Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2008
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 40 minutes
• style: gothic satire
• suitable for general audiences
• 28 characters (24 female, 4 male)
• gender-flexible casting
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Rags for Riches” is a melodrama in which some rotten rags worn by a pair of harmless old women are deemed to have magic powers. Various violent entities try to capture the rags to use them as a source of power. This leads to a chaotic and violent encounter that in turn leads to atonement, redemption, and renewal.
(This play was first performed in April, 2008, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
∗Published Online by Good School Plays, April 4, 2018.
Go to:
Act One, Scene 1
Act One, Scene 2
Act One, Scene 3
Act One, Scene 4
Act One, Scene 5
Act Two, Scene 1
Act Two, Scene 2
CHARACTERS:
The Evil Step-Mama and Her Girls:
MACK ROTWURST
DRIFT WILCOX
SPINNY NORTON
TRICK RIGBY
The No-Good Punks:
PUKE NASH
BUDDY MUNCH
MONDO SILK
JOYBOY HINTON
The Feeble Elderly Ones:
ROSIE GOGGLE
DAFFY FADDOLI
The Adventure-Seeking Girls from Uptown:
CUCKOO SHARP
RUSTY LEGG
BEEBEE CUBBINS
The Innocent Children from Uptown:
CHICK SHARP
HIPPY LEGG
VELVET CUBBINS
The Lady of the Alley and her Bodyguards:
STONE HILL
SAFFIRE DRAGON
EMERALD WOOD
The Disease-Ridden Beggars:
LOU HEARNE
SPIKE LORIMER
SHAKEY RALPH
The Sheriff and Her Deputy:
SHERIFF SPAZZ BINCHUK
DEPUTY JOJO FIZZLE
The Thieves:
NIKI WEASEL
ZIPPER JABBIT
GRENDEL FOX
PINKY PINCH `
SETTING: The crossroads of a downtown alley in the not-too distant future, after an economic collapse.
Rags for Riches by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Prologue
(STONE HILL and her two BODYGUARDS stand at the crossroads of an alley.)
STONE HILL
I am Stone Hill, the Lady of the Alley, standing at the crossroads.
SAFFIRE and EMERALD
The Lady of the Alley.
STONE HILL
The alley is shadows and filth and the folks are poor.
SAFFIRE and EMERALD
Poor folks in the dark and dirty alley.
STONE HILL
Someone must rule and it is me.
SAFFIRE and EMERALD
Our Lady Stone Hill rules.
STONE HILL
The alley threatens but I am only one so I am not strong.
SAFFIRE and EMERALD
Stone must rule but she is only one.
STONE HILL
Something black is happening in the alley.
SAFFIRE DRAGON
Something black.
STONE HILL
If I am to rule, I must act.
EMERALD WOOD
If our Lady is to rule, she must do instead of brood.
STONE HILL
(indicating offstage)
And so, behold the thieves I’ve brought from far away.
SAFFIRE and EMERALD
Cutthroats from some urban hell.
(the THIEVES enter)
STONE HILL
(to the THIEVES)
I am Stone Hill, the Lady of the Alley.
THE THIEVES
So?
STONE HILL
You must help me save the folks of this alley.
NIKI WEASEL
Why should we?
STONE HILL
I will reward you.
ZIPPER JABBIT
What can you give us?
GRENDEL FOX
We won’t work for rat meat.
PINKY PINCH
Give us guns, your honour.
STONE HILL
I’ll give you something better than guns.
THE THIEVES
What?
STONE HILL
Life instead of Death.
SAFFIRE and EMERALD
She offers you life.
THE THIEVES
Done.
STONE HILL
Give them the staffs.
(The BODYGUARDS give each THIEF a stout wooden staff to use as a weapon.)
STONE HILL
Go to the old warehouse down the alley and learn to fight with those staffs.
ZIPPER JABBIT
You want us to be warriors?
STONE HILL
Yes. When you think you know how, come back to this crossroad.
NIKE WEASEL
And if we don’t come back?
STONE HILL
Then you will die before tomorrow’s gray and dismal dawn.
(The THIEVES exit.)
SAFFIRE DRAGON
Now you have an army of sorts, your Ladyship.
STONE HILL
Yes, Saffire, I have an army.
EMERALD WOOD
An army of thieves, if they don’t steal those staffs and run away.
STONE HILL
Yes, an army of thieves, Emerald, but an army of thieves is better than no army at all.
SAFFIRE and MAHAGONY
An army of thieves is better than no army at all.
STONE HILL
I will rest. Then I will decide what to do. Come.
(STONE and her BODYGUARDS exit.)
Rags for Riches by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 1:
(The SHERIFF and her DEPUTY enter, doing their beat in the alley.)
JOJO FIZZLE
I hate this stinking alley, Sheriff.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
Yuh-huh. Alley stinks, Deputy Jojo.
JOJO FIZZLE
Stinking alley. Gonna be lotsa bad tonight.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
Yuh-huh. Lotsa bad, Jojo.
JOJO FIZZLE
The Lady of the Alley should give us guns.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
No go, Jojo. The baddies kill for guns.
JOJO FIZZLE
Not if we kill ‘em first.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
And when you run outta bullets?
JOJO FIZZLE
Oh yeah.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
There’s two of us, but tons of baddies.
JOJO FIZZLE
Not enough bullets to kill ‘em all.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
You run outta bullets, then they kill you.
JOJO FIZZLE
God, I’d be dead, eh?
SPAZZ BINCHUK
Ya, dead. But now you not dead ‘cause you don’t got a gun.
JOJO FIZZLE
Don’t want one now, Sheriff Binchuk.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
Good. You good now, Jojo. And Jojo, our Lady’s got an army now.
JOJO FIZZLE
Thieves. Don’t trust ‘em.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
An army of thieves is better than no army at all.
(The FEEBLE ELDERLY ONES enter.)
ROSIE GOGGLE
(cupping her ear to hear)
Eh? Eh? Whatsat ya say, Spazz Binchuk?
SPAZZ BINCHUK
Jojo’s good ‘cause she don’t got a gun.
ROSIE GOGGLE
My daddy had a gun as long as yer trousers, Sheriff.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
I know, I know. A long time ago, Rosie Goggle.
ROSIE GOGGLE
He sold it to a cowboy.
DAFFY FADDOLI
When’s the kitchen open, Sheriff Binchuk?
SPAZZ BINCHUK
Dunno.
JOJO FIZZLE
Not much in the way of food, Daffy.
DAFFY FADDOLI
What am I spozed ta do, starve?
JOJO FIZZLE
Get used to it, Daffy.
ROSIE GOGGLE
Daffy, we need bread, right?
