Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2007.
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 45 minutes
• style: ensemble, satirical realism
• suitable for general audiences
• 23 characters (18 female, 5 male)
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Waiting for English” follows the joys and sorrows of a group of high school students who explore (due to the absence of their teacher) an unexpected opportunity for intimacy.
(This play was first performed on November 1, 2, 5, 6, 7, in the year 2007, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
∗Published Online by Good School Plays, March 29, 2015.
Go to:
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Scene 5
Scene 6
Scene 7
Scene 8
Scene 9
Scene 10
Scene 11
Scene 12
CHARACTERS:
Wendy LaFleur
Roxy Rycroft
Stacey Karenina
Angel DeLaRoche
Mandy Tellman
Anita Torres
Madison Bird
Niki Norberg
Rocky Avila
Juanita Nikovic
Emma Saretsky
Sonia Cooper
Hayley Kardona
Ashton Trout
Penny Ruddy
Brad Hunter
Tyra Stolo
Meredith LaGuardia
Elmer Tambouri
Alex Marr
Junie Babiani
Lily Burchuk
Babe Postulo
Waiting for English by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 1:
(Mr. Donald’s English classroom, which is somewhat unconventional. There are a few chairs and some wooden blocks to sit on, but no desks. WENDY LaFLEUR is seated in a chair, working on an English assignment: a poem about love. She is intensely involved in it, concentrating hard. Unseen by WENDY, ROXY RYCROFT enters USR and watches her. WENDY suddenly throws her binder on the floor in frustration.)
ROXY RYCROFT
Um, excuse me, but is this Mr. Donald’s English class?
WENDY LaFLEUR
(startled, and turning to look at ROXY)
Huh?
ROXY RYCROFT
I’m looking for Mr. Donald’s room.
WENDY LaFLEUR
(picking up her binder)
This is it.
(WENDY resumes her work on the poem. ROXY finds a place to sit some distance from WENDY, but not so far away as to preclude a conversation.)
ROXY RYCROFT
I guess I should introduce myself.
WENDY LaFLEUR
(without looking up)
I’m kind of busy.
ROXY RYCROFT
Are you doing homework?
WENDY LaFLEUR
(looking at ROXY)
I’m working, but I’m far, far from home, so if you’ll excuse me…
ROXY RYCROFT
I don’t mean to be nosy. It’s just that I’m new here and it’s kind of confusing.
WENDY LaFLEUR
It’s just a high school. They’re all the same.
ROXY RYCROFT
I’m Roxy.
WENDY LaFLEUR
Look, I’ve got to get this poem done before class starts, okay?
ROXY RYCROFT
What’s it about?
WENDY LaFLEUR
What difference does it make? You’re new. You won’t have to do it.
ROXY RYCROFT
We never had to write poems at my old school.
WENDY LaFLEUR
Mr. Donald thinks everyone should do poems. Now if you don’t mind?
ROXY RYCROFT
Sorry.
(WENDY returns to her poem, and ROXY takes out a paperback novel and tries to read it.)
End of Scene 1.
Waiting for English by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 2:
(STACEY KERENINA and ANGEL DeLaROCHE enter DSL and make their way to their seats, talking as they go.)
STACEY KERENINA
(to ANGEL)
So is Jason gonna do time?
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
Probably just probation and community hours.
STACEY KERENINA
That’s all he gets?
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
It wasn’t even a real gun, Stacey.
STACEY KERENINA
What was it?
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
Just a stick under a handkerchief.
STACEY KERENINA
That’s funny. A stick!
(mock seriously)
Does Jason ever get rough on you, Angel?
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
Hey!
STACEY KERENINA
I’m kidding!
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
If he ever tries anything, that’s it.
STACEY KERENINA
I just mean he’s kind of emotional.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
So? That’s what I like about him.
STACEY KERENINA
Always getting in fights and that.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
Only if someone deserves it.
STACEY KERENINA
Are you really gonna move in with him?
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
Sure. Why not?
STACEY KERENINA
Your age, for one. And what about your mom?
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
She doesn’t care.
STACEY KERENINA
Doesn’t he live with a bunch of other guys?
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
So?
STACEY KERENINA
Would you have your own bedroom at least?
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
We’re gonna get a basement suite.
STACEY KERENINA
That’s expensive.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
I’m worth it.
STACEY KERENINA
So who’s gonna pay the rent?
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
I can get a job or something.
STACEY KERININA
Where?
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
Someplace that pays good.
STACEY KERENINA
Like where?
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
Maybe like a waitress or that. You get good tips if you’re cute and quick.
STACEY KERENINA
You mean like flirting with business guys on their lunch?
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
Whatever it takes.
STACEY KERENINA
Better not let Jason see.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.
STACEY KERENINA
(seeing ROXY and calling to her)
Hi, I’m Stacey.
ROXY RYCROFT
(looking up from her novel)
Hi.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
Are you new?
ROXY RYCROFT
Uh huh.
STACEY KERENINA
(crossing to ROXY)
Poor kid. You look scared.
(calling to Angel)
She looks sort of scared, doesn’t she, Angel?
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
I dunno.
STACEY KERENINA
She does.
(to Roxy)
Are you okay ?
ROXY RYCROFT
I’m sort of nervous I guess.
STACEY KERENINA
Watch out for Mr. Donald.
ROXY RYCROFT
Why?
STACEY KERENINA
Because.
(to ANGEL)
She’ll find out, won’t she, Angel.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
Leave her alone, Stacey.
STACEY KERENINA
I’m not doing anything.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
Sure.
(STACEY crosses to WENDY and ROXY
resumes reading her novel. )
STACEY KERENINA
You give new meaning to the word “focus”, Wendy.
(WENDY refuses to respond in any way. )
STACEY KARENINA
Take my advice and don’t overthink it.
WENDY LaFLEUR
(finally looking up at STACEY)
Can’t you see I’m busy?
STACEY KERENINA
Just trying to help.
(She crosses back to ANGEL.)
STACEY KERENINA
Wendy’s got a little problem but she won’t accept my help.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
What you gonna do, write her poem for her?
STACEY KERENINA
I could do that stupid poem in ten seconds.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
Then do mine for me.
STACEY KERENINA
Sure, a love poem to Jason.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
He’s my boyfriend, not yours.
STACEY KERENINA
I never said he wasn’t.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
If I don’t get that poem done, I’m gonna fail for sure.
STACEY KERENINA
So do it.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
(opening her binder)
Did you do yours?
STACEY KERENINA
Let’s just say it’s done.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
Lucky.
STACEY KERNINE
Lucky and smart.
(ANGEL begins to work on her poem. STACEY files her nails.)
End of Scene 2.
Waiting for English by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 3:
(ANITA TORRES enters with MANDY TELLMAN from DSR. They talk as they go to their seats.)
ANITA TORRES
I don’t have time for the global issues club, Mandy.
MANDY TELLMAN
It’s only twice a week for an hour.
ANITA TORRES
I know it’s a good cause and everything, but I’m taking a modeling course downtown right now.
MANDY TELLMAN
That’s great, Anita.
ANITA TORRES
And I’ve got Ben. Serious relationships take time.
MANDY TELLMAN
How’s he doing?
ANITA TORRES
Heading for an MBA at UBC and loving it.
MANDY TELLMAN
Maybe he could help us with fundraisers.
ANITA TORRES
He would if he could, but he’s way too busy.
MANDY TELLMAN
We’re trying to raise money for a refugee camp.
ANITA TORRES
Great, but like I said, I don’t have time.
MANDY TELLMAN
Okay.
ANITA TORRES
What’s student council up to these days?
MANDY TELLMAN
We’re planning the winter dance.
ANITA TORRES
High school dances are so sweaty and juvenile.
