Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2007
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 50 minutes
• style: satirical morality play
• suitable for general audiences
• 26 characters (19 female, 7 male)
• gender-flexible casting
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Heaven” is the story of a corporation tasked with creating the universe, and, of course, infiltrated by a malevolent saboteur.
(This play was first performed on October 31 & November 1, 2, 5, 6 & 7, in the year 2007, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
∗Published Online by Good School Plays, February 23, 2018.
Go to:
Act One, Scene 1
Act One, Scene 2
Act One, Scene 3
Act One, Scene 4
Act One, Scene 5
Act One, Scene 6
Act One, Scene 7
Act One, Scene 8
Act One, Scene 9
Act One, Scene 10
Act Two, Scene 1
Act Two, Scene 2
Act Two, Scene 3
Act Two, Scene 4
Act Two, Scene 5
CHARACTERS:
God:
MS. DIOSA OVERLORD
The Dark Angel and her Toadies:
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
GUNTHER NEZBRUN
JACK BRUNEZ
Supervisors:
CHUCK TOPPIT
NODDY TRUMPER
Security:
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
Personnel Department:
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Maintenance Team:
WIDGET FIXMORE
HAROLD MOPPANGO
BOBBI DABBIT
Sales:
MADGE EYE
JOHNNY SKOOKUM
ERNEST BONMOT
OLGA RUSSELBUCK
Secretaries:
KITTY YUGOSLAVIA
PERKY NOVINA
LULU WANNACOT
Factory Foreman:
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
Production Line Workers:
TILLY WERKIT
BABETTE LINEBUKKER
HUGO BROADBACK
MILLIE TENT
GOODY GOOD
MAUD ROCKER
Heaven by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 1:
(SETTING: The staff room and meeting center of Project Universe.)
(DIOSA OVERLORD is onstage, engaged in a meeting with CHUCK TOPPIT and NODDY TRUMPER.)
DIOSA OVERLORD
Project Universe is behind schedule. I want something done and now.
CHUCK TOPPIT
We’re working on it, Ms. Overlord.
NODDY TRUMPER
It’s a big job, Ms. Overlord.
DIOSA OVERLORD
You think I don’t know that? I’m the Supreme Being, for god’s sake! I know everything!
NODDY TRUMPER
Yes, and we respect that, Ms. Overlord.
DIOSA OVERLORD
Don’t try to suck up, Ms. Trumper! We’re behind schedule. Deal with it.
CHUCK TOPPIT
We’d be grateful if you could give us a little help.
DIOSA OVERLORD
Figure it out yourselves! That’s why I gave you Free Will!
NODDY TRUMPER
No offense, Ms. Overlord, but Free Will has its limits.
DIOSA OVERLORD
Of course it has its limits, Ms. Trumper! If it didn’t, everyone would be god, wouldn’t they?
NODDY TRUMPER
But if you gave us just a little more god-like power, we could work more efficiently.
DIOSA OVERLORD
Work with what I’ve already given you. If that’s not good enough, then perhaps I should fire you and find someone else to do the job.
CHUCK TOPPIT
(upset with NODDY)
No need for that, Ms. Overlord. We’ll find a way even if it kills us.
DIOSA OVERLORD
You mean even if I kill you.
CHUCK TOPPIT
Please don’t!
DIOSA OVERLORD
Then get cracking! There’s a Universe to create!
(MS. OVERLORD exits heatedly.)
NODDY TRUMPER
This is your fault, Chuck.
CHUCK TOPPIT
My fault? How is it my fault?
NODDY TRUMPER
You’re not ruthless enough with the workers.
CHUCK TOPPIT
But Directive One says the Universe is to be built with love!
NODDY TRUMPER
(yelling)
Do you think the way she was yelling at us has anything to do with love?
CHUCK TOPPIT
Even supreme beings have bad days.
NODDY TRUMPER
There’s only one Supreme Being, and she’s omnipotent. She can’t have a bad day!
CHUCK TOPPIT
Maybe omnipotence has its limits.
NODDY TRUMPER
Idiot! Omnipotence means “power without limits”. If that’s not ruthless, I don’t know what is.
CHUCK TOPPIT
But to be “ruthless” with the workers? It’s so contrary to Directive One.
NODDY TRUMPER
How else are we going to get this damned Universe built?
CHUCK TOPPIT
I just don’t think……
NODDY TRUMPER
(interrupting)
That’s right! You don’t think! I have to think for both of us, and I’m telling you, we’ve got to drive those workers like slaves or we’ll get fired!
CHUCK TOPPIT
Perhaps I should quit. Then you can be ruthless all by yourself.
NODDY TRUMPER
(changing tactics)
Listen, Chuck, when Ms. Overlord picked us for this gig, she said we’d have to do it together. Together, Chuck!
CHUCK TOPPIT
I’m not going to treat the workers like slaves.
NODDY TRUMPER
(playing hurt)
Sometimes you say things to me that hurt so much. I need you, Chuck, and you need me. Don’t you get it?
CHUCK TOPPIT
(softening)
I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, Noddy.
NODDY TRUMPER
(moving in close to him)
Then work with me, Chuck. I’ll make it worth your while. I promise.
CHUCK TOPPIT
(succumbing to her advances)
Noddy….
NODDY TRUMPER
(putting her arms around his neck)
Just trust me, Chuck. Let me do what has to be done, and everything will be wonderful.
CHUCK TOPPIT
(putting his arms around her)
You smell so good.
NODDY TRUMPER
Uh huh.
CHUCK TOPPIT
(suddenly realizing that he’s falling under her spell and breaking away from her)
But I can’t go against Directive One. I’ve got to build the Universe with love, or not build it at all.
(Chuck exits.)
NODDY TRUMPER
(stomping her foot)
Damn, damn, damn!
Heaven by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 2:
(LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE enters with GUNTHER NEZBRUN and JACK BRUNEZ. She is furtive and secretive, and does not want DIOSA OVERLORD to know she’s in the neighbourhood.)
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
(to NODDY TRUMPER)
Well, you handled that badly.
NODDY TRUMPER
I’ll get him to see things my way in the end, Ms. Brushfire.
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
You’re confident, but if you want to be my lieutenant when I become ruler of the New Universe, you’ll have to be smart, too.
NODDY TRUMPER
I’m more than smart, Ms. Brushfire: I’m gifted.
GUNTHER NUZBRUN
(as he and JACK look at NODDY with hatred)
Her ego’s too big, Lucinda. Let me be your lieutenant.
JACK BRUNEZ
No, let me!
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
No. You’re both much too stupid for the job.
GUNTHER NEZBRUN
But I’m vicious.
JACK BRUNEZ
Me too. That ought to count for something.
(JACJ and GUNTHER stalk NODDY, growling, than barking at her, biting the air with their teeth. NODDY watches them, unimpressed.)
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
Gunther! Jack!
(GUNTHER and JACK pause)
That’s enough! Must I administer corporal punishment again?
(GUNTHER and JACK run to LUCINDA and beg on their knees.)
GUNTHER NEZBRUN
No! we deeply regret our lack of impulse control!
JACK BRUNEZ
We are simpletons! Have mercy on us!
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
Then behave.
(GUNTHER and JACK slink away, sulking.)
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
Now, Ms. Trumper, let’s talk about the workers.
NODDY TRUMPER
I promise I’ll be make them suffer as though they were in Hell, Ms. Brushfire.
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
(angered)
What makes you think there’s suffering in Hell?
NODDY TRUMPER
I’m sorry. It was a bad simile. I’m sure you’ve done your best to make Hell a pleasant place.
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
(putting a friendly arm around NODDY’S shoulders)
Hell is my home, Noddy. My home. I’m the boss there, and I’ve given it a few charming personal touches.
GUNTHER NEZBRUN
She’s installed an ice-maker.
JACK BRUNEZ
And a high-powered fan.
NODDY TRUMPER
Nice.
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
(pushing NODDY away)
But I’d rather be the boss here. So get to work! Seduce that goody-two-shoes Chuck Toppit and make him do your bidding!
NODDY TRUMPER
Oh, I will, believe me, Ms. Brushfire.
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
Make those workers so unhappy they’ll rebel against Diosa Overlord!
