Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2003
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 45 minutes.
• style: satire
• suitable for general audiences
• 26 characters (17 female, 9 male)
• black-box staging (no set required)
Special recommendations for this production:
• To create Devon’s “bulges”, have your actor wear stretchy clothing. While offstage, he can insert partly-inflated balloons under the clothing. At the end of the play, as the actor writhes under the blanket, he can eliminate the “bulges” by popping the balloons with a pin.
• As Devon and Mavis walk on-the-spot in the early scenes, you can create a suitable atmosphere by playing “elevator music” in the background.
• This play calls for a performance style that’s best described as “awkwardness” in speech and physicality, thus demonstrating the low confidence and high anxiety of the characters. Only the Doxbottles are comfortable in their skins.
Summary of Script Content:
• “Bulge” is a suburban satire about a boy who must give a speech at his high school, and who grows strange bulges all over his body as he makes his way to school on the morning of the speech day.
(This play was first performed in January, 2003, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
Go to:
Act One, Scene 1
Act One, Scene 2
Act One, Scene 3
Act One, Scene 4
Act One, Scene 5
Act One, Scene 6
Act One, Scene 7
Act One, Scene 8
Act One, Scene 9
Act One, Scene 10
Act One, Scene 11
Act One, Scene 12
Act One, Scene 13
Act One, Scene 14
Act One, Scene 15
Act Two, Scene 1
Act Two, Scene 2
Act Two, Scene 3
Act Two, Scene 4
Act Two, Scene 5
Act Two, Scene 6
Act Two, Scene 7
Act Two, Scene 8
Act Two, Scene 9
Act Two, Scene 10
Act Two, Scene 11
Act Two, Scene 12
Act Two, Scene 13
Act Two, Scene 14
Act Two, Scene 15
Act Two, Scene 16
Act Two, Scene 17
Act Two, Scene 18
Characters:
Devon Kilpatrick, a boy who progressively bulges
Stan Kilpatrick, his father
Geraldine Kilpatrick, his mother
Mavis Kilpatrick, his younger sister
Bandy Gopupper, cheer and dance team member at John Hart Secondary
Gardenia Relish, cheer and dance team member at John Hart Secondary
Roxy Hammer, cheer and dance team member at John Hart Secondary
Mr. Gunther Curly, principal, John Hart Secondary School
Ms. Phyllis Priddy, English teacher, J. Hart Secondary School
Mr. Ted Gross, physical education instructor, John Hart Secondary
Ms. Nora Larva, science teacher, John Hart Secondary
Conrad Bukowsky, custodian, John Hart Secondary School
Louise Bolt, assistant manager of Okie-Dokie Mart
Bennysoto Doxbottle, a magus
Velma Doxbottle, Bennysoto’s wife, a nurse
Yoyo Doxbottle, Bennysoto’s little girl
Sonya Christensen, a popular student at John Hart Secondary
Bobbi Biped, Sonia’s best friend
Dolores Offenbach, Sonia’s other best friend
Lulu Tuttle, a student at John Hart Secondary
Nonny Bunter, a student at John Hart Secondary
Daria Strelnikova, a Russian exchange student at John Hart Secondary
Nat Torrance, a student at John Hart Secondary
Randy Meyers, a student at John Hart Secondary
Toland Gurney, Devon Kilpatrick’s best friend
Dr. Norman Cranbrook, the family doctor of the Kilpatricks
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 1:
(The Kilpatrick home. Wednesday morning in September. STAN, GERALDINE, and MAVIS have just finished breakfast.)
STAN KILPATRICK
(lying)
Great breakfast, Honey.
(checking his watch)
What’s keeping Devon? He should be down by now.
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
He’s finishing his speech.
MAVIS KILPATRICK
(making her Dad anxious)
He’s got to talk to the whole school, Dad.
STAN KILPATRICK
Gerry, the boy should eat a proper breakfast.
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
I know, Stanny, but he didn’t want any. He must be nervous.
MAVIS KILPATRICK
I’d throw up if it was me.
(DEVON KILPATRICK enters.)
DEVON KILPATRICK
Sorry I’m late. Had to polish my speech.
STAN KILPATRICK
Feeling nervous, Devon?
DEVON KILPATRICK
Kind of. But it’s a funny speech.
MAVIS KILPATRICK
Kids always vote for the one who’s funniest.
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
Devon’s funny.
STAN KILPATRICK
You bet he is. Remember what he did to your dolly, Mavis?
DEVON KILPATRICK
(not wanting to go there)
Dad, I don’t think…
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
(interrupting)
Let’s not spoil breakfast.
MAVIS KILPATRICK
Devon didn’t eat any.
DEVON KILPATRICK
(wanting to please)
I’ll get a danish and mocha java at the caf.
STAN KILPATRICK
Mocha java? They sell coffee to kids?
MAVIS KILPATRICK
Devon drinks tons.
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
It’s a special day. Devon needs a treat.
STAN KILPATRICK
Give ‘em hell son.
DEVON KILPATRICK
You bet, Dad. Come on, Mavis, we’ll miss the bus.
(He and Mavis exit.)
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
He really wants to win that election.
STAN KILPATRICK
And he’s got the right stuff to win it.
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
And if he doesn’t?
STAN KILPATRICK
Gerry, please try to be positive.
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
He’s only sixteen, Stanny.
STAN KILPATRICK
(ready to explode with anxiety and repressed rage)
I was a man at sixteen, working a jackhammer, smashing up asphalt…
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
I know, Stanny, I know.
(consulting her watch)
Goodness, look at the time!
STAN KILPATRICK
Damned commute. Freaking gridlock every freaking day.
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
Perhaps if you select an easy-listening station…light pop or soft rock favourites….
STAN KILPATRICK
Gimme the golden oldies anyday.
(They exit.)
End of Act One, Scene 1.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 2:
(A hallway in John Hart Secondary hallway. BANDY GOPUPPER, GARDENIA RELISH, and ROXY HAMMER enter.)
BANDY GOPUPPER
We’re gonna make the provincials this year.
GARDENIA RELISH
I don’t know, Bandy…my legs…
ROXY HAMMER
I won’t drop you this year, Gardo.
GARDENIA RELISH
Promise?
ROXY HAMMER
Hey, I’m not God.
BANDY GOPUPPER
Mr. Curly says we’re gonna get new outfits…red and white.
GARDENIA RELISH
White’s okay, but red? They better not be skin-tight.
ROXY HAMMER
Tight’s all right. It’s cheer and dance, Gardo…the crowds likes it tight.
BANDY GOPUPPER
Skimpy’s good too. Skimpy and skin gets the gold. Who you gonna vote for stud council?
GARDENIA RELISH
Devon Kilpatrick for prez.
ROXY HAMMER
Yah, for prez for sure. He’s funny.
BANDY GOPUPPER
It’s gonna be a fun year.
GARDENIA RELISH
It better be.
ROXY HAMMER
We need more dances and that.
BANDY GOPUPPER
Devon will get us dances.
GARDENIA RELISH
Last year the stupids spent our money on those sick kids in some dumb place.
ROXY HAMMER
Yah, it was a good cause and that, but we got a right to have fun too.
BANDY GOPUPPER
C’mon to the gym. The speeches are gonna start.
(They exit.)
End of Act One, Scene 2.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 3:
(The Street. DEVON and MAVIS enter and sit as though on a bus. DEVON has bulge on his left shoulder.)
DEVON KILPATRICK
I need a car. Riding this bus is a waste of time.
MAVIS KILPATRICK
The bus driver looked at you funny.
DEVON KILPATRICK
Did he?
