Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2001
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 45 minutes.
• style: clown play
• suitable for general audiences
• 17 characters (11 female, 6 male)
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Harry’s Dog” is an unabashed clown play featuring the usual suspects engaging in madcap antics as bedlam breaks loose when a lonely robot goes out of control in a funeral home.
(This play was first performed in January, 2002, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
Go to:
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Scene 5
Scene 6
Scene 7
Scene 8
Scene 9
Scene 10
Scene 11
Scene 12
Scene 13
Scene 14
Scene 15
CHARACTERS:
Harry Velox
Harry’s Dog “Benny”
Phyllis Pushcart, Harry Velox’s Girlfriend
Donna Decay, Gravedigger and Drummer of “The Ghoulfriends”
Griselda Progrief, Undertaker and Lead Singer of “The Ghoulfriends”
Debbie Dunfor, Embalmer and Backup Singer of “The Ghoulfriends”
Christine Corpus, a Dead Woman
Wing Commander Terri Thruster, Bus Driver, Rocket Pilot and Prophet
Lucille Fang, Vampire Lady from the Planet Torso
Elton Snuffle, Vampire Man from the Planet Torso
Bunky Spudchucker, two-bit hoodlum
Old Mrs. Bella Goldfarb, Bunky Spudchucker’s Grandmother
Crunchy Granola, Environmental Activist, Girlfriend of Bunky Spudchucker
Victor the Vile Henchman
Rector the Robot
Dr. Klaus Von Tinkle, Madman
Titania Von Tinkle, Wife of Klaus Von Tinkle
Harry’s Dog by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 1:
(HARRY appears and talks to the audience.)
HARRY
I guess I should start by telling you my name. It’s Velox. Harry Velox. Harry’s short for Henry, which I used to call myself, until my girlfriend Phyllis convinced me otherwise…
PHYLLIS
(entering)
Henry. Sounds like a chicken house. Hen-er-y…Baawk Buk Buk.
(She moves about like a chicken, making Buk Buk sounds.)
PHYLLIS
I’m your little chicky-chicken, and you’re my big bad rooster. Bawk buk buk.
(laughs)
I’m gonna call you Harry instead.
(PHYLLIS gives HARRY a hug, rubs noses with him, and exits laughing, and bukking like a chicken some more.)
HARRY
(to audience)
That’s my girlfriend, Phyllis…Phyllis Pushcart. She’s a short order cook down at the Virtual Café. You order on a computer, and Phyllis cooks it up right there on the screen, then feeds it into a digital image of your face that’s really a trash can in disguise. It’s a café for people on diets.
(Barking can be heard offstage. BENNY enters happily, yapping, and sits obediently by HARRY’s side.)
HARRY
(to audience)
And this is Benny. My dog. Say hello, Benny.
(BENNY barks.)
HARRY
Attaboy. Sit up and beg, Benny.
(BENNY begs.)
HARRY
Shake a paw.
(BENNY shakes.)
HARRY
Benny’s my best friend. But he can’t come to work with me, which is too bad, cause it gets lonely. I’m the janitor down at Everest Funeral Home.
(BENNY barks, and scratches at HARRY’s leg.)
HARRY
Well, gotta go. Benny needs to pee. Meanwhile, maybe you’d like to meet my boss and my co-workers. Talk to you later.
(BENNY and HARRY exit.)
End of Scene 1.
Harry’s Dog by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 2:
(DONNA DECAY, GRISELDA PROGRIEF, and DEBBIE DUNFOR enter, pushing a gurney with the the corpse of CHRISTINE CORPUS on it.)
DEBBIE DUNFOR
You want me to fill ‘er up with juice tonight, Ms. Progrief?
GRISELDA PROGRIEF
Yep, Debbie. Gotta get ‘er juiced up for the viewing tomorrow. Drain her veins and fix up her face. She’s gotta look good for the folks that’s paying us to pop her in the dirt.
DEBBIE DUNFOR
Who is paying us, Ms. Progrief?
GRISELDA PROGRIEF
The government. She’s a Jane Doe. No one knows who she is or where she comes from.
DEBBIE DUNFOR
That’s kinda sad, ain’t it, Donna?
DONNA DECAY
Yep, but I’m gonna get that hole dug, Ms. Progrief…just like you asked. Six feet deep and dry as a drunk in detox.
GRISELDA PROGRIEF
You’ve become a hell of a good gravedigger since you sobered up, Donna.
DONNA DECAY
I ain’t never gonna drink again, honest, Ms. Progrief.
GRISELDA PROGRIEF
That’s good, cause I don’t wanta hafta haul your drunken butt out of a grave again, like that time you passed out in Old Man Appleton’s hole.
DEBBIE DUNFOR
How’d ya like it in that old man’s hole, Donna Decay?
DONNA DECAY
How’d you like a hole in your head, Debbie Dunfor?
GRISELDA PROGRIEF
No need to fight, ladies. We got to practice our song for the Funeral Directors’ Convention next Friday.
DEBBIE DUNFOR
Yeah…let’s rock right now!
(DONNA DECAY beats out a rhythm, clapping her hands and stomping her feet…GRISELDA PROGRIEF sings lead with DEBBIE DUNFOR backing her up.)