NODDY TRUMPER
I’ve given the foreman of the workers a love potion that has made her lose her grip on her duties, Ms. Brushfire.
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
Good. That should cause a reasonable amount of chaos in the factory.
NODDY TRUMPER
And chaos will lead to rebellion. I’ve got it all happening, Ms. Brushfire.
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
Have you? I warn you: if you try to deceive me in any way, you really will burn in Hell.
(GUNTHER and JACK snicker.)
NODDY TRUMPER
I promised I’d serve you, and I meant it. You can take that to the bank.
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
Banks haven’t been invented yet.
NODDY TRUMPER
Sorry. Another bad metaphor.
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
Come, Gunther and Jack. It’s time for my massage.
JACK BRUNEZ
It’s your turn to give her burning surface a rubdown, Gunther.
GUNTHER NEZBRUN
But I forgot my asbestos gloves in Hell.
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
Then you’ll have to use your bare hands.
GUNTHER NEZBRUN
Poor Gunther.
(JACK snickers as they complete their exit.)
NODDY TRUMPER
One day I will liquidate Gunther and Jack. Now, I must find Chuck and force him to do my bidding.
(she exits)
Heaven by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 3:
(GINGER MORNINGSTAR and BUNTY RAPNOODLE enter.)
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
As head of security, I must warn you that the boss isn’t happy with the project, Biddy.
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
So formal! What’s the problem, Ginger?
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
You should know.
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
I should?
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
Oh, come on, Bunty. Don’t play Little Miss Innocent with me.
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
(playing Little Miss Innocent)
I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
The workers?
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
What about them?
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
You’re the foreman! You’re supposed to be keeping them in line!
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
(dancing about, pretending not to listen)
Dumdee dumdee dum! La, la, la, la, laaaaa! I’m not listening to you!
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
(grabbing BUNTY)
Stop that!
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
Owwwww! You’re hurting me!
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
I’ll do a lot more than hurt you if you keep playing games with me!
(GINGER pushes BUNTY away.)
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
What?
(as if talking to a baby or a puppy)
Is widdle Ginger all upset because big bad Bunty won’t wisten!
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
You have no idea how badly I want to kick your ass right now. What’s come over you anyway? Anyone would think you’re under a spell of some sort.
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
All right, so I’ve let things get a little slack in the factory.
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
A little?
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
It’s not my fault! I’ve been under a lot of stress lately.
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
What stress?
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
I’m in love.
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
With who?
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
Chuck Toppit.
(CHUCK enters and crosses, preoccupied with NODDY’S desire to be ruthless.)
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
Hi, Chuck.
CHUCK TOPPIT
What? Oh, hello, Ms. Rapnoodle.
(CHUCK exits.)
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
Chuck Toppit? He’s out of bounds, Bunty, and you know it.
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
That’s why I’m so stressed. That horrible Noddy Trumper has her nasty little claws in him.
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
You still have to do your job whether you’re in love or not.
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
Oh, Ginger, do I? I really can’t seem to focus.
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
(grabbing her by the shoulders)
Pull yourself together, girl. You’re the factory foreman on Project Universe, the greatest endeavour in the history of the Universe!
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
But there is no Universe yet.
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
And there won’t be if you don’t get those workers working!
(GINGER releases BUNTY.)
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
(snapping to attention)
You can count on me, Ginger! I’m your man. I mean girl!
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
Good. Now let’s have no more of that nonsense about Chuck Toppit.
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
But Ginger, I love him!
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
You’ll have to put your feelings on “hold” until the Universe is built.
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
(determined to do the right thing)
Right. Gotcha. On hold.
(giving up)
It’s hopeless! Oh, Ginger, Chuck’s the only thing I can think about!
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
Tell you what: I’ll arrange for you to have a secret rendezvous with Chuck if you promise to get the workers working again.
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
(shaking GINGER’S hand vigorously)
Done! Thanks, Ginger, you’re a peach! When will I get to see Chuck?
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
I’ll have to negotiate something with him. Meanwhile, get to work!
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
I’m walking on air! Just think, soon my darling Chucky will be in my arms!
(Bunty exits.)
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
How the hell are we going to make a Universe when all we’ve got to work with is chaos?
(NODDY TRUMPER enters.)
NODDY TRUMPER
Ginger! Have you seen Chuck?
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
He just walked by a minute ago, Ms. Trumper.
NODDY TRUMPER
Oh, by the way, how is Bunty Rapnoodle doing as foreman of the workers?
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
Not very well, I’m afraid.
NODDY TRUMPER
Is she, by any chance, in the throes of romantic love?
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
The silly woman seems to have fallen in love with Chuck Toppit.
NODDY TRUMPER
You don’t say? How about that!
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
Shouldn’t you be a bit more concerned about it?
NODDY TRUMPER
Oh, I’m concerned about it, Ginger. Believe me, I’m very, very concerned!
(NODDY exits.)
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
She’s up to something.
Heaven by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 4:
(CONNIE TENDERFOOT and BIDDY CRACKDOWN enter.)
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Well, Officer Morningstar, did you get Bunty Rapnoodle motivated?
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
You bet, Ms. Crackdown.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
As head of the Personnel Department, I won’t countenance dereliction of duty!
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
She’ll get the workers working, Ms. Crackdown.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
I feel your pain, Officer Morningstar.
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
Pardon?
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Your pain…I feel it, wafting over me like a black fog!
(she dances, weaving her arms in a snakelike way)
Your pain, your pain, I feel your pain!
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Ms. Tenderfoot?
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
(stopping her dance)
Yes, Ms. Crackdown?
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Stop it.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Poor, dear Ms. Crackdown. If you want me to stop, I will.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
(to GINGER)
Ms. Tenderfoot is enthusiastic about her work as a healer of distressed souls.
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
That’s for sure.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Now, if only I could get that same kind of enthusiasm from the rest of you, the Universe would be built in a day!
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
There are no days yet, Ms. Crackdown. There won’t be any days until……
(speaking with dramatic emphasis, moving wildly)
“the Big Launch”!
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Quite so, Ms. Tenderfoot. Now, Officer Morningstar, you must make sure that the workers give it everything they’ve got.
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
I’ll do my best, Ms. Crackdown, but I’m only a flat-footed old police woman. My powers are limited.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
No, no, Officer Morningstar. You’re not simple! You’re a beautiful, complex being, designed with love to be a part of Diosa Overlord’s great plan!
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
(to CONNIE)
Whatever.
(to GINGER)
Just get those workers working, Ginger.
GINGER MORNINSTAR
Right. Time’s a-wasting. Excuse me.
(GINGER exits.)
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
How strange that we talk about time, though it doesn’t exist yet.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Neither does language, but we speak English, which isn’t scheduled to appear for several million years.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
It’s all part of the wondrous mysteries of creation!
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Connie, I’m getting a bit tired of all your gushing.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Gushing?
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
That endless outpouring of pseudo-soulful mystical stuff about beauty and love.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
(hurt)
It’s not “pseudo”. I really feel that way.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Yeah? Well save it for the workers. They’re dumb enough to believe it.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
But I believe it, and I’m not dumb!
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Let’s not go there.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
You think I’m dumb!
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
I didn’t say you’re dumb, Connie.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
But you think it!
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
All right, so you’re not the sharpest tack in the toolshed. You’re good at what you do, and that’s all that matters.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
I’m smart, Ms. Crackdown.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Fine. You’re smart.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
You’re just saying that.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Of course I’m just saying it! You wanted me to lie to you, Connie Tenderfoot, so I did!
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Quit it!
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Quit what?
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Being mean.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
You sound like a pouty teenager.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Those won’t come along until the invention of high schools.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Let’s try a different topic. Are you ready for your big performance for the workers?
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
I thought I was but now I feel dumb and I don’t want to do it.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
You’ve got to do it or Ms. Overlord will be furious!
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
I’m not scared of her.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
But you’ve got to do your performance. Do you want to ruin Project Universe?
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Hard ass.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
What?
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
I said “hard ass”, because that’s what you are.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Connie, let’s be friends again, all right?
