Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2007
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 45 minutes
• style: allegorical musical theatre with clown characters
• suitable for general audiences
• 26 characters (gender-flexible casting)
• black-box staging (no set required)
• recommended melody tracks included with script
Summary of Script Content:
• “Gumpatch”, in the guise of a comedic clown play with music, offers a darkly-themed allegorical fable in which a pair of deceitful schemers lie to the gullible citizens of a little village, thus turning the villagers against their legitimate leader.
(This play was first performed in April 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, & 14, 14, 16, 2008, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
∗Published Online by Good School Plays, April 17, 2018.
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Prologue
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Scene 5
Scene 6
Scene 7
Scene 8
Scene 9
Scene 10
Scene 11
Scene 12
Scene 13
Scene 14
CHARACTERS:
The People of Gumpatch:
MRS. BIGMOP
MUFFIN PUFFIN, her little friend
OLD UNCLE RUMBLE
DANDELION, his niece
BODKIN
SNIFFLE
JEEP
SLEEPY-DUST
POPPITY-WOPPITY
SLAM
DOLLYPOLLY
TUTTLE
SHOOFLY
LULU
NUMMY
MARZIPAN
MUFFLE
SLOMO
NOSTRIL
CORKY
BUZZY-BEE
OOPSY-DOOPSY
The Evil Dupes:
MR. POPHABACUS
CHIMPY-CHUMP
The Wandering Exiles:
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
PUPPY
Gumpatch by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Prologue:
(MR. PHOPHABACUS and CHIMPY-CHUMP enter. CHIMPY-CHUMP has a small sack.)
CHIMPY-CHUMP
The night is dark, Mr. Phophabacus. Chimpy-Chump likes the shadowy night.
MR. PHOPHABACUS
Which way is the wind blowing, Chimpy-Chump?
CHIMPY-CHUMP
(testing the wind with his finger)
Straight towards the silly little village of Gumpatch, Mr. Phophabacus.
MR. PHOPHABACUS
Perfect! Hand me the sack.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
(handing over the sack)
What’s in it?
MR. PHOPHABACUS
Nightmare powder.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
Nightmare powder?
MR. PHOPHABACUS
You heard me. Don’t pretend to be deaf.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
What are you going to do with it, Mr. Phophabacus?
MR. PHOPHABACUS
I will throw the powder into the wind, and all the people in Gumpatch will have terrible nightmares.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
Then they will become frightened, and fear will make them weak.
MR. PHOPHABACUS
Yes. That is what the Purple Witch wants, and I must do as she commands.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
As must I.
MR. PHOPHABACUS
Then let’s get on with it.
(He and Chimpy-Chump reach into the bag and scatter imaginary nightmare powder into the air in the direction of Gumpatch.)
MR. PHOPHABACUS
Now we must hide in the shadows and see what happens!
CHIMPY-CHUMP
Chimpy-Chump likes to hide. Darkness is his friend.
(They exit)
Gumpatch by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 1:
(MRS. BIGMOP enters with her little friend MUFFIN PUFFIN.)
MUFFIN PUFFIN
What a bright sunny day, Mrs Bigmop!
MRS. BIGMOP
Yes, Muffin Puffin, the terrifying nightmares we had last night are gone!
MUFFIN PUFFIN
But Muffin Puffin is still afraid.
MRS. BIGMOP
Cheer up, Muffin Puffin: the sun has chased all the shadows away!
(Recommended Melody for the Song: “A Fine Sunny Day”)
(MRS. BIGMOP sings “A Fine Sunny Day”)
A fine sunny day is a wonderful way
To brighten our morning in Gumpatch.
The sun gives us light;
And there’s no sign of night;
What a wonderful morning in Gumpatch.
(MUFFIN PUFFIN sings)
A short time ago the night had a hold
On our hearts as we shivered in bed.
Haunted by dreams
And frightened by screams
We huddled and covered our heads.
(MRS. BIGMOP sings)
But now we feel fine because the sun shines;
Our nightmares have all gone away.
In the brightness of day
We’re no longer afraid
And we laugh and we sing and we play.
(BOTH sing)
A fine sunny day is a wonderful way
To brighten our morning in Gumpatch;
Oh, the sun gives us light
And there’s no sign of night;
What a wonderful morning in Gumpatch.
Sunny Day!
MUFFIN PUFFIN
Lovely, lovely, sunny, sunny! Now Muffin Puffin is happy!
MRS. BIGMOP
(looking off left and right)
Look, Muffin Puffin, her come all our neighbours! They must have heard our sunshine song!
(The GUMPATCHERS enter in pairs, each adding their voices to a reprise of “A Fine Sunny Day“)
(OLD UNCLE RUMBLE and DANDELION enter.)
A fine sunny day is a wonderful way
To brighten our morning in Gumpatch.
(BODKIN and SNIFFLE enter, dancing and joining the song)
The sun gives us light;
And there’s no sign of night.
What a wonderful morning in Gumpatch.
(JEEP and SLEEPYDUST enter.)
A short time ago the night had a hold
On our hearts as we shivered in bed;
(POPPITY-WOPPITY and SLAM enter.)
Haunted by dreams
And frightened by screams,
We huddled and covered our heads.
(DOLLYPOLLY and TUTTLE enter.)
But now we feel fine because the sun shines
And our nightmares have all gone away;
(SHOOFLY and LULU enter.)
In the brightness of day
We’re no longer afraid
And we laugh and we sing and we play.
(NUMMY and MARZIPAN enter.)
A fine sunny day is a wonderful way
To brighten our morning in Gumpatch.
(MUFFLE and SLOMO enter with BUZZY-BEE and OOPSY-DOOPSY.)
Oh, the sun gives us light;
There’s no sign of night
What a wonderful morning in Gumpatch.
(EVERYONE sings)
Sunny Day!
(Everyone becomes still and NOSTRIL and CORKY enter.)
CORKY
Oh dear! We missed the song!
NOSTRIL
Never mind, Corky, we’ll make our own song.
(Recommended melody for “Anyone Can Sing!” )
(CORKY and NOSTRIL sing.)
Anyone can make a song,
Anyone can sing!
We will make a little song,
A lovely little thing.
(CORKY sings)
I will sing the highest notes,
(NOSTRIL sings)
And I will sing the low,
(BOTH sing)
And between the two of us
The lovely music flows.
We both love to sing our song;
You can sing it too!
Even if you don’t know how,
You just pretend you do.
(The rest of the cast joins in.)
Anyone can make a song,
Anyone can sing!
We will make a little song
A lovely little thing!
Lovely little thing!
Thing!
Thing!
Lovely little thing!
Thing!
OLD UNCLE RUMBLE
I say, Dandelion, what a lovely way to start the day, eh? Hey, hey, what do you say, eh, Dandelion…a lovely way, or so I say, if indeed I may…I mean to say it’s a lovely day!
DANDELION
B-b-b-but I h-h-h-had a sc-sc-scary dream, Old Uncle Rumble!
