Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2004
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 45 minutes.
• style: English gothic farce
• suitable for general audiences
• 22 characters (17 female, 5 male)
• roles can be split or doubled
• gender-flexible casting
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• Coldark Castle takes place in an English castle just before World War One. A German spy and two ghosts create chaos among the quirky denizens of the castle. In the end, love and British pluck save the day!
This play was first performed on November 2, 4, 6 & 8, in the year 2004, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.
Go to:
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Scene 5
Scene 6
Scene 7
Scene 8
Scene 9
Scene 10
Scene 11
Scene 12
Scene 13
Scene 14
Scene 15
Scene 16
Scene 17
CHARACTERS:
Lord Humfwell Fawfallaw
Lady Hyacinth Fawfallaw, his wife
Terrence Fawfallaw, his son.
Lady Frederica Ticklemore, Terrence’s fiancé.
Pinky Hartworthy, Lord Fawfallaw’s ward.
Lady Agatha Fawfallaw, Lord Fawfallaw’s aunt.
Gertrude Wheeler, Lady Agatha’s personal handmaiden.
Professor Beryl Wolfbane, an Oxford don specializing in the occult.
Professor Ingrid Von Gremlin, a German expert on the occult.
Jonathan Fairweather, an Oxford scholar.
Bertrand Stickny, butler of Coldamp Castle.
Mrs. Edna Porridge, head housekeeper of Coldamp Castle.
Georgie Nugget, maid at Coldamp Castle.
Maggie Bunch, maid at Coldamp Castle.
Millie Mould, child ghost of Coldamp Castle.
Tilly Mould, child ghost of Coldamp Castle, Millie’s twin.
Lizzy Howell, Tommy’s poor old mum, the estate’s groundskeeper.
Tommy Howell, her son, who helps her look after the estate.
Angel Sweetly, Tommy’s sweetheart, a milkmaid at the castle.
Chicky Kipper, Angel Sweetly’s best friend, another milkmaid.
Inspector Bella Bustwell, Scotland Yard investigator.
Constable Cora Blimey, the local bobby.
Coldark Castle by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 1:
(BERTRAND STICKNY, the butler, is on stage, with MRS. PORRIDGE, the head housekeeper.)
BERTRAND STICKNY
Damned cold weather this morning, Mrs. Porridge.
MRS. PORRIDGE
It’s bloody awful, Mr. Stickny. Oi can feel it creepin’ up under me skirts loik death itself.
BERTRAND STICKNY
Perhaps you require a bit of a cuddle, Mrs. Porridge, to warm your chilly soul.
MRS. PORRIDGE
Oooo, don’t moind if oi do, Mr. Stickny, don’t moind if oi do!
(As they begin to embrace, they hear loud knocking on the front door of the castle.)
BERTRAND STICKNY
(breaking away from MRS. PORRIDGE)
Damn and blast! Who could that be?
(He exits.)
MRS. PORRIDGE
Bloody ‘ell! Oi was just begginin’ to enjoy me self. Oi better get back to moi kitchen!
(She exits, BERTRAND enters with JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER, PROFESSOR WOLFBANE, and PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN.)
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
I take it you are the butler of Coldark Castle, my good man?
BERTRAND STICKNY
Bertrand Stickny at your service, madam.
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
(with a strong German accent)
Vot a fine looking young man you are, Bertrand. In Deutschland, the butlers are old und unattractive. But you…
(moving close to him and inspecting him with her walking stick)
…you are like a young GOD, mitt arms off iron und fine, sturdy legs.
BERTRAND STICKNY
Thank you, my lady.
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
No doubt your master is expecting us, Bertrand?
BERTRAND STICKNY
Yes, my lady.
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
Then why are you standing there like some sort of gorgeous Greek statue? Fetch him immediately.
BERTRAND STICKNY
At once, my lady.
(He exits.)
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
I say, it’s awfully cold in here, Professor Wolfbane. I daresay it is even colder in here then outside on those damnable moors!
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
Ya. It iss…how you say…unnatural, Professor Wolfbane! Ya, most unnatural.
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
Yes. And it is getting colder by the second.
(The ghosts of MILLIE and TILLIE MOULD enter, holding hands.)
Great Scott!
MILLIE MOULD
Binky! Binky! Where are you, Binky?
TILLIE MOULD
Binky! Binky! Oh, do come home, Binky!
(They exit.)
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
What do you make of that, Professor Von Gremlin?
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
Ghosts, Professor Wolfbane. Spirits from zuh undervorld.
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
Jonathan?
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
Some sort of apparitions, Professor, with the capability of speech.
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
Ya, but vot iss “Binky”?
Coldark Castle by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 2:
(BERTRAND enters with LORD FAWFALLAW, LADY HYACINTH, TERRENCE, FREDDY, PINKY, LADY AGATHA, pushed in her wheelchair by MISS WHEELER. MRS. PORRIDGE, GEORGIE, and MAGGIE also enter. They arrange themselves in a tableau.)
BERTRAND STICKNY
Lord Fawfallaw, your honours!
(LORD FAWFALLAW steps forward.)
LORD FAWFALLAW
I say, I’m awfully glad you got here in one piece. It’s damnably cold, and the roads are devilishly slippery.
(He offers his hand to PROFESSOR WOLFBANE.)
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
(shaking his hand)
I am Professor Beryl Wolfbane, Lord Fawfallaw.
LORD FAWFALLAW
It is an honour to have such a respected Oxford scholar here at Coldark Castle, Professor Wolfbane.
(He goes to PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN and offers his hand.)
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
(shaking his hand very firmly, causing him to wince perceptibly,
and clicking her heels together)
Proffessor Ingrid Von Gremlin, at your service, mine little English lord.
LORD FAWFALLAW
We’re ever so grateful to you for traveling here all the way from Berlin, Professor Von Gremlin.
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
It vos a long und terrible journey, mein host. But zat iss all in zuh past, now, ya?
LORD FAWFALLAW
(going to Jonathan Fairweather and offering his hand)
And you must be young Jonathan Fairweather, Professor Wolfbane’s assistant from Oxford?
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
(shaking his hand)
Yes, Lord Fawfallaw. It’s my first time in this part of England.
LORD FAWFALLAW
And a damned awful part it is, Jonathan, if I may call you that.
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
Of course.
LORD FAWFALLAW
I’d like you all to meet my wife, Lady Hyacinth Fawfallaw.
(LADY HYACINTH steps forward to shake their hands.)
LADY FAWFALLAW
Thank god you’ve come to Coldark Castle. We are very much in need of your help, you see…
(staggering backwards and crying out)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(Everyone gasps and draws back as LORD FAWFALLAW hurries to his wife and supports her.)
LORD FAWFALLAW
My dear, whatever’s the matter!
LADY FAWFALLAW
It’s my shoes, Humphwell. They’re much too small for my huge feet. You shouldn’t have made me wear them!
LORD FAWFALLAW
Hyacinth, please try to remember who you are and where you are!
(HYACINTH does her best to pull herself together.)
LADY FAWFALLAW
Yes. I’m such a baby, Humphwell…such a silly-billy!
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
Nothing wrong with huge feet, Lady Fawfallaw, as any sensible woman knows.
