Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2005
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 55 minutes
• style: broad satirical comedy
• suitable for general audiences
• 27 characters (14 female, 13 male)
• black-box staging (no set required)
• an enjoyable comedic romp full of opportunities for actors and suitable for rapid production by a strong senior acting class
Summary of Script Content:
• “Tuffy’s Christmas Tale” amalgamates various comedic styles in an epic story about a diverse group of earthly and unearthly characters who seek refuge and solace in a barn on Christmas eve.
(This play was first performed on December 12, 13, 14, & 15, in the year 2005, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
∗Published Online by Good School Plays, April 4, 2018.
Go to:
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Scene 5
Scene 6
Scene 7
Scene 8
CHARACTERS:
Old Farmer Jones
Tuffy, his dog.
Cubby Morton, newlywed
Sloan Morton, newlywed
Bobbi-jo Takker, cowgirl
Bunky the Clown
Hank Grissel, cowboy
Frank Angel, an angel
Betty Angel, an angel
Tyrrel Jumo, elf
Indira Pashky, elf
Tofer Norquist, reindeer
Gudrun Hauptmeyer, reindeer
Bromwyn Waldgrave, Anglo-Saxon woman
Osric Edelson, Anglo-Saxon man
Hilla Sigismund, Anglo-Saxon woman
Mildreth Lind, Anglo-Saxon woman
Major Lija Nozito-Valova, Nobraynian Army
Sergeant Voski Borloffa-Toffanoff, Nobraynian Army
Corporal Bisko Dibbito-Vinito, Nobraynian Army
Private Shimsa Lemminski-Tikkitova, Nobraynian Army
Space Commander Altoid of the planet Gingivitis
Space Co-pilot Mento of the planet Gingivitis
Space Navigator Tictac of the planet Gingivitis
Space Mechanic Cert of the planet Gingivitis
Jacob S. Claus
Rachel Claus
Tuffy’s Christmas Tale by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 1:
(FRANK and BETTY ANGEL are standing onstage. They are handcuffed to each other.)
FRANK ANGEL
So this is Old Farmer Jones’ barn!
BETTY ANGEL
This is where it’s all supposed to happen.
FRANK ANGEL
What a dump.
BETTY ANGEL
Look, Frank, we’re not supposed to be “negative”, remember?
FRANK ANGEL
I was just stating a fact, Betty. F-A-C-T fact! Do you know what a fact is?
BETTY ANGEL
(indicating a short distance with the thumb and index finger of her free hand)
I’m this close to you, Frank. Think how easily my dainty little hand…
(opening her hand)
…could turn into a rock-solid fist.
(BETTY makes her open hand into a fist and puts it up close to FRANK’s face.)
FRANK ANGEL
(with maximum sarcasm)
Isn’t this great!
BETTY ANGEL
Now I’ve got your attention, let me remind you that the only way we’ll ever be allowed out of these…
(indicates handcuffs)
…is if we co-operate!
FRANK ANGEL
Damned handcuffs.
BETTY ANGEL
No, Frank, the handcuffs aren’t damned. We’re damned! At least we will be if we don’t learn how to get along with each other!
FRANK ANGEL
I wish I was back home, safe and warm.
BETTY ANGEL
Well you’re not, and neither am I!
FRANK ANGEL
I mean, so what if you and me fight once in a while? Is that any reason for the Higher Power to throw us out?
BETTY ANGEL
We wouldn’t be here in this barn if it wasn’t! Heck, Frank, we were coming to blows three times a day!
FRANK ANGEL
Yeah, because you’re always judging me.
BETTY ANGEL
Judging you! Judging you! Frank Angel, you spend every second of every day thinking up with new ways to criticize me!
FRANK ANGEL
You have a way of getting under my skin.
BETTY ANGEL
There you go again!
FRANK ANGEL
All right, all right! Let’s just focus, here, okay? Now, what exactly are we supposed to do in this barn?
BETTY ANGEL
Watch what happens tonight, try to learn from it, and then take action.
FRANK ANGEL
Oh yeah, take action. Hmmmm. Action. What sort of action, Betty?
BETTY ANGEL
Didn’t you listen to the Higher Power at the briefing before they threw us out?
FRANK ANGEL
I hate to say it, but the Higher Power can be so boring! I mean, that voice just drones on and on about “free will” and “divine intervention” and “cosmic purpose”.
BETTY ANGEL
Get it together, Frank! This is serious! We’ll be handcuffed together forever if we don’t figure this out!
FRANK ANGEL
All right, all right. Sheesh. You have such a short fuse!
(seeing OLD FARMER JONES approaching)
Hey, here comes Old Farmer Jones! Let’s just go hang out over there and watch what happens.
BETTY ANGEL
Watch and learn, Frank, watch and learn!
(BETTY and FRANK withdraw upstage to watch. OLD FARMER JONES enters.)
OLD FARMER JONES
Tuffy! Tuffy! C’mere, girl! Come on, now. Tuffy! Consarn it, where is that flea-bitten old pooch?
(TUFFY saunters in on two legs and generally behaves in a human way.)
TUFFY
What’s up, Old Farmer Jones?
OLD FARMER JONES
Where the heck have you been?
TUFFY
Oh, you know, just sniffing around, marking my territory. Same old, same old. Feeling a bit lonely because it’s Christmas?
OLD FARMER JONES
There’s nothing wrong with me that a bottle of scotch couldn’t cure.
TUFFY
Aw, now, Old Farmer Jones, you know you quit drinking when your wife Gladys left you.
OLD FARMER JONES
It’s been what…seven years since she ran off with that veterinarian?
TUFFY
Yep. Right after that same vet eliminated my capacity to reproduce.
OLD FARMER JONES
You got spayed and Gladys got laid.
TUFFY
The irony couldn’t be much richer.
OLD FARMER JONES
I can handle being lonely, but spending Christmas in this empty old barn is just plain depressing.
TUFFY
The trailer was more comfortable.
OLD FARMER JONES
Even had a satellite dish. Hard to believe we once had it so good.
TUFFY
Then that tornado had to come along and ruin everything.
OLD FARMER JONES
We were lucky to get out alive.
TUFFY
Too bad old Stinky didn’t make it.
OLD FARMER JONES
I thought you hated that cat.
TUFFY
Hey, “hate’s” a pretty strong word.
OLD FARMER JONES
How else would you define your little habit of biting Stinky’s ass at every possible opportunity?
TUFFY
My feelings about Stinky can be summed up with the phrase “complete and utter revulsion”. But even I’ve got to admit the sight of a tornado spinning him off into space like a feline frisbee was a tad disturbing.
OLD FARMER JONES
Stinky’s gone. Gladys is gone. The trailer’s gone. Not much left.
TUFFY
You still got me.
OLD FARMER JONES
You’re a dog.
TUFFY
Man’s best friend.
OLD FARMER JONES
Yeah, but your dependability gets monotonous.
TUFFY
Oh yeah? How’d you like me to bite your ass!
(TUFFY snaps at OLD FARMER JONES two or three times, causing him to draw back.)
OLD FARMER JONES
Down, Tuffy, down! Bad dog! I swear…
(holding up his thumb and first finger to show a short distance)
…sometimes you come this close to being euthanized!
TUFFY
Ah, you’re all bark and no bite.
OLD FARMER JONES
(resuming his meditation on seasonal despair)
God, I hate Christmas.
TUFFY
I liked it when I was a puppy…stealing the turkey leftovers, ripping up the shiny paper, peeing on the tree…
OLD FARMER JONES
Yeah, well your puppy days are over. This year all you’re getting is half a Milkbone and maybe a short walk to the outhouse and back.
TUFFY
Sure, spoil the surprise! Jeesh, you’re such a downer!
OLD FARMER JONES
This barn is no place to spend Christmas.
TUFFY
At least it’s warm.
OLD FARMER JONES
You’ve got fur.
TUFFY
(sarcastic as hell)
Do I? I hadn’t noticed.
OLD FARMER JONES
You know, you act more like a cat than a dog.
TUFFY
(dead serious)
Don’t ever say that!
OLD FARMER JONES
(sarcastic as hell)
What’s the matter, Tuffy, did I push one of your buttons?
TUFFY
You really should get out more.
OLD FARMER JONES
Right. It’s so easy to “get out” when I’m broke and stuck in an empty barn with a mangy old dog fifty klicks from the nearest neighbour.
TUFFY
Maybe you should try clinging to that naïve human belief in Christmas miracles.
OLD FARMER JONES
I’m not religious.
TUFFY
I thought it was more of a spiritual thing, like an opening up of your heart to the possibility of joy.
OLD FARMER JONES
Hush your mouth, right now.
TUFFY
All right.
OLD FARMER JONES
I mean it.
TUFFY
Fine.
OLD FARMER JONES
“The possibility of joy.” If you could hear yourself.
TUFFY
It was just a thought.
OLD FARMER JONES
One that’s better left unsaid.
TUFFY
(suddenly alert)
Did you hear something?
OLD FARMER JONES
Just the wind.
TUFFY
You humans! No wonder you had to develop your intellects. Your senses are practically useless.
OLD FARMER JONES
It was just the wind blowing around the barn.
TUFFY
There it is again!
OLD FARMER JONES
What?
TUFFY
Shuffling sounds.
OLD FARMER JONES
Shuffling?
TUFFY
(leaping and snarling towards the exit)
Rowrrrrr! Row!Row!Row!
(TUFFY indulges in much more barking and carrying on, as is her wont.)
Tuffy’s Christmas Tale by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 2:
(PRIVATE SHIMSA LEMMINSKI-TIKKITOVA enters, with rifle levelled at the surprised FARMER and DOG.)
PRIVATE LEMMINSKI-TIKKITOVA
Call off your “groffschnapper” or I shoot!
OLD FARMER JONES
Groffschnapper?
TUFFY
I think she means “dog”.
PRIVATE LEMMINSKI-TIKKITOVA
Yes. Dog. Make dog lie down.
OLD FARMER JONES
Better lie down, Tuffy. I think she means business.
PRIVATE LEMMINSKI-TIKKITOVA
Yes. I am meaning the business. I am not doing the fooling around. You will sit, please, or I will expel a bullet into your head.
OLD FARMER JONES
Fine, fine. I’ve no problem with sitting.
(OLD FARMER JONES sits and TUFFY lies down.)
PRIVATE LEMMINSKI-TIKKITOVA
Is much better.
(calling)
Major Nozito-Valova! You may enter into this cattle-hut!
(MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA and the other two NOBRAYNIANS enter, looking around suspiciously at the man, dog, and barn.)
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
(pointing at OLDO FARMER JONES)
You! You will do! I am Major Lija Nozito-Valova of the Imperial Nobraynian Army. I am making the surrender to you! We are your prisoners.
(The NOBRAYNIANS approach OLD FARMER JONES and pile their rifles at his feet and put their hands over their heads.)
OLD FARMER JONES
What’s going on here?
TUFFY
(getting up)
Whatever it its, we’re winning.
OLD FARMER JONES
You don’t have to stand there with your arms up.
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
We are your prisoners. We must make the demand that you treat us in accordance with all articles of Geneva Convention.
TUFFY
What are you doing here?
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
Who is boss? Dog or man?
OLD FARMER JONES
I’m the “boss”.
TUFFY
Or at least he thinks he is.
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
You will allow us to be lowering the aching arms?
OLD FARMER JONES
Yes, yes. No need for formality.
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
Nobraynian soldiers! Make the arms go down now please.
(The NOBRAYNIANS all lower their arms.)
OLD FARMER JONES
What do you mean by “Nobraynian”?
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
We are from the Republic of Nobraynia. We are conducting the invasion of this your country.
TUFFY
Why, you no-good Nobraynian bastards!
(TUFFY lunges and snarls. The Nobraynians draw back in alarm.)
OLD FARMER JONES
Down, Tuffy! Try to keep a lid on it, will you? Now, you say you’re invading Canada but you’re surrendering.
