Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2004
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 45 minutes.
• style: satire
• suitable for general audiences
• 20 characters (13 female, 7 male)
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• Staffroom celebrates the joys, sorrows, banalities, and blunders of teachers in a high school staffroom one morning before classes begin.
This play was first performed in June, 2004, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.
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Scene 5
Scene 6
Scene 7
Scene 8
Scene 9
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Scene 11
Scene 12
Scene 13
____________________
CHARACTERS:
Administrators:
Ms. Temerity Blair, Principal
Mr. Tyrone Strong, Vice-Principal
Secretaries:
Mrs. Alice Filer, Head Secretary
Ms. Wynona Huffle, Assistant Secretary
Counsellors:
Miss Mercy Sophto, Counsellor
Ms. Linda Nere, Counsellor
Teachers:
Physical Education Department:
Mr. Terry Schortz, Physed Instructor
Mr. Clay Slabowski, Physed Instructor
Math/Science Department:
Mr. Edward Doof, Science Teacher
Ms. Ronnie Didjit, Math Teacher
Practical Arts Department:
Mr. Ben Planer, Shop Teacher
Ms. Suzy Homaker, Foods/Textiles Teacher
Social Studies Department:
Mr. Roland Rantz, Social Studies Teacher
Ms. Gina Roamer , Social Studies Teacher
Performing Arts Department:
Mr. Turner Bachman, Music Teacher
Ms. Sylla Phlake, Drama Teacher
English Department:
Miss Belinda Spelling, English Teacher
Ms. Penny Writewell, English Teacher
Custodians:
Mrs. Phyllis Bucket, Custodian
Mrs. Molly Moppet, Custodian
Staffroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 1:
(MOLLY MOPPET is sitting in the staffroom, with her cleaning gear beside her, savouring her morning coffee, a ritual she greatly values.)
MOLLY MOPPET
(sipping with joy)
Ahhhhhhhhh! Nothing like a stiff shot of java in the morning.
(PHYLLIS BUCKET enters.)
MOLLY MOPPET
You the temp?
PHYLLIS BUCKET
Yeah. Got the call a half hour ago. The name’s Phyllis. Phyllis Bucket.
MOLLY MOPPET
Molly Moppet. Call me Molly.
PHYLLIS BUCKET
Who am I spozed ta replace?
MOLLY MOPPET
Tommy Vackman.
PHYLLIS BUCKET
What happened to him?
MOLLY MOPPET
Got his hand trapped in a toilet.
PHYLLIS BUCKET
No way.
MOLLY MOPPET
Some kid grabbed his keys, threw ‘em in the can, and flushed.
PHYLLIS BUCKET
Jeez.
MOLLY MOPPET
Tommy ran over and stuck his hand in to save ‘em.
PHYLLIS BUCKET
Well, yeah!
MOLLY MOPPET
Next thing he knew, his hand was stuck and the kid was gone.
PHYLLIS BUCKET
What he do?
MOLLY MOPPET
Nothin’. ‘Bout an hour later, I heard him hollering kind of weak, like a sick cat or somethin’.
PHYLLIS BUCKET
How’d you get his hand out?
MOLLY MOPPET
Didn’t. Fire department had to do it.
PHYLLIS BUCKET
Jeez.
MOLLY MOPPET
Poor old guy was pretty shook up. Took the rest of the week off.
PHYLLIS BUCKET
Did they nail the kid that done it?
MOLLY MOPPET
Yeah.
PHYLLIS BUCKET
They kick him out?
MOLLY MOPPET
Just for a day.
PHYLLIS BUCKET
That ain’t enough.
MOLLY MOPPET
The kid’s a jock star. Basketball’s a big deal here.
PHYLLIS BUCKET
That sucks.
MOLLY MOPPET
Nothin’ I kin do about it. You got the gym and caf area. Come on, I’ll show you.
PHYLLIS BUCKET
I don’t like doing cafs.
MOLLY MOPPET
Tell me about it.
(WYNONA HUFFLE makes an announcement over the school public address system.)
WYNONA HUFFLE
Mr. Doof, your headlights are on. Mr. Doof, your headlights.
(TEMERITY BLAIR enters with TYRONE STRONG. Mr. Strong watches sternly but says nothing.)
TEMERITY BLAIR
Ah, Mrs. Moppet. Is this the temp?
MOLLY MOPPET
Yep. Phyllis, this is Ms. Blair, the principal, and Mr. Strong, the veep.
TEMERITY BLAIR
Phyllis, is it?
PHYLLIS BUCKET
Phyllis Bucket.
TEMERITY BLAIR
There’s a big spill in the hall by the caf. A latte, a slushy, and what appears to be some sort of vomit. It’s getting tracked everywhere.
MOLLY MOPPET
I’m takin’ her down there right now, Ms. Blair.
TEMERITY BLAIR
Good, good. Then you’d better deal with that graffiti outside the woodshop, Mrs. Moppet.
MOLLY MOPPET
The big “F” word?
TEMERITY BLAIR
Yes, the big “F” word. Can’t have it there like a billboard where all the cars drive past.
MOLLY MOPPET
I’ll do my best, but it’s paint, eh?
TEMERITY BLAIR
Just cover it or something.
MOLLY MOPPET
Okay, Ms. Blair.
TEMERITY BLAIR
I suppose I’ll have to have it sandblasted.
(MOLLY MOPPET and PHYLLIS BUCKET exit.)
(ALICE FILER makes an announcement.)
ALICE FILER
All senior band members to the theatre. All band members to the theatre and I mean right now.
Staffroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 2:
TYRONE STRONG
(while they get their coffee)
I’m concerned about the Becker boy incident, Temerity.
TEMERITY BLAIR
Remind me, Tyrone.
TYRONE STRONG
Johnny Becker…the kid in the electric wheelchair.
TEMERITY BLAIR
Oh yes.
TYRONE STRONG
The parents might sue.
TEMERITY BLAIR
On what grounds?
TYRONE STRONG
They say a boy in a wheelchair should not be forced to wear a gym strip and compete against other boys in track and field events.
TEMERITY BLAIR
Nobody forced him.
TYRONE STRONG
Perhaps you should talk to Mr. Shortz about that.
TEMERITY BLAIR
It’s on my “to do” list.
(WYNONA HUFFLE makes another announcement.)
WYNONA HUFFLE
Ms. Phlake, could you return Mrs. Filer’s master key to the office? Ms. Phlake, please return the master key to the office.
