Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2005
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 40 minutes
• style: domestic comedy
• suitable for general audiences
• 22 characters (19 female, 3 male)
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Guspeeda Gong” is set in a rooming house in the late 1940’s, and features a variety of characters who exhibit lonely good humour and existential anxiety as they await the gong that summons them to dinner.
(This play was first performed on January 19, 20, 21, 24, & 25, in the year 2005, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
∗Published Online by Good School Plays, February 25, 2018..
Go to:
Act One, Scene 1
Act One, Scene 2
Act One, Scene 3
Act One, Scene 4
Act One, Scene 5
Act One, Scene 6
Act One, Scene 7
Act Two, Scene 1
Act Two, Scene 2
Act Two, Scene 3
Act Two, Scene 4
Act Two, Scene 5
CHARACTERS:
MRS. EDITH GUSPEEDER, 56, owner of Guspeeda’s Guest House
GRANNY THORPE, 82, MRS. GUSPEEDA’s ancient mother-in-law
MANDY GUSPEEDA, 10, MRS. GUSPEEDA’s grandchild
ROSEMARY ENTWHISTLE, 45, MRS. GUSPEEDA’s housekeeper
CLEO MIRONESCU, 39, MRS. GUSPEEDA’s cook
VAUGHN CALYPSO, 34, failed novelist
NELLY BRIGHTON, aspiring actress
VICTORIA BEARD, 27, a folksinger
MISSY HOFFMEYER, 36, a poet
VERONICA PASSIONATA, 24, a dancer
TRUDY POPPY, 23, a dancer
LIBBY TORNADO, 25, a human cannonball
TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK, 60, retired school teacher
BATHSHEBA KELLOGG, 52, retired librarian
COLLEEN MUSKET, 63, retired secretary
RUDI SCHULTZ, 37,a vacuum cleaner salesman
FELICITY BALOGNA, 66, a retired handywoman
JACK McCORKINGDALE, 22, a grocery store clerk
MRS. BETTY COMSTOCK, 54, an embalmer
BILLI JELLINEK, 24, a nurse
JULIE JUPITER, 30, waitress at the Hot Rooster Diner
ANASTASIA JUPITER, 28, a waitress at the Hot Rooster Diner
SETTING: The parlour of MRS. GUSPEEDA’s guest house. GRANNY THORPE, possibly in a wheel chair, is always on stage, a belligerent observer of all that goes on.
Guspeeda Gong by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 1:
(MRS. GUSPEEDA is meeting with MRS. ENTWHISTLE and CLEO MIRONESCU.)
MRS. ENTWHISTLE
Mrs. Guspeeder, I miss the days when this guest house was for women only.
MRS. GUSPEEDA
Why is that, dear Mrs. Entwhistle?
MRS. ENTWHISTLE
Ever since you let men rent rooms here, things get dirty twice as fast, especially the bathrooms.
MRS. GUSPEEDA
I’m sorry, Mrs. Entwhistle, but I can’t afford to keep this big old house running unless I stuff it with guests of both sexes. What’s on the menu tonight, Cleo?
CLEO MIRONESCU
I’m cooking “ciorba de potroace” tonight, Mrs. Guspeeda.
MRS. GUSPEEDA
Translate, please.
CLEO MIRONESCU
Turkey soup.
MRS. GUSPEEDA
Good. Inexpensive and filling.
CLEO MIRONESCU
Lots of vegetables, not much meat.
MRS. GUSPEEDA
That’s the way to do it, Cleo. How are you this evening, Granny Thorpe?
GRANNY THORPE
Eh?
MRS. GUSPEEDA
(louder)
How are you tonight?
GRANNY THORPE
Bad and getting worse, Edith. Bad and getting worse.
MRS. GUSPEEDA
Is there anything we can get you?
GRANNY THORPE
Eh?
MRS. GUSPEEDA
(louder)
Is there anything we can get you?
GRANNY THORPE
A bottle of scotch.
MRS. GUSPEEDA
You know you’re not allowed to drink.
GRANNY THORPE
Stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. I’m old enough to drink anything I damn well want.
MRS. ENTWHISTLE
She’s been cranky all day.
CLEO MIRONESCU
She wouldn’t eat her lunch. And it was clam chowder, her favourite.
MRS. GUSPEEDA
Manhattan or New England?
CLEO MIRONESCU
Pardon?
MRS. ENTWHISTLE
The clam chowder: white or red?
CLEO MIRONESCU
Sort of light brown.
MRS. GUSPEEDA
She likes Manhattan. The red stuff.
GRANNY THORPE
I’m old enough to drink anything I damn well want.
(MANDY GUSPEEDA enters.)
MANDY GUSPEEDA
Nana, Great Granny Thorpe smoked a cigarette today.
MRS. GUSPEEDA
A cigarette? Don’t be silly, Mandy. Where would she get a cigarette?
MANDY GUSPEEDA
Mrs. Entwhistle gave it to her.
MRS. ENTWHISTLE
Did I, Mandy?
MANDY GUSPEEDA
Yes you did. It spoiled Great Granny’s appetite, remember? That’s why she wouldn’t eat her soup.
CLEO MIRONESCU
Mrs. Entwhistle, you spoil the old woman.
MRS. ENTWHISTLE
I feel sorry for her, sitting there all day like that.
MRS. GUSPEEDA
Nurse Jellinek gave strict orders that Granny Thorpe is not to smoke or drink.
MRS. ENTWHISTLE
I’m sorry, Mrs. Guspeeda. It won’t happen again.
MRS. GUSPEEDA
Whatever next.
MANDY GUSPEEDA
Granny, Cleo dropped turkey meat on the floor, then put it in the cooking pot without washing it.
CLEO MIRONESCU
You little tattle-tale.
MRS. GUSPEEDA
Cleo’s a very busy woman, Mandy. She doesn’t have time to fuss with bits of dirty meat. The heat will kill any germs on the turkey. Now go get washed up for supper.
MANDY GUSPEEDA
Yes, Nana. I hate you, Cleo.
(MANDY runs to GRANNY THORPE, gives her a quick hug, and exits.)
MRS. GUSPEEDA
I’m sorry, Cleo. She can be a bit difficult.
CLEO MIRONESCU
Perhaps she is only joking with me. Now I must pour my heart into the “ciorba de potroace”.
(CLEO exits.)
MRS. ENTWHISTLE
She misses the old country.
MRS. GUSPEEDA
Isn’t it time to set the table?
MRS. ENTWHISTLE
Yes, yes, of course .
(MRS. ENTWHISTLE exits.)
MRS. GUSPEEDA
Everyone will be here soon. I’d best put on my makeup.
(MRS. GUSPEEDA exits.)
Guspeeda Gong by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 2:
(VICTORIA BEARD enters with her guitar.)
VICTORIA BEARD
Hello, Mrs. Thorpe. How are you this evening?
GRANNY THORPE
Eh?
VICTORIA BEARD
(louder)
How are you?
GRANNY THORPE
Bad. You got a cigarette?
VICTORIA BEARD
Sorry, Mrs. Thorpe, I don’t smoke.
(MISSY HOFFMEYER enters.)
VICTORIA BEARD
Hello, Missy. Any luck getting your poems published today?
