Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2006
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 55 minutes
• style: satire
• suitable for general audiences
• 27 characters (20 female, 7 male)
• gender-flexible roles
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Happy Face Daycare” is set in an urban daycare centre in summertime. The staff, parents, and children begin the day in a state of confusion and conflict, but gradually find their way toward a fragile, short-lived, and hard-won state of harmony.
(This play was first performed in October, 2006, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
∗Updated and Published Online by Good School Plays, June 25, 2019.
Go to:
Act One, Scene 1
Act One, Scene 2
Act One, Scene 3
Act One, Scene 4
Act One, Scene 5
Act Two, Scene 1
Act Two, Scene 2
Act Two, Scene 3
Act Two, Scene 4
Act Two, Scene 5
Act Two, Scene 6
Act Two, Scene 7
CHARACTERS:
Tabby LaPorte, 47, Daycare Operator
Vindy Groen, 31, Daycare Supervisor
Nina Dodge, 22, Daycare Supervisor
Hank Bakalov, 22, Daycare Supervisor
Heidi Storemont, 34, Documentary Film Maker
Barb Lenzer, 31, Camera Operator for Heidi
Buck Rexall, 38, Father of Damien
Damien Rexall, 8, son of Buck Rexall
Ernesto Tubbs, 8, Damien’s Best Friend
Francine Butter, 40, Mother of Billy Butter
Billy Butter, 7, Son of Francine Butter
Horace Gulliver, 6
Randy Fulton, 8
Gina Lattay, 36, Mother of Cindy
Cindy Lattay, 8, Daughter of Gina Lattay
Popper Hampton, 8
Fancy Roper, 8
Madison Lopez, 8
Virginia Kraut, 42, Mother of Lucy
Lucy Kraut, 7, Daughter of Virginia Kraut
Pixie Pronto, 7
Tabatha Landis, 8
Lorena LaPorte, 36, Mother of Muppet
Moonstar LaPorte, 7, Daughter of Lorena LaPorte
Muppet LaPorte, 7, Moonstar’s Twin.
Telly Molson, 7
Pumpkin Bonami, 7
Happy Face Daycare by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 1:
(HEIDI STOREMONT and BARB LENZER stand in the yard of Happy Face DayCare. BARB has a camera. They’re shooting a documentary feature about a day in the lives of a group of summer daycare kids. HEIDI talks into the camera.)
HEIDI STOREMONT
It’s early morning on a Monday in July. This is the playground of Happy Face Day Care, a facility that offers summer care for kids. As you can see, the yard is bare…no swings, no monkey bars…just asphalt and a few benches to perch on, sort of like a small, empty parking lot.
(to BARB)
All right, Barb, that’s good for now.
BARB LENZER
(lowering her camera)
This sure doesn’t look like the playgrounds we had when I was a kid, Ms. Storemont.
HEIDI STOREMONT
Times have changed, Barb, and it’s my unfortunate job to document those changes.
(TABBY LAPORTE, owner/manager of Happy Face Daycare enters.)
TABBY LaPORTE
Ms. Storemont! I’m Tabby LaPorte, the owner and manager of Happy Face Daycare.
HEIDI STOREMONT
Good morning, Ms. LaPorte. This is my technicion, Barb Lenzer.
BARB LENZER
(indicating her camera)
I hope you don’t mind us getting everything on film, Ms. LaPorte.
HEIDI STOREMONT
The more footage we get, the better the results. You can review the final edits, of course.
TABBY LaPORTE
(to BARB)
Film away!
(BARB begins filming)
You’re here earlier than I expected, Ms. Storemont.
HEIDI STOREMONT
The early bird catches the worm, Ms. LaPorte…that is, if there was a lawn for the worm to live in.
TABBY LaPORTE
Yes, well, here at Happy Face Day Care, we prefer asphalt to grass.
HEIDI STOREMONT
Why is there no playground equipment?
TABBY LaPORTE
We had it removed for safety reasons.
HEIDI STOREMONT
And, I suspect, for legal reasons as well?
TABBY LaPORTE
Certainly. Bright Dawn Day Care down the road was sued blind when a boy flipped off a swing and broke his collarbone.
HEIDI STOREMONT
Isn’t this asphalt dangerous too, Ms. LaPorte? A child could get injured pretty badly on it.
TABBY LaPORTE
But it’s easy to sanitize. Natural surfaces are unclean…full of worms and germs, you might say. We can’t risk the kids becoming ill on our watch.
HEIDI STOREMONT
So asphalt is a trade-off, in the interest of hygiene?
TABBY LaPORTE
Absolutely. At Eden Organic Day Care over in Fleetwood Heights, a boy force-fed dirt and grass to another boy who projectile vomited onto the back of his mother’s head, causing her to crash her crossover. The pretrial settlement put the day care out of business.
BARB LENZER
(from behind the camera)
Pardon me for interrupting, but wasn’t that the fault of the bully who made the boy eat dirt?
TABBY LaPORTE
Not according to the settlement, which claimed that organic playgrounds breed primitive behaviour. Ah, here come my workers.
Happy Face Daycare by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 2:
(VINDY GROEN, NINA DODGE, and HANK BAKALOV enter.)
TABBY LaPORTE
Vindy, Nina, Hank…this is Heidi Storemont and Barb Lenzer from Greystone Videography. As you know, they’re here to film a typical day at Happy Face Day Care.
HEIDI STOREMONT
Perhaps you’d all like to introduce yourselves on camera.
VINDY GROEN
I didn’t give permission for anyone to follow me around with a camera.
BARB LENZER
If you want, we can distort your face and voice so no one knows who you are.
VINDY GROEN
No, no…you do your business and I’ll do mine, but I’ll thank you to stay out of my face when I’m working with the brats. The name’s Groen…Vindy Groen.
NINA DODGE
Vindy loves to call the children “brats”. She’s a teaser.
VINDY GROEN
Nina, it’s best if I speak for myself, don’t you think?
NINA DODGE
Oh, sure, Vindy, whatever you say.
(to HEIDI)
My name’s Nina Dodge,…you know, like the truck? I work full-time here at Happy Face Daycare. Isn’t that a great name? Happy Face, like my face! I try hard to build morale by looking happy all the time and…
TABBY LaPORTE
(interrupting)
Nina!
NINA DODGE
Yes, Ms. LaPorte?
TABBY LaPORTE
Your name’s enough for now.
NINA DODGE
Yes, Ms. LaPorte.
(to HEIDI)
I think I already mentioned it, but just in case, I’m Nina…Nina Dodge.
HEIDI STOREMONT
Thank you, Nina.
(referring to HANK BAKALOV)
And who’s this young man?
HANK BAKALOV
Hank Bakalov, Ms. Storemont. “Hunky Hank” they used to call me back in high school, but not because I’m a “hunk” or anything. It was an ethnic slur because my parents are from Bulgaria. Kids can be cruel, eh.
VINDY GROEN
You got to know how to handle the brats, or they’ll eat you alive.
TABBY LaPORTE
(aside to VINDY)
I know you’re kidding, Vindy, but could I ask you to please call them “children” while we’re on camera?
VINDY GROEN
I’ll call them whatever I want because I’m good at what I do, Ms. LaPorte, and you know it.
TABBY LaPORTE
Yes, well…
(after an awkward pause, to HEIDI)
Perhaps you’d like to come inside with us, Ms. Storemont, and inspect our activity room, with state-of-the-art electronic learning centres to keep the children focused and occupied.
VINDY GROEN
(to HEIDI)
She means video games.
NINA DODGE
(to HEIDI, indicating Hank)
Hank’s the reigning champion of “American Freeway”.
HANK BAKALOV
(to HEIDI)
You know, the one where you explode zero-emission cars by ramming them with huge gasoline powered pickup trucks?
TABBY LaPORTE
You three, always joking!
(TABBY, VINDY, NINA, and HANK exit, watched by HEIDI and BARB.)
BARB LENZER
(lowering her camera)
Nothing like endless screen time to keep kids pacified.
HEIDI STOREMONT
The digital revolution, Barb, can be truly revolting.
(HEIDI and BARB exit.)
Happy Face Daycare by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 3:
(FRANCINE BUTTER enters with BILLY, HORACE, and RANDY.)
FRANCINE BUTTER
Billy, try to put a smile on your face.
RANDY FULTON
Billy doesn’t want to go to daycare, Mrs. Butter.
HORACE GULLIVER
He says he’s scared, Mrs. Butter.
BILLY BUTTER
Do I have to go, Mom?
FRANCINE BUTTER
Yes, Billy. Even though I have the day off, I want you to keep to your routine.
BILLY BUTTER
I wanna stay home with you.
FRANCINE BUTTER
You know I’ve got work to do, Billy. I’m redecorating the ensuite bathroom.
BILLY BUTTER
But there’s nothing wrong with it the way it is, Mom.
FRANCINE BUTTER
Stop it, Billy. You’re going to daycare, and that’s final.
HORACE GULLIVER
Billy’s going to cry, Mrs. Butter.
RANDY FULTON
He always cries when you leave.
BILLY BUTTER
Shut up, you guys. I do not.
RANDY FULTON
Do too. I seen ya. Every day.
HORACE GULLIVER
Like a baby.
FRANCINE BUTTER
That’s enough, Randy and Horace. If you’re going to tease Billy, I won’t drive you to daycare anymore.
RANDY FULTON
Awww, Mrs. Butter, don’t kick me outta your van. I like the way you make the other cars honk at you.
HORACE GULLIVER
It’s funny.
BILLY BUTTER
Mom, I don’t feel safe here.
FRANCINE BUTTER
Now Billy, the supervisors are highly trained professionals. They know what they’re doing.
RANDY FULTON
But Mrs. Butter, what about that kid Damien?
BILLY BUTTER
The supervisors let Damien be mean to me.
HORACE GULLIVER
It’s true, Mrs. Butter.
FRANCINE BUTTER
Just stay away from Damien, Billy; then he can’t bother you.
BILLY BUTTER
How can I stay away from him when he’s right here at the daycare with me?
FRANCINE BUTTER
Billy, stop this, or I’ll have to tell your father.
BILLY BUTTER
No, Mom! Please don’t tell Dad!
FRANCINE BUTTER
Well, then?
BILLY BUTTER
I’ll go to daycare.
FRANCINE BUTTER
And?
BILLY BUTTER
I’ll be polite and good and won’t spit out my food and I’ll try to stay away from Damien.
FRANCINE BUTTER
And?
BILLY BUTTER
I won’t phone you unless it’s an emer…emer…
FRANCINE BUTTER
Emergency.
BILLY BUTTER
Only if I’m nearly dead or something.
FRANCINE BUTTER
That’s right. Your new phone is not a toy for bothering Mommy every second of the day. And be careful with it…it was expensive…(spelling it out) E-X-P-E-N-S-I-V-E expensive!
BILLY BUTTER
‘Spensive.
HORACE GULLIVER
Does your phone got games on it, Billy?
RANDY FULTON
I’ll trade you mine for yours if yours has got good games.
BILLY BUTTER
Not allowed.
RANDY FULTON
Awww.
FRANCINE BUTTER
You boys mustn’t trade phones. They won’t work if someone else tries to use them.
RANDY FULTON
Sure they will. We got it all figured out.
HORACE GULLIVER
We’re techno-nerds, Mrs. Butter.
FRANCINE BUTTER
Yes, well, you’re not allowed to trade phones and that’s that. Your parents would be furious.
BILLY BUTTER
Mom, is a strange man gonna come to our house when you’re alone there?
FRANCINE BUTTER
Don’t be silly, Billy.
BILLY BUTTER
Horace and Randy said maybe you want me out of our house ‘cause you got a man coming over.
