Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2004
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 45 minutes.
• style: satire
• suitable for general audiences
• 14 characters (7 female, 7 male)
• gender-flexible casting
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• Hugo the Giant Baby is a satire in which the birth of a giant baby triggers a series of chaotic events that lead to the end of the world as we know it. Small town Canadians tangle with each other and with American soldiers and Russian spies as divine intervention manipulates the entire epic struggle.
This play was first performed on October 1, 4, 5, 6, 7, & 8 in the year 2004, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.
Published online by Good School Plays on April 12, 2018.
Go to:
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Scene 5
Scene 6
Scene 7
Scene 8
Scene 9
Scene 10
Scene 11
Scene 12
Scene 13
Scene 14
Scene 15
Scene 16
Scene 17
Scene 18
Scene 19
Scene 20
Scene 21
CHARACTERS:
Esmeralda the Magic Fairy
Granny Torkelson
Hugo, the Giant Baby
Mama Gogo, Hugo’s mother
Bull Hammel, Hugo’s father
Mother Russia
Siberia
General Motors
Private Property
Private Business
Dolly Polly
Polly Dolly
Porky Stooge, kidnapper
Sluggo Stooge, his inept partner
Hugo the Giant Baby by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 1:
(MAMA GOGO and BULL HAMMEL are on stage.)
MAMA GOGO
The stars sure are purty tonight, Bull.
BULL HAMMEL
Yup.
MAMA GOGO
Makes me kinda lonely.
BULL HAMMEL
Them stars is a long ways away.
MAMA GOGO
Makes me wanna get one ‘a them babies you’re always hearin’ about.
(sighing very deeply)
I sure do yearn for a littlun’, Bull.
BULL HAMMEL
Yup, I reckon you do, Mama Gogo.
MAMA GOGO
Can I have me one?
BULL HAMMEL
Don’t see why not.
MAMA GOGO
How we gonna get one?
BULL HAMMEL
Don’t know.
MAMA GOGO
(after a suitably confused pause)
I sure do want one a them littluns, Bull.
BULL HAMMEL
I heard you the first time, Mama Gogo. The first time.
MAMA GOGO
Then get me one.
BULL HAMMEL
Don’t see how.
MAMA GOGO
You’re my husband, aren’t you?
BULL HAMMEL
I reckon.
MAMA GOGO
Then get to work.
BULL HAMMEL
I been workin’ since the day we got hitched, doin’ everythin’ a husband’s spozed to do.
MAMA GOGO
Then how come I don’t got no baby?
BULL HAMMEL
Must have somethin’ to do with the Stars Above.
MAMA GOGO
The stars?
BULL HAMMEL
If the Stars Above wanted you to have one a them babies, I reckon you’da got one by now.
MAMA GOGO
It’s not fair, Bull. I’m still young. Why can’t I get me a little bundle ‘a joy to cuddle?
BULL HAMMEL
I’m tired from listenin’ to you, Mama Gogo. I got to go to bed.
(BULL exits.)
MAMA GOGO
(seeing a falling star)
A fallin’ star! I can make a wish! I wish I had me a fine, strong baby boy!
(ESMERALDA the MAGIC FAIRY appears.)
ESMERALDA
You crave a baby.
MAMA GOGO
Who are you?
ESMERALDA
Esmeralda, the Magic Fairy.
MAMA GOGO
Magic?
ESMERALDA
I slid down to earth on that falling star.
MAMA GOGO
Would you grant me a wish?
ESMERALDA
I already have.
MAMA GOGO
Am I goin’ to get me a littlun’?
ESMERALDA
You’re going to have a baby. But not exactly a “little one”.
MAMA GOGO
I don’t care how big or small it is, just so long as it’s mine to cuddle!
ESMERALDA
You’re going to have a baby, Mama Gogo. You must prepare yourself.
MAMA GOGO
Well, aren’t you just the most mysterious magic fairy I ever did see!
ESMERALDA
Now you see me.
(backing away)
Now you don’t!
(ESMERALDA dashes offstage.)
MAMA GOGO
I’m not gonna tell Bull ‘cause he’ll just laugh. I’m gonna wait out on the back porch ‘til mornin’ and see what happens!
(MAMA GOGO exits, all a-tizzy with her warm and nervous feelings about all that has transpired. ESMERALDA enters, dances briefly, and exits.)
Hugo the Giant Baby by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 2:
(We hear the loud wailing of HUGO, who has been magically gestated and born overnight. BULL HAMMEL enters. The wailing subsides.)
BULL HAMMEL
Mama Gogo! Mama Gogo! What’s all that hollerin’ comin’ from the back porch?
(MAMA GOGO enters, looking a bit exhausted, but quite pleased with herself.)
MAMA GOGO
I made a littlun’ last night, Bull.
BULL HAMMEL
What you mean, Mama? What you mean you made a littlun’?
MAMA GOGO
I done it last night. A magic fairy gimme the power to manufacture a child.
BULL HAMMEL
I never heard of no woman makin’ a baby without a man to do his part.
MAMA GOGO
I tol’ ya, Bull, it’s magic!
BULL HAMMEL
Well, where is the little booger?
MAMA GOGO
In his buggy.
BULL HAMMEL
Where’d you get a buggy?
MAMA GOGO
Don’t know. It was just there when I come out of my delirium. I’ll go and git my baby for you, Bull.
(MAMA GOGO exits.)
BULL HAMMEL
She’s awful darn pleased with herself. I hope I don’t got to change no diapers. That’s the worst part of havin’ a baby round the house.
(MAMA GOGO enters with HUGO in his buggy. HUGO is huge and wears a bonnet. He makes gurgling sounds and looks around curiously.)
BULL HAMMEL
Well, I’ll be a monkey’s cousin. That’s one helluva big baby.
MAMA GOGO
(defensively)
Don’t go sayin’ nothin’ ‘gainst him, Bull.
HUGO
Ahhhh! Ahhhhh! Uh uh uh Ahhhhh!
