Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2007
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 45 minutes.
• style: satirical realism
• suitable for general audiences
• 25 characters (17 female, 8 male)
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Mobbrat Elementary” examines the antics of a diverse group of primary school children as they playfully test each other’s boundaries during a noon hour in May.
(This play was first performed on May 4, 7, 8, 9, & 14, in the year 2007, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
Go to:
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Scene 5
Scene 6
Scene 7
Scene 8
∗Published Online by Good School Plays, March 21, 2015.
CHARACTERS:
The Teachers
Mrs. Hortensia Oldpistle, 58, veteran teacher
Miss Sherry Sooflay, 23, brand new teacher
The Supervisors
Mrs. Krauber, 44, noon hour supervisor
Mrs. Gussy Jollybelt, 62, noon hour supervisor
Grade 3 Girls
Nina Thornville, 8
Minka Kossavanian, 8
Lynette Byrd, 8
Wendy Gort, 8
Calista Ford, 8
Grade 3 Boys
Benjy Zoot, 8
Dallas Kraft, 8
Nathan Rochelle, 8
Grade 2 Girls
Baby Jalkin, 7
Tabatha Monique, 7
Carnation Laurence, 7
Valery Horsefelt, 7
Nonny Bifteck, 7
Grade 2 Boys
Hector Comstock, 7
William Napper, 7
Buster Best, 7
Grade 1 Girls
Mary Sendoff, 6
Brandy Watts, 6
Lotus McManus, 6
Ingrid Wassle, 6
Debby Pincher, 6
Grade 1 Boys
Cort Winchester, 6
Zack Cooder, 6
Mobbrat Elementary by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 1:
SETTING: Mobbrat Elementary School playground, just before noon.
AT RISE: MRS. JOLLYBELT is onstage, with her binoculars, birdwatching. She has a fairly capacious bag slung over her shoulder.
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
(in a reverential whisper)
Bless my soul! A silver-crested nut-hatch!
(She lowers her binocular, consults her watch, takes out her little notepad and pencil from her bag, and writes, speaking the words aloud.)
GUSSY JOLLBELT
Silver-crested nut-hatch, 11:57 a.m., May 11th, Mobbrat Elementary schoolyard.
(She puts the notepad and pencil away and raises her binoculars to resume watching as LOIS KRAUBER enters. She’s smoking.)
LOIS KRAUBER
Watchin’ birds again, Mrs. Jollybelt?
(The nut-hatch, startled by MRS. KRAUBER’S loud presence, flies off. MRS. JOLLYBELT tries to trace its flight with her binoculars, but gives up.)
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
(turning to MRS. KRAUBER)
Not just any bird, Mrs. Krauber…a silver-crested nut-hatch! I’m afraid you frightened the poor thing off.
LOIS KRAUBER
Ah, what the hell. The bell’s going to ring any second anyway.
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
Yes, yes, you’re right. No nut-hatch in its right mind would stay put in a schoolyard full of noisy children.
LOIS KRAUBER
I wouldn’t hang around here either if I wasn’t paid to do it. I hate this job.
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
Twenty dollars a day is enough to make you do something you hate?
LOIS KRAUBER
(looking at her cigarette)
It keeps me in smokes.
(She takes one last drag, drops it, and crushes it with her foot.)
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
Really, Mrs. Krauber, you shouldn’t leave your butts all over the schoolyard.
(MRS. JOLLYBELT takes out a plastic grocery bag from her large bag, picks up the butt with obvious disgust, and puts it in the bag, then returns the bag to her big bag.)
LOIS KRAUBER
(as MRS. JOLLYBELT works)
Oh, don’t make such a fuss, Mrs. Jollybelt. They don’t hurt anyone.
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
Because I pick them up. And the principal herself warned you not to smoke on school property.
LOIS KRAUBER
If I don’t smoke I get cranky, and no one likes a cranky noon-hour supervisor, now do they?
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
You puff away on your cigarettes, but you seem rather “cranky” anyway.
LOIS KRAUBER
You wouldn’t want to mess with me after a couple of hours of “cold turkey”.
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
No, I don’t suppose I would.
(The bell rings.)
End of Scene 1.
Mobbrat Elementary by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 2:
(As the children run in, the supervisors move among them, watching, warning, etc. The children wear t-shirts that are colour-matched to their grade level.)
(Grade three girls NINA THORNVILLE and MINKA KOSSAVANIAN, in skirts, run across the stage from down right to up left, where they whisper things about other kids into each other’s ears and giggle.)
(Grade three girls LYNETTE BYRD, WENDY GORT, and CALISTA FORD, enter from downstage left and run to upstage right, where they play with a stuffed toy, throwing it to each other like a ball.)
(Grade three boys BENJY ZOOT, DALLAS KRAFT, and NATHAN ROCHELLE enter from upstage right and run downstage left, where they play with tiny toy cars.)
(Grade two girls BABY JALKIN, TABATHA MONIQUE, and CARNATION LAURENCE enter from upstage left and run downstage right where they take turns skipping rope, with BABY and TABATHA spinning the rope while CARNATION hops.)
BABY and TABATHA
(chanting)
Down by the river, down by the sea,
Johnny broke a bottle and blamed it on me.
I told ma, ma told pa,
Johnny got a spanking so ha ha ha.
How many spankings did Johnny get?
1, 2, 3, 4….(etc)
(This goes on until CARNATION makes a mistake. Then TABATHA takes a turn etc.)
(Grade two girls VALERY HORSEFDELT and NONNY BIFTECK, wearing pants and t-shirts, enter from mid-stage right, and run to upstage centre where they play hopscotch.)
(Grade two boys HECTOR COMSTOCK, WILLIAM NAPPER, and BUSTER BEST enter from mid-stage left. They play hide-and-seek, HECTOR and WILLIAM hiding while BUSTER covers his eyes, then looks for them.)
(Grade One girls MARY SENDOFF and BRANDY WATTS enter from downstage right, with Mary chasing Brandy in a two-person game of tag in and among everyone else.)
(Grade One girls LOTUS McMANUS, INGRID WASSLE, and DEBBY PINCHER enter from downstage left and move through the schoolyard playing “follow the leader”, with LOTUS leading, and INGRID and DEBBY copying everything she does.)
(Grade One boys CORT WINCHESTER and ZACK KOODER enter from upstage right, pretending to be airplanes with arms outstretched, running amongst the others in the schoolyard.)
(After everyone is onstage and busy, a bell rings and they exit in the same order as they entered, until the schoolyard is empty again, leaving only the two supervisors.)
End of Scene 2.
Mobbrat Elementary by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 3:
LOIS KRAUBER
Good. They’ve gone in to eat their lunches in the rumpus room.
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
They’ll be back soon. The teachers don’t want them inside on a nice day.
LOIS KRAUBER
I need a smoke.
(LOIS takes out a cigarette, lights it and puffs as MRS. OLDPISTLE enters with MISS SOOFLAY.)
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
Mrs. Krauber, put that out this instant!
(LOIS KRAUBER drops her smoke and squishes it with her foot. MRS. JOLLYBELT takes out her grocery bag and picks up the butt as the dialogue continues.)
LOIS KRAUBER
I was just having a quick puff, Mrs. Oldpistle.
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
What if the children saw you?
LOIS KRAUBER
They didn’t.
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
What if they did?
LOIS KRAUBER
But they didn’t!
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
(rummaging in her bag and producing a “Fisherman’s Friend”)
Oh, now, Mrs. Krauber, have a “Fisherman’s Friend”. It’ll serves as a substitute fag.
(LOIS KRAUBER takes it.)
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
Please don’t use the word “fag”, Mrs. Jollybelt…it may mean “cigarette” to you, but to the children it means something else entirely.
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
You’re within your rights to tell Mrs. Krauber to butt out, Mrs. Oldpistle, but you can’t tell me not to say the word “fag” in an appropriate context.
SHERRY SOOFLAY
My English grandmother used to call cigarettes “fags”.
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
(remembering her mission)
This is Ms. Sherry Sooflay. She’s taking over the grade twos for poor Mrs. Lynch. Ms. Sooflay, these are our noon –hour supervisors Gussy Jollbelt and Lois Krauber.
LOIS KRAUBER
You look awful young to be a teacher, Ms. Sooflay.
SHERRY SOOFLAY
I graduated on an accelerated program.
LOIS KRAUBER
Mrs. Lynch was pretty smart too, but it didn’t save her from them grade twos.