LORD FAWFALLAW
Yes, well…May I introduce my son Terrence, and his fiance, Lady Frederica Ticklemore.
(TERRENCE and FREDDY step forward.)
TERRENCE FAWFALLAW
Father, I strenuously object to having a damned German here at Coldark Castle.
LADY FAWFALLAW
Terrence!
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
No, no, Lady Fawfallaw. I am not offended. He iss only a veak und spoiled English boy mitt a tiny, tiny brain.
LADY FREDERICA
Terrence is just a tease, Professor Von Gremlin.
TERRENCE FAWFALLAW
No I’m not. I can’t stand the bloody Germans!
(The other FAWFALLAWS and FREDERICA laugh nervously.)
LADY FREDERICA
Such a tease! You may call me Freddy. “Frederica” is bit stuffy, don’t you think?
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
Frederick zuh Great vas Chermany’s finest leader!
LADY FREDERICA
Oh, dear, I do hope I haven’t offended you, Professor Von Gremlin.
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
No, no, Lady Ticklemore, I am not offended. You are only a veak und spoiled English fraulein mitt a tiny, tiny brain.
LORD FAWFALLAW
We appreciate your frank analysis, Professor Von Gremlin. And now, let me introduce my aunt, Lady Agatha Fawfallaw and her lady-in-waiting Miss Gertrude Wheeler…
(LADY AGATHA comes forward with MISS WHEELER.)
LADY AGATHA
So, you’ve come here to see the ghosts, have you?
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
Yes. We’re awfully interested in the paranormal.
LADY AGATHA
Well, I’ll thank you to stay out of my personal chambers. I don’t want a lot of clot-brained professors poking through my corsets and peeking under my four-poster bed!
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
We will try to respect your privacy, Lady Agatha.
LADY AGATHA
Try? Try? You’ll do more than “try”, young woman! If I catch any of you in my chambers, I’ll have Miss Wheeler cut you down with Great-grandfather Fawfallaw’s blunderbus!
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
Vot iss a “blunderbus”?
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
A primitive shotgun capable of blowing your head off your shoulders, Professor Von Gremlin.
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
Mine head?
LORD FAWFALLAW
Aunt Agatha enjoys a good joke now and then. And now let me introduce my ward, Miss Pinky Hartworthy, an orphan from the London slums.
(PINKY steps forward)
PINKY HARTWORTHY
Lord Fawfallaw took me in when I was a baby. I’m ever so grateful to him and Lady Fawfallaw.
LADY FAWFALLAW
Don’t grovel, Pinky. It’s not ladylike.
PINKY HARTWORTHY
Sorry, Lady Fawfallaw. I just meant that I’m happy here even though I have only a tiny bed chamber in the cellar and a bucket for a toilet.
LORD FAWFALLAW
And a damned fine bucket it is, too. Now, allow me to introduce the help: our housekeeper, Mrs. Porridge, and our maids Georgie and Maggy.
MRS. PORRIDGE, GEORGIE and MAGGIE
(curtseying)
Good morning, your honours!
LORD FAWFALLAW
The groundskeeper and her brat and the milkmaids have been sent to the village for garlic, and so you will have to meet them later.
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
Garlic?
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
To ward off evil, Jonathan.
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
Of course. How stupid of me.
PINKY HARTWORTHY
(stepping close to him and gazing lovingly into his eyes)
It is not stupid to ask questions, Mr. Fairweather. By asking questions, we learn and become wise.
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
(returning her loving gaze)
Yes, Miss Hartworthy, and I have a question for you: are you…unattached?
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
Jonathan, you forget yourself.
PINKY HARTWORTHY
No, no, Professor Wolfbane, it is a good question. I am…alone, Mr. Fairweather…so dreadfully, dreadfully alone!
(She withdraws.)
LORD FAWFALLAW
Yes, well, I think that’s everyone.
(looking over the crowd)
Anyone left out? Anyone? Jolly good. Let us retire to the dining hall for a hearty breakfast of boiled beef and mush.
(All exit except the HELP and the BUTLER.)
Coldark Castle by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 3:
(The HELP move downstage.)
MRS. PORRIDGE
(speaking to Maggy and Georgie)
All roight, you two scallywags, there’s a lot of bleedin’ work to be done.
GEORGIE and MAGGIE
Yes, Mrs. Porridge.
BERTRAND STICKNY
Stand up straight when Mrs. Porridge speaks to you.
GEORGIE and MAGGY
Yes, Mr. Stickny.
MRS. PORRIDGE
Mr. Stickny and oi ‘ave to mike sure them fancy toffs who’s visiting us is noice and comfy.
BERTRAND STICKNY
So be sure to clean their chambers efficiently and dump their chamber pots regularly.
GEORGIE
Oi ‘ate dumpin’ them chamber pots. Oim allergic to all them germs! Make Maggy do it!
MAGGY
She’s always troying to get out of the dirty work, Mrs. Porridge! It ain’t fair!
GEORGIE
Shut your bloomin’ cake hole, Maggy, or oi’ll shut it for you!
(They begin to fight, and MRS. PORRIDGE and BERTRAND pull them apart.)
MRS. PORRIDGE
That’s enough, you littul weasels!
(They give up their struggle and are released.)
MRS. PORRIDGE
Now, Maggy, you’re to go and serve that boiled beef and mush, and Georgie…
(handing her a rag)
…you’re to sty roight ‘ere and wipe the floor with this ‘ere rag.
MAGGY and GEORGIE
Yes, Mrs. Porridge.
(MAGGIE exits.)
MRS. PORRIDGE
Come on, Mr. Stickny, it’s toim to wind the bleedin’ clocks.
BERTRAND STICKNY
Indeed it is, Mrs. Porridge, indeed it is.
(They exit.)
GEORGIE
Oi don’t loik bein’ ‘ere all alone in this great bleedin’ ‘all, wot wif them ghosts and everythink.
(The ghosts of MILLIE and TILLIE appear, holding a dog biscuit between them. GEORGIE freezes in terror.)
MILLIE MOULD
Binky! Binky! Oh, where could you be?
TILLIE MOULD
Binky! Binky! We have a bon-bon for you!
(They drop the dog biscuit and exit.)
GEORGIE
(screaming)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(MAGGIE rushes in.)
MAGGY
Wot’s the matter, Georgie?
GEORGIE
I seen ‘em! I seen them bloody ghosts!
(she points)
Roit over there!
MAGGY
You poor sod! Your face is as pale as a pot of clotted cream!
GEORGIE
They dropped somthin’ ‘orrible on the floor!
MAGGY
Let’s see…
(She starts to go towards the dog biscuit.)
GEORGIE
No, Maggy, leave the bloody thing alone! It’s something nasty from ‘ell!
MAGGY
Roit you are, Georgie, my girl…roit you are. Best leave it were it is.
GEORGIE
Moi guts is churnin’,Maggie. Oi think oim going to vomit!
MAGGY
Come on, moi girl, let’s get you to the kitchen for a noice hot cuppa tea to calm yor bleedin’ nerves.
(They exit.)
Coldark Castle by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 4:
(LIZZY HOWELL enters with TOMMY, ANGEL, and CHICKY.)