BULL HAMMEL
What you gonna call him, Mama?
MAMA GOGO
Hugo.
BULL HAMMEL
Hugo?
MAMA GOGO
Don’t he look like a Hugo?
BULL HAMMEL
I dunno.
MAMA GOGO
I made him, so I get to name him.
(There is the sound of knocking on the front door of their shanty.)
BULL HAMMEL
I better get the door.
(BULL exits.)
HUGO
Ahhhh! Ahhhhhhhh! Uh uh uh ahhhhhhhh!
MAMA GOGO
Don’t you worry none, Hugo. Mama’s right here.
(BULL returns with DOLLY POLLY and POLLY DOLLY.)
BULL HAMMEL
It’s Dolly Polly and Polly Dolly, come to see the baby.
DOLLY POLLY
That’s a huge baby you got there, Mama Gogo.
POLLY DOLLY
He’s like, really really big.
DOLLY POLLY
We heard him crying.
POLLY DOLLY
So Dolly goes, “We should go see what’s making all that noise.”
DOLLY POLLY
So we came over to see.
MAMA GOGO
(proud of her handiwork)
He’s my littlun’.
POLLY DOLLY
What’s his name, Mama Gogo?
DOLLY POLLY
Yeah, does he have, like, a name or something?
BULL HAMMEL
Hugo.
HUGO
Ahhhhh. Ahhhhh. Uh uh uh ahhhhhhhh!
DOLLY POLLY
Jeeze, he’s crying, eh?
POLLY DOLLY
We got to go, Mama Gogo.
DOLLY POLLY
We wanna tell our Russian boyfriend on the Internet about your giant baby.
(DOLLY and POLLY exit.)
MAMA GOGO
I hope them women don’t go sayin’ nothin’ mean about my Hugo.
BULL HAMMEL
Aw, Mama Gogo, folks are gonna say what they’re gonna say. Can’t do nothin’ ‘bout that.
MAMA GOGO
Now come on, Bull. We got to make diapers outta bedsheets so’s you kin change Hugo.
BULL HAMMEL
Aw, Mama Gogo, I’m not a diaper-changing kind ‘a man.
MAMA GOGO
You got to do your share, Bull. Hugo needs a daddy.
HUGO
Uh uh uh…duh duh duh…Da Da? Da Da? Uh, uh , uh.
MAMA GOGO
Aw, he called you Da Da! Ain’t he the cutest little thing?
(They exit.)
Hugo the Giant Baby by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 3:
(PORKY STOOGE and SLUGGO STOOGE enter.)
PORKY STOOGE
Not much going on today.
SLUGGO STOOGE
Darn boring if you ask me.
PORKY STOOGE
I didn’t ask you, so keep your opinions to yourself.
SLUGGO STOOGE
I got opinions?
PORKY STOOGE
Uninformed opinions worth nothing.
SLUGGO STOOGE
Porky, when are we gonna get some money?
PORKY STOOGE
Dunno.
SLUGGO STOOGE
The welfare won’t give us no more.
PORKY STOOGE
Darn government gets us addicted to free money then cuts us off.
SLUGGO STOOGE
Telling us to get jobs after we forgot how to work.
PORKY STOOGE
Shuttup. Here comes two women. Maybe they’ll give us money.
(DOLLY and POLLY enter.)
PORKY STOOGE
Say, you got any spare change?
DOLLY POLLY
Look, Polly, raggedy strangers.
POLLY DOLLY
Hey boys, we seen this big baby.
DOLLY POLLY
Polly, don’t talk to the raggedies!
POLLY DOLLY
I’m sorry, Dolly, but I’m so excited and stuff.
PORKY STOOGE
What big baby?
DOLLY POLLY
Just some giant baby over at Mama Gogo’s.
POLLY DOLLY
A baby that’s, like, as big as a man already.
SLUGGO STOOGE
As big as a man!
PORKY STOOGE
Are you playing mind games with us?
DOLLY POLLY
No way. It’s a big, big baby and that, and it just got born last night.
POLLY DOLLY
Come on, Dolly, we got to get on the internet and tell our Russian boyfriend.
(POLLY and DOLLY exit.)
PORKY STOOGE
Let’s go check out that giant baby, Sluggo me lad.
SLUGGO STOOGE
Why, Porky?
PORKY STOOGE
I smell money.
(PORKY and SLUGGO exit.)
Hugo the Giant Baby by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 4:
(GRANNY TORKELSON enters with BULL HAMELL.)
GRANNY TORKELSON
So you say Mama Gogo done give birth to a child last night?
BULL HAMMEL
As I live and breathe, Granny Torkelson, as I live and breathe.
GRANNY TORKELSON
That was awful quick, Bull, awful quick.
BULL HAMMEL
Must have somethin’ to do with magic.
GRANNY TORKELSON
What kinda baby is it?
BULL HAMMEL
A big one.
GRANNY TORKELSON
How big?
BULL HAMMEL
As big as a man.
GRANNY TORKELSON
Don’t see how Mama Gogo could squeeze out a child as big as a man.
BULL HAMMEL
Me neither, but she musta done it somehow.
GRANNY TORKELSON
How’s she takin’ it?
BULL HAMMEL
She’s as happy as a hornet in a honey pot. Proud, too.
GRANNY TORKELSON
Now look, son, I bin to the outhouse and back more times than I care to remember, and I never heard of no woman havin’ a giant baby overnight.
BULL HAMMEL
She done it somehow.
(looks offstage)
Here she comes now.
(MAMA GOGO enters, wheeling HUGO proudly.)
MAMA GOGO
Granny Torkelson! This here’s my new baby.
GRANNY TORKELSON
That’s a biggun, Mama Gogo.
HUGO
Ga ga ga GAN-MA! Ga ga GAN-MA!
GRANNY TORKELSON
Aw, ain’t that cute! He called me “Gan-ma”!
MAMA GOGO
He’s real smart. Already got teeth and knows how to use ‘em.
BULL HAMMEL
He ate a pack ‘a bacon for breakfast.