MAVIS KILPATRICK
You’re funny, Devon.
DEVON KILPATRICK
I don’t feel funny.
MAVIS KILPATRICK
You should.
DEVON KILPATRICK
I don’t want to ride. Let’s walk.
MAVIS KILPATRICK
Whatever.
(They get off the bus and exit.)
End of Act One, Scene 3.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 4:
(A hallway at John Hart Secondary. SONIA CHRISTENSEN, BOBBI BIPED, and DOLORES OFFENBACH enter.)
BOBBI BIPED
Devon’s gonna make a great speech.
DOLORES OFFENBACH
He’s funny.
SONIA CHRISTENSEN
Devon says if he wins he’s gonna take me to Bonelli’s to celebrate.
BOBBI BIPED
It’s expensive.
DOLORES OFFENBACH
They serve minors. Meghan Tok got hammered and threw up her lasagna.
SONIA CHRISTENSEN
Devon doesn’t drink.
DOLORES OFFENBACH
I never said he did.
BOBBI BIPED
If Devon wins, get him to make the principal give us a slave day.
SONIA CHRISTENSEN
What?
DOLORES OFFENBACH
A slave day. Girls can buy guys for a day and do anything they want to them.
BOBBI BIPED
That’d be so much fun. I wanna buy Greg Bunch.
DOLORES OFFENBACH
Yeah! We can share him. Did you see him in those shorts?
(Snorting laughter from all.)
SONIA CHRISTENSEN
I’ll ask Devon. Do I look okay?
BOBBI BIPED
Great.
DOLORES OFFENBACH
Are you really gonna stand beside Devon?
SONIA CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, like what’s her name…Barak Obama’s wife.
BOBBI BIPED
That’ll be so funny.
DOLORES OFFENBACH
This is gonna be a fun year.
SONIA CHRISTENSEN
Yeah. Like, next year is grad and all, but this year rules ‘cause there’s no government exams.
BOBBI BIPED
I never want to grad. School’s the best.
DOLORES OFFENBACH
Let’s go to the can.
(They exit.)
End of Act One, Scene 4.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 5:
(The Street. DEVON and MAVIS enter, walking on the spot facing the audience, as though walking towards John Hart Secondary.. DEVON now has two bulges. The second bulge is on his right upper arm.)
MAVIS KILPATRICK
We’re gonna be late.
DEVON KILPATRICK
The speeches don’t start until second block.
MAVIS KILPATRICK
You okay, Devon?
DEVON KILPATRICK
Quit asking me if I’m okay.
MAVIS KILPATRICK
Is your speech really funny?
DEVON KILPATRICK
I don’t know. Stop bugging me.
MAVIS KILPATRICK
Just trying to be friendly.
(They exit.)
End of Act One, Scene 5.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 6:
(John Hart Secondary hallway. AT RISE: LULU TUTTLE and NONNY BUNTER enter.)
LULU TUTTLE
Are you gonna watch the speeches, Nonny?
NONNY BUNTER
Got to for English, Lulu. Ms. Priddy says to write a paragraph on the best one.
LULU TUTTLE
I guess I better go.
NONNY BUNTER
The best ones are funny.
LULU TUTTLE
Are they?
NONNY BUNTER
The popular people are funny and that.
LULU TUTTLE
I never laughed last year.
NONNY BUNTER
Even when Freddy Clipper came out in his boxers and a shaved head?
LULU TUTTLE
A boy shouldn’t put cooking oil on his skin, Nonny.
NONNY BUNTER
The principal got mad.
LULU TUTTLE
I never laughed.
(DARIA STRELNIKOVA enters.)
DARIA STRELNIKOVA
Excuse please. Where is gym?
NONNY BUNTER
We’re going there.
DARIA STRELNIKOVA
Perhaps I can walk behind you. Then I can find gym.
LULU TUTTLE
You don’t have to walk behind. You can walk beside if you want.
DARIA STRELNIKOVA
I prefer to walk beside. I am Daria Strelnikova. I am not afraid of anything.
NONNY BUNTER
Are you new?
DARIA STRELNIKOVA
I am exchange student from Russia. I am not afraid of anything.
LULU TUTTLE
You look sort of scared.
DARIA STRELNIKOVA
Is hard. Is first day. Ya ne zadarov…(I am not well)…Ya ne panimayu vas! (I don’t understand you)…Ya bla-go-da-ren sud’-be, chto pas-la-la mne te-bya!!! (I thank my destiny for sending you to me)
NONNY BUNTER
What?
LULU TUTTLE
Is that Russian? It sounds like a pretty song.
DARIA STRELNIKOVA
Is Russian…I want maybe a boyfriend.
LULU TUTTLE
On your first day?
NONNY BUNTER
Good luck.
LULU TUTTLE
Come with us and watch the speeches. There’s boys in the gym, I guess.
(They exit.)
End of Act One, Scene 6.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 7:
(GERALDINE KILPATRICK’S office. GERALDINE KILPATRICK enters. She is working on some papers. She talks on her cell phone.)
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
Mr. Groper? It’s Geraldine Kilpatrick. Yah. Yah. Yah. Yah, yah, yah. 3,000 square feet and a jacuzzi. Yah. A view of the inlet. Yah. It’s a steal at two and a half.
(STAN KILPATRICK enters and watches her. She is put off by his appearance and glares at him.)
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
Yah. If you like it, I suggest offering two and a quarter. Yah. I’ll pick you up and drive you out there in an hour. Great.
(puts phone away)
Stanny, what are you doing here?
STAN KILPATRICK
I was driving to the office and I couldn’t get Devon out of my head.
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
Devon?
STAN KILPATRICK
The kid’s gonna make a big speech.
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
It’s just student council, Stanny.
STAN KILPATRICK
I think we should go watch him speak, Gerry.
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
I’m meeting a client in an hour.
STAN KILPATRICK
We should go watch him.
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
He’d be embarrassed.
STAN KILPATRICK
When I was sixteen…
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
….you smashed ashpalt with a jackhammer.
STAN KILPATRICK
That’s right. Can you keep a secret?
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
I’m your wife, Stanny, for better or worse.
STAN KILPATRICK
High school was way worse than smashing asphalt.
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
Worse than…
STAN KILPATRICK
Way worse. That’s why I quit and went to work.
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
I thought high school was fun.
STAN KILPATRICK
No offense, Gerry, but you were too busy playing sports to notice.
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
So now you’re worried about Devon.
STAN KILPATRICK
Our boy needs us, Geraldine. They’ll eat him alive if he isn’t funny.
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
I’ll cancel with my client.
STAN KILPATRICK
I hope we can make it in time.
(They exit.)
End of Act One, Scene 7.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 8:
(The Street. MAVIS and DEVON KILPATRICK enter, still walking to school. In addition to his two other bulges, Devon has a big bulge on his left thigh.)
DEVON KILPATRICK
The school’s further away than I thought.
MAVIS KILPATRICK
No it’s not.
DEVON KILPATRICK
Haven’t we walked past here already?
MAVIS KILPATRICK
Everything looks the same in the suburbs.
DEVON KILPATRICK
I hope my speech is funny enough.
MAVIS KILPATRICK
It better be.
DEVON KILPATRICK
Everyone wants me to be funny.
(They exit.)
End of Scene 8.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 9:
(John Hart Secondary hallway. NAT TORRANCE and RANDY MEYERS enter from opposite sides.)
RANDY MEYERS
Hey Natty, you going to the speeches?
NAT TORRANCE
Shut up Randy.
RANDY MEYERS
What?
NAT TORRANCE
The name is Nat, not “Natty”.
