Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2005
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 55 minutes
• style: domestic satire
• suitable for general audiences
• 25 characters (14 female, 11 male)
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Crabby Old Man” is the story of the last day of Chuck Mudrack’s life. He must endure the persistent bickering of his family and the aches and pains of his declining health, but he puts up a spirited resistance to these relentless assaults on his human dignity.
(This play was first performed on September 28, 29, & 30 and October 3 & 4, in the year 2005, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
∗Published Online by Good School Plays, March 29, 2016.
Go to:
Act One, Scene 1
Act One, Scene 2
Act One, Scene 3
Act One, Scene 4
Act One, Scene 5
Act One, Scene 6
Act One, Scene 7
Act One, Scene 8
Act One, Scene 9
Act Two, Scene 1
Act Two, Scene 2
Act Two, Scene 3
Act Two, Scene 4
CHARACTERS:
Chuck Mudrack, 86
Tessie Mudrack, 53, Chuck’s daughter.
Darnelle Mudrack, 27, Tessie’s daughter
Vince Spirelli, 37, Darnelle’s boyfriend
Vern Mudrack, 58, Chuck’s son
Della Mudrack, 57, Vern’s wife
Bernie Mudrack, 35, Vern and Della’s son, Chuck’s grandson
Bee Mudrack, 33, Bernie’s wife
Tia Mudrack, 12, Bernie and Bee’s daughter
Trick Venzetti, 34, Vern’s neighbour
Zelda Venzetti, 30, Trick’s wife
Geena Bock, 37, Vern and Della’s daughter, Chuck’s granddaughter
Roger Bock, 40, Geena’s husband.
Millie Bock, 15, Geena and Roger’s daughter, Chuck’s great-granddaughter
Billy Phantom, 16, Millie Bock’s boyfriend
Sheila Ruckus, 29, Chuck’s home care nurse
Georgette Bunter, 35, Chuck’s counsellor
Pinky Bluesky, 7 or something
Donny Wankel, 41, Chuck’s next-door neighbour
Wanda Wankel, 38, Donny’s wife
Donnette Wankel, 15, Donny and Wanda’s daughter
Phil Poot, 17, Donette Wankel’s boyfriend
Goose Vauxhall, 35, petty criminal
Jumpy Todd, 33, Goose’s partner
Mrs. Fergie Arafat, 46, Chuck’s housekeeper
Crabby Old Man by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 1:
(CHUCK MUDRACK is on his bed eating his porridge. MRS. FERGIE ARAFAT supervises.)
CHUCK MUDRACK
What is this nasty mess, Mrs. Arafat?
FERGIE ARAFAT
It’s your morning porridge, Mr. Mudrack.
CHUCK MUDRACK
It tastes like dog crap.
FERGIE ARAFAT
Oh now, Mr. Mudrack, it’s the same porridge you eat every day.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Eh?
FERGIE ARAFAT
It’s the same as yesterday.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Yesterday? I don’t give a damn about yesterday.
FERGIE ARAFAT
Just try to eat a few more spoonfuls.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Don’t tell me what to do with my porridge.
FERGIE ARAFAT
Are you going to eat any more or not?
CHUCK MUDRACK
Speak up.
FERGIE ARAFAT
Another spoonful, Mr. Mudrack!
CHUCK MUDRACK
You got nothing better to do, Mrs. Arafat?
FERGIE ARAFAT
Your son Vern asked me to make sure you get a good breakfast.
CHUCK MUDRACK
You’re the housekeeper, right?
FERGIE ARAFAT
Yes. I’m the housekeeper. I’ve been the housekeeper for five years.
CHUCK MUDRACK
So start keeping house, instead of feeding me dog crap!
(Vern Mudrack enters)
VERN MUDRACK
How’s Dad this morning, Mrs. Arafat?
CHUCK MUDRACK
I’m right here, you dumb punk!
FERGIE ARAFAT
He won’t eat his porridge.
VERN MUDRACK
Did you add the laxative?
FERGIE ARAFAT
Of course, just like you asked.
VERN MUDRACK
You’ve got to eat your porridge, Dad, or you’ll get all bunged up again!
CHUCK MUDRACK
Eh?
VERN MUDRACK
All bunged up again! Constipated!
FERGIE ARAFAT
It’s best not to tell him about the laxative, Mr. Mudrack.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Laxative! So that’s why this porridge tastes like crap!
(Della Mudrack enters)
DELLA MUDRACK
Vern, we’re going to be late for church.
VERN MUDRACK
Dad won’t eat his porridge.
DELLA MUDRACK
You’ve got to stop obsessing over his digestive system, Vern.
VERN MUDRACK
I just want him to be comfortable.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Putting laxatives in my porridge! You nasty little weasel!
FERGIE ARAFAT
He didn’t sleep well.
DELLA MUDRACK
Dad, eat your breakfast. It’s good for you.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Says who?
DELLA MUDRACK
(to CHUCK)
Look, maybe you’d like to skip breakfast.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Don’t play games with me.
DELLA MUDRACK
I’m not playing games. I’m making a deal.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Deal?
DELLA MUDRACK
You can skip breakfast if you come to church with us.
FERGIE ARAFAT
His home care nurse isn’t here to dress him.
VERN MUDRACK
I don’t think it’s a good idea to get him into a church full of believers.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Sure I’ll go to church! I’ll teach those god-worshipping morons a thing or two.
VERN MUDRACK
Nice work, Della.
DELLA MUDRACK
He needs a little spiritual help, Vern, that’s all.
FERGIE ARAFAT
Should I try the cream-of-wheat?
VERN MUDRACK
He’s hated church ever since Mom died.
DELLA MUDRACK
That’s just misplaced aggression.
CHUCK MUDRACK
(attempting to rise)
I’ll show you aggression!
FERGIE ARAFAT
Don’t try to stand, Mr. Mudrack!
(FERGIE tries to restrain CHUCK, who isn’t strong enough to get up, but keeps trying anyway. VERN and DELLA, unaware of this, continue arguing.)
VERN MUDRACK
His spirtual needs are none of our business.
FERGIE ARAFAT
Mr. Mudrack! Please try to relax! Here, let me take your porridge.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Yes, take the damn stuff! Feed it to my idiot son and his wife so they can crap their stupid brains out!
DELLA MUDRACK
(to VERN)
He’s got a lot of misplaced aggression. He needs spiritual consolation.
VERN MUDRACK
All he needs is a good dump once a day!
FERGIE ARAFAT
(finally getting CHUCK to settle back)
Take it easy, Mr. Mudrack. You’ll wear yourself out!
DELLA MUDRACK
Pastor Tompkins is wonderful with old people.
VERN MUDRACK
He’s not going to church and that’s that.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Those preachers get you hooked on Jesus, then steal your money!
DELLA MUDRACK
Now, Pop, you know Pastor Tompkins took a vow of poverty.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Don’t call me “Pop”. I’m not a soft drink!
VERN MUDRACK
Mrs. Arafat, be sure to wash his bed sheets.
CHUCK MUDRACK
These bed sheets are as clean as an angel’s tushy.
FERGIE ARAFAT
He says he hates sleeping on sheets that don’t smell like him.
DELLA MUDRACK
My goodness, it’s 9:05 already! Vern, are you coming or not? I won’t wait another second.
VERN MUDRACK
All right, all right. Talk about “misplaced aggression”. It’s not my fault the old badger won’t go to church with you!
DELLA MUDRACK
And it’s not my fault he won’t eat his laxative!
(DELLA and Vern exit.)
CHUCK MUDRACK
Always passing the buck. What a pair of twerps.
FERGIE ARAFAT
Nurse Ruckus will be here soon, Mr. Mudrack. Then you can have a nice, hot bath.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Maybe I don’t want a bath. Maybe I want to enjoy my own dirt for a change.
FERGIE ARAFAT
Always teasing. I’ve got to go to the Safeway for some bleach. You have a nice little nap until Nurse Ruckus gets here.
(FERGIE exits.)
End of Act One, Scene 1.
Crabby Old Man by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 2:
CHUCK MUDRACK
Being alone is best.
(Pinky Bluesky enters.)
PINKY BLUESKY
Hi, mister!
CHUCK MUDRACK
Who are you?
PINKY BLUESKY
Pinky. Pinky Bluesky.
CHUCK MUDRACK
How’d you get in here?
PINKY BLUESKY
Through the door.
CHUCK MUDRACK
What do you want?
PINKY BLUESKY
Nothin’.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Then run on home to mommy.
PINKY BLUESKY
Mommy?
CHUCK MUDRACK
You got a mommy, don’t you?
PINKY BLUESKY
Maybe. How about you?
CHUCK MUDRACK
How about me what?
PINKY BLUESKY
You got a mommy?
CHUCK MUDRACK
She’s long dead. I’m old, kid. Eighty-six years.
PINKY BLUESKY
Jeepers.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Yep. Old. Gonna be dead soon myself.
PINKY BLUESKY
You got that smell.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Smell?
PINKY BLUESKY
That smell like a dying thing.
CHUCK MUDRACK
What would you know about dying?
PINKY BLUESKY
When people die, it’s like a smell.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Oh?
PINKY BLUESKY
When someone makes a smell, it starts out strong then gets weaker ‘til its gone.
CHUCK MUDRACK
How’s that like dying?
PINKY BLUESKY
You start out strong, then you get weaker ‘til you’re gone.
CHUCK MUDRACK
What the hell kind of little kid are you?
PINKY BLUESKY
I don’t know.
CHUCK MUDRACK
My nurse is gonna be here pretty quick.
PINKY BLUESKY
Is she?
CHUCK MUDRACK
You better not let her catch you in here.
PINKY BLUESKY
She won’t.
(PINKY exits.)
End of Act One, Scene 2.
Crabby Old Man by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 3:
(SHEILA RUCKUS enters.)
NURSE RUCKUS
Good morning, Chuck.
CHUCK MUDRACK
I never said you could call me by my first name.
NURSE RUCKUS
I call all my clients by their first names, Chuck.
