Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2003
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 45 minutes.
• style: fairy tale
• suitable for general audiences
• 21 characters (16 female, 5 male)
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Rose-Lisa and the Magic Stones” is a fairy tale about a fractious little village that’s visited by an old woman who offers to save the inhabitants from a catastrophic event.
(This play was first performed on January 20, 21, 22, 23, in the year 2003, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
Go to:
CHARACTERS:
Zedeba, the Old Woman
Rose-Lisa, a little orphan girl
Tindy Bekkora, a carpenter who looks after Rose Lisa
Hompala Boto, a butcher
Todo Boto, Hompala Boto’s lazy husband
Simpi Boto, their daughter
Bragyy Noxit, a green grocer
Fidja Noxit, her daughter
Nellita Godrise, a baker
Latti Pond, a weaver
Janko Talby, the village mayor
Beeja Talby, his ambitious wife
Poppka Talby, their spoiled daughter
Voden Darkon, a woodcutter
Sartra Darkon, his wife
Toban Darkon, their son
Hamfist Blunt, a blacksmith
Tarma BLunt, his wife
Minika Blunt, their daughter
Crabba Nipnose, an old widow
Babba Nipnose, her Sister, also a widow
Rose-Lisa and the Magic Stones by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 1:
(The village square. HOMPALA BOTO enters with her daughter SIMPI BOTO.)
HOMPALA BOTO
Where is your lazy father, Simpi?
SIMPI BOTO
When last I saw him, he was sitting on the edge of your feather bed belching like a drunkard.
HOMPALA BOTO
Todo! Todo Boto! There’s meat to be chopped, you lazy slug!
(TODO BOTO enters.)
TODO BOTO
I need my sleep, Hompala. I’m a very fragile sort of man.
SIMPI BOTO
Father, why were you belching so loudly and so often?
HOMPALA BOTO
It’s from eating five helpings of liver and onions. Who’d think such a small man could stuff his belly with so much meat?
TODO BOTO
I thank the gods I married a butcher.
HOMPALA BOTO
I curse the gods for making me share my feather bed with a sleepy, belching glutton.
SIMPI BOTO
Is it time to open the shop, Mother?
HOMPALA BOTO
Past time. The sun is risen high in the sky.
(BRAGGY and FIDJA NOXIT enter.)
BRAGGY NOXIT
Good day, Hompala. I see that Todo is functioning.
HOMPALA BOTO
Barely. And there’s a good-sized slab of meat to be chopped. How is little Fidja today?
FIDJA NOXIT
I am going to help Mother display her ample wares.
TODO BOTO
I hope you mean her vegetables.
SIMPI BOTO
What else would she mean, Father?
HOMPALA BOTO
Todo! You vulgar little man! A thousand apologies, Braggy Noxit.
BRAGGY NOXIT
None needed, Hompala Boto. An attractive widow such as myself gets used to the fond attention of men hungry for more than vegetables.
FIDJA NOXIT
Mother is still a very attractive vegetable vendor, despite her advanced age.
BRAGGY NOXIT
Fidja! I am still young and spry!
TODO BOTO
Then give us a sprightly jig, Braggi Noxit!
(He claps his hands, Fidja joins in, and SIMPI BOTO hums a jaunty tune. BRAGGY NOXIT prances about like a pony. NELLITA GODRISE enters as the dance ends.)
NELLITA GODRISE
You’re a wild one, Braggy Noxit!
BRAGGY NOXIT
I like to prance like a pony, Nellita Godrise.
TODO BOTO
Got a bun for Todo, Nellita, my fine woman?
NELLITA GODRISE
The buns are in the bakery where they belong, Todo Boto…unless of course you can produce some coins?
HOMPALA BOTO
He has nothing.
SIMPI BOTO
I’d like to be a baker! Buns and biscuits and bread by sunrise every day!
BRAGGY NOXIT
Vegetables are more certain. They require no oven and sit in their little piles both night and day.
NELLITA GODRISE
A vegetable will never be the equal of a tart.
HOMPALA BOTO
Meat is king of the belly! It beckons to the hungry man unlike any other food!
TODO BOTO
Stop talking of meat, Hompala! It makes my gut churn. I fear I shall vomit!
SIMPI BOTO
I mention biscuits and everyone erupts!
NELLITA GODRISE
The baker is the cornerstone of a healthy village.
BRAGGY NOXIT
But what would we do without tubers galore?
(HAMFIST BLUNT enters with TARMA and MINIKA as everyone
argues angrily.)
TARMA BLUNT
Good people, you’re shouting!
MINIKA BLUNT
What news? Is the kingdom wracked by war?
HAMFIST BLUNT
Such a row, like cows in a paddock competing for a lusty bull.
(Note: the “ow” in “row” is pronounced like the “ow” that means “ouch”!)
SIMPI BOTO
Not a row, just a friendly debate among those who must sell food to survive.
HOMPALA BOTO
Blacksmith, do not be supposing you are better than we who ply food.
HAMFIST BLUNT
I suppose nothing. I state what is obvious.
TARMA BLUNT
Hamfist is a blacksmith and is rugged and direct.
MINIKA BLUNT
My daddy beats the iron into anything he wants.