CHICKY KIPPER
Wot a rotten dye it’s been, carryin’ all them bags of garlic up ‘ere from the village. Moi back’s as sore as a baby’s bum and oi’ve still got to milk all them cows.
ANGEL SWEETLY
But it’s for a good cause, Chicky. Maybe them bags of garlic will droive off all them evil spirits wots ‘auntin’ Coldark Castle.
TOMMY HOWELL
Oim ‘ungry as a bloody ‘orse. Carryin’ all them sacks was ‘ard work.
LIZZY HOWELL
Now then, son, that’s enough bloomin’ complainin’. ‘Is lordship wanted them bags of garlic, and now he’s got ‘em, so that’s that.
CHICKY KIPPER
Wot if them bags of garlic don’t keep them evil spirits away?
ANGEL SWEETLY
Cheer up, Chicky. His lordship’s brought all them fancy professors ‘ere to ‘ave a look round. They’ll ‘elp us get rid of them spirits.
TOMMY HOWELL
Oi’m ungry. When can we ‘ave some grub, Ma?
LIZZY HOWELL
As soon as Chicky and Angel milk them cows.
ANGEL SWEETLY
Don’t worry, Tommy. Me and Chicky’ll ‘ave ‘em milked before you can say “Jack Robinson”.
LIZZY HOWELL
And then you can ‘ave a noice cup of ‘ot milk, Tommy, me son.
TOMMY HOWELL
(going over to the dog biscuit)
‘Ere…wot’s this, then?
CHICKY KIPPER
Some nasty bit uv rubbish, Tommy.
TOMMY HOWELL
It looks bloomin’ tasty if you ask me.
(He bends closer to it.)
ANGEL SWEETLY
No, Tommy, don’t touch it. Maybe it’s a littul bit of somethin’ evil!
LIZZY HOWELL
Angel’s roight, Tommy. You’d best stay away from it.
TOMMY HOWELL
(picking it up)
It’s just a biscuit, Ma. Nothin’ wrong with a bit of biscuit!
ANGEL SWEETLY
No, Tommy, don’t gobble it, for the love of ‘eaven!
CHICKY KIPPER
‘E’s going to shove it down his gob!
LIZZY HOWELL
Don’t do it, Tommy, there’s a good lad.
(holding out her hand)
Give it to Mummy!
TOMMY HOWELL
Just an ‘armless littul bit of biscuit, a bit of the old nutrition, and Tommy’s an ‘ungry lad!
(He pops the biscuit in his mouth.)
ANGEL SWEETLY
Tommy! No!
CHICKY KIPPER
Now ‘e’s gone and done it!
LIZZY HOWELL
You littul clot! Spit it out, spit it out!
TOMMY HOWELL
It’s gone now, Mum.
ANGEL SWEETLY
Oh, Tommy, wot ‘ave you done?
CHICKY KIPPER
‘E’s eaten somethin’ nasty!
LIZZY HOWELL
You littul wanker!
(cuffing him on the head)
Come on, now, let’s get you ‘ome so you can get your old mum a nice bucket of ‘ot water for me poor, tired feet. Angel, you and Chicky get them cows milked then join us for a bit ‘uv breakfast.
(She and TOMMY exit.)
CHICKY KIPPER
That Tommy’s a naughty littul sod.
ANGEL SWEETLY
But ‘e’s a sweetie, Chicky, ’e really is!
CHICKY KIPPER
Woi, angel, oi do believe you’re in luv with the littul beggar!
ANGEL SWEETLY
Don’t tell anyone, Chicky, but oi luv ‘im so much oi can’t eat or sleep!
CHICKY KIPPER
Now listen to me, me girl: any lad wot eats rubbish is not the sort of lad you want to be marryin’, see? It don’t mike sense.
ANGEL SWEETLY
Love don’t mike sense, Chicky, that’s the trouble!
(They exit and the GHOST TWINS appear.)
TILLIE MOULD
Oh, Binky, Binky, your biscuit has gone!
MILLIE MOULD
You must have eaten it, Binky!
TILLIE MOULD
Binky, Binky…you’re still alive!
MILLIE MOULD
We’re coming, Binky…we’ll save you!
(They exit.)
Coldark Castle by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 5:
(BERTRAND enters with MRS. PORRIDGE.)
BERTRAND STICKNY
Now the clocks are wound, Mrs. Porridge, perhaps you and I could spare a second or two to have another little cuddle?
MRS. PORRIDGE
Woi, Mr. Stickny, oi don’t moind if I do!
(They snuggle, but are interrupted by a knock on the door.)
BERTRAND STICKNY
Damnation, who could that be? Excuse me, Mrs. Porridge.
(He exits.)
MRS. PORRIDGE
Oi better fetch ‘is lordship.
(She exits as BERTRAND enters with INSPECTOR BUSTWELL and CONSTABLE BLIMEY.)
CONSTABLE BLIMEY
This is Bertrand Stickny, Inspector Bustwell. ’E’s the butler.
INSPECTOR BUSTWELL
Is his lordship in, my good man?
BERTRAND STICKNY
The housekeeper is fetching him, sir. And what brings you and Constable Blimey to Coldark Castle?
CONSTABLE BLIMEY
Police business, Mr. Stickny, police business. Enough said?
INSPECTOR BUSTWELL
Don’t be alarmed, my good man. You’re not under investigation.
(MRS. PORRIDGE enters with LORD FAWFALLAW and LADY HYACINTH.)
MRS. PORRIDGE
May oi present Lord and Lady Fawfallaw, your honours?
INSPECTOR BUSTWELL
Thank you, my good woman. Now if you and Bertand don’t mind, we must speak with Lord and Lady Fawfallaw alone.
BERTRAND STICKNY
Come along, Mrs. Porridge…time to polish the silver.
(They exit.)
LORD FAWFALLAW
What’s this all about, Constable Blimey?
CONSTABLE BLIMEY
This ‘ere’s Inspector Bella Bustwell, from Scotland Yard, Lord Fawfallaw.
LADY FAWFALLAW
Scotland Yard!
INSPECTOR BUSTWELL
Sorry to interrupt your breakfast, Lord Fawfallaw, but I’m here on rather urgent business.
LORD FAWFALLAW
I’m always glad to help England’s police force do its job, Inspector Bustwell.
CONSTABLE BLIMEY
It’s about your boy Terrence, your lordship.
LADY FAWFALLAW
Oh my goodness! Has Terrence been brawling in the pub again?
INSPECTOR BUSTWELL
I’m afraid it’s more serious than that, Lady Fawfallaw.
CONSTABLE BLIMEY
‘E’s bin messin’ about with them bloody Germans, your lordship…excuse my langwidge, your ladyship.
LORD FAWFALLAW
The Germans! I don’t understand!
INSPECTOR BUSTWELL
A British agent has provided us with information that your son Terrence is selling British secrets to the Germans to support his gambling habits.
LADY FAWFALLAW
Not our Terry!
(grabbing LORD FAWFALLAW’s arm)
Darling, do something!
LORD FAWFALLAW
That’s preposterous! Terrence doesn’t know any British secrets!
INSPECTOR BUSTWELL
Unfortunately, your lordship, he is getting the secrets from someone somewhere.
