Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2007
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 45 minutes.
• style: clown satire
• suitable for general audiences
• 28 characters (16f – 12m) gender-interchangeable
• black-box staging (no set required)
• offers full-cast ensemble scenes as well as small-group episodic scenes
Summary of Script Content:
• “Diamonds and Demons” is the comic tale of an economically distressed small town’s descent into greed and resentment, followed by a painful journey of atonement, which in turn leads to redemption and the restoration of well-being.
(This play was first performed in February, 2003, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
∗Published Online by Good School Plays, March 29, 2018.
Go to:
Act One, Scene 1
Act One, Scene 2
Act One, Scene 3
Act Two, Scene 1
Act Two, Scene 2
Act Two, Scene 3
Act Two, Scene 4
Act Two, Scene 5
Act Two, Scene 6
Act Two, Scene 7
Act Two, Scene 8
Act Three, Scene 1
Act Three, Scene 2
Act Three, Scene 3
Act Four, Scene 1
Act Four, Scene 2
Act Four, Scene 3
CHARACTERS:
MATTY PERM, 80, the old woman.
FERGUS PERM, 76, her husband.
BALDAUR CROMEX, 47, the mayor of Seraphim.
CELESTE CROMEX, 43, the Mayor’s wife.
GLUG, the Drink Demon.
BLOAT, the Food Demon.
CACKLE, the Money Demon.
REVEREND AMELIA BLASTUM, 38
VINCENT STONE, 37, geologist.
POLICE SERGEANT RANDY SLAMMER, 42
POLICE CONSTABLE RICKY FLATT, 28
JEMIMAH SOCKET, 39, owner/operator of Jimmy’s Gas and Go.
WIDGET SOCKET, 10, Jemimah Socket’s daughter.
HORTENSIA LILLYPALE, 72, owner of Meaty-Treat Canned Meat Products.
WANDA LILLYPALE, 37, daughter of Hortensia.
VARNELLA LILLYPALE, 12, granddaughter of Hortensia.
TUCKER BARGUT, 41, unemployed meat worker.
VALLEY BARGUT, 37, taxi driver and Tucker Bargut’s wife.
CRYBABY BARGUT, 10, their daughter.
MARYBELLE KELP, 32, unemployed meat worker.
HONDO KELP, 32, her husband.
DOCTOR CARAMEL DOOMPUMP, 52, general medical practitioner
PROFESSOR HARKWELL P. DOOMPUMP, 57, husband, retired professor of English.
MARY BATTY, undetermined age, town fool.
TAMMY CURLS, 37, owner of Tammy’s Home of Hair beauty salon.
SHAVER CURLS, 11, her son.
JONATHAN MONE, 55, owner of Tuckaway Funeral Home.
VANDRELLA MONE, 49, his wife.
Diamonds and Demons by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 1:
(The cast is gathered onstage, except the three DEMONS and VINCENT STONE, who wait in the wings. On cue, the cast all begin speaking to one another until the MAYOR calls for order.)
MAYOR CROMEX
(rising)
Folks! Folks! Quiet down, now. How are we going to sort this out with everyone babbling like a bunch of cake-munching old gossips at a prayer meeting?
CELESTE CROMEX
Baldaur, for heaven’s sake. Reverend Blastum’s sitting right there!
REVEREND BLASTUM
(rising)
Mayor Cromex, are you suggesting that my prayer meetings are merely gossip sessions?
MAYOR CROMEX
No, no, Reverend Blastum. It was just a figure of speech, a bit of colourful language.
MARY BATTY
You darned liar. I can see your brain right through your head and read it like a book.
REVEREND BLASTUM
Let me remind you, Mayor Cromex, that I am responsible for the spiritual guidance of the good people of Seraphim.
(to the others, coaxing them to sing)
Everyone: “Burning Brightly”, verse one!
FULL CAST
(except the MAYOR and REVEREND, singing together with feeling)
She’s our beacon burning brightly
Through the darkness of the night
She’s the one that fights the good fight
Shining forth her righteous light.
REVEREND BLASTUM
So you see, Mayor Cromex, I am a brilliant beacon burning brightly, not a tiddly little tea candle on a cake being munched by a bunch of gossips.
CELESTE CROMEX
(for the MAYOR’S ears only )
Really, Baldaur, you’ve got things off to a very bad start.
MAYOR CROMEX
(for CELESTE’S ears only)
Sorry, Celeste. I’ll try again.
(to everyone)
Now, we’ve gathered here at the Town Hall to decide what to do about the meat factory.
TUCKER BARGUT
There’s nothin’ to decide. She’s closed down and that’s all there is to it.
MARYBELLE KELP
That’s right. Meaty Treats Canned Meats has closed its doors for the last time, and I’m out of work. How am I gonna feed Hondo if I don’t got no job?
HONDO KELP
I eat a lot.
MARY BATTY
Your husband’s a pig. Always has been, always will be. Just look at his little porky nose.
TUCKER BARGUT
Now, now, Mary, no need to be making more trouble. We got enough as it is.
VALLEY BARGUT
Now Tucker’s not workin’, I got to drive the taxi 24-7, and Crybaby here don’t hardly ever see me.
CRYBABY BARGUT
I miss my mama something fierce. I cries myself to sleep most every night.
FULL CAST
(singing)
Meaty Treats has closed its doors
Our jobs have gone to hell
This town is sinking like a rock
Into a deep dark well.
MAYOR CROMEX
Missus Lillypale, is there no way your meat plant can be re-opened?
HORTENSIA LILLYPALE
I’m afraid no one wants canned meat anymore, Mayor Cromex. The public prefers fresh or frozen flesh.
WANDA LILLYPALE
It’s terribly sad, really. Mother’s Meaty Treats factory kept the town of Seraphim afloat for forty years.
HORTENSIA LILLYPALE
Now I fear our town will sink into the murky depths of obscurity.
MARY BATTY
It’s about time that darned meat factory closed its stinking rotten doors. Nothing worse than rancid meat. Makes a body want to do the old heave-ho.
CELESTE CROMEK
Now, now, Mary Batty, everyone here has seen you gobbling down can after can of Meaty Treats pickled wieners.
CRYBABY BARGUT
That’s ‘cause that’s all there is in the charity box out front of the church.
VALLEY BARGUT
(aside, to CRYBABY)
Hush, Crybaby. Crazy Mary’s givin’ you the eye.
VARNELLA LILLYPALE
Grandmama, what will become of our Lillypale fortune?
HORTENSIA LILLYPALE
It has already melted away like the spring snow, my dear Varnella.