FRANCINE BUTTER
Did you boys say that?
RANDY FULTON
When Horace was sick one day, he seen a guy in a pickup truck go to your place.
HORACE GULLIVER
He had big muscles.
FRANCINE BUTTER
That’s the contractor who’s helping renovate the bathroom, Horace.
BILLY BUTTER
Do you like him better than Dad?
FRANCINE BUTTER
Of course not, Billy. You boys have been watching too much unsupervised television. Now I’ve got to go…I’m picking up a pot of paint just as soon as the Rona store opens. Randy and Horace, promise to take good care of Billy.
RANDY and HORACE
(together)
We promise.
BILLY BUTTER
They won’t, Mom.
FRANCINE BUTTER
Billy, Billy, Billy. What am I going to do with you? Give Mommy a kiss.
RANDY FULTON
Kiss your Mommy, Billy.
BILLY BUTTER
Aw, Mom…do I have to?
FRANCINE BUTTER
Yes, you do have to. You’re my little boy and Mommy loves you.
BILLY BUTTER
Randy and Horace, don’t look.
(RANDY and HORACE turn away but peek anyway while BILLY kisses his mother on the cheek, then rubs his lips).
FRANCINE BUTTER
Don’t rub your lips, Billy. I’m not poison. Now I’ve got to go. I might drop by later if I have a second. Bye, Billy. Bye, boys!
BILLY BUTTER
Bye, Mom!
RANDY and HORACE
(together)
Bye, Mrs. Butter!
(FRANCINE BUTTER exits.)
HORACE GULLIVER
Your mom’s nice.
RANDY FULTON
But my mom’s got a funny smell.
HORACE GULLIVER
That’s ‘cause she got a disease.
BILLY BUTTER
What kinda disease?
RANDY FULTON
I dunno. They won’t tell me.
BILLY BUTTER
Liar.
RANDY FULTON
It’s true. Ask her doctor.
BILLY BUTTER
What’s his phone number?
RANDY FULTON
434-621-9997.
(BILLY takes out his phone and punches in the numbers.)
BILLY BUTTER
(replying to the voice that answers)
Hey, are you Randy Fulton’s mom’s doctor?
(pause)
That’s a dirty word. You’re not supposed to say dirty words to little kids.
(BILLY ends the call.)
RANDY FULTON
Ha, ha, fooled ya, Billy. Maybe you phoned a crazy guy!
BILLY BUTTER
That’s not funny, Billy. Now he might kill me.
HORACE GULLIVER
Shoot ya with a gun, ha, ha!
Happy Face Daycare by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 4:
(GINA LATTAY enters with her daughter CINDY LATTAY, and POPPER HAMPTON, FANCY ROPER and MADISON LOPEZ.)
GINA LATTAY
Well, look, girls, some of the boys are here already!
CINDY LATTAY
Mom, look at Billy Bottom’s funny clothes.
GINA LATTAY
Hush, Cindy. Not everyone has the time and money to dress their children properly. Billy, you look nice and clean this morning.
BILLY BUTTER
Mom said, “You better have a bath Billy,” so I did.
POPPER HAMPTON
His eyes are red, Mrs. Lattay. Maybe he’s sick or something.
BILLY BUTTER
I got soap in ‘em, Popper, so shut up.
GINA LATTAY
Billy, don’t say “shut up” to Popper. She’s worried that she might pick up a virus.
POPPER HAMPTON
Mommy says I’m “delicate”. That means don’t bug me ‘cause I might die, Billy.
FANCY ROPER
Mrs. Lattay, why is Randy’s hair so funny looking?
GINA LATTAY
Some boys don’t pay attention to personal hygiene, Fancy.
RANDY FULTON
It’s not my fault. It just goes that way by itself.
MADISON LOPEZ
Oh, Randy, you’re so funny. You got a funny-looking head.
FANCY ROPER
Don’t say that, Madison. It’s bad luck.
MADISON LOPEZ
Why?
FANCY ROPER
Randy might poke out your eyeball.
MADISON LOPEZ
He better not.
RANDY FULTON
I won’t. I don’t even know how.
BILLY BUTTER
(to RANDY and HORACE)
We better go in before I get a “reddy”.
GINA LATTAY
What’s a “reddy”, Billy?
BILLY BUTTER
It’s when I get real mad and my head turns red and my dad has to sit on me.
(BILLY, HORACE, and RANDY exit.)
CINDY LATTAY
Billy’s sort of gross, isn’t he, Mom?
GINA LATTAY
He has trouble governing his emotions, Cindy.
MADISON LOPEZ
Once at lunch Billy had a fit on the floor.
GINA LATTAY
Did he, Madison?
MADISON LOPEZ
Yes he did, Mrs. Lattay.
FANCY ROPER
He was mad ‘cause someone put bits of wiener in his milk.
(The four girls giggle and snicker, because CINDY was the one who put the wiener in BILLY’S milk.)
POPPER HAMPTON
And Billy spit and the bits came out mixed with milk.
(The girls now laugh out loud as if this is very funny.)
GINA LATTAY
You kids love a good joke! Summer daycare can be such fun, can’t it!
MADISON LOPEZ
It’s boring, Mrs. Lattay. When we’re having fun, Ms. LaPorte says to stop before someone gets hurt.
GINA LATTAY
You girls look nice, today. Your mothers try so hard to keep you looking acceptable.
MADISON LOPEZ
Mommy says a special girl like me deserves nice things.
FANCY ROPER
My momma takes me to the mall to buy stuff to say sorry for never being home.
POPPER HAMPTON
My mommy has a drug problem so I got to buy my own clothes.
GINA LATTAY
Oh, Popper, I’m sure that’s not true.
CINDY LATTAY
It is true, Mom. Popper showed me a needle.
GINA LATTAY
Cindy, Popper’s mom is a diabetic. She has to use a needle to take insulin.
POPPER HAMPTON
No, she puts crack in it.
(POPPER giggles. The other girls giggle too.)
GINA LATTAY
Popper, a young lady should always tell the truth. You mustn’t glamourize your mother’s disability by pretending it’s a “drug problem”
(GINA makes quotation marks with her fingers when she says this.)
CINDY LATTAY
But Popper’s funny, Mom. That’s more important than the truth, isn’t it, Fancy?
FANCY ROPER
Popper’s funny, Mrs. Lattay. She makes us laugh when we’re bored.
MADISON LOPEZ
Daycare’s boring.
GINA LATTAY
Ms. LaPorte does her best. You mustn’t forget that she has a glass eye and an artificial hand.
POPPER HAMPTON
It’s creepy. One time, she put her fake hand on Cindy’s neck, and Cindy screamed and screamed.
GINA LATTAY
You didn’t tell me about that, Cindy.
CINDY LATTAY
I didn’t want to tell on Ms. LaPorte, Mom, cause then she might hit me.
GINA LATTAY
Ms. LaPorte doesn’t hit children, Cindy.
CINDY LATTAY
She might if no one’s looking.
FANCY ROPER
That’s right, Mrs. Lattay. Sometimes adults do bad things to kids in secret.
GINA LATTAY
Well, yes, but Ms. LaPorte does her best to be a good daycare manager.
MADISON LOPEZ
But if no one’s looking, she might do bad, Mrs. Lattay.
GINA LATTAY
Well, my advice to you is to never be alone with Ms. LaPorte, just in case.
CINDY LATTAY
(to the other girls)
See? Even Mom thinks Ms. LaPorte is a pervert.
GINA LATTAY
Cindy! Wherever did you learn that word?
POPPER HAMPTON
My mom told it to me and I told Cindy.
GINA LATTAY
Well, I certainly don’t think Ms. LaPorte is a “pervert”…
(making quotation marks with her fingers again)
…I just don’t think little girls should ever be alone with an authority figure.
CINDY LATTAY
We won’t, Mom, will we, girls?
MADISON LOPEZ
Not me. I’m not going to be alone with anyone, not even another kid.
FANCY ROPER
I’m never going to be alone, because only losers are alone.
POPPER HAMPTON
Like Billy Butter. he’s a loser ‘cause he’s alone except for Horace and Randy.
CINDY LATTAY
And they don’t even count ‘cause they’re always alone too, even when they’re with each other.
GINA LATTAY
That’s a complicated idea, CindY. you’re such a clever girl, having an abstract and poetic thought like that. (giving her a hug)
Mommy’s proud of you.
CINDY LATTAY
I love you Mom.
GINA LATTAY
I love you too, honey, but Mommy has to go now or she’ll be late for her appointment with the plastic surgeon.
CINDY LATTAY
Are you going to make yourself pretty for Daddy?
GINA LATTAY
Gina, you know your father and I aren’t getting back together.
(The other girls take this in with interest.)
CINDY LATTAY
(upset)
Then who are you doing it for?
GINA LATTAY
Well you see, honey, I’m “back on the market” now.
(making quotations with fingers again)
If I’m going to find you a new daddy, I’ve got to look my best. I’m not getting any younger, you know.
FANCY ROPER
You look good for an old person, Mrs. Lattay.
POPPER HAMPTON
Sort of like my granny.
(POPPER, FANCY, and MADISON snicker).
CINDY LATTAY
Don’t say stuff like that, Popper, or I won’t let you play with my “Big-Ass Barbie” any more.
GINA LATTAY
You shouldn’t use your new doll as bargaining chip, Cindy. And it’s not “Big-Ass”,
(making quotation marks again)
…it’s “Big Sass”
(more quotes)
CINDY LATTAY
Big Ass Barbie’s got a big bum like Madison’s mom!
(CINDY, POPPER, and FANCY snicker.)
MADISON LOPEZ
My mom says Barbie dolls are stupid.
GINA LATTAY Not everyone can have a perfect figure, girls. Now I must be off. Give me a peck and a hug, honey.
CINDY LATTAY
(obeying)
Bye, Mom. Please don’t get plastic surgery ‘cause I saw it on Youtube and it’s gross.
GINA LATTAY
I think we better leave that up to the surgeon, honey! Phone me if you need me! Bye!
(GINA begins to exit.)
MADISON LOPEZ
Look! Here comes Damien and Ernesto with Damien’s dad.
(BUCK REXALL enters with DAMIEN REXALL and ERNESTO TUBBS.)
GINA LATTAY
(primping herself, attempting to flirt)
Hi, Buck!
BUCK REXALL
Morning, Gina. You look a bit tired.
GINA LATTAY
(defeated)
Yes, well, you know…life. Things have been…
(struggling for the right word)
…difficult…since John left.
BUCK REXALL
Uh huh.
(pause)
Leaving Peg was the best thing I ever did.
GINA LATTAY
I guess it’s easier for men. Well, bye, girls.
(to BUCK)
Would you like to join me for coffee at Starbucks, Buck?
BUCK REXALL
No can do, Gina. I gotta hit the gym for a workout.
GINA LATTAY
I’ve got a busy day, tooI. thought maybe…
(she’s embarrassed herself)
Excuse me.
MADISON, FANCY, and POPPER
(together)
Goodbye, Mrs. Lattay!
(GINA exits.)
DAMIEN REXALL
Dad’s gonna get me a dirt bike for my birthday, Ernesto.
ERNESTO TUBBS
Cool! Can I ride it?
DAMIEN REXALL
No way. You’d wreck it.
BUCK REXALL
Give it a couple of years, Ernesto. You’re not as co-ordinated as Damien.
ERNESTO TUBBS
My dad’s putting me in hockey.
DAMIEN REXALL
So? I been in hockey for five years.
BUCK REXALL
Damien was voted MVP last season.
DAMIEN REXALL
It was easy.
BUCK REXALL
Say, Damien, looks like the little ladies are giving you the eye.
CINDY LATTAY
Hi, Damien!
