Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2007
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 50 minutes.
• style: satirical realism
• suitable for general audiences
• 24 characters (19 female, 5 male)
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Gallery” is a light, quirky satire about a group of students competing to win an art contest at a newly-opened gallery.
(This play was first performed on October 27, 28, & November 1, 2, 3, in the year 2007, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
Go to:
Act One, Scene 1
Act One, Scene 2
Act One, Scene 3
Act One, Scene 4
Act One, Scene 5
Act One, Scene 6
Act One, Scene 7
Act Two, Scene 1
Act Two, Scene 2
Act Two, Scene 3
Act Two, Scene 4
Act Two, Scene 5
Act Two, Scene 6
Act Two, Scene 7
CHARACTERS:
Sheila Pennykid, art adjudicator, 35
Mary Rostova, artist, 15
Nastasia Rostova, Mary’s mother, 41
Rita Mazari, Mary’s friend, 15
Lyla Banks, artist, 15
Sandra Banks, Lyla’s mother, 38
Jade Witherspoon, Lyla’s friend, 15
Nathan Mandari, artist, 15
Tamara Mandari, Nathan’s mother, 37
Billy McBride, Nathan’s friend, 15
Lenore Kameda, artist, 14
Kirsten Kameda, Lenore’s mother, 36
Lenka Savatovic, Lenore’s friend, 14
Naomi Camitri, gallery owner, 34
Brenda Frank, gallery security, 31
Debbie Barry, gallery security, 29
Todd Mendel, artist, 14
Charlene Mendel, Todd’s mother, 39
Mark Lee, Todd’s friend, 14
Yorik Moon, artist, 15
Jasmine Moon, Yorik’s mother, 38
Lacey Mitton, Yorik’s friend, 15
Shadin Labani, teacher, 35
Carol Kamiski, teacher, 40,
Gallery by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 1:
(NAOMI CAMITRI, owner of Britestar Gallery, is onstage, surveying the six imaginary pictures that are hanging just above the audience’s heads. BRENDA FRANK and DEBBIE BARRY enter from stage left.)
BRENDA FRANK
Miss Camitri?
NAOMI CAMITRI
Yes?
BRENDA FRANK
I’m Brenda Frank, and this is Debbie Barry.
DEBBIE BARRY
Miss Camitri.
BRENDA FRANK
(showing her identification card)
We’re the security guards you requested.
NAOMI CAMITRI
(checking the card and returning it)
Good. This is my art gallery’s opening day, and I want everything to go splendidly.
DEBBIE BARRY
Splendidly?
(she and BRENDA FRANK exchange glances)
We’ll do our best to make sure things go “splendidly” for you, Miss Camitri.
NAOMI CAMITRI
It’s not that I’m expecting trouble, but you never know.
BRENDA FRANK
You sure don’t.
NAOMI CAMITRI
I want you to patrol the various rooms, make your presence felt. You understand.
DEBBIE BARRY
(exchanging glances with BRENDA FRANK)
We sure do.
NAOMI CAMITRI
(indicating the imaginary paintings)
This is my feature display: a group of paintings done by six young people, aged fourteen and fifteen.
(All three survey the imaginary paintings.)
BRENDA FRANK
Looking good, Miss Camitri.
NAOMI CAMITRI
In order to generate a little “buzz”, I’ve hired an adjudicator to pick the best painting.
DEBBIE BARRY
A bit of friendly competition, eh?
NAOMI CAMITRI
There’s nothing like a contest to stir up public interest.
BRENDA FRANK
It’s hard to believe those paintings were done by a bunch of kids.
DEBBIE BARRY
There’s some serious talent up there, in an off-beat sort of way.
NAOMI CAMITRI
Six fresh new paintings by six talented young Canadians; it’s a perfect display for the opening day of my gallery.
DEBBIE BARRY
Where’d you find kids who can paint like that?
NAOMI CAMITRI
The local high schools. Three of the artists are from Rosedale High…
(indicates three imaginary paintings on stage right)
…and three from Brandon Secondary.
(indicates three imaginary paintings on stage left)
BRENDA FRANK
How about that! I went to Brandon when I was a kid.
DEBBIE BARRY
And I went to Rosedale!
NAOMI CAMITRI
Both schools have fabulous art programs.
BRENDA FRANK
Not in my day. Our art teacher’s best remembered for teaching us how to swear in Italian. “Avere una faccia da culo.”
NAOMI CAMITRI
Which means?
BRENDA FRANK
“You have an ass-like face.”
NAOMI CAMITRI
Uh huh.
DEBBIE HARRY
I took art at Rosedale. All I did was draw stick people, and they gave me an “A” for it, and a plastic trophy on awards night.
BRENDA FRANK
Wasn’t much talent around in those days.
NAOMI CAMITRI
Well, I’d say that these paintings prove that times have changed.
BRENDA FRANK
(exchanging glances with DEBBIE HARRY)
You bet they have, Miss Camitri.
NAOMI CAMITRI
The two teachers responsible for these young artists have worked wonders with them.
(At that moment, MISS LABANI and MRS. KAMISKI enter from stage left.)
NAOMI CAMITRI
Ah, here they are now. Miss Labani, Mrs. Kamiski…you’re here bright and early.
MISS LABANI
I wouldn’t want to miss this day for anything. Apparently Mrs. Kamisky feels the same way. We ran into each other at the door, and she tried to beat me through it.
MRS. KAMISKI
Indeed I did, and I won, too.
(surveying the imaginary paintings on stage right)
Ah, there they are! Why did you put my students’ pictures on the right, Miss Camitri?
NAOMI CAMITRI
Alphabetical order. “Rosedale” begins with an “R” and Brandon begins with a “B”, so the Rosedale paintings are a little further from the entrance.
MISS LABANI
That seems perfectly reasonable to me.
MRS. KAMISKI
But the adjudicator will see the Brandon paintings first, and that will prejudice her in their favour.
MISS LABANI
Oh, now, Mrs. Kamiski, I’m sure she’ll keep an open mind.
MRS. KAMISKI
(to NAOMI CAMITRI)
I think you should jumble up the paintings…
(making jumbling gestures with her arms)
…instead of having them grouped according to schools.
NAOMI CAMITRI
Actually, the adjudicator requested that the paintings be placed this way.
MISS LABANI
You see, Mrs. Kamiski? Let’s just leave things to Miss Camitri. It’s her gallery after all, and she knows best.
MRS. KAMISKI
Well, it just doesn’t seem fair somehow.
BRENDA FRANK
So this adjudicator person is the one that makes the rules about how the paintings are displayed?
MRS. KAMISKI
Yes, but…
BRENDA FRANK
Well, a rule is a rule and that’s that.
MRS. KAMISKI
Yes, but I don’t see…
DEBBIE BARRY
What my partner means is that you shouldn’t go around upsetting people by challenging the rules.
MRS. KAMISKI
I’m not trying to upset anyone…
BRENDA FRANK
I’d say you’ve got Miss Camitri over there upset, what with all your complaining.
NAOMI CAMITRI
Oh, no, I’m fine, I really am.
DEBBIE BARRY
(to MRS. KAMISKI, as she and BRENDA FRANK approach her, one on each side)
She’s just being polite, and lucky thing for you that she is.
BRENDA FRANK
If she wasn’t the polite type, she’d give you a good poke in the nose.
NAOMI CAMITRI
Oh, now, I don’t think it would come to that.
DEBBIE BARRY
(notwithstanding NAOMI CAMITRI’S self-deprecation)
So, Mrs. Kamisky, we’re asking you politely to lay off.
BRENDA FRANK
Don’t push us, Mrs. Kamisky.
DEBBIE BARRY
Don’t push us.
BRENDA FRANK
You got that?
MRS. KAMISKY
I didn’t mean to push anyone! Oh dear, please forgive me, Miss Camitri.
NAOMI CAMITRY
No need to apologize. I’m sure you were just advocating on behalf of your students.