CONSTABLE BLIMEY
It’s bloody serious, your lordship. Pardon my langwidge, your ladyship.
LORD FAWFALLAW
Hyacinth, fetch Terrence immediately.
(LADY FAWFALLAW exits)
LORD FAWFALLAW
Terrence selling secrets to the Germans! It’s beyond belief!
INSPECTOR BUSTWELL
Is it? Sorry to say so, sir, but stranger things have been known to happen.
(LADY FAWFALLAW enters with TERRENCE and FREDDY.)
LORD FAWFALLAW
Terrence, what’s all this nonsense about you selling secrets to the Germans?
TERRENCE FAWFALLAW
Whatever are you talking about, Pater?
LADY FAWFALLAW
Inspector Bustwell is from Scotland Yard, dear. He says you’ve been a naughty boy.
LADY FREDERICA
Oh, Terrence, how could you?
TERRENCE FAWFALLAW
It’s all a lot of tripe dished up by Constable Blimey because he doesn’t want me carousing in the village pub any more.
CONSTABLE BLIMEY
You won’t get out of it that easily, me lad.
TERRENCE FAWFALLAW
I don’t have to get out of anything, you silly, pompous little bobby!
LADY FAWFALLAW
Please, Terrence, try to keep a civil tongue in your head!
LORD FAWFALLAW
Surely this all just an unfortunate mistake.
INSPECTOR BUSTWELL
Possibly. We must ask for your hospitality, Lord Fawfallaw. If, as you say, Terrence is innocent, then we will need some time to prove it.
LORD FAWFALLAW
Of course, of course! BERTRAND!
(BERTRAND enters)
LORD FAWFALLAW
Show the inspector and constable to the guest chambers in the north wing.
BERTRAND STICKNY
At once, Lord Fawfallaw.
(He exits with INSPECTOR BUSTWELL and CONSTABLE BLIMEY.)
LADY FAWFALLAW
Terrence, if you’ve been naughty, we will take away your inheritance!
TERRENCE FAWFALLAW
Shut up, Mummy! I don’t have to listen to your silly old threats!
LADY FREDERICA
Terrence! How could you talk to your poor mother that way?
LORD FAWFALLAW
Come along, Hyacinth. It’s no use reasoning with the boy. We’ll let Inspector Bustwell sort it out.
(He and LADY FAWFALLAW exit.)
LADY FREDERICA
Terry, if you’ve been selling secrets to the Germans, I’ll never forgive you!
TERRENCE FAWFALLAW
Don’t be daft, Freddy. You’re in love with me, and powerless to stop me!
LADY FREDERICA
How I wish I hated you, but I don’t, Terry, I don’t! I love you, and I’m a fool for doing so!
(The GHOST TWINS appear.)
LADY FREDERICA
Good lord, Terry…look over there!
TERRENCE FAWFALLAW
Eh?
(turning to look, he shrieks)
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Ghosts!
(He faints.)
MILLIE MOULD
Binky, Binky, Binky, come to Milly, there’s a dear!
TILLIE MOULD
Come along, Binky, time for din-dins!
(They wander off.)
LADY FREDERICA
Bertrand! BERTRAND!
(BERTRAND enters)
Terrence has fainted! He’s such a sensitive boy! Help me carry him to his chambers!
BERTRAND STICKNY
Yes, your ladyship.
(He helps her carry TERRENCE.)
LADY FREDERICA
It was those awful ghosts again! No wonder we’re having such a rotten time!
(They exit.)
Coldark Castle by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 6:
(PROFESSORS WOLFBANE and VON GREMLIN enter with JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER.)
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
Most of the sightings have been here in the Great Hall.
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
Ya, but zuh ghosts could appear anyvhere!
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
But Professor Wolfbane’s right. Most of the sightings are here, so this is the logical place to do our observations.
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
Shut up, you young pup! I am Professor Von Gremlin, und I know vat I am talking about! You are nothing but a stupid Englishman mitt stupid ideas!
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
No need to attack young Mr. Fairweather, Professor Von Gremlin. He’s a top scholar at Oxford and knows what he’s talking about.
(The ghosts appear but the TWO PROFESSORS are arguing too much to notice,)
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
No! You English are all alike! You vant me to do all zuh vork, and ven I have caught zuh ghosts in mine bag…
(waving her bag)
…you vill claim all zuh glory und all zuh money!
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
(seeing the GHOSTS)
Professor Wolfbane, look over there…
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
Professor Von Gremlin, I am interested in science, not fame and money!
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
The ghosts…they’re right over there!
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
Ha! You claim to be interested in science, ven vat you really vant is lots of pretty boys mitt big muscles who vill flirt mitt you ven you are rich und famous!
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
The ghosts! Please look!
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
I’ve no time for flirting, Von Gremlin. And you are nothing but an ego-centric German publicity-seeker with no true interest in serving science!
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
Vy, you English dog!
(She lunges at PROFESSOR WOLFBANE and attempts to strangle her, but JONATHAN intervenes and pulls them apart. Meanwhile, the ghosts wander off.)
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
Please, please stop fighting! The ghosts…they’re right over there…
(He turns and points, but the GHOSTS are gone.)
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
Where?
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
Vhere?
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
They were right over there, I swear!
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
You are seeing things, mine little English friend.
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
For heaven’s sakes, Jonathan, please don’t raise false alarms! Professor Von Gremlin and I were having an important professional discussion!
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
Come along, Professor Volfbane. Let us inspect the North Wing.
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
Yes. Jonathan, you remain here and keep your eyes peeled.
(She and PROFESSOR VON GREMLINexit and PINKY HARTWORTHY enters, unseen by JONANTHAN.)
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
Dash it all. I may as well have stayed in Oxford.
(seeing PINKY)
Miss Hartworthy!
PINKY HARTWORTHY
What’s wrong, Mr. Fairweather?
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
I saw those blessed ghosts, but Professor Wolfbane and Professor Von Gremlin where strangling each other and wouldn’t listen to me.
PINKY HARTWORTHY
Oh dear.
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
Perhaps I’m wasting my time here.
PINKY HARTWORTHY
Oh, no, Mr. Fairweather, don’t say that.
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
Why not, Miss Hartworthy?
PINKY HARTWORTHY
I can tell you’re a good man, Mr. Fairweather, perhaps better than anyone here.
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
Thank you, Miss Hartworthy.
PINKY HARTWORTHY
And things here at Coldark Castle have gone terribly wrong.
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
So it would seem.
PINKY HARTWORTHY
So we need all the help we can get. I need all the help I can get.
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
I see.
PINKY HARTWORTHY
Call me Pinky. May I call you Jonathan?
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
Of course, Pinky, of course.
PINKY HARTWORTHY
Please don’t go back to Oxford. You see, I need you Jonathan, I need you…
(She moves close to him. Their eyes meet, and just then LADY AGATHA enters with MISS WHEELER.)
LADY AGATHA
So, Mr. Fairweather, the minute you’re alone, you try to take advantage of Pinky!
PINKY HARTWORTHY
He wasn’t taking advantage of me, Lady Agatha!
LADY AGATHA
Don’t be a fool, Pinky. All young men are the same.