DAMIEN REXALL
(to CINDY)
I’m getting a dirt bike for my birthday.
POPPER HAMPTON
Hi, Ernesto.
ERNESTO TUBBS
Hey.
(CINDY whispers in POPPER’S ear. POPPER deliberately drops her phone.)
POPPER HAMPTON
Oh! I dropped my phone! Could you get it for me, Ernesto?
ERNESTO TUBBS
Why?
BUCK REXALL
Do it, Ernesto. Might be an opportunity.
ERNESTO TUBBS
For what, Mr. Rexall?
BUCK REXALL
Try it and find out.
ERNESTO TUBBS
(going over and picking it up)
Here…
(ERNESTO holds the phone out to POPPER. CINDY, FANCY, and MADISON look at each other and giggle and step away from POPPER.)
POPPER HAMPTON
Thank you, Ernesto!
(POPPER reaches out her hand for her phone.)
ERNESTO TUBBS
(embarrassed by his own feelings of attraction to Popper)
Hey, Damien, catch! (he throws the phone to Damien)
POPPER HAMPTON
Hey!
DAMIEN REXALL
Wanna play keep-away, Popper?
(DAMIEN and ERNESTO toss the phone back and forth a couple of times. POPPER tries to get it a couple of times, then just stands with a mad look on her face. DAMIEN and ERNESTO stop tossing it, look at each other, and shrug. DAMIEN returns the phone to POPPER.)
Here.
POPPER HAMPTON
(taking the phone angrily)
You shouldn’t tease! I’m delicate! I could die!
DAMIEN REXALL
Then don’t drop your stupid phone.
CINDY LATTAY
I don’t drop my phone, Damien.
POPPER HAMPTON
Cindy!
BUCK REXALL
Good pass work, Damien. Next time, try lobbing it a little higher and put some spin on it. And Ernesto, just get in position and let the phone come to you. Don’t reach for it…it makes you look like a girl.
ERNESTO TUBBS
I’ll try to do better, Mr. Rexall.
FANCY ROPER
(after being nudged by CINDY)
Mr. Rexall, Damien’s invited to Cindy’s birthday next Saturday.
BUCK REXALL
Oh yeah?
DAMIEN REXALL
(aside to BUCK)
I don’t wanna, Dad. It’s gonna be all girly.
BUCK REXALL
(aside to DAMIEN)
Son, chicks are like hockey sticks. If you wanna learn how to handle ‘em, you gotta get out on the ice and play.
DAMIEN REXALL
But what if she’s trying to make me be her boyfriend or something?
BUCK REXALL
Hey, it’s a free country. You don’t have to do anything you don’t wanna do. After all, you’re the guy.
(to FANCY
He’ll be glad to go to your party, little miss.
(POPPER whispers in CINDY’S ear.)
CINDY LATTAY
(aside, nudging FANCY)
Invite Ernesto!
FANCY ROPER
And Ernesto can come too.
POPPER HAMPTON
(unable to restrain herself)
You can come too, Ernesto.
ERNESTO TUBBS
I dunno. I got to ask my mom.
DAMIEN REXALL
(to ERNESTO)
If you go too, I might let you ride my dirt bike.
ERNESTO TUBBS
All right, I guess I’ll go.
MADISON LOPEZ
Cindy’s sad ‘cause her dad can’t come to her party.
CINDY LATTAY
He’s in Montreal.
BUCK REXALL
Don’t worry, kid, your mom’s just trading players…happens all the time.
MADISON LOPEZ
Cindy’s dad’s got a new girlfriend and she’s pretty.
CINDY LATTAY
Quit it, Madison.
MADISON LOPEZ
Then don’t say my mom’s got a big bum.
CINDY LATTAY
I’m going inside ‘cause Madison’s being mean.
(CINDY exits.)
MADISON LOPEZ
I’m going in too. You can’t stop me, Cindy.
(MADISON tries to exit before CINDY. They push at each other a bit.)
FANCY ROPER
(shouting)
Ladies don’t fight!
(CINDY and MADISON complete their exits.)
POPPER HAMPTON
Bye, Ernesto!
(POPPER and FANCY giggle, and FANCY pulls at POPPER as they exit whispering.)
BUCK REXALL
You boys got a lot to learn about the ladies.
DAMIEN REXALL
We’re only eight, Dad.
BUCK REXALL
You’re never too young to learn, boys. If you don’t, life’s got an ugly way of jumping up and biting you in the privates.
(DAMIEN and ERNESTO look at each other in solemn meditation on BUCK’S words.)
Happy Face Daycare by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 5:
(VIRGINIA KRAUT enters with LUCY KRAUT, PIXIE PRONTO, and TABATHA LANDIS.)
VIRGINIA KRAUT
Mr. Rexall! Dropping off Damien?
BUCK REXALL
What else would I be doing here, Virginia? You going to make it into the office on time today?
VIRGINIA KRAUT
I’ll do my best.
BUCK REXALL
Do better than best. This is my day off, and I don’t want anything to go wrong while I’m away.
VIRGINIA KRAUT
You can count on me, Mr. Rexall.
BUCK REXALL
I hope so, because I’d hate like hell to have to fire you.
(to LUCY)
How’s Crazy Lucy?
LUCY KRAUT
Mom got me a new top from the thrift store, Mr. Rexall.
PIXIE PRONTO
It’s cute for something old.
TABATHA LANDIS
Someone else weared it before she did.
DAMIEN REXALL
It looks sorta like a thing that got run over on the road.
(ERNESTO giggles.)
LUCY KRAUT
Huh?
DAMIEN REXALL
Like a squished bird or something.
(ERNESTO giggles some more.)
LUCY KRAUT
Mom, Damien’s being mean again.
VIRGINIA KRAUT
That’s the way boys show affection, dear.
LUCY KRAUT
No! He does it to make me mad. He’s a naughty boy.
(LUCY runs at DAMIEN and tries to punch him, but BUCK intervenes.)
BUCK REXALL
Whoa, there, you little wildcat!
LUCY KRAUT
(struggling with BUCK)
Lemme go, lemme go!
PIXIE PRONTO
She’s real mad.
TABATHA LANDIS
Sorta like a bull.
BUCK REXALL
You gonna get her under control or what, Virginia?
VIRGINIA KRAUT
Lucy, please…
(pulling Lucy aside)
Mr. Rexall’s my boss, and Damien’s his son.
LUCY KRAUT
They’re mean!
(LUCY runs at DAMIEN again…and again BUCK intervenes.)
BUCK REXALL
Virginia…
VIRGINIA KRAUT
Lucy, that’s enough. Say sorry to Mr. Rexall and Damien.
LUCY KRAUT
No.
(LUCY breaks away from BUCK and stands away from everyone and sulks.)
BUCK REXALL
She needs counselling, Virginia.
VIRGINIA KRAUT
But it’s so expensive, sir…
BUCK REXALL
Doesn’t the government have free counsellors? What the hell do I pay taxes for?
VIRGINIA KRAUT
I guess I could try to find one.
BUCK REXALL
Just don’t do it on company time.
PIXIE PRONTO
Mrs. Kraut, I think, Lucy’s crying.
TABATHA LANDIS
When she cries she gets a tummy ache and throws up.
VIRGINIA KRAUT
Lucy!
(goes to LUCY)
Lucy, please don’t cry. Your top looks fine.
LUCY KRAUT
You never defend me, Mom.
VIRGINIA KRAUT
Sure I do. Remember when Ms. Kokano kicked you out of class for hitting that boy?
LUCY KRAUT
He said I was a Martian from space!
VIRGINIA KRAUT
But I helped you get out of trouble, didn’t I?
LUCY KRAUT
You gave the boy’s mommy a hundred dollars.
VIRGINIA KRAUT
That’s my way of defending you, honey.
BUCK REXALL
Well boys, I’m off to the gym. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.
ERNESTO TUBBS
We won’t, Mr. Rexall!
BUCK REXALL
Attaboy, Ernesto. We’ll make a man of you yet.
(scrubbing DAMIEN’S head)
Adios, amigo! Virginia, don’t be late!
(BUCK exits.)
DAMIEN REXALL
Bye, Dad!
(PIXIE whispers something to TABATHA.)
TABATHA LANDIS
(going to Ernesto)
Ernesto, Pixie wants me to tell you something.
ERNESTO TUBBS
What?
(TABATHA whispers in ERNESTO’S ear.)
ERNESTO TUBBS:
No!
TABATHA LANDIS
Why not?
ERNESTO TUBBS
I don’t wanna and I don’t hafta.
TABATHA LANDIS
Pixie will get mad.
ERNESTO TUBBS
I don’t care.
(TABATHA goes back and whispers to PIXIE.)
PIXIE PRONTO
(to ERNESTO)
I hate you, Ernesto Tubbs!
ERNESTO TUBBS
I don’t care.
VIRGINIA KRAUT
Pixie! Ernesto!
DAMIEN REXALL
C’mon, Ernesto…let’s go in. Too many girls out here.
ERNESTO TUBBS
Yeah. Too many girls.
(DAMIEN and ERNESTO exit.)
PIXIE PRONTO
Mrs. Kraut, how do you get a boyfriend?
VIRGINIA KRAUT
Why, Pixie, you don’t need a boyfriend. You’re only seven.
TABATHA LANDIS
All us girls like Ernesto.
VIRGINIA KRAUT
Whatever for? He’s just like all the other little boys.
PIXIE PRONTO
No, he’s not. He’s cuter.
LUCY KRAUT
Mom, I think I got a headache. Take me home.
VIRGINIA KRAUT
I can’t, Lucy. I’ve got to go to work. You heard Mr. Rexall.
LUCY KRAUT
You care more about your job than you do about me.
VIRGINIA KRAUT
I can’t buy you things from the thrift store if I don’t have a job.
PIXIE PRONTO
Lucy hates the thrift store, Mrs. Kraut.
TABATHA LANDIS
She wants clothes from Fabulous Kids.
VIRGINIA KRAUT
Fabulous Kids is too expensive for me, Tabatha.
LUCY KRAUT
I hate being poor.
PIXIE PRONTO
You’re not poor, Lucy…you just don’t got any money.
LUCY KRAUT
That’s poor!
TABATHA LANDIS
No, poor is like the kids from Africa.
PIXIE PRONTO
Yeah, or France.
TABATHA LANDIS
Yeah…French kids and African kids don’t even got no clothes.
PIXIE PRONTO
They got bare bums.
(PIXIE and TABATHA find this hilarious.)
VIRGINIA KRAUT
It’s not nice to make fun of poor people, Pixie.
PIXIE PRONTO
I’m not, Mrs. Kraut. But they shouldn’t let kids run around with bare bums!
(PIXIE and TABATHA laugh some more.)
VIRGINIA KRAUT
Nobody runs around with bare bums. You’re being silly.
TABATHA LANDIS
Mrs. Kraut, do you ever clean your car?
PIXIE PRONTO
Yeah. It smells funny and makes me feel sick in my tummy.
VIRGINIA KRAUT
I don’t have time to clean it, girls. I’m a busy woman.
LUCY KRAUT
You should spank them, Mom.
PIXIE PRONTO
That’s against the law!
TABATHA LANDIS
Your mommy’s going to go to jail.
LUCY KRAUT
Why?
TABATHA LANDIS
For making threats. My mom says it’s against the law to do that.
PIXIE PRONTO
It is against the law. They give you the lethal injection for it.
VIRGINIA KRAUT
Pixie, you and Tabatha better go inside now.
PIXIE PRONTO
Don’t have to. You’re not my mom.
LUCY KRAUT
I hate you, Pixie.
VIRGINIA KRAUT
Please, Lucy.
