Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2008
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 55 minutes.
• style: post-apocalypse clown play
• suitable for general audiences
• 26 characters (18 female, 8 male)
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Cyborg Alley” is a clown play about a gritty, divided community in an impoverished post-apocalypse urban zone. When two cyborgs are discovered in a crypt, the community’s seething survivalism erupts into mayhem and disaster.
(This play was first performed on June 10, 11, 12, 13 & 16, in the year 2008, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
Go to:
Act One, Scene 1
Act One, Scene 2
Act One, Scene 3
Act Two, Scene 1
Act Two, Scene 2
Act Two, Scene 3
Act Two, Scene 4
Act Two, Scene 5
Act Two, Scene 6
Act Two, Scene 7
Act Two, Scene 8
Characters:
The Pig Brigade:
Boss Garrett
Rico Tart
Dainty Peggy
Slug Morantz
Weasel Bobbins
Pug Torkelson
The Cyborgs:
Raymondo
Cynthia
The Rotten Angel and her Followers:
Zapp Leopard
Puff Rumple
Snowdrop Coburn
The Miseries;
Ratty Bucket
Finch Toffee
Luna Doona
Symphony Creek
Silken Highpot
Sexy Death Gang:
Spit Lipschitz
Turbine Randy
Chucky Frogmorton
Bingo Plant
Cub Gummy
Body Count Babes:
Ebony Narko
Butch Donahue
Chopper Machete
Alky Dreedle
Yoyo Burns
Cyborg Alley by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 1:
(A derelict alley. SPIT enters from the right, and EBONY enters from the left. They face each other accusingly.)
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
Why your feet on my street, Bono Narko?
EBONY NARKO
It’s Ebony, Dipschitz, and this con-crete under my feet is my street.
(TURBINE and CHUCKY enter right.)
TURBINE and CHUCKY
Get offa Spit’s strip, Narko Malarko.
(BUTCH and CHOPPER enter left.)
BUTCH and CHOPPER
Why you dally in Narko’s alley, stoopid slutty bratty-cats?
(BINGO and CUB enter right.)
BINGO and CUB
Lookit, lookit! Stinkin’ Janes makin’ pain in our lane!
(ALKY and YOYO enter left.)
ALKY and YOYO
Horny toads on our road! We make ya flat if you no scat!
(The ROTTEN ANGEL enters from upstage right with PUFF and SNOWDROP and gets between the two gangs.)
ZAPP LEOPARD
Sexy Death Gang! Body Count Babes! No mo’ fight!
PUFF and SNOWDROP
It ain’t right!
ZAPP LEOPARD
Bustin’ heads ‘til you all dead, for what?
PUFF and SNOWDROP
For doodly-squat!
ZAPP LEOPARD
Hang on for the Happy Day!
PUFF and SNOWDROP
Happy Day is on the way!
ZAPP LEOPARD
Soon, soon, Happy Day!
PUFF and SNOWDROP
Soon Happy Day be here to stay!
SEXY DEATH GANG
Bull dinky!
BODY COUNT BABES
Hokum pokum!
ZAPP, PUFF, & SNOWDROP
Share the street!
EBONY NARKO
The street is mine rain or shine!
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
Mine, mine, mine, Bony Narko slime!
BODY COUNT BABES
Slam the Sexy Death Gang!
SEXY DEATH GANG
Bash the Body Count Babes!
BODY COUNT BABES
(chanting)
Gonna thrash,
gonna gash,
gonna bash an’ trash the sexies
tonight!
SEXY DEATH GANG
(chanting)
Gonna kick you inna head
‘til you’re bleedin’
and you’re dead
tonight!
ZAPP, PUFF, & SNOWDROP
(chanting)
Fighting ain’t right;
don’t you do it tonight!
You gotta put it all away,
gotta pray for the Day!
Gotta pray,
gotta pray
for the Happy, Happy Day!
Gotta pray
for the Happy, Happy Day!
ZAPP
(chanting)
Hear what I say!
BOTH GANGS
(chanting)
Nothin’ but lies,
you got nothin’ but lies!
We’re fightin’ tonight;
we’re gonna fight every night
‘til we die.
Gonna fight, gonna fight,
gonna fight every night
‘til we die.
BODY COUNT BABES
(chanting)
Gonna thrash,
gonna gash,
gonna bash an’ trash the sexies
tonight!
SEXY DEATH GANG
(chanting)
Gonna kick you inna head
‘Til you’re bleedin’ and you’re dead
tonight!
(The two GANGS launch themselves at each other, each fighting with her counterpart. The PIG BRIGADE enter. ZAPP, PUFF, and SNOWDROP,not wanting to be caught, exit. The PIG BRIGADE pull the fighters apart.)
BOSS GARRETT
(holding SPIT LIPSCHITZ and EBONY NARKO while RICO watches.)
Well, well, what have I got in my hot little mittens?
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
You got Spit Lipschitz, bossy ‘ol Boss Woman.
EBONY NARKO
Your mitt is warm and tender on Narko’s neck, Little Piggy!
DAINTY PEGGY
(holding TURBINE RANDY and BUTCH DONAHUE)
If I squeeze, your heads is gonna pop like firecrackers!
TURBINE RANDY
Gimme the squeeze, Dainty Peggy, and I come back from the dead to scramble your head!
BUTCH DONAHUE
Softly, softly, Dainty Peggy. I still got bruises from last time.
SLUG MORANTZ
(holding CHUCKY FROGMORTON and CHOPPER MACHETE)
Chucky and Chopper, a wimp and a whopper!
CHUCKY FROGMORTON
You’re a gorgeous piece, Slug Morantz; lemme go and I’ll get you a man!
CHOPPER MACHETE
Ooo, squeeze again, Sluggo; I’m feelin’ the fire in my hams!
WEASEL BOBBINS
(holding BINGO PLANT and ALKY DREEDLE)
Hey Bingo, I think Alky wants ta kiss and make up!
BINGO PLANT
She can kiss my left foot; it’s got a clump of fungus on it.
ALKY DREEDLE
One day, Weasel Bobbins, I gonna give ya the kiss of death.
PUG TORKELSON
(holding CUB GUMMY and YOYO BURNS)
I’d like ta give ya a cuddle, Cub Gummy, but Yoyo might get jealous.
CUB GUMMY
Go cuddle yourself, Pug Torkelson. Ya know that’s what ya like best.
YOYO BURNS
Yeah, go cuddle yourself, Pug. Ya stink like a dead rat.
BOSS GARRETT
Now we’re done exchanging love talk, let’s get down to the biz.
RICO TART
Ya know my sweet Boss likes ta do the biz ‘cuz the biz is where it is, uh huh.
(BOSS and her PIG BRIGADE toss the SEXY DEATH GANG to the right and the BODY COUNT BABES to the left.)
BOSS GARRETT
(chanting)
Your biz is my biz.
‘Cause this alley’s my beat.
You do bad on my street
And I turn up the heat.
What’s my name?
THE REST OF THE PIG BRIGADE
(chanting)
Boss Garrett!
BOSS GARRETT
What’s my name?
THE TWO GANGS
(chanting)
Boss Garrett!
BOSS GARRETT
I speak what I mean
‘Cause I say what I do.
You be bad on my route
I be comin’ for you.
What’s my name?
THE REST OF THE PIG BRIGADE
(chanting)
Boss Garrett!
BOSS GARRETT
What’s my name?
THE TWO GANGS
(chanting)
Boss Garrett!
THE PIG BRIGADE
(chanting)
Your biz is our biz
‘Cause this alley’s our beat.
You do bad on our street
And we turn up the heat.
What’s our name?
BOSS GARRETT
(chanting)
Four piggies.
THE PIG BRIGADE
What’s our name?
THE TWO GANGS
(chanting)
Four piggies.
THE PIG BRIGADE
We piggy-porks hustle
When Boss needs some muscle.