THE OTHER GUMPATCHERS
(except MRS. BIGMOP)
A scary dream! A scary dream! Dandelion had a scary dream!
MUFFLE and SLOMO
We had dreams too…nightmares!
THE OTHER GUMPATCHERS
(except MRS. BIGMOP)
Nightmares! Nightmares! Muffle and Slomo had nightmares!
NUMMY
Maybe everyone had a scary dream. Did you have a scary dream, Marzipan?
MARZIPAN
I had the worst nightmare ever, Nummy. I dreamed I was stuffed into a coffin and buried alive. Hey everyone, put up your hands if you had scary dreams!
(EVERYONE puts up their hands.)
CORKY
I dreamed the day turned into night and the night turned into a wolf who chased me through the forest!
NOSTRIL
I dreamed I fell off a cliff and my head smashed into a big rock far below and burst like a balloon.
THE OTHER GUMPATCHERS
(except MRS. BIGMOP)
Oh dear, oh dear, poor Corky and Nostril!
BUZZY-BEE
Large slimy insects crawled up my nose and choked me! Oh, Oopsy-Doopsy, I was so afraid!
OOPSY-DOOPSY
Well, Buzzy-Bee, I dreamed that a mean bully pushed me headfirst into a barrel full of slugs!
THE OTHER GUMPATCHERS
(except MRS. BIGMOP)
Buzzy-Bee! Oopsy-Doopsy! We all feel so bad for you!
SHOOFLY
I woke up sweating and my heart was pounding!
LULU
I woke up shaking and I was all clammy and cold.
THE OTHER GUMPATCHERS
(except MRS. BIGMOP)
Shoofly and Lulu were sweating and shaking and clammy and cold!
POPPITY-WOPPITY
I dreamed that the sun had disappeared! What did you dream, Slam?
SLAM
Oh, Poppity-Woppity, I dreamed that you were squashed by a boulder!
(POPPITY-WOPPITY cowers in fear.)
THE OTHER GUMPATCHERS
(except MRS. BIGMOP)
Squashed by a boulder! Poor Poppity-Woppity!
SLEEPYDUST
I dreamed a horrible monster was chopping me up with an axe!
JEEP
Poor Sleepydust. What an awful dream.
SLEEPYDUST
What did you dream about, Jeep?
JEEP
Black, black water, Sleepydust. I was drowning in black, black water.
THE OTHER GUMPATCHERS
(except MRS. BIGMOP)
Poor Sleepydust! Poor Jeep! Such awful dreams!
BODKIN
What about my dream, Sniffle? Don’t you want to know what I dreamed?
SNIFFLE
Tell us all, Bodkin…we love you, really we do.
BODKIN
I dreamed a dragon bit my bottom off!
SNIFFLE
How horrible! And I dreamed I turned into an icicle and broke in half!
THE OTHER GUMPATCHERS
(except MRS. BIGMOP)
Poor Bodkin, poor Sniffle! Such nasty dreams!
DOLLYPOLLY
Monsters chased me across a burning desert and a giant bird grabbed my head and lifted me into the air!
TUTTLE
Oh, Dollypolly, a giant baby picked me up and chewed on me with its toothless gums!
THE OTHER GUMPATCHERS
(except MRS. BIGMOP)
Alas, alas! Dollypolly and Tuttle are so pale!
MRS. BIGMOP
I had a bad dream, and so did Muffin Puffin…
MUFFIN PUFFIN
A bad, bad dream! Muffin Puffin was afraid!
(Recommended Melody for “In the Dark of the Night”)
MRS. BIGMOP
(sings)
In the dark of night we dreamed of evil,
Horrible dreams of nastiness and evil;
Dreams to scream about,
Dreams to make us shout,
Dreadful, awful, frightening dreams!
(CORKY, NOSTRIL, SLOMO, MUFFLE, BUZZY-BEE, OOPSY-DOOPSY, MARZIPAN and NUMMY sing.)
Dragons and demons and monsters and witches,
Frightening ghosts and devils in ditches;
Dreams that make us shake,
Dreams that make us quake,
Dreadful, awful, frightening dreams!
(SHOOFLY, LULU, TUTTLE, DOLLYPOLLY, SLAM, and POPPITY-WOPPITY sing.)
Nightmares in the night
Fill us all with fright:
Bad things,
Mad things,
Things with claws,
Mean and vicious jaws!
How hateful and unkind!
(SLEEPYDUST, JEEP, SNIFFLE, BODKIN, DANDELION, and OLD UNCLE RUMBLE sing.)
The dreams we suffered through
Made us feel so blue;
What are we going to do
To help us to renew
Our faith in goodness and in love?
In love.
(EVERYONE sings.)
In the dark of the night we dreamed of evil,
Horrible dreams of nastiness and evil;
Dreams to scream about,
Dreams to make us shout,
Dreadful, awful, frightening dreams!
Oh, dreams!
Mean dreams;
Oh, dreams!
Mean dreams.
OLD UNCLE RUMBLE
What do they mean, what do they mean, these dreams, these dreams, these mean mean dreams, Mrs. Bigmop?
MRS. BIGMOP
Why, I don’t know, Old Uncle Rumble.
DANDELION
P-p-p-please Mrs. Bigmop, p-p-p-please h-h-h-help us!
MRS. BIGMOP
I just don’t know what to do, Dandelion. Perhaps we should try laughing. Maybe that will help us forget the horrible dreams.
BODKIN
I don’t want to laugh.
SNIFFLE
You must, Bodkin, because Mrs. Bigmop says so.
MRS. BIGMOP
I will count to three, and then everyone must take a big breath of air and start laughing until all the air is out of your lungs. One…two…threeeee!
(EVERYONE inhales and laughs until their air is gone. When all the laughter is over, everyone is gloomy again.)
JEEP
It’s no use, Mrs. Bigmop. We’re still unhappy.
SLEEPYDUST
I am going to cry!
POPPITY-WOPPITY
Don’t cry, Sleepydust, or I will cry too!
SLAM
Don’t you dare cry, Sleepydust, or I will biff you on the head!
SLEEPYDUST
(starting to cry)
Waaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!
MRS. BIGMOP
Slam, say you’re sorry to Sleepydust.
SLEEPYDUST
Waaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
SLAM
I’m sorry, Sleepydust, I only said I would biff you on the head because I’m scared too.
DOLLYPOLLY
Oh dear! Now I am going to cry as well! Waaaaaaahhhhhhhh!
TUTTLE
Me too! Waaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
NUMMY
Don’t cry, don’t cry, or we’ll all start! Waaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
MARZIPAN
I can’t help myself! Waaaaahhhhhhhhhh!
(Everyone except MRS. BIGMOP starts crying. MRS. BIGMOP starts to sing. As she sings, they gradually stop crying and listen to her.)
(Recommended melody for “No Need to Cry”)
MRS. BIGMOP
There’s no need for you to cry:
Mrs. Bigmop is nearby!
I’ll make sure you’re safe and warm
And keep you far from harm,
Harm!