MISS LABANI
We teachers shouldn’t interfere, Mrs. Kamisky. Art must speak for itself!
NAOMI CAMITRI
I couldn’t have said it better myself, Miss Labani. Art must speak for itself, with it’s lonely, plaintive voice, like a motherless waif abandoned on a dock.
(A brief pause, as everyone ingests the simile.)
BRENDA FRANK
Well, I think it’s time for Officer Barry and me to cruise the nether regions of the gallery.
DEBBIE BARRY
“See and Be Seen”…that’s our motto, and that’s what we intend to do…
BRENDA FRANK
…even if there’s no one there.
(She and BRENDA FRANK exit stage right.)
MISS LABANI
They certainly are no-nonsense security guards.
MISS KAMISKI
For a moment, I thought they were going to take me into a back room and give me a good thrashing, and just because I lodged a minor complaint about the placement of the paintings.
NAOMI CAMITRI
So long as those two are on the job, we won’t have to worry about any funny business as far as the paintings are concerned.
MISS LABANI
Quite so, Miss Camitri. And that’s as it should be. Art must be protected at any cost.
NAOMI CAMITRI
Now, I’d like to treat you both to a cup of complimentary coffee while we wait for your students to arrive.
MISS KAMISKI
I could use a good strong cup of java to calm my nerves. I’m feeling a tad distraught.
NAOMI CAMITRI
Come along, then. The lounge is just down the hall.
MISS KAMISKI
(as they exit stage right)
Is there a washroom nearby?
NAOMI CAMITRI
Of course.
MISS KAMISKI
Thank heavens for that.
(They complete their exit.)
End of Act One, Scene 1.
Gallery by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 2:
(LYLA BANKS enters from stage left with JADE WITHERSPOON. LYLA sees her painting downstage left.)
LYLA BANKS
Look, Jade! There’s my painting! Doesn’t it look fabulous?
JADE WITHERSPOON
(seeing the painting)
Wow! Your stallion looks great up there, Lyla.
LYLA BANKS
Way better than Lenore and Yorik’s monstrosities.
(crossing right to inspect the paintings from Rosedale High)
These must be the three paintings from Rosedale High.
(considering them for a moment)
Junk. If that’s all they’ve got to offer, I’m going to win for sure.
JADE WITHERSPOON
(joining LYLA and looking at the Rosedale paintings)
I think they look sort of interesting.
LYLA BANKS
Are you my boon companion or not, Jade?
JADE WITHERSPOON
Does that mean “friend”?
LYLA BANKS
Yes, friend. Are you?
JADE WITHERSPOON
Of course I’m your friend, Lyla.
LYLA BANKS
Then don’t go saying nice things about the competition. Like I said, those paintings are…
(spelling the word)
J-U-N-K, in large caps.
JADE WITHERSPOON
I’m sorry, Lyla. I guess I don’t know anything about art.
LYLA BANKS
I’m the one with the nominated painting, Jade, not you.
JADE WITHERSPOON
You’re truly gifted, Lyla. No doubt about that.
LYLA BANKS
You bet I am. And winning this contest is a first step toward something akin to immortality.
JADE WITHERSPOON
You’ll get lots of publicity, that’s for sure.
LYLA BANKS
So don’t jinx my chances by saying nice things and thinking nice thoughts about those other paintings.
JADE WITHERSPOON
I’ll try to think only bad thoughts, Lyla, I promise.
(SANDRA BANKS enters stage left, and stops when she sees LYLA.)
SANDRA BANKS
There you are, Lyla!
LYLA BANKS
Mommy!
(LYLA runs to her mother and they hug enthusiastically)
Look how good my painting looks up there!
(LYLA points out her painting. SANDRA crosses to inspect it.)
SANDRA BANKS
I don’t know, darling. I don’t like your stallion set in amongst these other paintings.
JADE WITHERSPOON
Why not, Mrs. Banks?
SANDRA BANKS
The colours clash. It’s almost nauseating.
LYLA BANKS
Do you think it will damage my chances, Mommy?
SANDRA BANKS
I sure do, honey. I’ll talk to the gallery owner about it right away.
JADE WITHERSPOON
I think there’s rules about how the paintings are displayed, Mrs. Banks.
SANDRA BANKS
We’ll see about that. This is Lyla’s big chance, and I won’t have it ruined because of some stupid rule.
LYLA BANKS
(placing her hands on her gut)
Now I’m getting a tummy ache.
SANDRA BANKS
(going to LYLA and embracing her)
Oh, poor dear. Don’t you worry, Mommy will make everything better.
LYLA BANKS
But what if you can’t make everything better, Mommy? What if one of those other horrible paintings wins?
SANDRA BANKS
Don’t worry, sweetie. They don’t stand a chance. I just want to be absolutely sure your horse wins, that’s all.
LYLA BANKS
(indicating the paintings on the right)
But Jade said those ones over there look “interesting”.
SANDRA BANKS
(turning on Jade fiercely)
Did you, Jade?
JADE WITHERSPOON
I didn’t mean to.
SANDRA BANKS
(pointing at the paintings on the right)
What makes you think those pieces of crap look “interesting”?
JADE WITHERSPOON
I only meant that they’re sort of different in a sort of interesting way.
LYLA BANKS
Stop it, Jade! You’re making my tummy burn like fire!
SANDRA BANKS
Sometimes I think you’re ancestors were witches, Jade.
JADE WITHERSPOON
Witches?
SANDRA BANKS
Yes, witches, the way you can get Lyla so upset without even trying!
LYLA BANKS
It’s all your fault, Jade!
SANDRA BANKS
(to JADE)
You’ve confused Lyla by telling her she’s not going to win!
JADE WITHERSPOON
But I didn’t say she wouldn’t win!
LYLA BANKS
(running away from JADE and covering her ears, as if to ward off an evil voice)
Stop it, Jade! Stop it, stop it!
(wrapping her arms tightly around her tummy and doubling over)
Oh, my tummy, my tummy! Mommy, make her stop!
SANDRA BANKS
(crossing to JADE, taking her by the shoulders and shaking her)
Leave my little girl alone, Jade! Leave her alone!
JADE WITHERSPOON
I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’M SORRY!
(SANDRA releases JADE, who sinks down onto the floor. LYLA straightens up and crosses to JADE.)
LYLA BANKS
(pleadingly)
Oh, darling Jade, say I’m going to win.
JADE WITHERSPOON
You’re going to win.
LYLA BANKS
(more demanding)
Say it again! Twice!
JADE WITHERSPOON
You’re going to win! You’re going to win!
SANDRA BANKS
That’s a good girl, Jade. You’re so sweet at heart, aren’t you. Now come with me, you two. I’m going to make sure Miss Camitri puts Lyla’s painting in a better spot.
(LYLA helps JADE get up. They exit, with LYLA giving JADE a spiteful little push as they exit stage right.)
End of Act One, Scene 2.
Gallery by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 3:
(MARY ROSTOVA enters from stage left with RITA MAZARI. MARY hangs back while RITA runs to stage right and looks for MARY’S painting.)RITA MAZARI
(seeing MARY’S painting)
Look, Mary, there it is!
MARY ROSTOVA
(not willing to come any closer)
I can’t look.
RITA MAZARI
Oh come on. It looks great!
MARY ROSTOVA
You’re just saying that because you’re my friend.
RITA MAZARI
No way. It really does look great, Mary, honestly!
MARY ROSTOVA
I should never have let you talk me into this.
RITA MAZARI
Just come and look, and you’ll see that I was right!
MARY ROSTOVA
(crossing over to RITA without looking at the painting, then taking a deep breath and looking at it)
Oh, Rita, it looks awful compared to these others!
RITA MAZARI
What are you talking about? It’s beautiful!
MARY ROSTOVA
You just don’t want to admit that this is all one big, horrible mistake!
RITA MAZARI
You won’t be saying that after you win.
MARY ROSTOVA
Win? I’m not going to win, Rita, I’m going to be publicly humiliated.