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
Sergeant Borloffa-Toffanoff will do the explanation. Sergeant Borloffa-Toffanoff?
SERGEANT BORLOFFA-TOFFANOFF
We fly here in First World War biplane of Nobraynian airforce. When we are over top of your cattle-hut, pilot and co-pilot push us out of plane and we fall in snowdrift. Is cold. We are afraid. We decide to surrender.
OLD FARMER JONES
Why’d you want to invade Canada?
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
Corporal Dibbito-Vinito will give a meaning to your question. Corporal?
CORPORAL DIBBITO-VINITO
President of Nobraynia has big passion for Canadian Tire bargains. He want to buy two tires for price of one. Is against law for Nobraynians to shop in foreign country, so we must make invasion.
TUFFY
Heck, it’s Christmas! I’m sure the Prime Minister of Canada would be happy to give your president a couple of entry-level all-seasons.
(The NOBRAYNIANS gasp and draw back in horror.)
PRIVATE LEMMINSKI-TIKKITOVA
No! Christmas is illegal in Nobraynia.
OLD FARMER JONES
What the heck for?
SERGEANT BORLOFFA-TOFFANOFF
We are too poor for extravagant holiday with turkey and all trimmings.
CORPORAL DIBBITO-VINITO
On Christmas Eve, we yell at children about inevitability of death and send to bed with empty bellies.
PRIVATE LEMMINSKI-TIKKITOVA
Is best. They must learn truth about harsh reality of existence.
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
And so we are making the surrender. Perhaps Canadian prison will be more pleasant than Nobraynian apartment with two hundred Nobraynians in each room.
TUFFY
Their apartments sound like public school classrooms.
OLD FARMER JONES
(shuddering)
No one deserves to suffer like that.
TUFFY
(picking up a rifle)
Say, these aren’t even loaded!
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
Nobraynians cannot afford bullets.
OLD FARMER JONES
(indicating rifles)
Well you may as well keep these, then. Maybe you can use them as snow shovels or something.
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
Very well. Nobraynians! Retrieve rifles!
(The NOBRAYNIANS pick up and shoulder rifles.)
SERGEANT BORLOFFA-TOFFANOFF
Major Nozito-Valova, what must we do next?
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
We must wait until farmer summons Canadian police. Then we go to jail.
TUFFY
That’s a heck of a way to spend Christmas.
OLD FARMER JONES
Sounds like they’re used to it. Why don’t you all just relax and enjoy the evening. Tuffy and I don’t get much company, you see.
TUFFY
Old Farmer Jones gets lonely. His wife ran off with a vet, his trailer got hit by a tornado, and his cat got flung in the air and dropped in the Pacific Ocean somewhere.
CORPORAL DIBBITO-VINITO
Is sad. Is like Nobraynian story of hedgehog.
(As they tell the story of Bibbi-nibbie, the NOBRAYNIANS become more and more distraught, until all are sobbing and wailing helplessly.)
PRIVATE LEMMINSKI-TIKKITOVA
Yes, like story of Bibbi-nibbi. One day, hedgehog called Bibbi-Nibbi go to market.
SERGEANT BORLOFFA-TOFFANOFF
Bibbi-nibbi leave her babies in little nest under bush.
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
Then hungry fox come and eat babies.
CORPORAL DIBBITO-VINITO
When Bibbi-nibbi get home from market, she find bones of dead babies.
PRIVATE LIMMINSKI-TIKKTOVA
So Bibbi-nibbi jump off cliff and is smashed on rocks far, far below!
ALL FOUR NOBRAYNIANS
(overlapping each other)
Is so sad! Oh, oh, oh! Poor Bibbi-Nibbi! Oh, oh, oh!
TUFFY
(to OLD FARMER JONES)
And you thought you had it bad.
OLD FARMER JONES
They sure are emotional.
TUFFY
Maybe they could stay in the hay loft.
OLD FARMER JONES
I guess. But if they really were trying to invade Canada, they’ll end up in jail for sure.
TUFFY
At least they can have one more night of freedom.
OLD FARMER JONES
(to NOBRAYNIANS)
You can stay up there in the hay loft tonight, if you want.
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
In hay loft?
(to other NOBRAYNIANS)
Farmer is offering hay loft as giant bed!
(The NOBRAYNIANS throw themselves down worshipfully.)
ALL FOUR NOBRAYNIANS
(overlapping)
Thank you! Thank you! We are grateful! You are most generous!
SERGEANT BORLOFFA-TOFFANOFF
(as the NOBRAYNIANS get up)
Never have we experienced such kindness!
CORPORAL DIBBITO-VINITO
In Nobraynian army barracks there is only stinking, garbage-covered floor for poor tired Nobraynian soldiers to sleep on.
PRIVATE LEMMINSKI-TIKKITOVA
We go now to hay loft. Is like dream come true.
OLD FARMER JONES
Do you have anything to eat?
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
Nobraynian soldiers do not eat except in morning.
SERGEANT BORLOFFA-TOFFANOFF
For breakfast in barracks, we have half bowl of cold dishwater and perhaps tiny sliver of rotten rat meat.
CORPORAL DIBBITO-VINITO
If farmer is cool with it, we will eat handful of hay instead.
PRIVATE LEMMINSKI-TIKKITOVA
Perhaps four to five straws each?
OLD FARMER JONES
Well, there’s not much hay left, but you’re welcome to eat as much as you want. Tuffy and I will show you how to get up there.
(The NOBRAYNIANS look at each other with excitement and joy.)
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
Come, my soldiers. I will perhaps allow you to have one straw each for little snack before sleepy time.
ALL FOUR NOBRAYNIANS
(singing Nobraynian anthem as they exit)
Nobraynia! Our cold, dark land!
Nobraynia! For thee we stand!
Though hunger stalks our bellies flat
We love our land and that is that!
(They exit with TUFFY and OLD FARMER JONES.)
Tuffy’s Christmas Tale by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 3:
(FRANK and BETTY ANGEL come downstage.)
FRANK ANGEL
If those Nobraynians like that nasty land of theirs, they’re gonna love a Canadian jail!
BETTY ANGEL
Frank! Jail is bad for everyone, no matter what! I mean, jail is like these handcuffs.
FRANK ANGEL
Yeah, I guess. Too bad they’re gonna go to jail for the rest of their Nobraynian lives.
BETTY ANGEL
That hedgehog story was so sad.
FRANK ANGEL
What kind of stupid hedgehog leaves her babies under a bush?
BETTY ANGEL
I don’t think that was the point of the story.
FRANK ANGEL
Sure it was. If you leave your babies alone, a fox will eat them. Case closed.
BETTY ANGEL
It’s a story about loss, about suffering and grief!
FRANK ANGEL
It’s a story about atrocious parenting!
BETTY ANGEL
You’re incapable of empathy, Frank Angel!
FRANK ANGEL
Don’t you go judging me, you “holier-than-thou”, preachy little angel!
BETTY ANGEL
The only way I can get through to you is by preaching at you!
FRANK ANGEL
The only way I can get through to you is by running away so you can stew in your own juices, which I would do if I wasn’t handcuffed to your skinny little wrist!
BETTY ANGEL
(looking offstage)
Stop it, Frank! Someone’s coming!
(FRANK looks offstage two, and he and BETTY withdraw upstage to watch.)
(SLOAN MORTON rushes in and throws herself down, followed by her anxious new husband CUBBY MORTON.)
SLOAN MORTON
Oh, Cubby! I just can’t go on! I just can’t!
CUBBY MORTON
I know you’re upset, honey, but this is our honeymoon!
SLOAN MORTON
I just want to go home to Mummy!
CUBBY MORTON
Sloan, you know your mother is on my side.
SLOAN MORTON
How can you even say that, Cubby? How can you even say that Mummy’s on your side?
CUBBY MORTON
She gave us fifty bucks toward the trip.
SLOAN MORTON
But don’t you see, Cubby, don’t you see? Fifty dollars, Cubby…it’s next to nothing! She only did it out of a sense of obligation!
CUBBY MORTON
(trying to comfort the sobbing girl)
Please don’t cry, Sloan. I hate it when you cry.
SLOAN MORTON
No! Don’t touch me, Cubby, or I’ll…I’ll…oh, I don’t know what I’ll do, but it won’t be very nice!
CUBBY MORTON
Look, Sloan, we can’t stay here in this old barn on Christmas Eve. We’ve got to press on to Grimshaw and check into the motel.
SLOAN MORTON
I won’t go another meter northward, Cubby. I hate it up here in the cold and snow.
CUBBY MORTON
You’ll feel better once we get to the motel. They’ve even got cable.
SLOAN MORTON
How can you even think about television at a time like this? We’re having a crisis, Cubby, a crisis!
CUBBY MORTON
Dash it all, Sloan, it’s not a crisis! You’re just feeling a bit nervous about being married. You’ll get over it just as soon as we snuggle down in a warm bed together.
SLOAN MORTON
I’m not going to snuggle down with you anywhere, Cubby! I’m not. I can’t stand the thought of it!
CUBBY MORTON
But we’re married now, Sloan! It’s perfectly acceptable for us to snuggle! In fact, it’s expected!
SLOAN MORTON
I don’t give a fig what everyone expects! I’m so unhappy, and you don’t seem to care!
CUBBY MORTON
Sloan, you agreed to come with me on our arctic honeymoon.
SLOAN MORTON
But you put so much pressure on me, Cubby! You pushed and pushed at me! Day and night, it was “arctic this” and “arctic that”. In the end, I had to say “yes” just to shut you up!
CUBBY MORTON
Shut me up! Shut me up! I sacrificed my precious energy to endless hours of carefully-reasoned debate about our lovely arctic excursion and you tell me you had to “shut me up!”
SLOAN MORTON
I did, Cubby! I did have to shut you up! You kept talking and talking about snow and ice and igloos and polar bears, and I just couldn’t take it any more!
CUBBY MORTON
Grandpa was right. He warned me that you were too high-strung to be a Morton.
SLOAN MORTON
I am not high-strung! And your grandfather is a mean old man who takes pleasure in crushing your dreams, Cubby. Oh, Cubby, don’t you see? Your grandfather wants you to be unhappy!
CUBBY MORTON
Fiddlesticks. I”ve always wanted to see the arctic, and if you were truly my wife, you’d be happy to see it with me.
SLOAN MORTON
But why do we have to drive there in your rotten old Ford Escort with a broken heater?
CUBBY MORTON
I love that car.
SLOAN MORTON
More than you love me?
CUBBY MORTON
Don’t be absurd.
SLOAN MORTON
I want to go home. I want a divorce!
CUBBY MORTON
Look, Sloan, I know I can be difficult at times. I know I sort of pushed you into this arctic trip against your will. But I do love you, more than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything.
SLOAN MORTON
Oh, Cubby! Don’t make me doubt myself again!
CUBBY MORTON
Your so dashedly beautiful, you see! You’re the sort of girl a man can only dream of marrying.
SLOAN MORTON
Cubby, Cubby, if only your meant it.
CUBBY MORTON
Of course I mean it. Every word. You’re a peach, Sloan, a real peach. Everyone knows it, and I’m the lucky fella that gets put you in his fruit basket.
SLOAN MORTON
I’m not a peach, Cubby.
CUBBY MORTON
Of course you are, and I’m your big, strong Cubby! Now let’s stop all this fussing and get back on the road.
SLOAN MORTON
I can’t, Cubby. I just can’t bring myself to set foot in that rusty old car. Please, let’s just stay here in this barn tonight.
CUBBY MORTON
But there’s no bed, my dear Sloan. We must have a bed on our first night together.
SLOAN MORTON
Stop it, Cubby! Why must you go on and on about a bed, as if that’s the only thing that matters?
(OLD FARMER JONES and TUFFY enter.)
TUFFY
(sniffing)
I smell trouble!