Far away from…
Look at me and see my eyes;
Eyes that warm and tell no lies.
Search my eyes and you will see
I’ll give my love to thee,
To thee!
All my love to…
There’s no need for all those tears;
I’ll make sure you need not fear.
Please just listen to my song;
My song is your song!
There’s no need to be so blue
When love is so close to you;
I’ll make sure you’re safe and warm
And keep you far from harm,
From harm!
Far away from…
(By now they have all stopped
crying and join in the song.)
There’s no need for us to cry:
Mrs. Bigmop is nearby!
She’ll make sure we’re safe and warm
And keep us far from harm,
From harm!
Far away from harm.
MUFFLE and SLOMO
We feel so much better, Mrs. Bigmop!
NOSTRIL
You are so wonderful, Mrs. Bigmop. Your words are like a great big warm hug.
CORKY
You even made Nostril stop crying, Mrs. Bigmop, and she’s such a baby!
NOSTRIL
I am only five years old, but that’s thirty-five in dog years!
(EVERYONE laughs.)
TUTTLE
Oh, Nostril, you are so funny.
DOLLYPOLLY
It’s so good to feel my belly shaking with laughter!
MRS. BIGMOP
Now it’s time for us all to go to our little houses and eat breakfast. Muffin Puffin and I are going to have fried sausages and chocolate-dipped strawberries!
MUFFIN PUFFIN
I love strawberries more than anything else in the world except my left fingernail!
(Recommended melody for “We’re Going to Eat Our Breakfast!“)
(EVERYONE sings this exit song with repeating verses as they exit in groups.)
We’re going to eat our breakfasts!
Sausages, bacon, eggs and ham!
We’re going to eat our breakfasts!
Milk, and juice, and toast and jam!
Breakfast is a lovely treat!
With several kinds of tasty meat!
We’ll hurry home on our strong little legs
And gobble, gobble, gobble up a dozen eggs!
We’re going to eat our breakfasts!
Sausages, bacon, eggs and ham!
We’re going to eat our breakfasts!
Milk, juice, toast and jam!
Breakfast is a lovely treat!
With several kinds of tasty meat!
We’ll hurry home on our strong little legs
And gobble, gobble, gobble up a dozen eggs!
And gobble, gobble, gobble up a dozen eggs!
We’re going to eat our breakfasts!
Milk, and juice, and toast and jam!
We’re going to eat our breakfasts!
Sausages, bacon, eggs and ham!
We’re going to eat our breakfasts!
Sausages, bacon, eggs, and ham!
Breakfast,
Breakfast,
Yum, yum, yum!
(By the end of the song, everyone has exited except MRS. BIGMOP and MUFFIN PUFFIN.)
MUFFIN PUFFIN
What’s wrong, Mrs. Bigmop?
MRS. BIGMOP
I’m so tired, Muffin Puffin. Looking after all the people in Gumpatch is wearing me out.
(MRS. BIGMOP sings a reprise of the second verse of “A Fine Sunny Day”.)
A short time ago the night had a hold
On our hearts as we shivered in bed.
(MUFFIN PUFFIN joins in.)
Haunted by dreams
And frightened by screams,
We huddled and covered our heads.
MRS. BIGMOP
It was hard work to get everyone to feel better again, Muffin Puffin.
(They exit.)
Gumpatch by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 2:
(MR. POPHABACUS enters with CHIMPY-CHUMP.)
CHIMPY-CHUMP
Did you see that, Mr. Phophabacus? That woman Mrs. Bigmop is tired! Perhaps she will die!
MR. POPHABACUS
Die?
CHIMPY-CHUMP
Chimpy-chump wants her to die!
MR. POPHABACUS
Don’t be a fool, Chimpy-chump. The woman is still as strong as a double shot of overproof rum. As long as she’s alive, I cannot enslave Gumpatch for the Purple Witch.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
But you made all the people have bad dreams, Mr. Phophabacus. You made them all cry and cry!
MR. POPHABACUS
But Mrs. Bigmop sang a song and they forgot all about their dreams and went home to eat breakfast. It makes me very angry.
(shouting at Chimpy-Chump)
If I do not enslave Gumpatch, the Purple Witch will chop off my right arm and make me eat my own eyeballs!
CHIMPY-CHUMP
Please don’t shout at Chimpy-chump. I did not do anything to make you angry.
MR. POPHABACUS
Then do something to make me feel better, Chimpy-Chump.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
What do you wish me to do, Mr. Phophabacus?
MR. PHOPHABACUS
Sing that nasty little song I like so much.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
Yes, Mr. Phophabacus.
(Recommended melody for “You’re Strange, Ugly, and Weird”)
(CHIMPY CHUMP sings)
It’s fun to make people
Afraid of the dark
And fill them with terrible fear
And you are the worm
Who makes them all squirm
You’re strange and you’re ugly and weird.
(MR. PHOPHABACUS sings)
I am the worm
Who makes them all squirm.
I’m strange and I’m ugly and weird.
(CHIMPY-CHUMP sings)
It’s fun to make people
Afraid in the night
And make them all clammy and cold
And you are the clown
That knocks them all down.
You’re smelly and evil and old.
(MR. PHOPHABACUS sings)
I am the clown
That knocks them all down.
I’m smelly and evil and old.
(CHIMPY-CHUMP sings)
You’re smelly and evil and old.
MR. POPHABACUS
Now I feel much better. Thank you, Chimpy-chump.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
What will you do now, Mr. Phophabacus?
MR. POPHABACUS
I will have to find a different way to take control of the tiny brains of the Gumpatchers. Giving them nightmares doesn’t work.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
What if we get the Gumpatch people to hate and fear Mrs. Bigmop? Then they would get rid of her, and once she’s gone, they will be easy to control.
MR. POPHABACUS
That is a splendid idea, Chimpy-Chump, a splendid idea. But how will we get them to hate her?
CHIMPY-CHUMP
We will tell lies about her.
MR. POPHABACUS
Yes! Awful lies that frighten them and poison their love for her! If this works, Chimpy-Chump, the Purple Witch will give you a hundred bananas!
CHIMPY-CHUMP
I would prefer gold.
MR. POPHABACUS
Don’t get greedy or I will be forced to bash your head in with a hammer while you are sleeping.
(Recommended melody for “I’m the Boss of You“)
(MR. PHOPHABACUS sings)
Just remember, Chimpy-Chump,
That I’m the boss of you.
I’m the one that calls the shots
And tells you what to do.
Just remember, Chimpy-chump,
That I’m the one who leads.
You’ll do exactly what I want
Or I’ll make you bleed.
I’m the boss, Chimpy-Chump,
I’m the honcho who’s the head,
So don’t try any funny stuff
Or you will end up dead.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
Yes, Mr. Phophabacus, Chimpy-Chump will obey, Chimpy-chump will obey.
(CHIMPY-CHUMP sings)
You’re the boss of Chimpy-Chump,
You’re the one who leads.
I’ll do exactly what you want.
I do not want to bleed.