BRAGGY NOXIT
Let him beat it into oblivion for all I care. He is nothing more than a smoke-blackened drudge!
HAMFIST BLUNT
And you’re nothing but a gas bag, Braggy Noxit!
TARMA BLUNT
You eat too many vegetables!
MINIKA BLUNT
You pass gas like a hot smelly wind from the rubbish dump.
NELLITA GODRISE
It is natural to pass wind and should not cause neighbours to fight.
SIMPI BOTO
Meat also causes intestinal distress. Just take one look at Father!
(Everyone looks at TODO, who is sitting down holding his belly
and groaning.)
TODO BOTO
Ohhhh! The liver and onions are bubbling and boiling in my belly! How I wish I could regurgitate and get it other with.
(VODEN DARKON enters with SARTRA and TOBAN.)
SARTRA DARKON
Neighbours! Good day! What, is Todo Boto ill again?
HOMPALA BOTO
Too much liver has entered his tract, Sartra Darkon.
TOBAN DARKON
Father, can you do something?
VODEN DARKON
No, Toban. I am a woodcutter, not a miracle worker. Todo must suffer until the liver erupts out of his body from one end or the other.
SARTRA DARKON
Voden has been chopping for a week. Who wants wood for winter?
SIMPI BOTO
Mother! Wood at last!
HOMPALA BOTO
Too dear. We shall subsist by burning rendered fat from my shop.
TOBAN DARKON
Father let me chop too, for the first time.
SARTRA DARKON
Toban almost severed his own leg. The boy is clumsy, I’m afraid.
NELLITA GODRISE
I recall the day he tried to help me bake, and burned his buttocks on the oven.
TOBAN DARKON
I was cold so I sat for a moment on Nellita’s hot iron stove.
SARTRA DARKON
His trousers got scorched.
(LATTI POND enters.)
VODEN DARKON
Latti Pond, do you recall the dreadful day Toban scorched his pants?
LATTI POND
Of course, for it was I who had to weave a new pair of knickers for the boy.
SARTRA DARKON
They were an attractive shade of blue, but quickly lost their luster in the forest.
LATTI POND
Do you mean to say my weaving was inadequate, Sartra Darkon?
BRAGGY NOXIT
She simply indicates that the forest is thick with filth, Latti Pond.
FIDJA NOXIT
Mother will not let me play there for fear my petticoats will become soiled.
TODO BOTO
(rocking in pain)
My guts! Does no one care?
HOMPALA BOTO
Serves you right for guzzling liver!
LATTI POND
His trousers are tight from his expanded gut, Hompala. Should I weave a new pair more suited to his augmented midriff?
TODO BOTO
Do not speak of trousers! It makes me focus on my heaving centre!
NELLITA GODRISE
He is in a bad way, Hompala. His belly swells like a yeasty bun.
SIMPI BOTO
Oh Mother, perhaps he will explode!
(CRABBA and BABBA NIPNOSE enter.)
CRABBA NIPNOSE
What’s all the wailing about?
BABBA NIPNOSE
Has someone succumbed to death’s icy embrace?
BRAGGY NOXIT
No, Babby Nipnose. It’s only Todo Boto, who is stretched from too much liver.
TODO BOTO
Ohhh!
MINIKA BLUNT
He cries out like a rabbit in the jaws of a wolf!
HAMFIST BLUNT
Listen to him moan!
SARTRA DARKON
Does he manifest that much passion in your feather bed, Hompala Boto?
HOMPALA BOTO
The only sound from him at night is the endless awful snoring.
CRABBA NIPNOSE
(to BABBA)
It’s a blessing that our men are dead and gone.
BABBA NIPNOSE
All men are a burden, to be sure.
NELLITA GODRISE
No man shall ever bend me to his will. I shall bake with absolute liberty.
SARTRA DARKON
(taking her husband’s arm)
I have no regrets about Voden. He is a model for his gender.
VODEN DARKON
Sartra and I produced Toban, though he is dim.
TOBAN DARKON
I struggle to understand even the most simple things.
(TINDY BEKKORA enters with ROSE-LISA.)
TINDY BEKKORA
Rose-Lisa, behold the people of the village, gathered and gossiping!
ROSE-LISA
Is that Todo Boto writhing on the ground?
CRABBA NIPNOSE
Aye, little Rose-Lisa. The man has had his fill of liver, and now must pay the price.
BABBA NIPNOSE
Behold, Rose-Lisa, the fruits of his nasty labour over a fully loaded plate.
TODO BOTO
Ohhhhh! Ohhhhhhh!
TINDY BEKKORA
What a sight! Perhaps soon I will be required to build a wooden box into which his defunct body shall be stuffed, just like a sausage in one of Nellita’s hard-baked buns.
NELLITA GODRISE
Hard-baked! You are ungrateful, Tindy Bekkora! I have extended you credit to see you through your destitution, and you thank me with an insult.
TINDY BEKKORA
I would not be destitute if others in the village would pay me for the boards I hack on their behalf.
BRAGGY NOXIT
The bench you built collapsed under Fidja. I shall not pay!
FIDJA NOXIT
Two days of pulling slivers from my tender rump!