CHUCK MUDRACK
So I can call you Sheila?
NURSE RUCKUS
Nurse Ruckus, if you don’t mind. Blood pressure first?
CHUCK MUDRACK
Whatever.
NURSE RUCKUS
Pull your sleeve up. Good boy.
CHUCK MUDRACK
You like treating old people like babies?
NURSE RUCKUS
It’s just part of the life cycle, Chuck. 156 over 72. Not good.
CHUCK MUDRACK
I had a rough night.
NURSE RUCKUS
You been taking your blood pressure pills?
CHUCK MUDRACK
I take whatever that damned housekeeper gives me.
NURSE RUCKUS
You’re pale. You have night sweats again?
CHUCK MUDRACK
It’s the dreams. They’d make anyone sweat.
NURSE RUCKUS
Let me see that incision.
CHUCK MUDRACK
They cut me open like a hog.
NURSE RUCKUS
It’s healing nicely. They do wonders with heart surgery now.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Like a hog.
NURSE RUCKUS
Good. Ready for your bath?
CHUCK MUDRACK
I can bathe myself.
NURSE RUCKUS
You’re not strong enough. Let’s check the flex in your knees .
CHUCK MUDRACK
I don’t like the way you handle me.
NURSE RUCKUS
I get the job done, Chuck. That’s what counts.
CHUCK MUDRACK
You handle your boyfriend like a sack of potatoes?
NURSE RUCKUS
Don’t start with that, Chuck, or you’ll be dropped from the program.
CHUCK MUDRACK
If I was sixty years younger, you’d handle me different.
NURSE RUCKUS
I wouldn’t handle you at all. I work with the elderly.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Do you even have a boyfriend?
NURSE RUCKUS
I’m married. See the ring?
CHUCK MUDRACK
Take my advice. Don’t have babies.
NURSE RUCKUS
Why not?
CHUCK MUDRACK
They’ll break your heart.
NURSE RUCKUS
Let’s get you into that tub.
(helping him up)
Easy now, old-timer.
(They begin their exit.)
CHUCK MUDRACK
What do I smell like?
NURSE RUCKUS
Like a man who could use a bath.
(They complete their exit. PINKY BLUESKY enters and sits on CHUCK’S bed. She hums “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” for a while.)
End of Act One, Scene 3.
Crabby Old Man by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 4:
(GOOSE VAUXHALL and JUMPY TODD can be heard conversing offstage.)
JUMPY TODD
Looks like he’s the only one home right now.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
That’s good. Don’t want his nosy son poking into our business.
JUMPY TODD
Maybe he’s asleep.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
How hard can it be to wake a man up, Jumpy?
(PINKY exits and GOOSE and JUMPY enter. They have a lot of cocaine in a bag.)
JUMPY TODD
Jeeze, he’s not here.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
No kidding.
JUMPY TODD
What are we going to do?
GOOSE VAUXHALL
Put this cocaine in his closet, like he wants.
JUMPY TODD
What if the maid finds it?
GOOSE VAUXHALL
No one’s allowed in his closet. That’s what he said.
JUMPY TODD
I don’t get why an old man wants ten kilos of cocaine.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
It don’t matter what he wants it for, so long as we get paid.
JUMPY TODD
Goose, I don’t like it in here. I feel funny.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
What’s the matter, Jumpy, can’t handle being alone in an old man’s bedroom?
JUMPY TODD
I’m not alone. You’re here.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
Don’t get to thinking I’m your friend.
JUMPY TODD
Just partners, Goose, like you said.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
I don’t need no friends.
JUMPY TODD
I never said you did.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
How’d you like to shut the hell up.
JUMPY TODD
C’mon, Goose, I never done nothing.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
That’s right. You never done nothing. Don’t see why you should get fifty percent.
JUMPY TODD
I helped get the cocaine.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
What? Sitting in the van freaking out while I handle that hot shot dealer on my own?
JUMPY TODD
I was scared for you, Goose. That’s helping.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
How’d I get mixed up with you?
JUMPY TODD
We were cell mates in jail, remember?
GOOSE VAUXHALL
No kidding. Don’t you know a rhetorical question when you hear one?
JUMPY TODD
A what?
GOOSE VAUXHALL
Forget it. You go hide the cocaine in that walk-in closet over there, then come right back.
JUMPY TODD
You got it, Goose.
(GOOSE exits.)
GOOSE VAUXHALL
I wonder where the old man keeps his cash?
(NURSE RUCKUS enters.)
NURSE RUCKUS
Oh, can I help you?
GOOSE VAUXHALL
Um, I’m just here to pick something up.
NURSE RUCKUS
Mr. Mudrack’s in the tub at the moment.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
You his nurse?
NURSE RUCKUS
I’m Nurse Ruckus. And you’re….?
GOOSE VAUXHALL
Frank.
NURSE RUCKUS
Frank…?
GOOSE VAUXHALL
That’s right. Frank.
NURSE RUCKUS
Well, “Frank”, maybe I could get you what you’re looking for.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
I don’t think so.
(JUMPY TODD returns.)
JUMPY TODD
All done, Goose.
NURSE RUCKUS
“Goose”? And who’s this?
GOOSE VAUXHALL
I don’t know. Some guy.
JUMPY TODD
I’m Jumpy. Jumpy Todd.
NURSE RUCKUS
Jumpy. I’m Nurse Ruckus. Do you want something?
GOOSE VAUXHALL
He don’t want nothing. Lay off him, will you.
NURSE RUCKUS
I think you two better leave.
JUMPY TODD
But we need to see the old man.
NURSE RUCKUS
To pick something up?
GOOSE VAUXHALL
Yeah.
NURSE RUCKUS
Like what?
GOOSE VAUXHALL
Like something private.
NURSE RUCKUS
I think you better leave.
JUMPY TODD
We better leave, Goose.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
Quit calling me “Goose”. I’m “Frank”.
JUMPY TODD
Huh?
GOOSE VAUXHALL
“Frank”.
NURSE RUCKUS
He wants me to think his name is “Frank”.
JUMPY TODD
Why, Goose?
GOOSE VAUXHALL
We’re leaving now. But we’ll be back.
NURSE RUCKUS
I’ll tell Mr. Mudrack.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
No, don’t tell him nothing. He’s old. He don’t need no extra information.
JUMPY TODD
Can we go now? It’s weird here.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
Come on then.
(GOOSE and JUMPY exit.)
NURSE RUCKUS
Back to the bathroom I go. That old man’s not going to drown in the tub on my beat.
(NURSE RUCKUS exits. PINKY BLUESKY runs in, does a couple of twirls, and exits.)
End of Act One, Scene 4.
Crabby Old Man by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 5:
(TESSIE MUDRACK, DARNELLE MUDRACK, and VINCE SPIRELLI, enter with FERGIE ARAFAT.)
FERGIE ARAFAT
I guess he’s still in the tub with the nurse.
TESSIE MUDRACK
That’s all right, Mrs. Arafat. We’ll wait.
FERGIE ARAFAT
He’s kind of grumpy again today.
TESSIE MUDRACK
That’s all right.
FERGIE ARAFAT
He wouldn’t eat his porridge.
TESSIE MUDRACK
There’s more to life than porridge.
FERGIE ARAFAT
Well, I got lots of cleaning to do.
TESSIE MUDRACK
Uh huh.
FERGIE ARAFAT
Anything I can get you?
TESSIE MUDRACK
No, Mrs. Arafat. We’re fine.
FERGIE ARAFAT
All right, then.
(She exits.)
DARNELLE MUDRACK
This is silly, Mom.
TESSIE MUDRACK
Darnelle, after twenty-seven years you finally meet a man who wants to marry you. I wouldn’t call that “silly”.
DARNELLE MUDRACK
But I don’t see why I need Grandpa’s “blessing”.
TESSIE MUDRACK
Your grandpa’s the closest thing to a father you’ve got, Darnelle.
VINCE SPIRELLI
And it gives me a chance to meet him, Bunnychops.
DARNELLE MUDRACK
I suppose. But Grandpa’s kind of….irritable. He might make a scene.
VINCE SPIRELLI
Hey, let him make a scene. I’m used to it.
DARNELLE MUDRACK
You are?
VINCE SPIRELLI
You bet.
TESSIE MUDRACK
Police work must be fascinating, Vince.
VINCE SPIRELLI
Oh, it is, Mrs. M. Every day, I see stuff that would make you puke.
TESSIE MUDRACK
So you have something in common with Darnelle’s grandpa. He was a garbage man.
VINCE SPIRELLI
Nothing wrong with that.
DARNELLE MUDRACK
Mom, I feel like we’re putting Vince on the spot. Can’t we just forget it?
TESSIE MUDRACK
He’s got to meet Dad some day, Honey.
VINCE SPIRELLI
I’m looking forward to it.
(NURSE RUCKUS enters with CHUCK MUDRACK, moving him slowly to his bed.)
NURSE RUCKUS
Look, Chuck. Company.
CHUCK MUDRACK
What the hell do you want, Tessie?
TESSIE MUDRACK
You’re looking good, Dad. Sort of rosy.
CHUCK MUDRACK
This damned nurse scrubbed me raw.
NURSE RUCKUS
(sitting CHUCK down)
I like to get his blood circulating.
TESSIE MUDRACK
Dad, this is Vince. Vince Spirelli.
VINCE SPIRELLI
Hello, sir.
CHUCK MUDRACK
You a salesman? Whatever you’re selling, I don’t want it.
TESSIE MUDRACK
No, no, Dad. He’s Darnelle’s fiancé. They’re going to be married.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Eh?
DARNELLE MUDRACK
I’m going to marry Vince, Grandpa.
CHUCK MUDRACK
What the hell for?
TESSIE MUDRACK
(to VINCE)
Dad’s teasing, Vince. He’s always been a teaser.
(to CHUCK)
They’re in love, Dad. You know, like you and Mom way back in the old days.
VINCE SPIRELLI
I intend to make Darnelle the happiest girl in the neighbourhood.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Do you really love this clown, Darnelle?