MR. PHOPHABACUS
I’m glad we understand one another.
(They exit.)
Gumpatch by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 3:
(PRINCESS SUNBEAM enters with PUPPY scampering after her.)
PUPPY
I’m so tired, Princess Sunbeam and my puppy paws are sore. We’ve been searching for your father for months.
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
I know, Puppy, and I’m grateful to you for being such a good friend.
PUPPY
(barks happily)
I will always be your pal, Princess Sunbeam.
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
We are near the little village of Gumpatch. Perhaps we will find my father there.
PUPPY
Perhaps. We have looked everywhere else.
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
Oh, Puppy, I must find him. Then perhaps I will find a way to break the spell that makes him evil and turn him back into King Jollygood again.
PUPPY
Tell me the story of what happened, Princess Sunbeam. I am a puppy and my memory is not good.
(Recommended melody for “My Father Was King Jollygood“.
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
(sings)
My father was King Jollygood
In the Kingdom of the Sun;
Sir Thinkwell was his minister
But now they both are gone.
(PUPPY sings sadly)
But now they both are gone.
Awooooooo! Awooooooo! Awooooooo! Awooooooo!
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
(sings)
The Purple Witch came to our land
And used a dreadful brew;
She made my father drink a drop;
Sir Thinkwell drank some too.
(PUPPY sings angrily)
She made your father drink a drop;
Sir Thinkwell drank some too.
Awoooooo! Awooooooo! Awooooooo! Awooooooo!
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
(sings)
My father and his minister
In a dream became her slaves;
She stole the Kingdom of the Sun
And sent my dad away.
(PUPPY sings sadly)
She stole the Kingdom of the Sun
And sent the King away.
Awooooo! Awooooooo! Awooooooo! Awooooooo!
Awooooooo! Awooooooo! Awooooooo!
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
She made my father and Sir Thinkwell go off to enslave other lands for her. And now I must find them and break the spell before they do any more damage.
PUPPY
I don’t feel tired anymore, Princess Sunbeam. Your story puts fresh power into my puppy paws. Let us continue our search.
(They exit.)
Gumpatch by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 4:
(NOSTRIL and CORKY enter with BUZZY-BEE and OOPSY-DOOPSY.)
NOSTRIL
Did you enjoy your feast of fried meat, Corky?
CORKY
Of course, Nostril. Thank you for cooking it for me. You did a good job. Only one of the sausages was still raw.
OOPSY-DOOPSY
Buzzy-bee drank a whole pail of milk all by herself.
BUZZY-BEE
I burped and Oopsy-Doopsy said it sounded like a bullfrog.
NOSTRIL
Corky burps.
CORKY
I do not, Nostril. You burp. Once you turned a long burp into a funny song, remember?
NOSTRIL
Oh, yes! A song about a hungry crocodile!
(MR. POPHABACUS and CHIMPY-CHUMP enter.)
MR. POPHABACUS
Good day, fine people of Gumpatch! I am Mr. Phophabacus.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
And I am Chimpy-Chump.
OOPSY-DOOPSY, BUZZY-BEE, NOSTRIL, and CORKY
Hello, Mr. Phophabacus. Hello, Chimpy-Chump.
MR. POPHABACUS
We overheard you talking about breakfast.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
Sounds like you ate a lot of milk and meat.
OOPSY-DOOPSY
Yes. Mrs. Bigmop gave it to us.
BUZZY-BEE
She gives us everything.
NOSTRIL
We love Mrs. Bigmop.
CORKY
If you could meet her, you’d love her too.
MR. POPHABACUS
We have met her.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
But we don’t love her.
OOPSY-DOOPSY, BUZZY-BEE, NOSTRIL, and CORKY
Why not?
MR. POPHABACUS
She puts poison in your food.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
We’ve seen her do it.
OOPSY-DOOPSY, BUZZY-BEE, NOSTRIL, and CORKY
Poison!
CHIMPY-CHUMP
In your milk and meat.
MR. POPHABACUS
The poison makes you have nightmares.
NOSTRIL
We had nightmares. Horrible nightmares.
CORKY
It must have been the poison Mrs. Bigmop put in my sausage.
BUZZY-BEE
And in my pail of milk! Mrs. Bigmop made us have terrible dreams.
OOPSY-DOOPSY
Yes, terrible, awful, frightening dreams!
BUZZY-BEE
How mean and cruel of Mrs. Bigmop!
MR. POPHABACUS
Yes, she is an evil person.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
You should get rid of her.
(Recommended melody for “Mrs. Bigmop Fed Us Poison!“)
(NOSTRIL, CORKY, OOPSY-DOOPSY, and BUZZY-BEE sing.)
(NOSTRIL)
Mrs. Bigmop fed us poison!
(CORKY)
Mrs. Bigmop made us sick.!
(OOPSY-DOOPSY)
Mrs. Bigmop gave us nightmares!
(BUZZY-BEE)
Mrs. Bigmop played a trick!
(ALL FOUR)
How could she be so mean?
How could she be so cruel?
She made us believe she loved us,
Then treated us like fools.
Mrs. Bigmop fed us poison!
Mrs. Bigmop made us sick!
Mrs. Bigmop gave us nightmares!
Mrs. Bigmop played a trick!
(NOSTRIL)
How could she be so mean?
(CORKY)
How could she be so cruel?
(OOPSY-DOOPSY)
She made us all think she loves us,
(BUZZY-BEE)
Then treated us like fools.
(ALL FOUR)
Mrs. Bigmop fed us poison!
Mrs. Bigmop made us sick!
Mrs. Bigmop gave us nightmares!
Mrs. Bigmop played a trick!
A dirty, rotten, mean and evil
Nasty, awful, fiendish trick!
A trick!
NOSTRIL, CORKY, OOPSY-DOOPSY, and BUZZY-BEE
We must get rid of Mrs. Bigmop right away!
(The four GUMPATCHERS exit.)
MR. POPHABACUS
Ha, ha, ha, ha. That was easy.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
They’re such gullible fools. They believe everything we say!
Gumpatch by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 5:
(MUFFLE, SLOMO, MARZIPAN, and NUMMY enter.)
MARZIPAN
Look, Nummy, strangers!
NUMMY
Yes, Marzipan. I have never seen them before.
MUFFLE and SLOMO
Who are they and what do they want?
MR. POPHABACUS
I am Mr. Phophabacus and this is Chimpy-chump.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
We have come to give you a warning.
MARZIPAN
A warning? Is something terrible going to happen? Is my hair going to fall out?
MR. POPHABACUS
Yes, your hair is going to fall out.
MARZIPAN
Not my lovely hair!
NUMMY
Poor Marzipan. You will look very strange when you are bald. What will happen to me, Mr. Phophabaus and Chimpy-chump?
CHIMPY-CHUMP
Your teeth will fall out.
NUMMY
But I need them to chew my food. How will I chew without my teeth?
MARZIPAN
You will have to make all your food into liquid, Nummy, and drink it out of a jug.