MANDY TELLMAN
Well, we’re juveniles and we sweat, so I guess that makes sense.
ANITA TORRES
If I’m going to sweat, I’d rather do it at Club 23.
MANDY TELLMAN
Don’t they ask for I.D.?
ANITA TORRES
Ben knows the manager, so no problem.
MANDY TELLMAN
Uh huh.
ANITA TORRES
We were there last night, so I’m kind of sleepy.
MANDY TELLMAN
Did you finish the poem?
ANITA TORRES
I got it done without even trying.
MANDY TELLMAN
How?
ANITA TORRES
Don’t tell. One of Ben’s friends is a writer. He helped me out.
MANDY TELLMAN
You’re going to hand in a poem written by someone else and say it’s yours?
ANITA TORRES
It is mine. I paid for it…or I guess I should say Ben paid for it.
MANDY TELLMAN
You’re not worried about the ethics of it?
ANITA TORRES
Money trumps ethics, Mandy. Excuse me, I’ve got a call.
(ANITA takes a phone out and text-messages Ben. MANDY sees ROXY for
the first time and crosses to her.)
MANDY TELLMAN
Excuse me.
(Roxy looks up from her book.)
You must be new.
ROXY RYCROFT
I’m Roxy. This is my first day.
MANDY TELLMAN
The Global Issues Club is looking for new members. Would you like to join?
ROXY RYCROFT
Are you the president or something?
MANDY TELLMAN
Yes. I’m Mandy.
(She offers her hand, which ROXY shakes.)
MANDY TELLMAN
It’s nice to meet you.
ROXY RYCROFT
You too.
STACEY KARENINA
(from her seat as she files her nails)
Mandy’s the president of everything, Roxy.
MANDY TELLMAN
Not everything, Stacey.
STACEY KARENINA
Student council, global issues, Amnesty International, Random Acts of Kindness, Cheer and Dance…you name it, she’s president.
MANDY TELLMAN
I like to keep busy.
STACEY KARENINA
Maybe you need a boyfriend.
(to ANGEL)
Hey, maybe you could share Jason with her!
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
Maybe you could shut up.
STACEY KARENINA
You know you love me, Angel.
MANDY TELLMAN
(to ROXY)
If you want to join Global Issues, the next meeting’s on Tuesday morning at eight.
ROXY RYCROFT
I don’t know if my dad will let me.
MANDY TELLMAN
We’re just trying to help people in need.
ROXY RYCROFT
But it’s political, isn’t it?
STACEY KARENINA
Is your dad some kind of religious freak or something, Roxy?
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
Jeeze, Stacey!
STACEY KARENINA
(to ANGEL)
What’s wrong with that? My mom goes to church, at Christmas.
ROXY RYCROFT
(to MANDY)
My dad says schools aren’t for politics.
MANDY TELLMAN
Sorry, Roxy. I didn’t mean to pressure you or anything.
ANITA TORRES
(who is now reading a fashion magazine)
She saves the pressure tactics for me.
WENDY LaFLEUR
How long ‘til class starts, Mandy?
MANDY TELLMAN
(checking her watch)
About four minutes.
WENDY LaFLEUR
Oh, god!
(She returns to her work on her poem with renewed intensity. ANITA reads her fashion magazine; STACEY returns to her seat and fusses with makeup; ROXY resumes reading her novel, and ANGEL struggles to write her poem.)
End of Scene 3.
Waiting for English by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 4:
(NIKI NORBERG enters with MADISON BIRD from DSL. They talk as they make their way to their seats.)
MADISON BIRD
There’s a sale at Frills & Things, Niki. Want to go after school?
NIKI NORBERG
I’ve got to babysit.
MADISON BIRD
Again?
NIKI NORBERG
Someone’s got to look after my little brother.
STACEY KARENINA
Your mom drives that old Toyota, doesn’t she, Niki? The brown one with the dented fender?
NIKI NORBERG
So?
STACEY KARENINA
Nothing. I see it outside the casino all the time is all.
MADISON BIRD
Bring your brother with you, Niki. They’ve got a half-price sale on shoes.
STACEY KARENINA
You need new shoes, Niki.
MANDY TELLMAN
I like the ones you’re wearing, Niki. They look comfy.
STACEY KARENINA
Mandy to the rescue!
NIKI NORBERG
(to MADISON)
I can’t bring my brother. He’s too squirmy, and he throws things.
MADISON BIRD
So maybe you should ask your mom to stay home once in a while so you can go out.
NIKI NORBERG
It’s not that simple.
MADISON BIRD
I’d go crazy if I couldn’t go shopping whenever I wanted.
NIKI NORBERG
No you wouldn’t.
MADISON BIRD
Yes I would. It’s the only thing that makes me happy.
NIKI NORBERG
Well, it’s a step up from substance abuse, I guess.
MADISON BIRD
A big step, and all you need is a plastic card.
WENDY LaFLEUR
Damn it!
(Slamming her binder on the floor, standing, and shouting to no one in particular. )
I hate poetry!
(She picks up her binder, sits down, and calmly resumes her work on her poem.)
STACEY KERENINA
Whoa! That was intense.
ANITA TORRES
A little more self-control wouldn’t hurt, Wendy.
WENDY LaFLEUR
So control yourself.
(She returns to her poem. )
MADISON BIRD
(to NIKI)
Does your mom ever win anything at the casino, Niki?
NIKI NORBERG
It’s set up so you win enough to lose even more.
MADISON BIRD
So who pays the rent at the end of the month?
NIKI NORBERG
I don’t know.
MADISON BIRD
Okay.
(a brief pause)
Do you like my new outfit?
NIKI NORBERG
It’s nice.
MADISON BIRD
I want some matching jewelry. Nothing fancy, but nice.
NIKI NORBERG
Great.
MADISON BIRD
And I’m going to get my hair done on Friday.
NIKI NORBERG
What’s the big occasion?
MADISON BIRD
I just want to get it done is all. It’s time.
NIKI NORBERG
Oh.
MADISON BIRD
You and your brother could come stay overnight on the weekend, Niki. My mom would be okay with it.
NIKI NORBERG
Thanks but one mother is more than enough.
MADISON BIRD
Did you get the poem done?
NIKI NORBERG
What do you think?
MADISON BIRD
I guess that means no.
NIKI NORBERG
What about you?
MADISON BIRD
I would have, if you could wear poems.
ANITA TORRES
You should take a modeling course, Madison, if you really want to know how to look good.
NIKI NORBERG
She looks good already.
ANITA TORRES
Yeah, if you’re trying to look like you’re in high school.
MADISON BIRD
I’m okay with that.
NIKI NORBERG
Mr. Donald’s gonna be all sad when he finds out I didn’t finish the poem.
MADISON BIRD
If we start right now, we might have something written before it’s time to hand it in.
NIKI NORBERG
How can anyone write anything about love?
MADISON BIRD
Fake it.
NIKI NORBERG
That’s the problem. You can’t fake love.
MADISON BIRD
Fake it or fail, Niki.
(MADISON opens her binder and gets to work. NIKI tries to take a little cat nap.)
End of Scene 4.
Waiting for English by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 5:
(ROCKY AVILA enters with JUANITA NIKOVIC from DSR. They talk as they go to their seats.)
ROCKY AVILA
So of course I didn’t make the basketball team. Don’t even know why I tried.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
Why’d the coach let you go?
ROCKY AVILA
Probably because I’m short. Those guys are giants.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
But you’re quick, Rocky.
ROCKY AVILA
Doesn’t make any difference. The coach likes the tall guys.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
That’s not fair.
ROCKY AVILA
Did you do the poem?
JUANITA NIKOVIC
Yes, and it felt good, too.
ROCKY AVILA
How could writing a poem feel good?
