.)
DR. NANCY
(to herself)
Perhaps they’re suffering from compassion fatigue.
End of Scene 1.
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 2:
(BUNNY TROWBRIDGE enters, unseen by DR. NANCY)
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
What do we got here? A hooker? You’re in the wrong place, honey. No johns around here, just drunks and junkies…drunks and junkies.
DR. NANCY
Oh! You startled me!
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
Did I, honey? Well, now, no need to be scared. I’m just an old woman, an old, old woman.
DR. NANCY
I was just standing here, alone with my thoughts, pondering my future, my destiny. I didn’t see you come in.
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
You don’t talk like a hooker.
DR. NANCY
Oh, I’m not a “hooker”. I’m the new tenant of this facility. My name’s Nancy Goody. You may call me “Dr. Nancy”.
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
May I indeed, hmmmm? May I indeed. And just what kind of doctor are you, honey?
DR. NANCY
I’m a counsellor…trained in psychology…I’m here to help.
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
You sure are a skinny little thing. You broke or something? Can’t afford a square meal?
DR. NANCY
Oh, no, no…I’m just careful about what I eat.
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
You mean you’ve got enough money to buy good food but don’t?
DR. NANCY
I like to stay trim.
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
(digesting this information for a moment)
You one of them “anorexics”?
DR. NANCY
Good heavens, no.
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
Then why the hell don’t you eat right?
DR. NANCY
We’re not getting off to a very good start, are we. Do you mind telling me your name?
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
I’m Bunny Trowbridge, and proud of it. Call me “Bunny”. I live right above your head.
DR. NANCY
Above my head?
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
(pointing up)
There’s rooms up there, or hadn’t you noticed?
DR. NANCY
Oh, I see. I thought perhaps the rest of the building was empty.
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
Them rooms are small and dirty, but they’re better than the street.
DR. NANCY
Yes, I’m sure they are.
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
You’re a cold one, aren’t you!
DR. NANCY
Cold?
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
You talk like a machine.
(mimicking DR. NANCY)
“Yes, I’m sure they are!”
DR. NANCY
I’m sorry, Ms. Trowbridge. I don’t mean to be cold.
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
Cold and skinny…cold and skinny. Call me “Bunny” for god’s sake.
DR. NANCY
All right…“Bunny”.
(RED TATER enters, with MONA TAPROOT, who has her arm hooked to his.)
RED TATER
You got any spare rooms?
MONA TAPROOT
Red just got out of jail and he needs a place to stay.
DR. NANCY
I’m sorry, I’m not the landlord.
RED TATER
Don’t give me that. You won’t rent me a room because I’m a criminal.
MONA TAPROOT
Red’s done his time. You got to treat him decent, not like an animal.
DR. NANCY
No, really…I’m not the landlord.
RED TATER
Then just what the hell are you?
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
A cold, skinny little thing…that’s what she is.
MONA TAPROOT
You’re not from around here. I sling beer over at the Royal Albert, and I ain’t never seen you in there.
DR. NANCY
I’m new…and I don’t drink beer…and this is my counselling clinic.
RED TATER
Yeah? Well, maybe me and Mona want this room. Maybe we want to shack up in here.
DR. NANCY
But I’ve leased the room for six months.
MONA TAPROOT
C’mon, Red, let’s go find the landlord and get her kicked out.
(They exit.)
End of Scene 2.
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 3:
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
I’ve got to warn you about Duff.
DR. NANCY
Duff?
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
Duff Brown.
(pointing upwards)
He lives up there too. Filthy old man. Mean, too.
DR. NANCY
What do you mean by “filthy”?
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
Lives like a pig up there. Whatever goes into that room of his never comes out. God knows how he manages to squeeze himself in there, with all that junk stuffed in every nook and cranny.
(DUFF BROWN enters)
DUFF BROWN
Are you complaining about me again, Bunny Trowbridge?
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
You bet, you old badger! Smelly old thing.
(indicating DR. NANCY)
This cold, skinny little piece of work calls herself “Dr. Nancy”.
DUFF BROWN
(gallantly taking her hand and kissing it)
Duff Brown at your service, madam.
DR. NANCY
Mr. Brown.
DUFF BROWN
My, you are a picture! What brings such a lovely young maiden to our squalid sector?
DR. NANCY
I’ve leased this office space. I’m opening a counselling clinic for the poor.
DUFF BROWN
Perhaps Ms. Trowbridge could be your first client. She is in much need of psychiatric help.
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
Why, you old coot! Who are you calling crazy? You’re as wacky as a brain-damaged weasel. If you want to try fixing someone, Dr.Nancy, try fixing him, and good luck to you!
DR. NANCY
I’d be happy to help both of you.
DUFF BROWN
Then perhaps you could loan me fifty dollars. That would be a great help.
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
Don’t waste your money on the old coot. He’ll spend it all on lottery tickets.
DUFF BROWN
I have a system! Soon, I shall collect the grand prize and lift myself out of this squalor once and for all!
(DUFF wanders away from the other two.)
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
(whispering)
If he’d saved his money instead of gambling, he wouldn’t be here in the first place.
(louder)
And why are you here, young woman? Why’d you waste your money on this dump?
DR. NANCY
I want to help people like you and Mr. Brown over there.
DUFF BROWN
Just fifty dollars, Dr. Nancy. Surely you can spare fifty dollars?
DR. NANCY
(taking money from her purse)
I’ll give you ten dollars if you promise to buy food with it.
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
Don’t be a fool…his promises are worth nothing.
DUFF BROWN
(taking the money from her)
Wonderful! I will hurry down to the convenience store and purchase a supply of macaroni and cheese.
(He exits.)
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
I’m going to follow him and make sure he keeps that promise.
(She exits.)
End of Scene 3.
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 4:
(SHORTY DINGLE, holding a doll, runs in, chased by CORKY LION.)
CORKY LION
Give me back my dolly, Shorty Dingle, or I’ll kick you in the nuts!
SHORTY DINGLE
Gotta catch me first, Corky. Hey lady! Here!
(He throws the doll to DR. NANCY. She catches it.)
DR. NANCY
Here’s your doll, little girl.
(She offers the doll to CORKY.)
SHORTY DINGLE
She got it out of the garbage.
CORKY LION
(taking the doll)
So?
SHORTY DINGLE
So it stinks like you!
CORKY LION
(rushing at him, and beating him with the doll)
I’m gonna kill you, Shorty Dingle! I’m gonna bash you until you’re dead!
(He breaks free and exits.)
DR. NANCY
Do you live around here?
CORKY LION
Mabye I do, maybe I don’t!
(She sticks her tongue out at DR. NANCY and exits, pushing FANTASY CHARM out of the way as she enters)
FANTASY CHARM
Why didn’t you restrain those children?
DR. NANCY
Pardon?
FANTASY CHARM
They’re out of control, running around the neighbourhood like a pair of little demons.
DR. NANCY
And you are…?