NUMMY
Liquid bread? Liquid meat? Liquid carrots and liquid beets?
MUFFLE and SLOMO
What will happen to Muffle and Slomo? What will happen to Muffle and Slomo?
MR. POPHABACUS
Your brains will bleed out through your nose holes.
MUFFLE and SLOMO
No! Not our brains! We need them to walk and talk!
MARZIPAN
Mrs. Bigmop will cure us, Mr. Phophabacus.
MUFFLE and SLOMO
She loves us and gives us medicine.
MR. POPHABACUS
She has given all the medicine to her special friend Muffin Puffin.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
She does not care about you. She only loves Muffin Puffin.
NUMMY
Why, that awful Muffin Puffin, taking all our medicine!
MUFFLE and SLOMO
Muffin Puffin is Mrs. Bigmop’s favourite.
MARZIPAN
She gives everything to that Muffin Puffin while my hair falls out!
MR. POPHABACUS
Perhaps you should get rid of Mrs. Bigmop.
MARZIPAN, NUMMY, MUFFLE, and SLOMO
Yes, yes, we must get rid of MRs. Bigmop, and Muffin Puffin too!
(Recommended melody for “My Hair Is Going To Fall Right Out“)
(MARZIPAN, NUMMY, MUFFLEW, and SLOMO sing.)
(MARZIPAN)
My hair is going to fall right out
(NUMMY)
My teeth will fall out too!
(MUFFLE and SLOMO)
My brains will leak right though my nose,
(ALL)
Whatever will we do?
(MARZIPAN and NUMMY)
Oh, Mrs. Bigmop is to blame;
She does not even care!
(MUFFLE and SLOMO)
‘Cause Muffin Puffin gets her love,
There’s nothing left to share!
(ALL)
Oh, we should make her go away
And Muffin Puffin too;
We’ll send them off and take their stuff
Before the day is through.
Oh, Mrs. Bigmop is to blame;
She does not even care!
‘Cause Muffin Puffin gets her love,
There’s nothing left to share,
Share, share, share,
Share!
(The four GUMPATCHERS exit.)
CHIMPY-CHUMP
That was so easy!
MR. PHOPHABACUS
The Purple Witch will reward us well for our good work today.
Gumpatch by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 6:
(SHOOFLY, LULU, DOLLY-POLLY, and TUTTLE enter.)
DOLLYPOLLY
Look, Tuttle, two people we have never seen before!
TUTTLE
Tuttle is scared, Dollypolly. The big one is ugly and the little one looks like a mean little monkey.
LULU
Don’t judge a book by its cover, Tuttle. Perhaps they are here to give us presents.
SHOOFLY
I like presents, Lulu.
LULU
Do you, Shoofly?
SHOOFLY
Yes I do, Lulu.
DOLLYPOLLY
(to MR. PHOPHACUS and CHIMPY-CHUMP)
Are you going to give us something?
CHIMPY-CHUMP
Yes, we are here to give you a present…the present of the truth.
MR. POPHABACUS
I’m Mr. Phophabacus, and this is my friend Chimpy-chump.
DOLLYPOLLY
See, Tuttle? They are not mean. They are going to tell us the truth.
TUTTLE
I like the truth, Dollypolly. It makes everything as clear as glass.
LULU
You are very generous, Mr. Phophabacus. Some people would make us pay for the truth.
SHOOFLY
Give us our present. Tell us the truth.
MR. POPHABACUS
The truth is that Mrs. Bigmop is planning to kill you all.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
She and Muffin Puffin are going to murder you while you sleep.
MR. POPHABACUS
They have two big, sharp knives.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
Tonight they will sneak into your houses and stick the knives right into your hearts!
DOLLYPOLLY
Murder us? I though Mrs. Bigmop loved us!
MR. POPHABACUS
She was tricking you so you would not be on your guard.
TUTTLE
How evil! Thank you for telling us the truth.
LULU
We must get Mrs. Bigmop before she gets us.
SHOOFLY
And we must get Muffin Puffin too.
(Recommended melody for “Mrs. Bigmop Wants To Stab Us“)
(DOLLYPOLLY, TUTTLE, LULU, and SHOOFLY sing.)
Mrs. Bigmop wants to stab us
In the darkness of the night,
But we won’t let her kill us
Without a proper fight.
(DOLLYPOLLY)
We must stop her act of murder,
(TUTTLE)
We must stop her evil plan!
(LULU and SHOOFLY)
We must save ourselves from danger
Any way we can.
(DOLLYPOLLY and TUTTLE)
That evil Muffin Puffin
Is dangerous as well;
(ALL)
We must find a way to get them
And send them both to hell.
Mrs. Bigmop wants to stab us
In the darkness of the night,
But we won’t let her kill us
Without a brave fight.
(The four GUMPATCHERS exit.)
MR. POPHABACUS
It’s amazing how they believe everything we tell them.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
They are full of innocence and trust. That’s what makes them weak.
Gumpatch by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 7:
(POPPITY-WOPPITY, SLAM, JEEP, and SLEEPYDUST enter.)
SLAM
Look, Poppity-Woppity, two strangers! Perhaps one of them will ask me to marry him.
POPPITY-WOPPITY
Perhaps they will give me gold, Slam, so I can buy a new dress.
JEEP
Oh, Sleepydust, I wonder if one of them would paint my little cottage for free?
SLEEPYDUST
Maybe they will let me go with them on a great adventure, Jeep.
JEEP
Pah! What good is an adventure? How I wish they would paint my cottage in pink, blue, and yellow stripes!
MR. POPHABACUS
We will do something much more wonderful than that.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
We will tell you where there is a huge pile of gold.
SLAM
Where? Where? I will dig it up and use it to have a big party for all my friends!
POPPITY-WOPPITY
You better share some of it with me, Slam, or I will box your ears!
SLAM
Just try it, Poppity-Woppity, and see what you get!
JEEP
If the pile is big enough, we can all share it and still be rich!
SLEEPYDUST
The pile must be divided evenly. I want my fair share.
MR. POPHABACUS
It’s none of our business what you do with the gold.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
We just want to tell you where it is.
JEEP, SLEEPYDUST, POPPITY-WOPPITY, and SLAM
Where is it? Where is it?
MR. POPHABACUS
Under Mrs. Bigmop’s house.
SLAM
How did it get there?
CHIMPY-CHUMP
Mrs. Bigmop comes to your houses in the night and steals it from you.
POPPITY-WOPPITY
But I don’t have any money.
MR. POPHABACUS
Precisely.
JEEP
Why, that no good Mrs. Bigmop! She told us she loved us.
SLEEPYDUST
What a liar! She’s a thief, and Muffin Puffin is a thief too.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
If you got rid of her, you could get all the gold back.
SLAM
We must find a way !
(Recommended melody for “Gold, Gold, All That Gold“)
(JEEP, SLEEPYDUST, POPPITY-WOPPITY, and SLAM sing.)
(SLAM and POPPITY-WOPPITY)
Gold! Gold! All that gold!