OLD FARMER JONES
(to SLOAN and CUBBY)
Can I help you?
CUBBY MORTON
Are you the proprietor of this barn, my good man?
OLD FARMER JONES
The what?
TUFFY
The owner.
OLD FARMER JONES
Yes, I’m the owner. My name’s Old Farmer Jones.
CUBBY MORTON
I’m Cubfield Morton, and this is my wife Sloan. We had a spot of trouble on our way to our arctic honeymoon, and sought refuge here.
SLOAN MORTON
What an adorable doggy!
(petting Tuffy, who rolls over so Sloan can scratch her belly)
What’s her name?
OLD FARMER JONES
Tuffy. Be careful, she’s a bit unpredictable.
SLOAN MORTON
What a good puppy! What a good puppy! Puppy like a scratchums on the belly, hmmm! Puppy like a good scratchums scratchums!
(Suddenly TUFFY growls fiercely and snaps at SLOAN, and runs to OLD FARMER JONES.)
SLOAN MORTON
(rushing to Cubby)
Oh, oh, oh! Cubby, she tried to bite me! Oh, Cubby, how awful!
OLD FARMER JONES
I warned you.
TUFFY
I’m a bit sensitive in the abdominal region.
CUBBY MORTON
There, there, Sloan. I daresay the puppy was only letting you know your affections seem a trifle affected.
SLOAN MORTON
I’m so sleepy, Cubby. Can’t you ask the nice farmer to let us stay here tonight?
OLD FARMER JONES
We’ve already got four soldiers sleeping in the loft.
CUBBY MORTON
Soldiers?
TUFFY
Nobraynians. They’re our prisoners.
OLD FARMER JONES
Don’t ask.
CUBBY MORTON
Say no more. There’s no reasoning with Nobraynians. A sorrowful, irrational lot at the best of times.
SLOAN MORTON
Cubby! Are you going to ask him or not?
CUBBY MORTON
Oh very well. Would it be all right if we spent the night? Sloan’s exhausted.
OLD FARMER JONES
You could hole up one of the cow stalls over yonder.
CUBBY MORTON
Splendid. Sloan, you go over there and sort yourself out. I’ll be back directly with the zip-together sleeping bags.
SLOAN MORTON
On no account will I allow you to zip them together, Cubby.
CUBBY MORTON
(aside to OLD FARMER JONES and TUFFY)
It’s our honeymoon you see. The first night. Sloan’s a bit nervous.
SLOAN MORTON
Cubby!
TUFFY
Don’t worry; even I can’t hear what goes on in the cow stalls.
SLOAN MORTON
Nothing’s going to “go on”! We’ll be sleeping, and that’s all.
(SLOAN exits.)
OLD FARMER JONES
I’d give you some advice, son, but I’m no expect in the marriage department.
TUFFY
His wife ran off with a vet.
CUBBY MORTON
Marriage is proving to be more complicated than I thought.
TUFFY
Take my advice: do less talking and more listening.
OLD FARMER JONES
(to TUFFY)
What do you know about marriage?
TUFFY
I’m a female, doofus. Spayed or not, I know what I’m talking about.
CUBBY MORTON
Well, I’m off to fetch the sleeping bags. What a misfortunate Christmas Eve this has turned out to be.
(CUBBY exits.)
TUFFY
Four soldiers and two newlyweds. Feeling a bit less lonely?
OLD FARMER JONES
Not really. Come on, we better help that young woman. She might fall in the well or something.
(They exit.)
Tuffy’s Christmas Tale by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 4:
(FRANK and BETTY ANGEL go downstage.)
FRANK ANGEL
That Sloan is kind of edgy.
BETTY ANGEL
Didn’t you learn anything from watching those two newlyweds?
FRANK ANGEL
Yeah, I learned she’s kind of edgy.
BETTY ANGEL
She’s unhappy, Frank!
FRANK ANGEL
I don’t see why. Her husband seems like a nice guy.
BETTY ANGEL
A nice guy? He’s a brow-beating intellectual with carnal intentions. In short, a horny-boy!
FRANK ANGEL
A “horny-boy”? Sounds like some sort of devilish reclining chair in a torture chamber.
(imitating a torturer)
“Strap him into the “horny-boy”, that’ll make him talk!”
BETTY ANGEL
You are so juvenile.
FRANK ANGEL
Ah-ah-ahhh! Judging again!
BETTY ANGEL
Here comes the farmer.
(They withdraw as OLD FARMER JONES and TUFFY enter.)
OLD FARMER JONES
That bride’s as skittish as a wild pony!
TUFFY
And as miserable as a mutt in a dog pound.
OLD FARMER JONES
I prefer my simile to yours.
(We hear an offstage scream. SLOAN MORTON rushes in after them and leaps into OLD FARMER JONES’s arms.)
SLOAN MORTON
Oh, oh, oh, Farmer Jones! There’s some sort of insect in that cow stall!
OLD FARMER JONES
(setting her down gently)
Now, now, little lady, this is a barn, remember? You probably saw a dead spider.
SLOAN MORTON
Oh, where-oh-where is Cubby? He’s been gone for ages!
TUFFY
More like two minutes.
(The four NOBRAYNIANS enter, clinging to one another in fear.)
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
Please excuse! We hear horrible scream of snow-ghost!
SERGEANT BORLOFFA-TOFFANOFF
All Nobraynians know scream of snow-ghost is sound of death!
CORPORAL DIBBITO-VINITO
We do not want to be dead!
PRIVATE LEMMINSKI-TIKKITOVA
In Nobraynia, we believe death is like sleeping for eternity on Greyhound bus!
OLD FARMER JONES
It was just this young woman. She’s a new bride.
TUFFY
This is the first night of her honeymoon.
ALL FOUR NOBRAYNIANS
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
Is scream of passion! We are so sorry. We go back in loft.
(The NOBRYANIANS exit, apologizing.)
SLOAN MORTON
Oh, why oh why does everyone assume Cubby and I must…must…Ohhhhh, it’s insufferable!
(SLOAN runs offstage. TYRELL JUMO the ELF enters.)
TYRELL JUMO
Excuse me, do you have room for a pair of elves and two reindeer? We need a place to sleep.
OLD FARMER JONES
Elves?
TUFFY
Reindeer?
TYRELL JUMO
C’mon in, you guys!
(The other elf INDIRA PASHKI and the reindeer GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER and TOFER NORQUIST enter. The REINDEER, like TUFFY, walk on two legs and behave like humans.)
TYRELL JUMO
We’re on our way back to the North Pole.
INDIRA PASHKI
We were at a party in Medicine Hat.
TOFER NORQUIST
Our beater broke down ten klicks back, so the elves tried to pull us on a toboggan, but they’re hungover, so we gave up.
TUFFY
Don’t reindeer usually pull elves, not vice-versa?
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
Tofer and I won the coin-toss.
OLD FARMER JONES
It’s a long way from here to the North Pole.
TYRELL JUMO
Tell me about it. I warned these guys that we should get going, but no, they had to have another shot of eggnog, and then another, and another.
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
Hey, you were the one who challenged us to a chug-a-lug contest, Tyrell.
TOFER NORQUIST
I never figured an elf could hold so much liquor.
TUFFY
Old Farmer Jones doesn’t drink.
OLD FARMER JONES
My wife…she ran off with a vet.
INDIRA PASHKI
Uh huh. I don’t get the connection.
TUFFY
His wife…she got tired of his drinking.
TOFER NORQUIST
Speaking of tired, I’m beat.
TYRELL JUMO
Can we stay here tonight? We can pay.
INDIRA PASHKI
Four gold coins.
TUFFY
Four gold coins!
OLD FARMER JONES
Sounds fair.
TYRELL JUMO
I’m Tyrell Jumo, and she’s Indira Pashki. Pleased to meet you, Old Farmer Jones.
INDIRA PASHKI
(to TUFFY)
You’re a cute little puppy!
(INDIRA tries to pet TUFFY, who snarls.)
OLD FARMER JONES
I’m sorry. Tuffy’s got a thing about elves.
TUFFY
I can’t help myself. It’s got something to do with my primal memory of being tormented by a creature in the forest.
INDIRA PASHKI
Too bad. I’d like to give you a good rub.
TOFER NORQUIST
I’m Tofer Norquist, and this is Gudrun Hauptmeyer.
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
Hey.
OLD FARMER JONES
You can stay in a cow stall. We’ve got a honeymooning couple staying in one, but there’s a couple of others that are still empty. Come on Tuffy, let’s go check to see if there’s any hay for these folks.
(OLD FARMER JONES and TUFFY exit.)
TYRELL JUMO
I told you they’d let us stay.
TOFER NORQUIST
In a cow stall? I mean, really, that’s got to be a new low in crappy accomodation.
INDIRA PASHKI
Oh, leave him alone, Tofer. He got us in out of the cold, didn’t he?
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
Don’t preach at Tofer, you sanctimonius little elf. It was your dumb idea to go to that party in Medicine Hat.
TOFER NORQUIST
A nice little town, but those people at the party…such bigots!
TYRELL JUMO
Look, just because they made a few cracks about us doesn’t mean they’re a bunch of racists! You should lighten up, for gosh sakes!
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
I can’t believe you let them say that stuff about you, Tyrrel.
TYRELL JUMO
It was all in good fun!
TOFER NORQUIST
Even when they called you an illegal alien, hung you upside down, and pretended you were a pinata?
INDIRA PASHKI
It was funny, for heaven’s sake! And Tyrell only got a few bruises.
TYRELL JUMO
And a very minor concussion.
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
When we get back to the North Pole, we’re going to be in so much trouble!
TYRELL JUMO
Quit worrying. They don’t need us.
TOFER NORQUIST
No? I bet right now, they’re coming up with cruel and unusual ways to punish us.
INDIRA PASHKI
Then why did you come with us to the party, hmmmm?
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
Because you said we’d be back by noon today!
TOFER NORQUIST
That dog was right. Never trust an elf.
TYRELL JUMO
Why, you bone-headed reindeer! How’d you like a fist in your bovine face?
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
How’d you like a kick in the shin!
(GUDRUN bucks and kicks out backwards, hitting INDIRA in the shin.)
INDIRA PASHKI
My shin! She kicked me in my bad shin! Did you see that? She knows it’s my bad shin, and she kicked me!
TYRELL JUMO
How low can you get?
TOFER NORQUIST
You don’t have a bad shin! It’s just a lie you made up to get out of work.
INDIRA PASHKI
I do so have a bad shin! It got broken when I fell off the back of a dumb reindeer at a party in Whitehorse two years ago!
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
We’re not dumb. You’re dumb!
TYRELL JUMO
That’s it! Let’s show these meat products what elves are really made of!
(The ELVES rush at the REINDEER; a fight ensues. Suddenly, TOFER’s antlers come off while he and INDIRA are fighting. The fighting stops. Stunned silence. They are all terribly shocked.)
TOFER NORQUIST
My antlers! My god, my antlers!
(TOFER is paralyzed with shock at the sight of the horns lying there.)
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
You ripped them right out of his head, Indira!
INDIRA PASHKI
I did not! They just fell off by themselves!
TOFER NORQUIST
My antlers!
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
How could they just “fall off”?
TYRELL JUMO
You were kind of rough on him, Indira.
TOFER NORQUIST
Omigod! My antlers!
(TOFER is badly shaken up by this turn of events.)
INDIRA PASHKI
(going to pick them up)
Maybe we can stick them back on…
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
(stopping her)
What are you talking about? You can’t stick them back on! They’re part of his skull, for the love of heaven!
TOFER NORQUIST
They’re just lying there…my antlers…just lying there in the dirt!
TYRELL JUMO
Maybe we should pack them in ice or something…you know, until they can put them back on.
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
Don’t be ridiculous! You can’t “put them back on”! Oh, you are in soooo much trouble!
INDIRA PASHKI
It was an accident! Anyone could see that!
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
(sarcasm dripping)
Sure.