FANTASY CHARM
(pointing to her name tag)
Ms. Charm, the social worker? Can’t you read?
DR. NANCY
Well, Ms. Charm, perhaps you’re the one who should restrain those children.
FANTASY CHARM
Everyone in this neighbourhood must share the burden of caring for each other. What’s your name and what are you doing here?
DR. NANCY
I’m Dr. Nancy Goody and this is my counselling clinic. It’s my first day.
FANTASY CHARM
Come here to patronize the needy, did you?
DR. NANCY
To do my part to help them.
FANTASY CHARM
You’re invading my turf.
DR. NANCY
Your turf?
FANTASY CHARM
I’m the counsellor-queen of Skid Row. Everyone here knows me and loves me, even though I keep a very low profile.
DR. NANCY
How wonderful for you.
FANTASY CHARM
It’s obvious that you’re deeply troubled.
DR. NANCY
I’m fine.
FANTASY CHARM
Deeply in denial.
DR. NANCY
No I’m not!
FANTASY CHARM
Then why are your fists clenched?
DR. NANCY
(looking down at her clenched fists and releasing them)
You’re provoking a “fight or flight” response in me.
FANTASY CHARM
You seem to be rather paranoid.
DR. NANCY
Stop!
FANTASY CHARM
I shall have to take you under my wing and help you complete your journey, Dr. Goody. Yes, I will make you my highest priority.
(She exits.)
End of Scene 4.
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 5:
(NIMBUS TASK enters with the trash)
NIMBUS TASK
I couldn’t throw this in the dumpster, Dr. Nancy. There was someone in there.
DR. NANCY
In the dumpster?
NIMBUS TASK
You bet…two of them…rummaging around in there and singing a song about whales and sailors.
DR. NANCY
Maybe you should have left the trash beside the dumpster.
NIMBUS TASK
Uh-uh. They wanted to look through this bag, but there’s dirty needles in there, so I ran back here with it.
(CALAMITY BUGDORF and TUCKER BACON enter and begin to stalk NIMBUS.)
CALAMITY BUGDORF
All right, hand over that trash bag!
TUCKER BACON
You don’t need it…we do!
NIMBUS TASK
It’s full of filth.
TUCKER BACON
One man’s garbage is another man’s treasure.
DR. NANCY
I’m sorry, but I can’t allow you to have that trash.
CALAMITY BUGDORF
And just who the heck are you?
TUCKER BACON
Little Miss Fancy Pants?
DR. NANCY
I’m Dr. Nancy, and this is my counselling clinic.
CALAMITY BUGDORF
You don’t look like no doctor.
TUCKER BACON
Just a skinny kid.
NIMBUS TASK
She’s been to university.
CALAMITY BUGDORF
University? So you think you’re better than us?
TUCKER BACON
Come here to teach us how to be “normal”?
DR. NANCY
I just want to help…
CALAMITY BUGDORF
You can’t even help yourself….look at you, stuffed full of fancy university words so there’s no more room in your brain to do some real thinking!
TUCKER BACON
You gonna give us that bag of trash or what?
NIMBUS TASK
There’s contaminated needles in there.
CALAMITY BUGDORF
Who cares? I’m already infected, so it don’t make no difference to me.
TUCKER BACON
Calamity’s already had her calamity. Get it? Calamity?
CALAMITY BUGDORF
Ha, ha, very funny, Tucker.
(to the others)
I don’t do drugs no more.
TUCKER BACON
She don’t even take drugs for the H.I.V.
CALAMITY BUGDORF
I’m dying natural. I’m all through with drugs.
DR. NANCY
You don’t have to die…there’s lots of good treatments for H.I.V. now.
CALAMITY BUGDORF
I got no money, no place to live…what’s the point.
DR. NANCY
You could get help through welfare.
TUCKER BACON
She hates the welfare. Won’t go near them social workers. Says they’re children of the Devil.
CALAMITY BUGDORF
(to Nancy)
Just like you…Miss Fancy Nancy do-gooder…don’t know your arse from a hole in the ground.
DR. NANCY
I don’t understand why you want to insult me. I’ve done nothing to hurt you.
TUCKER BACON
It hurts her just to see people like you in the world…not hungry, not cold, all full of big ideas about “saving” people. But you can’t even save yourself.
DR. NANCY
I’m just fine, thank you very much.
CALAMITY BUGDORF
Want to prove it? Give me and Tucker twenty bucks.
TUCKER BACON
That’s the best way to help us.
CALAMITY BUGDORF
Twenty bucks with no strings attached.
NIMBUS TASK
They’re conning you, Dr. Nancy.
DR. NANCY
What would you do with the money?
CALAMITY BUGDORF
Get a hot meal and a shower down at the mission shelter.
DR. NANCY
Here’s twenty dollars.
(gives CALAMITY a bill)
I hope that proves I really am here to help.
TUCKER BACON
Your conscience feel better now?
(TUCKER and CALAMITY exit.)
NIMBUS TASK
She’s not HIV positive.
DR. NANCY
How do you know?
NIMBUS TASK
I’ve been around the block enough times to know those two played you like a fish on a hook.
DR. NANCY
Thanks for the vote of confidence. Could you take that trash out to the dumpster again? It makes me uncomfortable.
NIMBUS TASK
You’re the boss.
DR. NANCY
You’re being ironic.
NIMBUS TASK
If you say so. You’re the boss.
(NIMBUS exits as CONSTABLES TREAD and McNAB enter.)
CONSTABLE TREAD
Been doing a little business with Calamity Bugdorf and Tucker Bacon?
CONSTABLE McNAB
Giving them cash to buy you drugs?
DR. NANCY
Those two who just left here? I gave them money to buy themselves a hot meal and a shower.
CONSTABLE TREAD
Sure, and I’m a monkey in a spacesuit.
CONSTABLE McNAB
You got to be careful who you give money to.
CONSTABLE TREAD
Got to be real careful.
CONSTABLE McNAB
You just might end up in a nice, comfy jail cell.
CONSTABLE TREAD
Got to be real careful.
(They exit.)
End of Scene 5.
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 6:
(DREW WORTHINGTON and DELANEY HART enter.)
DREW WORTHINGTON
Good morning, fair madam. I am here to bring you greetings from the street.
DELANEY HART
This is Drew Worthington…THE Drew Worthington…
DR. NANCY
I’m sorry, I don’t recognize the name…
DELANEY HART
Phillistine! Mr. Worthington, the famous poet and prophet!
DR. NANCY
I’m afraid I haven’t had the honour…
DREW WORTHINGTON
Well, now you have had the honour! And your name is?
DR. NANCY
Dr. Nancy…
DREW WORTHINGTON
Well, “Dr. Nancy”, I must recite to you my poem of greeting:
Good madam and fair counsellor,
You have opened up your store.
And to your store the poor will flock
They’ll give you such a painful shock.
DELANEY HART
(clapping excitedly)
Bravo, Mr. Worthington, bravo!