(We hear a knock on the shanty door.)
BULL HAMMEL
Now who could that be?
(BULL exits to answer the door.)
GRANNY TORKELSON
Mama Gogo, I got to tell you, there’s no woman alive or dead who can make a big baby overnight as if it was a tuna casserole.
MAMA GOGO
(defensively)
I ain’t gonna talk about it. All I know is I got me a littlun’ and I love the little critter.
GRANNY TORKELSON
He’s not so little, Mama Gogo. Fact is, he’s a giant.
MAMA GOGO
Don’t go sayin’ nothin’ mean about him, Granny Torkelson. I love him with all ‘a my heart!
(BULL HAMMEL enters with PORKY and SLUGGO.)
BULL HAMMEL
It’s Porky and Sluggo, Mama Gogo. They want to look at the baby.
SLUGGO STOOGE
How you doin’, Mama Gogo. Hey, Granny Torkelson.
GRANNY TORKELSON
Sluggo. Porky.
PORKY STOOGE
That’s a fine looking baby you got there, Mama Gogo.
MAMA GOGO
He’s a man-child. His name is Hugo.
HUGO
Guh guh guh HOOO-GO…guh guh guh HOOOOO-GO!
PORKY STOOGE
Looks strong enough to pull a plow.
SLUGGO STOOGE
Or maybe huck a man clear across a bar room.
MAMA GOGO
My Hugo ain’t gonna huck nobody. He’s a good boy.
HUGO
Guh guh guh GOOD! HOOO-GO guh guh guh GOOD!
PORKY STOOGE
Take it easy, Mama Gogo. We’re just speculating. Thanks for letting us take a lookie-loo at your boy.
(PORKY and SLUGGO exit.)
GRANNY TORKELSON
When you give birth to a giant baby, you got to expect gawkers to come visit.
BULL HAMMEL
Maybe we could charge admission.
MAMA GOGO
(grabbing BULL with the intent to choke him to death)
No one’s gonna gawk at my Hugo, Bull.
GRANNY TORKELSON
Let him go, Mama Gogo. Won’t do no good to kill your husband.
MAMA GOGO
(releasing Bull)
I spoze not. I need him to change Hugo’s diapers.
HUGO
Duh duh duh DA-DA! Duh duh duh DIE-PER! Huh huh huh HOO-GO SMELLY!
MAMA GOGO
Now come on, Bull. You got to deal with Hugo’s little accident.
BULL HAMMEL
Awwww.
(They all exit.)
Hugo the Giant Baby by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 5:
(GENERAL MOTORS enters with PRIVATE PROPERTY and PRIVATE BUSINESS.)
GENERAL MOTORS
I’m one helluva frustrated American, Private Property and Private Business.
PRIVATE PROPERTY
Yes sir, General Motors, sir.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
We hear you, sir. We hear you loud and clear.
GENERAL MOTORS
You wanna know why I’m frustrated?
PRIVATE PROPERTY
Why are you frustrated, General Motors, sir?
PRIVATE BUSINESS
Why, oh why, are you tense, sir?
GENERAL MOTORS
Because we need a super-weapon to combat those damn terrorists.
PRIVATE PROPERTY
A super-weapon. Yes, sir, General Motors, that’s what we need.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
If only we had a super-weapon, General Motors.
GENERAL MOTORS
If we had a super-weapon, we could kick some serious ass.
PRIVATE PROPERTY
We could kick some terrorist butt, General Motors.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
Kick their evil asses, General Motors.
GENERAL MOTORS
I love these here United States of America.
PRIVATE PROPERTY
Me too, General.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
Gotta love the good old You Ess of Ay, General.
GENERAL MOTORS
And I’ll do whatever it takes to take down the terrorists that wanna traumatize our all-American wives and babies.
PRIVATE PROPERTY
There’s two Canadians waiting to speak with you, General.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
They say they know about a super-weapon up there in Canada.
GENERAL MOTORS
You don’t say? Get them in here, on the double.
PRIVATE PROPERTY
Yessir, General Motors, sir.
(PRIVATE PROPERTY exits.)
GENERAL MOTORS
Hmmm, how could Canada get its mitts on a super-weapon? Nothing up there but snow and beer factories.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
Only if you believe their propaganda, sir.
(PRIVATE BUSINESS enters with PORKY and SLUGGO.)
PRIVATE PROPERTY
This is Porky and Sluggo Stooge, sir.
GENERAL MOTORS
What’s this about a Canadian super-weapon, boys?
PORKY STOOGE
It’s a giant baby, General Motors.
SLUGGO STOOGE
It’s just a couple of days old, and already it’s as big as a football player.
PORKY STOOGE
If you could clone that baby, you could make an army of super-soldiers as big as oak trees.
PRIVATE PROPERTY
Sounds promising, sir. An army of giants
PRIVATE BUSINESS
Could be the breakthrough we’ve been looking for, sir.
GENERAL MOTORS
Yes. I want that baby flown down here to the Pentagon without delay.
PRIVATE PROPERTY
But the baby’s a Canadian, sir.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
We can’t just grab a Canadian baby and haul it down here.
PORKY STOOGE
That’s where we come in, General.
GENERAL MOTORS
Clarify.
PORKY STOOGE
Me and my buddy Sluggo here could kidnap the baby.
SLUGGO STOOGE
It would look like a regular kidnapping, but you’d get the baby.
GENERAL MOTORS
Sounds good. We’ll give you two million dollars to do the kidnapping.
PORKY STOOGE
Done. We’ll have that baby down here in no time.
SLUGGO STOOGE
In no time, General.
(PORKY and SLUGGO exit.)
PRIVATE PROPERTY
Are you really going to give them two million bucks for that baby, General?
GENERAL MOTORS
What do you think, Private Property?
(All three have a good laugh as they exit.)
Hugo the Giant Baby by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 6:
(MOTHER RUSSIA and SIBERIA enter.)
SIBERIA
Did you meet Canadian dupes on the Internet, Mother Russia?
