Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2005
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 55 minutes.
• style: allegorical comedy
• suitable for general audiences
• 25 characters (18 female, 9 male)
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Audition in Black” takes place during a rehearsal of a production of “Hamlet” in a traditional theatre. A young woman awaiting an audition witnesses the turmoil of the rehearsal, but no one but the caretaker and stage manager seems to know she’s there.
(This play was first performed on March 1, 2, 3, 4, 7, in the year 2005, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
Go to:
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CHARACTERS:
Judith Hamilton, an actor
Gretchen Roach, stage manager
Rex Abelsen, theatre caretaker
Jamie Kurbis, an actor
Debbie Holt, an actor
Merlin Parks, scenic designer
Ann LaFrance, design assistant
Nina Golina, design assistant
Karen Swan, design assistant
Thompson Dan, choreographer
Kortny McNeil, dancer
Felicity Zorn, dancer
Truck McTaggart, carpenter
Aldo Nugent, carpenter’s Assistant
Dorothy Murray, an actor
Biff Delhorn, an actor
Gertrude Dinsmore, lighting designer
Taffy Cook, design assistant
Bunny Brown, lighting console operator
Nelly Randall, chorus actor
Gabby Bagnall, chorus actor
Lynette Braidwood, chorus actor
Monique Laval, chorus actor
Nonny Olsen, chorus actor
Maria Lee, chorus actor
Peg Zubek, chorus actor
Greer Bottom, chorus coach
Note: Lines from the following speech from “Hamlet, Prince of Denmark” are used throughout this play. In “Hamlet”, they are spoken by Queen Gertrude, and tell the story of Ophelia, Hamlet’s lover, who fell into madness and drowned:
QUEEN GERTRUDE
“There is a willow grows aslant a brook,
That shows his hoar leaves in the glassy stream;
There with fantastic garlands did she come
Of crow-flowers, nettles, daisies, and long purples
That liberal shepherds give a grosser name,
But our cold maids do dead men’s fingers call them:
There, on the pendent boughs her coronet weeds
Clambering to hang, an envious sliver broke;
When down her weedy trophies and herself
Fell in the weeping brook. Her clothes spread wide;
And, mermaid-like, awhile they bore her up:
Which time she chanted snatches of old tunes;
As one incapable of her own distress,
Or like a creature native and indued
Unto that element: but long it could not be
Till that her garments, heavy with their drink,
Pull’d the poor wretch from her melodious lay
To muddy death.”
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 1:
(An empty stage. JUDITH HAMILTON enters alone, looks around, goes centrestage and practices part of her monologue, which is from “Hamlet”, and is spoken by Queen Gertrude. While she is speaking, REX ABELSEN enters and watches, unseen by her.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
“There is a willow grows aslant a brook,
That shows his hoar leaves in the glassy stream;
There with fantastic garlands did she come
Of crow-flowers, nettles, daisies, and long purples
That liberal shepherds give a grosser name,
But our cold maids do dead men’s fingers call them:
There, on the pendent boughs her coronet weeds
Clambering to hang….”
(to herself)
That was terrible. So “high school”. I should have done more preparation.
REX ABELSEN
Sounded pretty to me.
JUDITH HAMILTON
(surprised to find she’s not alone)
Oh! You surprised me. I didn’t see you.
REX ABELSEN
Most folks don’t. I’m the caretaker.
JUDITH HAMILTON
Am I in the way?
REX ABELSEN
No, no…practice all you want.
JUDITH HAMILTON
I’d like to be the caretaker of a beautiful theatre like this.
REX ABELSEN
It’s a lonely job. Can I get you anything?
JUDITH HAMILTON
Pardon?
REX ABELSEN
Do you need anything?
JUDITH HAMILTON
That’s very kind of you, but no, I’m fine, thank you.
REX ABELSEN
If you want something, just shout.
(He exits.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
(resuming her practice)
“There, on the pendent boughs her coronet weeds
Clambering to hang, an envious sliver broke;
When down her weedy trophies and herself
Fell in the weeping brook”….no, no…. “and herself
Fell in the weeping….”
(giving up)
It’s so difficult. I should have picked an easier one.
End of Scene 1.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 2:
(GRETCHEN, the stage manager, enters. She has a clipboard.)
GRETCHEN
How’d you get in here?
JUDITH HAMILTON
I’m sorry…the door was open…and I’m supposed to have an audition, so I just came right in.
GRETCHEN
Name?
JUDITH HAMILTON
Hamilton…Judith Hamilton.
GRETCHEN
(checking her clipboard)
Hamilton…Hamilton…oh yes.
(looks at her watch)
And it’s…2:45.
(writes the time beside JUDITH’s name on the clipboard)
I’m Gretchen, the stage manager.
JUDITH HAMILTON
(offering her hand to GRETCHEN)
Pleased to meet you.
GRETCHEN
(not taking her hand)
The casting director will be along presently.
(GRETCHEN exits.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
(resuming her practice)
“Her clothes spread wide;
And, mermaid-like, awhile they bore her up:
Which time she chanted snatches of old tunes;
As one incapable of her own distress”…no…
“As one incapable of her own distress….”
(again giving up)
I hate iambic pentameter!
End of Scene 2.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 3:
(JAMIE KURBIS and DEBBIE HOLT enter. They seem not to notice JUDITH)
JAMIE KURBIS
From the top?
DEBBIE HOLT Why not.
(They enact a scene from “Hamlet”, with JAMIE as Hamlet, and DEBBIE as Queen Gertrude, Hamlet’s mother.)
HAMLET
Now, mother, what’s the matter?
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended.
HAMLET
Mother, you have my father much offended.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Come, come, you answer with an idle tongue.
HAMLET:
Go, go, you question with a wicked tongue.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Why, how now, Hamlet!
HAMLET
What’s the matter now?
QUEEN GERTRUDE:
Have you forgot me?
HAMLET:
No, by the rood, not so:
You are the queen, your husband’s brother’s wife;
And — would it were not so! — you are my mother.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Nay, then, I’ll set those to you that can speak.
HAMLET
Come, come, and sit you down; you shall not budge;
You go not till I set you up a glass
Where you may see the inmost part of you.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
What wilt thou do? thou wilt not murder me?
Help, help, ho!
(JUDITH claps for the performance, but they seem not to hear her.)
JAMIE KURBIS
That was awful.
DEBBIE HOLT
The word “ham” comes to mind, and not just because it’s “Hamlet”.
JAMIE KURBIS
Me or you?
DEBBIE HOLT
You, of course….
(imitating him)
“Mother, you have my father much offended!”
JAMIE KURBIS
He’s angry, for god’s sake.
DEBBIE HOLT
Haven’t you heard of “understatement”?
JUDITH HAMILTON
I thought it was splendid!
(Again they seem not to have heard her.)
JAMIE KURBIS
Let’s go to the green room.
DEBBIE HOLT
May as well. No one else is here yet.
(They exit.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
Maybe they were concentrating too hard to notice me.
End of Scene 3.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 4:
(The CHORUS enters, except PEG ZUBEK, with their coach, GREER BOTTOM, who has a clipboard.)
GREER BOTTOM
I want all you chorus people to stand upstage in a line.
(The chorus go upstage and form a line facing downstage,)
GREER BOTTOM
I’m Greer Bottom. I’ve been assigned to coach the chorus. This is the main stage. Feast your eyes upon it. Now, names, please.
NELLY RANDALL
Nelly Randall, Mr. Bottom. It’s an honour to work with you.
GREER BOTTOM
(checking her name off on his clipboard)
Keep it short. Names only.
GABBY BAGNALL
Gabby Bagnall, your honour.
GREER BOTTOM
I’m not “your honour”…this isn’t a court.
LYNETTE BRAIDWOOD
(showing one of her legs provocatively)
Lynette Braidwood, sweetheart.
GREER BOTTOM
Hide that leg.
(she does)
Next.