Boss Garrett says “do”
And we do it to you;
What’s her name?
BOSS GARRETT and RICO
(chanting)
Boss Garrett!
THE PIG BRIGADE
What’s her name?
THE TWO GANGS
Boss Garrett!
THE PIG BRIADE
(chanting)
What’s her name?
BOSS GARRETT
(chanting)
What’s my name?
THE PIG BRIGADE
(chanting)
What’s her name?
BOSS GARRETT
(chanting)
What’s my name?
THE TWO GANGS
(chanting)
Boss Garrett!
Boss Garrett!
Boss Garrett!
BOSS GARRETT
And don’t you forget it.
(BOSS goes to SPIT)
You need protection.
(BOSS holds out her hand)
Grease it, baby!
(SPIT digs up a coin and gives it to BOSS.)
THE PIG BRIGADE
Protection!
(BOSS goes to EBONY, and holds out her hand.)
BOSS GARRETT
Protection, protection, protection!
(EBONY hands over a coin.)
THE PIG BRIGADE
You protected from yourselves!
(The FOUR PIGGIES and RICO laugh.)
BOSS GARRETT
Now go cry in the shadows, babies blue, or do you want ol’ Bossy to bust a rib or two?
(The SEXY DEATH GANG exit right,and the BODY COUNT BABES exit left.)
Cyborg Alley by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 2:
DAINTY PEGGY
(crossing to WEASEL and putting an arm round him)
You was holdin’ Bingo and Alky real tight, Weasel.
(she kicks him in the crotch and he goes down)
Maybe that’ll help ya remember who loves ya.
WEASEL BOBBINS
(in significant pain)
Damn!
BOSS GARRETT
Ain’t you a sweet lil’ thing, Dainty Peggy! Ya want some of that, Rico Tart?
RICO TART
Ain’t no one can plant the boot like you, Boss Baby.
SLUG MORANTZ
(crossing to PUG, who watches her warily)
Ya see what happens when ya get cozy with a coupla sluts, Pug?
PUG TORKELSON
Jus’ doin’ my job, Slug, for ‘ol Boss Garrett.
SLUG MORANTZ
I’m yer paradise, Pug. Say it.
PUG TORKELSON
You my paradise, sweet Sluggy my sugar ball.
WEASEL BOBBINS
Cover yer jewels, Pug.
BOSS GARRETT
No more crotch action, girls. We don’t got the luxury of sterility.
DAINTY and SLUG
You boys gonna make us inta mamas!
BOSS GARRETT
That’s right. I be needin’ babies and you girls is gonna be the factory what manufactures ‘em.
RICO TART
I can’t make no babies, but Boss Garrett don’t care ‘bout that.
BOSS GARRETT
(going to Rico and attaching herself to him)
Rico and me is both sterile from some bad drugs, but he’s still a fine lookin’ man.
RICO TART
You girls make us some babies, and I be the daddy what puts ‘em in a sack and trades ‘em for guns an’ ammo.
(He makes a gun with his fingers and fires a couple of pretend shots at the other Piggies. RATTY BUCKET enters from up left and throws himself at BOSS’s knees. RICO backs away.)
RATTY BUCKET
You be the big pig in this alley?
BOSS GARRETT
Grab it!
(PUG and SLUG drag RATTY away and hold him.)
Who you, huh? Who you? Assassin?
RATTY BUCKET
Refugee! Refugee from Third Street!
BOSS GARRETT
Punch it!
(DAINT and WEASEL move in on RATTY and punch him in the gut. PUG and SLUG throw RATTY down.)
RATTY BUCKET
Uhnnnnnnn!
BOSS GARRETT
You still say “refugee”?
RATTY BUCKET
Uhhh! Refugee, refugee, from Third Street.
BOSS GARRETT
You alone?
RATTY BUCKET
Naw. There’s four more. We run away from bad guys.
RICO TART
(looking up left)
Runaways. I see ‘em in the shadows.
RATTY BUCKET
Call ‘em over.
RICO TART
(shouting up left)
Git outta the shadows, ya timid beasties!
(FINCH, LUNA, SYMPHONY, and SILKEN enter timidly and cross to center stage. RATTY joins them and the PIG BRIGADE form a semi-circle around them.)
RATTY BUCKET
This is alla them that’s left, big pig. There’s a coupla dead ones somewheres back aways.
BOSS GARRETT
Ya look useless. Tell us yer story, quick as ya can.
RATTY BUCKET
(chanting)
We got fightin’ in our ‘hood.
FINCH TOPPER
(chanting)
The street is red with blood.
LUNA DOONA
(chanting)
There’s an army from the northern part of town.
SYMPHONY CREEK
(chanting)
They’ve got clubs and chains and knives.
SILKEN HIGHPOT
(chanting)
We’ve been runnin’ for our lives.
THE MISERIES
(chanting)
They gonna smash our ‘hood and burn it to the ground.
RATTY and FINCH
(chanting)
Refugees!
We’re just refugees!
LUNA, SYMPHONY, and SILKEN
(chanting)
There’s an army from the northern part of town.
RATTY and FINCH
(chanting)
Refugees!
We’re just refugees!
LUNA, SYMPHONY, and SILKEN
(chanting)
They gonna smash our ‘hood and burn it to the ground.
RATTY BUCKET
(chanting)
You got to let us rest.
FINCH and LUNA
(chanting)
We’re exhausted and depressed!
SYMPHONY and SILKEN
(chanting)
We promise we won’t stay here for too long.
RATTY BUCKET
(chanting)
Just let us catch our breaths.
FINCH and LUNA
(chanting)
We’ve just escaped from death.
THE MISERIES
(chanting)
By tomorrow’s rising sun we’ll all be gone.
RATTY and FINCH
(chanting)
Refugees!
We’re just refugees!
LUNA, SYMPHONY, and SILKEN
(chanting)
We promise we won’t stay here for too long.
RATTY and FINCH
(chanting)
Refugees!
We’re just refugees!
THE MISERIES
(chanting)
By tomorrow’s rising sun we’ll all be gone.
By tomorrow’s rising sun we’ll all be gone.
BOSS GARRETT
So a mob from the north invaded your turf and you hustled yer little buns the hell out of there?
RATTY BUCKET
We ran and ran, big pig, ‘til our legs was all wiggly and rubber.
DAINTY PEGGY
Maybe that mob is headed towards us, Boss.
FINCH TOPPER
They ain’t a mob; they’re an army.
LUNA DOONA
They got officers marchin’ up an’ down and yellin’ orders like sojers in a war.
SYMPHONY CREEK
They have a system, Madam Big Pig. Our local enforcers had absolutely no chance.
SILKEN HIGHPOT
The only force that could repel them is another army just as strong.
RATTY BUCKET
If I was you, Missus Big Pig, I’d pack up my rags and leave before they come marchin’ down this street.
SLUG MORANTZ
Maybe they’re lyin’, Boss.
BOSS GARRETT
Maybe. Weasel, you got cat’s feet. Sneak over ta Third Street and take a peek.
WEASEL BOBBINS
On my lonesome, Boss?
BOSS GARRETT
I can’t afford ta lose more ‘n one piggy, poodle-brain.
DAINTY PEGGY
(embracing WEASEL)
Dontcha get yerself chopped up by a sojer, lover boy.
BOSS GARRETT
On yer way, Weasel.
WEASEL BOBBINS
Damn.
(He exits.)
BOSS GARRETT
You so-called refugees better be gone by first light.
RATTY BUCKET
We ain’t stayin’ here fer them sojers ta come along and give us a good choppin’ wif them knives.
BOSS GARRETT
Yeah, I guess you ain’t. Now I got some figurin’ ta do. Let’s go to my hole, piggies.
SLUG MORANTZ
Three lil’ piggies now.
RICO TART
I wanna be a pig too.