DREW WORTHINGTON
Thank you, Miss Delaney. But note! The good doctor does not applaud! Perhaps she is displeased?
DR. NANCY
(clapping briefly)
No, no…that was very nice…
DREW WORTHINGTON
Come, Miss Delaney…I must compose more poetry.
(bowing gallantly)
Farewell, Dr. Nancy…farewell!
(DREW and DELANEY exit.)
End of Scene 6.
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 7:
(TAFFY MILDER and HERMAN DIESEL enter. They stare at DR. NANCY.)
DR. NANCY
Can I help you?
TAFFY MILDER
You’re new around here.
HERMAN DIESEL
You work for the government?
DR. NANCY
No, no. I work for myself. I’m Dr. Nancy, and this is my new counselling clinic.
TAFFY MILDER
I’m Taffy…Taffy Milder, and this is Herman Diesel, my co-worker.
HERMAN DIESEL
We volunteer over at the Golden Camel Detox Centre.
DR. NANCY
The Golden Camel? That’s an unusual name.
TAFFY MILDER
It used to be a bar. They kept the name.
HERMAN DIESEL
Used to be a place to get drunk. Now it’s a place to dry out.
TAFFY MILDER
It’s symbolic…you know, keeping the name of the bar as the name of the detox centre?
DR. NANCY
I admire volunteers who help those in need.
HERMAN DIESEL
I’m a reformed alcoholic. I got to do my bit to help my fellow drunks.
TAFFY MILDER
I’m an alky, too. Once a drunk, always a drunk, even when you’re dry.
DR. NANCY
Then I guess you know all about alcohol addiction.
HERMAN DIESEL
You could say that. But talking about it isn’t the same as living it.
TAFFY MILDER
If the drunks at the detox centre want to talk, we’re there to listen.
HERMAN DIESEL
But most of the time, the folks we’re trying to help don’t want nothing to do with us.
DR. NANCY
That’s been my experience as well.
TAFFY MILDER
Having a rough time, are you?
DR. NANCY
So far I’ve given away thirty dollars and been called a skinny, cold, do-gooder who doesn’t know my arse from a hole in the ground.
HERMAN DIESEL
You got to put up with a lot of abuse around here.
TAFFY MILDER
And scams.
DR. NANCY
I’ve only been open for an hour, and already my project seems hopeless.
HERMAN DIESEL
They’re just testing you, giving you the gears.
TAFFY MILDER
They want to teach you humility.
HERMAN DIESEL
If you want to help people, you can’t come across like you’re better than them.
DR. NANCY
I guess I must seem kind of arrogant, coming into their neighbourhood and claiming to be some kind of saint who’s going to save them all.
TAFFY MILDER
It’s your first day. You’ll learn.
HERMAN DIESEL
Well, we got to get back to the centre.
TAFFY MILDER
We’ll check in on you later.
(TAFFY and HERMAN exit.)
End of Scene 7.
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 8:
(CORKY LION runs in holding SHORTY DINGLE’s pants. SHORTY has a knife.)
SHORTY DINGLE
Give me back my pants, Corky, or I’ll chop you up!
CORKY LION
You look stupid without your pants, Shorty! Here!
(throwing SHORTY’s pants to DR. NANCY)
I don’t want those smelly old things anymore!
SHORTY DINGLE
(advancing on DR. NANCY)
Gimme my pants, lady, or I’ll hack you with my blade!
(CONSTABLES TREAD and McNAB enter.)
CONSTABLE TREAD
Hold up there, Shorty!
(SHORTY stops.)
CONSTABLE McNAB
What’re you doing with Shorty’s pants, Doc?
CONSTABLE TREAD
There’s laws against taking off a kid’s pants.
DR. NANCY
I didn’t take them off…
CORKY LION
Yes, she did! She pushed him down and pulled of his pants!
SHORTY DINGLE
No she didn’t! Corky pulled them off and gave them to that woman!
CONSTABLE McNAB
It’s not nice to use children to hurt other children, Doc.
CONSTABLE TREAD
Give the boy his pants, nice and easy.
(DR. NANCY gives SHORTY his pants. SHORTY puts them on immediately.)
CONSTABLE McNAB
We’ll give you a break this time, Doc.
CONSTABLE TREAD
You’re new around here. You don’t know no better. Shorty and Corky, get the heck out of here.
(they run out. Constables McNAB and TREAD silently watch DR. NANCY for a while, then turn and exit.)
End of Scene 8.
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 9:
(NIMBUS TASK enters with BURK ROOTER.)
NIMBUS TASK
Dr. Nancy, this is Burk Rooter. He’s a plumber.
BURK ROOTER
And proud of it.
DR. NANCY
Apparently our toilet does not function, Mr. Rooter.
BURK ROOTER
Well now, that would explain why your legs are crossed so tight.
DR. NANCY
Pardon?
BURK ROOTER
A joke!
DR. NANCY
My legs aren’t crossed.
BURK ROOTER
But you got to admit you’re tense.
DR. NANCY
If you’re a plumber, why don’t you plumb, instead of discussing my level of tension?
NIMBUS TASK
You want me to show you the toilet?
BURK ROOTER
Anyone need to pee? Anyone? No? Then what’s the hurry? So, you’re a counsellor.
DR. NANCY
Yes I am.
BURK ROOTER
Maybe you can help me. I need a truck, see, and I can’t decide between a rusty Ford with a good engine or a rust-free Chevy with a bad engine. What should I do, Doc?
DR. NANCY
I don’t know anything about trucks.
BURK ROOTER
It’s six of one, and half a dozen of the other.
DR. NANCY
Yes, well, why don’t you just toss a coin?
BURK ROOTER
What the hell for?
DR. NANCY
If it lands heads up, buy the Ford…it it’s tails, buy the Chevy.
BURK ROOTER
Are you making fun of me?
NIMBUS TASK
She’s just tense.
BURK ROOTER
I ask her a serious question, and she tells me to flip a coin?
DR. NANCY
I don’t know anything about trucks.
BURK ROOTER
Then what kind of counsellor are you?
NIMBUS TASK
She wants to help the poor.
BURK ROOTER
What makes her think I’m rich?
DR. NANCY
I don’t think you’re rich.
BURK ROOTER
Then why don’t you help me solve my problem?
DR. NANCY
It’s not the sort of problem I’m trained to solve.
NIMBUS TASK
She’s a psychological counsellor.
BURK ROOTER
Well, why didn’t she say so?
DR. NANCY
I’m right here…don’t talk about me as if I’m somewhere else.
BURK ROOTER
You sure are tense.
DR. NANCY
Well, that’s not surprising, is it, considering I’m having a ridiculous argument with a plumber.
BURK ROOTER
You’re not better than me.
DR. NANCY
I didn’t say I was.
BURK ROOTER
Plumbers are useful, productive people.
DR. NANCY
And I suppose I’m not?
BURK ROOTER
You said it, not me.