MOTHER RUSSIA
Yes, Siberia. Two women called Dolly Polly and Polly Dolly.
SIBERIA
Such silly names!
MOTHER RUSSIA
They think I am a handsome Russian boy called Gregori.
SIBERIA
Little fools. The Internet is a perfect way to deceive stupid Canadian mall rats.
MOTHER RUSSIA
They are in love with Mother Russia, and tell me everything. They do not know I am a Russian super-spy hidden deep in the suburbs of Magnitogorsk.
SIBERIA
Making Canadian women fall in love with you is a most excellent way to spy on the western powers.
MOTHER RUSSIA
These women are gullible and love to gossip. They have told to me about a giant baby born two days ago in their little Canadian town.
SIBERIA
A giant baby! Just think of it!
MOTHER RUSSIA
We Russians must have this giant baby. We will clone it and make an army of super-soldiers.
SIBERIA
A perfect way to help Russia reclaim greatness!
MOTHER RUSSIA
Yes, Siberia. Our army of super-soldiers will intimidate America.
SIBERIA
And make the whole world quake with fear and bow before us!
MOTHER RUSSIA
I have convinced the Canadian women to kidnap the giant baby.
SIBERIA
How did you convince them, Mother Russia?
MOTHER RUSSIA
I promised them careers as Russian super-models.
SIBERIA
Are they sufficiently intelligent?
MOTHER RUSSIA
It does not matter. As soon as we get the giant baby, we will liquidate them.
SIBERIA
Is a good plan.
MOTHER RUSSIA
Is the best plan ever. I, Mother Russia, am the greatest of the great Russian patriots!
SIBERIA
I bow before you.
MOTHER RUSSIA
The samovar is ready. Come have tea. We will celebrate the golden future of the Russian Empire!
(They exit.)
Hugo the Giant Baby by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 7:
(MAMA GOGO, GRANNY TORKELSON, and BULL HAMMEL enter, pushing HUGO in his buggy.)
MAMA GOGO
Now Bull, Granny Torkelson and me’s got to go buy some jugs of milk for Hugo.
BULL HAMMEL
But you just bought twenty liters of milk yesterday, Mama Gogo!
MAMA GOGO
Hugo likes to drink milk, Bull. He’s a growin’ boy.
GRANNY TORKELSON
I seen him chug-a-lug one ‘a them four liter jugs just like it was a teaspoon of maple syrup.
BULL HAMMEL
Just three days old and it costs fifty bucks a day to fill his fat ol’ belly.
HUGO
Muh muh muh MILK! Huh huh huh HOO-GO wuh wuh wuh WAN muh muh muh MILK!
GRANNY TORKELSON
He got a powerful thirst, Mama Gogo. We better go get that milk.
MAMA GOGO
You watch him real good, Bull. I wouldn’t want nothin’ to happen to my babykins.
BULL HAMMEL
All right, all right. Go on then, go buy that milk before he starts in to cryin’. Can’t stand that cryin’. Sounds like one ‘a them World War Two air raid sirens.
MAMA GOGO
He’s got fine, healthy lungs is all, Bull. We’s on our way. Bye, bye, Hugo, my little sweetie-cake!
(MAMA GOGO and GRANNY TORKELSON exit.)
HUGO
Muh muh muh MA-MA guh guh guh GO buh buh buh BYE-BYE.
BULL HAMMEL
That’s right, big fella, and now I’m gonna go bye-bye myself. I’m beat. I’ll just wheel you into the bedroom, and we’ll both have a little snooze.
(BULL exits with HUGO, and DOLLY POLLY and POLLY DOLLY enter.)
POLLY DOLLY
How are we gonna kidnap the big baby, Dolly?
DOLLY POLLY
You got to mesmerize Bull Hammel so he’ll do our bidding.
POLLY DOLLY
Ewwwww! Gross! I don’t want to mesmerize a smelly old geezer like him!
DOLLY POLLY
How else are we gonna scoop the baby? And Mama Gogo’s not home right now.
POLLY DOLLY
Why don’t you mesmerize Bull and I’ll grab the baby?
DOLLY POLLY
Because you’re more mesmerizing than me.
POLLY DOLLY
Oh yeah. I forgot, eh?
(ESMERALDA enters.)
POLLY DOLLY
Hey, a person with wings and that.
ESMERALDA
I’m Esmeralda, the Magic Fairy.
DOLLY POLLY
Where’d you come from?
ESMERALDA
I paddled here down that gorgeous rainbow in my magic kayak.
POLLY DOLLY
What do you, like, want?
ESMERALDA
I want you and Dolly to fall in love with the next two guys you meet.
DOLLY POLLY
But we’re already in love, eh?
POLLY DOLLY
With this Russian guy called Gregori we met on the Internet.
ESMERALDA
Oh, you’ll soon forget about him. And you’ll forget about kidnapping Baby Hugo as well.
DOLLY POLLY
How’d you know about that?
ESMERALDA
I’m a magic fairy, remember?
POLLY DOLLY
I don’t believe in fairies ‘cause I caught my mom putting a loonie under my pillow when I was, like, seven, and I lost my tooth and that.
ESMERALDA
It doesn’t matter what you believe. What will be will be. Now go wait over there in those bushes until I call you.
(DOLLY and POLLY go offstage obediently, under her spell. ESMERALDA exits. PORKY STOOGE and SLUGGO STOOGE enter.)
PORKY STOOGE
Mama Gogo’s gone to the store.
SLUGGO STOOGE
Should be easy to steal the giant baby.
PORKY STOOGE
Yup. Bull spends most of the time sleeping. While he’s snoozing, we’ll grab the baby and haul him down to the States in that beater we stole.
(ESMERALDA enters.)
SLUGGO STOOGE
Hey, where’d you come from?
ESMERALDA
I scooted down that forest path on my magic motorcycle.
PORKY STOOGE
Are you some kind of magic fairy?
ESMERALDA
Bingo. And you two are going to fall in love with the next two girls you meet.
