Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2006
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 55 minutes.
• style: clown comedy
• suitable for general audiences
• 27 characters (gender-interchangeable)
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Granny Torkelson Goes to Sea” is a full-steam-ahead clown play in which the inveterate nincumpoop Granny Torkelson creates havoc on a cruise ship, causing it to crash into an uncharted island where secret experiments are taking place.
(This play was first performed on March 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, in the year 2006, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
Go to:
Act One, Scene 1
Act One, Scene 2
Act One, Scene 3
Act One, Scene 4
Act One, Scene 5
Act Two, Scene 1
Act Two, Scene 2
Act Two, Scene 3
Act Two, Scene 4
Act Two, Scene 5
Act Three, Scene 1
Act Three, Scene 2
CHARACTERS:
Our Heroines:
Granny Torkelson, ancient but feisty
Bethany Scrummage, her elderly but intrepid companion
Nurse Augusta Wullybully, Granny Torkelson’s blunt nurse
The Crew:
Captain Billi Spinach
First Mate Salty Kipper
Able Seaman Phil Turtle
Able Seaman Vern Scuttle
Able Seawoman Mona Broadside
The Army:
General Helen Disturbance
Lieutenant Buck Bullit
Sergeant Chick Decker
Private Shelby Here-and-there #1
Private Shelby Here-and-there #2
The Passengers:
Doctor Garth Fulbrain, Professor of Everything
Polly Cuddles, the professor’s assistant
Lord Nemo Stilborn, a toff
Toffee Nibbles, his maid
Tiffany Stilborn, Lord Stilborn’s daughter
Veronica Rubbish, Tiffany’s friend
Vic Vomit, aging punk rocker
Mickey Spittle, Vic’s girlfriend
Sadie Mango, School Secretary
Pony Solo, School Secretary
Lola Alona, School Secretary
Bernice Welch, contest winner
Velvet Welch, her daughter
Dirk Stocker, eligible batchelor
Granny Torkelson Goes to Sea by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 1:
(GRANNY TORKELSON, BETHANY SCRUMMAGE, and NURSE WULLYBULLY are standing on the deck of the cruise ship “Empress of Cache Creek”. GRANNY TORKELSON’S lumbago is acting up, so she is stooped forward, with one hand on her aching lower back, the other over the shoulder of NURSE WULLYBULLY.)
GRANNY TORKELSON
Phew! Here we are on the deck of the ship. What a massive vessel!
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
It’s a biggy.
GRANNY TORKELSON
Are you sure it’s the right one, Bethany?
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
It said “The Empress of Cache Creek” on the side, Granny Torkelson.
GRANNY TORKELSON
Then I suppose this is the ship. Oh, my cursed lumbago! My back is torturing me, Nurse Wullybully!
NURSE WULLYBULLY
(as she begins to rummage through her medical bag)
I will give you a some joy juice in a moment, Granny Torkelson.
GRANNY TORKELSON
In a moment? I need joy juice now, Nurse Wullybully!
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
Nurse Wullybully fed you a handful of horse tranquilizers ten minutes ago.
GRANNY TORKELSON
Oh, what do you know, Bethany Scrummage, you old sack of guano!
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
Must you be so disagreeable, Granny Torkelson?
GRANNY TORKELSON
It’s my lumbago, Bethany. I am driven to nastiness because I have shooting pains throughout my lower body!
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
The doctor said you need rest. That’s why we’re going on this cruise to Lithuania.
NURSE WULLYBULLY
(producing a huge syringe from her bag)
Bend over your suitcase, Granny Torkelson.
(She helps her moaning patient bend over the suitcase, then injects painkiller into GRANNY TORKELSON’S buttocks.)
GRANNY TORKELSON
(clambering upright with NURSE WULLYBULLY’s assistance)
That’s better. Thank you, Nurse Wullybully. I no longer feel the urge to strangle you.
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
The ship seems deserted.
GRANNY TORKELSON
Not a sailor in sight.
(DOCTOR GARTH FULBRAIN enters with POLLY CUDDLES.)
DOCTOR GARTH FULBRAIN
Excuse me, ladies, how do you know this is the “Empress of Cache Creek”?
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
It says so on the side.
DOCTOR GARTH FULBRAIN
A quick and clever response. I am Doctor Garth Fulbrain, Professor of Everything.
POLLY CUDDLES
And I’m his my assistant, Miss Polly Cuddles.
GRANNY TORKELSON
Professor of Everything! My, my! I am Granny Torkelson
(indicating NURSE WULLYBULLY)
And this is my nurse, Augusta Wullybully.
NURSE WULLYBULLY
What’s up, Doc?
GRANNY TORKELSON
Ha, ha, ha! Isn’t she a caution! I just love Bugs Bunny!
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
What about me, Granny Torkelson?
GRANNY TORKELSON
What about you?
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
Why don’t you introduce me?
GRANNY TORKELSON
Oh, Bethany, Doctor Fulbrain isn’t interested in a bit of old baggage like you!
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
On the contrary, Granny Torkelson. I find Bethany quite fascinating.
(He reaches out and pulls gently at a strand of BETHANY’s hair.)
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
Why, Doctor Fulbrain, I do believe you’re tugging my hair!
DOCTOR GARTH FULLBRAIN
Tug, tug, tug!
(Just as suddenly he lets go of BETHANY’s hair and stares at POLLY CUDDLES with a look of nervous expectation on his face.)
POLLY CUDDLES
Doctor Fulbrain is on stress leave from the Warthog University, where he’s a Professor of Everything.
GRANNY TORKELSON
Warthog! Such a prestigious institution, Dr. Fulbrain!
DOCTOR GARTH FULLBRAIN
I have been researching everything.
GRANNY TORKELSON
What could be more important than Everything?
DOCTOR GARTH FULLBRAIN
Nothing.
POLLY CUDDLES
It’s very stressful being a Professor of Everything.
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
My brain is full, like your overstuffed suitcase, Granny Torkelson! It hurts!
(He holds his head.)
POLLY CUDDLES
Poor Doctor Fulbrain! Perhaps you could do something for him, Nurse Wullybully?
NURSE WULLYBULLY
Certainly, Ms. Cuddles!
(She kicks DOCTOR FULBRAIN in the shin.)
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
(grabbing his shin and hopping about)
Owww!
GRANNY TORKELSON
(as they watch the unfortunate professor hop)
Bravo, Nurse Wullybully! Now he’s forgotten all about his aching head!
POLLY CUDDLES
When it comes right down to it, he’s just a big baby…but he’s awfully clever.
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
Why Ms. Cuddles, I do believe you’re in love with the professor!
POLLY CUDDLES
Perhaps I am, but he cares nothing for me.
GRANNY TORKELSON
Doesn’t he care about everything?
POLLY CUDDLES
Yes, but I’m just one tiny little bit of everything.
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
I suppose that in the giant pile of everything, one thing is almost nothing.
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
Stop! Stop! You are adding to the pile of everything with your new ideas! My head will burst!
GRANNY TORKELSON
Poor chap. Look at his red face! Now let’s try to locate our berths. I must lie down before my lumbago drives me to suicide.
POLLY CUDDLES
The professor and I booked adjoining cabins so I can monitor his mood.
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
Adjoining cabins! How romantic!
(ABLE SEAWOMAN MONA BROADSIDE enters.)
ABLE SEAWOMAN BROADSIDE
Ahoy, maties! I’m Able Seawoman Mona Broadside! You’ll be wanting a spot to sling your hammocks.
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
Hammocks? But Granny Torkelson suffers from lumbago!
GRANNY TORKELSON
A hammock will bend my back and cause unbearable pain!
ABLE SEAWOMAN BROADSIDE
Ye paid for hammocks so that’s what ye’ll get! Get below, ye lazy sea dogs, before the Cap’n catches you lolling about like half-dead flatfish!
(They all exit, with ABLE SEAWOMAN BROADSIDE shooing BETHANY and GRANNY TORKELSON along like cattle.)
End of Act One, Scene 1.
Granny Torkelson Goes to Sea by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 2:
(LORD NEMO STILBORN enters with TOFFEE NIBBLES, TIFFANY STILBORN, and VERONICA RUBBISH. All are ridiculously English.)