DARNELLE MUDRACK
Yes, Grandpa. And he’s not a clown; he’s a policeman.
TESSIE MUDRACK
He’s on the drug squad.
NURSE RUCKUS
That must be dangerous work, Mr. Spirelli.
VINCE SPIRELLI
Oh, I don’t know. Most drug dealers are actually pretty nice guys.
TESSIE MUDRACK
How about that!
DARNELLE MUDRACK
Vince is already a detective, Grandpa, and he’s only thirty-seven!
CHUCK MUDRACK
Good at brown-nosing, eh, Vince?
TESSIE MUDRACK
Dad’s teasing again, Vince.
VINCE SPIRELLI
I have a knack for police work, Mr. Mudrack. I guess you could say it’s a gift.
DARNELLE MUDRACK
He owns his own house and everything.
VINCE SPIRELLI
Well, I still have a mortgage to pay off, but it’s a nice little shack in the burbs.
CHUCK MUDRACK
You grow marijuana there?
TESSIE MUDRACK
He’s one of the good guys, Dad.
NURSE RUCKUS
My neighbours were growing marijuana.
TESSIE MUDRACK
No!
NURSE RUCKUS
Oh, yes. When their house burned down, the whole neighbourhood got a little buzz from the smoke.
VINCE SPIRELLI
Well, I guess that’s the first time drug dealers have given something back to the community!
DARNELLE MUDRACK
Ha, ha! Grandpa, isn’t Vince funny?
CHUCK MUDRACK
Queer, you mean. Darnelle, I don’t see why a homosexual would want to marry you.
TESSIE MUDRACK
Oh, Dad, you’re such a tease! Vince is as heterosexual as they come.
VINCE SPIRELLI
Nothing against gays or anything, but I’m definitely heterosexual.
CHUCK MUDRACK
I heard you guys on the drug squad swing both ways.
NURSE RUCKUS
It’s hard for the elderly to adjust to today’s more relaxed attitudes.
DARNELLE MUDRACK
Grandpa, I’ve got to ask you to stop trying to embarrass Vince.
VINCE SPIRELLI
Oh, I’m not embarrassed. I like your grandpa, Bunnychops.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Don’t call my granddaughter “Bunnychops”.
TESSIE MUDRACK
It’s just a nickname, Dad. Like “Moo Cow”. Remember how you used to call Mom “Moo Cow”?
NURSE RUCKUS
That’s a cute nickname.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Quit dragging your dead mother into this.
DARNELLE MUDRACK
Mom, I think we should go now.
TESSIE MUDRACK
We just got here.
VINCE SPIRELLI
The party’s just getting started.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Get the hell out of here.
NURSE RUCKUS
It nearly time for his sedative.
TESSIE MUDRACK
Let’s go have a coffee, and come back later when he’s sedated.
DARNELLE MUDRACK
He’s seen Vince. Isn’t that good enough?
VINCE SPIRELLI
I’d like to swap stories with him, Bunnychops. I bet he’s got some good ones.
TESSIE MUDRACK
You better believe it. Dad was in the war, weren’t you, Dad?
CHUCK MUDRACK
Get him out of here before I kick his ass.
NURSE RUCKUS
He needs his medication now.
VINCE SPIRELLI
You want us to bring you a latte, Mr. Mudrack?
DARNELLE MUDRACK
He doesn’t know what that is, Vince. See you later, Grandpa.
(DARNELLE, VINCE, and TESSIE exit.)
NURSE RUCKUS
I’ll go get your medication.
(NURSE RUCKUS exits. PINKY BLUESKY enters.)
PINKY BLUESKY
Gee, mister, you look kinda mad.
CHUCK MUDRACK
What’s your name again?
PINKY BLUESKY
Pinky. Pinky Bluesky.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Why do you want to hang around an old man’s bedroom, Pinky?
PINKY BLUESKY
I’m waiting, mister.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Waiting for what?
PINKY BLUESKY
Oh, I dunno. Who do you look like?
CHUCK MUDRACK
Huh?
PINKY BLUESKY
Do you look like your dad or your mom?
CHUCK MUDRACK
They’re dead, kid.
PINKY BLUESKY
No they’re not. They’re in your face…in your hands…your toes…everywhere!
CHUCK MUDRACK
Yeah?
PINKY BLUESKY
And….in your brain!
CHUCK MUDRACK
I’m feeling kind of tired, kid.
PINKY BLUESKY
I know!
(PINKY exits.)
End of Act One, Scene 5.
Crabby Old Man by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 6:
(FERGIE ARAFAT enters with GEENA, ROGER, and MILLIE BOCK and BILLY PHANTOM.)
FERGIE ARAFAT
Your granddaughter Geena’s here to see you, Mr. Mudrack.
(FERGIE exits.)
GEENA BOCK
Hi, Grandpop.
CHUCK MUDRACK
I’m not a giant beverage.
GEENA BOCK
Huh? Oh, “Grand pop”! You still know how to play with words.
ROGER BOCK
How’s it going, old timer?
CHUCK MUDRACK
I’m not dead yet, pal.
MILLIE BOCK
Great-Grandpa, guess what?
CHUCK MUDRACK
You get your first period?
MILLIE BOCK
I’m fifteen, Great-Grandpa. I’ve been getting my period for ages, but not today.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Are you pregnant?
GEENA BOCK
No, no, Grandpop…she’s got a young man for you to meet.
MILLIE BOCK
Great-Grandpa, this is Billy…Billy Phantom.
BILLY PHANTOM
Pleased to meet you, Mr. Mudrack.
ROGER BOCK
Billy’s a grade eleven over at Bishop Hornybuck Secondary.
MILLIE BOCK
He was almost a Hare Krishna.
BILLY PHANTOM
I was almost a Hare Krishna, then I changed my mind and went back to Bishop Hornybuck.
GEENA BOCK
Millie and Billy are a cute couple, don’t you think?
CHUCK MUDRACK
Stay in school, son.
MILLIE BOCK
Oh, he’s going to, Great-Grandpa. Billy’s smart. He got a high “C” in math, and nearly passed English.
ROGER BOCK
The boy’s got growing pains, but don’t we all?
GEENA BOCK
Roger says Billy’s made of the right kind of material for a career in chemical food additives.
ROGER BOCK
I should be able to talk the boss into giving Billy a job…at the bottom, of course.
BILLY PHANTOM
I’m into chemicals and that.
MILLIE BOCK
Isn’t he cute, Great-Grandpa?
CHUCK MUDRACK
You sure you’re not pregnant, Millie? You talk like you’re pregnant.
GEENA BOCK
She’s fine, Grandpa…a normal fifteen-year-old.
ROGER BOCK
Millie and Billy have joined a karaoke club together.
BILLY PHANTOM
We know fifty songs. Want to hear one?
CHUCK MUDRACK
No, no, damn it.
(NURSE RUCKUS enters with CHUCK’S medication.)
NURSE RUCKUS
My, so much excitement today!
ROGER BOCK
Nurse Ruckus, isn’t it?
NURSE RUCKUS
That’s right, and you’re…
ROGER BOCK
Bock…Roger Bock. My wife Geena is Vern and Della’s daughter…Chuck’s granddaughter. This is my daughter Millie and her boyfriend Billy Phantom.
NURSE RUCKUS
I’ll never remember all that. Chuck, I’ve got your pills.
GEENA BOCK
What sort of pills, Nurse Ruckus?
NURSE RUCKUS
(administering the drugs)
Oh, the usual. Mood control, that sort of thing.
MILLIE BOCK
Billy used to take a lot of pills, but not any more since he met me.
BILLY PHANTOM
Millie’s my drug now.
ROGER BOCK
The boy’s had a complete turnaround. He’s ready for work now.
GEENA BOCK
I suppose Vern and Della are at church?
NURSE RUCKUS
They go every Sunday.
BILLY PHANTOM
I was nearly a Hare Krishna.
MILLIE BOCK
Billy’s spiritual, aren’t you, Billy!
BILLY PHANTOM
That’s right, Millie. I like to think that God is everywhere, even in those drugs your Great-Grandpa’s ingesting right now.
CHUCK MUDRACK
You’re a freak, kid.
ROGER BOCK
Billy’s intuitive. Once he gets going at the chemical food additives factory, I expect he’ll cut quite a swathe.
GEENA BOCK
Are you expensive, Nurse Ruckus?
NURSE RUCKUS
Not bad, if you have a plan.
ROGER BOCK
Geena could use a nurse once a week, say.
GEENA BOCK
Just to get me up and moving.
NURSE RUCKUS
What’s wrong? Arthritis?
GEENA BOCK
No. Nothing like that.
MILLIE BOCK
Mom gets depressed and stops bathing.
BILLY PHANTOM
I guess she’s hoping for a sponge bath, Nurse Ruckus.
ROGER BOCK
We’ve got a plan.
NURSE RUCKUS
Well, I could do Wednesdays.
ROGER BOCK
Done. Be there at eight.
NURSE RUCKUS
Where?
MILLIE BOCK
Our townhouse, in the village.
NURSE RUCKUS
The village! You must be doing all right for yourselves.
MILLIE BOCK
Billy’s going to move in.
ROGER BOCK
There’s a cot in the crawl space.
GEENA BOCK
In four years or so, Billy and Millie can marry and move into the garage.
ROGER BOCK
I’m going to upgrade it into a large bedroom with an ensuite.
BILLY PHANTOM
Love conquers all.
MILLIE BOCK
Oh, Billy!
CHUCK MUDRACK
You make me sick, the whole lot of you.
NURSE RUCKUS
His counsellor is due any time. It won’t be a moment too soon.
BILLY PHANTOM
Don’t you worry, old fella. There’s room for you in heaven too.
GEENA BOCK
Billy’s got a way with words, don’t you think?
ROGER BOCK
He’s like the son we never had.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Get him the hell out of here!
GEENA BOCK
Come on, everyone, lets go get some treats for Billy!