PORKY STOOGE
We don’t got time for romance.
SLUGGO STOOGE
We’re busy.
ESMERALDA
I don’t care if you’re busy or not. I’m a magical being and I can fool around with your minds all I want.
(calling to the two girls offstage)
Dolly Polly! Polly Dolly! Get over here, right now!
(ESMERALDA exits as DOLLY and POLLY enter.)
DOLLY POLLY
(to Porky Stooge)
Hey, hot stuff. Remember me? Like, what’s your name?
PORKY STOOGE
Porky. What’s yours?
DOLLY POLLY
Dolly.
(taking his arm)
My, what a fine strong arm!
POLLY DOLLY
Who’s your cute friend, Porky?
SLUGGO STOOGE
I’m Sluggo.
POLLY DOLLY
Well, “Sluggo”, let’s see if you and I can be special pals!
(POLLY takes his arm.)
SLUGGO STOOGE
This is my lucky day!
PORKY STOOGE
Mine too!
DOLLY POLLY
A while ago, I was thinking about some dumb baby, but now all I want to think about is you, Porky.
SLUGGO STOOGE
Who cares about some stupid baby when I got you, Polly.
POLLY DOLLY
Let’s go into the forest and, like, hippity-hop through the daisies!
PORKY STOOGE
Nothing I like better than to hippity-hop.
(They exit. ESMERALDA enters, capering about in her joy.)
ESMERALDA
This is fun!
(ESMERALDA exits.)
Hugo the Giant Baby by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 8:
(GENRAL MOTORS enters with PRIVATE PROPERTY and PRIVATE BUSINESS.)
GENERAL MOTORS
Where are those damned Canadian kidnappers? It’s four hours past the deadline and still no giant baby!
PRIVATE PROPERTY
Bad news, General Motors.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
Our surveillance drone filmed Porky and Sluggo running off into the forest with a couple of Canadian females.
GENERAL MOTORS
What the hell’s going on, Private Property.
PRIVATE PROPERTY
Looks like Porky and Sluggo got all hot and bothered and forgot about kidnapping the Canadian baby, sir.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
And there’s even worse news, General.
GENERAL MOTORS
Well, spit it our, Private Business, spit it out.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
It’s those damned Russians, Sir.
GENERAL MOTORS
Russians?
PRIVATE BUSINESS
Yessir. We intercepted Internet messages indicating they want the giant baby too.
GENERAL MOTORS
Well, if we can’t have that baby, neither can the Russians.
PRIVATE PROPERTY
But how will we stop them, Sir?
GENERAL MOTORS
I’m sending you two to Canada with a bomb. I want you to plant it in the giant baby’s buggy and blow him to kingdom come.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
But Sir, he’s a valuable baby, a source of irreplaceable genetic material.
GENERAL MOTORS
I don’t give a flying fig tree what he is. I want him completely vaporized before the Russians get him.
PRIVATE PROPERTY
Yessir, General Motors, Sir.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
We’ll do our duty, General Motors.
GENERAL MOTORS
Good. Now hump that bomb up to Canada and blast that baby into eternity, you hear me?
PRIVATE PROPERTY and PRIVATE BUSINESS
(in unison)
Yes, Sir!
(The PRIVATES exit.)
GENERAL MOTORS
If America can’t have that baby, no one can!
(GENERAL MOTORS exits.)
Hugo the Giant Baby by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 9:
(MOTHER RUSSIA and SIBERIA enter.)
SIBERIA
Your face, it is red, Mother Russia. You are perhaps angry?
MOTHER RUSSIA
I have been betrayed, Siberia, by those two Canadian women.
SIBERIA
How?
MOTHER RUSSIA
They ran off into the vast Canadian wilderness with stupid, undereducated Canadian men.
SIBERIA
So they did not steal the giant baby for you?
MOTHER RUSSIA
They are filled with lust and have forgotten the giant baby.
SIBERIA
What will we do now, Mother Russia?
MOTHER RUSSIA
We must leave Magnitogorsk and go to Canada.
SIBERIA
Yes! We will kidnap the giant baby ourselves!
MOTHER RUSSIA
It is a job for tough Russians, not soft, weak Canadians who want only to get lucky.
SIBERIA
So disgusting.
MOTHER RUSSIA
Come, Siberia, we must start hitch-hiking.
SIBERIA
Why must we hitch-hike?
MOTHER RUSSIA
It is good to hitch-hike. We will save many rubles, then become rich oligarchs and take control of the Russian government.
SIBERIA
Oligarachs! That would be a dream come true!
MOTHER RUSSIA
Mother Russia thinks of everything.
(They exit.)
Hugo the Giant Baby by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 10:
(MAMA GOGO, BULL HAMMEL, and GRANNY TORKELSON enter with HUGO in his buggy.)
BULL HAMMEL
Mama Gogo, we’re just about flat busted broke from feedin’ Hugo.
GRANNY TORKELSON
The boy eats more meat than one ‘a them big carnivores in a zoo.
HUGO
Muh muh muh MEAT! Huh huh HOO-GO WAN MEAT!
MAMA GOGO
We can sell the shanty to pay for his diet. My Hugo’s got to eat proper.
BULL HAMMEL
But this isn’t our house, Mama Gogo. We’re renting it, remember?
MAMA GOGO
Then we got to start robbin’ banks or somethin’. Hugo’s got to eat, don’t he?
GRANNY TORKELSON
Maybe you oughta switch his diet to roots and berries. There’s lotsa roots and berries out there in the forest.
MAMA GOGO
I guess. Me and you’ll go look for some ‘a them roots, and Bull can stay here and watch Hugo.
BULL HAMMEL
I get tired ‘a baby-sittin’, Mama Gogo.
MAMA GOGO
Well, you’re not much good for nothin’ else, Bull, since your accident down at the beer factory.
GRANNY TORKELSON
She’s right, son. You done got brain damage when them cases of beer fell on your head when you was standing in front of that defective forklift.
BULL HAMMEL
I hate bein’ cognitively impaired, even if I’m only pretendin’ so’s I can get my monthly cheque.