RANDY MEYERS
Natty the Fatty.
NAT TORRANCE
Randy the Candy.
RANDY MEYERS
Shut up.
NAT TORRANCE
No, you shut up.
RANDY MEYERS
No, you shut up.
NAT TORRANCE
Pecker brain.
RANDY MEYERS
You going to the speeches?
NAT TORRANCE
Gotta. They check.
RANDY MEYERS
Guess I gotta.
NAT TORRANCE
Devon’s gonna be funny.
RANDY MEYERS
He’s funny.
NAT TORRANCE
He’s got Sonia, lucky bastard.
RANDY MEYERS
Hot.
NAT TORRANCE
So hot.
RANDY MEYERS
Gonna vote Devon for Prez.
NAT TORRANCE
Wanna have a fun year.
RANDY MEYERS
You got a…
NAT TORRANCE
What?
RANDY MEYERS
You got a…
NAT TORRANCE
What what?
RANDY MEYERS
Thing…
NAT TORRANCE
Thing? Thing?
RANDY MEYERS
Up your nose….
NAT TORRANCE
Oh.
(He rubs his nose. CONRAD BUKOWSKY enters.)
RANDY MEYERS
Hey, Mr. Bukowsky, Natty threw a booger on the floor.
NAT TORRANCE
Shut up, Randy.
CONRAD BUKOWSKY
Booger? What is booger?
RANDY MEYERS
A big green lump from out of his nose.
NAT TORRANCE
Shut up, you dork.
CONRAD BUKOWSKY
(to Nat)
You make trouble for Mr. Bukowsky?
NAT TORRANCE
No.
(indicating the snickering Randy)
He makes trouble!
CONRAD BUKOWSKY
(to Randy)
You think it is funny?
RANDY MEYERS
Hey, hey, Mr. Bukowsky…hey, just kidding….
CONRAD BUKOWSKY
You make fun of Mr. Bukowsky?
RANDY MEYERS
Hey, hey, now….Can’t you take a joke?
CONRAD BUKOWSKY
Perhaps I will tell principal. Then we will see who is laughing.
(CONRAD exits.)
NAT TORRANCE
If Devon wins, he should make a big party for Mr. Bukowsky.
RANDY MEYERS
Yeah, yeah, and give him a giant box of condoms…
NAT TORRANCE
Yeah, yeah, with a note saying they’re for his mop handle so his hands won’t get dirty!
RANDY MEYERS
(after much juvenile snorting and laughing)
Beat you to the gym.
NAT TORRANCE
Shut up.
(They run off.)
End of Scene Act One, Scene 9.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 10:
(The Street. Devon and Mavis enter, still walking. Devon now has yet another bulge, on his right thigh.)
MAVIS KILPATRICK
Why did you pick Sonia, Devon?
DEVON KILPATRICK
What do you mean “pick”, Mavis? She’s not fruit on a tree.
MAVIS KILPATRICK
I mean as your girlfriend.
DEVON KILPATRICK
None of your business.
MAVIS KILPATRICK
Is it because she’s popular and pretty?
DEVON KILPATRICK
I said none of your business.
MAVIS KILPATRICK
You sure are touchy today.
(They exit.)
End of Act One, Scene 10.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 11:
(The local Okie Dokie Mart. TOLAND GURNEY enters with LOUISE BOLT.)
LOUISE BOLT
Thanks for coming in this morning, Toland.
TOLAND GURNEY
No problem, Mrs. Bolt.
LOUISE BOLT
Okie-Dokie Mart appreciates loyalty.
TOLAND GURNEY
Can I go now, Mrs. Bolt?
LOUISE BOLT
What’s the rush?
TOLAND GURNEY
I want to watch the speeches.
LOUISE BOLT
Speeches?
TOLAND GURNEY
Yeah, at the school. Devon’s running for prez.
LOUISE BOLT
Is that right.
TOLAND GURNEY
He’s my best friend, so I wanna support him.
LOUISE BOLT
He’s funny.
TOLAND GURNEY
Yeah.
LOUISE BOLT
He makes the customers laugh.
TOLAND GURNEY
Can I go now?
LOUISE BOLT
Are you lonely, Toland?
TOLAND GURNEY
What?
LOUISE BOLT
They kicked you out of that school.
TOLAND GURNEY
I…I made some mistakes.
LOUISE BOLT
But you’re doing good here at Okie-Dokie Mart.
TOLAND GURNEY
I guess.
LOUISE BOLT
You look tense.
TOLAND GURNEY
I do?
LOUISE BOLT
You sure you wanna go to those speeches?
TOLAND GURNEY
Yeah. Please can I go? I’ll be late.
LOUISE BOLT
Go on then, damn your hide.
(She rumples his hair and he exits.)
He’s a helluva nice kid. It’s always the nice ones that get hurt.
(She exits.)
End of Act One, Scene 11.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 12:
(The Street. DEVON and MAVIS enter, still walking. DEVON now has a large bulge on his back.)
DEVON KILPATRICK
Mavis, can you keep a secret.
MAVIS KILPATRICK
No.
DEVON KILPATRICK
Come on. I need to tell you something.
MAVIS KILPATRICK
I can’t keep secrets, Devon.
DEVON KILPATRICK
Please, Mavis.
MAVIS KILPATRICK
No, Devon.
DEVON KILPATRICK
When are we going to get to that freaking school?
(They exit.)
End of Act One, Scene 12.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 13:
(John Hart Secondary hallway. MS. PRIDDY and MS. LARVA enter from opposite sides.)
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
Nora! Aren’t you going to the speeches?
MS. NORA LARVA
Whoops. Caught in the act!
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
I’d rather not go too.
MS. NORA LARVA
It’s going to be an animal show.
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
I’m making my kids write paragraphs.
MS. NORA LARVA
What on?
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
The best speech.
MS. NORA LARVA
Maybe they’ll think for once.
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
Thinking’s gone out of style.
MS. NORA LARVA
I like your hair.
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
Thanks. I had it done at Raymondo’s.
MS. NORA LARVA
Raymondo’s good with his hands.
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
He’s funny too, I think.
MS. NORA LARVA
Hard to tell. He has no English.
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
(primping hair)
I asked for the works and I got it.
MS. NORA LARVA
It shows.
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
While he gave me the works, he kept jabbering in Italian.
MS. NORA LARVA
I bet the other hairdressers laughed. They always do.
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
That’s why I think he’s funny.
MS. NORA LARVA
He has no English.
(MR. GROSS enters.)
MR. TED GROSS
The speeches are gonna start, ladies.
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
We’re on our way, Ted.
MS. NORA LARVA
Sorry we have to use the gym, Ted.
MR. TED GROSS
It costs thousands to do that floor…
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
We’re sorry, Ted.
MR. TED GROSS
I asked for the works and I got it.
MS. NORA LARVA
So did Phyllis. Her hair.
MR. TED GROSS
Then they let kids go in there in their street shoes.
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
We’re sorry, Ted.
MR. TED GROSS
Only good thing is that kid, the funny one.
MS. NORA LARVA
Devon Kilpatrick.
MS. NORA LARVA
He’s funny, all right.
(MR. CURLY enters.)
MR. GUNTHER CURLY
Not in the gym yet?
MR. TED GROSS
On our way, Mr. Curly.
MR. GUNTHER CURLY
We need staff support.
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
Absolutely, Mr. Curly.
MS. NORA LARVA
We’re on our way.
MR. GUNTHER CURLY
The kids are wired.