MONIQUE LAVAL
Monique Laval. I’m a first-string singer and dancer, sir.
GREER BOTTOM
Just consider yourself lucky to be here, Miss Laval. Next.
NONNY OLSEN
Nonny Olsen, Mr. Bottom.
GREER BOTTOM
What’s wrong with your voice?
NONNY OLSEN
Nothing, sir. That’s just the way it sounds.
GREER BOTTOM
Poor thing. Next.
MARIA LEE
Maria Lee…I was in “Anything Goes”…
GREER BOTTOM
I hate musicals.
MARIA LEE
Oh, me too!
GREER BOTTOM
Is that it?
(There’s no reply. He consults his clipboard.)
GREER BOTTOM
Where’s Peg….Zu-becki?
(He puts the emphasis on the second syllable. There is no response.)
GREER BOTTOM
Peg Zubecki?
(PEG ZUBEK runs in, out of breath.)
PEG ZUBEK
Peg Zubek, Mr. Bottom. That’s Zu-bek, with a “Zee”…sorry I’m late.
GREER BOTTOM
“Zed”, Miss Zubecki, not “Zee”.
PEG ZUBEK
Yes, sir.
GREER BOTTOM
Now, I know you all want to be stars, but you’re not. You’re in the chorus for “Hamlet”. It’s a great honour. Chorus work is demanding and creative, and calls for a particular kind of brilliance. Understand?
(They look at him blankly. NELLY RANDALL puts her hand in the air.)
GREER BOTTOM
Miss…
(consults his clipboard)
Randall?
NELLY RANDALL
I understand completely, Mr. Bottom…it’s such a great honour to…
GREER BOTTOM
Can it, Miss Randall. I can’t stand toadies. Just do the work.
(LYNETTE BRAIDWOOD puts her hand in the air.)
GREER BOTTOM
Yes Miss…
(looks at his clipboard)
…Braidwood?
LYNETTE BRAIDWOOD
You’re flying low, Mr. Bottom!
(The chorus members giggle.)
GREER BOTTOM
(pulling up his fly)
Yes. I was testing you to see how observant you are. A chorus member must observe everything, and that includes crotches.
(This produces a smattering of good-natured mirth. GABBY BAGNALL raises her hand.)
GREER BOTTOM
Miss…
(the clipboard again)
…Bagnall?
GABBY BAGNALL
Will we be called upon to do any stage fighting, Mr. Bottom? I’m a highly-trained gymnast and an expert in self-defense.
GREER BOTTOM
I don’t care if you’re Attila the Hun! Can you stand still on stage? Can you support the actor who has the focus by correct reaction work? Those are the big questions, ladies…
MONIQUE LAVAL
Mr. Bottom, I don’t mean to butt in, but the girls and I are wondering if we’ll be wearing Elizabethan gowns.
(The CHORUS members call out “yes, yes” and “will we” and “those gowns are so gorgeous” etc.)
GREER BOTTOM
I believe the costume designer wants you in burlap.
MONIQUE LAVAL
Burlap? You mean potato sacks?
GREER BOTTOM
Yes, but dyed black, with holes cut in them for your face, arms, and legs.
NONNY OLSEN
I think I’m allergic to burlap. I might turn a fierce shade of red.
GREER BOTTOM
You can be replaced.
NONNY OLSEN
No, no…I can wear makeup…
MARIA LEE
Mr. Bottom, I’m willing to do anything. Dress me any way you want! Paint my face blue if you like! Make me do cartwheels into the audience! I’ll do anything for art, for the theatre!
GREER BOTTOM
Then how about shutting up for the theatre? Now, I hope no one else has got something to ask, because we’ve got a busy schedule…
PEG ZUBEK
Just a little question, Mr. Bottom. A little teensy question.
GREER BOTTOM
Yes Miss…
(consulting clipboard and again emphasizing the final syllable and adding an “i”))
…Zubecki?
PEG ZUBEK
It’s ZU-bek, sir, with no “i”. Is there a washroom nearby?
GREER BOTTOM
Do you have a bladder problem, Miss Zubecki?
PEG ZUBEK
I can hold it, sir, for as long as necessary…it’s painful, but I can hold it.
GREER BOTTOM
Good girl. Now follow me…I’ll show you the main dressing room.
(They exit.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
Maybe I should just have tried out for the chorus.
End of Scene 4.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 5:
(REX ABELSEN enters.)
REX ABELSEN
You okay?
JUDITH HAMILTON
Yes, thank you.
REX ABELSEN
You sure, now?
JUDITH HAMILTON
Well, I am a bit cold…
REX ABELSEN
They like to keep it cool in here.
JUDITH HAMILTON
Yes.
REX ABELSEN
I could get you a coat from the costume room.
JUDITH HAMILTON
No…thank you anyway…I’ll be fine.
REX ABELSEN
If you change your mind, just give a shout.
JUDITH HAMILTON
I will.
(REX exits. She resumes her practice)
JUDITH HAMILTON
“…but long it could not be
Till that her garments, heavy with their drink,
Pull’d the poor wretch from her melodious lay
To…to….
(pulling a page of script from her pocket and studying it)
Pull’d the poor wretch…from…from…”
(giving up)
It’s impossible! I may as well be talking complete nonsense!
End of Scene 5.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 6:
(GRETCHEN, the stage manager, enters.)
GRETCHEN
Did you see a couple of actors hereabouts?
JUDITH HAMILTON
Yes…they were doing the queen’s bedroom scene from “Hamlet”.
GRETCHEN
They’re due in makeup in…
(looks at her watch)
…five minutes. Where are they?
JUDITH HAMILTON
They said they were going to the green room.
GRETCHEN
The green room? The green room? Why would they go there, the twerps!
JUDITH HAMILTON
Is the casting director here yet?
GRETCHEN
(peering out towards the audience)
Hard to say Miss…
(consulting her clipboard)
…Hamilton. It’s dark out there.
(GRETCHEN exits.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
(out towards audience)
Hello! Hello! Is anyone there?
(She waits for a reply, but none comes.)
End of Scene 6.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 7:
(MERLIN PARKS, ANN LaFRANCE, NINA GOLINA, and KAREN SWAN enter.)
MERLIN PARKS
The director wants a minimalist motif in black for this production.
ANN LaFRANCE
In black? Well, that’s easy…it’s already minimal and black in here.
NINA GOLINA
What about the flats and props, Mr. Parks?
MERLIN PARKS
Black, Ms. Golina.
KAREN SWAN
And the set pieces?
MERLIN PARKS
Black, black, black and more black.
NINA GOLINA
How about shades of grey?
MERLIN PARKS
Acceptable to a point.
KAREN SWAN
Excuse me, Mr. Parks, but how can we use grey if we’re supposed to stick to black.?
MERLIN PARKS
You went to design school, Miss Swan.
KAREN SWAN
Yes…
MERLIN PARKS
Then you know as well as I do that “black” is not just black. It can be tinted in any number of ways, and be softened into a wonderful palette of greys without losing its nomenclature as “black”.
ANN LaFRANCE
I suggest we place risers upstage left…with flats attached to represent cold stone walls.
MERLIN PARKS
Yes, that would be effective, Ms. LaFrance. A sort of dark, foreboding presence.
NINA GOLINA
Nothing like blackness and gloom for a tragedy.
KAREN SWAN
Wouldn’t it be a nice change to do one in white?
MERLIN PARKS
Heresy, Ms. Swan! Heresy! Besides, the director has decided, and we must submit ourselves to his artistic tyranny.
ANN LaFRANCE
What are we going to do about a brook? You know, for the drowning scene?
MERLIN PARKS
Something stygian.
KAREN SWAN
Pardon?
ANN LaFRANCE
Stygian. You know…the River Styx?
NINA GOLINA
Greek mythology, Ms. Swan. Don’t they teach you anything in design school these days?
ANN LaFRANCE
The River Styx, Ms. Swan, the black river that separates the living from the dead.
