Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2003
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 55 minutes
• style: clown satire
• suitable for general audiences
• 23 characters (gender interchangeable)
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Blüddengütz” is an impoverished medical institute in pre-World War One Europe. Doktor Gütmann, the head of the institute, tries to raise money by promoting Blüddengütz as a holiday spa for rich people.
(This play was first performed on January 27, 27, 30, 31, in the year 2006, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
∗Published Online by Good School Plays, March 26, 2016.
Go to:
Act One, Scene 1
Act One, Scene 2
Act One, Scene 3
Act One, Scene 4
Act One, Scene 5
Act Two, Scene 1
Act Two, Scene 2
Act Two, Scene 3
Act Two, Scene 4
Act Two, Scene 5
Act Two, Scene 6
CHARACTERS:
Doktor Hilda Güttmann, head of Blüddengütz Institute
Dümmkopf, Dr. Güttman’s loyal servant
Wilhelmina “Willi” Tschopitov, head nurse
Günter Pantz, head orderly
Heidi Güttmann, Dr. Gütmann’s little girl
Lulu Güttmann, Heidi’s twin
Viktor Hoop, Dr. Güttmann’s first patient ever (twisted intestines)
Riktor Hoop, his twin brother (kidney removed)
Mrs. Cordelia Wonderbar, a patient (paralyzed)
Mrs. Sally Wonderbar, her sister (aching teeth)
Yvonne Maladroit, a patient (ruined lungs)
Mona Loudgrumble, a patient (fused knees)
Virginia Lilypale, a patient (degenerating spine)
Fritzi Nitzi, a patient (burning gut)
Countess Ülrika Von Schützspittal,
Velveeta Von Schützspittal, her daughter
Onya Sauerkraut, Countess Schützpittal’s servant
Lady Hortensia Throttle
Tilly Throttle, her daughter
Ninny PinaLafore, Lady Throttle’s servant
Police Inspector Gerhardt Von Schnozzle
Bertilda Von Schnozzle, his wife
Doctor Rita Ritesetter, a government investigator
Blüddengütz by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 1:
(DOKTOR GÜTTMANN is onstage with Dümmkopf.)
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Dümmkopf, my loyal servant.
DÜMMKOPF
Yes, Dr. Güttman?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
I am upset.
DÜMMKOPF
Why, Dr. Güttman?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Because you are stepping on my foot.
DÜMMKOPF
(removing his foot from hers)
A thousand pardons, Dr. Güttman.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
That’s better. Now fetch Nurse Tschopitov at once.
DÜMMKOPF
Do you want to see Günter Pantz as well?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
No, I don’t want to see your underpants.
DÜMMKOPF
No, no, not my underpants! Günter Pantz…your head orderly.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
You are talking nonsense, Dümmkopf.
DÜMMKOPF
I will fetch him anyway.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
(to herself)
Dümmkopf is stupid. If I had any money, I would do an experiment on his brain.
(DÜMMKOPF enters with NURSE TSCHOPITOV and GÜNTER PANTZ.)
DÜMMKOPF
Here they are, Dr. Güttman.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
My dear Nurse Tschopitov.
(The good DOKTOR embraces the stern NURSE.)
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
(recoiling)
Dr. Güttman, use deodorant!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Nonsense! Deodorant is expensive!
(spying GÜNTER PANTZ)
And who is this?
GÜNTER PANTZ
(interrogatively)
Günter Pantz, Dr. Güttman?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
No thank you. I have some already.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
No, no, not underpants…Günter Pantz, your head orderly!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
I do not recognize him.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
But Dr. Güttman, you performed an operation on Günter’s legs just two weeks ago!
DÜMMKOPF
Perhaps that is why Dr. Güttman does not know his face.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Let me feel your legs, Günter.
(The good DOKTOR squeezes and kneads the ORDERLY’S legs with expert dexterity.)
GÜNTER PANTZ
Better?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Much better. I recognize those powerful thighs.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Günter, you let her feel your thighs! Have you forgotten we are engaged?
GÜNTER PANTZ
But she is Dr. Güttman, the head of Blüddengütz Institute, and our boss, Willi.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
So?
GÜNTER PANTZ
So I must do as she tells me.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Nurse Tschopitov is jealous, no? Günter, give her a kiss to make her feel better.
GÜNTER PANTZ
Where do you want it, Willi?
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
On the back of my hand.
GÜNTER PANTZ
Very well.
(The ORDERLY kisses the back of the NURSE’s hand.)
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Oh, Günter!
DÜMMKOPF
Doesn’t poor Dümmkopf get a kiss?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Kiss Dümmkopf, Günter.
DÜMMKOPF
No! He is a man.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Then who, Dümmkopf?
DÜMMKOPF
Willi! Willi!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Kiss him, Nurse Tschopitov.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Must I?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Yes. We must be kind to Dümmkopf.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Oh, very well.
(The NURSE kisses DÜMMKOPF on the forehead and makes a face.)
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Mein gott, Dümmkopf, you smell of rotten cabbage!
DÜMMKOPF
Dr. Güttman will not allow me to eat anything else.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
(cuffing his head)
Silence, Dümmkopf, you are ungrateful.
GÜNTER PANTZ
Why did you summon us, Dr. Güttman?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
(after a pause in which she tries to remember)
I don’t know.
DÜMMKOPF
It’s about money, Dr. Güttman. We don’t have any money.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
You owe us two years wages, Dr. Güttman.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Yes. Now I remember. If we don’t get some money, Blüddengütz Institute will have to close.
GÜNTER PANTZ
Close? No problem. Willi can go back to her old job shovelling horse dung.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
No! Never will I return to the filthy streets of Cacaburg. That’s worse than kissing Dümmkopf!
GÜNTER PANTZ
But Willi, how will you support me after we are married?
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Perhaps I will let Dümmkopf shovel the dung for one percent of the wages.
DÜMMKOPF
(genuinely moved)
You are most generous, Willi.
GÜNTER PANTZ
(perplexed by the NURSE’s reasoning)
But Willi, I don’t see…
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Silence! I have a plan to save Blüddengütz Institute!
GÜNTER PANTZ
Hurray! A plan!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
I have advertised the institute as a fabulous resort for rich people!
GÜNTER PANTZ
But Dr. Güttman, Blüddengütz Institute is not a fabulous resort!
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
It’s a rundown charity hospital for the mentally and physically infirm!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
My dear Nurse Tschopitov, you have not yet seen the beauty of my plan.
DÜMMKOPF
Dr. Güttman is a genius, Willi. Just wait until you hear!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Already, two families have applied to come here; they will give us all their money.
GÜNTER PANTZ
Why will they give us all their money?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Because they will feel sorry for us, Günter.
DÜMMKOPF
Trust her, Günter.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Trust me.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Yes, trust her, Günter.
GÜNTER PANTZ
Why should I trust her?
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Because we have no other choice. You’ve got something on your teeth, Günter.
(The NURSE reaches into the ORDERLY’S mouth solicitously and scrapes off the offending morsel.)
DÜMMKOPF
A bit of rotten cabbage, perhaps.
GÜNTER PANTZ
(as the NURSE completes her unpleasant chore)
Better?
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Better.
GÜNTER PANTZ
Oh, Willi, what would I do without you?
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Come to me, my little strudel.
(The ORDERLY goes to the NURSE and she hugs him affectionately.)
DÜMMKOPF
Doctor Güttman, must we watch this lovemaking?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
It makes me sick, but I must remain healthy to save the institute! Nurse Tschopitov, Günter, get the patients and make them do their morning exercises. Come, Dümmkopf, it is time for my backrub.
DÜMMKOPF
If only you would give poor Dümmkopf a backrub, Doktor Güttmann!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Silence, Dümmkopf! You are ungrateful!
(DOKTOR GÜTTMANN and DÜMMKOPF exit.)
GÜNTER PANTZ
Well, Willi, perhaps Blüddengütz Institute will finally get some money and we will get our backwages!
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
And then we can be married! Oh, Günter, my heart is fluttering like a drunken butterfly!
(The NURSE and ORDERLY exit.)
End of Act One, Scene 1.
Blüddengütz by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 2:
(Countess ULRIKA VON SCHUTZSPITTAL enters with her daughter VELVEETA, who wears mitts, and ONYA SAUERKRAUT, their servant.)
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
So this is Blüddengütz Holiday Resort.
VELVEETA
Oh, Momma, it is so wonderful!
ONYA SAUERKRAUT
It looks like a dump to me, Countess Von Schutzspittal.
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
Please, Miss Sauerkraut, remember who you are! Beggars cannot be choosers, and the servants of beggars must choose even less!
VELVEETA
Onya, you know very well that Momma has no money, and so we must make do with whatever we can get.
ONYA SAUERKRAUT
How will you pay the bill when we leave, Countess?
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
“We will cross that filthy little mud puddle when we get to it,” as my late husband Count Von Schutzspittal used to say.
VELVEETA I wonder if they have a piano!
(holding up her mittened hands)
How I long to play again!
ONYA SAUERKRAUT
Oh, my poor ears! They still ache from your last frightful recital, Velveeta.
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
A little tact, please, Miss Sauerkraut. Velveeta does very well for a girl with webbed fingers.
ONYA SAUERKRAUT
Perhaps she should learn to play piano with her toes.
VELVEETA
But Onya, that would mean I would have to elevate my legs, and you know very well that I have poor circulation.
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
Poor Velveeta. You are cursed with a thousand infirmities.
VELVEETA
I don’t mind, Momma. Why, I’m so excited about our wonderful vacation that I’ve almost forgotten my aching teeth and my crampy stomach and my pounding headache and sore limbs.
ONYA SAUERKRAUT
They’ll have us out of here before sundown if they find out you’re penniless, Countess.
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL That is why Velveeta and I must pretend to be fabulously rich, Miss Sauerkraut. And you must pretend we pay you very well to be our servant.
