Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2009
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 70 minutes
• style: satirical musical comedy
• suitable for general audiences
• 27 characters (14 female, 13 male)
• gender-interchangeable
• audio files for song melodies provided in the script
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Aliens in Love” is an unabashed, irreverent musical comedy that tells the satiric tale of the attempted rescue of a group of Earthlings held hostage by aliens on the planet Tantrum somewhere in the Shundula Galaxy. Despite the mayhem of the main action, all ends well as love finds a way!
(This play was first performed in June, 2009, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
∗Published Online by Good School Plays, April 18, 2018.)
Go to:
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Scene 5
Scene 6
Scene 7
Scene 8
Scene 9
CHARACTERS:
Magnifica Raptura, Empress of the Shundula Galaxie
Fergus Monk, Magnifica’s Lackey
Vector Parfait, Intergalactic Messenger
Mabel Bisquik, English Housewife
Gertrude Kipper, English Housewife
General Homer Gomer, United States Marines
Major Gonfor Good, United States Marines
Buck Spanglebanner, President of the United States of America
Star Spanglebanner, First Lady of the United States of America
Dr. Aorta Heartburn, Canadian psychiatrist
Jingle Rawshok, Dr. Heartburn’s Patient
Frost U, Rap Artist
Puff Laddy, Frost U’s back-up man
Wing Commander Phillip Chutney, RAF, Leader of the Intergalactic Expedition
Squadron Leader Millicent Chutney, his wife, Royal Air Force Space Navigator
Captain Brock Thruster, United States Air Force Rocket Jockey
Oberhauptman Fritzi Müller, Luftwaffe, Expedition Medical Officer
Major Jin-Yong Park, South Korean Air Force, Expedition Technical Officer
Colonel Svetlana Petrovna Beatnik, Russian Air Force, Weapons Expert
Vandros Legula, Head Insect of the Planet Tantrum
Hikpuk Gok, Vandros Legula’s Insect Advisor
Kluktuk Goobog, Warrior Insect First Class
Gubbo Timbuk, Warrior Insect Second Class
Margut Funpot, Warrior Insect Third Class
Tikki Wakkit, Warrior Insect Fourth Class
Tornella Godspawn, High Priestess Insect of Tantrum
Quad Angelico, Assistant to the High Priest Insect of Tantrum
Aliens in Love by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 1:
SETTING: United States Starship Cantwin, enroute to the planet Tantrum.
(Starship Cantwin is shuddering under the tremendous strain of attaining maximum velocity for the voyage into the unknown. The ashen-faced crew, jiggling wildly, struggle to maintain control.)
CAPTAIN BROCK THRUSTER
I can’t hold her, Wing Commander Chutney! She’s going to break up!
WING COMMANDER PHILLIP CHUTNEY
Come on, Brocky my lad, chin up and all that! Never say die! Are we on course, Millicent, my good wife?
SQUADRON LEADER MILLICENT CHUTNEY
The navigational computer’s on the blink, Phillip. Perhaps I ought to give it a good bashing! That might set it right!
MAJOR JIN-YON PARK
Do not bash the equipment, Squadron Leader Chutney! Have you gone insane? Colonel Beatnik, a weapons report please!
COLONEL SVETLANA BEATNIK
Is too hot, Major Park! Soon, entire ship will explode like egg in microwave! Oberhauptman Müller! A medical report, please!
OBERHAUPTMAN FRITZI MüLLER
Ja wohl, Colonel Beatnik!
(checking her device)
Achtung! Achtung! Our blood pressure iss dangerously high und ze incredible tension vill soon make us all…how you say??
(trying to find the right phrase)
…in German iss “auströmen”…in English iss… “make mitt der vater”…or … “go tinkle”…
(triumphant)
Ja, zat is der vord! Tinkle!
(Recommended melody for “Tinkle“)
(FRITZI sings:)
When you’re flying high in space
It would be a great disgrace
If you suddenly went pee-pee in your pants!
But when your ship is shaking
You will soon be water-making;
Your frightened bladder doesn’t have a chance!
(ALL sing:)
Tinkle!
You’ll go tinkle!
It’s nature’s way of showing that you’re tense!
Tinkle!
You’ll go tinkle!
The pressure on your bladder is immense!
(PHILLIP and MILLICENT sing:)
When your spaceship’s breaking up
You will need an empty cup
(BROCK, FRITZI, and JIN-YONG sing:)
If suddenly the pee-pee starts to flow!
(SVETLANA sings:)
There’s no use in denying
That soon you will be dying;
Before you do you’ll really have to go…
(ALL sing:)
Tinkle!
You’ll go tinkle!
The need to pee is just a natural fact!
Tinkle!
You’ll go tinkle!
It just might be your final act.
Tinkle!
You’ll go tinkle!
It’s nature’s way of dealing with your stress!
Tinkle!
You’ll go tinkle!
Before you die you’re going to make a mess!
WING COMMANDER PHILLIP CHUTNEY
Right! I suggest we move aft and man the auxilliary cooling pumps, and on the way we can make a pitstop at the lavatories!
SQUADRON LEADER MILLICENT CHUTNEY
That’s a brilliant idea, Phillip! I’d like to freshen up. Every pore in my body is a portal through which sweat rages like raw sewage through a London drainpipe!
CAPTAIN BROCK THRUSTER
I may as well put the damn thing on autopilot, Wing Commander Chutney. I can’t do a thing with her. She’s bucking like a bronco with a broomstick up its butt!
COLONEL SVETLANA BEATNIK
No more similes! Is not time or place for bad poetry! We must activate cooling pumps or ship will disintegrate like former Soviet Union, or evaporate like boiling water in the great samovar of God, or go boom like bass drum in Russian heavy metal band I once saw in Vladivostok!
MAJOR JIN-YONG PARK
Shut up! Have you gone insane? We must pump or die!
OBERHAUPTMAN FRITZI MüLLER
Ja! Ze heat is intolerable! Mein gott, Captain Thruster, your face iss as red as a boiled lobster!
CAPTAIN BROCK THRUSTER
Let’s get the hell out of here and start workin’ those pumps!
(CREW reprises the last two verses of “Tinkle”.)
(ALL sing.)
Tinkle!
We’ll go tinkle!
It’s nature’s way of dealing with our stress!
Tinkle!
We’ll go tinkle!
Before we die we’re going to make a mess!
Before we die we’re going to make a mess!
(ALL exit in a jolting frenzy.)
Aliens in Love by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 2:
SETTING: Strategic Space Command headquarters.
(GENERAL HOMER GOMER and MAJOR GONFER GOOD enter.)
GENERAL HOMER GOMER
What news from United States Starship Cantwin, Major Good?
MAJOR GONFOR GOOD
The damn thing’s almost completely out of control, General Gomer, but headed roughly in the right direction.
GENERAL HOMER GOMER
The Cantwin should’ve been manned by Americans. Nothing worse than an “international” crew on an American ship. Like putting the animals in charge of the zookeeper.
MAJOR GONFER GOOD
Yessir. But it’s good public relations.
GENERAL HOMER GOMER
Public relations? What in hell you talking about, Major? We send a spaceship worth billions to rescue the President of the United States from a bunch of aliens and put a crew on board that can hardly speak English. That’s just plain ignorant, Major Good.
MAJOR GONFER GOOD
Yessir, General Gomer, sir. But here on Earth, everyone’s rooting for us. You see, sir, those aliens from the planet Tantrum did us a big favour kidnapping the President and the First Lady. Now we humans have a real enemy instead of just killing each other like in the old days.
GENERAL HOMER GOMER
Hell, I’d rather kill terrorists and dictators right here on Earth. Those aliens from Tantrum are smart. Ain’t no way we’re going be able to waste ‘em with our crude weapons.
MAJOR GONFER GOOD
Hopefully it won’t come to that, sir.
GENERAL HOMER GOMER
I’m just an old soldier, Major, just a beat up old marine that knows a thing or two about kicking ass. And I’m telling you, we are going to get our asses kicked real good by those aliens on Tantrum.
(Recommended melody for “Let’s Hope He’s Human!“)
(GENERAL GOMER sings:)
There’s only one kind of war
That we know how to win.
There’s only one kind of enemy to waste.
There’s only one kind of guy
That can take it on the chin.
He’s the kind of guy that’s got a human face.
(GENERAL GOMER and MAJOR GOOD sing:)
If we’ve got to fight some guy
Let’s hope he’s human;
Let’s hope he’s human.
Let’s hope he’s human.
If we’ve gotta shoot our guns
Let’s go kill some mothers’ sons
And not some smartass alien from space.
(MAJOR GOOD sings:)
Down here on earth it’s a sin
To lose and not to win.
And so we pick our enemies with care.
We find a guy who’s meek,
who turns the other cheek:
Someone we can intimidate and scare.
(GENRAL GOMER and MAJOR GOOD sing:)
If we’ve got to fight some guy
Let’s hope he’s human;
Let’s hope he’s human.
Let’s hope he’s human.
If we’ve gotta shoot our guns
Let’s go kill some mothers’ sons
And not some smartass alien from space.
If we’ve gotta shoot our guns
Let’s go kill some mother’s sons
And not some smartass alien from space.
MAJOR GONFER GOOD
But we’ve got to try to save the president, General Gomer. And the First Lady. Not to mention those other poor earthlings that those aliens took by mistake.
GENERAL HOMER GOMER
You sound like a goddamn boy scout, Major. Come on, let’s go to the officer’s club and have couple of shots of Kentucky bourbon. Can’t do nothin’ more til that ship gets to Tantrum. Friggin’ aliens. Give me World War Two anyday.
(They exit.)
Aliens in Love by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 3:
SETTING: The Throne Room of the Planet Tantrum.
(VANDROS LEGULA enters with her advisor HIKPUK GOK, the WARRIORS, and the HIGH PRIESTESS and her ASSISTANT.)
HIKPUK GOK
All hail Vandros Legula, Glorious Leader of the Planet Tantrum!
EVERYONE
(raising their spindly left legs and bending them at the knees, and spinning their left foot in salute)
Vandros Legula, the chosen one!
VANDROS LEGULA
(deliberately ambiguous)
What do you love almost as much as me?
EVERYONE
Tantrum! Tantrum! We love our planet Tantrum!
VANDROS LEGULA
(noticing TIKKI WAKKIT, who is scratching his itchy armpit)
You! What is your name?
TIKKI WAKKIT
(snapping to attention)
Tikki Wakkit, Glorious Leader!
KLUKTUK GOOBOG
He is an Insect Warrior Second Class, Glorious Leader.
VANDROS LEGULA
You intoxicate me, Tikki Wakkit. Come closer.
KLUKTUK GOOBOG
Do as the leader says, Tikki Wakkit
GUBBO TIMBUK
How lucky you are, Tikki Wakkit. Our Glorious Leader has selected you!
MARGUT FUNPOT
Go to her, Tikki Wakkit, and enjoy the fruits of your good fortune!
TIKKI WAKKIT
No! I don’t want to!