MR. TED GROSS
The gym floor, Mr. Curly…
MR. GUNTHER CURLY
Sorry, Ted. It’s got to be done. No place else to do it.
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
How’s your wife, Mr. Curly?
MR. GUNTHER CURLY
Worse. Doesn’t even go shopping now. But that’s neither here nor there.
MS. NORA LARVA
MS. Priddy got a new do for the occasion.
MR. GUNTHER CURLY
Looking good, Ms. Priddy. You set the tone.
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
I recommend Raymondo for the grads.
MS. NORA LARVA
Raymondo could do the grads!
MR. GUNTHER CURLY
If he could do them all for a discount, he might kick back cash for the no-drug bash.
MR. TED GROSS
Thinking all the time, Mr. Curly.
MR. GUNTHER CURLY
On top of my game, Mr. Gross, on top of my game.
(They exit.)
End of Act One, Scene 13.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 14:
(The Street. MAVIS and DEVON enter, still walking. DEVON now has a bulge on his left calf.)
DEVON KILPATRICK
I shouldn’t have got off the bus.
MAVIS KILPATRICK
It’s not much further.
DEVON KILPATRICK
I don’t think my speech is funny enough.
MAVIS KILPATRICK
You’re being a wimp, Devon.
DEVON KILPATRICK
Everyone wants me to be funny.
MAVIS KILPATRICK
So be funny.
DEVON KILPATRICK
Is that the school on the horizon?
(They exit.)
End of Act One, Scene 14.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 15:
(DOCTOR CRANBROOK’S office. DOCTOR CRANBROOK enters with NURSE DOXBOTTLE.)
NURSE DOXBOTTLE
Here are the files on Devon Kilpatrick, Dr. Cranbrook.
DR. NORMAN CRANBROOK
Thankyou, Nurse Doxbottle. I have already seen them.
NURSE DOXBOTTLE
But how?
DR. NORMAN CRANBROOK
No buts, Nurse. No ifs or ands either.
NURSE DOXBOTTLE
They’re just conjunctions.
DR. NORMAN CRANBROOK
Conjunctions can do a world of damage, Nurse, a world of damage.
NURSE DOXBOTTLE
What do you make of Devon’s test results?
DR. NORMAN CRANBROOK
There’s something funny going on.
NURSE DOXBOTTLE
That’s what I thought. Something funny.
DR. NORMAN CRANBROOK
Your husband is a magus, is he not?
NURSE DOXBOTTLE
A magus, yes. A magus. A man of magic.
DR. NORMAN CRANBROOK
Knock knock.
NURSE DOXBOTTLE
Who’s there?
DR. NORMAN CRANBROOK
Magus.
NURSE DOXBOTTLE
Magus who?
DR. NORMAN CRANBROOK
Magus laugh and we’ll all feel better.
NURSE DOXBOTTLE
All right. These two students go into a gymnasium.
DR. NORMAN CRANBROOK
Uh huh.
NURSE DOXBOTTLE
One of them says, “I got to make a speech.”
DR. NORMAN CRANBROOK
Uh huh.
NURSE DOXBOTTLE
The other says, “It better be funny.”
DR. NORMAN CRANBROOK
Uh huh.
NURSE DOXBOTTLE
So the first one says, “Knock knock”.
DR. NORMAN CRANBROOK
Who’s there?
NURSE DOXBOTTLE
Magus.
DR. NORMAN CRANBROOK
Magus who?
NURSE DOXBOTTLE
Magus laugh and we’ll all feel better.
(BENNYSOTO DOXBOTTLE enters with YOYO DOXBOTTLE. They are wearing
exotic apparel and makeup, like colourful birds on a tropical island.)
BENNYSOTO DOXBOTTLE
Sorry to interrupt. I’m double parked, Velma.
NURSE DOXBOTTLE
Dr. Cranbrook, this is my magus husband Bennysoto and my daughter Yoyo.
DR. NORMAN CRANBROOK
I’m pleased to meet a magus.
YOYO DOXBOTTLE
I’m a magus too.
BENNYSOTO DOXBOTTLE
Velma’s not a magus.
NURSE DOXBOTTLE
Two magi in one family are enough.
YOYO DOXBOTTLE
Those files look funny, Mummy.
NURSE DOXBOTTLE
They’re confidential, Yoyo.
(BENNYSOTO DOXBOTTLE does a strange dance. NURSE DOXBOTTLE and DR. CRANBROOK freeze. YOYO takes the files from her mother and hands them to BENNYSOTO. He peruses them.)
BENNYSOTO DOXBOTTLE
Hmmm. Devon Kilpatrick’s got something funny going on.
(He hands the files back to YOYO, who puts them back in her mother’s hands. BENNYSOTO resumes his dance until DR. CRANBROOK and NURSE DOXBOTTLE come back to life.)
BENNYSOTO DOXBOTTLE
We must respect confidentiality, Yoyo.
YOYO DOXBOTTLE
Oui, oui, father, oui, oui. Quand vous avez dit “Yoyo”, vous avez tout dit!
NURSE DOXBOTTLE
French immersion.
DR. NORMAN CRANBROOK
Good for you, Yoyo.
YOYO DOXBOTTLE
Je frappe. Je frappe.
NURSE DOXBOTTLE
Qui est la-bas?
YOYO DOXBOTTLE
Magus.
BENNYSOTO DOXBOTTLE
Magus qui? Quel est votre nom de famille?
YOYO DOXBOTTLE
Magus rit et nous ferons tout sens mieux!
(They all laugh merrily.)
BENNYSOTO DOXBOTTLE
Très bon, ma petite enfant! Now, there’s much to do.
NURSE DOXBOTTLE
He’s double parked.
DR. NORMAN CRANBROOK
I understand.
(NURSE DOXBOTTLE hands the files to DR. CRANBROOK, and the DOXBOTTLES exit. DR. CRANBROOK opens the files.)
DR. NORMAN CRANBROOK
There’s something funny going on with Devon Kilpatrick.
(He exits.)
End of Act One, Scene 15.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 1:
(Outside John Hart Secondary. SONIA CHRISTENSEN enters. She looks at her watch and paces back and forth for a time, then looks off left and sees Devon in the distance.)
SONIA CHRISTENSEN
Devon! Devon! Hurry! You’re late!
DEVON KILPATRICK
(from offstage)
Sonia? Sonia? Is that you?
SONIA CHRISTENSEN
Yes, it’s me! Hurry, Devon…everyone’s going to the gym right now!
DEVON KILPATRICK
(from offstage)
Sonia, Sonia….I can’t seem to get any closer to you!
SONIA CHRISTENSEN
Hurry, Devon! They’re waiting for your speech!
MAVIS KILPATRICK
(from offstage)
Devon’s going as fast as he can, Sonia!
SONIA CHRISTENSEN
Come on, Devon, get a move on.
DEVON KILPATRICK
(from offstage)
Oh, god, I can’t do it.
SONIA CHRISTENSEN
Devon, what are you talking about?
MAVIS KILPATRICK
(from offstage)
He’s wimping out, Sonia!
DEVON KILPATRICK
(from offstage)
I feel like I’m wading across a river of molten asphalt!
SONIA CHRISTENSEN
Devon Kilpatrick, you get your ass over here right now!
DEVON KILPATRICK
(from offstage)
I’m trying, Sonia…
SONIA CHRISTENSEN
Everyone’s waiting for you to be funny! Don’t make a fool of me, Devon! Oh, for god’s sake.
(She exits left.)
End of Act Two, Scene 1.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 2:
(DR. CRANBROOK’S office. DR. CRANBROOK enters and talks on his cell phone.)