MISSY HOFFMEYER
No, Victoria. It’s hopeless. Perhaps I should take that hair-stylist course.
VICTORIA BEARD
Don’t do that. You’re my inspiration.
MISSY HOFFMEYER
Careful. There’s a fine line between irony and sarcasm.
VICTORIA BEARD
I’ve got a right to be sarcastic. I wasted half the day working on a song that is, to put it bluntly, sophomoric.
MISSY HOFFMEYER
“Sophomoric”! What a vicious little adjective, Victoria.
VICTORIA BEARD
Yes, and an entirely appropriate description of a frustrated little noun like me.
MISSY HOFFMEYER
That’s original, Victoria, labeling yourself as a noun.
VICTORIA BEARD
I’m a noun, you’re a noun, we’re all nouns.
MISSY HOFFMEYER
I’d rather be a verb. Verbs do things. Nouns just sit around.
GRANNY THORPE
(to no one in particular)
I sure could use a smoke. Anyone got a cigarette?
MISSY HOFFMEYER
Like Mrs. Thorpe over there. She’s definitely a noun, poor soul.
VICTORIA BEARD
I’ve got a gig tomorrow.
MISSY HOFFMEYER
Lucky you.
VICTORIA BEARD
At an auto dealer.
MISSY HOFFMEYER
Singing songs about Chevies?
VICTORIA BEARD
Fords.
MISSY HOFFMEYER
Fords. Chevies. Nouns that scoot around on the ground!
VICTORIA BEARD
Have you given any more thought to working with me?
MISSY HOFFMEYER
Sorry, Victoria, but I can’t write lyrics for your songs.
VICTORIA BEARD
Why not?
MISSY HOFFMEYER
My poetry’s not meant to be sung.
VICTORIA BEARD
Worried about my music polluting the purity of your words?
MISSY HOFFMEYER
Frankly, yes.
VICTORIA BEARD
All right, turn me down. Go ahead and become one of those starving poets who dies from alcohol poisoning in a cheap hotel on skid row.
MISSY HOFFMEYER
Nothing you can say will change my mind. I work alone. Mixing my poetry with your music would be bad for both of us.
(VAUGHAN CALYPSO enters.)
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
Ah, two of my favourite people: the poet and the musician.
VICTORIA BEARD
You look pleased with yourself, Mr. Calypso.
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
For goodness sakes, Victoria, no need to be so formal. Call me “Vaughan”.
MISSY HOFFMEYER
Is “Vaughan Calypso” your pen name or your real name?
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
That’s a secret.
VICTORIA BEARD
If you ever get one of your novels published, the public will never believe your real name is “Vaughan Calypso”.
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
Don’t worry, I’ll never get a novel published.
MISSY HOFFMEYER
Victoria thinks I’m going to die of alcohol poisoning in a cheap hotel on skid row.
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
May I join you when you do?
VICTORIA BEARD
She’s much too selfish to share her sordid poetic death with anyone.
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
I take it she’s still refusing to write lyrics for your songs, Victoria?
MISSY HOFFMEYER
You two can gang up on me all you want. I won’t change my mind.
(NELLY BRIGHTON enters.)
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
Nelly, my dear, how did your audition go?
NELLY BRIGHTON
Brilliantly. I forgot my lines half way through, and the casting director said I looked too much like an angry duck to get the lead role.
VICTORIA BEARD
What’s the lead role?
NELLY BRIGHTON
A happy-go-lucky hamster.
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
If I were you, I’d stay away from children’s theatre altogether.
NELLY BRIGHTON
I’m not a star, Mr. Calypso. I can’t pick and choose.
MISSY HOFFMEYER
I was a penguin once, long ago.
VICTORIA BEARD
And now you’ve been reincarnated into a starving poet.
NELLY BRIGHTON
Speaking of which, when’s dinner?
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
Mrs. Guspeeda hasn’t sounded the gong yet.
NELLY BRIGHTON
I’m starving. No breakfast, no lunch.
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
Why not?
NELLY BRIGHTON
Diet. I’ve got to fit into a tiny leotard for my role as a munchkin.
MISSY HOFFMEYER
The Wizard of Oz?
NELLY BRIGHTON
No. A magazine ad for “Yellow Brick Butter”.
GRANNY THORPE
Anyone got the time?
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
Six o’clock, Mrs. Thorpe.
GRANNY THORPE
Eh?
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
(louder)
Six o’clock.
GRANNY THORPE
Eh?
CALYPSO, BRIGHTON, BEARD & HOFFMEYER
(altogether)
Six o’clock!
GRANNY THORPE
Six? Six? Then where’s my glass of sherry?
NELLY BRIGHTON
She’s not supposed to drink, poor dear.
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
(loudly)
Why don’t I get you a nice cup of hot milk, Mrs. Thorpe?
GRANNY THORPE
Don’t get smart with me, young man. I’m a grown woman, not a baby.
NELLY BRIGHTON
Let her be, Mr. Calypso. She’s always grumpy at dinner time.
(MANDY GUSPEEDA runs in and kicks MR. CALYPSO in the shin.)
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
Owww!
MANDY GUSPEEDA
Stupid old Mr. Calypso!
(MANDY runs offstage. MRS. GUSPEEDA enters.)
MRS. GUSPEEDA
I’m so sorry, Mr. Calypso. Mandy’s in a foul mood because dinner’s late. Miss Mironescu is having difficulty with the turkey.
NELLY BRIGHTON
Oh dear. And I’m so hungry.
MRS. GUSPEEDA
I beg your patience. Now excuse me, I must deal with Mandy.
(MRS. GUSPEEDA exits.)
VICTORIA BEARD
I suggest we all retire to our rooms until the gong sounds.
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
I second the motion.
(They all exit, except GRANNY THORPE.)
GRANNY THORPE
Leave me here to starve to death, then. What I wouldn’t give for a ciggy and a shot of bourbon.
Guspeeda Gong by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 3:
(VERONICA PASSIONATA, TRUDY POPPY, and LIBBY TORNADO enter, talking as they do so.)
VERONICA PASSIONATA
So we heard you got a job with the circus, Libby.
TRUDY POPPY
You’re the first one of us to get a job since we got out of dance school!
VERONICA PASSIONATA
Do tell us about it!
LIBBY TORNADO
It’s only temporary, while the circus is in town.
VERONICA PASSIONATA
At least it’s work. What exactly do they expect you to do?
TRUDY POPPY
Do they want you to perform a dance of some sort?
LIBBY TORNADO
I suppose you could call it a dance, but it’s really more like a giant leap.
VERONICA PASSIONATA
A giant leap? I know you’re a good dancer, Libby, but I didn’t know you could do giant leaps.
LIBBY TORNADO
Actually, I don’t have to do anything, Veronica. The machine does all the work.
TRUDY POPPY
What sort of machine?
LIBBY TORNADO
It’s a huge cannon, actually.
VERONICA PASSIONATA
Libby, don’t tell me! You’re going to be a human cannonball?
LIBBY TORNADO
Yes! I’m terribly excited.
TRUDY POPPY
A human cannonball! But, Libby, you have no experience!
LIBBY TORNADO
There’s not much to it, Trudy. They push me into the barrel of the cannon, and the next thing you know I’m flying through the air like a plump young pheasant.