JUANITA NIKOVIC
It’s cathartic.
ROCKY AVILA
Hey, don’t throw big words at me. I bruise easily.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
Cathartic’s not a big word. It’s a little word that means “emotionally beneficial”.
ROCKY AVILA
Sure, define the big word with more big words. You’re deliberately confusing my little brain.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
“Deliberately” is a big word.
ROCKY AVILA
It’s not big; it’s just long.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
So did you do the poem?
ROCKY AVILA
I wrote some stuff.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
About love?
ROCKY AVILA
Yes, about love. That’s what he wants from us, isn’t it?
JUANITA NIKOVIC
Love?
ROCKY AVILA
No, a poem about love.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
I wrote a poem about hate.
ROCKY AVILA
Nice. Mr. Donald asks for one thing and you give him the other.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
Hate and love are two sides of the same coin.
ROCKY AVILA
Yeah, but love’s on the “pass” side, and hate’s on the “fail” side.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
I don’t care if I fail.
ROCKY AVILA
Then why waste time writing a poem?
JUANITA NIKOVIC
I told you: it’s cathartic.
STACEY KERENINA
(crossing to ROCKY)
Hi, Rocky.
ROCKY AVILA
Hey.
STACEY KERENINA
Wendy’s upset. Maybe you could go comfort her.
ROCKY AVILA
Huh?
STACEY KERENINA
I think she needs you.
WENDY LaFLEUR
(looking up from her work)
Stacey, I didn’t ask for anyone’s help, especially yours.
STACEY KERENINA
Asking is hard, Wendy, like writing a poem.
ROCKY AVILA
I don’t think it’s any of my business, Stacey.
STACEY KERENINA
Such a gentleman, hiding your real feelings.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
They’re his to hide, Stacey.
STACEY KERENINA
And so are yours, Juanita, but you don’t do it.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
That’s my choice, and none of your business.
STACEY KERENINA
When you insist on showing everyone your broken heart, it makes it our business.
ROCKY AVILA
At least she has a heart, Stacey.
STACEY KERENINA
Kids in love are so touchy.
(STACEY crosses to her seat. ROCKY and JUANITA open their binders and work on their poems.)
End of Scene 5.
Waiting for English by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 6:
(EMMA SARETSKY enters with SONIA COOPER from DSL, talking as they go to their seats.)
EMMA SARETSKY
Such a beautiful day outside. What a shame we have to go to class.
SONIA COOPER
The sky’s the colour of lead, it’s cold, and it’s raining, Emma.
EMMA SARETSKY
Yes. Beautiful. All those reflections from the rain, and the sea gulls singing through the sky, searching for treats.
SONIA COOPER
Sea gulls don’t sing; they scream, and they eat garbage.
EMMA SARETSKY
Someone’s a grumpy goose today.
SONIA COOPER
It’s that damned poem. It’s bedeviling me.
EMMA SARETSKY
Bedeviled by a poem about love!
SONIA COOPER
The devil loves my bedevilment, I guess.
EMMA SARETSKY
Now that’s poetic:
(making up a poem on the spot)
“The devil loves my bedevilment,
so I don’t love the devil.
He mocks my tired dishevelment,
and in my pain he revels.”
SONIA COOPER
Clever girl, but your instant poem doesn’t solve the problem of my unfinished poem.
EMMA SARETSKY
Not done! Oh, but Sonia, Mr. Donald insisted that it be done for today! His heart will be broken!
SONIA COOPER
Well, that’s what Thompson Donald gets for trying to make me write a love poem.
EMMA SARETSKY
Poor Mr. Donald! His last name is a first name, and his first name is a last name. Thompson Donald. Donald Thompson.
SONIA COOPER
A muddled name makes for a muddled man.
EMMA SARETSKY
Muddled and befuddled, which is why he’s such a delightful teacher.
SONIA COOPER
You only like him is because he’s eccentric like you. And I don’t have a poem for the silly man.
EMMA SARETSKY
Do you want me to write your poem for you?
SONIA COOPER
One hundred lines in a few minutes? Certainly not. Besides, he’d know it was yours.
MANDY TELLMAN
(crossing to EMMA and SONIA)
Would you two consider joining the Global Issues Club?
EMMA SARETSKY
Us?
MANDY TELLMAN
We need new members.
SONIA COOPER
So you’re scraping the bottom of the barrel .
MANDY TELLMAN
To tell the truth, we’re desperate. The club’s down to me and Junie Babiani.
EMMA SARETSKY
Poor Junie! She’s much too shy to be political.
SONIA COOPER
And Emma and I are too political to be popular.
EMMA SARETSKY
I am not unpopular! I’m just very selective when it comes to friends.
MANDY TELLMAN
Well, if you change your minds, we’d be happy to have you.
STACEY KARENINA
Mandy, why don’t you ask Rocky or Juanita?
MANDY TELLMAN
(going back to her seat)
I didn’t think they’d be interested.
ROCKY AVILA
You mean you think I’m not up for it.
MANDY TELLMAN
Oh, no, Rocky, I think you’d be great.
STACEY KARENINA
A little bird tells me Wendy thinks you’re great too, Rocky.
WENDY LaFLEUR
Hallucinating again, Stacey?.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
You could handle Global Issues no problem, Rocky.
ROCKY AVILA
I guess you didn’t see my last report card.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
Hey, Emma, you wanna help me on my poem?
EMMA SARETSKY
What’s it about?
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
A squirrel.
EMMA SARETSKY
A squirrel in love!
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
Actually, it’s roadkill.
SONIA COOPER
How romantic.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
But a biker picks it up and makes it into a fur wig for his girlfriend who’s getting chemo treatments.
EMMA SARETSKY
You don’t need my help, Angel. Your poem’s already incredible.
ANITA TORRES
(to MANDY)
Where the heck is Mr. Donald? I’ve better things to do than engage in desultory chatter.
EMMA SARETSKY
Desultory chatter! That’s a good title for a poem about love, or grief.
MANDY TELLMAN
Mr. Donald will be here soon. He’s never missed a class.
MADISON BIRD
If he doesn’t show up, I won’t have to hand in this half-written piece of crap!
NIKI NORBERG
A teacher should be there for his students.
STACEY KARENINA
Just like your mom should be there for you, right, Niki?
(The students all resume their personal activities.)
End of Scene.
Waiting for English by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 7:
(ASHTON TROUT enters with HAYLEY KARDONA from DSR. They talk as they go to their seats.)
ASHTON TROUT
So your dad moved out?
HAYLEY KARDONA
Finally.
ASHTON TROUT
Sounds like you’re glad he’s gone.
HAYLEY KARDONA
It’s better than the tension.
ASHTON TROUT
So which one are you going to live with?
HAYLEY KARDONA
I don’t know.
ASHTON TROUT
When my folks split, I picked mom.
HAYLEY KARDONA
It’s different for guys.
ASHTON TROUT
How is it different?
HAYLEY KARDONA
They’re opposite genders from their moms.
ASHTON TROUT
Hey, there’s a spectrum.
HAYLEY KARDONA
She’s like an older version of me, and my future’s not encouraging.
ASHTON TROUT
So live with your dad.
HAYLEY KARDONA
He’s too selfish.
ASHTON TROUT
So it’s not either; it’s neither?
HAYLEY KARDONA
Yeah. I’ve a mom who cares too much and a dad who doesn’t care at all.
ASHTON TROUT
Maybe you could live in our basement. It’s damp and cold, but there’s no parents there.
HAYLEY KARDONA
Thanks but I’d rather be warm and miserable. Did you do the poem?
ASHTON TROUT
I got something done, but it’s not a poem.
HAYLEY KARDONA
What is it?
ASHTON TROUT
An essay complaining about the poetry assignment.