KLUKTUK GOOBOG
Take him before her, Gubbo Timbuk and Margut Funpot!
GUBBO and MARGUT
Yes, Kluktuk Goobog, Insect Warrior First Class!
(They drag the screaming TIKKIto the feet of VANDROS LEGULA.TIKKI whimpers as the others return to their places.)
VANDROS LEGULA
What do you think I should do with him, Hikpuk Gok, my trusted advisor?
HIKPUK GOK
Consume his head, Glorious leader.
VANDROS LEGULA
Now, Tikki Wakkit, I will consume your tiny brain.
(She pulls his head up towards her gaping and horrible mouth and is about to chomp down on it when QUAD ANGELICA begins emitting a high-pitched shriek.)
TORNELLA GODSPAWN
(holding her temples a weaving back and forth)
A message from the almighty! A message from the almighty!
(TORNELLA weaves a bit more and faints. VANDROS LEGULA releases TIKKI WAKKIT, who hurries back to his fellow warriors. QUAD ANGELICO goes to TORNELLA and helps her revive.)
QUAD ANGELICO
Let me help you regain consciousness, Tornella Godspawn, High Priestess of Tantrum!
TORNELLA GODSPAWN
Thank you, Quad Angelico , my loyal assistant. Your shrieking is hard to bear, but your strong appendages are most useful.
QUAD ANGELICO
(he is in love with her)
There is nothing I love more than to support your fragile body with my powerful limbs, Tornella Godspawn, High Priestess of Tantrum.
(QUAD ANGELICO sets her on her feet again.)
TORNELLA GODSPAWN
Glorious Leader, Magnifica Raptura, the Almighty Empress of the Shundula Galaxy wishes to address us!
THE WARRIORS
(pounding their spears)
Magnifica Raptura! Magnifica Raptura! Almighty Empress of the Shundula Galaxy!
(Eerie music. MAGNIFICA RAPTURA emanates onto the stage, accompanied by her lackie FERGUS MONK. All kneel before her.)
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
Fergus, Fergus, Fergus Monk, my lackey, where oh where in the vast cold universe do we find ourselves?
FERGUS MONK
On the planet Tantrum, oh Rapturous One!
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
No, Fergus, no, not Tantrum, the planet of nasty, semi-literate, belligerent insects!
FERGUS MONK
I’m afraid so, Empress Magnifica. It’s first on your list today.
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
I see. Then I shall be brief.
(MAGNIFICA assumes her formal posture as Empress of the Shundula Galaxy.)
MAGNICA RAPTURA
Vandros Legula, leader of Tantrum!
VANDROS LEGULA
(shrieking with pain)
My head! It is bursting!
(MAGNIFICA releases VANDROS from the awful pain.)
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
That is because you have made much trouble, Vandros Legula.
QUAD ANGELICO
(to TORNELLA GODSPAWN)
The Empress speaks of the Earthlings, my priestess!
TORNELLA GODSPAWN
Yes, the ones locked in the vestibule!
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
You have kidnapped several Earthlings, Vandros Legula, and now their brethren have launched a mission to retrieve them!
HIKPUK GOK
(aside to VANDROS LEGULA)
The Almighty Empress has discovered our secret, Glorious leader! We shall all be punished!
VANDROS LEGULA
We need those Earthlings as hostages, oh mighty Magnifica Raptura, Empress of the Shundula Galaxy!
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
Shut up! You have disturbed the tranquility of the Shundula Galaxy! And now I have a headache! Fergus, oh Fergus, Vandros Legula has given me a headache!
FERGUS MONK
Make her pay, Almighty Empress!
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
In due course, Fergus, in due course.
(to VANDROS)
Vandros Legula! I am giving you one chance to redeem yourself. You must divine a message that will stop the Earthlings from attacking your planet.
HIKPUK GOK
Then what, Almighty Empress?
FERGUS MONK
(pointing his bony claw at HIKPUK GOK)
Do not interrupt, insect woman!
(HIKPUK GOK writhes in agony, screaming for a few moments, then collapses. The others cower in fear.)
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
I will lend you an intergalactic messenger. You must send him to the Earthling’s spaceship to deliver your message. Do as I say, Vandros Legula, or Fergus will remove your head from you spindly body and hurl it across the galaxy!
(Recommended melody for “Almighty Empress“)
(MAGNIFICA sings:)
I may be beautiful, wondrous, and fine;
My cheeks may be rosy like fine vintage wine.
My beauty may charm you, but don’t be misled:
If you dare to cross me I’ll take off your head.
(VANDROS LEGULA’S ENTOURAGE sings:)
Her beauty may charm us, but don’t be misled:
If we dare to cross her, she’ll take off our heads.
(FERGUS sings:)
She looks like an angel; she’s sweet as a tart;
Her lips are as red as the blood in her heart;
Her eyes can seduce you, but do not be fooled:
She’ll get me to kill you if you break her rules.
(VANDROS LEGULA’S ENTOURAGE sings:)
Her eyes can seduce us, but we won’t be fools,
For Fergus will kill us if we break her rules.
(VANDROS LEGULA sings:)
Almighty Empress, I’ll do as you say!
I’ll dispatch your messenger off on his way.
He’ll plead with the Earthlings to stop their attack;
He’ll make them all love him and then he’ll come back..
(VANDROS LEGULA’S ENTOURAGE sings:)
Please, mighty Empress, don’t take off her head!
What will we do if our leader is dead?
Send us your messenger without delay;
Vandros has promised to do what you say.
Our leader has promised to do what you say.
Send us your messenger without delay.
VANDROS LEGULA
Almighty Empress, I promise to do your bidding! I do not want Fergus to pull off my head and hurl it across the galaxy.
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
Fergus! Transport us to our next appointment immediately!
FERGUS MONK
Let’s see. Ah yes, we are due on the planet Bellytuk in half an hour.
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
Bellytuk? Oh yes, I must punish them for substituting surgical makeovers for healthy exercise and natural aging. Come, Fergus!
(Eerie music. MAGNICA and FERGUS disappear, and VECTOR PARFAIT the messenger appears. The WARRIORS guard him with their spears.)
VANDROS LEGULA
Who are you? Speak or die!
HIKPUK GOK
Who are you? Answer, or we will remove your head and use it in a soccer match!
WARRIORS
Answer! Answer! What is your purpose?
VECTOR PARFAIT
I am Vector Parfait, Intergalactic Messenger!
TORNELLA GODSPAWN
He is the one sent by the Almighty Empress , Glorious Leader!
QUAD ANGELICO
You look at him with lust in your eyes, High Priestess Tornella Godspawn!
TORNELLA GODSPAWN
Perhaps.
VANDROS LEGULA
Enough! Vector Parfait, we are going to load you onto a rocket pod and fire you at the Earthling spaceship Cantwin. There, you must persuade them not to attack us.
VECTOR PARFAIT
I am only a messenger. I can persuade no one.
HIKPUK GOK
(lunging for him, throwing him down, and sitting on him)
You will do what you are told to do, space boy!
VECTOR PARFAIT
All right, all right!
(HIKPUK releases him.)
VANDROS LEGULA
That’s more like it. Now I must retire to my cave and listen to my collection of Earth music, featuring Celine Dion, Canadian success story.
HIKPUK GOK
A rare thing indeed, Glorious Leader.
VANDROS LEGULA
Come, Hikpuk Gok, my trusted adviser. Perhaps I shall let you listen to Ms. Dion’s divine warbling.
HIKPUK GOK
You generosity knows no bounds, Glorious Leader.
(VANDROS LEGULA and HIKPUK GOK exit.)
QUAD ANGELICO
Tornella Godspawn, oh mighty priestess, can I wax and shine your exoskeleton?
TORNELLA GODSPAWN
No. It’s obvious to everyone that you are in love with me, Quad Angelico. But I am a priestess and forbidden by law to engage in exoskeleton maintenance with a male insect such as you.
(They exit and the warriors talk with VECTOR PARFAIT.)
KLUKTUK GOOBOG
(to VECTOR PARFAIT, poking him with her spear)
You tough?
GUBBO TIMBUK
(to VECTOR PARFAIT, prodding with her spear)
You look pretty skinny to me, space boy.
MARGUT FUNPOT
(poking at his feet with her spear)
What’s the matter, space boy? You scared of us insects?
KLUKTUK GOOBOG
You got something against insects, space boy?
GUBBO TIMBUK
You prejudiced against creepy crawly insects like us, Mr. Messenger from Space?
MARGUT FUNPOT
We can suck the insect-hating blood out of your skinny body in five seconds, you butt-kissing little messenger boy.
TIKKI WAKKIT
(piercing his own body with his spear by mistake)
Aieeeeee! I have pierced my own body by mistake!
(The others watch in amazement as TIKKI WAKKIT dances wildly with pain and collapses. VECTOR PARFAIT
goes to him, pulls out the spear, and places his hands on the wound. Immediately, TIKKI WAKKIT
is cured. He bounds to his feet, whooping, and does a couple of push-ups and jumping jacks.)
I feel good! Oh yes, like a new insect!
(More whooping until KLUKTUK GOOBOG slaps him hard to settle him down.)
KLUKTUK GOOBOG
(to VECTOR PARFAIT, with newfound respect.)
How did you do that, Messenger Man?
VECTOR PARFAIT
Just a little trick I learned on the planet E.R.
(Recommended melody for “Nimble Little Fingers“)
(VECTOR PARFAIT sings:)
Quick little fingers
Love to heal you if you’re sick.
They just the sort of medicine
That’s sure to do the trick.
Oh, you’ll feel a little tingle
When I probe your hurting place
As my nimble little fingers
Put a smile upon your face
My quick nimble fingers
Put joy upon your face.
(VANDROS LEGULA’S ENTOURAGE sings:)
Oh joy! So lovely and magical!
Joy, oh joy! So fine and fantastical!
Wonderful!
How marvelous!
How absolutely grand
When you rubbed Tikki Wakkit
And healed him with your hands!
Your hands! You made him all well again!
Hands, your hands! You gave him his life again!
(TIKKI WAKKIT sings:)
In went my blade
And I felt a pain,
But your rubbed me down
And I’m healthy again.
You rubbed with your fingers
And I’m fine again!
(VANDROS LEGULA’S ENTOURAGE sings:)
Oh joy, and now he’s all well again!
Joy, oh joy, he’s well and he’s swell again!
Wonderful!
How marvelous!
How awesome and devine!
Oh you rubbed on Tikki Wakkit
And now he feels fine,
So fine! So splendid and fabulous!
Fine, so fine! So great and fantabulous!
(VECTOR PARFAIT sings:)
Wonderful!
(TIKKI WAKKIT sings:)
Marvelous!
(VANDROS LEGULA’S ENTOURAGE sing:)
How awesome and devine!
(VECTOR PARFAIT sings:)
I rubbed Tikki Wakkit,
(TIKKI WAKKIT sings:)
And now I feel fine.
(ALL sing:)
Oh joy! So lovely and magical!
Joy, oh joy! So fine and fantastical!
Fine!
Fine!