MILLIE BOCK
Did you hear that, Billy? Treats! How’d you like a burger with mushrooms?
BILLY PHANTOM
Only if they’re psychedelic!
ROGER BOCK
Psychedelic! I haven’t heard that one in a while! Come on, everyone, into the Camry!
GEENA BOCK
Adios, Grandpop. See you Wednesday, Nurse Ruckus!
NURSE RUCKUS
You bet!
(The BOCKS and BILLY exit.)
NURSE RUCKUS
Really, Chuck. They try so hard. You could at least give them a smile.
CHUCK MUDRACK
They come here and push that little turd Billy in my face, and you expect me to smile?
NURSE RUCKUS
It’s my break time. Those pills will keep you calm until the counsellor gets here. Just relax now. Don’t fight it.
(NURSE RUCKUS exits. PINKY BLUESKY enters.)
PINKY BLUESKY
Did you have a pet when you were a kid, mister?
CHUCK MUDRACK
A dog called Hoagy.
PINKY BLUESKY
Bet you miss him.
CHUCK MUDRACK
He was a corker.
PINKY BLUESKY
And a kitty, too?
CHUCK MUDRACK
Ginger.
PINKY BLUESKY
You got pictures of them?
CHUCK MUDRACK
Nope.
PINKY BLUESKY
Sure you do, in your noggin!
(PINKY runs out laughing.)
End of Act One, Scene 6.
Crabby Old Man by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 7:
(FERGIE ARAFAT enters with GEORGETTE BUNTER.)
FERGIE ARAFAT
Ms. Bunter’s here, Mr. Mudrack.
GEORGETTE BUNTER
Well, you’re looking thoughtful!
FERGIE ARAFAT
Do you need to use the toilet, Chuck?
CHUCK MUDRACK
She said “thoughtful”, not “constipated”!
FERGIE ARAFAT
You know how important it is to go number two, Mr. Mudrack.
GEORGETTE BUNTER
Let’s let nature take its course, Mrs. Arafat.
FERGIE ARAFAT
Whatever you say, Ms. Bunter. You’re the psychologist.
GEORGETTE BUNTER
That’s right, Mrs. Arafat. I love your name.
FERGIE ARAFAT
I’m not a Palestinian. I was born here.
GEORGETTE BUNTER
That doesn’t surprise me.
FERGIE ARAFAT
You need anything, Ms. Bunter? A cup of tea?
GEORGETTE BUNTER
No, no. I’m fine. A stimulating talk with Mr. Mudrack is nourishing enough.
FERGIE ARAFAT
You hear that, Mr. Mudrack? She thinks you’re stimulating!
(FERGIE ARAFAT exits.)
GEORGETTE BUNTER
So, Mr. Mudrack, how’s it going?
CHUCK MUDRACK
I never asked for a counsellor.
GEORGETTE BUNTER
We’ve been over that already. Your daughter-in-law Della contracted me to visit you.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Does my son Vern know about it?
GEORGETTE BUNTER
Yes, and though he’s displeased, he’s accepted it.
CHUCK MUDRACK
You married?
GEORGETTE BUNTER
Yes, as I’ve told you before, to a wonderful man named Byron.
CHUCK MUDRACK
That’s a sissy name.
GEORGETTE BUNTER
A name doesn’t make a man.
CHUCK MUDRACK
What does Byron do?
GEORGETTE BUNTER
He mouth paints.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Mouth paints?
GEORGETTE BUNTER
He’s a quadraplegic, Mr. Mudrack.
CHUCK MUDRACK
You mean a gimp?
GEORGETTE BUNTER
He’s a brave man who found a way to go on living after a very serious accident.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Drunk driving?
GEORGETTE BUNTER
If you’re trying to make me angry, it won’t work.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Just once, I’d like to see you break into a sweat.
GEORGETTE BUNTER
I sweat, Mr. Mudrack. Everyone does.
CHUCK MUDRACK
What do you want from me?
GEORGETTE BUNTER
What do you want from me?
CHUCK MUDRACK
If I was fifty years younger, that’d be easy to answer.
GEORGETTE BUNTER
As we age, our sexual drive weakens.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Tell me something I don’t already know, missy.
(BERNIE, BEE, and TIA MUDRACK enter with FERGIE ARAFAT.)
FERGIE ARAFAT
Sorry, Ms. Bunter, but Bernie here insisted on coming up.
BERNIE MUDRACK
Ms. Bunter, is it?
GEORGETTE BUNTER
Yes. And you’re….
BERNIE MUDRACK
Bernie Mudrack…Vern’s son. Chuck’s my grandpa.
FERGIE ARAFAT
Bernie drops by every Sunday, Ms. Bunter. Excuse me, I’ve got to put the meat in the oven.
(FERGIE ARAFAT exits.)
GEORGETTE BUNTER
I don’t usually work Sundays, but today I have a little time while my husband’s at physio.
BERNIE MUDRACK
My dad doesn’t approve of psychological counselling, and neither do I.
BEE MUDRACK
That includes marriage counselling.
TIA MUDRACK
Mom, Dad, please don’t fight.
BEE MUDRACK
We’re not fighting, Tia. We’re stating facts.
BERNIE MUDRACK
It’s a lot of mumbo-jumbo.
GEORGETTE BUNTER
I’m sorry you feel that way.
BEE MUDRACK
Bernie doesn’t like to talk about feelings.
TIA MUDRACK
Mom! Don’t provoke him!
BERNIE MUDRACK
All anyone needs is a good bowel movement once a day and a bit of exercise.
BEE MUDRACK
He’s just like his dad.
GEORGETTE BUNTER
Perhaps I should leave.
BERNIE MUDRACK
Run away, you mean, because you got caught in the act.
TIA MUDRACK
We don’t even know her, Dad.
BEE MUDRACK
Your dad doesn’t care about that, Dear. He’s a victim of his prejudices, you see.
BERNIE MUDRACK
Prejudices? Reliability, you mean. I don’t change with the seasons and the fashions like you.
BEE MUDRACK
Oh, get that stick out of your butt, Bernie. Arrested development is not reliability.
TIA MUDRACK
If you don’t stop, I’m going home by myself.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Sure is nice to see you all.
BERNIE MUDRACK
How you doing, Gramps?
CHUCK MUDRACK
I’m like an old beater four by four….kinda rugged looking but no good for nothing.
BERNIE MUDRACK
Want me to get you out of here?
GEORGETTE BUNTER
Mr. Mudrack, if your grandfather was able to go, he’d be gone.
BEE MUDRACK
What did I tell you, Bernie? Your grandpa’s changing. Everyone’s changing.
BERNIE MUDRACK
What do you say, Grandpa? We’ll dump these women and go play some pool.
CHUCK MUDRACK
I can’t, Bernie. I’m all stiffened up. You can see that, can’t you?
GEORGETTE BUNTER
If you want to do something with him, do something he can enjoy.
BERNIE MUDRACK
Like what? Eat porridge with laxative in it?
BEE MUDRACK
You said yourself everyone needs a good bowel movement every day.
TIA MUDRACK
Great-Grandpa, I got an “A” for my science project.
CHUCK MUDRACK
What was it, kid, a mud pie with a firecracker in it?
BEE MUDRACK
It was a working model of a cow’s teats.
TIA MUDRACK
You could milk them, Great-Grandpa.
CHUCK MUDRACK
I always did like to squeeze teats.
BERNIE MUDRACK
You tell ‘em, Grandpa.
BEE MUDRACK
Grandpa Mudrack, you should talk more carefully around children.
GEORGETTE BUNTER
He likes to try to shock us, Mrs. Mudrack.
BEE MUDRACK
Well, he does a good job.
TIA MUDRACK
For my next science project, I’d like to make a plaster cast of your face, Great-Grandpa.
BERNIE MUDRACK
She wants to make a death mask.
BEE MUDRACK
Not a “death mask”! Just a nice image of an old man.
CHUCK MUDRACK
If you wait a few weeks, kid, you can have my whole head, ‘cause I won’t need it any more.
GEORGETTE BUNTER
Mr. Mudrack, I’ll come back tomorrow.
BERNIE MUDRACK
If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen, eh?
GEORGETTE BUNTER
I’m interfering in family business. Excuse me.
BEE MUDRACK
Wait a minute, Ms. Bunter. Do you do marriage counselling?
GEORGETTE BUNTER
I’m a specialist in geriatrics, not marriage counselling.
BERNIE MUDRACK
I told you, Bee, I’m not going to spill my guts in front of some overpaid shrink!
TIA MUDRACK
I’m going home.
(TIA exits.)
BEE MUDRACK
Tia! Tia! See what you’ve done, Bernie, you stupid oaf!
(BEE exits.)
BERNIE MUDRACK
Damn it to hell! I’ll see you later, Grandpa, once I’ve got those females sorted out.
(BERNIE exits.)
GEORGETTE BUNTER
After that, you’ll need a bit of rest, Mr. Mudrack. Perhaps I’ll drop in later, when things have quieted down.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Suit yourself, sweetheart.
(GEORGETTE exits. PPINKY BLUESKY enters.)
PINKY BLUESKY
Say, mister, do you like music?
CHUCK MUDRACK
Old time country and western.
PINKY BLUESKY
I bet you used to yodel.
CHUCK MUDRACK
I played a fiddle in a band.
PINKY BLUESKY
Can you hear the music playing right now?
CHUCK MUDRACK
Music? Right now?
PINKY BLUESKY
Sure. There’s always music playing.
CHUCK MUDRACK
There is?
PINKY BLUESKY
Yep. It’s life music. Yours is slowing down to a nice little waltz.
(PINKY exits waltzing.)
End of Act One, Scene 7.
Crabby Old Man by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 8:
(FERGIE ARAFAT enters with DONNY, WANDA, and DONETTE WANKEL and PHIL POOT.)
FERGIE ARAFAT
It’s been a busy day for the old guy, Mr. Wankel.
DONNY WANKEL
That’s all right, Mrs. Arafat. We won’t take much of his time.