NIMBUS TASK
You want me to show you that toilet?
DR. NANCY
Yes, show him the damn toilet! Let’s see just how productive he is.
BURK ROOTER
Why are you talking about me as if I’m somewhere else?
NIMBUS TASK
Do you want me to show you that toilet?
DR. NANCY
Mr. Rooter, I can see that you are tremendously insecure about being a plumber. So why don’t you prove your competence and earn my respect by repairing my toilet?
BURK ROOTER
You got a boyfriend?
DR. NANCY
What?
BURK ROOTER
Seems to me you need someone.
DR. NANCY
You’re way out of line, mister.
NIMBUS TASK
Maybe we should just forget about the toilet.
BURK ROOTER
No, no. Show me that crapper. I’ll fix it so good it’ll flush a watermelon.
DR. NANCY
That’ll be the day.
BURK ROOTER
What’s that? What’s that?
DR. NANCY
I said, THAT WILL BE THE DAY!
BURK ROOTER
Take me to that damned can! I’ll show her how to make a toilet behave itself!
NIMBUS TASK
Right this way.
(NIMBUS and BURK ROOTER exit.)
DR. NANCY Maybe I’m having a nightmare.
(pinching herself)
Ow! I guess not.
End of Scene 9.
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 10:
(FANTASY CHARM enters.)
FANTASY CHARM
Feeling any better?
DR. NANCY
I don’t want to talk about it.
FANTASY CHARM
Come now, surely you can tell old Fantasy all about your little problems?
DR. NANCY
Fantasy?
FANTASY CHARM
My first name…Fantasy…isn’t it lovely? Fantasy Charm. Such a perfect name for a social worker with a heart of gold.
DR. NANCY
You’re not really a social worker, are you.
FANTASY CHARM
I’m social and I work. That ought to be good enough for you. May I use your toilet?
DR. NANCY
It’s not functioning at the moment. There’s a plumber in there.
FANTASY CHARM
That’s all right…I’m good with toilets and plumbers.
(FANTASY exits.)
End of Scene 10.
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 11:
(DREW WORTHINGTON and DELANEY HART enter.)
DREW WORTHINGTON
What luck! The good doctor is “in”!
DELANEY HART
You’ve become Mr. Worthington’s inspiration!
DREW WORTHINGTON
I have composed yet another immortal poem about you, Dr. Nancy.
DELANEY HART
It’s a thing of beauty!
DREW WORTHINGTON
May I?
DR. NANCY
Well, it can’t be any worse than anything else that’s happened to me.
DELANEY HART
Dr. Nancy, that’s not a very enthusiastic response.
DREW WORTHINGTON
No, no…I respect her dark and brooding nature…it moves me and helps guide my creative spirit.
(launching forth)
Dr. Nancy, your beauty moves me to tears
I can sense your struggle; I can feel your fears…
You move like a kitty and you smell like a daisy
And I’m here to tell you you’re going crazy!
DELANEY HART
Bravo, Mr. Worthington! How splendid! How rapturous! How exquisitely beautiful.
DR. NANCY
I’m going crazy?
DREW WORTHINGTON
Don’t worry, dear Dr. Nancy, crazy is a place we must all go at least once in our lifetimes. Adieu! Adieu!
(He and Ms. Hart exit.)
End of Scene 11.
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 12:
(CALAMITY BUGDORF and TUCKER BACON enter.)
CALAMITY BUGDORF
Someone stole that twenty bucks you gave us.
TUCKER BACON
This big guy with a beard pushed me over and grabbed it right out of my hand.
DR. NANCY
But I gave the money to her, not to you.
CALAMITY BUGDORF
Are you calling us liars?
TUCKER BACON
We’re cold, hungry, dirty, and we’re victims of a crime, and you call us liars?
CALAMITY BUGDORF
Give us ten bucks…then at least we can get a hot meal down at the mission.
TUCKER BACON
Just ten bucks. Half is better than nothing.
CALAMITY BUGDORF
We’re saving you money…only ten bucks…
DR. NANCY
I don’t know whether you’re telling the truth or not, but I’ll give you ten dollars on condition that it’s the last time you beg for money from me.
TUCKER BACON
We’re not begging. We’re letting you help us.
CALAMITY BUGDORF
Isn’t that what you want to do? Help people?
TUCKER BACON
We’re doing you a favour, helping your dreams come true!
(TUCKER snatches the money from her and they exit, passing NIMBUS TASK, who eyes them as they leave.)
NIMBUS TASK
Did you give them more money?
DR. NANCY
Only ten dollars.
NIMBUS TASK
There’s one born every minute.
DR. NANCY
One what?
NIMBUS TASK
Sucker.
DR. NANCY
I’m not a “sucker”…I’m just a little confused…a little uncertain how to proceed.
NIMBUS TASK
When in doubt about which way to go, don’t go anywhere. Now if you’ll excuse me for a jiffy, Dr. Nancy, I’ve got to get some fresh air…that washroom smells real bad.
(He exits.)
DR. NANCY
(shouting after him)
It was worth giving them the money just to get them out of here.
End of Scene 12.
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 13:
(ROXY PACKER and RICKY SPLITZ enter)
RICKY SPLITZ
Hey, there’s someone in here.
ROXY PACKER
You got any spare change?
RICKY SPLITZ
We need bus fare.
DR. NANCY
No, I don’t have any “spare change”.
ROXY PACKER
Where are all the junkies?
RICKY SPLITZ
There used to be junkies in here.
ROXY PACKER
Shooting up and that.
DR. NANCY
I know. We found needles.
RICKY SPLITZ
You don’t look like a junkie.
DR. NANCY
I’m not…I’m supposed to be a counsellor.
ROXY PACKER
Supposed to be?
DR. NANCY
I’m fresh out of university. It’s my first day, and I’m not doing so well.
RICKY SPLITZ
But you got “education”. Me and Roxy are what they call “high school dropouts”.
ROXY PACKER
High school sucks in the worst way.
DR. NANCY
What are you doing down here on Skid Row?
RICKY SPLITZ
Came down here to find a place to live.
ROXY PACKER
This is where we’re gonna end up anyways, so we got to check it out.
RICKY SPLITZ
We got to get used to it.
ROXY PACKER
It’s not so bad. No worse than the suburbs.
RICKY SPLITZ
No worse than high school.
DR. NANCY
At least high schools are clean.
ROXY PACKER
Are you kidding? You seen a high school hallway lately?
RICKY SPLITZ
Spilled pop, bits of food, crumpled handouts, graffiti on the walls…
ROXY PACKER
Kids lying around like drugged-out rejects with dazed looks on their faces…
RICKY SPLITZ
Or shouting and screaming like idiots about stupid, meaningless stuff…
ROXY PACKER
‘Cause they got stupid, meaningless lives in stupid, meaningless suburbs…
DR. NANCY
I enjoyed high school.
RICKY SPLITZ
Yeah, you look like the type that likes school.