LUCY KRAUT
(to PIXIE)
I’m gonna smack you!
(LUCY raises her hand and advances towards PIXIE.)
TABATHA LANDIS
Mrs. Kraut, make her stop!
VIRGINIA KRAUT
Lucy!
LUCY KRAUT
No! I’m gonna knock her head off!
(LUCY chases PIXIE, who runs around screaming as LORENA LaPORTE enters with MUPPET LaPORTE, MOONSTAR LaPORTE, TELLY MOLSON, and PUMPKIN STUTTGART.)
LORENA LaPORTE
(catching LUCY as she goes by)
Whoa, Lucy!
(LUCY looks at LORENA and is suddenly calm.)
LORENA LaPORTE
Just breathe deeply, child. Everything’s going to be fine!
VIRGINIA KRAUT
I’m sorry, Lorena. Lucy’s not doing too well today.
LORENA LaPORTE
No need to be sorry, Virginia. Things are exactly as they should be. The sun’s shining, these girls are all fit and full of life. Just let yourself be mellow.
VIRGINIA KRAUT
Well, I would be mellow if I didn’t have to go in to the office and work like a slave all day!
LUCY KRAUT
Mom!You shouldn’t fight with Ms. LaPorte!
VIRGINIA KRAUT
I’m not fighting, Lucy. I’m stating a fact.
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
Mom, is Mrs. Kraut sick?
LORENA LaPORTE
Her energy’s not balanced, Moonstar.
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
Poor Mrs. Kraut.
(going to Virginia)
Kneel down, Mrs. Kraut, and I’ll rub your temples.
VIRGINIA KRAUT
I know you’re trying to help, Moonstar, but…
MUPPET LaPORTE
Let her do it, Mrs. Kraut. It’s magic.
TELLY MOLSON
That’s right, Mrs. Kraut. Moonstar will make you feel real good.
PUMPKIN STUTTGART
She got magic fingers!
PIXIE PRONTO
It’s creepy.
TABATHA LANDIS
I wonuldn’t let her touch my head.
LUCY KRAUT
Mom, let them do it, then you’ll feel good when you go to work.
VIRGINIA KRAUT
Goodness me no, I must be off! Please excuse me, Lorena…
LORENA LaPORTE
Virginia, do I have to be stern with you?
VIRGINIA KRAUT
Pardon?
LORENA LaPORTE
Let Moonstar rub your temples. Muppet, you help.
MUPPET LaPORTE
Can I, Mom?
LORENA LaPORTE
I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.
TELLY MOLSON
Can I help, too, Lorena?
LORENA LaPORTE
Sure, Telly…you’ve got lovely fingers.
PUMPKIN STUTTGART
And me! And me!
LORENA LaPORTE
You too, Pumpkin. You can all help massage poor Mrs. Kraut’s temples!
MUPPET, TELLY, and PUMPKIN
(all running to Virginia and helping Moonstar pull her down)
Yayyyyyyy!
VIRGINIA KRAUT
Children, children!
(VIRGINIA struggles a bit, but they overpower her and all massage her face with their little fingers. She calms down, then relaxes, then becomes serene. The children step away from her)
VIRGINIA KRAUT
Why, that actually feels better!
(getting up)
Thank you, children. Lucy, perhaps Moonstar and Muppet can teach you how to do that.
LUCY KRAUT
I don’t got the magic, Mom.
TABATHA LANDIS
I never touch my mom’s head, except with my lips.
PIXIE PRONTO
It’s gross to touch people’s heads.
LORENA LaPORTE
Tabatha and Pixie, you two are both looking very pretty today.
PIXIE PRONTO
(looking at TABATHA)
We are?
LORENA LaPORTE
Yes, dears. Why don’t you run inside with Lucy and show everyone!
TABATHA LANDIS
Let’s go, Pixie!
PIXIE PRONTO
Hurray! We’re pretty! Let’s go, Lucy!
(PIXIE and TABATHA exit.)
LUCY KRAUT
Am I pretty, Ms. LaPorte?
LORENA LaPORTE
Call me Lorena, dear…all the other children do.
LUCY KRAUT
Lorena…am I pretty too?
LORENA LaPORTE
I’ll tell you a secret!
(LORENA goes to LUCY and speaks to her in a stage whisper.)
LORENA LaPORTE
You’re more than pretty…you’re beautiful!
LUCY KRAUT
(brightening up with pride)
Thanks, Lorena! Now I can go inside and not be scared!
(LUCY runs off to join the others.)
VIRGINIA KRAUT
I don’t know how you do it, Lorena.
LORENA LaPORTE
Neither do I, Virginia…that’s the beauty of it.
VIRGINIA KRAUT
(looking at her watch)
I’m late! Got to run, or Mr. Rexall will “terminate my position”, as he puts it!
(VIRGINIA exits.)
PUMPKIN STUTTGART
Mrs. Kraut’s not a happy woman, is she, Lorena?
LORENA LaPORTE
No, Pumpkin, she tries too hard.
TELLY MOLSON
I don’t try too hard, and that makes me a happy girl.
LORENA LaPORTE
That’s the way, Telly. Just enjoy the moment.
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
Mom, who was born first, me or Muppet?
MUPPET LaPORTE
Yeah, Mom…which one of us is oldest?
LORENA LaPORTE
You’re identical twins. You were both born at exactly the same time.
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
But one of us had to come out first.
LORENA LaPORTE
Well, which one of you always gets out of the Subaru first?
TELLY MOLSON
Moonstar does!
PUMPKIN STUTTGART
Moonstar does!
LORENA LaPORTE
And which one of you always finishes her tofu stir-fry first?
PUMPKIN STUTTGART
Moonstar does! Moonstar does!
LORENA LaPORTE
Does that answer your question?
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
I was first! I was first! I’m the oldest!
LORENA LaPORTE
No, Muppet was first.
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
She was?
LORENA LaPORTE
Yes, and ever since, she’s happy to be second.
MUPPET LaPORTE
I’m happy to be second.
TELLY and PUMPKIN
Muppet’s the oldest! Muppet’s the oldest!
LORENA LaPORTE
No, Muppet and Moonstar were one egg that split into two, so they’re the same age.
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
We were one egg, Muppet.
MUPPET LaPORTE
One egg. I was the yolk.
TELLY MOLSON
Moonstar was the runny part that turns white in the frypan.
PUMPKIN STUTTGART
I had an egg for breakfast. It’s turning into a baby in my belly.
MUPPET LaPORTE
Is Pumpkin going to have a baby, Mom?
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
Can Muppet and I have babies, Mom?
LORENA LaPORTE
I’m pretty sure you’ll all have babies one day.
MUPPET LaPORTE
One egg that split into two.
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
No wonder we look the same.
LORENA LaPORTE
One egg that split into two, and here they are, my lovely identical twins!
(MUPPET and MOONSTAR hug as TABBY LaPORTE enters.)
TABBY LaPORTE
Lorena! We’re about to do role-call!
LORENA LaPORTE
Oh, Tabby, always making a fuss about clocks and schedules!
MOONSTAR and MUPPET
(running to TABBY and hugging her)
Auntie Tabby! Auntie Tabby!
TABBY LaPORTE
Now, now, girls…careful with my artificial hand, Moonstar
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
Whoops!
TABBY LaPORTE
You know Aunty’s not really the “touchy-feely” type like your mother!
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
Don’t be silly, Aunt Tabby. We know you love us!
MUPPET LaPORTE
Yeah! You gave us school supplies for Christmas!
TABBY LaPORTE
A girl should always be prepared for the academic challenge of school.
LORENA LaPORTE
They used those supplies to make a huge collage.
TELLY MOLSON
It was a giant naked woman made out of pictures from fashion magazines.
PUMPKIN STUTTGART
Lorena says Muppet and Moonstar were making a “statement”.
MUPPET LaPORTE
We were making a statement.
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
We think fashion models are tools.
TABBY LaPORTE
Tools?
MUPPET LaPORTE
Tools of the giant corporations, Aunty!
TELLY MOLSON
The giant corporations!
PUMPKIN STUTTGART
They give me nightmares!
TABBY LaPORTE
Oh, now, I think you’re just repeating what your mother says.
LORENA LaPORTE
They think for themselves, Tabby. You could learn a thing or two from Muppet and Moonstar.
TABBY LaPORTE
I’m quite capable of independent thought, Lorena.
LORENA LaPORTE
What about the time Daddy fell out of our tree house?
TABBY LaPORTE
What about it?
LORENA LaPORTE
Why didn’t you do something?
TABBY LaPORTE
Daddy was yelling and swearing, and I was scared.
LORENA LaPORTE
So I had to come running over from the neighbour’s and help daddy into the house by myself.
TABBY LaPORTE
Are you going to hold that against me forever?
LORENA LaPORTE
Oh, Tabby, I know you’ve had a difficult time since you lost your eye and your hand, but you really need to mellow out.
TABBY LaPORTE
I’m fine, Lorena…really. You might want to think about how you’re doing!
LORENA LaPORTE
Now that’s just silly. I’m off to yoga class. Goodbye, my darlings!
MUPPET and MOONSTAR
Bye, Mom! We love you with all our hearts!
TELLY and PUMPKIN
Bye, Lorena!
LORENA LaPORTE
Take care of Telly and Pumpkin, Tabby.
TABBY LaPORTE
What do you think I’m going to do, throw them in the river?
TELLY and PUMPKIN
Please don’t, Ms. LaPorte!
LORENA LaPORTE
Silly Tabby!
(LORENA exits.)
TABBY LaPORTE
All right, everyone, inside! You’re going to be on television!
MUPPET, MOONSTAR, TELLT, and PUMPKIN STUTTGART
Television!
(They run offstage.)
TABBY LaPORTE
Yoga. As if that’s going to help anything.
(TABBY exits.)
Happy Face Daycare by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 1:
(VONDY GROEN enters with BILLY,HORACE, and RANDY.)
VINDY GROEN
Ms. Laporte wants you three to take a time out.
BILLY BUTTER
But Damien stabbed me!
VINDY GROEN
Well, nobody saw him do it!
HORACE GULLIVER
I did!
VINDY GROEN
You don’t count!
RANDY FULTON
Damien’s a bully, Ms. Groen!
VINDY GROEN
Can it, Randy, or I’ll make you stand in the traffic on the street!
HORACE GULLIVER
Aw, Ms. Groen, you always say that but you never do it!
RANDY FULTON
Yeah, please do it, Ms. Groen. I wanna stand in the traffic!
(While this has been going on, HEIDI STOREMONT and BARB LENZER have entered and are filming the whole thing.)
HEIDI STOREMONT
(to Vindy)
That was quite the outburst in there, Ms. Groen.
VINDY GROEN
Billy’s got a violent temper.
BARB LENZER
Almost broke my camera when those kids crashed into me.
HORACE GULLIVER
Billy got a “reddy”.
HEIDI STOREMONT
A what?
RANDY FULTON
A “reddy”. That’s when his head turns red and he shouts and hits things.
BILLY BUTTER
Damien stabbed me with a pencil!
VINDY GROEN
Where’s the mark?
BILLY BUTTER
In a secret place.
VINDY GROEN
What do you mean “a secret place”?
RANDY FULTON
He’s gonna get mad again, Ms. Groen.
BILLY BUTTER
Why doesn’t Damien ever get in trouble?
HORACE GULLIVER
Damien’s mean, Ms. Groen.
VINDY GROEN
Billy, go sit over there and cool off. Horace and Randy, you go over there.
BILLY BUTTER
It’s not fair.
(BILLY goes away and sits by himself. HORACE and RANDY go off to their own spot).
HEIDI STOREMONT
(to Vindy)
Are the children always this difficult to deal with?