TYRONE STRONG
That woman has lost more keys!
TEMERITY BLAIR
The superintendant phoned this morning. We need a brief staff meeting.
TYRONE STRONG
What’s up?
TEMERITY BLAIR
More trouble over the toxic fumes in the ventilation system.
TYRONE STRONG
Are we finally getting the gas masks?
TEMERITY BLAIR
It’s not in the budget. We’re to hand out a copy of the evacuation plan.
TYRONE STRONG
I’ll get Wynona to make an announcement right away.
TEMERITY BLAIR
While you’re at it, could you call the photocopy people? The big green one is spewing toner.
TYRONE STRONG
Again?
(TYRONE STRONG and TEMERITY BLAIR exit as ROLAND RANTZ makes an announcement over the P.A.)
ROLAND RANTZ
Ms. Roamer, you’re late for the socials department meeting. Ms. Roamer, you’re late.
Staffroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 3:
(MERCY SOPHTO and LINDA NERE enter and get coffee while they talk.)
MERCY SOPHTO
Jeff says we should postpone the marriage.
LINDA NERE
For heaven’s sake why?
MERCY SOPHTO
His mother has allergies in July.
LINDA NERE
Why didn’t she bring that up six months ago?
MERCY SOPHTO
She can be difficult.
LINDA NERE
My ex’s mother was a saint. She made my wedding dress, you know.
MERCY SOPHTO
Really? What did she use for material?
LINDA NERE
She bought some polyester pant suits at a thrift store. All kinds of different colours.
MERCY SOPHTO
That’s creative.
LINDA NERE
Then she took them all apart and made a colourful sort of tent.
MERCY SOPHTO
Your wedding dress was a tent?
LINDA NERE
I used to be much larger.
MERCY SOPHTO
Larger?
LINDA NERE
I tipped the scales at over three hundred pounds.
MERCY SOPHTO
You’d never know it today.
LINDA NERE
That was before I became a high school counsellor.
MERCY SOPHTO
Did you diet?
LINDA NERE
No, I counselled.
MERCY SOPHTO
It’s a tough job all right.
LINDA NERE
How’d your meeting go with Alice Buffer’s parents?
MERCY SOPHTO
The dad never showed. Business trip. The mom kept answering her cell phone while we talked.
LINDA NERE
Make any headway?
MERCY SOPHTO
The mom says it’s the school’s fault that Alice smokes dope and drinks hard liquor between classes.
(ALICE FILER makes an announcement.)
ALICE FILER
The red Mazda, license number SFA-626, you’re parked in front of a fire hydrant. Move it now or be towed! That’s the red Mazda, license number SFA-626, move it now, and I mean right now!
(PHYLLIS BUCKET and MOLLY MOPPET enter.)
PHYLLIS BUCKET
I mopped the coffee, slushy, and vomit.
MOLLY MOPPET
Good. Now go and plunge the boys’ toilets. They’re plugged again. But be careful of your hands…remember Mr. Vackman.
PHYLLIS BUCKET
No way I’m sticking my hand in a plugged toilet.
(MOLLY and PHYLLIS exit.)
LINDA NERE
Ms. Blair wants me to meet with Bobby Grabstock in B Block. Inappropriate touching.
MERCY SOPHTO
Take my advice and don’t meet with him alone. That kid’s scary.
LINDA NERE
Ms. Blair says to go easy on him.
MERCY SOPHTO
Why?
LINDA NERE
His mom’s on the school board.
MERCY SOPHTO
Oh yeah.
(ROLAND RANTZ makes another announcement.)
ROLAND RANTZ
Ms. Roamer, we’re waiting for you. Ms. Roamer, we don’t want to start without you.
Staffroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 4:
(EDWARD DOOF and RONNIE DIDJIT enter.)
LINDA NERE
Mr. Doof, did you hear the announcement about your headlights?
EDWARD DOOF
Eh?
MERCY SOPHTO
Your headlights!
EDWARD DOOF
Headlice? What’s this about headlice!
RONNIE DIDJIT
Did he leave them on again?
LINDA NERE
Apparently.
RONNIE DIDJIT
(shouting.)
Your lights, Edward!
EDWARD DOOF
You’re rather nice too, Ronnie. Now where’s my coffee cup?
(He blunders offstage to find his coffee cup.)
MERCY SOPHTO
Retirement can’t come a moment too soon for the poor old fellow.
RONNIE DIDJIT
He’s so befuddled outside his classroom. But when he’s in the science lab, it’s like he’s young again.
LINDA NERE
Face it, Ronnie, it’s becoming a serious safety issue.
RONNIE DIDJIT
It’s not Edward’s fault some boys built a pipe bomb in his chemistry class.
MERCY SOPHTO
Just who’s fault is it, Ronnie?
RONNIE DIDJIT
Society’s.
(EDWARD DOOF fumbles in with a large coffee mug.)
LINDA NERE
Mr. Doof, that’s the vice-principal’s mug.
EDWARD DOOF
Eh? Eh? Don’t mumble.
MERCY SOPHTO
(shouting)
Mr. Strong’s mug, Mr. Doof!
EDWARD DOOF
Missed who’s strong smug what, for the love of Christopher?
(He ambles over to the coffee machine and draws a cup.)
RONNIE DIDJIT
You know, I realized this morning that “DOOF” is “FOOD” spelled backwards.
LINDA NERE
My maiden name was “Timov”, which is “vomit” spelled backwards. I got teased a lot.
MERCY SOPHTO
My fiancee’s last name is “Legna”, which is “Angel” spelled backwards.
RONNIE DIDJIT
Aren’t you the lucky one.
(ALICE FILER makes an announcement.)
ALICE FILER
The junior girls volleyball team is reminded to turn in your uniforms to Mr. Shortz sometime today. Junior girls volleyball, give your shorts to Mr. Shortz today, and I mean today.
(MOLLY MOPPET and PHYLLIS BUCKET enter. PHYLLIS’S right hand is injured.)
MOLLY MOPPET
I told you not to stick your hand in the toilets.
PHYLLIS BUCKET
I got over-enthusiastic.
MOLLY MOPPET
We’ll put some soothing ointment on that wrist.
(MOLLY and PHYLLIS exit.)
EDWARD DOOF
(ambling over to the group.)
Ronnie, have you seen my spectacles?
RONNIE DIDJIT
(shouting)
You’re wearing them, Edward!
EDWARD DOOF
Great Scott! So I am. So I am. Whatever next!