LORD STILBORN
(beating his chest and breathing deeply)
Ah, Toffee, there’s nothing like an adventure at sea to get the old juices flowing!
TOFFEE NIBBLES
We ain’t even left the dock yet, Lord Stilborn.
TIFFANY STILBORN
Daddy, Veronica and I are bored.
VERONICA RUBBISH
We want to go shopping, Lord Stilborn.
LORD STILBORN
Shopping? Don’t be ridiculous! I’ve arranged for you to work as ordinary sailors on this fine vessel!
TOFFEE NIBBLES
You lyzy lit-ul beggahs is gow-ing to do some werk fur a choinge!
(You lazy little beggars are going to do some work for a change.)
TIFFANY STILBORN
You can’t be serious, Daddy! Veronica Rubbish is my guest aboard this cruise ship!
VERONICA RUBBISH
I want to shop and get a sun tan, Lord Stilborn, not swab the decks!
LORD STILBORN
Don’t be silly, girls. We English are born sailors. You’ll love every minute of it!
TOFFEE NIBBLES
Ooo, yore getting me all excited, yor lordship!
LORD STILBORN
Am I, Toffee?
TIFFANY STILBORN
Daddy! She’s our maid! Don’t flirt with her. It’s disgusting.
VERONICA RUBBISH
Are you in love with Toffee, Lord Stilborn?
TOFFEE NIBBLES
You littul rotters!
LORD STILBORN
The sooner you two are put to work, the better.
(VIC VOMIT and MICKEY SPITTLE enter with their guitars.)
VIC VOMIT
Is this scrap heap the Empress of Cache Creek?
MICKEY SPITTLE
We’re the stinking entertainment.
TIFFANY STILBORN
Look, Daddy, old punk rockers
VERONICA RUBBISH
They’re awfully gross.
VIC VOMIT
Shut your cake holes, you little pukes.
(to LORD STILBORN)
I’m Vic Vomit, and this is my girlfriend Mickey Spittle.
MICKEY SPITTLE
Oi.
LORD STILBORN
This is indeed the Empress of Cache Creek, my good man. I’m Lord Stilborn.
VIC VOMIT
I’m not your “good man”, Stilborn. Don’t talk down to me, or I’ll curl my lip at you!
MICKEY SPITTLE
(poking her finger into LORD STILBORN’s stomach)
Vic doesn’t like you, Fatty!
TOFFEE NIBBLES
(pulling her hand away)
Don’t you go poking ‘is Lordship’s tummy, you bloomin’ ‘ooligan!
MICKEY SPITTLE
(grabbing TOFFEE)
How’d you like me to melt your facial hair with my breath, you little English twit!
VIC VOMIT
(to TOFFEE)
Careful, Crabby, or Mickey’ll throw you to the sharks when we hit the open sea.
TIFFANY STILBORN
Throw her over now! She’s useless!
VERONICA RUBBISH
She’s just a maid.
LORD STILBORN
I must insist that you release Miss Nibbles immediately.
VIC VOMIT
Miss Nibbles? C’mon, give us a little nibble, Miss Nibbles!
MICKEY SPITTLE
(pushing TOFFEE away and grabbing VIC)
Keep away from her, Vic, you hear?
(She and VIC face each other fiercely.)
TIFFANY STILBORN
She’s going to give him a good thrashing!
VERONICA RUBBISH
They’ve got a lot of energy for old people.
LORD STILBORN
Come along, everyone. We will locate our berths, and leave these two to sort themselves out. Let the fish swallow its own tail, I always say.
(shouting)
Steward! Steward!
(ABLE SEAMAN VERN SCUTTLE enters and collars TIFFANY and VERONICA.)
ABLE SEAMAN SCUTTLE
Belay your hollerin’, matie! I’m Able Seaman Scuttle, and I’ll take these two little kippers down to the bilge so they can man the pumps!
TIFFANY STILBORN
Oh, Daddy, he’s going to make me and Veronica pump bilgewater!
VERONICA RUBBISH
How can I pump? My muscles are atrophied from my decadent lifestyle!
ABLE SEAMAN SCUTTLE
You’ll pump or feel the lash, mateys!
(He hauls them offstage.)
LORD STILBORN
One day they’ll thank me! Now come on Toffee, time for tea!
TOFFEE NIBBLES
(as they exit)
May I ‘ave a crumpet, Lord Stilborn?
LORD STILBORN
If you promise to eat with your mouth closed, Toffee.
TOFFEE NIBBLES
All roight.
(LORD STILBORN and TOFFEE exit. VIC and MICKEY collapse dejectedly onto a bench.)
VIC VOMIT
I’m already done and we’re still at the dock. I dunno about this gig.
MICKEY SPITTLE
We need the money, Vic, for our facelifts.
VIC VOMIT
It’s tough being a hard-core punk rocker when you’re sixty-five.
MICKEY SPITTLE
Yeah, prancing around like embalmed teenage zombies.
VIC VOMIT
We’ve turned into our name: The Dead Puppets.
MICKEY SPITTLE
(placing a comforting arm around him)
Don’t give up, Vic. We’ve still got what it takes to spit, curse, kick, and sneer our way through a few days at sea.
VIC VOMIT
You think?
MICKEY SPITTLE
Sure. Let’s play “Make ’em Drown”…then you’ll feel better.
VIC VOMIT
It’s worth a try.
(They sing, while capering about and stiffly performing violent moves.)
Message from the underground!
Sink this ship! Make ’em drown!
Stinking, rotten, filthy clowns!
Sink this tub! Make ’em drown!
We won’t eat your cruise ship pap!
Kick and slap! Kick and slap!
Nasty, boring pile of crap!
Kick and slap! Kick and slap!
Wanna bonk you on the head
‘Cause you’re boring and you’re dead!
Go back to your high school halls!
Go back to your shopping malls!
Message from the underground!
Sink this ship! Make ’em drown!
Stinking, rotten, filthy clowns!
Sink this tub! Make ’em drown!
MICKEY SPITTLE
Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!
(Their effort at elation suddenly evaporates, and they both sink into tired dejection again.)
VIC VOMIT
Now I’m really beat.
MICKEY SPITTLE
Let’s go find our berths and stink up the blankets with our sweat.
VIC VOMIT
(tiredly)
Oi!
(They drag off.)
End of Act One, Scene 2.
Granny Torkelson Goes to Sea by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 3:
(SADIE MANGO, PONY SOLO, and LOLA ALONA enter wearing 1980’s secretary garb.)
SADIE MANGO
Well, Solo and Alona, here we are on the deck of the Empress of Cache Creek.
PONY SOLO
Oh, Sadie, for three single, middle-aged school secretaries like us, it’s a dream come true!
LOLA ALONA
Just think, yesterday we were slaving at our desks in the claustraphobic office at Pompom Secondary School, and now we’re about to sail away on a romantic adventure!
SADIE MANGO
There’s got to be three attractive, wealthy princes on this ship who will sweep us off our feet and into their strong, protective arms!
PONY SOLO
And we’ll be their princess brides in their lovely palaces with chocolates and flowers every day!
LOLA ALONA
And we’ll never have to write out late slips or photocopy anything ever again!
(DIRK STOCKER enters.)
DIRK STOCKER
Hey ladies…I’m Dirk…Dirk Stocker.
SADIE MANGO
(blurting)
Look! A man!
PONY SOLO
(aside, to SADIE)
Don’t scare him away!
LOLA ALONA
(aside, to PONY and SADIE)
He doesn’t look like a prince, but at least he’s male.
PONY SOLO
Go introduce us, Sadie!
(PONY pushes SADIE towards DIRK.)
SADIE MANGO
Hello, Mr. Stocker. I’m Sadie Mango, and these are my friends Pony Solo and Lola Alona.
PONY SOLO
Hi! I’m a school secretary!
LOLA ALONA
(aside to PONY)
Pony!
DIRK STOCKER
That’s all right; I’m not prejudiced.
SADIE MANGO
Are you travelling alone, Mr. Stocker?
DIRK STOCKER
Not now that I’ve met you three luscious fruits.
LOLA ALONA
(taking SADIE and PONY aside)
Luscious fruits! He called us luscious fruits!