VERONICA PASSIONATA
Come now, Libby, you’re not plump.
TRUDY POPPY
And you’re nothing like a pheasant. A sparrow, perhaps, but not a pheasant.
LIBBY TORNADO
But isn’t it exciting? There’s a net, of course.
VERONICA PASSIONATA
Of course, of course. There has to be a net.
TRUDY POPPY
I hope it’s a large one.
LIBBY TORNADO
It’s rather small, actually. But I’m determined to land in it!
VERONICA PASSIONATA
Libby, if something terrible happens to you, I’ll never forgive that circus.
TRUDY POPPY
They better be paying you lots of money.
LIBBY TORNADO
If I make it through the first three jumps, I get paid for the fourth and fifth.
VERONICA PASSIONATA
Well. Congratulations anyway, Libby.
LIBBY TORNADO
Thanks, Veronica. I can hardly believe it’s happening.
VERONICA PASSIONATA
All that hard training at dance school has finally paid off. Sort of.
LIBBY TORNADO
Yes, yes…
TRUDY POPPY
All that practice. Blood, sweat and tears.
VERONICA PASSIONATA
And now you’re going to be shot out of a cannon! Well, well. I don’t quite know what to say.
LIBBY TORNADO
(breaking down completely)
Oh, Ronnie, what have I done?
TRUDY POPPY
There, There, Libby. You can still get out of it.
LIBBY TORNADO
I signed a contract, Trudy! A contract!
VERONICA PASSIONATA
I told you to get an agent.
GRANNY THORPE
What are you all shouting about? Where’s my glass of sherry?
TRUDY POPPY
Please, Mrs. Thorpe. Libby’s rather upset.
MRS. THORPE
What’s she got to be upset about? She’s young and beautiful.
VERONICA PASSIONATA
If only it were that simple, Mrs. Thorpe.
GRANNY THORPE
Young people! Always making a fuss about nothing!
LIBBY TORNADO
Oh, oh, oh!
(LIBBY rushes off, sobbing.)
TRUDY POPPY
Libby! Libby! Oh, for heaven’s sake, Mrs. Thorpe, why can’t you think before you speak?
VERONICA PASSIONATA
Come on, Trudy. We’ve got to help her pull herself together.
(TRUDY and VERONICA exit.)
Guspeeda Gong by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 4:
(MRS. ENTWHISTLE enters with CLEO MIRONESCU.)
CLEO MIRONESCU
Mrs. Thorpe, dinner will be a little late.
GRANNY THORPE
Eh?
MRS. ENTWHISTLE
Dinner, Mrs. Thorpe. It’s late.
GRANNY THORPE
Doesn’t anyone speak English anymore? What the hell’s wrong with this country?
CLEO MIRONESCU
(to MRS. ENTWHISTLE)
Do you think she’d like a bun, Mrs. Entwhistle?
MRS. ENTWHISTLE
I doubt it. She might eat a bit of turkey meat.
CLEO MIRONESCU
(to GRANNY THORPE)
Do you want some turkey, Mrs. Thorpe?
GRANNY THORPE
Turkey? Turkey? Who are you calling a turkey?
MRS. ENTWHISTLE
It’s no use, Cleo. We’ll just have to let her wait like everyone else.
(They exit. MANDY runs in, looks around, and hands GRANNY THORPE a cigarette.)
GRANNY THORPE
Thank you, my dear. You’re an angel.
(MANDY hugs her and runs off. GRANNY THORPE hides the cigarette as the next characters enter.)
Guspeeda Gong by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 5:
(TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK, BATHSHEBA KELLOGG, and COLLEEN MUSKET enter. They’ve been playing poker.)
BATHSHEBA KELLOGG
Thanks for the poker game, girls. I enjoy playing cards every so often. You owe me seven dollars, Tabatha, and I believe you owe me four, Colleen.
TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK
How does a retired librarian become such a good poker player, Bathsheba?
BATHSHEBA KELLOGG
Reading, of course. I’ve always loved a good book, fiction or non-fiction.
COLLEEN MUSKET
I shall have to give you an I.O.U. for the four dollars, Bathsheba. I gave the last of my pension to Mrs. Guspeeda for this month’s rent.
TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK
You certainly won’t get seven dollars out of me, Bathsheba. I owe twice that much to Mr. Calypso.
BATHSHEBA KELLOGG
Did you lose a bet to him, Tabatha?
TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK
No, no. I had him style my hair. He’s wonderful with his hands.
COLLEEN MUSKET
I don’t know how you could let that man touch your head, Tabatha.
TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK
Oh, he’s not a bad sort really. Just a bit lonely. And an old girl like me, well, I like to do a little flirting now and then.
BATHSHEBA KELLOGG
Strange that a woman who enjoys men so much never married.
TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK
Not strange at all. By staying single, I could flirt as much as I wanted.
COLLEEN MUSKET
I don’t think a school teacher should flirt. It sets a bad example.
TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK
Well, I’m retired now, so it doesn’t matter anymore, does it.
BATHSHEBA KELLOGG
My late husband used to say, “Folks who flirt are in love with dirt,” then give me a wink and a bit of a tickle, and I’d tickle him right back!
COLLEEN MUSKET
Bathsheba, really. Must you say such suggestive things?
BATHSHEBA KELLOGG
Yes, I must, Colleen, if only to see you become angry instead of being so flat and dull all the time.
COLLEEN MUSKET
I can’t help being boring. I’m a retired secretary.
TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK
A school teacher, a librarian, and a secretary. Three old maids who waste away their remaining days in this old guest house.
BATHSHEBA KELLOGG
Speak for yourself, Tabatha Hucklebuck. I’m having a good time even if you’re not.
GRANNY THORPE
When in the name of Moses are we going to eat?
TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK
They’re having trouble with the turkey, Mrs. Thorpe!
GRANNY THORPE
Eh?
BATHSHEBA KELLOGG
The turkey! The turkey!
GRANNY THORPE
What about it?
COLLEEN MUSKET
There’s no point trying to communicate with her.
TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK
(going up to GRANNY THORPE and speaking clearly to her)
Don’t worry, Mrs. Thorpe. They’ll soon have dinner ready.
GRANNY THORPE
Worked hard all my life, and for what? To be parked here like a potted palm while my stomach gurgles.
BATHSHEBA KELLOGG
In just a few more years, the three of us will be sitting there just like her, so we’ve got to enjoy ourselves while we can.
GRANNY THORPE
What makes you think I’m not enjoying myself, you flat-footed old librarian?
COLLEEN MUSKET
She can be sharp enough when she wants to be.
(MRS. GUSPEEDA enters.)
MRS. GUSPEEDA
Ladies, ladies, I must apologize for the lateness of dinner.
TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK
Not at all, Mrs. Guspeeda. The longer I wait, the more my appetite grows, and a hearty appetite is necessary when the food is so plain.
BATHSHEBA KELLOGG
Good grief, Tabatha. If only you could hear yourself!
COLLEEN MUSKET
Mrs. Guspeeda does her best, Tabatha. This is a rooming house, not the Paris Ritz.
MRS. GUSPEEDA
No, no, I accept the criticism. Our food is plain but healthy, but I too crave chocolate eclairs and custard trifle from time to time.
TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK
Do you indeed? And do you crave men, too?
COLLEEN MUSKET
Tabatha!
TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK
I’m simply pointing out that older women like us should at least eat well. There’s little else for us to enjoy.
BATHSHEBA KELLOGG
Ignore her, Mrs. Guspeeda. She lost seven dollars playing poker, and she’s feeling particularly bitter.
(MANDY GUSPEEDA runs in.)
MANDY GUSPEEDA
Cleo threw the turkey meat at me! She hates me! She hates me!
(MANDY runs off.)
MRS. GUSPEEDA
Oh dear. Please excuse me. Dinner will be served as soon as possible.
TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK
I don’t see how dinner can be served if the turkey’s on the floor.
BATHSHEBA KELLOGG
To our rooms, ladies. We can freshen up before the evening meal.
(BATHSHEBA, TABATHA, and COLLEEN exit.)
Guspeeda Gong by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 6:
(RUDI SCHULTZ, FELICITY BALOGNA, and JACK McCORKINDALE enter.)
JACK McCORKINDALE
Any luck selling vacuum cleaners today, Mr. Schultz?
RUDI SCHULTZ
Not a single nibble, Jack, me lad.
FELICITY BALOGNA
Give it up, man. Become a preacher instead. Then you’ll always have a dollar in your pocket.
JACK McCORKINDALE
I’d like to have a go at selling vacuums.
RUDI SCHULTZ
No, no, Jack. It’s a hard life lugging that damned machine from door-to-door.
FELICITY BALOGNA
Stay with the supermarket, young Jack. Stay with the supermarket.
JACK McCORKINDALE
But I fear I’ll be a stock boy forever, Mrs. Balogna.
FELICITY BALOGNA
No shame in that, lad. No shame in that.
RUDI SCHULTZ
Selling vacuum cleaners can be a damned ugly business. Take today, for instance.
JACK McCORKINDALE
What happened, Mr. Schultz?
RUDI SCHULTZ
I was doing a vacuum demonstration at a house in the suburbs.
JACK McCORKINDALE
And?
RUDI SCHULTZ
I sucked a woman’s underpants into the vacuum cleaner.
JACK McCORKINDALE
Was she wearing them?
RUDI SCHULTZ
No, no, thank god.
FELICITY BALOGNA
Well? Tell us what happened, man!
RUDI SCHULTZ
The underpants were lying there on the carpet for some reason.
JACK McCORKINDALE
And?
RUDI SCHULTZ
I vacuumed them up by mistake.
FELICITY BALOGNA
That doesn’t sound like much of a problem.
RUDI SCHULTZ
Her husband came in just as the vacuum gobbled the panties.
JACK McCORKINDALE
Uh-oh.
RUDI SCHULTZ
She started screaming, “He’s stolen my underpants! He’s stolen my underpants!”
FELICITY BALOGNA
What did her husband do?
RUDI SCHULTZ
He threw me and the vacuum cleaner out on the sidewalk, slammed the door, and started yelling at his wife.
JACK McCORKINDALE
Gee willikers. Nothing like that ever happens to me.
FELICITY BALOGNA
What did you do with the underpants?
RUDI SCHULTZ
Took them out of the vacuum, put a rock in them, and threw them through the front window. I was angry, you see.
JACK McCORKINDALE
I bet they weren’t too pleased about that!
RUDI SCHULTZ
Don’t know. I flagged down a passing taxi and got the hell out of it.
FELICITY BALOGNA
It’s getting real tough to make a living out there.
RUDI SCHULTZ
You said it, Missus Balogna.
GRANNY THORPE
Any of you clowns got a bit of bacon on you?
JACK McCORKINDALE
What’s that, Mrs. Thorpe?
GRANNY THORPE
Bacon. You got any bacon? I could go for a nice bit of bacon.
FELICITY BALOGNA
Sorry, Mrs. Thorpe. Maybe Cleo could fix you some.
GRANNY THORPE
That so-called cook can’t even boil a turkey. Last thing I heard, she was throwing it around the kitchen.
RUDI SCHULTZ
What’s she talking about?
FELICITY BALOGNA
Who knows?
(NELLY BRIGHTON enters.)
NELLY BRIGHTON
Has anyone seen my toque? I think I left it in here.
JACK McCORKINDALE
No sign of it, Miss Brighton. How’d your audition go?
NELLY BRIGHTON
Oh, Jack, it was dreadful. Escort me to my room and I’ll tell you all about it.
JACK McCORKINDALE
What about Mr. Calypso?
NELLY BRIGHTON
What about him?
JACK McCORKINDALE
He might get a bit, you know, jealous.
NELLY BRIGHTON
I don’t give a hoot if he does. He’s a father-figure, not a boyfriend.
RUDI SCHULTZ
Jack, a word!
(taking Jack aside)
Don’t be going into her room, my boy. Mrs. Guspeeda will have you both evicted for lewd behaviour.
JACK McCORKINDALE
Right you are, Mr. Schultz. I’m sorry, Miss Brighton. Perhaps another time.
NELLY BRIGHTON
(disappointed)
Suit yourself, Jack.
(NELLY exits.)
FELICITY BALOGNA
I vote we go outside for a smoke before dinner.
RUDI SCHULTZ
Come on, Jack.
(The three men exit.)
GRANNY THORPE
Can’t smoke. Can’t drink. Can’t even chow down on a bit of bacon.
Guspeeda Gong by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 7:
(BILLI JELLINEK enters.)
BILLI JELLINEK
Mrs. Thorpe! How are you this evening?
GRANNY THORPE
Get away from me, you damned needle jockey.
BILLI JELLINEK
No need to be hostile, Mrs. Thorpe. I’m a trained nurse, here to help.
GRANNY THORPE
Go practice your witchcraft on someone else.
(BETTY COMSTOCK enters.)
BILLI JELLINEK
Mrs. Comstock! Working late again tonight?
BETTY COMSTOCK
You bet, Billi. Had to finish the job on old Mr. Hendershott.
BILLI JELLINEK
Is he the one who was crushed by the falling piano?
BETTY COMSTOCK
You bet. The thing fell four stories and squashed him like a bug.
BILLI JELLINEK
What a way to die!
BETTY COMSTOCK
At least it was quick.
BILLI JELLINEK
Is it to be an open-casket funeral?
BETTY COMSTOCK
Yessir. At first the family didn’t want to, but I talked them into it.
BILLI JELLINEK
Won’t he look a bit, um, squashed?
BETTY COMSTOCK
Not when I’m through with him. Embalming’s an art, Billi. When you get good at it, you can make a dead monkey look like Rudolph Valentino.
BILLI JELLINEK
Who?
BETTY COMSTOCK
Valentino, the silent movie star from the twenties? Oh, you young folks don’t know anything nowadays.
BILLI JELLINEK
I don’t have time for movies.
BETTY COMSTOCK
How d’you like your job down at the hospital?
BILLI JELLINEK
It’s all right, I guess.
BETTY COMSTOCK
You don’t sound very enthusiastic.
BILLI JELLINEK
I became a nurse to help people, but most of the time I’m just cleaning up vomit or dumping bedpans.