MERLIN PARKS
Yes, a dark and foreboding stream is what we need . No pretty little Danish brook for us. Now, time to go to the workshop and have a tête-à-tête with those awful carpenters.
KAREN SWAN
The old one always makes passes at me.
(They exit.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
Black! That’s a bit morbid.
(practicing her monologue again)
“There is a willow grows aslant a brook,
That shows his hoar leaves in the glassy stream;
There with fantastic garlands did she come…”
(with sudden realization)
A willow grows aslant a brook….the River Styx…that separates the living from the dead.
End of Scene 7.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 8:
(JAMIE KURBIS and DEBBIE HOLT enter with GRETCHEN, the stage manager.)
GRETCHEN
You’re supposed to be in makeup.
JAMIE KURBIS
We were rehearsing.
GRETCHEN
In what scene does Hamlet drink coffee in the green room?
DEBBIE HOLT
We were discussing subtext.
GRETCHEN
You’ll be discussing where to find a new job if you don’t get down to makeup right now!
JAMIE KURBIS
(to DEBBIE HOLT)
Do you suppose there’s a stage manager somewhere in the world who’s not an ogre?
DEBBIE HOLT
I doubt it.
(They exit.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
Excuse me…I’m still waiting for my audition…
GRETCHEN
Look, Miss…
(consults clipboard)
…Hamilton…you’re supposed to be an actor, and actors, first and foremost, are patient!
(GRETCHEN exits.
End of Scene 8.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 9:
(The CHORUS enters, with GREER BOTTOM.)
GREER BOTTOM
Fan out on the stage! Fan out! Come on, don’t dawdle! I’m not asking you to fly to the moon!
(The CHORUS “fans out” as best they can.)
GREER BOTTOM
Now try to stand still. I want to put you through a few drills, to see what you can do.
NELLY RANDALL
Watch, Mr. Bottom, watch!
(She does some extravagant dance moves. The other CHORUS members watch her with a mixture of awe, disapproval, and suspicion.)
GREER BOTTOM
(roaring)
Miss Randall! Stop at once!
(NELLY RANDALL stops.)
GREER BOTTOM
(heatedly)
You’re a member of the chorus in a Shakespearian tragedy, for god’s sake, not a high kicking hoofer in some godforsaken musical comedy!
(All the CHORUS are cowed by his outburst.)
GREER BOTTOM
Now, I want you all to become neutral!
(they try)
Now, SHAPE your bodies and faces into something that suggests GRIEF!
(they try)
That’s it! MORE! Give MORE! TWIST yourselves…SCREW UP YOUR EYEBALLS!
(They strain at being grief-stricken, with incredibly twisted bodies and faces.)
GREER BOTTOM
(roaring)
MORE!
PEG ZUBEK
(still in her frozen, twisted position)
MR. BOTTOM, for the LOVE of GOD, LET ME GO PEE!
GREER BOTTOM
NO, Miss Zubecki! You must learn to SUFFER for ART! You must EMBRACE the PAIN!
PEG ZUBEK
(letting out a long, drawn-out roaring scream of pain and frustration, like a woman giving birth) WAAAAAAGGAGGKHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It’s ZU-BEK!
GREER BOTTOM
All right, you can relax now. Miss Zubecki, go and relieve yourself.
(she exits hurriedly)
Now, what did you learn from the exercise? Miss Bagnall?
GABBY BAGNALL
It was amazing! For a moment, I thought I saw a giant balloon face floating in front of me, like as if Shakespeare had turned into a latex party favour just for me.
GREER BOTTOM
Good, good. Miss Braidwood?
LYNETTE BRAIDWOOD
Ummm, as I was twisting, I felt as though my internal organs were becoming dislodged.
GREER BOTTOM
That’s quite normal…yes, quite normal. How about you, Miss Laval?
MONIQUE LAVAL
I came within an inch of experiencing explosive diarrhea.
GREER BOTTOM
A natural by-product of artistic strain. Miss Olsen?
NONNY OLSEN
I remembered the death of my budgie…he suffocated under my pillow during a birthday sleepover…such a sweet little bird.
GREER BOTTOM
Good…sense memory…Stanislavsky would be proud. And Miss Taylor…you looked particularly convoluted.
MARIA LEE
Do you know, for the first time I felt as though I finally understood how much I must suffer for art. From now on, I’m going to sleep in a bathtub full of cold water, eat only known carcinogens, and wear shoes that are two sizes too small.
GREER BOTTOM
That’s a start…but we’ve all got to begin somewhere. Now, let’s get you outside for a nice long jog in the rain.
(They exit.)
End of Scene 9.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 10:
(REX ABELSEN enters.)
REX ABELSEN
You look tired, Miss…maybe you’d like a glass of water?
JUDITH HAMILTON
Yes, actually…that would be nice.
REX ABELSEN
Cheer up…something will happen in the end. I’ll be back with your water in a jiffy.
(He exits.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
Waiting makes me nervous.
End of Scene 10.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 11:
(KORTNY McNEIL and FELICITY ZORN enter. They don’t seem to see JUDITH.)
FELICITY ZORN
I’ve never danced in a Shakespeare production.
KORTNY McNEIL
Don’t worry…it’s no different than any other gig.
FELICITY ZORN
I want to do a good job…I mean, this is the real thing!
KORTNY McNEIL
It’s not exactly Broadway, Felicity.
FELICITY ZORN
What do you think of this?
(She takes a little run and does a short leap.)
KORTNY McNEIL
Not bad. But you need a little more “loft”. Watch!
(She takes a run, and does a leap, only higher and farther than Felicity.)
FELICITY ZORN
You’re so talented, Kortny.
KORTNY McNEIL
Tush! Tush! Hard work pays off, Felicity…hard work pays off!
FELICITY ZORN
What do you think of my twirl?
(She executes a twirl.)
KORTNY McNEIL
Twirling is all about torque, kid. Watch!
(She does some twirls.)
KORTNY McNEIL
(ending her twirls with a flourish)
Ta-daaa!
FELICITY ZORN
Gee!
KORTNY McNEIL
Death scenes are fun to dance to.
FELICITY ZORN
We’re doing a death scene?
KORTNY McNEIL
Yeah. I hope the choreographer knows what she’s doing. If it was me, I’d go for upward thrusts, kind of like the spirit of the dead person ascending to heaven.
(She executes a couple of “upward thrusts”.)
FELICITY ZORN
That’s beautiful.
KORTNY McNEIL
Uh huh.
(THOMPSON DAN enters.)
THOMPSON DAN
Ladies! I’m Thompson Dan, the choreographer.
KORTNY McNEIL
Oh! I thought it was going to be Aleisha Newton.
THOMPSON DAN
Well, I guess you got lucky.
FELICITY ZORN
Pleased to meet you, Mr. Dan.
THOMPSON DAN
Call me Thompson, dear. We’re all hoofers, after all.
KORTNY McNEIL
I’m Kortny McNeil, and this is Felicity Zorn…it’s her first gig.
THOMPSON DAN
You poor thing!
FELICITY ZORN
Oh, I don’t mind!
JUDITH HAMILTON
Excuse me…could you tell me the time?
THOMPSON DAN
(not responding to JUDITH)
Come on down to the studio. I’d like to see what you can do on the bar, and perhaps after you could do a workout on the pole.
KORTNY McNEIL
You bet.
(They exit.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
I wonder what time it is.
(she practices some more)
“When down her weedy trophies and herself
Fell in the weeping brook…”
(giving up)
Oh, I sound like a perfect idiot!
End of Scene 11.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 12:
(REX ABELSEN enters with a glass of water.)
REX ABELSEN
This ought to be good for what ails you.
JUDITH HAMILTON
(taking the glass gratefully)
Thanks awfully. Cheers!
(She takes a pull at the water, then hands back the glass.)
REX ABELSEN
Better?
JUDITH HAMILTON
You know, it’s funny…I feel just as thirsty even after drinking all that.