RITA MAZARI
Miss Labani picked your painting for the contest. Are you saying she doesn’t know what she’s doing?
MARY ROSTOVA
Anyone can make a mistake, even Miss Labani.
RITA MAZARI
And your mother’s so proud of you.
MARY ROSTOVA
That’s just because I’m her daughter. Mom doesn’t know anything about art.
(NASTASIA ROSTOVA enters from stage left.)
RITA MAZARI
Here she comes now.
NASTASIA ROSTOVA
This downtown parking’s terrible. We should have taken the bus.
MARY ROSTOVA
I’m sorry, Mom.
NASTASIA ROSTOVA
It’s not your fault, Mary. Now, where’s your tree?
(She scans the paintings.)
RITA MAZARI
(pointing it out on stage right)
Right there, Mrs. Rostova.
NASTASIA ROSTOVA
(crossing to take a closer look)
Oh, doesn’t it look wonderful! Oh, Mary, I’m so proud of you.
MARY ROSTOVA
Everything looks better in an art gallery, Mom. It’s the lighting.
NASTASIA ROSTOVA
(looking at the other paintings)
Well, lighting or not, I think it’s the best one here!
RITA MAZARI
That’s right. The best one here!
MARY ROSTOVA
It’s just a silly little painting of a tree.
RITA MAZARI
No, Mary. There’s something really special about it.
NASTASIA ROSTOVA
Yes, something special. It’s as if it holds a secret of some sort.
RITA MAZARI
I feel like it wants me to look at it, as if there’s something there I’m supposed to figure out.
MARY ROSTOVA
It’s just a tree!
NASTASIA ROSTOVA
I can’t wait to hear what the adjudicator says about it.
MARY ROSTOVA
I hope she doesn’t say anything cruel.
NASTASIA ROSTOVA
She’s an expert. She’ll know quality when she sees it.
RITA MAZARI
Just think, on Monday I’ll be able to tell everyone at Rosedale that my friend Mary Rostova won the art contest!
MARY ROSTOVA
I wish you’d both stop trying to boost my confidence. It won’t work.
RITA MAZARI
But Mary…
MARY ROSTOVA
Rita, I can’t help thinking you talked me into entering so you could have a little adventure at my expense…
NASTASIA ROSTOVA
Mary, that’s no way to talk to your friend…
MARY ROSTOVA
And Mom, you’re excited because your plain, simple little girl is in a big art contest.
NASTASIA ROSTOVA
Of course I’m excited…
MARY ROSTOVA
So what are you going to do when the truth comes out, when the bubble bursts, when the adjudicator proclaims my painting to be nothing but a clumsy, amateurish image of a tree that’s better suited to a kindergarten classroom wall than a fancy downtown art gallery?
RITA MAZARI
(taken aback)
It’s not clumsy…it’s beautiful!
MARY ROSTOVA
Well then, you and Mom stay here and admire it. I’m going home.
(MARY exits stage left.)
NASTASIA ROSTOVA
Whatever’s the matter with her? I don’t understand.
RITA MAZARI
There’s that little Austrian café next door. Maybe we can get her in there until she settles down.
NASTASIA ROSTOVA
Yes, a little apple strudel with ice cream will calm her nerves.
(NASTASIA and RITA exit stage left.)
End of Act One, Scene 3.
Gallery by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 4:
(YORIK MOON enters from stage left with JASMINE MOON and LACEY MITTON.)
JASMINE MOON
That girl nearly knocked me over!
LACEY MITTON
She must be one of the artists from Rosedale High.
YORIK MOON
But why would she be streaking out of here like a cheetah on a hot savannah?
JASMINE MOON
And that woman and girl came charging right out after her.
LACEY MITTON
Maybe she vandalized the paintings!
YORIK MOON
Oh my god!
(He rushes downstage and looks to find his imaginary painting. Locating it on stage left, he looks closely at it and breathes a sigh of relief.)
YORIK MOON
It’s okay! Whoa, my heart must be going a hundred and one miles an hour.
JASMINE MOON
I swear I’d kill anyone who tried to damage your painting, Yorik.
LACEY MITTON
Really, Mrs. Moon?
JASMINE MOON
Yes, really, Lacey.
YORIK MOON
Mom takes my art very seriously, Lacey, just like I do.
LACEY MITTON
Exactly how would you kill the person, Mrs. Moon?
JASMINE MOON
With my bare hands if necessary.
YORIK MOON
I appreciate your support, Mom.
LACEY MITTON
(checking out the other paintings)
These other paintings look pretty good.
JASMINE MOON
(after a quick glance at the paintings)
Yorik’s cat looks much more professional.
LACEY MITTON
(looking at Yorik’s imaginary painting)
Why’d you paint a cat, Yorik?
YORIK MOON
I wanted to capture the image of a predator leaping on its prey.
LACEY MITTON
But it’s just half of it’s head.
YORIK MOON
It’s a close up.
LACEY MITTON
But how will anyone know it’s leaping on its prey?
JASMINE MOON
Its eye, Lacey, its eye! Can’t you see the reflection in its eye?
LACEY MITTON
Its eye?
YORIK MOON
Look closely, Lacey.
(LACEY steps forward to peer at the painting more closely.)
YORIK MOON
What do you see reflected in the eye?
LACEY MITTON
A man.
YORIK MOON
Not just a man, Lacey…MY FATHER!
LACEY MITTON
Your father?
YORIK MITTON
My father…and the cat is going to STRIKE HIM DOWN AND BITE HIS NECK!
LACEY MITTON
Gee!
JASMINE MOON
Yorik is working out his feelings about his father, who deserted us when Yorik was ten.
YORIK MOON
Can’t you feel the passion in my painting, Lacey?
LACEY MITTON
It’s pretty intense, I guess.
JASMINE MOON
Yorik is a troubled genius, Lacey. Aren’t you glad you’re his friend?
LACEY MITTON
I sure am.
YORIK MOON
I don’t trust other humans, Lacey, but you’re special.
LACEY MITTON
Why, Yorik?
YORIK MOON
I don’t know.
(There is an awkward pause.)
JASMINE MOON
Well, I’ve seen enough to know Yorik will be the winner.
LACEY MITTON
Could we go get a sandwich Mrs. Moon? I didn’t have any breakfast.
JASMINE MOON
Sure, Lacey. We’ll go someplace where Yorik can get a steak. He loves red meat.
YORIK MOON
(as they begin to exit stage left)
Did you know I eat it raw, Lacey?
LACEY MITTON
No way!
YORIK MOON
It’s true. Raw meat helps me focus.
LACEY MITTON
How about that!
(They complete their exit.)
End of Act One, Scene 4.
Gallery by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 5:
(NATHAN MANDARI enters from stage left with his mother TAMARA and his friend BILLY McBRIDE.)
BILLY McBRIDE
(running to stage right to look for NATHAN’S painting)
There it is, Nathan! Right beside Mary Rostova’s stupid tree!
NATHAN MANDARI
(crossing over to look)
Yeah, right in between Mary’s stupid tree and Todd’s dumb dump truck.
TAMARA MANDARI
(joining the boys and pointing at NATHAN’S painting)
Is that it, Nathan?
NATHAN MANDARI
Yep. That’s it. What do you think, Mom?
BILLY McBRIDE
Isn’t it cool, Mrs. Mandari?
TAMARA MANDARI
What is it?
NATHAN MANDARI
Can’t you tell?
TAMARA MANDARI
No I can’t, Nathan. It just looks like a bunch of swirls and splatters.
BILLY McBRIDE
It’s the insides of Nathan’s belly, Mrs.Mandari.
TAMARA MANDARI
The insides of his belly?
NATHAN MANDARI
Yeah, after I’ve eaten pizza and pecan pie and ice cream.
TAMARA MANDARI
Why would you paint a picture of the insides of your stomach?
NATHAN MANDARI
I knew you wouldn’t like it. That’s why I never showed it to you before.
BILLY McBRIDE
Mrs. Kamiski says it’s brilliant.