BETTY COMSTOCK
That’s helping. Can’t have the patients lying around in their vomit and urine.
BILLI JELLINEK
Mrs. Comstock, do you ever get depressed, working with dead people, I mean?
BETTY COMSTOCK
Heck no. The dead are easy to work with. They don’t talk back, and they’re as relaxed as they’re ever gonna get.
BILLI JELLINEK
I wish I knew how to relax. I’m so worried I’m going to fudge it somehow. You know, make a mistake.
BETTY COMSTOCK
Everyone makes mistakes, Billi. One time I sewed a man’s head on a woman’s body. You can bet there was hell to pay for that little error.
BILLI JELLINEK
Gee. How’d that happen?
BETTY COMSTOCK
A gas stove blew up in an apartment. Wasn’t much left of the two people who were in there at the time. I had to piece them together as best I could.
BILLI JELLINEK
Were they married?
BETTY COMSTOCK
Yep. I bet he never figured he’d end up with his head on his wife’s body.
BILLI JELLINEK
I wonder if people would still get married if they had to switch heads?
BETTY COMSTOCK
Good question, but one best left to the experts.
BILLI JELLINEK
Yeah.
GRANNY THORPE
You think I can’t hear you?
BILLI JELLINEK
Do you need something, Mrs. Thorpe?
GRANNY THORPE
Talking about heads and bodies. Disgusting.
(JULIE and ANASTASIA JUPITER enter.)
JULIE JUPITER
Jeeze, we’re awful late.
ANASTASIA JUPITER
Somethin’ weird happened down at the Hot Rooster Diner, so we couldn’t close at the usual time.
JULIE JUPITER
Did we miss supper?
BILLI JELLINEK
No, it’s late, too.
BETTY COMSTOCK
Why didn’t you two eat at the Hot Rooster?
ANASTASIA JUPITER
Because they charge us the same price as the customers.
JULIE JUPITER
We can’t afford to eat there.
BILLI JELLINEK
You both look exhausted.
ANASTASIA JUPITER
There was what you could call an “incident”.
JULIE JUPITER
A crazy, crazy incident.
BETTY COMSTOCK
At the Hot Rooster?
ANASTASIA JUPITER
Yeah. These two drunks come in.
JULIE JUPITER
They were shouting at everyone, calling them “meatheads”.
BILLI JELLINEK
“Meatheads”?
ANASTASIA JUPITER
Yeah. Meatheads.
JULIE JUPITER
Then one of them pulls out a roll of money and shouts, “We want two hundred hamburgers with double patties!”
ANASTASIA JUPITER
And the cooks says, “We don’t got that much meat, mister!”
JULIE JUPITER
So the other drunk pulls out a gun, points it at the cook, and says, “You got enough meat now, smart guy?”
ANASASIA JUPITER
So the cook says, “How do you want ‘em?”
JULIE JUPITER
And the drunk with the money says, “Rare, so the blood still runs out of ‘em”.
ANASTASIA JUPITER
The other customers was watchin’ with big eyes, and the drunk with the gun says, “What you all lookin’ at? Ain’t you never seen a couple of vegetarians before?”
JULIE JUPITER
And he shoots a bullet into the ceiling of the Hot Rooster, and the customers hit the deck, and this woman starts screaming about her baby or somethin’.
ANASTASIA JUPITER
And the cook calls me and Julie over to the big grill and gets us to help him flip the patties, and we start piling up the burgers on the counter.
JULIE JUPITER
And the two guys, they don’t eat them or nothin’. They just keep hollerin’ stuff like, “Keep ‘em coming!” and “Giddyap little dogies”, like a couple of cowboys.
ANASTASIA JUPITER
One of the customers, a fat guy, starts to blubber like a baby, and the drunk with gun starts yellin’, “Shuddup, Porky. We’re doin’ this fer you!”
JULIE JUPITER
And the pile of hamburgers is growin’, and finally the drunk with the money says, “That’s good enough. Here’s yer stinkin’ money!” and he slaps the roll down on the counter.
ANASTASIA JUPITER
Then the one with the gun says, “All right, you meat-eating sons-of-bitches, git up offa the floor and start eatin’!”
JULIE JUPITER
And they made the customers eat them burgers. Every one of them.
ANASTASIA JUPITER
And the customers started gettin’ sick. The fat guy puked, and the drunk with the gun says, “Think about them burgers ya just puked up the next time you order a steak, Porky!”
JULIE JUPITER
And then they started shouting something about vegetables bein’ the only thing we’re spozed ta eat and they took off out the door, hollerin’ like a pair of wildcats and disappeared inta the night.
BILLI JELLINEK
Goodness!
BETTY COMSTOCK
That’s quite a story. But I kind of know how those fellers feel, ‘cause I have to work around dead meat all the time.
(MRS. GUSPEEDA enters with MANDY GUSPEEDA.)
MRS. GUSPEEDA
Mrs. Comstock, Billi, Julie, Anastasia, dinner’s late again. I’m so sorry.
MANDY GUSPEEDA
They’re late, too, Granny. They don’t deserve any supper.
MRS. GUSPEEDA
Mandy, please try to be polite to our guests.
MANDY GUSPEEDA
Why? They ain’t polite to me.
MRS. GUSPEEDA
“Aren’t”, Mandy, “aren’t”, not “ain’t”. Goodness me child, how I wish your mother was still around to teach you some manners.
MANDY GUSPEEDA
(shouting with glee)
Mommy ran away with a fireman! Mommy ran away with a fireman!
(MANDY exits.)
GRANNY THORPE
That child is the only thing around here worth a good goddamn.
MRS. GUSPEEDA
Please, Granny Thorpe, be careful with your language!
GRANNY THORPE
I’ve heard you say a lot worse when you thought no one was listening.
BETTY COMSTOCK
She’s a tough old bird.
BILLI JELLINEK
I think I’ll have a hot bath before dinner.
BETTY COMSTOCK
I’m going to do some yoga, work out the kinks.
(BETTY and BILLI exit.)
ANASTASIA JUPITER
Come on, Julie, let’s go soak our dogs before supper.
JULIE JUPITER
They don’t make shoes comfortable enough fer the kinda work we do.
(ANASTASIA and JULIE exit.)
MRS. GUSPEEDA
Maybe I should sell this place and move to Florida.
(MRS. GUSPEEDA exits.)
Guspeeda Gong by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 1:
(MANDY GUSPEEDA runs in.)
MANDY GUSPEEDA
Can’t catch me! Can’t catch me!
(CLEO MIRONESCU enters.)
CLEO MIRONESCU
What did you do with the turkey meat, you little scoundrel?
MANDY GUSPEEDA
Through it in the toilet! Threw it in the toilet!
(MANDY runs out.)
CLEO MIRONESCU
Little monkey! I will throw you in the toilet!
(CLEO exits and MRS. ENTWHISTLE enters with MRS. GUSPEEDA.)
MRS. ENTWHISTLE
I set the table, Mrs. Guspeeda, but Mandy took the silverware and threw it in the neighbour’s yard.
MRS. GUSPEEDA
I don’t know what’s come over the child. It’s as if she’s possessed by the devil.
MRS. ENTWHISTLE
Maybe she got into the sugar bin again.