PINKY HARTWORTHY
But Lady Agatha…
LADY AGATHA
No “buts”, Pinky! I am most upset! Go straight to your cold little room and sit on your hard little stool and think about what you have done.
PINKY HARTWORTHY
Yes, Lady Agatha.
(She exits.)
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
Please, Lady Agatha, we were just talking…I meant no harm.
LADY AGATHA
You stay away from Pinky, young man. You will bring misfortune upon her.
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
I would never harm her, Lady Agatha!
LADY AGATHA
Do you take me for a fool, Mr. Fairweather? Now go and find your colleagues before I have Miss Wheeler here give you a sound spanking!
(JONATHAN exits)
LADY AGATHA
And now, Miss Wheeler, it is time for you to read to me from The Book of the Dead.
(She and MISS WHEELER eReturn to Scene List
Coldark Castle by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 7:
(BERTRAND, MRS. PORRIDGE, GEORGIE and MAGGIE enter.)
MRS. PORRIDGE
So we have three bloomin’ professors and two bleedin’ coppers stayin’ ‘ere tonight, Maggy and Georgie.
MAGGIE
Oo, wot a lark!
GEORGIE
Maybe them professors will get rid of them ghosts, and the coppers will put that nasty Terrence in jail.
BERTRAND STICKNY
Don’t you dare speak so rudely about the master’s son, Georgie.
MAGGIE
You wouldn’t be so quick to defend ‘im, Mr. Stickny, if you knew wot he wants from me and Georgie.
MRS. PORRIDGE
‘Ere now, wot in the bleedin’ ‘ell are you talking about?
GEORGIE
Tell ‘em, Maggie.
MAGGIE
If maids like us was to invite ‘im into our littul rooms for some hanky-panky, Mrs. Porridge, he wouldn’t say no.
GEORGIE
It’s true, Mrs. Porridge. ‘E’s a nasty littul ferret who don’t care tuppence for ‘is fiance.
MAGGY
Wants to marry ‘er for ‘er money, he does.
BERTRAND STICKNY
You two little gossips should be sent packing for talking that way about Mr. Terrence.
MRS. PORRIDGE
Two littul ragamuffins like you should keep your bleedin’ mouths shut and be glad you ‘ave a job.
BERTRAND STICKNY
His lordship’s family’s private business is no concern of ours.
(The two GHOSTS appear.)
GEORGIE
Lord save us! Look over there!
MAGGIE
It’s them ghosts again!
BERTRAND STICKNY
Appearing out of thin air!
MRS. PORRIDGE
Look at the littul blighters! Like a pair of dead rats!
MILLIE MOULD
Oh, Tilly…we’ll never find Binky…
TILLIE MOULD
Milly, I think we’re lost! Binky, Binky, save us!
(They exit.)
MRS. PORRIDGE
There they go, talkin’ about that Binky again.
GEORGIE
Oi think Binky is a monster.
MAGGY
A big fierce monster wot will kill us all in the end.
BERTRAND STICKNY
I feel rather faint…
(He faints.)
MRS. PORRIDGE
Mr. Stickny! Mr. Stickny!
(rushing to him and trying to help him up)
Come along, you two littul beggars, ‘elp me get ‘im into the kitchen. E’s completely bloody unconscious!
(They exit, carrying BERTRAND offstage.)
Coldark Castle by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 8:
(LIZZY HOWELL, ANGEL, and CHICKY enter.)
LIZZY HOWELL
(shouting)
Tommy! TOMMY! Now just where has the littul devil run off to?
ANGEL SWEETLY
It’s not loik Tommy to ‘op it loik this.
CHICKY KIPPER
Maybe e’s gone to the loo to throw up that nasty bit of rubbish ‘e ate.
ANGEL SWEETLY
No, no…Tommy’s in trouble…oi just know it…
LIZZY HOWELL
TOMMY! Ah, me littul boy…gone off somewhere in this awful old castle…
CHICKY KIPPER
Don’t you worry, Mrs. Howell; he’ll come ‘ome soon.
ANGEL SWEETLY
Poor Tommy…all alone somewhere. Wot if them ghosts get him?
LIZZY HOWELL
TOMMY! TOMMY! Come to Mum, there’s a good lad!
(She exits.)
CHICKY KIPPER
You still in love with Tommy now, Angel?
ANGEL SWEETLY
Oh, Chicky, I’ll die if anythink ‘as ‘appened to my Tommy…
CHICKY KIPPER
You’re barmy, Angel, falling in love with a boy wot eats rubbish and runs away from his mum.
(They exit.)
Coldark Castle by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 9:
(We hear howling offstage. Then TOMMY runs on, transformed into a sort of dog/werewolf thing.)
TOMMY HOWELL
Wooooooooooooooo! Wooooooooooooooo!
(The GHOST GIRLS appear.)
MILLIE MOULD
Binky! We’ve found you at last!
TILLIE MOULD
Oh, Binky, we’re so glad you’re alive!
TOMMY HOWELL
Awooooooooooooooo! Awooooooooooo!
(TOMMY runs offstage.)
MILLIE MOULD
Binky! Binky! Please don’t run away from us!
TILLIE MOULD
Binky! Binky! Come back!
(They run off after him.)
Coldark Castle by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 10:
(LORD and LADY FAWFALLAW enter with CONSTABLE BLIMEY and INSPECTOR BUSTWELL.)
LADY FAWFALLAW
I hope your bed chambers are satisfactory, Inspector Bustwell and Constable Blimey.
INSPECTOR BUSTWELL
Most satisfactory, Lady Fawfallaw, except for our severely chilled buttocks. Is it always this cold in Coldark Castle, Lord Fawfallaw?
LORD FAWFALLAW
Ever since the ghosts started appearing, it’s become colder and colder.
CONSTABLE BLIMEY
Ghosts?
LADY FAWFALLAW
It’s awful, Constable Blimey. Two ghosts who look like little girls, crying and carrying on at all hours of the day and night.
INSPECTOR BUSTWELL
Are you jesting with us, Lord Fawfallaw?
LORD FAWFALLAW
I wish I were, Inspector. I wish I were.
LADY FAWFALLAW
Dark times have fallen upon us, Inspector.
(PROFESSORS WOLFBAND and VON GREMLIN enter with JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER.)
LORD FAWFALLAW
Ah, Professors Wolfbane and Von Gremlin, allow me to introduce you to Constable Blimey, the village bobby, and Inspector Bustwell of Scotland Yard.
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
I’m Professor Wolfbane, and this is my assistant Jonathan Fairweather. What brings you here, Inspector?
INSPECTOR BUSTWELL
I’m afraid Lord Fawfallaw’s son Terrence is under investigation for selling British secrets to the Germans, Professor Wolfbane.
(Upon hearing this, PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN sneaks offstage.)
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
Treason?
INSPECTOR BUSTWELL
Perhaps. Apparently the lad has an expensive gambling habit, and may have sold the secrets to pay off his debts.
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
Poor devil.
(Suddenly TERRENCE runs across the stage, pursued by GEORGIE and MAGGIE. They pause for a moment.)
TERRENCE
Catch me if you can, my pretties!