ROXY PACKER
The kind that studies hard, sucks up to the teachers, gets the lead role in the school play.
RICKY SPLITZ
I bet you were Juliet in “Romeo and Juliet”…
DR. NANCY
No. I was “Sandy” in “Grease”.
ROXY PACKER
Same thing.
RICKY SPLITZ
Why are you down here in this nasty little room?
DR. NANCY
I’m starting a counselling service.
ROXY PACKER
On your own?
DR. NANCY
I know it seems naïve, but my heart told me this is what I must do.
RICKY SPLITZ
You won’t last long.
ROXY PACKER
After a couple of days, you’ll pack up and go running back to the ‘burbs.
RICKY SPLITZ
You’re just down here trying to get rid of your middle class guilt.
ROXY PACKER
Just like Ricky and me are down here trying to get rid of the middle class, period.
DR. NANCY
Everyone I meet is so hostile towards me.
ROXY PACKER
It’s hostile everywhere…only here, they’re more direct.
RICKY SPLITZ
Out in the burbs, the hostility’s masked by manicured lawns, two-car garages, and soccer moms who are all polite on the outside but all hurt and angry on the inside.
ROXY PACKER
Like my mom. She always has way too much wine with dinner. Says she needs it to “wind down”. Then next thing you know she’s having some stupid, pointless argument with my dad about whether or not to put laminate flooring in the foyer.
RICKY SPLITZ
It sucks everywhere.
DR. NANCY
Does it?
ROXY PACKER
You sure you don’t have any spare change?
DR. NANCY
If you’re from the suburbs, why don’t you have money?
RICKY SPLITZ
We just made a deposit on a room.
(pointing up)
Up there.
DR. NANCY
In this building?
ROXY PACKER
We can move in any time.
RICKY SPLITZ
We need to go back to the burbs and pick up some of our stuff.
DR. NANCY
Well, here’s ten dollars. But that doesn’t mean I approve of your decision.
ROXY PACKER
(taking the money)
What you think’s not important.
RICKY SPLITZ
It’s what you do that counts.
(ROXY and RICKY exit.)
End of Scene 13.
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 14:
(FANTASY CHARM enters)
FANTASY CHARM
Your plumber is working hard on that toilet.
DR. NANCY
I’m sorry you couldn’t use it.
FANTASY CHARM
What makes you think I didn’t?
DR. NANCY
Is it necessary for you to be so mysterious all the time?
FANTASY CHARM
Well, I am Fantasy Charm, after all, and mystery is truth, because the truth is mysterious.
DR. NANCY
Are you some sort of guardian angel?
FANTASY CHARM
We’re all supposed to look after each other…to be each other’s guardian angels.
DR. NANCY
That’s what I’m trying to do.
FANTASY CHARM
Wrong. You think you can do all the helping. You don’t understand that you need to be helped. Now excuse me, I’m going to go see the plumber again…he needs my help.
(FANTASYT exits.)
End of Scene 14.
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 15:
(TAFFY MILDER and HERMAN DIESEL enter)
TAFFY MILDER
Hey ho! How’s she hangin’?
HERMAN DIESEL
We’re back, just like we said.
TAFFY MILDER
Not much action down at the detox centre.
HERMAN DIESEL
Had to hold a man down while we waited for the ambulance…
TAFFY MILDER
He was writhing like a snake and hollering stuff about reptiles eating his brain.
HERMAN DIESEL
Had the D.T.’s…you know…hallucinations.
TAFFY MILDER
Hard core alcoholic…practically pickled from all that booze.
HERMAN DIESEL
When those hard core alkies go cold turkey, they see things.
DR. NANCY
Poor man.
TAFFY MILDER
Don’t know why alcohol’s a socially acceptable drug.
HERMAN DIESEL
It’s damned dangerous and highly toxic.
TAFFY MILDER
Booze is legal, and marijuana’s illegal. Should be the other way round.
DR. NANCY
I’m against all substance abuse.
HERMAN DIESEL
How they been treating you?
TAFFY MILDER
Still giving you a hard time?
DR. NANCY
It’s all very confusing.
HERMAN DIESEL
That’s what makes it exciting.
TAFFY MILDER
We got to check the alleys for passed-out drunks.
HERMAN DIESEL
We’ll check in on you later.
(TAFFY and HERMAN exit.)
End of Scene 15.
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 16:
(NIMBUS TASK enters with RED TATER and MONA TAPROOT, and CONSTABLES TREAD and McNAB.)
NIMBUS TASK
These two say the office is theirs now.
RED TATER
That’s right. Me and Mona rented it.
MONA TAPROOT
(waving a piece of paper)
Here’s the agreement.
DR. NANCY
But that’s impossible!
NIMBUS TASK
Maybe you should take a look at that piece of paper, Dr. Nancy.
MONA TAPROOT
Go ahead. See for yourself.
(MONA hands the paper to DR. NANCY.)
DR. NANCY
But this is just scribble! It’s completely illegible!
RED TATER
Just ‘cause you can’t read it don’t mean it’s not legal!
CONSTABLE TREAD
All right, all right…let’s just settle down.
CONSTABLE McNAB
Red Tater here is just out of jail. He’s trying to start a new life with his loyal girlfriend Mona.
CONSTABLE TREAD
You wouldn’t be trying to spoil his fresh start, would you, Doc?
DR. NANCY
I don’t want to stand in the way of his happiness…but this is my office! And this piece of paper is nothing but a lot of childish scribble!
(MONA snatches the paper away from her)
MONA TAPROOT
It’s what you call “legal writing”…only lawyers can read it.
DR. NANCY
That’s ridiculous!
RED TATER
Don’t you go calling my girlfriend “ridiculous”. She made it through high school and never got caught for cheating!
NIMBUS TASK
Officers, I work for Dr. Nancy, and I can vouch for her. She leased this place for six months, starting today.
RED TATER
She don’t got a piece of paper with scribble on it, and neither does he.
MONA TAPROOT
We got a paper! We got a paper! Kick her out, officers!
CONSTABLE TREAD
Let me have a look at that document.
RED TATER
You’re not a lawyer.
MONA TAPROOT
It’s for lawyers only!
CONSTABLE McNAB
You wouldn’t be pulling our leg, now would you, Red?
RED TATER
Who, me? I got nothing but respect for the law.
MONA TAPROOT
He did time for armed robbery! Of course he respects the law!
NIMBUS TASK
Now, officers, Dr. Nancy is fresh out of university. She’s never robbed anyone or been in jail.
RED TATER
Watch yourself, little fella! I’ve killed men for saying less than that!
MONA TAPROOT
Red! Your big mouth!
RED TATER
Damn!
CONSTABLE TREAD
“Killed men”? Did I hear you right, Red?
MONA TAPROOT
No! He said “thrilled”…he “thrilled”men for saying less than that.
CONSTABLE McNAB
I don’t feel too thrilled…but maybe that’s because I’m a woman.
