Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2003
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 55 minutes
• style: clown parody of film noir
• suitable for general audiences
• 30 characters (20 female, 10 male)
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Johnny Flamingo and the Tough Talking Dames” is a lighthearted, clownish romp through the shadowy world of film noir. Intrepid private investigator Johhny Flamingo searches for a femme fatale’s missing sister and finds himself embroiled with two all-female gangs, a pair of gypsy fortune-tellers, a mad doctor, and a group of zombies.
(This play was first performed on March 27, 28, 31, and April 1, 2, in the year 2003, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
∗Published Online by Good School Plays, March 30, 2015.
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Prologue
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Scene 5
Scene 6
Scene 7
Scene 8
Scene 9
Scene 10
Scene 11
Scene 12
Scene 13
Scene 14
Scene 15
Scene 16
Scene 17
CHARACTERS:
The P.I. and his Secretary:
Johnny Flamingo
Alice Willing
The Femme Fatale and her Sister:
Femfa Tawl
Notta Tawl
The Gypsies:
Gemini Capricorn
Virgo Capricorn
The Stool Pigeon:
Rodentio Vermicelli
The Screaming Witches Gang:
Babyfay Spully
Vanna Beetcha
Punchy Nukkals
The Flophouse Frails Gang:
Ima Dabossayu
Eureka Veeval
Billi Klubb
The Patron Saint of Gumshoes:
Saint Grizelda of the Eternally Bleeding Toenail
The Police:
Police Sargent Brick Wall
Police Constable Grunt McPucker
The Waitresses:
Fryzanna Burger, Waitress
Vanilla Shake, Waitress
The Goody-Goodies:
Sweety Sonice, innocent victim
Sheeza Gudkid, innocent victim
River Uvluv, innocent victim
The Newspaper Reporters:
Slim Margin
Watkin Utelmee
The Medical Professionals:
Dr. Rip Cuttenchuk
Nurse Tippy Bedpanne
Hugo the Orderly
The Zombies:
Lurcha Round
Pushy Nupdazis
Torky Korps
Shayka Legg
Johnny Flamingo and the Tough Talking Dames by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Prologue:
(The ZOMBIES stand on stage very still)
LURCHA ROUND
I am dead. I have been for two years. I am partly rotted but much of me is still intact, thanks to the miracle of modern embalming. The name’s Lurcha…Lurcha Round.
PUSHY NUPDAZIS
A year and a half. That’s how long I’ve been dead. There’s not much to do…sort of like
(searches for a simile)
…high school…
(searches to explain the simile)
…lots and lots of nothing. My name? I’ve forgotten. If you must call me something, call me Pushy…Pushy Nupdazis.
TORKY KORPS
I died six months ago. They put me in a box in the ground. In life, I was hard to please. Now, I’m real low maintenance… I don’t even eat. In fact, other things eat me. Call me Torky…Torky Korps.
SHAYKA LEGG
Hello? Can you hear me? My name is Shayka. Shayka Legg. I used to be beautiful but now I am dead and rotten and my flesh is soggy and smelly and altogether nasty. My mother always said I had good bones, and I still do, but that’s all I’ve got.
(The ZOMBIES make their awkward way offstage.)
End of Prologue.
Johhny Flamingo and the Tough Talking Dames by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 1:
(Private Investigator JOHNNY FLAMINGO is onstage.)
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
(to audience)
I was resting my dogs after a hard day tailing a skirt for a sap she was two-timing when my secretary stepped in and gave me the goods on a new client.
(ALICE WILLING enters.)
ALICE WILLING
Pardon me, Mr. Flamingo…there’s a dame outside wants to see you. She says it’s a matter of life and death.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
(to audience)
Life and death. And all I wanted was a shot of corn and eight hours of shuteye.
(to ALICE)
Tell her to come back tomorrow.
ALICE WILLING
She’s no cheap dame, Mr. Flamingo. She’s wearing a pelt worth at least a “G”.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
All right, Alice. Send her in.
(ALICE exits, JOHNNY speaks to audience)
I figured if she was wearing fur, she’d be worth five minutes of my time. What I didn’t figure on was the figure under the fur.
(FEMFA TAWL enters and strikes a pose.)
FEMFA TAWL
Mr. Flamingo?
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
(getting up)
Ma’am….
FEMFA TAWL
(shaking his hand)
My name’s Tawl…Femfa Tawl. Mr. Flamingo….
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
(interrupting her)
Call me “Johnny”…
FEMFA TAWL
Johnny…I need the services of a private investigator.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
(to audience)
If she needed servicing, I was her man.
(to Femfa)
Well, now, the sign on the door says “Johnny Flamingo, P.I.” so I guess you’ve got what you need, Miss Tawl.
FEMFA TAWL
Call me “Femfa”. You see, it’s my sister Notta.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
Yeah?
FEMFA TAWL
She’s disappeared.
(dabbing at her eyes with a hanky)
I don’t know what to do! She’s been gone for two days.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
Did you call the cops?
FEMFA TAWL
Oh no. There can’t be any publicity. That’s why I came to you.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
Don’t want it getting in the papers?
FEMFA TAWL
I’m a very private person Mr. Flamingo…Johnny.
(handing him a roll of cash)
Very private.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
(inspecting the roll)
Listen, Femfa. You’re a classy-looking dame and that’s a lot of mazuma, but I’d lose my license if I was to do something…illegal.
(He puts the roll back in her hand.)
FEMFA TAWL
It’s nothing illegal. Can you keep a confidence?
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
I’ve built my reputation on discretion, Miss Tawl.
FEMFA TAWL
Of course. I didn’t mean to insult your professional dignity. I’ll set the record straight right now. My sister is mentally ill. She has escaped from her sanitorium. I must find her, but I can’t risk her finding out that I’m looking for her. If she knew, she might do something….drastic.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
Suicide?
FEMFA TAWL
Yes. Such a terrible thought. Can you help me, Johnny?
(Getting closer)
I’m sure I can make it worth your while.
(putting the roll of money back in his hand)
There’ll be another roll like that first one if you find her.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
(looking at the roll and putting it in his inside pocket)
I’m your man.
FEMFA TAWL
Thank you.
(producing a bundle of papers and a photo)
Here’s her picture and her personal history. How long will it take to find her?
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
(inspecting the bundle)
I’d say anything from a day to a week. Come in tomorrow. I’ll give you an update.
FEMFA TAWL
Thank you, Johnny.
(she takes his hands)
It’s such a relief to know I’m in good hands.
(She gives him a searching look and exits.)
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
(to audience)
I liked the thought of having her in my hands. But when I got through reading that bundle of papers, I wasn’t sure who was in whose hands. So I took a hike to the seedy part of town to have a yak with slob who might know the scoop on the missing frail.
(He exits.)
End of Scene 1.
Johhny Flamingo and the Tough Talking Dames by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 2:
(RODENTIO VERMICELLIs enters, looking seedy.)
RODENTIO VERMICELLI
I, Rodentio Vermicelli, see, hear, feel, smell and taste everything. That is why everyone must come to Rodentio in the end…and pay me for my information.
(cupping his hand to his ear)
Someone approaches!
(JOHNNY FLAMINGO enters)
RODENTIO VERMICELLI
Johnny! How nice to see you…
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
Yeah, sure.
(showing photo)
You seen this broad around anywhere?
RODENTIO VERMICELLI
(regarding the photo with raised eyebrows)
For ten dollars, Rodentio might know something.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
(to audience)
Rodentio Vermicelli was a nasty little rat, but his dope on the broad came cheap, and I was in a hurry.
(peeling off a bill and giving it to Rodentio)
Spill…and you better be on the level.
RODENTIO VERMICELLI
Rodentio thinks you should talk to the gypsy women in the little shop at the waterfront. The gypsy women will tell Johnny Flamingo what he wants to know…
(RODENTIO exits.)
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
(to audience)
The gypsy women made a living selling bogus fortunes to suckers down at the docks. They were a shady pair of dames who’d gyp their own mothers, but like I said, I was in a hurry.
(JOHNNY exits. Dead Person Interlude: The ZOMBIES enter and stand still.)
LURCHA ROUND
When you’re dead, there’s only one thing you can be.
ZOMBIES:
Dead. Dead. Dead.
Dead. Dead. Dead.
Dead. Dead. Dead.
Dead. Dead. Dead.
(They walk off stiffly, with no expressions whatsoever.)
End of Scene 2.
Johhny Flamingo and the Tough Talking Dames by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 3:
(GEMINI CAPRICORN and VIRGO CAPRICORN enter leading NOTTA TAWL, who is tied to a rope)
NOTTA TAWL
What are you going to do to me, you gypsy creeps?
GEMINI CAPRICORN
Not as much as you are going to do for us, Miss Tawl. Virgo, the Bumblebee, if you please…
VIRGO CAPRICORN
Here it is, my dear sister.
(She produces a large bumblebee pendant on a chain.)
GEMINI CAPRICORN
(to NOTTA TAWL)
We must place it around your slender neck.
NOTTA TAWL
(attempting to back away)
What is that thing?
GEMINI CAPRICORN
It is the Burmese Bumblebee.