MAGGIE
(furious)
Oooo, Terry, you are awful, trying it on with us like that!
GEORGIE
We’ll set ‘is lordship’s hounds on you!
TERRENCE
I’m your little fox, am I? Tally ho, I say, tally ho!
(He rushes off.)
MAGGIE
After ‘im, Georgie, after ‘im!
GEORGIE
We’ll bash his ‘ead in!
(GEORGIE and MAGGIE rush off in hot pursuit.)
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
He doesn’t appear to be overly concerned about your allegations, Inspector Bustwell.
CONSTABLE BLIMEY
Bloody disgustin’, if you ask me. Pardon my langwidge, your ladyship.
(LADY FREDERICA enters sobbing.)
LADY FREDERICA
Oh, Terrence, how could you be so mean, flirting with those common serving girls as if I meant nothing to you!
(She runs off weeping as PINKY enters on the run, pausing halfway across the stage, as LADY AGATHA and MISS WHEELER enter too.)
PINKY HARTWORTHY
I only want to be with Jonathan, Lady Agatha, and nothing shall stop me!
LADY AGATHA
After her, Miss Wheeler! We must lock her in her cold little room!
(PINKY runs off, with LADY AGATHA and MISS WHEELER in hot pursuit. At that moment, TOMMY runs in, howling.)
TOMMY HOWELL
Awooooooooooooooooo! Awooooooooooooo!
(He runs off as LIZZY HOWELL runs in.)
LIZZY HOWELL
Tommy! TOMMY!
(turning and shouting to ANGEL and CHICKY, who are offstage)
ANGEL! CHICKY! I’VE FOUND MY POOR TOMMY!
(She chases off after him as ANGEL and CHICKY enter.)
ANGEL SWEETLY
‘Urry up, Chicky! Me one and only love needs us!
CHICKY KIPPER
Oim goin’ as fast as I can, Angel! Me bleedin’ legs is still sore from carrying all that garlic!
(They exit as the GHOSTGIRLS run across.)
MILLIE MOULD
Binky! Binky! Please come back!
TILLIE MOULD
Don’t run away from us Binky! We love you, Binky!
(They exit as MRS. PORRIDGE enters, supporting BERTRAND as she helps him “walk off” his dizzy head after his fainting.)
MRS. PORRIDGE
That’s the way, Mr. Stickny, one step at a toim until yer old noggin feels better!
BERTRAND STICKNY
Thank you, Mrs. Porridge. You’re a saint!
(They exit.)
LADY FAWFALLAW
Oh, Humphwell, whatever is going on?
LORD FAWFALLAW
My dear, I wish I knew!
CONSTABLE BLIMEY
Looks like the ‘ole bleedin’ lot of ‘em’s gone stark raving bonkers! Pardon my langwidge, yor ladyship!
INSPECTOR BUSTWELL
Yes, as though some form of madness has descended on them all.
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
Almost like some sort of mass hallucination. What do you think, Professor Van Gremlin? Professor Van Gremlin? Good lord, she’s disappeared!
CONSTABLE BLIMEY
Wot’s goin’ on ‘ere?
LADY FAWFALLAW
This is all so dreadful!
LORD FAWFALLAW
I’m frightfully sorry about all this.
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
Poor Pinky! She’s become obsessed about me, for some reason.
INSPECTOR BUSTWELL
There’s certain to be foul play if someone doesn’t stop that wolf-boy. I suggest we try to round everyone up for their own safety.
LORD FAWFALLAW
Quite so, Inspector. Come along, everyone!
(They all exit.)
Coldark Castle by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 11:
(PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN enters.)
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
I vill hide here somevhere, and zen, I vill strike!
(She hides. GEORGIE and MAGGIE run in. MAGGIE is brandishing a frying pan.)
GEORGIE
Your turn, Terrence! Catch us if you can!
MAGGIE
If you want another wallop with a frying pan!
(They run off as TERRENCE enters, rubbing his head.)
TERRENCE FAWFALLAW
(wandering in, somewhat dazed, rubbing his head)
I say, what a nimble pair of maids! And rather handy with that damned pan.
(At this moment, PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN rushes out and tackles TERRENCE.)
TERRENCE
What on earth…
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
(throwing him down and holding him)
At last I have you, you English dog!
TERRENCE FAWFALLAW
Unhand me, you ruffian!
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
You must die, Englishman. You know too much.
TERRENCE FAWFALLAW
Impossible! I’m a brainless, dimwitted fop!
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
Soon, zuh inspector from Scotland Yard vill force you to tell him everything!
TERRENCE FAWFALLAW
But I don’t have anything to tell, Von Gremlin!
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
You are veak, Englishman. Ve should never have used you. And now you must die!
(She begins to strangle him just as LADY FREDERICA runs in.)
LADY FREDERICA
Good lord, what are you doing to Terrence!
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
(inventing a lie)
He has collapsed from exhaustion. I am helping him recover. Get up, Terrence, get up!
(She drags the dazed fellow onto his feet.)
LADY FREDERICA
Thank you, Professor Von Gremlin. He’s such a delicate fellow.
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
Yes. Very delicate. Und now I vill go und haff a sandwich.
(She exits.)
TERRENCE FAWFALLAW
I say, Freddy, that was a close one.
LADY FREDERICA
Whatever do you mean, Terrence?
TERRENCE FAWFALLAW
(weaving)
Nothing, nothing.
LADY FREDERICA
You’re behaving very strangely, Terrence.
TERRENCE FAWFALLAW
Just a little too much bordeaux, my dear, nothing more.
LADY FREDERICA
Let me help you to your bed chamber. Perhaps a bit of a lie-down will help.
TERRENCE FAWFALLAW
(excited by the possibility of a “lie-down” with FREDDY)
I say, Freddy, what a capital idea, my little butter-cake!
(LADY FREDERICA helps him offstage.)
Coldark Castle by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 12:
(JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER enters.)
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
I wonder what Pinky meant when she said, “I only want to be with Jonathan.”
(At that moment PINKY enters.)
PINKY HARTWORTHY
I meant exactly that, Jonathan. I…I love you!
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
But Pinky, we’ve only just met!
PINKY HARTWORTHY
(going to him)
I know my own heart, Jonathan, and it tells me that you’re the man for me.
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
You’re a very attractive young woman, Pinky, but perhaps we ought to…
(At this moment LADY AGATHA enters with MISS WHEELER.)
LADY AGATHA
They’re at it again, Miss Wheeler!
PINKY HARTWORTHY
Please, Lady Agatha, I love Jonathan!
LADY AGATHA
Foolish girl! You are infatuated with him because he’s the first boy you’ve ever seen other than Terrence and that imbecilic Tommy Howell, who’s running around like a dog with rabies!
PINKY HARTWORTHY
No, Lady Agatha! I love him…I know it!
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
I’m so sorry to have to say this, Lady Agatha, but I love Pinky every bit as much as she loves me!
PINKY HARTWORTHY
Oh Jonathan, do you mean it?
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
Yes, dear Pinky, a thousand times yes!
(They embrace.)
LADY AGATHA
Well, my boy, you’ve passed the test.
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
The test? What test?