(with certainty born of hard experience)
We reindeer know what they do to renegades at the North Pole. They’ll slaughter Indira and cook her meat!
TOFER NORQUIST
How can I go on living without my antlers?
INDIRA PASHKI
Please don’t tell! I’ll do anything!
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
Anything?
TYRELL JUMO
Careful, Indira.
INDIRA PASHKI
Anything…only don’t let them slaughter me!
TOFER NORQUIST
Children will stare at me, and their mothers will make them turn away and tell them it’s not nice to look at the poor reindeer with no antlers!
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
Tofer and I might be willing to pretend he lost his antlers accidentally if you and Tyrrel promise to give us all the gold coins you earn for the rest of your lives.
TYRELL JUMO
But I didn’t do it! Indira did!
INDIRA PASHKY
Look, Tyrell, you better agree to Gudrun’s deal or I’ll have to stab you to death with a knife.
TYRELL JUMO
What?
INDIRA PASHKI
I am not going to let them slaughter me and cook my meat!
TYRELL JUMO
I thought I was your friend!
INDIRA PASHKI
So you better help me out here, or I’ll have to terminate both your friendship and your life!
TYRELL JUMO
All right, all right! I’ll give up all my gold coins for the rest of my life! Heck, I don’t earn very many anyway, the boss is so cheap.
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
Then it’s a deal?
INDIRA and TYRELL
Deal.
TOFER NORQUIST
What about my antlers, Gudrun?
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
Oh, get over it, Tofer. We’ve got ourselves a honey of a deal here.
TOFER NORQUIST
We can’t just leave them lying there…
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
Indira, pick them up.
INDIRA PASHKI
What? No way.
TYRELL JUMO
They’re just bone.
GUDREN HAUPTMEYER
It’s wrong to leave them in the dirt, Indira.
INDIRA PASHKI
Oh all right.
(INDIRA gingerly picks up the antlers, dangling them from between her thumb and first finger.)
INDIRA PASHKI
Satisfied?
(OLD FARMER JONES and TUFFY enter.)
OLD FARMER JONES
Your stall is ready.
(seeing the antlers with shock)
Oh my goodness!
TUFFY
Looks like someone got dehorned.
OLD FARMER JONES
(aside to TUFFY)
A little tact, please, Tuffy.
(to the ELVES and REINDEER)
Um, it looks like something went a little bit wrong here.
TOFER NORQUIST
I lost my horns. It’s obvious. I had them on my head, and now they’re dangling from that elf’s hand. Yes, I lost my horns. Now can we just go to the stall and get some sleep?
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
(aside, to OLD FARMER JONES)
He’s in shock.
TUFFY
I’m rather fond of bones.
(TUFFY runs and pulls the antlers out of INDIRA’s hand with her teeth, and goes to a distant spot on the stage, worrying the antlers by shaking them back and forth and growling.)
TOFER NORQUIST
Oh…my…god! Do you SEE what that dog’s doing to my ANTLERS!
OLD FARMER JONES
(shouting)
Tuffy! Bad dog!
(OLD FARMER JONES and TYRELL, INDIRA, and GUDRUN chase TUFFY around the stage while TOFER stands there in complete horror and shock. Finally they surround TUFFY, who growls fiercely, defending her “bone”.)
OLD FARMER JONES
(gently coaxing)
Put the antlers down, Tuffy, there’s a good girl. Put them down now.
(TUFFY bounds through the circle and exits with the antlers.)
OLD FARMER JONES
Gosh, this is so embarrassing! I’m so sorry!
TOFER NORQUIST
(looking offstage towards TUFFY’s exit point)
Gone! Gone forever!
OLD FARMER JONES
I thought deer shed their antlers on a regular basis.
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
We’re reindeer! We’re special! We don’t shed our horns! I smell a lawsuit in the air!
OLD FARMER JONES
Sue all you want. I don’t have a penny. Heck, even this old barn belongs to the bank!
TYRELL JUMO
(to OLD FARMER JONES)
Well, I guess we don’t have to give you our gold coins after all!
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
That’s right, Tyrell. So you and Indira better hand them over to me.
INDIRA PASHKI
What about Tofer? You’re supposed to share them with Tofer!
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
From now on, I’m managing Tofer’s affairs. Right, Tofer?
TOFER NORQUIST
(still looking at the exit)
Hmmmmm?
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
See?
TYRELL JUMO
Oh, all right!
(TYRELL and INDIRA dig out gold coins and give them to GUDRUN.)
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
That’s better. Now go on, it’s time for nighty-nights.
TYRELL JUMO
Poor Tofer! He looks so lost without his antlers!
INDIRA PASHKI
Reindeer are so touchy about their antlers.
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
We derive a lot of sensual pleasure from our antlers.
TYRELL JUMO
That’s more than I want to know.
(INDIRA and TYRELL exit, leading TOFER off with them.)
OLD FARMER JONES
There’s some hay in the stall. Don’t mind the woman in the one beside it. She can’t keep on crying forever.
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
What’s wrong with her?
OLD FARMER JONES
She’s on her honeymoon.
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
Poor kid.
(GUDRUN exits as CUBBY MORTON enters with the sleeping bags.)
CUBBY MORTON
Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to bed I go. By the way, Old Farmer Jones, I saw your dog burying something outside in the snow.
OLD FARMER JONES
Just a bone.
CUBBY MORTON
(doing a mental inventory)
Let’s see. Armpits…good. Breath…adequate. All right, Cubby, you old devil, time for a little bit of a warm cuddle on a cold winter night!
(SLOAN MORTON enters, distraught.)
SLOAN MORTON
Cubby! Oh Cubby, thank heaven’s you’re back. Some sort of strange mythological creatures came into the cow stalls and stared at me as if I was on display!
CUBBY MORTON
What the devil’s going on, Old Farmer Jones?
OLD FARMER JONES
Just a couple of elves and a pair of reindeer holing up for the night.
CUBBY MORTON
I assumed the cow stalls were private, my good man.
OLD FARMER JONES
Oh, you can shut the big wooden door to your stall and no one will see a thing.
SLOAN MORTON
There’s not going to be anything to see!
OLD FARMER JONES
(uncomfortable, after a beat)
Excuse me. I need to find my dog.
(OLD FARMER JONES exits.)
CUBBY MORTON
Come now, Sloan, it’s our wedding night. Let’s not spoil it with a lot of needless hysteria!
SLOAN MORTON
Cubby, this is all so awful! There are dead spiders and funny looking soldiers and strange creatures, and you’re so full of…of…of lust!
CUBBY MORTON
I’m just glad I’m with such a fabulous girl who happens to be my wife!
SLOAN MORTON
It’s lust, Cubby! I just know it! And I simply won’t have it, do you hear! You’ll have to sleep out here!
CUBBY MORTON
Oh, now, Sloan, I don’t think…
SLOAN MORTON
I mean it, Cubby! I won’t allow you to enter that cow stall!
CUBBY MORTON
Dash it all, Sloan, you’re being damned difficult!
SLOAN MORTON
No, Cubby, you’re being difficult! No means no! Do you hear? No means no! Stay out of my stall!
(SLOAN runs off.)
CUBBY MORTON
(calling after her)
Sloan! Sloan!
(rubs his face in exasperation)
No means no. How could I have forgotten that? What a dreadful fool I’ve been. I’ll go for a bit of a walk in the freezing-cold night to clear my befuddled mind.
(CUBBY exits mournfully.)
Tuffy’s Christmas Tale by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 5:
(FRANK and BETTY ANGEL go downstage.)
FRANK ANGEL
This is a busy barn!
BETTY ANGEL
Soldiers, newlyweds, elves, reindeer…
FRANK ANGEL
Are you learning, Betty Angel?
BETTY ANGEL
Just that they’re all hopelessly conflicted.
FRANK ANGEL
Is “conflicted” correct usage?
BETTY ANGEL
There are no rules for the English language. You can do anything with it.
FRANK ANGEL
Those elves and reindeer are seriously dysfunctional.
BETTY ANGEL
The one called “GUDRUN” is a piece of work, manipulating the dehorning for her own benefit.
FRANK ANGEL
And those newlyweds! They might as well divorce right now and get it over with.
BETTY ANGEL
Do you think you and I are as messed up as all these other folks?
FRANK ANGEL
You’re messed up. I’m fine.
BETTY ANGEL
Get with the program, Frank. You’re handcuffed too, you know.
FRANK ANGEL
(looking offstage)
Omigosh! Clown alert! Retreat to inconspicuous observation zone!
(FRANK and BETTY go upstage to hide as BOBBIE-JO TAKKER enters with BUNKY the CLOWN.)
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
Oh, Bunky, why’d y’all hafta go crash yor lil’ ol clown car inta that big ol’ tree?
BUNKY THE CLOWN
(with much bizarre physicalization as he speaks with his clown voice)
I’m sorry, Bobbi-jo. I was having such a good time honking on the honky-horn and wibble-wobbling back and forth on the road and flashing the coloured lights on and off. I just plain forgot that my clown car was hurtling down the highway at one hundred and ten klicks in a snowstorm. Ha, ha, ha, hyuk, yukkity, yuk!
(BUNKY just can’t help laughing at almost everything he says.)
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
Bunky, you make me laugh! I guess that’s why I love ya so much. C’mere and give Bobbi-jo a squeeze with them big ol’ clown hands of yours!
BUNKY THE CLOWN
But Bobbi-jo, what if Hank catches up with us? He can’t be far behind! Hee, hee, hee, haw, haw, yukkety yuk!
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
Ta hell with him! He’s jus’ a dumb cowpoke who don’t know nothin’ ‘cept how ta wrassle steers an’ chug beers!
BUNKY THE CLOWN
Say, this big old barn is sort of like the circus tent! Watch this, honey-sweet!
(BUNKY runs around in a circle, then trips himself, does a forward roll or something, then jumps up and bows.)
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
(clapping enthusiastically)
Awwww, Bunky, yer just about the funniest clown ah ever did set mah eyes on! C’mere and give ol’ Bobbie-jo a lil’ kiss!
(BOBBIE-JO leans forward and puckers her lips.)
BUNKY THE CLOWN
But Bobbi-jo, Hank Grissel might walk in here any moment, and if he saw me kissing you, he’d shoot me as dead as day-old donut! Hyuk, haw, hyuk, haw, ha, ha, hukkity-yukkity!
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
Hank musta run outta bullets by now, Honey-bunch. Hell, he punched three holes in yore clown car with his forty-five, and then blew yore hat clean off yore head!
BUNKY THE CLOWN
That’s only four! That’s only four! The horrible man must have two more! Haw, haw, haw, hiddly, haw!
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
Doncha want ta kiss me, mah lil’ clowny-wowny? Doncha want ta feel mah pouty lips on yours?
BUNKY THE CLOWN
Why, I sure do, Bobbie-jo, I sure do! And just as soon as I’m sure that Hank’s not on our tail anymore, I’ll give you all the kisses your little heart desires! Hi, haw, hi, ho, hidey, ho, ho, haw!
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
(stamping around)
I hate that stoopid cowboy! Where in hell does he get off, thinkin’ he kin still be mah boyfriend after what he done?
BUNKY THE CLOWN
But Bobbi-jo, Hank didn’t do anything! You ran away with me, remember? And then old Hank got mad and chased us down the road in his Dodge Ram four-by-four, taking pot shots at my head!
(Bunky, finally facing the horror of his predicament, is no longer laughing.)
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
Oh, Bunky, how come you din’t laff when you said that? You always laffs yore head off ‘bout everythin’ you say!
BUNKY THE CLOWN
I suddenly understood, Bobbi-jo, that Hank is genuinely, one hundred percent, definitely, without a doubt, trying to kill me!
(BUNKY starts to cry in a big, clowny way.)
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
(embracing him to comfort him)
Oh, now, don’t you worry, now, Bunky. I won’t let that big, dumb-ass cowboy kill you!