DAFFY FADDOLI
Oh, yeah, we need it, Rosie.
ROSIE GOGGLE
So whaddaya say, Sheriff: when’s the kitchen gonna open?
SPAZZ BINCHUK
I told you I dunno.
JOJO FIZZLE
They don’t listen, Sheriff.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
Too old.
DAFFY FADDOLI
I scared, Sheriff.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
How come?
DAFFY FADDOLI
I old and got no muscles.
ROSIE GOGGLE
She can’t fight the baddies, Spazz.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
Keep away from them.
DAFFY FADDOLI
Not easy. They want my rags.
JOJO FIZZLE
What the hell for, Daffy?
DAFFY FADDOLI
‘Spoze they could wash ‘em and make a blanket.
ROSIE GOGGLE
The baddies say, “Gimme your rags” and me and Daffy run away.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
Good. You two run from the baddies.
DAFFY FADDOLI
But we old and cannot run more ‘n a block, maybe two.
ROSIE GOGGLE
What if the baddies catch us and pull off our rags?
DAFFY FADDOLI
What if they make us naked?
ROSIE GOGGLE
Old and naked, Sheriff. Think of it.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
Yuh-huh. I’m thinking of it.
JOJO FIZZLE
And it ain’t pretty.
ROSIE GOGGLE
We was young and smooth once, numb-nuts.
JOJO FIZZLE
Watch yer mouth, Rosie Google.
ROSIE GOGGLE
Or what? You gonna kick me with them big black boots?
JOJO FIZZLE
I might just.
DAFFY FADDOLI
Ain’t you the deputy?
JOJO FIZZLE
You can see that, Daffy, by my rags.
DAFFY FADDOLI
Then save them boots for the baddies.
JOJO FIZZLE
You back talk and I boot you bad.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
Desist, Jojo. You wastin’ energy on old folks.
JOJO FIZZLE
Yah. Gotta save it for the baddies.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
Time ta walk on down the alley.
ROSIE GOGGLE
What about our rags?
DAFFY FADDOLI
The baddies want our rags.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
Stay in the shadows and hide your stink.
DAFFY FADDOLI
How?
JOJO FIZZLE
Roll in the muck so ya don’t smell like stale sweat.
ROSIE GOGGLE
You spozed ta be our shield Sheriff.
DAFFY FADDOLI
You spozed ta block the baddies.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
This alley’s long and fulla crap of all kinds.
JOJO FIZZLE
Me and Sheriff Binchuk gotta do it all.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
Just stay in the shadows if you don’t wanna be naked.
ROSIE GOGGLE
Ain’t you gonna help us?
SPAZZ BINCHUK
We go tell the Lady of the Alley all about yer rags and them baddies, okay? Come on, Jojo.
(SHERIFF BINCHIK and JOJO exit.)
DAFFY FADDOLI
Sheriff wants us in the shadows. That’s like death.
ROSIE GOGGLE
Ya. Black death. We soon to be nothin’ but muck.
Rags for Riches by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 2:
(The NO-GOOD PUNKS run in and surround the ELDERLY ONES. BUDDY has a sack into which the PUNKS hope to stuff the rags of the ELDERLY ONES.)
PUKE NASH
Give us yer rags!
BUDDY MUNCH
Give us or die!
JOYBOY HINTON
Step outta them pants and take off them coats!
MONDO SILK
Pull ‘em off and throw ‘em in the muck!
ROSIE GOGGLE
These rags is rotten, boys.
DAFFY FADDOLI
You don’t want no rotten rags.
PUKE NASH
This ain’t a debate.
BUDDY MUNCH
Give us yer rags!
JOYBOY HINTON
Do we got to pull ‘em off ya?
MONDO SILK
With our bare hands?
ROSIE GOGGLE
Easy, boys, easy.
DAFFY FADDOLI
Why kill for rags?
BUDDY MUNCH
This ain’t a debate.
PUKE NASH
Joyboy, Mondo: hold ‘em while me an’ Buddy tear off them rags.
JOYBOY HINTON
I don’t wanna hold ‘em, Puke.
MONDO SILK
They stink, Puke, like poison.
ROSIE GOGGLE
Our rags stink too!
DAFFY FADDOLI
You don’t want no stinking rags!
BUDDY MUNCH
What now, Puke?
JOYBOY HINTON
What now?
PUKE NASH
Stink don’t make no difference. We all stink. This is the alley.
(PUKE goes to ROSIE and DAFFY cautiously and grabs them by the collars of their coats.)
PUKE NASH
See? I’m holding the rags and I’m still standin’!
JOYBOY HINTON
You got guts, Puke.
MONDO SILK
You holdin’ the rags and still standin’!
DAFFY FADDOLI
You fellas talk like our rags is poison.
ROSIE GOGGLE
You so scared of our rags, why you want ‘em?
PUKE NASH
(letting go of ROSIE and DAFFY and backing away from them and looking at his hands)
My mitts is doin’ somethin’ weird.
BUDDY MUNCH
What’s wrong, Puke?
(PUKE’s hands rise to his own throat and start to choke him.)
PUKE NASH
Agghhhhh!
BUDDY MUNCH
Puke! Puke!
(BUDDY runs to PUKE and pulls his hands away from his throat. PUKE’S hands now grab BUDDY by the throat.)
JOYBOY HINTON
Puke’s killin’ Buddy!
MONDO SILK
Gotta save Buddy, Joyboy!
ROSIE GOGGLE
Run, Daffy, run fer the shadows!
(MONDO and JOYBOY pull PUKE off BUDDY. The ELDERLY ONES exit post haste. PUKE’s hands finally settle down. BUDDY is gasping from the attack.)
PUKE NASH
(looking at his hands)
Them rags made my mitts inta monsters, fellas.
JOYBOY HINTON
Them old women is gone inta the shadows, Puke.
PUKE NASH
Let ‘em go, Joyboy. We got to find another way.
MONDO SILK
Maybe it ain’t worth it, Puke.
PUKE NASH
Old lady Rotwurst is gonna give us a gun for them rags, Mondo.
JOYBOY HINTON
But how we gonna get ‘em off them old women, Puke?
PUKE NASH
There’s gotta be a way, Joyboy.
BUDDY MUNCH
(rubbing his sore neck)
My neck, Puke. I think maybe it’s broke.
PUKE NASH
If it was broke you’d be all flop-a-doodle or dead, Buddy.
MONDO SILK
I don’t like it, Puke. Them rags is magic or somethin’.
PUKE NASH
Funny how them women can wear those rags without chokin’ themselves.
JOYBOY HINTON
They got some sorta protection.
BUDDY MUNCH
I’m hungry, Puke. We ain’t had nothin’ to eat fer two days.