NOTTA TAWL
What’ll it do to me?
VIRGO CAPRICORN
Once you are wearing it, you will no longer need to know what it will do.
NOTTA TAWL
No! I don’t want to wear it!
(Virgo approaches her with the Bumblebee. NOTTA tries to resist, but GEMINI holds her while VIRGO puts the Bumblebee around her neck. NOTTA becomes completely docile and obedient.)
VIRGO CAPRICORN
The Bumblebee has charmed her into submission.
GEMINI CAPRICORN
Now we must sell her to the Screaming Witches Gang.
VIRGO CAPRICORN
(looking offstage)
Speak of the Devil!
(The SCREAMING WITCHES enter and strike an aggressive pose.)
BABYFAY SPULLY
I’m Babyfay Spully, boss of the Screaming Witches Gang.
GEMINI CAPRICORN
(striking a gypsy pose with Virgo)
I am Gemini Capricorn and this is my sister Virgo.
BABYFAY SPULLY
(indicating her followers)
This here is my lieutenant, Vanna Beetcha, and my enforcer Punchy Nukkals. That the dame you wanna sell us?
GEMINI CAPRICORN
She is one who bears the mark.
BABYFAY SPULLY
Oh yeah?
VIRGO CAPRICORN
Her name is Notta Tawl.
VANNA BEETCHA
(moving closer to Notta to inspect her)
Notta Tawl. That’s a hell of a name.
PUNCHY NUKKALS
(also moving in to inspect NOTTA)
What’s that bug hanging around her neck?
VIRGO CAPRICORN
“Bug”? That is no “bug”.
PUNCHY NUKKALS
I know a bug when I see one, ya dumb gypsies…
VIRGO CAPRICORN
It is the Burmese Bumblebee, you ignorant clown.
PUNCHY NUKKALS
(angered by the insult)
Why, you trash-talking gypsy witch!
VANNA BEETCHA
Give her a poke in the schnoz, Punchy!
(PUNCHY moves to punch VIRGO, but BABYFAY stops her.)
BABYFAY SPULLY
Don’t do it, Punchy. She’d put a curse on ya, and turn ya gams into tree trunks .
VANNA BEETCHA
Haw, haw…turn ya gams inta tree trunks, Punchy! That’d be an improvement!
PUNCHY NUKKALS
Why, I oughta…
(PUNCHY grabs VANNA and is about to lay a blow on her head, but again BABYFAY intervenes.)
BABYFAY SPULLY
Take it easy, Punchy…we got business to do.
VANNA BEETCHA
Yeah, take it easy, ya jingle-brained palooka!
PUNCHY NUKKALS
I ain’t no palooka. I’m a dame, and dames ain’t palookas.
VANNA BEETCHA
Face it, Punchy, ya may as well be a palooka. Look at the size of yer biceps, for the love of Mike.
BABYFAY SPULLY
Shaddap! Punchy ain’t a palooka. She’s a jane, a skirt, a bim…ya get it, Vanna?
PUNCHY NUKKALS
Why’d ya call me a bim, Babyfay? I ain’t no roundheels.
VANNA BEETCHA
No? I saw ya takin’ greenbacks from a sailor last night.
PUNCHY NUKKALS
That was my cousin.
VANNA BEETCHA
That’s even worse!
PUNCHY NUKKALS
All’s he was doin’ was givin’ me some dough for a heater I copped for him.
BABYFAY SPULLY
(taking out her gun)
Will ya shut yer heads, or do I gotta blow a new hole in them with my heater?
(They shut up and BABYFAY puts her gun away and talks to the GYPSIES.)
BABYFAY SPULLY
Now, what kin this woman do fer us?
VIRGO CAPRICORN
She’s got the gift…
GEMINI CAPRICORN
Look into her eyes…look really close…see how empty they are?
BABYFAY SPULLY
(peering into NOTTA’s eyes)
Yeah, so?
VIRGO CAPRICORN
She has gypsy ancestors…
(showing the dot on NOTTA’s forehead)
…and she’s got the mark of Nosferatu.
GEMINI CAPRICORN
She’s an animator…she can raise the dead.
VANNA BEETCHA
What good is that to us Screaming Witches?
PUNCHY NUKKALS
What in screamin’ hell would we do with a bunch of zombies?
BABYFAY SPULLY
Shaddap.
(to the gypsies)
Why do you want to sell her to us?
GEMINI CAPRICORN
You have enemies…the Flophouse Frails Gang…
BABYFAY SPULLY
So?
GEMINI CAPRICORN
With an army of the undead, you could defeat them….
VIRGO CAPRICORN
…and anyone else who threatens your power…
VANNA BEETCHA
Why’s she wearing that bumblebee?
GEMINI CAPRICORN
The bee transforms those who bear the mark of Nosferatu…
VIRGO CAPRICORN
…it makes her your slave…
GEMINI CAPRICORN
…and unleashes her power to summon the dead from their graves…
VIRGO CAPRICORN
But be warned…
VIRGO and GEMINI
…never remove the Bumblebee!
GEMINI CAPRICORN
If you do, she will turn on you and destroy you.
BABYFAY SPULLY
We wouldn’t want that, now would we? How do we get her to raise the dead?
GEMINI CAPRICORN
(producing a book)
She comes complete with an operator’s manual.
(VIRGO CAPRICORN hands the book to BABYFAY.)
PUNCHY NUKKALS
(taking BABYFAY aside)
I don’t like it, Babyfay. We shouldn’t be messin’ with the dead.
VANNA BEETCHA
How do we know she’s on the level?
BABYFAY SPULLY
(taking out her gun and pointing it at GEMINI)
We ain’t payin’ a cent until this broad raises the dead and they deep six the Flophouse Frails, see?
VANNA BEETCHA
Yeah…and Babyfay’s got a heater, so no funny business….
BABYFAY SPULLY
If you’re on the level and the skirt does what we want, we’ll pay you fair and square.
PUNCHY NUKKALS
Let’s beat it, Babyfay…we got what we need.
BABYFAY SPULLY
Yeah. Grab the frail.
(Punchy and VANNA grab NOTTA).
So long, suckers!
(They exit.)
GEMINI CAPRICORN
They fell for it, my gypsy sister.
VIRGO CAPRICORN
We’ll soon see who’s the suckers.
(JOHNNY FLAMINGO enters.)
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
Evening, ladies.
GEMINI CAPRICORN
Do you want your fortune told, Shamus?
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
In a manner of speaking.
(showing photo)
You seen this dame?
VIRGO and GEMINI
(pulling out knives)
No!
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
(to audience)
I knew they were lying. But I wasn’t going to argue. I decided to lay low for a bit and stake out the joint.
(to gypsies)
Have it your way, ladies. Let’s just say that Johnny was never here…
(He backs out and exits.)
VIRGO CAPRICORN
That gumshoe will be watching our shop.
GEMINI CAPRICORN
We’ll shake him somehow. Come, Virgo…it is time for the next step in our diabolical plan.
(They exit.)
End of Scene 3.
Johhny Flamingo and the Tough Talking Dames by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 4:
(JOHNNY’S secretary ALICE WILLING enters.)
ALICE WILLING
I sure hope Johnny’s okay. He’s out there somewhere in the naked city looking for some dame, and I’m stuck here in the office with nothing to do but worry.
(SAINT GRIZELDA OF THE ETERNALLY BLEEDING TOENAIL enters.)
ALICE WILLING
Holy Mother of Mary! A ghost!
SAINT GRIZELDA
No, Alice Willing…I am Saint Grizelda of the Eternally Bleeding Toenail…
ALICE WILLING
What do you want?
SAINT GRIZELDA
I am the patron saint of private investigators. Alice…Johnny is in great danger!
ALICE WILLING
I knew it!
SAINT GRIZELDA
You must help him.
ALICE WILLING
But how?
SAINT GRIZELDA
I don’t know.
(She exits.)
ALICE WILLING
I’ve got to find Johnny and warn him!
(She begins to exit, but POLICE SARGENT WALL and CONSTABLE McPUCKER enter.)
POLICE SARGENT WALL
Not so fast, little lady. I’m Sargent Wall. Brick Wall. And this is….
CONSTABLE McPUCKER
Constable Grunt McPucker, ma’am.
POLICE SARGENT WALL
Constable McPucker and I’ve got a couple of questions for you, Miss Willing.
ALICE WILLING
I’ve got nothing to hide.
CONSTABLE McPUCKER
Then why are you wearing them clothes?
POLICE SARGENT WALL
Constable McPucker!
(to ALICE)
He’s new. Now, Miss Willing, we need to find Johnny Flamingo.
ALICE WILLING
Oh, Sergeant, so do I! I’m terribly worried about him! Is he in trouble with the law?
CONSTABLE McPUCKER
Everyone’s in trouble with the law, lady, even if they don’t know it.
ALICE WILLING
Whatever do you mean, Constable?
CONSTABLE McPUCKER
Take you, for instance
ALICE WILLING
Me?
POLICE SARGENT WALL
…McPucker…
CONSTABLE McPUCKER
…a skirt like you is breaking the law just by being so pretty and not going on a date with guy like me.