Nothin’ wrong with being dead
(Nothin’…..nothin’)
It’s just like stayin’ home in bed
(Nothin’ wrong with being dead)
Oh nothin’ wrong with rotting away
(Nothin’….nothin’)
It’s just a bit smelly but that’s okay
(Nothin’ wrong with rotting away)
Well, you may as well face it
You’re all gonna die
Don’t ask how and don’t ask why.
(Don’t ask how and don’t ask why!)
DONNA DECAY
Like, we rock. Do we rock or what? We rock, right Ms. Progrief?
DEBBIE DUNFOR
We rock, right Ms. Progrief?
GRISELDA PROGRIEF
You bet. And I got a name for us…. “The Ghoulfriends”…
DONNA DECAY
The Ghoulfriends!
DEBBIE DUNFOR
We’re the Ghoulfriends! Can Harry’s dog be in the band, Ms. Progrief? He’s so cute!
GRISELDA PROGRIEF
Maybe. C’mon, let’s get this dead woman into the embalming room. We can practise some more in there.
(They exit.)
End of Scene 2.
Harry’s Dog by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 3:
(HARRY enters.)
HARRY
Yeah, Griselda Progrief’s my boss, Donna Decay digs the graves and Debbie Dunfor embalms the bodies. Debbie and Donna are a bit slow, but Debbie digs the best graves this side of Winnipeg, and Donna can make a corpse look as gorgeous as a supermodel. Benny! C’mere, Benny!
(BENNY hurries in, yapping, and sits beside HARRY.)
HARRY
How old are you, Benny?
(BENNY barks four times.)
HARRY
Four! That’s right, Benny…you’re four. I got him when he was a year old. My girlfriend Phyllis gave him to me.
(BENNY scampers offstage. PHYLLIS enters.)
PHYLLIS
Harry, you look lonely. You need a new friend.
HARRY
I got you, Phyllis…you’re my friend.
PHYLLIS
I’m your girlfriend, Harry. That’s different. You need a cutie-wutie, cuddly-wuddly little friend…a poofy-doofy, widdlums waddlums lil’ friend…a woofums, a woofy-woofy….
(She pretends to be a dog, panting, woofing, sniffing, etc.)
HARRY
A dog? I need a dog, Phyllis?
PHYLLIS
You got a dog, Harry…you got a doggy-woggy, mutty-putty, waggy-waggy doggy! C’mere, Benny! C’mere, Benny-Wenny!
(BENNY hustles in and leaps around PHYLLIS, all excited.)
PHYLLIS
Go to Harry, Benny…he’s gonna be your sugar-daddy now…he’s gonna wuv you and wuv you…
(BENNY looks fearfully at HARRY.)
PHYLLIS
Don’t be scared, Honey-pie…c’mon, come say hello to Harry…
(She pulls the resisting BENNY towards HARRY…BENNY growls, then tries to bite HARRY. PHYLLIS holds him back.)
HARRY
He doesn’t like me, Phyllis!
PHYLLIS
Nonsense!
(talking to BENNY)
This is Harry, Benny. Harry’s as gentle as a kitten!
(BENNY growls.
PHYLLIS
Whoops, I mean as gentle as a bunny!
(BENNY barks.)
PHYLLIS
I mean as gentle as a poodle in heat!
(BENNY whines happily and nuzzles up to Harry.)
HARRY
I’m not a poodle in heat, Phyllis…for gosh sakes!
PHYLLIS
It’s just a good starting point for your relationship. Now I’ll leave you two alone to get acquainted.
(She exits.)
HARRY
And that’s how me and Benny met.
(BENNY barks.)
HARRY
Benny needs to pee again. While we’re gone, maybe you’d like to meet my old teacher, Dr. Klaus Von Tinkle…be back in a flash!
(HARRY exits with BENNY.)
End of Scene 3.
Harry’s Dog by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 4:
(DR. KLAUS VON TINKLE enters with his wife TITANIA VON TINKLE and his vile henchman VICTOR. KLAUS and TITANIA speak with thick Germanic accents.)
DR. KLAUS VON TINKLE
No, I am not insane, Titania, und I will not haff mein wife accusing me of madness. You must support me in all things!
TITANIA VON TINKLE
(indicating VICTOR)
But Klaus, mitt the help of that henchman, you haff made a robot! A robot, Klaus, a monster that will make nothing but trouble!
VICTOR
Who wears the pants around here, Dr. Von Tinkle? You gonna take that crap from her?
DR. VON TINKLE
She is mein vife, Victor, und you are merely a henchman. You understand nothing of love.
TITANIA VON TINKLE
(taking DR. VON TINKLE aside)
You should not speak to the henchman in that way, Klaus. He will try to stab you to death while you are in sleepy land.
VICTOR
Nag, nag, nag. I don’t know how you put up with it, Dr. Von Tinkle.
TITANIA VON TINKLE
Klaus! Do something! Show Victor how much you love me!
DR. VON TINKLE
Very well, Titania. Look, Victor, I am giving Titania twenty dollars. You see how easily I part with the money? Surely that is proof enough of my devotion?
VICTOR
That don’t prove nothin’, Dr. Von Tinkle. A man gives a hooker money, but that don’t mean he loves her!
TITANIA VON TINKLE
Enough! Klaus, you must choose. Do you love the henchman more than me? Pick, Klaus. I will live mitt your decision!