Fine!
Fine!
GUBBO TIMBUK
Could you cure the hangnail on my little claw?
(GUBBO holds out her little finger. VECTOR PARFAITtouches it and cures it.)
GUBBO TIMBUK
Thank you, Space Messenger.
VECTOR PARFAIT
Da nada! I’d do the same for any insect.
MARGUT FUNPOT
Could you withdraw the large parasite from my torso, Space Messenger?
(VECTOR PARFAIT reaches into MARGUT’s torso and extracts a long snake-like parasite, wrestles with it,
and hurls it off stage).
MARGUT FUNPOT
That feels so much better!
KLUKTUK GOOBOG
Now come along, warriors. We must put Vector Parfait in a rocket pod and fire him at the earthship Cantwin.
(ALL exit except TIKKI WAKKIT.)
TIKKI WAKKIT
First, I put the spear into my body…
(pushes spear into himself)
Owwww! Then, the space messenger pulled it out like this.
(tries to pull it out, but it hurts too much)
Aieeee! It hurts! It hurts! Mr. Parfait! Mr. Parfait! Please extract my spear again!
(TIKKI WAKKIT exits.)
Aliens in Love by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 4:
SETTING: The Vestibule of Containment.
(DR. AORTA HEARTBURN enters with JINGLE RAWSHOK.)
DR. AORTA HEARTBURN
Now, Miss Rawshok, you must try to understand. We have been captured by aliens and are being held here in this vestibule on the planet Tantrum.
JINGLE RAWSHOK
Aw, c’mon, Dr. Heartburn, ya can’t fool me. I know you’re the real alien and you’re planning to extract my kidneys as soon as I fall asleep.
DR. AORTA HEARTBURN
Nonsense, Jingle. I’m an earthling, and proud of it. I am also a psychiatrist, and you are my patient.
JINGLE RAWSHOK
You want my kidneys, you space freak!
DR. AORTA HEARTBURN
(as she stalks JINGLE)
I am far more interested in your fascinating little brain, Jingle. Even here on an alien planet, surrounded by semi-literate, belligerent insects, I find myself more intoxicated than ever by the human mind. Why, just last night I dreamed that I turned into a teeny-tiny little pyschiatrist, and walked right up your ear canal into your brain, where I had a picnic with a little man called Randolph.
JINGLE RAWSHOK
How dare you! Randolph is the secret tiny man in my head! No one is supposed to know about him.
DR. AORTA HEARTBURN
Tell Dr. Heartburn all about it, dear…
(The two settle down for story time.)
DR. AORTA HEARTBURN
Now, let it all pour out of your fascinating brain.
JINGLE RAWSHOK
Well, you see, Dr. Heartburn, Randolph comforts me by washing the insides of my eyeballs and he has a full-time job pushing my hair up out of my head.
(Recommended melody for “Randolph“)
(JINGLE sings:)
There’s a teeny-tiny man
Who lives inside my precious head.
He talks to me while I’m awake
And when I’m sleeping in my bed.
(JINGLE and DR. HEARTBURN sing:)
Randolph! Randolph!
What a lovely fellow!
(JINGLE sings:)
His hair is red, his eyes are blue,
(JINGLE and DR. HEARTBURN sing:)
His underpants are yellow!
(DR. HEARTBURN sings:)
I dreamed that Randolph led me to
A cozy place inside your brain.
We ate your brain cells while we talked
About the ways you are insane.
(JINGLE and DR. HEARTBURN sing:)
Randolph! Randolph!
What a lovely fellow!
(DR. HEARTBURN sings:)
His teeth are straight, his lips are full,
(JINGLE and DR. HEARTBURN sing:)
His breath is very mellow!
(JINGLE sings:)
My Randolph is my special friend;
He’s just for me alone.
I won’t share my little man
So get a man of your own.
(JINGLE and DR. HEARTBURN sing:)
Randolph! Randolph!
What a lovely fellow!
His liver’s black , his lungs are green,
His heart is purple jello!
(DR. HEARTBURN sings:)
You want Randolph for yourself
So I won’t harm your esteem.
Just go ahead thinking that he’s real,
But I can have him when I dream.
(JINGLE and DR. HEARTBURN sing:)
Randolph! Randolph!
What a lovely guy!
Yeah, real or not, he’s what we’ve got,
We’ll have him ‘til we die.
Yeah, real or not, he’s what we’ve got;
We’ll have him ‘til we die.
DOCTOR AORTA HEARTBURN
Well, wasn’t that fun, Jingle?
(checking her watch)
Goodness me! It’s time for your shot. Let me inject you with this soothing serum.
(DOCTOR HEARTBURN pulls out a massive syringe.)
JINGLE RAWSHOK
Get that bug juice away from me! You can’t fool me. I can see your reptile alien skin underneath that fake human peaches and cream complexion! Alien! Alien!
(JINGLE runs around screaming “Alien”, but DR. HEARTBURN lunges at her and subdues her, administering the needle. JINGLE becomes inert.)
DOCTOR HEARTBURN
There. What a magnificent specimen she is! If only I could get her back to my laboratory on earth, I could slice open her head and investigate her brain. But there are no surgical instruments available here on this god-forsaken planet.
(BUCK and STAR SPANGLEBANNER, the President and First Lady, have entered and watched as DR. HEARTBURN delivers her monologue.)
(It’s recommended that PRESIDENT SPANGLEBANNER is played by a female as a male, and STAR by a male as a female.)
PRESIDENT SPANGLEBANGER
Ahem.
DOCTOR HEARTBURN
Mr. President! I didn’t see you!
PRESIDENT SPANGLEBANGER
Are you insinuating, Dr. Heartburn, I’m too short to be President of the United States of America?
STAR SPANGLEBANGER
Don’t be angry, dear. After all, you’re only five feet tall, and you have a very high voice for a man.
PRESIDENT SPANGLEBANGER
My tiny-ness did not stop me from becoming the most powerful man on Earth, Star. Why, back home I could have a nobody like Dr. Heartburn crushed like a bug!
DOCTOR HEARTBURN
I am a Canadian psychiatrist, President Spanglebanner! You cannot intimidate me!
PRESIDENT SPANGLEBANGER
My armed forces could crush your puny little nation like a bug anytime I want!
STAR SPANGLEBANGER
But we’re not in Washington, Buck, darling. We are being held hostage on the planet Tantrum.
PRESIDENT SPANGLEBANGER
Damn it to hell, Star, don’t you think I know that? I may be small, but I’m not an idiot! I will crush Tantrum like a bug!
DOCTOR HEARTBURN
You suffer from the “little man” complex, President Spanglebanner. In order to compensate for your diminutive stature, you try to overpower everyone around you. It’s quite clear you picked a wife who is easy to dominate.
STAR SPANGLEBANGER
Buck does not dominate me, Dr. Heartburn. He let’s me watch T.V. during prime time, and I have my own toilet in the White House.
(Recommended melody for “My Man“)
(STAR sings:)
Buck may be smaller than most men you meet;
His voice, though, is sweet as a kitty in heat.
He does what he can and he says what he must
With a voice I can love, oh, a voice I can trust.
Though my man may be shorter than presidents past,
He’s got a look that always will last.
Check out his build and his fine noble head!
And everyone knows he’s fantastic in bed.
(BUCK sings:)
I am the President, President, President!
I am the boss of you all!
I am the President, President, President!
So I don’t have to be tall!
(STAR sings:)
Look at him standing there so proud and fine
Like a fine little bottle of rosy red wine!
Hey, Mr. President, I am your wife!
I’ll hug you and squeeze you the rest of your life!
(BUCK sings:)
I am the head of the United States
America helps me stand tall!
I am the head of the United States!
So I am the boss of you all!
(STAR sings:)
My man is the boss,
The boss of you all.
(BUCK sings:)
Yes, I am the boss of you all!
(MABEL BISQUIK and GERTRUDE KIPPER enter.)
MABEL BISQUIK
‘Ere, wot’s going on? Looks loik the president’s ‘aving another of ‘is littul fits, Gerty!
GERTRUDE KIPPER
‘E’s got that look on ‘is mug loik ‘e gets when ‘e’s bleedin’ angry, Mabel. Wot’s the matter, Mister Prezzydent?
PRESIDENT SPANGLEBANGER
Don’t you two English housewives have anything better to do, like maybe go bake some Yorkshire puddings or something?
MABEL BISQUIK
Moi, moi, ‘e’s a bit touchy, innee! Miss the old You Ess of Aye do you? Oi can’t see why, wot with all them croisies you ‘ave to deal with on a diley bysis.
GERTRUDE KIPPER
You oughta be griteful to be ‘ere on good owld Tantrum, Mister Prezzydent, a littul man like you. It’s syfer heeya.
JINGLE RAWSHOK
(recovering)
Where am I?
(seeing the PRESIDENT)
A leprechaun!
(JINGLE lunges for the PRESIDENT but he dodges. DOCTOR HEARTBURN has to restrain JINGLE.)
JINGLE RAWSHOK
Let me go, Dr. Heartburn! If I can catch that leprechaun, I’ll get six thousand wishes!
MABEL BISQUIK
Completely bloody bonkers.
GERTRUDE KIPPER
She cawn’t ‘elp it. she’s a Canide-ian. They’re all bloody bonkers. It’s the cold wot does it.
STAR SPANGLEBANGER
Young lady, you know perfectly well he’s not a leprechaun.
PRESIDENT SPANGLEBANGER
I am the President of the United States of America, dammit!
MABEL BISQUIK
Poor littul bugger! I kinda feel sorry for ‘im, Gerty.
GERTRUDE KIPPER
Look at ‘im, standing there all shrivelled up like a droid apple!
DOCTOR HEARTBURN
If I release you, will you behave, Miss Rawshok?
JINGLE RAWSHOK
(breaking free)
That little leprechaun wants to kill us all! He can shoot his teeth out of his mouth like bullets and his nasal passages can belch fire!
PRESIDENT SPANGLEBANNER
She’s not so crazy. She senses my awesome power. I can bend her to my will!
DOCTOR HEARTBURN
The child is insane, Mr. President. Do not toy with her!
MABEL BISQUIK
Oi’d loike to get off this bleedin’ planet, Gerty. It’s not them insects that oi moind so much…it’s the bloomin’ humans we ‘ave to live with.
GERTRUDE KIPPER
Wot oi wouldn’t give to be back with me old Jack, cuddlin’ boi the fiyah and watchin’ the telly with moi littul kitty in moi lap.
(Recommended melody for “Wonderful England!“)
(GERTRUDE sings:)
Oh, how I’d love to be back in England,
Lovely England,
Not out here in a nasty alien place!
(MABEL sings:)
Yes, oh, how I’d love to be in London,
Smelly old London!
An English lass gets lonely lost in space!
(GERTRUDE sings:)
Oh we miss our fish & chips;
(MABEL sings:)
Their grub goes straight to our hips,
(GERTRUDE and MABEL sing:)
There ain’t no pub where we can swill beer!