REX ABELSEN
But it was cool and refreshing while you were drinking it.
JUDITH HAMILTON
Yes, I suppose it was.
REX ABELSEN
I’m always nearby. Shout if you want me.
(He exits.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
I feel as though I’m drying up like a tiny puddle in a desert.
End of Scene 12.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 13:
(GRETCHEN the stage manager enters with MERLIN PARKS, ANN LaFRANCE, NINA GOLINA, and KAREN SWAN.)
GRETCHEN
You’re behind schedule.
MERLIN PARKS
My dear Gretchen, we were consulting with the carpenters, and they’re devilishly slow.
ANN LaFRANCE
You’d think they’d be able to knock together a few simple flats and risers.
NINA GOLINA
The only thing they’re good at is putting up obstacles to our requests.
KAREN SWAN
The old one made a pass at me again.
GRETCHEN
If I had a dollar for every excuse I’ve heard in this business, I’d own this theatre instead of working in it for a pittance!
MERLIN PARKS
Rome wasn’t built in a day, my dear Gretchen, and neither was Hamlet’s castle. I will not be bullied! Come along, ladies.
(They exit.)
GRETCHEN
That cheeky old rascal should have been sent packing years ago.
(GRETCHEN exits.)
End of Scene 13.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 14:
(JAMIE KURBIS and DEBBIE HOLT enter.)
JAMIE KURBIS
They’re looking for a new Ophelia.
DEBBIE HOLT
Good heavens. What happened to the old one?
JAMIE KURBIS
Nobody’s talking. Illness, accident, suicide. Who knows?
DEBBIE HOLT
I never met her.
JAMIE KURBIS
Me either.
DEBBIE HOLT
It’s still early in the process. She can be replaced easily enough.
(They exit.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
It’s as if I don’t exist. Not a very welcoming atmosphere.
(she practices)
“and long purples
That liberal shepherds give a grosser name,
But our cold maids do dead men’s fingers call them…
(reflecting on her words)
Dead men’s fingers…what a strange name for water weeds..
End of Scene 14.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 15:
(GREER BOTTOM jogs in with the CHORUS, who are exhausted.)
GREER BOTTOM
Jog on the spot now! On the spot! All right, rest.
(They slump down on the stage, collapsing like deflated balloons.)
GREER BOTTOM
You’re beginning to get the hang of chorus work. It’s all about iron discipline and a callous disregard for personal comfort.
MARIA LEE
I’m so grateful to you, Mr. Bottom. So far, this has been the best day of my life.
GREER BOTTOM
You’re learning the great paradox of art, Miss Taylor….a true artist knows that suffering is fun, and fun is suffering.
GABBY BAGNALL
Do chorus actors have shortened lifespans?
GREER BOTTOM
Of course, but a short life is well-worth the joy of a thankless career spent upstage, working like a dog, unnoticed by the audience.
MONIQUE LAVAL
Shoot me now and get it over with.
GREER BOTTOM
Cheer up, Miss Laval, the day’s just starting.
MONIQUE LAVAL
(a long groan)
Ohhhhhhhhh!
PEG ZUBEK
I never dreamed chorus work would be so sweaty.
GREER BOTTOM
An excellent way to get rid of toxins.
LYNETTE BRAIDWOOD
At least I’ll have a firm, well-toned body.
NONNY OLSEN
Stuffed into a shapeless burlap potato sack.
GREER BOTTOM
Your body will be a hidden secret that only you will know.
NELLY RANDALL
Why are there no men in the chorus, Mr. Bottom?
GREER BOTTOM
The vast majority of men are mentally ill and incapable of true empathy.
(The CHORUS laugh and laugh at this. Finally, after they subside into silence.)
GREER BOTTOM
Now let me take you to meet the makeup artists, where you’ll learn how to make yourselves look like seven identical twins so that even your grandmother in the first row won’t know which one you are.
(They exit.)
End of Scene 15.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 16:
(TRUCK McTAGGART and ALDO NUGENT, the carpenters, enter.)
TRUCK McTAGGART
(with a tape measure)
Give me a hand measuring this area for the risers, Aldo.
ALDO NUGENT
Sure thing, Truck.
(They begin to measure upstage left.)
TRUCK McTAGGART
Let’s see…eight feet should do it.
(He takes a pencil from his ear and makes notes in a small notebook.)
ALDO NUGENT
How about eight by four? Risers are usually eight by four.
TRUCK McTAGGART
I’m gonna make ‘em eight by five. Live dangerously, I say.
ALDO NUGENT
You’re the boss.
(They measure some more.)
ALDO NUGENT
Merlin Parks was out of line, yelling at you like he did.
TRUCK McTAGGART
That old fairy’s never used a saw or a hammer in his life, and he got the nerve to tell us how to do it.
ALDO NUGENT
Those artsy-fartsy designers couldn’t drive a nail if their life depended on it.
TRUCK McTAGGART
But that little one…what’s her name? Karen?
ALDO NUGENT
Something like that. She’s a cute little thing. Do you think she’s single?
TRUCK McTAGGART
What difference does that make?
ALDO NUGENT
Nothing for an old guy like you, ‘cause you got no chance with her anyway.
TRUCK McTAGGART
Says who?
ALDO NUGENT
Nature. It ain’t natural for an old man to hustle a kid.
TRUCK McTAGGART
I’m only thirty-nine.
ALDO NUGENT
Reverse those numbers, and you get closer to the truth.
(GRETCHEN the stage manager enters.)
GRETCHEN
Mr. McTaggart and Mr. Nugent, are you going to stand there all day arguing or are you going to build a set?
TRUCK McTAGGART
We’re discussing dimensions.
GRETCHEN
Miss Swan’s, no doubt.
TRUCK McTAGGART
What’s the matter, Gretchen? You going through “the change”?
(TRUCK looks at ALDO, and they chuckle.)
GRETCHEN
There’s going to be a change of carpenters if you don’t get a move on!
ALDO NUGENT
Come on, Truck. No sense trying to reason with her. She’s a stage manager.
(They exit.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
Those two are hardly “gentlemen of the theatre”.
GRETCHEN
Maybe not, but they play their part, just like you should.
JUDITH HAMILTON
But I don’t have the part…yet.
GRETCHEN
Poor kid. You don’t get it, do you?
(GRETCHEN exits.)
End of Scene 16.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 17:
(REX ABELSEN enters with a folding chair)
REX ABELSEN
Here’s something for you to sit on besides the floor.
(He sets it up for her.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
You’re very kind.
(She sits.)
REX ABELSEN
Remember, I’m always…
JUDITH HAMILTON
…nearby. Yes, I’ll remember.
(He exits.)
End of Scene 17.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 18:
(NELLY RANDALL and GABBY BAGNALL from the chorus enter.)
NELLY RANDALL
A five minute break, Gabby! Mr. Bottom’s a slave driver.
GABBY BAGNALL
I’ve never worked so hard in my life, Nelly, but it’s worth it.
NELLY RANDALL
If you want to be a star, you’ve got to start at the bottom.
GABBY BAGNALL
Got to pay your dues. You’re twitching.
NELLY RANDALL
Pardon?
GABBY BAGNALL
Twitching.
NELLY RANDALL
Where?
GABBY BAGNALL
Never mind…it’s stopped.
NELLY RANDALL
Gabby, what if I twitch on stage?
GABBY BAGNALL
Mr. Bottom will fire you.
NELLY RANDALL
But I need this job…I’ve got two babies to feed.
GABBY BAGNALL
You have babies?
NELLY RANDALL
Kittens…but they’re adorable.
(They exit as LYNETTE BRAIDWOOD and MONIQUE LAVAL enter.)
LYNETTE BRAIDWOOD
Do think I’m pretty enough to get noticed by a talent scout, Monique?
MONIQUE LAVAL
They’re going to make us all look the same, Lynette…in those burlap sacks, with all that goopy makeup.