ONYA SAUERKRAUT
I should resign and find work elsewhere.
VELVEETA
But Onya, who would hire a servant with a wooden leg?
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
Yes, Miss Sauerkraut, you had better stick with us. We offer you your best hope for your daily bowl of porridge, even if you must live off my good name instead of money.
VELVEETA
Oh, Momma, “Von Schutzspittal” is a wonderful name, and we are aristocrats, after all. Surely that is enough to guarantee a comfortable life for you and me and Miss Sauerkraut?
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
Let us hope so, my dear Velveeta, let us hope so.
(LADY HORTENSIA THROTTLE, who has poor vision, enters uncertainly with her daughter TILLY and her maid NINNY PINAFORE.)
LADY THROTTLE
I say, is this the Blüddengütz Holiday Resort?
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
Yes it is, my good woman. Did you not see the word “Blüddengütz” cut into the stones above the door?
TILLY THROTTLE
I told you, Mother.
LADY THROTTLE
Oh dear, I wish I had remembered my spectacles!
NINNY PINAFORE
Lady Throttle is terribly shortsighted.
LADY THROTTLE
I’m Lady Hortensia Throttle, and this is my daughter Tilly, and my maid-servant Ninny Pinafore.
TILLY THROTTLE
Stare all you want. I know I’m abnormal.
NINNY PINAFORE
Tilly! Try to think before you speak!
LADY THROTTLE
Forgive my daughter. She has a rather unusual brain, but in every other respect she’s no different than you or me.
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
Why, I would never have noticed if you hadn’t mentioned it. I’m Countess Ulrika Von Schutzspittal, and this is my daughter Velveeta and my serving woman Miss Onya Sauerkraut.
LADY THROTTLE
I’m so pleased to meet you, Countess Von Schutzspittal. Did you just arrive also?
VELVEETA
Yes we did, Lady Throttle. Are you in pain, Tilly?
TILLY THROTTLE
Not at the moment.
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
Velveeta!
VELVEETA
I’m sorry, Momma. It’s just that Tilly’s face looks sort of puckered. I thought perhaps her digestive system might be out of sorts from travelling.
NINNY PINAFORE
Tilly takes prune juice three times a day, just in case.
TILLY THROTTLE
I’m as regular as the bells on Big Ben.
LADY THROTTLE
But we’re all rather tired. We’ve travelled all the way from London, you see.
ONYA SAUERKRAUT
Why would someone come so far to stay in such a miserable resort?
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
Miss Sauerkraut! Forgive her for being out of sorts, Lady Throttle. Her wooden leg is giving her a devil of a time.
ONYA SAUERKRAUT
Must you tell everyone, Countess?
NINNY PINAFORE
I understand, poor Miss Sauerkraut. I myself have a glass eyeball and a bald head.
LADY THROTTLE
Yes, we are all afflicted in some way.
TILLY THROTTLE
Mother has a growth in her left armpit.
LADY THROTTLE
Oh, now, Tilly, it’s not really a growth…more like a sort of swelling.
TILLY THROTTLE
Father said it looks like King Edward’s face.
LADY THROTTLE
My husband Lord Throttle sent us on this holiday to help us get over our various maladies.
VELVEETA
You’re very lucky to have a father, Tilly.
TILLY THROTTLE
No I’m not! He’s a bad daddy! He sent us on this holiday without any money!
LADY THROTTLE
Tilly, please try to contain yourself!
VELVEETA
My father, the late Count Von Schutzspittal, was squashed by an elephant while hunting in India.
LADY THROTTLE
Poor child! Why do you wear mittens?
ONYA SAUERKRAUT
She has webbed fingers.
TILLY THROTTLE
Consider yourself lucky, Velveeta. One half of my brain is shrunk to the size of a walnut.
VELVEETA
Oh, Tilly, how dreadful!
TILLY THROTTLE
Oh, it only hurts when I think.
NINNY PINAFORE
That is why Tilly has never attended school.
LADY THROTTLE
Did you see a concierge, Countess Von Schutzspittal? The place seems deserted.
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
We’ve seen no one. Perhaps they are at prayers or something.
(DOKTOR GÜTTMANN and DÜMMKOPF enter.)
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Ah, you have arrived!
LADY THROTTLE
Are you the housekeeper, madam?
DÜMMKOPF
No, no, silly woman. This is Dr. Güttmann, the head of Blüddengütz Institute…I mean, Holiday Resort.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Yes, indeed, I am Dr. Güttmann, and this is my servant Dümmkopf.
DÜMMKOPF
I will dance for you for only five pfennigs!
(DÜMMKOPF begins his strange dance.)
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
That will not be necessary, Dümmkopf, though we appreciate the offer.
(DÜMMKOPF stops, disappointed.)
VELVEETA
Oh, Dümmkopf, how wonderful that you offered to dance, despite having a hunchback!
TILLY THROTTLE
You are awfully bent, Dümmkopf.
NINNY PINAFORE
The poor chap.
ONYA SAUERKRAUT
He needs protein.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
No dancing until later, Dümmkopf!
DÜMMKOPF
But I want to please the rich ladies right now, Doktor Güttmann!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN No, no. Wait until later.
(to the others)
Dümmkopf is the main attraction in our little cabaret each evening.
DÜMMKOPF
I am?
LADY THROTTLE
Now to business. I am Lady Throttle of the Throttle party, and that is Countess Von Schutzspittal and her daughter and servant. Could you please show us to our rooms?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Dümmkopf! Show them their rooms!
DÜMMKOPF
But Doktor Güttmann, we do not have any spare rooms!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
(to the guests)
Excuse me.
(taking DÜMMKOPF aside)
Kick some patients out of their beds, Dümmkopf. Then we will have spare rooms, no?
DÜMMKOPF
As you wish, Doktor.
(to the others)
Come with me. I will make spaces for all of you, with pre-warmed beds.
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
Wonderful! Thankyou, Doktor Güttmann, for your hospitality.
LADY THROTTLE
Come along Tilly and Miss Pinafore.
(The two guest parties exit with DÜMMKOPF.)
End of Act One, Scene 2.
Blüddengütz by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene3:
(HEIDI and LULU GÜTTMANN enter holding hands.)
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
Mütter! Mütter! We are so hungry!
LULU GÜTTMANN
Please, Mütter, give to us a crust of bread!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
No, children, there is no bread! But soon, Mütter will get for you some fresh meat and vegetables.
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
Oh, Mütter, do you promise?
LULU GÜTTMANN
My stomach, Mütter, it is making the gurgling noises.
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
Mine is singing like a baritone in a Wagnerian opera, Mütter!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Mütter has found some rich people who will give us money. Then, you will eat.
LULU GÜTTMANN
Heidi says my stomach is bloated. Tell her it is a lie, Mütter.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Heidi! Why do you make fun of Lulu?
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
To take my mind off my own troubles, Mütter.
LULU GÜTTMANN
Why is life so cruel, my Mütter?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Things would be better if your Varter was alive.
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
What happened to Varter, Mütter?
LULU GÜTTMANN
Yes, what happened to him?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
He ran away with a gypsy queen.
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
You are joking with us, Mütter.
LULU GÜTTMANN
Did he really run away with a gypsy queen?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Oh yes, Lulu and Heidi. Her name was Esmerelda and she was very beautiful.
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
You lie, Mütter. Varter ran away with a fat milkmaid called Berta.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
It is better to believe a lie, my children.
LULU GÜTTMANN
Perhaps. Mütter, can you give to me an operation?
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
Me too, Mütter…I would like an operation, too.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
What sort of operation, my children?
LULU GÜTTMANN
An operation to make us happy, my Mütter.
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
Yes, yes, an operation to make us happy. We are so unhappy, Mütter. See how we cry?
LULU GÜTTMANN
Boo hoo! Oh, I am crying, Mütter! Give to me a happiness operation!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
No! An operation is not necessary! You will be happy when I have money. Wait and see.
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
Oh, Mütter, you do not understand! We want to be “hot”!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Hot?
LULU GÜTTMANN
Yes, “hot”! Then the rich boys will make us into their women and we will be happy!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Fools! Do you want to be a slave to a stupid rich boy?
LULU AND HEIDI GÜTTMANN
Yes! Yes!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
I should give to you an operation to make your brains bigger.
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
Oh, Mütter, do not call us dumb!
LULU GÜTTMANN
We are only stupid because we are always sick and hungry.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Exactly. When I have money, you will eat pork and wear warm clothes. Then you will not be stupid anymore.
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
Oh, Mütter, do you promise?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
I promise, my little peaches.
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
Lulu, let us sing a song for Mütter!
LULU GÜTTMANN
Yes! Yes! A song! A song! Which one! Which one!
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
How about “The Sick Birdy”?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
My favourite!
HEIDI AND LULU GÜTTMANN
(singing)
The birdy is sick
Cheep, cheep! Cheep, cheep!
It falls from the sky!
Cheep, cheep! Cheep, cheep!
Oh, no! Please take care!
Cheep, cheep! Cheep, cheep!
The fox is nearby!
Cheep, cheep! Cheep, cheep!
The fox smells the birdy!
Yip, yap! Yip, yap!
It stalks through the snow!
Yip, yap! Yip, yap!
Into its mouth
Yip, yap! Yip, yap!
The birdy must go!
Yum, yum! Yum, yum! Yummmm-Yum!
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
I am so hungry!
LULU GÜTTMANN
I could eat a sick birdy!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Don’t worry, my pretty ones! Soon you will have all the birdies you want!
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
But how will you get money, Mütter?
LULU GÜTTMANN
Yes, how? Money does not come out of your nostrils when you sneeze, you know.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Rich people have come to visit us. Make them feel sorry for you. Then they will give us money.
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
Rich people! Are there any boys?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
No!