HAYLEY KARDONA
You’re kidding. What about Mr. Donald’s blood pressure?.
ASHTON TROUT
I’m not going down without a fight.
HAYLEY KARDONA
And you’ll get one. That man thinks poetry’s going to save the planet.
ASHTON TROUT
He’s a dreamer. I’m a realist. In the end, realism wins.
HAYLEY KARDONA
Good luck.
ASHTON TROUT
How’s your poem?
HAYLEY KARDONA
Done.
ASHTON TROUT
What was your inspiration?
HAYLEY KARDONA
I looked at photos of my mom and dad when they were young and in love.
ASHTON TROUT
The dream versus the reality.
HAYLEY KARDONA
If they hadn’t been young and in love, I’d never have been born.
ASHTON TROUT
That’s one way of looking at it.
HAYLEY KARDONA
Because I’m glad I’m alive even if it hurts.
ASHTON TROUT
No pain, no gain.
HAYLEY KARDONA
No one’s going to stop me making the best of my few pitiful years on earth.
ASHTON TROUT
That’s the spirit!
HAYLEY KARDONA
And I’m never having children.
ASHTON TROUT
Why not?
HAYLEY KARDONA
Because then I’ll be my mother.
ASHTON TROUT
That doesn’t necessarily have to happen.
HAYLEY KARDONA
And you say you’re a realist?
MANDY TELLMAN
(crossing to ASHTON and HAYLEY)
Ashton, would you like to join the Global Issues Club?
ASHTON TROUT
Sorry, I don’t support left wing organizations.
MANDY TELLMAN
We’re just trying to help a refugee camp.
ASHTON TROUT
If the United Nations can’t solve the problem, what makes you think you can?
MANDY TELLMAN
What about you, Hayley?
HAYLEY KARDONA
What about me, Mandy?
MANDY TELLMAN
Do you want to join?
HAYLEY KARDONA
Only if you send me to that camp.
ANITA TORRES
Why’d you want to go to that horrible place?
HAYLEY KARDONA
It can’t be worse than my house.
MANDY TELLMAN
Actually, it’s much worse, and making jokes here doesn’t help there.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
Yeah, and if we were there, maybe we’d forget our own troubles.
NIKI NORBERG
I’d go, if there was some way I could help.
MADISON BIRD
But where would you go shopping on weekends?
ASHTON TROUT
Oh my god, no shopping!
SONIA COOPER
Shopping originates from scavenging for food, and they do a lot of that in refugee camps.
EMMA SARETSKY
A mall is a desert and the desert is a mall.
We’re all born to shop and we shop ‘til we fall.
ASHTON TROUT
Mr. Donald’s turned you into a poetry machine, Emma.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
Could I get a job in that refuge camp, Mandy? I mean, like, would they pay me to hand out bags of rice or like that?
MANDY TELLMAN
They might pay your expenses.
ROCKY AVILA
Hey, Wendy, didn’t you say you had a cousin who went to Africa or something?
WENDY LaFLEUR
Yes, I guess, but I’m busy right now, Rocky.
ROCKY AVILA
Sorry.
STACEY KARENINA
(to ANGEL)
Jason would like Africa. There’s lots of gangs there.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
He’s not a gangster, Stacey; he just picks the wrong friends.
STACEY KERENINA
Ashton, won’t you join global issues for Mandy’s sake?
ASHTON TROUT
She doesn’t need me.
STACEY KERENINA
But if you joined her club, she might start to need you, and you’d like that, wouldn’t you?
MANDY TELLMAN
Forget I asked, Ashton.
ASHTON TROUT
It’s already forgotten.
(MANDY goes back to her seat. Everyone goes back to their private behaviour.)
End of Scene 7.
Waiting for English by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 8:
(PENNY RUDDY enters with BRAD HUNTER from DSL. They talk as they go to their seats.)
PENNY RUDDY
I didn’t get the poem done. Did you?
BRAD HUNTER
Of course. I know what Mr. Donald wants, and I give it to him.
PENNY RUDDY
He’s going to fail me for sure.
BRAD HUNTER
He gave us lots of time to get it done.
PENNY RUDDY
Yeah, but it’s hard to get things done at my house.
BRAD HUNTER
Time heals, Penny.
PENNY RUDDY
Not fast enough.
BRAD HUNTER
It’s been what, three months since your brother’s accident?
PENNY RUDDY
Seems like three days. I’d do anything to bring him back.
BRAD HUNTER
At least he was doing something he loved.
PENNY RUDDY
He saved money for a year to buy that motorcycle.
BRAD HUNTER
Those crotch rockets are dangerous.
PENNY RUDDY
And he took lessons and everything.
BRAD HUNTER
There’s some things they can’t teach you.
PENNY RUDDY
What’s that supposed to mean?
BRAD HUNTER
Penny, your brother was a thrill-seeking risk-taker, and risk takers get killed.
PENNY RUDDY
You don’t have to be so blunt about it.
BRAD HUNTER
He had lots of accidents. The last one was fatal. That’s the way he lived, and the way he died.
PENNY RUDDY
You wouldn’t talk like that if it was your brother.
BRAD HUNTER
I don’t have a brother, and if I did I wouldn’t let myself get sentimental about it.
PENNY RUDDY
I’m not sentimental; I’m in grief, okay?
BRAD HUNTER
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
PENNY RUDDY
What?
BRAD HUNTER
The stages of grief. You’re at the anger stage.
PENNY RUDDY
It’s not as simple as that.
BRAD HUNTER
Yes it is. Stuff happens; we react. We’re just animals, Penny.
PENNY RUDDY
My brother wasn’t an animal. He was a bright, wonderful young man.
BRAD HUNTER
Was a bright wonderful young man. Animals die, Penny, even bright, wonderful ones.
PENNY RUDDY
You know what, Brad? You’re the animal, not my brother.
BRAD HUNTER
I guess you’re not past the denial stage, either.
(seeing MADISON and crossing to her)
Hey, Madison.
MADISON BIRD
Brad.
BRAD HUNTER
That’s a great outfit.
MADISON BIRD
Why, thank you, Brad.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
Same old line, eh, Brad?
BRAD HUNTER
It’s the truth. Madison looks great today.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
They all look great ‘til you get what you want from them.
ROCKY AVILA
Hey, Juanita, there’s no point.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
Sure there’s a point. I’m not letting him get away with his crap.
BRAD HUNTER
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
Damned rights.
BRAD HUNTER
What’s past is past, Juanita. There’s no point dragging it into the present.
ANITA TORRES
(to MANDY)
Oh, god, another teenage melodrama. Wake me up when it’s over.
BRAD HUNTER
As I was saying before we were so rudely interrupted, you really do look great today, Madison.
MADISON BIRD
Thank you.
BRAD HUNTER
You’re welcome.
(BRAD returns to his seat beside PENNY.)
STACEY KERENINA
Well, that was interesting.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
(working on her poem)
What rhymes with “have to work”.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
“Brad’s a jerk”.
BRAD HUNTER
Sticks and stones, Juanita. Sticks and stones.
PENNY RUDDY
Why don’t you go sit beside Madison, Brad.
BRAD HUNTER
I wasn’t trying to be mean about your brother. I only meant we should face the fact we’re animals.
STACEY KERENINA
Predators and prey, right, Brad?
BRAD HUNTER
Stacey, I’ve asked you, quite nicely and more than once, not to talk to me or about me.
STACEY KERENINA
There’s this thing called the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, Brad, and it guarantees free speech.
SONIA COOPER
(to EMMA SARETSKY)
Look who’s being political!
EMMA SARETSKY
I bet she’s going to be a lawyer one day.
BRAD HUNTER
(to ROXY)
Hey, you’re new.
ROXY RYCROFT
Yeah.