Glittering under her house!
(JEEP and SLEEPYDUST)
Gold! Gold! All that gold!
That no good, thieving louse!
(SLAM)
She told us that she loved us!
(POPPITY-WOPPITY)
She was as sweet as honey.
(JEEP and SLEEPYDUST)
But while we all were sleeping,
She took away our money.
(ALL)
We’ll find a way to make her pay
For every coin she took.
We’ll find a way this very day!
That no-good, dirty crook!
(The four GUMPATCHERS exit.)
MR. POPHABACUS
What a bunch of chumps.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
Don’t make fun of my name.
MR. POPHABACUS
Oh. Sorry, Chimpy-chump.
Gumpatch by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 8:
(BODKIN, SNIFFLE, DANDELION, and OLD UNCLE RUMBLE enter.)
OLD UNCLE RUMBLE
Well, I never! My, my, my! Two strangers! Two gentlemen! Two souls I’ve never seen before! Old Uncle Rumble is interested, oh yes, Old Uncle Rumble is interested. Sniff, sniff, sniff…yes, they are strangers. I have never smelled them, no, never, hmmmmm? Yes, yes, yes, their stench is new, my Dandelion, my Dandy, Dandy, Dandelion, hmmmmmm?
DANDELION
Yes, Old Uncle R-r-r-Ramble. St-st-st-strangers. D-d-d-d-dandelion is sc-sc-sc-scared.
BODKIN
They don’t look so tough. Sniffle and I could make them whimper.
SNIFFLE
Oh, Bodkin, you are secretly afraid of them. I can tell because you are smiling nervously and your lips are quivering.
BODKIN
You are afraid of them too, Sniffle. Your nose is running and it only runs when you’re scared.
MR. POPHABACUS
I’m glad to see that you are so interested in us.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
We mean you no harm. I am Chimpy-chump, and this is Mr. Phophabacus.
OLD UNCLE RUMBLE
Phophabacus, Phophabacus, Phopha, Phopha, Pophabacus! Such a name, such a name, hmmmm? Phophabacus! What’s in a name, hmmmm? Old Uncle Rumble has a name too. He has just said it. Ha, ha, ha, my little joke. Pleased I am to meet you, my pretties!
DANDELION
Wh-wh-wh-what are you d-d-d-doing in G-g-g-gumpatch, M-m-m-mister Ph-ph-ph-ph-ph-ph-ph-ph-ph-ph-ph-ph-ph-ph-ph-ph-ph-ph-ph-ph-ph-ph-ph-ph-ph-ph…
MR. POPHABACUS
Phophabacus, lassie, Phophabacus. That’s my name. Don’t wear out the first syllable.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
Bodkin, you don’t look well.
BODKIN
What?
CHIMPY-CHUMP
Death is written on your face.
BODKIN
Death?
SNIFFLE
Are you a doctor? Bodkin is very fragile, you know. She always looks like she is dying.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
We are both doctors.
MR. POPHABACUS
You all look sick to me. Very sick. You are so sick you don’t even know you are sick.
OLD UNCLE RUMBLE
Sick? Sick? Sick? I thought I was just old, just very old, just very, very, very old. Perhaps I am sick, too. Yes, sick. Sick right through to my bones, my poor old bones, hmmmmm? Poor Old Uncle Rumble, sick and dying…sick and dying.
DANDELION
I h-h-h-have a s-s-s-sore t-t-t-toe. And m-m-m-my t-t-t-tongue w-w-w-won’t c-c-c-co-op-op-op-operate.
BODKIN
I knew it! I’m dying! Oh, merciful spirits of earth, air, and water, please spare me! I don’t want to die!
SNIFFLE
I’m so young, too young to die, and I feel the terrible creeping fever that is rising in my body, choking off my young, young life. Ohhhhhhhhhh!
CHIMPY-CHUMP
You are all allergic to Mrs. Bigmop. That is what is causing you to become sick and soon it will make you die.
BODKIN
Allergic to Mrs. Bigmop!
SNIFFLE
We must get rid of her before she kills us all!
(Recommended melody for “Like a Wart Chopped Off With a Knife!“)
(BODKIN, SNIFFLE, DANDELION, and OLD UNCLE RUMBLE sing.)
(OLD UNCLE RUMBLE and DANDELION)
We’re allergic to Mrs. Bigmop
She’s making us all get sick
(BODKIN and SNIFFLE)
We’ll send her away forever
That ought to do the trick
(ALL)
When she’s gone we’ll all feel young
And strong and full of life!
We’ll cut her out of Gumpatch
In a trice,
A wart chopped off with a knife!
(The four GUMPATCHERS exit.)
CHIMPY-CHUMP
Now all we have to do is wait.
MR. PHOPHABACUS
Once they get rid of Mrs. Bigmop, it will be easy to control them all.
(They exit.)
Gumpatch by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 9:
(PRINCESS SUNBEAM and PUPPY enter.)
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
Well, here we are in Gumpatch, Puppy.
PUPPY
Yes, yes, Princess Sunbeam, and it is a lovely sunny day.
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
But there are clouds on the horizon, Puppy. A storm is coming.
PUPPY
Oh dear, I hate it when my fur gets wet.
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
I hope we find my father soon. He must be here somewhere.
(MRS. BIGMOP and MUFFIN PUFFIN enter.)
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
Hello. Perhaps you can help us. We are looking for a big man in dark clothes and his little companion. Perhaps you’ve seen them?
MRS. BIGMOP
I’m sorry, I’ve seen no one who looks like that. And you are?
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
I don’t like to tell people my name.
(PUPPY snarls, guarding the PRINCESS.)
PUPPY
Rrrrrrrrrrowwwwwwrrrrrrr!
MRS. BIGMOP
Don’t you trust me?
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
I don’t trust anyone.
MUFFIN PUFFIN
This is Mrs. Bigmop, and I am Muffin Puffin. We won’t hurt you.
MRS. BIGMOP
You look so tired. Won’t you sit for a while and rest?
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
(looking at her closely)
You look like my mother. Or at least, you look like pictures of my mother.
MRS. BIGMOP
Pictures?
PUPPY
Yes, pictures. Princess Sunbeam’s mother died when she was a baby.
(realizing he has just given away the PRINCESS’s identity)
Whoooops!
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
Oh, Puppy, you silly dog. When will you learn to hold your tongue?
(PUPPY sticks out his tongue and bites down on it.)
MRS. BIGMOP
You are Princess Sunbeam? Princess Sunbeam from the Kingdom of the Sun?
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
Yes, I am Princess Sunbeam.
MRS. BIGMOP
Actually, I knew who you were the moment I saw you. I know a lot about your kingdom, you see.
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
How do you know?
MRS. BIGMOP
I lived there once. But I left because I knew trouble was coming.
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
And trouble has come. My father, King Jollygood, and his prime-minister Sir Thinkwell have been enslaved by the Purple Witch. She sent them here to take control of your little village of Gumpatch. That is why I must find them and try and break the Purple Witch’s spell.