MONDO SILK
Let’s go steal some rat meat from the kitchen, Puke.
PUKE NASH
Yeah, if they got any. Then we’ll figure out how to get them rags off those stinking old women.
(PUKE and the NO-GOOD PUNKS exit.)
Rags for Riches by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 3:
(The DISEASE-RIDDEN BEGGARS enter, moving with pain and moaning.)
LOU HEARNE
Ugggghhh! Stones in my belly and needles in my brain!
SPIKE LORIMER
Scabs and sores and pus and blood!
SHAKEY RALPH
Legs like rancid sausage meat, and arms like dead snakes.
LOU HEARNE
I suck breath somehow into my bloody lungs and the filthy air burns and burns.
SPIKE LORIMER
Burning eyeballs and bleeding ears!
SHAKEY RALPH
Belly roars and rumbles and bubbles and boils.
LOU HEARNE
We should be dead. Why do we go on?
SPIKE LORIMER
A joke on us, perhaps: a cruel jest by the vile gods who rule this cesspool of an alley.
SHAKEY RALPH
We should be dead, by god, but the awful seconds drag our raw bodies over the spikey broken glass of time.
LOU HEARNE
(seeing the ADVENTURE-SEEKING GIRLS approaching in the distance)
Three angels! Look, my dear beggars! They’ll take us to heaven.
SPIKE LORIMER
(seeing the GIRLS in the distance)
Hope at last! See how they carry themselves with such health and vigour?
SHAKEY RALPH
(also seeing the GIRLS)
They will put us on their backs and haul us over to the land of candies and good drugs!
(The ADVENTURE-SEEKING GIRLS FROM UPTOWN enter.)
RUSTY LEGG
Look, Cuckoo. Beggars.
BEEBEE CUBBINS
Ewwwww! Don’t go near them, Rusty.
CUCKOO SHARP
I told you we’d see beggars.
RUSTY LEGG
I gonna touch one.
(RUSTY steps towards LOU, but BEEBEE stops her.)
BEEBEE CUBBINS
Don’t, Rusty. You’ll get scabs.
CUCKOO SHARP
Shut up, Beebee. Go ahead and touch, Rusty.
RUSTY LEGG
I gonna.
(RUSTY puts a finger on the cringing SHAKEY, then jumps back.)
BEEBEE CUBBINS
Ewwwwwww!
RUSTY LEGG
It was soft and hot.
CUCKOO SHARP
(to SHAKEY)
You want a bun?
SHAKEY RALPH
A bun?
CUCKOO SHARP
You want one?
SHAKEY RALPH
What is it?
BEEBEE CUBBINS
It don’t know what a bun is, Cuckoo.
CUCKOO SHARP
Shut up, Beebee.
LOU HEARNE
Take us to Candyland!
SPIKE LORMIER
Give us the good drugs!
RUSTY LEGG
It thinks drugs are good.
CUCKOO SHARP
That’s funny.
BEEBEE CUBBINS
This is bad. Let’s go, Cuckoo.
CUCKOO SHARP
I’m sick of you, Beebee.
LOU HEARNE
Angels don’t get sick.
CUCKOO SHARP
What’s that?
LOU HEARNE
Angels. Be my angel, Cuckoo.
SPIKE LORMIER
Mine too! Mine too!
(LOU and SPIKE supplicate themselves before CUCKOO.)
RUSTY LEGG
They think you’re god, Cuckoo.
CUCKOO SHARP
I am, compared to them.
SHAKEY RALPH
I got touched!
SPIKE LORIMER
Give us the good drugs!
BEEBEE CUBBINS
Shut up about that, you dirty thing.
CUCKOO SHARP
(grabbing BEEBEE and throwing her down)
I’m sick of you.
BEEBEE CUBBINS
(getting up)
Don’t push, Cuckoo.
RUSTY LEGG
Cuckoo’s gonna clock you, Beebee.
CUCKOO SHARP
You go back uptown, Beebee.
BEEBEE CUBBINS
By my lonesome?
CUCKOO SHARP
By your lonesome.
BEEBEE CUBBINS
No, Cuckoo. I’ll be good.
SPIKE LORMIER
Give us the good drugs!
RUSTY LEGG
They want pain-killers, Cuckoo.
CUCKOO SHARP
(to the BEGGARS)
Don’t got no pain-killers, ‘cept for my cramps.
RUSTY LEGG
She don’t share her cramp drugs.
LOU HEARNE
(to the GIRLS)
You not angels.
CUCKOO SHARP
We from Uptown. We come down to look at youse.
LOU HEARNE
What do you see, Uptown girl?
CUCKOO SHARP
Death.
BEEBEE CUMMINS
Don’t, Cuckoo.
CUCKOO SHARP
I see Death.
(CUCKOO takes out a knife)
See this? It’s Death too.
SPIKE LORIMER
Kill the pain!
CUCKOO SHARP
(brandishing the knife and closing on SPIKE with menace)
I could, with this.
RUSTY LEGG
Cuckoo says a knife in the alley is a good drug.
CUCKOO SHARP
A knife kills the pain.
SHAKEY RALPH
Touch me with the knife, angel!
(CUCKOO goes to SHAKEY and holds the knife toward her.)
BEEBEE CUMMINS
Don’t, Cuckoo. We not here for Death.
CUCKOO SHARP
Who says?
BEEBEE CUMMINS
You said only for adventure, not Death.
CUCKOO SHARP
Death’s an adventure.
RUSTY LEGG
You know where to stab, Cuckoo.
CUCKOO SHARP
In the heart.
BEEBEE CUMMINS
God, Cuckoo.
CUCKOO SHARP
Yeah, god, Beebee. You said it.
RUSTY LEGG
Cuckoo’s kind of god, eh, Beebee?
BEEBEE CUMMINS
She’s got the knife.
LOU HEARNE
Put it in her heart, then.
SPIKE LORIMER
Make it a good drug, Cuckoo.
SHAKEY RALPH
I’m ready.
CUCKOO SHARP
Then I’m not.
(She moves away from SHAKEY.)
LOU HEARNE
You’re no angel.
CUCKOO SHARP
I told you we’re from Uptown.
RUSTY LEGG
We come down to look at youse.
BEEBEE CUBBINS
Let’s go, Cuckoo.
CUCKOO SHARP
(closing in on BEEBEE with the knife)
You’re nothin’ but pain, Beebee. Want me to kill it?
BEEBEE CUBBINS
Maybe I get a knife.
CUCKOO SHARP
Yeah, my knife in your heart.
LOU HEARNE
(to the other two BEGGARS)
They not angels. We go find some rubbish to eat.
SPIKE LORIMER
Into our burning guts goes the rubbish.