SIMPI BOTO
Remember, Mother, the table she constructed for our shop? Beneath the rendered fat it sat until it collapsed, sending the fat splat onto the nimbly leaping cat, poor dear.
ROSE-LISA
Do not berate Step-mama! She does her best!
HAMFIST BLUNT
It is the poorly hewn wood from Voden Darkon’s forest that is to blame.
VODEN DARKON
My wood is strong enough to bear an army!
TOBAN DARKON
Perhaps my wood is faulty, Father. I chop and plane but somehow I sense I fail with the boards.
HAMFIST BLUNT
Never trust a plank.
TARMA BLUNT
A stout piece of iron will always prevail over the easily rotted boards.
BRAGGY NOXIT
Iron and wood are no substitute for hearty vegetables.
NELLITA GODRISE
Nor for well-baked bread.
SIMPI BOTO
Not to mention Mama’s moist and tangy meat!
TODO BOTO
OHHHHHHH!
(JANKO, BEEJA, and POPPKA TALBY enter.)
ROSE-LISA
The mayor! Perhaps he will ease Todo’s agony.
TINDY BEKKORA
Unlikely. The mayor himself is dyspeptic and cannot even digest a biscuit.
JANKO TALBY
Good morrow, fine people of our fine village. Why are you gathered in a clump?
BEEJA TALBY
Perhaps it has much to do with Todo Boto, my dear Janko. He is collapsed upon the village earth as though gripped by death.
POPPKA TALBY
Father, the man is down and may in fact be ready for a box.
TINDY BEKKORA
And one shall be built, provided I receive payment in advance.
JANKO TALBY
Is Todo dead?
TODO BOTO
OHHHHHHHH!
HOMPALA BOTO
Apparently not.
BEEJA TALBY
Janko, my dear, the man is clearly close to death. Perhaps there is some way we could turn his suffering to our advantage, and increase the wealth of our village.
JANKO TALBY
We are not now wealthy, and never have been, Beeja. Nor will we be wealthy tomorrow. Our village is poor and weak, except for the chest of treasure in the vestibule of the church.
POPPKA TALBY
The treasure should be used to buy me gorgeous frocks and frilly leotards from the finest dressmakers, as well as jewellry and satin bedsheets.
BEEJA TALBY
(aside to POPPKA)
You shall have them my dear, anon. Meantime have patience. This is neither the time nor the place to speak of such things.
POPPKA TALBY
Mama, my heart soars when I think of all the lovely things that will soon be mine!
JANKO TALBY
Good people, I have thought about the suffering of Todo Boto, and I have reached my conclusion.
LATTI POND
The mayor weaves a strand of his intellect into the great warp and woof of his magnificent mind.
NELLITA GODRISE
The oven of his mouth opens to reveal the baked goods of his brain.
SARTRA DARKON
A tree of an idea is chopped from the forest in his head and popped into the red-hot stove of our curiosity.
TARMA BLUNT
The molten metal of the mayor’s mighty mind plops a drop into the mould he makes to fashion our destiny!
(All wait, agog with expectation, even TODO, who has temporarily ceased his groaning.)
JANKO TALBY
We will let Todo Boto die and bury him without a box. It will cost us nothing but labour, which will be contributed by the children, who have nothing better to do.
SIMPI BOTO
Mother! The mayor wants me to dig the nasty hole into which Daddy must be tossed like a dog’s old bone!
HOMPALA BOTO
Hopefully, the earth won’t spit him out again.
FIDJA NOXIT
Mummy, I have been ordered to handle Todo Boto’s stinking corpse! Can you not intervene?
BRAGGI NOXIT
Todo will smell no worse in death than he did in life, Fidja.
TOBAN DARKON
Father, will I have to wrap Todo in a sheet stained by his leaking guts?
VODEN DARKON
No need to waste a perfectly good sheet on Todo Bodo.
MINIKA BLUNT
Todo was a lump in life, and soon he will be a lump in death, and we children will have to stuff him under the turf like one of Braggy Noxit’s seed potatoes.
POPPKA TALBY
I shall be exempt from the planting of Todo, of course, for I am the daughter of the mayor, and death cannot and will not be allowed to compromise my delicate sensibilities.
ROSE-LISA
I do not mind helping to tuck Todo away. I shall dig with my little shovel, and gently drop the clods on his little shrunken face.
TODO BOTO
NOOOOO! Uhnnnnnnn! I’m NOT DEAD YET, for the LOVE OF GOD! Uhnnnnnn! MY GUTS ARE ON FIRE! Uhhhhh….
(He becomes unconscious.)
BEEJA TALBY
The man is slow in dying. Perhaps we can hasten the event by placing a pillow over his face. It would be an act of kindness for one so tormented by intestinal distress. Who is in agreement?
LATTI POND
But that would be murder! We cannot simply murder Todo, even though we all agree he is useless and a drain on the village economy.
HOMPALA BOTO
If murder was allowed, I would have put the man to death long ago.
(ZEDEBA enters.)
ZEDEBA
Greetings, people of the village of Botula.
CRABBA NIPNOSE
A withered stranger approaches.
BABBA NIPNOSE
What do you want, you bent old crone?
ZEDEBA
I see there is a little man unconscious on the ground.