ALICE WILLING
Gee, Constable McPucker, I guess I never looked at it that way before.
CONSTABLE McPUCKER
She’s lying, Sarge.
POLICE SARGENT WALL
Please, McPucker.
(to ALICE)
Sorry, ma’am, he’s new. Now, we got a tip from a certain stool pigeon called Rodentio Vermicelli.
CONSTABLE McPUCKER
A tip that led us to a pretty little miss who oughta do time with me for breaking the law of love….
POLICE SARGENT WALL
McPucker! You’re on duty, for the love of Christmas!
(to ALICE)
Vermicelli says that Johnny was gonna shake down a couple of gypsies. You know anything about a pair of gypsies?
ALICE WILLING
Why yes, Sergeant. They’re a couple of bogus fortune tellers who work the sailors down at the waterfront.
CONSTABLE McPUCKER
We’re looking for a bumblebee, Miss Willing, a shiny bug almost as cute as you.
POLICE SARGENT WALL
McPucker….
ALICE WILLING
A bumblebee?
CONSTABLE McPUCKER
A bumblebee, Miss…one that the government wants almost as bad as I want you.
POLICE SARGENT WALL
McPucker! That’s more than she needs to know! Now come with us, Miss Willing, and show us the dump where those gypsies hang their hats.
(SAINT GRIZELDA appears, but only ALICE can see her.)
SAINT GRIZELDA
Show them the way, my child…Johnny is facing a terrible threat!
ALICE WILLING
From what, Saint Grizelda?
SAINT GRIZELDA
I don’t know.
(She exits.)
ALIE WILLING
Gosh, Sergeant, I’d do anything to help Johnny. Let’s go.
(They exit.)
End of Scene 4.
Johhny Flamingo and the Tough Talking Dames by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 5:
(DR. CUTTENCHUK and HUGO enter.)
DR. CUTTENCHUK
Thanks for the massage, Hugo, my loyal orderly.
HUGO
You’re welcome, Dr. Cuttenchuk..
DR. CUTTENCHUK
Being a brain surgeon makes me tense. I appreciate your help.
HUGO
I try so hard to please you, Dr. Cuttenchuk, even though you lock me in the basement every night.
DR. CUTTENCHUK
It’s for your own good, Hugo…
HUGO
It is?
DR. CUTTENCHUK
I think of you as my son, and I don’t want you roaming the dangerous streets at night.
(NURSE BEDPANNE enters.)
NURSE BEDPANNE
Dr. Cuttenchuk, I just received a most unusual phonecall.
DR. CUTTENCHUK
Whatever do you mean, Nurse Bedpanne?
NURSE BEDPANNE
Does the name “Babyfay Spully” mean anything to you?
DR. CUTTENCHUK
“Babyfay Spully”…sounds like a ruffian of some sort.
NURSE BEDPANNE
Well, Doctor Cuttenchuk, a woman called “Babyfay Spully” phoned to request that you make a housecall to a dive down by the docks.
DR. CUTTENCHUK
What dive?
NURSE BEDPANNE
The Thirteenth Street Flophouse.
DR. CUTTENCHUK
I don’t do flophouses. What’s wrong with the woman?
NURSE BEDPANNE
She says she got your name from some sort of operator’s manual, and she needs you to help her “animate” a woman who bears a mark…she said it was…let me try to remember…oh yes, the “mark of Nosferatu.”
HUGO
Nosferatu! The undead!
DR. CUTTENCHUK
Yes, the undead! Do you know what this means, Nurse Bedpanne?
NURSE BEDPANNE
No, Doctor. It’s gibberish to me.
DR. CUTTENCHUK
The moment we have been waiting for for so long has finally arrived!
NURSE BEDPANNE
Oh, Doctor Cuttenchuk! You’re finally going to ask me to marry you!
DR. CUTTENCHUK
No, Nurse Bedpanne. I’m talking about the Burmese Bumblebee.
NURSE BEDPANNE
Burmese Bumblebee?
DR. CUTTENCHUK
Yes. The Bumblebee that, when placed around the neck of one who bears the mark of Nosferatu, will unleash tremendous power…
HUGO
…the power to make the dead undead.
NURSE BEDPANNE
But what does that have to do with you, with me, and our future together in a sky blue bungalow with a white picket fence and an apple tree?
DR. CUTTENCHUK
I am the only man on the planet who knows how to activate the one who bears the mark.
NURSE BEDPANNE
What do you mean by “activate’?
DR. CUTTENCHUK
(producing a huge hypodermic needle)
I have concocted a stimulant that I will administer to the one wearing the Burmese Bumblebee.
NURSE BEDPANNE
What will the stimulant do to her, Doctor Cuttenchuk?
DR. CUTTENCHUK
She will become mindlessly active.
NURSE BEDPANNE
But if she’s mindless, won’t her actions be useless?
DR. CUTTENCHUK
No! I will control her actions… actions that will be replicated by the undead
HUGO
…an unstoppable army of zombies!
NURSE BEDPANNE
How diabolical!
DR. CUTTENCHUK
Whatever I make her do, the undead will do in the exact same way.
HUGO
Doctor Cuttenchuk learned the technique in Romania while studying vampires.
NURSE BEDPANNE
Vampires! Oh Rip, if I may call you that, there’s so much I don’t know about you!
DR. CUTTENCHUK
Come, Tippy, if I may call you that. We must get to the one who bears the Bumblebee as fast as we can!
NURSE BEDPANNE
You’re so full of fire and energy, Doctor Rip…I find you terribly…exciting….
DR. CUTTENCHUK
Follow me and do my bidding, Tippy, just as Hugo does…and soon I’ll have you completely intoxicated by the irresistable combination of my natural animal magnetism and my superbly developed intellect.
(They exit.)
End of Scene 5.
Johhny Flamingo and the Tough Talking Dames by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 6:
(BABYFAY, PUNCHY, and VANNA enter with NOTTA TAWL.)
VANNA BEETCHA
Didja call that quack Cuttenchuk, Babyfay?
BABYFAY SPULLY
I gave him the old dingle, Vanna. He’ll be here in an hour to give this skirt the juice.
PUNCHY NUKKALS
Look at her standing there like a moron. Haw, Haw…it’s funny.
(NOTTA TAWL raises an arm and makes a fist and slams it down on PUNCHY’s head. PUNCHY goes down hard.)
VANNA BEETCHA
Didja see that, Babyfay? The skirt’s got a punch like a pile driver! She ain’t supposed to do nothin’ while she’s wearin’ that bumblebee. What in flamin’ hell’s goin’ on?
BABYFAY SPULLY
Must be some sorta brainless reflex.
NOTTA TAWL
(in a monotone)
Why are you tormenting me?
BABYFAY SPULLY
Relax, lady…As soon as we’re through using ya, you can go jump off a dock for all I care.
(helping PUNCHY to her feet)
Come on, Punchy, snap out of it. You’ve only got an hour to go to the graveyard and put chalk pentagrams on the gravestones of the dead people we want to turn into zombies.
PUNCHY NUKKALS
Why me? Why not Vanna Beetcha?
BABYFAY SPULLY
Because we’ve got to pick fresh corpses…
VANNA BEETCHA
…and I can’t read the dates on the headstones! You know I quit school in grade two!
PUNCHY NUKKALS
Oh yeah.
(They exit.)
End of Scene 6.
Johhny Flamingo and the Tough Talking Dames by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 7:
(JOHNNY FLAMINGO enters.)
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
(to audience)
I could smell the stink of the docks out there on that foggy street. I had one eye on the gypsies’ dump, and the other on the warm and cozy little java shop next door. That’s when she came up to me like a shadow…a sexy, silent shadow….
(FEMFA TAWL enters.)
FEMFA TAWL
Mr. Flamingo….Johnny…what are you doing down here at the docks?
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
More to the point, what are you doing here, Femfa?
FEMFA TAWL
Why, Johnny, sometimes I’ve just got to walk the streets alone at night….I don’t have anyone, you see, not even my sister. And so I walk my blues away.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
It’s dangerous down here. There’s all kinds of creeps and bums looking to put the jump on a good-looking dame like you.
FEMFA TAWL
(taking his arm)
I feel safe with you, Johnny….you’re a strong, capable sort of man…did you find out anything about my sister Notta?
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
Not enough to bring a smile to your pretty mug, Femfa.
FEMFA TAWL
Johnny, there’s something I didn’t tell you before….
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
Then tell me now…
FEMFA TAWL
My sister…she bears the mark.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
What mark?
FEMFA TAWL
The mark of Nosferatu…the undead.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
You don’t say.
FEMFA TAWL
That’s why I’m so worried, Johnny….if she’s fallen into the wrong hands…well, something terrible and evil could happen…I’ve got to go, Johnny…
(handing him a roll of money)
…please find her…please…
(She exits.)
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
(to audience)
She was a real doll, the kind a man likes to dream about, but she had me spooked with that shadow act of hers, and the talk of Nosferatu…and why had I only seen her at night? Yakking with her had given me a chill, so I decided to hit that little café and douse my blues with a cup of java.
(He exits. The GYPSIES enter.)