BOSS GARRETT
No, Rico. You never be a pig. You my poochy pet, remember?
RICO TART
Oh yeah, I the poochy pet. I bark for the boss. Woof woof.
BOSS GARRET
(giving him a squeeze)
You so sweet, Rico Tart.
SLUG MORANTZ
What if Weasel don’t make it back alive?
PUG TORKELSON
Maybe he’s dead already.
DAINTY PEGGY
(giving PUG a shove)
Shut up, Pug.
BOSS GARRETT
Ain’t love wonderful.
(The PIG BRIGADE exits.)
Cyborg Alley by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 3:
FINCH TOFFEE
I scared, Ratty.
RATTY BUCKET
So? I ain’t yer mama, kid.
FINCH TOFFEE
I no wanna be all chopped up and dead.
LUNA DOONA
Quit talkin’ about choppin’ and that.
SYMPHONY CREEK
Thank goodness we escaped from Third Street.
SILKEN HIGHPOT
Unfortunately we have nothing but the rags we’re wearing.
RATTY BUCKET
(to SYMPHONY and SILKEN)
You two don’t talk good.
SYMPHONY CREEK
It’s our background.
SILKEN HIGHPOT
We received wonderful educations.
RATTY BUCKET
By who?
SYMPHONY CREEK
An old professor who has long since gone to her grave.
FINCH TOFFEE
Is they talkin’ some sorta English, Ratty?
RATTY BUCKET
Dunno. Sounds sorta English, but all loopy and puffed.
LUNA DOONA
Why you talk of English when we lost and soon to be dead?
RATTY BUCKET
It’s bein’ human, Luna Doona.
FINCH TOFFEE
‘Least we’s still sorta human or somethin’.
(The ROTTEN ANGEL enters with PUFF and SNOWDROP.)
ZAPP LEOPARD
Well, lookit, Puff and Snowdrop, some new meat fer me ta baste wif the good news of the Happy Day!
PUFF RUMPLE
They in a heap and all strangers.
SNOWDROP COBURN
(closing in on the MISERIES)
Watcha doin’ in this alley, you ragamuffins?
RATTY BUCKET
Refugees.
ZAPP LEOPARD
From what?
FINCH TOFFEE
Them sojers what’s gonna be rompin’ down this alley in no time.
PUFF RUMPLE
Sojers! What she mean, Zapp?
ZAPP LEOPARD
Dunno, but it don’t matter. The Happy Day don’t care ‘bout sojers.
LUNA DOONA
What’s this “happy day” you croakin’ about?
ZAPP LEOPARD
Well now, that’s my favourite topic, sweet stuff.
(she chants)
Take a look…
PUFF and SNOWBALL
Take a look!
ZAPP LEOPARD
Over yonder…
PUFF and SNOWBALL
Over yonder!
ZAPP LEOPARD
What you see?
PUFF and SNOWBALL
What you see?
ZAPP LEOPARD
The Happy Day!
PUFF and SNOWBALL
The Happy Day!
ZAPP LEOPARD
(chanting)
Suck the air…
PUFF and SNOWBALL
(chanting)
Suck the air!
ZAPP LEOPARD
(chanting)
And feel your heartbeat…
PUFF and SNOWBALL
(chanting)
Feel your heartbeat!
ZAPP LEOPARD
(chanting)
What’s that mean?
PUFF and SNOWBALL
(chanting)
What’s that mean…?
ZAPP LEOPARD
(chanting)
The Happy Day.
PUFF and SNOWBALL
(chanting)
The Happy Day!
ZAPP LEOPARD
(chanting)
Well, listen up and hear me say
Somethin’ good is on the way;
When it’s here it’s here ta stay:
The Happy Day!
PUFF and SNOWBALL
(chanting)
The Happy Day!
ZAPP LEOPARD
(chanting)
The Happy Day!
PUFF and SNOWBALL
(chanting)
The Happy Day!
(to the MISERIES)
Sing along, refugees!
(The MISERIES chant with the ROTTEN ANGELS, and everyone moves to the song in a sort of building ecstasy.)
ROTTEN ANGELS
(chanting)
Take a look…
MISERIES
(chanting)
Take a look!
ROTTEN ANGELS
(chanting)
Over yonder…
MISERIES
(chanting)
Over yonder!
ROTTEN ANGELS
(chanting)
What you see?
MISERIES
(chanting)
What you see?
ROTTEN ANGELS
(chanting)
The Happy Day!
MISERIES
(chanting)
The Happy Day!
ROTTEN ANGELS
(chanting)
Suck the air…
MISERIES
(chanting)
Suck the air!
ROTTEN ANGELS
(chanting)
And feel your heartbeat…
MISERIES
(chanting)
Feel your heartbeat!
ROTTEN ANGELS
(chanting)
What’s that mean?
MISERIES
(chanting)
What’s that mean?
ROTTEN ANGELS
(chanting)
The Happy Day.
MISERIES
(chanting)
The Happy Day!
ALL ON STAGE
(chanting)
Well, listen up and hear me say
Somethin’ good is on the way;
When it’s here it’s here ta stay:
The Happy Day!
ZAPP LEOPARD
(chanting)
The Happy Day!
ALL ON STAGE
(chanting)
The Happy Day!
ZAPP LEOPARD
(chanting)
The Happy Day!
ALL ON STAGE
(chanting)
The Happy Day!
ZAPP LEOPARD
You feelin’ better, sweethearts?
RATTY BUCKET
It’s a treat ta sing in this ‘ol alley.
LUNA DOONA
(to ZAPP)
What’s yer name, honey?
ZAPP LEOPARD
Zapp Leopard. I’m watcha call a prophet. This is Puff Rumple, and that’s Snowdrop Coburn.
RATTY BUCKET
I’m Ratty Bucket. That’s Finch Toffee and Luna Doona but I don’t know what them other two calls theirselfs.
SYMPHONY CREEK
My name is Symphony Creek.
SILKEN HIGHTOP
I’m Silken Highpot.
SYMPHONY CREEK
You certainly know how to bring a little spiritual sparkle into our drab and fearful lives, Madam Leopard.
SILKEN HIGHTOP
You and your angels are an aural delight! My, my, your lovely ululating lifts my spirits to the heavens!
ZAPP LEOPARD
What kinda langwidge is that? Don’t sound like English.
FINCH TOFFEE
They was educated by an old woman who’s dead.
PUFF RUMPLE
You refugees gonna sleep out on the street?
SNOWDROP COBURN
It ain’t safe. There’s giant tomcats what’ll chew on yer head while yer in sleepyland.
RATTY BUCKET
We don’t got no place else to go, little ladies.
ZAPP LEOPARD
You do so.
RATTY BUCKET
Watcha mean, Zapp?
ZAPP LEOPARD
There’s this crypt what I know of.
LUNA DOONA
A crypt? Ya mean like a hole where dead folks is stacked up like firewood?
ZAPP LEOPARD
That’s what I mean.
FINCH TOFFEE
Don’t wanna go in a crypt wif dead folks.
ZAPP LEOPARD
You said there’s sojers comin’ ta kill ya.
FINCH TOFFEE
So?
ZAPP LEOPARD
So they ain’t gonna find ya if yer in that crypt.
PUFF RUMPLE
But the crypt’s a secret, Zapp.
SNOWDROP COBURN
We ain’t even bin in that crypt ourselfs.
ZAPP LEOPARD
I bin savin’ it fer a special day, kiddies.
PUFF and SNOWDROP
The Happy Day?
ZAPP LEOPARD
Maybe.
RATTY BUCKET
I say we go inna crypt. It got dead in it, but we be alive, you hear me, alive!
SYMPHONY CREEK
We shall repose with the dead, and thus be spared our lives.
SILKEN HIGHPOT
What a dark but wondrous paradox!