(He sits and slurps his coffee.)
Staffroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 5:
(GINA ROAMER enters, looking at her watch.)
GINA ROAMER
My goodness, I’m late again.
LINDA NERE
Roland Rantz is looking for you, Gina.
RONNIE DIDJIT
He’s been having a fit on the P.A., Gina. There’s a socials meeting.
GINA ROAMER
Roland can be a bit difficult.
MERCY SOPHTO
A bit!
GINA ROAMER
I was up late marking essays on the First World War. Half of them were copied straight off the internet.
RONNIE DIDJIT
Give them zero.
GINA ROAMER
Their parents think it’s okay to cheat. One kid’s dad said, “Why the hell do you think I pay six hundred bucks a year for high-speed internet?”
LINDA NERE
For pornography, free music, and plagiarized social studies essays.
(LINDA and MERCY begin to exit as WYNONA HUFFLE makes an announcement.)
WYNONA HUFFLE
A brown boy’s wallet has been found in the foyer. A brown boy’s wallet. You can claim it in the office.
RONNIE DIDJIT
A brown boy?
MERCY SOPHTO
(as she and RONNIE complete their exit)
Wynona should pick her words more carefully.
EDWARD DOOF
(to Gina)
Young lady, I don’t believe we’ve met.
GINA ROAMER
Yes, we have, Mr. Doof, several times. I’m Gina, Gina Roamer.
EDWARD DOOF
Eh?
RONNIE DIDJIT
He’s a bit forgetful, Gina.
(GINA sits down to drink her coffee.)
Staffroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 6:
(SUZY HOMAKER enters and gets a coffee.)
SUZY HOMAKER
Good morning, Gina, Ronnie, Mr. Doof.
EDWARD DOOF
Eh?
GINA ROAMER
Hi, Suzy.
RONNIE DIDJIT
Morning, Suzy. How’s things in the foods room?
SUZY HOMAKER
Terrible. Mouse droppings everywhere.
EDWARD DOOF
Ms. Homaker, could you perhaps provide me with a sandwich?
SUZY HOMAKER
(shouting)
Maybe at lunchtime, Mr. Doof!
(ALICE FILER makes an announcement.)
ALICE FILER
Phebiola Bottle, please report to the office. Phebiola Bottle, report to the office. And I mean right now.
(MOLLY MOPPET and PHYLLIS BUCKET enter.)
MOLLY MOPPET
The photocopy machine blew a gasket, Phyllis. We got to scrub toner off the copy room walls.
PHYLLIS BUCKET
Anyone hurt?
MOLLY MOPPET
Nope. But one of the secretaries looks like a chimney sweep after a ten hour shift.
(MOLLY and PHYLLIS exit as BEN PLANER enters and gets his coffee.)
BEN PLANER
Ahoy, Suzy! How’s my best gal?
SUZY HOMAKER
Morning, Ben. Are the shop kids finished with my Corolla yet? It’s been a week now.
BEN PLANER
Well, now, Suzy, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.
SUZY HOMAKER
Has something gone wrong?
BEN PLANER
It’s going to take a little longer than we thought.
SUZY HOMAKER
It’s only an oil change.
BEN PLANER
The kids are slow, Suzy. By the time they get the tools out, the bell’s gone and class is over.
RONNIE DIDJIT
It took them three weeks to change a headlight on my Civic, Suzy.
BEN PLANER
I get all the losers.
GINA ROAMER
Isn’t “losers” a bit harsh, Ben?
BEN PLANER
It’s true. The counsellors send me the duds who can’t do academics.
SUZY HOMAKER
Aren’t they the sort of kids who enjoy working on cars?
BEN PLANER
No. They just sit around telling dirty jokes or bragging about how stoned or drunk they got on the weekend.
EDWARD DOOF
Mr. Planer, would you be so good as to inspect my motor car for mechanical damage. I fear the old girl is at the point of total collapse.
BEN PLANER
(shouting)
I’ll take a look tomorrow, Mr. Doof!
EDWARD DOOF
Eh?
BEN PLANER
(shouting more loudly)
Tomorrow!
EDWARD DOOF
Eh?
(WYNONA HUFFLE makes an announcement.)
WYNONA HUFFLE
Mrs. Moppet, there’s a small fire in the dumpster. Mrs. Moppet, a small fire in the dumpster.
(MOLLY MOPPET and PHYLLIS BUCKET enter and cross.)
MOLLY MOPPET
Look out! Look out! Fire in the hole! Fire in the hole!
PHYLLIS BUCKET
She’s burning like the devil’s underpants!
(MOLLY and PHYLLIS exit.)
Staffroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 7:
(SYLLA PHLAKE enters.)
SYLLA PHLAKE
Suzy! I’m so glad I’ve found you. I’ve got a wonderful idea for the spring musical.
SUZY HOMAKER
I’m a bit busy right now, Sylla.
SYLLA PHLAKE
As you know, we’re doing “Grease”, and I thought it’d be such fun if you and your foods students could serve the audience COOKIES that look like CONDOM PACKAGES!
SUZY HOMAKER
Condom packages?
SYLLA PHLAKE
You know how Rizzo has unprotected sex with Kenickie and thinks she’s pregnant? Well, it would be SO SYMBOLIC if the audience was EATING COOKIE CONDOMS!
SUZY HOMAKER
I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that, Sylla.
RONNIE DIDJIT
I thought “Grease” was a nice, clean musical, suitable for high school, Ms. Phlake.
BEN PLANER
I don’t think the administration would allow cookies that look like condom packages, Ms. Phlake.
SYLLA PHLAKE
Oh, PLEASE! It’s ART, for god’s sake! ART! And ART is about TRUTH! And the truth is that human beings are always thinking about SEX!
EDWARD DOOF
Eh?
RONNIE DIDJIT
I rarely think about sex.
SYLLA PHLAKE
Don’t be such a PRUDE, Ms. Didjit. We must all celebrate LIFE while we CAN!
(SYLLA dances about wildly in a gypsy way, snapping her fingers and crying out “Ai, ai, ai, ai!” The others are somewhat intimidated by the display. She ends up sitting on EDWARD DOOF’S lap.)
EDWARD DOOF
My dear, this is rather sudden!
SYLLA PHLAKE
Oh, Mr. Doof, they don’t like my cookie condom idea! Isn’t it just TOO BAD!
(SYLLA whirls away from MR. DOOD and exits.)
EDWARD DOOF
Eh?
