Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2004
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 45 minutes.
• style: fairy tale clown play
• suitable for general audiences
• 21 characters (14 female, 7 male)
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Filthy Dougie” is a comic fairy tale about an exiled prince who is used by a witch who wants to take control of the Kingdom of Oopsy-Daisy.
(This play was first performed in March, 2004, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
Go to:
Act One, Scene 1
Act One, Scene 2
Act One, Scene 3
Act One, Scene 4
Act One, Scene 5
Act One, Scene 6
Act One, Scene 7
Act One, Scene 8
Act Two, Scene 1
Act Two, Scene 2
Act Two, Scene 3
Act Two, Scene 4
Act Two, Scene 5
Act Two, Scene 6
Act Two, Scene 7
Act Three, Scene 1
Act Three, Scene 2
Act Three, Scene 3
Act Three, Scene 4
Act Three, Scene 5
Act Three, Scene 6
Act Three, Scene 7
CHARACTERS:
Old King Guggle , father of Queen Rotunda
Queen Rotunda of Oopsy-Daisy
Filthy Dougie, Queen Rotunda’s exiled brother
Rumple, Filthy Dougie’s servant
Princess Honeylips, daughter of Queen Rotunda
Princess Sugarnose, daughter of Queen Rotunda
Princess Sweetears, daughter of Queen Rotunda
Lord Fusswimper, Lord High Chamberlain to Old King Guffle
Ballymundo, a witch
Bunch, her apprentice
Rhubarb, her apprentice
Prince Bandy of Chumpland
Poppit, his servant
Prince Clapbottom of Noxia
Ransid, his servant
Giggle, an orphan/beggarchild
Muckypants, an orphan/beggarchild
Dubby, an orphan/beggarchild
Gorfax, a poor peasant
Sorella, a poor peasant
Bundle, a poor peasant
Filthy Dougie by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 1:
(FILTHY DOUGIE enters with RUMPLE)
RUMPLE
You are so bitter, Master.
FILTHY DOUGIE
I am an outcast, Rumple. All outcasts are bitter.
RUMPLE
Just think, you used to be Prince Dougal of Oopsy-Daisy, and now you’re just plain old Filthy Dougie, a common beggar.
FILTHY DOUGIE
Beggar or not, I’m the son of Old King Guffle and the brother of Queen Rotunda!
RUMPLE
You should never have stolen that croissant from your father’s breakfast tray, master.
FILTHY DOUGIE
Shut up, Rumple! I can’t stand it when you rub salt into the wounds of my memories!
RUMPLE
All I’m saying is that you’d still be a prince if you hadn’t been so greedy!
FILTHY DOUGIE
It was just one croissant! One measly, stupid little croissant! How was I supposed to know Daddy would banish me over such a tiny, insignificant bit of pastry?
RUMPLE
In those days, Old King Guffle was a stern man, Master, as everyone but you seemed to understand.
FILTHY DOUGIE
My sister Queen Rotunda enjoyed seeing me cast out of the kingdom. Now, when Daddy dies, she will become the sovereign instead of me.
RUMPLE
Why don’t you seek revenge, Master?
FILTHY DOUGIE
Revenge! That’s the first good idea you’ve had in months, Rumple. But how?
RUMPLE
Get a witch to help you.
FILTHY DOUGIE
Yes, a witch. But surely she will demand payment for her services.
RUMPLE
Promise her a chunk of the Kingdom of Oopsy-Daisy once you become king!
FILTHY DOUGIE
Splendid! They’ll all live to regret the day they branded me “Filthy Dougie” and kicked me out of their lovely little land!
RUMPLE
Come along, Master, come along…we must find a witch!
(They exit. LORD FUSSWIMPER enters.)
LORD FUSSWIMPER
So, Filthy Dougie is planning to get revenge for his banishment by using a witch to take over the kingdom! I must continue to spy on him so I can report my findings to Old King Guffle.
End of Act One, Scene 1.
Filthy Dougie by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 2:
(BALLYMUNDO enters.)
BALLYMUNDO
Now where are those two apprentices of mine. BUNCH! RHUBARB!
(She leans to the left, holding her hand to her ear to listen.)
BALLYMUNDO
I can hear them scuffling about outside the cave, the little scallywags. BUNCH! RHUBARB!
(RHUBARB comes running in.)
RHUBARB
Ballymundo! Ballymundo! Save me! Bunch is trying to kill me!
(She hides behind BALLYMUNDO as BUNCH enters, with a stick.)
BUNCH
Out of my way, Ballymundo! I’m going to give Rhubarb a thrashing!
(She raises her stick as if to strike BALLYMUNDO.)
BALLYMUNDO
(pointing with her wand)
BAZZSPUT! BAZZSPUT!
(BUNCH freezes)
What’s going on, Rhubarb?
RHUBARB
Please don’t be angry, Ballymundo!
BALLYMUNDO
(pointing her wand at RHUBARB’s foot)
WHAT’S GOING ON!
(RHUBARB is jolted by a powerful shock from the wand.)
RHUBARB
(leaping with pain and grabbing her foot)
OWWWW! I’ll tell! I’ll tell! I tried a new spell on Bunch, but I turned her into a vicious, sadistic BULLY instead of a lovely, gentle SHEEP!
BALLYMUNDO
You used the BULLY spell instead of the WOOLLY spell, you little DUMKOPF! Watch and LEARN!
(She points her wand at BUNCH and dances around her, chanting.)
BALLYMUNDO
Bully, bully, become woolly…Bully, bully, be a SHEEP!
(She ends her dance and flourishes her wand. BUNCH becomes a sheep.)
BUNCH
(on all fours, looking around stupidly)
Baaaaa! Baaaaaa! BAAAAAAA! BAAAAA!
(On all fours, BUNCH attacks RHUBARB, and butts her in the belly. RHUBARB goes down.)
BUNCH
I’m the BAAAAA-BADDEST BAAAA-BUTTER in the BAAAA-BAD, BAD FOREST!
RHUBARB
I’m DYING! SAVE ME, Ballymundo!
BALLYMUNDO
(abandoning her wand)
Brute force is called for!
(Tackling BUNCH, BALLYMUNDO rolls her on her back and holds her down.)
BALLYMUNDO
(shouting)
SNAP OUT OF IT, BUNCH!
(BUNCH bucks BALLYMUNDO off, and leaps onto her feet.)
BUNCH
I’m BAAAAAAD! I’m BAAAAAAD!
(BUNCH runs offstage, baaa-ing as she goes.)
RHUBARB
I’m sorry, Ballymundo!
BALLYMUNDO
You little FOOL! Now Rhubarb will create HAVOC in the FOREST! Come along, we must stop her before she DAMAGES my precious MAGIC HERBS!
(BALLYMUNDO grabs BUNCH’s stick and they exit in a panic.)
End of Act One, Scene 2.
Filthy Dougie by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 3:
(FILTHY DOUGIE enters with RUMPLE)
FILTHY DOUGIE
I’m sick of tramping through the forest. We’ll never find a witch, Rumple.
RUMPLE
Courage, Master. I’m sure one will turn up soon.
(At that very moment, BUNCH rushes in, baaa-ing, and attacks FILTHY DOUGIE, butting him over. RUMPLE screams as BUNCH attacks her, butting at her and knocking her down. BALLYMUNDO and RHUBARB enter.)
BALLYMUNDO
(invoking a powerful spell)
DUMPAX! FIXLEDORF! KOKOKAROKO! WULLY/BULLY BEGONE!
(BUNCH collapses. FILTHY DOUGIE and RUMPLE, much shaken, get up and dust themselves off)
RHUBARB
I’m so sorry, kind strangers! It’s all my fault!
BALLYMUNDO
Silence, Rhubarb.
(to FILTHY DOUGIE and RUMPLE)
What are you two doing in the forest?
RUMPLE
Looking for a witch.
RHUBARB
A witch! You’re a witch, Ballymundo!
BALLYMUNDO
I said SILENCE, Rhubarb.
(to FILTHY DOUGIE and RUMPLE)
Why do you want a witch?
(FILTHY DOUGIE is afraid of BALLYMUNDO, and has the “no” feeling.)
FILTHY DOUGIE
Rumple, I have funny feeling in my belly, not to mention several bruises from that beast-thing lying there. Perhaps we should be on our way.
RUMPLE
Master, Master, don’t you want revenge?
BALLYMUNDO
Revenge?
FILTHY DOUGIE
Oh, it’s nothing really….It’s just that I lost my chance to be King of Oopsy-Daisy, that’s all. Now come on, Rumple…we’ve taken enough of the good woman’s time.
RHUBARB
King of Oopsy-Daisy!
BALLYMUNDO
Now, now, don’t be in such a hurry. Perhaps I could help you.
RUMPLE
Oh, please do!
FILTHY DOUGIE
No, that’s all right. I’m happy to continue my squalid existence as a beggar called Filthy Dougie.
BALLYMUNDO
(shrieking)
I AM GOING TO HELP YOU, SO SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP OR I”LL TURN YOU INTO DEER DROPPINGS!
FILTHY DOUGIE
Well, all right, if you insist.
(He sits, as does RUMPLE.)
BALLYMUNDO
Filthy Dougie, I’ll arrange for you to ascend to your rightful place as King of Oopsy-Daisy. Of course, you must pay me for my assistance.
RUMPLE
Tell her what you’ll give her, Master.