BUNKY THE CLOWN
Bu-bu-bu-but Bu-Bu-Bu-Bobbi-juh-juh-juh-jo! Huh-huh-huh-Hank’s so buh-buh-buh-big and buh-buh-buh-bad! Bwahhhhh, hahhhhhhh! Hahhhh!
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
Come on now, Bunky, quit yore sobbin’! Din’ I tell ya that I’d pertect ya from that big ol’ bully? Ah’m a tuff one, Bunky! Watch this!
(BOBBIE-JO spins BUNKY around and throws him through the air.)
BUNKY THE CLOWN
(as he flies thorugh the air)
Whoaaaaaaaaaa!
(BUNKY lands and collapses as HANK GRISSEL enters.)
HANK GRISSEL
Well, ain’t this nice! A coupla luv birds havin’ themselves a lil’ bit of fun! And I’ll be danged if it ain’t Christmas Eve to boot! An’ speakin’ of boots, ah’ve got mahself a bit ‘a bootin to do right now!
(HANK goes to BUNKY and picks him up.)
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
You put him down, you stinkin’ bully! He’s mah lover an’ I ain’t gonna let ya touch him, you hear?
HANK GRISSEL
(throwing BUNKY down and walking toward BOBBIE-JOE)
What you mean he’s yore lover? Ah’m your lover!
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
(walking up to HANK, completely unafraid)
No you ain’t! Not no more!
HANK GRISSEL
You mean ta tell me you’d rather make love with a clown than with a real man?
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
Bunky makes me laff, you dumb cow jockey, an’ yore just a grumpy, mean, stupid ‘ol muscle-bound ape!
HANK GRISSEL
A ape! You called me a ape! Ain’t no one calls Hank Grissel a ape an’ lives ta tell the story!
BOBBIE-JO TACKER
Come on, then, ya varmint! Ah’ll pound ya ‘til ya puke!
(BOBBIE-JO and HANK begin to circle each other. As they do so, BUNKY gets up and jumps on HANK’s back.)
HANK GRISSEL
Git offa me, ya stoopid clown!
(HANK spins around and BUNKY flies off and lands on the floor.)
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
(running to the unconscious clown)
See what ya done, ya murderer! Ya killed mah pore lil’ Bunky!
(BOBBIE-JO throws herself on the clown, sobbing uncontrollably.)
HANK GRISSEL
(not really sure if he’s right)
He ain’t dead.
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
He is so! Ya killed him! Oh, Bunky, ah’m sorry ah got ya into all this trouble!
HANK GRISSEL
He ain’t dead, Bobbi-jo…Is he?
BOBBIE-JO TACKER
(lifting BUNKY’s limp arm and letting it go so it flops down on the floor)
Yes he is, Hank! Oh, Hank, they’re gonna give ya a lethal injection fer doin’ this!
HANK GRISSEL
No they ain’t. This here is Canada! Ain’t no death sentence in Canada!
BOBBIE-JO TACKER
Then ah’ll hafta kill ya mahself!
(BOBBIE-JO whips out a handgun.)
HANK GRISSEL
Where in hell didja git that piece?
BOBBIE-JO TACKER
Mah daddy left it to me! He said, “Bobbi-jo, if some mean-assed man ever gives ya a hard time, shoot his pecker off with this here gun!” an then he died.
HANK GRISSEL
Now, Bobbi-jo, ah knows you an’ I’ve had our differences, but there ain’t no call to go shootin’ me. Hell, that there’s just a clown. It don’t matter if he’s dead. There’s always more of ‘em in the circus, if ya want another.
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
Ah don’t want another one! Ah wants Bunky! An’ he’s dead ‘cause you threw him accrost the floor and broke his neck!
BUNKY THE CLOWN
Ohhhhh! Where am I? An angel! I see an angel! Ha, ha, hyuk, yuk, haaaa!
(BUNKY passes out again.)
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
(shouting)
Bunky! Bunky, come back! Ah cain’t live without ya, Bunky!
(BOBBIE-JO shakes the unconscious clown. No response.)
HANK GRISSEL
Guess he’s dead all right. Musta bin his nerves or somethin’. When a man’s dead, his nerves make him do stuff like as if he’s still alive.
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
After I kill ya, Hank, Ah’m gonna kill mahself ‘cause there ain’t no reason ta go on livin’ without mah Bunky!
(BOBBIE-JO throws herself on BUNKY, and resumes her sobbing.)
HANK GRISSEL
Well, go ahead, then, an’ shoot me! Let’s see if you kin’ do it! Ah ain’t scared ‘a bein’ dead. Hell, it’s jus’ like sleepin’, an’ ain’t nothin’ better than eight hours of shuteye!
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
(getting up from BUNKY)
Ah’ll kill ya when ah’m ready. Right now ah’m still in the grievin’ process from Bunky bein’ dead an’ all.
BUNKY THE CLOWN
(recovering and sitting up)
Bobbi-jo? Bobbi-jo? Where are you, my little cowgirl! Come over here and give me a massage. My neck’s as sore as a snake on a six lane freeway…haw, haw,haw, hyuk!
BOBBIE-JO TACKER
Bunky! Oh Bunky, yore alive! Ah is so relieved!
(BOBBIE-JO runs to BUNKY and massages his shoulders with affection.)
HANK GRISSEL
Well, ain’t that purty! Maybe I oughta huck that clown on his head again!
BUNKY THE CLOWN
Now, Mr. Grissel, I want to apologize for making you upset, but me and Bobbi-jo are in love…ha, ha, ha, hyuk, yuk yuk!
HANK GRISSEL
Damn, I hate it when a clown laughs, ‘cause ah jus knows they’s laughin’ at me!
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
Don’ try nothin’, Hank.
(brandishing her “piece)
Ah still got mah daddy’s gun, remember?
(OLD FARMER JONES enters with TUFFY.)
OLD FARMER JONES
Can I help you folks?
HANK GRISSEL
This here clown done stole mah girl, mister.
TUFFY
Your girl? Well, well, yet another master-slave relationship. You humans, always preaching about equality, but when it comes right down to it, you’re just a bunch of animals like the rest of us.
HANK GRISSEL
Huh?
OLD FARMER JONES
Don’t mind Tuffy…she talks like a cat.
TUFFY
(with a growl and a nip at OLD FARMER JONES)
I warned you about that!
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
Ah’m Bobbi-jo Takker and this here is Bunky the Clown. Ah don’t care who that other fella is ‘cause he and me is through!
BUNKY THE CLOWN
My clown-mobile hit a tree, mister farmer, and this large cowboy has been trying to kill me with a six-gun! Hyuk, haw, haw, haw!
HANK GRISSEL
Quit that laughin’ or I’ll punch off yer head, ya stoopid clown!
OLD FARMER JONES
I’m Old Farmer Jones, and this is my barn! If you want to stay here, you’re going to have to figure out how to get along!
TUFFY
That laugh is rather aggravating.
HANK GRISSEL
Ah ain’t stayin’ here! Ah’m gonna go sit in mah Dodge Ram four-by-four and figure out how ta git mah girl back!
(HANK exits.)
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
Kin me an’ mah clown boyfriend stay here, mister? We’ll be real nice, ah promise!
OLD FARMER JONES
We’re kind of full. There’s an invading army in the loft, and two honeymooners, two elves, and two reindeer in the cow stalls.
TUFFY
There’s one more cow stall.
BUNKY THE CLOWN
And it is Christmas Eve! Hyuk, har, har!
OLD FARMER JONES
Oh, all right! Follow me.
(OLD FARMER JONES and TUFFY lead the clown and cowgirl offstage as CORPORAL DIBBITO-VINITO runs on, followed by PRIVATE LEMMINSKI-TIKKITOVA.)
CORPORAL DIBBITO-VINITO
No, Shimsa! I did not steal your hay!
PRIVATE LEMMINSKI-TIKKITOVA
You are making the lie, Bisko! You have put my hay in your stomach and now I must starve!
(MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA and SERGEANT BORLOFFA-TOFFANOFF enter.)
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
Private Lemminski-Tikkitova! Why do you shake the fist at Corporal Dibbito-Vinito?
CORPORAL DIBBITO-VINITO
Her brain has come loose, Major Nozito-Valova!
SERGEANT BORLOFFA-TOFFANOFF
You will be shutting your food hole, Corporal! Let Private Lemminski-Tikkitova make words!
PRIVATE LEMMINSKI-TIKKITOVA
The corporal stole from me my hay.
CORPORAL DIBBITO-VINITO
She throws out a lie! I have not done the thieving of her hay!
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
Nobraynians must never steal! We will do the punishing of Corporal Dibbito-Venito as a warning to all!
(SERGEANT BORLOFF-TOFFANOFF and PRIVAT LEMMINSKI-TIKKITOVA hold CORPORAL DIBBITO-VINITO’s arms. MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA stands behind the corporal and tickles him. There is something terribly un-funny about this. He laughs and laughs until he collapses. They let him flop on the floor.)
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
There will be no more of this stealing of hay!
(The MAJOR, SERGEANT, and CORPORAL exit. FRANK and BETTY ANGEL go downstage and look at the unconscious Norbraynian.)
FRANK ANGEL
Tickling. What an ingenious punishment.
BETTY ANGEL
And they didn’t even give him a fair trial.
FRANK ANGEL
Army life is harsh.
BETTY ANGEL
And cruel.
FRANK ANGEL
Life is cruel. Did you see the way that cowboy abused that clown?
BETTY ANGEL
And the way that cowgirl waved a gun around as if it was a plaything?
FRANK ANGEL
I think I’m learning, but I don’t like what I’ve learned.
(CORPORAL DIBBITO-VINITO stirs.)
BETTY ANGEL
He’s regaining consciousness. Let’s withdraw!
(FRANK and BETTY go upstage.)
CORPORAL DIBBITO-VINITO
Ohhhh! Is hard to breathe! I have had a punishment, but I did not steal! I curse the day of my conception!
(The CORPORAL exits as GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER runs in with TOFER NORQUIST after her.)
TOFER NORQUIST
I’ll tear them off your head!
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
No! No! Not my antlers! Have you gone mad!!
TOFER NORQUIST
Give me! Give me!
(TOFER lunges at GUDRUN and tears her antlers off, throwing them down, then sinks to his knees as GUDRUN cries out, then goes numb, staring at her antlers. TYRELL JUMO and INDIRA PASHKI run in.)
TYRELL JUMO
Tofer! What have you done!
INDIRA PASHKI
He tore off a fellow reindeer’s antlers!
TOFER NORQUIST
She had antlers and I didn’t! I couldn’t stand it! I had to make her suffer the way I’ve suffered!
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
He…he…went crazy! He said it wasn’t fair!
(TUFFY rushes in, grabs the antlers, and bounds out.)
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
Now my antlers have gone to join Tofer’s, out in cold, chewed on by that infernal mutt!
(GUDRUN exits.)
TOFER NORQUIST
(as he exits after her)
Gudrun! Gudrun! I didn’t know what I was doing! You’ve got to forgive me! Please, Gudrun!
(TOFER completes his exit.)
TYRELL JUMO
You started this, Indira. I know you intended to pull off Tofer’s antlers.
INDIRA PASHKI
Think what you want, you little toad.
TYRELL JUMO
At least Gudrun won’t be pestering us for gold coins for a while.
INDIRA PASHKI
That’s what she gets for trying to force us into her little extortion scheme. It’s poetic justice.
(TYRELL and INDIRA exit.)
Return to Scene List
Tuffy’s Christmas Tale by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 6:
(Four ancient ANGLO-SAXONS, suitably attired, come spinning onto the stage, and land in a pile. They sort themselves out and dust themselves off and inspect their surroundings curiously. They speak in iambic pentameter, more or less.)
OSRIC EDELSON
Zoonds! What sort of devilish magic trick is this?
HILLA SIGISMUND
Some sort of witchery is in the air!