LULU GÜTTMANN
Mütter! I must have a boy and soon! It is unnatural for a girl to have no one but her ugly sister!
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
(to LULU)
You are ugly too.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Silence or I will box your ears. Now go and lie on your beds to conserve your strength.
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
Yes, Mütter. Come, Lulu…
LULU GÜTTMANN
(taking her hand)
Hippity hop, hippity hop, off we go to bed!
(HEIDI and LULU exit.)
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
They are so hungry. I hope they do not die.
(DOKTOR GÜTTMANN exits.)
End of Act One, Scene 3.
Blüddengütz by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 4:
(NURSE TSCHOPITOV and GÜNTER PANTZ enter with the patients, who line up across the stage for their morning exercises.)
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
All right, time for your exercises.
GÜNTER PANTZ
Do not look so glum! Work is joy and joy is health, my sick friends!
VIKTOR HOOP
But Mr. Pantz…
GÜNTER PANTZ
Yes, Viktor?
VIKTOR HOOP
My brother Riktor had a kidney removed last night.
RIKTOR HOOP
It hurts like the devil, Mr. Pantz.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Silence, Riktor. Try to be a man, not a sniveling baby.
RIKTOR HOOP
(in immense pain)
Ohhhhhhhhh! Why did Doctor Güttmann take my kidney?
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
To sell it to the Anatomical Society for money to buy food, Riktor.
GÜNTER PANTZ
It went for a good cause.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Cordelia Wonderbar! Stand up straight!
CORDELIA WONDERBAR
But I am in a wheelchair, Nurse Tschopitov!
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Excuses, excuses! In the old days, they would have made you walk.
SALLY WONDERBAR
But my sister is paralyzed, Nurse Tschopitov!
GÜNTER PANTZ
So am I, but that doesn’t stop me from walking, see?
(He walks a bit.)
CORDELIA WONDERBAR
But you have electric legs, Mr. Pantz. I am not so lucky.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
You should have volunteered for the experiment, Cordelia Wonderbar.
SALLY WONDERBAR
She did, but Mr. Pantz pretended he was her, and got the operation instead.
GÜNTER PANTZ
It’s not so wonderful having electric legs, you know.
VIKTOR HOOP
Sometimes his legs go crazy.
RIKTOR HOOP
Ohhhh, I feel so weak.
GÜNTER PANTZ
Like right now! Yiiiiii!
(GÜNTER’S legs start moving in bizarre ways beyond his control, sending him across the stage and back against his will.)
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Oh, Günter, I know you hate it when your legs do that, but I find it extremely exciting!
YVONNE MALADROIT
Nurse Tschopitov, are we going to do our exercises or not?
MONA LOUDGRUMBLE
Can’t we just get it over with so we can go back to bed?
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Mrs. Maladroit and Mrs. Loudgrumble, must I punish you for complaining?
YVONNE MALADROIT
This is supposed to be a hospital for the mentally and physically infirm, Nurse Tschopitov, not a torture chamber!
MONA LOUDGRUMBLE
Must we report you to the authorities?
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
I am the authorities, you miserable wretches!
VIKTOR HOOP
Don’t antagonize her, Mrs. Maladroit, or she’ll make us do that cursed Russian dance again.
RIKTOR HOOP
Doktor Güttmann took my kidney without my permission!
YVONNE MALADROIT
Poor miserable Mr. Hoop! He can barely stand!
MONA LOUDGRUMBLE
Can’t you put him out of his misery once and for all, Nurse Tschopitov?
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Oh, he’ll be all right.
GÜNTER PANTZ
It was just a kidney, and Doktor Güttmann knows best!
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
Excuse me! Excuse me! I need to use the commode!
FRITZI NITZI
Me too! Let me go first, Mr. Pantz!
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
No, Mrs. Lilypale and Mrs. Nitzi! No pee-pee for you! The bucket is full!
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
It’s disgraceful that there’s only one toilet in this whole hospital.
FRITZI NITZI
And it’s just a rusty bucket!
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
I’ll never get out of this place alive. Every day I get sicker and weaker.
FRITZI NITZI
They might as well just put me in a box right now and bury me.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
That’s enough complaining. Now, everyone, touch your toes!
(The PATIENTS all try to touch their toes. None succeeds. All cry out, groan, whimper, etc.)
GÜNTER PANTZ
Come on! Put some effort into it, you lazy dogs!
(More groaning, whimpering, and cries of pain.)
FRITZI NITZI
Oh, Nurse Tschopitov, why must we do these awful exercises? I have a dyspeptic stomach, and I might vomit at any minute!
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
We are sick, Nurse Tschopitov! Sick, do you hear? My vertebrae are disintegrating, and yet you make me bend!
MONA LOUDGRUMBLE
We are patients in a hospital, not soldiers in boot camp! Can’t you see that my knees are fused together, forcing me to hop?
YVONNE MALADROIT
And I have corroded lungs and can hardly breathe! See how I puff?
SALLY WONDERBAR
What about my teeth? Every one of them aches!
CORDELIA WONDERBAR
This wheelchair speaks for itself, you brutes!
RIKTOR HOOP
My kidney! Last night, the doktor cut it out of me with some sort of butcher knife!
VIKTOR HOOP
My small intestines are knotted like a hangman’s rope, and every time I bend, the noose tightens on my tummy!
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Oh, oh, oh, poor babies! Sooooo sick and helpless! Well, I DON’T CARE! Doktor Güttmann wants you to do exercises, and so you are going to do them!
GÜNTER PANTZ
Come along now, do your fifty pushups. It’s not so bad once you get started.
(The PATIENTS try painfully to do this, with mixed results and much pain and anguish. GÜNTER PANTZ and NURSE TSCHOPITOV urge them on harshly. DOKTOR GÜTTMANN enters with DÜMMKOPF.)
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Everything seems to be going well, Nurse Tschopitov.
DÜMMKOPF
They look like maggots crawling in the belly of a dead cow.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Silence, Dümmkopf! All right, my poor sick patients, you may stop doing pushups!
(The PATIENTS stop their efforts and stare warily at DOKTOR GÜTTMANN.)
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Now, I have good news. We have some important guests in the hospital. They are very rich. Make them feel sorry for you, and they might give us some money. Then, I will buy some cabbages and Dümmkopf will make cabbage soup for you.
PATIENTS
(weakly)
Hurray!
DÜMMKOPF
But Doktor Güttmann, I do not know how to make cabbage soup.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
I will operate on your brain to make you smart, Dümmkopf.
DÜMMKOPF
I see.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Remember, everyone, you must make the rich people feel sorry for you! Do you understand?
DÜMMKOPF
Then they will give us money.
FRITZI NITZI
That should be easy, because we are so weak and pathetic.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Good. Come, Dümmkopf, I need you to give me a bath so I smell nice for the rich people.
DÜMMKOPF
But we do not have a bathtub, Doktor Güttmann.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
We will use the mud puddle in the front yard.
(DOKTOR GÜTTMANN and DÜMMKOPF exit.)
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
You better make those rich people feel sorry for you and give us all their money, or Günter and I won’t invite you to our wedding.
GÜNTER PANTZ
And we won’t name our babies after you.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Oh, Günter! Babies!
(NURSE TSCHOPITOV and GÜNTER PANTZ exit.)
End of Act One, Scene 4.
Blüddengütz by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 5:
(The PATIENTS discuss their situation.)
VIKTOR HOOP
I don’t see why we have to try to look sick. We already are sick!
RIKTOR HOOP
How could I possibly look sicker?
SALLY WONDERBAR
But we need food and medicine.
FRITZI NITZI
And that costs money.
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
Those rich people are our only hope.
MONA LOUDGRUMBLE
We’ve got to make them feel sorry for us.
YVONNE MALADROIT
Without their help, we’ll die!
CORDELIA WONDERBAR
If pretending to be even sicker helps us get better, we must try!
VIRGINIA LILYPALE Here come the rich people! Try to look even more sick and useless than usual!
(The PATIENTS arrange themselves so they look like they are in utter agony as the SCHUTZPITTAL party and the THROTTLE party enter.)
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
Well, our rooms are rather plain, but they will do.
ONYA SAUERKRAUT
But they are filthy, Countess.
LADY THROTTLE
They do have a certain rustic charm.
(The ARISTOCRATIC parties are brought up short by the sight of the PATIENTS.)
VELVEETA
Look, Momma…other guests! Whatever is wrong with them?
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
They certainly look like they could use a good holiday here at this resort.
ONYA SAUERKRAUT
They appear to be extremely sick, Countess Schutzspittal.
TILLY THROTTLE
Mother, looking at them makes my shrunken brain ache.
NINNY PINAFORE
They look as though they could use a good strong cup of tea and a tot of rum.
YVONNE MALADROIT
Oh, my LUNGS! My LUNGS! I cannot BREATHE! Oh, heaven help me!
(The PATIENTS now begin a pitiable performance in order to win sympathy.)
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
My cursed spine! It is killing me! Every movement is agony! Does no one care?
Have pity! Have pity!
MONA LOUDGRUMBLE
Look upon my legs, all of you! They are welded together at the knees! Oh, what a wretched soul am I! Mercy, mercy!
FRITZI NITZI
Ugh! Argggghhhh! My GUT! My GUT! It churns like a butter barrel! Oh, I shall VOMIT! Is there no end to my suffering?
CORDELIA WONDERBAR
Push me off a cliff! Throw me in the ocean! Tie me to the railway tracks! Oh, the PAIN,the PAIN!
SALLY WONDERBAR
TOOTHACHE! Every ROOT is THROBBING! Oh! Oh! Oh! FREEZE MY HEAD!
RIKTOR HOOP
They stole my KIDNEY! And now I have a HOLE in my BACK! Does no one CARE?
VIKTOR HOOP
My intestines! They are TWISTING like SNAKES inside me! AGONY! PAIN! How can I go on?