FILTHY DOUGIE
(to BALLYMUNDO)
Would a chunk of Oopsy-Daisy do?
BALLYMUNDO
If it’s sizable.
FILTHY DOUGIE
How about a big chunk…say, one third?
BALLYMUNDO
Done!
RHUBARB
How will you help him, Ballymundo?
BALLYMUNDO
I will turn the Royal Family into toadstools. Then, Filthy Dougie can easily grind them into mush beneath his heels and become lord and master of Oopsy-Daisy.
FILTHY DOUGIE
This is rather exciting!
BUNCH
(recovering)
Ohhh, I feel sort of sheepish. Where am I?
RHUBARB
(running to BUNCH)
Bunch! You’re back! I’m sorry I made you into a Wully-Bully Beast.
BUNCH
I remember nothing, Rhubarb.
RHUBARB
Good, because a new adventure is starting! We’re going to take over the Kingdom of Oopsy-Doopsy!
BUNCH
Finally some real action!
BALLYMUNDO
Come along, come along…we must lay the groundwork for our assault on the kingdom.
(They exit and LORD FUSSWIMPER enters.)
LORD FUSSWIMPER
How diabolical! I must hurry to the court of Old King Guffle and warn him! But I won’t tell him about Filthy Dougie’s part in all this.
(He exits.)
End of Act One, Scene 3.
Filthy Dougie by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 4:
(KING GUFFLE, who is blind, enters, led on a rope by LORD FUSSWIMPER)
LORD FUSSWIMPER
The palace looks lovely today, Old King Guffle.
OLD KING GUFFLE
A fat lot of good that does me in my damnable blindness, Lord Fusswimper.
(sniffing)
Something smells bad.
LORD FUSSWIMPER
I have not had a bath for six weeks.
OLD KING GUFFLE
Goodness gracious, man, why not?
LORD FUSSWIMPER
I have been working night and day to save the Kingdom of Oopsy-Daisy, Your Highness.
OLD KING GUFFLE
Save the kingdom? From what?
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Ballymundo.
OLD KING GUFFLE
Bally what?
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Ballymundo the Witch. She wants to turn us all into TOADSTOOLS!
OLD KING GUFFLE
Summon my family! They must be warned!
LORD FUSSWIMPER
(shouting)
FAMILY! FAMILY! KING GUFFLE MUST SPEAK WITH YOU!
(QUEEN ROTUNDA enters with the THREE PRINCESSES.)
QUEEN ROTUNDA
What’s all this shouting about, Lord Fusswimper?
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
I was busy sleeping!
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
I was busy eating!
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
I was busy sleeping AND eating!
QUEEN ROTUNDA
(giving SWEETEARS a hug while SUGARNOSE and HONEYLIPS scowl angrily)
You’ve always been my cleverest daughter, Princess Sweetears.
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
Thank you, Mummy.
LORD FUSSWIMPER
I’m afraid the king has some rather grave news.
QUEEN ROTUNDA
Then be quiet and let him speak for himself. What’s wrong, Daddy?
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
Are you finally going to die, Grandpa?
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
It’s about time.
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
Oh, Grandpa, I will be so sad when you are dead!
QUEEN ROTUNDA
(giving SWEETEARS a hug as SUGARNOSE and HONEYLIPS scowl angrily)
You’ve always been my most compassionate daughter, Princess Sweetears!
OLD KING GUFFLE
My family, Lord Fusswimper says there is a witch called Ballymundo who wants to turn us into toadstools!
(Everyone draws back in fear and horror.)
QUEEN ROTUNDA
Why would she want to do such an evil thing?
LORD FUSSWIMPER
To make the Kingdom of Oopsy-Daisy hers and hers alone.
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
I hate Ballymundo!
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
Chop off her head, Grandpa!
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
Perhaps Ballymundo is just lonely!
QUEEN ROTUNDA
(giving SWEETEARS a hug as SUGARNOSE and HONEYLIPS scowl angrily)
You’ve always been my most insightful daughter, Princess Sweetears!
OLD KING GUFFLE
What should we do, Lord Fusswimper?
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Find a soul-mate for Ballymundo so that she is no longer lonely. Then she’ll forget all about turning you into toadstools.
QUEEN ROTUNDA
But who would marry a witch?
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
They wear shabby rags.
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
And they’re not pretty like me.
PRINCESS SWEATEARS
But they are good cooks.
QUEEN ROTUNDA
(giving SWEETEARS a hug as SUGARNOSE and HONEYLIPS scowl angrily)
You’ve always been my most knowledgable daughter, Princess Sweetears.
OLD KING GUFFLE
Where will we find a soul-mate for Ballymundo, Lord Fusswimper?
LORD FUSSWIMPER
I don’t know.
QUEEN ROTUNDA
Perhaps you could marry Ballymundo, Lord Fusswimper.
LORD FUSSWIMPER
A man of my age could never satisfy the endless physical needs of a witch, Queen Rotunda.
QUEEN ROTUNDA
Princess Honeylips and Princess Sugarnose, it’s a shame you are girls.
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS and SUGARNOSE
(together)
Why, mother?
QUEEN ROTUNDA
If you were boys, I could arrange for Ballymundo to marry one of you, and thus save us all from becoming toadstools.
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
Mother, how could you say such a thing?
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
How cruel you are, Mother!
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
If I was a boy, I’d marry Ballymundo and save the kingdom, Mummy!
QUEEN ROTUNDA
(giving SWEETEARS a hug as SUGARNOSE and Honelips scowl angrily)
You’ve always been my bravest daughter, Princess Sweetears!
OLD KING GUFFLE
We must search for a husband for Ballymundo.
LORD FUSSWIMPER
I shall begin at once, your majesty.
OLD KING GUFFLE
Thank you, Lord Fusswimper. Now come along, everyone, it’s time for our bread and butter sandwiches.
(They exit.)
End of Act One, Scene 4.
Filthy Dougie by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 5:
(PRINCE BANDY and POPPIT enter, dressed in rags.)
POPPIT
Why must we go on the long journey to the Kingdom of Oopsy-Daisy, Prince Bandy?
PRINCE BANDY
I must get Queen Rotunda to marry me, Poppit, my good servant.
POPPIT
Why?
PRINCE BANDY
When my penniless old father dies, I will become King of Chumpland. But Chumpland is poor. I need gold, and Queen Rotunda is rich.
POPPIT
You want to marry her for her gold?
PRINCE BANDY
Of course.
POPPIT
What about love?
PRINCE BANDY
Gold is more important than love.
POPPIT
What if Queen Rotunda does not find you handsome?
PRINCE BANDY
Do you find me handsome, Poppit?
POPPIT
Well….I suppose you do have a handsome left nostril.
PRINCE BANDY
You see? A prince with a good-looking left nostril is a fine catch for a wealthy queen. Now come on, our journey is long and I am impatient.
(He leaps on POPPIT’s back, and she piggy-backs him offstage.)
End of Act One, Scene 5.
Filthy Dougie by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 6:
(PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM enters with RANSID. Both are in bad health.)
RANSID
Why must we go on the long journey to the Kingdom of Oopsy-Doopsy, Prince Clapbottom?
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
I must get Queen Rotunda to marry me, Ransid, my good servant.
RANSID
Why?
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
When my sick old father dies, I will become King of Noxia, but Noxia is a toxic kingdom. I need a healthy wife, and Queen Rotunda is healthy.
RANSID
You want to marry her for her good health?
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
Of course.
RANSID
But what about love?
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
Good health is more important than love, Ransid. I must produce a healthy baby who will become the future ruler of Noxia.
RANSID
What if Queen Rotunda thinks you are too sickly, Prince Clapbottom?
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
Do you think I’m too sickly, Ransid?
RANSID
Well….I suppose your right ear is healthy.
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
You see? A prince with a healthy right ear is a fine catch for a healthy queen. Now come on, our journey is long, and I am impatient.
(PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM leaps on RANSID’s back, and RANSID piggy-backs him offstage.)
End of Act One, Scene 6.
Filthy Dougie by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 7:
(GIGGLE, MUCKYPANTS and DUBBY enter.)
GIGGLE
I’m tired of being an orphan, Muckypants and Dubby. I want a mummy and daddy.
MUCKYPANTS
Me too, Giggle. I don’t like begging for bits of bread and sleeping on a heap of leaves in a hole in the ground.
DUBBY
It’s too bad our parents got killed when that tree fell on them in a thunderstorm.
GIGGLE
No one wants us because Mummy and Daddy were thieves.
MUCKYPANTS
They think we’re thieves too. That’s why they beat us with sticks and chase us out of their villages.
GIGGLE
And we are thieves. But we’ve got to steal to stay alive.
DUBBY
There must be a way to get somebody to let us be their darling children.
MUCKYPANTS
Maybe we could find someone who is very, very lonely.
GIGGLE
Yes! Someone who is desperate for children to keep her company!
DUBBY
But who? We don’t know anyone who’s lonely.
GIGGLE
There’s that old witch Ballymundo.
DUBBY
But witches are vicious tricksters, Giggle!
GIGGLE
That’s why she’s perfect!
MUCKYPANTS
Yes, if she was our Mummy, no one would dare to be mean to us ever again.
DUBBY
Ballymundo already has those two apprentices Rhubarb and Bunch. Why would she want us?