ZAPP LEOPARD
I bin itchin’ ta see what’s in that crypt. Now’s our chance! C’mon, we gotta sneak over there real quiet so’s it stays a secret!
(The ROTTEN ANGELS and the MISERIES exit.)
Cyborg Alley by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 1:
(DAINTY PEGGY enters and waits. WEASEL BOBBINS enters. He’s shaken up from his trip to Third Street, which confirmed the refugees’ tale about an army.)
DAINTY PEGGY
Well?
WEASEL BOBBINS
Them refugees is legit. There’s sojers on Third Street, like they said.
DAINTY PEGGY
How many?
WEASEL BOBBINS
Too many, DP. And they got focus.
DAINTY PEGGY
Focus?
WEASEL BOBBINS
They all organized, like ants or somethin’.
DAINTY PEGGY
Ants?
WEASEL BOBBINS
Like ants, all in lines and that. And Dainty Peggy, they kill most everythin’ that ain’t them.
(he chants)
There’s an army, Dainty Peggy,
I seen ‘em with my naked eyeballs.
They’re doin’ bad, Dainty Peggy,
More bad than we piggies ever saw.
It’s an army, Dainty Peggy,
On Third Street, I seen em’ plain as day.
I seen ‘em killin, Dainty Peggy,
I saw the blood and then I ran away.
DAINTY PEGGY
(chanting)
You so solemn, Weasel Bobbins.
You not joking ‘bout these sojers on the move.
You so wasted, Weasel Bobbins,
But there’s one thing more that you have gotta do.
(she stops chanting)
You gotta tell Boss Garrett.
WEASEL BOBBINS
You tell her. I gonna just sit for a bit.
DAINTY PEGGY
Give us a squeeze, Weasel.
WEASEL BOBBINS
(giving DAINTY PEGGY a hug)
Howzat, Dainty Peggy?
DAINTY PEGGY
Soon we be dead, maybe. Gotta squeeze while we can.
WEASEL BOBBINS
If them sojers come here, we not be makin’ babies.
DAINTY PEGGY
Uh huh. They come here, we be dead.
WEASEL BOBBINS
Damn!
DAINTY PEGGY
(breaking away from Weasel)
I go tell Boss Garrett ‘bout them sojers.
(DAINTY PEGGY exits.)
WEASEL BOBBINS
Damn!
(SPIT LIPSCHITZ enters from the left.)
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
You by yourself, Piggy Weasel.
WEASEL BOBBINS
So are you, Spit Lipschitz. Give us a cuddle. I got somethin’ I gotta forget.
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
You spozed ta be makin’ babies with Dainty Peggy.
WEASEL BOBBINS
She don’t matter. We soon be dead.
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
I ain’t gonna cuddle with you.
WEASEL BOBBINS
Why not?
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
Me and the rest of my gang heard what you said about them sojers.
(calling offstage left)
Sexy Death Gang!
(the Sexy Death Gang enters)
Weasel wants ta cuddle.
TURBINE RANDY
(going to WEASEL and taking hold of him)
How’s this, Weasel?
WEASEL BOBBINS
I ain’t complainin’.
CHUCKY FROGMORTON
(joining TURBINE and WEASEL)
You man enough for two sexy death girls, Weasel?
WEASEL BOBBINS
Damn!
BINGO and CUB
(joining the gang)
Don’t forget about us, Weasel!
WEASEL BOBBINS
The only thing I’m forgettin’ is them sojers!
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
Give him pain, gang!
(The FOUR GANG MEMBERS do violence on WEASEL, and throw him down. The BODY COUNT BABES enter from the right.)
EBONY NARKO
Nice work, Spit.
BUTCH DONAHUE
The piggy’s down where he belongs.
CHOPPER MACHETE
Piggy Weasel got beat.
ALKY DREEDLE
You not so tough now, Piggy.
YOYO BURNS
Is the little piggy gonna squeal, hmmmmm?
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
He say there’s sojers on third street.
TURBINE RANDY
And they’re killin’ stuff.
CHUCKY FROGMORTON
He say we soon be dead.
BINGO PLANT
Them sojers gonna come here and slit us with knives.
CUB GUMMY
It ain’t sexy.
EBONY NARKO
(pulling WEASEL to his feet)
That true, Weasel, about them sojers?
WEASEL BOBBINS
I seen ‘em, Narko, with my naked eyeballs.
EBONY NARKO
They was killin’ stuff?
WEASEL BOBBINS
There was blood, Narko, a lot of blood.
BUTCH DONAHUE
They comin’ here, Weasel, to our alley?
WEASEL BOBBINS
They’ve invaders, Butch, on the move, burnin’ and killin’.
CHOPPER MACHETE
We kin run away or somethin’.
ALKY DREEDLE
Where? There ain’t no place that’s safe.
YOYO BURNS
This alley’s bad. Everywhere else is worse.
EBONY NARKO
(chanting)
What we gonna do about the army on the move,
About the sojers marchin’ straight towards our street?
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
(chanting)
What we gonna do when we got nothin’ left ta choose
‘Cept ta wait until they knock us off our feet?
BUTCH and CHOPPER
(chanting)
Where we gonna run when the baddy sojers come
When there ain’t no place ta run to anymore?
TURBINE and CHUCKY
(chanting)
Where we gonna hide when those army thugs arrive
And throw us up against these filthy alley walls?
BINGO, CUB, ALKY, and YOYO
(chanting)
Looks like the storm is just about to form.
(BUTCH and CHOPPER join in)
Feels like the clouds are closing in.
(TURBINE and CHUCKY join in)
Smells like the breath of the wind of awful death.
(EBONY and SPIT join in)
Tastes like the bitter hail of sin.
ALL
(chanting, including WEASEL)
What we gonna do about the army on the move,
About the sojers marchin’ straight towards our street?
What we gonna do when we got nothin’ left ta choose
‘Cept ta wait until they knock us off our feet?
Looks like the storm is just about to form.
Feels like the clouds are closing in.
Smells like the breath of the wind of awful death.
Tastes like the bitter hail of sin.
EBONY NARKO
(to SPIT and her gang)
You call yerselves the Sexy Death Gang, but you don’t do sexy death on them sojers. You just cowards.
REST of BODY COUNT BABES
Cowards!
SPIT
(to EBONY and her gang)
You spozed ta be the “Body Count Babes”, but the only bodies that’s gonna get counted is yer own. You just weak.
REST of SEXY DEATH GANG
Weak!
(The two groups start fighting,gradually leaving the stage as they fight, until only WEASEL remains.)
WEASEL BOBBINS
That army don’t need ta waste us. We’re wastin’ ourselves.
(He exits.)
End of Act Two, Scene 1.
Cyborg Alley by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 2:
(The ROTTEN ANGELS and the MISERIES run onstage in a panic and huddle in a fearful, exhausted tableau. RAYMONDO and CYNTHIA enter, and stride towards the frightened mob.)
ZAPP LEOPARD
(rising up out of the tableau)
Spare us, terrible creatures from the crypt of death!
REST of MOB
Spare us! Spare us!
RAYMONDO and CYNTHIA
Who is the Leader?
RATTY, FINCH, and LUNA
(pushing ZAPP towards the cyborgs)
She is! She is!
RAYMONDO and CYNTHIA
(to ZAPP)
State the code.
ZAPP LEOPARD
Code?
RAYMONDO
Authorization requested.
CYNTHIA
The Leader must state the code.
RATTY BUCKET
They must be some sorta robots.
FINCH TOFFEE
What in hell was they doin’ in that crypt?
LUNA DOONA
Musta bin stored there in the old days.
ZAPP LEOPARD
Guess we brung ‘em ta life when we busted open the door to the crypt and let the air in.
RAYMONDO and CYNTHIA
(chanting)
We are Cyborgs
We are Cyborgs
Model Number Two Seven Three.
Activation.
Activation.