TAMARA MANDARI
Teachers have to say nice things to kids so their feelings don’t get hurt.
NATHAN MANDARI
But Mom, she picked it from all the other entries.
TAMARA MANDARI
Nathan, I don’t want to spoil everything for you, but I think Mrs. Kamiski was just being nice.
BILLY McBRIDE
But Mrs. Kamiski doesn’t even like Nathan, Mrs. MANDARI.
NATHAN NANDARI
She even called me a nasty little boy once.
BILLY McBRIDE
So Nathan’s painting must be good, because Mrs. Kamiski picked it even though she hates Nathan.
TAMARA MANDARI
Maybe that’s why she picked it.
NATHAN MANDARI
What do you mean, Mom?
TAMARA TAMDARI
What I mean, son, is that maybe she’s trying to get revenge on you by humiliating you in public.
NATHAN MANDARI
But I didn’t do anything to her.
TAMARA MANDARI
Then why did she call you a “nasty little boy”?
BILLY McBRIDE
Nathan threw up on her sculpture of a Greek god.
NATHAN MANDARI
I didn’t mean to. It was the broccoli soup from the caf.
BILLY McBRIDE
I told him not to eat it.
NATHAN MANDARI
I was hungry. I’m a growing boy.
TAMARA MANDARI
So you threw up on her precious sculpture.
NATHAN MANDARI
That’s why I painted a picture of the inside of my guts.
BILLY McBRIDE
Mrs. Kamiski made him paint it as punishment for puking.
TAMARA MANDARI
I told you it was revenge. A mother knows these things.
NATHAN MANDARI
But I think she really likes it, Mom.
TAMARA MANDARI
She’s just pretending, Nathan. Can’t you see that?
BILLY McBRIDE
Maybe she does want to embarrass you, Nathan.
NATHAN MANDARI
Maybe I should just take my painting and go home, then.
(He crosses towards his painting.)
TAMARA MANDARI
No, Nathan!
(Nathan stops and turns to her.)
We’ll see this thing through to its awful conclusion.
BILLY McBRIDE
But Mrs. Mandari, what if there’s violence?
NATHAN MANDARI
Why would there be violence?
BILLY McBRIDE
I don’t know. But what if there is?
TAMARA MANDARI
We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Now come with me, boys. We’ll go somewhere quiet and come up with a strategy to help Nathan win the upcoming battle.
BILLY McBRIDE
(as they begin their exit stage left)
Battle! Did you hear that, Nathan?
NATHAN TAMDARI
What if Mrs. Kamiski has a gun?
TAMARA MANDARI
Good point, Nathan. We might need a weapon of some sort.
(They complete their exit.)
End of Act One, Scene 5.
Gallery by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 6:
(LENORE KAMEDA enters from stage left with her mother KIRSTEN and her friend LENKA SAVATOVIC.)
LENORE KAMEDA
(crossing down left to find her painting)
Here it is, Mother.
(Crossing with LENKA to join LENORE, Mrs. KAMEDA looks at the painting for a moment. She’s obviously uncomfortable with what she sees.)
KIRSTEN KAMEDA
I just love the frame, Lenore.
LENKA SAVATOVIC
What do you think of the painting itself, Mrs. Kameda?
KIRSTEN KAMEDA
Pardon, Lenka?
LENKA SAVATOVIC
Lenore’s painting. What do you think of it?
KIRSTEN KAMEDA
The painting? Well…
(not knowing what to say)
It’s…nice.
LENORE KAMEDA
Nice? Mother, it’s a painting of dead children in a war zone!
KIRSTEN KAMEDA
Is it?
LENORE KAMEDA
How could it be anything else?
LENKA SAVATOVIC
It’s total realism, Mrs. Kameda. See the severed arm in the foreground?
KIRSTEN KAMEDA
Oh yes, an arm. Well, I suppose I shouldn’t have said the painting’s “nice”.
LENORE KAMEDA
It’s about dying, Mother.
LENKA SAVATOVIC
Lenore’s painting is a celebration of pain, suffering, and death, Mrs. Kameda.
LENORE KAMEDA
Isn’t it cool?
(LENORE and LENKA stare at MRS. KAMEDA expectantly.)
KIRSTEN KAMEDA
Well, I suppose in a sort of dark way it’s “cool”.
LENORE KAMEDA
You don’t like it! I told you she wouldn’t like it, Lenka.
LENKA SAVATOVIC
Art doesn’t always have to be pretty, Mrs. Kameda.
KIRSTEN KAMEDA
I suppose not, but couldn’t you have painted something a little more gentle, Lenore?
LENORE KAMEDA
Like what?
KIRSTEN KAMEDA
Well, perhaps a flower or something.
LENORE KAMEDA
There’s a flower in the painting, Mother…
(pointing at the painting)
right there!
KIRSTEN KAMEDA
But it’s trampled and spattered with blood, honey.
LENORE KAMEDA
You don’t get it, Mother.
LENKA SAVATOVIC
The world is a cruel, hard place, Mrs. Kameda.
LENORE KAMEDA
I want to show the truth through my art.
LENKA SAVATOVIC
Pretty things are stupid and false.
KIRSTEN KAMEDA
But you girls have never been in a war zone. You’ve never seen real dead children.
LENORE KAMEDA
Don’t you understand anything, Mother?
LENKA SAVATOVIC
We’ve seen a dead rat. That wasn’t pretty, but it was the truth!
LENORE KAMEDA
We eat meat, don’t we? Isn’t it dead? I’ve handled ground beef, Mother. Do you think that chopped-up cow is “nice”?
KIRSTEN KAMEDA
Well, if your art teacher feels your painting is good, who am I to argue?
LENKA SAVATOVIC
Miss Labani says that Lenore’s art is fresh and vital!
LENORE KAMEDA
She says I know how to make an ugly thing even more ugly, so people will know it’s wrong!
KIRSTEN KAMEDA
Well, your painting certainly is ugly.
LENORE KAMEDA
Mother!
KIRSTEN KAMEDA
I’m sorry, Lenore. I just can’t seem to say the right thing.
LENORE KAMEDA
Come on, Lenka. Let’s go look at garbage in dumpsters until it’s time to see the paintings judged.
LENKA SAVATOVIC
Dumpster garbage is awesome, Mrs. Kameda.
LENORE KAMEDA
(as she and LENKA begin to exit stage left)
Come with us, Mother. You might learn something real for once.
KIRSTEN KAMEDA
But I see my own garbage every day.
LENORE KAMEDA
(turning back to face her mother)
That’s clean garbage. Come and smell the real thing.
LENKA SAVATOVIC
The rich stench of inner-city decay, Mrs. Kameda!
KIRSTEN KAMEDA
All right, girls. My, high school art has certainly changed since my day!
LENORE KAMEDA
Time for you to open your nostrils, Mother, and sniff things as they are.
(They exit stage left.)
End of Act One, Scene 6.
Gallery by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 7:
(CHARLENE MENDEL enters from stage left with MARK LEE. They stop to take in the art display.)
CHARLENE MENDEL
Now I wonder where Todd’s painting is?
MARK LEE
(surveying the paintings)
Over there.
(He crosses to stage right, where TODD’S painting is third from the right.)
MARK LEE
See, Mrs. Mendel? It’s this pink dump truck.
(MRS. MENDEL crosses to look.)
CHARLENE MENDEL
Pink. That’s……different.
MARK LEE
That’s why Mrs. Kamisky chose it.
CHARLENE MENDEL
She likes things that are “different”?
MARK LEE
You bet.
CHARLENE MENDEL
What’s that say on the door of the dump truck?
MARK LEE
(looking more closely)
I think it says, “I am woman. Hear me roar.”
CHARLENE MENDEL
Like in that old song from the nineteen seventies?
MARK LEE
Todd likes the past. He says it’s the present in disguise.
CHARLENE MENDEL
I wish Todd would get here. How long can it take to use a public washroom?
MARK LEE
I guess he’s nervous.