FERGIE ARAFAT
I hope it’s nothing serious.
WANDA WANKEL
Well, it is serious, actually.
FERGIE ARAFAT
Are you sure you should disturb him with something serious?
DONETTE WANKEL
Dad, you promised you’d talk to him.
PHIL POOT
Don’t you want to help Donette, Mr. Wankel?
DONNY WANKEL
Relax, I’m going to! Mrs. Arafat, if you don’t mind, we need to speak to Mr. Mudrack alone.
FERGIE ARAFAT
Well all right, but he’s had a lot of visitors. It’s hard to say if he’ll even know what you’re talking about.
(FERGIE ARAFAT exits.)
CHUCK MUDRACK
What do you want, Wankel?
DONNY WANKEL
Wanda and I live next door, Mr. Mudrack.
WANDA WANKEL
Your bedroom window is directly across from little Donette’s room.
DONETTE WANKEL
I can see in here, Mr. Mudrack, without even trying.
PHIL POOT
She can see in here. That means she can see you, Mr. Mudrack.
DONNY WANKEL
Now Phil, I know you mean well, but you’d best leave this to me.
PHIL POOT
She’s my girlfriend, sir. I’d do anything to defend her.
DONETTE WANKEL
Let Dad try first, Phil.
PHIL POOT
Well, all right. But it’s going to be hard to hold back.
WANDA WANKEL
You’re a nice young fella, Phil, but this calls for adult intervention.
DONNY WANKEL
We came straight to you, Mr. Mudrack, because we didn’t want to embarrass your son Vern and his lovely wife Della.
DONETTE WANKEL
It’s not their fault.
PHIL POOT
They just happen to live here is all. It’s sure not their fault, is it, Mr. Wankel?
DONNY WANKEL
No it’s not, Phil. It’s not their fault.
WANDA WANKEL
So that leaves you, Mr. Mudrack.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Cut to the chase, for Christ’s sake.
DONETTE WANKEL
Dad, he blasphemed!
PHIL POOT
Watch your language, old man.
DONNY WANKEL
He is indeed an old man, kids. Just try to remember that.
WANDA WANKEL
Mr. Mudrack, we’re here to ask you to draw your curtains.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Eh?
DONETTE WANKEL
I can see right into your bedroom.
CHUCK MUDRACK
So?
PHIL POOT
So every time she wants to look out her window, there’s a fifty-fifty chance she’ll see your naked ass!
DONNY WANKEL
Phil, please. I know you’re angry, but you must let me handle this.
WANDA WANKEL
Donny’s good at this sort of thing. He’s a bus driver.
DONETTE WANKEL
Don’t get on Phil’s case! He’s not the one parading around buck naked!
DONNY WANKEL
Sir, we’ve come here to ask you to draw your curtains before you disrobe.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Why can’t your little girl draw her own curtains?
WANDA WANKEL
She has a right to look out her window, Mr. Mudrack.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Well, so do I!
PHIL POOT
In your clothes, maybe. No one wants to look at a naked old man.
DONETTE WANKEL
It’s gross. All saggy and that. I shouldn’t have to look.
CHUCK MUDRACK
I bet you don’t mind looking at young Phil, your knight in shining skin.
PHIL POOT
I deeply resent that, sir.
DONNY WANKEL
It so happens that Phil took a vow of celibacy, Mr. Mudrack.
WANDA WANKEL
He’s saving himself for marriage.
DONETTE WANKEL
Phil would never become naked in front of me.
PHIL POOT
I would never.
DONNY WANKEL
We just want you to close your curtains.
WANDA WANKEL
Just when you’re naked.
DONETTE WANKEL
If you don’t, I’m gonna call the police.
DONNY WANKEL
Donette, I told you we’re not going to do that!
PHIL POOT
Why not, Mr. Wankel? It’s against the law!
WANDA WANKEL
Mr. Mudrack is very old. Old people get a bit eccentric.
DONNY WANKEL
We don’t want to get him into any more trouble than he’s already in.
CHUCK MUDRACK
I’ve seen your kid and that boy there watching dirty movies.
DONETTE WANKEL
What? That’s not true! We only watch family favourites!
PHIL POOT
Yeah, Disney and sitcoms and that’s all.
CHUCK MUDRACK
I can see into your bedroom, kid, just like you can see into mine.
DONETTE WANKEL
Mom, Dad, make him stop.
DONNY WANKEL
Dirty movies?
WANDA WANKEL
You better not be watching pornography, Donette Esmerelda Wankel!
PHIL POOT
He must mean that documentary on the human body we had to watch for biology.
DONETTE WANKEL
The teacher made us, Mom. It was creepy, but there was a test on it.
DONNY WANKEL
What kind of junk are they teaching these days?
WANDA WANKEL
In my day, there was absolutely no nudity in school.
PHIL POOT
They’re always making us do things that make us uncomfortable, Mrs. Wankel.
DONNY WANKEL
I’m going to have a word with that principal, what’s his name….
DONETTE WANKEL
Mr. Turkey.
DONNY WANKEL
Right. Mr. Turkey.
WANDA WANKEL
It’s no wonder they’re having trouble down at that school, with a principal called “Mr. Turkey”! It sounds like a cartoon!
PHIL POOT
Don’t get too mad at Mr. Turkey. He’s trying hard. He even learned my name. “Hello, Phil Poot”, he says, whenever he sees me.
DONETTE WANKEL
Mr. Turkey gave me a certificate for a free slurpee because I threw my bag lunch in a garbage can.
DONNY WANKEL
Don’t try to defend him. He’s the leader of the school, and he’s promoting nudity.
WANDA WANKEL
Maybe we should move to Alberta. They still respect family values there.
CHUCK MUDRACK
How’d you like to quit your yakking and get out of my room?
DONNY WANKEL
Listen, Mr. Mudrack, if those curtains aren’t closed tonight, I’m coming over here and talking to your son Vern.
PHIL POOT
Go, Mr. Wankel! You got him on the run now!
CHUCK MUDRACK
So tell the little pecker! Just get out of my room!
WANDA WANKEL
Come on, Donny. We’re taking this to the next level.
DONETTE WANKEL
The next level! Phil, did you hear that?
PHIL POOT
I sure did, Donette. Your dad’s a real scrapper.
(The WANKELS and PHIL POOT exit, pleased with themselves. PINKY BLUESKY enters.)
PINKY BLUESKY
Did you used to dance, mister?
CHUCK MUDRACK
I sure did, with my wife.
PINKY BLUESKY
Was she pretty?
CHUCK MUDRACK
Yep. I was crazy about her.
PINKY BLUESKY
She never got old.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Nope. Not like me. Died when she was still a young woman.
PINKY BLUESKY
It wasn’t your fault.
CHUCK MUDRACK
I should have had snow tires on that old Dodge.
PINKY BLUESKY
Accidents happen.
CHUCK MUDRACK
At least she died quick. Some folks, they don’t die quick.
PINKY BLUESKY
There’s lots of ways to die.
CHUCK MUDRACK
I guess so.
PINKY BLUESKY
But at the very end, they all become the same way.
(PINKY exits.)
End of Act One, Scene 8.
Crabby Old Man by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 9:
(TRICK and ZELDA VENZETTI enter with FERGIE ARAFAT and NURSE RUCKUS.)
FERGIE ARAFAT
There he is, Mr. and Mrs. Venzetti.
NURSE RUCKUS
Don’t spend too much time with him. He’s had a busy day.
FERGIE ARAFAT
Mr. and Mrs. Mudrack will be back from church soon, and they’ll make a fuss if they think the old man’s had too much stimulation.
TRICK VENZETTI
This’ll only take a minute, Mrs. Arafat.
ZELDA VENZETTI
It’s no big deal.
FERGIE ARAFAT
Well, all right. I’ve got to go scrub the foyer.
(FERGIE ARAFAT exits.)
NURSE RUCKUS
Mr. Mudrack, I just got a call from your doctor. He wants me to monitor your heartbeat.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Don’t waste your time. It’ll either go or quit.
NURSE RUCKUS
I’ll start taking readings in a few minutes. First, I’ve got to check your oxygen tank.
(NURSE RUCKUS exits.)
TRICK VENZETTI
While she’d doing that, perhaps we can have a little talk, Mr. Mudrack.
ZELDA VENZETTI
A small chat.
TRICK VENZETTI
We’ve been buying you lottery tickets for the last couple of years, right?
CHUCK MUDRACK
Right.
ZELDA VENZETTI
You give us the money, and we go down to the convenience store and buy the tickets.
CHUCK MUDRACK
That’s how she goes.
TRICK VENZETTI
Well, this week you forgot to give us the money.
ZELDA VENZETTI
But we bought you a lottery ticket anyway.
TRICK VENZETTI
It’s right here, in my wallet.
ZELDA VENZETTI
Get it out honey.
TRICK VENZETTI
Now just where the heck is it.
ZELDA VENZETTI
Look harder.
TRICK VENZETTI
I am looking hard. It’s not here.
ZELDA VENZETTI
Try your pockets.
TRICK VENZETTI
Let’s see…maybe the left, with my handkerchief.
ZELDA VENZETTI
How could you lose it?
TRICK VENZETTI
It’s not lost…it can’t be lost.
CHUCK MUDRACK
It’s just a damn lottery ticket!
ZELDA VENZETTI
No, Mr. Mudrack, it’s not “just a ticket”, it’s a winning ticket!
CHUCK MUDRACK
What?
TRICK VENZETTI
God, what if it’s gone?
ZELDA VENZETTI
Oh, Trick, how could you be so careless!
TRICK VENZETTI
I’m sorry, honey, I was just so excited, I must have put it someplace else.
ZELDA VENZETTI
Where? Where? Think, Trick, for god’s sake!
TRICK VENZETTI
I’m thinking! I’m thinking! Leave me be!
CHUCK MUDRACK
You say it’s a winning ticket?
ZELDA VENZETTI
Yes, a winner, Mr. Mudrack.
CHUCK MUDRACK
How much?