DR. CRANBROOK
Hello? Could I speak to Barb Speck in the lab? Thanks. Barb? This is Norman Cranbrook. I got the file on Devon Kilpatrick. Could you fill me in? There was something funny about the urine sample? The bloodwork was funny too? That’s what I thought. Yes. You thought it was funny too? Thanks, Barb, you’re a helluva toxicologist.
(hanging up and dialing a number)
Bernice? Cancel my appointments. I’ve got to go to John Hart Secondary right away. Yes, I know I don’t make housecalls, but there’s something very funny going on with the Kilpatrick boy. Yes. Thanks, Bernice.
(He hangs up and hurries off.)
End of Act Two, Scene 2.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 3:
(On the Street. BENNYSOTO DOXBOTTLE, VELMA, and YOYO come jogging onstage and jog on the spot facing the audience, as though running towards John Hart Secondary.)
VELMA DOXBOTTLE
Too bad they towed the Mazda, Bennysoto.
BENNYSOTO DOXBOTTLE
It’s good to run, Velma.
YOYO DOXBOTTLE
Wheeeeeeeeeee! I can run faster than an ostrich!
VELMA DOXBOTTLE
Why must we go to John Hart Secondary, Bennysoto?
BENNYSOTO DOXBOTTLE
(as they veer slightly to the left as if negotiating a curve)
Something funny’s going on there.
YOYO DOXBOTTLE
I wish we were running on lovely green turf instead of this sticky black asphalt.
VELMA DOXBOTTLE
Let’s call a taxi on the cell.
BENNYSOTO DOXBOTTLE
(as they veer slightly to the right)
A magus cannot ride in a taxi on an errand of mercy.
YOYO DOXBOTTLE
We must hurry, Daddy Doxbottle…Devon needs us.
BENNYSOTO DOXBOTTLE
Yes, Yoyo…hurry, we must hurry.
(They pick up speed as they veer back to the centre.)
VELMA DOXBOTTLE
I feel as though I’m hurtling through space!
BENNYSOTO DOXBOTTLE
You are, my dear Velma! We are streaking across the cosmos like shooting stars!
YOYO DOXBOTTLE
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
(They exit jogging rapidly.)
End of Act Two, Scene 3.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 4:
(John Hart Secondary gym. CONRAD BUKOWSKI enters and sweeps for a bit, humming to himself.)
CONRAD BUKOWSKI
(singing)
a,b,c,d,e,f,g,
h,i,j,k,
l,m,n,o,p,
q,r,s,
t,u,v,
w,x,
y and z.
Happy, happy will I be
When I’ve learned my ABC’s.
(He stands to one side and leans on his broom.)
End of Act Two, Scene 4.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 5:
(The gym. BANDY GOPUPPER, GARDENIA RELISH, and ROXY HAMMER enter.)
BANDY GOPUPPER
The gym stinks.
CONRAD BUKOWSKY
Gym does not stink. I clean every day with harsh chemicals.
GARDENIA RELISH
I hate sitting on the floor.
ROXY HAMMER
So stand at the back.
GARDENIA RELISH
My legs!
BANDY GOPUPPER
Are you gonna let us down this year, Gardo?
ROXY HAMMER
Maybe you should quit cheer and dance.
GARDENIA RELISH
Let’s not forget who dropped me.
ROXY HAMMER
You went off the trampoline at the wrong angle.
BANDY GOPUPPER
You went flying over Roxy’s head like a cannonball.
GARDENIA RELISH
You should have snagged me, Roxy.
ROXY HAMMER
You were way too high in the air.
BANDY GOPUPPER
She tried to jump and snag you.
ROXY HAMMER
I tried to snag you.
GARDENIA RELISH
Shut up. There’s Oliver Butternut!
BANDY GOPUPPER
Oh my god!
ROXY HAMMER
Could those pants be any tighter?
GARDENIA RELISH
And that red serge tunic is so retro-cool!
BANDY GOPUPPER
He looks like he should be guarding a cannon on the banks of the St. Lawrence!
GARDENIA RELISH
He’s looking, he’s looking!
BANDY GOPUPPER
Oh my god! Oh my god! See his eyes, all icy blue like a frozen man!
ROXY HAMMER
Don’t look back! Don’t look back!
GARDENIA RELISH
I bet you’d like to cuddle with him under a blanket in your father’s study, Roxy!
ROXY HAMMER
I live with my Mom in a one bedroom condo.
GARDENIA RELISH
Oh yeah.
BANDY GOPUPPER
Wrong angle again, Gardo.
(They sit.)
End of Act Two, Scene 5.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 6:
(The gym. BOBBI BIPED and DOLORES OFFENBACH enter.)
BOBBI BIPED
The gym stinks.
CONRAD BUKOWSKY
Does not stink! I clean every day! I say you all stink!
DOLORES OFFENBACH
There’s those cheer and dance kids.
BOBBI BIPED
They’re so sweaty. I mean, everyone sweats and that, right? But they sweat the most.
DOLORES OFFENBACH
Yeah, when they’re jumping around.
BOBBI BIPED
Like dogs shaking off water. Yeuchh.
DOLORES OFFENBACH
Not to be mean or anything, but what’s the point of showing it off if you’re gonna sweat while you’re doing it?
BOBBI BIPED
I can’t believe Sonia’s gonna stand up there with Devon.
DOLORES OFFENBACH
She’s whipped.
BOBBI BIPED
She’d do anything for him. I mean it. Anything.
DOLORES OFFENBACH
Mostly it’s the guy who’s whipped.
BOBBI BIPED
If I had a guy, he’d be whipped.
DOLORES OFFENBACH
Not to be mean or anything, but Devon’s definitely got her whipped.
BOBBI BIPED
If I had a guy, he’d be so whipped.
DOLORES OFFENBACH
Did you do something to your makeup?
BOBBI BIPED
What?
DOLORES OFFENBACH
Did you change the colour of your lids?
BOBBI BIPED
No.
DOLORES OFFENBACH
Your eyes look more pushed back in your head.
BOBBI BIPED
Pushed back?
DOLORES OFFENBACH
Yeah, sort of like a monkey. It’s cute.
BOBBI BIPED
It’s probably just the light.
(They sit.)
End of Act Two, Scene 6.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 7:
(The gym. LULU TUTTLE, NONNY BUNTER, and DARIA STRELNIKOVA enter.)
DARIA STRELNIKOVA
This is big gymnasium.
NONNY BUNTER
Yeah, but it stinks.
CONRAD BUKOWSKY
Have you smelled yourself? You reek of Extra Zesty Doritos!
DARIA STRELNIKOVA
In Russia, we had only frozen clearing in forest. Ya inostranets i ya poteryalsya! (I am a stranger and I am lost.)
LULU TUTTLE
It must be hard to play sports in a frozen clearing.
DARIA STRELNIKOVA
(attempting a joke)
They make us play hockey with frozen donkey turd! Nyet, ne nuzhno! (No, I don’t need that!)
LULU TUTTLE
Donkeys are nice animals.
NONNY BUNTER
In Canada, they’re not allowed to make us play with donkey droppings.
DARIA STRELNIKOVA
Is good. Many boys are in gymnasium.
LULU TUTTLE
Half the students are boys.
DARIA STRELNIKOVA
I like that one over there. Ya khochu kushat. (I am hungry)
NONNY BUNTER
No, Daria. Some kids told me he’s got some kind of STD.
DARIA STRELNIKOVA
STD? What is STD? Is maybe expensive automobile?
NONNY BUNTER
No, Daria…it’s a disease.
DARIA STRELNIKOVA
How did poor boy get nasty disease?