GIGGLE
I’ve heard that Rhubarb and Bunch are grotesque and stupid.
DUBBY
We’re not very attractive either, Giggle.
MUCKYPANTS
But we’re not stupid, Dubby. We’d be better apprentices than Rhubarb and Bunch.
GIGGLE
All we have to do is get rid of Rhubarb and Bunch and get Ballymundo to make us into her new apprentices!
DUBBY
What do you mean “get rid of them”?
GIGGLE
Eliminate them. Do them in.
DUBBY
Do them in! That’s a lot worse than stealing!
GIGGLE
It’s the only way.
DUBBY
Couldn’t we just ask them to go away?
MUCKYPANTS
Don’t be silly, Dubby. Why would they just “go away”?
DUBBY
Won’t Ballymundo be upset with us for killing her apprentices?
GIGGLE
She’s a witch! Witches enjoy acts of evil.
DUBBY
Murder is the most evil thing of all.
MUCKYPANTS
It’s not murder, Dubby. Those apprentices aren’t even human. Besides, we’ve got to do it if we want to survive through winter.
GIGGLE
Muckypants is right. Last winter almost killed us. We must get rid of Rhubarb and Bunch.
MUCKYPANTS
Then we’ll be able to stay in Ballymundo’s nice warm cave and eat stew from her cauldron.
GIGGLE
Come on…let’s find somewhere secret where we can plan the end of Rhubarb and Bunch.
End of Act One, Scene 7.
Filthy Dougie by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 8:
(GORFAX, SORELLA, and BUNDLE, who is lame and walks with a stick, enter.)
SORELLA
Gorfax, when will you marry me?
GORFAX
When I’ve saved enough copper pennies, Sorella.
BUNDLE
Gorfax, why don’t you marry me instead of my sister. I’m a better cook.
GORFAX
I would marry both of you, Bundle, but then they would hang me by my toes in the village square because it’s against the law.
SORELLA
What sort of sister are you, Bundle, chasing after Gorfax when I saw him first? Find your own man.
GORFAX
Perhaps you could come and live with us, Bundle. I’d let you stay in my hut if you promised to do all the cooking and cleaning.
BUNDLE
That wouldn’t be fair, letting Sorella have the pleasure of being your wife while I work like a slave cooking your meat and cleaning your woolly underpants!
SORELLA
Gorfax, I don’t want Bundle to live with us. We must find a husband for her, or she’ll never leave us alone.
GORFAX
But where will we find a husband for her?
BUNDLE
No one wants me because I’m lame.
GORFAX
Who would take her?
SORELLA
Perhaps a witch could cure your lame leg, Bundle.
BUNDLE
But witches are vicious tricksters.
GORFAX
(to SORELLA)
And we’d have to pay a witch with the copper pennies I’m saving for our marriage.
SORELLA
(to GORFAX)
Bundle could work for the witch for a year in exchange for a cure.
BUNDLE
I don’t want to work for a witch.
SORELLA
Do you want to find a man who will marry you, or do you want to live a long, lonely life as a lame old woman no one wants?
BUNDLE
But what if the witch does something terrible to me?
GORFAX
Like what?
BUNDLE
Like turning me into a donkey or a snake?
SORELLA
Then you won’t have to worry about getting married anymore.
GORFAX
You would be more attractive if your leg was better, Bundle.
BUNDLE
Where are we going to find a witch?
SORELLA
There’s one called Ballymundo who lives in the forest. We’ll go and see her at once.
BUNDLE
Oh dear, I hope she has at least a shred of kindness in her heart.
SORELLA
Pull yourself together, sister, and do what has to be done.
(They exit.)
End of Act One, Scene 8.
Filthy Dougie by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 1:
(BALLYMUNDO enters with BUNCH and RHUBARB.)
BUNCH
Where’s Filthy Dougie and his servant, Ballymundo?
BALLYMUNDO
Sleeping. I put a potion into their broth.
RHUBARB
Do you think Filthy Dougie is really Prince Dougal of Ooopsy-Daisy, Ballymundo?
BALLYMUNDO
Of course. He’s got the mark.
BUNCH
What mark?
BALLYMUNDO
A mole in the shape of a donkey on his left buttock.
RHUBARB
You looked at his buttock?
BALLYMUNDO
An unpleasant necessity. I had to be sure.
BUNCH
When we get a piece of the Kingdom of Oopsy-Daisy, will you let me and Rhubarb rule a little bit of it, Ballymundo?
BALLYMUNDO
What do you mean “a piece of the Kingdom”?
RHUBARB
Didn’t you agree to take a third of the Kingdom in exchange for your help?
BALLYMUNDO
Ha, ha, ha, you little FOOLS! Why should I take a piece of Oopsy-Daisy when I can have THE WHOLE THING!
BUNCH
But how?
BALLYMUNDO
Watch and learn, my little idiots, watch and learn…Ballymundo is the QUEEN of DECEIT and DECEPTION!
(FILTHY DOUGIE enters with RUMPLE.)
BALLYMUNDO
Ah, Filthy Dougie, did you have a nice sleep?
FILTHY DOUGIE
Delightful, Ballymundo. Your dandelion fluff mattress is as soft and warm as an oriental zephyr.
RUMPLE
Though it smells a bit like sheep droppings.
FILTHY DOUGIE
Ballymundo, do you think you could call me “Prince Dougal” instead of “Filthy Dougie”? After all, I shall soon be King of Oopsy Doopsy.
BALLYMUNDO
Don’t get ahead of yourself, Filthy Dougie. You have done nothing to earn the title “Prince”, let alone “King”.
RUMPLE
She’s right, Master. All you’ve done is eat and sleep.
FILTHY DOUGIE
I am recovering my strength, Rumple, so that I can rule Oopsy-Daisy with a fist of iron.
RHUBARB
You do look well, Filthy Dougie, like the sort of man who could command the respect of his followers.
FILTHY DOUGIE
Yes, well….
BUNCH
You have the physique of a warrior, Filthy Dougie…the people of Oopsy-Daisy will surely fear you and obey you without question.
FILTHY DOUGIE
(doing a few flexes)
I’ve always felt my musculature was a cut above the ordinary.
RUMPLE
But Master, you know you are a small man of limited physical and mental ability.
FILTHY DOUGIE
Don’t rain on my parade, Rumple. The future beckons, and I must heed its siren call. By the way, Ballymundo, I’m quite taken with that mock palace you’ve constructed in the forest. It’s much like my old home.
BALLYMUNDO
It was hard work casting the spells to make that castle, Filthy Dougie.
FILTHY DOUGIE
I don’t doubt it. Why, it’s so lifelike I could move in there and pretend to be the King of Oopsy-Daisy, and it would be almost as good as the real thing.
BALLYMUNDO
Do not crave illusions, Filthy Dougie…they do not nourish the soul.
FILTHY DOUGIE
Oh, I don’t know…I enjoy a good fantasy now and then.
BALLYMUNDO
Shouldn’t you be planning your future as king instead of entertaining yourself with fantasies?
FILTHY DOUGIE
Oh, don’t be such a dry old witch, Ballymundo. Loosen up. How’d you like a bit of a tickle?
(He goes to BALLYMUNDO and tries to tickle her. BALLYMUNDO places a hand on his shoulder and he has a massive spasm, and goes down screaming.)
FILTHY DOUGIE
Ahhhhhhhh! The pain! Make it stop! Make it stop!
(BALLYMUNDO claps her hands and FILTHY DOUGIE stops screaming and gets up holding his shoulder.)
BALLYMUNDO
Do not toy with me, Filthy Dougie, or I will abandon you just as your father did.
FILTHY DOUGIE
(rubbing his sore shoulder)
All right, Ballymundo, I’ll co-operate. Forgive my meagre attempt at playfulness.
RUMPLE
What must we do next, Ballymundo?
BALLYMUNDO
You and Filthy Dougie must practice infiltrating the mock palace I have constructed in the forest.
RUMPLE
When we get good at it, will you let us infiltrate the real palace?
BALLYMUNDO
Yes…you will sneak into the real palace and put the toadstool potion into the Royal Family’s breakfast croissants.
RUMPLE
Croissants! It was a croissant that cost Filthy Dougie his title as prince and sent him into exile!
BALLYMUNDO
SHUT UP! I don’t CARE about THAT! If you doubt my methods, Rumple, I will have to…re-educate you, so to speak.
(At the word “re-educate”, BUNCH and RHUBARB draw back in fear.)
RUMPLE
No, no, I do not doubt your methods…it was silly of me to mention the croissant incident.
BALLYMUNDO
That’s better. Now take Filthy Dougie and start practicing your infiltration techniques.
RUMPLE
As you wish, Ballymundo.
(She exits with the silent and chastened FILTHY DOUGIE, who is still rubbing his shoulder.)
BUNCH
Do you think Rumple suspects you, Ballymundo?
BALLYMUNDO
Perhaps. I will do her in with an axe when the right time comes.
RHUBARB
With an axe! I wonder what her brains will look like when her skull is split wide open?
BALLYMUNDO
Hmmmm…perhaps like volcanic lava, only soft.
(Ruminating at the thought of it, they exit.)
End of Act Two, Scene 1.
Filthy Dougie by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 2:
(PRINCESS HONEYLIPS and PRINCESS SUGARNOSE enter.)
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
I hate Ballymundo for planning on turning us all into toadstools.