RONNIE DIDJIT
Drama teachers! They’re always so…so…flaky.
BEN PLANER
She sure can dance, though.
SUZY HOMAKER
There’s no way I’m baking five hundred condom cookies!
GINA ROAMER
I’ve never heard of anything so ridiculous. Trust the drama department to come up with something that’s in the worst possible taste.
(ROLAND RANTZ makes another announcement.)
ROLAND RANTZ
Ms. Roamer, if you’re out there, this is your last chance to get to the meeting! I mean it.
GINA ROAMER
Oh, my goodness, he’s furious!
(GINA hustles off.)
Staffroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 8:
(Turner Bachman enters.)
TURNER BACHMAN
Has anyone seen Sylla Phlake?
RONNIE DIDJIT
She just left, Mr. Bachman.
TURNER BACHMAN
Her actors are supposed to be working with the senior band on the “Grease” numbers.
SUZY HOMAKER
She’s flaking out as usual.
TURNER BACHMAN
We’re all waiting, and there’s no sign of any actors.
BEN PLANER
She probably got the dates mixed up again.
(SYLLA PHLAKE comes dancing across the stage.)
SYLLA PHLAKE
Oh, what a beautiful morning! Oh what a beautiful day! I’ve got a wonderful feeling everything’s going my way!
(SYLLA exits, dancing.)
TURNER BACHMAN
Sylla! Sylla! Ah, what’s the use. She’s as flaky as a can of tuna.
(ALICE FILER makes an announcement.)
ALICE FILER
Phebiola Bottle, report to the office. Phebiola Bottle, to the office, right now, please.
(BELINDA SPELLING and PENNY WRITEWELL enter.)
BELINDA SPELLING
Good morrow, good morrow, fair ladies and gentlemen!
PENNY WRITEWELL
How grand to see you all looking as fit as fiddles!
TURNER BACHMAN
Did you see Ms. Phlake, Miss Spelling?
BELINDA SPELLING
Why yes. She was dancing down the halls like a whisp of gossamer in a spring breeze.
PENNY WRITEWELL
Whatever’s the matter, Mr. Bachman? You look as pale as a polar bear!
BEN PLANER
(as he exits)
He was supposed to rehearse with Ms. Phlake’s actors.
TURNER BACHMAN
I have my orchestra waiting in the theatre, Ms. Writewell, but the actors haven’t shown up.
BELINDA SPELLING
How sad! The orchestra waiting there like a jilted bride at a June wedding.
PENNY WRITEWELL
Poor Mr. Bachman. Perhaps you are in love with Ms. Phlake.
TURNER BACHMAN
I’m in no mood for teasing, Ms. Writewell.
BELINDA SPELLING
Such a serious chap. No wonder you teach music…you need beautiful melodies to lift your sagging spirits.
TURNER BACHMAN
Unfortunately, my band students aren’t quite up to the task.
SUZY HOMAKER
Drop by the foods room, Mr. Bachman. I’ll give you a cake to cheer you up.
(MS. HOMAKER exits.)
RONNIE DIDJIT
(as Suzy exits)
Suzy, I need to talk to you about the goodies for the staff social!
(MS. DIDJIT exits as WYNONA HUFFLE makes an announcement.)
WYNONA HUFFLE
Mrs. Bucket, there’s been an accident in the girls’ washroom. Mrs. Bucket, report to the girls’ washroom with a mop and pail.
(SYLLA PHLAKE enters, dancing.)
SYLLA PHLAKE
Grease is the way we are feeling! Oh yeah, Grease is the way we are feeling!
TURNER BACHMAN
Ms. Phlake, where are your actors?
SYLLA PHLAKE
We are all actors, Turner…all actors on the great big stage of life! Greased lightning! Go greased lightning!
(MS. PHLAKE dances off.)
BELINDA SPELLING
(goint to MR. BACHMAN and sitting close to him)
So, we’re alone at last, Turner…just you, me, and Ms. Writewell.
TURNER BACHMAN
I’d rather you called me “Mr. Bachman”, Miss Spelling. And we’re not alone. Mr. Doof is sitting right over there.
EDWARD DOOF
Eh?
(MS. WRITEWELL also crosses and sits by MR. BACHMAN, so he’s bracketed by the two English teachers.)
PENNY WRITEWELL
Why be so formal, Turner? You may call me “Penny”.
BELINDA SPELLING
And you may call me “Belinda”.
TURNER BACHMAN
I ought to file a harassment complaint against you two.
PENNY WRITEWELL
Harassment? We’re just teasing, Turner.
BELINDA SPELLING
Penny and I get rather restless here in these hallowed halls.
TURNER BACHMAN
Doesn’t teaching English keep you entertained?
PENNY WRITEWELL
The students churn out nothing but drivel.
BELINDA SPELLING
It’s rather depressing.
PENNY WRITEWELL
We search endlessly for romance and adventure in their writing, but all we find are run-on sentences and incorrect noun-pronoun references.
BELINDA SPELLING
Not to mention dangling modifiers and split infinitives.
PENNY WRITEWELL
There is perhaps one student in a thousand who can write well.
TURNER BACHMAN
What about those splendid guest articles written by students in the local newspapers?
BELINDA SPELLING
Their teachers do extreme makeovers of the articles before they are submitted for publication.
PENNY WRITEWELL
We are awash in cheating and misrepresentation, Mr. Bachman. The age of the internet has facilitated the endless appropriation and recycling of the work of a few clever people.
BELINDA SPELLING
It’s the age of creative cop-outs and constant copying, Mr. Bachman. Truly original work is as rare as a blooming flower in a winter snowdrift.
TURNER BACHMAN
Public education is awash in mediocrity. It’s all so depressing.
PENNY WRITEWELL
Never mind, never mind. We will seize joy in the moment.
(giving MR. BACHMAN a quick peck on the cheek)
There, there, my boy…all better now.
(MR. BACHMAN touches his cheek in wonderment.)
TURNER BACHMAN
I better see if Ms. Phlake has turned up in the theatre.
(MR. BACHMAN exits.)
EDWARD DOOF
How about a peck for the old man, my dears?
BELINDA SPELLING
(shouting)
Sorry, Edward, you’ll have to be satisfied with memories of pecks from long ago!
EDWARD DOOF
Eh?
PENNY WRITEWELL
Come along, Belinda. We must go in search of inspiration on this dismal day!
(MS. WRITEWELL and MS. SPELLING exit. TYRONE STRONG makes an announcement.)