(TODD MENDEL enters from stage left)
CHARLENE MENDEL
There you are!
TODD MENDEL
Here I am. Did you see my painting, Mom?
CHARLENE MENDEL
I certainly did, Todd.
TODD MENDEL
What do you think?
CHARLENE MENDEL
Well, naturally, I was surprised that you painted a dump truck, seeing as all you’ve ever painted before was goblins.
TODD MENDEL
Mrs. Kamisky said that painting goblins all the time was a sign of immaturity.
MARK LEE
Mrs. Kamisky doesn’t understand about comic book art.
CHARLENE MENDEL
I suppose it’s good to try painting something different. But a pink dump truck with “I am woman, hear me roar” written on the door?
TODD MENDEL
It’s what you call “statement art”, Mom.
MARK LEE
Mrs. Kamisky likes “statement art”.
TODD MENDEL
The pink dump truck symbolizes a woman’s inner strength.
CHARLENE MENDEL
I don’t think women like to be thought of as dump trucks, Todd.
TODD MENDEL
It’s just symbolic, Mom.
CHARLENE MENDEL
Do you think of me as a dump truck?
TODD MENDEL
Of course not.
MARK LEE
He thinks of you as a Honda Goldwing.
CHARLENE MENDEL
You think of me as a motorbike for middle-aged men?
TODD MENDEL
Why’d you have to tell her, Mark?
MARK LEE
She was upset about the dump truck thing.
TODD MENDEL
I compare people to machines, Mom. It’s just a harmless pastime.
MARK LEE
At least he doesn’t think of you as a goblin.
CHARLENE MENDEL
And what sort of machine is Mark?
TODD MENDEL
A garbage truck.
MARK LEE
I can take a lot of crap.
CHARLENE MENDEL
Well, at least I can recognize what you painted, Todd.
(indicating NATHAN’S “stomach” painting)
But that painting……it’s just a big jumble of nothing.
MARK LEE
That’s Nathan Mandari’s picture of the insides of his stomach.
CHARLENE MENDEL
Yuk.
TODD MANDEL
I don’t think you should say bad stuff about the other entries, Mom.
CHARLENE MANDEL
Maybe that Mandari boy is trying to make me say “yuk”.
MARK LEE
No he isn’t, Mrs. Mandel. He’s just doing what Mrs. Kamisky told him to do.
CHARLENE MANDEL
She made him paint that picture?
TODD MANDEL
It’s no big deal. She makes people do stuff all the time.
CHARLENE MANDEL
Did she make you paint that pink dump truck?
MARK LEE
She’s a very persuasive woman.
TODD MANDEL
I’ve got to get an “A” or I won’t get into art school.
CHARLENE MANDEL
(pointing to MARY’S tree painting)
And that tree? Did she make someone paint that?
MARK LEE
No. That’s Mary Rostova’s painting.
TODD MANDEL
It came out of her own imagination.
CHARLENE MANDEL
It’s not very imaginative. I don’t see why it got picked for the contest.
MARK LEE
I guess Mrs. Kamisky just wanted to make Mary feel better.
CHARLENE MANDEL
What’s wrong with her?
TODD MANDEL
She’s lonely and unpopular and has no talent.
CHARLENE MANDEL
Poor kid. Now come on. I’ll buy you boys some pink bubble gum ice cream before the adjudication.
TODD MANDEL
(as they begin to exit)
Pink, like my truck!
MARK LEE
You’re the greatest, Mrs. Mandel!
(They exit stage left.)
End of Act One, Scene 7.
Gallery by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 1:
(SHEILA PENNYKID, the adjudicator, enters from stage left. She crosses downstage left and inspects the paintings, crossing from left to right, reacting to each painting silently. Then she crosses to center stage and takes everything in. BRENDA FRANK and DEBBIE BARRY, the security guards, enter from stage right and stand on either side of SHEILA.)
BRENDA FRANK
Well, what do we have here, Officer Barry?
DEBBIE BARRY
Looks like trouble, Officer Frank.
SHEILA PENNYKID
I’m Sheila Pennykid, the adjudicator for this art contest.
(She indicates the paintings.)
BRENDA FRANK
Uh huh. And I’m the ghost of Pablo Picasso.
DEBBIE BARRY
You got any I.D.?
SHEILA PENNYKID
I don’t usually require identification. I’m a very well-known art critic. You must have seen me on television.
BRENDA FRANK
What channel?
SHEILA PENNYKID
Channel four…the community channel.
DEBBIE BARRY
No one watches that.
BRENDA FRANK
Did you drive down here?
SHEILA PENNYKID
Yes, in my very non-threatening conservative gray Lexus.
DEBBIE BARRY
Without your driver’s license?
SHEILA PENNYKID
Why would I do that? Look, why don’t you summon the gallery owner. I’m sure she’ll vouch for me.
BRENDA FRANK
What’s her name?
SHEILA PENNYKID
Who?
DEBBIE BARRY
The gallery owner.
SHEILA PENNYKID
Why, I don’t recall at the moment. I believe it’s something like “Peachtree” or “Cheapfree”.
BRENDA FRANK
It’s “Camitri”.
SHEILA PENNYKID
Yes of course. “Camitri”.
DEBBIE BARRY
You should have known that.
BRENDA FRANK
But you didn’t.
SHEILA PENNYKID
I was close.
BRENDA FRANK
When it comes to the law, “close” isn’t good enough.
DEBBIE BARRY
“Close” means you’re lying.
BRENDA FRANK
What have you got to lie about, ma’am?
SHEILA PENNYKID
(raising her voice)
Look, I’m not here to play cops and robbers with a pair of bored security guards; I’m the paid professional adjudicator of this art show, as the owner will tell you if you ask her!
BRENDA FRANK
You’re raising you voice, ma’am.
DEBBIE BARRY
A raised voice is a sign of guilt.
BRENDA FRANK
What have you done that makes you feel guilty?
SHEILA PENNYKID
Just summon the owner, will you?
(NAOMI CAMITRI enters from stage right)
NAOMI CAMITRI
Ms. Pennykid!
(crossing to MS. PENNYKID and offering her hand.)
It’s a great honour to meet you. I’m Naomi Camitri, the gallery owner.
SHEILA PENNYKID
Good afternoon, Miss Camitri.
(to the security guards)
Are you satisfied as to my identity now, officers?
BRENDA FRANK
Just doing our job, ma’am.
DEBBIE BARRY
Just protecting the kiddies’ paintings from thieves and vandals.
BRENDA FRANK
We wouldn’t want to see the little tykes weeping and crying and peeing in their pants because someone messed with their art, now would we?
SHEILA PENNYKID
I don’t require a lecture about the emotional ramifications of artistic effort, officers.
NAOMI CAMITRI
Officers Frank and Barry are very thorough, Ms. Pennykid.
SHEILA PENNYKID
You’d think I was a murderer or something.
NAOMI CAMITRI
I apologize if you’ve been made to feel uncomfortable in any way.
SHEILA PENNYKID
Could we just get on with business? Where are the artists who painted these pictures?
NAOMI CAMITRI
I expected them all to be here by now. They must be nearby taking some refreshments at the local bistros.
SHEILA PENNYKID
Well, if this is to be a public adjudication, I can’t very well get started unless they are here, can I?
BRENDA FRANK
I don’t like your tone, ma’am.
DEBBIE BARRY
You might want to back off a little.
NAOMI CAMITRI
(to the security guards)
Ms. Pennykid is a very important and busy art critic, officers. She’s bound to feel a bit stressed because the artists aren’t here.
SHEILA PENNYKID
I don’t feel stressed, damn it. I simply want to get on with the adjudication.
(MISS LABANI and MRS. KAMISKI enter from stage right.)
MISS LABANI
Ms. Pennykid! I’d recognize your face anywhere! This is indeed an honour!
(She crosses to MS. PENNYKID and pumps her hand vigourously.)
MISS LABANI
I’m Shadin Labani, from Brandon Secondary. The three lovely paintings on the left are by the very talented students with whom I have the good fortune to be associated.