SHAKEY RALPH
Rubbish in our guts and pain.
(The BEGGARS lurch off and exit.)
RUSTY LEGG
What now, Cuckoo?
CUCKOO SHARP
Further down the alley then back again.
BEEBEE CUBBINS
Wanna go home.
CUCKOO SHARP
So go.
BEEBEE CUBBINS
Not alone.
CUCKOO SHARP
Then shut up and drag along.
RUSTY LEGG
You so weak, Beebee.
BEEBEE CUBBINS
One day I get a knife.
RUSTY LEGG
In your heart.
(The three UPTOWN GIRLS exit.)
Rags for Riches by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 4:
(The ELDERLY ONES enter.)
ROSIE GOGGLE
Why do the baddies want our rags? Why?
DAFFY FADDOLI
You saw Puke’s hands, Rosie.
ROSIE GOGGLE
He was just foolin’ with us.
DAFFY FADDOLI
Puke touched yer rags, then his hands was stranglin’ Buddy and it weren’t for laughs.
ROSIE GOGGLE
My rags is touchin’ me all over, but I ain’t stranglin’ you.
DAFFY FADDOLI
That don’t change what happened to Puke. We got to hide in the shadows some more.
ROSIE GOGGLE
Got to wear these rags or die naked in the alley.
DAFFY FADDOLI
Can’t let no one take our rags.
(DADDY and ROSIE exit. The EVIL STEP-MAMA and her DAUGHTERS enter.)
MACK ROTWURST
Where’s those no-good punks? I want them rags and now!
DRIFT WILCOX
Who gets to use them rags, old Step-mama?
MACK ROTWURST
(pointing to each DAUGHTER in turn)
There’s gonna be enough for you and you and you.
TRICK RIGBY
Maybe I gonna chew the rag, old Step-Mama; yeah, chew on the rag when I get it.
SPINNY NORTON
What about you, old Step-mama?
MACK ROTWURST
I reckon there’s gonna be a scrap of rag for me too.
DRIFT WILCOX
You touch my bit of rag, Spinny, and I’ll puke on your head.
SPINNY NORTON
Try it and I’ll put the gun to your temple, Drift Wilcox.
MACK ROTWURST
Shut up about the gun. It’s a secret.
TRICK RIGBY
Shut up about it, Spinny.
(to MACK)
Spinny wanna steal the gun from ya, old Step-Mama, and put lead inta me and Drift Wilcox.
SPINNY NORTON
You don’t know my thoughts, Trick Rigby.
DRIFT WILCOX
You babble thoughts when you’re in sleepyland, Spinny.
TRICK RIGBY
You say, “I gonna put lead inta Trick and Drift.”
SPINNY NORTON
That don’t mean nothin’. The sleeping me just lies there and ain’t even me.
MACK ROTWURST
I got that gun hidden on me somewheres or other and ain’t no one gonna find it.
DRIFT WILCOX
You gonna trade the gun to them no-good punks for them rags, old Step-Mama?
MACK ROTWURST
Damned rights. I’ll be getting’ the best of the deal.
TRICK RIGBY
What zackly am them rags gonna do, old Step-mama?
MACK ROTWURST
Rags to riches, girls. Rags to riches.
DRIFT WILCOX
We be rich and Uptown, old Step-mama?
MACK ROTWURST
Uptown? Who wants that? I’m talkin’ richest, girls, not richer.
SPINNY NORTON
Richest is being the boss, right, old Step-Mama?
MACK ROTWURST
Yeah. The boss is always richest.
DRIFT WILCOX
(grabbing SPINNY and pulling her up close)
You want to be boss, dontcha, Spinny!
(DRIFT pushes SPINNY into TRICK’S arms.)
TRICK RIGBY
You gonna kill old Step-mama and be the boss, Spinny?
SPINNY NORTON
Lemme go, Trick. I never done nothin’.
TRICK RIGBY
Not yet. But you’re gonna.
(TRICK pushes SPINNY away so she falls.)
MACK ROTWURST
Leave her be.
DRIFT WILCOX
God, I hate this alley.
MACK ROTWURST
You’ll like it better when I’m boss.
TRICK RIGBY
Why’d you pick us to be yer daughers, old Step-Mama?
MACK ROTWURST
Folks is always throwing away babies.
SPINNY NORTON
Someone threw me away.
MACK ROTWURST
For a time, there was babies everywhere. I took the first ones I found.
TRICK RIGBY
Where’d you find me, old Step-mama?
MACK ROTWURST
You was all three in a bag by the sewage tunnel, squalling like sick kittens.
DRIFT WILCOX
How’d you know our names?
MACK ROTWURST
They was written on your heads.
TRICK RIGBY
Why’d someone do that?
MACK ROTWURST
I don’t know and I don’t care.
SPINNY NORTON
I’m lucky.
MACK ROTWURST
Maybe.
DRIFT WILCOX
What if them no-good punks don’t get the rags like they promised?
MACK ROTWURST
I got a gun, don’t I?
TRICK RIGBY
You gonna shoot ‘em, old Step-mama?
MACK ROTWURST
I just might, Trick.
SPINNY NORTON
Let me do it.
DRIFT WILCOX
You make me puke, Spinny.
TRICK RIGBY
On her head, Drift.
DRIFT WILCOX
Puke on Spinny’s head.
MACK ROTWURST
I said leave her be, and I meant it.
SPINNY NOTON
Old Step-mama loves me best.
MACK ROTWURST
I don’t love no one.
(The four NO-GOOD PUNKS enter. They have the INNOCENT CHILDREN. BUDDY holds CHICK, MONDO holds HIPPY, and JOYBOY holds VELVET.)
PUKE NASH
Look what we got, Mack.
MACK ROTWURST
I’m looking and I don’t see them rags.
PUKE NASH
No rags but there’s these brats.
(BUDDY, MONDO, and JOYBOY throw the INNOCENTS at MACK’S feet.)
MACK ROTWURST
What the hell would I want with them?
BUDDY MUNCH
Maybe you could eat them.
MONDO SILK
They’re young and tender.
JOYBOY HINTON
Brat meat’s better than rat meat.
MACK ROTWURST
I don’t eat long pig.
MONDO SILK
Long pig?
PUKE NASH
Human meat. You got a pig flavour, Mondo, but you’re long, get it?
JOYBOY HINTON
Maybe them girls of yours would like to eat long pig brat meat.
SPINNY NORTON
Can I, old Step-mama?
MACK ROTWURST
(to the NO-GOOD PUNKS)
Spinny’s amoral. She don’t know nothin’ about good or bad or right or wrong.
PUKE NASH
We thought maybe you’d trade that gun for these brats.