LADY AGATHA
If you can stand up to me after the way I’ve treated you, and tell me to my face that you love Pinky, I believe you. Miss Wheeler and I wish both of you all the happiness in the world.
PINKY HARTWORTHY
(running to her and giving her a hug)
Oh, thank you, Lady Agatha, thank you.
(giving the impassive MISS WHEELER a hug)
And you too, Miss Wheeler!
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
Then we have your blessing, Lady Agatha?
LADY AGATHA
Of course! But you’ll have to convince my nephew Lord Fawfallaw. He’s Pinky’s guardian, and a bit daft, but I daresay he’ll come around.
PINKY HARTWORTHY
Come on, Jonathan, let’s find him right away!
(They exit.)
LADY AGATHA
Well, Miss Wheeler, that’s that.
MISS WHEELER
Yes, Lady Agatha, that’s that.
LADY AGATHA
Thank you for keeping silent all these years.
MISS WHEELER
(struggling to speak after years of silence)
It’s been extremely difficult, Lady Agatha.
LADY AGATHA
We must never tell Pinky that you’re her mother and Lord Fawfallaw is her father.
MISS WHEELER
It shall remain a secret to my last breath.
LADY AGATHA
You were young and naive back then, and Lord Fawfallaw took advantage of you.
MISS WHEELER
I though I was in love with him, but I was much mistaken.
LADY AGATHA
As we often are, my dear, as we often are.
MISS WHEELER
But look what a fine young woman Pinky turned out to be, despite her unfortunate origins!
LADY AGATHA
Yes. It makes one realize how silly we are about such things.
(They exit.)
Coldark Castle by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 13:
(TOMMY Howell runs in, howling.)
TOMMY HOWELL
Awoooooooooooo!
(He collapses on the floor as LIZZY HOWELL runs in.)
LIZZY HOWELL
Tommy! Oh, moi precious, precious littul son!
(She runs to him as ANGEL and CHICKY enter.)
ANGEL SWEETLY
Tommy! Oh, Mrs. Howell, is he…is he…dead?
CHICKY KIPPER
Don’t be a chump, Angel. ‘E’s bin runnin’ about loik a puppy with a wasp up its bottom, and now ‘e’s exhausted.
LIZZY HOWELL
‘E’s in a deep sleep. Look at ‘is luvly littul face, all soft and innocent!
TOMMY HOWELL
(recovering)
Where am I? Mum? Is that you?
LIZZY HOWELL
Yes, me lovely lad! It’s yer old mum. Oi’m so glad yer back!
ANGEL SWEETLY
(going to TOMMY)
Oh, Tommy, you froitened me ‘alf to death! Wot ‘appened to you?
TOMMY HOWELL
Oi felt loik oi was runnin’ across the moors, and these two littul moppits was chasin’ me and callin’ me Binky.
CHICKY KIPPER
That biscuit you ate must ‘ave made you go barmy, Tommy.
TOMMY HOWELL
Yes. Moi tummy got all squidgy, and then oi felt meself turnin’ into a dog.
ANGEL SWEETLY
Oh, Tommy, ‘ow ‘orrible.
LIZZY HOWELL
Well, you ain’t a dog no more, Tommy. You’re me littul chappy again.
ANGEL SWEETLY
Mrs. Howell, I got to tell you: I love Tommy.
CHICKY KIPPER
Angel Sweetly!
ANGEL SWEETLY
Oi’m not ashamed of it, Chicky. Oi love ‘im, oi really do!
TOMMY HOWELL
You love me, Angel?
ANGEL SWEETLY
Yes.
TOMMY HOWELL
Mum! Angel loves me! Can we tie the bloody knot in church next Sunday?
LIZZY HOWELL
Well, you’re only fifteen, Tommy, and Angel’s only sixteen.
ANGEL SWEETLY
Lots of milkmaids get married at fourteen, Mrs. Howell. And Tommy’s a man now: just look at him!
CHICKY KIPPER
She’s roight, Mrs. Howell. Bein’ a dog ‘as made ‘im into a man, even if ‘e is a bit scrawny.
LIZZY HOWELL
All roit. You two can marry in his Lordship’s chapel next Sunday, and then you bloomin’ well better start making me some grandkiddies!
ANGEL SWEETLY
(taking TOMMY’s arm)
Oi’ve always wanted to have some little nippers, Mrs. Howell, and Tommy’s just the chap to help me with that!
LIZZY HOWELL
What do you say, Tommy?
TOMMY HOWELL
It’s bloomin’ wonderful, Mum! Oi’m the ‘appiest dog-boy in England!
(He and ANGEL exit arm in arm.)
CHICKY KIPPER
It’s so bloody romantic, Mrs. Howell…oi think oim going to croi!
LIZZY HOWELL
‘Appiness and tears is best friends, Chicky. Always have been, always will be. Come on, let’s go tell ‘is lordship.
(They exit.)
Coldark Castle by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 14:
(The GHOST TWINS enter.)
TILLIE MOULD
It’s no use, Milly, we’ll never find Binky.
MILLIE MOULD
But what are we going to do, Tilly? We’re lost out here on the moors.
TILLIE MOULD
We must somehow make our way home to Mummy and Daddy.
MILLIE MOULD
But we’ve been wandering about for two hundred years. Mummy and Daddy will be dead as doornails.
TILLIE MOULD
We should be dead, too Milly. We’re nothing more than whisps of fog.
MILLIE MOULD
And Binky’s gone forever. Perhaps he fell in a bog hole and turned into sludge!
TILLIE MOULD
It breaks my heart to wander off without the little blighter.
MILLIE MOULD
He’ll never again snuggle with us beneath our damp and icy English sheets.
(They exit.)
Coldark Castle by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 15:
(MRS. PORRIDGE and BERTRAND enter.)
MRS. PORRIDGE
Feeling better, Mr. Stickny?
BERTRAND STICKNY
Much better, Mrs. Porridge.
MRS. PORRIDGE
Wouldn’t want you to lose your strength, Mr. Stickny, know what oi mean?
BERTRAND STICKNY
Indeed I do, Mrs. Porridge. I’ll need all my strength to ask you something.
MRS. PORRIDGE
Yes, Mr. Stickny?
BERTRAND STICKNY
Mrs. Porridge, we’ve worked together for how long?
MRS. PORRIDGE
Twenty years, Mr. Stickny.
BERTRAND STICKNY
And all this time, I’ve had a tender feeling for you, Mrs. Porridge.
MRS. PORRIDGE
Well, now, Mr. Stickny, ain’t that noice! And oi’ve ‘ad a tender spot for you, too.
BERTRAND STICKNY
And so my question is…
(kneeling)
Will you marry me, Mrs. Porridge?
MRS. PORRIDGE
Woi, Mr. Stickny, of course oi’ll bloomin’ marry you!
BERTRAND STICKNY
(taking her sturdy hand)
Then call me “Bertrand”, Mrs. Stickny.
MRS. PORRIDGE
Are you sure, Mr. Stickny? It’s a bit awkward, innit, after all these years?
BERTRAND STICKNY
Try it, Mrs. Porridge. Perhaps you’ll like it.