SHERRY SOOFLAY
They seem rather nice, actually.
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
You’re in the “honeymoon period”. Things will be different once they’re used to you.
LOIS KRAUBER
You should have seen what they did to Mrs. Lynch. Poor woman.
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
She was a delicate soul.
SHERRY SOOFLAY
What exactly did they do to her, if you don’t mind me asking?
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
They wore her down, Ms. Sooflay…they wore her down. Enough said.
SHERRY SOOFLAY
I see. Well, I’m made of pretty stern stuff. They won’t wear me down so easily.
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
(rummaging in her bag)
That’s the spirit, Ms. Sooflay!
(pulling out a box of “Tic-Tacs”)
Have a “Tic-Tac”. There’s nothing like sweet breath to help a teacher make friends with the kiddies!
SHERRY SOOFLAY
(taking one and handing back the container)
Thanks awfully, Mrs. Jollybelt.
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
Is there anything you don’t have in that bag of yours, Mrs. Jollybelt? I swear, you could equip a regiment of soldiers for a six-month campaign with all the gewgaws you’ve got in there.
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
No guns or bullets, I assure you, Ms. Oldpistle.
SHERRY SOOFLAY
Could I have a peek?
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
Pardon?
SHERRY SOOFLAY
A peek in your bag! I’d love to see the mysteries within!
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
(hugging her bag protectively)
Sorry. The mysteries must stay mysterious.
LOIS KRAUBER
No big bag for me. Travel light, I always say.
SHERRY SOOFLAY
I think I shall do a unit on bags with the children.
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
Stick to the curriculum, Ms. Sooflay.
SHERRY SOOFLAY
There’s a bit of science, English, mathematics, and history, in everything, Mrs. Oldpistle, even an old bag.
(This makes LOIS KRAUBER and MRS. JOLLYBELT have a good laugh!)
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
Are you suggesting I’m an old bag?
LOIS KRAUBER
Can’t you take a joke, Mrs. Oldpistle?
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
Oh ho, ho! You are a bit like my bag, Mrs. Oldpistle, full of all sorts of silly old stuff!
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
Ms. Sooflay, I’m trying to help you get a solid start in teaching, and you repay me with mockery!
SHERRY SOOFLAY
No, no, Mrs. Hardpistle. I’m ever so grateful for your help. And after all, if you’re an old bag, I’m a young one. We’re all bags, really, full of the things we absorb as we live.
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
(to SHERRY)
My dear, you’re delightful!
LOIS KRAUBER
We need fresh young teachers like you around here!
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
Just don’t let me catch you smoking on school grounds again, Mrs. Krauber, or I’ll have to inform the principal.
(She exits.)
SHERRY SOOFLAY
I’m afraid I’ve made her angry.
LOIS KRAUBER
She’s always angry and the kids hate her.
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
Oh, now, Mrs. Krauber, she’s not so bad. Just a bit old-fashioned.
SHERRY SOOFLAY
She told me that she used to teach in a strict, no-nonsense private school.
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
(producing an apple from her bag)
She’s the sort of woman who might have done well in the army. An apple for the new teacher, Ms. Sooflay?
SHERRY SOOFLAY
Thank you, Mrs. Jollybelt.
LOIS KRAUBER
We’ll show you around, Ms. Sooflay. This is one of the spots reserved for the primary kids …the grade ones, twos, and threes.
(They begin to exit stage right.)
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
The kindergartners have their own zone, and so do the older children.
LOIS KRAUBER
It’s our job to monitor the entire school grounds. Mission impossible!
(They complete their exit.)
End of Scene 3.
Mobbrat Elementary by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 4:
(NINA THORNVILLE enters with MINKA KOSSAVANIAN from downstage left.)
NINA THORNVILLE
Lynette’s sandwich was gross.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
It smelled like a sock.
NINA THORNVILLE
Her hair’s funny.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
That’s ‘cause her mom’s poor.
(BENJY ZOOT runs on, chased by DALLAS KRAFT and NATHAN ROCHELLE)
BENJY ZOOT
Hee, hee, hee, can’t catch me!
DALLAS KRAFT
Gonna getcha, Benjy! Gonna getcha real good!
NATHAN ROCHELLE
Punch ya in the head ‘til yer dead, dead, dead!
NINA THORNVILLE
Hi, Nathan!
NATHAN ROCHELLE
(looking at her as if she’s a Martian)
Hey, stupid Nina!
(The boys rush off, with DALLAS and NATHAN still pursuing BENJY.)
NINA THORNVILLE
Do you think Nathan likes me?
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
Let’s play doobiddy dee and see!
(MINKA puts out her left hand palm down, and NINA puts her right hand on top and chants with her. After the first word, MINKA puts her right hand on top of NINA’S, and after the second, NINA puts her left hand on top of MINKA’S and so on, rhythmically. By the end, MINKA’S hand is on top, meaning she wins.)
MINKA and NINA
Doobiddy, doobiddy, doobiddy, dee!
Nathan, Nathan, one two three!
Dobiddy, doobiddy, doobiddy, dee!
I love him and he loves me!
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
I win! He likes me, Nina!
NINA THORNVILLE
(angry)
I hate that stupid game.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
Only babies get mad.
NINA THORNVILLE
Quit it, Minka.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
All right. I’ll tell you a secret if you like.
NINA THORNVILLE
(brightening)
Sure!
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
Wendy Gort’s daddy’s gonna go to jail.
NINA THORNVILLE
Minka!
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
It’s true ‘cause my mom told me.
NINA THORNVILLE
Did he rob a bank?
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
No, he stole a whole lot of money from his boss.
NINA THORNVILLE
Like a thousand dollars?
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
Or a million. A whole lot.
NINA THORNVILLE
Wendy Gort’s dad is a thief.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
That’s right. A bad guy, like on TV or a movie.
NINA THORNVILLE
I hate Wendy. She thinks she’s smart.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
She won the story contest and you didn’t!
NINA THORNVILLE
It’s not funny.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
Yes it is! Your story was about a stupid bunny!
NINA THORNVILLE
So?
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
So who cares about some stupid bunny?
NINA THORNVILLE
Quit it, Minka, or I won’t be your friend!
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
I’ll tell you another secret.
NINA THORNVILLE
All right.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
Calista Ford pees in her bed.
NINA THORNVILLE
How do you know?
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
‘Cause she gets to go to the washroom without asking ‘cause her mom talked to the teacher and she goes a thousand times a day so she’s got to pee in her bed too, doesn’t she?
NINA THORNVILLE
I guess.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
Figure it out, Nina.
(ZACK KOODER runs in with CORT WINCHESTER following him. Zack has a toy.)
CORT WINCHESTER
Give me back my toy, Zack!
ZACK KOODER
Come and get it, Cort, Cort, the big fat wart!
(CORT runs off, pursued by ZACK)
NINA THORNVILLE
Grade ones are so immature.
(LYNETTE BYRD, WENDY GORT, and CALISTA FORD enter. LYNETTE has the stuffed toy they played with earlier.)
LYNETTE BYRD
I feel kinda sick from my sandwich.
WENDY GORT
It smelled funny, Lynette.
CALISTA FORD
Maybe Dallas Kraft put poison in it.
LYNETTE BYRD
Why would he do that?
CALISTA FORD
‘Cause he’s mean.
(MARY SENDOFF and BRANDY WATTS run across, hand-in hand. When they get to midstage, they stop and whisper and giggle, then run off hand-in-hand.)
NINA THORNVILLE
Stupid grade ones.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
(crossing to LYNETTE with NINA)
Where’d you get that stuffed toy, Lynette?
LYNETTE BYRD
Why?
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
It’s cute in a creepy sort of way.
WENDY GORT
Her mom gave it to her for her birthday.
NINA THORNVILLE
It looks old.
CALISTA FORD
That’s ‘cause it’s an antique.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
It’s from the thrift store.
LYNETTE BYRD
How do you know?
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
I saw it when my mom and me took some clothes there for poor people.
NINA THORNVILLE
It’s probably got slobber on it from some little kid.
LYNETTE BYRD
Shut up, Nina!
NINA THORNVILLE
I’m just telling the truth.
WENDY GORT
(to Lynette)
Nina’s just mad ‘cause she didn’t get to go to your birthday party.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
Is that why your sandwich smelled funny, Lynette?
LYNETTE BYRD
What?
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
Well, it was probably an old one left over from your party, right?
LYNETTE BYRD
No it wasn’t.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
Then why did it smell?