BRAD HUNTER
Don’t be scared, I won’t bite.
JUANITA AVILA
Said the wolf to the canary.
ROCKY AVILA
(to ROXY)
What’s your name?
ROXY RYCROFT
Roxy.
ROCKY AVILA
I’m Rocky.
ROXY RYCROFT
Hi.
ROCKY AVILA
Hi.
STACEY KERININA
Careful, Rocky. You might make Wendy jealous.
WENDY LaFLEUR
Of what? I don’t go out with geeks.
SONIA COOPER
“Geeks” are circus performers who bite the heads off live chickens, Wendy.
WENDY LaFLEUR
I don’t care what they are. I’m not going out with one and that’s that.
EMMA SARETSKY
I think Sonia’s simply saying that Rocky’s not a geek.
JUANITA NIKOVIK
We all know who’s the geek around here, and his initials are “B” for Brad, “H” for Hunter.
BRAD HUNTER
Juanita, give it a rest, will you?
JUANITA NIKOVIK
Oh, sorry, Mr. Sensitive.
STACEY KARENINA
Isn’t love wonderful?
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
This love poem’s driving me crazy.
HAYLEY KARDONA
If Mr. Donald doesn’t get here soon, I’m leaving.
ASHTON TROUT
He’ll be here to pick up his poems, mark my words.
PENNY RUDDY
I don’t have a poem for him to pick up.
ANITA TORRES
Stop whining and grow up.
MADISON BIRD
I quit growing in grade seven.
NIKI NORBERG
How much longer should we wait?
MANDY TELLMAN
We can’t just leave; it’s against the rules.
EMMA KARETSKY
It’s like the play “Waiting for Godot”. We wait and wait, but the person we’re waiting for never shows up.
SONIA COOPER
Sort of like being asleep or something.
WENDY LaFLEUR
(indicating her work)
He better show up after I’ve gone to all this trouble.
(Everyone resumes their private activities.)
End of Scene 8.
Waiting for English by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 9:
(TYRA STOLO and MEREDITH LaGUARDIA enter from DSR and talk as they go to their seats.)
TYRA STOLO
Good, Mr. Donald’s not here yet.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
I’ve got the world’s worst headache.
TYRA STOLO
Drinking again?
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
What do you mean “again”?
TYRA STOLO
Didn’t you get drunk on the weekend too?
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
I didn’t say I got drunk last night.
TYRA STOLO
But you did, didn’t you?
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
It was just a bottle of wine.
TYRA STOLO
A whole bottle?
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
One bottle doesn’t usually give me a hangover.
TYRA STOLO
A whole bottle last night?
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
Stop! It was a nice light white wine and it took me all evening to drink it.
TYRA STOLO
While you were composing your poem?
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
Wine’s romantic. It’s perfect for composing a love poem.
TYRA STOLO
Did you get the poem finished?
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
No. I fell asleep.
TYRA STOLO
Passed out, you mean.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
It takes more than a bottle of wine to make me pass out.
TYRA STOLO
You say it like you’re proud of it.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
I can handle alcohol no problem.
TYRA STOLO
But could you handle no alcohol?
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
No alcohol?
TYRA STOLO
I bet you couldn’t go for two weeks without a drink.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
I could so.
TYRA STOLO
Prove it.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
I bet you couldn’t go two years in the same foster home.
TYRA STOLO
Ouch.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
Sorry. But I don’t like to be hassled about my drinking.
TYRA STOLO
I go where they send me. That’s how the system works.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
Don’t you have some relatives somewhere you could live with?
TYRA STOLO
An uncle. But he doesn’t want me.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
Why not?
TYRA STOLO
He thinks I’ll turn his perfect little girl and boy into street zombies.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
You probably would.
TYRA STOLO
It’s not the street that makes you into a zombie.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
I wouldn’t know.
TYRA STOLO
You will one day if you keep drinking the way you do.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
Can we please stop talking about that?
TYRA STOLO
Sorry.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
So did you do the stupid poem?
TYRA STOLO
Yes. All one hundred lines.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
What’s it about?
TYRA STOLO
You.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
Me?
TYRA STOLO
You.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
What did you say about me?
TYRA STOLO
I can’t tell you.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
Why?
TYRA STOLO
You asked me to stop talking about it.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
So you wrote about my drinking?
TYRA STOLO
It’s a fascinating subject.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
But it’s private! You’re going to let Mr. Donald read about my private life?
TYRA STOLO
He told us to write something based on our experience.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
How is my drinking your experience?
TYRA STOLO
I’m always there to scrape you off the floor at parties.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
That’s only happened a couple of times.
TYRA STOLO
More like a couple of dozen times.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
If you hand in that poem, you can forget about me being your friend. I mean it.
TYRA STOLO
If you don’t get your drinking under control, you can forget about me being your friend, and I mean that too.
(They open their binders and ignore each other.)
ANITA TORRES
When is that teacher going to get here? I’m going to get Ben to contact the school board about him.
MANDY TELLMAN
Maybe he had a family emergency.
STACEY KERENINA
Or maybe he’s dead or something.
ANITA TORRES
Oh, please!
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
I’ve never had a dead teacher before.
NIKI NORBERG
I guess we won’t have to hand in those poems if he doesn’t get here.
MADISON BIRD
Good, because I can’t hand in something I haven’t done.
ROCKY AVILA
Maybe you went to all that trouble for nothing, Juanita.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
I’m glad I wrote it and I don’t care if I hand it in or not.
ROCKY AVILA
Oh yeah……it was “cathartic”.
SONIA COOPER
“Cathartic”! That’s a big word for a little boy!
EMMA SARETSKY
We all need a little catharsis now and then.
ASHTON TROUT
That’s what toilets are for.
HAYLEY KARDONA
I don’t think that’s what it means, Ashton.
PENNY RUDDY
No, he’s right. A “cathartic” is something to loosen the bowels.
BRAD HUNTER
So that’s your problem, Juanita.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
Drop dead.
STACEY KARENINA
You two shouldn’t fight. You know you really love each other.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
Shut up, Stacey.
STACEY KARENINA
What did I say?
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
You’re really something, Stacey.
STACEY KARENINA
I know.
(Everyone resumes their inner silence.)
End of Scene.
Waiting for English by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 10:
(ELMER TAMBOURI enters with ALEX MARR from DSL. They talk as they go to their seats.)
ELMER TAMBOURI
He’s not here yet.
ALEX MARR
A good thing, considering we’re more than just a little late.
ELMER TAMBOURI
Sorry.
ALEX MARR
I don’t see why I had to go with you to meet that guy.
ELMER TAMBOURI
I needed backup in case anything went wrong.
ALEX MARR
What could have gone wrong?
ELMER TAMBOURI
The guy could have had a gun or something.
ALEX MARR
What the heck are you talking about?
ELMER TAMBOURI
I owe him money, okay?
ALEX MARR
What for?
ELMER TAMBOURI
It doesn’t matter what for. The point is, I had to ask him for more time.
ALEX MARR
And he had a gun?
ELMER TAMBOURI
I don’t know. He might have.
ALEX MARR
Don’t you think you should have told me that before we met the guy?
ELMER TAMBOURI
Then you wouldn’t have gone with me.
ALEX MARR
I could be lying on the ground dead right now.
ELMER TAMBOURI
But you’re not, so stop complaining.
ALEX MARR
Did you do the poem?
ELMER TAMBOURI
No.
ALEX MARR
Then why are you even bothering to come to class?
ELMER TAMBOURI
I’m going to ask for an extension.
ALEX MARR
Mr. Donald doesn’t give extensions.
ELMER TAMBOURI
I’m a special case.
ALEX MARR
What? You got a learning disability or something?
ELMER TAMBOURI
Something like that.