VIRGO CAPRICORN
He’s gone into the café, Gemini.
GEMINI CAPRICORN
The fool! Now we can sneak away unseen!
VIRGO CAPRICORN
If we succeed in our mission, the King of the Gypsies will be proud of us.
GEMINI CAPRICORN
But there remains much to be done, Virgo.
VIRGO CAPRICORN
Yes. First we must go to the graveyard…
GEMINI CAPRICORN
…and dig up the graves selected by the Screaming Witches.
VIRGO CAPRICORN
Once the graves are empty, we’ll fill them in again.
GEMINI CAPRICORN
No one must ever know.
(They exit.)
(Zombie Interlude: The ZOMBIES walk onstage….stand there silently for a while. Then they speak.)
PUSHY NUPDAZIS
You’re staring at dead people.
TORKY KORPS
It’s not nice to stare.
SHAYKA LEGG
Especially at dead people.
LURCHA ROUND
Because we can’t stare back.
PUSHY NUPDAZIS
We ‘re blind.
TORKY KORPS
…and deaf…
SHAYKA LEGG
…and dumb…
LURCHA ROUND
…in fact, we’re completely unconscious…
PUSHY NUPDAZIS
We’re dead…don’t you get it?
TORKY KORPS
Dead! We don’t exist!
SHAYKA LEGG
You’re looking at rotting corpses from which the living spirits have long since fled!
LURCHA ROUND
So quit staring and get a life!
(They exit in a state of non-existent distress.)
End of Scene 7
Johhny Flamingo and the Tough Talking Dames by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 8:
(The FLOPHOUSE FRAIL GANG enters.)
EUREKA VEEVAL
Did you come up with a way to destroy the Screaming Witches Gang yet, Ima?
IMA DABOSSAYU
No, but I aim to figure out a plan before midnight. Then we’ll take over their turf, double our income, and get out of this stinking flophouse once and for all.
BILLI KLUBB
(holding up her menacing fists)
I could deep six the Screaming Witches with my deadly dukes, Ima!
EUREKA VEEVAL
(giving Billi a cuff)
Ya little shrimp!
(to Ima Dabossayu)
Billi Clubb ain’t got what it takes ta be a Flophouse Frail, Ima.
BILLI KLUBB
I could whip you anyday, Eureka Veeval!
IMA DABOSSAYU
Stop it. You forget who I am. I’m Ima Dabossayu, the leader of the Flophouse Frails Gang. You do what I tell you to do and nothing else, because I’m Ima Dabossayu.
BILLI KLUBB
Whatever you say, Ima Dabossayu!
IMA DABOSSAYU
No, I’m the boss of you. Tell her who I am, Eureka.
EUREKA VEEVAL
Ima Dabossayu.
IMA DABOSSAYU
No you’re not. I’m the boss, Ima Dabossayu.
EUREKA VEEVAL
That’s what I said, Ima Dabossayu.
IMA DABOSSAYU
No, no, no! I’m Ima Dabossayu and I’m the boss of you. You’re not the boss of me. And I’m my own boss, so Ima Dabossayu isn’t the boss of Ima Dabossayu but I’m the boss of you, get it?
(RODENTIO VERMICELLI enters.)
RODENTIO VERMICELLI
Ah, my fine ladies, Rodentio has found you at last.
BILLI KLUBB
What do you want, Rat Man? Spill, or I’ll punch your teeth so hard they’ll come out your earholes.
RODENTIO VERMICELLI
No need, no need, little tough bambino. Rodentio is here to give you a warning.
EUREKA VEEVAL
Well, spit it out then.
IMA DABOSSAYU
He won’t talk unless he gets something. What do you want, Vermicelli?
RODENTIO VERMICELLI
Rodentio wants to take the little tough bambino to the movies on Friday night.
IMA DABOSSAYU
Done.
BILLI KLUBB
Hey! Don’t I get a say? I don’t wanna go to the movies with that rodent.
IMA DABOSSAYU
You’ll do what I say. Who’s the boss of you?
BILLI KLUBB
Ima Dabossayou.
IMA DABOSSAYU
No. You’re not the boss of me, Ima Dabossayou.
BILLI KLUBB
You’re the boss of me, Ima Dabossayu…
IMA DABOSSAYU
Only one of us can be boss, so I’m Ima Dabossayu, the boss of you.
EUREKA VEEVAL
Just agree to go to the movies with the man, Billi Clubb, or we’ll be stuck here discussing Ima Dabossayu’s name all night!
BILLI KLUBB
All right, I agree, but only so’s I don’t have to keep talking about who’s the boss of who.
RODENTIO VERMICELLI
Rodentio is pleased. Now here is the information for the lovely gang of ladies. The Screaming Witches are going to attack you with zombies…oh yes, a terrible army of the undead.
IMA DABOSSAYU
Zombies! Why, those dirty little hop-heads!
RODENTIO VERMICELLI
Rodentio will go now. But Rodentio will be back on Friday night to pick up the little bambino…ciao!
(He exits.)
EUREKA VEEVAL
What are we gonna do, Ima?
IMA DABOSSAYU
We need more gang members.
BILLI KLUBB
What about those three girls who checked into the flophouse today?
EUREKA VEEVAL
Naw. They’re too good and kind and sweet.
IMA DABOSSAYU
They’re perfect! We’ll use them as zombie bait, and while the zombies eat their flesh, we’ll bash in the heads of the Screaming Witches with our rocks!
(They pull out their rocks.)
BILLI KLUBB
Yeah! With our rocks…our lovely, heavy rocks!
EUREKA VEEVAL
My rock…it has served me well through the years. Hey, here come those girls.
IMA DABOSSAYU
We’ll hide and get the jump on them.
(The FLOPHOUSE FRAILS hide as SWEETY SONICE, SHEEZA GUDKID, and RIVER UVLUV enter.)
SWEETY SONICE
I’m such a nice girl, I got fired from my job for refusing to let the customers pay for their dinners.
SHEEZA GUDKID
I’m such a good kid, I let another girl have my job, even though she was incompetent.
RIVER UVLUV
I’m so full of love, I gave my boss a hug, and his wife saw and made him fire me.
SWEETY SONICE
And new we’re broke and we’ve got to live in this flophouse, and all because we’re so sweet and nice and good.
SHEEZA GUDKID
Sometimes, being so good makes bad things happen.
RIVER UVLUV
Love spelled backwards is “evol”…I wonder if there’s a connection?
(The FLOPHOUSE FRAILS come out of hiding.)
SWEETY SONICE Hello…I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Sweety Sonice.
SHEEZA GUDKID And I’m Sheeza Gudkid. Call me Shee-Shee.
RIVER UVLUV
And I’m River…River Uvluv…my grandparents were from Siberia.
IMA DABOSSAYU
Well, ain’t that nice. All right, gang…show ‘em your rocks!
(The gang produce their rocks and hold them up threateningly and the three goody-goodies gasp in horror.)
SWEETY SONICE
No, please don’t cave our heads in!
SHEEZA GUDKID
We’ll do anything you say!
RIVER UVLUV
We have to please everyone, because we’re goody-goodies!
IMA DABOSSAYU
You’re gonna help us defeat the Screaming Witches Gang!
SWEETY SONICE
But we are incapable of violence, right girls?
SHEEZA GUDKID
I’ve never even picked a flower or squashed a bug!
RIVER UVLUV
The most violent thing I ever did was clip my fingernails!
IMA DABOSSAYU
Shut your heads. Now come with us…we don’t got much time.
(IMA grabs SWEETY, EUREKA grabs SHEEZA, and BILLI grabs RIVER.)
SWEETY SONICE
Oh dear, oh dear! You’re not being nice to me, but I must be nice to you, because I’m Sweety Sonice and I’m so sweet and nice!
SHEEZA GUDKID
Oh my goodness! You’re being bad to me, but I must be good to you, because I’m Sheeza Gudkid and I’m a good kid!
RIVER UVLUV
Heavens to Betsy! You’re holding me in a hateful way, but I must respond in a loving way, because I’m River Uvluv and I’m a river of love!
SWEETY, SHEEZA, and RIVER
We’re the Goody-Goody Girls and we’ve got to be good-goodies no matter what!
IMA DABOSSAYU
Shaddup and come with us.
(The FLOPHOUSE FRAILS haul the hapless GOODY-GOODIES offstage.)
End of Scene 8.
Johhny Flamingo and the Tough Talking Dames by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 9:
(SLIM MARGIN and WATKIN UTELMEE enter.)
SLIM MARGIN
It’s been a slow news day today, Watkin.
WATKIN UTELMEE
You said it, Slim. Nothing happening in the naked city. Too bad. I need a story.
SLIM MARGIN
It’s a dog’s life writing crime stories for a two-bit newspaper like “The Daily Lizard”.
WATKIN UTELMEE
There was a time when I dreamed of getting a regular column in a prestigious daily.
SLIM MARGIN
Yeah, yeah, we all dream of a juicy steak dinner but wake up to a baloney sandwich.
(RODENTIO VERMICELLI enters.)
RODENTIO VERMICELLI
Gentlemen, gentlemen…Rodentio is here to make you feel so much better.