LATTI POND
He is one of our own, though we like him not. Mind your own affairs, hag from somewhere else.
ZEDEBA
I can perhaps cure the poor chap, for I have medicinal potions for all occasions.
NELLITA GODRISE
We have more or less decided to let him die, old woman.
VODEN DARKON
He is a burden, you see. A self-indulgent glutton and lazy beyond belief.
JANKO TALBY
We will not pay you to cure such a man.
ZEDEBA
I do not require payment. I will restore the fellow simply because it is the correct thing to do.
SIMPI BOTO
Old woman, do so. Though he is a lout and a boor and an endless source of irritation, he is still my father.
JANKO TALBY
I am the mayor, am I not? And did I not, just moments ago, command that Todo must be left to die?
SIMPI BOTO
Have mercy on him, Mayor Talby!
JANKO TALBY
I am not in a merciful mood.
ZEDEBA
Let me cure the man, Mayor Talby, and in return I will tell all of you a very important secret.
BRAGGY NOXIT
A secret! And an important one!
LATTI POND
It is a trick. The old stranger means to take advantage of us in some way.
BEEJA TALBY
No, no, Latti Pond. The old woman is eager to cure the fallen meat cutter. Perhaps we should let her do it. It will cost us nothing, and we will hear her secret.
SARTRA DARKON
The only drawback is the resurrection of that nasty little man.
JANKO TALBY
Because I am a generous fellow, I will let you vote. All those in favour of allowing the crone to resurrect Todo Boto raise your hands.
(After some hesitation, and some dirty looks, everyone but
HOMPALA raises their hands.)
JANKO TALBY
All those against?
(Only HOMPALA raises her hand.)
JANKO TALBY
Then it’s settled. The crone will save Todo Boto.
ZEDEBA
Leave me alone with the man. Come back later. He will be resurrected. Then you will all hear the secret, just as I promised.
BEEJA TALBY
Do not cheat us, old woman, or we’ll hunt you down and chop off your head!
(EVERYONE except ZEDEBA and TODO BOTO exits.)
ZEDEBA
Now, my little friend, let’s get you back on your funny little legs.
(She pulls out a vial of liquid, and dabs some on his forehead. He groans, opens his eyes, sees her and leaps up.)
TODO BOTO
The Angel of Death! Don’t take me! I’m not worth the effort!
ZEDEBA
And I’m not the Angel of Death. I’m your saviour. I have brought you back from the brink of oblivion.
TODO BOTO
You’re a stranger. Why did you save me?
ZEDEBA
It was the correct action in accordance with the universal principal of compassion.
TODO BOTO
Don’t talk fancy with me. Just say what you mean.
ZEDEBA
I saved you because I could. It’s as simple as that.
TODO BOTO
My belly no longer tortures me. I am free from those horrid cramps and gasses that caused me to bloat.
ZEDEBA
Yes, free to return to your family and to rejoin your life as a lazy husband who mostly sleeps and eats.
TODO BOTO
(shouting)
HOMPALA! I’M ALIVE! Fry up a nice slab of meat and get the bed ready! Sweet Daddy Todo’s coming home!
(He exits.)
ZEDEBA
They’ll be back soon, wanting to know the secret. I’ll keep them waiting for a bit. Anticipation is always better than gratification.
(She exits.)
End of Scene 1.
Rose-Lisa and the Magic Stones by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 2:
(Everyone enters except TODO BODO, ZEDEBA, HOMPALA and SIMPI.)
JANKO TALBY
The old woman’s not here. Where’s Todo Boto?
SIMPI BOTO
(entering with HOMPALA)
At home feeding his face as though nothing has happened.
HOMPALA BOTO
He is pushing meat into his gob at a prodigious rate and will no doubt shortly be sick again.
NELLITA GODRISE
Well, the fool is saved, but the old woman has run off. It’s hard to tell whether we’ve won something, or lost something.
ROSE-LISA
Nothing was won or lost. A man was saved from death; that’s all, and that’s everything.
TINDY BEKKORA
Rose-Lisa, you are an orphan. Don’t speak as if you were a princess.
BABBA NIPNOSE
Having Todo Boto back among us could easily be construed as defeat.
CRABBA NIPNOSE
We would all be better off if he was dead.
BRAGGI NOXIT
The man is of no use to me. He never buys vegetables, and eats only free meat from Hompala’s shop.
FIDJA NOXIT
Don’t worry, Mama. Todo Bodo shall not live long on a diet so high in fat.
LATTI POND
I shall benefit from his ever-increasing waistline, which shall require ever-larger pairs of trousers.
NELLITA GODRISE
Why are we wasting time talking about Todo Bodo? Aren’t any of you upset that the old woman is gone? She promised to tell us a secret.
CRABBA NIPNOSE
Yes, she has cheated us by breaking her promise!
TARMA BLUNT
We should set out after her, and capture her, and then poke at her with hot iron rods from Hamfist’s shop. She’d cough up the secret soon enough if her own flesh was cooking right under her nose.
HAMFIST BLUNT
But my dear, that would be torture, would it not?
MINIKA BLUNT
Mummy, you’re frightening me.
SARTRA DARKON
I agree with Tarma Blunt. Voden, get your axe and pursue the crone. She’d spill her secret soon enough if you chopped off her toes.