MACK ROTWURST
Think again, Puke. I want them rags and that’s it.
PUKE NASH
They ain’t so easy to get, Mack.
DRIFT WILCOX
(going up to PUKE)
I can smell weakness, Puke Nash. You’re weak.
PUKE NASH
Yeah? I don’t see you getting’ them rags, Drift Wilcox.
DRIFT WILCOX
Old Step-mama says no.
MACK ROTWURST
Now boys, how hard can it be to pull rags off old folks?
BUDDY MUNCH
Them rags is evil. They made Puke’s hands attack my neck.
MACK ROTWURST
Yeah?
PUKE NASH
(holding up his hands)
They had a mind of their own, Mack, like as if they was monsters sewed to the ends of my arms.
(He makes clawing motions at his own neck.)
TRICK RIGBY
(to the INNOCENTS)
You brats got tongues in your heads?
CHICK SHARP
Please don’t eat us.
HIPPY LEGG
We’re from Uptown.
VELVET CUBBINS
Our mummies and daddies are rich.
PUKE NASH
You see, Mack? Their mummies and daddies are rich!
DRIFT WILCOX
(to the INNOCENTS)
What you doin’ down here in the alley?
CHICK SHARP
Our big sisters came down for an adventure.
HIPPY LEGG
They wouldn’t let us go with ‘em.
VELVET CUBBINS
So we snuck after ‘em.
MONDO SILK
Can I marry one of ‘em, Puke?
(he points at HIPPY)
I want that one.
PUKE NASH
Shut up, Mondo.
(to MACK)
So will you trade ‘em for a gun now?
MACK ROTWURST
Nope. You get me those rags, then you’ll get the gun.
PUKE NASH
(grabbing his neck with his hands to demonstrate again)
I told you: them rags is untouchable!
MACK ROTWURST
Then the deal’s off. Come on, girls, we got to get them rags ourselves.
(MACK and her GIRLS exit.)
JOYBOY HINTON
What we gonna do with these brats, Puke?
BUDDY MUNCH
Maybe we can sell them to their mummies and daddies.
MONDO SILK
Yeah, sell them for vegetables or cheese.
PUKE NASH
No can do. Them Uptown folks is tricky. We’d end up face down in the sewage someplace.
JOYBOY HINTON
We got to get that gun.
PUKE NASH
Yeah, the gun’s what we want. I say we follow Mack and those sluts of hers.
BUDDY MUNCH
Why, Puke?
PUKE NASH
They might choke themselves to death if they try ta steal them rags.
MONDO SILK
Yeah, then we could take the gun off her stinking body.
JOYBOY
Now you’re talkin’, Puke!
PUKE NASH
They don’t call me “Puke” fer nothin’, Joyboy. Let’s go.
(The NO-GOOD PUNKS exit.)
VELVET CUBBINS
What we gonna do, Chick?
CHICK SHARP
Dunno.
HIPPY LEGG
Are we lost, Chick?
CHICK SHARP
Yeah. Lost in the alley.
VELVET CUBBINS
I guess we’re gonna die.
HIPPY LEGG
It’s your fault, Chick. You said to follow Cuckoo.
CHICK SHARP
I didn’t know the alley was so bad.
VELVET CUBBINS
Well, it is bad, Chick, and now we’re gonna die.
HIPPY LEGG
I hate you, Chick.
CHICK SHARP
Maybe Cuckoo is gonna find us and save us.
VELVET CUBBINS
She’s probably dead already.
HIPPY LEGG
And Rusty and Beebee too.
CHICK SHARP
Cuckoo’s hard to kill. She’s got a knife.
VELVET CUBBINS
That don’t do us no good.
CHICK SHARP
We’re not dead yet, Velvet Cubbins.
VELVET CUBBINS
I just wanna go home.
HIPPY LEGG
We’re lost, Velvet, remember?
CHICK SHARP
That bad boy Mondo wanted ta marry you, Hippy.
HIPPY LEGG
I hate him. He smells.
CHICK SHARP
Maybe you shoulda said yes to him, Hippy, so he’d save us.
HIPPY LEGG
Yeah, but then after I’d still have to be his wife.
VELVET CUBBINS
But you wouldn’t be dead. Being dead’s worse.
HIPPY LEGG
No it’s not.
CHICK SHARP
You shoulda said yes, Hippy.
HIPPY LEGG
Leave me alone, Chick.
VELVET CUBBINS
You shoulda tried ta make Puke marry you, Chick.
CHICK SHARP
He don’t want me. He wants a gun.
HIPPY LEGG
Do you like him, Chick?
CHICK SHARP
Don’t talk stupid, Hippy. I’m just a kid.
HIPPY LEGG
So am I and you said I should marry Mondo.
CHICK SHARP
That’s different.
HIPPY LEGG
Why?
CHICK SHARP
It’s life or Death, Hippy, not sweethearts.
VELVET CUBBINS
It sure is cold in the alley.
CHICK SHARP
Don’t do no good just sittin’ here. Let’s walk.
HIPPY LEGG
Where?
CHICK SHARP
Doesn’t matter where. We just got ta keep our legs movin’ so we don’t freeze.
(The three INNOCENTS exit.)
Rags for Riches by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 5:
(The THIEVES enter carrying sticks.)
ZIPPER JABBIT
I don’t like bein’ a soldier, Niki.
GRENDEL FOX
It’s not as good as bein’ a thief.
PINKY PINCH
When we gonna get somethin’ outta this?
NIKI WEASEL
We already got it.
ZIPPER JABBIT
Yeah? Where is it, then?
NIKI WEASEL
You’re carryin’ a stick, ain’t ya?
ZIPPER JABBIT
So?
NIKI WEASEL
So it’s a special stick ‘cause it’s official.
GRENDEL FOX
Official fer what?
NIKI WEASEL
Official fer beatin’ heads.
PINKY PINCH
So when are we gonna use ‘em?
NIKI WEASEL
When we get the say-so from the Lady of the Alley.
ZIPPER JABBIT
She ain’t ever gonna give the say-so.
NIKI WEASEL
Why not?
ZIPPER JABBIT
She’s all soft-eyed and poofy.
GRENDEL FOX
And why’d she make you sergeant, Niki?
PINKY PINCH
Yeah, why you? You’re not better than us.
NIKI WEASEL
I got brains and you don’t.
ZIPPER JABBIT
Oh, you got brains, do you? Where?
NIKI WEASEL
Where they count: in my fast little thieving fingers.
GRENDEL FOX
Them fingers ain’t fast enough to grab some grub for us.
PINKY PINCH
I should be sergeant.
GRENDEL FOX
You? I could knock you over so easy with this stick!