MRS. GUSPEEDA
Perhaps she needs a father.
MRS. ENTWHISTLE
None of the men here know how to handle her.
MRS. GUSPEEDA
Maybe a policeman, or a soldier.
MRS. ENTWHISTLE
Didn’t her mother run off with a fireman?
(MRS. ENTWHISTLE and MRS. GUSPEEDA exit.)
GRANNY THORPE
All that child needs is a puppy to love.
Guspeeda Gong by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 2:
(VICTORIA BEARD enters with MISSY HOFFMEYER and VAUGHAN CALYPSO.)
VICTORIA BEARD
Supper’s very late tonight. I had time to make up a song while I waited, and still the gong hasn’t rung.
MISSY HOFFMEYER
What’s your song about, Victoria?
VICTORIA BEARD
A man who tries to write novels, but should have been a hairdresser.
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
I suppose I’m the model for your ballad, Victoria Beard?
VICTORIA BEARD
How very perceptive of you, Mr. Calypso.
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
I’m all man, Miss Beard, even if I do know a thing or two about dressing your fine tresses of raven-black hair.
MISSY HOFFMEYER
If you’re partial to raven-black hair, Mr. Calypso, you might enjoy applying your skills to my fine, silky locks?
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
I’d say we’re all getting a bit silly from this damned fasting. I could eat a horse.
VICTORIA BEARD
Is it true you were once a cowboy, Mr. Calypso?
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
Yes. In fact, one cold winter out on the range, I became stranded in a blizzard and actually did have to eat my horse.
MISSY HOFFMEYER
C’est tragique, Monsieur Calypso! C’est tragique!
GRANNY THORPE
Speak English, damn it!
VICTORIA BEARD
Mr. Calypso, may I speak frankly, and in English?
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
Of course, Victoria. We’re all grown-ups here, with the possible exception of Miss Hoffmeyer.
VICTORIA BEARD
Are you in love with Miss Brighton?
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
A man never reveals the secrets of his heart on an empty stomach, Miss Beard.
MISSY HOFFMEYER
Do you not find me desirable, Mr. Calypso?
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
You have a divine form, my dear Miss Hoffmeyer, but your caustic tongue has seared my soul far too many times for me to desire anything more than mild flirtation.
VICTORIA BEARD
Then perhaps I’m more to your liking, “Vaughan”.
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
Why, Miss Beard, I do believe that’s the first time you’ve ever called me “Vaughan”!
VICTORIA BEARD
It is your name, is it not?
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
Indeed it is, given to me by my poor dead mother in honour of Ralph Vaughan Williams, the splendid English composer.
MISSY HOFFMEYER
A man with a composer’s name flirting with a woman who composes! How poetic!
(NELLY BRIGHTON enters.)
NELLY BRIGHTON
You three seem to be enjoying yourselves.
MISSY HOFFMEYER
Mr. Calypso tells me my tongue is caustic.
NELLY BRIGHTON
You have the tongue of a poet, Missy, and all poets are wordsmiths who can hammer their victims with harsh phrases.
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
Did you make that up, or is it a line from a play, Miss Brighton?
NELLY BRIGHTON
It’s from “The Poet and the Page” by John Candle.
VICTORIA BEARD
I saw you in that play, Miss Brighton. You were “Brenda Lafontaine”, the woman who was hopelessly in love with a failed novelist.
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
A play about a failed novelist? How apropos! We are at this moment engaged in a play about me, and I am a failed novelist.
MISSY HOFFMEYER
Don’t be so vain, Mr. Calypso. This is life, hard and real, not a play.
NELLY BRIGHTON
Is it, Miss Hoffmeyer? Mr. Calypso and I are…
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
Please don’t say it, Miss Brighton.
VICTORIA BEARD
In love? I knew it.
NELLY BRIGHTON
In love? Don’t be silly. We are…
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
Miss Brighton, for the love of heaven…
NELLY BRIGHTON
Writing a play together. There. It’s said.
VICTORIA BEARD
Well. At least you two are able to work together. I can’t say the same about me and Miss Hoffmeyer.
MISSY HOFFMEYER
Don’t get started on that again, Victoria.
NELLY BRIGHTON
Our play is about a poet and a musician who should work together, but the poet won’t admit to herself that she needs anyone’s help to be a success.
MISSY HOFFMEYER
You’re writing a play about me and Victoria Beard?
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
About everyone in this rooming house, actually.
NELLY BRIGHTON
It’s supposed to be a secret, but I’m so excited about it I’m going to explode!
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
It’s just a little thing, really. Nelly’s so excitable. These actresses, you know, all their emotions bubbling to the surface over every little thing.
NELLY BRIGHTON
(about to cry)
It’s a big thing! It’s a big thing!
(NELLY runs offstage.)
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
Nelly! Nelly! Dammitall, I’d better go and console her.
(VAUGHN exits in pursuit of NELLY.)
MISSY HOFFMEYER
“Console her”. He’ll do that and more.
VICTORIA BEARD
They’re in love, Missy. I’m certain of it.
(MISSY and VICTORIA exit.)
GRANNY THORPE
I was in love once, with a man who had a green thumb.
Guspeeda Gong by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 3:
(LIBBY TORNADO runs in and throws herself down, sobbing. VERONICA PASSIONATA and TRUDY POPPY run in after her.)
VERONICA PASSIONATA
Libby, Libby, please don’t cry.
TRUDY POPPY
You’ll be a wonderful human cannonball, really you will.
VERONICA PASSIONATA
You’ll fly out of that cannon like a gorgeous bird of paradise, arc through the air in a perfect parabola, and land with a soft successful “thud” in the tiny net.
LIBBY TORNADO
Oh, Ronnie, do you really think so?
VERONICA PASSIONATA
Yes, dear, with all my heart.
TRUDY POPPY
You’re born to soar, Libby. You’ll be the best cannonball ever!
LIBBY TORNADO
I suppose it won’t be so bad. After all, if I miss the net, I won’t even know what hit me, will I?
VERONICA PASSIONATA
You mustn’t think that way, Libby. You must say to yourself, over and over, “The net and I are one. The net and I are one.”
LIBBY TORNADO
“The net and I are one. The net and I are one. The net and I…” Oh, it’s no use. All I can see is the circus clowns running over to scoop me up after I hit the sawdust!
TRUDY POPPY
You won’t have to be “scooped”, Libby. No scooping for our little Libby.
LIBBY TORNADO
(her voice rising in distress)
Oh! Oh! Oh! I can’t breathe!
(waving her arms wildly)
I can’t breathe! I’ve got to get out!
VERONICA PASSIONATA
(struggling with Trudy to restrain the hysterical girl)
You’re not in the cannon, Libby! You’re not in the cannon! Hold her, Trudy. It will pass. It will pass.
(Sure enough, LIBBY becomes subdued, suddenly passive and flat.)
LIBBY TORNADO
(speaking with surreal calmness)
They’ll push me into the tube, and I will come shooting out, head over heels, like a ragdoll with arms and legs flopping. I will flop onto the hard earth and everything will go black.
TRUDY POPPY
Perhaps we should never have gone to dance school, Veronica.
VERONICA PASSIONATA
Too late now, Trudy.