LYNETTE BRAIDWOOD
I want to stand out somehow…I’ve got to become a star.
MONIQUE LAVAL
Why?
LYNETTE BRAIDWOOD
Because I want to be able to pick a decent husband.
MONIQUE LAVAL
I guess if you were a star you could marry just about anyone you wanted.
LYNETTE BRAIDWOOD
But right now, the only guys who give me the time of day are two-bit losers with only one thing on their minds.
MONIQUE LAVAL
Take my advice and stay single. Then you won’t have to be a star and you can wear a burlap sack and enjoy it.
(They exit as NONNY OLSEN and MARIA LEE enter.)
NONNY OLSEN
I’ve got a tension headache.
MARIA LEE
You’ve got to relax if you want to make it in showbiz, Nonny.
NONNY OLSEN
Everyone tells me to relax, but that just jacks up the tension.
MARIA LEE
I drink.
NONNY OLSEN
Pardon?
MARIA LEE
I drink to relax.
NONNY OLSEN
Isn’t that dangerous…isn’t it the first step on the slippery slope?
MARIA LEE
I’m on the third or fourth step and sliding fast.
NONNY OLSEN
If it gets in the way of your work here, they’ll fire you, Maria.
MARIA LEE
If they do, my next drink can have me all to itself.
NONNY OLSEN
Like Romeo had Juliet all to himself, after she’d killed herself.
(They exit as PEG ZUBEK enters.)
PEG ZUBEK
(looking around the theatre)
One day, this will be all mine!
(She walks downstage centre and delivers part of a monologue.)
PEG ZUBEKI
“Let not thy mother lose her prayers, Hamlet:
I pray thee, stay with us; go not to Wittenberg…”
(As she speaks, GREER BOTTOM enters and watches.)
GREER BOTTOM
(finally getting her name right)
What are you doing, Miss Zubek?
PEG ZUBEK
One day, I’ll stand here in front of a full house and say those lines!
GREER BOTTOM
Your job is to stand on this stage in front of a full house while somebody else says those lines. Think about that…learn how to do that…instead of wasting your time daydreaming about someone else’s job.
(They exit.)
End of Scene 18.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 19:
(JAMIE KURBIS and DEBBIE HOLT enter.)
DEBBIE HOLT
I wonder why they want us to wear “clown-white” makeup on our faces?
JAMIE KURBIS
Must be symbolic…maybe they want to make us pale like the faces of the dead or something.
DEBBIE HOLT
And the set and costumes are to be all in black!
(playing Queen Gertrude)
“Good Hamlet, cast thy nighted colour off,
And let thine eye look like a friend on Denmark.
Do not for ever with thy vailed lids
Seek for thy noble father in the dust:
Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die,
Passing through nature to eternity.”
JAMIE KURBIS
(playing Hamlet)
‘Tis not alone my inky cloak, good mother,
That can denote me truly:
I have that within which passeth show;
These but the trappings and the suits of woe.”
(GRETCHEN enters)
GRETCHEN
Get to wardrobe! Now!
(GRETCHEN and the actors exit.)
End of Scene 19.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 20:
(MERLIN PARKS, ANN LaFRANCE, NINA GOLINA, and KAREN SWAN enter.)
MERLIN PARKS
I suggest we place black foliage here.
(He indicates downstage right.)
ANN LaFRANCE
Shrubs?
MERLIN PARKS
Shrubs. And perhaps a tree upstage somewhere.
NINA GOLINA
Something gnarled, twisted, and dark as midnight.
KAREN SWAN
A black tree?
MERLIN PARKS
As black as Hades, with black crows perched in the branches.
KAREN SWAN
It’s all so depressing.
ANN LaFRANCE
It’s a tragedy, Karen.
(They exit.)
End of Scene 20.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 21:
(THOMPSON DAN enters with KORTNY McNEIL and FELICITY ZORN.)
THOMPSON DAN
Now show me if you can cut a few capers here on the stage like you did in the studio. Miss McNeil, you first.
KORTNY McNEIL
With pleasure!
(KORTNY bounds across the stage, pirouettes, and flings herself back across the stage, ending with a leap and final position with her hands in the air.)
THOMPSON DAN
Lovely! Now you, Miss Zorn.
FELICITY ZORN
Oh, dear! I’m not sure I can!
KORTNY McNEIL
Don’t be silly, Felicity. It’s fun!
FELICITY ZORN
All right. Here I go!
(She bounds across the stage, attempts a pirouette, tries to bound back, but falls.)
THOMPSON DAN
(running to her while KORTNY puts her hands on her cheeks in shock)
My dear, are you all right?
(He helps her up.)
FELICITY ZORN
Oh, Mr. Dan…I’m such a clumsy girl!
THOMPSON DAN
There, there, dear. Let Kortny assist you while I demonstrate.
(KORTNY takes FELICITY by the arm and THOMPSON DAN bounds across the stage, pirouettes, and returns, like KORTNY did earlier, though more stiffly).
THOMPSON DAN
See? If an old fellow like me can do it, so can you.
FELICITY ZORN
Yes, yes…as they say, if you fall off the horse, you must get right back on!
THOMPSON DAN
Let’s get you to green room and put some salve on those bruises.
(They escort her offstage.)
End of Scene 21.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 22:
(TRUCK McTAGGART and ALDO NUGENT enter, carrying two small wooden rostrum boxes.)
TRUCK McTAGGART
She can’t complain about these.
ALDO NUGENT
Mine’s built like a brick shithouse.
TRUCK McTAGGART
(as they place the boxes upstage)
I don’t understand women.
ALDO NUGENT
How so?
TRUCK McTAGGART
They’ll go for a fella who buys a fancy car, but they won’t even look at a guy who builds a sturdy box with his own two hands.
ALDO NUGENT
I hear you. If this was cave man times, women would go for us, because we got manual skills.
(They exit. JUDITH goes to their boxes, she tries sitting on one, then standing on the other.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
They are sturdy.
(she practices some of her monologue)
“There, on the pendent boughs her coronet weeds
Clambering to hang, an envious sliver broke;
When down her weedy trophies and herself
Fell in the weeping brook”
(she leans out and pretends to fall into the “brook”)
It’s such a romantic monologue!
End of Scene 22.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 23:
(DOROTHY MURRAY and BIFF DELHORN enter.)
DOROTHY MURRAY
I’m furious. Rosencrantz? I’m to play Rosencrantz? A man?
BIFF DELHORN
But Dorothy, there are only two speaking parts for women in “Hamlet”.
DOROTHY MURRAY
And Debbie Holt gets chosen for Queen Gertrude, for some reason.
BIFF DELHORN
She’s got the right look.
DOROTHY MURRAY
And I don’t?
BIFF DELHORN
Why didn’t you audition for Ophelia?
DOROTHY MURRAY
They told me not to bother. Too old.
BIFF DELHORN
God, they’re cruel.
DOROTHY MURRAY
And so, I will have to play a man.
BIFF DELHORN
And you’ll make a damned good one.
DOROTHY MURRAY
You’re not helping.
BIFF DELHORN
But I’ll but out here with you.
DOROTHY MURRAY
You’ll be fine as Guildenstern, but I just don’t have any feeling for Rosencrantz.
BIFF DELHORN
Well, you’ve got try to think like a man.
DOROTHY MURRAY
And how do men think?
BIFF DELHORN
A man’s brain changes over time. How we think depends on how old we are.
DOROTHY MURRAY
Uh huh.
BIFF DELHORN
When we men are born, we don’t have any brains at all.
DOROTHY MURRAY
And when you get older?
BIFF DELHORN
Our brains start to develop down where our legs meet.
DOROTHY MURRAY
That explains a lot of things.
BIFF DELHORN
As they years pass, our brains gradually rise up, migrating slowly northwards towards our heads.
DOROTHY MURRAY
Where’s yours now?
BIFF DELHORN
(pounding his fist on his chest over his heart)
Right about here!