Activation must proceed.
Process
Process
Information.
Activation must proceed.
RAYMONDO
(chanting)
Sensors probe environment.
CYNTHIA
(chanting)
Creating files
Creating files
RAYMONDO
(chanting)
Allocating information.
RAYMONDO and CYNTHIA
(chanting)
Activation is complete.
(RAYMONDO and CYNTHIA now become much more human.)
RAYMONDO
I am Raymondo.
CYNTHIA
I am Cynthia.
RAYMONDO
Sorry about all that chanting.
CYNTHIA
We were going through activation.
RAYMONDO
Activation makes us sound like robots.
CYNTHIA
But we’re not robots, strictly speaking.
RAYMONDO
Strictly speaking, we’re cyborgs.
CYNTHIA
Cyborg: a self-regulating integration of artificial and natural systems.
RAYMONDO
Sounds complicated, and it is.
CYNTHIA
We won’t bore you with the details.
RAYMONDO
Let’s just say we’re machines with attractive bodies.
CYNTHIA
Ha, ha, ha.
RAYMONDO
As you can see, we are capable of humour.
CYNTHIA
However, we’re programmed to follow the Leader.
RAYMONDO
The Leader is the one with the code.
CYNTHIA
Once the code is stated, we will become fully functional.
RAYMONDO
We are designed to be a superb combat team.
CYNTHIA
As a team, working side-by-side, we are virtually indestructible.
RAYMONDO
We will defend the Leader’s community.
CYNTHIA
We will enforce the Leader’s rules.
RAYMONDO
We are more than police.
CYNTHIA
We are better than an army.
RAYMONDO and CYNTHIA
We will perform our pre-programmed demonstration.
(RAYMONDO grabs FINCH TOFFEE)
RAYMONDO
You will be an imaginary enemy. Punch me.
FINCH TOFFEE
I don’t want to.
RATTY BUCKET
Do it, Finch. Let’s see if them cyborgs is as tough as they say.
(FINCH attempts to punch RAYMONDO, but he blocks the punch and he and CYNTHIA execute a series of gymnastic moves, throwing FINCH around in an impressive way, then restore her carefully.)
SYMPHONY CREEK
My goodness? Are you all right, Finch?
SILKEN HIGHFOOT
Is your musculature and skeletal apparatus intact?
FINCH TOFFEE
I ain’t hurtin’, if that’s what ya mean.
(FINCH returns to her group.)
ZAPP LEOPARD
Well, that proves them cyborgs is a combat team, jus’ like they said.
RATTY BUCKET
If we knew the code, we could get ‘em ta protect us from the army on Third Street.
ZAPP LEOPARD
I guess I ain’t the Leader they was talkin’ ‘bout, ‘cause I don’t know no code.
RATTY BUCKET
Let’s shout stuff at ‘em. Maybe somethin’ we squawk will be the code!
LOONA DOONA
Can’t do no harm ta try.
(The MOB chants the following, line by line, in this order: ZAPP, PUFF, SNOWDROP, RATTY, FINCH, LUNA,SYMPHONY, and SILKEN.)
Lovely, tasty lemon tree
Up the mountain one two three
Go go gumdrop off a cliff
Whiskey whiskey take a whiff
Challenge mattress up up up
Single sailor do your stuff
Nippy numbers eight nine ten
Navel gazing pink pot pen
A, B, C, D, E, F, G,
H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P,
Eight oh seven lumpy food
Twenty tip top don’t be rude
Red and blue and yellow and six
Orange apple junky fix
Two plus fifteen, eight plus one,
Rotten mouldy coconut bun
Lulu Richard Harry and Sam
Pork and beef and liver and ham
H-2-O and C-O-2,
Golden crimson purple blue
Mashed potatoes beaver butt
Rat and kitten, fish and mutt
X, Y, Z, and indigo
Six, Oh, Seven, Two, Four, Oh.
RAYMONDO and CYNTHIA
We are still awaiting the code.
ZAPP LEOPARD
Someone better get Boss Garrett.
PUFF RUMPLE
She’s the big pig leader in this Alley.
SNOWDROP COBURN
Maybe she knows the code.
RATTY BUCKET
If she kin make them cyborgs do her bidding, we got a shot at defeatin’ that Third Street army.
FINCH TOFFEE
Then we won’t hafta be dead.
ZAPP LEOPARD
You refugees, you go get Boss Garrett.
PUFF RUMPLE
We can’t do it.
SNOWDROP COBURN
She wants to lock us in a sewage tunnel for preachin’.
RATTY BUCKET
Then we gotta do it. Where’s she at?
ZAPP LEOPARD
Probly in her hole two blocks down the Alley.
RATTY BUCKET
We go for her hole.
(The MISERIES exit.)
SNOWDROP COBURN
What now, Zapp?
ZAPP LEOPARD
We gotta hide before Boss Garrett gets here.
(to the CYBORGS)
Raymondo, you and Cynthia wait here for Boss Garrett. Maybe she knows that code ya want so bad.
RAYMONDO
We shall have no difficulty waiting a little longer.
CYNTHIA
After all, we’ve been in a crypt for twenty years, biding our time.
ZAPP LEOPARD
Ya talk just like real humans.
RAYMONDO
That’s right, Zapp.
CYNTHIA
We talk like real humans.
(The ROTTEN ANGELS exit.)
End of Act Two, Scene 2.
Cyborg Alley by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 3:
RAYMONDO
(flexing)
It’s good to be free from the crypt of death.
CYNTHIA
Yes, Raymondo.
(she stretches voluptuously)
Ahhhh, how wonderful to stretch my limbs and feel the strength rising in my body.
RAYMONDO
You are beautiful, Cynthia.
CYNTHIA
And you are handsome, Raymondo.
RAYMONDO
(offering his hand)
We are a team, Cynthia.
CYNTHIA
(taking his hand)
Yes, Raymondo, a team.
CYNTHIA and RAYMONDO
(chanting)
Together forever!
Cyborgs in love!
Together forever!
Forever in love!
CYNTHIA
(chanting)
I may have been programmed.
RAYMONDO
(chanting)
I may have been built.
CYNTHIA and RAYMONDO
(chanting)
But cyborgs in love
Can love without guilt.
CYNTHIA
(chanting)
Together forever,
With you by my side.
RAYMONDO
(chanting)
Together forever,
My sweet cyborg bride.
CYNTHIA and RAYMONDO
(chanting)
We cannot have children;
That’s not how we’re made;
But we don’t need babies,
To make our love stay…
Together forever,
RAYMONDO
(chanting)
My cyborg delight!
CYNTHIA and RAYMONDO
(chanting)
Together forever…
CYNTHIA
(chanting)
My brave cyborg knight!
CYNTHIA
Together, we are complete and perfect.
RAYMONDO
Together, we are invincible!
CYNTHIA and RAYMONDO
We must find our Leader and begin our work!
End of Act Two, Scene 3.
Cyborg Alley by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 4:
(The BODY COUNT BABES enter)
EBONY NARKO
Lookit, Babes, strangers!
BUTCH DONAHUE
Friends or enemies?
CHOPPER MACHETE
(to RAYMONDO and CYNTHIA)
You friends or enemies?
RAYMONDO
We are waiting for your Leader.
CYNTHIA
We are hoping she has the code.
ALKY DREEDLE
They must mean Boss Garrett.
YOYO BURNS
(to RAYMONDO and CYNTHIA)
What do ya mean by “code”?
RAYMONDO and CYNTHIA
The code that will let us follow your Leader.
BUTCH DONAHUE
Guess they’re on Boss Garrett’s side, Ebony.
(The SEXY DEATH GANG enters.)
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
Who dem things what you got there, Ebony Narko?
EBONY NARKO
They waitin’ fer Boss Garrett.
TURBINE RANDY
Waffaw?
BUTCH DONAHUE
Dunno.