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Only if you stop thinking I’m dumb, and saying that I “gush”.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Fine. I’ll try to change my opinion of your intellect, and I won’t say the word “gush” in your presence.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
That’s better.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
So you’ll do the performance?
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Of course, Biddy.
(dancing about)
I shall pour out my soul-restoring words and love-vibes for the poor, exhausted workers! Love, Biddy, love, dancing like dust motes throughout our new and lovely Universe!
(CONNIE exits.)
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
(to the audience)
In a few millennia, she’s what’s going to be called a “hippy”.
(CHUCK TOPPIT enters, still worried about NODDY and herplans to be ruthless.)
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Morning, Mr. Toppit.
CHUCK TOPPIT
Oh! Good morning, Ms. Crackdown.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Is everything all right?
CHUCK TOPPIT
No, dammit. Everything is not all right!
(CHUCK exits and NODDY enters.)
NODDY TRUMPER
Have you seen Chuck Toppit, Ms. Crackdown?
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
He just scurried past me, Ms. Trumper.
NODDY TRUMPER
Oh, by the way, is Connie Tenderfoot ready to do her inspirational speech for the workers?
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
I’m not sure. She seems a bit out of sorts.
NODDY TRUMPER
Out of sorts?
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
She’s defensive and combative. I offered her some friendly advice and she threatened to cancel her speech.
NODDY TRUMPER
Well, isn’t that something! Whatever next.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
You don’t seem very worried about it, Ms. Trumper.
NODDY TRUMPER
I’ll worry my way, and you worry yours, Biddy. Now, I must find Chuck
(NODDY exits.)
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Hmmm. Something odd is going on
(BIDDY exits and LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE enters with GUNTHER NEZBRUN.)
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
That was a fabulous massage, Gunther.
GUNTHER NEZBRUN
My fingers feel like they’ve been burned to a crisp.
JACK BRUNEZ
(to GUNTHER)
Crying like a baby! What a weenie!
GUNTHER NEZBRUN
A roasted weenie!
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
No need to be a baby about it, Gunther, especially when things are going so well.
GUNTHER NEZBRUN
Things are going well?
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
Noddy Trumper’s greed and ambition is making her do exactly what I need her to do.
GUNTHER and JACK
We don’t understand.
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
Of course you don’t. You’re dimwitted, remember?
GUNTHER and JACK
Oh yeah.
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
Now come along. Jack, I want you to cook me a nice bowl of hot and spicy curried lava.
JACK BRUNEZ
My specialty! I’ll make enough for me, too!
GUNTHER NEZBRUN
Can I have some?
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
No.
GUNTHER NEZBRUN
Poor Gunther.
(They exit.)
Heaven by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 5:
(WIDGET FIXMORE enters, checking her “to do” notebook. CHUCK TOPPIT crosses, still looking worried. NODDY TRUMPER enters.)
NODDY TRUMPER
Ms. Fixmore, have you seen Mr. Toppit?
WIDGET FIXMORE
He just passed through, Ms. Trumper.
NODDY TRUMPER
Did you repair the star-maker machine?
WIDGET FIXMORE
We’re working on it, Ms. Trumper.
NODDY TRUMPER
Working on it? Why isn’t it fixed yet?
WIDGET FIXMORE
I don’t know, but my maintenance team will be reporting to me any moment.
NODDY TRUMPER
Don’t let yourself get too stressed about it, Widget. I’m sure things will sort themselves out eventually.
WIDGET FIXMORE
But we’re behind schedule, Ms. Trumper. Ms. Overlord wants the star-maker fixed as soon as possible.
NODDY TRUMPER
I’m sure she does, but we all know she can be a bit of a worry-wart.
WIDGET FIXMORE
She’s the Supreme Being. Perhaps we shouldn’t refer to her as a “worry-wart”?
NODDY TRUMPER
Oh, she won’t mind. She’s all powerful. Sticks and stones can’t break her bones, and names can never hurt her.
(NODDY exits.)
WIDGET FIXMORE
That’s odd. You’d think Noddy Trumper would be furious with us for not getting that star-maker fixed. I know Ms. Overlord’s seriously upset about it.
(shouting)
Harold Moppango! Bobbi Dabbit! Get in here right now!
(HAROLD and BOBBI enter together.)
HAROLD MOPPANGO
What’s up, Ms. Fixmore?
BOBBI DABBIT
You sound worried.
WIDGET FIXMORE
Where the heck have you been?
HAROLD MOPPANGO
Puttering about, fixing this and that.
WIDGET FIXMORE
Puttering about?
BOBBI DABBIT
That’s how stuff gets fixed, Ms. Fixmore.
HAROLD MOPPANGO
Can’t rush things, Ms. Fixmore. Puttering’s best.
WIDGET FIXMORE
No it isn’t! Puttering is inefficient! There will be no more puttering!
BOBBI DABBIT
You’re the boss.
WIDGET FIXMORE
Why isn’t the star-making machine repaired?
HAROLD MOPPENGO
There’s something clogging the spew-tube.
WIDGET FIXMORE
Well unclog the spew-tube!
BOBBI DABBIT
But the spew-tube stinks really bad, Ms. Fixmore.
HAROLD MOPPENGO
It’s got some sort of nasty slime in it.
BOBBI DABBIT
One whiff makes me puke.
WIDGET FIXMORE
Slime?
HAROLD MOPPENGO
Slime. Green, red, and pink slime.
WIDGET FIXMORE
In the star-maker spew-tube?
BOBBI DABBIT
Coating the inner surface, Ms. Fixmore.
WIDGET FIXMORE
I don’t like the sound of this.
HAROLD MOPPENGO
What do you think it is?
WIDGET FIXMORE
Something diabolical.
BOBBI DABBIT
Diabolical?
WIDGET FIXMORE
Diabolical, from “el Diablo”, which means “the Devil” in Spanish, which is a language that hasn’t been invented yet.
HAROLD MOPPENGO
You’re scaring me, Ms. Fixmore.
BOBBI DABBIT
Are you saying that gunk is Devil-slime?
WIDGET FIXMORE
Time to put on our haz-mat suits, kids.
HAROLD MOPPENGO
It’s going to take more than a haz-mat suit to protect us from Devil-slime.
WIDGET FIXMORE
We’ll only take enough of the stuff to run tests. If it really is Devil-slime, we’ll have to report it to Diosa Overlord herself.
BOBBI DABBIT
You mean take it to the top?
WIDGET FIXMORE
To the very top. Ms. Overlord is the Supreme Being. She’s the only one with the power to deal with the Devil.
HAROLD MOPPENGO
Shouldn’t we tell Ms. Crackdown? She’s our supervisor.
WIDGET FIXMORE
No. Get this straight, you two: you are not to trust anyone except Ms. Overlord herself, understand?
BOBBI and HAROLD
We understand.
WIDGET FIXMORE
Go get those HAZ-MAT suits and meet me at the star-maker right away.
(WIDGET exits.)
BOBBI DABBIT
I don’t want to go anywhere near the star-maker machine.
HAROLD MOPPANGO
Me neither, but an order’s an order.
BOBBI DABBIT
Do you think those haz-mat suits will protect us?
HAROLD MOPPANGO
From Devil-slime? No way.
BOBBI DABBIT
(taking hold of HAROLD’S hands)
Oh, Harold, what will become of us, my love?
HAROLD MOPPANGO
I don’t know, darling Bobbi, but at least we’ll be together.
BOBBI DABBIT
(embracing HAROLD)
If only we could escape from here and start a new life together somewhere else.
HAROLD MOPPANGO
(gently disentangling her)
But there is nowhere else, Bobbi. This is all there is.
BOBBI DABBIT
That’s right. I forgot that the Universe hasn’t been created yet.
HAROLD MOPPANGO
Maybe we can find a little planet of our own once the Universe is formed.
BOBBI DABBIT
Do you think Ms. Overlord would let us?
HAROLD MOPPANGO
She’s a grumpy old cuss, but I think she’s kind at heart.
BOBBI DABBIT
Then let’s get those HAZ-MAT suits and do our best to help her!
(They exit hand in hand. LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE enters with GUNTHER NEZBRUN and JACK BRUNEZ.)
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
That curried lava was most delicious, Jack.