VINDY GROEN
Hey, they’re kids, and their parents are hardly ever around. It’s no wonder they’re so miserable.
BARB LENZER
Heidi, I think we got enough footage of the fight.
HEIDI STOREMONT
All right, take a break, Barb.
(BARB stops filming.)
BARB LENZER
You know, when I was a kid, my mom stayed home to look after me until I was thirteen.
VINDY GROEN
Those days are gone. The parents of these kids are either single and have to work, or they’re desparate for stuff they think they’ve got to have…a home with a huge mortgage, a new car, expensive vacations. So they work and leave the kids here at the daycare.
HEIDI STOREMONT
These children seem so unhappy.
VINDY GROEN
I do what I can with the brats.
HEIDI STOREMONT
Why do you call them brats?
VINDY GROEN
love. You know, be tough but care?
BARB LENZER
You really don’t like this camera, do you.
VINDY GROEN
I don’t like the idea of you making this place look bad. We do what we can.
HEIDI STOREMONT
Sure, I understand. But we’re just filming what we see, Vindy.
VINDY GROEN
It depends which clips get kept, and which don’t. If you show Billy throwing a fit, people get one idea. If you show Billy and Randy and Horace having fun with their phones, they get another.
HEIDI STOREMONT
I’ll try to keep it balanced.
VINDY GROEN
Did you have to go to daycare when you were a kid?
HEIDI STOREMONT
Summer camp. It was the same.
BARB LENZER
Kids need lots of help from adults, but they’re always pushed into places were there’s tons of kids and hardly any grown-ups…daycares, schools, teams…
HEIDI STOREMONT
But kids need other kids to play with.
VINDY GROEN
Play? When do they get to play? When was the last time you saw a group of eight year olds playing together by themselves?
HEIDI STOREMONT
Kids need supervision.
VINDY GROEN
Sure, by the whole community, not just a few paid professionals like me. Kids playing alone is no problem if the grownups in the neighbourhood stay in the background, ready if needed.
HEIDI STOREMONT
Spying.
VINDY GROEN
Not spying…caring…showing an interest…loving.
RANDY FULTON
Ms. Groen, can we go back inside now?
HORACE GULLIVER
I’m thirsty.
VINDY GROEN
Just a couple more minutes, boys. Billy, you can sit with Horace and Randy.
BILLY BUTTER
I don’t want to.
HEIDI STOREMONT
(going to BILLY)
You’re pretty angry, aren’t you Billy.
BILLY BUTTER
Tell me something I don’t know.
HEIDI STOREMONT
You know what I do when I’m angry?
BILLY BUTTER
What?
HEIDI STOREMONT
I get someone to tickle me…like this!
(HEIDI tickles BILLY.)
BILLY BUTTER
(laughing)
Hey, stop! I’ll pee myself!
(HEIDI stops.)
HEIDI STOREMONT
Feel better?
HORACE GULLIVER
Will you tickle me, Ms. Storemont?
RANDY FULTON
Me too?
VINDY GROEN
Ms. Storemont’s the Billy-tickler, you guys. I’ll tickle you.
BARB LENZER
Me too!
(Now VINDY, BARB, and HEIDI run back and forth, tickling the boys and making them laugh and roll around. When they stop, everyone waits expectantly, and then the tickling starts again. Now everbody’s tickling everybody, and everybody’s laughing. Then all stop, exhausted.)
BILLY BUTTER
I gotta do that more often!
RANDY FULTON
Fun! That was fun, wasn’t it, Horace?
HORACE GULLIVER
Fun, fun, fun.
Happy Face Daycare by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 2:
(NINA DODGE enters with DAMIEN and ERNESTO.)
NINA DODGE
Billy, you’ve got to apologize to Damien before you can come back inside.
BILLY BUTTER
But Damien stabbed me!
DAMIEN REXALL
No I never! He just wants to get me in trouble ‘cause I’m getting a dirt bike and he isn’t.
BILLY BUTTER
I don’t care about your stupid dirt bike.
NINA DODGE
Ernesto, you must have seen what happened.
ERNESTO TUBBS
Nope. The girls was distracting me.
RANDY FULTON
I saw! Damien stabbed Billy with a pencil.
NINA DODGE
Whereabouts, Billy?
VINDY GROEN
In a “secret place”. He won’t tell.
NINA DODGE
Oh. Damien, did you stab Billy in a secret place?
DAMIEN REXALL
No. I was just drinking my juice and Billy bit me.
ERNESTO TUBBS
He’s got marks on his arm, Ms. Dodge.
NINA DODGE
I know he’s got marks on his arm, Ernesto. We’ve all seen them.
BARB LENZER
Got it on camera.
BILLY BUTTER
I called my mom.
NINA DODGE
You did what?
BILLY BUTTER
Called my mom, on my phone, when I was sitting by myself.
NINA DODGE
Billy, you didn’t need to phone your mom.
VINDY GROEN
Sure he did. He’s had a rough time, Nina, and he wants his mom.
NINA DODGE
All we need is for his mother to come storming in here to turn the whole place into a madhouse.
DAMIEN REXALL
I don’t care if his mom comes. I’m not scared of her.
ERNESTO TUBBS
We’re learning how to handle women. They’re like hockey sticks.
NINA DODGE
Whatever are you talking about, Ernesto?
ERNESTO TUBBS
You got to put ‘em on the ice and hit pucks with them.
NINA DODGE
Wherever do you get your ideas?
ERNESTO TUBBS
Damien’s dad.
DAMIEN REXALL
My dad’s smart. He’s a businessman.
BILLY BUTTER
Quit bragging, Damien.
DAMIEN REXALL
You’re jealous ‘cause your mom’s not as smart as my dad.
BILLY BUTTER
She is so. My dad’s the stupid one at our house.
VINDY GROEN
All right! That’s enough!
(VINDY grabs BILLY, then DAMIEN, and makes them face each other).
VINDY GROEN
Apologize, both of you, or you’ll spend the rest of the day writing out passages from the Bible.
HEIDI STOREMONT
Are you allowed to do that?
VINDY GROEN
This’ll be the first time, so I guess I’ll find out.
NINA DODGE
Maybe we should use the Koran as well.
BARB LENZER
You might want to throw in the Talmud.
BILLY BUTTER
I don’t print too good, so I’m gonna apologize right now. Sorry, Damien.
VINDY GROEN
Damien?
DAMIEN REXALL
Sorry, I guess.
RANDY FULTON
He don’t mean it, Ms. Groen.
HORACE GULLIVER
Damien lies all the time, Ms. Groen.
DAMIEN REXALL
You guys shut up.
ERNESTO TUBBS
Why do I gotta be here?
NINA DODGE
You’re a witness.
ERNESTO TUBBS
I wanna go back inside.
VINDY GROEN
Shut it, Ernesto.
BILLY BUTTER
My mom’s gonna come and take me home, I bet.
NINA DODGE
Billy, your mom arranged for you to tell us before you phoned her.
BILLY BUTTER
But everyone’s mad at me. You’d just say no!
NINA DODGE
That’s right, because we can sort this out ourselves. No need to bother your mom.
DAMIEN REXALL
I don’t phone my dad every second of the day. Only babies do that.
BILLY BUTTER
Damien, I’m gonna bite you again!
(BILLY lunges at DAMIEN. NINA and VINDY separate them.)
RANDY FULTON
Billy sure is mad.
HORACE GULLIVER
I’m kinda scared.
NINA DODGE
(holding BILLY, who struggles)
Billy, Billy!
VINDY GROEN
(holding DAMIEN and speaking to VINCY)
You take Damien!
(they switch)
Billy, your Mom will be here soon. Maybe she’ll take you home. Just relax, now.
BILLY BUTTER
I’m not a baby!
DAMIEN REXALL
Then don’t act like one!
NINA DODGE
Damien, stop it! Anyone would think you’re trying to make Billy go crazy!
RANDY FULTON
He is, Ms. Dodge. He does it all the time!
ERNESTO TUBBS
Damien’s just teasing! I don’t get mad when he teases me!
DAMIEN REXALL
Billy’ a poor sport!
VINDY GROEN
Damien, I want you to shut up, right now!
NINA DODGE
Vindy!
VINDY GROEN
No, Nina,I mean it. If Damien opens his mouth again, I’m going to stick my runner in it.
ERNESTO TUBBS
That’s so mean!
(BARB has been quietly filming all this.)
HEIDI STOREMONT
Do you think I should fetch Ms. LaPorte?
NINA DODGE
No, please don’t. She’d be so disappointed in Vindy and me.
VINDY GROEN
In us? Nina, it’s not about us!
HEIDI STOREMONT
I think I’ll fetch Ms. LaPorte. Come on, Barb.
(HEIDI and BARB exit.)
NINA DODGE
I try so hard. Why does everything go wrong?
VINDY GROEN
It might help if you didn’t walk around with that fake smile on your face all the time.
Happy Face Daycare by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 3:
(HANK BAKALOV enters with CINDY, POPPER, and FANCY.)
HANK BAKALOV
Vindy and Nina, Ms. LaPorte wants you to take the boys back inside.
NINA DODGE
Thank heaven.
VINDY GROEN
We had things under control, Hank.
HANK BAKALOV
I’m just following orders, Vindy.
NINA DODGE
Let’s go, Damien.
VINDY GROEN
…and don’t look so smug.
NINA DODGE
You too, Ernesto.
(NINA exits with DAMIEN and ERNESTO. DAMIEN sticks his tongue out at BILLY.)
BILLY BUTTER
(straining to get at DAMIEN)
I’ll kill him!
VINDY GROEN
(restraining BILLY)
Easy, Billy.
RANDY FULTON
Damien stuck his tongue out!
HANK BAKALOV
It was pink, and had saliva all over it, didn’t it, boys!
BILLY BUTTER
(laughing)
Yeah! Pink and covered in slobber!
HORACE and RANDY
(laughing)
Pink and covered in slobber!
CINDY LATTAY
Gross!
POPPER HAMPTON
You shouldn’t make fun of Damien’s tongue, Mr. Bakalov!
HANK BAKALOV
It looked like a dead worm.
BILLY, HORACE, and RANDY
(laughing)
A dead worm, a dead worm!
VINDY GROEN
Hank! I’m not sure you’re on the right track with this.
FANCY ROPER
He’s saying mean stuff about Damien, and he’s supposed to be a supervisor.
HANK BAKALOV
Damien says mean stuff about me!
CINDY LATTAY
Like what, Mr. Bakalov?
HANK BAKALOV
He says I throw like a girl and I’ve got bad breath.
RANDY FULTON
Your breath smells good, Mr. Bakalov, sort of like my mom’s purse.
HORACE GULLIVER
Or maybe a candy bar.
POPPER HAMPTON
Don’t be weird, Randy and Horace.
VINDY GROEN
Since when do you give the orders around here, Popper Hampton?
HANK BAKALOV
Popper likes to be the boss, don’t you, Popper.
POPPER HAMPTON
Talk nice to me, Ms. Groen, or I’ll tell my mom.
HANK BAKALOV
Too late. You’ll tell her anyway, and make it sound twice as bad.
POPPER HAMPTON
Cindy, make them stop.
BILLY BUTTER
Boy, Mr. Bakalov and Ms. Groen, you sure are giving Popper a hard time.
HANK BAKALOV
And she doesn’t like it, does she. So maybe now she knows how other people feel when she’s mean to them.
CINDY LATTAY
Popper’s delicate. She could die. You guys should be nice to her.
VINDY GROEN
She’s not going to die. All she’s got is a minor allergy.
HANK BAKALOV
She’s allergic to halibut. You see any halibut around here?
FANCY ROPER
Popper says she’ll swell up and die if someone makes her eat halibut.