DR. VON TINKLE
No! There is something more important now! The robot! Bring him here, Victor!
VICTOR
Yes, Master.
(He scurries off.)
TITANIA VON TINKLE
I cannot tell you, Klaus, how much I hate and fear this robot!
DR. VON TINKLE
Nonsense, Titania…Rector the Robot is as gentle as Harry’s dog!
TITANIA VON TINKLE
Harry’s dog? Why do you mention that dog…that filthy, flea bitten bag of bones?
DR. VON TINKLE
Harry was my finest student at the academy, no? Und so, I will love his dog as if he were mein own son!
(VICTOR enters with RECTOR THE ROBOT.)
VICTOR
Here he is, Master. Rector the Robot. A ton of titanium.
TITANIA VON TINKLE
Titanium! Just like my name Titania! Oh, Klaus, how thoughtful!
DR. VON TINKLE
It is just a coincidence, my dear, but a happy one, no?
(They hug.)
VICTOR
Jeez, Doc, do you have to let her mock your dignity?
DR. VON TINKLE
Enough, Victor! She is my wife, and I will give to her as much physical pleasure as I please. Do you understand?
RECTOR THE ROBOT
(intensely, loudly)
I AM SO LONELY!
DR. VON TINKLE
What? The robot, he speaks! Never before has he spoken!
RECTOR THE ROBOT
(with increased intensity)
I AM SO LONELY!
TITANIA VON TINKLE
Klaus, he is lonely! How terrible and how sad!
RECTOR THE ROBOT
(with even more emphasis)
I AM SO LONELY!
VICTOR
Ahhh, let him be lonely! I’m lonely, and no one gives a damn!
DR. VON TINKLE
Shut up, Victor. This is serious! If the robot is lonely, he will not obey my commands und all the scientists at the academy will laugh at me!
TITANIA VON TINKLE
But Klaus! What will you do? There is no more money to build a female robot!
DR. VON TINKLE
Do not worry, mein wife! We will get a body from the funeral home und give it to the robot! Then he will be happy und do everything that I ask!
VICTOR
Maybe Harry will give us a body. He owes you, Doc….you’re the one that got him that job at the funeral home…and that dog…Harry doesn’t even know it’s a robot you made especially for him!
TITANIA VON TINKLE
Klaus, you made that smelly dog for Harry? Oh Klaus, you are so clever!
DR. VON TINKLE
But he does not know his dog Benny is a robot dog. Und it must remain a secret! I love Harry as if he were mein own son, und I will not disturb his happiness! We will steal a body from the funeral home. It will be as easy as taking candy from a baby. Come!
(They exit.)
End of Scene 4.
Harry’s Dog by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 5:
(HARRY enters.)
HARRY
Sometimes people ask me if its creepy cleaning up at the funeral home, with all the bodies and whatnot. I tell them that the dead folks are easy to get along with. They don’t argue, and they don’t complain. They just lie there, all peaceful. My girlfriend Phyllis wanted me to take her and Benny to see the bodies, but at first I had to say no.
(PHYLLIS enters with BENNY.)
PHYLLIS
Harry, please, please, please take Benny and me to the funeral home…Please, please, please let us look at the bodies! I just wanna peek, a little teensy peek, and maybe just to take a little teensy weensy poke at one of them with my teeny, tiny finger to know what they feel like. Please, Harry, please, please, please?
(BENNY woofs excitedly…he’d like to see dead people too.)
HARRY
No, Phyllis…I can’t do it. I’m not allowed to have guests at the funeral home, not even Benny. I got to respect the dead folks. They’re not there for our amusement. They were alive once, and people loved them very much, and now they’re dead and there’s folks crying and weeping and such, so I can’t let you poke around at them like they were exhibits in some kind of freak show.
PHYLLIS
Oh, Harry, you don’t understand! I’m just curious, so very, very curious about them! I need to see them so I can understand them! Even the dead deserve to be understood, Harry. Death is a great mystery, and I want to explore it with them! Don’t you see, Harry? Don’t you see how much it means to me?
HARRY
Well…maybe I could let you in tonight after everyone else has gone home. You could have a quick look at a body…if you promise to be respectful and not make jokes or talk all cutesy-wutesy….
PHYLLIS
I promise! And Benny…can Benny come too?
HARRY
I don’t see why not.
(BENNY barks happily.)
HARRY
But he’ll have to behave. We can’t have him jumping all over the dead.
PHYLLIS
Oh, Harry, even the dead must have a chance to see our handsome Benny! Perhaps even the dead will get some kind of joy from our lovely, bouncy Benny boy! Come on, Benny, let’s go and get ready for our big night down at the funeral home!
(They exit excitedly, with BENNY woofing with pleasure.)
HARRY
(to audience)
Phyllis has the soul of a poet. That’s why I agreed to let her go see the body. Now I’ve got to get ready for work. While I’m gone, why don’t you folks get to know my neighbours, Bunky Spudchucker and his grandma, old Mrs. Bella Goldfarb…be back in a bit…
(He exits.)
End of Scene 5.
Harry’s Dog by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 6:
(BUNKY SPUDCHUCKER enters with CRUNCHY GRANOLA and OLD GRANNY GOLDFARB, who is possibly in a wheelchair.)