ZELDA VENZETTI
Now it’s gone, I don’t want to say.
TRICK VENZETTI
It can’t be gone. It just can’t.
CHUCK MUDRACK
How much?
ZELDA VENZETTI
A lot, Mr. Mudrack. An awful lot.
CHUCK MUDRACK
But I forgot to give you the money for it. That means it’s yours.
TRICK VENZETTI
Maybe it’s in the car.
ZELDA VENZETTI
Trick and I never buy lottery tickets.
TRICK VENZETTI
The only reason we bought it was because of you, Mr. Mudrack.
ZELDA VENZETTI
So it’s yours.
TRICK VENZETTI
You owe us five dollars for the ticket.
ZELDA VENZETTI
If we can find it.
CHUCK MUDRACK
You don’t want none of the winnings?
TRICK VENZETTI
It’s your ticket, Mr. Mudrack, not ours.
ZELDA VENZETTI
Like I said, Trick and I don’t gamble.
TRICK VENZETTI
We just like to help you out, knowing how you like to buy a ticket every week.
ZELDA VENZETTI
And how you can’t get out because of your health.
TRICK VENZETTI
We just got to find that ticket.
ZELDA VENZETTI
Come on, Trick, we better check the car.
TRICK VENZETTI
And the kitchen, or maybe the bedroom.
ZELDA VENZETTI
What about the pants you wore yesterday?
CHUCK MUDRACK
How much money did the ticket win?
TRICK VENZETTI
Don’t make us tell you.
ZELDA VENZETTI
Not until we’ve found the ticket.
TRICK VENZETTI
If we can find it.
ZELDA VENZETTI
It’s my fault. Trick’s such a scatter-brain. I should have looked after it.
TRICK VENZETTI
She trusts me with things. Damned if I know why.
ZELDA VENZETTI
Because I love you, Trick.
CHUCK MUDRACK
That’s not my ticket. I didn’t pay for it. The winnings are yours.
TRICK VENZETTI
No, Mr. Mudrack. We won’t take a penny…if we can find that ticket and cash it in.
ZELDA VENZETTI
Not a penny. It would be wrong.
TRICK VENZETTI
Come on, we’ve got to find it. I hope no one stole it.
(TRICK and ZELDA exit.)
CHUCK MUDRACK
Well, what do you know about that!
(PINKY BLUESKY enters.)
PINKY BLUESKY
You look happy, mister. Somebody give you a present?
CHUCK MUDRACK
Maybe.
PINKY BLUESKY
Do you like to give presents?
CHUCK MUDRACK
I don’t do that anymore.
PINKY BLUESKY
Do you like to get them?
CHUCK MUDRACK
I don’t need more stuff.
PINKY BLUESKY
That’s good, ’cause you can’t take anything with you, you know.
CHUCK MUDRACK
I know.
PINKY BLUESKY
All that stuff’s as good as gone.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Yep.
PINKY BLUESKY
So now you’ve got lots of room for gifts that aren’t stuff, right?
(PINKY exits.)
End of Act One, Scene 9.
Crabby Old Man by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 1:
(NURSE RUCKUS enters.)
NURSE RUCKUS
Let’s get a reading on your heart rate, Chuck.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Suit yourself.
NURSE RUCKUS
It’s going pretty fast. What have you been up to?
CHUCK MUDRACK
Not a damn thing.
NURSE RUCKUS
I’ve go to call your doctor and give him an update.
(NURSE RUCKUS exits as VERN and DELLA MUDRACK enter.)
VERN MUDRACK
You go number two yet, Dad?
DELLA MUDRACK
Vern! We get back from church and the first thing you say to your Dad is, “You go number two?”
VERN MUDRACK
What else is there to say?
DELLA MUDRACK
You might want to tell him about the sermon.
VERN MUDRACK
I’m sure Dad wants to hear about burning in Hell because he doesn’t go to church.
DELLA MUDRACK
He can start going anytime, and then it won’t be a problem.
VERN MUDRACK
Sometimes I think you’re in love with that minister.
DELLA MUDRACK
He’s twenty years younger than me.
VERN MUDRACK
I’ve seen the way you look at his butt.
DELLA MUDRACK
Vern! I do not look at his bottom! He’s a man of God, not a sex object!
VERN MUDRACK
You ladies practically pee your pants when he offers you the wafers and the wine.
DELLA MUDRACK
Maybe I’d get more excited about you if you’d wine and dine me once in a while.
VERN MUDRACK
What makes you think I want you to get excited about me?
DELLA MUDRACK
Nothing, unfortunately.
VERN MUDRACK
We’re too old for that sort of thing.
DELLA MUDRACK
You’re too old. I’m still ready and willing.
VERN MUDRACK
It’s Dad. Whenever I look at him, I get depressed and lose what’s left of my sex drive.
CHUCK MUDRACK
I’m right here, you moron! Right in front of you! I can hear every word you say!
VERN MUDRACK
Did you go number two, Dad?
CHUCK MUDRACK
No. And I don’t plan to.
DELLA MUDRACK
Leave him alone, Vern. Pop, do you want to join us for dinner?
CHUCK MUDRACK
No!
VERN MUDRACK
Is your gut acting up, Dad?
CHUCK MUDRACK
Will you just shut up about my gut!
DELLA MUDRACK
Listen, Vern. I’ve been thinking.
VERN MUDRACK
That’s a first.
DELLA MUDRACK
Maybe your dad would be better off in an assisted living unit.
VERN MUDRACK
You mean an old folks’ home.
DELLA MUDRACK
Call it that if you want. He’d be better off than here, where he’s alone most of the time.
VERN MUDRACK
No father of mine is going to be stuffed into a death camp.
DELLA MUDRACK
This room is a death camp! It’s just a matter of time, Vern.
VERN MUDRACK
He’ll never die. He’s too ornery to die.
DELLA MUDRACK
Face up to it, Vern. He’s nearly reached his end.
VERN MUDRACK
So you want to send him off to a funeral farm so he can die with strangers who don’t give a damn about him?
DELLA MUDRACK
He’s got a right to be comfortable. They can make him comfortable.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Where’s that nurse?
VERN MUDRACK
You got pain, Dad?
CHUCK MUDRACK
Leave me alone.
DELLA MUDRACK
I’ll go find the nurse.
(DELLA exits.)
VERN MUDRACK
She wants to get rid of you, Dad. But don’t worry, it’s not going to happen.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Leave me alone.
VERN MUDRACK
It’s not going to happen.
(VERN exits. PINKY BLUESKY enters.)
PINKY BLUESKY
You’re pretty tired, mister.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Yes.
PINKY BLUESKY
You must have lived awful hard to be so tired.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Eighty-six years is a lot of living.
PINKY BLUESKY
Don’t worry. You’ll go to sleep soon.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Death is a tragedy.
PINKY BLUESKY
Remember that Russian guy Maxim Gorky you used to read?
CHUCK MUDRACK
Yeah.
BLUESKY
He said death is like a mother to a small child.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Is it?
PINKY BLUESKY
You’d have to ask him.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Where is he?
PINKY BLUESKY
He’s dead, mister.
(PINKY exits.)
End of Act Two, Scene 1.
Crabby Old Man by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 2:
(JUMPY TODD and GOOSE VAUXHALL enter.)
JUMPY TODD
I nearly got stuck in that window.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
You got no mechanical ability whatsoever.
JUMPY TODD
There he is.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
Hey, old man!
CHUCK MUDRACK
What do you want?
GOOSE VAUXHALL
We brung that cocaine and put it in your closet.
JUMPY TODD
Just like you wanted.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
Now we want the money.
CHUCK MUDRACK
I don’t have any money.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
You got to pay, old man. We took a big risk getting that stuff for you.
JUMPY TODD
What if he doesn’t pay, Goose?
GOOSE VAUXHALL
Shut up, Jumpy. Where’s your wallet, Chuck?
CHUCK MUDRACK
I don’t have any money.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
You order drugs, you got to pay. Or else.
JUMPY TODD
Or else what, Goose? What are you going to do to him?
GOOSE VAUXHALL
What do you think I’m gonna do?
JUMPY TODD
Rough him up a bit?
GOOSE VAUXHALL
If we don’t pay Big Russell for that cocaine, what do you think he’s gonna do to us?
JUMPY TODD
Shoot us?
GOOSE VAUXHALL
That’s right. So if the old man doesn’t pay us, we’re as good as dead, right?
JUMPY TODD
We could run away to an island.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
Don’t be an idiot. What I’m saying is, if we’re gonna die, we may as well take the old man with us.
JUMPY TODD
Why?
GOOSE VAUXHALL
To punish him for being the reason we’re gonna get shot to death.
CHUCK MUDRACK
I really don’t have any money, you dumb thug. You can’t scare it out of me.
JUMPY TODD
Goose, we can’t stand here talking. Someone’s gonna find us.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
Go get that cocaine, and be quick about it.
JUMPY TODD
I’m on it, Goose.
(JUMPY exits.)
GOOSE VAUXHALL
You’re making a lot of trouble for me, old man. Now I got to find someone else to buy that bag of cocaine.
CHUCK MUDRACK
That should be easy enough.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
What’s an old geezer like you want with a giant bag of cocaine anyway?
CHUCK MUDRACK
It was supposed to be a gift.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
For who?
CHUCK MUDRACK
For everyone I know, after I die.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
Why the hell would you want to leave them a bunch of cocaine?
CHUCK MUDRACK
A joke. A sort of joke.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
A joke?
CHUCK MUDRACK
It’s the last thing they’d expect.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
You’re crazy, old man, losing your mind.
(JUMPY TODD returns with the bag of cocaine.)
JUMPY TODD
Got it, Goose.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
It better all be there.
(NURSE RUCKUS enters.)
NURSE RUCKUS
Oh! Back again?
GOOSE VAUXHALL
We’re just leaving.
NURSE RUCKUS
What’s in that bag?
CHUCK MUDRACK
Cocaine.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
Good old Chuck…what a sense of humour.