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
I hate Mummy for saying she would make one of us marry Ballymundo if we were boys.
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
I hate Sweetears for saying she’d marry Ballymundo if she was a boy.
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
Mummy loves Sweetears more than she loves us.
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
I wish Sweetears was gone forever.
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
I wish Mummy was gone too.
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
I wish they’d both get turned into toadstools.
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
If we could get some toadstool potion, we could poison Sweetears and Mummy, turn them into toadstools, and blame it on Ballymundo!
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
What a good idea! But where could we get some potion?
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
From Ballymundo….we could find out where she lives, then sneak into her cave and steal a thimbleful.
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
That sounds awfully dangerous.
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
But it would be worth it just to get rid of Mummy and Sweetears.
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
Then let’s do it. But how will we find out where Ballymundo lives?
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
Lord Fusswimper knows. We’ll get him to tell us by flirting with him.
(LORD FUSSWIMPER enters.)
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
Lord Fusswimper, we were just talking about you!
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
Have you found a soul-mate for Ballymundo yet?
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Not yet. But I won’t give up until I find one.
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
You’re such a determined man, Lord Fusswimper…I admire a man who is determined.
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
And you are a very handsome man, too, Lord Fusswimper. My pulse races whenever I see you.
LORD FUSSWIMPER
It does?
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
Yes, it does.
(going to him and running her finger up his sleeve)
I bet you could teach a young girl a thing or too about…..pleasure.
(Like an oriental zephyr, she breathes in his ear.)
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Princess Sugarnose, I am old enough to be your father.
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
(going to him and taking his arm)
Princess Sugarnose and I admire mature men, Lord Fusswimper. You could teach us so much about love.
LORD FUSSWIMPER
(running his finger around his collar to loosen it in his excitement)
I say!
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
You’re a very clever man, Lord Fusswimper. You know so much about everything…
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Yes, well, I have learned a thing or two over the years…a thing or two.
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
For instance, you know where Ballymundo lives, but Princess Sugarnose and I have no idea where that could be!
(She draws her hand over his cheek.)
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
Princess Honeylips, do you think Lord Fusswimper could tell us where Ballymundo lives?
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
Oh, I’m sure he could…couldn’t you Lord Fusswimper?
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Well, I suppose it would do no harm…
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
No harm at all, you fine, strong man…
LORD FUSSWIMPER
She lives in a cave by the Great Waterfall in the forest by the Mountain of Despair.
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
There, that wasn’t so painful, was it? Mmmmmm, I love new knowledge, don’t you, Princess Sugarnose?
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
Absolutely, Princess Honeylips! Oh my! It’s time for our baths! Bye, bye, Lord Fusswimper…
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
We’d let you join us, but Grandpa would chop your head off if he caught you frolicking with us in the royal pool!
(They exit.)
LORD FUSSWIMPER
The little fools, thinking they could outwit an old fox like me! Now, I must set off again in search of a soul-mate for Ballymundo.
(He exits.)
End of Act Two, Scene 2.
Filthy Dougie by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 3:
(QUEEN ROTUNDA enters with PRINCESS SWEETEARS.)
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
Oh, Mummy, I’m so worried about that awful Ballymundo. What if she succeeds in turning us into toadstools?
QUEEN ROTUNDA
Don’t fret, Sweetears, Mummy will take care of you.
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
Promise?
QUEEN ROTUNDA
Of course. Haven’t I always given you everything you’ve wanted?
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
Yes, but can you give me the thing I really want?
QUEEN ROTUNDA
What’s that?
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
To become Queen of Oopsy-Daisy after you….die.
QUEEN ROTUNDA
But you’re the youngest of my daughters…Princess Honeylips will become Queen when I die.
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
I’d be a much better queen than Honeylips.
QUEEN ROTUNDA
I know, dear, but we can’t change the rules.
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
What if something awful happens to Honeylips, and she dies?
QUEEN ROTUNDA
Then Princess Sugarnose would become Queen.
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
And if something awful happens to Sugarnose?
QUEEN ROTUNDA
Then you would become Queen.
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
Mummy, Honeylips and Sugarnose would ruin the kingdom! Make something awful happen to them so I can become Queen.
QUEEN ROTUNDA
But they’re my daughters, Sweetears, just like you.
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
But you don’t love them.
QUEEN ROTUNDA
I suppose I don’t. They’re both horrible girls. I can hardly believe they came out of my womb.
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
Perhaps they didn’t.
QUEEN ROTUNDA
What do you mean?
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
Perhaps Ballymundo put a spell on you to make you think they came out of your womb.
QUEEN ROTUNDA
Hmmmmm. Go on.
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
Maybe Ballymundo switched your real babies with witch-babies so that Ballymundo could use them against us somehow.
QUEEN ROTUNDA
That makes sense. Perhaps Ballymundo took my real babies and threw them off a cliff!
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
Honeylips and Sugarnose are witch children…it’s obvious…just look at them, all ugly and sneaky and awful.
QUEEN ROTUNDA
Yes, you must be right. I will find a way to destroy them and save the kingdom so that you can become Queen, my darling Sweetears, my only true child!
(OLD KING GUFFLE enters, feeling his way in his blindness.)
QUEEN ROTUNDA
Father, how nice to see you!
OLD KING GUFFLE
If only I could see you, my daughter, I would embrace you!
QUEEN ROTUNDA
Your embrace is somewhat crushing, Father.
OLD KING GUFFLE
Yes, but ever since I’ve become blind, I’ve felt myself becoming much kinder and gentler.
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
Grandpa, I love you so much!
OLD KING GUFFLE
Ah, my precious granddaughter Sweetears. How I love to hear your innocent young voice.
QUEEN ROTUNDA
Father, do you recall anything strange about the birth of Princess Honeylips and Princess Sugarnose?
OLD KING GUFFLE
Both births took place in the middle of blizzards, Rotunda, as I recall, and everything was very dark. We could not even get a candle to stay lit. You screamed as you gave birth, and then the storm stopped and we were able to light the lamps again.
QUEEN ROTUNDA
Do you think Ballymundo had something to do with the blizzards, and the lights not working?
OLD KING GUFFLE
I have often thought something unnatural happened, Rotunda, but I didn’t want to mention it. After all, it’s best not to question the ways in which evil work, or else you get burned by the dark forces.
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
Just like your eyeballs, Grandpa…all burned out because you sometimes did mean things.
OLD KING GUFFLE
Yes, I used to be rather mean. How I wish I could go back in time and fix my awful choices.
QUEEN ROTUNDA
You could do something right now, Father.
OLD KING GUFFLE
And what is that, Rotunda?
QUEEN ROTUNDA
Banish Princess Honeylips and Princess Sugarnose from the Kingdom.
OLD KING GUFFLE
But they are your children.
QUEEN ROTUNDA
No. They are witch-babies, the spawn of Ballymundo. I am certain of it.
OLD KING GUFFLE
No wonder they are so bitter and grumpy. Very well, I shall banish them, if that is what you wish, Rotunda.
QUEEN ROTUNDA
With all my heart.
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
You won’t regret it, Mummy.
OLD KING GUFFLE
Where are they, then?
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
I saw them walking off into the forest towards the Great Waterfall by the Mountain of Despair.
OLD KING GUFFLE
Then we must follow them to the Great Waterfall, and tie them to two trees and leave them there, just as we once left Prince Dougal tied to a tree. How sad that so many in my family have turned out to be rotten. Help me…the journey will be hard.
(They exit, assisting the blind king.)
End of Act Two, Scene 3.
Filthy Dougie by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 4:
(PRINCE BANDY and POPPIT enter. POPPIT is piggy-backing PRINCE BANDY.)
PRINCE BANDY
Take five, Poppit.
POPPIT
(letting PRINCE BANDY down)
Phew! That’s hard work, Prince Bandy, especially over the mountains.
PRINCE BANDY
You’re paid well to do it.
POPPIT
I suppose so. Not very many people from Chumpland earn a crust of bread and a turnip each day.
PRINCE BANDY
Yes, I’m a generous prince, Poppit. If had more to give, I would do it, and gladly.
POPPIT
I know. Perhaps after you marry Queen Rotunda, you will be able to give me two crusts of bread, a turnip, and a carrot each day.
PRINCE BANDY
Don’t get greedy. And besides, I have yet to meet Queen Rotunda and woo her. Perhaps she will reject me.
POPPIT
No, don’t say that, Prince Bandy….
PRINCE BANDY
No, no…I realize that I am not as handsome as I pretend. One good left nostril may not be enough to convince Queen Rotunda that I am a desirable fellow who can help her achieve some degree of ecstasy in the royal bed.
POPPIT
Perhaps in the dark, when she cannot see you, she will be more easily persuaded that you are man enough for her.
PRINCE BANDY
The truth is, Poppit, I’ve never been with a woman. I have no experience at all. What chance do I have with a queen who has already had three children with a man who had a reputation as an unrepentant baby-maker.
POPPIT
But her husband died of a heart attack, they say, while sporting with a cook!
PRINCE BANDY
Exactly. All I’ve ever sported with is the demons of this accursed poverty!
POPPIT
Cheer up, Prince Bandy! Perhaps Queen Rotunda will find you amusing, if nothing else.
(LORD FUSSWIMPER enters.)
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Ah, good morrow kind sir and kind madam! Welcome to the Kingdom of Oopsy-Doopsy.