POPPER HAMPTON
It’s true! I’ve even got an inhaler.
HANK BAKALOV
Oh look! Here comes someone with a halibut right now, and look, he’s carrying a sign that says, “Help me find a girl who’s allergic to halibut so I can make her eat it and watch her die!”
POPPER HAMPTON
Quit it, Mr. Bakalov.
VINDY GROEN
Billy, you and Horace and Randy better come inside now.
BILLY BUTTER
Awwww. This is fun.
VINDY GROEN
Best to leave while the good times are happening instead of after they’re done.
(VINDY starts to take the boys offstage.)
CINDY LATTAY
Can Ernesto stay out here with us, Ms. Groen?
ERNESTO TUBBS
No, please, Ms. Groen!
VINDY GROEN
There’s your answer, Cindy.
(VINDY completes her exit with BILLY and ERNESTO. As HANK talks to the girls in the next few lines, TABBY LaPORTE enters and watches in secret.)
HANK BAKALOV
Now, I want you girls to find some pretty stones to show Ms. Storemont and her camera woman.
FANCY ROPER
It’s stupid to look for rocks out here.
CINDY LATTAY
There’s nothing but asphalt.
HANK BAKALOV
Wrong. There’s stones…very, very, very tiny stones.
POPPER HAMPTON
You mean sand.
HANK BAKALOV
Every grain of sand is a tiny stone, and some are very beautiful.
(getting on his hands and knees and puts his head close to the ground)
Here’s one!
(picking an imaginary grain of sand up and showing it to the girls)
Look…isn’t that gorgeous?
CINDY LATTAY
There’s nothing there.
FANCY ROPER
It’s just your bare finger tip.
POPPER HAMPTON
Stop it or I’ll phone my mom.
HANK BAKALOV
So she’s going to talk to her mom?
FANCY ROPER
Yeah.
HANK BAKALOV
But her mom’s not here, is she?
CINDY LATTAY
No, she’s at her office.
HANK BAKALOV
So how’s she going to talk to someone who’s not here?
POPPER HAMPTON
(brandishing her phone)
On my phone, Mr. Bakalov!
HANK BAKALOV
Ohhhhh! So the voice that’s going to come out of that thing is your mother?
POPPER HAMPTON
Yeah…my mom who loves me and won’t let anyone be mean to me.
HANK BAKALOV
So if your mother can be here, even though she’s not, why can’t a pretty stone be on my fingertip, even if it’s not?
CINDY LATTAY
(peering at his finger)
So the stone is like Popper’s mom’s voice on the phone, Mr. Bakalov?
HANK BAKALOV
That’s right…a thing doesn’t have to be actually here to be real.
FANCY ROPER
(staring at his fingertip)
You want us to imagine a tiny pretty stone, don’t you, Mr. Bakalov.
HANK BAKALOV
Yes, Fancy, because we could search all day and all night and never find a stone as pretty as the one we can imagine.
POPPER HAMPTON
(who’s been hanging back)
Can I see?
HANK BAKALOV
Sure, Popper. And somewhere out there in the universe, you can be sure the stone you’re imagining actually exists.
CINDY LATTAY
Really, Mr. Bakalov?
HANK BAKALOV
Sure, because we couldn’t imagine it if it wasn’t somehow part of the universe already.
(The three girls are now entranced and excited by HANK’S ideas.)
FANCY ROPER
I imagine a monkey on a motorcycle…
CINDY LATTAY
I imagine a baby with a bandaged head…
POPPER HAMPTON
I imagine a daycare in the desert with a cactus on it’s roof.
HANK BAKALOV
And you can be sure, somehow and in some way, they all exist out there somewhere. So can you see the tiny stone on my fingertip now?
CINDY LATTAY
It’s beautiful.
FANCY ROPER
So many different shining colours.
POPPER HAMPTON
It’s prettier than my mom’s diamond ring.
TABBY LaPORTE
Mr. Bakalov…
HANK BAKALOV
(putting his hand down)
Ms. LaPorte! I didn’t see you!
TABBY LaPORTE
But I was here, just like that imaginary stone. Children, go inside, please.
CINDY LATTAY
But we haven’t finished finding stones, Ms. LaPorte.
TABBY LaPORTE
No need. You’ve been out here long enough. Go in, now.
FANCY ROPER
Come on, you guys, let’s go find Ernesto.
POPPER HAMPTON
I’m imagining him right now.
CINDY LATTAY
He’s easy to imagine.
(The girls exit.)
TABBY LaPORTE
Hank, you shouldn’t tell children things that aren’t true.
HANK BAKALOV
I never do.
TABBY LaPORTE
You told them that everything they imagine exists. What if they imagine something horrible and violent? If they believe it’s real, they could become frightened, have nightmares, become ill. It’s not a good idea, Hank.
HANK BAKALOV
Horrible and violent things exist, Ms. LaPorte. Kids need to imagine them to understand them.
TABBY LaPORTE
No, Hank. You’re wrong about this. I want you to tell the children that you were only joking with them…that imaginary things aren’t real.
HANK BAKALOV
I won’t do it.
TABBY LaPORTE
You won’t?
HANK BAKALOV
I’m not going to lie to them.
TABBY LaPORTE
Then you can’t work here anymore.
HANK BAKALOV
You’re firing me?
TABBY LaPORTE
If you want to put it that way, yes. If parents found out what you’re doing, it could put my daycare at risk, and I’m not prepared to allow that.
(VINDY and NINA enter.)
NINA DODGE
Ms. LaPorte, we need you to unlock the kitchen so we can get the children’s lunch.
VINDY GROEN
They’re hungry and grumpy, like me.
HANK BAKALOV
Ms. LaPorte just fired me.
VINDY GROEN
What?
TABBY LaPORTE
He insists on telling the children that imaginary things are real.
NINA DODGE
, that’s silly.
HANK BAKALOV
No, Nina, you’re silly. You use your imagination to pretend, not to face the truth.
VINDY GROEN
Jeeze, Hank, I’m going to miss you.
HANK BAKALOV
Yeah, we…I guess I better pack my stuff and go.
TABBY LaPORTE
I’d like you to stay until the children go home, Hank. We can’t function with only two supervisors.
HANK BAKALOV
So you fire me and then ask me to stay.
TABBY LaPORTE
Just for a few more hours. You know it’s the right thing to do.
HANK BAKALOV
Aren’t you worried that I’ll mess up the children with my eccentric notions?
TABBY LaPORTE
Please just stick to the basics and do your job. I really hate to lose you, Hank, but I just can’t have someone on staff who misleads the kids, no matter how well-intentioned you are.
HANK BAKALOV
All right, I’ll finish the day. The physical safety of the kids comes first.
TABBY LaPORTE
Thank you. Let’s get inside and look after them…they’re in there unsupervised.
(All three exit.)
Happy Face Daycare by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 4:
(BUCK REXALL enters with FRANCINE BUTTER.)
BUCK REXALL
I didn’t expect to see you here, Ms. Butter.
FRANCINE BUTTER
I got a call from Billy, Mr. Rexall. He sounded very distressed.
BUCK REXALL
Yeah? I got a call from Damien. He sounded mad about Billy.
FRANCINE BUTTER
Mr. Rexall, I’m a busy woman. I shouldn’t have to come down here to sort out Billy’s problems with Damien.
BUCK REXALL
Well now, that’s just it, isn’t it…Billy’s problems. Damien’s fine. And I have to come down here to set things straight when Billy throws fits and tries to blame it all on Damien.
FRANCINE BUTTER
Mr. Rexall, let’s call a spade a spade. Damien is a bully. Now, it may not be his fault he’s turned out that way, but that’s what he is.
BUCK REXALL
Are you insinuating I made my son into a bully?
FRANCINE BUTTER
You’re the major influence in his life.
BUCK REXALL
And you’re the major influence in your boy Billy’s whacky life. You’ve brought that kid up to be a bad tempered little cry baby.
(GINA LATTAY enters as BUCK is ranting. BUCK stops and he and FRANCINE stare at GINA.)
GINA LATTAY
Oh, excuse me, I didn’t mean to interrupt.
FRANCINE BUTTER
Mr. Rexall and I were just having an adult discussion, Mrs. Lattay.
GINA LATTAY
I thought I’d drop by and say hello to Cindy.
BUCK REXALL
Now Cindy, there’s a good kid. Damien doesn’t have any trouble with Cindy.
GINA LATTAY
Thank you, Buck. I do my best with Cindy. And I must say, you’ve done a good job with Damien.
FRANCINE BUTTER
What is it with you people?
GINA LATTAY
I beg your pardon?
FRANCINE BUTTER
Cindy and Damien both get a kick out of tormenting my son, and you two compliment each other for creating the two little monsters.
GINA LATTAY
Excuse me?
BUCK REXALL
Ignore her, Gina, she’s out of control.
FRANCINE BUTTER
That is such a typical male response! You dismiss my legitimate arguments as irrational emotion instead of dealing with the issue!
GINA LATTAY
It seems to me you’re the issue, Mrs. Butter! Spouting nonsense about my daughter and Buck’s son, and accusing us of being bad parents!
BUCK REXALL
(to FRANCINE)
Man, they should have locked you up and thrown away the key before you had a chance to have babies.
FRANCINE BUTTER
I’m going to tell my husband about this, Mr. Rexall. I’m sure he’ll have a thing or two to say to you.
BUCK REXALL
If he tries anything on me, I’ll have him in court so fast it’ll make your head spin.
FRANCINE BUTTER
I’m going to find Billy right now and get to the bottom of this.
(FRANCINE exits.)
GINA LATTAY
Oh, Buck, why must some parents be like that?
BUCK REXALL
It’s in their genes. They pass it on to their kids.
GINA LATTAY
My little girl must have my genes. She’s so much nicer than my ex.
BUCK REXALL
If my son was like my ex, I’d give him up for adoption.
GINA LATTAY
Buck…
BUCK REXALL
Yes, Gina?
GINA LATTAY
What that woman said about my Cindy…it was like being physically assaulted.
BUCK REXALL
She’s a mean-mouthed little feminist. I hate those kind of women.
GINA LATTAY
Buck, I feel a bit faint.
(GINA staggers a bit.)
BUCK REXALL
Here, let me help you.
(BUCK moves in and holds her.)
GINA LATTAY
You’re so strong, Buck.
BUCK REXALL
It pays to work out, Gina.
(BUCK begins to let of her.)
GINA LATTAY
Please don’t let go! I feel wobbly!
BUCK REXALL
(holding her again)
Better?
GINA LATTAY
Much. I miss the feel of a man’s arms.
BUCK REXALL
You’re as light as a bird.
GINA LATTAY
I am?
BUCK REXALL
Yeah. I would never have guessed by just looking at you.
GINA LATTAY
It’s my clothes. They’re kind of baggy. I’m sort of shy you see.
BUCK REXALL
If you’ve got it, flaunt it, I say. How am I supposed to know what you’ve got if you dress like a nun?
GINA LATTAY
It’s just that my confidence took a bit of a blow when John left. There was a while there when I thought I was…unattractive or something.
BUCK REXALL No way.
GINA LATTAY
Yes way. So I’m using Cindy’s monthly support payments to get plastic surgery. I mean what’s good for me is good for Cindy, isn’t it?
BUCK REXALL
Sure.
GINA LATTAY
So in a little while…a few weeks…I’ll have what it takes to make a man sit up and take notice. Then maybe I can wear something a little more…feminine.
BUCK REXALL
I can’t wait.
GINA LATTAY
Me too.
BUCK REXALL
Guess I should’ve taken you up on that offer to go for coffee.
GINA LATTAY
We could still go.