MRS. PORRIDGE
(with much effort)
“Bertrand”. There. Phew! That wasn’t ‘alf ‘ard to sie! But anythink for love, eh? And now you must call me “Edna”, “Bertrand”.
BERTRAND STICKNY
(with much care)
“Edna”. What a wonderful name!
MRS. PORRIDGE
Let’s go tell Lord Fawfallaw the good news! ‘E won’t ‘alf be suproised!
(They exit.)
Coldark Castle by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 16:
(PROFESSOR WOLFBANE enters with CONSTABLE BLIMEY and INSPECTOR BUSTWELL.)
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
I suggest we hide here. Professor Von Gremlin is bound to pass by eventually.
CONSTABLE BLIMEY
Roit.
INSPECTOR BUSTWELL
Quickly then.
(They hide as PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN enters with a portable Radio.)
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
I must get a message to mine submarine.
(setting up her radio)
Zis iss Von Gremlin…Von Gremlin to U boat 57. Yes, I am in zuh castle. I haff not been able to assassinate Terrence Fawfallaw. I am returning at once to zuh boat. Over und out!
(putting the radio away)
Mine gott! I forgot to speak in Cherman! I haff been here in zuh heart off England too long!
(At this point, CONSTABLE BLIMEY and INSPECTOR BUSTWELL rush out and arrest PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN. PROFESSOR WOLFBANE comes out of hiding too.)
INSPECTOR BUSTWELL
You’re under arrest, Von Gremlin. We know what you’ve been up to.
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
Vot iss zuh meaning of zis?
INSPECTOR BUSTWELL
We’ve had a word with Terrence Fawfallaw. He hasn’t been selling British secrets, you have!
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
And you wanted to kill him to make it look like he was being silenced to stop him from talking.
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
Go ahead und arrest me! It does not matter! Der vaterland vill soon crush your puny nation like a bug!
CONSTABLE BLIMEY
(doubling up his fists and threatening VON GREMLIN with them)
‘Ere, now…don’t be calling good old England a bug, Von Gremlin, or you’ll feel the sting of me English fists!
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
Now, now, Constable, that’s not the English way. Von Gremlin will soon be facing a firing squad anyway.
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
Schiessen!
INSPECTOR BUSTWELL
Let’s go tell Lord Fawfallaw the good news.
(They exit with VON GREMLIN under arrest.)
Coldark Castle by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 17:
(EVERYONE enters, except the GHOST GIRLS. A big tableau is formed.)
LORD FAWFALLAW
Now let me get this straight. My ward Pinky Hartworthy wants to marry Jonathan Fairweather.
PINKY HARTWORTHY
Yes, Lord Fawfallaw, with all my wildly pumping heart.
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
We want to hold the wedding at the first opportunity, which is next Sunday.
LADY AGATHA
You had best give Pinky permission, Humphwell, or Miss Wheeler and I might have to tell everyone something about Pinky’s past.
LORD FAWFALLAW
Yes…hmmmphhh…of course. No need for that, Aunt Agatha, no need for that. You have my blessing, Pinky.
MRS. PORRIDGE
Your lordship?
LORD FAWFALLAW
Oh yes, Mrs. Porridge. You and Bertrand also want to get married?
BERTRAND STICKNY
If your lordship approves.
MRS. PORRIDGE
We arsk for your bleedin’ blessing, Lord Fawfallaw. We want to be married next Sunday too.
LADY FAWFALLAW
Of course he’ll give his blessing, won’t you Humphwell?
LORD FAWFALLAW
Yes, my dear. It seems we’re having an epidemic of marriages. Tommy Howell and Angel Sweetly also wish to tie the knot.
LIZZY HOWELL
They do, your honour, next Sunday, with my blessing.
CHICKY KIPPER
Look at them, your honour. You can see how much they bloomin’ love each other.
TOMMY HOWELL
Oi’d do anything for me Angel.
ANGEL SWEETLY
Tommy, oi’ll never leave you!
LORD FAWFALLAW
And what about you, Terrence.
TERRENCE FAWFALLAW
What about me, Pater?
LADY FAWFALLAW
You’ve had a close brush with the law, Terrence.
LORD FAWFALLAW
You were almost assassinated.
LADY FAWFALLAW
And your behaviour has been absolutely rotten.
TERRENCE FAWFALLAW
Has it, Mater?
LORD FAWFALLAW
So your mother and I must insist that you marry Lady Frederica immediately, or we will send her home to find someone more dependable.
LADY FREDERICA
It’s your last chance, Terrence.
TERRENCE FAWFALLAW
Oh, damn and blast it all, Freddy. You know I love you. I’ve just been rather shy about showing it. Will you marry me next Sunday?
LADY FREDERICA
Yes, Terrence, but not unless you apologize to Georgie and Maggie.
TERRENCE FAWFALLAW
I’m sorry, Georgie and Maggie…I acted badly.
GEORGIE
We enjoyed it immensely, Terry, me lad.
MAGGIE
It’s not every day a pair of common maids get to bash a toff on the ‘ead with a cast iron pan!
LORD FAWFALLAW
Inspector Bustwell and Constable Blimey, it appears you got what you came for.
INSPECTOR BUSTWELL
(as CONSTABLE BLIMEY holds VON GREMLIN under arrest)
We’ve caught a German spy, and proven once again that the sun shall never set on the British Empire. What more could we ask?
CONSTABLE BLIMEY
‘Ow’s it feel to be in good old England now, Von Gremlin?
PROFESSOR VON GREMLIN
You vill not be laffing ven our troops are marching through zuh streets off London!
LADY FAWFALLAW
Poor Professor Wolfbane! You seem to be the only one who hasn’t got something from your visit with us.
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
Oh, but I have, Lady Fawfallaw, I have. Watch…
(The GHOST TWINS enter.)
TILLIE MOULD
We’re home again, Milly, home again.
MILLIE MOULD
Now we can rest.
TILLIE MOULD
We should never have tried to follow Binky out onto the moor.
ILLIE MOULD
We’ve been wandering for two hundred years.
TILLIE MOULD
Mummy and Daddy are here, sleeping forever.
MILLIE MOULD
Let’s join them in the catacombs beneath us, among the bones of our ancestors.
(The TWINS exit.)
PROFESSOR WOLFBANE
There! I’ve solved the mystery of the ghost twins, two little girls who got lost on the moors two hundred years ago looking for their pug. I’m going to write a book about it.
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
Good heavens! It’s getting warmer in here!
PINKY HARTWORTHY
So it is! The ghost twins must have found rest at last!
LADY FAWFALLAW
May I suggest that we all go to the grand dining room for a celebration?
REST of CAST
(except VON GREMLIN)
Hurray!
(They all exit except PINKY and JONATHAN.)
PINKY HARTWORTHY
Do you think those ghost children had something to do with all this, Jonathan?
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
I’m sure of it, Pinky. They brought us all together somehow, and somehow we all got what we wanted, except Professor Von Gremlin, thank heaven.
INKY HARTWORTHY
Perhaps ghosts visit us to teach us things, Jonathan.
JONATHAN FAIRWEATHER
I daresay they do, Pinky, I daresay they do.
(They exit and the two GHOST GIRLS enter hand-in-hand and stand centrestage as the lights go down.)
END OF PLAY.