DOROTHY MURRAY
So your brain and your heart are in the same place?
BIFF DELHORN
For a little while…
(throwing his arms open, inviting her to have a hug)
….so enjoy me while you can!
DOROTHY MURRAY
My hero!
(She throws herself into his arms joyously as GRETCHEN enters.)
GRETCHEN
I don’t recall anything in the script that suggests Rosencrantz and Guildenstern have a romantic relationship.
BIFF DELHORN
(as they break apart with embarrassment)
Just friends, Gretchen.
GRETCHEN
(stabbing at her watch face with her fingertip)
Well, you two “friends” were supposed to be in makeup ten minutes ago!
DOROTHY MURRAY
Oh god…they’re going to glue a beard on me.
GRETCHEN
And right after you’re to go to wardrobe.
(GRETCHEN exits..)
BIFF DELHORN
Maybe they’ll equip you with a codpiece.
DOROTHY MURRAY
Well, if I’m going to have a beard, I may as well have a penis.
(They exit.)
End of Scene 23.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 24:
JUDITH HAMILTON
I’m so tired.
(again, she attempts to rehearse her monologue)
“Her clothes spread wide;
And, mermaid-like, awhile they bore her up:
Which time she chanted snatches of old tunes;
As one incapable of her own distress…”
(Sighing, she goes and sits on her folding chair. REX ABELSEN enters with a blanket.)
REX ABELSEN
(going to her and wrapping the blanket round her)
This ought to keep the chill away for a while.
JUDITH HAMILTON
Thank you…I am rather cold…my blood..it’s not circulating well…all this waiting, I guess.
REX ABELSEN
Don’t worry…the waiting will end…it always does.
(He exits.)
End of Scene 24.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 25:
(MERLIN PARKS, ANN LaFRANCE, NINA GOLINA, and KAREN SWAN enter with TRUCK McTAGGART and ALDO NUGENT.)
MERLIN PARKS
Mr. McTaggart, I don’t know how to put it to you more plainly…
(going upstage centre)
I want a simple four-by-eleven canvas flat constructed and placed right here.
TRUCK McTAGGART
We don’t make ‘em four-by-eleven.
ALDO NUGENT
We make ‘em four-by-ten and four-by-twelve. That’s it.
ANN LaFRANCE
How hard can it be to make one that’s eleven feet high instead of ten or twelve?
TRUCK McTAGGART
The cutting jigs are preset for ten and twelve.
KAREN SWAN
Couldn’t you just cut twelve inches off a twelve-foot flat?
TRUCK McTAGGART
I’d hate to see twelve inches go to waste, little lady.
KAREN SWAN
Mr. Parks, he’s doing it again.
NINA GOLINA
How vulgar!
MERLIN PARKS
Mr. McTaggart, I must ask you to stop indulging in sexual innuendo at the expense of my junior assistant.
TRUCK McTAGGART
Are we through here? Me and Aldo got work to do.
ALDO NUGENT
We got work to do.
(TRUCK and ALDO exit.)
ANN LaFRANCE
Those two are impossible!
MERLIN PARKS
Yes, coarse beyond description! I’ll cut off those twelve inches myself if necessary!
(ANN, MERLIN, NINA, and KAREN exit.)
End of Scene 25.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 26:
(DOROTHY MURRAY and BIFF DELHORN enter. DOROTHY has a bad-looking fake beard.)
DOROTHY MURRAY
This is so humiliating.
BIFF DELHORN At least no one will know who you are.
DOROTHY MURRAY
They’ll see my name in the program.
BIFF DELHORN
Do you think it could damage your career?
DOROTHY MURRAY
I can just see the reviews: “Miss Murray, who played Rosencrantz, appeared to have a dead rodent attached to her face.”
BIFF DELHORN
At least you’ll get noticed. Let’s run lines for a bit.
(DOROTHY plays Rosencratz, and BIFF plays Guildenstern)
ROSENCRANTZ
Both your majesties
Might, by the sovereign power you have of us,
Put your dread pleasures more into command
Than to entreaty.
GUILDENSTERN
But we both obey,
And here give up ourselves, in the full bent
To lay our service freely at your feet,
To be commanded.
DOROTHY MURRAY
Those speeches sound like they were intended for the critics as well as the king and queen of Denmark!
(They exit.)
End of Scene 26.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 27:
(THOMPSON DAN enters, escorting FELICITY ZORN, who is limping, and KORTNY McNEIL.)
FELICITY ZORN
I’m so sorry, Mr. Dan…I’ve made a bit of a mess of everything.
THOMPSON DAN
Nonsense, Miss Zorn. All you need to do is exercise that ankle, and you’ll be fine.
KORTNY McNEIL
Don’t be a baby, Felicity.
FELICITY ZORN
I’m trying not to be, Kortny…but it does hurt rather a lot.
THOMPSON DAN
Now, Miss McNeil will launch you, and I will catch you.
KORTNY McNEIL
Run past me kid, and I’ll boost you into Mr. Dan’s arms as you go by.
FELICITY ZORN
All right…here goes!
(FELICITY hobbles across the stage, KORTNY grabs her and heaves her into the air and into MR. DAN’S arms. MR. DAN goes down with FELICITY on top of him.)
THOMPSON DAN
Owwww! Damn it all! My back!
FELICITY ZORN
Oh my goodness! Oh, Mr. Dan, I’m so sorry!
(She helps him up…he can’t straighten up.)
THOMPSON DAN
Ms. McNeill…assist us to the green room…I need you to rub linament on my back…damn and blast, it’s painful!
(He and FELICITY hobble out, assisted by KORTNY.)
End of Scene 27.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 28:
(JAMIE KURBIS and DEBBIE HOLT enter. They are both wrapped in black fabric so their arms are not free.)
JAMIE KURBIS
I don’t see how I can perform “Hamlet” with no arms.
DEBBIE HOLT
It’s not so bad for me…I don’t have to do any sword-play.
JAMIE KURBIS
What am I supposed to do, hold the damn sword in my mouth?
(They exit.)
End of Scene 28.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 29:
(The CHORUS enters with GREER BOTTOM. They are now remarkably disciplined and follow his instructions quickly and accurately.)
GREER BOTTOM
Fan out, form two groups of two and one group of three.
(they do so)
Each group create a tableau that represents the grief-stricken members of King Claudius’s court as they look upon the bodies of Hamlet and Laertes.
(they do so)
Good. You’re getting better. You might even earn the right to go on stage as chorus actors in front of the public.
ALL THE CHORUS
Thank you, Mr. Bottom.
(They exit.)
End of Scene 29.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 30:
(GERTRUDE DINSMORE, TAFFY COOK, and BUNNY BROWN enter.)
GERTRUDE DINSMORE
Providing artistic lighting for “Hamlet” is going to be particularly challenging, Taffy and Bunny.
TAFFY COOK
Why is that, Miss Dinsmore?
GERTRUDE DINSMORE
The director wants to emphasize blackness in every possible way.
BUNNY BROWN
But the audience must be able see the actors.
TAFFY COOK
If everything is to be black, it may as well be a radio play.
GERTRUDE DINSMORE
Taffy! Bunny! Let’s have no more of such defeatist talk! I am a lighting designer, and I will design lighting for this play, even if it is black.
BUNNY BROWN
I don’t understand.
GERTRUDE DINSMORE
Go stand centrestage, Bunny.
(BUNNY goes to centrestage and GERTRUDE stands behind her, wiggling her fingers over her head.)
GERTRUDE DINSMORE
Now, Taffy, imagine flames bursting out of Bunny’s head!
TAFFY COOK
Flames bursting out of her head, Miss Dinsmore?
GERTRUDE DINSMORE
You heard me, man. Imagine all the cast with flaming heads!
TAFFY COOK
Wouldn’t that be a bit dangerous…I mean, just think of the fight scenes and death scenes…actors falling all over the place with flames belching out of their heads….