CALISTA FORD
‘Cause Dallas Kraft put something bad on it, Minka.
WENDY GORT
Lynette’s stomach hurts.
NINA THORNVILLE
Well, she ate a smelly sandwich, didn’t she?
LYNETTE BYRD
I didn’t know it was poison.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
Smelly things are always poisonous.
(LOTUS McMANUS, INGRID WASSLE, and DEBBY PINCHER run in laughing. When they get midstage they join hands and make a circle, then spin around chanting.)
LOTUS, INGRID, and DEBBY
Spinning in a circle
Round and round
Shot by a sniper
Fall on the ground!
(They fall down, laughing, then get up and run off.)
NINA THORNVILLE
What a dumb game.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
(shifting her focus to WENDY)
Is your dad at home, Wendy?
WENDY GORT
He’s at work, Minka.
NINA THORNVILLE
But not at his old job, right?
WENDY GORT
What do you care?
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
Don’t get mad at Nina. She’s just worried about you.
WENDY GORT
No she’s not.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
Sure she is, and I am too.
CALISTA FORD
Why are you worried about her?
NINA THORNVILLE
Well, it’s hard to be happy if your daddy’s in trouble or something.
LYNETTE BYRD
Is your dad in trouble, Wendy?
WENDY GORT
No.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
I guess you’re kind of ashamed or something, Wendy, but we’re your friends.
WENDY GORT
You’re not my friend, Minka.
NINA THORNVILLE
Don’t be mean, Wendy, just ‘cause your dad did something bad.
CALISTA FORD
What did he do?
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
Ask Wendy.
(HECTOR COMSTOCK, WILLIAM NAPPER, and BUSTER BEST run in and chant at the girls.)
HECTOR, WILLIAM, and BUSTER
Girls are ugly
Girls are fat
Put ‘em in a cage
With a big fat rat!
(CALISTA and LYNETTE run at the boys, who run away laughing.)
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
(shifting her focus to CALISTA)
Is there any toilet paper left in the girls’ washroom, Calista?
CALISTA FORD
I don’t know.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN Sure you do. You’ve been in there lots today.
CALISTA FORD
Go look for yourself.
NINA THORNVILLE
Why? Just tell us.
WENDY GORT
There’s toilet paper in there, Nina.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
But it’s not very nice toilet paper. All scratchy and rough. You should bring your own special rolls from home, Calista.
NINA THORNVILLE
Yeah, ‘cause you use so much.
LYNETTE BYRD
She doesn’t have to.
NINA THORNVILLE
No one said she did.
(MRS. OLDPISTLE enters.)
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
Minka! Nina!
NINA THORNVILLE
Hi, Mrs. Oldpistle!
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
Me and Nina were just helping Calista with her special problem.
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
Not “me and Nina”, Minka….it’s, “Nina and I…”
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN Nina and I…
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
Good. Now I want you two to help me photocopy the arithmetic test.
LYNETTE BYRD
But they’ll see the questions, Mrs. Oldpistle.
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
Lynette, are you accusing Minka and Nina of cheating?
LYNETTE BYRD
No, but they’ll see.
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
(to MINKA and NINA)
Will you peek at the questions, girls?
MINKA and NINA
No, Mrs. Oldpistle.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
We’ll squidge up our eyes like this so we can’t see!
(MINKA squidges her eyes and face.)
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
(to LYNETTE, WENDY, and CALISTA)
When girls like Minka and Nina give their word, it means something.
(MRS. OLDPISTLE exits with MINKA and NINA.)
WENDY GORT
Now I’ve got a tummy ache too!
CALISTA FORD
I hate this school.
(VALERY HORSEFELT and NONNY BIFTECK run in among LYNETTE, WENDY, and CALISTA.)
VALERY HORSEFELT
(as she and Valery mime chopping at the girls )
Chop you with axes! Chop your heads!
NONNY BIFTECK
(chopping her mime axe with extreme viscousness)
Chop, chop, chop, ‘til you’re dead, dead, dead!
LYNETTE BYRD
Leave us alone, stupid grade twos!
(NONNY and VALERY run off, laughing.)
End of Scene 4.
Mobbrat Elementary by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 5:
(BENJY ZOOT, DALLAS KRAFT, and NATHAN ROCHELLE run in and NATHAN grabs LYNETTE’S stuffed toy. The boys toss it to one another, trying to get the girls to react, but they just stand in a dejected clump. Finally, the boys stop throwing the stuffed toy. NATHAN holds it.)
NATHAN ROCHELLE
(to the girls)
What’s the matter?
DALLAS KRAFT
Don’t you care about your little stuffed friend?
BENJY ZOOT
Maybe we should throw it in the dumpster.
WENDY GORT
It’s Lynette’s birthday present from her mom.
CALISTA FORD
Don’t be so mean.
NATHAN ROCHELLE
(looking at the stuffed toy and speaking kindly)
What’s its stupid name?
LYNETTE BYRD
Dimple.
DALLAS KRAFT
Dimple the pimple!
BENJY ZOOT
Dimple the pimple and Lynette the sweat!
NATHAN ROCHELLE
Shut up, you guys!
(Going to Lynette, NATHAN hands her the stuffed toy. She snatches it away from him.)
NATHAN ROCHELLE
We’re only teasing.
BENJY ZOOT
(starting a teasing schoolyard rhyme)
Nathan and Lynette
Hiding in the park
Eating penny candy
‘Til the sky gets dark…
BENJY and DALLAS
(together)
He says, “Ya want some?”
She says, “Maybe!”
In goes a Tootsie Roll
And out comes a baby!
NATHAN ROCHELLE
(chasing them as they chant at him)
Oh yeah? You want a Tootsie Roll up your nose, Benjy?
(During the chase, the girls get scattered and there is general mayhem. BENJY and DALLAS taunt NATHAN with more schoolyard rhymes as they race around.)
BENJY ZOOT
Can’t catch me, you stupid old flea!
DALLAS KRAFT
Catch me if you can, you dirty old man!
BENJY and DALLAS
(together)
Catch us, catch us,
Catch us if you can!
We’ll put your old lady
In a frying pan.
We’ll cook her on a bicycle
And eat her on a bus,
But you won’t get a bite
Cause you can’t catch us!
(Finally, NATHAN catches BENJY, throws him down and stands over him.)
NATHAN ROCHELLE
Take it back, Benjy!
BENJY ZOOT
What? What?
NATHAN ROCHELLE
What you said about me and Lynette.
BENJY ZOOT
I never said nothing.
(NATHAN throws himself on BENJY and the two roll around. The others call out, overlapping one another.)
DALLAS KRAFT
Knee him in the crotch, Benjy!
CALISTA FORD
Punch the little pecker in the face, Nathan!
LYNETTE BYRD
Don’t hurt him, Nathan!
WENDY GORT
Kill him, Nathan! Choke his neck!
DALLAS KRAFT
Hit him, Benjy! Hit him in the head!
CALISTA FORD
Punch him! Punch him ‘til he bleeds, Nathan!
LYNETTE BYRD
Stop it! Stop it! You’ll get in trouble!
WENDY GORT
Push his eyeballs out, Nathan! Squish his head!
DALLAS KRAFT
Use your fists, Benjy! Pound his face in!
CALISTA FORD
Kill him, Nathan! Kick his brains out!
LYNETTE BYRD
Nathan, Nathan, don’t fight, please don’t fight!
WENDY GORT
Punch him in the gut, Nathan, make him puke!
DALLAS KRAFT
Punch him, Benjy! Come on, punch his lights out!
CALISTA FORD
Bite his face, Nathan! Rip his nose off!
LYNETTE BYRD
Somebody stop them! They’re hurting each other!
WENDY GORT
Bite his throat, Nathan! Make him bleed!
(BABY JALKIN, TABATHA MONIQUE, and CARNATION LAURENCE run in, yelling in overlapping voices.)
BABY JALKIN
Fighting! Fighting! Yayyyyyyyyy!
TABATHA MONIQUE
Punch and kick and bite and slap and rip and smash!
CARNATION LAURENCE
Kick him in the crotch! Smash him in the teeth!
(As the hubbub continues, LOIS KRAUBER and MRS. JOLLYBELT rush in from one side, and MRS. OLDPISTLE and MISS SOOFLAY, followed by MINKA and NINA, from another.)
SHERRY SOOFLAY
Oh, my goodness!
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
Mrs. Krauber, Mrs. Jollybelt, sort them out!