LULU TUTTLE
Through intimate contact with another student’s impure bodily fluids.
NONNY BUNTER
Or maybe from an impure door knob.
DARIA STRELNIKOVA
Ya po nymyo. Ny ah dobreh. (I understand. It is bad) Perhaps that is why boy is scratching like dog with fleas.
NONNY BUNTER
Don’t stare, Daria.
LULU TUTTLE
Maybe Devon Kilpatrick will make him laugh and forget his troubles.
(They sit.)
End of Act Two, Scene 7.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 8:
(The gym. RANDY MEYERS and NAT TORRANCE enter.)
NAT TORRANCE
The gym stinks as usual.
CONRAD BUKOWSKY
Soon I will kill you, nasty boy.
RANDY MEYERS
I’m gonna sit near the cheer and dance chicks.
NAT TORRANCE
Yeah, right.
RANDY MEYERS
I am.
NAT TORRANCE
Do it, then.
RANDY MEYERS
Don’t push me.
NAT TORRANCE
Chicken. Buk buk buk.
RANDY MEYERS
You do it then.
NAT TORRANCE
I’m gonna.
RANDY MEYERS
Then do it.
NAT TORRANCE
Shut up. I’m gonna.
RANDY MEYERS
Rub your shoulder against one.
NAT TORRANCE
No. Rub one yourself.
RANDY MEYERS
Pretend it’s an accident.
NAT TORRANCE
I’ll do it if you do.
RANDY MEYERS
What, rub one?
NAT TORRANCE
No, dork face. Sit beside them.
RANDY MEYERS
You first.
NAT TORRANCE
Rejection, here I come.
(He crosses and sits beside GARDENIA RELISH. Nothing happens. Randy crosses and sits beside ROXY HAMMER. Nothing happens. RANDY rubs his shoulder against ROXY. ROXY punches him hard in the arm.)
ROXY HAMMER
Get away from me, you little geek.
(RANDY scampers away and sits by himself. NAT looks over at him and, flushed with success, raises his eyebrows. RANDY gives him the finger.)
End of Act Two, Scene 8.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 9:
(The gym. TOLAND GURNEY enters.)
RANDY MEYERS
Toland! Hey, Toland!
(TOLAND goes over to RANDY and sits with him.)
RANDY MEYERS
What are you doing here?
TOLAND GURNEY
I wanna watch Devon’s speech.
RANDY MEYERS
He’s funny.
TOLAND GURNEY
Yeah. The gym stinks worse then when I was here.
CONRAD BUKOWSKY
My heart is breaking.
RANDY MEYERS
Why’d they kick you out?
TOLAND GURNEY
Drugs.
RANDY MEYERS
Drugs?
TOLAND GURNEY
They said I was dealing.
RANDY MEYERS
No way.
TOLAND GURNEY
They said they had it on camera.
RANDY MEYERS
No way.
TOLAND GURNEY
My old man kicked me out.
RANDY MEYERS
Yeah?
TOLAND GURNEY
I’m staying at Rocky’s.
RANDY MEYERS
Rocky Burelli’s?
TOLAND GURNEY
Yeah.
RANDY MEYERS
Isn’t that some kind of party house for bikers?
TOLAND GURNEY
Yeah. I got a job at Okie-Dokie Mart.
RANDY MEYERS
The same place Devon works?
TOLAND GURNEY
He got me the job.
RANDY MEYERS
I got food poisoning from an Okie-Dokie burrito.
TOLAND GURNEY
You shouldn’t eat those things.
RANDY MEYERS
Tell me about it. Two days on the crapper.
End of Act Two, Scene 9.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 10:
(The gym. LOUISE BOLT enters and goes to TOLAND.)
TOLAND GURNEY
Mrs. Bolt, what are you doing here?
LOUISE BOLT
You looked hungry, Toland.
TOLAND GURNEY
Hungry?
LOUISE BOLT
I brought you an Okie-Dokie burrito.
TOLAND GURNEY
Oh. Thanks. Who’s watching the store?
LOUISE BOLT
Bernie.
RANDY MEYERS
Are you Toland’s boss?
LOUISE BOLT
I’m the assistant manager.
RANDY MEYERS
Toland’s forced to live with bikers.
LOUISE BOLT
Bikers?
TOLAND GURNEY
It’s not so bad. I got a mattress in a closet.
LOUISE BOLT
Toland, I don’t think a mattress…
TOLAND GURNEY
Let it be, Mrs. Bolt.
LOUISE BOLT
Toland, I know you’re hurting.
TOLAND GURNEY
It’s not so bad. My mom gets out of jail next year.
LOUISE BOLT
Jail!
TOLAND GURNEY
When she gets out we’re gonna squat together.
LOUISE BOLT
Squat? Like in a tent?
TOLAND GURNEY
Or maybe a tarp. They’re cheaper.
LOUISE BOLT
Toland, a boy your age shouldn’t have to squat.
TOLAND GURNEY
I don’t mind squatting.
LOUISE BOLT
No one should have to squat.
TOLAND GURNEY
Lots of people squat.
LOUISE BOLT
That doesn’t make squatting okay.
RANDY MEYERS
I don’t mean to be rude, but Toland will be squatting on the toilet if he eats that burrito.
LOUISE BOLT
That’s an Okie Dokie product. It’s approved for human consumption.
TOLAND GURNEY
I’ll eat it later. When I’m alone.
LOUISE BOLT
Yes. Well, while I’m here, I may as well watch the speeches.
(She sits with them.)
End of Act Two, Scene 10.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 11:
(The gym. MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY, MS. LARVA, and MR. GROSS enter.)
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
My students aren’t sitting together as a class.
MS. NORA LARVA
All they care about are their friends.
MR. TED GROSS
The floor’s scuffed, damn it.
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
The air is rank in here.
CONRAD BUKOWSKY
I clean and clean, and still you talk of stale sweat!
MS. NORA LARVA
Stale sweat, hormones, pheremones, and fear.
MR. TED GROSS
There’s only one good kind of sweat.
MS. NORA LARVA
And what kind of sweat is that, Mr. Gross?
MR. TED GROSS
The sweat that pours off a young body thrashing about on the gym floor.
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
Ted, you should choose your words with more care.
MR. TED GROSS
What did I say? Huh?
MS. NORA LARVA
I think Phyllis is upset by the phrase “thrashing about”, Ted.
MR. TED GROSS
Hey, I’m a jock, not a poet.
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
I wish Mr. Curly would get on with it.
MS. NORA LARVA
I dislike assemblies.
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
A waste of time.
MR. TED GROSS
A gym’s for jocks.
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
Once upon at time, in a gym, I was valedictorian for my grad class.
MR. TED GROSS
Did you give ‘em the old “future is in your hands” speech?
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
Yes. And now it’s the future and it’s in my hands and it smells like stale sweat.
MS. NORA LARVA
Here comes Mr. Curly.
End of Act Two, Scene 11.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 12:
(The gym. MR. GUNTHER CURLY enters and addresses the students and teachers.)
MR. GUNTHER CURLY
All right, all right, settle down. SETTLE DOWN. You there…the boy in the red hoody with the green hair…yes you…you…no, not the guy beside you…Don’t get smart with me, mister….OUT! OUT! And I mean RIGHT NOW! Go to the office and wait for me.
(There’s a pause as the bad boy exits, his exit traced by MR. CURLY’S eyes and echoed by the snickers of the students.)
MR. GUNTHER CURLY
Now, this is a very serious assembly. After the speeches, you will elect your new student council president. This is not a popularity contest. Listen carefully and vote intelligently. You get the leaders you deserve. First, let’s hear from Grade 12 student Courtney Spadina.