PONY SOLO
Is it okay to be called a luscious fruit?
SADIE MANGO
Just so long as he doesn’t try to take a bite without paying the bill.
(going to DIRK)
Mr. Stocker…or may I call you Dirk?
DIRK STOCKER
Call me anything you want, but don’t call me late for love!
SADIE MANGO
Well then, Dirk…you’re sort of fruity yourself.
LOLA and PONY
(tittering)
Sadie!
DIRK STOCKER
I can see this is going to be a great cruise.
LOLA ALONA
Perhaps we can get together for a game of shuffleboard, Mr. Stocker.
PONY SOLO
Are you rich?
LOLA and SADIE
(aside to PONY)
Pony!
DIRK STOCKER
I’m what you call a player.
SADIE MANGO
Are you a stockbroker, Mr. Stocker?
DIRK STOCKER
I’m CEO of the Love Corporation, ladies.
LOLA ALONA
The Love Corporation! What does it manufacture?
DIRK STOCKER
A product guaranteed to provide pleasure. You might want to invest.
PONY SOLO
Does it promise a good return?
DIRK STOCKER
I’d like to share the details with you. What do you say you show me where you bunk?
SADIE MANGO
Oh dear, I’m afraid we don’t know where our cabin is yet, Dirk!
(ABLE SEAMAN PHIL TURTLE enters.)
ABLE SEAMAN TURTLE
(to the SECRETARIES)
Come along, you three ragbags, I’ll take ye to yer bunks!
SADIE, PONY, and SOLO
Ragbags!
DIRK STOCKER
How can you call these delicate flowers ragbags!
SADIE, PONY, and SOLO
(in unison)
Oh, Dirk!
ABLE SEAMAN TURTLE
And who might you be, little man?
DIRK STOCKER
(taking SEAMAN TURTLE aside)
I’ll give you a big tip if you can get me a cabin close to these ladies, sailor!
ABLE SEAMAN TURTLE
(pulling DIRK up close so they’re face-to-face)
I’m Able Seaman Phil Turtle, and I can’t be bought, ye scurvy dog! Now get below before I brain you with me mallet!
(He hurls DIRK aside. The THREE SECRETARIES catch DIRK and make a little tableau of concern around him.)
SADIE MANGO
You better do as he says, Dirk.
PONY SOLO
He’s an awfully big sailor.
LOLA ALONA
And he has a mallet, whatever that is!
DIRK STOCKER
(adjusting his clothing and reclaiming his dignity as best he can)
I’ll report him to the captain.
(He runs off.)
SADIE MANGO
(calling after him)
Wait for us, Dirk!
(The three SECRETARIES exit.)
ABLE SEAMAN TURTLE
Landlubbers! They’re as daft as a drunken dogfish!
(He exits.)
End of Act One, Scene 3.
Granny Torkelson Goes to Sea by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 4:
(BERNICE WELCH and her daughter VELVET enter. BERNICE is a rasping, hard-faced mass of fierce dysfunction.)
BERNICE WELCH
I need a cigarette.
(She takes out a cigarette.)
VELVET WELCH
(who tends to whine)
Forget it, Mom. Can’t you see the “No Smoking” signs everywhere?
BERNICE WELCH
(sticking the smoke between her lips anyway, where it hangs as if glued there)
What the hell’s the point of a vacation if you can’t smoke?
VELVET WELCH
You make everything seem bad.
BERNICE WELCH
I didn’t ask to win that “free cruise” contest, Velvet.
VELVET WELCH
See? You did it again. Why do you always have to be so negative?
BERNICE WELCH
(looking up)
The sun’s gonna play hell with my skin.
VELVET WELCH
That’s what sun block’s for, Mom.
BERNICE WELCH
(peering over the railing)
They better have enough lifeboats on this tub.
VELVET WELCH
They got to, Mom…it’s the law.
BERNICE WELCH
Too bad my boyfriend Johnny couldn’t come instead of you.
VELVET WELCH
He’s in jail, Mom.
BERNICE WELCH
It’s not his fault. How was he supposed to know it was a bait car?
VELVET WELCH
Mom, can’t you just relax and enjoy yourself for once?
BERNICE WELCH
So you can take advantage of me while I’m off my guard? No way, kid.
VELVET WELCH
Well, I’m going to have a good time even if you’re not.
(ABLE SEAMEN TURTLE and SCUTTLE and ABLE SEAWOMAN BROADSIDE enter.)
TURTLE, SCUTTLE, and BROADSIDE
(singing)
We’re glad you won the contest!
We welcome you on deck!
Before you go to your bunks below
We’ll give you both a peck!
(They rush to the startled mother and child, peck them on their cheeks, and haul them offstage.)
End of Act One, Scene 4.
Granny Torkelson Goes to Sea by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 5:
(CAPTAIN BILLI SPINACH and FIRST MATE SALTY KIPPER enter.)
CAPTAIN SPINACH
Ah, First Mate Kipper, ‘tis a lovely day for sailing!
FIRST MATE KIPPER
Aye, Cap’n Spinach, a fine day, to be sure.
CAPTAIN SPINACH
All’s well starboard, larboard, port and aft, First Mate Kipper?
FIRST MATE KIPPER
Aye, Cap’n, all’s well.
CAPTAIN SPINACH
Then let the wind blow, and the waves roar…we’ll ride the outgoing tide into the flaming sunset, by god!
FIRST MATE KIPPER
Your trousers look tight, Cap’n.
CAPTAIN SPINACH
They’re tight all right, First Mate, but I’ve got a ship to command, and I’ll do my duty even if my trousers split like a sail in a hurricane!
FIRST MATE KIPPER
(pointing skyward)
Look, Cap’n Spinach! An albatross!
CAPTAIN SPINACH
Aye, First Mate. ‘Tis a good omen! The albatross will lead us safely across through the fog and the stormy sea!
FIRST MATE KIPPER
(as guano strikes her left eyeball)
Agghhh! Guano in my eyeball! Curse that albatross!
CAPTAIN SPINACH
First Mate Kipper! You have cursed an albatross! Now the voyage may be doomed!
FIRST MATE KIPPER
The guano burns, Cap’n! It burns!
CAPTAIN SPINACH
(consulting her watch)
Summon the crew and passengers, First Mate.
FRIST MATE KIPPER
(using a megaphone)
All sailors and landlubbers on deck! All sailors and landlubbers on deck!
(The crew join the CAPTAIN and the FIRST MATE on the bridge while the passengers assemble below. TIFFANY and VERONICA are now in sailor suits and carrying mops, and stand just downstage of the crew.)
CAPTAIN SPINACH
Welcome aboard the Empress of Cache Creek. I am Captain Spinach. The first mate has albatross guano in her eye.
FIRST MATE KIPPER
It burns! It burns like fire!
VIC VOMIT and MICKEY SPITTLE
(singing)
Message from the bird in the sky!
Poop flies down and burns her eye!
The ship might sink and we might die!
Message from the bird in the sky!
GRANNY TORKELSON
Oh! That song has made my lumbago flare up! Fire is shooting through my buttocks!
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
Are we going to sink, Captain Spinach?
CAPTAIN SPINACH
No ship can stand the pounding waves of a winter storm in the mid-Atlantic, you stupid landlubbers!
POLLY CUDDLES
But it’s summer!
ABLE SEAMEN TURTLE and SCUTTLE and SEAWOMAN BROADSIDE
On the ocean deep, disaster strikes without warning!
(The passengers are startled and confused by all this, but the crew remain impassive in the face of this heavy-handed foreshadowing.)
TOFFEE NIBBLES
(pointing at the heavens)
Look, your Lordship, a bleedin’ albatross!
(Everyone looks skyward. TIFFANY STILBORN and VERONICA RUBBISH get guano in their eyes.)
TIFFANY STILBORN
Aggghhh! Guano in my left eyeball!
VERONICA RUBBISH
Guano! It burns!
TIFFANY and VERONICA
(shaking their fists at the offending bird)
Curse that albatross!
TURTLE, SCUTTLE, and BROADSIDE
Never curse an albatross!
CAPTAIN SPINACH
Too late! The albatross has been cursed twice! The voyage is doomed!