LOIS KRAUBER
Hey now, that’s enough!
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
You lads stop this instant!
(They begin to pull NATHAN and BENJY apart, with LOIS KRAUBER taking BENJY, and MRS. JOLLYBELT taking NATHAN.)
LOIS KRAUBER
Come on, now, Benjy, let’s get you sorted out…
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
Nathan, Nathan, control yourself!
(Finally, the two boys are seperated, and after a moment it becomes clear that the fight has gone out of them, so LOIS KRAUBER and MRS. JOLLYBELT release them.)
LOIS KRAUBER
You grade twos know better than to watch fights. Baby, go get your skipping rope. Tabatha and Carnation, you go with her.
BABY, TABATHA, and CARNATION
Awwwwwwww!
(They exit.)
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
You boys should be ashamed of yourselves! What are you fighting about?
BENJY ZOOT
Nathan can’t take a joke.
DALLAS KRAFT
That’s right, Mrs. Oldpistle. Nathan got mad ‘cause we teased him about Lynette.
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
Is that true, Nathan?
NATHAN ROCHELLE
(quietly)
I guess.
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
Pardon?
NATHAN ROCHELLE
I guess.
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
You guess? Did you or did you not lose your temper because you were being teased?
NATHAN ROCHELLE
I don’t know.
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
Yes you do.
SHERRY SOOFLAY
I don’t think he does, Mrs. Oldpistle.
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
Please let me handle this, Ms. Sooflay.
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
Why not let the young lady have a go, Mrs. Oldpistle? She’s got to learn to deal with these things sooner or later.
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
I didn’t solicit your opinion, Mrs. Jollybelt.
LOIS KRAUBER
Come, on Mrs. Oldpitstle, let Ms. Sooflay have a try at sorting it out.
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
Very well. I leave it in your hands, Ms. Sooflay. Perhaps you need to learn first hand about dealing with such ruffians. Come along, Minka and Nina. We must prepare the classroom for the arithmetic test.
MINKA and NINA
Yes, Mrs. Oldpistle.
(They exit with MRS. OLDPISTLE)
SHERRY SOOFLAY
Nathan and Benjy, whatever went wrong is over now. Shake hands and apologize to each other.
(NATHAN and BENJY slowly shake hands.)
BENJY ZOOT Sorry I teased you, Nathan.
(NATHAN doesn’t reply.)
DALLAS KRAFT
I guess I got to say sorry, Nathan, ‘cause I teased you too.
SHERRY SOOFLAY
Good boy, Dallas. Nathan, it’s your turn.
NATHAN ROCHELLE
I’m sorry, Benjy, Dallas.
(to MISS SOOFLAY, in a moment of clarity and honesty)
It’s not really me that got teased…it’s Lynette. It was sort of like everyone was teasing her, and I started it by taking Dimple.
SHERRY SOOFLAY
Dimple?
CALISTA FORD
Lynette’s stuffed toy, Ms. Sooflay.
NATHAN ROCHELLE
And so I felt bad for Lynette, and then I was mad at Benjy and Dallas.
SHERRY SOOFLAY
Well, I’d say that explains everything. Just remember, everyone, that one thing leads to another. If it’s a bad thing, it leads to more bad things. If it’s a good thing, it leads to more good things.
(MISS SOOFLAY exits.)
LOIS KRAUBER
(watching her exit)
She may be young, but I’d like her to adopt me and take me home.
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
(going to NATHAN and producing a piece of chalk)
Here, Nathan…you can use this chalk to draw something on the asphalt. Art helps.
(NATHAN takes the chalk and she pats him on the back.)
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
Come along, Mrs. Krauber, let’s inspect the other zones.
(She and LOIS KRAUBER exit. As they leave, the group of girls watch the boys playing with the chalk, drawing things on the asphalt, shouting and laughing. WENDY calls out to BENJY, and the boys stop their play.)
WENDY GORT
Benjy, I’m sorry I told Nathan to bite your throat.
CALISTA FORD
I said bad things too. I’m sorry. I guess I was just sticking up for Lynette.
LYNETTE BYRD
I don’t need anyone to stick up for me.
(holding her stomach)
My tummy hurts.
(LYNETTE runs off)
WENDY GORT
Lynette!
CALISTA FORD
Did you put poison on her sandwich, Dallas Kraft?
DALLAS KRAFT
What? No!
WENDY GORT
You did too! Come on, Calista, let’s go help Wendy.
(WENDY and CALISTA exit.)
DALLAS KRAFT
I didn’t put poison on her stupid sandwich.
BENJY ZOOT
Girls are always saying stuff that don’t make sense.
NATHAN ROCHELLE
That’s right. You never know what they’re gonna do next.
DALLAS KRAFT
First they’re all nice and everything and then they’re mad.
BENJY ZOOT
And you don’t even know why.
End of Scene 5.
Mobbrat Elementary by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 6:
(BABY JALKIN, TABATHA MONIQUE, and CARNATION LAURENCE enter with their skipping-rope.)
BABY JALKIN
You boys want to skip rope with us?
DALLAS KRAFT
No. Skipping’s for girls.
BENJY ZOOT
Besides, we don’t do stuff with grade twos.
TABATHA MONIQUE
My daddy says boxers skip rope when they’re training for a big fight.
CARNATION LAURENCE
And boxers are mostly men.
BABY JALKIN
So do you want to skip rope now?
DALLAS KRAFT
No! We don’t do stuff with little kids like you.
CARNATION LAURENCE
You don’t even know how to skip rope.
BENJY ZOOT
Do too. Just don’t wanna.
NATHAN ROCHELLE
(to BENJY and DALLAS)
What are you guys talking to stupid grade twos for?
DALLAS KRAFT
Something to do.
NATHAN ROCHELLE
Let’s go someplace else.
DALLAS KRAFT
You mean go look for Lynette Byrd?
NATHAN ROCHELLE
Shut up, Dallas.
BENJY ZOOT
Yeah, Dallas. Don’t start another fight.
DALLAS KRAFT
All right, so let’s go someplace else. It stinks like grade twos here.
(NATHAN, DALLAS, and BENJY exit. The three girls watch them go.)
BABY JALKIN
I like Nathan.
TABATHA MONIQUE
Me too.
CARNATION LAURENCE
Benjy’s cute.
BABY JALKIN
But that Dallas kid’s kind of mean.
CARNATION LAURENCE
Some kids told me he put poison in a girl’s sandwich.
BABY JALKIN
Let’s skip!
(BABY and TABATHA take the rope and CARNATION jumps to the rhyme.)
BABY and TABATHA
My mother said
I never should
Play with the gypsies in the wood.
If I did,
She would say,
“Naughty little girl to disobey!”
Salt, mustard, vinegar, pepper,
Salt, mustard, vinegar, pepper…
(CORT WINCHESTER and ZACK KOODER enter and watch. The skipping continues until CARNATION makes a mistake.)
CORT WINCHESTER
Can we skip too?
CARNATION LAURENCE
No!
ZACK KOODER
Why not?
TABATHA MONIQUE
‘Cause you’ve got cooties.
(CARNATION and BABY laugh.)
CORT WINCHESTER
No, you’ve got cooties!
BABY JALKIN
Get out of here, you stupid babies.
ZACK KOODER
Just let us try skipping, just once!
CARNATION LAURENCE
Only if you both go in at once.
CORT WINCHESTER
Sure!
(BABY and TABATHA spin the rope. CORT and ZACK run in and immediately get caught up in the rope.)
BABY JALKIN
Hey, don’t get cooties on the rope!
TABATHA MONIQUE
Stupid grade ones!
CORT WINCHESTER
You’re even more stupid! Come on, Zack; I wanna go dig in the dirt with sticks!
ZACK KOODER
Yayyyy! Dig in the dirt! Dig in the dirt!
(CORT and ZACK exit.)
CARNATION LAURENCE
Yucky little babies!
TABATHA MONIQUE
I wanna skip now!
CARNATION LAURENCE
Let’s do something else now.
BABY JALKIN
But me and Tabatha didn’t get our turns yet!
TABATHA MONIQUE
You just don’t want to spin the rope, Carnation.
CARNATION LAURENCE
Oh, all right.
(CARNATION takes BABY’S place and baby jumps rope for a while.)
CARNATION and TABATHA
I’m a little Dutch girl dressed in blue,
Here are the things I like to do.
Salute the Captain,
Curtsy to the queen,
Turn my back on a big submarine!