MRS. KAMISKI
(not wanting to be outdone, and pushing MISS LABANI aside and shaking MS. PENNYKID’S hand even more vigourously.)
Ms. Pennykid, I’m Carol Kamiski, the art teacher at Rosedale High. Please don’t think I’m fawning, but I’m a great admirer of yours! I read your articles and watch your TV show every day!
SHEILA PENNYKID
I suppose you’re responsible for the three paintings on the right?
MRS. KAMISKI
Why yes, I have the honour of being the mentor of the three remarkable young artists whose work you see exhibited here today.
NAOMI CAMITRI
Ladies, ladies, let’s give Ms. Pennykid a little space! My, my, we don’t want the poor woman to suffocate!
BRENDA FRANK
Let’s move, Debbie.
DEBBIE BARRY
You got it, Brenda.
(BRENDA arrests MRS. KAMISKI, and DEBBIE arrests MISS LABANI. The security guards hold the teachers by pinning their arms behind their backs.)
MISS LABANI
Wait a minute! You can’t arrest us!
MRS. KAMISKI
We haven’t broken any laws!
NAOMI CAMITRI
Please release them, officers. I’m sure they weren’t intending to assault Ms. Pennykid.
BRENDA FRANK
(as she and DEBBIE BARRY release the two teachers)
Watch yourselves.
End of Act Two, Scene 1.
Gallery by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 2:
(SHEILA PENNYKID crosses to NAOMI CAMITRI.)
SHEILA PENNYKID
Miss Campeepee……
NAOMI CAMITRI
Camitri.
SHEILA PENNYKID
Camitri. I came here to do an adjudication, but my time is limited. If the artists don’t show up immediately, I will have to withdraw my services.
(SANDRA BANKS enters from stage right with LYLA BANKS and JADE WITHERSPOON)
SANDRA BANKS
There you are, Miss Camitri. We’ve been looking for you everywhere.
MISS LABANI
Lyla! Thank goodness you’ve arrived. Miss Pennykid, this is Lyla Banks, one of my most promising proteges.
LYLA BANKS
(to MISS PENNYKID)
Are you the adjudicator?
SHEILA PENNYKID
I am indeed.
SANDRA BANKS
(taking NAOMI CAMITRI aside)
Miss Camitri, I want you to move Lyla’s stallion well away from the other paintings.
JADE WITHERSPOON
Can’t you see that the colours from the other paintings clash with Lyla’s stallion, Miss Camitri?
LYLA BANKS
It’s not fair. My stallion needs a space of his own.
SHEILA PENNYKID
Do you think I’m incapable of judging your painting the way its hung, young lady?
LYLA BANKS
I just want everything to be fair.
MISS LABANI
Perhaps her painting ought to be moved, Ms. Pennykid.
MRS. KAMISKI
Nonsense. Everything’s fine the way it is.
MISS LABANI
But this morning you wanted everything rearranged, Mrs. Kamiski.
BRENDA FRANK
Take it easy, ladies.
DEBBIE BARRY
We don’t want to have to take you downtown.
MISS LABANI
We’re already downtown, officers. How do you intend to take us to where we already are?
LYLA BANKS
(wrapping her arms around her stomach and doubling up)
Ohhhhhhh!
JADE WITHERSPOON
Ms. Pennykid, Lyla’s tummy is hurting.
SHEILA PENNYKID
I’m an adjudicator, not a doctor.
JADE WITHERSPOON
But it’s because she knows it’s not fair to make her stallion share that wall with those other stupid paintings.
SANDRA BANKS
Jade, the other paintings are not exactly “stupid”. They just clash with Lyla’s stallion, that’s all.
LYLA BANKS
Oh, my tummy! And my head! Everything’s whirling like a newspaper in an old movie!
NAOMI CAMITRI
Perhaps it would be in the child’s best interest to move the painting, Ms. Pennykid.
SHEILA PENNYKID
Nonsense. Even the Mona Lisa must sometimes share a wall with other paintings.
SANDRA BANKS
The Mona Lisa! Did you hear that, Lyla? Ms. Pennykid compared your stallion to the Mona Lisa!
LYLA BANKS
Well, I did try to give my stallion an enigmatic smile.
JADE WITHERSPOON
And the stallion’s eyes seem to be looking at you wherever you stand.
NAOMI CAMITRI
I knew Ms. Pennykid had a good reason for requesting that the paintings be displayed this way.
LYLA BANKS
Oh, Mommy, I want my painting to stay right where it is in all it’s beauty……my gorgeous Mona Lisa……I mean stallion.
SANDRA BANKS
All right, darling. Whatever Mommy’s little artist wants!
LYLA BANKS
(hugging her mother)
Oh Mommy, my tummy feels so much better now. Apologize to Jade for calling her a witch this morning.
SANDRA BANKS
I’m sorry, Jade. I guess I was out of line.
JADE WITHERSPOON
That’ all right, Mrs. Banks. You only said it because you love Lyla more than life itself.
LYLA BANKS
Mommy, would you die for me?
SANDRA BANKS
Anything for my little girl.
End of Act Two, Scene 2.
Gallery by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act two, Scene 3:
(MARY ROSTOVA enters from stage left with NASTASIA ROSTOVA and RITA MAZARI.)
MARY ROSTOVA
Oh my sweet patootie, Mom! There’s so many people here!
RITA MAZARI
I wonder which one is the adjudicator.
NASTASIA ROSTOVA
Which one of you is the adjudicator?
MARY ROSTOVA
Mom, please don’t make a fuss!
NAOMI CAMITRI
(indicating MS. PENNYKID)
This is Ms. Sheila Pennykid, our much acclaimed adjudicator. And you’re……?
MRS.KAMISKI
She’s Mary Rostova, Miss Camitri.
(pointing to the painting of the tree)
She painted that tree over there. A charming rendering in the primitivist tradition, no?
NAOMI CAMITRI
Well, I’d rather not pass judgment. That’s the adjudicator’s job.
LYLA BANKS
It’s just a tree. It isn’t even a mammal.
RITA MAZARI
Haven’t you ever heard the famous poem: “I think that I shall never see a thing as lovely as a tree”?
MARY ROSTOVA
(tugging at her mother)
Mom, I want to go home.
NASTASIA ROSTOVA
Not until we hear what the adjudicator has to say.
SHEILA PENNYKID
I don’t intend to pass any judgments until all the artists are here.
SANDRA BANKS
I hope they don’t keep us waiting. After all, it’s painfully obvious who’s going to win.
MARY ROSTOVA
Mom, you and Rita and Mrs. Kamiski are the only ones who like my tree. I don’t even like it myself.
SANDRA BANKS
(to NASTASIA ROSTOVA)
Perhaps you should let your daughter withdraw her entry.
LYLA BANKS
It would be cruel to make her stay in the contest when she hates her own picture.
MISS LABANI
That makes sense to me.
SHEILA PENNYKID
I insist that all the paintings remain. If anyone should drop out, I will withdraw my services.
RITA MAZARI
You see, Mary? If you quit the contest, you’ll ruin it for everyone else.
BRENDA FRANK
(to MARY)
Don’t be selfish, kid.
DEBBIE BARRY
Selfish girls end up in the slammer.
MARY ROSTOVA
(to NASTASIA ROSTOVA)
It’s only a silly picture of a tree! Why is everyone making such a fuss?
NASTASIA ROSTOVA
The adjudicator is the only one who can really answer that question, Mary.
JADE WITHERSPOON
And after all, Canada is a liberal democracy, so the tree painting has as much right to be here as any other.
LYLA BANKS
Stop being a political generalist, Jade! Do you want my tummy to start hurting again?
MARY ROSTOVA
I’ll stay until the adjudicator’s finished. Then I’m going straight home to bed because I’m exhausted.
End of Act Two, Scene 3.
Gallery by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 4:
(YORIK MOON enters from stage left with JASMINE MOON and LACEY MITTON.)