BUNNY BROWN
Won’t it get a bit hot?
GERTRUDE DINSMORE
Don’t be so dense! They won’t be real flames. We’ll strap battery packs to their torsos and run wires to their heads…
(demonstrating the locations of these devices on BUNNY)
…to which we’ll attach inflatable transparent rubber flames.
TAFFY COOK
Inflatable?
GERTRUDE DINSMORE
Yes…pump-up flames. The actors will have air pumps under their armpits.
(demonstrating with BUNNY)
Then, when the actors move their arms up and down, the rubber flames will inflate, with light bulbs in them to simulate fire.
TAFFY COOK
But won’t it look strange…all the actors constantly pumping their arms up and down?
GERTRUDE DINSMORE
The audience will get used to it…they’ll accept it as a convention of the play.
Both of you, pump your arms up and down.
(TAFFY and BUNNY pump their arms.)
GERTRUDE DINSMORE
Harder! Come on, don’t be pansies! PUMP!
(TAFFY and BUNNY look like birds in full flight.)
BUNNY BROWN
Can we stop now?
GERTRUDE DINSMORE
No. I need to see you from various angles.
(They keep pumping, as GERTRUDE moves about the stage. Suddenly TAFFY COOK cries out!)
TAFFY COOK
(gasping)
AAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
(TAFFY collapses. BUNNY runs to him.)
BUNNY BROWN
Taffy! TAFFY!
(rolling TAFFY onto his back)
His heart condition!
GERTRUDE DINSMORE
Good lord, I’d forgotten about that!
(helping BUNNY prop TAFFY up)
Come on, man, snap out of it!
(TAFFY opens his eyes.)
TAFFY COOK
Where am I?
BUNNY BROWN
In the theatre, Taffy…we were pumping our arms, remember?
TAFFY COOK
Yes, yes…I remember…I looked at you, Bunny, and I thought you were an angel from heaven come to fetch me…
GERTRUDE DINSMORE
She’s a light board operator, Taffy. Now let’s get you on your feet.
(They help TAFFY stand…his legs are rubbery.)
GERTRUDE DINSMORE
Now come on…I want to inspect the lighting instruments up on the catwalks.
BUNNY BROWN
Shouldn’t we get Taffy to a doctor, Miss Dinsmore?
GERTRUDE DINSMORE
They’re all quacks. All he needs is good rub-down to get his blood flowing.
(GERTRUDE commences to rub TAFFY’S back vigourously as they exit.)
End of Scene 30.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 31:
JUDITH HAMILTON
This is all too much. I’d go home, but I’m not sure I’d make it.
(she recites from her monologue)
“Till that her garments, heavy with their drink,
Pull’d the poor wretch from her melodious lay
To muddy death…..”
(she gives up)
Oh, how I wish I could just get it over with!
(She slips off into a light sleep. REX ABELSEN enters with a musical jewelry box, which he places at her feet and opens. Music tinkles forth from the box. REX exits, and JUDITH awakens.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
My musical jewelry box!
(lifting it up in wonderment)
I haven’t seen this since I was a little girl! How on earth could it have gotten here?
(She closes the lid.)
End of Scene 31.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 32.
(GRETCHEN enters with TRUCK McTAGGART and ALDO NUGENT.)
GRETCHEN
Your opinion of Merlin Parks is of no concern to me. If he needs a four-by-eleven foot flat, build it.
TRUCK McTAGGART
Easier said than done, Gretchen, easier said than done.
ALDO NUGENT
We make ‘em four-by-ten or four-by-twelve. Always have, always will.
GRETCHEN
(taking TRUCK’S tape measure from him and pulling out the tape)
See this? Eleven inches? Well, from now until you get that flat built, eleven inches is ONE VERTICAL FOOT. Now go make a four-by-twelve flat with eleven-inch vertical feet and twelve inch horizontal feet!
ALDO NUGENT
I guess that’s fair.
TRUCK McTAGGART
Just so long as it’s four-by-twelve, it don’t make no difference how long the twelve is.
(They exit.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
(weakly)
My audition?
GRETCHEN
Any time now.
(GRETCHEN exits.)
End of Scene 32.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 33:
(THOMPSON DAN, KORTNY McNEILL, FELICITY ZORN, GERTRUDE DINSMORE, TAFFY COOK, and BUNNY BROWN enter. MR. DAN is hunched, because of his back, and FELICITY is limping. TAFFY COOK is wheezing and slow. TAFFY and BUNNY have sketchbooks.)
GERTRUDE DINSMORE
Now, Mr. Dan, could you have your dancers move freely about the stage and freeze upon command?
THOMPSON DAN
Of course, dear Miss Dinsmore. Felicity, are you able?
KORTNY McNEILL
She’s game for anything, Mr. Dan.
FELICITY ZORN
I’ll do my best!
THOMPSON DAN
Away with you, then, like birds, with your arms flapping. Soar, my pretties, soar!
(KORTNY and FELICITY rush around the stage, flapping their arms, although FELICITY is obviously having trouble.)
GERTRUDE DINSMORE
(loudly)
FREEZE!
(FELICITY and KORTNY McNEILL freeze.)
Sketch them, Miss Brown and Mr. Cook, and sketch QUICKLY! And NOTE THEIR POSITIONS!
TAFFY COOK
The pencil feels heavy…my fingers are like plasticine.
BUNNY BROWN
Taffy’s heart, Miss Dinsmore!
GERTRUDE DINSMORE
(ignoring BUNNY and TAFFY)
AWAY!
(KORTNY McNEILL and FELICITY fly off again)
FREEZE!
(they freeze)
Sketch again, Miss Brown and Mr. Cook. Sketch as if your lives depended on it!
TAFFY COOK
I can only produce squiggles!
BUNNY BROWN
His heart, Miss Dinsmore!
THOMPSON DAN
My girls, Miss Dinsmore! Take care of my girls! Do not over-tax their straining muscles!
GERTRUDE DINSMORE
(oblivious to everything except her stagecraft)
AWAY!
(KORTNY McNEILL and FELICITY fly off again.)
FASTER! MORE!
(They flap harder and move faster. Suddenly, they collide with each other and go down, just as TAFFY COOK collapses.)
TAFFY COOK
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
BUNNY BROWN
(running to him)
Taffy! TAFFY!
THOMPSON DAN
(hobbling to them)
My girls! Oh, my poor dears!
GERTRUDE DINSMORE
Right! That’s enough for now. Mr. Cook! There is no time for illness in the theatre! Come on, Miss Brown, assist Mr. Cook. Up on the catwalks we must go to aim our instruments!
(She exits, along with BUNNY, who escorts the gasping TAFFY.)
KORTNY McNEILL
(clutching her leg)
My femur! My femur!
FELICITY ZORN
(clutching both her legs)
PAIN! PAIN!
THOMPSON DAN
Let me help you, dear ones. You need a bit of a lie down.
(He helps them stand. KORTNY McNEILL limps, but FELICITY, having two bad legs, does little bunny hops, crying “ow” each time they land. They exit.)
End of Scene 33.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 34:
(MERLIN PARKS, ANN LaFRANCE, NINA GOLINA, and KAREN SWAN enter with JAMIE KURBIS, DEBBIE HOLT, DOROTHY MURRAY, and BIFF DELHORN.)
MERLIN PARKS
I’m grateful to you thespians for giving us a bit of your precious time.
JAMIE KURBIS
We’re rather busy, Mr. Parks. I hope this will be brief.
ANN LaFRANCE
Could the four of you go upstage, please?
NINA GOLINA
We need to imagine you with black things all around you.
KAREN SWAN
Like in a cold, black grotto.
(The four actors go upstage.)
MERLIN PARKS
Try to look…black. Shadowy, dark.
DEBBIE HOLT
How’s this?
(The ACTORS all pose, trying to look dark and mysterious.)
DOROTHY MURRAY
It’s hard to look dark and tragic with this thing stuck to my face.