MAMA GOGO
Now you watch Hugo real good while me and Granny Torkelson pick roots and berries in the bush.
(MAMA GOGO and GRANNY TORKELSON exit.)
BULL HAMMEL
I’m sleepy from all this talk. I got to lie down and snooze.
(BULL lies down on the floor beside HUGO. PRIVATE BUSINESS and PRIVATE PROPERTY enter with a bomb.)
PRIVATE PROPERTY
(whispering)
Good. They’re both asleep.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
(whispering)
All we have to do is set the timer on this bomb, then get the hell out of here.
(ESMERALDA enters.)
PRIVATE PROPERTY
Hey, where’d you come from?
ESMERALDA
I came down the river on my magic jet ski.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
Magic?
ESMERALDA
I’m Esmeralda, the Magic Fairy.
PRIVATE PROPERTY
Well, you’re interfering with an Official United States Military Operation, Esmeralda.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
So you better shove off.
ESMERALDA
That’s no way to talk to a magic fairy. See that giant baby? You are developing strong maternal feelings toward him. In fact, you love him with all your hearts. Later.
(ESMERALDA exits.)
PRIVATE PROPERTY
What a lovely baby. Look at him, lying there in his buggy so cuddly and cute!
PRIVATE BUSINESS
I can’t believe we were going to blow him up.
HUGO
Muh muh muh MEEEE huh huh huh HOOO-Go!
PRIVATE PROPERTY
Awwww, his name’s Hugo.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
How could General Motors order the death of such a beautiful, innocent baby.
HUGO
Huh huh huh HOOO-GO luh luh luh LIKE nuh nuh nuh NICE suh SOLDIERS!
PRIVATE PROPERTY
Awwwwww! Soooooo CUTE! We’ve got to save him, Private Business.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
Yes. He’s not safe here. Either General Motors or the Russians will get him.
PRIVATE PROPERTY
We’ll take him somewhere secure and protect him with our lives.
PRIVATE PROPERTY
We love you, Hugo. We won’t let those nasty old governments do anything mean to you.
PRIVATE PROPERTY
Let’s go before that yokel wakes up.
(The PRIVATES exit with HUGO. BULL HAMMEL wakes up.)
BULL HAMMEL
Hey, where the heck is Hugo?
(sees the bomb)
What the? Looks like Hugo turned into a bomb.
(inspecting the bomb and straining to read a label on it)
“Prop proper proper teee of of you you United States Gov Govver Gover-ment. War war war-ning…top se se secret. Do not suh sell to the Russ Russ Russians.” (realizing what he’s read)
Do not sell to the Russians?
(MOTHER RUSSIA and SIBERIA enter.)
MOTHER RUSSIA
Where is the giant baby?
BULL HAMMEL
Who are you?
SIBERIA
We are Russian spies. Tell us where is the giant baby or we kill you.
BULL HAMMEL
The baby turned into this here bomb.
MOTHER RUSSIA
Do you think we are fools? A giant baby cannot turn into a bomb.
BULL HAMMEL
Well, one minute there was a baby, and the next there was that there bomb.
SIBERIA
It is a nice bomb. Very big.
MOTHER RUSSIA
Yes. It is a big bomb.
(reading label on bomb)
“Property of Unites States Government. Top secret. Do not sell to Russians.”
BULL HAMMEL
That last part about not sellin’ it…just ignore that.
SIBERIA
You will sell the bomb to us?
BULL HAMMEL
Heck, yes. How does fifty bucks sound?
MOTHER RUSSIA
Fifty dollars is too much. We have only three rubles, which we are investing to become oligarchs.
(ESMERALDA enters.)
ESMERALDA
I’m Esmeralda the Magic Fairy!
SIBERIA
Magic fairy? How did you make yourself manifest?
ESMERALDA
I cut a hole in the wall with my magic chain saw.
MOTHER RUSSIA
What do you want, magic fairy?
ESMERALDA
Not much. You and Bull over there are going to fall hopelessly in love.
(ESMERALDA exits.)
MOTHER RUSSIA
(to BULL)
You! You are, how do you say, a big hunk! Mother Russia is interested, very interested.
BULL HAMMEL
You’re kinda hunky yourself, Mother Russia.
(moving toward her)
Whadda you say we get to know each other a little better?
MOTHER RUSSIA
Yes! I want to smother you with hot, passionate hugs and kisses!
(BULL and MOTHER RUSSIA embrace in a rapture of romantic affection.)
SIBERIA
(to herself, while BULL and MOTHER RUSSIA embrace)
Treason! And Siberia is complicit! I will steal the bomb and sell it for many Canadian dollars, then buy a donut shop in Edmonton, Alberta!
(SIBERIA takes the bomb and exits.)
MOTHER RUSSIA
There is, perhaps, a more comfortable place to snuggle, my fine Canadian man?
BULL HAMMEL
Right through here, Mother Russia.
(They exit.)
Hugo the Giant Baby by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 11:
(MAMA GOGO enters with GRANNY TORKELSON with a sack of roots and berries.)
GRANNY TORKELSON
Darned hard work pickin’ them berries.
MAMA GOGO
My Hugo? Where is he? Bull! Bull!
(MAMA GOGO exits to the “bedroom”.)
GRANNY TORKELSON
Looks like trouble’s brewin’.
MAMA GOGO
(shouting offstage)
Bull! What in the name of thunder’s goin’ on?
(BULL and MOTHER RUSSIA enter on the run.)
BULL HAMMEL
Outta the way, Granny Torkelson.
(BULL knocks GRANNY TORKELSON over.)
MOTHER RUSSIA
A madwoman seeks to lodge a bullet in Mother Russia’s great warm bosom!
(BULL and MOTHER RUSSIA exit and MAMA GOGO enters with a rifle.)
MAMA GOGO
Oh, Granny Torkelson, my Hugo’s done disappeared while Bull was cuddling with a woman that’s not me!