(The PASSENGERS scream and run about and bump into each other and fall down.)
FIRST MATE KIPPER
The ship has left the dock! There is no going back!
CAPTAIN SPINACH
Onward we must sail, towards death itself!
(There is a dreary exit as the CREW and PASSENGERS drag themselves below the decks of the stricken ship to the ominous sound of a clanging bell.)
End of Act One, Scene 5.
Granny Torkelson Goes to Sea by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 1:
(GRANNY TORKELSON, BETHANY SCRUMMAGE, and NURSE WULLYBULLY enter. GRANNY TORKELSON has a fishing rod. She goes about casting the line into the ocean in the hope of catching an albacore tuna.)
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
Our third day on the voyage to Lithuania, and still we have not sunk, Granny Torkelson.
GRANNY TORKELSON
And my lumbago has subsided. Perhaps cursing that albatross brought good luck, not bad.
NURSE WULLYBULLY
Any nibbles yet, Granny Torkelson?
GRANNY TORKELSON
No, but I hope to land a massive albacore tuna.
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
(scanning the heavens)
The albatross is still up there, flapping away.
NURSE WULLYBULLY
(getting guano in her eye)
Agghhhh! My eye! It is always making guano.
GRANNY TORKELSON
Never mind that. I feel a nibble!
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
But what will you do with a tuna, Granny Torkelson?
GRANNY TORKELSON
Give it to the captain and the crew to show my appreciation for the way they righted the ship after we capsized off the Grand Banks.
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
I thought we were done for. Thank goodness for Nurse Wullybully’s oxygen tank!
GRANNY TORKELSON
There’s that nibble again. It feels like a big one.
NURSE WULLYBULLY
Pull it in, Granny Torkelson.
GRANNY TORKELSON
(straining on the rod)
Unhhhhhh! Help me, Bethany and Nurse Wullybully, I grow weary!
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
(assisting as best she can, with NURSE WULLYBULLY)
Unhhhhhh! It weighs a ton!
GRANNY TORKELSON
Here it comes!
(They hoist a massive tuna onto the deck. It is inert.)
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
It’s an albacore tuna, all right.
NURSE WULLYBULLY
(approaching the fish and making a professional judgment)
It’s dead.
GRANNY TORKELSON
That doesn’t matter. It will still provide plenty of good eats for the captain and crew.
(SADIE MANGO, PONY SOLO, and LOLA ALONA enter with DIRK STOCKER.)
SADIE MANGO
Oh, Dirk, tell us again about your adventures at the Playboy mansion.
PONY SOLO
Did you go in the grotto?
LOLA ALONA
Did you meet Hugh Hefner himself?
DIRK STOCKER
Heck, ladies, Hugh’s my grandpa.
SADIE MANGO
Did he make you CEO of the Love Corporation, Dirk?
DIRK STOCKER
When it comes to love, I’m my own boss.
(The three school secretaries giggle.)
DIRK STOCKER
Say, what’s that tuna doing on the deck?
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
Granny Torkelson caught it.
PONY SOLO
It looks dead.
LOLA ALONA
(getting guano in her eye)
Agghhhh! Guano in my eye!
GRANNY TORKELSON
I’m going to give my tuna to Captain Spinach and the crew.
(BERNICE WELCH and VELVET enter.)
BERNICE WELCH
I smell the stink of a dead fish.
VELVET WELCH
Look, Mom, a tuna!
BERNICE WELCH
Yuk! Throw that thing back in the ocean!
SADIE MANGO
It’s a gift for the crew.
BERNICE WELCH
Good. That’s what they deserve for their bad service.
VELVET WELCH
But they treat you like a queen, Mom.
BERNICE WELCH
Invading my privacy, getting underfoot.
PONY SOLO
You’re lucky, Mrs. Welch. Poor Granny Torkelson has to sleep in a hammock in the bilge.
GRANNY TORKELSON
We paid the economy fare.
BERNICE WELCH
You get what you pay for, ladies.
VELVET WELCH
But you didn’t pay anything, Mom. I bought a contest ticket in your name for your birthday, and you won.
(VIC VOMIT and MICKEY SPITTLE enter.)
VIC VOMIT
Dead tuna!
MICKEY SPITTLE
Wasn’t that the name of that band with the lead singer who got crushed to death in a mosh pit?
VIC VOMIT
Yeah. Hey, old woman, did you catch this thing?
GRANNY TORKELSON
Well yes, I did.
VIC VOMIT
It stinks. I like it.
MICKEY SPITTLE
What you gonna do with it?
PONY SOLO
Give it to the crew.
VIC VOMIT
Lucky buggers.
MICKEY SPITTLE
Stinking tuna for their supper.
MICKEY SPITTLE
Lucky buggers.
(LORD STILBORN and TOFFEE NIBBLES enter.)
LORD STILBORN
Look, Toffee, a fish!
TOFFEE NIBBLES
It’s a bleedin’ great tuna, yor lordship!
LORD STILBORN
What a splendid specimen! It smells a bit “off”, though.
TOFFEE NIBBLES
It bleedin’ well reeks!
LOLA ALONA
Granny Torkelson caught it.
SADIE and PONY
She’s giving it to the crew.
DIRK STOCKER
They say tuna is the food of love.
LOLA ALONA
Dirk’s a love expert.
VIC VOMIT
There’s nothing more raunchy than a rotten tuna casserole.
MICKEY SPITTLE
Except maybe rotten tuna sushi.
LORD STILBORN
The British empire was built on a diet of fish.
TOFFEE NIBBLES
Oi loiks me fish and chips wrapped in newspaper, your lordship, not lyin’ on the bleedin’ deck of a cruise ship.
BERNICE WELCH
(as guano hits her eye)
Aggghhhh! Bird guano! Somebody should shoot that damned albatross!
(They all look up.)
VELVET WELCH
It’s staring at us! I wonder what it wants?
(DOCTOR FULBRAIN enters with POLLY CUDDLES.)
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
Why, bless my soul, a “thunnus alalunga”, or “longfinned tuna”, or “tombo”, or “albacore”! A fine catch, Granny Torkelson.
GRANNY TORKELSON
How did you know I caught it, Doctor Fulbrain?
POLLY CUDDLES
Doctor Fulbrain is the Professor of Everything, remember?
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
But I don’t understand what an albacore tuna is doing in the Atlantic. It’s a Pacific fish.
SADIE MANGO
Maybe it was searching for its soulmate…
PONY SOLO
That long, lonely search for its other half…
LOLA ALONA
And now it’s dead!
(LOLA, SADIE, and PONY burst into tears.)
DIRK STOCKER
But I’m still kicking, ladies.
VIC VOMIT
Give it up, you greasy little hustler.
DIRK STOCKER
I resent that.
MICKEY SPITTLE
You want to duke it out, man to punk?
DIRK STOCKER
No.
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
There’s something odd about that tuna.
POLLY CUDDLES
What, Doctor Fulbrain?
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
It’s about to emit some sort of strange gas.
POLLY CUDDLES
Gas?
(Suddenly, there is a great “PHOOOOOOOOO” as gas gushes out of the big tuna, causing the watchers to reel about drunkenly. They recover after a moment.)
POLLY CUDDLES
Oh, Doctor Fulbrain, I feel nauseous!
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
Yes. I too have a queasy stomach.
GRANNY TORKELSON
Well, I’ve had just about enough of everyone insulting my tuna! Now, Bethany and Nurse Wullybully, help me haul the tuna below decks to the galley.
LORD STILBORN
But Granny Torkelson, surely you’re not going to feed that thing to the crew after it belched out toxic gas?
GRANNY TORKELSON
Pshaw! There’s nothing wrong with my tuna! It was releasing its bladder, just as I must do from time to time.
(She, BETHANY, and NURSE WULLYBULLY haul the tuna offstage.)
TOFFEE NIBBLES
Oi feel sorry for them sailors wot’s going to eat that tuna, Lord Stilborn.
LORD STILBORN
Yes. Quite soon, I expect they’ll be heaving their guts out.
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
All this fuss has made me build up quite an appetite, Polly.
POLLY CUDDLES
Come on, everyone, it’s time for our midday meal!