TYRONE STRONG
There will be a brief but important meeting in the staffroom. A brief but important meeting for all staff in the staffroom. Right away, please.
Staffroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 9:
(TERRY SHORTZ and CLAY SLABOWSKI enter.)
TERRY SHORTZ
Damn staff meeting. Now I won’t have time to shower before A Block.
(TERRY begins jogging on the spot.)
CLAY SLABOWSKI
The rugby team is running laps, Terry.
TERRY SHORTZ
(still jogging)
Damn it. I hate like hell to teach while I stink.
CLAY SLABOWSKI
The rugby team is running laps.
TERRY SHORTZ
I know, Clay. You said it once already.
(TERRY starts touching his toes over and over.)
CLAY SLABOWSKI
They are running laps, Terry.
TERRY SHORTZ
(still touching his toes over and over)
All right, all right. They’re running laps. Good for them.
CLAY SLABOWSKI
(shouting)
Morning, Mr. Doof!
EDWARD DOOF
Eh?
TERRY SHORTZ
(doing scissor-jumps)
I’m pumped. Really pumped.
CLAY SLABOWSKI
Pumped?
TERRY SHORTZ
(still doing scissor jumps.)
I got a date with the drama teacher.
CLAY SLABOWSKI
Ms. Phlake?
TERRY SHORTZ
(doing stretches)
Yeah. She’s hot. Oh yeah, hot.
CLAY SLABOWSKI
I got a wife.
TERRY SHORTZ
(jogging again)
Too bad for you.
CLAY SLABOWSKI
(agitated)
I do not think teacher should say “hot” like that.
TERRY SHORTZ
(finally stopping)
I’m a teacher, but I’m a single man, too. And Sylla Phlake’s a single woman. So it’s okay, Clay, it’s okay. Nothing wrong with me dating Ms. Phlake.
CLAY SLABOWSKI
Like you, I am physed teacher, no? I do not talk of women when I work.
TERRY SHORTZ
You said it yourself. You got a wife. I don’t, so I can talk about women, work or not.
(ROLAND RANTZ enters.)
ROLAND RANTZ
Damn staff meeting. Had to stop my socials meeting just as we were getting started. LATE!
CLAY SLABOWSKI
How unfortunate, Mr. Rantz.
ROLAND RANTZ
The socials department used to be all men. Now there’s a woman and nothing starts on time.
TERRY SHORTZ
But you got to admit, she’s a pretty little thing.
CLAY SLABOWSKI
Is not right to talk of Ms. Roamer as if she was object, Terry.
ROLAND RANTZ
In the old days, we could hang out in the socials office, belching and scratching our private parts and talking about sports. Not any more.
TERRY SHORTZ
Come on down to my physed office anytime, Roland. Sometimes the only thing that can revive a man’s spirits is the smell of stale sweat.
ROLAND RANTZ
And she contradicts me constantly. If I say Soviet industrialization saved the Russians from the Nazis, she says Stalin was a butcher, and the Russians would have been better off with Trotsky.
TERRY SHORTZ
I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, big fella.
CLAY SLABOWSKI
I am from Ukraine. Stalin killed millions in the Great Famine.
TERRY SHORTZ
Jeeze, what is this, a history seminar? That was then, this is now.
EDWARD DOOF
Mr. Shortz, could you perhaps give me a massage this afternoon? Rigor mortis appears to be setting in.
TERRY SHORTZ
(shouting)
You got it, Mr. Doof!
EDWARD DOOF
Eh?
ROLAND RANTZ
And her mood swings! One day she’s happy, the next she’s not. And she complains about my Polish sausage.
CLAY SLABOWSKI
Perhaps Ms. Roamer does not like smell of garlic.
TERRY SHORTZ
Hell, switch to good old Canadian weiners, if it keeps her happy.
ROLAND RANTZ
Maybe I should transfer to another school.
(TYRONE STRONG makes an announcement.)
TYRONE STRONG
Staff meeting, right away, please. Staff meeting, right now!
(MOLLY MOPPET and PHYLLIS BUCKET enter and cross.)
MOLLY MOPPET
The sprinklers in the gym have gone off.
PHYLLIS BUCKET
Time to put on the hip waders.
(MOLLY and PHYLLIS exit.)
Staffroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 10:
(ALICE FILER and WYNONA HUFFLE enter, carrying the evacuation plan folders.)
ALICE FILER
Well, looky here. It’s the boys’ club.
WYNONA HUFFLE
(shouting)
Hello, Mr. Doof!
EDWARD DOOF
Wynona, my dear, perhaps later you could transcribe a letter to my dear sister in Moosejaw. My palsied hands produce nothing but chicken scratch.
WYNONA HUFFLE
(shouting)
Sure, Mr. Doof!
EDWARD DOOF
Eh?
ALICE FILER
You look sweaty, Mr. Shortz.
TERRY SHORTZ
As do you, Mrs. Filer, as do you.
WYNONA HUFFLE
Did you find Ms. Roamer, Mr. Rantz?
ROLAND RANTZ
Yes, Wynona, though it was too late to do anything about it when I did.
ALICE FILER
You darn near wrecked the P.A. system hollering into it like that, Mr. Rantz.
ROLAND RANTZ
That damn P.A.’s too flimsy. If they’d build schools in a masculine way, things wouldn’t break so easily.
ALICE FILER
This school is for both sexes, Mr. Rantz, whether you like it or not.
CLAY SLABOWSKI
Is true. Women and men make babies together. Why not make everything else together too?
WYNONA HUFFLE
We secretaries keep things running like clockwork around here, and we’re women.
ALICE FILER
Heck, even the principal’s a woman.
ROLAND RANTZ
Don’t remind me. What’s in those folders?
ALICE FILER
That’s for me to know and you to find out, Rantzy-boy.
TERRY SHORTZ
Gotta love a mystery!
ALICE FILER
Mr. Shortz, you still owe twenty-five bucks for the Sunshine Fund.
TERRY SHORTZ
I paid already.
ALICE FILER
There’s no record of a payment, Mr. Shortz.
ROLAND RANTZ
Everyone’s got to pay, Terry.
CLAY SLABOWSKI
Is for good cause, Terry.
WYNONA HUFFLE
Everyone pays, Mr. Shortz. Everyone.
TERRY SHORTZ
Tomorrow.
(MERCY SOPHTO and LINDA NERE enter.)