GRANNY TORKELSON
Maybe your baby is out there in the bushes someplace.
MAMA GOGO
I got to go look right now!
(shouting in desperation)
Hugo! Hugo! Mama’s comin’, Hugo!
(MAMA GOGO exits.)
GRANNY TORKELSON
Life’s so confusin’ nowadays. In the ol’ days, everythin’ was simple. The sun came up, then went down, and that was that until it come up again.
(ESMERALDA enters.)
GRANNY TORKELSON
Hey, where’d you come from?
ESMERALDA
From out of your brain with my magic surgical tools!
GRANNY TORKELSON
What you gonna do to me?
ESMERALDA
I’m Esmeralda the Magic Fairy. I’m going to give you temporary super powers.
GRANNY TORKELSON
Super powers?
ESMERALDA
Yes. You will be super-strong and you will be able to fly.
GRANNY TORKELSON
Hot damn!
ESMERALDA
You have a job to do. Find the Russian woman called Siberia and get that bomb away from her.
GRANNY TORKELSON
And if I don’t?
ESMERALDA
I’ll turn you into a pair of dentures in an old man’s mouth.
GRANNY TORKELSON
You got a deal.
ESMERALDA
Good. Now fly away and get that bomb!
GRANNY TORKELSON
I’m outta here!
(GRANNY TORKELSON exits, flapping her arms like wings.)
ESMERALDA
There’s nothing like a little divine intervention!
(ESMERALDA exits.)
Hugo the Giant Baby by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 12:
(MAMA GOGO enters with her gun.)
MAMA GOGO
If anything bad’s happened to Hugo, I’m gonna kill somebody! I love my Hugo more than I love my own life!
(MAMA GOGO exits and PRIVATE BUSINESS and PRIVATE PROPERTY enter with HUGO in his buggy.)
PRIVATE PROPERTY
We can hide in this old cabin in the forest until it’s safe to take Hugo to the States.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
And then one of us can get a sex change, and we can get married and buy a house in a red state, become evangelical Christians, vote Republican, and bring up Hugo like a normal, red-blooded American boy!
PRIVATE PROPERTY
Yes. All that suffering will be worth it if we can be with our lovely Hugo forever.
HUGO
Huh huh huh HOOO-GO luh luh LOVE…juh juh juh GEORGE BUSH!
PRIVATE BUSINESS
Awwwww! Isn’t that cute. He has a naïve, simple mind, just like a regular American!
(MAMA GOGO bursts in with her gun.)
MAMA GOGO
Nobody move! If I get my baby back without a fuss, no one’s gonna get hurt! Now back away from that there buggy!
HUGO
(as the two PRIVATES retreat cautiously)
Muh muh MA-MA!
PRIVATE PROPERTY
You the mother?
PRIVATE BUSINESS
We’ll buy your baby from you!
MAMA GOGO
He’s not for sale! Now get outside and go in that outdoor toilet! I’m lockin’ you in there for the duration!
(MAMA GOGO exits with the PRIVATES.)
HUGO
Muh muh MA-MA? Huh huh HOOO-GO uh uh uh AFRAID! MA-MA, HOOO-GO AFRAID!
(MAMA GOGO enters.)
MAMA GOGO
Don’t you worry, Hugo. Mama’s locked them soldiers in the toilet. Now we’re gonna go deep in the woods where no one can hurt us no more!
(MAMA GOGO exits with HUGO, who keeps repeating “HOOO-GO AFRAID! HOOO-GO AFRAID!”)
Hugo the Giant Baby by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 13:
(SIBERIA enters with the bomb.)
SIBERIA
Bomb is heavy. Perhaps I shall rest here for while. Then, I will find a highway and hitch-hike to a pawn shop.
(stroking the bomb fondly)
Siberia will get many dollars for this American secret bomb!
(GRANNY TORKELSON runs in, flapping her arms.)
GRANNY TORKELSON
All right, honey, hand over that bomb and there won’t be any trouble.
SIBERIA
No! The bomb is mine!
(SIBERIA tries to run, but GRANNY TORKELSON catches her, beats her head on the ground until she’s unconscious, and wrestles the bomb away from her.)
GRANNY TORKELSON
Now I got this here bomb, I don’t know what to do. I guess I’ll just mosey around out here in the bush ‘til I figgers somethin’ out.
(GRANNY TORKELSON exits.)
SIBERIA
(recovering)
That Canadian super-granny is too strong for Siberia! I will get help from the yokel who is the father of the giant baby. We shall form an entente cordiale and recapture the super-bomb!
(SIBERIA exits.)
Hugo the Giant Baby by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 14:
(GENERAL MOTORS enters.)
GENERAL MOTORS
I should never have sent those two dumb grunts to kill that giant baby. When there’s a man-sized job to do, it’s best to send a man to do it.
PRIVATES PROPERTY and BUSINESS
(offstage)
Help! Help! We’re locked in this stinking toilet!
GENERAL MOTORS
Hold your horses, you weaklings! Now, I’ll grab that good strong log over there and bash down the door of that toilet.
(GENERAL MOTORS exits and we hear banging sounds.)
PRIVATE PROPERTY
(offstage as the banging continues)
Take it easy, General! I’m getting slivers!
PRIVATE BUSINESS
(offstage as the banging continues)
Hurry, General. It stinks real bad in here!
(The banging stops and GENERAL MOTORS enters with the TWO PRIVATES.)
PRIVATE PROPERTY
How’d you get here, General Motors?
GENERAL MOTORS
Parachuted into the forest from a stealth bomber.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
Thank God.
GENERAL MOTORS
Where’s the giant baby? Where’s the top-secret bomb?
PRIVATE PROPERTY
The baby’s with the mother out there somewhere, running through the bushes.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
And we don’t know where the bomb is.
GENERAL MOTORS
You have failed to carry out the assignment.
PRIVATES PROPERTY and BUSINESS
Yes, sir.
GENERAL MOTORS
You were supposed to blow up that baby. That baby’s supposed to be dead.