(MABEL sings:)
These bugs are awful rude;
(GERTRUDE sings:)
They tell us what to do,
(GERETRUDE and MABEL sing:)
And they poke us with their pointy bug spears!
Oh, how we’d love to be back in England,
Lovely England,
Not out here in a nasty alien place!
Yes, oh, how we’d love to be in London,
Smelly old London!
An English lass gets lonely lost in space!
An English gal’s lonely lost in space!
MABEL BISQUIK
It’s that bleedin’ president’s fault. He’s the one them insects wanted, not us old bats. We got dragged ‘ere boi mistyke.
GERTRUDE KIPPER
Caught up in that bloody extraction ray, like a coupla plump codfish in a north sea trawler’s bleedin’ net.
DOCTOR HEARTBURN
Miss Rawshok and I were dragged here, too, Mr. President, you tiny, pompous little ass! I grieve for my surgical tools on a daily basis!
JINGLE RAWSHOK
Little leprechaun with radioactive eyeballs and poison breath!
STAR SPANGLEBANGER
Dear, when do you think the rescue mission will get here? It can’t be much longer.
JINGLE RAWSHOK
You are going to die, little woman. It is written for all to read on your forehead.
STAR SPANGLEBANGER
Me?
MABEL BISQUIK
My ‘Arold always used to say, “Them that’s barmy can see the future.”
GERTRUDE KIPPER
And she’s barmy, Missus First Loidy. Oi’d watch moi step, if I were you.
DOCTOR HEARTBURN
Oh no, it’s that dreadful rap artist Frost U and his backup boy Puff Laddy!
(FROST U enters with his backup man PUFF LADDY and raps as PUFF LADDY does moves and adds rhythm in the background.)
(FROST U raps while PUFF LADDY provides rhythmic sounds:)
You stuck on a planet with a buncha creeps,
ain’t nothin’ you can do but eat and sleep;
the insects is watchin’ every night and day
so you better listen up and hear what I say:
Gotta get me a cookie!
(The ENGLISH HOUSEWIVES chant:)
Get me a cookie!
(FROST U raps while PUFF LADDY provides rhythmic sounds:)
Gotta get me a cookie!
(ENGLISH HOUSEWIVES chant:)
Get me a cookie!
(FROST U raps while PUFF LADDY provides rhythmic sounds:)
Gotta get me a cookie cause there’s nothin’ else to do
Gonna get me a cookie before I’m through
Gotta get me a cookie!
(ENGLISH HOUSEWIVES chant:)
Get me a cookie!
(FROST U raps while PUFF LADDY provides rhythmic sounds:)
Gotta get me a cookie, yo, yo, yay,
Get some, get some, hear what I say,
Yo, get some, get some, get some!
(FROST U and PUFF LADDY exit.)
MABEL BISQUIK
Oi wonder woi ‘e never made it as a rap artist?
GERTRUDE KIPPER
‘E certainly knows ‘ow to get me sweating loike a monkey in a pizza oven!
MABEL BISQUIK
And now ‘e’s and ‘is littul friend is trapped ‘ear on this insect-ridden planet lookin’ for some nooky wot they ain’t ever going to get.
GERTRUDE KIPPER
Sad, innit?
MABEL BISQUIK
Yayse. Poor littul buggers.
PRESIDENT SPANGLEBANGER
I want to go home!
(The PRESIDENT runs offstage, sobbing.)
STAR SPANGLEBANGER
Please, Buck, try to be presidential! Oh dear, now I’m going to cry too!
(STAR runs offstage sobbing.)
JINGLE RAWSHOK
Come back little leprechaun man! I want to chop off your magical middle finger and glue it to the top of my head to ward off evil spirits!
(JINGLE exits.)
DOCTOR HEARTBURN
(taking out notepad and pencil and lying on the stage like a schoolgirl)
Dear Diary. Today something exciting happened. The rap artist Frost U was doing his latest number and as I listened to his pulsating rhythms, a thrill ran through me. I now know that one day I will turn the President of the United States into a sack full of Oreo cookies to distribute to the poor.
(Putting her notepad away, DOCTOR HEARTBURN exits.)
Aliens in Love by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 5:
SETTING: The starship Cantwin.
(The CREW has managed to regain control of the vessel. They return from the pumps.)
WING COMMANDER PHILLIP CHUTNEY
Good show, everyone. We seem to have regained control of the ship. You were magnificent, Millicent, churning away at that pump as if it would somehow make you young and beautiful again, just as you were so long ago when we first married.
SQUADRON LEADER MILLICENT CHUTNEY
Yes, but all the churning in the world can’t change the fact that I am a middle-aged RAF squadron leader facing certain death on a hopeless mission.
CAPTAIN BROCK THRUSTER
She’s handling like a dream now, Wing Commander Chutney. Reminds me of my days as captain of a giant football that hauled Japanese tourists up and down the Potomac River. One day that ol’ football sank like a stone. I was the only one to make it out alive.
MAJOR JIN-YONG PARK
The port engine is gone.
WING COMMANDER CHUTNEY
(as they all peer to left)
Great balls of fire! You’re right, Major Park. The entire engine is no longer attached to the left wing.
OBERHAUPTMAN FRITZI MüLLER
Ja! Der rocket engine iss floating avay into zuh distance, und burning like a candle in zuh night. How vill ve comlete zuh voyage mitt only von engine, Ving Commander Chutney?
COLONEL SVETLANA BEATNIK
You are perhaps afraid, Oberhauptman Müller? Is nothing! In Russia, there is old saying, “A peasant with one arm can still make a baby.”
OBERHAUPTMAN FRITZI MüLLER
(rising)
Vot kind off saying is zat, Colonel Beatnik? You Russians are crude und you haff no culture. Ve Germans haff Beethoven und Wagner und cheese balls. And vot do you haff? Ice und snow und vodka und some serious problems mitt personal hygiene.
COLONEL SVETLANA BEATNIK
(also rising)
Is not true! I shower two, sometimes three times each winter!
OBERHAUPTMAN FRITZI MüLLER
Oh, ja, ja! Zat vould explain vy your towel has not been used even vonce on ziss whole journey through endless space, Colonel Beatnik!
(SVETLANA slaps FRITZI.)
COLONEL SVETLANA BEATNIK
Fascist dog!
(FRITZI slaps SVETLANA.)
OBERHAUPTMAN FRITZI MüLLER
Bolshevik beast!
(FRITZI and SVETLANA tussle. WING COMMANDER CHUTNEY and MILLICENT intercede, pulling them apart.)
WING COMMANDER PHILLIP CHUTNEY
I say, this isn’t exactly cricket! Try to behave.
SQUADRON LEADER MILLICENT CHUTNEY
Phillip and I never squabble like children!
CAPTAIN BROCK THRUSTER
I’m having a bit of trouble holding her, Wing Commander. She’s starting to break up again!
COLONEL SVETLANA BEATNIK
(breaking free from PHILLIP CHUTNEY)
English dog! You know nothing about passion, about life! You are as dead as the gray roast beef you eat every Sunday!
(SVETLANA punches PHILLIP, then leaps on him and chokes him and slams his head against the floor.)
OBERHAUPTMAN FRITZI MüLLER
(breaking free from MILLICENT CHUTNEY and choking her)
You are veak und stupid, Squadron Leader Chutney. See how easily I can break you in two? Unhhhh!
(FRITZI karate chops MILLICENT on both shoulders, felling her on the spot, and then jumps on her and chokes her.)
CAPTAIN BROCK THRUSTER
(struggling with the controls)
Can’t hold her! She’s coming apart! Help me, god!
MAJOR JIN-YONG PARK
(trying to pull FRITZI off SQUADRON LEADER CHUTNEY)
You are insane, Oberhauptman Müller!
OBERHAUPTMAN FRITZI MüLLER
Shut up, you robot!
(FRITZI hurls JIN-YONG across the stage. There is a sudden stillness.)
MAJOR JIN-YONG PARK
(sprawled on the floor)
Robot?
COLONEL SVETLANA BEATNIK
Robot?
WING COMMANDER CHUTNEY and MILLICENT
Robot?
CAPTAIN BROCK THRUSTER
Robot?
OBERHAUPTMAN FRITZI MüLLER
Ja! You heard me! Robot! I am zuh medical officer, und I can detect no normal life functions in zat technical officer. So, he must be ein Knickarmroboter!
(Recommended melody for “Robot“)
(FRITZI sings:)
He iss a clumsy robot!
A gottverdamt machine!
Und if you vatch him closely,
You vill soon see vat I mean!
He valks like von,
He talks like von,
He doesn’t haff a heart,
Und underneath his uniform
He’s made of plastic parts!
(THE CHUTNEYS sing:)
A robot?
A robot?
Whatever do you mean?
He seems a sort of gentle chap
Who’s nice and neat and clean!
(COLONEL BEATNIK sings:)
A robot?
A robot?
Surely you are mad!
He is our comrade strong and true,
A brave and noble lad!
(BROCK THRUSTER sings as he struggles with the CANTWIN’s controls:)
It doesn’t matter what he is!
We’re all about to die!
You’d better quit your yakking
And kiss your ass goodbye!
(MAJOR PARK sings:)
Why do you call me “robot”?
I do not call you names!
And underneath our uniforms
We all are just the same!
(FRITZI sings:)
I do not believe you!
You vere programmed to tell lies!
Let’s remove his batteries
Un make ziss robot die!
Let’s remove his batteries
Un make ziss robot die!
MAJOR JIN-YONG PARK
My heart beats like any man’s! I am flesh and blood. I have a soul! Do not call me a robot.
SQUADRON LEADE MILLICENT CHUTNEY
I do believe he’s crying!
COLONEL SVETLANA BEATNIK
Is so poignant! Come to me, my boy! I will give you big Russian hug!
(JIN-YONG goes to her and throws himself in her arms, sobbing passionately.)
CAPTAIN BROCK THRUSTER
The starboard engine is breaking loose! She can’t take much more!
WING COMMANDER PHILLIP CHUTNEY
Robot or not, he’s a jolly good fellow and a decent sort of chap. I think he deserves more hugs!
(PHILLIP and MILLICENT hug the sobbing MAJOR.)
OBERHAUPTMAN FRITZI MüLLER
So, you vill hug zuh robot, but you haff no hugs for Fritzi Müller. I am left all alone mitt nothing! Alvays, I am alone…alone, alone, alone! Even mein mütter, who iss dead und in zuh grave, could not bring herself to touch me. “Fritzi,” she would say, “you are a cold und vicious little fraulein…get out of mein house!” Und so I joined zuh Luftwaffe und became a medical officer…just so I could touch someone mitt mein icy fingers…let me touch you…just von off you…
(FRITZI lurches towards them, but they all draw back, so she goes to CAPTAIN BROCK THRUSTER, who is desperately trying to control the ship, and to the horror of the others proceeds to strangle him.)
CAPTAIN BROCK THRUSTER
Arggghhhh! Leggo! You’re choking me! Arghhhh!
OBERHAUPTMAN FRITZI MüLLER
Die, you Amerikaner pig!