BIFF DELHORN
This is rather fun.
MERLIN PARKS
Ms. LaFrance, can’t you just see them with large, black, two-dimensional plywood carnivores looming over them?
ANN LaFRANCE
Oh yes! Ms. Golina, let’s pose as carnivores to simulate the effect.
(She and NINA run upstage and pretend to be large, black, two-dimensional carnivores.)
BIFF DELHORN
Join us, Ms. Swan!
KAREN SWAN
Oh, no, I couldn’t! I’m not an actress!
MERLIN PARKS
Go on, my dear! Enjoy yourself for once!
KAREN SWAN
Oh, all right!
(She runs up and tries to be a carnivore like ANN and NINA.)
DEBBIE HOLT
You know, I never imagined “Hamlet” with big black carnivores in it.
JAMIE KURBIS
It’s a splendid concept!
MERLIN PARKS
Right! That’s all I require. You may go about your business.
(the ACTORS exit)
Let’s go convince those carpenters to cut out some carnivores!
(He, Ann, Nina and Karen exit.)
End of Scene 34.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 35:
(The CHORUS enters with GREER BOTTOM.)
GREER BOTTOM
Make a good stage picture.
(The CHORUS go to various positions on the stage and make a nice stage picture.)
GREER BOTTOM
Good. Are you all off book?
CHORUS
Yes, Mr. Bottom.
GREER BOTTOM
Begin.
NELLY and GABBY
Let four captains bear Hamlet, like a soldier, to the stage;
For he was likely, had he been put on,
To have proved most royally
LYNETTE and MONIQUE
…and, for his passage,
The soldiers’ music and the rites of war
Speak loudly for him.
NONNY, MELANIE, and PEG
Take up the bodies; such a sight as this
Becomes the field, but here shows much amiss.
FULL CHORUS
Go, bid the soldiers shoot.
GREER BOTTOM
You are becoming proficient. You are beginning to earn the right to perform. What do you think of chorus work now?
NELLY RANDALL
Difficult work, but essential.
GABBY BAGNALL
Like the background in a beautiful painting, we provide the context.
LYNETTE BRAIDWOOD
The chorus is the mirror to the action.
MONIQUE LAVAL
The audience sees the tragedy reflected in the faces of the chorus, and this helps the audience understand the deep sorrow of the story.
NONNY OLSEN
The chorus moves with grace, flowing through the scenes like a living river of compassion and empathy.
MELANIE TAYLOR
The chorus speaks together, our voices joined to make one voice.
PEG ZUBEK
The audience cannot help but listen, and in listening, they learn.
ALL the CHORUS
The chorus is the mirror to the action!
GREER BOTTOM
Very good. You have spoken truly and with wisdom.
(The CHORUS and GREER BOTTOM exit.)
End of Scene 35.
Audition in Black by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 36:
(JUDITH HAMILTON has fallen asleep. REX ABELSEN enters and goes to her.)
REX ABELSEN
Judith…Judith.
(she rouses slightly)
It’s time.
JUDITH MILTON
Is the director here?
REX ABELSEN
Yes, out there in the darkness.
JUDITH HAMILTON
(looking out into the darkness)
I can’t see him.
REX ABELSEN
No one ever can, dear Judith.
JUDITH HAMILTON
Should I just start?
REX ABELSEN
First, you must go to the very centre of the stage.
JUDITH HAMILTON
(going there carefully)
Here?
REX ABELSEN
Yes.
JUDITH HAMILTON
Now do I speak?
REX ABELSEN
First, Gretchen…
(GRETCHEN enters with no clipboard and take a position on the stage.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
The stage manager?
REX ABELSEN
Someone must manage this moment. And now, the scenic designers…
(MERLIN PARKS, ANN LaFRANCE, NINA GOLINA, and KAREN SWAN enter and make a tableau on the stage.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
Why must they be present?
REX ABELSEN
Everything happens somewhere, and they make that somewhere so that this might happen. Then there are the carpenters…
(TRUCK McTAGGART and ALDO NUGENT enter and take positions on the stage.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
Carpenters?
REX ABELSEN
Things and people must be made before they can exist. Here are the lighting designers.
(GERTRUDE DINSMORE and TAFFY COOK enter and take up positions on the stage.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
Light must be designed?
REX ABELSEN
Light is life, and life is light, but it must be designed to have meaning and beauty. And of course, light needs the lighting operator.
(BUNNY BROWN enters and takes her place on the stage.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
Must light be controlled?
REX ABELSEN
The sun must rise, the shadows must fall, the sun must set. And now, the choreographer and his dancers.
(THOMPSON DAN enters with KORTNY McNEILL and FELICITY ZORN.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
Is there to be a dance while I perform?
REX ABELSEN
Everything moves, and the choreographer plots the movements with care. All movement has meaning, all movement is a dance. The acting coach of the chorus now takes his place
(GREER BOTTOM enters and takes up his position on the stage.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
Why must the chorus be coached?
REX ABELSEN
The chorus must be your mirror, a sacred duty hard to learn. Their moment too has come.
(The CHORUS enter and form a stage picture.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
Why do I need a chorus to be my mirror?
REX ABELSEN
You cannot know if your performance is good or bad, right or wrong, without a mirror to show you. Now the actors must take their places.
(JAMIE KURBIS, DEBBIE HOLT, DOROTHY MURRAY without her beard, and BIFF DELHORN take their places on the stage.)
JUDITH HAMILTON
There are to be other actors performing with me?
REX ABELSEN
No one performs alone. We depend upon one another.
JUDITH HAMILTON
Is it time now?
REX ABELSEN
Yes, dear Judith, it is time….
MERLIN PARKS, ANN LaFRANCE, NINA GOLINA, KAREN SWAN, GERTRUDE DINSMORE, TAFFY COOK, and BUNNY BROWN
There is a willow grows aslant a brook,
That shows his hoar leaves in the glassy stream;
(The CHOREOGRAPHER hands the two DANCERS fabric, which they arrange into a “river”, and the two CARPENTERS take the two boxes, and place them by the “river”.)
GRETCHEN and MISS TARDY
(leading JUDITH to the boxes by the river.)
There with fantastic garlands did she come
Of crow-flowers, nettles, daisies, and long purples
That liberal shepherds give a grosser name,
CHORUS
But our cold maids do dead men’s fingers call them
(The seven chorus members step forward with bits of coloured fabric and artificial flowers, which they place upon JUDITH, and form a tableau around them as the carpenters help JUDITH stand on the boxes.)
JAMIE KURBIS
There, on the pendent boughs her coronet weeds
Clambering to hang, an envious sliver broke;
DEBBIE HOLT
When down her weedy trophies and herself
Fell in the weeping brook.
(The CARPENTERS help JUDITH lie down on top of the river fabric.)
DOROTHY MURRAY
Her clothes spread wide;
And, mermaid-like, awhile they bore her up
(The LIGHTING TEAM and SCENIC DESIGN TEAM move down, remove the black fabric from JAMIE KURBIS and DEBBIE HOLT, and place it by JUDITH, then and withdraw.)
BIFF DELHORN
Which time she chanted snatches of old tunes;
As one incapable of her own distress,
CHORUS
Or like a creature native and indued
Unto that element.
(REX ABELSEN places JUDITH’S musical jewelry box beside her, and opens it so that it plays.)
JAMIE KURBIS, DEBBIE HOLT, DOROTHY MURRAY, BIFF DELHORN
But long it could not be
Till that her garments, heavy with their drink,
Pull’d the poor wretch from her melodious lay
To muddy death.
(The DANCERS cover all of JUDITH except her face.)
FULL CAST
(except Judith)
But long it could not be
Till that her garments, heavy with their drink,
Pull’d the poor wretch from her melodious lay
To muddy death.
(REX ABELSEN goes quietly to JUDITH and covers her face. The cast slowly lower their gaze. Finally, REX closes the music box as it comes to the end of its tune.)
END OF PLAY.