BUNKY SPUDCHUCKER
Crunchy and I want to get married, Grandma Goldfarb.
GRANNY GOLDFARB
Don’t talk nonsense, Bunky Spudchucker. You don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.
CRUNCHY GRANOLA
We don’t need much, Mrs. Goldfarb. Bunky and I are going to live in an environmentally responsible way. I’m making a tent out of woven crabgrass and Bunky has been growing herbs that will provide us with a nutritionally balanced diet.
GRANNY GOLDFARB
You talk smart for a gal with no brains, Crunchy Granola. Don’t you know that the only kind of herb Bunky grows is marijuana? He’s no good now, never was, and never will be.
BUNKY SPUDCHUCKER
That weed I’m growing is strictly for medicinal purposes.
CRUNCHY GRANOLA
Marijuana provides therapeutic benefits for those who suffer from chronic pain, Mrs. Goldfarb.
GRANNY GOLDFARB
You give me a chronic pain, the both of you. Take my advice, Crunchy, and forget about marrying Bunky. He’s headed straight for jail.
BUNKY SPUDCHUCKER
C`mon Grandma Goldfarb, give me the money for a ring for Crunchy. Then we can get married and I won’t bother you no more. Just think, you won’t have to pay my bail or hire any more lawyers to defend me.
CRUNCHY GRANOLA
Bunky’s gonna go straight, Mrs. Goldfarb. He promised me and he’s even become a vegetarian to prove it. Vegetarians can’t do bad things because they put only good things into their sacred bodies.
GRANNY GOLDFARB
You’re a regular little weed-whacker, ain’t you,Crunchy Granola? As nutty as a squirrel’s breakfast….as cracked as a walnut that’s fallen out of a tree.
CRUNCHY GRANOLA
I don’t expect you to understand, Mrs. Goldfarb. You have put toxins into your body for too many years and you are no longer rational or coherent.
BUNKY SPUDCHUCKER
I told you to lay off the beefsteaks, Granny Goldfarb, but you wouldn’t listen.
GRANNY GOLDFARB
I ain’t gonna buy you a ring, Bunky Spudchucker, and that’s that. I may be full of toxins, but I’m no fool. You’re not getting a cent from me.
BUNKY SPUDCHUCKER
Well then, Crunchy and I will have to take matters into our own hands. We know where to get a ring.
CRUNCHY GRANOLA
It’s gonna be a recycled ring…an environmentally friendly ring.
GRANNY GOLDFARB
What in hell you talkin’ about?
BUNKY SPUDCHUCKER
Harry’s going to help us out.
CRUNCHY GRANOLA
Yeah, Harry and his dog Benny are our friends. They understand our love. They’re gonna help us out.
GRANNY GOLDFARB
How the heck can that deadbeat Harry Velox and his mangy mutt help you?
BUNKY SPUDCHUCKER
Harry works at Everest Funeral Home. He sees lots of corpses.
CRUNCHY GRANOLA
And some of them have rings on their fingers.
GRANNY GOLDFARB
God help us all…you’re going to steal a ring off a dead person’s finger.
CRUNCHY GRANOLA
It’s not stealing. It’s recycling.
BUNKY SPUDCHUCKER
Dead people don’t appreciate things like rings. But Crunchy and I know the value of a nice golden ring. It symbolizes our love.
GRANNY GOLDFARB
If you steal one, it’ll symbolize EVIL, you two pea-brains! See what happens when a petty criminal gets mixed up with an environmentalist whacko? Corpses get desecrated in the name of some kind of twisted love! That’s what happens! Get out of my sight, the two of you, before I slap you upside your heads with a big juicy beefsteak!
(She turns away angrily.)
BUNKY SPUDCHUCKER
Let’s go, Crunchy. I told you she’d just get all riled up.
CRUNCHY GRANOLA
Her generation will never understand how delicately Mother Nature keeps everything in balance. We must get a ring off a dead person, or it will lead to an environmental tragedy!
BUNKY SPUDCHUCKER
Don’t worry, Crunchy my dove, I’ll get you a ring even if I have to get Harry’s dog to bite off a dead person’s finger.
CRUNCHY GRANOLA
Oh, Bunky, you’re so forceful when you’re angry…like a powerful wind that blows the cleansing rain through the forest of our love! Let’s go!
(They exit excitedly.)
GRANNY GOLDFARB
I better get hold of Harry Velox. There’s trouble headed his way.
(She exits.)
End of Scene 6.
Harry’s Dog by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 7:
(HARRY enters.)
HARRY
Well folks, over time I learned to love Benny. Only there was something a bit strange about him. At first I thought I was seeing things, but after a couple of months, I knew that something was wrong with Benny…and I knew that I loved him so much I’d keep him no matter how strange he got.
(BENNY enters…barks happily at HARRY, goes and gets a couple of pets, then goes off to sit quietly. Suddenly, BENNY’s front paw rises up in a Nazi salute, and BENNY, in a kind of barking voice, snarls “Sieg Heil” twice. Then he sits quietly as if nothing had happened.)
HARRY
See what I mean? It was disturbing, to say the least. My lovely Benny, acting like a Nazi. How could this be happening? Had he been watching the History Channel too much? I had to ask Phyllis. Maybe she knew something about it.