WATKIN UTELMEE
Waddaya got for us, Vermicelli?
RODENTIO VERMICELLI
What do you have for Rodentio, my fine journalists?
SLIM MARGIN
How about we give you a swift kick in the jewels and throw you in the river, Vermicelli?
RODENTIO VERMICELLI
That is not very friendly. Rodentio only wants to help the newpaper men.
WATKIN UTELMEE
We’ll give you five bucks if you’ve got something good.
RODENTIO VERMICELLI
Oh no, this is worth much more…so much more. Rodentio wants ten percent of the proceeds you make from the story you will write based on Rodentio’s tip.
SLIM MARGIN
Ten percent of ten cents a line in a sleazy rag don’t amount to much. You got a deal, Rat Man.
RODENTIO VERMICELLI
Then Rodentio will tell you. Go to the Thirteenth Street Flophouse down by the docks. Tonight at midnight you will see something worth fifty dollars a line in the finest newspapers in the land.
WATKIN UTELMEE
If this is some kind of gag, we’ll expose you and your little game in our paper, and your ratting days will be over, Vermicelli.
RODENTIO VERMICELLI
Rodentio has nothing to fear, because his information is good…very good.
SLIM MARGIN
Come on, Watkin, waddaya say we take a ride down to the docks?
WATKIN UTELMEE
If we don’t get a story, we can pick up a bottle and go to a cat house.
SLIM MARGIN
If all else fails, there’s always alcohol and sex.
(They exit.)
RODENTIO VERMICELLI
Everything is coming up roses for Rodentio.
(He exits.)
(Zombie Interlude: The ZOMBIES march onstage, face the audience, and quote from “Hamlet”..)
ZOMBIES
To be or not to be, that is the question.
LURCHA ROUND
To die…to sleep no more…
PUSHY NUPDAZIS
To end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to…
TORKY KORPS
‘Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished…
SHAYKA LEGG
To die…to sleep…to sleep perchance to dream…aye, there’s the rub…
LURCHA ROUND
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil…
PUSHY NUPDAZIS
The dread of something after death, the undiscovered country from whose bourne no traveller returns, puzzles the will…
ZOMBIES
Wherein lies the answer? Not to be…not to be…therein lies the answer…
(They exit wearily.)
End of Scene 9.
Johhny Flamingo and the Tough Talking Dames by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 10:
(FRYZANNA BURGER and VANILLA SHAKE enter.)
FRYZANNA BURGER
Almost quitting time, Vanilla.
VANILLA SHAKE
Yeah, and I ain’t made enough money in tips to pay for the bus ride home.
FRYZANNA BURGER
I get mighty tired of frying burgers for lonely sailors who got nothing better to do than try and sweet talk me into goin’ to a hotel for a shot of rye and a roll in the hay.
VANILLA SHAKE
Today I served a guy who said he’d marry me if I didn’t smell like hot fat.
FRYZANNA BURGER
Ya work in this dive long enough and you’ll stink like fried onions for the rest of your life.
VANILLA SHAKE
I’d do anything to get a better job, Fryzanna.
FRYZANNA BURGER
Forget it, kid. You don’t got the brains or the connections. At least you ain’t working in a cat house like some of the girls that used to sling hash here.
VANILLA SHAKE
I’m not dumb. I just never got a break. I’m a real good singer.
FRYZANNA BURGER
Yeah? Can you sing “Mairsy Doats”?
VANILLA SHAKE
Mares eat oat
And does eat oats
And little lambs eat ivy
A kid’ll eat ivy too,
Wouldn’t you?
FRYZANNA BURGER
I’ll give it to you straight, kid. You ain’t never gonna hear your voice on the radio.
VANILLA SHAKE
Well, you’re not exactly a screaming success yourself, Fryzanna.
FRYZANNA BURGER
Oh yeah? Well I’ll tell ya something, honey, if you promise to keep it secret.
VANILLA SHAKE
I promise.
FRYZANNA BURGER
I’ve got this recipe, see, and it’s gonna make me rich.
VANILLA SHAKE
What’s it for?
FRYZANNA BURGER
It’s the reverse of what you’d expect.
VANILLA SHAKE
The reverse?
FRYZANNA BURGER
Yeah. Instead of tasting good it tastes bad. And instead of making you feel good, it kills you stone dead.
VANILLA SHAKE
Sounds like poison.
FRYZANNA BURGER
It’s better than poison. Why, if you fed it to a dead person, they’d be twice as dead.
VANILLA SHAKE
You don’t say.
FRYZANNA BURGER
Yeah, it’s my little secret. And someday, when the right moment comes, I’ll show it to the world and make my fortune.
VANILLA SHAKE
You know, you’re a little bit of a whack, Fryzanna Burger, a loopy dame with a weird little brain.
FRYZANNA BURGER
One day my weird little brain’s gonna change the world, Vanilla…you’ll see.
(JOHNNY FLAMINGO enters.)
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
(to audience)
I couldn’t shake the chill I got standing out on the docks with Femfa Tawl, so I ducked into that warm and greasy little dive for shot of espresso. Two tired looking skirts were waiting tables, so I decided to chat ‘em up.
(to the waitresses)
Evening, dolls.
FRYZANNA BURGER
What’ll it be, Mister?
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
A double shot of espresso.
(VANILLA exits.)
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
You got a good view of the little gypsy shop.
FRYZANNA BURGER
It’d be a whole lot better if them windows weren’t covered in grease and soot.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
You ever see anything strange over there?
FRYZANNA BURGER
You a private dick?
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
The name’s Johnny Flamingo.
(showing photo)
I’m looking for this woman.
FRYZANNA BURGER
Well, I’ll be a deep-fried donut! That’s the crazy woman who came in here yesterday.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
You sure?
FRYZANNA BURGER
She was crying like a baby and saying something about her sister trying to kill her. Then those two gypsy women came in here and took her away.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
You see anything else?
FRYZANNA BURGER
Yeah. A gang of tough-looking dames that live in the flophouse down the street came out of that gypsy shop with her. They looked like they was headed back to the flophouse. She was following them like a puppy, as if she was in some sorta trance.
VANILLA SHAKE
(entering)
Sorry, Mister, we don’t got no espresso left. Woudja like a slice of pie or something?
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
Nope. Got to run.
(to FRYZANNA)
You’re a swell dame, sister. Here’s five bucks.
(He exits.)
FRYZANNA BURGER
Well, whaddaya know? Five bucks!
VANILLA SHAKE
Where’s he going in such a hurry.
FRYZANNA BURGER P
robably to the flophouse.
(POLICE SARGENT WALL, CONSTABLE McPUCKER, and ALICE WILLING, who is crying, enter.)
ALICE WILLING
I’m sorry those gypsy women weren’t home, Sargent Wall.
POLICE SARGENT WALL
Well now, no need to drain your peepers, Miss Willing. We’ll just have a nice cup of java and try our luck later.
CONSTABLE McPUCKER
Should I order a cruller for her, Sarge, or maybe a slice of banana cream pie? Something sweet for a sweet little lady?
POLICE SARGENT WALL
I don’t give a fat rat’s patootie what you order, McPucker. I ain’t your mother. And lay off Miss Willing, will ya?
ALICE WILLING
Perhaps I’ll have a sandwich. My stomach is full of butterflies.
FRYZANNA BURGER
You gonna stand there discussing the meaning of life, or are ya gonna order something?
CONSTABLE McPUCKER
(to VANILLA)
You doing anything after you get off work, miss?
VANILLA SHAKE
It’s been a long day and I’m kinda tired, officer.
CONSTABLE McPUCKER
How about a little after-hours investigation?
FRYZANNA BURGER
She’s underage, copper. Haven’t you heard: fifteen’ll get you twenty.
POLICE SARGENT WALL
How many times do I got to remind you you’re on duty, McPucker? Keep your pencil in your pocket, for Christmas sake.
(SAINT GRIZELDA appears. Only ALICE WILLING sees her. The others freeze while she talks with GRIZELDA.)
SAINT GRIZELDA
Alice, dear Alice….
ALICE WILLING
Saint Grizelda!
SAINT GRIZELDA
Johnny is in mortal danger!
ALICE WILLING
Mortal danger!
SAINT GRIZELDA
You must help him, Alice. He needs you like never before.
ALICE WILLING
Johnny needs me!
SAINT GRIZELDA
The undead will eat the flesh off his bones unless you save him.
ALICE WILLING
The undead!
SAINT GRIZELDA
Oh, Alice…Johnny is brave, but he’s no match for the forces of evil that bear down on him like a thundering truck on the freeway of life, like a teeth-rattling tank on the battlefield of existence, like a fantastically fast freight train on the railway track of oblivion, like a ballistic baby buggy on the sidewalk of mortality, and so on and so forth!
ALICE WILLING
Gee! What can I do, Saint Grizelda?
SAINT GRIZELDA
I don’t know.
(She exits. The others come back to life.)
FRYZANNA BURGER
You look pale, honey. You want a bromo?
ALICE WILLING
No thank you, waitress. Sergeant, we must find Johnny, and quickly.