WANDA LILLYPALE
So now we Lillypales are penniless, my darling daughter .
VARNELLA LILLYPALE
Oh, Mama, perhaps we shall have to live in an old wrecked car at the town dump!
JEMIMAH SOCKET
Speaking of cars, business is down to a trickle at my gas station, Mayor Cromex. I’m gonna have to close down if things don’t pick up. My old daddy would be mad as hell if he was alive to see it.
WIDGET SOCKET
Grandpa’s dead and gone, but his old gas station is still here, Mayor Cromex. And it breaks Mama’s heart to see it going broke. Why, just yesterday I saw her crying in the grease pit.
JEMIMAH SOCKET
Now, now, Widget, you don’t got to tell all the folks about me weeping like a baby. Heck, I’m ashamed enough as it is.
TAMMY CURLS
Don’t you be ashamed, Jemimah Socket. We’re all losing business since the meat factory closed down. I haven’t cut a head of hair for a week down at my salon.
MARY BATTY
I’m not lettin’ her blades get anywhere’s close to my precious head!
SHAVER CURLS
Mama’s been crying too, Mrs. Socket. She hunkers right down in one of them special adjustable chairs of hers, eating Kit-Kat bars and sobbing like a baby .
TAMMY CURLS
I’d feel better if I could lie on my tanning bed and give my skin a tune-up, but I can’t afford the electricity.
FULL CAST
(singing)
Meaty Treats has closed its doors
The town is shutting down
And everyone is crying tears
Like lonely sad-faced clowns
JONATHAN MONE
Folks are going to keep on dying like always, and I’m going to have to plant ‘em in the dirt. But who’s going to pay for the funerals if everyone’s broke?
VANDRELLA MONE
(aside to JONATHAN)
My dear, we shall not bury a single soul unless we are paid in full. The bodies can rot in their living rooms for all I care.
MARY BATTY
You’ll never get your hands on my carcass, Vandrella Mone, you ghoul!
MAYOR CROMEX
Mary, if you keep interrupting everyone, I’ll have to ask you to leave.
MARY BATTY
Who made you mayor? I didn’t vote for you. I didn’t vote period. What the heck’s the point? You mayors are all the same. Two bit hustlers trying to rip off us taxpayers.
SERGEANT SLAMMER
Now, Mary, you don’t want to spend the night in the jail again, do you? Constable Flat’s squad car is parked outside, and she’d be happy to haul you down there right now for disturbing the peace.
CONSTABLE FLATT
Do you want to go for a nice ride in my car, Mary? You like to ride in cars.
MARY BATTY
Your car smells like vomit, copper.
REVEREND BLASTUM
In the name of heaven, leave the poor old woman alone. We are all children of the Lord, and he has a special place in his heart for the afflicted.
MARY BATTY
I’m not afflicted, you bible-thumping stubble jumper!
FULL CAST
(singing)
Meaty Treats has closed its doors
And Mary Batty’s ranting
She’s saying lots of crazy things
She’s puffing and she’s panting.
MAYOR CROMEX
Could we please continue with the meeting. We’re not here to discuss Mary Batty. Do you agree, Dr. Doompump?
DOCTOR CARAMEL DOOMPUMP
Quite right, Mayor Cromex. As the town’s physician, I am very concerned about Mary, and everyone else. There has been a marked decline in health since the meat factory closed. Psychosomatic disorders of all kinds are cropping up as people buckle under the stress of this crisis.
PROFESSOR HARKWELL DOOMPUMP
Why, just yesterday my good wife Caramel had to treat old Fergus Perm for a boil on his rump. I daresay the old fellow was simply chanelling his anxiety into a localized eruption of pus in the region of his posterior, in much the same way Moby Dick would erupt out of the ocean like a massive boil on the psyche of Captain Ahab.
CELESTE CROMEX
As much as we appreciate your brilliance as a professor of English, Dr. Doompump, I must remind you that none of us has any idea what you’re talking about.
PROFESSOR HARKWELL DOOMPUMP
Quite so. Quite so. Awfully sorry. I’ve been a bit of a bore, haven’t I?
FERGUS PERM
You was making fun of my boil, Dr. Doompump. I heard you plain as day.
MATTY PERM
Now, now Fergus, don’t get worked up over nothin’. All them words won’t make your boil get any better or any worse. When we get back to the cabin, I’ll make you a nice poultice. You know how much you like a poultice.
FERGUS PERM
A poultice is nice and cool, Matty. It makes me forget my boil. Why, once that poultice is plastered on my rump, I’m good for anything. Heck, I can even dance a jig with one of your poultices in place, cooling my sore boil.
TUCKER BARGUT
What are we gonna do about the meat factory, Mayor Cromex?
VALLEY BARGUT
We can’t sit here all day talking about Fergus Perm’s boil.
HONDO KELP
I’m hungry.
MARYBELLE KELP
What are we gonna do? That’s what I want to know.
JEMIMAH SOCKET
We gotta do something, that’s for darn sure.
TAMMY CURLS
The town’s dying, and all we can do is talk, talk, talk.
JONATHAN MONE
We need action. This town’s darn near as dead as the bodies I embalm.
VANDRELLA MONE
If you elected officials don’t do something, we may as well put this town in a box and bury it.
MARY BATTY
Listen to ‘em hissing and spitting like snakes in a potato sack.
FULL CAST
(singing)
Meaty Treats has closed its doors.
The dark day has arrived.
The mayor must help us make a plan
To help us all survive.
CONSTABLE FLATT
All right, all right, everyone! That’s enough. The mayor’s as pale as a ghost.
SERGEANT SLAMMER
There’s no use shouting your heads off! Doesn’t anyone have a constructive suggestion?
Diamonds and Demons by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 2:
(VINCENT STONE enters.)
VINCENT STONE
Excuse me! Excuse me!
CELESTE CROMEX
Who are you, stranger?
VINCENT STONE
My name is Vincent Stone. I’m a geologist.
SHAVER CURLS
What’s a geologist, Mama?
TAMMY CURLS
Probably some kind of hot-shot salesman from the big city, Shaver.
PROFESSOR HARKWELL DOOMPUMP
No, no, my good woman. He studies rocks.
FERGUS PERM
Not much use studyin’ rocks. Got to pick ‘em up and put ‘em in the wheelbarrow to make way for the vegetables.
MAYOR CROMEX
What brings you to the town of Seraphim, Mr. Stone?
VINCENT STONE
I’m on vacation. I like to get off the beaten path and explore remote rural areas.
REVEREND BLASTUM
We didn’t expect a stranger to attend our meeting, Mr. Stone.