BROMWYN WALDGRAVE
Aye! And ‘tis the mushrooms that we ate that brought us here!
MILDRETH LIND
Osric! You puking dog, you’re the one to blame!
HILLA SIGISMUND
You cooked a stew of mushrooms full of mould!
BROMWYN WALDGRAVE
We ate the mess, and fell into a spell!
MILDRETH LIND
And now we’ve come to rest in some strange land!
OSRIC EDELSON
Why blame my mushrooms? Why blame my kindly act?
HILLA SIGISMUND
Perhaps you are a wizard full of pranks.
BROMWYN WALDGRAVE
Perhaps you mean to turn us into rats.
MILDRETH LIND
Perhaps we’re in a dragon’s filthy lair.
OSRIC EDELSON
Perhaps you three are all completely cracked!
HILLA SIGISMUND
Cracked! Oh Bromwyn, did you hear the man?
BROMWYN WALDGRAVE
Osric, you are cracked and we are whole!
MILDRETH LIND
We’ll beat you ‘til you send us home again!
(BROMWYN and MILDRETH approach OSRIC menacingly. He backs up. All now start speaking in rhyming quatrains.)
HILLA SIGISMUND
Wait! The man’s a wizard, don’t forget!
He might be waiting for your blow.
And when you strike, he’ll strike you back,
And turn you into falling snow!
OSRIC EDELSON
I am nothing but a peasant poor!
You stood and begged outside my shanty door…
It’s Christmas-tide and you were lost and cold
And so I fed you mushrooms full of mould.
(The WOMEN circle round him warily as they speak their crude iambic verses.)
BROMWYN WALDGRAVE
Ah yes, the mouldy mushrooms! There’s the rub!
They made our bellies heave and bodies sweat;
Our brains did swirl…we felt like we’d been clubbed,
And now you’ve caught us in your evil net!
MILDRETH LIND
What awful fate do you have planned for us?
What nasty creature lurks within this place?
What frightful snake or drooling succubus?
What fearsome horrors must we beggars face?
HILLA SIGISMUND
What place is this, so strange and cold and wild
So far away from all we love and know?
I fear the shadows like a scaredy child;
What awful slouching beast those shadows show.
OSRIC EDELSON
Aieeeeeeeeeee! The beast thing cometh! Prepare to meet our deaths!
(TUFFY runs in snarling and barking, chasing the ANGLO SAXONS around the stage in a paroxysm of violent rage. Finally, TUFFY leaps on MILDRETH and they go down in a rolling heap, with MILDRETH screaming and TUFFY barking, and the others drawing back in fear and horror. OLD FARMER JONES enters.)
OLD FARMER JONES
Tuffy!
(louder)
Tuffy! Down, Tuffy!
(even louder)
Down, Tuffy! Tuffffffyyyyy!
(TUFFY finally leaves the terrified MILDRETH, who remains in a foetal position on the floor.)
TUFFY
Sorry, Old Farmer Jones, but these guys smell really weird.
OLD FARMER JONES
(going to MILDRETH and helping her up)
I’m sorry Tuffy scared you. Are you on your way to a Christmas Eve costume party?
MILDRETH LIND
Oh, kind sir, in garb so strange and odd!
That beast of yours almost destroyed my bod.
What place is this, what year, what month and day?
We’re lost, you see; please help us find our way.
OLD FARMER JONES
You talk funny.
OSRIC EDELSON
Mildreth! Fear this man who wears strange threads!
He is perhaps a spirit from the dead!
His beast attacked and tried to bite your head!
A dreadful dream! Yet we are not in bed!
TUFFY
It’s Christmas Eve, December 24th, 2005. And get over me, will you!
HILLA SIGISMUND
Foul beast, you spout a filthy lie!
It’s Christmas-tide in 1065!
And we are Anglo-Saxons proud and true,
Not devilish mongrel beasts like you and you.
BROMWYN WALDGRAVE
Away with you for you are but a dream!
I fear you not for soon I shall awake.
I will not shiver-shake or make some girlish scream,
For in my maiden heart I know you’re fake!
OSRIC EDELSON
Sweet Bromwyn, fair Hilla Sigismund!
And gentle Mildreth Lind, I fight for you!
This awful evil spell will be undone;
My mouldy mushrooms will not kill you too!
(OSRIC lunges at TUFFY, grabbing her and rolling about on the stage.)
TUFFY
What the heck! Get off me, you foul-smelling Anglo-Saxon!
OLD FARMER JONES
(wading into the fray)
Hey! That’s my dog you’re messing with, fella!
HILLA SIGISMUND
Oh, Osric brave! I think I am in love!
MILDRETH LIND
See how he bravely gropes and shoves!
BROMWYN WALDGRAVE
Please, Osric, let me be your turtle dove!
(OLD FARMER JONES and TUFFY finally get OSRIC under control and hold him between them)
OSRIC EDELSON
(still struggling but obviously overpowered)
Surrender, or I’ll tear out all your guts!
OLD FARMER JONES
I’ll kick you in your Anglo-Saxon nuts!
TUFFY
Oh no! You’re making rhymes like these four freaks!
You’re copying the funny way they speak!
OLD FARMER JONES
And so are you, you funny little mutt!
It makes me want to kick you in your butt!
(They all break apart and start to float around, spinning as they do so.)
MILDRETH LIND
We all are in some sort of magic spell!
HILLA SIGISMUND
We’re floating in an evil magic hell!
BROMWYN WALDGRAVE
I hear the ringing of an ancient bell!
OSRIC EDELSON
Oh, hearken to its awful, death-like knell!
(Suddenly the four ANGLO-SAXONS faint onto the floor, and lie there unconscious. TUFFY and OLD FARMER JONES snap out of their spell.)
OLD FARMER JONES
What in the name of all that’s holy is going on?
TUFFY
I suspect they’re time travellers from the eleventh century. Anglo Saxon peasants.
OLD FARMER JONES
Time travellers?
TUFFY
One of them mentioned mouldy mushrooms. Could be hallucinogenic, or possibly we’re hallucinating.
OLD FARMER JONES
Whatever. I’m sending them out to the lean-to on the side of the barn. They can sleep it off there. (to the ANGLO-SAXONS)
Hey! HEY! (they stir) You can’t sleep in here! Come with me!
(The sleepy, besotted ANGLO-SAXONS follow OLD FARMER JONES offstage, with TUFFY helping to herd them. FRANK and BETTY ANGEL go downstage.)
FRANK ANGEL
What the heck was that?
BETTY ANGEL
Some sort of time-space warp, I suppose.
FRANK ANGEL
I get the feeling this is all being arranged by you-know-who.
BETTY ANGEL
You mean the Higher Power?
FRANK ANGEL
Of course I mean the Higher Power! Who else would transport thousand-year-old Anglo-Saxons into a Canadian barn?
BETTY ANGEL
(looking offstage)
Uh oh. It’s that poor newlywed girl!
(BETTY and FRANK withdraw as SLOAN MORTON enters.)
SLOAN MORTON
Why oh why did I agree to marry Cubby! He’s a beastly little fellow who cares nothing for my heart! All he wants is carnal pleasure! And now I’m trapped in this awful barn full of all sorts of horrible creatures!
(CUBBY MORTON enters. He’s cold from wandering around outside.)
CUBBY MORTON
I say, Sloan, it’s damned cold out there. Won’t you let me join you in the stall?
SLOAN MORTON
No, Cubby. You’ve been a beast, and I don’t want to be your wife anymore.
CUBBY MORTON
But Sloan, “til death do us part”, remember?
SLOAN MORTON
It’s no use, Cubby!
CUBBY MORTON
(approaching SLOAN tentatively)
But you mean the world to me, Sloan!
SLOAN MORTON
Oh, Cubby, if only I could believe you!
(HANK GRISSEL enters.)
HANK GRISSEL
Well, say, what have we here! This fella givin’ ya a bad time, lil’ lady?
CUBBY MORTON
(facing HANK)
This is no affair of yours, my good man!
HANK GRISSEL
Ah ain’t good, and ah don’t take kindly to some lil’ cow turd sayin’ ah am!
CUBBY MORTON
(starting to bob and dance, raising his fists like a nineteenth century boxer)
I must insist that you behave politely in front of Sloan, or I will have to resort to fisticuffs!
HANK GRISSEL
Ya talk like a girl!
SLOAN MORTON
He’s awfully big, Cubby!
CUBBY MORTON
(still bobbing and weaving)
Come along, my bovine friend. We’ll settle this outside!
HANK GRISSEL
The hell we will! An’ ah ain’t yore friend!
(HANK walks up to the weaving CUBBY and slams a single blow into him, sending CUBBY down hard.)
HANK GRISSEL
Ah warned the lil’ gopher!
SLOAN MORTON
(running to CUBBY)
Cubby! Get away from him, you vile bully!
HANK GRISSEL
Ah don’t know what “vile” means, lady, but ah expects it’s got somethin’ to do with me bein’ real good lookin’! Now, I got business to attend to in them stalls!
(HANK exits.)
SLOAN MORTON
Cubby! Oh, Cubby! What am I to do with you!
(HANK enters dragging BUNKY THE CLOWN, with BOBBIE-JO TAKKER close behind with her handgun.)
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
Hank! Hank! You let him go, you hear!
HANK GRISSEL
Ah ain’t takin’ no more crap from no one! Ah don’t care if ya shoots me, Bobbi-jo. Ah’m throwin’ this here clown off a cliff!
BUNKY THE CLOWN
(flopping about)
I don’t mind your fists, big Hank. It’s your breath that really gets to me! Hyuk, yuk, har, har, har!
HANK GRISSEL
Why, you varmint! Y’all laughed at me again!
(HANK drags BUNKY towards the exit.)
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
(following)
Bunky! Ah told ya! Don’t laugh at Hank! It makes him git all ornery, and that means I’m gonna have to shoot him!
BUNKY THE CLOWN
(flopping)
I can’t help but laugh, darling Bobbie-Jo! It’s in my blood! Har, har, har, yukkety, yuk!
(HANK, BUNKY, and BOBBIE-JO exit.)
SLOAN MORTON
Help! Police! Oh, what a catastrophic turn things have taken!
CUBBY MORTON
(recovering)
Sloan! Is that you, my dear?
SLOAN MORTON
Yes, Cubby. You’ve taken a royal beating from that ape-man! Let me help you to our stall.
(SLOAN helps CUBBY up.)
CUBBY MORTON
Our stall? Sloan, do you mean you’ll let us bunk together?
SLOAN MORTON
(dropping CUBBY unceremoniously)
Oh, Cubby! You’ve spoiled everything again!
(SLOAN rushes off, leaving him as the NOBRAYNIANS enter, marching formally, which involves hopping first on one foot, then on the other.)
SERGEANT BORLOFFA-TOFFANOFF
Left, left, left, left, right, right, right, right, CEASE!
(They snap to attention.)
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
(pointing at CUBBY)
You!
CUBBY MORTON
Me?
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
I have decided to resume invasion! Need more troops! You are now Nobraynian soldier! Sergeant!
SERGEANT BORLOFFA-TOFFANOFF
(to the other soldiers)
Take him!
CORPORAL DOBBITO VINITO and PRIVATE LEMMINSKI TIKKITOVA
We take!
(They grab CUBBY by the arms.)
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
Bring him!
CUBBY MORTON
Who are you? What invasion!
SERGEANT BORLOFFA-TOFFANOFF
You will be shutting your hole!
(The NOBRAYNIANS drag CUBBY offstage. FRANK and BETTY ANGEL go downstage.)
BETTY ANGEL
Let’s see. An old farmer and his neurotic dog, foreign soldiers, elves, reindeer, four Anglo-Saxons, newly-weds, cowboys, and a clown. What do they all have in common?
FRANK and BETTY
(together)
Hmmmmmmmmm.