MERCY SOPHTO
Did you pay your twenty-five dollars for the Sunshine Fund, Mr. Shortz?
LINDA NERE
You’re the only one who hasn’t.
TERRY SHORTZ
(shouting)
Tomorrow!
ALICE FILER
Ms. Nere, Bobby Grabstock’s mother is coming in to see you. She sounded upset.
ROLAND RANTZ
Uh oh. Groper-boy’s big mean school board mama’s gunning for you, Ms. Nere.
LINDA NERE
Oh, god.
ALICE FILER
She says you’re persecuting her son.
MERCY SOPHTO
(to Linda)
If I was you, I’d go home sick until she cools off.
(RONNIE DIDJIT enters.)
WYNONA HUFFLE
Ms. Didjit, there’s a package for you on the counter in the office.
RONNIE DIDJIT
Oh, good. My class set of abacii must have arrived!
TERRY SHORTZ
Don’t you mean “abacusses”, Ronnie?
RONNIE DIDJIT
One abacus….two abacii, Mr. Shortz.
EDWARD DOOF
Ronnie, could you find it in your heart to do my tax calculations for me? The federal government is after my ass.
RONNIE DIDJIT
(shouting)
If I have time, Edward!
EDWARD DOOF
Eh?
(BEN PLANER enters.)
ALICE FILER
Mr. Planer, you need to fill out an accident report about the boy who broke his fingernail last week.
BEN PLANER
It was just a fingernail!
ALICE FILER
And the accident report is just a piece of paper, so DO IT!
(BEN PLANER reddens with fury.)
MERCY SOPHTO
Ben, I know you’re uspet, but endless forms and reports are essential to the smooth functioning of a modern high school.
(Everyone is wary of BEN PLANER, who appears about to explode.)
LINDA NERE
(as people back away from BEN)
Try to stay calm, Ben. Don’t make a scene in front of your colleagues. Remember the breathing exercises I taught you.
BEN PLANER
Breathe! Must breathe!
(BEN takes in air and puffs it out audibly, like a woman doing breath exercises prior to giving birth.)
MERCY SOPHTO
That’s the way, Ben. In and out. In and out. Good, strong puffs, cleaning your system.
(Much to the alarm of everyone, BEN puffs faster and faster until he collapses.)
ROLAND RANTZ
Get him to a chair! Get him to a chair!
(CLAY SLABOWSKI and TERRY SHORTZ haul BEN to a chair, where he slumps. SUZY HOMAKER enters.)
ALICE FILER
Ms. Homaker, there’s been a complaint from a parent. Her daughter brought home a muffin from your foods class.
SUZY HOMAKER
They’re allowed to take their baking home, Alice.
ALICE FILER
The girl’s mother is a chemist. She did an analysis and determined that five percent of the muffin was mouse droppings.
SUZY HOMAKER
Drat! I’ve tried so hard to keep it to three percent or less.
(TURNER BACHMAN enters.)
MERCY SOPHTO
Mr. Bachman, bad news. The band’s Disney trip’s been cancelled.
TURNER BACHMAN
Cancelled? Why?
MERCY SOPHTO
The CIA claims your Uncle Jim is a terrorist.
TURNER BACHMAN
My uncle Jim? He’s not a terrorist. He’s a therapist. They must have read it wrong!
MERCY SOPHTO
Americans aren’t much for reading.
(BELINDA SPELLING and PENNY WRITEWELL enter.)
BELINDA SPELLING
Hail, hail, the gang’s all here!
PENNY WRITEWELL
I love surprise staff meetings! You never know what sort of dramatic things will be revealed!
BELINDA SPELLING
Strikes…
PENNY WRITEWELL
Deaths…
BELINDA SPELLING
Outbreaks of disease…
PENNY WRITEWELL
Nervous breakdowns…
BELINDA SPELLING
Resignations…
PENNY WRITEWELL
Criminal investigations…
BELINDA SPELLING
How dull life would be without surprise staff meetings!
(GINA ROAMER enters.)
GINA ROAMER
Mr. Rantz! I’m sorry I was late for the socials meeting.
ROLAND RANTZ
Don’t let it happen again, Ms. Roamer.
CLAY SLABOWSKI
Do not speak to good woman like that, Mr. Rantz. Is not polite.
TERRY SHORTZ
Take it easy, Clay.
LINDA NERE
Roland, you should try to sort out your confused feelings about Ms. Roamer.
ROLAND RANTZ
My confused feelings? I don’t have “confused feelings”. I’m a man, for gosh sakes!
MERCY SOPHTO
Your lower lip is trembling, Roland. It’s quite clear that you are on the verge of tears!
ROLAND RANTZ
It’s my allergies…my allergies…I gave up crying when I was four.
GINA ROAMER
Mr. Rantz, I know we’ve had our differences, but…
ROLAND RANTZ
Can’t we just get on with the damn meeting?
(PHYLLIS BUCKET and MOLLY MOPPET enter.)
MOLLY MOPPET
The principal not here yet?
PHYLLIS BUCKET
We got a big problem in the gym.
TERRY SHORTZ
The gym?
MOLLY MOPPET
The sprinkler system activated.
PHYLLIS BUCKET
She’s filling up like a swimming pool.
MOLLY MOPPET
The rugby team’s treading water.
CLAY SLABOWSKI
Do not worry. Is good exercise. Once I tread water for six days after falling out of canoe.
ALICE FILER
Staff meetings take precedence over everything! Everyone must attend no matter what!
Staffroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 11:
(TEMERITY BLAIR and TYRONE STRONG enter. Immediately everyone starts talking to each other.)
TYRONE STRONG
All right, all right, settle down and listen up! Listen up! ATTENTION PLEASE! SHUTTTTT UPPPPPPPP!
(They finally stop and SYLLA PHLAKE enters.)
SYLLA PHLAKE
Oh, I hope I haven’t missed anything. I was outside picking flowers.
MOLLY MOPPET
Those flowers are the property of School District 21, Ms. Phlake.
SYLLA PHLAKE
No one owns flowers, Mrs. Moppet. They belong to nature.
PHYLLIS BUCKET
Over at Mudhen Secondary, a kid got expelled for pulling up flowers.
SYLLA PHLAKE
I don’t “pull them up”, I snip them off and place them in a vase for the enjoyment of my lovely students! We put them in the middle of the drama cirlce and meditate for hours!
TURNER BACHMAN
Is that why your actors are under-rehearsed, Ms. Phlake?