TOFFEE NIBBLES
More bloody ship’s biscuit and salt pork.
SADIE MANGO
Would you rather eat a piece of that tuna?
TOFFEE NIBBLES
Not on yer bleedin’ loif!
VELVET WELCH
Mom gets gourmet dinners because she won that contest.
BERNICE WELCH
That fancy food is too rich for my sensitive stomach.
VELVET WELCH
But Mom, you drink whiskey on an empty stomach all the time!
BERNICE WELCH
With a kid like you, I got to get drunk just to feel normal.
(TIFFANY and VERONICA enter.)
TIFFANY and VERONICA
Lunch is served!
(Everyone exits except TIFFANY and VERONICA.)
TIFFANY STILBORN
I hate this cruise.
VERONICA RUBBISH
I wonder how much your pater paid them to make us work?
TIFFANY STILBORN
Quite a lot, I expect. Daddy’s fabulously rich.
VERONICA RUBBISH
My nails are ruined, my hair’s a mess, and I look like a man.
TIFFANY STILBORN
If only we could go shopping with Daddy’s charge card…that would make everything better.
VERONICA RUBBISH
There’s no place to shop on this stupid old ship. Do you want to eat some of that tuna Granny Torkelson is cooking for the crew?
TIFFANY STILBORN
Ewwwwww! Absolutely not!
(Guano hits them both in the eye, one after the other.)
TIFFANY and VERONICA
Agggghhhh! Bird guano!
VERONICA RUBBISH
(shaking her fist at the albatross)
I’m going to kill you, do you hear me? Kill you!
(They exit.)
End of Act Two, Scene 1.
Granny Torkelson Goes to Sea by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 2:
(CAPTAIN SPINACH and FIRST MATE KIPPER enter with TURTLE, SCUTTLE, BROADSIDE, GRANNY TORKELSON, BETHANY, and NURSE WULLYBULLY.)
CAPTAIN SPINACH
On behalf of the crew, I want to thank you for that lovely tuna dinner, Granny Torkelson.
FIRST MATE KIPPER
One cheer for Granny Torkelson. Hip, hip…
REST OF CREW
Hurray!
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
One cheer, Granny Torkelson! All you need is two more to be a jolly good fellow.
GRANNY TORKELSON
Shucks, I’m just happy to see you all stuffed full of tuna.
ABLE SEAMAN TURTLE
It was a fine bit of fish, Granny Torkelson.
ABLE SEAMAN SCUTTLE
Aye, a delicate morsel, to be sure.
ABLE SEAWOMAN BROADSIDE
It slid down my gullet like a penguin down an iceberg.
CAPTAIN SPINACH
I feel a little lightheaded, First Mate Kipper.
FIRST MATE KIPPER
Me too, Cap’n Spinach. Is the ship starting to toss?
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
No, no, the ocean is quite calm.
(The CAPTAIN, FIRST MATE, and CREW start to sway as if the ship is swaying.)
NURSE WULLYBULLY
They are swaying, Granny Torkelson.
GRANNY TORKELSON
Nothing wrong with a bit of after-dinner swaying, Nurse Wullybully.
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
Their faces…what’s happening to them?
(Indeed, the CREW’S faces are distorting, squidging around as if they are in pain or losing control of their facial muscles.)
GRANNY TORKELSON
Goodness! I hope my tuna hasn’t upset their tummies!
(Suddenly the CREW become completely robotic. They move all over the stage like automatons, in stiff, straight-line journeys that end with an abrupt halt, change of position, and new journey. They sit, stand, move as robots, stiff-jointed, with heads changing angles, etc., then freeze.)
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
Oh, Granny Torkelson, what have you done? They’re acting like robots!
GRANNY TORKELSON
Oh, oh, oh, I only wanted to feed them tuna! Am I a bad person because I got them to ingest a bit of fish?
NURSE WULLYBULLY
Yes, you are a bad person!
(Suddenly, the CREW approach GRANNY TORKELSON and hoist her over their heads and parade her around the stage.)
GRANNY TORKELSON
My lumbago! My lumbago! Put me down! Put me down at once, I say! Bethany! Nurse Wullybully! Help me! Help me!
(Then, just as suddenly, the CREW unceremoniously dump GRANNY TORKELSON on the deck and exit in different directions.)
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
That tuna turned them into some sort of automatons, Granny Torkelson! What are we going to do?
GRANNY TORKELSON
My lumbago! My lumbago! How can you talk about automatons while I’m lying here in pain! Help me to my hammock!
NURSE WULLYBULLY
(as she and BETHANY help GRANNY TORKELSON offstage)
You are a bad person, Granny Torkelson, a very bad person!
End of Act Two, Scene 2.
Granny Torkelson Goes to Sea by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 3:
(LORD STILBORN enters with TOFFEE NIBBLES.)
LORD STILBORN
The blasted crew has gone barmy, Miss Nibbles.
POLLY CUDDLES
Off their bleedin’ rockers, yor lordship.
LORD STILBORN
The ship’s in the middle of the Atlantic in beastly weather, and there’s no one to sail her!
(TIFFANY and VERONICA RUBBISH enter.)
TIFFANY STILBORN
Daddy, there’s no one to give us orders!
VERONICA RUBBISH
Even the captain is marching about like a clockwork soldier!
(As if to confirm this, CAPTAIN SPINACH marches across the stage like a clockwork soldier and exits.)
TIFFANY STILBORN
Can Veronica and I stop being sailors now, Daddy?
LORD STILBORN
No! The ship needs you more than ever!
TOFFEE NIBBLES
Selfish little blighters!
(She cuffs them both.)
TIFFANY and VERONICA
(with overlapping wailing)
Owwww! Oh, boo-hoo!
(They run off as VIC VOMIT and MICKEY SPITTLE enter.)
VIC VOMIT
The crew’s out of control!
MICKEY SPITTLE
And so’s the ship!
VIC and MICKEY
It’s perfect!
VIC VOMIT
I feel like a young punk again!
MICKEY SPITTLE
This is the life for us!
VIC and MICKEY
(in unison)
Total chaos!
(They exit as DIRK STOCKER enters with SADIE, PONY, and LOLA.)
DIRK STOCKER
Why’s the ship going in circles, Lord Stilborn?
LORD STILBORN
The crew’s gone mad, Mr. Stocker.
DIRK STOCKER
Mad!
(As if to confirm this, FIRST MATE KIPPER marches in and grabs DIRK by the neck, making him flop like a fish as he cries out in alarm, then throwing him down on the deck and exiting.)
SADIE MANGO
Dirk’s a weakling.
PONY SOLO
He couldn’t protect anyone.
LOLA ALONA
What if those crazy sailors attack us?
SADIE and PONY
Let’s go hide in our bunks!
(The three secretaries exit and DIRK gets up off the deck.)
DIRK STOCKER
Sadie, Pony, Lola…don’t abandon me…Dirky needs you!
(He stumbles off after them.)
TOFFEE NIBBLES
What are we going to do, Guv’nor?
LORD STILBORN
Heaven knows, Miss Nibbles.
(BERNICE WELCH and VELVET WELCH enter.)
VELVET WELCH
Mom! Stop running around like a chicken with its head cut off!
BERNICE WELCH
I knew I shouldn’t have come on this stupid cruise! Those sailors are going to kill me!
(As if to confirm this, SEAMEN TURTLE and SCUTTLE march in and grab VELVET, stretching her between them while she hollers in discomfort.)
VELVET WELCH
Mom! Mom! Help me!
BERNICE WELCH
Oh no! Help yourself, kid! I’m outta here!
(She exits. TURTLE and SCUTTLE release VELVET and exit.)
VELVET WELCH
(To LORD STILBORN and POLLY)
Did you see that? Those sailors were stretching me, and my mom did nothing! NOTHING!
(She exits.)
LORD STILBORN
That mother should be thrown to the sharks.
TOFFEE NIBBLES
She’s dysfunctional in the extreme, yor Lordship.
(DOCTOR FULBRAIN enters with POLLY CUDDLES.)
POLLY CUDDLES
Doctor Fulbrain, what’s happened to the crew?
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
Everything, Ms. Cuddles.
POLLY CUDDLES
Everything?