YORIK MOON
I feel great after eating all that red meat.
LACEY MITTON
Looks like everyone’s waiting for us.
JASMINE MOON
(to the others)
I’m Jasmine Moon, and this is my talented son Yorik, who painted that wonderful cat head over there.
(She points in the direction of YORIK’S painting.)
MISS LABANI
(rushing to YORIK and embracing him)
Yorik! How wonderful to see you! Ms. Pennykid, Yorik is another of my exraordinary students.
LACEY MITTON
Yorik’s father is reflected in the cat’s eye because Yorik hates his father and wishes he was dead. Isn’t that great?
LYLA BANKS
See, Mom? I told you Yorik was weird.
JADE WITHERSPOON
Yorik eats raw meat, Mrs. Banks.
SANDRA BANKS
Raw, you say? Miss Labani, why did you select that cat’s head as one of the entries?
MISS LABANI
It’s full of mystery and power, Mrs. Banks, just as Lyla’s stallion is full of Mona Lisa.
YORIK MOON
My painting is the Mona Lisa of cats.
RITA MAZARI
But it’s only half a head. Mona Lisa is a whole head and part of a torso.
LYLA BANKS
My stallion is complete in every way.
LACEY MITTON
All you ever paint is horses, Lyla.
RITA MAZARI
Mary’s tree is complete.
YORIK MOON
You can’t see its roots.
MARY ROSTOVA
They’re in the ground because it’s only a tree.
JASMINE MOON
Don’t worry, Yorik. I’m sure the adjudicator will appreciate the genius in your work.
SHEILA PENNYKID
I appreciate all art, Mrs. Moon.
LACEY MITTON
But Yorik’s cat is more than just art, Ms. Pennykid. It’s a love letter to me.
YORIK MOON
No it’s not.
LACEY MITTON
I’m the cat in the picture.
YORIK MOON
No you aren’t.
LACEY MITTON
Oh, Yorik, admit it. The cat’s me, and I’m about to destroy your evil father for you.
YORIK MOON
What the hell are you talking about, Lacey?
LYLA BANKS
(to her MOTHER, but loud enough for everyone to hear)
Lacey’s a flake. Everyone knows it.
JADE WITHERSPOON
Yorik’s the only kid in school who can stand her.
MARY ROSTOVA
How can you say such mean things?
LYLA BANKS
Because it’s true, and I’m a champion of the truth.,
SANDRA BANKS
(giving LYLA a hug)
I’ve taught my little girl to be unafraid to spout the ugly truth from her pretty, pouty lips.
JASMINE MOON
Well, I taught my boy to be unafraid to capitalize on his talent, and his cat proves I taught him well.
YORIK MOON
Maybe the cat in the picture is Lacey. I’d rather paint a picture of her than you, Lyla Banks.
LACEY MITTON
Oh, Yorik!
LYLA BANKS
I wouldn’t let you paint even the littlest part of me even if you wanted to, Yorik Moon, not even my secret freckle!
BRENDA FRANK
That’s enough bickering.
DEBBIE BARRY
Keep it up, and we’ll bust you kiddies for being pubic nuisances.
NAOMI CAMITRI
Don’t you mean “public”?
BRENDA FRANK
No, we mean “pubic”.
SHEILA PENNYKID
Miss Cameefree, I didn’t come here to watch teenagers squabble. Where are the other artists?
NAOMI CAMITRI
They’ll be here any second, Ms. Pennykid. And it’s “Camitri”, not “Camifree”.
SHEILA PENNYKID
Names are not important to me. I live for art, and only art, and I must say this gallery is more like an institution for the antisocial than a place for paintings.
End of Act Two, Scene 4.
Gallery by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 5:
(NATHAN MANDARI enters from stage left with his mother CHARLENE and his friend BILLY McBRIDE.)
CHARLENE MANDARI
Mrs. Kamiski, I’m not going to allow you to humiliate my son.
MRS. KAMISKI
Pardon me, Mrs. Mandari?
CHARLENE MANDARI
You’re trying to get revenge on him for puking on your sculpture.
MRS. KAMISKI
That’s preposterous! I love Nathan’s painting. That’s why I entered it in the contest.
BILLY McBRIDE
You made Nathan paint it as punishment, Mrs. Kamiski.
MRS. KAMISKI
Well, yes, but the results were so splendid I just had to enter it in the contest!
NATHAN MANDARI
Do you really mean that, Mrs. Kamiski?
MRS. KAMISKI
Of course, Nathan. Even a nasty little boy can sometimes be a great artist.
NATHAN MANDARI
You see, Mom? I told you she likes my painting.
CHARLENE MANDARI
I don’t trust her one little bit.
BILLY McBRIDE
(to MS. PENNYKID)
Are you the adjudicator?
SHEILA PENNYKID
Unfortunately, yes.
BILLY McBRIDE
(pointing to NATHAN’S painting)
Nathan painted the insides of his stomach, and his mom thinks you’re going to say cruel things about it.
SHEILA PENNYKID
Young man, I pride myself on being fair, not cruel.
BILLY McBRIDE
Mrs. Mandari, let’s wait and see what she has to say.
CHARLENE MANDARI
Very well. But if you’ve got any tricks up your sleeve, Mrs. Kamiski, you’ll have to answer to me.
BRENDA FRANK and DEBBIE BARRY
And us.
MRS. KAMISKI
No tricks, on my honour!
End of Act Two, Scene 5.
Gallery by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 6:
(LENORE KAMEDA enters from stage left with her mother KIRSTEN KAMEDA and her friend LENKA SAVATOVIC.)
LENKA SAVATOVIC
Well, looks like the gang’s all here……almost.
LENORE KAMEDA
You all look like my painting of the war zone.
LENKA SAVATOVIC
(pointing to LENORE’S painting)
See it up there? It’s like a mirror.
KIRSTEN KAMEDA
(aside to LENKA and LENORE)
Please try to be polite, girls. I think that’s the adjudicator over there.
LENORE KAMEDA
(to MS. PENNYKID)
You the adjudicator?
SHEILA PENNYKID
I am.
NAOMI CAMITRI
May I present Sheila Pennykid, renowned art critic.
LENORE KAMEDA
You don’t look like you understand art.
KIRSTEN KAMEDA
Lenore!
LENKA SAVOTOVIC
Well she doesn’t, Mrs. Kameda. Look at how she’s dressed.
LENORE KAMEDA
She looks like a businesswoman, and art and business don’t mix.
SHEILA PENNYKID
(to LENORE KAMEDA)
I could find a buyer who would pay you roughly five thousand dollars for your painting.
LENORE KAMEDA
Five thousand dollars?
LENKA SAVOTOVIC
(to LENORE)
That’d be enough for us to go backpacking in Kazakhstan.
KIRSTEN KAMEDA
Lenore, I had no idea your art was worth so much money!
MISS LABANI
What a wonderful opportunity, and proof that I knew what I was doing when I picked your painting for the contest, Lenore.
SHEILA PENNYKID
So do you still think art and business don’t mix?
LENORE KAMEDA
I wouldn’t take your stinking blood money!
KIRSTEN KAMEDA
Lenore!
(to MS. PENNYKID)
I apologize for Lenore’s behaviour, Ms. Pennykid. You know how young folks are.
SHEILA PENNYKID
Yes, I know how they are.
MARY ROSTOVA
Mom, I’m so uncomfortable here. Everyone’s so hostile!
RITA MAZARI
It’s exciting, like wolves and tigers fighting over a dead seagull.
NASTASIA ROSTOVA
Be patient, honey. We’ll soon know who the winner is.
LYLA BANKS
(to her MOTHER)
If Lenore’s painting is worth five thousand, my stallion must be priceless.
SANDRA BANKS
Maybe I’d be able to pay off the mortgage.
JADE WITHERSPOON
Oh Lyla, I’ve always dreamed of starting a dollar store for over-the-counter drugs. You could give me a loan to help me get started!