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
(to RAYMONDO and CYNTHIA)
Why you want Boss Garrett?
RAYMONDO
Boss Garrett is your Leader.
CYNTHIA
If she has the code, Raymondo and I will become her obedient combat team.
CHUCKY FROGMORTON
Combat team! Didja hear that, Spit?
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
I heard.
BINGO PLANT
(to RAYMONDO and CYNTHIA)
What sorta combat you talkin’ about?
CYNTHIA
We will defend the community.
RAYMONDO
As a team, we are invincible.
CUB GUMMY
(to RAYMONDO and CYNTHIA)
Couldja defeat a whole army?
CYNTHIA and RAYMONDO
Together, Raymondo and Cynthia can stop any sort of violence.
CHUCKY FROGMORTON
(grabbing BUTCH and pushing her up up to CYNTHIA and RAYMONDO)
Prove it! I gonna beat on Butch. Let’s see if you kin stop me.
(CHUCKY starts to fight BUTCH but the CYBORGS do not intervene. EBONY and SPIT pull CHUCKY and BUTCH apart.)
EBONY NARKO
Didn’t ya hear ‘em, Chucky, ya dumb slut.
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
They said they won’t do nothin’ ‘less Boss Garrett gives ‘em a code.
BUTCH DONAHUE
What if she don’t know no code, Lipschitz?
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
Then them things is useless.
(The MISERIES enter.)
TURBINE RANDY
More strangers, Spit.
EBONY NARKO
What are you?
RATTY BUCKET
Refugees from Third Street.
FINCH TOFFEE
We runnin’ away.
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
What from?
LUNA DOONA
We run away from some sojers what was killin’ everyone.
EBONY MARKO
Looks like Weasel was tellin’ the truth about that Third Street blood bash.
SYMPHONY CREEK
(pointing at RAYMONDO and CYNTHIA)
Those two creatures are invincible cyborgs.
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
Cyborgs?
SILKEN HIGHPOT
Cyborg: a self-regulating integration of artificial and natural systems.
RATTY BUCKET
They come from the crypt of death.
(This puts a certain amount of awe into the GANGS, who back away from the CYBORGS.)
LUNA DOONA
Zapp Leopard made us get Boss Garrett and the piggies. Here they is now.
End of Act Two, Scene 4.
Cyborg Alley by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 5:
(BOSS GARRETT, RICO TART, and SLUG MORANTZ enter. BOSS sizes up the CYBORGS.)
RICO TART
Lookit, Boss-babe. A coupla big ones!
BOSS GARRETT
Well, ain’t you a fine pair of critters.
SLUG MORANTZ
Mighty handsome couple.
BOSS GARRETT
Shut up, Slug. Now, let’s get with the biz.
(to CYNTHIA and RAYMONDO)
Now, these refugees say if I give ya some sorta code, you’ll turn inta my personal super-sojers?
CYNTHIA and RAYMONDO
That is correct. We are a cyborg combat team, programmed to obey the Leader with the Code.
BOSS GARRETT
Well, now, what if I don’t got no code?
CYNTHIA and RAYMONDO
We must have the code, Boss Garrett.
BOSS GARRETT
Hmmmm. C’mere, Rico, and gimme a hug so’s I kin think.
RICO TART
(going to BOSS GARRETT)
I give Boss Garrett a hug, and the clouds in her head turn inta pure sunshine.
(He hugs BOSS. DAINTY PEGGY, WEASEL BOBBINS, and PUG TORKELSON enter with the three ROTTEN ANGELS under arrest.)
DAINTY PEGGY
Look what we found, Boss.
WEASEL BOBBINS
It’s them preachers we bin hearin’ about.
PUG TORKELSON
They seen us and tried ta run away.
(They throw the ROTTEN ANGELS down in front of BOSS GARRETT.)
BOSS GARRETT
So, you the ones what’s bin spreadin’ lies about somethin’ ya call “The Happy Day”?
(The mention of “The Happy Day” sends the CYBORGS into a furious series of contortions,ending with them standing at rigid attention.)
CYNTHIA and RAYMONDO
“The Happy Day” is the correct code. Boss Garrett, you are our Leader and we will obey you.
BOSS GARRETT
Oh yeah? Prove it.
CYNTHIA and RAYMONDO
Give us an order.
BOSS GARRETT
(pointing to TURBINE and BUTCH)
Those two. They’re trouble-makers. Knock ‘em unconscious.
CYNTHIA and RAYMONDO
As you wish.
(RAYMONDO goes to TURBINE and CYNTHIA goes to BUTCH. The CYBORGS each deliver one short, sharp blow, and TURBINE and BUTCH collapse, unconscious. This is all done with methodical efficiency.)
BOSS GARRETT
Well, well, well. Looks like I got what I need ta keep this alley nice and safe.
SLUG MORANTZ
What about that army on Third Street, Boss?
BOSS GARRETT
Let’s see. I got them cyborgs, and you two gangs, and the Pig Brigade, not ta mention them refugees. That oughta be good enough ta stop them sojers.
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
What if we don’t wanna help ya fight the sojers?
EBONY NARKO
Yeah. Them cyborgs oughta be enough.
BOSS GARRETT
I ain’t takin’ no chances. If you won’t fight, then my cyborgs is gonna tear yer heads off. Ya want a demonstration? Cyborgs, pull the head off of Spit Lipschitz over there.
(The CYBORGS stride towards SPIT.)
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
No! We’ll fight!
BOSS GARRETT
Hold it, cyborgs. Leave her be.
(The CYBORGS stop stalking SPIT.)
BOSS GARRETT
(to RICO)
I could get used ta this. It’s nice.
RICO TART
You think maybe them cyborgs could give me a massage, Boss?
BOSS GARRETT
Oh yeah, that an’ a whole lot more, Rico sweety.
(she chants)
When I got up this cold, cold mornin’,
I said to myself, “Another gray day.”
But things got bad when them refugees came
And I heard them sojers was on the way.
But now I got my cyborgs!
My gorgeous, tough-assed cyborgs!
And all of you and that army too
Gonna do whatever I say.
THE PIG BRIGADE
(chanting)
Now she’s got her cyborgs!
Her gorgeous, tough-assed cyborgs!
RICO TART
(chanting)
And all of you and that army too
Is gonna do what she says!
RAYMONDO and CYNTHIA
(chanting)
We heard the code words “Happy Day”
Now she’s our Leader who we’ll obey.
THE ROTTEN ANGELS
(chanting)
Who would have thought our future featured
a pair of gorgeous cyborg creatures?
THE MISERIES
(chanting)
We five fled from danger,
From deadly, bloody danger!
Now we must fight with all our might
‘Cause that’s what Boss Pig says.
THE SEXY DEATH GANG
(chanting)
You Body Count Babes was our enemies
‘Til cyborgs came from the crypt of the dead.
THE BODY COUNT BABES
(chanting)
Now we gotta fight them sojers together
Or them cyborgs’ll pull off our heads!
ALL
(chanting, except BOSS GARRETT and the CYBORGS)
Now she’s got her cyborgs,
Her gorgeous, tough-assed cyborgs,
Now we must fight with all our might
‘Cause that’s what Boss Pig says.
Now we must fight with all our might
‘Cause that’s what Boss Pig says.
BOSS GARRETT
That’s what I say, and I’m gonna get my way.
DAINTY PEGGY
I’m hungry, Boss Garrett.
BOSS GARRETT
Now, me and Rico Tart and my Pig Brigade’s gonna go eat some chow in order ta build up our strength for the big fight with them sojers.
SLUG MORANTZ
What about them cyborgs, Boss?
BOSS GARRETT
We’ll leave ‘em with this mob ta make sure they’re good while we’re gone. You cyborgs understand?
RAYMONDO and CYNTHIA
We will watch the community while you eat some “chow”.