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
Yes, everything. All normal human functions have been replaced by alternate modes.
POLLY CUDDLES
Alternate modes?
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
The tuna contained toxins that altered their biochemistry.
POLLY CUDDLES
What are we going to do?
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
I will restore them through a process know as “anut snixot revoekat”….
POLLY CUDDLES
Anut snixot enogbe?
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
Yes. That’s “tuna toxins takeover” backwards.
(ABLE SEAWOMAN BROADSIDE marches in and slams her fist down on DOCTOR FULBRAIN’s head, rendering him unconscious, then exits.)
POLLY CUDDLES
(going to him and pulling him onto her lap)
Doctor Fulbrain! Doctor Fulbrain!
(But it’s no use. The good DOCTOR is out cold.)
LORD STILBORN
The man is out cold, Miss Cuddles.
TOFFEE NIBBLES
‘E’s down for the count, Polly.
POLLY CUDDLES
But I love him!
LORD STILBORN
Yes, well I expect he will recover some day, though much of his brain might be damaged!
POLLY CUDDLES
Damaged!
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
(recovering slightly)
Ohhhhh! My head! Polly, help me to my bunk….ohhhhh!
POLLY CUDDLES
Come on, Doctor Fulbrain, I’ll get you there somehow.
(They exit together.)
TOFFEE NIBBLES
The ships still going in circles, Lord Stilborn.
LORD STILBORN
Come on, we must summon all the passengers!
(They exit.)
End of Act Two, Scene 3.
Granny Torkelson Goes to Sea by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 4:
(GRANNY TORKELSON enters with BETHANY SCRUMMAGE and NURSE WULLYBULLY.)
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
Stop complaining, Granny Torkelson. We must gather with the other passengers to make a plan.
GRANNY TORKELSON
But my lumbago! What about my lumbago?
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
It will have to wait until later.
GRANNY TORKELSON
But it can’t wait! It hurts now!
NURSE WULLYBULLY
Stop being a baby, Granny Torkelson!
(She produces her huge syringe, makes GRANNY TORKELSON bend double, and injects joy juice into the grumbling TORKELSON.)
GRANNY TORKELSON
(reeling drunkenly)
Thank god for modern medicine! Oh, Nurse Wullybully, you’re beautiful! They should make you into a saint! Florence Nightingale is a sadist compared to you!
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
You gave her too much joy juice again, Nurse Wullybully. She’s delirious.
GRANNY TORKELSON
(taking BETHANY in her arms)
Marry me, George!
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
I’m Bethany! Bethany Scrummage!
GRANNY TORKELSON
Give us a kiss and show us your nickers!
NURSE WULLYBULLY
(pulling her away from BETHANY)
Stop it, Granny Torkelson!
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
It’s all because of that tuna!
(The other passengers enter, except DOCTOR FULBRAIN, as GRANNY TORKELSON sways in her delirium.)
LORD STILBORN
(taking the lead)
I’ve summoned you all because we must make a plan.
TOFFEE NIBBLES
The bleedin’ crew’s gone bonkers and the ships going in circles!
LORD STILBORN
Is there anyone here who can take over as captain?
(Everyone looks at one another. No hands go up.)
SADIE MANGO
What about Doctor Fulbrain?
POLLY CUDDLES
He’s in his bunk suffering from a massive concussion.
LORD STILLBORN
Is there anyone else? Anyone at all with any kind of experience?
GRANNY TORKELSON
Yooo-hooo! Lord Stilborn! Feast your baby blues on me!
LORD STILBORN
Yes, Granny Torkelson?
GRANNY TORKELSON
I do believe I read that charming children’s book “Tommy the Tugboat” no less than ten times!
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
Don’t listen to her, Lord Stilborn! She’s high on joy juice!
LORD STILBORN
No, no, Miss Scrummage, we must take what we can get! How much do you know about operating a vessel, Granny Torkelson?
GRANNY TORKELSON
Well, Tommy the Tugboat goes to bed at the end of the day and he hears strange noises…
BERNICE WELCH
She’s talking nonsense! She can’t run this ship!
GRANNY TORKELSON
And Tommy the Tugboat goes putt, putt, putt, with little puffs of sweet-smelling smoke belching from his funnel.
LORD STILBORN
She’ll have to do. All those in favour of Granny Torkelson becoming the captain of the Empress of Cache Creek?
(Everyone except BERNICE WELCH puts up his/her hand.)
LORD STILBORN
Granny Torkelson, you’re the new captain! Take her to the bridge so she can start steering the ship!
GRANNY TORKELSON
Toot toot! Toot toot! Tommy the Tugboat, the cutest boat that ever did float! Whooo-hooo!
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
Let’s get her into the wheelhouse, Nurse Wullybully. Perhaps she’ll prove to be a good captain when the drugs wear off.
NURSE WULLYBULLY
No. She will bring disaster.
(They exit with GRANNY TORKELSON, who is singing deliriously.)
LORD STILBORN
Well, that’s just about everything. Let’s turn it…it’s been a long day.
(The CREW marches in and chases everyone screaming offstage.)
Granny Torkelson Goes to Sea by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 5:
(SADIE, PONY, and LOLA enter cautiously.)
SADIE MANGO
I’m so disappointed in Dirk Stocker.
PONY SOLO
He’s impotent in the face of danger!
LOLA ALONA
All he wanted was to bunk down with us and steal our virtue.
SADIE MANGO
What an awful cruise. There are no princes on this boat and the crew’s gone crazy.
PONY SOLO
And the captain is an old woman high on drugs.
SADIE MANGO
(pointing)
Look…is that an island out there in the fog?
PONY SOLO
(peering hard)
I think so…uh-oh…there’s a reef right ahead of us!
LOLA ALONA
A reef! We’re going to run into it!
SADIE MANGO
Granny Torkelson is steering us straight into a reef!
(There is a horrible groaning sound as the Empress of Cache Creek runs aground on the reef. SADIE, PONY, and LOLA are thrown off their feet and lie there unconscious.)
End of Act Two, Scene 5.
Granny Torkelson Goes to Sea by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Three, Scene 1:
(GENERAL DISTURBANCE, LIEUTENANT BULLIT, and SERGEANT DECKER sneak onto the deck.)
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
Keep it down! Sergeant Decker, are those women alive or dead?
SERGEANT DECKER
(inspecting the unconscious school secretaries)
Alive, General Disturbance, but barely.
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
What do you make of this, Lieutenant Bullit?
LIEUTENANT BULLIT
I suspect it’s a terrorist plot of some sort, General Disturbance.
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
Sergeant Decker? Your opinion, please.
SERGEANT DECKER
I’d say someone was trying to use this ship as a giant missile to take out the island, General.
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
Where’s Private Here-and-there?
PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #1
(entering from stage left)
Here I am, General Disturbance!
(She exits stage left.)
SERGEANT DECKER
Where’d she go?
PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #2
(entering from stage right)
Here I am, Sergeant Decker!
(She exits stage right.)
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
She’s a slippery little devil.
LIEUTENANT BULLIT
You can say that again, General.
SERGEANT DECKER
Sometimes I could swear there’s two of her.
PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE # 1 and PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #2
(popping out from stage left and right and speaking in unison)
Here I am, General Disturbance!
(They pop offstage again.)
SERGEANT DECKER
See what I mean?
LIEUTENANT BULLIT
Perhaps we’re hallucinating.
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
Perhaps. Private Here-and-there!
PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #1
(entering from stage right)
Yes, General Disturbance?
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
Go to the wheelhouse and arrest whoever was driving this cruise ship.
PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE
#1 Right away, Sir.
(She exits stage right.)
PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #2
(entering from stage left)
Are you sure you want me to go alone, General?
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
Of course I’m sure. You’re just as good as two men, Private Here-and-there.
PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #2
Thankyou, Sir!
(She exits stage left.)
PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #1
(entering from stage right)
Thank you, Sir!
(She exits stage right.)
SERGEANT DECKER
Are you sure Private Here-and-there isn’t actually two people, General?
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
How can we be sure of anything, Sergeant Decker? After all, here we are on a cruise ship on a reef in the middle of the Atlantic with three unconscious school secretaries.