BUCK REXALL
Sure. What the hell. Beats hanging around here arguing with that Butter woman.
GINA LATTAY
Sometimes, we’ve just got to put ourselves first. We can deal with our kids later.
BUCK REXALL
(offering her his arm)
Later.
GINA LATTAY
(taking his arm)
How do you like your coffee, Buck?
BUCK REXALL
Hot and sweet, Gina. I like it hot and sweet.
(They exit).
Happy Face Daycare by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 5:
(LUCY KRAUT runs in, followed by PIXIE, TABATHA, NINA, and HANK. HANK goes to LUCY, while NINA stays with PIXIE and TABATHA.)
LUCY KRAUT
I’m not going back inside. I hate daycare.
NINA DODGE
Now Lucy, don’t be a grump. How do you expect to have friends if all you do is pout?
PIXIE PRONTO
Yeah, Lucy. Tabatha and I don’t pout.
TABATHA LANDIS
We smile, don’t we Ms. Dodge?
NINA DODGE
You both have lovely smiles.
LUCY KRAUT
If they’re so lovely, why are they mean to me all the time?
HANK BAKALOV
That’s the question I keep asking myself.
NINA DODGE
Hank, you mustn’t take sides.
HANK BAKALOV
Why is it that whenever I speak the truth, I get a lecture from my boss or my co-workers, Nina?
NINA DODGE
I don’t know what you’re talking about, Hank.
HANK BAKALOV
I’ve been fired, Nina. That’s what I’m talking about.
LUCY KRAUT
What?
NINA DODGE
Don’t upset the children, Hank.
HANK BAKALOV
They’re already upset. Fired, Lucy. Ms. LaPorte fired me.
LUCY KRAUT
You mean you’re not going to work here anymore?
HANK BAKALOV
Today’s my last day.
TABATHA and PIXIE
Yay!
HANK BAKALOV
(to TABATHA and PIXIE)
I’ll miss you, too.
LUCY KRAUT
But, Mr. Bakalov, you’re the only one I trust.
HANK BAKALOV
Oh now, Lucy, Vindy’s wonderful, and Nina tries hard.
NINA DODGE
You’re darned right I try hard.
HANK BAKALOV
Always smiling, always trying to put a ray of sunshine into the gloomy dark of our hopeless lives.
NINA DODGE
Don’t mock me, Hank.
LUCY KRAUT
Adults aren’t supposed to fight.
HANK BAKALOV
We’re not fighting, Lucy. Nina’s flirting with me.
NINA DODGE
What?
HANK BAKALOV
Come on, Nina, admit it, you’re in love with me!
TABATHA LANDIS
Mr. Bakalov!
PIXIE PRONTO
Is it true, Ms. Dodge?
NINA DODGE
He’s being ridiculous.
LUCY KRAUT
Do you love Ms. Dodge, Mr. Bakalov?
HANK BAKALOV
Yes I do. And because it’s my last day, I’m going to say it out loud. I love you, Nina Dodge.
NINA DODGE
Mr. Bakalov, you’ve lost your mind!
TABATHA LANDIS
This is like television.
PIXIE PRONTO
Yeah! Are you going to kiss him, Ms. Dodge?
NINA DODGE
No, I’m not going to kiss him! He’s just teasing us all.
HANK BAKALOV
(going to Nina)
Nina, try to imagine a happy life with me. You can do it. Just let yourself go and sink into your genuine feelings.
NINA DODGE Hank, a little while ago you said I was silly. Now you say you love me?
HANK BAKALOV
That’s right. Nina, how long are you going to go on trying to fool yourself and everyone else into thinking everything’s sunshine, no matter how bad things get?
NINA DODGE
I don’t do that.
LUCY KRAUT
Yes you do, Ms. Dodge. When the kids tease me, you just smile and pretend everything’s okay.
PIXIE PRONTO
It’s kind of fake.
TABATHA LANDIS
Yeah, like as if you don’t even see what’s happening, Ms. Dodge.
HANK BAKALOV
Kids know more than you think, Nina. Take my hand.
(HANK offers his hand to NINA.)
LUCY KRAUT
This is exciting!
NINA DODGE
Oh, all right, if you promise to stop teasing.
(NINA takes his hand.)
HANK BAKALOV
I’m not teasing. I love you, Nina.
NINA DODGE
Please, Hank, don’t say it unless you really mean it. I mean, if this is a game, it’s a cruel one.
HANK BAKALOV
Nina, I promised myself years ago that I’d always tell the truth as I know it, and I know I love you.
NINA DODGE
You’re not teasing?
HANK BAKALOV
Nope.
NINA DODGE
Please, don’t say what you’re saying unless you’re sure it’s true.
HANK BAKALOV
I’m sure.
NINA DODGE
I didn’t think any guy could feel that way about me. I’d given up…
HANK BAKALOV
I know. That’s why I have to be so direct and obvious.
TABATHA LANDIS
(to PIXIE)
They’re going to kiss!
HANK BAKALOV
No we’re not. There’s still a job to do out here. Say you’re sorry to Lucy.
PIXIE PRONTO
Awww.
TABATHA LANDIS
It’s fun bugging Lucy.
PIXIE PRONTO
Yeah. She gets so mad and does crazy stuff; then we’re not so bored.
HANK BAKALOV
But you’ve hurt her feelings over and over, just because you can’t think of anything else to do to keep from being bored.
TABATHA LANDIS
I guess, but…
NINA DODGE
Tabatha and Pixie, you’re both clever little girls. You can entertain yourselves without hurting Lucy can’t you?
PIXIE PRONTO
I guess it just got to be a habit. I’m sorry Lucy.
TABATHA LANDIS
Me too. I’m sorry too. Besides, I don’t want Lucy to punch me any more.
LUCY KRAUT
Please punish them, Mr. Bakalov.
HANK BAKALOV
Do you really want me to, Lucy?
LUCY KRAUT
Yes. I mean no. I mean maybe. I mean…no. I guess they’re sorta my friends…the only ones I got.
NINA DODGE
You’ve got me, Lucy, and Mr. Bakalov.
LUCY KRAUT And my Mom, I guess, even if she lets everyone push her around.
(And at that moment, VIRGINIA KRAUT enters.)
LUCY KRAUT
Mom!
(running to VIRGINIA and giving her a hug)
I said your name and you’re right here like magic!
VIRGINIA KRAUT
I thought about what you said, Lucy, about never really sticking up for you. So guess what…
LUCY KRAUT
What?
VIRGINIA KRAUT
I’ve quit my job at Buck Rexall’s liquor store. I’m not going to let him push me around any more.
LUCY KRAUT
But we’ve got no money, Mom!
VIRGINIA KRAUT
You know what, sweetie? I’m good at what I do. I’m the one that really ran that liquor store anyway, so why shouldn’t I run my own business?
LUCY KRAUT
Mom, can we have a candy store or a toy store?
VIRGINIA KRAUT
Why not have both?
TABATHA LANDIS
Lucy, if your mom gets a toy store, can we buy stuff for half price?
LUCY KRAUT
No. Do you want my mom to go broke? You got to pay a fair price like everyone else.
HANK BAKALOV
I’m looking for a job, Mrs. Kraut. If you want a good salesman, I’m your man.
NINA DODGE
I’m sold on him, Mrs. Kraut.
VIRGINIA KRAUT
Well, one thing at a time. Phew! Everything seems to be happening so fast…
(VINDY enters.)
VINDY GROEN
Hank, Nina…Ms. LaPorte needs help with the afternoon snacks…
HANK BAKALOV
Great. I’m hungry. Come on, Nina, I’ll make you a tuna fish sundae, my specialty.
NINA DODGE
(making a face)
Tuna fish sundae?
TABATHA LANDIS
You stopped smiling, Ms. Dodge!
HANK BAKALOV
Doesn’t it feel good to frown, Nina?
NINA DODGE
(discovering that it does indeed feel good)
Yes, it’s like smiling upside down!
HANK BAKALOV
And if you can smile upside down, you can laugh upside down, too, which means crying. You can cry, Nina…it’s only an upside down laugh.
NINA DODGE
I can cry!
(NINA and HANK exit)
VINDY GROEN
Those two seem to be having a good time.
PIXIE PRONTO
They’re in love, Ms. Groen.
VINDY GROEN
I know. I’ve known for weeks. Those two are going to get married, have a dozen babies, and live out their days on a hobby farm by a pretty river in the country.
LUCY KRAUT
I wish I could do that. Can we be farmers, Mom?
VIRGINIA KRAUT
If we want, Lucy. We’re poor, but we’re free! It feels great!
(VIRGINIA and LUCY do a quick little dance with each other in excitement).
VINDY GROEN
Shouldn’t you be at work, Mrs. Kraut?
VIRGINIA KRAUT
I quit! Mr. Rexall can’t yell at me anymore. From now on, if there’s any yelling to be done, I’m the one that’s going to do it.
LUCY KRAUT
Yay, Mom!
VINDY GROEN
Well come on in and join us for snacks, Mrs. Kraut. Lucy, you, Pixie and Tabatha be sure to give your mom the best cookies and the freshest milk!
TABATHA LANDIS
(as she and PIXIE run over and tow VIRGINIA offstage)
C’mon, Mrs. Kraut! Cookies and milk!
PIXIE PRONTO
We each get two cookies, but I’ll give you one of mine so you get three!
VINDY GROEN
Go on, Lucy, join your mom.
LUCY KRAUT
Is this a dream?
VINDY GROEN
Sure it’s a dream. What else could it be?
(VINDY and LUCY exit.)
Happy Face Daycare by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 6:
(MOONSTAR, MUPPET, TELLY, and PUMPKIN enter.)
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
Muppet and me are going to wait out here until Mom gets here.
MUPPET LaPORTE
She’s gonna be here any moment.
TELLY MOLSON
How do you know?
PUMPKIN STUTTGART
You don’t even have a phone.
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
Don’t need one.
MUPPET LaPORTE
Me and Moonstar can just tell.
TELLY MOLSON
But how, Muppet?
MUPPET LaPORTE
You know where your nose is, don’t you?
PUMPKIN STUTTGART
(touching her nose)
Right here.
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
And you know where your feet are, don’t you?
TELLY MOLSON
(pointing at her feet)
Right there!
MUPPET LaPORTE
Well, it’s the same with our mom. She’s part of us, Telly.
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
How could we not know where a part of us is?
(And is if that’s the obvious truth, Lorena enters.)
LORENA LaPORTE
Muppet and Moonstar! I knew I’d find you here waiting.
MUPPET LaPORTE
(as she and MOONSTAR run to give LORENA hugs)
You’re part of us!
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
And we’re part of you!
TELLY MOLSON
I’m part of the ground ‘cause I’m standing on it.
PUMPKIN STUTTGART
I’m part of the sky ‘cause I’m breathing it.
LORENA LaPORTE
I enjoyed my yoga so much. I twisted myself up like a pretzel and something magical happened!
MUPPET LaPORTE
What?
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
What?
LORENA LaPORTE
I suddenly remembered something about your Aunt Tabby, something about her accident.
MUPPET LaPORTE
What did you remember?
LORENA LaPORTE
Pumpkin and Telly, could you go and fetch Ms. LaPorte for me?
PUMPKIN STUTTGART
Will you tell us what you remembered when we bring her?
TELLY MOLSON
Please, please, please!
LORENA LaPORTE
Of course.
(TELLY and PUMPKIN exit.)
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
Mom, why do Billy Butter and Damien Rexall fight all the time?
MUPPET LaPORTE
Are they unhappy?
LORENA LaPORTE
Only unhappy people fight, dears.
MUPPET LaPORTE
It’s always the same. Damien does something mean to Billy.
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
Then Billy turns red and yells and kicks and screams.