(PHYLLIS enters.)
PHYLLIS
Harry, Benny and I are ready to go to the funeral home! Oh, I can’t wait! Finally, I will face the mystery of death! It’s just like Christmas!
HARRY
Phyllis, Benny’s been acting strange.
PHYLLIS
Strange? What do you mean, Harry?
HARRY
Watch him. Maybe he’ll do it again.
(They watch. BENNY just sits there.)
PHYLLIS
He seems perfectly fine, don’t you, my lovums, my sweety-puppy? Hmmmmm?
(BENNY cuddles up to PHYLLIS.)
HARRY
Well, I swear I saw him do a Nazi salute…and he said “Seig Heil”…just like those soldiers you see in the movies.
PHYLLIS
Now, Harry, have you been sniffing embalming fluid? Look at Benny…so cute, so cuddly-wuddly….how could you accuse him of being a Nazi? How could you?
HARRY
Maybe I`m seeing things. Okay, Phyllis, let’s go. You can wait at the park across the street until everyone leaves the funeral home. Then I’ll let you and Benny in and you can look at a corpse.
PHYLLIS
That’s more like it, Harry…that’s my Harry, my big brave Harry…c’mon, Benny, let’s go get in the car!
(BENNY woofs excitedly and he and PHYLLIS exit.)
HARRY
And so off we go to the funeral home. While we’re on our way over there, maybe you’d like to meet my friend Wing Commander Terri Thruster, bus driver, rocket pilot, and prophet. See you later.
(He exits.)
End of Scene 7.
Harry’s Dog by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 8:
(Wing Commander TERRI THRUSTER enters and stands centre stage.)
TERRI THRUSTER
I, Wing Commander Terri Thruster, bus driver, rocket pilot, and prophet, have had a DREAM! A very, very disturbing DREAM! I must act now to SAVE THE WORLD! Earth to Planet Torso. Come in please. Earth calling Planet Torso. Please come in. NYAHHHHHH! MY HEAD! IT’S BURSTING! NYAHHHHHHH! Whomma, whomma, oooba spooba!
(She rolls on the ground, as LUCILLE FANG and ELTON SNUFFLE repeatedly enter and exit as if being pulled on and off stage by powerful magnetic forces.)
TERRI THRUSTER
WAAHHHHH! BURSTING BRAIN! CAN”T TAKE MUCH MORE!
(Suddenly, TERRI THRUSTER stands bolt upright at attention, her eyes wide with intense staring, right at the audience.)
TERRI THRUSTER
The VAMPIRE WOMAN and VAMPIRE MAN from PLANET TORSO are HERE!
(LUCILLE FANG and ELTON SNUFFLE, Vampire Woman and Man from the Planet Torso, shoot onto the stage like cannonballs, screaming across the floor at top speed and suddenly freezing, then turning to face the audience.)
LUCILLE FANG
BLOOD! Must have BLOOD!
(She staggers towards TERRI THRUSTER, who makes a sign of her own design with her arms and hands, stopping LUCILLE in her tracks.)
LUCILLE FANG
AIEEEE! The SIGN! It HURTS! It HURTS!
(She stares in silent agony at TERRI THRUSTER.)
ELTON SNUFFLE
BLOOD! Must have BLOOD!
(He staggers towards TERRI THRUSTER, who turns her hand/arm sign toward him.)
ELTON SNUFFLE
AIEEEE! That SIGN! IT HURTS! IT HURTS!
(He stares in silent agony at TERRI THRUSTER.)
TERRI THRUSTER
I am Wing Commander Terri Thruster, bus driver, rocket pilot, and prophet! I have summoned you here to earth! What are your names?
LUCILLE FANG
I am Lucille Fang, Vampire Woman from the Planet Torso. BLOOD! I must have BLOOD!
(She strains forward, despite TERRI’S sign, and gradually reaches her, wrestling her down. TERRI THRUSTER throws her off and leaps away.)
ELTON SNUFFLE
I am Elton Snuffle, Vampire Man from the Planet Torso. BLOOD! I must have BLOOD!
(He strains forward towards TERRI, who has again made the sign, and gradually reaches her, wrestling her down. TERRI THRUSTER throws him off and leaps away.)
TERRI THRUSTER
Garlic! I will eat a bulb of garlic!
(She pops a bulb in her mouth, chews, and turns her breath on the rapidly approaching VAMPIRES, knocking them back as if hit by a blast from a ray gun. TERRI keeps blowing breath, causing the VAMPIRES to roll over and over like leaves blown in the wind.)
TERRI THRUSTER
Have you had enough?
LUCILLE FANG
Yes…please stop…no more of that foul breath…I will not bite your neck, I swear!
ELTON SNUFFLE
Nor will I! Stop, I beg of you!
TERRI THRUSTER
Come here at once!
LUCILLE FANG and ELTON SNUFFLE
(together)
Yes. We are completely in your power.
(They approach TERRI, but become mesmerized by TERRI’s neck.)
LUCILLE FANG and ELTON SNUFFLE
Your neck, it is so pale, and the veins throb so magnificently…so full of blood, like a great red river of life! We feel faint! Ahhhhhh!
(They faint.)
TERRI THRUSTER
Damn, they’ve fainted. I must revive them. I’ll open a vein on my wrist.