BOSS GARRETT
That’s what I wanna hear. Rico, do we got any ‘a them dead crows left?
RICO TART
Oh yes, Boss. Two left. Rico will pop ‘em on a hot fire and we will have a feathery feast.
BOSS GARRETT
Nothin’ like eatin’ crow jus’ before a tussle. C’mon, piggies.
(She exits with the PIG BRIGADE.)
End of Act Two, Scene 5.
Cyborg Alley by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 6:
SNOWDROP COBURN
Looks like she ain’t gonna lock us up in a sewage tunnel after all, Zapp.
ZAPP LEOPARD
She musta forgot about us ‘cause of all the excitement.
PUFF RUMPLE
Can we go scavenge rubbish bins fer food, Zapp?
ZAPP LEOPARD
You bet, Puff. Gotta put somethin’ in our guts while we wait fer the Happy Day. Kin we go get food, Mr. Raymondo and Miss Cynthia?
RAYMONDO and CYNTHIA
Go but return within the hour or your heads will be removed.
ZAPP LEORARD
Glad ya understand.
(The ROTTEN ANGELS exit.)
RATTY BUCKET
We better follow them Rotten Angels. Maybe we kin find some garbage ta eat.
FINCH TOFFEE
If we’re gonna fight them sojers, we gotta have grub in our guts too.
LUNA DOONA
The last thing I ate was a dead bat and that was two days ago.
SYMPHONY CREEK
I would give a fortune for a bowl of vichyssoise or perhaps some paté-de-foie-gras.
SILKEN HIGHPOT
How I wish I could have a heaping bowl of pommes-de-terre aux gratin before I go to my death in the great fight!
RATTY BUCKET
Kin we go scavenge fer tidbits, Raymond and Cynthia?
RAYMOND and CYNTHIA
Be sure to return within the hour or we will hunt you down.
RATTY BUCKET
You got it, Mr. and Mrs. Cyborg. We don’t wanna git our heads pulled off.
(The MISERIES exit.)
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
(to her gang)
That Raymondo’s a good-lookin’ cyborg.
TURBINE RANDY
He’s a lot more man than Weasel and Pug.
CHUCKY FROGMORTON
Even cuter than Rico Tart. Hey, Raymondo, you got nice hair.
RAYMONDO
Thank you, Chucky.
CHUCKY FROGMORTON
He knows my name!
BINGO PLANT
Do ya know my name too, Raymondo?
RAYMONDO
I believe it is “Bingo”.
BINGO PLANT
I love the way he says it.
CUB GUMMY
I’m Cub Gummy, Raymondo.
RAYMONDO
I know, Cub Gummy. Your names is very pleasant to say.
CUB GUMMY
Look at his eyes! They’re so deep and dark!
EBONY NARKO
Hey Raymondo, you got a girlfriend?
RAYMONDO
I am part of a combat team. Cynthia is the other part.
BUTCH DONAHUE
Yeah, but is she your girlfriend?
RAYMONDO
She is my combat partner.
CHOPPER MACHETE
If she was his girlfriend, she’d be mad as hell right now.
ALKY DREEDLE
Are you mad, Cynthia?
CYNTHIA
I am following the Leader’s orders.
YOYO BURNS
What’s that spozed ta mean?
CYNTHIA
I am part of a combat team. Raymondo is the other part.
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
Sounds like she wants ta say more but can’t.
TURBINE RANDY
Raymondo, ya want a back massage? You must be real stiff from lyin’ in that crypt of death fer twenty years.
CHUCKY FROGMORTON
Don’t let her do it, Raymondo. She got icy fingers. Mine is nice and warm.
BINGO PLANT
Leave him be. Can’t ya see he’s lookin’ at me.
CUB GUMMY
He said my name is pleasant.
EBONY NARKO
Raymondo, you’re so well-proportioned. I bet you got big strong muscles in all sorts ‘a secret places.
RAYMONDO
I am efficiently designed.
BUTCH DONAHUE
Raymondo, do you think I’m well-proportioned?
RAYMONDO
You are suitably feminine.
BUTCH DONAHUE
Oh, Raymondo!
CHOPPER MACHETE
You got a lovely voice, Raymondo.
RAYMONDO
It is pitched to an agreeable lowness.
ALKY DREEDLE
Raymondo, you’re kinda perfect.
RAYMONDO
I am grateful for my cyborg attributes.
YOYO BURNS
Would ya like ta go fer a little walk, Raymondo?
CYNTHIA
(shouting)
GO AWAY AND EAT SOMETHING!
(The GANGS back away in fear.)
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
Whoa! She’s ticked off.
EBONY NARKO
We better do what she says if we wanna keep our heads.
(The two GANGS exit hurriedly.)
End of Act Two, Scene 6.
Cyborg Alley by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act two, Scene 7:
CYNTHIA
Raymondo, why?
RAYMONDO
I do not understand your question.
CYNTHIA
Why did you give yourself to those women? They are not the Leader.
RAYMONDO
I did not give myself to them.
CYNTHIA
Yes you did. You gave them pleasure.
RAYMONDO
I was simply invoking my politeness file.
CYNTHIA
It was more than that.
RAYMONDO
Cynthia, have you forgotten?
(chanting)
Together forever!
Cyborgs in love!
Together forever!
Forever in love!
I may have been programmed.
I may have been built.
But cyborgs in love
Can love without guilt.
CYNTHIA
(chanting)
Together forever,
With you by my side.
RAYMONDO
(chanting)
Together forever,
My sweet cyborg bride.
CYNTHIA and RAYMONDO
Together forever,
RAYMONDO
(chanting)
My cyborg delight!
CYNTHIA and RAYMONDO
(chanting)
Together forever,
CYNTHIA
(chanting)
My brave cyborg knight!
RAYMONDO
So you see, Cynthia, everything is most pleasant between us.
CYNTHIA
Yes, Raymondo.
RAYMONDO
Something is wrong. I think I may have left the activation chip for my left big toe in the crypt of the dead.
CYNTHIA
I will fetch it for you, Raymondo, to further increase the level of pleasantness between us.
(She embraces him and exits. TURBINE and BUTCH enter.)
TURBINE RANDY
Alone, Raymondo?
RAYMONDO
Yes, Turbine. Cynthia has gone to retrieve my big toe chip.
BUTCH DONAHUE
She’s so loyal, isn’t she, Raymondo.
RAYMONDO
She is a good combat partner.
TURBINE RANDY
There’s more ta life than combat, Raymondo.
BUTCH DONAHUE
So much more.
(They go to RAYMONDO and snuggle up to him.)
TURBINE RANDY
Put yer big strong arms around us, Raymondo.
BUTCH DONAHUE
We’re cold, Raymondo, and you’re so, so hot.
RAYMONDO
Very well.
(He puts his arms around them.)
This is pleasant.
(CYNTHIA enters)
CYNTHIA
(shouting)
RAYMONDO!
(TURBINE and BUTCH jump up.)
TURBINE RANDY
We was cold.
BUTCH DONAHUE
He was keepin’ us warm.
CYNTHIA
I will disobey the Leader and TEAR OFF YOUR HEADS!
(She storms towards TURBINE and BUTCH, who flee offstage.)
CYNTHIA
Raymondo, something inside me is broken!
(She attacks RAYMONDO who does not fight back.)
RAYMONDO
No, Cynthia! You are destroying me!
CYNTHIA
Something inside me is broken!
RAYMONDO
Cynthia…my sweet cyborg bride…
CYNTHIA
Broken, broken, broken!
(She strangles RAYMONDO, then releases him, then embraces his body, then chants.)
CYNTHIA
(chanting)
Together forever,
My cyborg delight!
Together forever,
My brave cyborg knight!
Together forever!
Cyborgs in love!
Together forever!
Forever in love!
(Sadly, she lets go of him as the two GANGS enter cautiously.)