I can do a tap dance
I can do a split
I can do the polka just like this!”
(At some point, BABY makes a mistake.)
BABY JALKIN
Let me try again!
CARNATION LAURENCE
No, you had your turn.
BABY JALKIN
Just one more.
TABATHA MONIQUE
It’s my turn, Baby.
BABY JALKIN
Oh, all right, stupid Tabatha!
(TABATHA goes in and BABY takes the rope.)
BABY and CARNATION
Jelly on a plate
Jelly on a plate
Wibble wobble wibble wobble
Jelly on a plate
Pickles in a jar
Pickles in a jar
Ooh ah, ooh, ah,
Pickles in a jar
Sausage in a pan
Sausage in a pan
Turn it over, turn it over
Sausage in a pan.
(Finally, TABATHA makes a mistake just as VALERY HORSEFELT and NONNY BIFTECK enter.)
VALERY HORSEFELT
Can we play?
CARNATION LAURENCE
No.
NONNY BIFTECK
Why not?
BABY JALKIN
Because you’re mean.
VALERY HORSEFELT
(running at BABY and pushing her so she stumbles back and falls)
There! That’s what you get!
BABY JALKIN Hey!
TABATHA MONIQUE
(running to BABY)
Don’t push Baby!
NONNY BIFTECK
Baby! Baby! Big fat Baby!
BABY JALKIN
Quit it!
VALERY HORSEFELT
Not unless you turn the rope for us.
CARNATION LAURENCE
Oh, all right. Come on, Tabatha, let’s spin it for them.
(TABATHA and CARNATION start spinning the rope. BABY sulks. VALERY runs in, but fails to jump the rope even once.)
VALERY HORSEFELT
You did that on purpose! Spin it again!
(VALERY goes back out and TABATHA and CARNATION spin the rope again. VALERY runs in, but again she is unable to get started.)
NONNY BIFTECK
They’re doing it on purpose, Valery.
VALERY HORSEFELT I know.
(VALERY goes to TABATHA, pulls the rope out of her hand, and pushes her out of the way.)
VALERY HORSEFELT
Come on, Nonny, I’ll do it right!
(VALERY starts spinning the rope with CARNATION. Nonny runs in and jumps a couple of time, then fails)
VALERY HORSEFELT
Hey, don’t, Carnation!
(to NONNY)
She did it, Nonny, not me.
NONNY BIFTECK
(going to Carnation)
You tried to make me fail!
(She pushes CARNATION and pulls the rope out of her hand as she does so).
NONNY BIFTECK
Now this rope is mine and Valery’s ‘cause you kids don’t deserve it.
(NONNY goes over to VALERY with the rope.)
CARNATION LAURENCE
That’s Baby’s rope!
VALERY HORSEFELT
Not any more.
BABY JALKIN
(getting up and going to VALERY and NONNY)
Give it back!
NONNY BIFTECK
All right!
(NONNY hands one end of the rope to VALERY and the two of them deftly wrap the rope around BABY.)
BABY JALKIN
Hey! Quit!
TABATHA MONIQUE
You’re not allowed to do that!
CARNATION LAURENCE
It’s against the rules!
VALERY HORSEFELT
Who cares.
(VALERY and NONNY push BABY back and forth between them.)
NONNY BIFTECK
She looks so stupid.
VALERY HORSEFELT
Like a sack full of horse turds.
(TABATHA and CARNATION run in and pull BABY away from NONNY and VALERY and take the rope off BABY.)
NONNY BIFTECK
Awww, poor little Baby!
VALERY HORSEFELT
Is the little baby going to cry, hmmmmm? Is it?
CARNATION LAURENCE
Stop being mean!
TABATHA MONIQUE
We didn’t do anything to you!
NONNY BIFTECK
You did so.
TABATHA MONIQUE
What?
NONNY BIFTECK
You got born.
VALERY HORSEFELT
Yeah, and now we got to look at your ugly faces.
CARNATION LAURENCE
You’re the ugly ones!
NONNY BIFTECK
(going to CARNATION slowly, as CARNATION backs up)
What did you say?
CARNATION LAURENCE
I just meant that I’m not ugly.
VALERY HORSEFELT
Yes you are.
NONNY BIFTECK
(still stalking CARNATION)
Say it.
CARNATION LAURENCE
Say what?
NONNY BIFTECK
Say, “I’m ugly.”
CARNATION LAURENCE
You’re ugly.
NONNY BIFTECK
(raising her fist)
No! Say you’re ugly.
CARNATION LAURENCE
But I did!
TABATHA MONIQUE
She means to call yourself ugly, Carnation.
CARNATION LAURENCE
All right, I’m ugly!
NONNY BIFTECK
(lowering her fist)
That’s right.
VALERY HORSEFELT
And what are you, Baby?
BABY JALKIN
Me?
VALERY HORSEFELT
Say you’re ugly too.
BABY JALKIN
You’re ugly too.
VALERY HORSEFELT
(running at her and stomping her feet)
No! No! No! Call yourself ugly!
(stamping)
Right now!
BABY JALKIN
Ugly. I’m ugly.
VALERY HORSEFELT
You’re an ugly baby, Baby! Ha! Ha! Get it, Nonny? Baby’s an ugly baby!
NONNY BIFTECK
That’s so funny! Ha! Ha!
TABATHA MONIQUE
Why, you mean, stupid kids!
(TABATHA, using her head as a battering ram, rushes at VALERY and rams her in the stomach, causing VALERY to double over, put her arms around TABATHA’S middle, and pull her up so her feet are in the air and her head is on the ground. TABATHA wraps her legs around VALERY’S neck and squeezes while she wraps her arms around the back of VALERY’S legs. VALERY waddles around with her, trying to pull her legs away)
VALERY HORSEFELT
Get her off me! GET HER OFF ME!
(But everyone else, including NONNY, thinks this is very funny, and just laugh. Finally, TABATHA drops away from VALERY and runs to BABY and CARNATION.)
TABATHA MONIQUE
Quick, the rope! You take one end, Baby, and Carnation get the other end.
(CARNATION and BABY stretch the rope between them. TABATHA moves out in front of them as “bait”.)
TABATHA
Now come get us, VALERY, you cow!
CARNATION LAURENCE
Come and get us, Nonny Bifteck!
NONNY BIFTECK
They’re asking for it, Valery.
VALERY HORSEFELT
Let’s give it to them.
(VALERY and NONNY charge at TABATHA, who gets out of the way, allowing BABY and CARNATION to wrap the rope around VALERY and NONNY. They pull tight so VALERY and NONNY can’t get away.)
TABATHA MONIQUE
Who’s tough now, huh?
BABY JALKIN
What are we going to do with them, Tabatha?
CARNATION LAURENCE
Should we tie them to something?
(At that moment, HECTOR COMSTOCK, WILLIAM NAPPER, and BUSTER BEST run in.)
HECTOR COMSTOCK Fun and games! Fun and games!
WILLIAM NAPPER
(screaming excitedly like a wild animal and running about)
Yahhhhhhhhhh! Yahhhhhhhhhh!
BUSTER BEST
Yayyyyyyyyyyyy! Tied up like turkeys! Tied up like turkeys!
VALERY HORSEFELT
You boys untie us and we’ll give you a dollar!
HECTOR COMSTOCK
A dollar!
WILLIAM NAPPER
Each?
VALERY HORSEFELT
Yeah, a dollar each!
BUSTER BEST
Let’s do it!
(The three boys run in. HECTOR pushes BABY out of the way, WILLIAM pushes CARNATION, and BUSTER pulls TABATHA out of the way and then frees VALERY and NONNY.)
HECTOR COMSTOCK
Now give us our dollars.
WILLIAM NAPPER
Yeah!
BUSTER BEST
You promised!
VALERY HORSEFELT
No we never.
NONNY BIFTECK
So shut up.
(to BABY)
Here’s your stupid rope.
(NONNY throws the rope to her. Suddenly everyone seems deflated and sits down in various places.)
HECTOR COMSTOCK
I hate school.
BUSTER BEST
Me too. It’s so boring.
WILLIAM NAPPER I hate it the most.
HECTOR COMSTOCK
No, I do.
NONNY BIFTECK
I hate you, Hector.
HECTOR COMSTOCK
Not as much as I hate you.
VALERY HORSEFELT
I hate all of you. Even you, Nonny.
NONNY BIFTECK
I don’t care.
BABY JALKIN
The new teacher’s nice.
BUSTER BEST
She’s pretty.