(She does so, and gives some of the blood to LUCILLE and ELTON, who revive.)
LUCILLE FANG
Where am I? Oh yes! On a strange planet called Earth.
ELTON SNUFFLE
(also reviving)
Why did you summon us, Terri Thruster?
TERRI THRUSTER
We must go to the Funeral Home. That’s a place where dead earthlings are kept before burial. There’s trouble brewing, and only I, Terri Thruster, can stop it…with your help!
LUCILLE FANG
How can we, vampires from the planet Torso, help?
TERRI THRUSTER
Come with me…you’ll see!
(They exit.)
End of Scene 8.
Harry’s Dog by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 9:
(GRISELDA PROGRIEF, DONNA DECAY, and DEBBIE DUNFOR enter with the body on the gurney.)
DONNA DECAY
I got that hole dug, Ms. Progrief. Just about busted the back-hoe, hacking at that frozen ground, but she’s dug, ready to plant the stiff.
DEBBIE DUNFOR
I got her filled full of juice, Ms. Progrief, and all prettied up with the finest cosmetics in the business. Don’t she look nice? Kinda like the Queen of England.
GRISELDA PROGRIEF
Yup, you two are a couple of fine funeral workers. That is one nice looking corpse. Too bad we’re just gonna shove her in a hole after the funeral. Should put her on display in a store window.
DONNA DECAY
Let’s sing a song to celebrate!
DEBBIE DUNFOR
Oh yay! Oh yay, yay, yay! A song!
GRISELDA PROGRIEF
One, two, three…
(They sing.)
Look at her, lying there…
So dead, so stiff, so cold!
Look at her, lying there…
Turning into mould!
How could we let this happen?
How could we let her die?
Her heart’s no longer beating,
All we can do is cry!
Look at her, lying there…
So dead, so stiff, so cold!
Look at her, lying there…
Turning into mould!
DONNA DECAY
We rock! We rock, don’t we, Ms. Progrief?
DEBBIE DUNFOR
Oh, we rock, we are so rockin’, right Ms. Progrief?
GRISELDA PROGRIEF
Yeah, we rock…the Ghoulfriends rock. We are gonna knock ‘em dead at the funeral directors’ convention.
DONNA DECAY
Knock ‘em dead! Didja hear that, Debbie? Knock ‘em dead! Oh, Ms. Progrief, you are soooooo funny! Haw, haw!
(They all laugh a lot.)
GRISELDA PROGRIEF
Come on back to my office…You kin each have a shot of hot milk for your good work.
DONNA and DEBBIE
(together)
Hot milk! Our favourite!
(They all exit.)
End of Scene 9.
Harry’s Dog by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 10:
(BUNKY SPUDCHUCKER enters with CRUNCHY GRANOLA.)
CRUNCHY GRANOLA
Oh, Bunky, you were so clever the way you broke into this funeral home by breaking the window! Glass is a plentiful resource, cause it’s made out of sand! It doesn’t matter if we bust some!
BUNKY SPUDCHUCKER
I like to break glass, Crunchy. It helps me deal with my anger. Hey, there’s a corpse!
CRUNCHY GRANOLA
Yes, a dead person. Oh, Bunky, when will we humans learn to recycle the dead? Surely there are uses for all that meat, fat, and bones?
BUNKY SPUDCHUCKER
Let’s look for a ring on this body.
(They inspect the body. BUNKY finds a ring on one of her fingers.)
BUNKY SPUDCHUCKER
Look, Crunchy, she’s got a nice one! Ummmph! I can’t pull it off!
CRUNCHY GRANOLA
Pull harder, Bunky!
BUNKY SPUDCHUCKER
It won’t come off! But Bunky Spudchucker don’t take no sass from a dead person. There’s got to be a knife around here somewheres.
CRUNCHY GRANOLA
Bunky! I hear someone!
BUNKY SPUDCHUCKER
Hide behind the corpse, Crunchy, quick!
(They hide behind the gurney.)
End of Scene 10.
Harry’s Dog by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 11:
(DR. VON TINKLE, TITANIA VON TINKLE, VICTOR the vile henchman, and RECTOR THE ROBOT enter.)
DR. VON TINKLE
You did an excellent job of picking the lock on the back door, Victor.
VICTOR
Ain’t a lock I can’t pick, Doc.
TITANIA VON TINKLE
Look! Zere is a body, mein husband!
RECTOR THE ROBOT
(deeply plaintive)
I AM SO LONELY!
VICTOR
Easy, Rector…soon you’ll have that dead babe in your arms!
TITANIA VON TINKLE
How repulsive you are, Victor, you vile little henchman…you haff no respect for the dead!
DR. VON TINKLE
Victor, take Rector to the body…we will see how he responds!
VICTOR
Come on, Rector…let’s check out the stiff…
(He leads RECTOR to the body.)
RECTOR THE ROBOT
(effusively)
RECTOR IS HAPPY!
(RECTOR attempts to hug the body.)
DR. VON TINKLE
Goot. Now, Rector, pick up the body und we will return to my lab to find a way to animate the corpse.
(RECTOR attempts to pick up the body, but BUNKY jumps up.)
BUNKY SPUDCHUCKER
Oh no you don’t, you big dumb hunk of metal! We were here first!