VELVEETA
Oh, Momma…they are dying! See how they writhe with agony? What is happening? How could this holiday resort be a place of such suffering?
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
I do not understand it, Velveeta. A resort is supposed to be a place of great happiness.
ONYA SAUERKRAUT
You have been tricked, Countess Von Schutzspittal. This is not a resort.
LADY THROTTLE
Then what is it?
ONYA SAUERKRAUT
It is obviously a hospital for the poor.
NINNY PINAFORE
Miss Sauerkraut is right. Our rooms are hospital wards, and these poor souls are the patients.
TILLY THROTTLE
It hurts to look at them! Mother, can’t you do something?
LADY THROTTLE
I jolly well can! I shall summon the police!
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
The police! But Lady Throttle, surely this is a matter for the health authorities, not the police!
LADY THROTTLE
Then I shall bloody well…excuse my language…summon them both!
TILLY THROTTLE
Mother, you are so adamant!
LADY THROTTLE
I will not stand here and watch these poor souls suffering! It’s disgraceful! Hmmmppphhh!
(LADY THROTTLE exits.)
TILLY THROTTLE
Mother! Mother! Blast it all, she’s gotten into one of her little “moods” again!
(TILLY THROTTLE exits.)
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
But the police! Surely we don’t need them?
NINNY PINAFORE
It’s no use, madam. Once Lady Throttle has made up her mind, it’s full steam ahead.
(NINNY PINAFORE exits.)
YVONNE MALADROIT
My dear Mrs. Loudgrumble, assist me to my bed! Instead of money, we’re going to get a visit from the police! Oh, I cannot breathe! Air, air, give me air!
MONA LOUDGRUMBLE
I will try to help you, Mrs. Maladroit, even though my legs are stuck together. I shall hop! Yes, I shall hop, as I drag you!
(MONA LOUDGRUMBLE and YVONNE MALADROIT exit.)
CORDELIA WONDERBAR
Oh, my dear sister! Wheel me away! Wheel me away! No one cares about me! I am alone in my suffering!
SALLY WONDERBAR
I will wheel you, Cordelia, even though my teeth hurt like the devil! Cut off my head! Then I will feel better!
(SALLY WONDERBAR exits with CORDELIA WONDERBAR.)
RIKTOR HOOP
Viktor, Viktor, my brother! I am so weak! Help me get to my filthy little bed! Oh, my poor lonely kidney! It misses its meaty twin!
VIKTOR HOOP
Poor Riktor! I will do my best to help you, but I can hardly move because my intestines are strangling my heart! Oh! Oh!
(VIKTOR HOOP and RIKTOR HOOP exit.)
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
Mrs. Nitzi, I scarce can stand, my back is so bad! Every vertebra is disintegrating! Agony! Agony! Help me to my hard wooden plank, upon which I shall lie as though it were a bed of nails!
FRITZI NITZI
I will help, though my gut is rumbling like the cannons at Waterloo! Oh, it is as though armies are fighting a great battle in my belly, their bullets and swords slicing through the walls of my sensitive gut!
(FRITZI NITZI exits with VIRGINIA LILYPALE.)
VELVEETA
Oh, Momma! Oh, Momma! Never have I seen suffering on such a grand scale! My webbed fingers, sore bones, and pounding headache seem like nothing in comparison!
ONYA SAUERKRAUT
They’re in rough shape. It makes me glad my only infirmity is a wooden leg. Countess Von Schutzspittal, what are you going to do when the police arrive?
VELVEETA
Yes, Momma, what if they find out we have no money? Surely they will put us in jail for trying to cheat Doktor Güttmann!
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
We’ve come too far to turn back now! Perhaps a miracle will save us!
(HEIDI and LULU GÜTTMANN enter)
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
Excuse us for asking, but are you rich?
LULU GÜTTMANN
If you are rich, perhaps you can help us.
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
Poor dears! How pale you are!
VELVEETA
Poor dears, they appear to be dying!
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
We have not eaten for days.
LULU GÜTTMANN
We are fading away.
ONYA SAUERKRAUT
Countess Von Schutzspittal does not give money to beggars. Be off with you!
VELVEETA
No, no, Onya, we must try to help. Momma, I have one small pfennig! I will give it to them!
(VELVEETA takes out her pfennig, which is difficult to do with her mittened hand, and offers it HEIDI and LULU.)
VELVEETA
Here.
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
(seizing the pfennig)
A pfennig! I have not seen a pfennig for months!
LULU GÜTTMANN
(to VELVEETA)
You are a saint! We shall kiss you!
(HEIDI and LULU throw themselves at VELVEETA and attempt to smother her with hugs and kisses.)
VELVEETA
(settling them down)
Now, now, it is only a pfennig, not the crown jewels of Bavaria!
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
Velveeta, that is the lucky pfennig your father gave to you! To part with it is to invite disaster!
VELVEETA
No, Momma! I will give it away! Father was squashed by an elephant, was he not? So the pfennig is not so lucky for me. But perhaps it will bring good fortune to these two pale little babies!
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
I am so pale!
LULU GÜTTMANN
Me too! I am pale too!
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
I am paler!
LULU GÜTTMANN
No, I am palest! You, the one called Velveeta, who is palest?
VELVEETA
It does not matter. The pfennig is for both of you, my poor dear little babies! How I wish I was your mütter!
ONYA SAUERKRAUT
Do not be a fool, Velveeta! If you must have babies, find a rich man. Don’t waste your time on these two wastelings.
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
No, no, Miss Sauerkraut, Velveeta’s instincts are correct. She must adopt babies, because no man will wed a girl with webbed fingers!
VELVEETA
Oh, oh, oh! I am cursed! No man will ever love me!
(VELVEETA throws herself down, sobbing violently.)
ONYA SAUERKRAUT
Perhaps she shouldn’t have given away the lucky pfennig.
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
We will go now and spend the lucky pfennig.
LULU GÜTTMANN
It is enough for one small lollipop. A red one!
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
No, a green one!
LULU GÜTTMANN
No, a red one!
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
A green one! A green one!
(HEIDI and LULU exit, arguing and tussling as they go.)
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
Get up, Velveeta. We must retire to our room and prepare a strategem with which to deceive the police!
(COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL, ONYA SAUERKRAUT, and VELVEETA exit.)
End of Act One, Scene 5.
Blüddengütz by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 1:
(LADY THROTTLE, TILLY THROTTLE, and NINNY PINAFORE enter with POLICE INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE andhis wife BERTILDA VON SCHNOZZLE.)
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
You say that criminal activities are taking place in Blüddengütz Hospital, Lady Throttle?
LADY THROTTLE
Oh, yes, Inspector Von Schnozzle. The patients here are being abused!
BERTILDA VON SCHNOZZLE
Abused! Oh, Gerhardt, you must do something!
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
Now, now, Bertilda, my good wife, let us not jump to conclusions. There must first be an investigation!
(DOKTOR RITESETTER, the government health inspector, enters.)
DOKTOR RITESETTER
I am Doktor Ritesetter, from the Imperial Ministry of Hygiene and Hedgehogs.
NINNY PINAFORE
Hedgehogs?
DOKTOR RITESETTER
(to NINNY)
Your accent tells me you are English, no?
NINNY PINAFORE
As English as fried bread, Doktor Ritesetter.
DOKTOR RITESETTER
Then you perhaps do not know that our country’s borders are protected by hedgehogs trained to hurl themselves at our enemies at the slightest provocation?
NINNY PINAFORE
I don’t see what hedgehogs have to do with hygiene.
LADY THROTTLE
Please, Miss Pinafore, we are getting nowhere with this inconsequential banter! Doktor Ritesetter, thank you for responding to my request.
TILLY THROTTLE
Are you going to invite the army too, Mother? And the Catholic church? Perhaps you think the angels themselves should descend on Blüddengütz and set things right?
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
Your daughter is rude, Lady Throttle. I could arrest her for a small fee.
BERTILDA VON SCHNOZZLE
A night in one of Gerhardt’s jails would teach her to respect you, Lady Throttle..
LADY THROTTLE
No, no. Please forgive Tilly. Her brain is abnormal.
TILLY THROTTLE
One half is shriveled. The other is bloated.
DOKTOR RITESETTER
I am disappointed that you and your wife are here, Inspector Von Schnozzle. I could have managed this investigation on my own.
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
Nonsense, Doktor Ritesetter. Three heads are better than one, especially when one of them is a stupid bureaucrat from the Ministry of Hygiene and Hedgehogs!
DOKTOR RITESETTER
You insult me, Von Schnozzle! For revenge, I will pull your wife’s hair!
(DOKTOR RITESETTER pulls BERTILDA’S hair.)
BERTILDA VON SCHNOZZLE
Owwww! Gerhardt! Make her let go!
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
(grabbing DOKTOR RITESETTER around the waste and attempting to pull her away from BERTILDA)
Release my wife, or I shall have you charged with cruelty to animals!
BERTILDA VON SCHNOZZLE
(breaking free)
Gerhardt! I am not an animal!
(BERTILDA grabs her husband and puts him in a headlock.)
BERTILDA VON SCHNOZZLE
Take it back! Take it back, I say!
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
My neck! Oh, my darling, you’re breaking it!
LADY THROTTLE
Blasted foreigners! So undisciplined! No wonder this hospital is in chaos!
DOKTOR RITESETTER
(pulling VON SCHNOZZLE and his wife apart)
Von Schnozzle, we must show this Englishwoman how wrong she is! Let us agree to work together!
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
Agreed!
(DOKTOR RITESETTER and INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE shake hands.)
BERTILDA VON SCHNOZZLE
Gerhardt, I will kick you in the crotch if you do not apologize!
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
Very well! I am sorry I called you a pig, Bertilda.
BERTILDA VON SCHNOZZLE
You did not call me a pig.