RED TATER
I could thrill you, Officer McNab…I can thrill any woman!
MONA TAPROOT
I’m not gonna shack up with you if you go around thrilling other women, Red!
RED TATER
You know what I mean, Mona…I can thrill other women, but you’re the only one I want to thrill.
MONA TAPROOT
Oh, Red, I love it when you talk all whiny and weak!
(They embrace passionately.)
CONSTABLE TREAD
I think now would be a good time to leave these two lovebirds in their new lovenest.
DR. NANCY
But it’s not their “lovenest”…it’s my clinic!
RED TATER
Me and Mona are gonna go back to my hotel room because we have needs. But when we’re through, we’re coming back here with a lawyer!
(RED and MONA exit.)
NIMBUS TASK
Love knows no boundaries.
CONSTABLE McNAB
Come on, Constable Tread…nothing more we can do here…let’s go check the dumpsters for divers.
(The CONSATABLES exit.)
End of Scene 16.
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 17:
(BURK ROOTER enters.)
BURK ROOTER
Looks like you got big problems with that toilet, Doc.
DR. NANCY
Where’s Ms. Charm, the social worker?
BURK ROOTER
Who?
DR. NANCY
Ms. Charm…she went back there to use the toilet and watch you work.
BURK ROOTER
There’s nothing back there but that busted crapper.
DR. NANCY
How strange. What’s wrong with it, Mr. Rooter?
BURK ROOTER
A toilet’s like a living thing…it’s got to be fed regular, and it’s got to have regular bowel movements. That toilet’s been fed plenty, but it’s seriously constipated.
NIMBUS TASK
Would you like a hand, Mr. Rooter?
BURK ROOTER
What the hell would I do with another hand? I’ve already got two.
NIMBUS TASK
No, I mean would you like some assistance?
BURK ROOTER
No, dammit. There’s not a toilet known to man that can defeat Burk Rooter.
(BURK exits with grim determination.)
NIMBUS TASK
How are you holding up, Dr. Nancy?
DR. NANCY
Am I in hell?
NIMBUS TASK
No way of really knowing. I’ll go get you a coffee…you need a little pick-me-up.
(NIMBUS exits.)
End of Scene 17.
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 18:
(BUNNY TROWBRIDGE hustles in, pursued by DUFF BROWN, who is carrying an old lamp he’s found.)
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
You can’t have these lottery tickets, you old buzzard!
DUFF BROWN
I bought ‘em! They’re mine!
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
You were supposed to buy food with that money! Food!
DUFF BROWN
Give me those tickets, you old bat!
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
I’ll give you a crack on your wrinkly old head if you come near me! Oh yes I will!
DR. NANCY
Did you spend my twenty dollars on lottery tickets, Mr. Brown?
DUFF BROWN
Well, it makes sense, doesn’t it? For twenty bucks, I can buy thirty boxes of mac-cheeese, but if I win the lottery, I can buy the entire macaroni factory and everything in it!
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
And just what are you going to do with that stupid old lamp, hmmm?
DUFF BROWN
I shall repair it and sell it on the internet.
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
Bull, Mr Brown! Absolute bull! Your room is already crammed with garbage from the streets and you do not have a computer!
DUFF BROWN
My lottery tickets! Dr. Nancy, make her give to me that which is mine.
DR. NANCY
You promised to buy food with that money, Mr. Brown.
DUFF BROWN
Women! They insist on treating me like a naughty little boy. I was wise never to have married…very wise.
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
No, Mr. Brown…we women were wise to stay away from a silly old packrat who clogs his room with junk and wastes his money on lottery tickets!
DUFF BROWN
All right, all right. Give the lottery tickets to Dr. Nancy…I bought them with her money.
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
(giving the tickets to DR. NANCY)
I bet she’d rather have the twenty bucks. Look at her…nothing but skin and bone…she could use some macaroni and cheese herself.
DR. NANCY
(looking at the tickets)
This clinic is about as much use as these tickets.
(She pockets them.)
DUFF BROWN
Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll take my lovely treasure up to my room, where it shall have a place of honour beside the stuffed owl.
(DUFF exits.)
DR. NANCY
Two girls have rented one of the rooms upstairs, Ms. Trowbridge.
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
Bunny.
DR. NANCY
Bunny.
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
I hope they’re better than the last tenants. One of them died and the other one didn’t tell anyone for two weeks. I’ve got to go soak my feet in a bucket.
(BUNNY exits.)
End of Scene 18.
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 19:
(SHORTY DINGLE runs in with CORKY LION’s wig.)
CORKY LION
My wig! He’s got my wig!
SHORTY DINGLE
(putting the wig on his head)
Am I sexy? Am I sexy?
CORKY LION
Don’t mock my wig, you little pecker!
(CORKY runs at SHORTY, but he runs to DR. NANCY, and puts the wig on her head. He and CORKY laugh at her. DR. NANCY stands there in a state of shock.)
DR. NANCY
Are you children spirits from the underworld sent to torment me?
SHORTY DINGLE
You sure look funny, lady.
CORKY LION
Give me my wig or I’ll scream and scream!
DR. NANCY
(giving her the wig)
Do you have a mother or father?
CORKY LION
None of your business.
(CORKY runs out.)
SHORTY DINGLE
Her mom’s dead and so is mine!
(SHORTY runs out.)
End of Scene 19.
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 20:
(RED TATER and MONA TAPROOT enter.)
MONA TAPROOT
Me and Red stopped by to give you a warning.
RED TATER
We did what we had to do over at the hotel, and now we’re gonna get a lawyer to kick you out of our new home.
MONA TAPROOT
Unless you want to leave without a fuss.
RED TATER
You could leave without a fuss.
DR. NANCY
Go and get a lawyer. You know as well as I do that your rental agreement is just a silly bit of paper that you scribbled on.
RED TATER
I’ve killed men for saying less than that.
DR. NANCY
I heard you the last time you said that. If you’re going to kill me, go ahead and do it.
MONA TAPROOT
She thinks you’re bluffing, Red.
RED TATER
Damn.
MONA TAPROOT
We’re going to leave now, but we’re coming back, and when we do, maybe Red will kill you.
RED TATER
I might kill you.
DR. NANCY
There’s a crime called “criminal harassment”, and another called “uttering threats”. You’re committing them both right now.
MONA TAPROOT
Come on, Red. We don’t have to take this crap from her. We’ll come back, and when we do, you’ll be sorry, Miss Big Words…
RED TATER
You’ll be sorry.
(RED and MONA exit.)
End of Scene 20.
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 21:
(BURK ROOTER enters.)
BURK ROOTER
That damn toilet has me up against the wall. But it’s not going to get the better of me.
DR. NANCY
You’re a very determined plumber.
BURK ROOTER
Plumbing’s like life. You got to scoop out a bunch of crap to clear the drain and get things flowing.
DR. NANCY
And you’re a philosopher, too. How’s Ms. Charm doing back there?