(FRITZI tosses him aside like a bundle of old rags, then stares at her hands in shock.)
OBERHAUPTMAN FRITZI MüLLER
Mein hands! Zay haff betrayed me again!
(beginning to choke herself)
No! Mein hands…urrgghlll…
(The ship spins dangerously out of control. Everyone except FRITZI is thrown offstage. She stands alone, rocking back and forth with her arms folded to stop her hands from strangling herself.)
OBERHAUPTMAN FRITZI MüLLER
Zuh ship! It is heading straight for zat planet! Mein gott! Ve are going to crash!
(There is the sound of crunching metal and FRITZI is thrown offstage.)
Aliens in Love by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 6:
SETTING: Strategic Space Command Headquarters.
(GENERAL GOMER enters with MAJOR GOOD.)
MAJOR GOOD
It’s no use, sir. We can’t locate Starship Cantwin anywhere!
GENERAL HOMER GOMER
Don’t lie to me, Major Good. I’ll have you court-martialled, by god.
MAJOR GOOD
I’m not lying, General Gomer! The ship’s disappeared completely!
GENERAL HOMER GOMER
(roaring)
How the hell can fifty billions dollars worth of high-tech spaceship disappear, Major?
MAJOR GOOD
Must you shout, sir? I think my ear drum just burst.
GENERAL HOMER GOMER
I may be just a dumb old grunt, Major, just an old marine who doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. But I know this: The woman I love is on that ship.
MAJOR GOOD
The woman you love? But you’re married, sir, and your wife’s right here on the base!
GENERAL HOMER GOMER
I love that German medical officer on that missing starship, Major. She’s the only woman I’ve ever truly loved…the only one that is a female version of myself.
MAJOR GOOD
A female version of yourself, sir?
GENERAL HOMER GOMER
That’s right, Major. If you ever meet the female version of yourself, marry her immediately. Don’t let her die on some starship in some far-off galaxy.
(Recommended melody for “Female Version of Myself“)
(GENERAL GOMER sings:)
Somewhere out there, Major Good,
There’s a gal who’ll give you her heart.
She’ll be you and you’ll be her
Except for your private parts.
(MAJOR GOOD sings:)
But I’ve got stubble, General Gomer,
And my feet both stink like old cheese.
I’ve got boils and festering sores,
And pains in both of my knees.
(GENERAL GOMER sings:)
No more moaning, Major Good;
Stand up straight and act like a man.
The female version of yourself
Needs you to do what you can.
(MAJOR GOOD and GENERAL GOMER sings:)
Somewhere out there, lost in space,
There’s a gal who will give us her heart.
She’ll be us and we’ll be her, by God,
Except for our private parts!
She’ll be us, and we’ll be her, thank God,
Except for our private parts!
GENERAL HOMER GOOD
Now that’s more like it, Major Good. As for me, I intend to make the female version of myself feel like me, because that’s how I feel about myself.
MAJOR GOOD
But wouldn’t a female version of yourself be more like a sister than a wife, sir?
GENERAL HOMER GOMER
Shut up! Don’t you ever, ever suggest that Oberhauptman Fritzi Müller is my sister! She’s not even an American, for god’s sake!
MAJOR GOOD
Sir, perhaps we should take the emergency reserve rocket pod and try to find the missing starship?
GENERAL HOMER GOMER
It’s a slim chance, Major, but one worth taking. And from what I hear, that Russky weapons officer on the starship just might be all the woman you could ever want, big guy.
MAJOR GOOD
(excited by the prospect)
I’ll get the pod fired up at once, sir.
GENERAL HOMER GOMER
Good. And Major?
MAJOR GOOD
Yes, sir?
GENERAL HOMER GOMER
Bring Marine Field Manual 16-A…the one that has the section on how to fraternize with European women.
MAJOR GOOD
(highly enthused)
Yessir!
(They exit.)
Aliens in Love by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 7:
SETTING: The Throne Room of the Planet Tantrum.
(VANDROS LEGULA enters with HIKPUK GOK, and the INSECT WARRIOR.)
VANDROS LEGULA
Hikpuk Gok, my trusted advisor, has the messenger returned from his mission to the starship?
HIKPUK GOK
No, Glorious Leader. He has disappeared without a trace.
VANDROS LEGULA
Then the Earthlings must still be planning to attack Tantrum, and if they do, the Empress Magnifica Raptura will punish me. It is all your fault, Hikpuk Gok, you stupid insect.
HIKPUK GOK
My fault?
VANDROS LEGULA
Yes. You did not try to stop me from kidnapping that Earthling president and demanding that the people of Earth send us a lifetime supply of popcorn, Coca-Cola, and action movies.
HIKPUK GOK
But it was all your idea, Glorious Leader! You’re the only insect on Tantrum who likes to watch Earth movies!
VANDROS LEGULA
Silence! Earth movies have excellent special effects. Here on Tantrum, the only special effect we have invented is to throw an insect of a real cliff so that he smashes on the rocks below. That is why we have no great actors left.
HIKPUK GOK
But Earth movies have weak plots and uninteresting characterizations, Glorious Leader.
VANDROS LEGULA
After a hard day ruling Tantrum, all I want is to kick back and relax and watch a mindless movie with lots of explosions. Is that too much to ask?
HIKPUK GOK
But your desire for these movies has brought us to the brink of war with the Earthlings, Glorious Leader!
(Recommended melody for “Die and Go to Hell“)
(VANROS LEGULA sings:)
That’s enough out of you.
(WARRIORS sing:)
Enough out of you…
(VANDROS LEGULA sings:)
Have you nothing else to do
(WARRIORS sing:)
Nothing else to do…
(VANDROS LEGULA sings:)
But to lecture me as if you were my mom?
(WARRIORS sing:)
As if you were her mom.
(VANDROS LEGULA sings:)
I won’t stand for your crap;
(WARRIORS sing:)
Cut out all the crap…
(VANDROS LEGULA sings:)
You deserve a slap;
(WARRIORS sing:)
Time for a slap…
(VANDROS LEGULA sings:)
What if the Earthlings drop an atom bomb?
(WARRIORS sing:)
Drop an atom bomb…
(HIKPUK GOK sings:)
I’m not a lazy slob
And I try to do my job
(WARRIORS sing:)
She tries so hard…
(HIKPUK GOK sings:)
But you don’t listen to a thing I say!
(WARRIORS sing:)
A thing she says!
(HIKPUK GOK sings:)
You won’t take my advice
(WARRIORS sing:)
Take her advice…
(HIKPUK GOK sings:)
And that’s not very nice.
(WARRIORS sing:)
Not very nice…
(HIKPUK GOK sings:)
Soon you will face your judgment day.
(WARRIORS sing:)
Face your judgment…
(VANDROS LEGULA sings:)
How dare you speak like that
You nasty little brat;
(WARRIORS sing:)
Such a little brat!
(VANDROS LEGULA sings:)
You’re supposed to be my minister of state.
(WARRIORS sing:)
Her minister!
(VANDROS LEGULA sings:)
You’re the one that should be nice
(WARRIORS sing:)
Very, very nice…
(VANDROS LEGULA sings:)
And give me good advice,
(WARRIORS sing:)
Goody-good advice…
(VANDROS LEGULA sings:)
Not spew out endless messages of hate!
(WARRIORS sing:)
Messages!
(HIKPUK GOK sings:)
You nasty insect hag!
(WARRIORS sing:)
Haggy, haggy, hag…
(HIKPUK GOK sings:)
I’m just your punching bag!
(WARRIORS sing:)
Punch, punchy bag.
(VANDROS LEGULA sings:)
You deserve to be thrown in a well.
(WARRIORS sing:)
Thrown down into hell…
(HIKPUK GOK sings:)
I don’t care what you do;
(WARRIORS sing:)
Don’t care what you do.
(HIKPUK GOK sings:)
You and me are through!
(WARRIORS sing:)
Through, through, through.
(VANDROS LEGULA sings:)
It’s time for you to die and go to…
(WARRIORS sing:)
Time for you to die and go to…
(VANDROS LEGULA sings:)
Time for you to die and go to hell!
VANDROS LEGULA
Guards!
(the warriors become hyper-alert)
Poke Hikpuk Gok with your spears until she is no longer alive!
(VANDROS LEGULA exits. The warriors proceed to poke at HIKPUKGOK, except TIKKI WAKKIT, who pokes at the air.)
KLUKTUK GOOBOG
(stopping the others)
Hold it! Hold up a minute. Tikki Wakkit, why aren’t you poking Hikpuk Gok with your spear?
TIKKI WAKKIT
I am poking Hikpuk, see?
(TIKKI WAKKIT pokes the air.)
GUBBO TIMBUK
You’re poking the air, you fool! The air!
TIKKI WAKKIT
How about if I poke you, Gubbo Timbuk?
(TIKKI WAKKIT pokes GUBBO TIMBUK.)
GUBBO TIMBUK
Owww! Make him stop, Kluktuk!
KLUKTUK GOOBOG
Poke Tikki Wakkit, Margut Funpot.
MARGUT FUNPOT
Very well, Kluktuk Goobog. Unhhhh!
(MARGOT FUNPOT shoves her spear into TIKKI WAKKIT, who falls over, apparently dead.)
KLUKTUK GOOBOG
You have killed him, you fool!
GUBBO TIMBUK
Look! Tikki Wakkit pierced my exoskeleton!
MARGUT FUNPOT
He deserved to die for piercing Gubbo Timbuk’s exoskeleton, Kluktuk.
KLUKTUK GOOBOG
Remember the Great Law of Tantrum. If one insect kills another, then the killer must sing a song! Sing for us, Margut Funpot!
MARGUT FUNPOT
Very well.
(MARGUT FUNPOT sings acapella:)
I’m a little insect short and stout
Here is my handle, here is my spout
When I get all steamed up, here me shout
Death to Kluktuk! Death to Kluktuk!
(MARGUT stabs KLUKTUK, who gurgles and dies.)
GUBBO TIMBUK
You have killed Kluktuk Goobog, Margut Funpot!
MARGUT FUNPOT
Yes. I was angry, you see. And now I will kill you, Gubbo Timbuk.
GUBBO TIMBUK
Come on then, give me your best shot!
(They proceed to fightwith their spears, and finally GUBBO TIMBUK stabs MARGUT FUNPOT, who
gurgles and dies.)
GUBBO TIMBUK
What have I done?
HIKPUK GOK
(who has been watching)
Give me your spear at once, Gubbo Timbuk.
GUBBO TIMBUK
Yes, Hikpuk Gok. I feel ashamed. Here is my spear.
HIKPUK GOK
Take that, Gubbo Timbuk!Unhhhhh!
(HIKPUK thrusts the spear into GUBBO TIMBUK, who gurgles and dies.)
HIKPUYK GOK
There! Now I can escape. I’ll steal a rocket pod and fly to a nearby moon until all this trouble blows over!
(HIKPUK GOK exits. TORNELLA GODSPAWN enters with QUAD ANGELICO.)