LIEUTENANT BULLIT
I’m sure I’m me, General.
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
What makes you so sure, Lieutenant Bullit?
LIEUTENANT BULLIT
I can smell myself.
SERGEANT DECKER
Perhaps what you smell is spray-on odour designed to fool you into thinking you’re yourself, Lieutenant.
LIEUTENANT BULLIT
But why would I spray myself with odour that smells like me?
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
To convince whoever you are that you’re you when you’re really someone else.
SERGEANT DECKER
For a long time, I thought I was me. Now I know better.
LIEUTENANT BULLIT
How did you discover that you weren’t you, Sergeant?
SERGEANT DECKER
I looked in the mirror and saw myself looking back at me, so obviously I couldn’t be me if I was looking at myself.
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
That was just your reflection, Sergeant.
SERGEANT DECKER
But if I’m my reflection, the person in the mirror is me.
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
Shut up. You’re bothering me.
SERGEANT DECKER
If you are you.
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
Shut up.
SERGEANT DECKER
Yes, Sir.
(PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #1 enters from stage right with GRANNY TORKELSON under arrest.)
PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #1
I caught this one in the wheelhouse, General, slumped over the wheel.
GRANNY TORKELSON
Why are you tormenting me?
(She breaks free and runs off stage left. Private Hear-and-there # 1 goes offstage right, as PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #2 brings GRANNY TORKELSON back onstage from offstage left.)
PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #2
Don’t try that again, old woman.
GRANNY TORKELSON
How did you do that?
PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #2
It’s a military secret.
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
Hold her, Sergeant Decker.
SERGEANT DECKER
That might not really be her, General, but I’ll hold whoever it is anyway.
(She seizes GRANNY TORKELSON.)
GRANNY TORKELSON
Who are you? You’re not Tommy the Tugboat! What do you want with me?
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
Some straight answers. Looks to me like you’re a terrorist.
GRANNY TORKELSON
A terrorist! I’m Granny Torkelson!
SERGEANT DECKER
Sure, you say you’re Granny Torkelson, but what if you’re not…What if you’re a low-down, sneaking, dirty, rotten little terrorist who’s trying to blow up our secret military installation of Fog Island!
LIEUTENANT BULLIT
Enough, Sergeant Decker. You’ve told her too much.
PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #1
(entering from stage right)
Here I am, General Decker!
(She exits.)
PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #2
(entering from stage left)
Here I am, General Decker!
(She exits.)
GRANNY TORKELSON
Fog Island! Secret military installation! A soldier that’s split in two! BETHANY! NURSE WULLYBULLY! I’M GOING MAD!
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
Stop that shouting!
PRIVATES HERE-AND-THERE #1 and #2
(entering from stage left and right simultaneously)
Here I am! Hear I am! Hear I am!
(They exit simultaneously. GRANNY TORKELSON screams and screams. BETHANY is brought in by PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #1 from stage right.)
PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #1
Here she is.
(She throws down BETHANY and exits.)
(NURSE WULLYBULLY is brought in by PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #2 from stage left.)
PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #2
Here she is.
(She throws down NURSE WULLYBULLY and exits stage left.)
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE and NURSE WULLYBULLY
How does she do that?
GRANNY TORKELSON
Bethany Scrummage! Nurse Wullybully! Thank heavens! I thought I was insane.
NURSE WULLYBULLY
You are a bad person, Granny Torkelson.
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
You crashed us into a coral reef and now soldiers are roughing as up as if we were common terrorists.
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
You are terrorists. Guilt is written on your faces.
SERGEANT DECKER
If you looked at yourselves in a mirror right now, you’d see yourself looking back at yourself, and if you could figure out which one of you was you, you’d soon get to feeling guilty because you tried to blow up Fog Island!
GRANNY TORKELSON
But I’m just Granny Torkelson. I have lumbago and I fed albacore tuna to the crew and they went crazy and the passengers made me the captain and the ship crashed into a reef knocking everyone unconscious and now I’m under arrest for terrorism!
LIEUTENANT BULLIT
Albacore tuna! Did you hear that, General Disturbance?
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
Indeed I did, Lieutenant Bullit. Indeed I did.
LIEUTENANT BULLIT
She must have got one of our tunas, General.
SERGEANT DECKER
It must have been Sparky, General. He got away from the pen a couple of days ago.
LIEUTENANT BULLIT
These women know too much. We should deep-six them right now, General.
GRANNY TORKELSON, BETHANY SCRUMMAGE, NURSE WULLYBULLY
(in unison)
No! Don’t deep-six us! Spare us! Spare us!
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
Then start talking.
GRANNY TORKELSON
I have talked, but you won’t listen!
(The CREW of the Empress of Cache Creek march in and bonk the GENERAL, LIEUTENANT, and SERGEANT on the heads, knocking them unconscious, and exit. PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #1 enters from the right. The CREW reappears and pursues her. She exits right after a chase. PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #2 enters from the left. The CREW, who are constantly onstage throughout all this, chase her around until she exits stage left. PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #1 now enters again from stage right and is cornered and bonked on the head, so she passes out. The CREW exits.)
GRANNY TORKELSON
Let’s steal the General’s boat and run away to the island!
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
Anything’s better than staying here in this madhouse!
NURSE WULLYBULLY
Feet, do your thing!
(All three exit as the three SECRETARIES revive.)
SADIE MANGO
Ohhh, I must have bonked my head and passed out!
PONY SOLO
Me too. Look at those soldiers lying there!
LOLA ALONA
Where’d they come from?
SADIE MANGO
Probably from that island over there.
PONY SOLO
Are they dead?
LOLA ALONA
(checking them out)
No, just unconscious.
SADIE MANGO
Let’s go get help!
(They exit.)
Granny Torkelson Goes to Sea by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Three, Scene 2:
(VIC VOMIT and MICKEY SPITTLE enter.)
VIC VOMIT
I’ve had enough chaos for one day.
MICKEY SPITTLE
Crashing into that reef was a little too much excitement.
VIC VOMIT
What have we here?
MICKEY SPITTLE
Some dead grunts!
VIC VOMIT
(going to GENERAL DISTURBANCE)
Well, I’ll be a sweaty dancer! This is my sister Helen!
MICKEY SPITTLE
Your sister? I didn’t know you had a sister!
VIC VOMIT
I disowned her when she joined the army. Looks like she made general.
MICKEY SPITTLE
Is she dead?
VIC VOMIT
No. Nothing can kill her. Once I ran over her foot with my Dad’s Toyota and she didn’t even make a squeak.
MICKEY SPITTLE
How do you suppose they all got here?
VIC VOMIT
Off that island over there in the fog.
MICKEY SPITTLE
Those crazy sailors must have knocked them out.
VIC VOMIT
Looks like a war zone. It’s frigging beautiful.
(LORD STILBORN enters with TOFFEE NIBBLES, TIFFANY, and VERONICA.)
LORD STILBORN
We’ve been invaded by unconscious soldiers!
TOFFEE NIBBLES
‘Ow’d they get ‘ere?
VIC VOMIT
(indicating Fog Island)
From that island.
TOFFEE NIBBLES
(seeing SERGEANT DECKER)
Lord save us! Can it be?
LORD STILBORN
What is it, Toffee?
TOFFEE NIBBLES
(going to SERGEANT DECKER)
It’s me old Mum!
MICKEY SPITTLE
Your mom?
TOFFEE NIBBLES
Me old mum wot emmigrated to Canada when I wuz a littul bye-bee, leavin’ me wif moi poor old dad! I’d know ‘er anywhere, from me dad’s picshures!
LORD STILBORN
Well, she’s an unconscious sergeant now, Toffee.
TOFFEE NIBBLES
Poor old bit of boot. I can’t ‘elp feeling sorry for ‘er, lying there loik that.
TIFFANY STILBORN
She’s not dead, Toffee.
VERONICA RUBBISH
No need to be such a baby about it.
TIFFANY STILBORN
She’s just your mum, and we’ve all got one of those, now don’t we, even if they’re dead like mine.
VERONICA RUBBISH
And after all, she abandoned you.
LORD STILBORN
(going to PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #1)
Good lord!
VIC VOMIT
What now?