PINKY PINCH
Try it, Grendel, and see what happens.
(GRENDEL and PINKY fight with their staffs as NIKI and ZIPPER
watch with enjoyment. GRENDEL wins and pins PINKY in the dirt.)
GRENDEL FOX
I see what happens, Pinky, and you know what: you’re useless.
PINKY PINCH
One day I’m gonna kill you, Grendel.
NIKI WEASEL
Let her up, Grendel.
GRENDEL FOX
Don’t wanna.
NIKI WEASEL
Let her up.
GRENDEL FOX
I’m gonna mash her skull real good, Niki.
NIKI WEASEL
(going to GRENDEL)
You want to mash something with that stick, Grendel?
GRENDEL FOX
Yeah, I wanna mash something.
NIKI WEASEL
(pointing offstage)
Here comes the Lady of the Alley. Beat on her if you got the guts.
GRENDEL FOX
I ain’t doin’ nothin’ you tell me ta do.
(GRENDEL lets PINKY get up and the THIEVES form a sort of line as STONE HILL and her BODYGUARDS, with sticks, enter.)
STONE HILL
Enjoying yourselves?
NIKI WEASEL
Just doin’ a bit of training, your Ladyship.
STONE HILL
Training. Did you learn anything, Grendel?
GRENDEL FOX
No, but Pinky learned something, your Ladyship.
STONE HILL
Did you, Pinky?
PINKY PINCH
Yes, your Ladyship.
STONE HILL
What?
PINKY PINCH
That I want to kill Grendel.
STONE HILL
Do you? Saffire, go see if Grendel deserves to die.
SAFFIRE DRAGON
Yes, your Ladyship.
(SAFFIRE goes to GRENDEL and goads her into fighting with her stick. GRENDEL loses. SAFFIRE pins her in the dirt.)
STONE HILL
Go ahead and kill Grendel, Pinky.
PINKY PINCH
How?
STONE HILL
Press your stick against her neck ‘til she’s dead.
(PINKY goes to GRENDEL and begins to place her stickagainst GRENDEL’S neck, then steps up and away.)
PINKY PINCH
I don’t wanna do it no more.
STONE HILL
No?
(addressing all those assembled)
It’s not easy to kill a defenseless soul, and there’s a reason for that.
EMERALD WOOD
What’s the reason, your Ladyship?
STONE HILL
If it was easy, we’d all be dead. Do you understand?
(The OTHERS looks at one another.)
STONE HILL
Do you understand?
NIKI WEASEL
We don’t got your kind of brain, your Ladyship.
ZIPPER JABBIT
You got ta make words we can grab with our small brains.
STONE HILL
We all sleep; we all rest; we can’t always be on our guard. Be glad it’s hard to kill.
THE OTHERS
Yes, your Ladyship.
(SHERIFF BINCHUK and DEPUTY FIZZLE enter.)
SPAZZ BINCHUK
Your Ladyship, you said to squawk if we heard anything about rags.
STONE HILL
That’s what I said.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
Well, we heard somethin’.
JOJO FIZZLE
A couple of old folks said some baddies was after their rags.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
They said the baddies was gonna grab ‘em and pull off their rags.
JOJO FIZZLE
They was scared ‘cause they didn’t wanna be naked.
STONE HILL
Where are those old folks now?
SPAZZ BINCHUK
Don’t know, your Ladyship. We had ta git back to our beat.
JOJO FIZZLE
We got so much to do, your Ladyship.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
There’s trouble in the alley everyplace all the time, your Ladyship.
STONE HILL
Yes, that’s why I’ve raised an army. You two aren’t enough.
SAFFIRE DRAGON
You want us to look for those old folks, your Ladyship?
STONE HILL
No. I’ll send the army to do that.
NIKI WEASEL
What’ll you give us if we find them?
STONE HILL
Another day of sucking this foul and filthy air.
SHERIFF BINCHUK
And me and Deputy Fizzle? What should we do?
STONE HILL
You look too, of course.
(The THIEVES and the SHERIFF and DEPUTY exit.)
EMERALD WOOD
All this fuss for some dirty old rags.
STONE HILL
Yes, for a few dirty old rags, Emerald.
SAFFIRE DRAGON
And if you don’t get those rags?
STONE HILL
All that’s bad will get much worse.
SAFFIRE DRAGON
What about us?
STONE HILL
You and Emerald? If I don’t get those rags, the two of you will stab me through my heart while I’m sleeping.
EMERALD WOOD
Not possible.
STONE HILL
Everything’s possible.
EMERALD WOOD
But you showed us how hard it is to kill.
STONE HILL
I also said if it was easy to kill, we’d all be dead.
EMERALD WOOD
Are those rags going to make it easy to kill?
STONE HILL
Rags make us want riches, and to get riches, we seek power over others. The more we want that sort of power, the easier it becomes for us to kill.
(STONE and her BODYGUARDS exit.)
Rags for Riches by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 1:
The BEGGARS stagger on stage.
LOU HEARNE
Sicker now, but still sucking cold and filthy air.
SPIKE LORIMER
I’m all pain and can’t think at all.
SHAKEY RALPH
Cut off my head and put it in a jar so I can be rid of this useless sack of a body.
(MACK and her GIRLS enter.)
LOU HEARNE
Hey, hey, you got medicine of any kind, ladies?
SPIKE LORIMER
Kill my pain, ladies. Do it as kindness.
SHAKEY RALPH
Do good, ladies, for once. Maybe you’ll win favour in heaven.
MACK ROTWURST
(grabbing LOU)
You seen two old things in rags hereabouts?
LOU HEARNE
(blinking rapidly in confusion)
What?
MACK ROTWKURST
Useless!
(MACK casts LOU aside as DRIFT and TRICK grab SPIKE.)
DRIFT WILCOX
How about you?
TRICK RIGBY
Speak up or I’ll poke your eyeball with my digit!
SPIKE LORIMER
Nothing, I swear! No rags, nothing!
(DRIFT and TRICK throw SPIKE aside as SPINNY grabs SHAKEY.)
SPINNY NORTON
It’s your turn, stinky thing.
SHAKEY RALPH
Lemme go! It hurts! It hurts!
SPINNY NORTON
You see two old dodder-fogeys in rags?
SHAKEY RALPH
I sick and I dodder!
SPINNY NORTON
Maybe this is them, old Step-mama.
MACK ROTWURST
Naw. Them ain’t old. Them’s just sick.
SPINNY NORTON
You just sick.
(SPINNY throws SHAKEY down.)
DRIFT WILCOX
(worked up and spazzing)
We got to keep lookin’ fer old ones in rags!
(grabbing TRICK and shaking her)
Gotta keep lookin’, Trick! You get it or what?