QUAD ANGELICO
Priestess! The Glorious Leader’s insect warriors are all dead!
TORNELLA GODSPAWN
Yes, Quad Angelico. It is just as the ancients predicted.
QUAD ANGELICO
What did they predict?
TORNELLA GODSPAWN
“When the insect warriors die, the Earthlings will destroy Tantrum.”
(As she sings, the WARRIORS become the “forefathers” in a dream dance.)
(Recommended melody for “Kingdom Come“)
(TORNELLA GODSPAWN sings:)
Long ago, Quad Angelico,
Far, far back through the mists of time,
Tantrum was a swampy mess
Of festering bogs and endless slime.
(QUAD ANGELICO sings:)
Tantrum was a swampy mess
Of festering bogs and endless slime.
(TORNELLA GODSPAWN sings:)
Out of that primeval ooze
Crawled some rather nasty dudes,
Our forefathers crass and rude,
The prophets of our future doom.
(QUAD ANGELICO sings:)
Our forefathers crass and rude
Prophets our future doom.
(TORNELLA GODSPAWN sings:)
They warned us!
Oh yes, they warned us
About the Earthlings soft and dumb.
They warned us!
Yes, they warned us
About the awful times to come!
(TORNELLA and QUAD, singing together:)
They warned us!
Yes, the warned us!
When our warriors are gone,
The Earthlings soft and dumb
will blow us all to kingdom come!
Kingdom come!
Kingdom come!
Kingdom come!
QUAD ANGELICO
Priestess, let’s steal a rocket pod and get out of here!
TORNELLA GODSPAWN
Yes, that’s a good idea, Quad Angelico. I shall reward you well for your sharp thinking. Look, here comes that intergalactic messenger!
(VECTOR PARFAIT enters.)
VECTOR PARFAIT
I have failed in my mission.
TORNELLA GODSPAWN
What do you mean, Vector Parfait?
VECTOR PARFAIT
I was too late. The Earthling’s starship crashed into Tantrum and they were all killed.
QUAD ANGELICO
Killed! Now their brethren back on Earth will send more starships with more weapons and they will slaughter us insects!
VECTOR PARFAIT
I was able to heal the dead Earthlings, but they are angry and are coming this way armed to the teeth. They seek to avenge the kidnapping of the Earthling hostages!
TORNELLA GODSPAWN
Then we must prepare to fight! Vector Parfait, I order you to restore these dead insects to life!
VECTOR PARFAIT
Very well.
(VECTOR PARFAIT touches each of the dead INSECTS, who get up and dust themselves off and stand there
looking dazed.)
VECTOR PARFAIT
I have done as you commanded, Tornella Godspawn.
QUAD ANGELICO
The messenger looks at you with lust in his eyes, Priestess.
TORNELLA GODSPAWN
Perhaps.
VECTOR PARFAIT
(to TORNELLA GODSPAWN)
Will you marry me, Priestess?
QUAD ANGELICO
No!
(QUAD ANGELICO grabs KLUKTUK GOOBOG’S spear, and stabs VECTOR PARFAIT.)
QUAD ANGELICO
Unhhhhhh!
VECTOR PARFAIT
Ahhhh! I am stabbed!
(VECTOR PARFAIT pulls out the spear and lurches offstage.)
TORNELLA GODSPAWN
Quad Angelico has stabbed a Royal Messenger of the Empress of the Shundula Galaxy! He must die!
WARRIORS
He must die!
QUAD ANGELICO
You’ll have to catch me first!
(QUAD ANGELICO runs away.)
TORNELLA GODSPAWN
After him!
(Everyone chases after QUAD ANGELICO, except TIKKI WAKKIT, who runs first one way, then the other, then stands perplexed, then makes up his mind and runs off in the opposite direction to the others.)
Aliens in Love by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 8:
SETTING: The Vestibule.
(PRESIDENT SPANGLEBANNER enters with STAR, his wife.)
PRESIDENT SPANGLEBANGER
I feel sure we will be rescued soon, Star. After all, the people of Earth cannot survive without me. I am the President of the United States, the Most Powerful Man Alive.
STAR SPANGLEBANGER
Yes dear. How’s your constipation today?
PRESIDENT SPANGLEBANGER
Bad. It’s this damned Tantrum food I’m forced to eat. I’m plugged up like a freeway tunnel at rush hour.
STAR SPANGLEBANGER
That’s a shame, dear. I wish I could help, but I’m just such a fraidy-cat when it comes to constipation.
(JINGLE RAWSHOK runs in, pursued by DR. HEARTBURN, who has her massive hypodermic needle and an axe.)
JINGLE RAWSHOK
Get away from me, Dr. Heartburn, or I’ll turn into a volcano and have an eruption!
DOCTOR HEARTBURN
Now, now, Jingle, you know you can’t shapeshift. You are just an insane little girl who needs to be heavily medicated in order to have a little surgical procedure.
PRESIDENT SPANGLEBANGER
Good god, Dr. Heartburn, can’t you leave the kid alone for a second?
DOCTOR HEARTBURN
I am a Canadian pyschiatrist and she is my Canadian patient, President Spanglebanner. We do not fall within your jurisdiction, so shut up or I’ll bash your head with this axe!
STAR SPANGLEBANGER
Don’t provoke her, dear!
JINGLE RAWSHOK
She wants to chop off my head and steal Randolph, the little man who makes my hair grow!
DOCTOR HEARTBURN
Randolph is a hallucination, Jingle, but your brain is real, very real, and very, very fascinating!
PRESIDENT SPANGLEBANGER
Dr. Heartburn, I’m constipated and I have a headache. Can’t you just leave the child alone for a second so we can all relax, dammit?
(Recommended melody for “Plugged Up“)
(PRESIDENT SPANGLEBANNER sings:)
I’m plugged up and my head pounds
And you’re raising quite a ruckus with that axe.
You better sit down and shut up
And listen while I make you face the facts.
You’re neurotic and despotic
And overly obsessed about that kid.
You better calm down and back off
Before you flip your psychiatric lid.
Oh, how my plugged up belly churns!
Oh, how my noggin throbs and burns!
It’s clear you all resent
The fact that I’m the president,
A job I campaigned hard for and I earned!
(STAR SPANGLEBANNER sings:)
My, that was quite an outburst!
Perhaps it’s time that Daddy had a nap.
You better come here for a cuddle
And snuggle up on Mommy’s comfy lap.
(JINGLE sings:)
Yes, go and have a cuddle!
Enjoy the very last thing that you’ll do.
That doctor’s gonna chop my head off
Then split your presidential brain in two.
(DOCTOR HEARTBURN sings:)
Oh, how I long to use my axe!
Oh, how I long to hack and whack!
Don’t you know I’m trained
To examine all your brains?
And when I’m done you all can have them back.
(BUCK, STAR, JINGLE, DR. HEARTBURN sing:)
Oh, how I wish I was at home!
Oh, how I feel so all alone!
This awful planet sucks!
It’s been nothing but bad luck!
There’s nothing left to do but cry and moan.
Oh, how I feel so all alone!
(MABEL BISQUIK and GERTRUDE KIPPER enter.)
MABEL BISQUIK
There they are, Gerty…same old gang, bickering as usual. ‘Ow bloody boring.
GERTRUDE KIPPER
It’s loik being stuck in the middle of a bleeding soap opera on the telly. Oi think maybe we’ve died and gone to ’ell, Mabel!
PRESIDENT SPANGLEBANGER
Wrong! You English housewives have been sent from hell to torment me! You’re driving me crazy with your whacky accents and your “bloody” this and “bleeding” that! If everything was so damn bloody, we’d have all bled to death by now!
STAR SPANGLEBANGER
Please dear…your bloodpressure!
MABEL BISQUIK
Well, ‘ow do you loik that, Gerty? He says we’ve been sent from ‘ell. Little fella’s gone and got hisself all upset.
GERTRUDE KIPPER
Come on, Mabel, let’s teach ‘im a bloody lesson in politeness…
DOCTOR HEARTBURN
Let me assist you ladies. I’ll use my axe to administer a few well-chosen whacks!
JINGLE RAWSHOK
Kill the little leprechaun! Kill him! Kill him!
(They circle around PRESIDENT SPANGLEBANNER, while STAR tries to protect him. FROST U and
PUFF LADDY enter and rap, distracting everyone, as MABEL and GERTY make onomatopoeiac rhythm sounds.)
(FROST U raps as PUFF LADY makes rhythic percussive sounds:)
He’s a big bad dude in the United States
But here he’s nothing but a skinny little snake;
Back home he’s the boss, now hear what I say;
Here he’s nothing, yo, yo, yo, yay.
Gonna whack him with an axe upside his head;
Gonna whack him with an axe until he’s dead.
Who’s the man? I’m the man! Who’s the man? I’m the man!
Yo, yo, yo, yay, better hear what I say:
You’re leaning on my joy, Mr. President
So I say to you your space is for rent.
Got a Whitehouse and a limousine
And a fine lookin’ woman gonna be my queen!
(He and PUFF LADDY busts some moves in front of STAR, who is impressed. Then the crew from the starship Cantwin burst in with large squirtguns full of bug repellent and insecticide. BROCK THRUSTERgrabs DOCTOR HEARTBURN, who is about to whack the PRESIDENT with her axe. COLONEL
BEATNIK takes her axe from her.)
PRESIDENT SPANGLEBANGER
The rescue squad! Thank god you’ve arrived!
WING COMMANDER PHILLIP CHUTNEY
Wing Commander Chutney, RAF, at your service, sir. Seems we arrived not a moment too soon.
SQUADRON LEADER MILLICENT CHUTNEY
Though we thought we’d be fighting insects, not axe-weilding humans.
DOCTOR HEARTBURN
Let go of me, you sweaty, stinky rocket jockey!
CAPTAIN BROCK THRUSTER
Now hold on, little lady. Old Uncle Brock won’t gonna let go until you simmer down and show a little common respect!
(DOCTOR HEARTBURN stops struggling and CAPTAIN THRUSTER releases her. She sulks.)
JINGLE RAWSHOK
You’ll never take me alive!
(JINGLE rushes at MAJOR PARK, who releases a blast of insect repellent in her face. She goes down hard.)
DOCTOR HEARTBURN
Miss Rawshok!
(rushing to her side)
You monsters, you’ve disturbed her delicate and wonderful brain! How could you be so callous?
(DOCTOR HEARTBORN sobs over the fallen JINGLE.)
MABEL BISQUIK
Barmy. Completely bloody barmy, the ‘ole bleedin’ lot of ‘em!
GERTRUDE KIPPER
Give me a pint of beer with me old Jack in the Fish and Finger any day!
MABEL BISQUIK
Yayse…
(The HOSTAGES all begin to blubber like babies from the strain.)
OBERHAUPTMAN FRITZI MüLLER
Zuh hostages are in rough shape, Ving Commander Chutney. Zuh strain hass been too much for zem. Look, zay are blubbering like babies! Such veakness is disgusting!