MARY BATTY
Your a sneaky snake, Mr. Stranger. I can see your brain right through your head. Oh yes.
CELESTE CROMEX
Please, Mary, try to be polite for once.
REVEREND BLASTUM
We don’t see many outsiders here in Seraphim, Mr. Stone, and when we do, we get all tense and tingly because the Lord is testing us in some way.
VINCENT STONE
Forgive me, Reverend. I didn’t mean to intrude. I was feeling a bit lonely, and when I saw you all gathered here, I thought perhaps I’d join your celebration.
MARYBELLE KELP
Celebration? Ain’t nothin’ to celebrate around here, Mr. Stone.
VINCENT STONE
I wouldn’t be so sure about that, madam.
MAYOR CROMEX
What do you mean?
VINCENT STONE
I know you’re all upset about the meat factory closing, but I’ve got some good news for you.
HORTENSIA LILLYPALE
How wonderful! Please tell us, my good man.
WANDA LILLYPALE
We have had no good news for months.
VINCENT STONE
Well, I took a look at the land around that run-down old cabin just outside the town.
MATTY PERM
He’s talking about our cabin, Fergus! It’s not our fault it’s kinda beat up, mister. It’s just that Fergus is no good at fixin’ stuff, and I’m too old to patch the roof.
FERGUS PERM
He’s talkin’ about our land, too, Matty. What was he doin’ on our land?
VINCENT STONE
Well, I took one look at your land, and I knew right away I’d found something special.
MATTY PERM
Special?
VINCENT STONE
That land is worth a fortune. I’d stake my reputation on it.
CELESTE CROMEX
A fortune! But it’s just an old bit of swamp!
VINCENT STONE
I’m certain that beneath that swamp you’d find diamonds.
MAYOR CROMEX
Diamonds!
VINCENT STONE
Yes, diamonds. Enough to bring prosperity to this town. Enough to make all of you rich.
FULL CAST
(singing)
Diamonds! Diamonds!
Diamonds near our town!
Diamonds! Diamonds!
Our fortunes have been found!
MATTY PERM
But that land belongs to Fergus and me. It don’t belong to these other folks.
MAYOR CROMEX
You and Fergus can’t mine that land by yourselves. The best thing is for us all to form a mining company, and we’ll help you get those diamonds.
VINCENT STONE
(to MATTY)
Don’t fret, madam. There’ll be plenty of diamonds for everybody. You and your husband will never have to worry about money again.
MATTY PERM
Nope. I’m not gonna do it. That land is stayin’ just the way it is. No one’s gonna go digging it all up, ‘cept for me and Fergus. And we’re just gonna dig in our own little garden, like always.
VINCENT STONE
What you do with the land is your business, not mine. I just stopped by to tell you what’s beneath it. Farewell and best wishes.
(VINCENT STONE exits.)
Diamonds and Demons by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 3:
(The TOWNSFOLK watch VINCENT STONE exit, then turn to look at MATTY and FERGUS.)
FERGUS PERM
Don’t we want them diamonds, Matty?
MATTY PERM
Nope. Them diamonds belong to the land. We don’t need ‘em, and neither does anyone else.
REVEREND BLASTUM
But Mrs. Perm, we’re your neighbours and friends! This is a chance for you to do the Lord’s work by helping us save our town!
CELESTE CROMEX
Don’t you see, Matty? We could all live happily ever after! All you have to do is let us help you mine those diamonds!
MATTY PERM
No. And I’m won’t say it again. I’m not mining them diamonds now or ever. And that’s final.
TUCKER BARGUT
Why, you selfish old she-devil!
VALLEY BARGUT
We should make her give us a share of the land, the ungrateful old bag!
CRYBABY BARGUT
She’s a mean old woman! I hate her!
HORTENSIA LILLYPALE
My husband gave her that land in the first place! And now she won’t share it!
WANDA LILLYPALE
Daddy was going to give the land to me, but I felt sorry for you, Matty Perm, squatting there in that god-awful shack with your half-brained husband!
VARNELLA LILLYPALE
So Mummy talked Grandpa into giving it to you! It’s not fair! You’re a rotten, selfish hag, Matty Perm!
MARYBELLE KELP
You horrible old woman! Give us that land, or we’ll make you suffer!
HONDO KELP
Kill her and that stupid old man and take the land!
DOCTOR CARAMEL DOOMPUMP
You could help so many people, Matty Perm! You are a cruel and stupid woman!
PROFESSOR HARKWELL DOOMPUMP
Even the pig who built the house of bricks was willing to share his abode with the other pigs, Mrs. Perm. You should be ashamed of yourself.
TAMMY CURLS
I used to give you free haircuts, Matty Perm. And now you say you won’t share. Well, you can go straight to hell for all I care.
SHAVER CURLS
Mama, I’ve never seen you get this angry! Mama, you’re talkin’ to Mrs. Perm as if she was the Devil.
JONATHAN MONE
Perhaps she is the Devil, Shaver. Look at her, standing there like some kind of savage beast. And I was going to give her a ten percent discount on her burial when she died!
VANDRELLA MONE
Well, if there’s any justice in the world, she’ll die before sunrise, and then we’ll force her stupid husband to sign a paper giving us all equal shares in that land.
JEMIMAH SOCKET
Now, listen here. If she don’t want to share that land, that’s her business. She’s a mean old goat, but we got no right to something that’s not ours in the first place.
WIDGET SOCKET
Mayor Cromex, you got to say something or these folks will do somethin’ bad!
CONSTABLE FLATT
Don’t worry, Widget. Sergeant Slammer will take care of everything.
SERGEANT SLAMMER
Everyone simmer down, now. Jemimah Socket’s right. That land belongs to Matty Perm and she can do whatever she wants with it. I know she’s not being very neighbourly, but the law is the law.
MAYOR CROMEX
Well, then, that’s that. No point in continuing this meeting. Everyone go on home and try to get some sleep. Maybe Matty will change her mind in the morning.
MATTY PERM
I’m never gonna change my mind. And my will is already written and it says that the land can never be mined. So stick that in your greedy throats, you bunch of hyenas! C’mon, Fergus, we don’t want to stay were we’re not wanted.
(MATTY and FERGUS exit)
CELESTE CROMEX
The meeting’s over, folks.
CONSTABLE FLATT
Everyone go home now.
SERGEANT SLAMMER
Don’t any of you do anything stupid, like whacking that old woman with an axe.
REVEREND BLASTUM
We must accept the judgment of the Lord. The diamonds will remain forever beyond our reach.