MUFFIN PUFFIN
You must tell her the secret, Mrs. Bigmop.
MRS. BIGMOP
Yes, I must tell you the secret, Princess Sunbeam.
PUPPY
I like to keep secrets. Once Princess Sunbeam told me a secret. She said that she stole a cake from the royal kitchen and ate it in her bedroom.
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
Puppy, you naughty dog! You didn’t keep my secret!
PUPPY
Whoooops! I’m sorry, I’m just a silly little puppy with a poor memory and a big mouth.
MRS. BIGMOP
I will tell you the secret.
(Recommended melody for “Three Small Words“)
(MRS. BIGMOP sings)
There are three small words
That will break the spell
And free the royal king;
The words are fine for you to say
And easy for me to sing!
(MUFFIN PUFFIN sings)
But the words won’t work
To break the spell
And free your father grand
Unless they’re said by everyone
Who lives in this small land.
(MRS. BIGMOP sings)
The three small words are
In my heart;
I’ve learned them very well!
(BOTH sing)
Remember them and maybe you
Will finally break the spell.
Just three small words
Will break the spell;
Just three small words
Will break the spell,
Will break the spell.
(MRS. BIGMOP whispers in PRINCESS SUNBEAM’s ear.)
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
(after reacting to what she hears)
On behalf of my father and my poor enslaved kingdom, I thank you.
PUPPY
On behalf of the puppies of the Kingdom of the Sun, I thank you.
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
Puppy and I will continue the search for my father. But now it will be easier, because you have given me a tiny bit of hope. Goodbye.
MRS. BIGMOP
Goodbye, Princess Sunbeam.
MUFFIN PUFFIN
Goodbye, Puppy!
PUPPY
Woof, woof, goodbye, goodbye!
(PUPPY and PRINCESS SUNBEAM exit.)
Gumpatch by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 10:
(MRS. BIGMOP takes MUFFIN PUFFIN by the hands.)
MRS. BIGMOP
Now we must be prepared for the most terrible moment, Muffin Puffin.
MUFFIN PUFFIN
I am ready, Mrs. Bigmop.
(They go downstage and stand side by side. The people of Gumpatch enter from both sides and form a tableau behind her.)
OOPSY-DOOPSY, BUZZY-BEE, CORKY, and NOSTRIL
Mrs. Bigmop, you put poison in our food and made us have nightmares!
NUMMY, MARZIPAN, MUFFLE, and SLOMO
Mrs. Bigmop, you took all our medicine and gave it to Muffin Puffin. Now our hair and teeth will fall out, and our brains will leak through our noses.
LULU, SHOOFLY, TUTTLE, and DOLLYPOLLY
Mrs. Bigmop, you and Muffin Puffin were going to sneak into our houses and murder us in the night with your sharp knives!
POPPITY-WOPPITY, SLAM, JEEP, and SLEEPYDUST
Mrs. Bigmop, you stole our gold and buried it under your house.
SNIFFLE, BODKIN and OLD UNCLE RUMBLE
Mrs. Bigmop, we are allergic to you! We must get rid of you or we will get sicker and sicker until we die.
DANDELION
S-s-s-sicker until w-w-w-we d-d-d-die.
(MARZIPAN and NUMMY take MRS. BIGMOP by the arms. LULU and SHOOFLY take MUFFIN PUFFIN by the arms.)
OLD UNCLE RUMBLE
We are going to put you, oh yes, put you, into, into, into a cage, yes, a cage, a cage, a cage, Mrs. Bigmop, Mrs Bigmop, and, and Muffin Puffin, little Muffin Puffin too. Tomorrow, oh, tomorrow, yes, tomorrow, we will hitch horses, hitch horses to the cage. Horses will pull, pull, pull the cage far, far away, yes, far, far away from Gumpatch, our Gumpatch, for we do not want you here, no, we don’t want you here. We do not trust you, we do not trust you, we do not trust.
THE OTHER GUMPATCHERS
We do not trust.
(MRS. BIGMOP and MUFFIN PUFFIN are taken offstage. The GUMPATCHERS exit right and left.)
Gumpatch by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 11:
(MR. POPHABACUS and CHIMPY-CHUMP enter.)
MR. POPHABACUS
This has all been so simple, Chimpy-chump.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
Now we must call the big meeting, Mr. Phophabacus.
MR. POPHABACUS
Yes, when they are all gathered, I will tell them to never believe the biggest lie of all.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
What is the biggest lie of all, Mr. Phophabacus?
MR. PHOPHABACUS
That truth is beauty.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
What will happen if they stop believing that truth is beauty?
MR. PHOPHABACUS
Our job will be complete, and the Purple Witch will reward us handsomely for enslaving the people of Gumpatch.
(Recommended melody for “Ugliness and Lies“)
(MR. PHOPHABACUS and CHIMPY CHUMP sing)
Ugliness and lies are the only real things
In this dark world cold and dead;
Ugliness and lies are the tools that we use
To save us from losing our heads.
There are fools everywhere that absolutely swear
That kindness and love are worthwhile,
But we know the way to survive every day
Is to kill with a knife while we smile.
(They exit.)
Gumpatch by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 12:
(MRS. BIGMOP enters with MUFFIN PUFFIN.)
MUFFIN PUFFIN
It’s a good thing you had the key to that cage, Mrs. Bigmop.
MRS. BIGMOP
Yes, Muffin Puffin.
MUFFIN PUFFIN
Where did you get it from?
MRS. BIGMOP
In my long life I’ve found the keys to many things, Muffin Puffin.
MUFFIN PUFFIN
The people of Gumpatch were foolish to leave us unguarded.
MRS. BIGMOP
Perhaps deep in some secret corner of their hearts, they did not really want to lock us up and send us away. Now we must hide until everyone arrives for the big meeting.
(They exit.)
Gumpatch by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 13:
(CORKY, NOSTRIL, BUZZY-BEE and OOPSY-DOOPSY enter.)
CORKY
Mr. Phophabacus wants to talk to all of us.
NOSTRIL
He’s such a wise man.
BUZZY-BEE
Chimpy-chump’s wise, too!
OOPSY-DOOPSY
He and Mr. Phophabacus will protect us from all the evil in the world.
(MARZIPAN, NUMMY, MUFFLE and SLOMO enter.)
MARZIPAN
Maybe Mr. Phophabacus is going to do magic tricks for us.
NUMMY
He and Chimpy-chump are the most magical beings I have ever met!
MUFFLE and SLOMO
Mr. Phophabacus is so strong!
MARZIPAN
I wish he lived in my house so he could protect me forever.
NUMMY
I think Chimpy-chump is even smarter than Mr. Phophabacus.
MUFFLE and SLOMO
Perhaps you are falling in love with Chimpy-Chump, Nummy.
NUMMY
Perhaps I am.
(DOLLYPOLLY, TUTTLE, SHOOFLY and LULU enter,)
DOLLYPOLLY
I’m thrilled and honoured to be invited to Mr. Phophabacus’s meeting.