FRYZANNA BURGER
Johnny? You don’t mean Johnny Flamingo, by any chance?
POLICE SARGENT WALL
That’s the man we want, Miss. Do you know where he is?
CONSTABLE McPUCKER
(to VANILLA)
Are you really only fifteen?
VANILLA SHAKE
Do I got to answer him, Sarge?
POLICE SARGENT WALL
No. McPucker, try to be a cop, not a copulator.
(to FRYZANNA)
Now, do you know where Johnny is?
FRYZANNA BURGER
He was probably headed for the women’s flophouse down the street, Sergeant.
(SAINT GRIZELDA appears. The others freeze as ALICE listens.)
SAINT GRIZELDA
Alice Willing, Johnny just stepped in a mud puddle and got his shoes wet. And he urgently needs to find a toilet because he hasn’t had a chance to go all day. Not only that, but he is about to face an army of the undead. And yet you stand here like a mannequin, as if you care nothing for his terrible suffering!
ALICE WILLING
We know where he is, Saint Grizelda. What should I do when we find him?
SAINT GRIZELDA
I don’t know.
(She disappears and the others come to life.)
POLICE SARGENT WALL
We’d better hurry. Come along then, double time…one, two, one, two…
(He, McPUCKER and ALICE exit.)
FRYZANNA BURGER
That’s it. There’s big trouble in the air. Vanilla, go in the back and grab that paper bag on the top shelf.
VANILLA SHAKE
What’s in it, Fryzanna?
FRYZANNA BURGER
Remember that secret recipe I was telling you about, the one that’s strong enough to kill someone that’s already dead?
VANILLA SHAKE
Yeah. I ain’t stupid. You told me five minutes ago.
FRYZANNA BURGER
Well, I whipped up a batch and put it in a bag for an emergency. The time’s come to use it. Hurry up. I’ll meet you outside. We’re heading for the flophouse.
(They exit in opposite directions.)
End of Scene 10
Johhny Flamingo and the Tough Talking Dames by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 11:
(RODENTIO VERMICELLI enters.)
RODENTIO VERMICELLI
Rodentio must go to the Thirteenth Street Flophouse now. It is time for the fireworks to start. Rodentio is excited! Rodentio remembers when he was a little boy in Sicily and a witch came to the village and made a dead man dance. Soon, many of the dead will dance…and they will all dance for Rodentio!
(He exits.)
End of Scene 11.
Johhny Flamingo and the Tough Talking Damesby Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 12:
(JOHNNY FLAMINGO enters.)
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
(to audience)
It was a cold and lonely walk to the women’s flophouse. But I knew I was close to finding Femfa Tawl’s sister. That’s when I saw her again…
(FEMFA TAWL slides up to JOHNNY.)
FEMFA TAWL
Johnny, oh Johnny…don’t be angry with me.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
Why would I be angry?
FEMFA TAWL
(getting very close to him)
There’s something else I didn’t tell you, Johnny…
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
So spit it out, babe, before I lose faith in you…
FEMFA TAWL
My sister…she has something…a family heirloom…you must make sure it’s safe.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
An heirloom?
FEMFA TAWL
A bit of jewellry…a bumblebee, actually…it…it means a lot to me, Johnny…and it’s really mine…Notta stole it when she lost her mind…I’ve got to get it back…
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
Sounds like that bumblebee means more to you than your sister.
FEMFA TAWL
Don’t be cruel, Johnny
(handing him a roll of money)
…it doesn’t suit you.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
I’ll keep my eye open for the bee, Femfa.
FEMFA TAWL
Johnny…my special Johnny….
(She exits.)
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
(to audience)
If she kept appearing like that and giving me money, I’d be able to retire in twenty four hours. She smelled good, too…she was the kind of dame a man would kill for…and that made me think.
(SLIM MARGIN and WATKIN UTELMEE enter.)
SLIM MARGIN
Say, Buddy, is this the way to the Thirteenth Street Flophouse?
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
Who wants to know?
WATKIN UTELMEE
That ain’t very friendly mister….say, ain’t you that gumshoe, what’s-his-name?
SLIM MARGIN
Yeah, the one that solved the mystery of the two-headed cat?
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
Maybe I am and maybe I’m not. The flophouse is two blocks west.
WATKIN UTELMEE
Thanks, partner. You wouldn’t happen to be headed there yourself?
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
If you want an education, go back to school, fellas.
SLIM MARGIN
We’ll give ya the straight dope. We’re reporters for the “Daily Lizard”.
WATKIN UTELMEE
I’m Watkin Utelmee and this is Slim Margin.
SLIM MARGIN
We got a tip that there’s a story breaking at the flophouse at midnight.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
Yeah, well tag along then. I could maybe use a little muscle to back me up.
SLIM MARGIN
Hey now, we’re reporters, not bodyguards.
WATKIN UTELMEE
Don’t sweat it, Slim…we’ll tag along, like the man says. Could be the break we’ve been waiting for.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
(to audience)
Those two reporters were a couple of saps who wrote dirty lies about innocent people for the great unwashed to digest along with their eggs at breakfast. But I was getting warning messages from the little watchdog in my head, so I took them along…they wouldn’t be much good in a dust-up, but three hombres look more impressive than one.
(They exit.)
End of Scene 12.
Johhny Flamingo and the Tough Talking Dames by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 13:
(BABYFAY Spully enters with VANNA BEETCHA and NOTTA TAWL.)
BABYFAY SPULLY
Where in hell’s that Punchy kid? She shoulda bin back by now.
(PUNCHY NUKKALS enters.)
PUNCHY NUKKALS
I marked them gravestones like you told me, Babyfay.
VANNA BEETCHA
Yer as white as a ghost, Punchy.
PUNCHY NUKKALS
I tripped over a passed-out wino and thought he was my dead Uncle Wilfred.
BABYFAY SPULLY
You better have picked good dead people, Punchy. We don’t want saps to be our zombies.
PUNCHY NUKKALS
The headstones didn’t give me much to go on, Babyfay…just stuff like “rest in peace”, or “a loving husband and father”.
VANNA BEETCHA
I guess they put nice words on all them headstones even if the stiff was a jerk.
PUNCHY NUKKALS
…so I just picked four fresh ones and put pentagrams on the stones and got out of there.
BABYFAY SPULLY
(pulling out the operator’s manual)
Now all we need is that quack doctor whose name I found in this operator’s manual.
(DR. CUTTENCHUK enters with HUGO and NURSE BEDPANNE.)
DR. CUTTENCHUK
Ladies! How grand to see you. I’m Doctor Rip Cuttenchuk, and this is Nurse Tippy Bedpanne and my orderly Hugo.
BABYFAY SPULLY
Yeah, yeah.
(indicating NOTTA)
This is the broad we need to animate.
HUGO
Do your stuff, Doctor Cuttenchuk.
DR. CUTTENCHUK
Hmmm. A fine specimen. Nurse Bedpanne, the needle, please.
NURSE BEDPANNE
Yes, Doctor.
(NURSE BEDPANNE hands him a large syringe. He injects the inert NOTTA with it.)
DR. CUTTENCHUK
Now, the young women is a fully-functional animator. Nurse Bedpanne, the control unit, please.
NURSE BEDPANNE Of course, Doctor.
(She gives him a remote control device.)
DR. CUTTENCHUK
Now I can manipulate the animator with the control unit. The animator’s actions will be duplicated by up to four dead people.
BABYFAY SPULLY
All I gotta do is draw a chalk pentagram on that remote unit, to match it up with the four stiffs in the graveyard. Then we’re in business.
(She draws the pentagram.)
BABYFAY SPULLY
All right, Doc…start working.
VANNA BEETCHA
First, we got to get those stiffs out of their graves.
DR. CUTTENCHUK
(adjusting the control unit)
Easy. Nurse Bedpanne and Hugo will read from the manual as I work.
(BABYFAY hands the manual to NURSE BEDPANNE, who shares it with HUGO.)
HUGO
First, make the animator must lie down, like the corpses in the graveyard.
(NOTTA lies down.)
NURSE BEDPANNE:
Second, make the animator claw the air, so the corpses will claw the dirt in which they are entombed.
(NOTTA claws the air.)
HUGO
Third, get her to struggle to break free, and to stand.
(NOTTA does so.)
NURSE BEDPANNE
Fourth, make her walk on the spot, so that the corpses will start moving towards us.
(NOTTA walks on the spot.)
DR. CUTTENCHUK
There are four blips on my screen. I am steering them towards us by turning the animator at the appropriate moments.
(NOTTA makes occasional turns as she walks.)
NURSE BEDPANNE
They will be here very soon.
PUNCHY NUKKALS
This is creepy.
VANNA BEETCHA
You said it, sister.
BABYFAY SPULLY
Shut up. It’s too late to turn back now.
(We hear moans. The ZOMBIES lurch into the room, doing exactly what NOTTA does. The doctor works feverishly at the controls…the others draw back…the doctor halts NOTTA, so the ZOMBIES halt.)
DR. CUTTENCHUK
Watch this.
(He manipulates the control unit. NOTTA does various moves. The ZOMBIES copy her exactly.)