ALEX MARR
You mean you smoke too much marijuana.
ELMER TAMBOURI
That’s not my fault.
ALEX MARR
Then whose fault is it?
ELMER TAMBOURI
Society’s.
ALEX MARR
Hey, there’s Angel.
ELMER TAMBOURI
So?
ALEX MARR
Doesn’t she look great?
ELMER TAMBOURI
If you say so.
ALEX MARR
I’m going to go talk to her.
ELMER TAMBOURI
Doesn’t she already have a boyfriend?
ALEX MARR
What difference does that make?
ELMER TAMBOURI
He’s some sort of gangster.
ALEX MARR
I’m going to save her from him.
ELMER TAMBOURI
What if he has a gun?
ALEX MARR
He’s not here.
(crossing to ANGEL)
Hi.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
(looking up from her poem)
I’m kinda busy.
(She goes back to work on her poem.)
ALEX MARR
Is that your poem?
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
(giving up on her poem)
What do you think?
ALEX MARR
I was hoping it was a love letter.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
A love letter?
ALEX MARR
To me.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
Why would I write a love letter to you?
ALEX MARR
Why not?
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
Because I have a boyfriend.
ALEX MARR
But does he make you happy?
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
I don’t see as how that’s any of your business.
ALEX MARR
Sure it’s my business. You see, I could make you happy.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
How?
ALEX MARR
By giving you this.
(He produces a flower and hands it to her. She takes it.)
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
A plastic flower?
ALEX MARR
I bet your boyfriend doesn’t give you plastic flowers.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
Hey, Elmer! Come get your pal, will you?
ELMER TAMBOURI
I told you, Alex!
(ELMER crosses to ALEX and gently leads him back to his seat.)
ALEX MARR
I think I impressed her.
ELMER TAMBOURI
Yeah, now she thinks you’re an idiot.
ALEX MARR
No, seriously, I think she likes me.
ELMER TAMBOURI
You live in a dream world, Alex.
ALEX MARR
Look who’s talking, Mr. Marijuana.
ELMER TAMBOURI
I’m gonna quit soon.
ALEX MARR
The only thing you’re going to quit is school.
(They open their binders and try to do some work.)
MEREDITH LAGUARDIA
I thought I was going to get in trouble for being late, but still no teacher.
TYRA STOLO
We’re like a bunch of orphans.
MEREDITH LAGUARDIA
Do you have any aspirin?
TYRA STOLO
No.
MEREDITH LAGUARDIA
I wish I could just go home.
BRAD HUNTER
Madison?
MADISON BIRD
Yes, Brad?
BRAD HUNTER
I dare you to walk out of here with me.
MADISON BIRD
I don’t think I should.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
Good choice, Madison.
BRAD HUNTER
How about staying the heck out of my life, Juanita.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
There’s nothing I’d like better.
PENNY RUDDY
Don’t fight. Life’s too short.
HAYLEY KARDONA
When you lose something you love, you’ve got to learn to move on and find something new to love.
ASHTON TROUT
Mandy, maybe I will join Global Issues.
MANDY TELLMAN
That’d be great, Ashton!
STACEY KERENINA
Are you hot or something, Ashton? Your face is all red.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
One day you might fall in love, Stacey.
STACEY KERENINA
I love you, Angel.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
No you don’t.
SONIA COOPER
Love is a very general term. Some say that hate is a form of love. I had a lizard I hated, and when he died, I cried and cried.
EMMA SARETSKY
Death is always a sorrowful thing. If Mr. Donald was dead, I’d have to go for long walks to deal with my grief.
ROCKY AVILA
Could I go with you, Emma? I mean, if Mr. Donald died and you went for a walk?
EMMA SARETSKY
Why certainly, Rocky. Wendy, would you go walking with us if Mr. Donald died?
WENDY LaFLEUR
Are you kidding? If he was dead, I’d have a poem-burning party.
NIKI NORBERG
Mandy, do you think I’d be any good at Global Issues?
MANDY TELLMAN
You don’t have to be good at it to join, Niki.
NIKI NORBERG
I mean, I’d like to join. It’s just that I have to babysit a lot.
ANITA TORRES
Look, Niki, your mother’s a gambling addict and a loser. Dump her and get a life.
MANDY TELLMAN
Anita!
ANITA TORRES
I can’t stand to hear her snivelling about babysitting all the time.
WENDY LaFLEUR
Having more trouble with self-control, Anita?
ANITA TORRES
I hate having to sit here with you brats.
TYRA STOLO
Then why don’t you leave?
ANITA TORRES
Don’t tempt me.
(she indicates with her thumb and finger)
I’m this close to walking out of here and away from all this stupid teen spirit.
TYRA STOLO
You should be grateful for our company. It’s not easy to be alone.
ANITA TORRES
I’ve got Ben.
TYRA STOLO
Do you really think some rich guy is going to be able to make you happy forever?
ANITA TORRES
He does a way better job of it than you kids.
ROXY RYCROFT
(to MANDY, putting her hand in the air)
Excuse me, Mandy, but could I go to the washroom?
MANDY TELLMAN
I’m not the teacher, Roxy.
ROXY RYCROFT
Oh yes, of course.
End of Scene 10.
Waiting for English by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 11:
(JUNIE BABIANI, LILY BURCHAK, and BABE POSTULO enter DSR, talking as they go to their seats.)
JUNIE BABIANI
There’s Alex!
LILY BURCHAK
Go and talk to him, Babe.
BABE POSTULO
I don’t know. Maybe later.
LILY BURCHAK
How are you going to get a boyfriend if you don’t try?
BABE POSTULO
I said maybe later.
JUNIE BABIANI
I’m never going to get a boyfriend.
BABE POSTULO
Don’t say that, Junie.
LILY BURCHAK
There’s got to be somebody out there who wants you, Junie.
JUNIE BABIANI
Do you really think so?
BABE POSTULO
How many men are there in the world?
JUNIE BABIANI
Maybe a billion.
LILY BURCHAK
And one of them’s waiting for you, Junie.
JUNIE BABIANI
What if he’s a terrorist with bad teeth?
BABE POSTULO
You’ll cross that bridge when you come to it.
JUNIE BABIANI
Did you guys finish the poem?
BABE POSTULO
I finished mine but it’s stupid.
LILY BURCHAK
I had to look after Mom last night.
JUNIE BABIANI
Oh, Lily, I’m sorry to hear that.
BABE POSTULO
Is she sick again?
LILY BURCHAK
She’s always sick; it just gets really bad sometimes.
JUNIE BABIANI
Can’t they do anything for her?
LILY BURCHAK
Just chemo and radiation. That just makes things worse.
BABE POSTULO
Does your dad help you look after her?
LILY BURCHAK
He does his best, but he has to work nights to make enough money for the mortgage payments.
JUNIE BABIANI
So you’re like a nurse?
ILY BURCHAK
I’ve got to cook her meals and give her her meds and clean the house and do the laundry.
BABE POSTULO
No wonder you don’t have time to write a poem.
LILY BURCHAK
My aunt comes over when she can, but she’s got her own family to worry about.
JUNIE BABIANI
It doesn’t seem fair.
LILY BURCHAK
Stuff happens, Junie. Nature doesn’t care about being fair.
BABE POSTULO
My granny died of cancer, but she was old.
LILY BURCHAK
My mom’s only forty-three.
JUNIE BABIANI
Is she going to die, Lily?
LILY BURCHAK
Everyone dies.
JUNIE BABIANI
But I mean soon.
LILY BURCHAK
(wanting to change the subject)
Babe, why don’t you go talk to Alex now.
BABE POSTULO
All right. What’ll I say?
JUNIE BABIANO
Just ask him if he did the poem.
LILY BURCHAK
And then ask him if he’ll show it to you.