DOKTOR RITESETTER
You called her an animal, which is a more general term.
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
In the future I shall be more specific.
BERTILDA VON SCHNOZZLE
Good. Now I am satisfied.
DOKTOR RITESETTER
Now, Lady Throttle, what is the exact nature of your complaint about Blüddengütz Institute?
TILLY THROTTLE
Mother thinks the patients here are being abused because they are filthy, exhausted, and in constant pain.
NINNY PINAFORE
You’d never see that sort of thing in an English hospital.
TILLY THROTTLE
You must put a stop to it, Doktor Ritesetter.
LADY THROTTLE
We were told that Blüddengütz was a holiday resort, but it’s nothing but a filthy, stinking, foul, nasty, disgusting hell hole run by that degenerate old reprobate Doktor Güttmann!
NINNY PINAFORE
Lady Throttle’s husband sent us here without any expense money.
TILLY THROTTLE
So we are trapped, Doktor Ritesetter and Inspector Von Schnozzle! Trapped! And my brain is hurting very, very much!
(TILLY staggers slightly, as if to emphasize the point.)
BERTILDA VON SCHNOZZLE
Poor child! Let me comfort you!
(BERTILDA attempts to hug TILLY.)
TILLY THROTTLE
(breaking free adroitly)
No! You are a foreigner. I will not let you fondle my English flesh!
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
It is you who are the foreigners, and so we cannot help you.
DOKTOR RITESETTER
We are legally obliged to assist only our own citizens, not strangers from snotty places like England.
LADY THROTTLE
But your own citizens are being abused here!
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
If that is true, we will help them.
DOKTOR RITESETTER
But you can expect nothing from us. You are rude.
NINNY PINAFORE
Rude! We are English! The English are incapable of rudeness! You deserve a good hiding!
(NINNY tries to pull DOKTOR RITESETTER over her lap to give her a spanking.)
DOKTOR RITESETTER
Unhand me, you English bulldog!
BERTILDA VON SCHNOZZLE
Gerhardt! You could learn a thing or two from that English maid!
TILLY THROTTLE
Full steam ahead, Miss Pinafore! I will assist you!
(TILLY gets into the action, forcing DOKTOR RITESETTER onto MISS PINAFORE’S lap. MISS PINAFORE raises her arm to administer the first spank, but LADY THROTTLE intercedes, stopping her.)
LADY THROTTLE
No, Miss Pinafore! We have more important things to attend to!
(DOKTOR RITESETTER is allowed to get up and brush herself off.)
DOKTOR RITESETTER
You attempted to spank me, but you did not succeed. Let that be a lesson to you.
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
Now we must inspect the hospital to see if any of your claims are true, Lady Throttle.
DOKTOR RITESETTER
If you are fabricating your accusations, I shall personally see to it that you all receive spankings, on one of our spanking machines in the cellars of the Ministry of Health and Hedgehogs!
LADY THROTTLE
Everything I say is true. Come along! I’m determined to have that Güttmann woman arrested as soon as is humanly possible!
(NURSE TSCHOPITOV enters, chased by GÜNTER PANTZ.)
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Oh, Günter, stop chasing me, you naughty boy!
GÜNTER PANTZ
I want you, Willy!
(GÜNTER stalks NURSE TSCHOPITOV…she backs away.)
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
No, Günter! We must wait until we are married!
GÜNTER PANTZ
But I am desperately in love with you, Willy! Just one kiss, I beg you!
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Very well! You may kiss my handkerchief!
(NURSE TSCHOPITOV tosses him her hanky. Taking up the hanky, GÜNTER PANTZ inhales its perfumy fragrance deeply, then sneezes violently into it, following up the sneeze with a violent blowing of his nose into the hanky.)
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Günter! You have defiled my hanky!
GÜNTER PANTZ
I am sorry, Willy…your perfume…it intoxicates me! Here…
(GÜNTER PANTZ tries to return the hanky to NURSE TSCHOPITOV.)
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Keep it, Günter, as a harbinger of things to come..
GÜNTER PANTZ
Then perhaps you will give me your dress as well?
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Oh, Günter, such romantic thougts!
(For the first time NURSE TSCHOPITOV notices the people watching her.)
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Günter…we are being watched!
GÜNTER PANTZ
Hmmmmmm?
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Watched, Günter! Look!
(NURSE TSCHOPITOV points to the others. GÜNTER finally sees them.)
GÜNTER PANTZ
(to the watching group)
Haven’t you ever seen two people in love before! Give me peck, Willi. Show them how much you adore me!
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
You’re so naughty, Günter! Come and get me, if you think you’re quick enough!
GÜNTER PANTZ
I can do anything on my wonderful electric legs!
(GÜNTER does some stunts on his legs…the watchers gasp.)
GÜNTER PANTZ
Just think, before Doktor Güttmann performed the operation, I was such a slowpoke. Now see me go!
(GÜNTER runs in a circle.)
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Oh, Günter! I don’t stand a chance!
(NURSE TSCHOPITO exits with GÜNTER PANTZ chasing her.)
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
They don’t appear to be suffering, Lady Throttle.
DOKTOR RITESETTER
On the contrary, they seem to be thoroughly enjoying themselves.
LADY THROTTLE
But don’t you see, they’re supposed to be helping the patients and all they can do is chase each other like a pair of randy antelopes!
TILLY THROTTLE
Let’s go and find some of those pathetic patients! That ought to prove your point, Mother.
(The group exits.)
End of Act Two, Scene 1.
Blüddengütz by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 2:
(DOKTOR GÜTTMANN enters with DÜMMKOPF.)
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Thank you for giving me a bath in that mud puddle, Dümmkopf.
DÜMMKOPF
Why don’t you bathe yourself, Doktor Güttmann?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
(holding up her surgeon’s hands)
I must not risk damaging my fingers, Dümmkopf. I am a surgeon, remember?
DÜMMKOPF
Yes, and a good one. You gave Günter Pantz lovely new electric legs!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
But I spent all our money on those legs, and now everyone is suffering.
DÜMMKOPF
Günter should be more grateful. All he does is chase Willi Tschopitov around the building.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Ever since he got his new legs, he thinks he is something special.
DÜMMKOPF
He is something special. In the old days, when he had regular legs, Nurse Tschopitov would never have looked at him twice.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
I tried to do something good, Dümmkopf, but it turned out badly.
DÜMMKOPF
Perhaps you should make Günter give back the electric legs.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
No. He loves those legs.
DÜMMKOPF
But they don’t even work right.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
You don’t work right, Dümmkopf, but I love you!
DÜMMKOPF
Doktor Güttmann, you are complicated.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
I am a human being, Dümmkopf.
(HEIDI and LULU GÜTTMANN enter.)
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
Mütter! Mütter! We made the little girl with the mittens feel sorry for us!
LULU GÜTTMANN
She gave us a lucky pfennig!
DÜMMKOPF
A pfennig!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Where is it?
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
(holding it up)
Here!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Give it to me!
LULU GÜTTMANN
But Mütter, we want to buy a little red lollipop!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
It is a lucky pfennig, stupid girls! Do not spend it!
DÜMMKOPF
Give it to your Mütter.
LULU and HEIDI
No! We will have our lollipop!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Take it from them, Dümmkopf!
DÜMMKOPF
Ya, Doktor!
(DÜMMKOPF goes after the twin sisters, who run away.)
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
(running)
Stupid Dümmkopf! You can’t catch us!
LULU GÜTTMANN
(running)
We are young and you are old!
DÜMMKOPF
(puffing)
Please, I am just an old man with a hunchback!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Children! Stop teasing Dümmkopf!
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
(holding out the pfennig to DÜMMKOPF)
Here you are, Dümmkopf!
(DÜMMKOPF goes to HEIDI, but she throws the pfennig to LULU.)
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
Stupid Dümmkopf!
LULU GÜTTMANN
(holding the pfennig out ot DÜMMKOPF)
Come and get it, Dümmkopf!
DÜMMKOPF
Oooof!
(DÜMMKOPF blunders towards LULU, who runs away from him. The two girls run in circles with DÜMMKOPF trying to catch them until their mother grabs them both and slams them together, making them fall down.)
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
They are hysterical!
DÜMMKOPF
Doktor Güttmann! I faint!
(DÜMMKOPF collapses.)
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Dümmkopf!
(DOKTOR GÜTTMANN rushes to the side of the hapless servant.)
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
(getting up)
What is the matter with Dümmkopf?
LULU GÜTTMANN
(getting up)
Why is he lying there like that?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
(shaking DÜMMKOPF)
Dümmkopf! DÜMMKOPF!
(DOKTOR GÜTTMANN listens to DÜMMKOPF’S heart.)
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
See what you have done?
HEIDI AND LULU GÜTTMANN
What have we done?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Dümmkopf is dead!
HEIDI AND LULU GÜTTMANN
Oh, oh, oh, poor Dümmkopf!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Now will you give to me the lucky pfennig?
HEIDI AND LULU GÜTTMANN
(as LULU thrusts the pfennig at her mother)
Take it! Take it! It is cursed!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Now go to your room and pray! Ask God to take Dümmkopf to heaven! And also ask him not to send you to hell!
HEIDI AND LULU GÜTTMANN
We go! We go!
(HEIDI and LULU exit, looking back guiltily at DÜMMKOPF.)
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
You can get up now, Dümmkopf. You did a good job of fooling my children.
(DÜMMKOPF sits up.)
DÜMMKOPF
Did you get the pfennig?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
(holding it up)
Of course!
DÜMMKOPF
What are you going to do with it?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
I want to see if it has magical powers. After all, the girl with the webbed fingers said it was lucky.
DÜMMKOPF
Magical powers? But you are a doktor, a scientist. You do not believe in magic.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Yes. But I will do anything to save Blüddengütz Institute, Dümmkopf, and help my patients get better.