BABYFAY SPULLY
Them zombies stink, but they’re doin’ what they’re told. Now let’s get down to the women’s flophouse and get this over with.
DR. CUTTENCHUK
About my fee….
BABYFAY SPULLY
You’ll get your fee, doc. Just help us defeat the Flophouse Frail Gang, and you can have the animator all for yourself.
NURSE BEDPANNE
Dr. Cuttenchuk! How wonderful!
HUGO
Such generosity!
DR. CUTTENCHUK
Then let us proceed.
(They all exit, with the ZOMBIES doing everything NOTTA does.)
End of Scene 13.
Johhny Flamingo and the Tough Talking Dames by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 14:
(The GYPSIES enter.)
GEMINI CAPRICORN
The dead have risen and are released into the night, Virgo.
VIRGO CAPRICORN
Yes. Soon they will be within our grasp.
GEMINI CAPRICORN
We must remain hidden until the perfect moment.
VIRGO CAPRICORN
We must have sharp wits and exact timing.
GEMINI CAPRICORN
Come, the creatures of the night beckon.
(They exit.)
End of Scene 14.
Johhny Flamingo and the Tough Talking Dames by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 15:
(POLICE SARGENT BRICK WALL, CONSTABLE McPUCKER, and ALICE WILLING enter.)
ALICE WILLING
stopping)
I hope it’s not much further to the flophouse, Sergeant. My legs…they’re rather tired.
POLICE SARGENT WALL
We’re getting close. I can smell it.
CONSTABLE McPUCKER
Remind me why we’re going there, Sarge.
POLICE SARGENT WALL
You’re as thick as a triple-patty burger, McPucker. The Bumblebee, remember?
CONSTABLE McPUCKER
Oh yeah. The government wants the bee. Do you think it’s at the flophouse, Sarge?
POLICE SARGENT WALL
My guts tell me its close…real close, McPucker.
(SAINT GRIZELDA appears.)
SAINT GRIZELDA
Alice Willing! A horrible army of mutant zombies is closing in on Johnny! Why are you standing there complaining about your legs? Johnny always said you had good legs. Now prove it! March! Or do I have to call you rude names, such as “tramp”, or even “bimbo”?
ALICE WILLING
No! I’ll get moving! What will I do when the zombies try to kill Johnny?
SAINT GRIZELDA
I don’t know.
(She disappears.)
ALICE WILLING
Sergeant, I’m ready to go…and to do or die!
POLICE SARGENT WALL
Hopefully, it won’t come to that, Miss Willing. Let’s go, McPucker!
(They exit.)
End of Scene 15.
Johhny Flamingo and the Tough Talking Dames by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 16:
(FRYZANNA BURGER and VANILLA SHAKE enter.)
VANILLA SHAKE
Can you carry the sack for a while, Fryzanna. It’s heavy and my dogs are killing me.
FRYZANNA BURGER
(taking the bag)
Yeah, that recipe is awful damn dense. Who’d think a little bag like that could weigh so much?
VANILLA SHAKE
How will we use it if there’s trouble?
FRYZANNA BURGER
I ain’t sure just yet. I’ll figure it out when the time comes.
VANILLA SHAKE
I’m scared, but this is better than flipping burgers and getting my butt pinched by sailors.
FRYZANNA BURGER
You said it, toots. That flophouse is just round the corner. Let’s go.
(They exit.)
End of Scene 16
Johhny Flamingo and the Tough Talking Dames by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 17:
(The FLOPHOUSE FRAILS enter with the GOODY-GOODIES..)
SWEETY SONICE
What do you want us to do, Miss Dabossayu?
SHEEZA GUDKID
We’ll try to do our best because we’re very, very nice girls.
RIVER UVLUV
We never want to upset anyone and we always smile even when we’re in a bad mood.
SWEETY SONICE
That’s how we are, Miss Dabossayu. We try to please everyone.
SHEEZA GUDKID
It all started in junior high school.
RIVER UVLUV
Suddenly we no longer had any confidence.
SWEETY SONICE
So we started being nice and shy and obedient .
SHEEZA GUDKID
And now we’ve been nice for so long we don’t know how to be anything else.
RIVER UVLUV
It’s sort of like being in hell.
IMA DABOSSAYU
How’d ya like to shut the hell up! I can’t stand here all day listening to you babble about being nice. There’s a gang war about to break loose and you stand there smiling like idiots.
EUREKA VEEVAL
They ain’t gonna to be any good for fighting zombies, Ima.
BILLI KLUBB
Those evil creatures will chew through them like a snowplow through a kindergarten class crossing a sidewalk.
SWEETY SONICE
I haven’t raised my fists in anger since grade five, when I smashed Ernie Pakowski in the face for calling me a snotball.
SHEEZA GUDKID
The only thing I ever pound is beefsteak.
RIVER UVLUV
My muscles have atrophied from lack of anything resembling aggressive physical movement.
EUREKA VEEVAL
It don’t matter if they can’t fight. All they got to do is keep them zombies busy long enough for us to smash the Screaming Witches with our rocks.
(They look at their rocks eagerly.)
IMA DABOSSAYU
You goody-goodies go stand over there and wait for the zombies to come through the door and eat your flesh. Eureka and Billi, we’ll hide over here.
(They organize themselves.)
(The ZOMBIES enter with the SCREAMING WITCHES, the DOCTOR, the NURSE, HUGO, and NOTTA. The GOODY-GOODIES back away in terror.)
BABYFAY SPULLY
All right, doc, take out those three goody-goodies, then we’ll get to the main action.
DR. CUTTENCHUK
Right you are, Miss Spully.
(He manipulates the control unit and NOTTA does the motions that the ZOMBIES copy…lurching towards the goody-goodies, who scream and scream until the ZOMBIES grab them and start shaking them, then throw them down just as JOHNNY FLAMINGO enters with the reporters.)
WATKIN UTELMEE
What in the name of the devil are they, Slim?
SLIM MARGIN
Looks lie a pack of zombies, Watkin. Get a picture!
(WATKIN starts snapping shots while SLIM starts writing details.)
BABYFAY SPULLY
Take out that private dick, Doc!
DR. CUTTENCHUK
That will be easy.
(He manipulates the controls, NOTTA lurches about, and the ZOMBIES close in on JOHNNY.)
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
Oh no you don’t, Doc!
(He kicks the control unit out of the doctor’s hand…the DOTOR retreats with NURSE BEDPANNE and HUGO…NOTTA moves about out of control, with the ZOMBIES copying her.)
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
That dame’s got some kind of bug hanging from her neck! Perhaps if I….
(He pulls the bumblebee off NOTTA, but its awesome power elctrocutes him, and he collapses. The ZOMBIES freeze.)
NOTTA TAWL
Where am I? What’s happening? I…I feel so weak…
(She collapses…the ZOMBIES collapse…and the FLOPHOUSE FRAILS run out to do battle with the SCREAMING WITCHES. The REPORTERS keep writing and taking pictures.)
IMA DABOSSAYU
Now’s our chance, gang! Let’s get ‘em!
EUREKA VEEVAL
They ain’t so tough without them zombies!
BILLI KLUBB
I’m little but I’m fierce!
BABYFAY SPULLY
Come on then, you slobs! We’ll beat the juice out of each and every one of you!
VANNA BEETCHA
We don’t need no zombies to show you who’s boss.
PUNCHY NUKKALS
Come on, come on you stinking flophouse floozies!
NURSE BEDPANNE
Don’t worry, Dr. Cuttenchuk, I’ll protect you!
HUGO So will I!
(HUGO and NURSE BEDPANNE shield the DOCTOR with their bodies.The GANGS match up and wrestle, with the FLOPHOUSE FRAILS trying to use their rocks, as the COPS and ALICE WILLING enter.)
ALICE WILLING Johnny!
(She runs to him.)
POLICE SARGENT WALL
(pulling his gun)
All right! All right! Break it up!
CONSTABLE McPUCKER
(pulling his gun)
Stop or I’ll squirt lead!
(POLICE SARGENT BRICK WALL fires a shot into the air…the fighting stops.)
POLICE SARGENT WALL
Put yer hands up, all of you!
(They do so.)
ALICE WILLING
Johnny…he’s hurt real bad, Sargent!
(FEMFA TAWL enters.)
FEMFA TAWL
The Bumblebee!
(She runs to it, picks it up, and taking the high ground holds it aloft. The others writhe with agony, and collapse.)
FEMFA TAWL
The power! It’s mine! It’s mine at last!
(SAINT GRIZELDA enters.)
SAINT GRIZELDA
Femfa Tawl! I am Saint Grizelda of the Eternally Bleeding Toenail, the Patron Saint of Gumshoes!
FEMFA TAWL
The Bumblebee! It has no effect on you!
SAINT GRIZELDA
Of course not! I am protected by my absolute purity of purpose. Alice! Alice Willing, you must rise!
(ALICE gets up shakily.)
FEMFA TAWL
No! I cannot allow this, in my moment of triumph!
(She points the Bumblebee at ALICE, but ALICE struggles to overcome its powers…her love for JOHNNY is strong.)
SAINT GRIZELDA
Go to Johnny, Alice…only you can save him…
ALICE WILLING
What…must…I….do….