YORIK MOON
Mom, my cat’s head’s obviously worth a fortune!
JASMINE MOON
We’ll invest in lakeside properties!
LACEY MITTON
Think of the wedding dress I’ll be able to buy!
NATHAN MANDARI
It’s amazing! Someone will pay good money to look at my food digesting!
TAMARA MANDARI
Oh, Nathan, perhaps you’ll be able to buy those expensive running shoes that shoot bear spray after all!
BILLY McBRIDE
When you get rich, Nathan, will you and your mom adopt me as a kind of pet?
NATHAN MANDARI
Can we, Mom?
TAMARA MANDARI
We’ll see, son, we’ll see.
MISS KAMISKI
There’s nothing more magical than watching art turn into money!
MISS LABANI
And money turn into pleasure!
BRENDA FRANK
Careful, folks.
DEBBIE BARRY
Remember what the law says about money and artists.
BRENDA FRANK
Do not pass go.
DEBBIE BARRY
Do not collect two hundred dollars.
End of Act Two, Scene 6.
Gallery by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 7
(TODD MENDEL enters from stage left with his mother CHARLENE and his friend MARK LEE.)
CHARLENE MENDEL
I’m so sorry we’re late! We had a little problem with some ice cream.
MARK LEE
Todd was singing “I am woman, hear me roar,” and this crazy lady came running up to him, yelling stuff.
TODD MENDEL
She said for me to give her my cone, in the spirit of feminist solidarity.
MARK LEE
I guess she was feeling acutely political, and really hungry too.
CHARLENE MENDEL
Todd told her he was an artist, so she asked him to immortalize her by painting her portrait with ice cream on the sidewalk.
TODD MENDEL
So I did and that’s why we’re late.
MARK LEE
If you don’t believe us, just go down the street a block and you’ll see the ice-cream image of a madwoman.
TODD MENDEL
Unless the dogs have licked her face off the sidewalk.
NAOMI CAMITRI
My goodness, how avant garde!
SHEILA PENNYKID
I’m not mistaken, all the artists are here now.
NAOMI CAMITRI
That’s correct, Ms. Pennykid. You can proceed with the adjudication.
(SHEILA PENNYKID crosses downstage left, and crosses right, looking at the imaginary paintings. Everyone else watches her carefully for clues about her reaction to each piece of art. She makes sounds as she looks at each painting. Finally, she goes to center stage.)
SHEILA PENNYKID
(to TODD)
You’re the one who painted the pink dump truck?
TODD MENDEL
Yes, Ms. Pennykid.
SHEILA PENNYKID
“I am woman; hear me roar.” You seem to be fond of that phrase.
TODD MENDEL
It’s symbolic.
SHEILA PENNYKID
I know.
TODD MENDEL
It’s “statement art”.
SHEILA PENNYKID
I know. Do you like it, Todd?
TODD MENDEL
I guess.
SHEILA PENNYKID
(to LENORE KAMEDA)
You chose to paint dead children in a war zone.
LENORE KAMEDA
I didn’t chose it. It chose me.
SHEILA PENNYKID
And why did it choose you?
LENORE KAMEDA
Because it wanted to be painted, and it knew I’d do it.
SHEILA PENNYKID
Let’s talk about that painting of the insides of a boy’s stomach.
NATHAN MANDARI
That’s mine!
SHEILA PENNYKID
Your teacher made you paint it?
NATHAN MANDARI
It was a sort of punishment for puking on her sculpture.
SHEILA PENNYKID
So punishment resulted in beauty.
NATHAN MANDARI
I guess.
SHEILA PENNYKID
Now, the half a cat’s head with a man reflected in the eye.
YORIK MOON
(putting his hand up)
That’s me.
SHEILA PENNYKID
Do you like cats?
YORIK MOON
They’re nice.
SHEILA PENNYKID
But you don’t like your father?
YORIK MOON
He deserted us.
SHEILA PENNYKID
So in your painting, love is bigger than hate, because the man is just a tiny figure in the cat’s eye.
YORIK MOON
I suppose you could look at it that way.
SHEILA PENNYKID
And now, let’s discuss that painting of the stallion.
LYLA BANKS
I’m the artist!
SHEILA PENNYKID
It’s extremely realistic.
LYLA BANKS
Thank you.
SHEILA PENNYKID
Almost perfect.
LYLA BANKS
I worked hard on it.
SHEILA PENNYKID
If it’s supposed to be realistic, why is there no manure?
LYLA BANKS
Pardon?
SHEILA PENNYKID
Why is there no manure, no poop?
LYLA BANKS
Because that’s not nice.
SHEILA PENNYKID
Neither are you.
(SANDRA BANKS gasps and puts her arm around her daughter.)
SHEILA PENNYKID
Now let’s discuss the tree.
NASTASIA ROSTOVA
That’s my daughter’s painting. Put your hand up, Mary.
MARY ROSTOVA
Mom, please!
SHEILA PENNYKID
If it’s a tree, why do I see myself in it?
MARY ROSTOVA
You see yourself?
SHEILA PENNYKID
Indeed I do. And I suspect anyone who really looks at your tree will see themselves as well.
MARY ROSTOVA
Why?
SHEILA PENNYKID
Because your tree is completely simple and completely honest, and all simple and honest things are mirrors that make us see ourselves as we really are.
MARY ROSTOVA
I didn’t mean to paint something that would be a mirror.
SHEILA PENNYKID
Perhaps that’s why it’s the best painting here. I declare it to be the winner.
(There is a moment of shocked silence.)
SANDRA BANKS
But that’s ridiculous! That tree is crude and amateurish!
SHEILA PENNYKID
No. You are.
LYLA BANKS
(to MS. PENNYKID)
You’re not supposed to insult people.
SHEILA PENNYKID
Neither are you, but that doesn’t stop you from doing it, does it?
MRS. KAMISKI
(going to MARY and offering her hand)
Mary, let me be the first to congratulate you. You’ve brought honour and distinction to Rosedale High School and to my art department.
SHEILA PENNYKID
Mary could have painted that picture on a deserted island, Mrs. Kamiski, and it would have been just as good. Don’t flatter yourself.
(There’s an awkward pause.)
NAOMI CAMITRI
Well, Ms. Pennykid has made her decision. I want to thank you all for coming here today. Mary will receive a
medallion and she and her painting will be featured in the local papers.
MARY ROSTOVA
I don’t want the medallion, and I don’t want any publicity.
NASTASIA ROSTOVA
But why, Mary? It’s a great honour!
MARY ROSTOVA
It would ruin my painting, wouldn’t it, Ms. Pennykid.
SHEILA PENNYKID
Yes it would, Mary.
LYLA BANKS
If she doesn’t want the publicity, I’ll take it.
SHEILA PENNYKID
Then take it. I’ve changed my mind. Lyla’s stallion is the winner.
SANDRA BANKS
I knew it! Oh, Lyla, I’m so proud!
MISS LABANI
Hurray! This is wonderful news for Brandon Secondary!
NAOMI CAMITRI
Well, that’s that then. Thank you all for coming. There are refreshments in the lounge for those who want them. Feel free to explore the other areas of the gallery before you leave.
(Everyone except MARY and MS. PENNYKID begins to exit, then freezes. MARY and MS. PENNYKID are the only Characters whose faces can be seen by the audience.)
MARY ROSTOVA
You were going to pick the stallion all along, weren’t you, Ms. Pennykid.
SHEILA PENNYKID
Yes, Mary. Your painting is much too good to win anything.
MARY ROSTOVA
Now I’m glad Mrs. Kamiski and Rita put me in the contest.
SHEILA PENNYKID
Doesn’t it feel good to be a loser?
MARY ROSTOVA
It’s the best feeling in the world!
(Everyone faces the audience.)
ALL THE “ADULTS” IN THE CAST
Doesn’t it feel good to be a loser?
ALL THE “CHILDREN” IN THE CAST
It’s the best feeling in the world!
End of Act Two, Scene 7.
END OF PLAY.
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