JUMPY TODD
You want to buy some?
GOOSE VAUXHALL
Shut up, Jumpy.
NURSE RUCKUS
Is there really cocaine in there?
CHUCK MUDRACK
I ordered it but I can’t pay for it. Could you loan me fifty thousand, Nurse Ruckus?
GOOSE VAUXHALL
Look, if you both promise to keep your mouths shut, we’ll leave and there won’t be any trouble.
JUMPY TODD
I want to leave. I really do.
NURSE RUCKUS
If you want me to keep quiet, you better drop that bag on the floor, fellas, then get out of here.
JUMPY TODD
She’s wants us to leave the cocaine, Goose.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
No kidding.
(to NURSE RUCKUS)
That cocaine’s our legal property.
NURSE RUCKUS
You have any idea how much time you’ll do for possession of that much cocaine? It’s no one’s property, and its illegal and dangerous.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
We’re illegal and dangerous too.
NURSE RUCKUS
Touch us, and you just make it worse for yourselves.
JUMPY TODD
But Big Russell will shoot us if we don’t get the money for that cocaine!
NURSE RUCKUS
That’s your problem. Drop the bag and get out.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
All right, but we’ll be back…with backup.
(GOOSE drops the sack.)
JUMPY TODD
Where are we gonna get backup, Goose?
GOOSE VAUXHALL
Shutup, Jumpy.
(GOOSE and JUMPY exit.)
CHUCK MUDRACK
Looks like you got yourself some cocaine, Nurse Ruckus.
NURSE RUCKUS
Why do you want cocaine, Chuck?
CHUCK MUDRACK
I got a good reason.
NURSE RUCKUS
(picking up the sack)
This is an awful lot of cocaine.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Some for everyone.
NURSE RUCKUS
I’m going to keep my promise and not tell anyone about this, for now.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Thanks.
NURSE RUCKUS
I’m putting this bag in your closet.
(NURSE RUCKUS exits with the cocaine. PINKY BLUESKY enters.)
PINKY BLUESKY
People die from drugs, mister.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Yep.
PINKY BLUESKY
You could die from drugs, too.
CHUCK MUDRACK
I could.
PINKY BLUESKY
You want to die that way?
(PINKY exits. NURSE RUCKUS enters.)
NURSE RUCKUS
Now I’ve got to send in my daily report to your doctor.
(NURSE RUCKUS exits)
End of Act Two, Scene 2.
Crabby Old Man by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 3:
(VERN and DELLA MUDRACK enter with TESSIE and DARNELLE MUDRACK and VINCE SPIRELLI.)
VERN MUDRACK
Look who’s here, Dad!
DELLA MUDRACK
Tessie and Darnelle, and the nice young man who’s going to marry Darnelle.
VERN MUDRACK
Vince, isn’t it?
VINCE SPIRELLI
Vince Spirelli.
VERN MUDRACK
He’s a detective on the drug squad.
DARNELLE MUDRACK
Grandpa already knows, Uncle Vern.
TESSIE MUDRACK
It never hurts to tell Dad twice.
DARNELLE MUDRACK
Look what Vince bought you, Grandpa…a latte!
VINCE SPIRELLI
It’s just a kind of coffee, sir.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Drink it yourself. I don’t want it.
VINCE SPIRELLI
All right.
CHUCK MUDRACK
Why’d you come back here?
TESSIE MUDRACK
We thought you’d be more clear-headed.
DELLA MUDRACK
Tessie’s a bit worried about you, Pop.
VINCE SPIRELLI
She thought you looked a little shaky.
DARNELLE MUDRACK
You gonna make it, Grandpa?
VERN MUDRACK
Sure he’s gonna make it. He’s as tough as an old army boot.
DELLA MUDRACK
Vern, we’re family here, so I’m going to call a spade a spade. You’re in denial.
TESSIE MUDRACK
She’s right, Vern. You always say Dad’s fine, but he’s not. Look at him!
VINCE SPIRELLI
He’s an old man, Mr. Mudrack.
DARNELLE MUDRACK
You’ve got to see him as he is, not as you want him to be, Uncle Vern.
VERN MUDRACK
What’s going on here?
DELLA MUDRACK
We all think it’s best if Pop goes into a home, Vern.
VERN MUDRACK
He’s got a home.
TESSIE MUDRACK
An assisted-living continual-care facility.
(NURSE RUCKUS enters.)
NURSE RUCKUS
This is a rather large crowd for Mr. Mudrack.
DELLA MUDRACK
I know you mean well, Nurse Ruckus, but this is family business.
NURSE RUCKUS
And this young man….is he family?
VINCE SPIRELLI
I’m Vince Spirelli, Darnelle’s fiancé.
DARNELLE MUDRACK
He’s on the drug squad.
NURSE RUCKUS
Well, that puts things nicely in balance.
DARNELLE MUDRACK
In balance?
NURSE RUCKUS
I give people drugs, he takes them away.
VINCE SPIRELLI
That’s funny. You’ve got quite a sense of humour, Nurse Ruckus.
(FERGIE ARAFAT enters with GEENA, ROGER, and MILLIE BOCK and BILLY PHANTOM.)
DELLA MUDRACK
Geena and Roger! Mrs. Arafat, you should have told them there’s already too many people in here.
FERGIE ARAFAT
Mrs. Bock said it was important, Mrs. Mudrack.
DELLA MUDRACK
Important?
FERGIE ARAFAT
It’s got something to do with hamburgers.
GEENA BOCK
We went for burgers in the Camry, and Billy here suddenly had a wonderful idea!
VERN MUDRACK
Who’s “Billy”?
MILLIE BOCK
Billy Phantom, my boyfriend! Isn’t he great?
BILLY PHANTOM
Hi, everyone!
TESSIE MUDRACK
What sort of idea did you have, Billy?
BILLY PHANTOM
I thought it would be fun if we could all say a prayer together for old Mr. Mudrack over there.
DELLA MUDRACK
Sometimes prayers are better than drugs!
BILLY PHANTOM
Sometimes? All the time!
ROGER BOCK
Billy is always coming up with bright ideas. He’s going to go far.
MILLIE BOCK
I’m so lucky I found him.
GEENA BOCK
Isn’t he a corker, Dad?
VERN MUDRACK
Not if he’s religious.
ROGER BOCK
Vern, I know I’m only your son-in-law, but I think you ought to take a second look at Billy. There’s more there than meets the eye.
FERGIE ARAFAT
Do you want me to pray too, Mr. Billy?
BILLY PHANTOM
Sure! The more the merrier!
DARNELLE MUDRACK
How about you, Vince?
VINCE SPIRELLI
I don’t mind talking to God once in a while.
VERN MUDRACK
Count me out.
DELLA MUDRACK
Vern, how could you say that? We’re doing this for Pop!
TESSIE MUDRACK
You always were the selfish one, Vern.
ROGER BOCK
Teamwork pays off, Vern. It took teamwork to make a chemical that tastes like beef fat.
FERGIE ARAFAT
Beef fat, Mr. Bock?
ROGER BOCK
Down at the chemical food additives factory…we worked as a team…just like now…a team, only we’re going to pray instead of making artificial beef fat.
MILLIE BOCK
It’s Billy’s idea! Look at him! Couldn’t you just squeeze him to death?
DARNELLE MUDRACK
He’s a sweetheart, isn’t he, Vince?
VINCE SPIRELLI
He’s cuddly.
BILLY PHANTOM
People are generally attracted to me.
VINCE SPIRELLI
You ever use drugs, son?
BILLY PHANTOM
Hasn’t everyone?
NURSE RUCKUS
If you’re going to pray, you’d best get on with it. Mr. Mudrack is exhausted.
GEENA BOCK
Who’s going to lead? I’d do it, but I don’t have a very good relationship with God.
MILLIE BOCK
Billy! Billy, Billy, Billy!
VERN MUDRACK
He’s not even one of the family.
DELLA MUDRACK
That means he’s not contaminated.
ROGER BOCK
Billy’s a clean boy, very clean, and that’s got to be good for something.
TESSIE MUDRACK
You bet it is, Roger. Billy, you go ahead and lead the prayer.
BILLY PHANTOM
My pleasure. Bow your heads. Dear Lord, help our brother Chuck Mudrack in his last days as a human on Planet Earth. Help him find peace through drugs if necessary, but mostly through good friends, good family, and good digestion. We love you, Chuck. Amen. How’d I do?
MILLIE BOCK
You were wonderful, Billy!
VERN MUDRACK
Thanks, Billy, for mentioning digestion.
DELLA MUDRACK
Mrs. Arafat, coffee and cakes for everyone!
FERGIE ARAFAT
I have only a strudel and half a rhubarb pie.
TESSIE MUDRACK
Slice it thin, Mrs. Arafat. It’ll be like loaves and fishes!
DARNELLE MUDRACK
Mrs. Arafat, would you be willing to cater my wedding?
FERGIE ARAFAT
You don’t want an old girl like me handling your cake, Ms. Mudrack.
VINCE SPIRELLI
Sure we do, Mrs. Arafat. I like you. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders.
DELLA MUDRACK
Join us, Nurse Ruckus!
NURSE RUCKUS
I could use a strong cup of coffee about now.
BILLY PHANTOM
Let’s go do justice to that strudel!
(They all exit. PINKY BLUESKY enters.)
PINKY BLUESKY
Do you believe in God, mister?
CHUCK MUDRACK
No.
PINKY BLUESKY
Why not?
CHUCK MUDRACK
There’s only me now.
PINKY BLUESKY
And me.
CHUCK MUDRACK
You’re not God.
PINKY BLUESKY
Yes I am!
(PINKY exits.)
End of Act Two, Scene 3.
Crabby Old Man by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 4:
(BERNIE MUDRACK enters with BEE and TIA MUDRACK and GEORGETTE BUNTER.)
TIA MUDRACK
Hey, Great-Grandpa, we’re back again.
BEE MUDRACK
Bernie wants to apologize.
TIA MUDRACK
He feels bad, Great-Grandpa.