(There is a general exit, except for MARY BATTY.)
MARY BATTY
(singing)
I’m just a poor, crazy old woman
But I know a thing or two
The folks think they want diamonds
And now they’re singing the blues
Well, diamonds can’t buy happiness
And diamonds can’t buy love
Diamonds can’t buy a sunny day
Or help from heaven above.
(MARY exits, cackling.)
Diamonds and Demons by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 1:
(FERGUS and MATTY PERM enter.)
MATTY PERM
Why, Fergus, I’m so angry I could rip the skin off a live grizzly bear.
FERGUS PERM
What are you gonna do, Matty?
MATTY PERM
I’m gonna release them demons from the well.
FERGUS PERM
But Matty, you promised your daddy you’d never do that!
MATTY PERM
Daddy’s dead. He don’t care what I do or don’t do.
FERGUS PERM
But your daddy put the demons in the well ‘cause they’re evil, Matty!
MATTY PERM
That’s right. And I’m takin’ ‘em out of the well for the same reason.
FERGUS PERM
What do you mean?
MATTY PERM
I’m gonna send them demons inta town so’s I can get revenge on the townfolk.
FERGUS PERM
Revenge?
MATTY PERM
Revenge. They called me a bag, a hag, a goat, and a devil, just ‘cause I wouldn’t let them get their greedy mitts on my land. Now they’re gonna pay, and pay big. I’m gonna go pull the lid off that well right now.
(MATTY exits.)
FERGUS PERM
I sure hope she knows what she’s doin’.
(GLUG, BLOAT, and CACKLE run in, whooping.)
GLUG
Glug!
BLOAT
Bloat!
CACKLE
Cackle!
ALL THREE DEMONS
Glug, Bloat, and Cackle!
FERGUS PERM
My god, Matty! What have you done!
(He runs off. GLUG, BLOAT and CACKLE run off the other way, yelling and whooping.)
Diamonds and Demons by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 2:
(JONATHAN and VANDRELLA MONE enter.)
JONATHAN MONE
I say we just lock up Tuckaway Funeral Home and head for the city. No use staying here in Seraphim.
VANDRELLA MONE
But we don’t have any money, you silly man.
JONATHAN MONE
Don’t call me a silly man. You’re just as much of a silly man as me.
VANDRELLA MONE
I’m the brains in this marriage, Jonny-boy, and you know it!
(GLUG enters waving a bottle, which hypnotizes the MONES.)
GLUG
You want a little drinky-winky? Glug has lots of drinky-winky for the nice man and woman.
JONATHAN MONE
Urggghhh. Thirsty. Must have drink.
VANDRELLA MONE
Throat is dry. Need a swig. Gimme. Gimme.
(GLUG gives the bottle to JONATHAN who takes a swig; he then gives it to VANDRELLA, who does the same.)
GLUG
That’s right, have a guzzle! Glug likes to give away guzzles of his special goo!
(GLUG snatches back the bottle and runs off cackling.)
VANDRELLA MONE
Jonathan! You look so handsome, so desirable.
JONATHAN MONE
Come here, my little sweety. Let Handsome Johnny give you a hug!
(They try to embrace, but suddenly start to punch and slap themselves.)
VANDRELLA MONE
(giving herself a slap in the head and other blows.)
What the? Owww! Ouch!
JONATHAN MONE
(slapping himself)
Owww! Yow! Oooof!
(JONATHAN and VANDRELLA administer various blows to themselves as both exit, pummeling their own bodies.)
Diamonds and Demons by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 3:
(TAMMY and SHAVER CURLS enter.)
SHAVER CURLS
Will we have to move out of Seraphim, Mama?
TAMMY CURLS
Well, now, Shaver, Mama can’t go on feeding you if she don’t make no money.
SHAVER CURLS
Maybe we could grow vegetables, or collect soda bottles?
TAMMY CURLS
I’m a beautician, Shaver, and a good one. I got my pride.
(CACKLE enters waving a coin. TAMMY is immediately hypnotized, but not SHAVER.)
CACKLE
Have a lovely coin, my pretty! Mmmmmm. Lovely, lovely money!
(TAMMY takes the coin and immediately is obsessed with it, unable to look at anything else.)
CACKLE
And you, my boy, my lucky, lucky little boy. A coin for you, perhaps, hmmmmm?
(CACKLE pushes a coin at SHAVER, but SHAVER doesn’t seem affected.)
SHAVER CURLS
Get away from me, you nasty little man! What have you done to Mama? Get away, I say.
(SHVAER takes a couple of kicks at CACKLE.)
CACKLE
My lovely, lucky boy. Why do you kick at Cackle, hmmmmm? I have coins. Lovely coins.
SHAVER CURLS
You’re a monster, a horrible monster! I don’t want your rotten coins!
(SHAVER swings at CACKLE, and kicks some more.CACKLE runs away, howling like a wolf.)
SHAVER CURLS
Mama! What are you doing?
TAMMY CURLS
(still obsessed with the coin)
My coin! My beautiful, beautiful coin! Oh, how lovely! Let me hold you tight in my fist. No one will ever take you away from me.
SHAVER CURLS
Mama?
(SHAVER tries to touch TAMMY.)
TAMMY CURLS
(shrinking away from him)
Keep away from me, little boy! You want my coin. Don’t come near me. I’ll kill you if you try to touch my coin!
(SHAVER backs away as TAMMY wanders offstage, staring at her coin and humming an odd tune.)
SHAVER CURLS
Mama! She’s gone crazy! That monster did something terrible to her. I got to get help.
(SHAVER exits the opposite way.)
Diamonds and Demons by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 4:
(HORTENSIA, WANDA, and VARNELLA LILLYPALE enter with JEMIMIAH and WIDGET SOCKET.)
JEMIMAH SOCKET
Guess you won’t be bringing your limousine in for oil changes anymore, Mrs. Lillypale.
HORTENSIA LILLYPALE
Goodness, no, Jemimah. I no longer can afford to operate such a luxurious automobile.
VARNELLA LILLYPALE
We don’t have any more money, Mrs. Socket.
WANDA LILLYPALE
Varnella, Mother, and I have been living on leftover tins of Meaty Treats pickled wieners.
WIDGET SOCKET
Well at least you still got your big mansion on the hill, Varnella.
HORTENSIA LILLYPALE
We can’t even afford to heat the building, I’m afraid, Widget.
JEMIMAH SOCKET
Looks like we’re headed for hard times. All we got in our food cupboard is a box of baking powder.
(BLOAT enters waving two biscuits. JIMMY, HORTENSIA, and WANDA immediately become hypnotized.)