VODEN DARKON
Great heavens, Sartra, we can’t just chop off her toes just because she didn’t tell us a secret. What’s come over you?
TOBAN DARKON
Mother, your eyes are bulging and you’re sweating.
CRABBA NIPNOSE
If I could catch that old woman, I’d give her a kick and a slap and pull her teeth out one by one until she told the secret.
BABBA NIPNOSE
Crabba Nipnose, I’ve never heard you talk that way before!
BEEJA TALBY
No need for such violence! All we’d have to do is yank out her fingernails. That would make her spill the secret.
JANKO TALBY
Her fingernails? No, no, Beeja, it would make far more sense to pull her arms out of their sockets.
POPPKA TALBY
Mother, a woman’s fingernails are more precious than her brain. I know mine are. How could you say such a thing?
(ZEDEBA enters.)
ZEDEBA
Do I detect the sound of angry voices?
BRAGGY NOXIT
She’s come back! Now we’ll hear the secret!
JANKO TALBY
As mayor of the Village of Botula, I order you to reveal the secret. After all, you promised.
ZEDEBA
I would never break a promise.
(TODO BODO rushes in.)
TODO BOTO
I want to hear the secret too. Perhaps it’s about a hidden cache of jerked beef.
LATTI POND
So it’s true! Todo Boto’s alive and as healthy as ever! It’s either a miracle or a curse!
HOMPALA BODO
A curse! Look at him, stuffed with meat again!
ZEDEBA
Now everyone, if you really want to know the secret, you’ll have to listen carefully.
(They become very still and attentive.)
ZADEBA
Todo Bodo was very sick, but not from eating too much liver. There is a terrible plague approaching. It is carried in the rain, and everywhere the rain falls, people die. One small drop of poison rain fell on Todo Bodo, and look how sick it made him.
BEEJA TALBY
How do we know you’re telling the truth, old woman?
ZEDEBA
(taking out a vial of liquid)
Here is a sample of the plague-carrying rain. Would you care to have me place a drop on your forehead, madam?
BEEJA TALBY
No. But we don’t know if that’s really a sample of the rain.
ZEDEBA
That’s right. You don’t know.
CRABBA NIPNOSE
Have you been touched by the poisonous rain, old woman?
ZEDEBA
Why yes, of course.
BABBA NIPNOSE
Then why are you still alive?
ZEDEBA
I have practised medicine all my long life. I know how to protect myself.
NELLITA GODRISE
How do you protect yourself?
ZEDEBA
(takes out a stone)
See this stone? It’s a healing stone.
SIMPI BOTO
A healing stone?
ZEDEBA
Yes, a healing stone.
MINIKA BLUNT
Where did you get it?
ZEDEBA
From the place where the plague first began.
FIDJA NOXIT
How did you make it into a healing stone?
ZEDEBA
It was always a healing stone, waiting for the deadly rain to fall upon it.
TOBAN DARKON
Why did the stone have to wait for the rain?
ZEDEBA
The stone’s healing powers could only be awakened by the touch of death.
SIMPI, MINIKA, FIDJA, and TOBAN
The touch of death!
ZEDEBA
I walked many miles to find this stone, but it was worth it, for now I shall not die beneath the rain of death.
ROSE-LISA
Thank you for telling us the secret, old woman.
(to the others)
Perhaps we should run away from the approaching rain?
ZEDEBA
You could never travel fast enough to escape, my child.
BRAGGY NOXIT
Doomed to die! All of us! How long do we have, old woman?
ZEDEBA
Perhaps a day, perhaps less.
NELLITA GODRISE
A day! No more baking bread, buns, and biscuits. Soon I’ll be crumpled on the ground after an agony of cramps.
BEEJA TALBY
Don’t be silly. All we have to do is remain indoors until the rain passes.
ZEDEBA
The rain is heavy, and the moisture in the air will be everywhere, even in the driest hiding place.
JANKO TALBY
Old woman, I order you to give us your healing stone.
ZEDEBA
Once a healing stone has been warmed in the hand of its owner, it’s power is released and it will heal only her.
VODEN DARKON
Janko Talby, we made you mayor because you promised to protect us from danger. This is the greatest danger ever. What are you going to do?
JANKO TALBY
Old woman, I command you to help us.
ZEDEBA
(to JANKO)
Orders and commands! Is that all you have to offer? Perhaps I should be on my way.
(She starts to exit.)
BEEJA TALBY
Wait! Old woman, why did you choose to tell us about the plague? What’s in it for you?
ZEDEBA
It costs me nothing to tell you the truth, though the truth will cost you your lives.
BEEJA TALBY
Perhaps we can reach an agreement that gives us what we want, and you what you want.
ZEDEBA
I want nothing, madam.
HAMFIST BLUNT
Who’s the mayor, Janko Talby, you or your wife?
VODEN DARKON
Make the old woman help us or I swear we’ll kill you before the plague does!
(Others shout randomly “Make her help us”, “You’re the mayor”,
“Do something” etc.)
JANKO TALBY
All right! All right!
(everyone settles)
Old woman, if you help us, you can become the mayor. I don’t want the job anymore.
BEEJA TALBY
Janko!