SYLLA PHLAKE
Silly man! My actors learn by osmosis. They ABSORB their roles.
TURNER BACHMAN
Absorb?
SYLLA PHLAKE
I get the scripts printed on bedsheets, and the actors sleep with their words wrapped around them! Night by night, they absorb more and more…they’re not allowed to shower…until one day they wake up, look in the mirror, and see their characters scowling back at them!
TYRONE STRONG
We really must get started.
TEMERITY BLAIR
(beginning a long speech that causes the staff to become glazed-over and catatonic)
Thank you, Mr. Strong. Now, we don’t want to keep you from you classes, so I’ll cut straight to the chase. Educational research has shown that effective schools have staffs who engage in collaborative efforts to raise the standards of academic achievement. That’s not to say we are not collaborative, however much work remains to be done in the sense that work is being done on a daily basis so that we have gotten closer to our agreed-upon goals of last year’s committee’s recommendations forwarded to the staff, as you may recall, for ratification after reviewing the wording. There may have been some wording that stood out as redundant and I’ll take responsibility for that if you bear with me for just a few more moments, the final efforts are to be commended, thanks to Bob and Sally who worked long and hard….
TYRONE STRONG
Ms. Blair…
TEMERITY BLAIR
…on the substance of the report. If we tend to drift in our efforts, that’s forseeable, and correctible, though some months may pass slowly before answers are apparent. I think we all know that knowing is exceptional except in some instances…
TYRONE STRONG
(raising his voice a notch or two)
Ms. Blair!
TEMERITY BLAIR
…within our grasp with no time for an overhead and I apologize though the main points are made, I think, if you recall the thrust of the initiative, and the figures indicate a positive trend throughout the spectrum…now at more than 2.3 percent, I think, if memory serves…the middle way is best, in these matters…
TYRONE STRONG
(loudly shouting)
Temerity!
(She finally stops.)
TEMERITY BLAIR
Yes, Mr. Strong?
TYRONE STRONG
The staff, Temerity…they’re catatonic!
(The entire staff is frozen, like zombies.)
TEMERITY BLAIR
I tried to keep it brief.
TYRONE STRONG
That was the briefest speech I’ve ever heard a principal make to a staff.
TEMERITY BLAIR
Then why are they catatonic?
TYRONE STRONG
I think, after years of listening to principals at staff meetings, they’ve finally had all they can take.
TEMERITY BLAIR
All they can take?
TYRONE STRONG
They’ve shut down completely, like circuit breakers popping after an electrical overload.
TEMERITY BLAIR
How will we revive them?
TYRONE STRONG
The only way a school staff can be revived.
TEMERITY BLAIR
You don’t mean…?
TYRONE STRONG
Yes.
TEMERITY BLAIR
All right….do it!
TYRONE STRONG
(shouting loudly)
Free Krispy-Kreme Donuts and Starbucks coffee for everyone!
(All the staff, except EDWARD DOOF, revive instantly, leaping up and looking around for the donuts and coffee.)
TYRONE STRONG
All right, now you’re awake again, we’ll tell you why you’re here.
(The staff sits, disappointed they’ve been conned.)
Staffroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 12:
TEMERITY BLAIR
Ms. Filer will give you a folder outlining evacuation plans in the event of toxic fumes spewing from the ventilation system.
(ALICE FILER and WYNONA HUFFLE hand out the folders, which the staff open and read.)
TEMERITY BLAIR
Any questions? Mr. Shortz?
TERRY SHORTZ
Are the kids supposed to go home after we evacuate?
TEMERITY BLAIR
No, they are to stay on school property. Mr. Slabowski?
CLAY SLABOWSKI
But not in building with nasty fumes?
TYRONE STRONG
Not in the building, Mr. Slabowski. Ms. Didjit?
RONNIE DIDJIT
But isn’t the building part of school property? You said they’re to stay on school property.
TEMERITY BLAIR
Yes, on school porperty, but not in the building. Mr. Planer? You’ll have to wait your turn Ms. Homaker and Mr. Rantz. Mr. Planer?
BEN PLANER
The building is “property” isn’t it? And it’s a “school”, so it’s school property.
TYRONE STRONG
The school building is school property, but it’s not part of the school property that the kids are to stay on. Ms. Homaker?
SUZY HOMAKER
What part of the school property are the kids to stay on?
TEMERITY BLAIR
The field. The field’s the only school property they can stay on. Roland?
ROLAND RANTZ
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe the field belongs to the city, so it’s not school property.
TYRONE STRONG
It can be considered school property in an emergency. Ms. Roamer?
GINA ROAMER
If the field’s not school property, the kids might not stay on it.
TEMERITY BLAIR
They’ll stay on it if you tell them it’s school property when there’s an emergency. Mr. Bachman?
TURNER BACHMAN
Perhaps it would be best if the students stayed on the parking lot, which is school property.
TYRONE STRONG
The parking lot is not a large enough section of school property, Mr. Bachman, so they will have to go to the city’s field, which will be called “school property” for our purposes. Ms. Phlake?
SYLLA PHLAKE
Must we use the term “property”? It sounds so capitalist.
TEMERITY BLAIR
It’s necessary to call it something everyone can understand. Ms. Spelling?
BELINDA SPELLING
If the field is only school property in an emergency, what is it in a drill that’s not a real emergency?
TYRONE STRONG
It’s the city’s property, but we use it for sports, so we can use it for drills. Ms. Writewell?
PENNY WRITEWELL
If we have a drill, do we tell the kids that the field is school property or city property?
TEMERITY BLAIR
You just tell them to go out on the field. If one of them asks if its school property, tell them to see me about it. Ms. Nere?
LINDA NERE
The students will be standing in their shoes and socks, which are their own property, so should we tell them to take their shoes and socks off so they will be standing on city property that we are calling school property in an emergency instead of standing on their own property?
(There is some applause for this clever outburst.)
TYRONE STRONG
The shoes and socks are an interface between the students and the field. This interface provides a comfortable transition from the public to the private, a sort of “protective buffer” between the state and the child, if you will. Miss Sophto?
MERCY SOPHTO
It’s conceivable that a student could take two school garbage bags, pull a bag onto each leg, secure the bags with twist-ties, and scamper off, secure in the knowledge that they are standing on school property no matter where they are.
(There is much applause for this brilliant conjecture.)
TEMERITY BLAIR
If I see a boy running away in a pair of garbage bags, I will personally tackle him and yank the damn things off his legs myself, all right?