DÜMMKOPF
Even magic?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Even magic. Come, we will take the pfennig to my laboratory and test it.
(DOKTOR GÜTTMANN and DUMMKOPF exit.)
End of Act Two, Scene 2.
Blüddengütz by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 3:
(VIKTOR and RIKTOR HOOP enter.)
VIKTOR HOOP
Do you feel better yet, Riktor, my brother?
RIKTOR HOOP
No, Viktor! That hole in my back is as big as a football!
VIKTOR HOOP
I don’t know why Doktor Güttmann had to take your kidney. Why didn’t she take someone else’s?
RIKTOR HOOP
That’s what I say.
VIKTOR HOOP
She can have my diseased intestines. I don’t want them.
RIKTOR HOOP
We used to be so healthy, when we were boys.
VIKTOR HOOP
Mama would feed us sausages and cheese balls and thick slabs of butter.
RIKTOR HOOP
And Father would chase us round the hayfield with a pitchfork.
VIKTOR HOOP
He would jab our buttocks and make us yelp like frightened puppies.
RIKTOR HOOP
It was so funny.
VIKTOR HOOP
Then you and I forgot to feed the cows.
RIKTOR HOOP
So the cows got angry.
VIKTOR HOOP
And broke into Mama and Father’s bedroom at midnight.
RIKTOR HOOP
And trampled them to death.
VIKTOR HOOP
And we had to run for our lives.
RIKTOR HOOP
With the angry cows only meters behind us!
VIKTOR HOOP
Then we fell headfirst into that salt mine.
RIKTOR HOOP
Where they made us work until we got sick.
VIKTOR HOOP
And then they sent us here.
RIKTOR HOOP
I hated that salt mine but I hate it here even more.
VIKTOR HOOP
Now my kidney is gone…
RIKTOR HOOP
And my intestines are strangling my stomach.
VIKTOR HOOP
If those rich people don’t give us money, we’ll die here.
(HEIDI and LULU GÜTTMANN run across wailing.)
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
We killed Dümmkopf! We killed Dümmkopf!
LULU GÜTTMANN
We’re going to hell! We’re going to hell!
VIKTOR HOOP
Poor Dümmkopf!
RIKTOR HOOP
I wonder how they killed him?
(INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE, BERTILDA, DOKTOR RITESETTER, LADY THROTTLE, TILLY, and NINNY PINAFORE enter.)
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
Did two girls just run through here?
VIKTOR and RIKTOR
Yes.
BERTILDA VON SCHNOZZLE
Were they shouting about killing someone?
VIKTOR and RIKTOR
Yes.
DOKTOR RITESETTER
Which way did they go?
VIKTOR and RIKTOR
(pointing)
That way.
LADY THROTTLE
(to VIKTOR and RIKTOR)
My good fellows, there is something beyond evil going on in this awful place!
TILLY THROTTLE
Those children killed that poor, misshapen man whose back looks like my brain!
NINNY PINAFORE
Are you two patients here at Blüddengütz?
VIKTOR and RIKTOR
We are.
DOKTOR RITESETTER
I am Doktor Ritesetter from the Ministry of Health and Hedgehogs. Let me inspect you.
(feeling VIKTOR’S middle)
Your intestines are knotted up like a boy scout’s rope at a jamboree!
(feeling RIKTOR’S back)
Good heavens, there’s a hole in your back the size of a football!
– VIKTOR and RIKTOR
Help us! Help us!
– LADY THROTTLE
Indeed we shall, my lads! Come along, everyone, let’s get these two to bed and unearth some more of these poor, suffering souls!
TILLY THROTTLE
Hurrah for England!
NINNY PINAFORE
God save the King!
(They all exit.)
End of Act Two, Scene 3.
Blüddengütz by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 4:
(YVONNE MALADROIT enters with MONA LOUDGRUMBLE.)
YVONNE MALADROIT
Oh, my lungs! I hope those rich people give us some money soon, or I shall die, Mrs. Loudgrumble!
MONA LOUDGRUMBLE
Thank you for helping me, Mrs. Maladroit. I hate having to hop, but I must exercise non-stop or I will seize up completely!
YVONNE MALADROIT
Doktor Güttmann should have operated on your legs, Mrs. Loudgrumble, instead of that awful Günter Pantz.
MONA LOUDGRUMBLE
And now she has no more money.
YVONNE MALADROIT
My husband sent me here to get over my lung disease, but he was killed by a herd of stampeding Lutherans, leaving me penniless.
MONA LOUDGRUMBLE
Stampeding Lutherans?
YVONNE MALADROIT
They were trying to escape from a herd of angry Catholics.
MONA LOUDGRUMBLE
Why were the Catholics angry?
YVONNE MALADROIT Some vandals spattered paint on the wall of the Lutheran church, and someone thought it looked like the face of the Virgin Mary.
MONA LOUDGRUMBLE
But I don’t see why that would make the Catholics angry.
YVONNE MALADROIT
The Lutherans painted over it.
MONA LOUDGRUMBLE
Oh! Now I understand. My husband was squashed by a falling fish.
YVONNE MALADROIT
A falling fish?
MONA LOUDGRUMBLE
Yes. A large tuna. Two chefs were arguing over it in a seventh story café, and one of them stuffed it out the window so the other couldn’t have it.
YVONNE MALADROIT
Life is so unfair. To think, one moment your husband was walking down the street whistling a happy tune, and the next he was lying there squished under a huge tunafish.
MONA LOUDGRUMBLE
And your husband was squashed by Lutherans. And now we’re waiting to die here in this hospital for the poor.
(COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL, VELVEETA, and ONYA SAUERKRAUT enter.)
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
Excuse me, my good women, have you seen any policemen around here?
MONA and YVONNE
No!
VELVEETA
You see, Momma! I gave away the lucky pfennig, and now we are having luck!
ONYA SAUERKRAUT
Foolish girl! Perhaps a policeman is coming around the corner right now!
(INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE enters, wrestling with DOKTOR RITESETTER, followed by BERTILDA, LADY THROTTLE, TILLY, and NINNY PINAFORE.)
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
I will not allow you to interfere with my investigation, Doktor Ritesetter!
DOKTOR RITESETTER
No! I will strangle you, you stupid policeman! I am Doktor Ritesetter! Doktor Ritesetter, do you hear!
(DOKTOR RITESETTER begins to successfully strangle poor INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE.)
NINNY PINAFORE
She’s strangling the poor bloke!
BERTILDA VON SCHNOZZLE
Someone help my husband! He has a bad heart!
LADY THROTTLE
This is altogether irregular and must stop at once.
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
Aaaarggghhhhhhhhh!
(Suddenly INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE goes limp. DOKTOR RITESETTER releases him and he slumps to the floor.)
TILLY THROTTLE
Now she’s gone and done it. The unfortunate blighter’s dead.
DOKTOR RITESETTER
Dead? Nonsense! Stand back, I’m a doktor!
(DOKTOR RITESETTER listens for INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE’S heartbeat.)
DOKTOR RITESETTER
Just as I suspected, he’s faking!
BERTILDA VON SCHNOZZLE
Faking?
DOKTOR RITESETTER
(getting up and kicking VON SCHNOZZLE)
Get up, you phoney!
BERTILDA VON SCHNOZZLE
(running to him)
Oh, poor Gerhardt! You’ve always been weak!
LADY THROTTLE
I say, that’s not very sportsman-like, Doktor Ritesetter!
VELVEETA
Oh, oh, oh, I can’t stand to witness this violence!
(Everyone watches VELVEETA as she swats at the air uselessly with her mittened hands.)
DOKTOR RITESETTER
Why are you wearing mittens, my child?
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
It is a new fashion.
DOKTOR RITESETTER
Don’t lie, madam. I am from the Ministry of Health and Hedgehogs, and I will have the truth out of you even if I have to have you stretched!
ONYA SAUERKRAUT
The child’s fingers are webbed. That is not a crime.
VELVEETA
Always, I have had webbed fingers. My father too had webs. He was squashed by an elephant.
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
(to DOKTOR RITESETTER)
My good woman, I am Countess Ulrika Von Schutzspittal, and I am an aristocrat. You did not know that, but now you do, and I expect you to behave accordingly.
DOKTOR RITESETTER
It is my job to find out what’s going on in this dungeon of a hospital, Countess Von Schutzspittal, and I intend to do so.
ONYA SAUERKRAUT
Does your job include strangling policemen, Fraulein Doktor?
DOKTOR RITESETTER
Just as you try to put me in my place, I had to put him in his.
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
(reviving)
Where am I? Is that you, my dear?
BERTILDA VON SCHNOZZLE
Yes, Gerhardt. That doktor tried to strangle you.
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
I shall have her arrested!
LADY THROTTLE
(at the end of her tether)
You must all stop this nonsense immediately! Those two patients over there look as though they are about to die, and you squabble like naughty children!
YVONNE MALADROIT
Oh, my poor, poor lungs! They are clogged with bile from witnessing that violence!
MONA LOUDGRUMBLE
I wanted to help that poor policeman, but all I can do is hop like some sort of human pogo stick!
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
Velveeta! Miss Sauerkraut! We shall help those two unfortunate women back to their beds!
ONYA SAUERKRAUT
Come on, Velveeta, time for you to do something useful instead of flapping about like a dying bird.
VELVEETA
Momma, I’m sorry my webbed fingers cause so much trouble. Perhaps I should have them chopped off.
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
Nonsense. They remind me of your dead father, and I would not part with them for anything.
(The VON SCHUTZSPITTALS and ONYA SAUERKRAUT exit with MONA and YVONNE.)
LADY THROTTLE
Surely you’ve seen enough to shut this hospital down, Doktor Ritesetter and Inspector Von Schnozzle?
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
The only evidence of illegal activity was that beating you gave me, Doktor Ritesetter.