GUNTHER NEZBRUN
I can’t believe you and Jack ate a whole bucket of it.
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
I’m a growing girl, Gunther, with boundless ambition.
(pinching JACK’S cheek)
And sometimes Jack knows just how to please me!
(JACK sticks his tongue out at GUNTHER.)
GUNTHER NEZBRUN
Then why are you frowning, Ms. Brushfire?
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
That damned star-maker machine is proving to be problematic, Gunther.
JACK BRUNEZ
What’s wrong with it, Ms. Brushfire?
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
We were able to reverse its polarity so as to have it suck us out of Hell and deposit us here, but we left a lot of slime in it.
JACK BRUNEZ
An awful lot.
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
(to GUNTHER)
And I asked you to clean the slime up so no one would knew we’re here.
GUNTHER NEZBRUN
(not liking where this is going)
Uh huh.
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
But you didn’t clean it up, did you, Gunther?
GUNTHER NEZBRUN
Jack made me style his hair, so I didn’t have time.
JACK BRUNEZ
What was I to do? My hair was a mess after shooting through the star-tube.
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
(to GUNTHER)
IDIOTS! You better pray you haven’t ruined my plans.
GUNTHER NEZBRUN
Who should we pray to?
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
Me! Not Diosa Overlord, that stuck-up, self-righteous, manipulative megalomaniac.
JACK BRUNEZ
Mega what?
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
Never mind. Now come with me. I want Gunther to give me an injection of liquid fire to help me achieve clarity of mind.
JACK BRUNEZ
Ha, ha, Gunther! You get to hold a needle full of fire with your funny burned fingers!
GUNTHER NEZBRUN
Poor Gunther.
(They exit.)
Heaven by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 6:
(DIOSA OVERLORD enters. The THREE SECRETARIES enter from the opposite side.)
DIOSA OVERLORD
Ah, my three loyal secretaries. Kitty, take dictation.
KITTY YUGOSLAVIA
(producing her steno pad)
Yes, Ms. Overlord.
DIOSA OVERLORD
(composing her letter)
Dear Valued Members of Project Universe: as Supreme Being and originator of the project, I urge you all to try harder. Rome will not be built in a day, and neither will the Universe. However, we are slipping behind schedule and I expect you to work harder and smarter. Yours truly, Diosa Overlord.
KITTY YUGOSLAVIA
Got it, Ms. Overlord.
DIOSA OVERLORD
Thank you, Kitty. Perky?
PERKY NOVINA
Yes, Ms. Overlord?
DIOSA OVERLORD
Make sure a copy of the letter gets put in everyone’s mailbox, all right?
PERKY NOVINA
Yes, Ms. Overlord.
DIOSA OVERLORD
Now Lulu, could you do something for me?
LULU WANNACOT
Of course, Ms. Overlord.
DIOSA OVERLORD
Smile.
LULU WANNOCOT
Pardon?
DIOSA OVERLORD
Smile. We may be behind schedule, but it’s not the end of the world. In fact, there is no world yet.
LULU WANNACOT
It’s just that I’m so terribly worried, Ms. Overlord.
DIOSA OVERLORD
We all are, Lulu.
LULU WANNACOT
Even you?
DIOSA OVERLORD
Even me.
LULU WANNACOT
But you’re the Supreme Being. Why would you be worried?
DIOSA OVERLORD
Because I choose to be, Lulu. I can choose anything. That’s what makes me Supreme.
LULU WANNACOT
I don’t understand.
DIOSA OVERLORD
That’s why you’re not the Supreme Being. Later.
(DIOSA exits.)
KITTY YUGOSLAVIA
Something’s going on.
PERKY NOVINA
It must be serious if Ms. Overlord’s worried about it.
LULU WANNACOT
If Project Universe is behind schedule, maybe Ms. Overlord isn’t really the Supreme Being.
KITTY YUGOSLAVIA
Lulu! How dare you say such a thing?
LULU WANNACOT
Well, why would she let the project lose momentum, then?
PERKY NOVINA
Maybe she’s tired.
LULU WANNACOT
If she’s tired, she’s not all-powerful.
KITTY YUGOSLAVIA
What are you saying, Lulu Wannacot?
LULU WANNACOT
I’m saying maybe there’s someone who’s even more supreme than Ms. Overlord. Someone who’s the Supreme Supreme Being.
PERKY NOVINA
Then where is she?
LULU WANNACOT
I don’t know. Maybe she or he or it is invisible.
KITTY YUGOSLAVIA
I think you should shut up, Lulu.
LULU WANNACOT
Why?
KITTY YUGOSLAVIA
Because you’re crazy, that’s why.
LULU WANNACOT
You’re just scared that what I’m saying might be true.
PERKY NOVINA
Please don’t fight.
KITTY YUGOSLAVIA
Maybe Perky’s the Supreme Supreme Being.
PERKY NOVINA
Me?
KITTY YUGOSLAVIA
Yes you. If it’s not Ms. Overlord it could be any one of us.
PERKY NOVINA
It’s not me.
KITTY YUGOSLAVIA
How do you know?
PERKY NOVINA
I’ve got a bad memory and I sweat when I’m scared.
LULU WANNACOT
It’s not me either. And it couldn’t be you, Kitty.
KITTY YUGOSLAVIA
Why not?
LULU WANNACOT
Your breath.
(PERKY giggles)
KITTY YUGOSLAVIA
Ha, ha, very funny.
LULU WANNACOT
I say we try to find out if someone working on the project is really the Supreme Supreme Being in disguise.
KITTY YUGOSLAVIA
And just how are we going to do that?
LULU WANNACOT
We’ll use the only known Supreme Being test.
PERKY NOVINA
How does it work?
LULU WANNACOT
You start killing people until you find one that comes back to life.
KITTY YUGOSLAVIA
I’m not killing anyone.
PERKY NOVINA
Me either.
LULU WANNACOT
Then we’ll never find out who the Supreme Supreme Being is.
KITTY YUGOSLAVIA
That’s fine with me. Sometimes, I think Ms. Overlord sent you to torment us, Lulu.
PERKY NOVINA
We better get those letters into the mailboxes.
KITTY YUGOSLAVIA
That’s right. An order’s an order.
LULU WANNACOT
Fine. Put your heads in the sand. But I’m warning you: something big’s going on, and you better be ready to deal with it.
PERKY NOVINA
I don’t want to deal with anything!
LULU WANNACOT
Perky, for once you’re going to have to be more than just a good little secretary.
PERKY NOVINA
But I don’t know how to be anything else!
(LULU takes hold of PERKY and throws her down.)
PERKY NOVINA
What did you do that for?
LULU WANNACOT
To show you that you can take a bit of punishment without falling to pieces.
KITTY YUGOSLAVIA
You’re out of line, Lulu.
LULU WANNACOT
Am I?
(LULU takes hold of KITTY and throws her down.)
LULU WANNACOT
There. Are you going to do something about it?
KITTY YUGOSLAVIA
You’re out of your mind, Lulu.
LULU WANNACOT
No, you are! If you were in your mind, you’d stop acting so stupid and start showing some courage! Now get up and fight me, both of you!
PERKY NOVINA
Stop it, Lulu!
LULU WANNACOT
No. You stop me. Come on, get up off that floor and fight me!
(PERKY and KITTY get up.)
LULU WANNACOT
That’s right. Now come on, try and throw me down!
KITTY YUGOSLAVIA
All right, if you really want us to, I don’t see why we shouldn’t.
PERKY NOVINA
You pushed us down, so we should push you down.
LULU WANNACOT
That’s it! Grab me! Throw me down!
(PERKY and KITTY each take one of LULU’S arms and throw her down.)
KITTY YUGOSLAVIA
You asked us to!
PERKY NOVINA
So don’t get mad!
LULU WANNACOT
(getting up)
See? You can fight if you have to? And I’ve got a feeling that you’re going to have to.
(KITTY and PERKY look at each other, and then at LULU.)
LULU WANNCOT
Now let’s go print that silly letter.
(They exit.)
Heaven by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 7:
(The SALES TEAM enters.)
MADGE EYE
Right. Let’s get down to business. Johnny, how are planet sales going?