End of Act Two, Scene 7.
Cyborg Alley by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 8:
(The two gangs regard the scene with consternation.)
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
She’s killed Raymondo!
EBONY MARKO
Now she ain’t invincible.
TURBINE RANDY
We gotta punish her fer killin’ Raymondo.
BUTCH DONAHUE
I loved him and she took him away from me.
CHUCKY FROGMORTON
Let’s fight her. She can’t pull all our heads off.
CHOPPER MACHETE
There’s enough of us to do her in.
BINGO PLANT
She’s not gonna push us around no more.
ALKY DREEDLE
She killed Raymondo; now it’s her turn ta die.
CUB GUMMY
Let’s do it, and do it quick.
YOYO BURNS
We’ll show her and Boss Garrett who’s really boss.
SPIT and EBONY|
(together)
DO HER IN!
(The GANGS rush at CYNTHIA who does not resist. They swarm around her and kill her, then step away, leaving her body slumped over RAYMONDO.)
EBONY NARKO
See what we kin do when we work together?
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
We’re strong. Maybe stronger than the Pig Brigade.
EBONY NARKO
Maybe even stronger than them sojers on Third Street.
REST OF GANG MEMBERS
We’re strong!
(The MISERIES enter.)
RATTY BUCKET
What you done ta Raymondo and Cynthia?
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
We got rid of ‘em, and we’ll get rid of you too if ya don’t join us.
FINCH TOFFEE
Join ya fer what?
EBONY MARKO
Fer getting’ rid of Boss Garret and the piggies and then takin’ on them sojers on Third Street.
(The GANGS surround the MISERIES.)
TURBINE RANDY
You gonna join us or do we hafta kill ya?
RATTY BUCKET
I’ll join ya! Hell, it ain’t no worse than what we had before.
BUTCH DONAHUE
What about the rest of ya?
THE OTHER MISERIES
We’ll join ya! We don’t wanna die right here and now!
(BOSS GARRETT, RICO, and the PIG BRIGADE enter.)
BOSS GARRETT
Now just what in hell is goin’ on here?
DAINTY PEGGY
Looks like them cyborgs is defunct, Boss.
BOSS GARRETT
I kin see that, Dainty Peggy. Who done it?
(Her question is met with an ominous silence.)
BOSS GARRETT
I said, who done it, and how?
SLUG MORANTZ
I don’t like this, Boss.
WEASEL BOBBINS
I never seen ‘em like this before.
RICO TART
Rico has a very bad feeling is his stomach.
PUG TORKELSON
Maybe we should jus’ back away real quiet.
BOSS GARRETT
Shuddup. WHO KILLED MY CYBORGS?
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
We done it.
EBONY MARKO
And now we’re gonna do you.
(The two GANGS attack and kill BOSS GARRETT, RICO and the PIG BRIGADE while the MISERIES cower. The GANGS stand back to admire their handiwork.)
EBONY NARKO
That felt good, real good.
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
Everythin’s changed now. You and me, Ebony, we’re partners.
EBONY NARKO
Kind of like Raymondo and Cynthia.
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
If we kin do all this, we kin give them sojers on Third Street somethin’ ta remember, too.
EBONY NARKO
You refugees, ya better keep yer word and help us fight them sojers or we’ll kill you too, and right now!
(They surge towards the MISERIES.)
MISERIES
We’ll fight, we’ll fight.
SPIT LIPSCHITZ
We rule this alley now, and soon we’ll rule Third Street too.
EBONY NARKO
There’s some fightin’ to be done, and done now. Let’s go.
(They exit, driving the MISERIES offstage.)
End of Act Two, Scene 7.
Cyborg Alley by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 8:
(The ROTTEN ANGELS enter.)
ZAPP LEOPARD
Lookit this. So much death.
PUFF RUMPLE
Evan Cynthia and Raymondo.
SNOWDROP COBURN
And Boss Garrett.
PUFF RUMPLE
Zapp?
ZAPP LEOPARD
Yes, Puff?
PUFF RUMPLE
Is this the Happy Day we bin dreamin’ about?
ZAPP LEOPARD
Maybe it’s a happy day fer someone, Puff, but it sure ain’t a happy day fer us.
SNOWDROP COBURN
What we gonna do, Zapp?
ZAPP LEOPARD
Haul these bodies ta the crypt. That’s all we kin do now.
SNOWDROP COBURN
Ya, haul ‘em ta the crypt.
PUFF RUMPLE
Ta the old lonesome crypt.
ZAPP LEOPARD
Ta the crypt so’s they kin begin their last long Happy Day what goes on and on forever.
(she chants)
Take a look…
PUFF and SNOWBALL
(chanting)
Take a look!
ZAPP LEOPARD
(chanting)
Over yonder…
PUFF and SNOWBALL
(chanting)
Over yonder!
ZAPP LEOPARD
(chanting)
What you see?
PUFF and SNOWBALL
(chanting)
What you see?
ZAPP LEOPARD
(chanting)
The Happy Day!
PUFF and SNOWBALL
(chanting)
The Happy Day!
(The REFUGEES enter and join in.)
ROTTEN ANGELS
(chanting)
Suck the air…
REFUGEES
(chanting)
Suck the air!
ROTTEN ANGELS
(chanting)
And feel your heartbeat…
REFUGEES
(chanting)
Feel your heartbeat!
ROTTEN ANGELS
(chanting)
What’s that mean?
REFUGEES
(chanting)
What’s that mean?
ROTTEN ANGELS
(chanting)
The Happy Day.
REFUGEES
(chanting)
The Happy Day!
(The two GANGS enter and join in.)
ROTTEN ANGELS
(chanting)
Well, listen up and hear me say
Somethin’ good is on the way;
When it’s here it’s here ta stay:
The Happy Day!
REFUGEES and GANGS
(chanting)
The Happy Day!
ROTTEN ANGELS
(chanting)
The Happy Day!
REFUGEES and GANGS
(chanting)
The Happy Day!
Sing with us, dead folks!
(The dead arise, and all on stage move to the song in a sort of building ecstacy.)
ROTTEN ANGELS and REFUGEES
(chanting)
Take a look…
GANGS, CYBORGS, and PIG BRIGADE
(chanting)
Take a look!
ROTTEN ANGELS and REFUGEES
(chanting)
Over yonder…
GANGS, CYBORGS, and PIG BRIGADE
(chanting)
Over yonder!
ROTTEN ANGELS and REFUGEES
(chanting)
What you see?
GANGS, CYBORGS, and PIG BRIGADE
(chanting)
What you see?
ROTTEN ANGELS and REFUGEES
(chanting)
The Happy Day!
GANGS, CYBORGS, and PIG BRIGADE
(chanting)
The Happy Day!
ROTTEN ANGELS, REFUGEES and CYBORGS
(chanting)
Suck the air…
GANGS and PIG BRIGADE
(chanting)
Suck the air!
ROTTEN ANGELS, REFUGEES, CYBORGS
(chanting)
And feel your heartbeat…
GANGS and PIG BRIGADE
(chanting)
Feel your heartbeat!
ROTTEN ANGELS, REFUGEES, and CYBORGS
(chanting)
What’s that mean?
GANGS and PIG BRIGADE
(chanting)
What’s that mean?
ROTTEN ANGELS, REFUGEES, and CYBORGS
(chanting)
The Happy Day.
GANGS and PIG BRIGADE
(chanting)
The Happy Day!
ALL ON STAGE
(chanting)
Well, listen up and hear me say
Somethin’ good is on the way;
When it’s here it’s here ta stay:
The Happy Day!
ZAPP LEOPARD
(chanting)
The Happy Day!
ALL ON STAGE
(chanting)
The Happy Day!
ZAPP LEOPARD
(chanting)
The Happy Day!
ALL ON STAGE
(chanting)
The Happy Day!
END OF PLAY.