GRANNY THORPE
It’s quite possible that you three girls are insane. You know that, don’t you?
LIBBY TORNADO
I’ve always been afraid of clowns.
VERONICA PASSIONATA
(holding her hand consolingly)
So many young girls are, Libby. So very many.
TRUDY POPPY
They’re going to pay you, Libby. Never forget that.
LIBBY TORNADO
Should I wear my bright red velvet gown, the one with the rhinestones?
VERONICA PASSIONATA
That would be lovely, dear, but you must wear clean underwear, just in case.
LIBBY TORNADO
(her voice rising in alarm again)
Just in case what? Just in case what?
TRUDY POPPY
(warningly)
Veronica.
VERONICA PASSIONATA
Nothing, Libby. Forget I said it.
LIBBY TORNADO
What about shoes? Should I wear my pumps, or will they just get blown right off my feet?
TRUDY POPPY
Barefoot might be best, Libby.
LIBBY TORNADO
I’m going to die, aren’t I.
VERONICA PASSIONATA
Don’t be silly, dear. You’ll fly right into that net, and the next thing you know we’ll be having a nice cup of tea and sharing a good laugh about it all.
LIBBY TORNADO
You two are such good friends. You may each have a lock of my hair after…after…
TRUDY POPPY
You mustn’t be morbid, Libby.
LIBBY TORNADO
Do you believe in Heaven?
VERONICA PASSIONATA
You mean, a place in the sky with angels walking on clouds?
LIBBY TORNADO
I’m going to go flying through the sky. Perhaps I’ll even see some angels as I go whizzing along. And then, after I hit, will I see any more angels? Will I?
TRUDY POPPY
That’s an awfully big question for such a tired girl.
VERONICA PASSIONATA
You must get some sleep. You’ve a big day ahead of you tomorrow.
LIBBY TORNADO
Oh god! I don’t want to die!
(shrill with terror)
I don’t want to die!
VERONICA PASSIONATA
(as they begin to escort her offstage)
Come along, dear. Trudy and I are going to take you to your room and give you a sedative.
TRUDY POPPY
Easy now, Libby. Beddy-bye time. Got to have lots of rest before the big event.
LIBBY TORNADO
Yes. I want to rest. I want to sleep and sleep. Perhaps I shall sleep forever.
(VERONICA and TRUDY exit, escorting the limp, exhausted LIBBY.)
GRANNY THORPE
I could go for a toasted marshmallow. Or maybe a dill pickle.
Guspeeda Gong by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 4:
(TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK enters with BATHSHEBA KELLOGG and COLLEEN MUSKET.)
TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK
It’s getting awfully late. When will that damned dinner gong sound?
BATHSHEBA KELLOGG
No need to swear, Tabatha, even if you are feeling sour and touchy.
COLLEEN MUSKET
Perhaps we should go to a café.
TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK
Too late for that. All the cafés in this one-horse town will have closed hours ago.
BATHSHEBA KELLOGG
Did I ever tell you about the little café beside my library that was actually…
TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK
…a red-light cat house run by a nun. Yes, Bathsheba, a thousand times.
COLLEEN MUSKET
Please don’t say “cat house”. If you must call it something, call it a “house of ill-repute”.
BATHSHEBA KELLOGG
You know, Colleen, you pretend to be so pure and innocent, but I suspect you were more than just a secretary in your day.
TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK
Yes. In fact, I heard Mrs. Guspeeda say something about you being some sort of dancer in a cabaret when you were young.
COLLEEN MUSKET
I had a brief career as a professional dancer.
BATHSHEBA KELLOGG
Clothed or unclothed?
COLLEEN MUSKET
Bathsheba!
TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK
Oh, relax, Colleen. We’re just three hungry old maids amusing ourselves by teasing each other about our mildly sinful natures!
BATHSHEBA KELLOGG
Is Mrs. Thorpe sleeping?
TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK
Looks that way.
COLLEEN MUSKET
I hope she’s not…not…
GRANNY THORPE
Not what, you silly old fussbudget? I’m just sitting here waiting for dinner like the rest of you!
COLLEEN MUSKET
Thank goodness for that.
(FELICITY BALOGNA, RUDI SCHULTZ, and JACK McCORKINDALE enter.)
RUDI SCHULTZ
Ladies! Any sign of dinner yet?
TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK
Not even a sail on the horizon, Mr. Schultz.
FELICITY BALOGNA
I’ve never been so hungry.
BATHSHEBA KELLOGG
You look as though you might faint, Mr. Balogna.
JACK McCORKINDALE
I can’t stop thinking about my mother’s apple pies.
COLLEEN MUSKET
Surely the gong will sound soon.
GRANNY THORPE
Has anyone got a toothpick?
(MRS. GUSPEEDA enters with MANDY, who is wrestling with her. CLEO and MRS. ENTWHISTLE follow.)
MANDY GUSPEEDA
Let me go, Granny! Let me go, or I’ll bite!
MRS. GUSPEEDA
Stop it, Mandy! You’re worse than a half-starved weasel!
MANDY GUSPEEDA
It’s not my fault I’m starving!
MRS. ENTWHISTLE
She flushed the turkey meat down the toilet, Mrs. Guspeeda.
MRS. GUSPEEDA
Is that true, Mandy? Is it?
MANDY GUSPEEDA
It was dirty. It was worse than poo-poo, Granny. It needed to be flushed.
CLEO MIRONESCU
The turkey was clean, I swear by all that is holy!
MRS. GUSPEEDA
We still have the vegetables, do we not?
CLEO MIRONESCU
Yes, the vegetables. They are stewing as we speak.
MANDY GUSPEEDA
(squirming under her granny’s grip)
I don’t want vegetables! I don’t want vegetables!
(MANDY breaks free and runs off.)
FELICITY BALOGNA
The girl needs a spanking, Mrs. Guspeeda, if you don’t mind me saying so.
MRS. GUSPEEDA
Please, Mr. Balogna! Don’t make things worse than they already are!
(MRS. GUSPEEDA exits.)
MRS. ENTWHISTLE
Mrs. Balogna, Mrs. Guspeeda’s doing the best she can.
JACK McCORKINDALE
Mrs. Balogna was only trying to help, Mrs. Entwhistle.
TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK
Young man, you may be in your prime and rather attractive in a juvenile sort of way, but you must keep your place.
MRS. ENTWHISTLE
I am not offended, Mrs. Hucklebuck. Come along, Cleo. I’ll help you with those vegetables.
(MRS. ENTWHISTLE and CLEO exit.)
BATHSHEBA KELLOGG
(aside, to TABATHA)
Tabitha, you’re staring at young Mr. McCorkindale.
TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK
(aside, to BATHSHEBA)
Am I? Well, an old woman can look, can’t she?
BATHSHEBA KELLOGG
(aside, to TABATHA)
But she can’t touch, Tabatha, she can’t touch.
COLLEEN MUSKET
What are you two whispering about?
BATHSHEBA KELLOGG
Come along with us, Miss Musket, and we’ll explain it to you.
(TABATHA, BATHSHEBA, and COLLEEN exit.)
FELICITY BALOGNA
Those three women make me nervous.
RUDI SCHULTZ
They’re so lonesome in a desperate sort of way. It’s sad.