Tuffy’s Christmas Tale by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 7:
(There is a sustained whining noise that grows in intensity, until the four ALIENS from Gingivitis spin onstage and collapse in a heap, much like the ANGLO-SAXONS in the previous scene. FRANK and BETTY retreat upstage.)
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
(untangling himself from the heap)
Space Co-pilot Mento! Space Co-pilot Mento! Extricate yourself! Extricate. Extricate.
(SPACE COMMNDER MENTO extricates herself.)
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Your extrication is acknowledged. I repeat: acknowledged. Need I say more?
SPACE CO-PILOT MENTO
I am extricated, Space Commander Altoid!
(SPACE NAVIGATOR TICTAC has his arms and legs wrapped around SPACE COMMANDER CERT.)
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Space Navigator Tictac, release the torso. Release the torso. Release the torso.
(SPACE NAVIGATOR TICTAC unwraps his arms and legs and stands. SPACE MECHANIC CERT also stands.)
SPACE NAVIGATOR TICTAC
Torso released, Space Commander Altoid. Torso released.
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
All extrication and torso releasing is now terminated. Terminated. Is this clear?
THE OTHER GINGIVITINS
Clear! Clear! Clear!
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Space Co-pilot Mento! Prognosis! Prognosis, Mento! You read?
SPACE CO-PILOT MENTO
Prognosis poor. Pod damaged. Gravity suck. High suckage.
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Gravity suckage. Check. Thus, headlong plunge of pod into planet. Thus, damage.
SPACE CO-PILOT MENTO
Thus.
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Space Mechanic Cert! Assess damage to pod. Damage. Assess now.
SPACE MECHANIC CERT
Left space-lung collapsed. Right space-lung collapsed. Space-lungs inoperable. No thrust.
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Space-lungs inoperable. No thrust. Thus, stuck.
SPACE MECHANIC CERT
Thus.
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Space Navigator Tictac! Report location! Locate! Locate! Now, Tictac.
SPACE NAVIGATOR TICTAC
(1) Nearest gas ball identity: wait, wait, wait…SUN! (2) Satellite identity: wait, wait, wait…EARTH! (3) Composite synthesis…composite synthesis…wait…wait…Pod on third planet from the Sun!
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Earth. Third planet from Sun. Pod on Earth. Space-lung malfunction. Gravity suckage. Stuck. On Earth.
SPACE CO-PILOT MENTO
Request permission to suicide.
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Denied.
SPACE MECHANIC CERT
Attempt repair of space-lungs?
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Negative. No cortex.
SPACE NAVIGATOR TICTAC
Emergency transposer corrupt.
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Corrupt? Thus, no rescue.
CERT, MENTO, TICTAC
Bleak.
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Bleak. Suggestions? Now!
SPACE CO-PILOT MENTO
Dance?
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Proceed.
(MENTO dances.)
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Inadequate!
(MENTO stops dancing.)
SPACE MECHANIC CERT
Joke?
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Proceed.
SPACE MECHANIC CERT
Buk! Buk! Buk! What am I?
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
(after a moment of contemplative silence)
Not funny.
SPACE NAVIGATOR TICTAC
Song?
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Proceed.
SPACE NAVIGATOR TICTAC
Love lift us up where we belong
Where the eagles cry, on a mountain high…
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Shut up.
SPACE NAVIGATOR TICTAC
(stopping song)
Song aborted.
SPACE MECHANIC CERT
(holding temples)
Cranium buzz! Cranium buzz! Entities approaching!
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Action stations! Action stations! Tout suite! WooWooooWooWoooo!
(The GINGIVITINS hustle around the stage spasmodically, in weird jerking motions, then freeze like statues in odd poses. OLD FARMER JONES and TUFFY enter.)
TUFFY
Oh, boy, statues!
(TUFFY goes up to SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID and cocks her leg as if to urinate.)
OLD FARMER JONES
Tuffy! How many times have I told you! Not in the barn!
TUFFY
(uncocking leg)
Awwwww!
OLD FARMER JONES
(going up to SPACE NAVIGATOR TICTAC)
Where the heck did these come from?
(OLD FARMER JONES pokes a finger into SPACE NAVIGATOR TICTAC’s ribs)
OLD FARMER JONES
Feels like they’re made of styrofoam.
TUFFY
(sniffing SPACE CO-PILOT MENTO’s feet)
This one’s feet smell like tomato juice.
OLD FARMER JONES
(going to SPACE MECHANIC CERT)
This one’s sorta cute. Reminds me of Gladys.
TUFFY
Maybe they’re Christmas presents.
OLD FARMER JONES
From who?
TUFFY
Dog.
OLD FARMER JONES
Dog?
TUFFY
Yeah, “Dog”. You know, “god” spelled backwards!
OLD FARMER JONES
Is that a joke?
TUFFY
No.
OLD FARMER JONES
Is it a spiritual riddle?
TUFFY
Riddle-me, riddle-me,
Riddle-me-ree,
Perhaps you can tell
What this riddle may be:
As deep as a house,
As round as a cup,
And all the King’s horses
Cannot draw it up.
(OLD FARMER JONES scratches his chin in puzzlement.)
TUFFY
Well? What’s the answer?
OLD FARMER JONES
I give up.
TUFFY
The spaceship that crashed outside the barn!
(The four GINGIVITINS come to life and with odd spasmodity, lurch at the farmer and dog, making odd robotic noises. ALTOID holds TUFFY’s hands; MENTO holds TUFFY’s feet. TICTAC holds JONES’s hands. CERT hold’s JONES’s feet. The farmer and dog dangle like living hammocks, immobilized.)
SPACE CO-PILOT MENTO
Earthlings immobilized, Space Commander Altoid.
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Immobilized. Jolly good. Set down Earthlings for study.
(They set the EARTHLINGS down.)
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Probe Earthlings. Probe. Probe.
MENTO, TICTAC, and CERT
(probing the EARTHLINGS with their fingers in weird ways)
Probing. Probing. Probing. Probing. Probing. Probing.
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Cease probe.
(they cease)
Report. Report. Report.
SPACE CO-PILOT MENTO
Meat. Bone. Brain. Blood.
SPACE MECHANIC CERT
Liver, spleen, tumtum, Guts.
SPACE NAVIGATOR TICTAC
Lungs.
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Lungs? Lungs? Re-probe! Immediatement!
(The three other GINGIVITINS probe industriously.)
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Cease probe! Lung report! Lung report!
MENTO, TICTAC, and CERT
Lungs. Lungs. Lungs. Lungs. Yes. Yes. Yes. Lungs.
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Space Mechanic Cert, recommendation.
SPACE MECHANIC CERT
Extract lungs. Extract and attach to pod. Propulsion unit replacement.
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Agreed. Extract. Extract Earthling lungs. Attach to pod. Alternative to space-lungs.
MENTO, TICTAC, and CERT
Thrust! Thrust! Thrust!
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Yes. Thrust. But enough?
(pondering)
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.
MENTO, TICTAC, and CERT
(pondering)
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
(While they are pondering, OLD FARMER JONES and TUFFY recover and run offstage.)
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Cease pondering!
MENTO, TICTAC, and CERT
Pondering ceased, Space Commander Altoid!
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Earthling exit noted. Recovery operation, please.
MENTO, TICTAC, and CERT
Recover operation initiated!
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Thus!
(At this command, the GINGIVITINS spasmodically move about, and exit in pursuit of the two frightened EARTHLINGS. FRANK and BETTY ANGEL go downstage.)
FRANK ANGEL
I am so confused!
BETTY ANGEL
Tell me about it!
FRANK ANGEL
I mean, now we’re talking entities from another galaxy!
BETTY ANGEL
First, we get cast out of heaven, then we’re forced to witness a host of violent and confused encounters.
FRANK ANGEL
And now we have a close encounter of the third kind.
BETTY ANGEL
So where do we go from here?
FRANK ANGEL
You mean it’s time to take action?
BETTY ANGEL
I think so.
FRANK ANGEL
But what kind of action?
BETTY ANGEL
Wait. I’m getting a message.
(holding her temples)
It’s from up there.
FRANK ANGEL
Heaven above?
BETTY ANGEL Yes. It’s saying…
FRANK ANGEL
What? What?
BETTY ANGEL
“Trust your heart”. That’s it. Just “trust your heart”.
FRANK ANGEL
That’s all? Trust your heart? We’ve got to sort out this mess and all they give us is a corny cliché?
BETTY ANGEL
Better than nothing, I guess. Hey, someone’s coming!
(BETTY and FRANK withdraw.)
Tuffy’s Christmas Tale by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 8:
(JACOB S. CLAUS and RACHEL CLAUS enter.)
RACHEL CLAUS
I don’t see why we have to go snooping around this lonely old barn, Jacob!
JACOB S. CLAUS
We’ve looked everywhere else.
RACHEL CLAUS
I guess, but I don’t think the elves and reindeer would come here. I mean, they’re party animals. They like lights, laughter, booze. You know, good times!
JACOB S. CLAUS
Booze only creates the illusion of a good time, Rachel.
RACHEL CLAUS
Don’t lecture! I’ve been dry for three hundred years.
JACOB S. CLAUS
I’m proud of you, honey.
RACHEL CLAUS
It hasn’t been easy, what with all the trouble in the workshop.
JACOB S. CLAUS
Don’t start with me, Rachel!
RACHEL CLAUS
You’d think you could keep a bunch of elves and reindeer under control.
JACOB S. CLAUS
It’s harder than it looks.
RACHEL CLAUS
And then the last four of them take off two days before the big delivery.
JACOB S. CLAUS
They’re unreliable.
RACHEL CLAUS
You should have chained them to the work benches and reindeer stalls.
JACOB S. CLAUS
They’re not slaves, you know.
RACHEL CLAUS
Well, maybe they should be.
JACOB S. CLAUS
Slavery is immoral and illegal.
RACHEL CLAUS
Even for mythological creatures?
JACOB S. CLAUS
Especially for mythological creatures. Try to be reasonable, honey.
RACHEL CLAUS
I’m exhausted, I need a shower, I’ve still got three million gifts to wrap and you tell me to be reasonable!
JACOB S. CLAUS
I wish we could find them.
RACHEL CLAUS
Well we can’t so we might as well give up on the whole deal.
JACOB S. CLAUS
If we could find them, we’d be able to do the delivery, no problem.
RACHEL CLAUS
I don’t know. It’s ten thirty on Christmas Eve, Jacob.
JACOB S. CLAUS
We’re cutting it close to the bone, that’s for sure.
RACHEL CLAUS
How’d we ever get into this racket?
JACOB S. CLAUS
I can’t even remember anymore. I think it had something to do with angels.
RACHEL CLAUS
Oh yeah! Those two angels! Gosh, it’s a long time ago now.
JACOB S. CLAUS
Must be what, two thousand years or so?
RACHEL CLAUS
Something like that.
JACOB S. CLAUS
They told us to start giving gifts to strangers.
RACHEL CLAUS
And we’ve been doing it ever since.
JACOB S. CLAUS
At first, it was just a few little things, like loaves of bread and a few fishes.
RACHEL CLAUS
And then it got to be more and more things.
JACOB S. CLAUS
Until we had to hire help.
RACHEL CLAUS
And all those elves and reindeer applied for jobs with us.
JACOB S. CLAUS
And we had to start delivering gifts to other neighbourhoods…
RACHEL CLAUS
Other countries…
JACOB S. CLAUS
Then all around the world.
RACHEL CLAUS
Things got out of hand.
JACOB S. CLAUS
The elves and reindeer got stressed.
RACHEL CLAUS
We were making gifts all day every day.
JACOB S. CLAUS
More and more stuff.
RACHEL CLAUS
And less and less space.
JACOB S. CLAUS
Less and less peace and less and less love.
RACHEL CLAUS
And the elves and reindeer started drinking…
JACOB S. CLAUS
And missing work.
RACHEL CLAUS
And the whole thing just went right out of control.