DOKTOR RITESETTER
I was merely calming you down, Von Schnozzle, which is what I’ll tell the court if you press charges. And I have powerful friends in the justice system.
NINNY PINAFORE
Listen to her! She thinks she’s some sort of important mucky-muck who can do whatever she wants!
TILLY THROTTLE
In good old England, they’d clean her clock in a hurry, I’d wager. She reminds me of the Sheriff of Nottingham.
BERTILDA VON SCHNOZZLE
Don’t you have any compassion in you, Doktor Ritesetter?
DOKTOR RITESETTER
I didn’t get to where I am today by being a soft little girly-girly powder-puff pansy. Now come on, we must continue the investigation!
(They exit.)
End of Act Two, Scene 4.
Blüddengütz by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 5:
(VIRGINIA LILYPALE enters with FRITZI NITZI.)
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
Thank you for assisting me, Mrs. Nitzi. I couldn’t lie on my hard little plank a moment longer.
FRITZI NITZI
Oh, I don’t mind helping, Mrs. Lilypale. My gut needs the exercise.
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
To think I once had a good strong back, capable of toting bales and carrying logs.
FRITZI NITZI
There was a time when I could eat anything, but now even a cup of warm water hurts like hydrochloric acid.
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
I ruined my back trying to lift a house off my squashed husband.
FRITZI NITZI
A house?
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
A peasant’s hut carried away by a tornado. It landed on my husband while he was making love to a milkmaid in our orchard.
FRITZI NITZI
He was cheating on you and still you tried to help him?
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
No. I wanted to lift the house off him so I could stomp on him myself. But my back gave out, and I gave up. He was dead anyway and so was the milkmaid, so I hurt my back for nothing.
FRITZI NITZI
My husband was squashed by a battleship.
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
I’d say that trumps a house as an awful way to get squashed.
FRITZI NITZI
He was in the navy, you see, a common sailor.
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
He died an uncommon death.
FRITZI NITZI
He got drunk and went to sleep in a little wooden boat in the harbour. It got jammed between a battleship and a tugboat, and he got squished.
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
That’s a permanent way to cure a hangover.
FRITZI NITZI
When I heard the news, my stomach started to hurt, and it’s never stopped.
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
We had debts, so I was left penniless. I had no choice but to get admitted to this awful place. I’ll die here, I expect.
FRITZI NITZI
No one gets out of here alive, because no one cares about the poor. We’re an inconvenience, and that’s that.
(NURSE TSCHOPITOV enters, chased by GÜNTER PANTZ.)
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Günter, I’m tired of being chased. Perhaps we should do some work.
GÜNTER PANTZ
Yes. I’m exhausted too. Even a man with electric legs can get tired.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Mrs. Nitzi and Mrs. Lilypale, what are you doing out of bed?
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
I cannot lie on my hard plank forever, Nurse Tschopitov. I must move about a bit.
FRITZI NITZI
If I don’t move, my gut boils like a kettle.
GÜNTER PANTZ
Have you seen the rich people yet?
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
Yes, and we put on a show for them, just like Doktor Güttmann wanted.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
And?
FRITZI NITZI
One of them, an Englishwoman called Lady Throttle, went off to fetch the police.
GÜNTER PANTZ
The police!
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
(taking GÜNTER aside)
Günter, if the police find out we’ve abused these patients, we could end up in jail!
GÜNTER PANTZ
Yes! We better be nice to these two, so they won’t turn us in!
(They go back to VIRGINIA and FRITZI.)
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
So, Mrs. Lilypale, how is your poor sore back?
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
What do you care? The last time I saw you, you were making me touch my toes and do pushups.
GÜNTER PANTZ
We were just following orders, Mrs. Lilypale. We don’t like to, but Doktor Güttmann is the boss after all, and we must obey her.
FRITZI NITZI
Doktor Güttmann wants us to do mild exercises. But you make us work like soldiers.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Do we, Mrs. Nitzi? I’m so sorry. I hope you can forgive me. Here, let me massage your gut.
(The nurse attempts to massage the poor woman’s gut.)
FRITZI NITZI
No! Stay away from my gut! You don’t care about us! You’re only pretending to because you’re scared you’ll get into trouble!
GÜNTER PANTZ
Please don’t tell the police we abused you! Willi and I want to be married and have babies, and that’s difficult to do in jail!
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
You should have thought of that years ago, before you started tormenting poor sick people.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
All right, if you won’t be nice to us, we won’t be nice to you.
GÜNTER PANTZ
We’ll strangle you, then you won’t be able to talk to the police.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Günter, I don’t think….
GÜNTER PANTZ
Let’s do it, Willi. No one will know. It’ll look like they died from natural causes.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
I suppose so.
FRITZI NITZI
No! Please don’t strangle us!
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
We won’t talk! We promise!
GÜNTER PANTZ
Too late! We don’t trust you! C’mon, Willi, let’s get rid of them!
(GÜNTER PANTZ begins to strangle VIRGINIA, and NURSE TSCHOPITOV starts to strangle FRITZI as DOKTOR GÜTTMANN and DÜMMKOPF enter.)
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Nurse Tschopitov! Günter Pantz! What are you doing?
DÜMMKOPF
Are you mad?
GÜNTER PANTZ
(as he and NURSE TSCHOPITOV release FRITZI and VIRGINIA)
We were doing neck messages to ease their pain, Doktor Güttmann!
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Isn’t that right, Mrs. Lilypale and Mrs. Nitzi?
(NURSE TSCHOPITOV and GÜNTER give the frightened women intimidating looks.)
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
(in an undertone of menace)
ISN’T THAT RIGHT?
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
Um, yes, that’s right…a massage. I feel…feel…so much…so much better.
FRITZI NITZI
Me too…I’m good now…more…more…relaxed.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Good. Go to your hard plank, Mrs. Lilypale…and you go to your filthy bed, Mrs. Nitzi.
VIRGINIA and FRITZI
Yes, Doktor Güttmann.
(They begin their exit. Partway, they stop and talk quietly to each other.)
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
We’ve got to warn everyone that Nurse Güttman and Günter Pantz will kill them!
FRITZI NITZI
Yes! Perhaps we shall all have to run away into the cold, dark streets, and die there!
(They exit.)
DÜMMKOPF
Doktor Güttmann, Günter and Willi were trying to kill those women.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
You must not kill the patients, Günter and Willi. It is wrong. Do you understand me?
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
But the police are investigating the hospital, Doktor Güttmann! They will be angry with us because the patients are filthy, sick, and hungry.
DÜMMKOPF
Stupid Willi! To think I let you kiss me! Doktor Güttmann is doing the best she can. Why, she even gave you electric legs, Günter!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
You are ungrateful, Günter. You repay my kindness by strangling my patients.
GÜNTER PANTZ
Willi was bad too.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
What am I going to do with you?
DÜMMKOPF
The police will make us close the hospital, Doktor Güttmann.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
We are in a fine pickle. Willi and Günter, I have here a lucky pfennig. I am giving it to you.
(DOKTOR GÜTTMANN hands them the pfennig.)
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
But why, Doktor Güttmann? We have been so naughty. We do not deserve it.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Perhaps it will help you be good. Now go to your little rooms and think about what you have done.
DÜMMKOPF
What if they strangle someone?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
They won’t, because if they do, we will tell the police how it happened, and Günter and Willi’s heads will be chopped off.
DÜMMKOPF
Go away, you two horrible people.
(NURSE TSCHOPITOV and GÜNTER PANTZ exit, heads hung down with shame, and fear in their hearts that they will be turned over to the police. At that moment, HEIDI and LULU GÜTTMANN enter on the run, then slam to a halt when they see DÜMMKOPF.)
HEIDI AND LULU GÜTTMANN
A ghost!
DÜMMKOPF
I have come back to get my revenge!
(HEIDI and LULU scream, and DÜMMKOPF chases them around the stage.)
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
Mütter! Mütter! Save us!
LULU GÜTTMANN
We do not want to die, Mütter!
DÜMMKOPF
I will pull your guts out of your mouths!
(HEIDI and LULU scream some more and run offstage.)
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Good work, Dümmkopf. I no longer think you are stupid.
DÜMMKOPF
Hurray! I do not need a brain operation!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Come on, we must find those rich people and get them to give us money before the police close the hospital!
(They exit.)
End of Act Two, Scene 5.
Blüddengütz by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 6:
(CORDELIA and SALLY WONDERBAR enter.)
CORDELIA WONDERBAR
Do your teeth still hurt, my poor sister?
SALLY WONDERBAR
Oh yes, Cordelia. They feel like nails in my jaw.
CORDELIA WONDERBAR
I wish I could help you, Sally, but I don’t have any pliers.
SALLY WONDERBAR
Pliers?
CORDELIA WONDERBAR
Yes, pliers…to pull out your teeth.
SALLY WONDERBAR
But I want to keep my teeth, Cordelia.
CORDELIA WONDERBAR
Don’t be silly. You should get rid of them. Then you wouldn’t have any pain.
SALLY WONDERBAR
Wouldn’t you rather have legs that hurt than legs that are chopped off?
CORDELIA WONDERBAR
Yes, of course.
SALLY WONDERBAR
So I’d rather have teeth that hurt than just gums because I want to eat chewy things.
CORDELIA WONDERBAR
But we never get anything to eat anyway.
SALLY WONDERBAR
It’s a shame my husband Frank got squashed by a large boulder.
CORDELIA WONDERBAR
He shouldn’t have stood under such a big, unstable rock.
SALLY WONDERBAR
Before, he was a big, fat man. Afterwards, he was flat like a pancake.
CORDELIA WONDERBAR
And my poor husband Bruno got squished by a team of oxen pulling a heavy sled full of lumber over a snowy field.
SALLY WONDERBAR
He was just trying to have fun in a snow tunnel with your little boy Ernst.
CORDELIA WONDERBAR
And suddenly the sled was on top of them and they were dead.