PRINCE BANDY
Then we have crossed the border?
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Indeed you have. I take it you’re from Chumpland?
PRINCE BANDY
Yes…two weary travellers from Chumpland.
LORD FUSSWIMPER
I am Lord Fusswimper, Lord High Chamberlain to Old King Guffle.
(producing a medallion)
This is the Royal Seal of Oopsy-Doopsy.
POPPIT
(inspecting the seal)
It looks real enough.
PRINCE BANDY
Why are you alone? Isn’t it dangerous?
LORD FUSSWIMPER
No, no…I am experienced in the forests and mountains…I once was a…forester.
PRINCE BANDY
I’m Prince Bandy of Chumpland…this is my servant Poppit.
LORD FUSSWIMPER
What brings you hither, Prince Bandy?
POPPIT
He wants to get married, your excellency.
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Does he!
PRINCE BANDY
Poppit, let me speak for myself. Sir, I am here on a formal visit to seek the hand in marriage of your Queen Rotunda.
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Marriage is a noble institution, no matter who the lucky woman might be.
PRINCE BANDY
Yes, but I don’t want just any woman…I want Queen Rotunda.
LORD FUSSWIMPER
And perhaps you shall have her….with my help.
POPPIT
Prince Bandy, may I speak to you a moment?
PRINCE BANDY
(going over to her)
For heaven’s sake, Poppit, what is it?
POPPIT
(speaking confidentially)
I don’t trust that Lord Fusswimper.
PRINCE BANDY
Why not?
POPPIT
I don’t know.
PRINCE BANDY
Poppit, I won’t let you ruin a perfectly good opportunity to advance myself.
POPPIT
All right then, go ahead and get yourself in trouble. See if I care.
(She turns her back on him.)
PRINCE BANDY
(going back to LORD FUSSWIMPER)
Now, where were we, Lord Fusswimper?
LORD FUSSWIMPER
I was saying I could help you woo and win Queen Rotunda.
PRINCE BANDY
Fabulous! What must I do?
LORD FUSSWIMPER
You must be prepared to defeat in battle anyone else who seeks Queen Rotunda’s hand in marriage.
PRINCE BANDY
There are others?
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Queen Rotunda is a very desirable woman, Prince Bandy, with a kingdom for a dowry.
PRINCE BANDY
But I’ve never fought with anyone. I’m a lover, not a fighter.
POPPIT
Ha!
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Never mind. I’m sure your love for Queen Rotunda will inspire you to defeat your rivals.
PRINCE BANDY
Very well. I’ll do it! After all, I don’t want something for nothing.
POPPIT
Ha!
PRINCE BANDY
Poppit, stop saying, “Ha!” It’s rude.
POPPIT
Ha!
LORD FUSSWIMPER
(pulling a bit of parchment from his pocket)
Now, Prince Bandy, here is a map that shows you the location of the Great Waterfall by the Mountain of Despair. Go there at once, and prepare to face your rivals!
PRINCE BANDY
(taking the map)
Right! I’m off! Poppit, prepare to be mounted!
POPPIT
You know I don’t like it when you say “prepare to be mounted”….it sounds vulgar.
PRINCE BANDY
Oh, very well….Poppit, please let me ride on your back!
POPPIT
That’s more like it. Come along, my cheeky young prince.
(PRINCE BANDY climbs aboard her back, and they exit.)
LORD FUSSWIMPER
That was easy.
(He exits.)
End of Act Two, Scene 4.
Filthy Dougie by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 5:
(PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM, piggy-backed by RANSID, enter.)
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
You may rest for a moment, Ransid.
RANSID
(setting PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM down)
Thank you, Prince Clapbottom. I’m exhausted. Running up those mountains and sliding down those cliffs was hard work.
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
Just be thankful you have good health. You are the only healthy servant in all of Noxia.
RANSID
Sometimes I wish I was sick like you, just so I wouldn’t have to work so hard.
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
Nonsense, Ransid. I’m a pathetic mess of a man. My muscles are flabby, my teeth are falling out, and I have chronic diarrhea.
RANSID
Yes, your diarrhea. That’s another reason why I don’t fancy giving you piggy-back rides, Prince Clapbottom.
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
Frankly, Ransid, I don’t think I have much of a chance to win the heart of Queen Rotunda. All I have to offer is one healthy ear.
RANSID
At least you will be able to listen to her…women like that.
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
Do they, Ransid? I hope so, because that’s about all I’ll be able to do. I certainly won’t be able to perform in the bedroom, due to my accursed impotence.
RANSID
It would be best not to mention your impotence to Queen Rotunda, Prince Clapbottom. At least, not until you’re married.
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
This is all rather ridiculous. Here I am, seeking the hand in marriage of a healthy woman so I can have healthy children, and I can’t even make love like a normal man.
RANSID
Perhaps Queen Rotunda’s beauty will stimulate you to action, Prince Clapbottom.
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
I wonder if she will find me handsome?
RANSID
Perhaps in low light, so she can’t see your pasty skin and many nasty sores and pustules.
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
(with deep sarcasm)
You certainly know how to give a man confidence, Ransid.
(LORD FUSSWIMPER enters.)
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Good morrow, sirs. What brings you to the Kingdom of Oopsy-Doopsy?
RANSID
And who might you be?
LORD FUSSWIMPER
I am Lord Fusswimper, Lord High Chamberlain to Old King Guffle.
(producing his medallion)
Here is the Royal Seal.
RANSID
(inspecting the medallion)
It appears to be bonafide.
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
I am Prince Clapbottom of Noxia. I come to seek the hand in marriage of Queen Rotunda.
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Prince Clapbottom! How fortunate you have arrived. The Queen yearns for a man.
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
Did you hear that, Ransid? She yearns for a man!
RANSID
For a man, Prince Clapbottom…you don’t quite match the job description.
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Oh, come now, Ransid, he looks like a suitable specimen…providing he can defeat his competitors in battle.
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
Competitors? Battle? What do you mean?
LORD FUSSWIMPER
There is at least one other seeking the Queen’s hand in marriage.
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
But I’m too sickly to fight!
RANSID
Cheer up, Prince Clapbottom…perhaps your rival is a weakling as well.
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
Oh, shut up, Ransid. You’re no help at all.
LORD FUSSWIMPER
I’m sure you’ll do fine, Prince Clapbottom.
(producing another piece of parchment from his pocket)
Here is a map showing the location of the Great Waterfall near the Mountain of Despair. Go there and wait. You will soon face your rivals, and I’m sure you’ll be much more successful than you think.
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
I certainly hope so. But my legs feel like jelly and heart is pumping like mad. Quickly, Ransid, let me climb on your back! Take me to the Great Waterfall!
(He climbs aboard RANSID’S back, and they exit.)
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Such gullibility! It is almost too easy.
(He exits.)
End of Act Two, Scene 5.
Filthy Dougie by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 6:
(MUCKYPANTS, GIGGLE, and DUBBY enter.)
DUBBY
Do you really think we’ll be able to throw Rhubarb and Bunch down Ballymundo’s well, Giggle?
GIGGLE
Of course, Dubby. It will be easy. We’ll lure Rhubarb and Bunch out of Ballymundo’s cave in the middle of the night, then grab them and chuck them down the well.
MUCKYPANTS
But how will we lure them out of the cave, Giggle?
GIGGLE
You will sing a pretty song, Muckypants, and Rhubarb and Bunch will think a lovely bird has come to visit them. Ballymundo won’t hear it…she’s a witch and is blind and deaf to beauty.
MUCKYPANTS
I can’t sing a note.
DUBBY
You’re a better singer than we are, Muckypants.
MUCKYPANTS
What will I sing?
GIGGLE
Just make high-pitched sounds, like a songbird…perhaps you could whistle.
DUBBY
Do I have to help throw Rhubarb and Bunch into the well?
GIGGLE
Yes. Don’t look so upset. Once we’ve dropped them down the well, we’ll never see them again.
DUBBY
Except in our nightmares.
MUCKYPANTS
I’d rather have nightmares in Ballymundo’s nice warm cave than freeze to death in the winter snow.
DUBBY
If Ballymundo lets us be her apprentices.
GIGGLE
Stop it, Dubby. You must try to be more co-operative.
DUBBY
We don’t even know where Ballymundo lives.
(LORD FUSSWIMPER enters.)
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Looking for Ballymundo?
GIGGLE
What’s it to you?
MUCKYPANTS
Don’t stick your nose in where it’s not wanted, stranger.
LORD FUSSWIMPER
I just happened to hear you say you don’t know where she lives.
DUBBY
Do you know?
GIGGLE
Be quiet, Dubby. Look, stranger, we just happened to mention Ballymundo because my fellow orphan Muckypants has a sore toe.
MUCKYPANTS
(pretending to have a sore toe)
That’s right. My toe is swollen to twice its size. Look how I have to limp.
(limping in a circle)
Owwww! It’s so painful!
GIGGLE
To beggars and orphans like us, a sore toe can mean death.
MUCKYPANTS
We depend on our feet to carry us from village to village seeking a few crusts of bread.
GIGGLE
That is why we seek Ballymundo, for she can cure sore toes.
LORD FUSSWIMPER
(kneeling to inspect MUCKYPANTS’ toe)
You poor dear. Perhaps I could chop your toe off for you. The wound might heal…and then again, it might become infected and kill you within a week.