TRICK RIGBY
Lemme go, Drift, or I’ll bite yer nose off!
MACK ROTWURST
(pulling DRIFT off TRICK)
You was always crazy, Drift Wilcox. I’m proud ta call you my daughter.
SPINNY NORTON
I’m the favourite, though.
TRICK RIGBY
I’m sick of youse saying that, Spinny.
(TRICK grabs SPINNY and bites her neck. SPINNY screams. TRICK breaks away from her and TRICK and DRIFT have a good laugh.)
SPINNY NORTON
She bit my neck, old Step-mama!
MACK ROTWURST
Maybe Trick’s got a taste for long pig.
TRICK RIGBY
Can we cook Spinny, old Step-Mama?
MACK ROTWURST
Naw. Too much gristle and not enough fat.
SPINNY NORTON
(more or less to herself)
One day I gonna get a gun and put lead in my sisters’ heads.
MACK ROTWURST
You’re a psychopath, Spinny, didja know that?
DRIFT WILCOX
She don’t got a heart, just a little lump of gristle that wriggles in her chest like a poisonous snake.
LOU HEARNE
Youse got energy to fight but we’re benign!
SPIKE LORIMER
We just got pain and that makes us saints!
SHAKEY RALPH
We don’t hurt nobody ‘cause we all the time just hurtin’ ourselves.
MACK ROTWURST
I don’t want no philosophy. I just want them old folks in rags.
LOU HEARNE
We told ya we can’t see nothin’ but pain!
MACK ROTWURST
Come on, girls. We keep on up the alley.
(MACK exits. DRIFT and TRICK grab SPINNY and put her face up close to LOU.)
SPINNY NORTON
Quit! I too close to its face of Death!
DRIFT WILCOX
Breathe in some Death, Spinny.
TRICK RIGBY
You got a Death seed in you now, Spinny.
(They drop SPINNY and run off laughing. SPINNY liesthere while LOU, SPIKE, and SHAKEY grab at her.)
LOU HEARNE
Give us yer young life, sweety!
SPIKE LORIMER
Feed us and make us well again!
SHAKEY RALPH
Be the good drug Spinny!
SPINNY NORTON
(struggling up and away from the BEGGARS)
No! You not make me all Death! I gonna live and do my revenge!
(SPINNY exits in pursuit of her sisters. The NO-GOOD PUNKS enter.)
JOYBOY HINTON
Sick things!
PUKE NASH
Keep away from ‘em, Joyboy. You’ll get a dose of Death.
MONDO SILK
Look at ‘em! How can they be dead and still suck air?
BUDDY MUNCH
They all Death. We don’t want their rags.
LOU HEARNE
Rags? Rags? We are human rags, all tattered and rotten!
SPIKE LORIMER
We just garbage, just old rubbish, crawling with disease!
SHAKEY RALPH
We are Death! We are not our mommas’ little girls!
(The three BEGGARS drag off and exit.)
PUKE NASH
(looking offstage for MACK)
Now we lost sight of Mack and the girls.
JOYBOY HINTON
I breathe the sick air from them things. Am I gonna die, Puke?
PUKE NASH
Maybe, Joyboy.
MONDO SILK
If Joyboy dies, can I have his trousers, Puke?
PUKE NASH
Only if ya want ta die too, Mondo. Joyboy’s germs are in them pants.
MONDO SILK
Oh yeah.
BUDDY MUNCH
Don’t you wanna catch up with Mack, Puke?
PUKE NASH
Nothin’ else worth doin’, Buddy.
(The NO-GOOD PUNKS exit.)
Rags for Riches by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 2:
(The ADVENTURE-SEEKING GIRLS enter.)
CUCKOO SHARP
We seen the alley. Now we can go back Uptown.
RUSTY LEGG
It ain’t so scarey.
BEEBEE CUBBINS
I think I’m getting sick.
CUCKOO SHARP
Who cares?
RUSTY LEGG
You musta caught somethin’ from those beggars, Beebee.
BEEBEE CUBBINS
I could die.
CUCKOO SHARP
So do me a favour and die.
BEEBEE CUBBINS
You not my friend, Cuckoo.
CUCKOO SHARP
I never said I was.
(The two ELDERLY ONES enter.)
ROSIE GOGGLE
Hide us! Hide us!
DAFFY FADDOLI
We are wanted for our rags!
(ROSIE clasps CUCKOO by the legs, and DAFFY clasps RUSTY by the legs.)
BEEBEE CUBBINS
What are they?
CUCKOO SHARP
(tugging at ROSIE)
Let off me, you old thing!
RUSTY LEGG
Leggo ‘a me, you witch!
(Suddenly, CUCKOO begins to strangle herself, as does RUSTY. They lurch about choking.)
BEEBEE CUBBINS
What did you witches do to my pals?
ROSIE GOGGLE
It’s our rags! They got magic in them!
DAFFY FADDOLI
We forgot!
(CUCKOO collapses, as does RUSTY, with their hands still clasped to their necks. BEEBEE goes to them and pulls their hands away from their necks.)
BEEBEE CUBBINS
They’re all hot, like roasted wienies.
(The INNOCENT CHILDREN enter.)
CHICK SHARP
Look, it’s Cuckoo!
HIPPY LEGG
And Rusty!
VELVET CUBBINS
And Beebee!
BEEBEE CUBBINS
Velvet! Whatcha doin’ in the alley?
VELVET CUBBINS
Don’t be mad, Beebee!
CHICK SHARP
(going to CUCKOO)
What’s the matter with Cuckoo?
HIPPY LEGG
(going to RUSTY)
What’s happened to Rusty?
BEEBEE CUBBINS
They strangled themselves after touching those old witches.
ROSIE GOGGLE
It’s our rags.
DAFFY FADDOLI
We got rags that make yer hands turn inta monsters.
CUCKOO SHARP
(slowly recovering)
My throat! It’s burning!
RUSTY LEGG
(slowly recovering)
My neck’s on fire!
ROSIE GOGGLE
I apologize.
DAFFY FADDOLI
Me too. I apologize too.
CUCKOO SHARP
Chick, you brat! Why are you here?
CHICK SHARP
We followed you down from Uptown, Cuckoo.
RUSTY LEGG
You stupid kids!
VELVET CUBBINS
I wanna go home so bad.
(CUCKOO, RUSTY, and BEEBEE gather up their little SISTERS and retreat upstage with them and form a tableau. SHERIFF BINCHUK enters with DEPUTY FIZZLE.)
SPAZZ BINCHUK
There they are! And they ain’t naked!
JOJO FIZZLE
You still got your rags!
ROSIE GOGGLE
Do’t touch us!