LORD STILBORN
It’s my wife, Lady Stilborn…Tiffany’s mother! She disappeared into the Canadian wilderness just after giving birth to Tiffany.
TOFFEE NIBBLES
Cor! The army must’ve found her and adopted her, yor Lordship.
LORD STILBORN
Yes, and made her work on that foggy island over there.
TIFFANY STILBORN
That’s Mummy?
VERONICA RUBBISH
Oh, Tiffany, your mummy’s come back from the dead like a vampire!
(BERNICE WELCH enters with VELVET WELCH.)
BERNICE WELCH
That’s it! I demand a refund, even if I didn’t pay for this cruise in the first place!
VELVET WELCH
Mom, can’t you see that we’re in the middle of a huge crisis?
BERNICE WELCH
My personal crisis is more important than anything else, Velvet.
(Seeing LIEUTENANT BULLIT)
What the heck! It’s my husband Buck Bullit! What’s he doing here? He’s supposed to be dead!
VELVET WELCH
Daddy? Oh, Mom, maybe he’s dead!
TIFFANY STILBORN
Don’t be stupid, Velvet.
VERONICA RUBBISH
They’re all just unconscious, Velvet.
BERNICE WELCH
I thought he died when I accidentally pushed him off Niagara Falls fifteen years ago, when Velvet was a bun in my oven.
MICKEY SPITTLE
It’s like a frigging homecoming!
(DIRK STOCKER enters.)
DIRK STOCKER
Oh, my head. All I wanted was to get lucky, and I’ve almost gotten dead!
(SADIE, PONY, and LOLA enter with DOCTOR FULBRAIN and POLLY CUDDLES.)
SADIE MANGO
Here they are, Doctor Fulbrain.
PONY SOLO
Can you do anything for them?
LOLA ALONA
Or are they too far gone?
POLLY CUDDLES
You’ve got to try, Doctor Fulbrain, even though your head took a beating!
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
(inspecting the fallen soldiers)
All they need is a kiss from someone who loves them, and they’ll recover.
LORD STILBORN
I say! That should be easy enough. Lord knows, I love Lady Stilborn here.
VIC VOMIT
I guess I could give Helen a peck, because even though I don’t like her, I love her, eh?
TOFFEE NIBBLES
I’ll be ‘appy to give me old mum a smooch on the chops!
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
Then do it!
BERNICE WELCH
Wait a minute! I’m not kissing Buck Bullit unless someone pays me to do it!
VELVET WELCH
Do it for me, Mom. When he comes back to life, I’ll go and live with him.
BERNICE WELCH
Deal!
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
Kiss them! Kiss them! You don’t want them to suffer brain damage from too much unconsciousness, do you!
(TOFFEE, LORD STILBORN, VIC, and BERNICE kiss the unconscious soldiers, who revive and leap to their feet, instantly recognizing their lost loved ones.)
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
Vic! My long lost brother who disowned me!
SERGEANT DECKER
Toffee! My little girl!
TOFFEE NIBBLES
Wot ‘appened to yer accent, Ma?
SERGEANT DECKER
I’ve learned to speak Canadian, eh!
PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE # 1
Nemo! Nemo, is that you?
LORD STILBORN
Yes, it’s me, Shelby! Oh, how I’ve missed your warm bosom!
TIFFANY STILBORN
You’re my mummy!
VERONICA RUBBISH
You’re not my mummy. I’m Tiffany’s friend Veronica Rubbish.
LIEUTENANT BULLIT
Bernice? The last time I saw you, I was standing on the brink of Niagara Falls on our honeymoon!
BERNICE WELCH
Don’t remind me.
LIEUTENANT BULLIT
And I thought you pushed me off because you didn’t love me! I changed my name and started a new life!
VELVET WELCH
Mom says it was an accident, Dad!
LIEUTENANT BULLIT
I have a daughter?
BERNICE WELCH
She’s all yours, Bucky.
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
Well, I don’t know what to make of all this!
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
That’s because you’re not a Professor of Everything, but I am!
POLLY CUDDLES
This is Doctor Fulbrain. Isn’t he wonderful!
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
Oh, now, Polly, how can I be wonderful? I have a head full of everything, even awful things!
POLLY CUDDLES
But I love you, Doctor Fulbrain! Whoops, I didn’t expect to say that!
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
I know you do, darling. I know everything. Let’s get married.
POLLY CUDDLES
Oh, Doctor Fulbrain, you mean everything to me!
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
Sorry to break up this lovefest, but your ship was hijacked by a terrorist called Granny Torkelson, who was trying to ram our top-secret island where we were doing experiments on tunafish.
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
That tuna the crew ate contained toxins ingested while it was in a tank on that island.
(The CREW enter like robots on the march and collapse on the deck. The others draw back in fear.)
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
Don’t worry, the toxins are almost out of their systems!
(GRANNY TORKELSON enters on the run, accompanied by BETHANY and NURSE WULLYBULLY.)
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
Granny Torkelson pushed the self-destruct button in the command centre on the island! It started a countdown!
GRANNY TORKELSON
I didn’t mean to. It was just such a nice, shiny red button!
NURSE WULLYBULLY
You are a bad person, Granny Torkelson!
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
The island’s going to blow at any moment!
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
Everyone take cover!
(They all throw themselves down and there is a tremendous explosion. They roll about as if blown around like leaves. The explosion fades and they sit up, even the CREW.)
GRANNY TORKELSON
The ship’s moving! The blast must have dislodged it from the reef!
CAPTAIN SPINACH
What’s going on? Why are we all lying on the deck?
BETHANY SCRUMMAGE
Captain Spinach, you’re back!
CAPTAIN SPINACH
Where did I go?
GRANNY TORKELSON
You ate tuna and turned into a nutball, Captain Spinach, and so did your crew.
FIRST MATE KIPPER
Aye, Cap’n. I sort of remember marching about and bonking people on the head.
ABLE SEAMAN TURTLE
It was a nightmare of the first order, Cap’n, the worst I ever had.
ABLE SEAMAN SCUTTLE
Aye, what a nightmare it was! It almost makes me wish I could marry a landlubber and never go to sea again.
ABLE SEAWOMAN BROADSIDE
After all that, I too wouldn’t mind lashing myself to a landlubber for the rest of me days.
DIRK STOCKER
I’d like a shot at winning your hand, Able Seawoman Broadside. I promise to try to stop being all oily and nasty and cheap and false and cowardly.
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
Well, you’ll all have to pick someone on this ship to be your mate, for we shall never go back to port.
LIEUTENANT BULLIT
We all know too much, and we’ve done too much damage.
SERGEANT DECKER
The army will be looking for us, if we really are us, and when they find us, they’ll put us all in a military jail until we rot.
PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #1
Our only hope is to escape on this ship while she’s still floating.
GENERAL DISTURBANCE
We’ll find an uncharted island, and scuttle the ship.
LIEUTENANT BULLIT
We’ll live out our days there, producing offspring and eating fish that is toxin-free.
SERGEANT DECKER
It’s all Granny Torkelson’s fault, if she really is Granny Torkelson, but we must try to forgive her.
PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #1
Look at her! Anyone could tell she feels bad about what she’s done!
PRIVATE HERE-AND-THERE #2
(popping out from stage left)
Yes, look at her! Poor Granny Torkelson!
SERGEANT DECKER
Private Here-and-there really is two people! I suppose we all are!
GRANNY TORKELSON
None of this was my fault! It was my lumbago! My cursed disease is to blame!
DOCTOR FULBRAIN
I will cure your lumbago with herbs from our new island home.
SADIE MANGO
At least we won’t have to be secretaries at Pompom Secondary anymore!
PONY and LOLA
(in unison)
Anything’s better than that!
CAPTAIN SPINACH
Look! The albatross!
FIRST MATE KIPPER
It wants to lead us to a new home!
THE WHOLE CAST
(in unison)
Hurray!
(Guano falls in GRANNY TORKELSON’s eyes.)
GRANNY TORKELSON
Agghhh! Guano! It burns! It burns!
THE REST OF THE CAST
(in unison)
Oh, Granny Torkelson!
(The CAST makes a curtain call as jaunty nautical music plays.)
END OF THE PLAY.