DUBBY
Are you a doctor?
LORD FUSSWIMPER
(standing)
Goodness, no, but I’m willing to give it a try.
GIGGLE
Excuse us for a moment, stranger.
(taking DUBBY and MUCKYPANTS aside)
This man might be able to help us.
DUBBY
But if he knows we’re going to Ballymundo’s cave, he might tell someone!
GIGGLE
So what? Once we become Ballymundo’s apprentices, we’ll learn magic spells to stop nosy folks from finding us.
MUCKYPANTS
That man is just some crazy old fellow wandering about in the forest. He’ll soon forget he ever saw us.
GIGGLE
Then let’s ask him if knows how to get to Ballymundo’s cave.
DUBBY
But if he’s crazy, he might send us on a journey to nowhere.
GIGGLE
Well, what choice do we have? Now come on.
(They go back to LORD FUSSWIMPER.)
GIGGLE
Kind sir, we must decline your offer to cut off Muckypants’ toe.
MUCKYPABNTS
However, we would be grateful if you could tell us how to get to the cave of Ballymundo so we could purchase a cure from Ballymundo herself.
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Well now, that’s easy…just keep travelling east until you come to the Great Waterfall by the Mountain of Despair. Ballymundo’s cave is nearby…I’m sure you’ll find it.
MUCKYPANTS
On behalf of my sore toe, I thank you sir. Come on, sisters, let us go and go quickly!
(MUCKPANTS starts to walk quickly offstage.)
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Don’t forget about your sore toe!
MUCKYPANTS Oh yes. In my excitement, I had forgotten.
(quickly pretending her toe is sore again)
Owwww! It hurts so much!
(She limps offstage.)
GIGGLE
Farewell, kind sir!
DUBBY
Thank you, kind sir!
(They exit after MUCKYPANTS.)
LORD FUSSWIMPER
What naïve sisters! They are as transparent as a newly-polished window.
(He exits.)
End of Act Two, Scene 6.
Filthy Dougie by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 7:
(GIRFAX, SORELLA, and BUNDLE enter.)
GORFAX
Ballymundo’s cave must be around here somewhere.
SORELLA
Everything looks the same in this damned forest.
BUNDLE
I’m afraid.
SORELLA
Pipe down, Bundle. You’ve done nothing but complain the whole time we’ve been travelling.
BUNDLE
Well, I’m the one who’s going to have to live with Ballymundo for a whole year.
GORFAX
Yes, but she’ll cure your lame leg in return for your hard work, and then you’ll be able to find a man and marry him.
BUNDLE
I’m not sure it’s worth it.
SORELLA
Well, you can’t come and live with Gorfax and me, and that’s final.
BUNDLE
But you’re my sister. Won’t you worry about me when I’m all alone with Ballymundo and her apprentices?
SORELLA
Time will soon erase you from my memory.
GORFAX
(not without sarcasm)
You’re such a realist, Sorella. That’s what I like about you.
SORELLA
Now, if only we could find Ballymundo’s cave.
(LORD FUSSWIMPER enters.)
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Good morrow to you fine people!
GORFAX
Good day, sir.
SORELLA
And a fine day it is.
BUNDLE
(limping to LORD FUSSWIMPER, and offering her hand)
Pleased to meet you, sir.
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Another limping person! Do you have a sore toe too?
BUNDLE
I have always limped, sir. I was born with a bad leg.
LORD FUSSWIMPER
But you have a pretty face.
SORELLA
(aside, to GORFAX)
Listen to him! What’s he want from her, I wonder?
GORFAX
Perhaps he’ll marry her.
LORD FUSSWIMPER
There is a witch nearby who could cure your lame leg.
BUNDLE
Is her name Ballymundo?
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Yes.
GORFAX
We seek her cave, but we’ve become lost in this damned forest.
SORELLA
Could you tell us how to find her?
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Her cures are expensive.
SORELLA
My sister is willing to work for Ballymundo for a year to pay for a cure.
BUNDLE
(grasping LORD FUSSWIMPER)
Oh, kind sir, I am afraid…I fear the witch, but what choice do I have? No man will have me because of this accursed limp!
LORD FUSSWIMPER
It is a cruel world, madam, to be sure.
GORFAX
Will you tell us how to find Ballymundo or not?
SORELLA
We don’t have all day.
LORD FUSSWIMPER
(aside, to BUNDLE)
Who are those two?
BUNDLE
My sister and her lover. They want to get married, but don’t want to let me live with them, for they think of me as a burden.
LORD FUSSWIMPER
I see.
(speaking to GORFAX and SORELLA)
Ballymundo is easy to find. Do you see that ribbon tied to a tree? Go to it and look for another ribbon. Keep following the ribbons, and you will come to the great waterfall by the Mountains of Despair, where Ballymundo has her cave.
GORFAX
Come on, let’s get a move on. It will soon be dark.
SORELLA
Try to keep up with us, Bundle. We’re doing this for you, after all.
BUNDLE
I’ll try. Goodbye, kind sir, goodbye!
(They exit.)
LORD FUSSWIMPER
That poor woman! However, her agony will be over soon enough.
(He exits.)
End of Act Two, Scene 7.
Filthy Dougie by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Three, Scene 1:
(BALLYMUNDO enters with BUNCH and RHUBARB.)
BALLYMUNDO
(peering offstage)
Look at those two fools running through the trees, thinking that they’re in a model of the Royal Palace.
BUNCH
You put a powerful spell on them, Ballymundo. Filthy Dougie’s climbing that tree as if it was a staircase.
RHUBARB
They really believe they’re in some sort of building. Rumple’s eating leaves as if they were buns in the Royal Kitchen.
BALLYMUNDO
That’s the power of magic. Once they’ve practiced enough, we can send them into the real palace to poison the Royal Family’s croissants.
BUNCH
What will you do when Filthy Dougie demands to become King after his family turn into toadstools?
BALLYMUNDO
Kill him on the spot.
RHUBARB
Let me do it, Ballymundo. I need the practise.
BALLYMUNDO
We’ll see.
(FILTHY DOUGIE enters with RUMPLE.)
FILTHY DOUGIE
I feel as though I know the Royal Palace better than I ever did in the old days when I actually lived there.
RUMPLE
Me too. You made a very lifelike replica, Ballymundo.
BALLYMUNDO
Now you must rest, for tomorrow I will send you to the real Royal Palace.
FILTHY DOUGIE
How exciting! The hour of my revenge is drawing closer.
RUMPLE
I hope we’re doing the right thing.
BALLYMUNDO
I do not like you, Rumple. Seize her, Rhubarb and Bunch!
RHUBARB
Yes, Ballymundo!
(She and BUNCH seize RUMPLE, holding her arms.)
BUNCH
What do you want us to do with her, Ballymundo?
BALLYMUNDO
Take her into the cave and split her skull with my axe.
FILTHY DOUGIE
Isn’t that a bit harsh, Ballymundo? After all, she’s been my loyal servant for all these years, and I need her to help me tomorrow.
BALLYMUNDO
(with vehemence)
SHUT UP, Filthy Dougie! Must I SUBJECT you to HORRIBLE PAIN again?
FILTHY DOUGIE
No, no…I’ll be good. But could you at lest wait until tomorrow morning to kill Rumple? She deserves a good night’s rest.
BALLYMUNDO
Very well, I will allow the wench to sleep. Rhubarb and Bunch will enjoy watching her have horrible nightmares.
RHUBARB
Oh, thank you, thank you, Ballymundo, you are too kind!
BUNCH
You’re so thoughtful, Ballymundo…I will enjoy watching Rumple suffer.
BALLYMUNDO
Now we will all retire to my cave and rest, in preparation for tomorrow’s great events.
(They exit.)
End of Act Three, Scene1.
Filthy Dougie by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Three, Scene 2:
(PRINCESS HONEYLIPS and PRINCESS SUGARNOSE enter.)
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
We’ve found the Great Waterfall and the Mountain of Despair. Ballymundo’s cave must be around here somewhere.
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
I hope we find it soon…it’s getting dark and I’m rather frightened.
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
Stop being a baby, Sugarnose. We need darkness to sneak into the cave while Ballymundo is sleeping.
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
But Ballymundo is a witch…maybe she’ll sense our presence with her special powers.
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
I know this isn’t as easy as seducing Lord Fusswimper, but it’s got to be done or we will never get rid of Mummy and Sweetears.
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
Tell me again why we have to sneak into Ballymundo’s cave.
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
We’re going to steal potion to turn Mummy and Sweetears into toadstools because we hate them!
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
That’s right…now I remember. And Honeylips, just think, if we get rid of them, you’ll become Queen of Oopsy-Doopsy when Grandpa dies.
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
That’s right. I’d forgotten about that. Grandpa won’t live much longer, and then I’ll be the boss!
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
I hope you’ll be good to me when you become queen, Honeylips.
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
Only if you help me steal that potion tonight, Sugarnose.
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
I’ll help, I promise.
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
Look! There’s the entrance to the cave!
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
Oh, oh, my heart is palpitating and my feet legs like lead!
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
Shut up and follow me into the cave, or else I’ll have your feet chopped off when I become queen.
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
Not my lovely feet!
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
Come on, then.
(They sneak off.)
End of Act Three, Scene 2.