BABE POSTULO
I’m scared.
JUNIE BABIANO
Just do it. What could go wrong?
BABE POSTULO
He could laugh at me, or tell me to get lost.
LILY BURCHAK
He wouldn’t do that. He’s a nice guy.
BABE POSTULO
How do you know?
LILY BURCHAK
I just know.
JUNIE BABIANO
Do it, Babe.
BABE POSTULO
All right. Take a deep breath, and……go!
(crossing to ALEX)
Hi, Alex.
ALEX MARR
Hey.
BABE POSTULO
Did you do it?
ALEX MARR
Do what?
BABE POSTULO
Nothing.
(BABE crosses back to JUNIE and LILY)
JUNIE BABIANO
That was fast.
BABE POSTULO
I feel so stupid.
LILY BURCHAK
Go back and try again.
BABE POSTULO
No way!
JUNIE BABIANO
Do it, Babe……you’ve got nothing to lose now.
BABE POSTULO
Oh god, I think I’m going to try again.
LILY BURCHAK
That’s the way, Babe. Love should never quit.
(BABE crosses to ALEX again)
BABE POSTULO
Hi.
ALEX MARR
What now?
BABE POSTULO
I was wondering about your poem.
ALEX MARR
Yeah?
BABE POSTULO
Did you get it done?
ALEX MARR
Uh huh.
BABE POSTULO
I bet it’s really good.
ALEX MARR
It sucks.
BABE POSTULO
No, I bet it’s good.
ALEX MARR
It’s about a dog and a man.
BABE POSTULO
That’s so cool! I’d never be able to think of something like that.
ALEX MARR
Do you have a learning disability or something?
BABE POSTULO
No, no, I’m average.
ALEX MARR
Average?
BABE POSTULO
I mean on the IQ tests and that.
ALEX MARR
Me too. I’m average too. Most of us are average. That’s why it’s called “average”.
BABE POSTULO
You sure are smart.
ALEX MARR
Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to check my poem one more time.
BABE POSTULO
Oh, sure. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bother you.
ALEX MARR
You didn’t bother me very much.
BABE POSTULO
Okay, then. Well. Goodbye, Alex.
ALEX MARR
You’re just going to be right over there.
BABE POSTULO
Oh yes. I meant I’ll talk to you later.
ALEX MARR
Uh huh.
(BABE crosses back to LILY and JUNIE)
JUNIE BABIANI
Well?
LILY BURCHAK
Did you make him fall in love with you?
BABE POSTULO
Oh, god, I’m such an idiot! I said such stupid things!
JUNIE BABIANI
A girl in love will do anything, Babe.
BABE POSTULO
Don’t I know it!
JUNIE BABIANI
Once, when I had crush on Bobby Bunter in grade three, I kissed his shoe!
LILLY BURCHAK
No way!
JUNIE BABIANI
I pushed him down and pulled it off his foot and kissed it.
BABE POSTULA
That’s going way too far.
LILLY BURCHAK
No it’s not! It’s romantic! Kissing his shoe!
ELMER TAMBOURI
Babe’s got a crush on you, Alex.
ALEX MARR
Looks that way.
ELMER TAMBOURI
And you’ve got a crush on Angel.
ALEX MARR
It’s not a crush. It’s love.
ELMER TAMBOURI
So what are you going to do about it?
ALEX MARR
(crossing to BABE)
Babe, I don’t think it’s going to work out between us.
BABE POSTULA
What?
ALEX MARR
There’s someone else.
(He returns to his seat. BABE watches him go and starts to cry.)
JUNIE BABIANI
Oh, Babe! Poor Babe!
LILY BURCHAK
Don’t cry, honey, or I’ll cry too.
BABE POSTULA
I knew it! No one wants me!
STACEY KARENINA
(crossing to BABE)
What’s the matter, Babe? Did Alex say something mean?
LILY BURCHAK
It’s none of your business, Stacey.
STACEY KARENINA
Oh, Lily, you don’t have to say mean things just because you’re all upset about your mother.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
For god’s sake, Stacey! Her mother’s dying!
STACEY KARENINA
(crossing back to ANGEL)
Is she? I didn’t know that!
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
Uh huh.
End of Scene.
Waiting for English by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 12:
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
Tyra, do you wish you could find your real mother?
TYRA STOLO
No. I’d rather imagine someone perfect.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
Maybe she’s someone really nice.
TYRA STOLO
Or maybe she’s a drunk.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
Don’t look at me like that.
TYRA STOLO
Don’t you go having a baby and giving it away because you prefer booze.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
I’d never do that.
TYRA STOLO
Meredith, drunks only care about one thing: the next drink.
MEREDITH LaGUARDIA
I care about you, Tyra.
TYRA STOLO
Because I scrape you off the floor.
BRAD HUNTER
What did you do with your brother, Penny? I mean, with his remains.
PENNY RUDDY
Nothing. They’re in a box under my mother’s bed.
BRAD HUNTER
She likes to keep him close by, huh?
PENNY RUDDY
Something like that.
BRAD HUNTER
If I get killed before I graduate, I want you to mix my ashes in a can of paint, and use it to paint my name in giant letters on the side of a mountain.
PENNY RUDDY
You’re not going to die.
BRAD HUNTER
If it could happen to your brother, it could happen to me.
PENNY RUDDY
You’re too much of a jerk to get killed.
BRAD HUNTER
Hey, jerks die too. Adolph Hitler, Josef Stalin, Attila the Hun…
PENNY RUDDY
All right, Brad. If you die, I’ll paint your name on a mountain.
HAYLEY KARDONA
Ashton, why did you pick your mom to stay with after your parents divorced?
ASHTON TROUT
I don’t think you really want to know the gory details, Hayley.
HAYLEY KARDONA
Gory?
ASHTON TROUT
Let’s just say my father made it clear he didn’t want me.
HAYLEY KARDONA
That’s rough.
ASHTON TROUT
Yes. It was rough. He’s a big man with a mean temper.
HAYLEY KARDONA
He hit you?
ASHTON TROUT
He called it “correcting my behaviour”.
HAYLEY KARDONA
My parents never did anything like that to me.
ASHTON TROUT
The weird part is that I loved my dad anyway. You said, “When you lose something you love, you’ve got to move on and find something new to love.”
HAYLEY KARDONA
Yeah.
ASHTON TROUT
Well, that’s what I’m trying to do.
HAYLEY KARDONA
With Mandy?
ASHTON TROUT
With Mandy. Even though it’s hopeless.
HAYLEY KARDONA
You never know. Hey Mandy!
MANDY TELLMAN
Yes, Hayley?
HAYLEY KARDONA
Do you want to go for coffee with me and Ashton after school and work on a strategy for bringing the Global Issues club back to life?
MANDY TELLMAN
Sure. Cheer and Dance is canceled today so I’m free.
ASHTON TROUT
Thanks, Hayley.
HAYLEY KARDONA
You’re welcome. Now it’s up to you.
SONIA COOPER
Emma, what’s it like to have hippy parents?
EMMA SARETSKY
They’re not hippies, Sonia; they’re artists.
SONIA COOPER
What I mean is, they have a rather bohemian lifestyle.
EMMA SARETSKY
It’s fun living in a dome with a big hole in the top. We’ve got a telescope so we can look at the stars at night.
SONIA COOPER
That’s what I mean. At my house, all we’ve got is books.
EMMA SARETSKY
We’ve got books too. Dad makes them out of parchment and hand-paints the first letter on every page.
SONIA COOPER
My father never makes anything except money.
EMMA SARETSKY
He must be very clever.
SONIA COOPER
Oh, he’s clever, but he lives in his head. I just wish he’d do something real for once, like painting letters on parchment.