JOHNNY SKOOKUM
Not good. I had a nice little deal for a planet called Earth that fell through completely.
MADGE EYE
What went wrong?
JOHNNY SKOOKUM
The buyer didn’t like the layout of the planet. Too much salt water and not enough fertile land.
MADGE EYE
Olga, what about star sales?
OLGA RUSSELBUCK
The star-maker’s broken. I can’t sell stars that don’t exist, Ms. Eye.
MADGE EYE
Ernest, what about comets and asteroids?
ERNEST BONMOT
No one’s interested in investing in useless chunks of rock, Ms. Eye.
MADGE EYE
Anyone get any nibbles on our galaxy clearance sale?
JOHNNY SKOOKUM
Too pricey, even on sale, Ms. Eye.
(DIOSA OVERLORD enters.)
DIOSA OVERLORD
Well, what a gloomy collection of sales people.
MADGE EYE
Nothing’s moving, Ms. Overlord.
JOHNNY SKOOKUM
None of the buyers seem interested in the product.
OLGA RUSSELBUCK
And even if they were, there’s a shortage of stars.
ERNEST BONMOT
And those asteroids and comets are a joke.
DIOSA OVERLORD
(angered)
A joke? Do you think I called for the creation of asteroids and comets as some kind of joke?
ERNEST BONMOT
No, no. What I meant was: they’re just not selling.
DIOSA OVERLORD
Listen up, sales people, and listen well. If you don’t start moving some of our inventory right away, the whole project will collapse!
MADGE EYE
Could you help us out with some of your Supreme Being power, Ms. Overlord?
DIOSA OVERLORD
No! When will you people get it through your thick heads that you have to use your own Free Will!
JOHNNY SKOOKUM
But our Free Wills seem so…so…so limited.
DIOSA OVERLORD
Limited? Limited? You can think about anything you please in any way you want and you say you’re Limited?
OLGA RUSSELBUCK
It’s not that we’re not grateful, Ms. Overlord. It’s just that, well, we’re turning out to be failures.
DIOSA OVERLORD
Failures? I don’t remember authorizing the invention of that word.
JOHNNY SKOOKUM
It’s what Ms. Trumper called us.
OLGA RUSSELBUCK
She said we were “a bunch of hopeless failures”.
ERNEST BONMOT
It wasn’t hard to figure out what she meant.
DIOSA OVERLORD
Noddy Trumper called you failures?
MADGE EYE
Uh huh.
DIOSA OVERLORD
I see.
(DIOSA seems particularly upset by this and ponders for a moment.)
DIOSA OVERLORD
I want you to take a break for a while. Spend a little time socializing. Madge, you go over there with Johnny. Ernest, you go over their with Olga. Show each other a little love, okay?
MADGE EYE
But what about the project? Won’t it collapse?
DIOSA OVERLORD
That’s a risk we’re going to have to take.
(DIOSA exits.)
MADGE EYE
Well, what are we waiting for. We better do what she says. Time for a little love-making.
(MADGE and JOHNNY go to one side of the stage, and ERNEST and OLGA to the other.)
JOHNNY SKOOKUM
Madge, Madge, did I ever tell you what pretty eyes you have?
MADGE EYE
Why no, Johnny.
JOHNNY SKOOKUM
Well, I’m telling you now.
MADGE EYE
Oh, Johnny!
(JOHNNY puts his arm around MADGE and they cuddle.)
OLGA RUSSELBUCK
My, my, Ernest, you are a wonderfully proportioned fellow!
ERNEST BONMOT
Thank you, Olga. I’m genetically blessed.
(OLGA puts her arm around ERNEST.)
JOHNNY SKOOKUM
This is so much better than trying to sell stars.
MADGE EYE
Sell what? Oh yes, stars. I’d almost forgotten.
OLGA RUSSELBUCK
I wonder why Ms. Overlord wanted us to do this?
ERNEST BONMOT
Whatever the reason, I’m happy to do it.
(They cuddle even more as CHUCK TOPPIT enters.)
MADGE EYE
Hey, Mr. Toppit, why the glum face?
CHUCK TOPPIT
It’s kind of personal, Madge.
JOHNNY SKOOKUM
Where’s Ms. Trumper? You two are always together.
CHUCK TOPPIT
I don’t know and frankly, that’s probably best.
OLGA RUSSELBUCK
But I thought you two were…close.
CHUCK TOPPIT
I thought so too.
ERNEST BONMOT
Don’t worry, Mr. Toppit, I’m sure everything will work out.
CHUCK TOPPIT
Thank you, Ernest. I wish I shared your optimism.
(CHUCK exits.)
MADGE EYE
Poor guy.
(NODDY TRUMPER enters, and takes in the scene.)
NODDY TRUMPER
What’s going on here? Why aren’t you selling stuff?
(The lovers draw themselves apart.)
MADGE EYE
We’re just following orders.
NODDY TRUMPER
Orders?
ERNEST BONMOT
Straight from the top.
JOHNNY SKOOKUM
Ms. Overlord told us to show a little love to each other.
OLGA RUSSELBUCK
So we are.
NODDY TRUMPER
I don’t believe you. We’re behind schedule and Ms. Overlord’s fit to be tied. Why would she ask you to sit around cuddling?
OLGA RUSSELBUCK
Who knows?
MADGE EYE
She’s the all-powerful, inscrutable Supreme Being. We just do what she says.
NODDY TRUMPER
She yells at me to get things on schedule, then tells you to slack off!
JOHNNY SKOOKUM
I guess you’re just going to have to figure it out all by yourself, Ms. Trumper.
NODDY TRUMPER
Don’t be impertinent, Johnny Skookum.
JOHNNY SKOOKUM
I’m just telling it like it is.
NODDY TRUMPER
We’ll see about this.
(NODDY exits in a huff.)
ERNEST BONMOT
She’s seriously ticked off.
OLGA RUSSELBUCK
Little Miss Bossy’s all upset!
JOHNNY SKOOKUM
Let’s get back to showing each other a little love.
MADGE EYE
Yes let’s, but somewhere a little more private.
OLGA RUSSELBUCK
Yes, somewhere where Noddy Trumper won’t find us.
ERNEST BONMOT
I say we go to the observatory, and look out at the vast empty vacuum of space while we cuddle!
JOHNNY SKOOKUM
There’s nothing like mindless cuddling while staring at nothing.
MADGE EYE
How poetic, Johnny!
(They exit.)
Heaven by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 8:
(MILLIE TENT, BABETTE LINEBUCKER, and MAUD ROCKER enter, followed by GOODY GOOD, TILLY WERKIT, and HUGO BROADBACK.)
GOODY GOOD
You can’t just walk off the job, Millie!
MILLIE TENT
Oh yes I can, and so can Babette and Maud.
TILLY WERKIT
Ms. Overlord doesn’t allow strikes.
HUGO BROADBACK
She’ll turn us into toadstools.
MAUD ROCKER
Toadstools? You are so gullible, Hugo Broadback. That’s just an idle threat.
BABETTE LINEBUKKER
How will Diosa Overlord get her precious Universe built by a bunch of toadstools?
MILLIE TENT
That’s right. She needs us. And we’re overworked and underpaid.
TILLY WERKIT
No one on the project gets paid.
MILLIE TENT
Exactly! But those days are over.
MAUD ROCKER
We’re not going back in that factory until we negotiate a fair contract!
BABETTE LINEBUKKER
We’re forming a union, and you three better join us!
GOODY GOOD
I don’t even know what a union is!
MILLIE TENT
It’s a community of workers who stick together to protect their interests!
HUGO BROADBACK
Stick together? With glue or something?
TILLY WERKIT
Don’t pretend to be dumb, Hugo Broadback!
HUGO BROADBACK
I’m not pretending!
TILLY WERKIT
You can’t just defy the Supreme Being!
MAUD ROCKER
Oh no? Just watch us.
GOODY GOOD
We’ll all be sent to…sent to…
BABETTE LINEBUKKER
To Hell? Oh come on, has anyone here ever been sent to Hell?
TILLY WERKIT
Lucinda Brushfire was sent there!
HUGO BROADBACK
And her toadies Gunther Nezbrun and Jack Brunez.