MUPPET LaPORTE
Then Damien lies and says he didn’t do anything.
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
And nobody ever does anything about it.
LORENA LaPORTE
That’s your aunty’s job. She’s the one that’s got to fix things between Billy and Damien.
MUPPET LaPORTE
How?
LORENA LaPORTE
I don’t know. I just know it’s her job.
(TABBY LaPORTE enters with TELLY and PUMPKIN.)
TABBY LaPORTE
Lorena, I’m very busy. I don’t have time to talk.
LORENA LaPORTE
The car crash.
TABBY LaPORTE
What?
LORENA LaPORTE
The crash…when you lost your hand and eye.
TABBY LaPORTE
What about it?
LORENA LaPORTE
I remember what happened. I got my memory back when I was doing yoga today.
TABBY LaPORTE
I don’t want to talk about it, Lorena.
LORENA LaPORTE
I know you don’t, Tabby, but it’s best if you do. Really, it is!
TABBY LaPORTE
Look, Dad was hurt from falling out of the tree. He couldn’t drive very well because of his broken arm. He crashed the car, and he and Mom got killed, and I lost my eye and my hand. That’s what happened, end of story.
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
It’s such a sad story.
MUPPET LaPORTE
Poor granny and grandpa. We never even got to meet them.
PIXIE PRONTO
But you can dream about them.
TELLY MOLSON
That’s a good way to spend time with them. Don’t you dream about them?
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
I don’t know…maybe.
MUPPET LaPORTE
Maybe…it’s hard to remember dreams.
PIXIE PRONTO
That doesn’t matter while you’re dreaming.
TELLY MOLSON
While you’re dreaming, the only thing that matters is the dream.
LORENA LaPORTE
You two are very wise children. You let your ancestors speak through you.
TABBY LaPORTE
Oh, good grief, Lorena, I haven’t got time for this nonsense! I’ve got to go back inside.
LORENA LaPORTE
Tabby, what I remember is that I caused the accident.
TABBY LaPORTE
You? How could you have?
LORENA LaPORTE
When I was all bent up in yoga, I remembered being like that after the crash, and that made me remember Daddy was sleepy and had a hurt arm and he let the car drift across the center line, so I pulled on the steering wheel and then the car went down the bank and turned over and over.
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
I remember too.
MUPPET LaPORTE
Me too. The car turned over and over and stopped upside down and there was a smell of gas.
TABBY LaPORTE
You weren’t there, Moonstar and Muppet. You weren’t even born.
LORENA LaPORTE
They remember because I remember. And I want to tell you I’m sorry, Tabby. I’m sorry because I’m the one that did it, and Mummy and Daddy were killed, and you got hurt so badly. I’m sorry.
(At this point, LORENA is overcome with emotion. Her daughters comfort her.)
TABBY LaPORTE
I’m sorry, too, Lorena. I’m sorry because I think in some way I knew that’s what happened and I was angry with you because you didn’t even get hurt. And so we went our separate way in life and I became all hard and full of thinking and you became all soft and full of feeling.
LORENA LaPORTE
We’re twins, Tabby. We need to find our way to be together again, don’t we?
TABBY LaPORTE
Yes.
(Everyone parts to let the two sisters hug.)
TABBY LaPORTE
I’ve got to let myself start feeling again.
LORENA LaPORTE
And I’ve got to let myself start thinking again.
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
Then you’ll both be whole again.
MUPPET LaPORTE
Instead of two halves.
PUMPKIN STUTTGART
Like you were when you were in your mom’s belly.
TELLY MOLSON
When you were one egg before you split into two.
Happy Face Daycare by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 7:
(DAMIEN, ERNESTO, BILLY, RANDY, and HORACE enter with FRANCINE.)
BILLY BUTTER
Hey, Ms. LaPorte, Mom made Damien say sorry, and he meant it.
DAMIEN REXALL
Don’t brag, Billy.
ERNESTO TUBBS
It was hard for Damien, Ms. LaPorte. He didn’t want to say sorry.
HORACE GULLIVER
But Mrs. Butter made him.
RANDY FULTON
She said he had to stop being mean to Billy or Billy would die.
TABBY LaPORTE
Die? Why would he die?
FRANCINE BUTTER
Because Billy has a heart condition.
TABBY LaPORTE
Why didn’t you tell us?
FRANCINE BUTTER
I kept it from everyone, including Billy. I didn’t want it to interfere with his life in any way.
BILLY BUTTER
I got a bad heart, and I didn’t even know.
FRANCINE BUTTER
No, you’ve got a good heart, Billy, but it’s so good it could break at any time.
BILLY BUTTER
That’s scary. I don’t want it to break, Mom.
FRANCINE BUTTER
Neither do I. That’s why I had to tell everyone. I couldn’t bear to see you upset and angry anymore.
BILLY BUTTER
I got to take it easy.
FRANCINE BUTTER
Yes. And Damien’s got to take it easy, too.
DAMIEN REXALL
I don’t want to kill nobody.
LORENA LaPORTE
It’s a hard thing to live with.
(CINDY, POPPER, FANCY, and MADISON enter.)
CINDY LATTAY
Ms. Dodge and Mr. Bakalov are in love!
POPPER HAMPTON
They hugged in front of everyone!
FANCY ROPER
It was beautiful.
MADISON LOPEZ
I can imagine them near a huge waterfall getting married so that means it’s going to happen.
CINDY LATTAY
No, Madison, they’re gonna get married in a balloon.
FANCY ROPER
No, they’re gonna say the marriage words then bungee into a river and their heads are gonna get wet and then sproing they’re gonna be back on the bridge and then go away in an airplane.
POPPER HAMPTON
I say they’re gonna get married on horseback in a desert with a cactus for a best man.
TABBY LaPORTE
I’ve got to talk to Mr. Bakalov.
CINDY LATTAY
Are you made at him, Ms. LaPorte?
TABBY LaPORTE
No, Cindy.
(BARB LENZER and HEIDI STOREMONT enter. BARB is filming with her camera.)
HEIDI STOREMONT
Well, this is such a great story! Who would think so much could happen in a daycare in just one day!
BARB LENZER
I got hardly any film left.
HEIDI STOREMONT
I don’t know how we’re going to edit it down to just fifty minutes.
FRANCINE BUTTER
I’m going to be on television telling the whole world about Billy’s heart.
BILLY BUTTER
My heart is gonna be famous. I hope it don’t break before it sees itself on TV.
BARB LENZER
We’ll get it done fast for you, Billy.
ERNESTO TUBBS
Does that mean he’s gonna die real soon?
DAMIEN REXALL
I hope not ‘cause they’ll say I done it and then I’ll have to run away and be on one of them posters in the police station like on TV.
(VIRGINIA KRAUT enters with LUCY, PIXIE, and TABATHA.)
VIRGINIA KRAUT
Phew! Two dozen cookies and three litres of milk. I’m going to explode.
CINDY LATTAY
Like Billy’s wiener!
TABBY LaPORTE
Cindy…
CINDY LATTAY
Sorry.
LUCY KRAUT
Everyone kept giving Mom their cookies and milk.
PIXIE PRONTO
And she kept eating and eating.
TABATHA LANDIS
Like a machine. She musta been hungry.
VIRGINIA KRAUT
It’s amazing how an appetite can come back when you finally relax.
PIXIE PRONTO
I guess she was more hungry than anyone in the whole world.
TABATHA LANDIS
More hungry than fifty billions zillion kids in an ice cream shop.
BARB LENZER
It made for some spectacular footage. She almost inhaled the whole works.
LUCY KRAUT
Mom, I got to tell you, I really like going to the thrift store. I only complained because everyone teased me. And I like my top, even if it does look like a squished rat on a highway.
(VINDY, NINA, and HANK enter.)
VINDY GROEN
May I introduce Ms. Nina Dodge and her fiance Mr. Hank Bakalov.
HANK BAKALOV
Whoa! You’re moving faster than we are, Vindy.
VINDY GROEN
What the heck, you’re as good as married. Why don’t you both go home to Nina’s apartment and let the good times roll.
TABBY LaPORTE
Vindy Groen! What a thing to say in front of the children!
VINDY GROEN
I’m talking about children, Ms. LaPorte. Where do you think they come from anyway?
NINA DODGE
I always wanted lots of children. That’s why I became a daycare supervisor.
HANK BAKALOV
And you shall have them, my love. Hunky Hank Bakalov is able, ready, and willing.
ALL THE CHILDREN
Hunky Hank! Hunky Hank!
HANK BAKALOV
And to think I used to hate that name!
(BUCK REXALL and GINA LATTAY enter.)
BUCK REXALL
What gives? You having an assembly on the asphalt, Ms. LaPorte?
TABBY LaPORTE
No, Mr. Rexall. We’re all just relaxing in the great outdoors.
GINA LATTAY
Cindy, I’ve got some great news. Mr. Rexall and I are dating!
CINDY LATTAY
You and Damien’s dad?
BUCK REXALL
I know a good thing when I see it, kid, or at least, when I see it a few weeks from now…
CINDY LATTAY
Mom! I asked you not to get plastic surgery!
GINA LATTAY
Buck’s just joking, honey.
BUCK REXALL
No I’m not.
DAMIEN REXALL
Dad! You said you were never gonna get married again.
BUCK REXALL
Hey, who said anything about marriage?
GINA LATTAY
We’re going to take it slowly, a day at a time. We’ve each got a steep learning curve before we can consider getting back into a committed relationship.
FRANCINE BUTTER
Just how long does it take a pompous sexist pig to learn how to be a loving husband?
BUCK REXALL
What?
GINA LATTAY
Oh, about as long as it takes an insecure, self-doubting little mouse to turn into a loving wife.
LORENA LaPORTE
A pig and a mouse…what a strange and wonderful combination.
CINDY LATTAY
Is Damien going to be my brother, Mom?
GINA LATTAY
I can’t predict the future, Cindy.
DAMIEN REXALL
If Cindy’s my sister, will I have to share my dirt bike with her, Dad?
BUCK REXALL
She’s not your sister, Damien. Trading season’s not over yet.
POPPER HAMPTON
I wish my mom would go out with Ernesto’s dad.
ERNESTO TUBBS
I don’t wanna be your brother, Popper.
POPPER HAMPTON
I got something else in mind, Ernesto.
HANK BAKALOV
Ah, love…you’re never too old or too young.
BUCK REXALL
Damien, Billy’s mom says you were picking on him. Set the record straight son, right here in front of everyone.
DAMIEN REXALL
Billy and me used to fight, but we can’t no more cause he’ll die.
GINA LATTAY
Die?
RANDY FULTON
Billy’s got a heart that’s gonna break, Mrs. Lattay.
BILLY BUTTER
But I got a momma who loves me.
HORACE GULLIVER
And two good friends.
HEIDI STOREMONT
This morning, everything seemed all awkward and out of balance here at Happy Face Daycare. Now everything’s slipped into place. I wonder what happened?
BARB LENZER
I bet the kids know.
TELLY MOLSON
Sure we do. It’s easy to understand.
PUMPKIN STUTTGART
It happens every single day.
MOONSTAR LaPORTE
Life happened.
MUPPET LaPORTE
And life is always changing…
LORENA LaPORTE
When we feel all awkward and off-balance, that’s a sign that we must change too.
HANK BAKALOV
And as we change, for a few brief moments, we reach a state of grace until the next wave of change sweeps over us.
TABBY LaPORTE
And so we must change again and again, or be left behind like children in a daycare: abandoned, anxious, afraid, and angry.
FULL CAST
We must change again and again, or be left behind like children in a daycare.
BILLY BUTTER
A child in a daycare with a broken heart.
END OF PLAY.