(The students cheer and whoop wildly and we hear MAVIS’S voice offstage, playing COURTNEY SPADINA.)
MAVIS KILPATRICK
(as COURTNEY SPADINA)
Remember Sesame Street when it was brought to you by the letter “C”?
(the students whoop)
Well, “C” stands for COURTNEY so vote for me!
(There is much whooping and cheering.)
BANDY GOPUPPER
She’s funny.
GARDENIA RELISH
Yeah. C stands for COURTNEY!
CONRAD BUKOWSKY
My name too begins with “C”…CONRAD!
ROXY HAMMER
“Remember Sesame Street”! That’s funny.
BOBBI BIPED
Brought to you by the letter “C” for “Cheesy”.
DOLORES OFFENBACH
Not to be mean or anything, but Sesame Street is retarded.
DARIA STRELNIKOVA
That girl had…how you say???…big zoobies?
NONNY BUNTER
Boobies.
LULU TUTTLE
Large mammary glands. Many of the boys will vote for her.
(NAT TORRANCE looks back at RANDY MEYERS, and indicates large breasts with his hands as he registers amazement on his face.)
RANDY MEYERS
How the hell can I be objective when I see something like that, Toland?
TOLAND GURNEY
I loved Sesame Street.
LOUISE BOLT
That’s the girl I fired last April for stealing lottery tickets.
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
What a shameless display!
MS. NORA LARVA
There should be a dress code.
MR. TED GROSS
Heck, she’s young and beautiful. Why not flaunt it?
MR. GUNTHER CURLY
Thankyou, Courtney.
End of Act Two, Scene 12.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 13:
(The gym. MR. CURLY introduces the next speaker.)
MR. GUNTHER CURLY
And now, we’ll hear from Grade Eleven student Burke Gowicki.
(We hear DEVON KILPATRICK from offstage as BURKE GOWICKI.)
DEVON KILPATRICK
(as BURKE GOWICKI)
Like, there should be a smoking pit in the library and a detox centre in Mr. Arfuzi’s socials class.
(laughter and whoops from the students and applause)
And like, vote for me, eh, because, like, I’m into fun and that. Like PARTY!
(More whoops from the students.)
MR. TED GROSS
What a useless slug of a boy!
MS. NORA LARVA
It was a mistake to let him run.
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
Making fun of poor Mr. Arfuzi who’s on stress leave.
TOLAND GURNEY
He’s a lot like the bikers at Rocky’s trailer.
RANDY MEYERS
We could use a detox centre, though.
LOUISE BOLT
It’s hard to believe a boy like that can make it to grade eleven.
NAT TORRANCE
That guy’s a joke, eh, Gardenia?
GARDENIA RELISH
Shut up, you loser.
ROXY HAMMER
That guy’s soooo funny. PARTY! Whoooooooo!
BANDY GOPUPPER
Too bad he looks like something pulled out of a bath drain.
CONRAD BUKOWSKY
That is same boy I find unconscious in hall last Tuesday.
LULU TUTTLE
I think that unfortunate boy may be suffering from brain damage.
NONNY BUNTER
I heard he’s got foetal alcohol syndrome.
DARIA STRELNIKOVA
In Russia we call boys like that “vodka babies”.
BOBBI BIPED
Didn’t you date that guy once, Dolores?
DOLORES OFFENBACH
Yeah, when he used to be cute and dumb. Now he’s just dumb.
MR. GUNTHER CURLY
Thank you, Burke, though I don’t think the board will allow a smoke pit in the library. Ha, ha.
End of Act Two, Scene 13.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 14:
(The gym. PRINCIPAL CURLY introduces JELLY KNEEDOBA.)
MR. GUNTHER CURLY
And now, grade twelve student Jelly Kneedoba will speak.
SONIA CHRISTENSEN
(playing JELLY KNEEDOBA from offstage)
Hey!
(students shout “Hey” back)
Hey!
(no one shouts)
Well, I just want to say I’m only running because my friend Becky made me?
(MAVIS shouts “You go, girl” from offstage)
Shut up, Becky!
(mild laughter)
I’m so nervous.
(students laugh nervously)
What goes “eek, eek, bang”?
(no response)
What goes “eek, eek, bang”?
(no response)
A mouse in a minefield!
(Light uncomfortable laughter. MAVIS, as BECKY, shouts, “Tell them the one about the duck and the dynamite!”)
JELLY KNEEDOBA
Shut up, Becky! Anyway, vote for me!
(Light applause and puzzled glances exchanged by the students and others.)
TOLAND GURNEY
That was just sad.
LOUISE BOLT
The poor kid. Her friends must have put her up to it.
RANDY MEYERS
I thought I was the king of bad taste.
NAT TORRANCE
Eek, eek, bang! Eek, eek, bang!
GARDENIA RELISH
(to Nat)
Get away from me, you creep. I mean it!
ROXY HAMMER
Does she even go to this school?
BANDY GOPUPPER
Her friends must have made her wear those pink Mickey Mouse ears.
BOBBI BIPED
What a fruitcake!
DOLORES OFFENBACH
Not to be mean or anything, but that was a dumb joke. What’s so funny about a minefield?
DARIA STRELNIKOVA
I think perhaps that girl needs psychiatric care.
LULU TUTTLE
Her little face looked like a frightened billy goat.
NONNY BUNTER
It’s sad the way she was twitching.
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
The school-based team should do a mental assessment on that girl.
MR. TED GROSS
I thought she was kind of cute.
MS. NORA LARVA
Shocking. We have sunk to an all time low here at John Hart Secondary.
CONRAD BUKOWSKY
In old country we call girls like that “little cabbage heads”.
MR. GUNTHER CURLY
Thankyou, Jelly. Landmines are no laughing matter, but you are perhaps too immature to understand that.
End of Act Two, Scene 14.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 15:
(The gym. PRINCIPAL CURLY introduces DEVON.)
MR. GUNTHER CURLY
Now, last but not least, grade eleven student Devon Kilpatrick will speak.
(There are whoops and applause for a long time. Finally DEVON sticks his head out from behind a flat. The applause and whoops grow louder. DEVON, bulging everywhere, edges out onto the stage. The applause and whooping fade away to silence. SONIA joins DEVON and MAVIS slips into the audience and MR. and MRS. KILPATRICK slip in from the other entrance. SONIA stands near DEVON, looking at him sadly.)
DEVON KILPATRICK
Good evening, ladies and germs. I just flew in from the coast and boy are my arms tired.
(silence)
Seriously folks, I need a drink…preferably hemlock.
(stony silence)
And why do they call this room a gymnasium? I mean, who came up with a name like that? Some guy called Jim?
(silence)
When they set me up for this gig, they didn’t tell me that I’d be performing for corpses.
(silence)
Is my fly down?
(silence)
Vote for me and I’ll cure your zits.
(silence)
Vote for me and I’ll get my cat to defecate on the principal’s best pair of trousers!
(silence)
You need a leader who can sing “O Canada” in German and Cantonese.
(silence)
You need a leader who can run this school like an Okie-Dokie Mart.
(silence)
How about those Okie-Dokie burritos? They bring a whole new level of meaning to the term “colon cleansing”.
(silence. Toland throws down his burrito in disgust. DEVON speaks faster and faster.)