POPPKA TALBY
Father!
ZEDEBA
And what would you have me do if I was to become the mayor?
TINDY BEKKORA
First, you would have to protect us from that awful rain of death, of course.
JANKO TALBY
After that, all you’d have to do is guard the treasure chest in the vestibule of the church, just as I have done all these years.
BEEJA TALBY
But Janko…
ZEDEBA
(interrupting BEEJA)
Is that why your wife and daughter are so well-dressed?
HOMPALA TODO
Have you been cheating us, Janko Talby?
BEEJA TALBY
(desperate to change the subject)
This is no time to fight amongst ourselves. Will you be our new mayor, old woman?
ZEDEBA
Yes, since you ask me to. Now, I must give my first order. I want you all to wait here while I fetch something very important.
(She exits.)
SARTRA DARKON
She’s going to run away and leave us to die!
TARMA BLUNT
The woman is a witch! She has bedeviled us with her clever arguments!
LATTI POND
No! We must trust her. What choice do we have? You saw how sick Todo was!
TINDY BEKKORA
He was writhing on the ground like a burning serpent.
TODO BOTO
My guts were on fire!
BRAGGY NOXIT
Did you get a drop of rain water on you this morning, Todo?
TODO BOTO
How would I know? A single drop is hard to feel.
ROSE-LISA
You did, Todo Boto, you did. Don’t you remember? You were standing on your front step urinating as I was passing by, and you touched your nose and said it was starting to rain. Then you finished urinating and went back in your house.
HOMPALA BOTO
Peeing on the step again, you little weasel!
SIMPI TODO
Father, you’re impossible.
TODO BOTO
It’s so far to the outhouse. But now I remember! A drop of water touched my nose. And then a little later my stomach started to burn and the agony began.
NELLITA GODRISE
The old woman must speak the truth.
TARMA BLUNT
Yes. Todo Boto was touched by a raindrop while urinating on his step and then he got sick.
LATTI POND
It’s as simple as that.
TODO BOTO
Must we keep talking about me urinating?
BRAGGY NOXIT
Look! It’s getting cloudy! It’s going to rain soon!
SARTRA DARKON
The rain of death! Voden, hold me! Where are you Toban, my little lad?
TOBAN DARKON
Hear I am, Mother, right beside you.
(She grasps him to her.)
LATTI POND
If that old woman doesn’t help us, not one of us will live through the deluge.
BRAGGI NOXIT
Where is that damned old woman?
(Everyone looks around and up at the sky. There is much agitation. ZEDEBA enters with a bag of stones.)
ZEDEBA
My first job as your new mayor is to save you from the plague. In this bag is a stone for each of you. Reach in, one-by-one, and take one. Hold it tightly in you hand until it becomes warm. Then keep it with you always and you will be saved from the plague.
(She hands round the stones, with admonishments and encouragements to each of the recipients, such as “hold it tight”, “take the first one you feel”, and “let it get warm”, “don’t lose it” etc.)
ZEDEBA
Now you are protected, and just in time. The rain is about to fall. I’ve got to go to the church and begin my job of guarding the treasure. I always keep my promises.
(She exits.)
ROSE-LISA
My healing stone! It’s gone!
TINDY BEKKORA
But you just had it, stupid girl! Where did you put it?
ROSE-LISA
Nowhere! I had it in my hand, and it was warm, and now it’s gone!
TINDY BEKKORA
Quick, everyone, look for it! The rain is going to fall any second!
(All but the TALBY family frantically search but the stone cannot be found…they make a tableau around ROSE-LISA.)
MINIKA BLUNT
It’s no good, Rose-Lisa. The stone is gone! OH, I felt a drop of rain!
LATTI POND
Me too! The heavens are about to open and pour death down on us.
CRABBA NIPNOSE
The little girl will surely die, but we shall live!
BABBA NIPNOSE
The rain is falling harder!
SARTRA DARKON
Rose-Lisa is getting drenched! Soon she shall fall over and die in agony.
NELLITA GODRISE
The rain is falling, but I feel fine! The old woman did not lie about the stones!
BEEJA TALBY
But look at Rose-Lisa! She’s not dying! She’s not even getting sick!
(ROSE-LISA is standing unaffected.)
ROSE-LISA
The rain feels wonderful! Oh, it’s stopping! And I’m fine!
TINDY BEKKORA
The little beggar doesn’t have a stone, and she survived.
BEEJA TALBY
We’ve been tricked! That old woman lied to us!
HOMPALA BOTO
Just the same, I’m not letting go of my stone just in case there’s some sort of truth in the old woman’s words.
BRAGGY NOXIT
I’m holding onto mine too. Fidja, don’t let go of your stone, dear.
FIDJA NOXIT
I won’t, Mummy. But I might throw it at that awful old woman if she comes back.
SARTRA DARKON
Hang onto your rock, Toban…hold it tight, now. You know how forgetful you are.
TOBAN DARKON
I will hang on to the rock with all my might, Mama.
LATTI POND
Better to grasp the stone and remain upright than to let it go and possibly fall.
JANKO TALBY
We better all hold on to our stones, just in case.
VODEN DARKON
Who are you to tell us what to do? You’re not the mayor anymore.