BLOAT
See my biscuits? Mmmm, so good! Chewy, chewy, yummy tummy, eat ‘em up and ask for more!
JEMIMAH SOCKET
Yes, a biscuit. Looks mighty good.
(JEMIMAH takes a biscuit)
WIDGET SOCKET
No, Mama! That’s an evil biscuit!
(But it’s too late. JEMIMAH is already chowing down on the biscuit in a frenzy of eating.)
JEMIMAH SOCKET
Mmmmmmm. Mmmphh. Eat it all up. Yummy biscuit. Mmmph. So good!
HORTENSIA LILLYPALE
(staring hard at the other biscuit)
Perhaps you could spare a bit of biscuit for me, Mr. Demon.
WANDA LILLYPALE
And me! How scrumptious they look!
BLOAT
Eat it up and ask for more. Yummy chewy biscuits. Have a chompy chew, my ladies!
(HORTENSIA and WANDA each seize a biscuit and gorge on it.)
HORTENSIA LILLYPALE
How exquisite! Mmmmmm. So scrumptious!
WANDA LILLYPALE
So flavourful, so heavenly.
VARNELLA LILLYPALE
Grandmama! Mummy! That’s a demon biscuit! Please spit it out!
HORTENSIA LILLYPALE
Mmmmm. Chew and swallow. Delicious biscuit.
WANDA LILLYPALE
Mmmm. Swallow every little bit of the yumminess!
BLOAT
(dancing toward VARNELLA and WIDGET)
The little ones want a biscuit, perhaps. Yummy for your little tummies. Nice biscuit, nice firm biscuit for you to chew, chew, chewwwww.
WIDGET SOCKET
Git away from me, demon!
(WIDGET punches and kicks at BLOAT. VARNELLA shrinks back in fear.)
VARNELLA LILLYPALE
Save me from the demon, Widget! Oh, I fear I shall faint!
(VARNELLA staggers.)
BLOAT
Don’t want biscuit, hmmmm? Bloat will find others who do. Yes, many others who love to chew, chew, chewwww.
(BLOAT exits, hullooing like a drunk at a bush party who’s gotten lost in the trees.)
JEMIMAH SOCKET
So hungry. Got to find more food. Any food! Widget, you got that dried crust in your pocket?
WIDGET SOCKET
Yes, Mummy.
JEMIMAH SOCKET
Give it to me. Give it to me now, Widget!
(JEMIMAH is menacing in her intensity.)
WIDGET SOCKET
Here it is Mommy. Please don’t be angry.
(He gives her the crust. JEMIMAH eats it immediately in a loathsome excess of snarling consummation.)
HORTENSIA LILLYPALE
Varnella, I must have food.
WANDA LILLYPALE
Me too, and at once!
HORTENSIA LILLYPALE
(to VARNELLA)
Give me that lollypop you have concealed in your pinafore!
(HORTENSIA grabs the hapless girl and, forcing the lollypop from her, immediately begins to devour it.)
WANDA LILLYPALE
Mother, Mother! Give me a nibble on that candy treat!
(WANDA tries to wrestle the lollipop away from HORTENSIA.)
HORTENSIA LILLYPALE
Keep away from me, you nasty little brat! The lollypop is mine!
JEMIMAH SOCKET
(having already gobbled the crust)
Share that treat with me, you old bat!
(JEMIMAH joins in the struggle for the lollypop.)
VARNELLA LILLYPALE
Widget, we’ve got to do something!
WIDGET SOCKET
Let’s go get help, Varnella! The demons have turned our parents into food-zombies.
(WIDGET and VARNELLA run off.)
JEMIMAH SOCKET
The lollypop’s gone! Want more food, but feel sick. Gonna vomit, but want more food. Stomach burns. Ohhhh, need a wiener. Gonna throw up. Want tater tots. Gonna barf.
(She wanders offstage, alternately expressing disgust and desire.)
HORTENSIA LILLYPALE
I desire a cream cake. Oh dear, my stomach has the collywobbles. Perhaps I shall regurgitate. How I wish I had a fat burrito stuffed with succulent refried beans. My bowels are on fire! Oh, how I want a custard eclair!
(She wanders offstage, muttering in the same way as JEMIMAH.)
WANDA LILLYPALE
Ohhh, my poor belly. It’s heaving like a ship on a stormy ocean. Oh, but I must eat! I crave delicacies, even though I shall puke them up!
(She wanders offstage, muttering like the others.)
Diamonds and Demons by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 5:
(TUCKER and VALLEY BARGUT enter with CRYBABY BARGUT.)
TUCKER BARGUT
How come you’re not drivin’ the taxi, Valley?
VALLEY BARGUT
‘Cause I don’t got money for gas, Tucker. That car don’t run on water, you know.
TUCKER BARGUT
No need to get smart. I was only askin’.
CRYBABY BARGUT
Mummy, Daddy, don’t fight!
(GLUG runs in. TUCKER and VALLEY are immediately hypnotized.)
GLUG
Chug, chug, chug, chug-chug-alug. Drinkies for the greedy guzzle guts!
(GLUG hands the bottle to TUCKER, who takes a swig, then takes it back and hands it to VALLEY, who does the same.)
GLUG
That’s right, a nice long sippy-wippy. Mmmmmm. Good!
CRYBABY BARGUT
No! Mummy, Daddy, that’s a demon bottle!
GLUG
Perhaps the little wiggly kiddly would like a drinky-pooo, hmmmmm?
CRYBABY BARGUT
Get away from me, demon!
TUCKER BARGUT
Hey there, Valley, how about holding hands, honey?
VALLEY BARGUT
Oh Tucker, I don’t mind if I do!
(They try to hold hands, but promptly beat themselves up, exiting in opposite directions.)
GLUG
The elixir of love, oh yes. Mmmmm. Lovely liquid of love!
(GLUG runs offstage.)
CRYBABY BARGUT
I got to get help! That demon is makin’ ma and pa beat themselves up!
(CRYBABY exits.)
Diamonds and Demons by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 6:
SERGEANT SLAMMER and CONSTABLE FLATT enter.
CONSTABLE FLATT
Sure is quiet.
SERGEANT SLAMMER
Yep. Sure is.
(CACKLE enters with two coins. The POLICE become hypnotized.)
CACKLE
Here are coins for the coppers. Nice, nice, shiny, shiny. Let Cackle place them in your copper-bopper handy-wandies, you lucky lawmen!
(CACKLE gives each of them a coin.)