SALLY WONDERBAR
And now we are trapped in this dirty hospital for poor people, waiting to die.
(INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE enters with BERTILDA. They are holding GÜNTER PANTZ under arrest. DOKTOR RITESETTER and LADY THROTTLE enter, holding NURSE TSCHOPITOV under arrest. TILLY THROTTLE and NINNY PINAFORE follow them in.)
SALLY WONDERBAR
The police! And a government agent!
CORDELIA WONDERBAR
Why have you arrested Mr. Pantz and Nurse Tschopitov?
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
They were trying to strangle each other.
SALLY WONDERBAR
Each other?
DOKTOR RITESETTER
Apparently, they had a little disagreement about a pfennig.
GÜNTER PANTZ
We were massaging each other’s necks!
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Can’t two grown-ups fondle each others necks without going to jail for it?
LADY THROTTLE
We’ll let the courts decide that. I daresay if we’d been a moment or two later, one or the other of you would’ve been dead.
TILLY THROTTLE
Look at them! I’ve only got half a brain, and even I can tell they’re not worth a pot to piddle in, or a window to throw it out of.
NINNY PINAFORE
(holding up the pfennig)
We found this curious little coin.
BERTILDA VON SCHNOZZLE
It’s the pfennig they were fighting over.
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
It’s worth almost nothing, and yet they were willing to kill each other to get it.
GÜNTER PANTZ
It’s supposed to bring luck, but I say the damn thing’s cursed.
(HEIDI and LULU GÜTTMANN run in.)
HEIDI GÜTTMANN
Help us! Help us!
LULU GÜTTMANN
The ghost of the man we murdered is after us!
DOKTOR RITESETTER
Someone grab those brats!
(TILLY grabs HEIDI and NINNY grabs LULU.)
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
So there has been a murder!
HEIDI and LULU GÜTTMANN
We’re sorry! Please don’t chop off our dizzy little heads!
(COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL enters with VELVEETA and ONYA SAUERKRAUT, and MONA LOUDGRUMBLE and YVONNE MALADROIT.)
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
Our holiday has gone on long enough. We are leaving immediately and taking Mrs. Maladroit and Mrs. Loudgrumble with us.
VELVEETA
Mrs. Maladroit’s husband was squashed by Lutherans, and Mrs. Loudgrumble’s husband was squashed by a tunafish, so we’re going to let them live with us, even though we don’t have a penny!
ONYA SAUERKRAUT
Velveeta! You little fool!
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
Don’t have a penny, eh? So how are you going to pay for your little stay here at Blüddengütz, Countess?
DOKTOR RITESETTER
No wonder you said all that nonsense about being a countess, and me keeping to my place! You were trying to hide the fact that you have no money!
MONA LOUDGRUMBLE
How can you be so unkind to this lovely lady?
YVONNE MALADROIT
She may be penniless, but she is the only one that has shown us true mercy.
NINNY PINAFORE
You Von Schutzspittals might as well have this pfennig. Sounds like you need it.
(NINNY throws the pfennig and VELVEETA catches it with her mittened hands.)
VELVEETA
The lucky pfennig my poor squashed father gave me! It’s come back!
(VIKTOR and RIKTOR HOOP enter.)
VIKTOR HOOP
Riktor and I want to go to England.
RIKTOR HOOP
Please, Lady Throttle, take us with you when you go back.
VIKTOR HOOP
You’re so nice and kind and we want you to be our mother.
RIKTOR HOOP
Our parents were trampled by cows, you see.
VIKTOR HOOP And I have knotted intestines and Riktor has a hole in his back, so we need someone to take care of us.
RIKTOR HOOP
In return, we’ll sing Bavarian folk songs and do clog dances for you every night, Lady Throttle.
VIKTOR HOOP
And look after Tilly because she has only half a brain.
RIKTOR HOOP
And we’ll help Miss Pinafore do the London Times crossword every Sunday.
LADY THROTTLE
If my husband approves, I don’t see why why we couldn’t have the two of you occupy a small attic room in our vast castle.
TILLY THROTTLE
They can do my thinking for me, so my head doesn’t explode.
(VIRGINIA LILYPALE and FRITZI NITZI enter.)
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
There you all are! We’ve been looking everywhere!
FRITZI NITZI
We’ve got to warn you that Günter Pantz and Nurse Tschopitov are going to strangle all the patients here at Blüddengütz Institute.
GÜNTER PANTZ
Why, you little rats!
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Mrs. Lilypale’s bad back and Mrs. Nitzi’s stupid stomach have driven them both insane!
VIRGINIA LILYPALE
Then where did we get these red marks on our necks, hmmm?
FRITZI NITZI
They’re just like the marks on your own necks!
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
Looks like you tried to kill those two before you tried to kill each other.
DOKTOR RITESETTER
You’ll go to jail ‘til you rot.
(DOKTOR GÜTTMANN and DÜMMKOPF enter.)
DÜMMKOPF
Oh, I am so tired from searching through the hospital.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
But now we have found you all.
HEIDI AND LULU GÜTTMANN
The ghost! The ghost! Don’t let him hurt us!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Silly girls! Dümmkopf did not die! You are not very smart, but at least you’ve got good imaginations.
HEIDI AND LULU GÜTTMANN
Oh, Mütter! You have tricked us! It is funny! Ha, ha, ha!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Lady Throttle! Countess Von Schutzspittal! Please give to me some money so that Blüddengütz Institute can stay open! I want only to help my poor sick patients!
DÜMMKOPF
Doktor Güttmann means well, but she is human. She has made serious moral and ethical mistakes, and she wants to atone for them.
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
I would gladly give you money, Doktor Güttmann, but I have none. In fact, I am in trouble for staying here without the means to pay you.
VELVEETA
You may have my lucky pfennig, Doktor Güttmann. I suppose you could say it works, in a strange and unpredicatble sort of way.
(VELVEETA hands over the pfennig to DOKTOR GÜTTMANN.)
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
The lucky pfennig! How wonderful it feels in my hand!
DOKTOR RITESETTER
Yes, well, no matter how good that pfennig feels, it’s my duty to shut down Blüddengütz Institute for failing to maintain even a ghost of a hint of basic hygiene and nutrition.
LADY THROTTLE
Not so fast, Doktor Ritesetter. I will be discussing this situation with my husband Lord Throttle, and he will no doubt make a massive donation to the hospital unless he wants to spend the rest of his life sleeping alone in that big four-poster bed in our castle.
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
This really is a lucky pfennig!
DÜMMKOPF
But what will happen to Günter and Willi?
GÜNTER PANTZ
Willi and I just want to get married and have babies.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
But we were driven to the point of madness by the awful conditions here at Blüddengütz Institute.
GÜNTER PANTZ
I used to be nice, but now I’m nasty!
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
There was a time when the sight of a dead cockroach would make me cry.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV and GÜNTER PANTZ
Spare us! Spare us!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Yes, please spare them. Take me to jail instead. It’s all my fault.
DÜMMKOPF
But Doktor Güttmann!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
No, Dümmkopf, do not try to defend me…
HEIDI AND LULU GÜTTMANN
Please don’t send our Mütter to jail!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Someone will look after you, my little woodpeckers.
HEIDI AND LULU GÜTTMANN
Woodpeckers?
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
I was too ambitious. We had only a little bit of money, and I spent it all on Günter’s electric legs. I wanted to be famous, but I was a fool.
DÜMMKOPF
Poor Doktor Güttmann!
HEIDI AND LULU GÜTTMANN
Poor Mütter!
ALL THE PATIENTS
Poor Doktor Güttmann!
DOKTOR RITESETTER
How fast can Günter run?
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Eighty kilometers an hour in short bursts.
DOKTOR RITESETTER
Then I shall enter him in the Ministry of Health and Hedgehogs Annual Marathon, and we shall all bet a huge amount of money on him, and he will win! Then Doktor Güttmann can continue her good work here at the Institute!
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
That doesn’t sound legal.
BERTILDA VON SCHNOZZLE
Hush, Gerhardt! Sometimes the law is an ass!
DOKTOR RITESETTER
Running is my true passion, Inspector Von Schnozzle! I will personally train Günter, and he will win. Then, I will quit my job at the ministry and take Günter around the world, entering all the great races long and short!
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
But what about me? Günter is my true love! I can’t live without him!
DÜMMKOPF
No, Willi. I am your true love.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
You?
DÜMMKOPF
Please Willi. You know I adore you.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
Surely you are not serious, Dümmkopf…
DÜMMKOPF
I know I have a hump, and no electric legs, but I am honest and kind and I will love you and cherish you as best I can forever.
GÜNTER PANTZ
Go to him, Willi. I know you were only infatuated with my thighs.
NURSE TSCHOPITOV
I do feel something for you, Dümmkopf, a little tickle in a secret place. It is always there, even when I am with Günter. Dümmkopf, that little tickle must mean I love you!
(NURSE TSCHOPITOV and DÜMMKOPF embrace. Everyone cheers but the patients groan afterwards because the cheers hurt them.)
BERTILDA VON SCHNOZZLE
Are you going to let Doktor Güttmann go free, Gerhardt?
INSPECTOR VON SCHNOZZLE
Yes, of course. Who am I to stand in the way of love and brilliant talent!
DOKTOR GÜTTMANN
Bless you, Inspector Von Schnozzle! And Tilly, I will operate and fix your brain! I will operate on Velveeta, and fix her webbed fingers! I will fix everyone! Everyone!
(There is much cheering.)
VELVEETA
This has been the best holiday ever, Mama! I feel like dancing!
COUNTESS VON SCHUTZSPITTAL
Me too, Velveeta! Let’s do a polka, even if it hurts!
EVERYONE
Hurray!
(They all dance a polka, with varying degrees of success, depending on their degrees of infirmity.)
END OF PLAY.