HECTOR COMSTOCK
(pointing at BUSTER)
Ha, ha, he said pretty!
BUSTER BEST
So?
HECTOR COMSTOCK
So nothing.
BUSTER BEST
So shut up.
WILLIAM NAPPER
She smells like peppermint.
NONNY BIFTECK
How could you even smell anything except your own stink, William.
WILLIAM NAPPER
I don’t stink.
BUSTER BEST
Yes you do, William, like a shoe.
WILLIAM NAPPER
Shut up, Buster.
VALERY HORSEFELT
Don’t you ever take a bath, William?
WILLIAM NAPPER
Not allowed.
CARNATION LAURENCE
Why not?
TABATHA MONIQUE
His skin might come off.
WILLIAM NAPPER
It will not.
TABATHA MONIQUE
Then why can’t you take a bath?
WILLIAM NAPPER
I take a bath every day.
TABATHA MONIQUE
Then why did you say you’re not allowed.
WILLIAM NAPPER
‘Cause I felt like it.
BABY JALKIN
Some kids don’t get to have baths.
CARNATION LAURENCE
Like who?
BABY JALKIN
Like kids in the desert.
VALERY HORSEFELT
Who cares about them.
NONNY BIFTECK
Stupid desert kids.
BABY JALKIN
They’re not stupid. They just don’t got water.
CARNATION LAURENCE
So it’s not our fault.
BABY JALKIN
I never said it was.
CARNATION LAURENCE
If they want water they should go and get some.
TABATHA MONIQUE
(to BABY and CARNATION)
I want some water right now.
BABY JALKIN
Me too. Let’s go to the fountain.
CARNATION LAURENCE
Talking about the desert makes me thirsty.
(CARNATION, BABY, and TABATHA exit as MARY SENDOFF and BRANDY WATTS enter.)
MARY SENDOFF
Brandy and me got a chocolate bar!
BUSTER BEST
So give us half or we’ll poke your eyeballs out!
BRANDY WATTS
Don’t be mean or we’ll tell!
MARY SENDOFF
Besides, we ate it already.
HECTOR COMSTOCK
Then why did ya say ya had one?
BRANDY WATTS
‘Cause it’s true.
MARY SENDOFF
…and teacher says we’re allowed to say what’s true.
(MARY and BRANDY exit.)
BUSTER BEST
Grade ones are so dumb. Let’s play War in the Desert!
WILLIAM NAPPER
Yeah!
HECTOR COMSTOCK
I’m the general!
BUSTER BEST
No I am, ‘cause I thought of it first.
VALERY HORSEFELT
I’m the bad guy!
NONNY BIFTECK
Me too.
BUSTER BEST
Hector, you’re my soldier, and William, you’re lost in the desert.
VALERTY HORSEFELT
Go on, William…get lost!
(Everyone laughs.)
WILLIAM NAPPER
All right!
(staggering about)
I’m lost in the desert! Water! Water!
(WILLIAM collapses.)
NONNY BIFTECK
(to VALERY)
Look, Nasty Nelly! There’s someone lying on the desert!
VALERY HORSEFELT
(to NONNY)
Let’s steal his money, Bad Betty!
(VALERY and NONNY creep toward WILLIAM.)
BUSTER BEST
(to HECTOR)
Where’s Jimmy Puddle?
HECTOR COMSTOCK
Lost on the desert.
BUSTER BEST
We must find him!
(BUSTER and HECTOR set out towards WILLIAM)
BUSTER BEST
Look, bandits!
HECTOR COMSTOCK
They’re trying to rob Jimmy Puddle!
BUSTER BEST
We must kill them!
(BUSTER shoots at VALERY and HECTOR shoots at NONNY with mime guns, and VALERY and NONNY shoot back. WILLIAM stands up and pretends to be shot.)
WILLIAM NAPPER
Ahhhh! I’m shot!
(WILLIAM pretends to die.)
BUSTER BEST
They killed Jimmy Puddle! Attack!
(BUSTER and HECTOR rush at VALERY and NONNY. VALERY and NONNY pretend to shoot them down. BUSTER and HECTOR pretend to die spectacular deaths.)
VALERY HORSEFELT
Now we’ll rob all of them!
NONNY BIFTECK
And steal their pants off their bodies!
(This prompts the boys to jump up.)
BUSTER BEST
No touching our pants, you guys.
VALERY HORSEFELT
I’m going to pull your pants off, Buster.
NONNY BIFTECK
I’ll help!
(NONNY and VALERY chase BUSTER while HECTOR and WILLIAM watch and laugh.)
BUSTER BEST
(dodging and weaving)
You can’t catch me! You can’t catch me!
(Suddenly BUSTER trips and VALERY holds him down.)
VALERY HORSEFELT
Pull his pants off, Nonny!
NONNY BIFTECK
(suddenly shy and pulling back)
Uh-uh.
VALERY HORSEFELT
Do it, Nonny! It’ll be funny!
NONNY BIFTECK I don’t want to!
VALERY HORSEFELT
(giving up and getting up)
You big chicken.
(pretending to be a chicken)
Bawk, bawk, bawk!
BUSTER BEST
(running over to the other boys)
Somebody’s going to pull your pants off one day, Valery!
VALERY HORSEFELT
So? Maybe I’ll let them!
NONNY BIFTECK
Valery!
End of Scene 6.
____________________
Mobbrat Elementary by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 7:
(MARY SENDOFF and BRANDY WATTS enter)
VALERY HORSEFELT
Hey, you grade ones get outta here unless you got a chocolate bar for real!
MARY SENDOFF
We’re allowed here ‘cause this is the primary zone.
NONNY BIFTECK
Don’t get mouthy you little rat or I’ll poke you one in the eye.
BRANDY WATTS
(to MARY)
She’s mean, Mary.
MARY SENDOFF
I’m not scared.
VALERY HORSEFELT
C’mon, Nonny…it smells bad here.
NONNY BIFTECK
Yeah, like stinky grade ones!
(NONNY and VALERY exit.)
HECTOR COMSTOCK
(holding out his hand)
Give us a dollar!
MARY SENDOFF
Why?
HECTOR COMSTOCK
’Cause I said so.
BRANDY WATTS
We’re not allowed to have money at school.
HECTOR COMSTOCK
Little liar.
BRANDY WATTS
We’re not. Teacher keeps it for us.
BUSTER BEST
Yeah, ‘cause you’re babies!
WILLIAM NAPPER
Little babies who lose their money!
HECTOR COMSTOCK
Let’s chase the babies!
(They all run after BRANDY and MARY, who adeptly run away from them. This chasing continues for a while, until the three boys get bored.)
BUSTER BEST
(pulling out a book of matches)
Hey, I’ve got matches!
WILLIAM NAPPER
Let’s go burn that chip bag over there!
(All three of them rush off, leaving BRANDY and MARY alone)
MARY SENDOFF
They’re bullies.
BRANDY WATTS
Yeah.
MARY SENDOFF
Know what, Brandy?
BRANDY WATTS
What?
MARY SENDOFF
My granny’s house burned down.
BRANDY WATTS
Was she in it?
MARY SENDOFF
No, she was in Las Vegas.
BRANDY WATTS
Where’s Las Vegas?
MARY SENDOFF
I dunno.
BRANDY WATTS
Where’s your granny going to live now?
MARY SENDOFF
At my house.
BRANDY WATTS
Is she nice?
MARY SENDOFF
I dunno.
BRANDY WATTS
I mean, does she give you stuff?
MARY SENDOFF
For Christmas, she gave me a pink hoody with a cow on it.
BRANDY WATTS
A cow?
MARY SENDOFF
When you touch the cow, it moos.
BRANDY WATTS
I want one.
MARY SENDOFF
No, it’s bad, Brandy.
BRANDY WATTS
Why?
MARY SENDOFF
It moos all the time and my mom gets mad and makes me take it off.
BRANDY WATTS
It’s all your granny’s fault.
MARY SENDOFF
Yes, granny’s fault. Now she’s sleeping in my bed.
BRANDY WATTS
Where do you sleep?
MARY SENDOFF
In the corner.
BRANDY WATTS
What corner?
MARY SENDOFF
The corner where Gregory used to sleep.
BRANDY WATTS
Who’s Gregory?
MARY SENDOFF
Our dog that got run over.
BRANDY WATTS
Awww.
MARY SENDOFF
It’s all right. He was real old.
BRANDY WATTS
And you sleep in Gregory’s corner?