SERGEANT SLAMMER
(fiercely, to CONSTABLE FLATT)
My coin. Keep away from me. You can’t have it. It’s mine, mine, mine. Lovely, lovely money. All mine!
CONSTABLE FLATT
What a wonderful coin! And it’s mine! I’m the luckiest woman alive!
(to the SERGEANT)
Don’t come near me, you thief. Keep away from my coin!
(The POLICE back away from each other and exit.)
CACKLE
Cackle has more coins. I’ll go find some more greedy little people and shove the coins into their greedy little paws!
(CACKLE exits excitedly.)
Diamonds and Demons by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 7:
MARYBELLE and HONDO KELP enter.
HONDO KELP
I’m so hungry! I’m never gonna lose weight and be all muscles like you, Marybelle!
MARYBELLE KELP
You can’t do nothin’ about your genes, Hondo. Your pa was just like you, remember? They had to bury him in a piano case.
HONDO KELP
But I love food, Marybelle! I got to eat real soon or I’ll faint.
MARYBELLE KELP
You not the only one that’s hungry, Hondo, so quit complainin’.
(BLOAT enters….The KELPS are immediately under his spell.)
BLOAT
So easy to feed the biscuits to these fools. Hh yes, they’ll slide the wafers down their gullets without so much as a bleat.
(BLOAT hands them biscuits, which they immediately gobble.)
HONDO KELP
Mmmmmmmm. Want more. Feel sick. Want more. Got cramps. Gotta get more food. Got gas. Got a bloat. Ohhhh! Want meat, want cake. Want greasy fries. Gonna vomit.
(HONDO lurches offstage.)
MARYBELLE KELP
So good! Biscuit from heaven. Guts hurt. Burning and churning. But gotta get more goodies. Ice cream, yogurt, barrel of cheese. Ohhh, gonna spew! More food!
(MARYBELLE exits holding her belly and gagging.)
BLOAT
The sight of suffering belly-packers makes Bloat happy. I’ll find more to feed. Oh, yes, more!
(BLOAT scurries offstage.)
Diamonds and Demons by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 8:
(MAYOR CROMEX and CELESTE enter with the DOOMPUMPS)
MAYOR CROMEX
If only that Perm woman would relent and let us mine those diamonds, our troubles would be over.
CELESTE CROMEX
She’ll never change her mind. You shouldn’t have tried to persuade her so bluntly, Baldaur.
DOCTOR CARAMEL DOOMPUMP
The last time I gave Matty Perm a checkup, she was as healthy as a horse. As long as she lives, we’ll not get our hands on her land.
PROFESSOR HARKWELL DOOMPUMP
Apparently she had a will prepared that donates the land to an environmental group that has promised never to develop it. Like Shangri-La, it will remain forever as it is today a tumbledown swamp with a crumbling cabin.
(GLUG hustles in. The others become transfixed.)
GLUG
Drink from Glug’s bottle, you chug-a-lug charlies. Mmmmm. Lovely liquor. Down the hatch!
(GLUG hands the bottle to each of them. They take deep swigs.)
MAYOR CROMEX
Celeste, your eyes, they’re gorgeous. And your shoulders and hair. Let me touch your hair.
CELESTE CROMEX
(reaching for him)
Oh, Baldaur!
(The MAYOR and CELESTE immediately begin to beat themselves up, and exit in a frenzy of punches and slaps.)
DOCTOR CARAMEL DOOMPUMP
Harkwell, come closer.I want to give you something.
PROFESSOR HARKWELL DOOMPUMP
You’re a voluptuous woman, Caramel, more beautiful than Cleopatra herself.
(The DOOMPUMPS try to embrace and then beat themselves up and exit.)
GLUG
My bottle gives them love pangs, and then they bash their own hides! Glug will find more guzzlers!
(GLUG exits.)
Scene 8
MARY BATTY enters with REVEREND BLASTUM.
REVEREND BLASTUM
Mary Batty, you must pray for forgiveness, for you have sinned!
MARY BATTY
I’ve done no such thing, you self-righteous hypocrite!
REVEREND BLASTUM
I cannot allow you to speak to me that way. I am the minister of Seraphim’s one and only church! You must show me the proper respect!
MARY BATTY
You say you got a direct phone line to God, but you couldn’t even talk Matty Perm into sharin’ them diamonds!
REVEREND BLASTUM
The Lord works in mysterious ways.
MARY BATTY
That’s for darn sure, lettin’ an empty-headed crackpot like you run around callin’ me a sinner.
REVEREND BLASTUM
It’s a good thing for you that the lord is merciful, Mary Batty, for you are an unclean wound on the skin of creation.
MARY BATTY
I’ll take a bite out of your pasty ol’ face, and then you’ll see an unclean wound, you mealy-mouthed bible-thumper!
(VINCENT STONE enters.)
VINCENT STONE
Good day, ladies.
MARY BATTY
Git away from me, ya devil man!
REVEREND BLASTUM
Please excuse her, Mr. Stone. I’m afraid she’s completely mad and beyond redemption.
VINCENT STONE
She doesn’t upset me. I’m more interested in what lies beneath the earth than in what walks upon it.
(CACKLE runs in.)
CACKLE
A nice coin for the parson! Mmmmm, yessssss. Take the lovely money, my pet.
REVEREND BLASTUM
What a dazzling and delightful token of wonderment! It must be sign from above!
(REVEREND BLASTUM takes a coin. CACKLE goes to MARY BATTY)
CACKLE
A coin for the crazy woman?
MARY BATTY
You can take yer coin and stuff it up yer kazoo, you demon!
VINCENT STONE
Back, Cackle. She can’t be tricked.
CACKLE
(shrieking with anger)
Cackle hates the crazy woman! Aiiiiieeeeeeee!
(Writhing and scampering, CACKLE runs offstage.)
REVEREND BLASTUM
What a lovely coin. It’s mine, you know, all mine. A gift from heaven! Don’t come near me! My coin, my lovely, lovely coin. Let me fondle you. Ah yes, comfort me, my coin, comfort me in my hour of need and lead my soul far away from that hateful Mary Batty!
(REVEREND BLASTUM wanders off, humming and staring at her coin. GLUG, BLOAT, and CACKLE enter and crouch
obediently by VINCENT STONE.)
MARY BATTY
You’re the Devil, aren’t you.
VINCENT STONE
I’ve been called worse names than that.
MARY BATTY
Why’d you come to Seraphim?
VINCENT STONE
You know very well why I’m here.
MARY BATTY
I suppose them demons have been messin’ with the townfolk.
VINCENT STONE
That’s their job. Each of us has a job to do, Mary Batty.