BEE MUDRACK
We ran into Ms. Bunter at the mall.
GEORGETTE BUNTER
I was getting a prescription filled for Byron, my husband.
BEE MUDRACK
Bernie felt bad for attacking her this morning.
GEORGETTE BUNTER
It was a bit overwhelming.
BERNIE MUDRACK
So I just want to say I’m sorry, Grandpa. I shouldn’t have yelled at your counsellor like I did. I shouldn’t have been so angry.
GEORGETTE BUNTER
You love your grandfather, Bernie. It’s as simple as that.
TIA MUDRACK
He loves you, Great-Grandpa.
BEE MUDRACK
But there’s something else you’ve got to know, Chuck.
BERNIE MUDRACK
This is the hard part.
BEE MUDRACK
I’m leaving Bernie. And Tia’s coming with me.
BERNIE MUDRACK
Our marriage…it’s no good. It hasn’t been for a long time.
TIA MUDRACK
All they do is fight.
GEORGETTE BUNTER
Things change. We have to accept that things change.
BERNIE MUDRACK
Bee’s going to her mother’s up the valley. I’ll stay in the house.
BEE MUDRACK
He can have it. I don’t want anything to do with the past.
TIA MUDRACK
I hate that house.
BERNIE MUDRACK
So, if you want, you can come and live with me, Grandpa.
BEE MUDRACK
There’ll be lots of room.
TIA MUDRACK
You can have the guest bedroom, Great-Grandpa.
GEORGETTE BUNTER
It’s something to consider, Mr. Mudrack. Bernie would take good care of you.
BERNIE MUDRACK
I got to start rebuilding my life, Grandpa. You could help me.
BEE MUDRACK
Think about it, Chuck. It doesn’t hurt to think about it.
TIA MUDRACK
I could see you on weekends when I’m with Dad, if you lived with him.
(VERN MUDRACK enters with DONNY, WANDA, and DONETTE WANKEL and PHIL POOT.)
VERN MUDRACK
Bernie, I know you’re having a crisis, son, but this can’t wait.
DONNY WANKEL
Deal with that old man, Vern, or I’ll do it myself!
WANDA WANKEL
We told him to close the curtains, but he deliberately ignored us.
DONETTE WANKEL
My boyfriend Phil and I are fed up with your Dad showing his bare bottom through the window!
PHIL POOT
Donette gets nightmares, don’t you, Donette?
DONETTE WANKEL
Yes, nightmares. I get nightmares, and your dad’s the reason why!
DONNY WANKEL
Now, I’m a reasonable man, Vern, and Wanda’s reasonable too, aren’t you honey?
WANDA WANKEL
I’m reasonable, but I draw the line at nudity.
DONNY WANKEL
All we ask is that your dad close his curtains if he intends to get naked.
DONETTE WANKEL
That’s what I do. That’s what everyone does. You close your curtains when you get naked, don’t you, Phil?
PHIL POOT
If I’m going to take off my clothes, I close my curtains first thing, and they stay closed until I’m clothed.
DONNY WANKEL
So do we have a deal here?
BERNIE MUDRACK
No, you don’t have a “deal”.
WANDA WANKEL
Look, you may be one of the old man’s family, but it’s no business of yours.
BEE MUDRACK
Your temper, Bernie…
BERNIE MUDRACK
My grandfather is eighty-six. He’s very sick and very tired. He’s got so much pain he sometimes forgets to close his curtains.
PHIL POOT
Don’t raise your voice, mister.
BEE MUDRACK
Take it easy, Bernie.
TIA MUDRACK
You don’t want to get my Dad mad, mister.
BERNIE MUDRACK
What’s your name?
DONNY WANKEL
Wankel…Donny Wankel…I live right over there.
BERNIE MUDRACK
Well, Mr. Wankel, how’d you like me to throw you out of my Grandpa’s window?
WANDA WANKEL
Don’t you go threatening us! We got rights!
VERN MUDRACK
Bernie, stop this right now.
BERNIE MUDRACK
Sorry, Dad, I can’t help myself!
(BERNIE grabs DONNY. PHIL jumps on BERNIE’S back. TIA screams. BEE comforts her. VERN grabs PHIL and pulls him off BERNIE. DONETTE runs out towards the closet.)
GEORGETTE BUNTER
Stop it! STOP IT! Stop it RIGHT NOW!
(Surprised by Georgette’s anger, they stop.)
GEORGETTE BNTER
No more fighting or I call the police!
(DONETTE enters. She has the bag of cocaine.)
DONETTE WANKEL
Look what I found in the old man’s closet! Drugs!
PHIL POOT
Let me see…Cocaine! He’s a drug dealer! Look at all this!
BERNIE MUDRACK
That’s ridiculous! Someone must have planted it! Grandpa’s not a dealer!
WANDA WANKEL
A drug-crazed old man! No wonder he parades around in his birthday suit!
DONNY WANKEL
He’s going to be put away for the rest of his days.
(GOOSE VAUXHALL and JUMPY TODD are brought in. GOOSE is held by DARNELLE MUDRACK and ROGER BOCK, and JUMPY is held by MILLIE BOCK and BILLY PHANTOM. GEENA BOCK, DELLA MUDRACK,TESSIE MUDRACK, VINCE SPIRELLI, FERGIE ARAFAT, and NURSE RUCKUS also enter.)
DELLA MUDRACK
Vern! Darnelle’s fiancé Vince caught these two skulking around outside the house.
VINCE SPIRELLI
I went out for a smoke, and there they were!
BILLY PHANTOM
They’re bad guys, Mr. Mudrack!
MILLIE BOCK
They were messing with Great-Grandpa Mudrack!
VINCE SPIRELLI
I know these guys…Goose Vauxhall and Jumpy Todd…both small time crooks with a big time dreams.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
We weren’t doin’ nothin’!
JUMPY TODD
Quit squeezing me! I bruise easy!
NURSE RUCKUS
Looks like you found the cocaine.
PHIL POOT
You know about this stuff?
NURSE RUCKUS
They were hiding it in old Mr. Mudrack’s closet.
GOOSE VAUXHALL
We didn’t do nothin’. That’s the old man’s drugs!
NURSE RUCKUS
It’s your word against mine.
JUMPY TODD
She’s a nurse, Goose.
BILLY PHANTOM
Hiding drugs in an old man’s closet! That’s low!
NURSE RUCKUS
Everything’s going to be all right now, Chuck.
GEORGETTE BUNTER
Yes, Mr. Mudrack. Things are going to get sorted out. Mr. Mudrack? Mr. Mudrack?
NURSE RUCKUS
Let me see. Mr. Mudrack, can you hear me? Mr. Mudrack? Mr. Mudrack?
BEE MUDRACK
Is he….?
NURSE RUCKUS
He’s gone. I’m sorry. He’s been gone for some time…
BERNIE MUDRACK
Gone?
NURSE RUCKUS
I’m sorry…Old Mr. Mudrack is dead.
DELLA MUDRACK
The poor old man. God help him.
VERN MUDRACK
I don’t want everyone standing around here gawking. Bernie, Geena, get them out of here, please.
GEENA BOCK
Come on, everyone, downstairs.
BERNIE MUDRACK
We need to call an ambulance, and the police.
FERGIE ARAFAT
I’ll make more coffee. Lots of coffee. More coffee.
DONNY WANKEL
Jeeze, I’m sorry we made such a fuss.
WANDA WANKEL
We didn’t think he was going to die.
DONETTE WANKEL
Poor old guy. Won’t need to close his curtains now.
TESSIE MUDRACK
He was an old, old, man. He just plain wore out.
(They all exit. TRICK and ZELDA VENZETTI enter as they exit, and watch them going by. They wait until everyone is gone, and then go up to CHUCK MUDRACK.)
ZELDA VENZETTI
They’re all in shock.
TRICK VENZETTI
They didn’t even notice us.
ZELDA VENZETTI
Trick, I think Mr. Mudrack is gone.
TRICK VENZETTI
Yes. He looks okay, though.
ZELDA VENZETTI
You think so?
TRICK VENZETTI
Well, I mean for a dead guy.
ZELDA VENZETTI
You got the lottery ticket?
TRICK VENZETTI
Yep.
ZELDA VENZETTI
What are we going to do with it now?
TRICK VENZETTI
Keep it for ourselves, Zelda.
ZELDA VENZETTI
But it’s not ours!
TRICK VENZETTI
I know. We won’t cash it.
ZELDA VENZETTI
No?
TRICK VENZETTI
We’ll put it in a frame and hang it on the wall.
ZELDA VENZETTI
Why, Trick?
TRICK VENZETTI
As a lesson.
ZELDA VENZETTI
A lesson about life?
TRICK VENZETTI
Yes, Zelda. A lesson about life.
ZELDA VENZETTI
Money isn’t everything.
TRICK VENZETTI
That’s right. Life is everything.
ZELDA VENZETTI
Life is everything. And death?
TRICK VENZETTI
Death is nothing.
ZELDA VENZETTI
Trick?
TRICK VENZETTI
Yes, Zelda?
ZELDA VENZETTI
I love you.
TRICK VENZETTI
Do you?
ZELDA VENZETTI
Uh huh.
TRICK VENZETTI
I love you too.
ZELDA VENZETTI
Let’s have children.
TRICK VENZETTI
Lots of them?
ZELDA VENZETTI
Lots and lots. Because life is everything.
(TRICK and ZELDA exit)
Epilogue
(PINKY BLUESKY enters)
PINKY BLUESKY
Mister! Mister!
(CHUCK MUDRACK opens his eyes and looks at her.)
PINKY BLUESKY
Time to go, mister.
(CHUCK gets up and PINKY takes his hand.)
PINKY BLUESKY
Life is everything, mister, and death is nothing. Life is everything, and death is nothing.
(PINKY leads CHUCK offstage.Then, the entire cast enters for their curtain call, perhaps with “I’ve Got Plenty of Nothing” playing as they take their bows.
END OF THE PLAY
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