BURK ROOTER
Who?
DR. NANCY
Ms. Charm…the social worker…she went back there to watch you work.
BURK ROOTER
You playing games with me? There’s nobody back there but me and that toilet. Now I got to get back there and wrestle with that crapper from hell.
(BURK exits.)
End of Scene 21.
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 22:
(DREW WORTHINGTON and DELANEY HART enter.)
DELANEY HART
Mr. Worthington has another poem for you, Dr. Nancy, you lucky, lucky woman.
DREW WORTHINGTON
This one’s magfificent…short, sweet…a euphonic delight! Lend your ears…
Your clinic here will surely fail
For you’re about to go to jail!
DELANEY HART
How lovely! Just two lines! Less is more…oh yes, less is more!
(DREW and DELANEY exit.)
DR. NANCY
Jail?
End of Scene 22.
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 23:
(ROXY PACKER and RICKY SPLITZ enter with suitcases.)
DR. NANCY
That didn’t take long.
ROXY PACKER
Time flies when you’re having fun.
RICKY SPLITZ
Everything I need is in this suitcase.
ROXY PACKER
Likewise. My whole future’s in this little box.
RICKY SPLITZ
Don’t need much more than a room and a suitcase.
ROXY PACKER
Anyone who says you do is a liar.
(CALAMITY BUGDORF and TUCKER BACON enter.)
CALAMITY BUGDORF
What you running here, a whorehouse?
TUCKER BACON
These girls part of your stable?
RICKY SPLITZ
We’re not whores!
ROXY PACKER
We live here, and you’re on our turf, so back off!
CALAMITY BUGDORF
All right, all right…so you’re not whores, you’re crackheads.
TUCKER BACON
Only crackheads and junkies live here.
RICKY SPLITZ
And who are you? Two old losers who got nothing better to do than stick your noses in other people’s business?
ROXY PACKER
You want crackheads? We’ll crack your heads!
DR. NANCY
Please! PLEASE! This is my office…you’re in my space…and I’ll thank you to behave decently.
CALAMITY BUGDORF
Give me and Tucker ten bucks and we’ll be real nice.
TUCKER BACON
For ten bucks, we won’t smash them windows.
DR. NANCY
I’ve already given you twenty dollars. I’m not giving you a penny more.
TUCKER BACON
Come on, Calamity, let’s start smashing glass!
(CALAMITY and TUCKER move towards the audience, but RICKY and ROXY run to them and pull them back…there is a bit of fighting, resulting in RICKY and ROXY subduing and sitting on CALAMITY and TUCKER.)
CALAMITY BUGDORF
Get off me, kid, or I’ll spit and bite!
TUCKER BACON
Think you’re tough? Think you’re tough?
RICKY SPLITZ
Shut up or we’ll knock your teeth out!
ROXY PACKER
No one messes with the windows in our building!
(Constable TREAD and CONSTABLE McNAB enter.)
CONSTABLE TREAD
What have we here?
CONSTABLE McNAB
You using these young folks to beat and rob this elderly couple, Doc?
DR. NANCY
Those two were trying to break my windows, but the girls put a stop to it.
CALAMITY BUGDORF
She’s killing me, officers…get her off me!
TUCKER BACON
I’m an old man…just an old man…why is this youth tormenting me?
(The two CONSTABLES pull the girls off CALAMITY and TUCKER.)
CONSTABLE TREAD
(releasing RICKY)
Someone’s gonna get locked up.
CONSTABLE McNAB
(releasing ROXY)
And that someone’s you, Doc.
(The CONSTABLES take DR. NANCY by the arms.)
CONSTABLE TREAD
Calamity and Tucker, what’s going on here?
CALAMITY BUGDORF
I’m just a poor old woman, and Tucker’s a diabetic, and she made them girls beat us up.
TUCKER BACON
Then she stole twenty bucks from me, officers! Look, my pocket’s empty!
CONSTABLE TREAD
Maybe she did and maybe she didn’t.
CONSTABLE McNAB
Either way, we’re taking her down to the jail while things cool off.
DR. NANCY
But I’ve done nothing! I’m the victim for god’s sake!
CONSTABLE McNAB
That’s what they all say, little lady. But there’s been a lot of trouble in this office today, and you’re the only one who’s been here all along. Calamity and Tucker, go about your business.
(CALAMITY and TUCKER exit.)
CONSTABLE TREAD
Come on now, Doc. Don’t make a fuss.
(The CONSTABLES escort her offstage, with DR. NANCY calling out “I’m the victim” over and over.)
End of Scene 23.
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 24:
ROXY PACKER
They busted her ass and she didn’t do anything.
RICKY SPLITZ
She doesn’t deserve to be treated like crap.
ROXY PACKER
She loaned us money for bus fare.
RICKY SPLITZ
And she listened to us while we ranted about the suburbs.
ROXY PACKER
We got to look after her office until she gets back.
RICKY SPLITZ
If she gets back…an inner city jail’s a pretty rough place.
ROXY PACKER
She’s so little and weak.
(NIMBUS TASK enters with coffee for DR. NANCY.)
NIMBUS TASK
Where’s Dr. Nancy?
RICKY SPLITZ
The cops took her to jail.
NIMBUS TASK
Jail? What for?
ROXY PACKER
Assault, theft, selling drugs, abusing minors…
RICKY SPLITZ
You name it, she’s busted for it.
NIMBUS TASK
But she’s completely harmless!
ROXY PACKER
And helpless and innocent, which is why she gets treated like crap.
RICKY SPLITZ
She’s got to toughen up.
NIMBUS TASK
I go out to buy her a coffee, and this is what happens!
ROXY PACKER
Are you her dad?
NIMBUS TASK
Gosh no…I’m Nimbus Task, her “handy helper”.
RICKY SPLITZ
Well, you weren’t on hand and you didn’t help.
NIMBUS TASK
I can’t watch her every second. And just who are you?
ROXY PACKER
We live upstairs, as of this morning.
RICKY SPLITZ
We’re dumping the suburbs and taking on the inner city.
NIMBUS TASK
Why’d you want to do that?
ROXY PACKER
Maybe for some of the same reasons as Dr. Nancy.
(DREW WORTHINGTON and DELANEY HART enter.)
DREW WORTHINGTON
Alas, the fair doctor is not here!
DELANEY HART
Just as you predicted, Mr. Worthington.
DREW WORTHINGTON
I shall recite my poem for her, even though she cannot hear it…
Do not fear, my dear…
Soon, so soon, all will be clear…
Do not fear, my dear…
The moment of truth is almost here…
DELANEY HART
Oh, Mr. Worthington! You set my heart aflutter, even though the poem is not for me!
DREW WORTHINGTON
Perhaps I shall pen a poem for you someday, dear Ms. Hart…perhaps someday.
(BURK ROOTER enters.)
BURK ROOTER
Great god almighty! The toilet is flowing again, like life itself! Great god almighty!