CRUNCHY GRANOLA
(leaping up)
No, Bunky…that robot will snap your neck as if it were a peppermint candy cane!
RECTOR THE ROBOT
(vexed)
RECTOR IS ANGRY!
(RECTOR grabs BUNKY and hurls him across the floor. CRUNCHY screams. VICTOR laughs. TITANIA gasps. BUNKY lies unconscious on the floor.)
DR. VON TINKLE
(alarmed)
RECTOR! Try to calm him, Victor…
VICTOR
I dunno, Doc…he’s really pissed off.
DR. VON TINKLE
Victor! Do as I SAY or I will haff Rector CRUSH you like a BUG!
VICTOR
(approaching RECTOR gingerly)
Easy, Rector…come on, boy…take it easy…
RECTOR THE ROBOT
(decisively)
RECTOR WILL SMASH THE HENCHMAN!
(RECTOR hurls VICTOR across the floor. VICTOR screams in a high pitched voice and lies in a foetal position, whimpering, then passes out. TITANIA and CRUNCHY scream.)
End of Scene 11.
Harry’s Dog by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 12:
(GRISELDA PROGRIEF, DONNA DECAY, and DEBBIE DUNFOR run in.)
GRISELDA PROGRIEF
What’s goin’ on! Who the hell are you people?
DONNA DECAY
They’ve bin messin’ with the body, Ms. Progrief…
DEBBIE DUNFOR
We better call the cops!
DR. VON TINKLE
No need for that, my dears. Zere has just been a little misunderstanding. We do not mean to upset you!
CRUNCHY GRANOLA
They KILLED Bunky! They KILLED my LOVELY Bunky Spudchucker!
GRISELDA PROGRIEF
(going to CRUNCHY and comforting her)
Don’t fret, Honey, Griselda’s here. Get the cops, Debbie…
(DEBBIE begins to exit.)
DR. VON TINKLE
STOP her, RECTOR!
(RECTOR grabs DEBBIE and hurls her across the floor. TITANIA and CRUNCHY scream. DEBBIE lies still, unconscious.)
GRISELDA PROGRIEF
It’s up to you, Donna!
DONNA DECAY
I dunno, Ms. Progrief…that robot’s plenty tough.
GRISELDA PROGRIEF
(insistently)
DO IT!
(DONNA makes a break for the entrance, but RECTOR hurls her across the floor. TITANIA and CRUNCHY scream. DONNA lies still, unconscious.)
GRISELDA PROGRIEF
Dammit, I’ll do it myself…
(GRISELDA makes a break for it, but RECTOR hurls her across the floor. TITANIA and CRUNCHY scream. GRISELDA lies still, unconcsious. RECTOR approaches CRUNCHY GRANOLA.)
CRUNCHY GRANOLA
No! Keep back or I’ll have you RECYCLED into BEER CANS!
RECTOR THE ROBOT
Rector is ANGRY!
(He grabs CRUNCHY and hurls her across the floor. TITANIA screams. CRUNCHY lies still, unconscious.)
DR. VON TINKLE
Ya! Rector! You are magnificent! Now pick up that body und we will leave this place of chaos und death!
(TITANIA whimpers.)
RECTOR THE ROBOT
(after a puzzled pause)
RECTOR IS ANGRY!
(He grabs TITANIA and hurls her across the floor. DR. VON TINKLE screams. TITANIA lies still, unconscious.)
DR. VON TINKLE
Mein robot! Mein beautiful creation! You haff destroyed mein wife, the love of mein life! What madness!
RECTOR THE ROBOT
Rector is ANGRY!
(He grabs DR. VON TINKLE and, after a brief struggle, hurls him across the floor. RECTOR screams. DR. VON TINKLE lies still, unconscious.)
RECTOR THE ROBOT
(surveying the carnage)
I AM SO LONELY!
End of Scene 12.
Harry’s Dog by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 13:
(Wing Commander TERRI THRUSTER enters with the two vampires.)
TERRI THRUSTER
Just as I thought! The robot has laid waste to everyone! I saw all this in my head while I was sleeping last night. That’s why I summoned you two vampires.
LUCILLE FANG
There is much blood here…enough for a wonderful feast!
ELTON SNUFFLE
Yes, I want only to drink from the veins of these earthlings, but I fear that robot!
LUCILLE FANG
Yes, the robot is fearsome! He has no blood and he smells of death!
(HARRY and PHYLLIS enter with BENNY.)
HARRY
What in the name of the heaven is going on here!
PHYLLIS
Harry! So many dead people! I only wanted to see one!
(BENNY growls fiercely at RECTOR.)
HARRY
No, Benny…you`re no match for that robot!
RECTOR THE ROBOT
Rector will KILL THE PUPPY!
(BENNY launches himself at RECTOR. A brief struggle ensues, ending with Benny throwing himself on top of RECTOR, who is on the ground. RECTOR passes out. Benny passes out. TERRI THRUSTER rushes up and does the “one, two, three” wrestling count.)
TERRI THRUSTER
One, two, three, and they’re both out!
HARRY
Benny! Oh, my precious Benny!
(He rushes to BENNY and tries to touch him, but gets an electric shock.)
HARRY
Yowww! He shocked me! What the…?