Filthy Dougie by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Three, Scene 3:
(OLD KING GUFFLE enters, led by QUEEN ROTUNDA, who has a rope. PRINCESS SWEETEARS follows close behind.)
OLD KING GUFFLE
I am exhausted, Rotunda.
QUEEN ROTUNDA
Not much further now, Father.
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
I can’t wait to catch up with Honeylips and Sugarnose and tie them to trees and leave them to suffer in the forest.
OLD KING GUFFLE
Princess Sweetears, if you become angy and bitter, you will be no better than Honeylips and Sugarnose, and we will have to tie you to a tree, too.
QUEEN ROTUNDA
Don’t talk that way, Father…Sweetears is my only true child! I could not bear to part with her!
OLD KING GUFFLE
I feel as though I will soon have no family left at all.
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
Grandpa, you are old and soon you will be dead. The future is in my hands now.
QUEEN ROTUNDA
What about me, Sweetears? I will live many more years, and perhaps take another husband. Surely the future is in my hands, not yours….at least for the time being.
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
Oh, Mother, I want to be queen so badly. I don’t think I can stand to wait another second!
OLD KING GUFFLE
Being monarch is not so wonderful, little princess.
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
Neither of you understand! I am so unhappy!
QUEEN ROTUNDA
There, there, dear…you are so tired from our long walk through the forest. Look over there…a cave…perhaps we should crawl inside and rest, for just a little while.
OLD KING GUFFLE
Yes, a short rest is what we need, before we continue our search for Princess Honeylips and Princess Sweetears.
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
I want to sleep for just a little bit…just enough to stop my mind from whirling and spinning….I am so tired….
QUEEN ROTUNDA
Come, my dears, into the cave, where we can let the darkness ease our aching bones and weary minds.
(They exit.)
End of Act Three, Scene 3.
Filthy Dougie by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Three, Scene 4:
(PRINCE BANDY and POPPIT enter.)
PRINCE BANDY
Well, here we are by the Great Waterfall and the Mountain of Despair.
POPPIT
I don’t see any of the rivals Lord Fusswimper talked about.
PRINCE BANDY
Perhaps they hid when they saw me coming.
POPPIT
Don’t flatter yourself, Prince Bandy. You’re no more frightening than a bushy-tailed squirrel.
PRINCE BANDY
To tell you the truth, Poppit, I’m scared. Perhaps we shouldn’t have come here.
POPPIT
That’s what I was trying to tell you back when we met Lord Fusswimper, but you wouldn’t listen!
(PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM and RANSID enter.)
RANSID
Prince Clapbottom! Rivals!
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
There’s two of them! Oh merciful saints, save me from their sharp pointed swords!
RANSID
They appear to be unarmed.
POPPIT
Who are you?
RANSID
This is Prince Clapbottom of Noxia, and I am Ransid, his servant.
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
Ransid, must you tell them everything?
RANSID
We may as well get it over with.
POPPIT
This is Prince Bandy of Chumpland, and I am Poppit, his servant.
PRINCE BANDY
Poppit! You are placing me in terrible danger!
POPPIT
(to PRINCE BANDY)
It’s been a long day. You and Prince Clapbottom have to fight and get it over with.
RANSID
Prince Clapbottom is seeking the hand in marriage of Queen Rotunda.
POPPIT
Prince Bandy is also seeking to marry Queen Rotunda.
PRINCE BANDY
You can have her if you promise not to hurt me!
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
No, you can have her if you promise not to hurt me!
POPPIT
Stop being such cowards!
RANSID
Fight for your futures!
(They push PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM and PRINCE BANDY together. The two find themselves wrestling and scuffling. After some time, it’s clear that neither can beat the other, and the fall apart, exhausted.)
PRINCE BANDY
I give up.
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
Me too.
POPPIT
I suggest we go in that cave over there and rest.
RANSID
Yes. After we’ve had a nap, you two can fight again. Maybe one of you will win next time.
PRINCE BANDY
Sleep! How I want to sleep!
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
I feel as though I will fall asleep and never awaken again.
(They all exit.)
End of act Three, Scene 4.
Filthy Dougie by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Three, Scene 5:
(MUCKYPANTS, GIGGLE, and DUBBY enter.)
GIGGLE
Here we are at the entrance of the cave.
DUBBY
It’s getting dark. I’m scared, Giggle.
MUCKYPANTS
It’s too late to be scared now, Dubby.
GIGGLE
That’s right. We came here to throw Rhubarb and Bunch into Ballymundo’s well, and that’s what we’re going to do. Start singing, Muckypants.
MUCKYPANTS
I’ll sound terrible, I just know it.
DUBBY
What if Ballymundo hears Muckypants and thinks she’s a wild pig or something? She might come out and throw a spear at us!
MUCKYPANTS
Don’t call me a pig, Dubby, or I’ll thrash you!
GIGGLE
Just start singing, Muckypants, before we lose our nerve.
MUCKYPANTS
Oh, all right.
(She starts to warble out notes, making an eerie sound like a distressed animal.)
DUBBY
(covering her ears)
Make her stop, Giggle. It sounds awful.
GIGGLE
No. She’s just warming up.
(MUCKYPANTS keeps “singing”, but no one comes out of the cave.)
GIGGLE
All right, Muckypants, stop singing.
MUCKYPANTS
Maybe we have to go further into the cave, so Rhubarb and Bunch can hear us.
DUBBY
No, not into the cave! We could get trapped in there!
GIGGLE
Shut up, Dubby. Now come on, let’s go in there. If we stick together, we’ll be fine.
MUCKYPANTS
Let’s hold hands, just in case.
(They join hands and, with a collective deep breath, exit fearfully.)
End of Act Three, Scene 5.
Filthy Dougie by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Three, Scene 6:
(GORFAX, SORELLA, and BUNDLE enter.)
GORFAX
There’s the entrance to the cave.
SORELLA
Well then, let’s go in there and find Ballymundo.
BUNDLE
I’ve changed my mind…I don’t want Ballymundo to cure my leg.
GORFAX
Too late now. I’m not coming all this way for nothing.
SORELLA
That’s right. Don’t be a baby, Bundle.
BUNDLE
You’re not the one who’s going to have to work for a horrible old witch for a year, Sorella.
SORELLA
I’m not lame, either, and I’ve already got a man.
GORFAX
Maybe we should leave her here by herself, Sorella.
SORELLA
No, Gorfax. She may be useless and lame, but she’s still my sister. I want to see her delivered to Ballymundo in one piece.
BUNDLE
Then let’s get it over with. I don’t care anymore what happens, because no one cares about me.
GORFAX
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Bundle. You’ll never get a man if you have such a bad attitude.
SORELLA
Let’s stop this silly talk and get into that cave. The sooner we deliver Bundle to Ballymundo, the sooner we can get some sleep.
(They exit and LORD FUSSWIMPER enters.)
LORD FUSSWIMPER
They’ve all gone into the cave. Almost time for my grand entrance.
(He exits.)
End of Act Three, Scene 6.
Filthy Dougie by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Three, Scene 7:
(BALLYMUNDO and FILTHY DOUGIE enter with RHUBARB and BUNCH, who are holding RUMPLE.)
BALLYMUNDO
Here we are in the bowels of the cave. Filthy Dougie, lie down and rest. Rhubarb and Bunch, you lie down too, but keep hold of Rumple so she cannot flee into the night.
FILTHY DOUGIE
I doubt if I’ll get any sleep, thinking about Rumple getting her skull split open with an axe.
BALLYMUNDO
Too bad, so sad. I can’t help it if you’ve no stomach for violence, Filthy Dougie. Goodness knows how you’ll be able to function as a king who must order executions on a daily basis.
FILTHY DOUGIE
Revenge isn’t as much fun as I thought it would be.
(He lies down and tries to sleep.)
RUMPLE
I suppose it’s no use to beg for my life.
BALLYMUNDO
No.
RUMPLE
Then I may as well try to sleep. Perhaps I will dream I’m a bird and fly away from here.
RHUBARB
Not with us hanging onto your wings.
BUNCH
The only kind of bird you resemble is a goose, waiting to be cooked.
(They lie down.)
BALLYMUNDO
Now for a well-earned snooze.
(She lies down as PRINCESS HONEYLIPS and PRINCESS SUGARNOSE enter.)
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
(whispering)
They’re asleep.
PRINCESS SUGARNOSE
(whispering)
But who’s that funny looking little man and that one sleeping between the two apprentices?
PRINCESS HONEYLIPS
What does it matter? Let’s find the toadstool potion and get out of here!
(They start searching for the potion, but SUGARNOSE trips, and BALLYMUNDO wakes up.)
BALLYMUNDO
What the….? FORKLEBUK! SNIBBUL! BUKBUKABUKBUK! FLEXDIBBLESNOP!
(SUGARNOSE and HONEYLIPS freeze in a trance as the others wake up.)
RHUBARB
Who are they, Ballymundo?
BALLYMUNDO
Royal princesses who have found their way in here somehow.
FILTHY DOUGIE
My nieces?
BALLYMUNDO
Now you won’t have to poison them, Filthy Dougie.
BUNCH
Are you going to kill them, Ballymundo?
BALLYMUNDO
In the morning. I’m too tired to do it now. They won’t go anywhere.
FILTHY DOUGIE
They don’t look like me at all.
BALLYMUNDO
No, you are far more withered, Filthy Dougie.