COLONEL SVETLANA BEATNIK
Do you undertand nothing, Oberhauptman Müller? They cry, yes, but why? Because they are full of joy to be alive!
(FRITZI slaps SVETLANA.)
OBERHAUPTMAN FRITZI MüLLER
Russian sentimentalist!
(SVETLANA slaps FRITZI.)
COLONEL SVETLANA BEATNIK
German realist!
(Recommended melody for “Our Own Land Is Best!“)
(FRITZI sings:)
Ja! Ja! I’m a realist!
A fact of vich I’m proud!
Ve Germans want efficiency;
No nonsense is allowed.
(SVETLANA BEATNIK sings:)
Da! Da! I’m sentimental!
I have a bleeding soul!
We Russians know the world’s a wound,
An endless bleeding hole!
(MABEL ,GERTRUDE, PHILIP and MILLICENT sing:)
Aye! We’re English
Britannia rules the waves!
We English are a plucky lot;
We’ll make you behave!
(DR. HEARTBURN and JINGLE sing:)
Hey, hey! They say Canadians;
Are nice, polite, and shy;
But don’t you mess with Canada!
We’ll kill you if you try!
(BROCK THRUSTER, PRESIDENT SPANGLEBANNER, and STAR sing:)
Well say, we’re from America;
We’ve got a funky flag;
And when you others brag
It makes us want to gag.
(ALL sing:)
Everyone’s from somewhere
North, south, east, or the west.
But in the end we all believe
Our own land’s the best.
The best!
The best!
STAR SPANGLEBANNER
A Buck, isn’t that just the most truthful and beautiful thing you’ve ever heard?
PRESIDENT SPANGLEBANGER
Enough! Just get me out of here!
WING COMMANDER PHILLIP CHUTNEY
Sorry, Mr. President…our ship crashed and is completely destroyed. Bit of bad luck, really.
SQUADRON LEADER MILLICENT CHUTNEY
Nothing we could do, Mr. President. The old girl smacked into the face of the planet and we were all terribly maimed. Phillip was so mangled he was completely unrecognizable.
CAPTAIN BROCK THRUSTER
But this dude from space healed us, and so here we are, Mr. President, armed and ready but with no rocket to jockey us all back home.
(FROST U raps while PUFF LADDY does vocal rythmic percussive sounds:)
The man come to get us and save our ass.
But he crashed the rocket in the Tantrum grass;
That busted up rocket ain’t ever gonna fly!
Gonna stay right here til the day we die.
Yo yo yo yay now here what I say:
Gonna stay right here til our dying day.
(They ALL break down in despair. At this moment, QUADANGELICO runs in, pursued by TORNELLA GODSPAWN and the warriors, except TIKKI WAKKIT.)
QUAD ANGELICO
Ahhhhhh! Save me, Earthlings!
(There is a battle, but the WARRIORS are slaughtered by the EARTHLINGS with the squirt guns, and TORNELLA GODSPAWN is arrested by BROCK THRUSTER.)
CAPTAIN BROCK THRUSTER
Easy, little insect lady. I don’t wanta hurcha.
TORNELLA GODSPAWN
Let go of me, you vile Earthling! I am the High Priestess of Tantrum!
OBERHAUPTMAN FRITZI MüLLER
Ve don’t care vat you are, insect voman. Ve vill kill you mitt der insect spray iff you viggle even a little bit!
(TORNELLA becomes still. VANDROS LEGULA enters.)
VANDROS LEGULA
Earthlings! I am Vandros Legula, the Glorious Leader of Tantrum! Give up! You are surrounded. Resistance is futile!
MABEL BISQUIK
Right! Come on, Gerty, let’s show this bloody insect wot ‘appens to pesky littul bugs back ‘ome!
GERTRUDE KIPPER
You’re on, Mabel!
(MABEL and GERTRUDE produce fly swatters and try unsuccessfully to swat VANDROS LEGULA, who appears bored by their efforts.)
WING COMMANDER PHILLIP CHUTNEY
I say, ladies, I think perhaps you underestimate the strength of the head insect!
MABEL BISQUIK
Lord, listen to ‘im, talking all hoity toity like a bleedin’ aristocrat.
SQUADRON LEADER MILLICENT CHUTNEY
You two common scrags will ruin everything!
GERTY KIPPER
“Scrags” is it? “Scrags”! We’ll give you “scrags”, you snotty mucky-muck!
(GERTY and MABEL launch themselves at MILLICENT CHUTNEY, who sprays them. They reel offstage muttering “bloody ‘ell”, and “moi bleedin’ ‘ead…oi’m all dizzy” etc.)
MAJOR JIN-YONG PARK
You are all insane!
(MAJOR PARK sprays himself in the head and collapses. This provokes a general frenzy, in which everyone starts rushing about. There is much spraying, and soon everyone is dead. TIKKI WAKKIT enters. He looks around.)
(Recommended melody for “Dum Dee Dum Dum“)
(TIKKI WAKKIT sings:)
Everyone’s all
In a heap, yeah.
Looks like they’ve all
Fallen asleep, yeah.
I’m awake, though,
Like a snake, though,
They’re asleep
Like euthanized sheep.
Dum-dee dum dum,
Dum-dee-dum-dum,
Maybe I’ll just
Sit on my bum-bum.
Why do that, though?
I’ll get bored, yo,
‘Cause my brain is
So very dumb.
(Picks up a squirtgun)
Boy-oh-boy, a
Funny toy, yeah,
So delightful, chunky, and clean, yeah!
It’s so new, too…
What’s it doo-doo?
Maybe I should
Try it and see.
Dum-dee-dum-dum,
Dum-dee-dum-dum,
So delightful, chunky, and fun, yeah!
It’s my new toy!
Boy-oh-boy-boy!
I just want to
Play with its knobs.
Boy-oh-boy, a
Funny toy, yeah,
Maybe I should
Squeeze this thing here.
(Discovers that it sprays. Giggles. Sprays again, giggles, then sprays himself in the face and dies.
GENERAL HOMER GOMER and MAJOR GONFER GOOD enter.)
MAJOR GOOD
My god, General Gomer, we’re too late!
GENERAL HOMER GOMER
Fritzi! No!
(rushing to her inert body)
The female version of myself, dead!
MAJOR GOOD
(going to COLONEL BEATNIK)
This must be the Russian colonel you mentioned, General Gomer. Such a shame. I have fallen in love with her at first sight, but she’s dead.
(Reprise of “Female Version of Myself“)
(GENERAL GOMER sings:)
They’re both gone now, Major Good,
Both those gals who’d give us their hearts.
(GENERAL GOMER and MAJOR GOOD sing:)
They were us and we were them
Except for our private parts.
(MAJOR GOOD sings:)
This is awful, General Gomer,
And my feet still stink like old cheese.
I’ve still got boils and festering sores,
And pains in both of my knees.
(GENERAL GOMER sings:)
Stop your wailing, Major Good;
Be a man and try to survive!,
‘Cause the female version of yourself
Needs you to avenge her demise!
(MAJOR GOOD sings:)
Please forgive me, General Gomer.
I remember that I’m a marine.
(MAJOR GOOD and GENERAL GOMER sing:)
We’ll kill the scum who made them dead
And honour the gals of our dreams.
We’ll kill the scum who made them dead
And honour the gals we love!
Aliens in Love by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 9:
(There is eerie music. MAGNIFICA RAPTURA and FERGUS MONK emanate onto the stage. GENERAL GOMER and MAJOR GOOD stare in amazement.)
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
Fergus, Fergus Monk! I am dizzy! Help me, Fergus!
FERGUS MONK
(supporting her to keep her from fainting.)
I am here, mighty Empress!
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
Thank you. I was briefly weakened by the heavy demands placed on my cosmic energy. I had a brown-out, but I’m fine now.
(Pushing FERGUS away, MAGNIFICA speaks to GENERAL GOMER and MAJOR GOOD.)
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
I am Magnifica Raptura, Empress of the Shundula Galaxy!
GENERAL GOMER
I don’t care who you are, you treacherous alien scum!
MAJOR GOOD
You killed the female versions of ourselves!
GENERAL GOMER
Now it’s your turn to die!
(GENERAL GOMER and MAJOR GOOD grab squirt guns and try to kill her, but nothing happens. The squirt guns suddenly fly out of their hands.)
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
Your puny weapons cannot harm me, you fools!
(MAGNIFICA raises her hands in the air. GOMER and GOOD start dancing about in the Irish style, arms
by their sides, clearly out of control.)
GENERAL GOMER
My god, Major Good, we’re dancing in the Irish style!
MAJOR GOOD
The shame! The horror!
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
I love to see men dancing! Why is it you cannot dance, Fergus?
FERGUS MONK
I have two left feet, my Empress.
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
Oh yes, I had forgotten. My brown-out. You understand.
(MAGNIFICA lowers her arms and GOMER and GOOD collapse, seemingly dead.)
FERGUS MONK
That was impressive, my Empress.
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
That? That was nothing. Let me remind you who I am, Fergus:
(Recommended melody for “I Am Magnifica Raptura“)
(MAGNIFICA sings:)
I am Magnifica Raptura,
Empress of the Shundula Galaxy,
All-powerful and omnipotent,
There’s no one quite as wonderful as me!
(FERGUS MONK sings:)
Then why don’t you try to fix my feet?
MAGNIFICA
You fool! I’m not a common surgeon.
Out to emulate Dr. Frankenstein!
I save myself for much bigger things!
And soon you’ll see just what I have in mind!
What I have in mind!
(VECTOR PARFAIT hurries in, and notes the carnage.)
VECTOR PARFAIT
I failed, Empress! It is all my fault!
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
Nonsense, Vector Parfait. You did your best, but this requires devine intervention. I will have to take over. Warriors, arise!
(MAGNIFICA exerts huge energy, and the TANTRUM WARRIORS revive from the dead and stagger into standing
positions, except TIKKI WIKKIT.)
(Recommended melody for “We Shall Not End” – Part One)
(WARRIORS sing:)
We have arisen from the dead!
Alive again! Alive again!
Almighty Empress Magnifica,
Fair ruler of our galaxy,
Thanks to you we shall not end.
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
Kluktuk Goobog! Pick a male!
KLUKTUK GOOBOK
As you wish, Almighty Empress. Hmmmm. Let’s see.
(goes to Brock Thruster)
I want this one!
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
He is yours!
(MAGNIFICA claps her hands and BROCK THRUSTER recovers, and sees KLUKTUK.)
CAPTAIN BROCK THRUSTER
Say, you’re as cute as a bug! You want to check out Bucky-boy’s main thrusters?
KLUKTUK GOOBOG
Only if you let me sink my mandibles into your neck, Earthman!
(Recommended melody for “We Shall Not End” – Part 2)
(BROCK THRUSTER and KLUKTUK GOOBOG sing:)
Suddenly we’ve found love!
How very strange! How very fine!
(MAGNIFICA sings:)
You’ll be together ‘til the end
(BROCK and KLUKTUK sing:)
For I am yours and you are mine.