JACOB S. CLAUS
Now here we are, in this old barn in the middle of nowhere…
RACHEL CLAUS
…looking for our last two elves and last two reindeer.
JACOB S. CLAUS
On Christmas Eve.
RACHEL CLAUS
Looks like there’s not going to be any gifts for anyone on Christmas morning.
JACOB S. CLAUS
Looks like the whole show’s over.
RACHEL CLAUS
Finished. Done. Kaputski. Over and out.
JACOB S. CLAUS
What’s all that noise?
RACHEL CLAUS
Let’s skedaddle into the background!
(RACHEL and JACOB retreat into the shadows. The GINGIVITINS enter with HANK GRISSEL, whom they are holding tightly. BOBBIE-JO TAKKER and BUNKY THE CLOWN follow them in, along with OLD FARMER JONES and TUFFY.)
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
Y’all saved mah lil’ Bunky the Clown from bein’ hucked offa a cliff!
BUNKY THE CLOWN
I was going to fall down, go boom! Hyuk, yuk, har, har!
TUFFY
Thanks for letting us keep our lungs.
OLD FARMER JONES
We need them to breathe, you see.
HANK GRISSEL
Lemme go, ya stoopid space monkeys! Take that clown instead!
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Do not resist, Earthling. Space Mechanic Cert, probe and report!
SPACE MECHANIC CERT
(probing Hank)
Probing, probing, probing. Report completed.
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Spew data. Spew data. Now.
SPACE MECHANIC CERT
Massive lung thrusters, more than adequate to break free of Earth gravity.
HANK GRISSEL
Say, what’s going on?
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
We will extract your lungs and attach them to our pod.
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
Ain’t that kind of harsh?
HANK GRISSEL
Why not take hers? They’re bigger than mine.
BUNKY THE CLOWN
She’s donated her lungs to me so I can attach them to my clown car! Har, har, har! Hyuk!
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
If ah dies, Bunky gits mah lungs, and that’s final!
TUFFY
“Lung” is a funny-sounding word.
OLD FARMER JONES
Try to stay focused, Tuffy.
SPACE NAVIGATOR TICTAC
Space Commander Altoid, this Earthling is manifesting hypertension.
SPACE CO-PILOT MENTO
Pulmonary irregularity. Possible cardio-vascular collapse!
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Estimated time remaining before massive coronary?
SPACE MECHANIC CERT
Fourteen boojoters, Space Commander Altoid.
HANK GRISSEL
How long’s a “boojoter”?
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
We will await his natural termination, then extract the massive lungs.
MENTO, TICTAC, and CERT
We will wait. Death will come to the Earthling naturally.
HANK GRISSEL
Ah don’t wants ta die!
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
Ah thought ya said ya liked the idea of dyin’!
HANK GRISSEL
Lord, spare me! Ah’m still a young cowboy, an’ ah ain’t through doin’ mean things yet!
(The ANGLO-SAXONS enter.)
OSRIC EDELSON
Now we have come to face the fires of hell.
BROMWYN WALDGRAVE
No longer do we want our mortal shells.
HILLA SIGISMUND
So cast us forth into the awful fire!
MILDRETH LIND
Strange creatures, do with us what you desire!
(The ANGLO-SAXONS bow before the GINGIVITINS.)
MENTO, TICTAC, and CERT
Space Commander Altoid! Vibrations from the past!
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Prognosis?
MENTO, TICTAC, and CERT
(placing hands on temples)
Upheaval of the ninth magnitude.
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
Identify ancient Earthlings.
MENTO, TICTAC, and CERT
Anglo-Saxons of the Eleventh Earth Century.
SPACE COMMANDER ALTOID
What basis for year zero of First Earth Century?
MENTO, TICTAC, and CERT
Supposed birthdate of powerful religious icon.
TUFFY
They’re talking about Christmas.
OLD FARMER JONES
It’s close to midnight.
(The ELVES and REINDEER enter. JACOB and RACHEL emerge from the shadows.)
JACOB S. CLAUS
The Elves!
RACHEL CLAUS
The Reindeer!
TYRELL JUMO
I knew it! They’ve found us!
INDIRA PASHKI
Please don’t be mad at us!
TOFER NORQUIST
Have mercy, Mr. and Mrs. Claus!
GUDRUN HAUPTMEYER
Look at my head! Look at Tofer’s head!
JACOB S. CLAUS
Your antlers!
RACHEL CLAUS
How could you have lost them!
JACOB S. CLAUS
They’re navigational aids!
SPACE NAVIGATOR TICTAC
I am a star navigator third class.
RACHEL and JACOB S. CLAUS
Perhaps we can work something out.
ALL GINGIVITINS
Perhaps we can!
(The NOBRAYNIANS enter with CUBBY.)
MAJOR NOZITO-VALOVA
We made plan to re-invade, but now we demand to surrender again!
SERGEANT BORLOFFA-TOFFANOFF
(pushing CUBBY forward)
We do not want help of funny-talking Canadian man.
CORPORAL DIBBITO-VINITO
He talk too much. His words are poison to sensitive Nobraynian ears.
PRIVATE LEMMINSKI-TIKKITOVA:
Always he complain about broken heart. Is too much.
ALL NOBRAYNIANS
Is sad like story of Bibbi-Nibbi!
(The NOBRAYNIANS break into tears.)
TUFFY
Say, where’s that bride of his?
CUBBY MORTON
I have no right to call her my bride. I’ve been a bit of a cad, you see, trying to weave my spell on her like some sort of evil Svengali intent on seduction.
HANK GRISSEL
Ah’m about to die, and y’all stand around talkin’ in big words like nothin’ was gonna happen!
BOBBIE-JO TAKKER
Shut up, Hank! It’s allus gotta be about you, now don’t it!
(SLOAN MORTON enters.)
SLOAN MORTON
Cubby! I was having the strangest dream in my stall, and suddenly I felt very peaceful, as if I was a snowy field in mid-winter without a single footprint on my perfect surface!
CUBBY MORTON
I’m glad, Sloan, and I’m prepared to see our marriage annulled if you feel that’s what’s best for you.
ALL NOBRAYNIANS
Is too sad!
(The NOBRAYNIANS recommence their wailing.)
OSRIC EDELSON
No longer do we feel the pull of hell.
BROMWYN WALDGRAVE
Instead we feel the hell of life itself.
HILLA SIGISMUND
These lonely lovers speak of love’s demise.
MILDRETH LIND
Such loneliness surrounds our fearful lives.
OSRIC EDELSON
The past and present form a timeless chain.
BROMWYN WALDGRAVE
The links are formed of loneliness and pain.
HILLA SIGISMUND
It makes no difference if we’re here or there.
MILDRETH LIND
For living things, life’s pain is everywhere.
(FRANK and BETTY ANGEL emerge from the shadows and take control.)
BETTY ANGEL
Good creatures! Hearken to us!
FRANK ANGEL
We bring to you tidings of hope.
BETTY ANGEL
Just three words have we to say on this special Christmas day.
FRANK ANGEL
Trust your hearts.
BETTY ANGEL
Trust your hearts.
FRANK and BETTY ANGEL
(together)
Trust your hearts!
(FRANK and BETTY raise their handcuffed arms. The handcuffs fall away.)
(FRANK goes to RACHEL and JACOB S. CLAUS and leads them to the ELVES and REINDEER. They form a tableau, with TYRELL and INDIRA forming a couple, and TOFER and GUDRUN forming a couple.)
FRANK ANGEL
The only gift you need to give is the gift of yourself.
(BETTY goes to the ANGLO-SAXONS and leads them to the GINGIVITINS. They form a tableau in which the GINGIVITINS are interspersed with the ANGLO-SAXONS. HANK GRISSEL sinks to his knees on his own.)
BETTY ANGEL
All living things in time and space are one, forever and eternal.
(FRANK goes to the NOBRAYNIANS. He gets the MAJOR and SERGEANT to join hands, and the CORPORAL and PRIVATE to join hands.)
FRANK ANGEL
The only place you must conquer is the forbidden forest of your own fear.
(BETTY goes to HANK GRISSEL and leads him to BUNKY THE CLOWN and BOBBIE-JO TAKKER.)
BETTY ANGEL
(to HANK)
A soul without a heart cannot live.
(BETTY joins HANK’s hand with BOBBIE-JO’s hand, then speaks to BUNKY.)
BETTY ANGEL
A heart without a soul cannot give.
(BETTY joins BUNKY’s hand with BOBBIE-JO’s hand, then speaks to BOBBIE-JO.)
BETTY ANGEL
A soul that lives has a heart that gives. A heart that gives has a soul that lives.
(FRANK goes to CUBBY MORTON and leads him to SLOAN.)
FRANK ANGEL
If you seek shelter from the storm
In a lowly cattle barn,
Remember two who did the same
Though neither needs to have a name.
(FRANK and BETTY go to each other and join hands.)
BETTY ANGEL
We came with handcuffs on our wrists, forced to be together.
FRANK ANGEL
We leave hand-in-hand, joined together by choice.
BETTY ANGEL
Handcuffs or hands, which do you choose?
JACOB S. CLAUS, RACHEL CLAUS,
(to the ELVES, and REINDEER)
Which do you choose?
ELVES and REINDEER
We’ll stop our fights and go with you!
(JACOB and RACHEL CLAUS and the ELVES and REINDEER exit.)
GINGIVITINS
Anglo-Saxons, should we stay together
In this time and place forever?
ANGLO-SAXONS
Oh yes we should, for any time and place
Doth give us all we need to live with grace.
(The GINGIVITINS and ANGLO-SAXONS exit.)
NOBRAYNIANS
(singing to the tune of their anthem)
Nobraynia! Farewell to you!
Now we know what we must do!
Hand in hand with friends so dear
We’ll face the forest of our fear!
(The NOBRAYNIANS exit.)
HANK, BOBBIE-JO, and BUNKY
(singing to a jaunty melody)
We’re going to join the circus!
We’ll travel wide and far!
BUNKY THE CLOWN
They’ll ride their ponies and do tricks
HANK and BOBBIE-JO
While Bunky drives his car!
BUNKY THE CLOWN
Beep! Beep!
HANK and BOBBIE-JO
While Bunky drives his car!
(HANK, BUNKY, and BOBBIE-JO exit.)
CUBBY and SLOAN
The future now awaits us
CUBBY
As husband…
SLOAN
And as wife.
CUBBY and SLOAN
Out there our child is waiting
For us to give her life.
Our unborn child is waiting
For us to give her life.
(CUBBY and SLOAN exit.)
FRANK ANGEL
Well, that about wraps it up.
BETTY ANGEL
Yep.
FRANK ANGEL
I guess we can go back to heaven now.
BETTY ANGEL
You know something?
FRANK ANGEL
What?
BETTY ANGEL
We’re already there!
FRANK ANGEL
Oh yeah!
(FRANK and BETTY hug, and exit hand in hand.)
OLD FARMER JONES
(stretching as though waking up)
Tuffy, I just had a heck of a dream.
TUFFY
Uh huh.
OLD FARMER JONES
Yeah. There was angels, aliens, armies, you name it, and they were all right here in our barn, figuring out how to live their lives without being all mean and lonely.
TUFFY
Uh huh.
OLD FARMER JONES
You’re a good dog, Tuffy.
TUFFY
Yep.
OLD FARMER JONES
Tuffy…
TUFFY
Yes, Old Farmer Jones?
OLD FARMER JONES
It wasn’t a dream, was it.
TUFFY
You know I’m not going to answer that one.
OLD FARMER JONES
Just thought I’d give it a try.
TUFFY
I’ll tell you one thing, though.
OLD FARMER JONES
What’s that?
TUFFY
I’ll always be your best friend. Guaranteed.
OLD FARMER JONES
Merry Christmas, Tuffy.
TUFFY
Merry Christmas, Farmer Jones.
(They whistle or hum “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” as the lights fade.)
END OF THE PLAY.