(shouting)
Mr. Doof?
EDWARD DOOF
Ms. Blair, I wonder if you’d be willing to iron my shirts and pants for me this evening. I no longer have sufficient dexterity to manipulate hand-held appliances.
TEMERITY BLAIR
(shouting)
Perhaps you could hire a student!
EDWARD DOOF
Eh?
TYRONE STRONG
Mrs. Filer?
ALICE FILER
If there’s an evacuation to the field, I’ll have to notify a half dozen civil agencies. How can I do that if toxic fumes are playing hell with my motor skills?
TEMERITY BLAIR
Get out of the building and notify the authorities by cell-phone. Ms. Huffle?
WYNONA HUFFLE
(who has been takng notes)
Did Mr. Doof say “shirts” or “skirts”?
TYRONE STRONG
Shirts. Any further questions? Anyone? Anyone? Mrs. Moppet?
MOLLY MOPPET
Mr. Doof could get trampled in an evacuation.
TEMERITY BLAIR
A rope has been installed in Mr. Doof’s science lab. He will be pushed through the window and lowered to the ground. Ms. Bucket?
PHYLLIS BUCKET
I don’t work here regular, but I’d just like to say that the toilets here have very narrow throats and it’s no wonder poor Mr. Vackman got his hand caught in one.
TYRONE STRONG
The Health and Safety Committee has looked into the toilets, Mrs. Bucket, and concluded they meet legal standards.
PHYLLIS BUCKET
That’s all fine and dandy until you get your hand stuck in one.
Staffroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 13:
ROLAND RANTZ
I move the meeting be adjourned.
TEMERITY BLAIR
This is a staff meeting, Mr. Rantz, not a union meeting. You can’t move for adjournment.
ROLAND RANTZ
The union contract explicitly states we do not have to meet as a staff more than once a month.
TYRONE STRONG
Exceptions can be made in emergencies.
GINA ROAMER
Is this an emergency?
TEMERITY BLAIR
No. It’s a meeting to prepare for an emergency.
TERRY SHORTZ
Then this meeting is breaking the union contract!
SYLLA PHLAKE
I move we hold a wildcat STRIKE!
BEN PLANER
I second the motion!
ROLAND RANTZ
All those in favour?
(BEN PLANER, ROLAND RANTZ, SYLLA PHLAKE, BELINDA SPELLING, PENNY WRITEWELL raise their arms.)
ROLAND RANTZ
That’s five. Those against?
(SUZY HOMAKER, TURNER BACHMAN, ALICE FILER, WYNONA HUFFLE, and MOLLY MOPPET raise their arms.)
ROLAND RANTZ
That’s five…a tie.
BEN PLANER
Filer, Huffle, and Moppet are in a different union. Their votes don’t count.
ALICE FILER
I need to phone my shop steward to get clarification.
TEMERITY BLAIR
Please, please! This is ridiculous! All we wanted to do was hand out a few folders and send you back to your classes!
SUZY HOMAKER
You union militants can’t push the rest of us around! The kids come first!
TYRONE STRONG
It was a tie vote anyway. Let’s just let it go.
SYLLA PHLAKE
Gina Roamer didn’t vote! Gina Roamer didn’t vote!
GINA ROAMER
I don’t have to vote!
TURNER BACHMAN
She doesn’t have to vote!
ROLAND RANTZ
Ms. Roamer, I demand that you vote!
CLAY SLABOWSKI
Do not bully her, Mr. Rantz, or I will crush you like a bug!
ROLAND RANTZ
Stay out of my face, jockstrap!
(RANTZ and SLABOWSKI begin to tussle. PLANER and SHORTZ pull them apart.)
TYRONE STRONG
Please! Please! Order! Order!
GINA ROAMER
Roland! Roland! Why are you so mean to me?
ROLAND RANTZ
Mean? Mean? I….I’m only trying to be…to be happy…to…to be happy.
GINA ROAMER
I’m trying to be happy too, Roland…I’m trying so hard….
ROLAND RANTZ
It’s just so difficult…with you…in the socials office….your perfume…your hair…your eyes….your voice…the way you…move….
GINA ROAMER
Every day, I see the way you sit at your computer, so strong and determined…the way you yank open your file cabinet and pull out lesson plans from ten years ago…the way you curse in your manly voice while you mark student essays…oh, Roland…
ROLAND RANTZ
Gina…Gina…
GINA ROAMER
Yes, Roland…
ROLAND RANTZ
I…I love you, Gina…I’ve loved you for a long, long time…
GINA ROAMER
You have? Oh, Roland….
ROLAND RANTZ
Gina…Gina…marry me! Marry me, and make me the happiest socials teacher in the world!
GINA ROAMER
(throwing herself into ROLAND’S arms)
Oh, yes, Roland, yes…a thousand times yes!
(The stunned onlookers, perplexed and awestruck by this unlikely display of romantic affection, slowly burst into applause that builds into cheers that builds into a sort of wild version of the chicken dance that ends with everyone collapsing everywhere, except EDWARD DOOF, who staggers to his feet and lurches forward so he is the centre of attention. He sings to the audience like an old vaudevillian trouper, shuffling his feet in a sort of tap dance.)
EDWARD DOOF
They’re getting married in the morning!
Ding dong! The bells are gonna chime.
Pull out the stopper!
Let’s have a whopper!
But get me to the church on time!
(The cast assembles into a dance troup and begin to dance as ROLAND RANTZ sings.)
ROLAND RANTZ
I gotta be there in the mornin’
Spruced up and lookin’ in my prime.
Girls, come and kiss me;
Show how you’ll miss me.
But get me to the church on time!
(GINA ROAMER takes over, belting out the next verse.)
GINA ROAMER
I’m gettin’ married in the mornin’
Ding dong! the bells are gonna chime.
Kick up a rumpus
But don’t lose the compass;
And get me to the church on time!
(In a grand finale, the whole cast dances and sings the final two verses.)
REST OF CAST
They’re getting married in the morning
Ding dong! the bells are gonna chime.
Drug me or jail me,
Stamp me and mail me.
But get me to the church on time!
They’re gettin’ married in the mornin’
Ding dong! the bells are gonna chime…
Hail and salute me
Then haul off and boot me…
And get me to the church,
Get me to the church…
Get me to the church on time!
TEMERITY BLAIR
This staff meeting is over. Off to your classes. The kids are waiting!
(As the music to the “Chicken Dance” plays, the cast take their bows.)
END OF PLAY.