(She goes back to sleep, as does everyone else. HONEYLIPS and SUGARNOSE stay in their trances. QUEEN ROTUNDA enters, leading OLD KING GUFFLE, followed by PRINCESS SWEETEARS.)
QUEEN ROTUNDA
(whispering)
Merciful heavens! We’ve entered a witch’s lair! And look, there’s Princess Honeylips and Princess Sugarnose, in some sort of spell!
OLD KING GUFFLE
Eh? A witch’s what? A spell? What’s going on?
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
Look at that man lying there…he looks like that portrait you threw away, Mummy.
QUEEN ROTUNDA
Could it be?
OLD KING GUFFLE
Could it be what?
QUEEN ROTUNDA
Father, I think that’s Prince Dougal lying there.
OLD KING GUFFLE
Prince Dougal? Is this his tomb?
PRINCESS SWEETEARS
No, he’s asleep…they’re all either asleep or in a trance.
(Suddenly BALLYMUNDO leaps to her feet.)
BALLYMUNDO
(invoking a spell)
GAKPOK! NOXO-BONO! TIBBLE-TUM-FIB-DIB! NUKKLE-BONKO!
(ROTUNDA, OLD KING GUFFLE, and SWEETEARS fall into trances as FILTHY DOUGIE, RUMPLE, RHUBARB, and BUNCH awaken.)
FILTHY DOUGIE
Great heavens, it’s Father! And my sister Rotunda….and that must be another one of my nieces…
BALLYMUNDO
It seems you won’t have to go to the palace tomorrow, Filthy Dougie. We can kill them all right here and you will be king before the sun rises.
RHUBARB
So many killings!
BUNCH
What a thrill!
BALLYMUNDO
But not until dawn. I’m far too exhausted to do business right now. Go to sleep.
FILTHY DOUGIE
Just think…tomorrow I’ll be king!
RUMPLE
Tomorrow, my skull will be split open!
(They go back to sleep as PRINCE BANDY, POPPIT, PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM, and RANSID enter.)
POPPIT
(whispering)
Look, Prince Bandy…it’s some sort of magic place…
RANSID
This must be a witch’s den…look at those people standing there in a trance…
PRINCE BANDY
It’s Queen Rotunda! She looks just like the portrait I have of her!
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
She’s all beautiful and frozen, like an ice statue!
PRINCE BANDY
But what is she doing here?
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
And who are all these others?
(BALLYMUNDO awakens with a start and leaps to her feet.)
BALLYMUNDO
This is wearing me out! TIBBLEBIBBLE! SLORP-SLORP! NINGUS! GOFAFFLE!
(PRINCE BANDY, POPPIT, PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM and RANSID freeze in a trance as the sleepers awaken yet again.)
FILTHY DOUGIE
What now?
BALLYMUNDO
Strangers from far away lands.
RHUBARB
What funny looking creatures.
BUNCH
It’s getting very crowded in here.
RUMPLE
At least I’ll have company when you split my skull with an axe.
BALLYMUNDO
I’m beat. Let’s get some shuteye, then dispense with these people in the morning.
(All go back to sleep as GIGGLE, MUCKYPANTS, and DUBBY enter.)
MUCKYPANTS
(whispering)
There are so many people here, Giggle. Which ones are Rhubarb and Bunch?
GIGGLE
How should I know?
DUBBY
Let’s go home…this is an evil place…
(BALLYMUNDO gets up tiredly.)
BALLYMUNDO
What now? Oh, for the love of all that’s evil, more people! BOGBOGDOGBOG! GIFFLE! TONKTONK-BALOOTI! VOZZZ!
(GIGGLE, MUCKYPANTS, and DUBBY freeze as the sleepers wake up yet again.)
FILTHY DOUGIE
Ballymundo, I just want to get some sleep before all the carnage in the morning. What are you running here, an inn for the living dead?
BALLYMUNDO
If I wasn’t so tired, I’d inflict unending pain on you, Filthy Dougie.
RHUBARB
Do it!
BUNCH
Make him writhe!
RUMPLE
Better him than me!
BALLYMUNDO
No. In the morning. Now go to sleep.
(All lie down again as GORFAX, SORELLA, and BUNDLE enter.)
GORFAX
(whispering)
What’s going on here?
SORELLA
Some kind of evil meeting?
BUNDLE
I don’t want to live here for a year!
(BALLYMUNDO, very tiredly, gets up)
BALLYMUNDO
This better be the last of them. SUBORBITOL! LOPPOLY! GRUNKENSTIPPLE!
(GORFAX, SORELLA, and BUNDLE freeze in trances as the sleepers awaken yet again.)
FILTHY DOUGIE
It’s getting stuffy in here.
RHUBARB
Too many people!
BUNCH
What’s going on, Ballymundo?
BALLYMUNDO
Nothing I can’t handle with my considerable skill and talent, although it’s exhausting. Now go to sleep…we’ll sort it out in the morning.
(They lie down and resume their sleep as LORD FUSSWIMPER enters.)
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Perfect. Now for my grand moment! SOFASS, LARNIFIAN! ALDREDA BENIANO! TERRANUS AB STORIUM!
(Now all awaken and form tableaux in their various groups. All are docile and peaceful.)
LORD FUSSWIMPER
I am BENALLUM SORENIUM, the GRAND MAGICIAN of the FIFTH CIRCLE! I have brought you all here to restore ORDER to this DISORDERED PLANE OF EXISTENCE! Let me begin with the Royal Family of Oopsy-Daisy. Old King Guffle, I return to you your sight, so you can enjoy your remaining days in the company of your family.
OLD KING GUFFLE
I can see! What a wondrous and miraculous moment! But how strange and wonderful you all look after my years of darkness!
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Queen Rotunda, I return to you your rightful daughters, Honeylips and Sugarnose, and take from you your false daughter Sweetears, who is the daughter of Ballymundo.
(HONEYLIPS and SUGARNOSE go to ROTUNDA, and SWEETEARS goes to BALLYMUNDO.)
SWEETEARS
I am the daughter of a witch?
BALLYMUNDO
Perhaps one day you will forgive me for planting you in the palace, my little toad.
QUEEN ROTUNDA
Honeylips, Sugarnose, forgive me…I thought you were witch-babies…I was under some sort of spell…
HONEYLIPS
So were we, Mother.
SUGARNOSE
I can’t understand how we could have given ourselves to such evil!
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Prince Bandy and Prince Clapbottom, do you not know who you are supposed to wed?
PRINCE BANDY
I hope it’s not Prince Clapbottom.
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
I hope it’s not Ransid.
LORD FUSSWIMPER
No, no, silly lads…Prince Bandy, your loyal servant Poppit is destined to be your wife. Prince Clapbottom, you are to marry the lame woman whose name is Bundle. Poppit and Bundle, go to your men, if you will have them!
(POPPIT and BUNDLE go and take the arms of their men.)
POPPIT
Oh, Prince Bandy, I’m sure you always knew, deep in your heart, that one day we would marry.
PRINCE BANDY
I suppose so. Maybe love is more important than gold after all.
(They embrace.)
BUNDLE
I have a lame leg, Prince Clapbottom. Do you still want me?
PRINCE CLAPBOTTOM
I’m hardly a picture of good health myself, Bundle….of course I want you…you’re ten times fitter than I am, and I’m sure we’ll have fine, strong children.
(They embrace.)
RANSID
What about me?
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Ransid, you are to be the father of the three orphan girls Giggle, Muckypants, and Dubby!
(The three orphans run to RANSID, clasping him happily.)
GIGGLE
Daddy! Daddy!
MUCKYPANTS
A father at last!
DUBBY
You have a kind face!
RANSID
But I have no money!
LORD FUSSWIMPER
When you go home to your little hut, you will find a pot of silver buried in the mud floor.
RANSID
So that’s were my old dad hid his silver!
LORD FUSSWIMPER
As for Gorfax and Sorella, they deserve each other, and can go home and argue until their dying day.
GORFAX
But I’m not in love with Sorella! Everyone else gets to be with someone they love!
SORELLA
I don’t love you either, Gorfax.
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Isn’t that a shame. And now, Filthy Dougie, do I have to tell you what to do?
FILTHY DOUGIE
I know, I know. Rumple, I’ll be your husband, if you’re willing to gamble your happiness on a fool such as I.
RUMPLE
Oh, Filthy Dougie, of course! Can he be a prince again, Mr. Sorrenium?
LORD FUSSWIMPER
No. He is no leader. Keep it simple, Dougie…perhaps clear some land, raise a few pigs and chickens….
FILTHY DOUGIE
After today, that sounds more than adequate!
(He and RUMPLE embrace.)
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Ballymundo, now you have your daughter back, I hope you will cease to be lonely and also cease to practice evil. You are lucky that I have chosen to let you live.
BALLYMUNDO
I will take this chance for happiness. But what of Rhubarb and Bunch?
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Banished to the distant forests and far-swamps from whence they came. They are not human, as well you know, Ballymundo.
RHUBARB
Back to the swamps we go…
BUNCH
Into the dark waters we will swim…never to be seen again…
(They exit.)
LORD FUSSWIMPER
Now all is returned to balance. Let us go forward and search for happiness, which as always lies close at hand, if only we choose to see it and seize it.
(Everyone cheers as a happy tune is struck and there is a short dance during which Bunch and Rhubarb enter, and finally all form a giant tableau of happiness.)
End of the Play.