MARY SENDOFF
Yeah, only on a foamy.
BRANDY WATTS
I got a cat.
MARY SENDOFF
What’s its name?
BRANDY WATTS
Hercules.
MARY SENDOFF
Sounds like fleas. “Hercules, you got fleas!”
BRANDY WATTS
(laughing)
Yeah!
(scratching her arm)
And he does.
(NINA THORNVILLE and MINKA KOSSAVANIAN enter.)
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
(to BRANDY)
Why are you scratching yourself, little Brandy?
BRANDY WATTS
I don’t know.
MARY SENDOFF
Hercules has got fleas.
BRANDY WATTS
He’s a cat.
NINA THORNVILLE
And you got fleas too, don’t you, Brandy?
BRANDY WATTS
No.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
Don’t you know you’ll go to hell if you lie, Brandy?
NINA THORNVILLE
And in hell you burn all day and all night.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
It’s way worse than having fleas.
BRANDY WATTS
I guess I got fleas.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
Yes, you do, Brandy.
NINA THORNVILLE
You and Mary are dirty little girls.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
You should have more baths.
(MINKA and NINA exit as LOTUS McMANUS, INGRID WASSLE, and DEBBY PINCHER enter.)
LOTUS McMANUS
Moochy, goochy, gobbledy, goo…
Look who’s here, Little Miss Moo!
MARY SENDOFF
Don’t, Lotus.
LOTUS McMANUS
(to Ingrid and Debby)
Mary’s got a hoody that’s got a cow that goes moo and she’s not allowed to wear it at school.
INGRID WASSLE
I got a piggy that goes “oink”!
DEBBY PINCHER
I got a boat that goes “put put put put put”.
LOTUS McMANUS
Do not.
DEBBY PINCHER
Do too and it’s real.
LOTUS McMANUS
Then where is it? I don’t see it, Debby.
DEBBY PINCHER
It’s in the ocean somewhere.
INGRID WASSLE
I got a piggy that goes “oink”!
LOTUS McMANUS
(to INGRID)
Where is it? I don’t see it!
INGRID WASSLE
It’s at my nonny’s.
DEBBY PINCHER
What’s a “nonny”?
INGRID WASSLE
An old person who’s your grandma.
LOTUS McMANUS
Then call her “Grandma”, not “Nonny”.
DEBBY PINCHER
“Nonny” sounds stupid. I wouldn’t call my grandma “Nonny”.
BRANDY WATTS
Mary’s grandma don’t got a house ‘cause it burned down.
MARY SENDOFF
I got to sleep in Gregory’s corner.
LOTUS McMANUS
Ha, ha, sleep in a man’s corner.
BRANDY WATTS
It’s her dog who’s dead!
INGRID WASSLE
Yeuch! Sleeping with a dead dog!
MARY SENDOFF
No, just me. Gregory’s in heaven.
DEBBY PINCHER
I got a rabbit called Valentine who’s in heaven.
LOTUS McMANUS
Pets don’t go to heaven, stupid.
DEBBY PINCHER
Where do they go?
LOTUS McMANUS
To Mars.
MARY SENDOFF
Where’s that?
LOTUS McMANUS
In space! Don’t you know anything, Mary?
INGRID WASSLE
My pig that goes “oink” is at my Nonny’s.
LOTUS McMANUS
It’s not a pet.
INGRID WASSLE
It is too.
LOTUS McMANUS
What’s it made of?
INGRID WASSLE
Plastic.
LOTUS McMANUS
Pets aren’t made of plastic. They’re made of skin.
BRANDY WATTS
I got a football. It’s made of skin.
MARY SENDOFF
Then it’s a pet football.
DEBBY PINCHER
I’m made of skin, but I’m not a pet.
INGRID WASSLE
My piggy goes oink when you pull its tail.
MARY SENDOFF
Look what Brandy does when I pull her hair!
(MARY tugs BRANDY’S hair)
BRANDY WATTS
Oww! Oww! Stop it, Mary!
MARY SENDOFF
See! She goes “Oww! Oww!” and she’s made of skin so she’s my pet.
BRANDY WATTS
I only went “Owww!” because of the pain.
LOTUS McMANUS
My mommy danced with pain when Daddy dropped a toilet on her foot.
INGRID WASSLE
She did a dance with pain?
LOTUS McMANUS
Yeah.
DEBBY PINCHER
What did it look like?
LOTUS McMANUS
Funny but it wasn’t ‘cause after she cried and wouldn’t talk to Daddy for a long time.
INGRID WASSLE
Show us the dance of pain, Lotus.
LOTUS McMANUS
(moving center)
Well, it was like this!
(LOTUS dances about, favouring one foot.)
LOTUS McMANUS
Owwwwwwww! Owwwwwww! My foot! You dropped the toilet on my foot, you stupid, stupid man! Owwwww!
(LOTUS suddenly stops completely, as if struck by a thought.)
MARY SENDOFF
I want to dance with pain!
BRANDY WATTS
It’s looks so fun!
INGRID WASSLE
Pain is fun!
DEBBY PINCHER
Let’s all do it!
(They all get up and dance about, just like LOTUS did. LOTUS watches until they’re finished.)
LOTUS McMANUS
Ingrid wins!
INGRID WASSLE
Wins what?
LOTUS McMANUS
The dancing contest, stupid. Come here, and I’ll give you your prize.
INGRID WASSLE
All right.
(She goes to LOTUS. LOTUS pulls her hair.)
INGRID WASSLE
Owwwwww!
(LOTUS lets go.)
INGRID WASSLE
What did you do that for?
LOTUS McMANUS
You said, “Pain is fun!” so I gave you some.
INGRID WASSLE
Oh.
(INGRID goes away from LOTUS.)
MARY SENDOFF
I got to go potty but I’m scared because of the big girls.
BRANDY WATTS
I’ll go with you, Mary.
MARY SENDOFF
Okay!
(MARY and BRANDY run off together.)
LOTUS McMANUS
Mary’s a scaredy-cat.
INGRID WASSLE
But the big girls are mean. I don’t even go in the washroom.
DEBBY PINCHER
Where do you go?
INGRID WASSLE
A secret place where no one can see.
LOTUS McMANUS
Behind the dumpster.
INGRID WASSLE
No! Somewhere else.
LOTUS McMANUS
Right in the dumpster!
INGRID WASSLE
Shut up, Lotus.
DEBBY PINCHER
I wouldn’t pee in the dumpster for a hundred dollars or even fifty.
End of Scene 7.
____________________
Mobbrat Elementary by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 8:
(CORT WINCHESTER and ZACK KOODER enter.)
CORT WINCHESTER
I got an ice-cream sandwich from the teacher.
LOTUS McMANUS
What for?
CORT WINCHESTER
For being a good boy all morning.
LOTUS McMANUS
That’s not fair.
ZACK KOODER
I got one too.
CORT WINCHESTER
Teacher says Zack has special needs.
ZACK KOODER
I do.
LOTUS McMANUS
No you don’t.
ZACK KOODER
I do so.
DEBBY PINCHER
Why?
ZACK KOODER
I got a bad brain.
CORT WINCHESTER
Zack’s got a bad brain like a monster.
LOTUS McMANUS
He does not.
CORT WINCHESTER
Yes he does, Lotus.
LOTUS McMANUS
Prove it.
CORT WINCHESTER
Show ‘em, Zack.
ZACK KOODER
Watch!
(ZACK moves about like a monster, grunting “Urggggggghhhh” and holding his arms out with his fingers as claws. The other watch. After a while he sits down.)
INGRID WASSLE
Anyone can do that.
CORT WINCHESTER
Do it then, if you’re so smart.
(INGRID walks about like ZACK, doing the same thing. LOTUS and DEBBY join her so the three of them are being “monsters”. They are sincerely enthusiastic about being monsters, and are therefore rather frightening. They surround CORT and claw at him with their hands. CORT tries to ward them off, but they are persistent. Finally he runs away from them and sits with ZACK. The girls like being “monsters” and continue the game.)
LOTUS McMANUS
(in her monster voice)
Urrrggggghhhhhh! Let’s eat Cort’s brain!
INGRID WASSLE
(in her monster voice)
Arggggghhhhhhh! Eat his brain!
DEBBY PINCHER
(in her monster voice)
His brain! Eat his brain!
(All three of them stalk CORT, at first slowly. He backs away from them. They start to chase him faster and faster, around and around. CORT gets trapped between the three of them, and is clearly panicking. They move in on him and pull him to the ground. CORT screams and screams. The girls jump up and run away from him, laughing. CORT slowly gets up.)