BEEJA TALBY
That’s right, Janko, you fool! You let the old woman become the mayor, and she’s gone to the church where the treasure is kept!
POPPKA TALBY
Mummy! What if she takes the treasure! I’ll never get any more lovely dresses or fancy necklaces!
JANKO TALBY
Shut up, Poppka!
TARMA BLUNT
Hamfist, it’s obvious Janko Talby was stealing from the treasure chest!
TINDY BEKKORA
That little girl of theirs wears a fortune in clothes and jewels.
HAMFIST BLUNT
We’ll deal with him later. Someone go to the church to see if the old woman is there!
MINIKA BLUNT
I’ll go!
TOBAN DARKON
I’ll go with her!
(They exit.)
NELLITA GODRISE
Beeja Talby, you are the one that first wanted to make a deal with that old woman.
SARTRA DARKON
That’s right! And then you almost peed yourself in your eagerness to support your husband’s plan to make her mayor!
BEEJA TALBY
No! It was all my husband’s idea!
JANKO TALBY
Beeja! That’s not true! You asked the old woman to be our leader.
TINDY BEKKORA
You practically begged her because you thought you could control her.
TARMA BLUNT
I said the old woman was a witch, but none of you would listen!
BRAGGY NOXIT
You said we should torture her with hot irons to make her tell the secret, Tarma Blunt!
CRABBA NIPNOSE
You believed the old woman too, Braggy Noxit.
BABBA NIPNOSE
You trusted her just like everyone else.
LATTI POND
I never completely trusted her. A little voice inside kept niggling at me, warning me about her.
TODO BOTO
But the old woman saved me! She must have been telling the truth!
HOMPALA BOTO
You were just sick from too much liver, you chump. She must have given you something to cure your stomachache.
SIMPI BOTO
If you hadn’t eaten all that liver and gotten sick in the first place, Father, none of this would be happening!
JANKO TALBY
We should kill Todo Boto! He’s to blame! He’s to blame for everything!
VODEN DARKON
Kill him! Kill the useless little weasel!
HAMFIST BLUNT
Kill the little meat eater!
SARTRA DARKON
Kill the horrible little flesh addict!
TODO BOTO
Please don’t kill me! I didn’t mean to get a stomachache!
(They all form a threatening tableau around the shrieking
Todo just as SIMPI BOTO and TOBAN DARKON enter.)
SIMPI BOTO
Good people! Friends! Neighbours! The treasure’s gone!
TOBAN DARKON
And the old woman has disappeared!
NELLITA GODRISE
All that lovely treasure? Gone?
SIMPI and TOBAN
Gone!
POPPKA TALBY
Gone! There’s nothing left to live for.
TINDY BEKKORA
There’s no point in killing Todo Boto now. It won’t get the treasure back.
NELLITA GODRISE
That old woman made fools of us all.
JANKO TALBY
Now the old woman has gone, I’m mayor again.
BEEJA TALBY
My husband’s the boss once more, so you all better show due respect.
POPPKA TALBY
Oh, Daddy, I’m feeling better already.
BEEJA TALBY
Janko, you must punish the allies of the old woman.
JANKO TALBY
Those of you who supported the old woman are banished from the village forever.
HOMPALA BOTO
But you and your wife supported the old woman. Are you banishing yourselves?
BEEJA TALBY
Of course not. Janko and I only pretended to support the old woman, so that we could find out who we could trust. So now, Hompala Boto, you are banished, you traitor!
HOMPALA BOTO
Me? But…
POPPKA TALBY
Shut up, or Daddy will have you flogged!
JANKO TALBY
And you can take your brat and that slug of a husband of yours too.
HOMPALA BOTO
You’re only doing this because I suspected you stole from the treasure chest.
TODO BOTO
Can we at least eat some of our meat before we go?
BEEJA TALBY
No! Be gone, traitors!
SIMPI BOTO
Come, Mama and Papa; we should not stay were we are not welcome.
(The Botos exit sadly.)
BEEJA TALBY
And you, Voden Darkon, you can take your silly axe and your awful wife and child and get out of here forever.
SARTRA DARKON
It’s not fair! You’re just picking anyone you ever had a fight with!
JANKO TALBY
I’m the mayor, and the mayor has the right to exile anyone he chooses.
VODEN DARKON
We won’t forget this, Janko Talby. My memory is as sharp as my axe.
TOBAN DARKON
I will miss the village, Father. I would often come here to have a good laugh at Todo Boto.
SARTRA DARKON
Todo Boto’s gone now, Toban. And we must go too.
(The Darkons exit.)
BEEJA TALBY
Now you, Nellita Godrise. Get out of Botula, and take your yeast with you!
NELLITA GODRISE
You harlot! I’ll go, but I’ll not forget. Every time I bake a bun, I’ll imagine your head in my oven!
(She exits.)
JANKO TALBY
Crabba and Babba Nipnose, out!
CRABBA NIPNOSE
But we’ve lived here all our long lives.
BABBA NIPNOSE
We knew you when you were a silly little boy running about in underpants, Janko Talby.
BEEJA TALBY
Well, he’s a big man who wears the mayor’s pants now, so get out, you two silly old maids.
CRABBA NIPNOSE
Come, Babba. We shall wander off into the forest.