JACK McCORKINDALE
Women are hard to understand, but I’ve got to start figuring them out, or I’ll never get a girlfriend.
RUDI SCHULTZ
When I was a kid, my dad told me the secret you need to know if you want to get along with women.
JACK McCORKINDALE
What’s the secret? Please, Mr. Schultz, I’ve got to know.
RUDI SCHULTZ
It’ll cost you a dollar.
JACK McCORKINDALE
Done.
(JACK pulls out a dollar, and gives it to RUDI.)
FELICITY BALOGNA
You should have saved your money, kid.
JACK McCORKINDALE
What’s the secret?
RUDI SCHULTZ
Women are always right. We’re always wrong.
JACK McCORKINDALE
That’s it? Women are always right and we’re always wrong? I paid a dollar for that?
RUDI SCHULTZ
You wanted to know how to get along with women, and I told you.
FELICITY BALOGNA
See, kid? You should have saved your dollar.
(NELLY BRIGHTON enters.)
RUDI SCHULTZ
Now’s your chance to try it out, Jack.
NELLY BRIGHTON
Try what out?
JACK McCORKINDALE
Nothing. Say, Nelly, when you invited me to your room earlier, I should have gone. You were right. I was wrong.
NELLY BRIGHTON
No, Jack. You shouldn’t have accepted my invitation to my room. Mrs. Guspeeda wouldn’t have approved.
JACK McCORKINDALE
But you’re always right, Nelly.
NELLY BRIGHTON
What are you talking about?
RUDI SCHULTZ
(taking him aside)
Whoa, Jack. Stop and think. Nelly said Mrs. Guspeeda wouldn’t have approved. That means Mrs. Guspeeda’s right, because she’s a woman.
JACK McCORKINDALE
Ohhhhhh! Right! Forget it, Nelly. I’m right about you being right about being wrong.
RUDI SCHULTZ
(with muffled alarm)
No, Jack!
NELLY BRIGHTON
I’m right about being wrong? What is that supposed to mean?
JACK McCORKINDALE
Well, I was right not to go with you to your room, and you were right about being wrong to ask me, because Mrs.Guspeeda doesn’t like lewd behaviour!
RUDI SCHULTZ
(exasperated)
Jack!
NELLY BRIGHTON
I give you a kind invitation to my room because I thought you wanted to lend a sympathetic ear to my story about my audition, and you insinuate that I had something else in mind? Well, Jack McCorkindale, you can just go right ahead and think you’re right, but don’t expect me to ever ask for anything from you ever again!
(NELLY exits.)
JACK McCORKINDALE
I want my dollar back.
FELICITY BALOGNA
Why? Nelly just proved that everything Rudy told you about women is true.
(FELICITY, JACK, and RUDI exit.)
GRANNY THORPE
I love to see a man bamboozled by a woman’s superior logic.
Guspeeda Gong by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 5:
(BETTY COMSTOCK enters with BILLI JELLINEK.)
BILLI JELLINEK
I get the feeling we’re never going to eat again.
BETTY COMSTOCK
Dinner’s never been this late before.
(JULIE and ANASTASIA JUPITER enter.)
JULIE JUPITER
When is Mrs. Guspeeda going to ring that gong?
ANASTASIA JUPITER
Now even them burgers at the Hot Rooster seem appetizin’.
BILLI JELLINEK
Poor Mrs. Thorpe has been waiting and waiting so patiently.
GRANNY THORPE
Do any of you ladies have a breath mint?
BETTY COMSTOCK
Sorry, Mrs. Thorpe, I never use ‘em. Can’t eat candy and work on dead folks at the same time.
JULIE JUPITER
What time is it, anyway?
BILLI JELLINEK
My watch has stopped.
ANASTASIA JUPITER
Ain’t that funny? So’s mine!
BETTY COMSTOCK
Seems like time’s just stopped dead in its tracks.
JULIE JUPITER
Just like as if the earth’s stopped spinning.
BILLI JELLINEK
I feel dizzy.
ANASTASIA JUPITER
If I was to go and open the door over there, I bet there’d be nothin’ outside but empty space.
BETTY COMSTOCK
Empty space slipping past like a big slow river, and you don’t even feel it moving.
JULIE JUPITER
Has the earth stopped spinning? Is this here the only now there is?
BILLI JELLINEK
Really dizzy. I feel really dizzy.
ANASTASIA JUPITER
Where is everybody?
(MRS. ENTWHISTLE and CLEO enter.)
MRS. ENTWHISTLE
I thought I heard the gong. Must have been my imagination.
CLEO MIRONESCU
The stove stopped working. The vegetables are lying in the pot like sleeping children.
(VAUGHAN and NELLY enter.)
VAUGHAN CALYPSO
Miss Brighton and I are writing a script about all this. Is the script this moment, and this moment the script?
NELLY BRIGHTON
(taking VAUGHN’s arm)
Don’t you understand, Vaughn? The words on the page become the moments on the stage, and the moments on the stage become our lives.
(VICTORIA and MISSY enter.)
VICTORIA BEARD
There’s a song playing in my mind, on and on, and it never repeats, but it’s always repeating. Can you hear it?
MISSY HOFFMEYER
There’s a poem forever writing itself, on and on, in the slipstream of my thoughts. Can you read it?
(VERONICA, TRUDY, and LIBBY enter.)
VERONICA PASSIONATA
On the day she was born, Libby got shot out of the cannon of life.
LIBBY TORNADO
I’m flying through space in a perfect parabola.
TRUDY POPPY
Will there be a net at the end of her days?
(TABATHA, BETHSHEBA, and COLLEEN enter.)
TABATHA HUCKLEBUCK
We three wait for the gong, teasing each other and looking for laughter to ease the passage.
BATHSHEBA KELLOGG
We gamble; we take risks; we win; we lose; but time is constant and aloof, moving through and around our little games.
COLLEEN MUSKET
My lifetime is hidden. No one sees my true moments but me.
(RUDI, FELICITY, and JACK enter.)
RUDI SCHULTZ
The future’s pulling at me, and I’ve got to go, gong or no gong.
FELICITY BALOGNA
You’re being tugged to your next meal, Rudi and Jack, and the next, on and on, until the last meal, the one you don’t eat.
JACK McCORKINDALE
Wish I could go back to fix what I’ve done wrong and improve what I did right.
BETTY COMSTOCK
Right or wrong, there’s an eternity before you were born, and an eternity after you die.
BILLI JELLINEK
Being alive sends my mind spinning and spinning, like a child’s top.
JULIE JUPITER
Life’s a diner where things cook slowly, so slowly, so you got to be patient.
ANASTASIA JUPITER
Here I am waiting, wondering when the satisfying moment’s gonna happen. But it never does.
(MANDY GUSPEEDA enters.)
MANDY GUSPEEDA
The moon and the stars are naughty. They tease me and trick me, and one day they’ll all be gone.
(MRS. GUSPEEDA enters.)
MRS. GUSPEEDA
This is my guest house; this is my rooming house. We wait for the gong to sound.
GRANNY THORPE
We never hear the sound of the gong, for when the gong sounds, we can no longer hear.
FULL CAST
(in unison)
When the gong sounds, we can no longer hear.