(BUNNY TROWBRIDGE and DUFF BROWN, who has a rolled-up newspaper, enter.)
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
What’s all the hullabaloo?
DUFF BROWN
Did somebody die?
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
All that banging and crashing…like a war zone.
DUFF BROWN
Can’t have my nap with all that noise.
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
Did somebody die?
NIMBUS TASK
No, no, nobody’s dead.
BURK ROOTER
I damn near died from the stink in that washroom, but I’m still kicking.
DREW WORTHINGTON
Death is a dream to those who live, and dreams are life to those who die.
DELANEY HART
Nobody’s dead.
ROXY PACKER
There was fighting…we had to fight…two old devils…
RICKY SPLITZ
Two old demons making things difficult, as they always do. Dr. Nancy is in jail.
(CORKY LION runs in with SHORTY DINGLE’s boxer briefs.)
SHORTY DINGLE
Give me back my boxers!
CORKY LION
Where’s the funny lady? Where’s the funny lady?
NIMBUS TASK
In jail.
CORKY LION Awwww!
(throwing the briefs on the floor)
I wanted her to wear his boxers.
SHORTY DINGLE
You little freak!
CORKY LION
She was fun! Now she’s in jail.
SHORTY DINGLE
What are you all looking at? Is there something wrong with me?
CORKY LION
Why are you looking at Shorty like he’s a freak?
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
Hush, children…don’t make a fuss. There’s nothing wrong with you.
DUFF BROWN
We know your mothers are gone forever, so we look at you with pity.
BURK ROOTER
But I can make the toilet work for you…I can do that much.
DREW WORTHINGTON
Children play no matter what we say or what we’ve won or lost.
DELANEY HART
There’s nothing wrong with you.
ROXY PACKER
Children, there’s been a struggle…
RICKY SPLITZ
Dr. Nancy is in jail.
(TAFFY MILDER and HERMAN DIESEL enter.)
TAFFY MILDER
We found a dead man in the alley.
HERMAN DIESEL
His bottle was still half full. His wallet on the ground and empty.
TAFFY MILDER
Dr. Nancy can’t help him now.
HERMAN DIESEL
Killed by liquor.
TAFFY MILDER
No detox for him. His struggle’s done.
HERMAN DIESEL
Poor fella, lying there in a stink of rotten clothes and filth.
TAFFY MILDER
And Dr. Nancy…what’s become of her?
NIMBUS TASK
In jail, for several supposed crimes.
CORKY LION
Can’t tease her any more with trousers and boxer shorts…
SHORTY DINGLE
Can’t toss her dolls or jam wigs down on her head…
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
The good Dr. Nancy is good and gone.
DUFF BROWN
I wonder if she was a drinker?
BURK ROOTER
Got her toilet to flow just as she had to go.
DREW WORTHINGTON
In jail, at least, the liquor does not flow…
DELANEY HART
Dr. Nancy is good and gone.
ROXY PACKER
The drunks and addicts are out of control…
RICKY SPLITZ
They control us, black holes sucking us out of our orbits…
(CALAMITY BUGDORF and TUCKER BACON enter.)
CALAMITY BUGDORF
Where’s that woman who throws her money at the poor?
TUCKER BACON
(waving the ten dollar bill in the air )
We want to throw it back at her.
REST OF THE CAST
Gone! Gone to jail!
(RED TATER enters with MONA TAPROOT.)
RED TATER
The woman’s gone. The place is ours.
MONA TAPROOT
No lawyer needed.
RED TATER
I said I’d kill her and I meant it.
MONA TAPROOT
She’s run away to save herself.
NIMBUS TASK
Not run away…she’s in jail. She wasn’t scared of you.
RED TATER
The place is ours anyway, and that’s just what we wanted.
MONA TAPROOT
And we have money, too…but that’s no one’s business but our own.
HERMAN DIESEL
Money! And you stink like the body we found.
TAFFY MILDER
An empty wallet beside a dead man.
CORKY LION
Did you kill him?
SHORTY DINGLE
Did you rob him?
RED TATER
Don’t be daft.
MONA TAPROOT
Red and I are lovers, thinking only of each other.
BUNNY TROWBRIDGE
Lovers can be evil too.
DUFF BROWN
Hatching plots like serpent eggs.
BURK ROOTER
Muck mixed in the sewers of life.
DREW WORTHINGTON
Love and evil do conspire to make the world a funeral pyre.
DELANEY HART
She’s in jail. She’s not scared of you.
ROXY PACKER
We guard her clinic with our lives.
RICKY SPLITZ
Who dares to challenge the gate-keepers of her heart?
End of Scene 24.
Dr. Nancy by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 25:
(FANTASY CHARM enters.)
FANTASY CHARM
You are gathered, and I am watching.
REST OF CAST
She is the one who watches.
FANTASY CHARM
Always, there is someone watching, but sometimes you forget.
REST OF CAST
Sometimes we forget.
FANTASY CHARM
You think you are alone, but you are not.
REST OF CAST
Who is the one who watches?
FANTASY CHARM
The answer to that question is the secret known by all.
(DR. NANCY enters accompanied by CONSTABLES TREAD and McNAB.)
CONSTABLE TREAD
We can find no reason to keep her in the jail.
CONSTABLE McNAB
We wash our hands of her.
CONSTABLE TREAD
Do with her what you will.
CONSTABLE McNAB
We wash our hands of her.
NIMBUS TASK
And those two?
(NIMBUS points at MONA and RED.)
CONSTABLE TREAD
What of them?
REST OF CAST
(except DR. NANCY, MONA and RED)
They have killed! They have stolen!
CONSTABLE TREAD
Do you want them punished in her stead?
CONSTABLE McNAB
Must they take her place?
REST OF CAST
(except DR. NANCY, MONA, and RED)
No! No! They must not take her place!
ROXY and RICKY
We guard it with our lives!
NIMBUS TASK
Dr. Nancy, you know what comes next.
DR. NANCY
Yes.
(NIMBUS goes to her and leads her to the centre of the stage. The others, except the police, move around her and in on her…when they move back, she has disappeared.)
CONSTABLES TREAD and McNAB
We washed our hands of her.
FANTASY CHARM
Why did you take her life?
REST OF CAST
(except the CONSTABLES)
We do not know. It makes no sense.
RED and MONA
We are the outcasts.
(RED and MONA turn away.)
FANTASY CHARM
Always, there is someone watching, but sometimes you forget.
REST OF CAST
Sometimes we forget.
FANTASY CHARM
You think you are alone, but you are not.
REST OF CAST
Who is the one who watches?
FANTASY CHARM
The answer to that question is the secret known by all.
(DUFF BROWN goes to where DR. NANCY disappeared and finds the lottery tickets. He pulls one from the stack, and compares the number to a number in the newspaper. His expression changes to one of ironic wonderment as he holds up the tickets for the others to see.)
End of Play.
Published online by Good School Plays on July 3, 2015.