I live in the suburbs. My dad works in some office and my mom sells houses to some people who want to live in the suburbs too. There’s too much asphalt. My dad used to smash it up. Those were his happiest days. My girlfriend is trying to love me. It’s kind of sad. I’m kind of sad. You’re kind of sad. Sad. Three little letters make a big word that’s the truth. S-A-D…Sad. I don’t feel good. I got this pressure in me. I gonna explode. I gonna…I gonna rupture like a bloated belly of a dead pig in a desert. I gonna ‘splode, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mom, Momma, help me Momma, I gonna ‘splode!
(He falls over and convulses then lies still. Everyone is frozen in shock. MAVIS runs over to STAN KILPATRICK and GERALDINE as BENNYSOTO DOXBOTTLE runs in with VELMA and YOYO. The DOXBOTTLES approach DEVON. Everyone watches on tenterhooks as BENNYSOTO goes to work.)
BENNYSOTO DOXBOTTLE
(to all assembled)
Don’t worry, I’m a magus!
VELMA DOXBOTTLE
He’s gone into shock, Bennysoto.
YOYO DOXBOTTLE
Daddy Doxbottle will soon restore the lad, or my name’s not Yoyo Doxbottle.
BENNYSOTO DOXBOTTLE
Boy! Boy! Boy! I will expunge your toxins!
(VELMA throws a black cloth over DEVON. BENNYSOTO and YOYO dance around DEVON wildly, making motions as if drawing out toxins, singing, as VELMA beats a rhythm.)
BENNYSOTO and YOYO
Toxins, toxins, everywhere.
Toxins, toxins, in your hair.
Toxins, toxins, go away
Toxins, toxins, do not stay
Sick, sick, sick,
Sick in your soul
Throw it all up in a toilet bowl.
(BENNYSOTO dances and dances as the black cloth undulates as DEVON writhes and groans beneath as his bulges explode. Finally DEVON emerges, slim and bulgeless. BENNYSOTO and YOYO collapse from exhaustion. VELMA goes to them and fans them gently.)
End of Act Two, Scene 15.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 16:
(STAN KILPATRICK runs to DEVON with GERALDINE and MAVIS.)
STAN KILPATRICK
Devon! Devon, my precious son! Daddy’s here! Daddy’s here, my darling boy!
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
Oh, Devon! We thought we’d lost you!
MAVIS KILPATRICK
That magus saved you, Devon.
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
He expunged all those nasty toxins!
STAN KILPATRICK
Devon, I’ve been such a fool. I’m pulling you out of high school and getting you a job smashing ashphalt!
DEVON KILPATRICK
Do you mean it, Dad?
STAN KILPATRICK
More than I’ve ever meant anything.
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
You won’t ever have to be funny again.
MAVIS KILPATRICK
What about me? I don’t want to have to be funny.
STAN KILPATRICK
You can smash asphalt too, Mavis.
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
We’ll all smash asphalt together, one bit happy asphalt-smashing family!
SONIA CHRISTENSEN
Is there a place for me in all this happiness?
DEVON KILPATRICK
Of course, Sonia. I’m sure we can find a jackhammer with your name on it, right, Dad?
STAN KILPATRICK
You bet, son.
GERALDINE KILPATRICK
Welcome to the family, Sonia.
MAVIS KILPATRICK
Good thing Devon has a king size bed!
SONIA CHRISTENSEN
Oh, Mavis, you’ve made my face flush!
DEVON KILPATRICK
(addressing the students and staff as his family arrange themselves formally around him)
And so I conclude my speech. Vote Devon Kilpatrick for President!
(The STUDENTS and STAFF erupt into wild cheers, and chant “Devon, Devon, Devon” until settles them with arm signals.)
DEVON KILPATRICK
As if! I’m outta here! Asphalt, here I come!
(He takes SONIA’S hand and the two of them exit happily like a couple about to start their honeymoon in a 1940’s Hollywood movie, followed by DEVON’S FAMILY, as everyone calls out “good luck” and “bless you” and other assorted well-wishes.)
End of Act Two, Scene 16.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 17:
(The gym. PRINCIPAL CURLY addresses the assembly.)
MR. GUNTHER CURLY
Well, this is all rather irregular. I suppose I will have to have Devon’s name taken off the ballot.
(boos)
Now, now…we must accept his decision to withdraw from our fine school.
(more boos)
I must insist on order! I am Mr. Curly, the Principal!
BANDY, GARDENIA, and ROXY
Up yours, Curly!
(They exit.)
NAT and RANDY
It’s over, Mr. Curly!
(They exit.)
BOBBI and DELORES
See ya later, Curly boy. Or maybe not.
(They exit.)
LULU TUTTLE
I am withdrawing from John Hart Secondary as of this moment, sir.
(She exits.)
NONNY BUNTER
I too must terminate my contract with this accursed school, Mr. Curly!
(She exits.)
DARIA STRELNIKOVA
I will return to Russia on first available plane. Your school is worse than Siberian boot factory!
(She exits.)
MS. PHYLLIS PRIDDY
Au revoir, Mr. Curly. I am going to Paris to write my memoirs!
MS. NORA LARVA
I’m resigning to do research on creating an ecologically viable alternative to asphalt.
(MS. PRIDDY and MS. LARVA exit.)
MR. TED GROSS
So long, Curly, old man. You can keep your gym with it’s scuffed floors. I’m going to run to Chile and back to raise money for a chain of boot camps for orphans!
(He exits.)
CONRAD BUKOWSKY
I go too. Perhaps I will build log cabin in forest and raise goats, or perhaps I will become the next emperor of Japan. I, Conrad Bukowsky, can do anything!
(He exits.)
LOUISE BOLT
Toland, you can live at my house if you want.
TOLAND GURNEY
Really, Mrs. Bolt? Won’t your husband mind?
LOUISE BOLT
He’s been in a coma for five years, god bless him.
(They exit.)
MR. GUNTHER CURLY
I quit too. I’m going to rent a hot air balloon and let the wind blow me along and chome nightfall I’ll jump out with a parachute and begin a new life.
(He exits.)
End of Act Two, Scene 17.
Bulge by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 18:
(The gym. DOCTOR CRANBROOK enters.)
DR. NORMAN CRANBROOK
Nurse Doxbottle! The school is emptying like a leaky bucket! And everyone’s laughing and dancing!
VELMA DOXBOTTLE
Yes, Dr. Cranbrook, thanks to the magic of my magus husband Bennysoto.
DR. NORMAN CRANBROOK
Good heavens!
(going to Bennysoto.)
He appears to be…to be…dead. And…and…poor little Yoyo, too.
VELMA DOXBOTTLE
Yes, they appear to be dead. But they’re not. Goodness, look at the time! I’m due back in your office in ten minutes!
DR. NORMAN CRANBROOK
I came here to help the Kilpatrick boy.
VELMA DOXBOTTLE
Regular medical procedures wouldn’t have helped, Dr. Cranbrook. The boy needed a magus to cure him.
DR. CRANBROOK
This is all rather weird. I feel quite disoriented.
VELMA DOXBOTTLE
Come on. I’ll call a taxi and we’ll be back in your office in no time.
DR. NORMAN CRANBROOK
It’s as though I’m dreaming that I’m running across an African veldt, like an antelope in the prime of life.
VELMA DOXBOTTLE
You are an antelope in the prime of life, Dr. Cranbrook.
DR. CRANBROOK
I am?
VELMA DOXBOTTLE
Yes. An antelope, in your deep, deep dream. But you’ll wake up soon.
(They exit and BENNYSOTO and YOYO recover and do a little song and dance.)
BENNYSOTO and YOYO
Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Life is but a dream.
(The CAST enters and perform their bows as they sing rounds of “Row, Row, Row, Your Boat”.)
END OF THE PLAY.