MILLIE TENT
That was right at the beginning, when Ms. Overlord first presented her plan.
MAUD ROCKER
She got rid of everyone evil and dangerous, and kept everyone good and safe.
BABETTE LINEBUKKER
But there are limits on being good and safe.
MILLIE TENT
Being good doesn’t mean letting ourselves be exploited!
MAUD ROCKER
Being safe doesn’t mean not complaining when working conditions are unsafe!
BABETTE LINEBUKKER
And so we’re forming a union and going on strike!
TILLY WERKIT
I’m going back to work!
MILLIE TENT
(grabbing TILLY)
Oh no you’re not!
GOODY GOOD
I’m going back too!
MAUD ROCKER
(grabbing GOODY)
No way!
TILLY WERKIT
Hugo, Hugo! Help us, Hugo!
HUGO BROADBACK
I can’t! I promised Ms. Overlord I’d never be violent!
MILLIE TENT
(releasing TILLY)
Join the union! Go on strike with us!
MAUD ROCKER
(releasing GOODY)
Stand up for yourselves for once!
BABETTE LINEBUKKER
Don’t let yourselves be used up and thrown away!
HUGO BROADBACK
Thrown away?
MILLIE TENT
What do you think Ms. Overlord’s going to do with us once the Universe is finished?
MAUD ROCKER
She’ll pack us up like an old tool set and put us on a cosmic shelf somewhere.
BABETTE LINEBUCKER
And what will we have to show for it? Nothing!
TILLY WERKIT
We’ll have a Universe.
GOODY GOOD
That’s something to be proud of.
HUGO BROADBACK
It’s something to brag about to our grandchildren!
MILLIE TENT
We’re not designed to reproduce! This is it! After we’re shut down, there’ll be nothing left of any of us!
MAUD ROCKER
Join us, comrades!
TILLY WERKIT
Comrades?
BABETTE LINEBUKKER
It means “fellow workers”, or it least it will mean that in the twentieth century in a place called Earth.
(GINGER MORNINGSTAR enters.)
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
What’s going on here? You’re supposed to be in the factory working!
MILLIE TENT
We’re on strike!
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
The hell you are! Get back to work, NOW!
MAUD ROCKER
Let’s show that flunky who’s boss!
BABETTE LINEBUKKER
Grab her and tie her up!
(MILLIE, MAUD, and BABETTE grab GINGER, who throws them off. They attack again, but again she throws them off.)
TILLY WERKIT
(as the attack proceeds)
Stop! Stop it! Have you gone mad?
HUGO BROADBACK
Leave her alone! She didn’t do anything to you!
GOODY GOOD
We’re going to be in so much trouble!
(BUNTY RAPNOODLE enters.)
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
What’s going on here? Have you gone mad! Stop it! STOP IT!
(Finally, the attack stops and the three workers back away from GINGER.)
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
They’ve gone crazy, Bunty. Why weren’t you looking after them?
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
(to the workers)
I leave you alone for a moment, and you turn into a violent mob?
MILLIE TENT
For a moment? For a moment? You’ve been gone for an eternity!
TILLY WERKIT
You left us alone, Ms. Rapnoodle, and we were like a headless body, twitching and kicking!
BABETTE LINEBUKKER
We had to take matters into our own hands!
GOODY GOOD
They’re trying to form a union, Ms. Rapnoodle!
MAUD ROCKER
And why not? No one else is representing our interests to the chief factotum!
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
Project Universe is behind schedule. We’re not going to get it done by squabbling.
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
Your workers are a disgrace to the project, Bunty.
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
They’ve just gotten a little carried away.
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
(taking BUNTY aside)
Remember that little rendezvous with Chuck Toppit I said I’d arrange?
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
How could I forget!
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
It’s not going to happen until you get this mob under control!
(GINGER exits.)
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
(trying to come up with some sort of solution)
Why don’t you all go for lunch, and come back here later for the big meeting.
MILLIE TENT
What if we don’t want to go to the “big meeting”?
BABETTE LINEBUKKER
What if we just go away and don’t come back?
MAUD ROCKER
It’ll be your fault, Bunty Rapnoodle, for not taking care of us properly!
TILLY WERKIT
But Ms. Rapnoodle’s always been nice to us!
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
Thank you Tilly. I try.
MILLIE TENT
When she’s with us, which is hardly ever!
HUGO BROADBACK
She gives me candies when I do a good job.
BABETTE LINEBUKKER
(to HUGO)
How can you sell yourself so cheaply?
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
Those candies are made from the finest Belgian chocolate, even though it hasn’t been invented yet.
GOODY GOOD
She let’s us have naps when we’re tired.
MAUD ROCKER
And we’re always tired because we have to work so damned hard!
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
Look, as your foreman, I promise I’ll make everything better. Just go have some soup, and come back later, all right?
MILLIE TENT
All right. But you better be as good as your word, Bunty Rapnoodle, or we’ll shut this project down for good!
(MILLIE, BABETTE, and MAUDE exit.)
TILLIE WERKIT
Don’t worry, Ms. Rapnoodle.
GOODY GOOD
Everything will be fine in the end.
HUGO BROADBACK
The Supreme Being won’t let the project fail, Ms. Rapnoodle.
(TILLIE, GOODY, and HUGO exit.)
Heaven by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 9:
(BUNTY stands alone and forlorn on the stage.)
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
If only Chuck was here to comfort me!
(CHUCK TOPPIT enters.)
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
Chuck! I mean, “Mr. Toppit”.
CHUCK TOPPIT
What’s the matter Bunty? You look upset.
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
Oh, it’s nothing, Mr. Toppit. Really, it’s nothing! How are you?
CHUCK TOPPIT
I’m feeling a bit low, to tell the truth. I’ve seen better times than this, Bunty.
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
(approaching him tentatively)
Oh, Mr. Toppit, if only there was something I could do to help you feel better!
CHUCK TOPPIT
How do you mend a broken heart, Bunty?
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
I don’t know.
(moving closer and looking into his eyes with adoration.)
But I could try.
CHUCK TOPPIT
(as if seeing her for the first time)
Why Ms. Rapnoodle, Bunty, you’re really quite lovely!
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
I am?
CHUCK TOPPIT
I feel as though you’re here to give me something.
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
Oh, Mr. Toppit, please let me give you something!
CHUCK TOPPIT
Let’s start by giving me my first name. Call me Chuck.
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
Chuck!
CHUCK TOPPIT
How does that feel?
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
Heavenly!
(saying his name, each time differently)
Chuck! Chuck. Chuck. Chuck.
CHUCK TOPPIT
(taking her hands)
Careful. Don’t wear it out.
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
(breaking away)
Chuck, what about Ms. Trumper?
CHUCK TOPPIT
What about her?
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
You’re sort of…taken.
CHUCK TOPPIT
No one takes me unless I want them to.
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
(taking a huge risk)
Do…do you want me to…to take you?
CHUCK TOPPIT
Yes, Bunty, I think I do.
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
(rushing to him and embracing him)
Oh, Chuck!
(NODDY TRUMPER enters.)
NODDY TRUMPER
So, this is what you do behind my back, Chuck?
CHUCK TOPPIT
(as he and BUNTY spring apart)
Noddy! I can explain!
NODDY TRUMPER
Then explain, lover boy.
CHUCK TOPPIT
Ms. Rapnoodle was feeling bad, so I gave her a hug to comfort her.
NODDY TRUMPER
Is that true, Ms. Rapnoodle?
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
(ignoring NODDY)
Is that all you’re going to say about it, Chuck?
NODDY TRUMPER
So it’s “Chuck”, not “Mr. Toppit”?
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
(still ignoring NODDY)
You were just giving me a hug?
CHUCK TOPPIT
Just a hug, Ms. Rapnoodle, to help you feel better.
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
(broken-hearted)
Oh, Chuck!
(BUNTY flees offstage, sobbing.)
NODDY TRUMPER
Well, wasn’t that dramatic. You two-timing bastard!
CHUCK TOPPIT
Please, Noddy, I didn’t mean to hurt you!
NODDY TRUMPER
(playing it up for all it’s worth)
You’re always saying that! But you hurt me anyway, over and over!