TERRI THRUSTER
He’s a robot dog, Harry. It was revealed to me in my dream last night. Professor Von Tinkle was planning to take over the world.
PHYLLIS
Take over the world?
TERRI THRUSTER
Yes, he was going to breed this robot with that dead woman on the gurney over there, and create a race of super-robots.
HARRY
But how does Benny fit into this?
TERRI THRUSTER
Dr. Von Tinkle created Benny…
(DR. VON TINKLE gets up, BENNY gets up, and they re-enact the building of BENNY.)
TERRI THRUSTER
… then dropped him off at the dog pound…
(DR. VON TINKLE and BENNY re-enact the abandoning of BENNY at the dog pound.)
TERRI THRUSTER
… where Phyllis found him four years ago…
(PHYLLIS and BENNY re-enact the happy meeting, and all three go back to their former positions.)
TERRI THRUSTER
… Von Tinkle had programmed Benny to destroy Rector in case anything went wrong. When Rector went crazy…
(RECTOR raises his head and says, “I am crazy”, then passes out again.)
TERRI THRUSTER
…Benny’s programming kicked in and he took the robot out.
PHYLLIS
Harry said that poor little Benny-wenny was acting like a Nazi.
TERRI THRUSTER
Von Tinkle’s great grandfather was a Nazi…
(DR. VON TINKLE leaps up, does a Nazi salute, and says, “I will try to please you, Great Grand Vater! Sieg Heil”, then collapses again.)
TERRI THRUSTER
… Von Tinkle used his great grandfather’s diary as part of Benny’s artificial intelligence programming. I guess he thought that was the only thing that could make Benny violent enough to destroy Rector.
HARRY
Who are those two?
LUCILLE FANG
We are vampires from the planet Torso.
ELTON SNUFFLE
We want to suck your blood.
(They approach PHYLLIS and HARRY, and start to bite their necks. PHYLLIS and HARRY scream.)
TERRI THRUSTER
Must eat more garlic!
(She pops a bulb in her mouth, and drives ELTON and LUCILLE away from PHYLLIS and HARRY by breathing on them.)
ELTON and LUCILLE
(together)
Noooo! The foul breath of death! We will obey! We will obey!
TERRI THRUSTER
Good. Now for the final part of my plan. Vampires, use your special powers to make all the dead here undead!
ELTON and LUCILLE
We will obey!
(They utter strange sounds and all the dead, except for CHRISTINE CORPUS and BENNY and RECTOR stagger to their feet like zombies and stand there.)
TERRI THRUSTER
Now take them out to the graveyard. I will remain here and do what is necessary to see that all of them are transported back to the planet Torso with you. There, you can farm their blood for ten years, after which they will be returned to Earth, where they will resume their former lives with no memory of what happened.
HARRY
But ten years is a long time, Wing Commander Thruster.
TERRI THRUSTER
When they get here after ten years on Torso, only a few hours will have passed on Earth. They’ll wake up in their beds as if nothing happened. Get them out of here, Lucille and Elton!
(LUCILLE and ELTON utter more strange sounds and the zombies march offstage.)
End of Scene 13.
Harry’s Dog by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 14:
PHYLLIS
What about Doctor Von Tinkle? He’s responsible for all this. He should be punished for being such a naughty, naughty little man!
TERRI THRUSTER
Ten years of having his blood sucked by the aliens on Torso will purify him, Phyllis.
HARRY
What about Benny and Rector and that dead woman?
TERRI THRUSTER
The dead woman’s veins are full of embalming fluid. She’s no use to the aliens on Torso. And Benny and Rector are nothing more than heaps of scrap metal now.
PHYLLIS
Oh, Harry…let’s get out of here…it’s all so depressing. I’m a sad little girly-wirly. I want to go home and watch reruns of vapid American sitcoms. That’ll cheer me up.
HARRY
All right Phyllis. I’m going to miss Benny, though. He was such a good little dog, except when he acted like a Nazi.
TERRI THRUSTER
Go on home with Phyllis, Harry. You’ve had a bit of a shock. I’m sure Phyllis can help you feel better, right Phyllis?
PHYLLIS
Oh, now, Terri Thruster, don’t make me blush! Come on, Harry, let’s go home and cuddle!
(They exit.)
End of Scene 14.
Harry’s Dog by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 15:
TERRI THRUSTER
Right. Now, when you three come back to life, make sure you disappear into the forest right away, or the space police will hunt you down and finish you off once and for all. Now I’m going home to rest…saving the world’s hard work. You three behave yourselves!
(TERRI exits. RECTOR, BENNY, and CHRISTI CORPUS get up, and form a little tableau, like a happy family, and sing a little song. RECTOR and CHRISTI CORPUS sing, while BENNY barks and howls along.)
A happy family,
So wonderful and free,
From now on.
From now on.
A happy family,
That’s what we’re going to be
From now on.
From now on.
(They exit, with CHRISTI CORPUS riding on the gurney with BENNY, as RECTOR pushes it. OLD GRANNY GOLDFARB enters in her wheelchair, singing the blues.)
OLD GRANNY GOLDFARB
Well, I’m a red hot grandma
Riding in my old wheelchair.
I’m a red hot grandma
Riding in my old wheelchair.
I’m gonna get to Harry Velox,
But I don’t think anybody cares.
(She exits.
END OF THE PLAY.