TUTTLE
We are so lucky to have a fine man like Mr. Phophabacus in Gumpatch to protect us.
SHOOFLY
It’s a dangerous world. Just look at the way Mrs. Bigmop fooled us all.
LULU
We need a strong leader like Mr. Phophabacus.
(SLAM, POPPITY-WOPPITY, JEEP, and SLEEPYDUST enter.)
SLAM
Things will be better now Mrs. Bigmop is gone.
POPPITY-WOPPITY
She was so mean.
JEEP
Mr. Phophabacus will be a much better leader.
SLEEPYDUST
And Chimpy-Chump will tell Mr. Phophabacus if he sees anyone being naughty.
SLAM
Chimpy-Chump will watch my pile of gold for me.
POPPITY WOPPITY
But you don’t have any gold, Slam.
SLEEPYDUST
Because Mrs. Bigmop stole it, just like Mr. Phophabacus said.
SLAM
If Mrs. Bigmop was standing here, I’d kick her bottom so hard!
(SNIFFLE, BODKIN, DANDELION, and OLD UNCLE RUMBLE enter.)
SNIFFLE
It’s a stormy morning and there’s no sign of the sun.
BODKIN
It’s a good thing we have Mr. Phophabacus to protect us.
DANDELION
H-h-h-he w-w-w-will m-m-m-make the st-st-st-storm st-st-st-stay away.
OLD UNCLE RUMBLE
It’s a new era, a new, new day, with a new, new leader, eh? What do you say, eh? A new era, a new day, I say, I say.
(Recommended melody for “Our Leaders Must Protect Us From Ourselves“)
(The GUMPATCHERS sing.)
The world is a dangerous place.
Our leader must be strong!
He must protect us.
He must protect us.
The world is a frightening place.
Our leader must be strong!
With an iron fist!
With an iron fist!
No one can be trusted.!
There’s trouble everywhere!
Our leader must protect us from ourselves.
Our leader must protect us from ourselves.
Our leader must protect us from ourselves.
Our leader must protect us from ourselves.
Gumpatch by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 14:
(MR. POPHABACUS and CHIMPY-CHUMP enter.)
MR. POPHABACUS
I am glad to see you are all here.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
Mr. Phophabacus has something important to tell you.
MR. POPHABACUS
I must tell you the biggest truth of all.
THE GUMPATCHERS
The biggest truth of all!
(PRINCESS SUNBEAM and PUPPY enter.)
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
Wait! Can my friend Puppy and I attend the meeting? We have heard what you have done and we are glad to be here.
MR. POPHABACUS
Only if you can prove that you are not on the side of that evil woman Mrs. Bigmop.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
If you are on her side, we will throw you in the river.
PUPPY
Rowrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
Down, Puppy. I can prove that Puppy and I are on your side, Mr. Phophabacus.
MR. POPHABACUS
Then do so.
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
We agree that there is no truth and beauty in your world, only lies and ugliness.
MR. POPHABACUS
Correct. Go on.
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
We agree that we must lead lives of devotion to a strong leader who will protect us.
MR. POPHABACUS
Of course. But you have still not proven that you are truly obedient to me.
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
Neither has anyone else here. You must get us all to swear an oath.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
What sort of oath?
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
Get us to answer this question: “What is the biggest lie of all?”
MR. POPHABACUS
What is the answer to the question?
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
The answer is, “Truth is beauty”.
MR. POPHABACUS
That is a good idea. If everyone answers, it will prove that they understand why they must give up their freedom.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
(aside, to MR. PHOPHABACUS)
Perhaps it is a trick.
MR. POPHABACUS
No. It is a simple test that is easily given.
(addressing the crowd)
I will ask the question, “What is the biggest lie of all?” and you must answer, “Truth is beauty”. Then I might believe you are loyal.
THE GUMPATCHERS
Ask and we will answer.
MR. PHOPHABACUS
What is the biggest lie of all?
THE GUMPATCHERS
(in unison)
Truth is beauty.
(MR. POPHABACUS and CHIMPY-CHUMP become very still, then collapse.)
DOLLYPOLLY
What has happened?
TUTTLE
Are they dead?
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
No. They are coming to the end of a long dream.
PUPPY
See, they are starting to wake up.
(MR. PHOPHABACUS and CHIMPY-CHUMP get up slowly and look around.)
MR. POPHABACUS
Princess Sunbeam? My daughter?
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
Yes, father, I am your daughter. You were in a spell.
CHIMPY-CHUMP
King Jollygood, is that you?
MR. PHOPHABACUS
(to CHIMPY-CHUMP)
Prime Minister Thinkwell!
CHIMPY-CHUMP
Where are we?
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
You both had a bad nightmare, and walked all the way to Gumpatch in your sleep.
(The GUMPATCHERS watch, stunned and amazed. MRS. BIGMOP and MUFFIN PUFFIN enter. KING JOLLYGOOD
looks at MRS. BIGMOP with shock.)
MRS. BIGMOP
People of Gumpatch, there was no “Mr. Phophabacus” or “Chimpy-chump”. They were imaginary beings, created by the Purple Witch.
THE GUMPATCHERS
(with awe)
The Purple Witch!
MRS. BIGMOP
She put King Jollygood and Sir Thinkwell into a trance and sent them here to trick you into allowing her to take over your kingdom and take away your freedom.
KING JOLLYGOOD
My dear, you’ve come back to me.
MRS. BIGMOP
Yes, my husband, it’s me, Queen Forever.
KING JOLLYGOOD
You left so long ago, and yet you look no older!
MRS. BIGMOP
I left the kingdom when I knew the Purple Witch was going to steal it from you. I’ve been waiting for you, and it’s as though time has stood still.
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
Mother?
MRS. BIGMOP
Yes, my dear. I had to abandon you, because that was the only way I could truly love you.
PRINCESS SUNBEAM
Sometimes love is the hardest path to follow.
MRS. BIGMOP
Yes, and now, with the help of the good people of Gumpatch, love will find a way to win back the Kingdom of the Sun from the Purple Witch.
SIR THINKWELL
I think the people of Gumpatch are ready for a new oath.
KING JOLLYGOOD
And what is that, Sir Thinkwell?
SIR THINKWELL
The answer to the question, “What is the greatest truth of all?” I think they know the answer.
KING JOLLYGOOD
Good people, what is the greatest truth of all?
THE GUMPATCHERS
Truth is beauty, and beauty is truth!
(Recommended melody for “Truth Is Beauty“)
(all sing)
“Truth is beauty and beauty is truth”
This is all you need to know
To love the story of your life,
And find the secret of your soul.
The search for truth and search for beauty
Is a wondrous, worthy duty
Look for beauty and find truth
Look for truth and find beauty.
Lies and ugliness are shadows
With no substance and no sound
Truth and beauty are like sunshine
Always there behind the clouds.
“Truth is beauty and beauty is truth”
This is all you need to know
To love the story of your life,
And find the secret of your soul.
Of your soul.
END OF THE PLAY.