CHUCK TOPPIT
(with self-loathing)
Someone should shoot me.
NODDY TRUMPER
(becoming coy)
If you could give her a hug, Chuck, I’m sure you could give me one too.
CHUCK TOPPIT
You mean you’d let me hug you after what you saw?
NODDY TRUMPER
Come here, you big lug.
(CHUCK goes to her, and they embrace.)
CHUCK TOPPIT
You smell so good.
NODDY TRUMPER
Is that all you can ever think to say to me?
CHUCK TOPPIT
You’re intoxicating.
NODDY TRUMPER
Don’t stop!
CHUCK TOPPIT
I…I want you, Noddy!
NODDY TRUMPER
(pushing him away gently but firmly)
You’ve hurt me in a big way, Chuck.
CHUCK TOPPIT
What can I do to make it up to you?
NODDY TRUMPER
You know what you can do.
CHUCK TOPPIT
You want me to be mean to the workers?
NODDY TRUMPER
Yes. It’s the least you can do after what you did to me.
CHUCK TOPPIT
If I’m mean to them, you’ll forgive me for hugging Ms. Rapnoodle?
NODDY TRUMPER
I’ll do a heck of a lot more than forgive you, my lad.
CHUCK TOPPIT
(against his better judgment, but maddened with lust)
Then I’ll do it! I’ll be mean and ruthless and vicious! Those workers won’t know what hit them!
NODDY TRUMPER
Good boy. Now come with mama. I’m going to tell you exactly what I want you to do.
(They exit.)
Heaven by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 10:
(LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE enters with GUNTHER NEZBRUN and JACK BRUNEZ.)
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
That injection of liquid fire has helped me see clearly.
GUNTHER NEZBRUN
(holding up his burned digits)
My fingers! My poor, poor fingers!
JACK BRUNEZ
Stop complaining. Your fingers are cooked to perfection.
GUNTHER NEZBRUN
What good is that?
JACK BRUNEZ
If you ever get hungry, you can eat them for a snack.
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
I’m not so worried about that Devil-slime anymore.
JACK BRUNEZ
Why, Ms. Brushfire?
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
Noddy Trumper seems to have everything under control.
GUNTHER NEZBRUN
Maybe she’s smarter than you.
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
No!
(seizing GUNTHER by the throat)
Don’t ever suggest that anyone is smarter than me, Gunther!
GUNTHER NEZBRUN
(buckling to his knees)
Urgggggggg! Urgggggggggg!
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
(throwing GUNTHER aside)
That’s better. Jack, my fingernails are a tad long.
JACK BRUNEZ
But ever so beautiful, Ms. Brushfire.
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
Nonetheless, I want you to trim them with a cutting torch.
JACK BRUNEZ
Can I practice on Gunther’s toes first, Ms. Brushfire?
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
Of course.
GUNTHER NEZBRUN
Poor Gunther.
(They exit. DIOSA OVERLORD enters.)
DIOSA OVERLORD
Shadow and darkness,
Brilliance and light,
To live is to love,
To live is to fight.
Evil can blind us;
But goodness gives sight
And shows what is wrong
And shows what is right.
The Universe grows
From chaos and night
In all of its glory
In all of its might
Into the chaos
You all must descend,
But you are my children
And must rise again.
(DIOSA OVERLORD exits.)
Heaven by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 1:
(CONNIE TENDERFOOT enters with BIDDY CRACKDOWN.)
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Connie, I think Noddy Trumper wants you to abandon your speech to the workers.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Abandon my speech?
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
I think she’s glad you got upset when I called you a dumb gusher.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Why would she be glad, Ms. Crackdown?
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
I’m not sure. It doesn’t make any sense.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Ms. Crackdown, you think I’m thick as a brick, but there’s something you should know.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Yes?
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Lucinda Brushfire is here somewhere.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
If that’s a joke, it’s not funny.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
I wish it was a joke, but it isn’t.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
How do you know she’s here?
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
I just know.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
And I’m supposed to accept that as evidence?
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Please trust me. She’s here.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Sorry, but it’s just not possible. Ms. Overlord would never allow it.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
What if Ms. Overlord wanted her here?
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
That’s absurd. Why would Ms. Overlord jeopardize her plans for the Universe by allowing Lucinda Brushfire anywhere near this place?
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Ms. Overlord is the Supreme Being. Her ways are a mystery to us.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
She may be mysterious, but she’s not crazy.
(BUNTY RAPNOODLE enters.)
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
Ms. Crackdown, I’m a mess!
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Why, whatever do you mean, Ms. Rapnoodle?
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
(throwing herself down infront of BIDDY)
I’m supposed to be motivating my workers, but I’ve fallen in love with Chuck Toppit and he’s rejected me and I just want to die!
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
(taking BUNTY by the hands and encouraging her to stand)
Bunty, Bunty, don’t you see? Chuck Toppit hasn’t rejected you! He’s just mixed up, Bunty! If you really love him, you’ll just have to be patient and wait for him to come to his senses!
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
How long will I have to wait?
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Not long, in the grand scheme of things.
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
The grand scheme of things is awfully vast.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
So is love.
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
Thank you, Ms. Tenderfoot. I feel a lot better.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Now go and get your workers and bring them here for the meeting.
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
Yes. I must fetch them without delay.
(BUNTY exits.)
Heaven by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 2:
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
That was smooth. You’re pretty good at what you do.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Pretty good?
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
All right. You’re more than pretty good.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Careful, you’re starting to gush!
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
I’m beginning to see that you’re a lot brighter than I thought.
(WIDGET FIXMORE, HAROLD MOPPANGO, and BOBBI DABBIT enter.)
WIDGET FIXMORE
Ms. Crackdown, we’ve got to see Ms. Overlord right away.
HAROLD MOPPANGO
It’s an emergency.
BOBBI DABBIT
We’ve got a major problem on our hands.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Why didn’t you go to Noddy Trumper and Chuck Toppit?
WIDGET FIXMORE
Frankly, Ms. Crackdown, we don’t trust Noddy Trumper.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Why not?
WIDGET FIXMORE
She didn’t want us to fix the star-maker machine for some reason.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Because the star-maker machine is capable of operating in reverse.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
It is?
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
As well as creating stars and spewing them into space, it can summon objects from the parallel Universe called Hell.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
How do you know?
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
I just know.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Is Ms. Tenderfoot right, Ms. Fixmore? Can the star-maker summon objects from Hell?
WIDGET FIXMORE
Theoretically, I suppose it could.
HAROLD MOPPANGO
The star-maker is a mysterious device, like the Supreme Being herself.
BOBBI DABBIT
We know how to run it to make stars, but we don’t know how it works or what else it can do.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Then Lucinda Brushfire could be here.
WIDGET FIXMORE
Not “could be”, Ms. Crackdown. She is here!
HAROLD MOPPANGO
We found slime in the star-maker.
BOBBI DABBIT
We did an analysis. It’s Devil-slime.
WIDGET FIXMORE
Lucinda Brushfire must have forgotten to clean it up.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
More likely her nasty little henchmen Gunther Nezbrun and Jack Brunez forgot to clean it up.
HAROLD MOPPANGO
Do you think they’re here too?
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Wherever she goes, they go.
BOBBI DABBIT
Everything’s ruined! Project Universe is doomed!
WIDGET FIXMORE
We’ve got to tell Ms. Overlord.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
No. Ms. Overlord must already know. She’s omnipotent, remember? She must want us to solve the problem ourselves.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
I’ll bet she’s putting our Free Wills to the test.
HAROLD MOPPANGO
Why does she always do that? Thinking gives me a headache!
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Free Will is her biggest and most important gift to us. She wants us to learn how to use it with skill and wisdom.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
That’s easier said than done.
Heaven by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 3:
(GINGER MORNINGSTAR enters.)
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
Ms. Crackdown, I’m worried about Noddy Trumper and Bunty Rapnoodle.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
We all are, Ginger.
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
Then you know that Bunty’s in love with Chuck Tippet and Noddy Trumper seems to be encouraging it?
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
We know that and a lot more, too.
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
And I suppose it’s all bad news?
WIDGET FIXMORE
Lucinda Brushfire’s here. She’s got to be responsible for all this chaos.