SAINT GRIZELDA
I don’t know.
(She exits.)
ALICE WILLING
Must kiss Johnny…must kiss Johnny….
(She stumbles to him, sinks to her knees, pulls him partly up and kisses him…he revives.)
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
Alice! What are you doing here? Say, did I ever tell you you’ve got a prettiest pair of peepers in the whole naked city?
ALICE WILLING
Oh, Johnny! But there’s no time for that now…Femfa Tawl is trying to destroy us with a bumblebee.
FEMFA TAWL
I summon all the power of the bee to destroy you!
(She exerts a lot of effort, turning her face red and grunting. FRYZANNA BURGER and VANILLA SHAKE enter.)
VANILLA SHAKE
Not so fast, lady!
FRYZANNA BURGER
Eat this, you witch from hell!
(She hurls the sack at FEMFA, who catches it and presses it against her face as if it is doing it by itself.)
FEMFA TAWL
Ahhhhhhhhrrrrrgggggghhhhh! My face! It’s sucking the life force out of me!
(She falls and drops the bumblebee.)
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
Don’t touch that bee! It knocked me cold when I took it off Notta Tawl’s neck.
(The GYPSIES enter.)
VIRGO CAPRICORN
Gemini, everything has gone perfectly!
GEMINI CAPRICORN
Now, we will take back the Bumblebee.
(picking up the bee)
Undead! Arise!
(The ZOMBIES get up.)
GEMINI CAPRICORN
Now, follow us to the docks, where a ship awaits us.
VIRGO CAPRICORN
We will take you to Transylvania where you will serve the King of the Gypsies, and we will receive our reward!
GEMINI CAPRICORN
We shall become gypsy princesses and enjoy many happy seasons travelling about Transylvania in our colourful caravans, even though they lack plumbing.
(They exit, leading away the ZOMBIES. RODENTIO VERMICELLI enters.)
RODENTIO VERMICELLI
Rodentio is just in time. The gypsies and zombies are gone.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
What are you doing here, Vermicelli?
RODENTIO VERMICELLI
The gypsies gave Rodentio special powder in return for information about the one called Notta Tawl. The powder will help these victims recover.
(He sprinkles powder on everyone…they revive.)
RODENTIO VERMICELLI
Everyone! I, Rodentio Vermicelli, have saved you all!
SLIM MARGIN
Quick, get a shot, Watkin!
WATKIN UTELMEE
You bet, Slim!
(He clicks a few shots of RODENTIO, who poses.)
NOTTA TAWL
Officer, what about me? I…I was forced to take drugs to make me crazy, and then put in a sanitorium, then kidnapped by gypsies and made into a slave…and it’s all my sister’s fault.
FEMFA TAWL
Mummy and Daddy always favoured you, Notta. And I almost got my revenge. It was worth it to see you all helpless and pathetic.
POLICE SARGENT WALL
Arrest her, McPucker! We may have lost that bumblebee, but at least we can put her in the slammer for a hundred and twenty seven years.
CONSTABLE McPUCKER
(arresting her)
Don’t try anything stupid, lady, like telling me I’m handsome.
FEMFA TAWL
You’re a very handsome man, officer…
CONSTABLE McPUCKER
(releasing her)
I am?
POLICE SARGENT WALL
McPucker!
CONSTABLE McPUCKER
Oh yeah…you’re under arrest and maybe we can have a date when you get out of jail.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
Sergeant, those waitresses saved the day by throwing a sack of food at Femfa Tawl.
FRYZANNA BURGER
It’s my special recipe, Sarge…it can kill anything.
VANILLA SHAKE
It stuck to Femfa Tawl’s head like glue, and made her faint, officer.
POLICE SARGENT WALL
(picking up the sack)
Well, we didn’t get that bumblebee, but I got a feeling the government will be mighty interested in this sack. You two come along with us, and we’ll get in touch with the head of the national weapons development program. They’ll pay plenty for your recipe.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
Looks like your waitressing days are over.
FRYZANNA BURGER
I’ll get a high paid job with the defense department, and Vanilla can be my assistant.
VANILLA SHAKE
Hurray!
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
What about the two gangs, Sarge? I think they’ve learned their lesson.
BABYFAY SPULLY
We should make one big gang….
IMA DABOSSAYU
And call it the Screaming Flophouse Frail Witches…
VANNA BEETCHA
And we’ll only do good things, like pick garbage by the waterfront…
EUREKA VEEVAL
…and feed pigeons.
PUNCHY NUKKALS
And we’ll give free concerts for retired sailors and sing songs about the sea…
BILLI KLUBB
And I’ll teach those goody-goodies how to stop being nice all the time.
SWEETY SONICE
Then I won’t have to smile all the time.
SHEEZA GUDKID
And I won’t have to be polite. I will be able to say words like “No” and “You’re making me uncomfortable”.
RIVER UVLUV
And I won’t have to be obsessed with personal hygiene anymore!
SWEETY, SHEEZA, and RIVER:
Hurray!
POLICE SARGENT WALL
Well, since you seem to have reformed, you’re all scot free. Now get outta here before I change my mind
(The GANGS and GOODIES exit, calling out their thanks.)
CONSTABLE McPUCKER
Miss Notta?
NOTTA TAWL
Yes?
CONSTABLE McPUCKER
I can see how lonely and troubled you are. Perhaps, after I put your sister in the city jail, you’d let me take you out for dinner and a movie?
NOTTA TAWL
I’m awfully exhausted, Constable. Right now I just want to have a hot bath and read a novel about orphans. But maybe tomorrow.
POLICE SARGENT WALL
Let’s go, McPucker.
(They begin to exit with FEMFA TAWL, who resists. They let her have her final speech.)
FEMFA TAWL
This isn’t the end. It’s not over. I’ll be back. Revenge will be mine. You’ll all pay. I’ll live to fight again.
(with even more élan than Scarlett O’Hara in “Gone With the Wind”)
After all, tomorrow is another day!
FRYZANNA BURGER
Can it, lady, unless you want another sniff of my death bag.
(The COPS, WAITRESSES, and FEMFA TAWL exit.)
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
Doc, I suggest you beat it before the sergeant figures out your role in all this.
DR. CUTTENCHUK
That’s good advice, sir. Nurse Bedpanne, let’s go back to my place.
NURSE BEDPANNE
But, Doctor, it’s past midnight!
DR. CUTTENCHUK Exactly.
(They exit giggling.)
HUGO What about poor Hugo?
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
Do you know how to sling hash and cook burgers?
HUGO
Give me a pound of fat and a frypan, and I can cook anything.
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
Then you can replace those two waitresses at that little java joint down the street…
HUGO Hamburger heaven!
(He exits.)
WATKIN UTELMEE
Holy smoke, Slim, we’ve gotta get back to the paper if we want this in the morning edition.
SLIM MARGIN
Looks like that dream of working for a prestigious daily just might come true, Watkin.
(They exit.)
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
Well, Vermicelli, it looks like you’ve got the world in your wallet…
RODENTIO VERMICELLI
Rodentio is satisfied. By tomorrow morning, I will be a hero and a household name. Rodentio’s days of ratting out everyone are over. And Rodentio has a date on Friday night with the little one called Billi Klubb. But best of all, my grandmother in Sicily will never have to eat goat again.
(He exits. St. Grizelda enters.)
ST. GRIZELDA
Alice, you must tell Johnny…you must tell him now…he needs you Alice…
ALICE WILLING
Tell him what, St. Grizelda?
St. Grizelda:
I don’t know.
(She exits.)
ALICE WILLING
Johnny….
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
Alice…you saved this beat-up old gumshoe with a kiss…I guess I owe you a big thank you.
ALICE WILLING
I love you, Johnny….
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
You ain’t such a bad dame, Alice…and like I’ve always said, you’ve got good legs…how’d you like to trot along beside me as my fiancé?
ALICE WILLING
Oh, Johnny!
(She gives him a hug, stands back, and freezes.)
JOHNNY FLAMINGO
(to audience)
After all that dame had been through with me over the years, asking her to marry me was the least I could do. The gypsy women were long gone, and the zombies along with them. And me, well I was ready for a shot of redeye and round of shuteye. So me and Alice strolled back to her apartment and the rest…well, I’ll leave it up to your imagination.
(He and ALICE exit.)
NOTTA TAWL
The fools. Little do they know that I, Notta Tawl, who bears the mark of Nosferatu, have been forever changed by wearing the Bumblebee. Even now, I can feel my cells mutating as my power grows. Soon, I will be able to animate thousands, even millions, of the undead and lead them to a final victory over life. Then, the planet will return to the darkness of death, and I will be it’s shadow queen.
(She sings, as the rest of the cast enters and sings along as the lights fade.)
Look for the silver lining,
when e’re a cloud appears in the blue.
Remember somewhere the sun is shining,
and so the right thing to do is make it shine for you.
A heart full of joy and gladness
will always banish sadness and strife.
So always look for the silver lining,
and try to find the sunny side of life.
–note: lyrics from Look for the Silver Lining by Jerome Kern and BG DeSylva, 1919.
END OF THE PLAY.