CORT WINCHESTER
I could have got hurt real bad, you know.
ZACK KOODER
What if you poked out his eye or something?
CORT WINCHESTER
It’s not funny to poke out my eyes.
LOTUS McMANUS
We never even touched your stupid eyes, Cort.
INGRID WASSLE
I wouldn’t touch his jelly-goober eyes.
DEBBY PINCHER
Jelly-goober-doober-boober-stoopid-stoopid eyes!
ZACK KOODER
Don’t be mean.
LOTUS McMANUS
You started it, Zack Cooder, because of your stupid brain.
ZACK KOODER
I can’t help it if I got a bad brain!
CORT WINCHESTER
You kids were like for-real monsters.
INGRID WASSLE
(feeling sorry for CORT)
Awwww!
(she goes to him)
I’m sorry, Cort.
CORT WINCHESTER
I was scared.
INGRID WASSLE
(sitting by him)
Poor Cort! You guys, he was scared!
DEBBY PINCHER
(going to CORT)
It was only a game, Cort.
CORT WINCHESTER
You were all around me and growling, and I though I was going to die.
DEBBY PINCHER
(impulsively giving him a hug)
Oh, Cort, I’m sorry!
CORT WINCHESTER
(enjoying this attention and affection)
And Lotus was the scariest, with her teeth and her breath and snarling like a crazy tiger!
INGRID WASSLE
(holding his arm and snuggling close)
Oh, Cort, don’t be scared!
DEBBY PINCHER
We won’t let Lotus hurt you!
LOTUS McMANUS
(angry)
You guys are all stupid!
(to ZACK)
What are you looking at?
ZACK KOODER
Nothing.
LOTUS McMANUS
(deciding to take her anger out on ZACK)
Quit touching me with your eyes!
ZACK KOODER
It’s just my eyes, Lotus! They won’t hurt you!
LOTUS McMANUS
Don’t say stuff!
ZACK KOODER
Huh?
LOTUS McMANUS
Don’t SAY STUFF!
ZACK KOODER
I’m not!
LOTUS McMANUS
(covering her ears and shrieking)
SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
DEBBY PINCHER
Uh-oh, Lotus is going to have an ex-PLO-sion!
LOTUS McMANUS
I kill you, Zack.
(LOTUS takes a couple of tentative steps forward.)
LOTUS McMANUS
I kill you, little Zack.
(Suddenly, LOTUS is running at ZACK, who gets up and runs from her.)
LOTUS McMANUS
(shouting)
I kill you Zack! I kill you!
DEBBY PINCHER
Oh, Cort, help us stop Lotus!
INGRID WASSLE
She’ll kill him, Cort!
(DEBBY and INGRID pull CORT to his feet and all three of them intercept LOTUS, and pull her down. Initially LOTUS struggles, then becomes inert and stiff, as if frozen, staring straight out.)
CORT WINCHESTER
What’s she doing?
DEBBY PINCHER
I don’t know.
ZACK KOODER
She was going to kill me!
INGRID WASSLE
I better go get Mrs. Jollybelt!
(INGRID runs off.)
DEBBY PINCHER
Poor Lotus had an ex-PLO-sion!
ZACK KOODER
She’s all stiff.
CORT WINCHESTER
Like a dead body.
DEBBY PINCHER
Don’t say, that Cort.
CORT WINCHESTER
Why not?
DEBBY PINCHER
What if it’s true?
(CORT leaps up and backs away from LOTUS as MRS. JOLLYBELT and LOIS KRAUBER enter with INGRID. As MRS. JOLLYBELT goes to little LOTUS, MARY SENDOFF and BRANDY WATTS run in to look, followed by HECTOR COMSTOCK, WILLIAM NAPPER, and BUSTER BEST, then the grade two girls, then the grade three boys, and finally all the grade three girls and the two teachers.)
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
Stand back, Debby Pincher, stand back…
(DEBBIE moves away as MRS. JOLLYBLET produces a vial of smelling salts from her capacious bag, and thrusts it under LOTUS’S nose.)
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
Come on, girl, snap out of it! Come on now!
LOTUS McMANUS
(coughing a bit, then blinking rapidly, then coming back to life from her trance)
Mrs. Jollybelt? Are you an angel?
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
I’m just an old woman who’s given you a strong dose of smelling salts, Lotus. Sometimes the old ways are the best ways!
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
(stepping forward with Ms. Sooflay)
Mrs. Jollybelt, you shouldn’t administer medications without her parents’ permission.
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
It’s just smelling salts, Mrs. Oldpistle. Nothing to get your knickers in a knot about.
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
Are you all right, Lotus?
LOTUS McMANUS
I feel lovely, Mrs. Oldpistle, but I had an awful dream.
SHERRY SOOFLAY
(kneeling beside her)
Has this sort of thing ever happened before, Lotus?
LOTUS McMANUS
I don’t know.
NINA THORNVILLE
She does it all the time when adults aren’t looking, Ms. Sooflay.
MINKA KOSSAVANIAN
Poor Lotus. She thinks it’s a game. But she’s not well, is she, Mrs. Oldpistle? In her head, I mean.
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
There, there, Minka, I know you’re very worried about your little friend, but we’ll see to it that she’s well taken care of. Come along, Lotus, let’s get you into the little girls’ room for a bit of a wash up.
LOTUS McMANUS
Can I have an ice cream sandwich, Mrs. Oldpistle?
HORTENSIA OLDPISTLE
Perhaps, if you’re good girl from now on.
LOTUS McMANUS
Oh, I will be, Mrs. Oldpistle, I will.
(MRS. OLDPISTLE helps Lotus offstage, with NINA and MINKA trotting behind her.)
LOIS KRAUBER
All right, nothing more to look at here! Shoo! Go back to playing! Lunch hour’s not over yet!
(All the children exit in their groups.)
SHERRY SOOFLAY
(to the supervisors)
Shouldn’t we call Lotus’ mother, and report this to the principal?
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
Goodness, no, Ms. Sooflay. Mrs. Oldpistle would be furious! She’d call it “mollycoddling”, and we’d never hear the end of it!
SHERRY SOOFLAY
Noon hour is an exciting time here at Mobbrat Elementary.
LOIS KRAUBER
You ain’t seen nothin’ yet, honey.
(LOIS takes out a smoke and lights up.)
SHERRY SOOFLAY
Isn’t there a strict no-smoking policy at Mobbrat, Mrs. Krauber?
LOIS KRAUBER
Yep.
(LOIS drags deeply, looks MISS SOOFLAY in the eye, turns away and lets out the smoke.)
SHERRY SOOFLAY
(to LOIS KRAUBER, after looking around first and reaching her hand towards LOIS KRAUBER’s cigarette)
May I have a puff?
LOIS KRAUBER
A puff?
SHERRY SOOFLAY
On your cigarette.
LOIS KRAUBER
(handing her the cigarette)
Suit yourself.
SHERRY SOOFLAY
(taking a puff and handing the cigarette back to MRS. KRAUBER)
Thanks. I think I ought to help Mrs. Oldpistle with little Lotus.
(MISS SOOFLAY exits.)
LOIS KRAUBER
Well how about that!
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
That young woman’s full of surprises.
LOIS KRAUBER
For some reason I don’t feel like smoking this anymore.
(LOIS drops the cigarette and squidges it out with her foot.)
LOIS KRAUBER
I’m going to go help them ladies deal with Lotus.
(LOIS exits. MRS. JOLLYBELT takes out her grocery bag, picks up the cigarette butt, and spies the silver-crested nut-hatch.)
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
Bless my soul!
(putting the grocery bag away and taking out her binoculars to peer at the nut-hatch)
The silver-crested nut-hatch has returned!
(pulling out her notepad and pencil)
Silver-crested nut-hatch, 1259 a.m., May 11th, Mobbrat Elementary schoolyard!
(She puts away her pad and pencil and resumes her watch with the binoculars. The bell rings.)
GUSSY JOLLYBELT
Lunch is over!
(swinging her binoculars left as the nut-hatch flies off)
Away you go, little chap, just like the children on their lunch break, off on their adventures! Oh, to be young again and as free as a bird!
(All the children run in, along with the teachers and LOIS KRAUBER, and assume positions exactly like their first big entrance, freezing into a lovely tableaux as the lights fade.)
End of Scene 8.
END OF PLAY.