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
Lucinda Brushfire? Are you sure?
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
We’re sure.
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
We’re in big trouble.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Uh huh.
(LULU WANNACOT, PERKY NOVINA, and KITTY YUGOSLAVIA enter.)
LULU WANNACOT
We’re here for the meeting, but before it starts, we’ve got something to tell you, Ms. Crackdown.
KITTY YUGOSLAVIA
We think that the Supreme Being might not be supreme.
PERKY NOVINA
We think there might be someone else who’s more powerful.
LULU WANNACOT
Someone who wants Project Universe to fail in some way.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Well, it’s getting pretty clear that there are those who want it to fail, but they’re not more supreme than the Supreme Being.
LULU WANNACOT
Who are they?
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Lucinda Brushfire, Gunther Nezbrun, Jack Brunez and…and…
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Let’s just say it loud and proud: Noddy Trumper.
KITTY YUGOSLAVIA
Ms. Trumper? But she’s one of the supervisors!
PERKY NOVINA
Ms. Overlord trusts her completely.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Yes. Ms. Overlord trusts Noddy Trumper completely.
WIDGET FIXMORE
But if Noddy Trumper is a traitor, Ms. Overlord would know.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Of course she knows. But Ms. Overlord lets us use our Free Wills any way we choose.
(MADGE EYE, JOHNNY SKOOKUM, ERNEST BONMOT, and OLGA RUSSELBUCK enter.)
MADGE EYE
Ms. Crackdown, we were up in the observatory looking out at the vacuum while we cuddled.
JOHNNY SKOOKUM
And it was very nice and everything, but we got to feeling guilty.
ERNEST BONMOT
So we disentangled our limbs and came down here.
OLGA RUSSELBUCK
We want to tell you that strange things are going on.
MADGE EYE
Ms. Overlord told us to stop trying to sell stars and planets and asteroids and comets.
JOHNNY SKOOKUM
She told us to relax and love one another instead.
ERNEST BONMOT
And then Noddy Trumper came along.
OLGA RUSSELBUCK
And when we told her what Ms. Overlord wanted us to do, she got all uncomfortable and tense and ran off.
MADGE EYE
What’s going on, Ms. Crackdown?
JOHNNY SKOOKUM
We trust you to tell us the truth.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Lucinda Brushfire is here, and Noddy Trumper has betrayed us all.
ERNEST BONMOT
You’re joking!
OLGA RUSSELBUCK
How could that be?
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
It’s what Ms. Overlord wants. And when Ms. Overlord wants something, it always happens.
Heaven by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 4:
(BUNTY RAPNOODLE enters.)
BUNTY RAPNOODLE
I had a heck of a time getting the workers to come here. I practically had to drag them down. But here they are!
(The WORKERS enter.)
MILLIE TENT
We’re here for the meeting, but we’re not going to take any crap from anyone.
TILLY WERKIT
Please don’t be angry at us.
BABETTE LINEBUKKER
Shut up, Tilly.
(to the others)
Now, we’ve decided to co-operate for the time being, but you better not try to exploit us, or we’re out of here!
HUGO BROADBACK
She doesn’t really mean to sound so angry.
MAUD ROCKER
Yes she does! And I’m angry too. So watch yourselves.
GOODY GOOD
As you can tell, we workers are a bit confused at the moment.
MILLIE TENT
We’re not confused! Everything is clear and simple!
MAUD ROCKER
We want to control our own destinies!
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
Then you had better be prepared to fight Lucinda Brushfire.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
She wants to place you under her control now and forever.
BABETTE LINEBUKKER
Lucinda Brushfire! She’s here?
LULU WANNACOT
With her henchmen Gunther and Jack.
WIDGET FIXMORE
And Noddy Trumper is on her side.
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
And you thought I was the enemy!
MILLIE TENT
Well, if Lucinda Brushfire wants a fight, we’ll give it to her.
JOHNNY SKOOKUM
Our little cuddle session in the observatory seems like such a long time ago.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Soon, Noddy Trumper and Chuck Toppit will be here. Then each of us must do what we think is best.
BIDDY CRACKDOWN
We must use our Free Wills to overcome the evil.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
It’s what Ms. Overlord wants. It’s part of the plan. Project Universe is approaching it’s most delicate moment.
PERKY NOVINA
Golly.
KITTY YUGOSLAVIA
Golly? Is that all you can say?
PERKY NOVINA
It’s such a nice word. It makes me feel better.
Heaven by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 5:
(NODDY TRUMPER enters with CHUCK TOPPIT. Everyone makes way so they can take the upstage centre position.)
NODDY TRUMPER
Well, the meeting can begin. Mr. Toppit?
CHUCK TOPPIT
First, I must address the workers. From now on, you will work double shifts and receive only half as much food.
(There is no response from the WORKERS.)
NODDY TRUMPER
Do any of you workers have something to say about that? Speak up!
(There is nothing but silence.)
NODDY TRUMPER
Very well. Mr. Toppit, continue.
CHUCK TOPPIT
Each worker must produce three times as much per shift or be punished by being placed in solitary confinement.
(Still no response.)
NODDY TRUMPER
Surely you workers have something to say now.
MILLIE TENT
We will do whatever it takes to ensure that Project Universe succeeds!
(The WORKERS cheer.)
NODDY TRUMPER
Mr. Toppit, please continue.
CHUCK TOPPIT
(disgusted with himself)
No.
NODDY TRUMPER
(aside)
Chuck, you are a man of your word, and your promised me you’d do what I asked.
CHUCK TOPPIT
Then I must dishonour myself by breaking my word.
NODDY TRUMPER
(to the WORKERS)
I can no longer continue this charade! Everything Mr. Toppit said to you is an official order from Ms. Overlord! Workers, rise up and overthrow her! She is the cause of all your unhappiness!
(The WORKERS are silent.)
NODDY TRUMPER
Don’t you understand? You must tear her down! You need a new leader, someone who will reward your labour!
MAUD ROCKER
Someone like Lucinda Brushfire?
NODDY TRUMPER
How dare you say that name out loud at this sacred meeting?
GINGER MORNINGSTAR
We dare because you are in her power, traitor!
(The WORKERS surge forward, and pull NODDY TRUMPER downstage, surrounding her and destroying her while the others, except Connie Tenderfoot and the disgraced Chuck Toppit, cheer. Then everyone moves away from her body, in a sombre tableau.)
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
She is coming.
(There is a moment of silence, and then LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE enters with GUNTHER NEZBRUN and JACK BRUNEZ. She goes to the fallen body of NODDY TRUMPER and touches her. NODDY gets up and stands there without any sign of sentience.)
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
I came here to conquer. But I cannot defeat you unless you defeat yourselves. Now I must return to that other place in which all who I conquer must inevitably live, and I have only one soul to take with me: this woman who allowed me to enslave her long ago.
GUNTHER NEZBRUN
What about me?
JACK BRUNEZ
And me?
GUNTHER NEZBRUN
We’re souls too.
JACK BRUNEZ
And we’re going with you.
LUCINDA BRUSHFIRE
You’re not souls. You’re a part of me like two planets that circle a star, and I have no soul, so neither do you.
(DIOSA OVERLORD enters with a large piece of black cloth. LUCINDA, GUNTHER, JACK, and NODDY lie down. DIOSA covers them carefully with the black fabric.)
DIOSA OVERLORD
(indicating the fabric)
Look upon this darkness. From here it will spread into the new Universe that begins at this moment. Wherever there is light, there will be dark. Wherever there is brightness, there will be shadow. This is the unalterable law, for now and forever.
REST OF CAST
(except LUCINDA, GUNTHER, and NODDY)
This is the unalterable law, for now and forever.
CONNIE TENDERFOOT
Why did you let us destroy Noddy Trumper, Diosa Overlord?
DIOSA OVERLORD
You are cursed and blessed with Free Will. You can use it to hurt or to heal. The choice is always yours, and that is my gift to you.
(NODDY, LUCINDA, and GUNTHER rise and face the audience.)
FULL CAST
We are cursed and blessed with Free Will. We can use it to hurt or to heal. The choice is always ours, and ours alone.
ND OF PLAY.