DAFFY FADDOLI
Our rags make yer hands inta monsters!
SPAZZ BINCHUK
We ain’t goin’ anywhere near them rags.
JOJO FIZZLE
Just stay put. The Lady of the Alley wants them rags.
ROSIE GOGGLE
What for?
SPAZZ BINCHUK
Well, she sure as hell don’t want to make a fashion statement.
JOJO FIZZLE
Them girls look like Uptowns. What’re they doin’ here?
DAFFY FADDOLI
Dunno.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
(to the GIRLS)
Why you look so scared?
(The GIRLS don’t reply.)
ROSIE GOGGLE
Two of ‘em touched our rags and choked themselves, Sheriff.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
Is that a fact?
DAFFY FADDOLI
Yes, Sheriff, it’s a fact.
(The EVIL STEP-MAMA and her GIRLS enter.)
MACK ROTWURST
Well, here they are. And the sheriff and deputy too. Ain’t that nice.
DRIFT WILCOX
Give us them rags, you old things.
TRICK RIGBY
They’re the property of old Step-mama.
SPINNY NORTON
Strip ‘em off and throw ‘em over here.
ROSIE GOGGL
Do we got to, Sheriff Binchuk?
SPAZZ BINCHUK
You just hang onta them rags ‘til we sort this out.
JOJO FIZZLE
The Lady of the Alley wants them rags.
MACK ROTWURST
(pulling out her gun)
Maybe we can work somethin’ out.
SPAZZ BINCHUK
You ain’t got enough bullets ta kill us all.
MACK ROTWURST
I got enough ta even the odds, piggy.
(The NO-GOOD PUNKS enter.)
PUKE NASH
Looks like Mack’s got ‘em where she wants ‘em boys.
MACK ROTWURST
Whose side are you on, boys, ours or theirs?
PUKE NASH
You got the gun so we’re your lads, Mack.
BUDDY MUNCH
You can count on us, Mack.
MONDO SILK
Friends to the end.
JOYBOY HINTON
Can I touch your gun?
(The THIEVES enter)
SPAZZ BINCHUK
Them old things is wearing the rags, Niki.
NIKI WEASEL
But there’s a gun over there pointin’ in our direction.
ZIPPER JABBIT’
Whose side are we on, Niki?
JOJO FIZZLE
Don’t turn traitor on us, Niki.
GRENDEL FOX
It beats dying.
PINKY PINCH
(to MACK)
You gonna let us be on your side?
MACK ROTWURST
Hell no. I got this gun and these boys and pretty soon I’m gonna have them rags. Why should I make a deal with youse?
(STONE HILL enters with her BODYGUARDS.)
STONE HILL
That’s right, Mack. Why should you make a deal?
DRIFT WILCOX
You’re not the Lady of the Alley no more, Stone Hill.
TRICK RIGBY
Old Step-mama’s the boss now.
SPINNY NORTON
And she got an army of no-good punks ta back her up.
(The DISEASE-RIDDEN BEGGARS enter.)
LOU HEARNE
Help us! Help us! We are balls of fire!
SPIKE LORIMER
Have mercy! Kill our pain!
SHAKEY RALPH
Kill it! Kill it!
(As if that is a signal, the two opposing sides join battle as follows: NIKI WEASEL charges MACK, who shoots her. ZIPPER JABBIT attacks DRIFT WILCOX and knocks DRIFT out with her staff. MACK shoots ZIPPER. GRENDEL FOX takes on SPINNY NORTON, but SPINNY gets GRENDEL’S staff away from her and defeats her. PINKY PINCH takes on TRICK RIGBY, and manages to defeat her, and then defeats SPINNY, but MACK shoots PINKY in the arm. PUKE NASH takes on SHERIFF BINCHUK, but SHERIFF BINCHUK wins. MACK SHOOTS at SHERIFF BINCHUK, but misses, and SHERIFF BINCHUK takes on MACK andgets her in a hold. BUDDY MUNCH takes on DEPUTY FIZZLE and wins. BUDDY then pulls SHERIFF BINCHUK off MACK, who is uncounscious. BUDDY defeats SHERIFF BINCHUK. MONDO SILK takes on SAFFIRE DRAGON, and SAFFIRE wins and attacks BUDDY, but BUDDY defeats her. JOYBOY HINTON takes on EMERALD WOOD, and EMERALD wins. EMERALD takes on BUDDY and wins, but collapses from exhaustion. The rest of the cast, with the exception of STONE HILL, cower from the fighting. Once the battle is over, STONE HILL takes over.)
STONE HILL
The Battle of the Alley is over. Elderly Ones!
(handing some fabric and a sack to the ELDERLY ONES)
Take these robes and put them on. Put your rags in the sack and give it to me.
ROSIE and DAFFY
As you wish, your Ladyship.
(ROSIE and DAFFY exit.)
STONE HILL
Uptown girls!
(the UPTOWN GIRLS form an attentive
tableau)
The alley is now and forever your home. That is the price you pay for venturing here in such a thoughtless way.
UPTOWN GIRLS
As you wish, your Ladyship.
STONE HILL
And give me that knife, Cuckoo.
CUCKOO SHARP
Yes, your Ladyship.
(CUCKOO goes to STONE and gives her the knife, then returns to her group.)
STONE HILL
Look at the fallen! They did not fall for nothing. Without the battle, there could be no renewal, no emergence from despair.
(The ELDERLY ONES enter, wearing robes, with their rags in the sack.)
ROSIE GOGGLE
Here is the sack of rags, your Ladyship.
(ROSIE hands the sack to STONE.)
STONE HILL
Thank you. Where did you get them from in the first place?
DAFFY FADDOLI
From a rubbish bin, your Ladyship.
STONE HILL
Do you know what they are?
ROSIE GOGGLE
No, your Ladyship.
STONE HILL
They are the ancient remnants of the robe of a tyrant whose cruelty and ambition knew no bounds.
DAFFY FADDOLI
What are you going to do with them?
STONE HILL
Burn them of course, for they tempt us to kill, and killing should never be easy.
ROSIE GOGGLE
Are they magic?
STONE HILL
Yes, dark magic. But the magic is in our minds, not in the rags. The dark magic happens when we value power more than we value love. I must go now, and leave the alley forever.
(crossing to MACK and picking up the gun)
You won’t be needing this anymore.
(STONE HILL begins her exit, turns briefly to survey the scene, then completes her exit. The remaining actors sit or stand in a confused daze as ROSIE and DAFFY sing mournfully and the lights fade.)
ROSIE and DAFFY
Hear us weep!
Hear us moan!
We’re so lost
and all alone.
Rags for riches!
Rags for riches!
We’re so lost
and all alone.
END OF PLAY.