(WARRIORS sing:)
They’ll be together ‘til the end
How very strange! How very fine!
Kluktuk, take your brave young Earthling,
And let him snuggle in your nest!
You are his and he is thine!
(BROCK and KLUKTUG hug and stand aside.)
GUBBO TIMBUK
(goes to VECTOR PARFAIT)
I want this one! Can I have him, Almighty Empress?
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
Done!
(MAGNIFICA claps her hands, and VECTOR PARFAIT recovers and the two embrace as GUBBO gurgles with ecstasy.)
(Recommended melody for “We Shall Not End” – Part 3)
(VECTOR PARFAIT sings:)
I am forgiven for my sins!
Alive again and free at last!
(GUBBO TIMBUK sings:)
Fair Empress, shall he be my husband?
(MAGNIFICA sings:)
No longer is he chained to me.
(VECTOR PARFAIT sings:)
My lovely bug, my love is vast!
(ALL the OTHERS sing:)
No longer is he chained to thee,
Oh, lovely bug, his love is vast!
MARGUT FUNPOT
(goes to FROST U)
This is the yummy one for me, me, me!
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
Certainly! A most appropriate choice!
(MAGNIFICA claps her hands. FROST U recovers, sees MARGUT, and is enraptured.)
(FROST U raps:)
Hey little bug, what do you desire?
Let the Frost Man light your tail on fire!
MARGUT FUNPOT
I don’t want nothin’ but a whole lotta love;
You’re my earthman lover from heaven above!
(MARGUT and FROST U embrace.)
MARGUT FUNPOT
Can your little earth buddy come and live with us?
(PUFF LADDY jumps up.)
(FROST U raps as PUFF LADDY makes vocal percussive sounds:)
I don’t do nothing ‘less my boy comes too
Puff Laddy, my man, we’ll take care of you!
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
Puff Laddy, join your Daddy!
(PUFF LADDY joins them in a happy group.)
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
Quad Angelico!
(MAGNIFICA claps her hands and QUAD ANGELICO gets up.)
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
Now you, Quad Angelico, select a female!
(QUAD ANGELICO goes to TORNELLA GODSPAWN. She rises and they hold hands.)
QUAD ANGELICO
You are my dream of insect intimacy come true, Tornella Godspawn, even though you tried to kill me!
TORNELLA GODSPAWN
I wanted that messenger, but he’s taken, so I’ll have to take you instead.
(QUAD ANGELICO pouts.)
TORNELLA GODSPAQN
Don’t pout, Quad Angelico, you’re getting what you want. Come here, insect man, let me check out your exoskeleton!
QUAD ANGELICO
(slightly embarrassed but grateful)
Easy, Tornella, lots of time for that later in the privacy of your nest!
(Recommended melody for “We Shall Not End” – Part 4)
(QUAD ANGELICO sings:)
I never thought that you’d want me,
But now you do! Now you do!
(TORNELLA GODSPAWN sings:)
I tried my very best to kill you
But now I long for you to live!
(MAGNIFICA sings:)
Now please take his heart so true.
(ALL the OTHERS sing:)
Now she longs for you to live,
Give to her your heart so true.
They’ll be together ‘til the end
How very strange! Alive again!
Almighty Empress Magnifica,
Fair ruler of our galaxy,
Thanks to you we shall not end.
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
Dr. Aorta Heartburn and Jingle Rawshok, arise!
(MAGNIFICA claps her hands and DOCTOR HEARTBURN and JINGLE rise. DR. HEARTBURN goes to MAJOR PARK, and
JINGLE goes to FERGUS MONK. MAGNIFICA claps her hands again, and MAJOR PARK gets up.)
DOCTOR HEARTBURN
Hey there, robot man! Care to let a Canadian psychiatrist adjust your electrodes?
MAJOR JIN-YONG PARK
I cannot give you babies.
DOCTOR HEARTBURN
Who needs them! We’ll make little robots using Jingle’s brain as the prototype!
MAJOR JIN-YONG PARK
My love! I am happy at last!
(DOCTOR HEARTBURN and JIN-YONG stand aside.)
JINGLE RAWSHOK
Randolph! You’re full size! And now you’re not in my head anymore, you can be my boyfriend instead of the thing that makes my hair grow!
FERGUS MONK
Yes, I am “Randolph”. The Empress assigned me to enter your brain to take care of you. But a beautiful young woman like you is so much more than just a whacky brain in which I had to spend so many painful and traumatic months!
JINGLE RAWSHOK
Oh, Randolph!
(They embrace.)
(Recommended melody for “Pleasant Suprises” -Part 1)
(RAWSHOK, PARK, FERGUS and JINGLE sing:)
Robots and Randolph and
Babies and Love,
Wonderful pleasures
Descend from above!
(ALL sing:)
Pleasant surprises
And sudden good news
Will scrub us with sunshine
And wash off our blues.
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
Vandros Legula! Arise!
(MAGNIFICA claps her hands. VANDROS goes to TIKKI WAKKIT.)
VANDROS LEGULA
Suddenly everything is perfectly clear! This one is the one!
(MAGNIFICA claps her hands and TIKKI WAKKIT arises, looking baffled.)
TIKKI WAKKIT
I dreamed I was on a planet run by insects and that I was an incompetent warrior and I killed myself twice by accident!
VANDROS LEGULA
That was no dream, little fella! And now, to show everyone on Tantrum the depth of my compassion, I’m going to make you into the King of All the Insects!
TIKKI WAKKIT
Does this mean you and I are going to make little insects together?
VANDROS LEGULA
If the Great Insect in the Sky is willing!
TIKKI WAKKIT
Wheeeeeeee! Thank you, Great Insect in the Sky!
(Recommended melody for “Pleasant Surprises” – Part 2)
(VANDROS and TIKKI WAKKIT sing:)
First we were dead
And now we’re alive!
Reincarnation
Will help us both thrive!
(ALL sing:)
When star-crossed lovers
Are brought back to life
They long for a future
As husband and wife.
(TIKKI WAKKIT and VANDROS hold hands and stand aside.)
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
Some here were already couples before the Terrible Death by Insect Spray. Arise, and treat each other well!
(The CHUTNEYS and the SPANGLEBANNERS arise and go to each other.)
PRESIDENT SPANGLEBANGER
Star, I’m quitting my job as president, and if we ever get off this damn planet, I’m taking you up to a little cabin in the Canadian Rockies, where we can live on fish, moose meat, and berries and learn to love nature!
STAR SPANGLEBANGER
Oh Buck! You may be tiny, but you’re forceful and resourceful, and ever so good at conjuring up compelling fantasies!
PRESIDENT SPANGLEBANGER
Now that’s what I like to hear, honeybunch!
(The PRESIDENT and STAR embrace.)
SQUADRON LEADER MILLICENT CHUTNEY
Phillip, I had almost forgotten what a handsome chap you are! That rugged chin, those piercing blue eyes, your rugged, rippling muscles and firm, bulging…forehead. Hh, Phillip, Phillip, my dearest…
WING COMMANDER PHILLIP CHUTNEY
Now, now, Millicent, not in front of everyone! I say, dear Millicent, how voluptuous you look in that uniform. Curves in all the right places, hmmmm? You’re quite a dish, my dear, one worth warming up on a daily basis!!
(PHILLIP and MILLICENT snuggle.)
(Recommended melody for “Pleasant Surprises” – Part 3)
(PRESIDENT, STAR, MILLICENT, and PHILLIP sing:)
Now we’re remembering
Just the right stuff,
Like why we’re in love
And why love is enough.
(ALL sing:)
The simplest things
Are the hardest to see;
But now I see you
And now you see me.
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
And now to bring together the couples who are male and female versions of themselves!
(MAGNIFICA claps her hands, and GENERAL GOMER, MAJOR GOOD, OBERHAUPTMAN MüLLER, and COLONEL BEATNIK arise. GOMER goes to MüLLER and GOOD goes to BEATNIK.)
MAJOR GOOD
Colonel, forgive me, but I see that you are the female version of myself, and, thank god, you’re not my sister who lives in a heavily-mortgaged leaky condo in Vancouver!
COLONEL SVETLANA BEATNIK
I see that you are male version of me, and not my brother Ivan Petrovich who languishes in a secret prison in Russia!
MAJOR GOOD
We are meant to journey through space and time together, my love!
COLONEL SVETLANA BEATNIK
Da, but it will not be easy. You are the male version of me, Major, but there are things about me that are far from perfect. Do you see my point?
MAJOR GOOD
(looks hard at her, puzzled)
No!
COLONEL SVETLANA BEATNIK
Exactly!
OBERHAUPTMAN FRITZI MüLLER
General Gomer, iss it possible zat at last I haff found an officer und a gentleman zat vill allow me to touch his shoulder mitt mein icy fingers?
GENERAL HOMER GOMER
You said it, Fritzi! This is one old marine who appreciates the icy cold touch of a fellow officer of the female persuasion! Go ahead, reach out and touch someone!
(FRITZI does so.)
OBERHAUPTMAN FRITZI MüLLER
You…you do not shrink from me mitt fear und disgust! I haff found ze male version off myself! Mein gott! Happiness at last!
(Recommended melody for “Pleasant Surprises” – Part 4)
(GOOD, BEATNIK, FRITZI and GOMER sing:)
If you are so like me
And I am like you
Your bad is my bad
And your good is mine too.
(ALL sing:)
It may seem naïve
And it may seem old-fashioned
But love needs the blessing
Of patient compassion.
(GOOD and BEATNIK hold hands and GOMER and MüLLER hold hands and stand aside.)
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
So you see, the suffering and horror you all went through led you to only one thing: love! And I, Magnifica Raptura, want you to go forth and build new worlds, insects and humans together!
ALL
Insects and humans, together forever!
(Exit by all except MAGNIFICA.)
MAGNIFICA RAPTURA
There is still one soul floating about in space unattached. Too bad!
(MAGNIFICA exits as HIKPUK GOK enters and sits despondently.)
HIKPUK GOK
I wonder if it’s safe to go home yet? Naahhhhh!
(The CAST enters.)
(Recommended melody for “Aliens in Love“)
(ALL sing as they perform their curtain call: )
Aliens in love, yes,
Aliens in love;
Throughout the endless universe
Aliens in love.
Aliens in love;
Aliens in love;
Hey, true love-bugs, you deserve
Aliens in love.
Far across the cosmos,
On every galaxy,
There’s a love-bug waiting to
Jump on you and me.
And when you feel that love bug
Start nibbling on your brain,
You’ll find yourself in love with
Someone who is just the same.
Aliens in love; oh, yes
Aliens in love;
Throughout the endless universe
Aliens in love.
Aliens in love;
Aliens in love;
Hey, true love-bugs, you deserve, yes,
Aliens in love.
Aliens in love;
Aliens in love;
Through the endless universe, yes,
Aliens in love.
Aliens in love;
Aliens in love;
Through the endless universe
Aliens in love.
Aliens in love;
Aliens in love;
Through the endless universe, yes,
Aliens in love.
END OF THE PLAY.