EMMA SARETSKY
Just walk right up to him with a piece of paper and a pencil and ask him to draw your face.
SONIA COOPER
I could never do that.
EMMA SARETSKY
Of course you could. Pick a time when he has no excuse not to do it.
SONIA COOPER
If he had to draw my face, he’d really have to look at me, wouldn’t he?
EMMA SARETSKY
Yes. He’d have to “get real”.
SONIA COOPER
Maybe I’ll do it.
ROCKY AVILA
You’re pretty broken-hearted about Brad, aren’t you, Juanita.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
That’s putting it mildly.
ROCKY AVILA
I see what happens to people like you, and it makes me feel stupid for having a crush on Wendy.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
Kids who fall in love just get hurt.
ROCKY AVILA
You’ll meet someone else.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
I don’t want to.
ROCKY AVILA
I wish Wendy would just say one nice thing to me.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
If she doesn’t love you, that would just make things worse.
ROCKY AVILA
I’m such an idiot.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
You’re a great guy, Rocky. Don’t call yourself stupid all the time, because you’re not.
ROCKY AVILA
I can’t even impress Wendy with my basketball skills now I’m off the team.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
Rocky, face it: the only people Wendy wants to impress are her parents because they’ve got her scared silly about getting anything less than 99% on every assignment.
ROCKY AVILA
I’m lucky if I get a C.
JUANITA NIKOVIC
But you get an “A” for being my friend, Rocky.
MADISON BIRD
Niki, you know those red shoe of mine you like so much?
NIKI NORBERG
Sure, the ones you got last week.
MADISON BIRD
I’m giving them to you.
NIKI NORBERG
But they were so expensive!
MADISON BIRD
I said giving, not selling.
IKI NORBERG
Oh, Madison, I couldn’t.
MADISON BIRD
It’s not up to you.
NIKI NORBERG
But why? You love those shoes.
MADISON BIRD
Not as much as I love you.
NIKI NORBERG
My mom will never believe you gave them to me.
MADISON BIRD
I’ll tell her.
NIKI NORBERG
Oh, you don’t want to meet my mom.
MADISON BIRD
She needs to see you have a friend who thinks you’re more than a convenient babysitting service.
NIKI NORBERG
What are you trying to say, Madison?
MADISON BIRD
I was sitting here listening to everyone, and I suddenly felt silly and empty and the only good thing I could think of was you…and our friendship.
NIKI NORBERG
Friendship.
MADISON BIRD
I can’t buy friendship at the mall, Niki.
NIKI NORBERG
No, I suppose you can’t.
MADISON BIRD
So take my red shoes. The best things in life are free.
MANDY TELLMAN
Anita, do you think you’ll marry Ben?
ANITA TORRES
Maybe, if he’ll have me.
MANDY TELLMAN
Shouldn’t it be the other way round?
ANITA TORRES
Huh?
MANDY TELLMAN
Shouldn’t you decide whether or not you’ll have him?
ANITA TORRES
He’s ambitious, Mandy. He takes what he thinks will help him get to the top.
MANDY TELLMAN
So he uses people?
ANITA TORRES
That’s life. It’s something we figure out when we grow up.
MANDY TELLMAN
You let him use you.
ANITA TORRES
Let’s just say I give him what he wants and he gives me what I want. That’s the secret of success, Mandy.
MANDY TELLMAN
Success.
ANITA TORRES
Like I said, you’ll understand when you grow up.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
I’m never going to graduate, Stacey. Too dumb.
STACEY KERENINA
Lots of stupid people graduate, Angel.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
People like you.
STACEY KERENINA
It’s a good thing I’m your friend, or I’d be offended.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
You’re good at being mean to people, Stacey, but you’ve always given me a break. Why?
STACEY KERENINA
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
That’s the whole deal with you: you go on your merry way, slashing and burning, with a smile on your face and a song on your lips.
STACEY KERENINA
They’ve got some great drugs for PMS, Angel. Just ask your doctor.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
This isn’t PMS, Stacey.
STACEY KERENINA
Jason must be making you crabby, then. He’s a troubled young man, after all.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
There’s no point trying to get through to you, is there.
STACEY KERENINA
You say the strangest things, Angel.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
You’re like a pretty little pearl-handled switchblade or something.
STACEY KERENINA
I am pretty, aren’t I!
ROXY RYCROFT
(crossing to WENDY)
Excuse me.
WENDY LaFLEUR
What?
ROXY RYCROFT
I think I’m going to go home now.
WENDY LaFLEUR
Why tell me?
ROXY RYCROFT
I thought maybe you could tell the teacher for me.
WENDY LaFLEUR
I’m not a messenger service.
ROXY RYCROFT
Well, I thought that you might help me out, because you’re such a hard worker and everything.
WENDY LaFLEUR
Just because I work hard doesn’t mean I’m nice, okay?
ROXY RYCROFT
Yes, I’ve noticed that you’re not very nice, but you seem like a good student.
WENDY LaFLEUR
Do I?
ROXY RYCROFT
So will you tell the teacher that I was here but had to go?
WENDY LaFLEUR
I can’t tell whether you’re crazy or stupid.
ROXY RYCROFT
Well, to tell the truth, I’m neither.
WENDY LaFLEUR
Look, if I agree to tell the teacher you were here, will you leave me alone?
ROXY RYCROFT
Oh yes, of course.
WENDY LaFLEUR
Then I’ll do it.
ROXY RYCROFT
I think I’ll wait a few more minutes anyway.
WENDY LaFLEUR
Were you sent here by Mr. Donald to torment me?
ROXY RYCROFT
I won’t waste a second more of your time.
(ROXY returns to her seat.)
ALEX MARR
I guess Mr. Donald isn’t going to make it today.
ELMER TAMBOURI
It’s weird. He must have crashed his car or something.
JUNIE BABIANI
Maybe we should just leave.
LILY BURCHAK
The bell’s going to ring any second.
BABE POSTULO
But what about the poems?
WENDY LaFLEUR
I think I’m finished.
(looking around)
I think we’re all finished.
WENDY and ROXY
The poem’s done.
WENDY, ROXY, STACEY, and ANGEL
We made it together.
WENDY, ROXY, STACEY, ANGEL, ANITA, MANDY, NIKI
Each word we spoke was part of the poem.
WENDY, ROXY, STACEY, ANGEL, ANITA, MANDY, NIKI, MADISON, ROCKY, JUANITA, EMMA
Each bitter exchange was a struggle for love.
WENDY, ROXY, STACEY, ANGEL, ANITA, MANDY, NIKI, MADISON, ROCKY, JUANITA, EMMA, SONIA, ASHTON, HAYLEY, PENNY
We teased and we laughed and we fought and we cried.
WENDY, ROXY, STACEY, ANGEL, ANITA, MANDY, NIKI, MADISON, ROCKY, JUANITA, EMMA, SONIA, ASHTON, HAYLEY, PENNY, BRAD, TYRA, MEREDITH, ALEX
Weaving a wonderful story together.
WENDY, ROXY, STACEY, ANGEL, ANITA, MANDY, NIKI, MADISON, ROCKY, JUANITA, EMMA, SONIA, ASHTON, HAYLEY, PENNY, BRAD, TYRA, MEREDITH, ALEX, ELMER, JUNIIE, LILY
The teacher was absent. We did not need him.
WENDY, ROXY, STACEY, ANGEL, ANITA, MANDY, NIKI, MADISON, ROCKY, JUANITA, EMMA, SONIA, ASHTON, HAYLEY, PENNY, BRAD, TYRA, MEREDITH, ALEX, ELMER, JUNIIE, LILY, BABE
We don’t need a teacher to learn about love.
ANGEL DeLaROCHE
We don’t need a teacher to learn about love.
END OF PLAY.