(The DEMONS surround MARY.)
MARY BATTY
What do you want from me?
VINCENT STONE
Nothing.
(The DEMONS drag MARY offstage, screaming.)
VINCENT STONE
Soon the children will gather. And then the end will begin.
(VINCENT STONE exits.)
Diamonds and Demons by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Three, Scene 1:
(FERGUS and MATTY PERM enter.)
FERGUS PERM
What do you figure them demons is doin’ right now, Matty?
MATTY PERM
Puttin’ spells on the ones that tormented me at the town hall, Fergus.
FERGUS PERM
What kind of spells?
MATTY PERM
Oh, nothin’ much. Just little spells to make ’em completely helpless so’s they’ll run around like drunk bunnies until they’re dead.
FERGUS PERM
Dead?
MATTY PERM
Yep. Unless someone gets them demons back into the well.
FERGUS PERM
Are you gonna put the demons back in the well, Matty?
MATTY PERM
Heck, no. It ain’t my business to put ‘em back in there.
FERGUS PERM
Then who’s gonna put ‘em in there?
MATTY PERM
How the heck am I supposed to know? Now come on, I’ve boiled up some turnip greens for your supper.
FERGUS PERM
Turnip greens! Now you’re talkin’!
(They exit)
Diamonds and Demons by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Three, Scene 2:
(The four CHILDREN who didn’t take anything from the demons enter. All the TOWNSFOLK who ate, drank, or took a coin enter, consumed by their obsessions, oblivious to one another, enter. They moan and carry on, ad-libbing lines, as the four CHILDREN watch. Then they exit, leaving the four CHILDREN onstage.)
CRYBABY BARGUT
Did you see that? My Daddy and Mommy is beating themselves up something fierce!
VARNELLA LILLYPALE
The whole town has lost its mind! Poor Grandmama! She never did have good digestion. And Mummy is as pale as death!
WIDGET SOCKET
My mama’s got the worst stomachache in the history of planet Earth. Pretty soon we’re all gonna be orphans.
SHAVER CURLS
Mama won’t eat and won’t sleep. All she wants to do is stare at that coin like as if it was the face of God.
CRYBABY BARGUT
What are we gonna do, Shaver?
VARNELLA LILLYPALE
We must try to help them.
WIDGET SOCKET
But them demons is tricky. No way we’re strong enough to fight demons.
SHAVER CURLS
Now hold up a minute. What do demons want?
CRYBABY BARGUT
I dunno. Maybe they want fashionable pants and shirts like normal people.
WIDGET SOCKET
Demons don’t want ordinary pants. They got to wear fireproof clothes.
VARNELLA LILLYPALE
Yes, because they come from a flaming underworld.
SHAVER CURLS
Yeah, from a flaming underworld, so they must work for the Devil. Souls! They want souls!
CRYBABY BARGUT
Shaver, you’re real smart. Did you know that, Shaver? You’re a genius!
SHAVER CURLS
I’m gonna tell you a secret. Last night, I was spyin’ on old Mrs. Perm out at her cabin, and I seen her conjurin’ them demons out of her well.
WIDGET SOCKET
Really, Shaver? You’re not lyin’, are you?
SHAVER CURLS
Cross my heart and hope to die. Now, we got to fool the demons back into that well. Wait here.
(SHAVER exits.)
VARNELLA LILLYPALE
Now what do you suppose he’s up to?
WIDGET SOCKET
I’m scared, Varnella. My poor mama’s dyin’ and demons is runnin’ around tryin’ to get me!
CRYBABY BARGUT
We got to try to be brave, Widget, like them dare-devils in the movies.
(SHAVER enters with a sack full of rocks.)
SHAVER CURLS
I got a sack full of rocks. We just got to pretend these rocks are the souls of everyone in town.
VARNELLA LILLYPALE
Then what, Shaver?
SHAVER CURLS
Here come them demons! Just act natural and do what I tell you!
(GLUG, BLOAT, and CACKLE enter.)
GLUG
A nice fat sack!
BLOAT
A fat heavy sack!
CACKLE
What is in the fat heavy sack, my little ones, hmmmmm?
SHAVER CURLS
Souls! This sack is full of souls!
CRYBABY BARGUT
Yeah, souls! A sack full of souls!
WIDGET SOCKET
We took them from the folks that died. They all died.
VARNELLA LILLYPALE
Look how full the sack is!
GLUG
Give the sack to Glug!
BLOAT
Bloat wants the soul bag!
CACKLE
Come and give the sack of souls to Cackle, my pretties!
SHAVER CURLS
Come and get ‘em!
(SHAVER and the other CHILDREN play “keepaway” with the sack and then run off with the sack, with the DEMONS in hot pursuit.)
Diamonds and Demons by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Three, Scene 3:
(The TOWNSFOLK under the spells of the DEMONS enter, slower now, exhausted, dragging themselves about, clearly close to unconsciousness, babbling incoherently, then drifting offstage. FERGUS and MATTY PERM enter.)
FERGUS PERM
Them was mighty fine turnip greens, Matty.
MATTY PERM
I like to see you eat a hearty meal of vegetables, Fergus. You’re still a fine strong man even if you’re not the prettiest thing I ever saw.
FERGUS PERM
Like I always says, I don’t mind bein’ homely so long as I can have a heap of turnip greens to ease my hungry belly on a hot summer night.
MATTY PERM
Someone’s comin’ up the road. Looks like a bunch of kids, and them demons is right behind them!
(The four CHILDREN enter.)
SHAVER CURLS
Come on, you demons from the flamin’ underworld! You’re goin’ back to where you came from!
(SHAVER and the CHILDREN run offstage as the DEMONS enter.)
GLUG
Give Glug the souls or Glug will bite off your fingers!
BLOAT
Bloat wants the souls! Bloat will beat your heads in!
CACKLE
Souls! Cackle must have them! Cackle will squeeze your little throats ‘til you’re dead!
(The DEMONS run off after the CHILDREN.)
FERGUS PERM
Them kids are throwin’ that sack into the well!
MATTY PERM
And the demons is jumpin’ in after it!
FERGUS PERM
Now the kids is puttin’ the lid on the well.
MATTY PERM
Well, that’s that. I hope them townsfolk have learned their lesson.
(The CHILDREN enter.)
SHAVER CURLS
We’re sorry, Mrs. Perm, but we had to put your demons back in the well.
WIDGET SOCKET
I hope you’re not mad, Mrs. Perm.
CRYBABY BARGUT
We was only tryin’ to save our parents.
VARNELLA LILLYPALE
And my poor old grandmama.