BABBA NIPNOSE
Better to die in the forest than here were we’re not wanted.
(They exit.)
JANKO TALBY
The rest of you can stay, but only because I say so.
LATTI POND
I can’t stay here. I’ll offer my weaving services to another village. You don’t deserve my lovely designs.
(She exits.)
TINDY BEKKORA
We must leave too, Rose-Lisa. A carpenter needs a village full of people to make a living.
ROSE-LISA
No, Step-Mama, I must stay. You go, please. But let me choose.
TINDY BEKKORA
All right, Rose-Lisa. Each must choose for herself. Farewell, child.
(She exits.)
JANKO TALBY
Now, Hamfist and Tarma Blunt, are you going to take back what you said about me stealing money from the treasure chest?
HAMFIST BLUNT
Of course, Mr. Talby. Tarma and I apologize.
TARMA BLUNT
Yes. We apologize unconditionally, Mr. Talby. Please don’t banish us.
MINIKA BLUNT
I don’t apologize. I hate you, Janko Talby, and I hate your stupid wife and your ugly daughter!
(She runs away.)
TARMA BLUNT
Minnika, come back here!
HAMFIST BLUNT
Look at her run! She’ll be halfway across the kingdom by nightfall!
TARMA BLUNT
(Shouting at MINIKA)
Go on then! See if we care! You were always a sharp little thorn pricking our privacy!
HAMFIST BLUNT
Now she’s gone, we’ll have privacy in quantities grand, Tarma, my sweet.
(He embraces her.)
TARMA BLUNT
Oh, Hamfist!
BRAGGY NOXIT
Fidja, don’t say a word to upset Mr. Talby.
FIDJA NOXIT
We’ll give you free vegetables, Mr. Talby. You’re the best mayor ever.
JANKO TALBY
Thank you, Fidja. I try.
POPPKA TALBY
Look! The rain’s dried up! And we’re still holding these stupid rocks.
BEEJA TALBY
Throw away your stone, Janko.
JANKO TALBY
But it’s getting cloudy. I think it’s going to rain again.
BEEJA TALBY
You’re the leader; you must set an example.
JANKO TALBY
Oh very well.
(He drops his stone.)
JANKO TALBY
There!
POPPKA TALBY
We don’t need these silly stones.
(She drops her stone.)
HAMFIST BLUNT We never did.
(He drops his stone.)
TARMA BLUNT
I didn’t believe in the stones in the first place. I just pretended to.
(She drops her stone.)
BEEJA TALBY
That old woman was a superb trickster, I’ll give her that much.
(She drops her stone.)
BRAGGY NOXIT
Get rid of your stone, Fidja. It’s nothing more than a nasty memory of that horrid old woman.
(She drops her stone.)
FIDJA NOXIT
Yeuchh! I hate this stone!
(She drops her stone.)
ROSE-LISA
It’s starting to rain. Are you sure you don’t want your stones?
BEEJA TALBY
We grown-ups know what’s best dear.
TARMA BLUNT
A child like you couldn’t possibly grasp the complexity of the adult mind.
HAMFIST BLUNT
Ah, how refreshing! Nice cool drops of rain!
BRAGGY NOXIT
Washing away all the nastiness of that old woman.
POPPKA TALBY
Mummy, my stomach, it hurts.
BEEJA TALBY
Probably from too many sweet cakes and candies, darling. Oh, I just had a little twinge myself! OH! Janko, I’ve got a little pain….OHHHH! JANKO, HELP ME!
JANKO TALBY
Help yourself! My STOMACH! OWWWW! I must retrieve my stone!
(He tries to pick up his stone, but collapses. The OTHERS are groaning with pain and collapsing, all except ROSE-LISA. Soon, everyone but ROSE-LISA is dead. ZEDEBA enters with a sack.)
ZEDEBA
You have done well, Rose-Lisa.
ROSE-LISA
I only tried to do what was right.
ZEDEBA
Yes, my dear. That is all you ever have to do in this world.
ROSE-LISA
My stone is here in my pocket.
(She takes it out and looks at it.)
ROSE-LISA
Was it wrong to lie and pretend it was gone?
ZEDEBA
No, dear. You had to play your little game so the village could meet its destiny.
ROSE-LISA
Destiny?
ZEDEBA
Yes. Those who were meant to live are safely gone from the village. And those who were meant to die……well, here they lie.
ROSE-LISA
What will become of the village now?
ZEDEBA
The forest will soon swallow it up. It is a place that can no longer exist.
ROSE-LISA
What will become of me?
ZEDEBA
Of you? Why, my dear, you have passed a difficult test.
(showing her the sack)
Here is the treasure from the church. You’re going to need it.
ROSE-LISA
Why?
ZEDEBA
If we use the treasure wisely, you will become the next Queen of the Kingdom and I shall be your minister.
ROSE-LISA
The next Queen? But I’m an orphan, a nobody.
ZEDEBA
No one is a nobody, Rose-Lisa. You were always a princess, though you didn’t have a kingdom. And soon you shall have one, Queen Rose-Lisa.
(ZEDEBA kneels before ROSE-LISA, who looks at her stone as the
lights fade.)
END OF PLAY