FERGUS PERM
You kids is real brave.
MATTY PERM
Yep. You done real good. Now I got somethin’ for you.
(MATTY exits.)
WIDGET SOCKET
Maybe she’s gone to get her axe!
FERGUS PERM
Oh now, Widget Socket, she’s not gonna whack you with an axe.
(MATTY returns with the sack.)
MATTY PERM
I hauled this up outta the well. Don’t worry, I got the lid back on before them demons could get out again. Here.
(MATTY gives the sack to SHAVER. He looks inside.)
SHAVER CURLS
Diamonds! Them rocks have turned into diamonds!
CRYBABY, WIDGET, and VARNELLA
Diamonds!
FERGUS PERM
Well, isn’t that somethin’!
MATTY PERM
Now you four take this sack and get back to town and call a meetin’. Them folks should be feelin’ better by now. Go along, now. Don’t stand there gawkin’.
SHAVER CURLS
Yes’m, Mrs. Perm. C’mon, you guys! We got to find the mayor!
(SHAVER and the CHILDREN exit.)
MATTY PERM
C’mon, Fergus, we got to go to the meetin’ too.
(MATTY and FERGUS exit.)
Diamonds and Demons by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Four, Scene 1:
(The afflicted TOWNSFOLK stagger in, weak beyond belief, and collapse into unconsciousness.
SHAVER and the CHILDREN run in.)
SHAVER CURLS
Looks like we’re too late. All our parents and neighbours done dragged themselves out into the street an’ laid down and died!
CRYBABY BARGUT
We’re orphans now, Shaver!
WIDGET SOCKET
I don’t got a mama no more!
VARNELLA
No more Mama; no more Granny.
SHAVER CURLS
Wait! I just seen one of ‘em twitch!
CRYBABY BARGUT
They musta been under some kinda spell that’s wearin’ off!
(With tremors and odd movements, the TOWNSFOLK recover, get up, brush themselves off and silently sort
themselves into groups. The children run joyfully to their parents.)
SHAVER CURLS
Mayor Cromex! We got a bag full of diamonds! Let’s go to the Town hall so’s we can tell you all about it!
MAYOR CROMEX
Diamonds, you say? Let me have a look.
(taking the sack and looking inside.)
By heaven, he’s telling the truth. Diamonds! Huge ones!
CELESTE CROMEX
We’re all sort of hungover from the demon spells, but we’re strong enough to hear what Shaver’s got to say. Let’s all get to the Town hall right now!
(All the ACTORS on stage freeze.)
Diamonds and Demons by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Four, Scene 2:
(All the TOWNSFOLK unfreeze and arrange themselves in a large tableau similar to the one in the play’s opening. Only MARY, VINCENT STONE, and the DEMONS are missing.)
SHAVER CURLS
And that’s the whole story, Mayor Cromex! Honest to god!
MAYOR CROMEX
(holding the sack of diamonds)
It’s a miracle, Shaver. There are enough diamonds here to put our town back on its feet in no time.
REVEREND BLASTUM
The Lord has provided, just as I knew He would!
CELESTE CROMEX
But how will we use the money we get for them?
HORTENSIA LILLYPALE
I have a suggestion. I will donate my old meat factory to the town, and you can convert it into a world-class artificial diamond manufacturing plant.
WANDA LILLYPALE
And we can all make and sell artificial diamonds!
FERGUS PERM
Does this mean you’re not gonna try ta take our land away from us?
PROFESSOR HARKWELL DOOMPUMP
No need for that, old chap. We won’t be needing the diamonds buried beneath your swamp.
MATTY PERM
That’s right, Dr. Doompump. The only diamonds you’re ever gonna get from my land is the ones in that sack. Do I have to remind you about them demons?
(There is a general reaction of fear as everyone hurries to reassure MATTY that they don’t need reminding.)
MARYBELLE KELP
I think I speak for all of us, Matty, when I says that we’re grateful for these diamonds, and we’re never gonna ask you for anything else.
(EVERYONE nods, murmurs agreement.)
HONDO KELP
I’m not even gonna ask you for one ‘a them potatoes you grow, Matty, like I always used to.
MATTY PERM
That’s good ‘cause I’d hate like heck to see you explode from ingestin’ one too many spuds, Hondo.
MAYOR CROMEX
And now I suggest that we all go home, have hot baths, and get a good night’s rest.
TUCKER BARGUT
Sounds good. It’s been a heck of a day.
REVEREND BLASTUM
We can thank the good Lord for saving us from tumbling into the frightful gaping jaws of Moloch!
REST OF CAST
Amen!
HONDO KELP
Where’s Mary Batty? Can’t see her nowhere!
JONATHAN MONE
And that geologist, what’s his name, Vincent Stone?
MAYOR CROMEX
Perhaps they’ve run off together!
(There is much laughter at this thought.)
MAYOR CROMEX
Now seriously, folks, it’s time to call it a day. We’ve got lots to do tomorrow.
CELESTE CROMEX
A brave new future!
REVEREND BLASTUM
We’ll build a shining city bathed in the light of the Lord!
REST of CAST
Allelujah!
(EVERYONE exits happily.)
Diamonds and Demons by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Four, Scene 3:
(MARY BATTY enters with VINCENT STONE, who leads her on a rope.)
MARY BATTY
So I got to go with you, Mr. Devil-man?
VINCENT STONE
That’s right, Mary. I’ve got to get something out of this.
CRAZY MARY
You sure had to do a pile of work to get your hands on just one piddly little soul.
VINCENT STONE
Yes. Well, you’re mine, now.
MARY BATTY
Can I ask you somethin’, Mr. Devil-man?
VINCENT STONE
Of course.
MARY BATTY
Why me?
VINCENT STONE
No particular reason. Anyone would do. You’re all sinners. If you want something specific to hang onto, let me remind you about the five dollars you stole from a till in that five and dime store back in 1952.
CRAZY MARY
Darn. I knew I shoulda kept my hands offa that five bucks. Now I’m gonna burn forever.
VINCENT STONE
Oh, now, Mary, I don’t work that way.
CRAZY MARY
I’m not gonna burn forever?
VINCENT STONE
Of course not. You’ll be spending eternity writing scripts for high school acting classes.
MARY BATTY
You really know how to make a soul suffer, don’t you, Mr. Devil-man!
(As VINCENT STONE leads MARY offstage, the rest of the CAST gather onstage, singing as the lights fade.)
CAST
She’s our beacon burning brightly
Through the darkness of the night
She’s the one that fights the good fight
Shining forth her righteous light.
End of the Play.