PRIVATE PROPERTY
Now wait a minute, sir. It would be wrong to kill the baby.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
That’s the sweetest, most lovely baby in the world, General.
GENERAL MOTORS
What in hell you talking about? That baby’s a threat to the security of the United States of America!
PRIVATE PROPERTY
Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to stop talking that way about Hugo.
GENERAL MOTORS
Hugo?
PRIVATE BUSINESS
That’s the baby’s name, sir. Say it with love!
GENERAL MOTORS
Love? Love? What in the name of Abraham Lincoln’s ghost is goin’ on around here, privates!
(screaming)
I want that baby dead!
PRIVATE PROPERTY
No one’s going to hurt that baby, sir.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
So you better stop making threats against him.
GENERAL MOTORS
Who are you to tell me what to do, you miserable little pukes!
PRIVATE PROPERTY
We’re going to be the proud parents of that baby, sir.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
We’re not “miserable little pukes”. We’re going to get married and be that baby’s parents!
GENERAL MOTORS
(pulling his pistol)
You’re talking treason, and liberal values, which is even worse!
PRIVATE PROPERTY
No, we’re talking love. Love for our lovely Hugo!
(They attack GENERAL MOTORS and strangle him, then back away from the body.)
PRIVATE BUSINESS
He shouldn’t have said bad stuff about our Hugo.
PRIVATE PROPERTY
We warned him.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
Come on, we’ve got to find our baby!
(They exit and ESMERALDA enters and goes to the body of GENERAL MOTORS.)
ESMERALDA
General Motors! General Motors!
GENERAL MOTORS
(sitting up)
Where in hell am I?
ESMERALDA
In the waiting room of the dead.
GENERAL MOTORS
The waiting room of the dead?
ESMERALDA
Yes. And now your waiting’s over. Go on up to heaven now.
GENERAL MOTORS
Heaven?
ESMERALDA
Yes. Heaven. Go on now. Go on.
GENERAL MOTORS
How do I find it without my military grade GPS unit?
ESMERALDA
Just start walking up that golden staircase. You’ll reach heaven by and by. Go on now.
GENERAL MOTORS
Mama always said I was bound for glory. Never figured she meant Heaven.
(GENERAL MOTORS exits.)
ESMERALDA
Funny how humans came up with the idea of heaven and hell all by themselves. But they’re only half right. There’s a heaven all right, but there’s no hell.
(ESMERALDA chuckles heartily and exits.)
Hugo the Giant Baby by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 15:
(MAMA GOGO enters with BABY HUGO in his buggy.)
MAMA GOGO
We’re up in the highest part of the forest, Hugo, where the snow comes early.
HUGO
Huh huh huh HOOO-GO kuh kuh kuh COLD!
MAMA GOGO
I’m so tired! I’m gonna put you in that cave over there where you can be a tad warmer.
(MAMAG GOGO exits with HUGO and speaks to him offstage.)
MAMA GOGO
You can eat them roots and berries I done stored in your buggy, my littul one. Now Mama’s got to go find some more things for you to eat. I love you, Hugo, my little lamb.
(re-entering the stage)
I’m so very, very tired. I got to lie down in the snow for a minute. Just for a minute.
(MAMA GOGO lies down and ESMERALDA enters.)
ESMERALDA
Mama Gogo. Mama Gogo.
(MAMA GOGO sits up, rubbing her eyes.)
MAMA GOGO
Where am I?
ESMERALDA
You died, Mama Gogo, right here in the snow. Hypothermia.
MAMA GOGO
Hypo…hypo…I can’t even say the word that was my death!
ESMERALDA
That’s all right, Mama Gogo. You don’t have to be able to say it to do it.
MAMA GOGO
Now I’m dead, who’s gonna take care of Hugo?
ESMERALDA
All I can say is you’ve got to have faith in the workings of fate, Mama Gogo.
MAMA GOGO
I sure will miss my littlun. I guess I weren’t much of a mama.
ESMERALDA
You did your best, Mama Gogo. Now go on. It’s a bit of a hike to Heaven.
MAMA GOGO
I got to walk that golden staircase, don’t I.
ESMERALDA
Yes. It’s a long way, but it’s worth the climb.
MAMA GOGO
Been climbin’ all my life, Esmeralda. I guess a few more rungs won’t hurt none, ‘specially now I’m dead.
ESMERALDA
(as MAMA GOGO exits)
That’s right, Mama Gogo, a few more rungs won’t hurt.
(to herself)
Now I must hurry. There’s still lots to do.
(ESMERALDA exits.)
Hugo the Giant Baby by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 16:
(DOLLY and PORKY, arm-in arm, and POLLY and SLUGGO, arm-in-arm, enter.)
DOLLY POLLY
It’s, like, so novel to be in love, Porky!
PORKY STOOGE
You’re not kidding, Dolly. It’s the first time I’ve ever been happy.
POLLY DOLLY
Oh, Sluggo, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me!
SLUGGO STOOGE
We’re gonna get married and buy a condo, Polly, I promise.
(ESMERALDA enters.)
ESMERALDA
Dolly and Sluggo, you’re going to fall in love and betray Polly and Porky.
(ESEMRALDA exits.)
DOLLY POLLY
Say, Porky, why don’t you go find me a nice flower for my hair?
PORKY STOOGE
Anything for you, my little dove.
(PORKY exits.)
SLUGGO STOOGE
Um, Polly, I’m hungry. Do you think you could find me a mushroom to eat?
POLLY DOLLY
Anything for my lovely Sluggo. I’ll get you a big juicy one!
(POLLY exits.)
DOLLY POLLY
Thank god they’ve gone!
SLUGGO STOOGE
Alone at last!
(They rush together and embrace.)
SLUGGO STOOGE
I love you, Dolly.
DOLLY POLLY
And I love you, Sluggo. To hell with Porky and Polly!
(PORKY and POLLY enter.)
PORKY STOOGE
Hey, what the heck’s going on, Sluggo?
POLLY DOLLY
What are you doing with my man, Dolly?
PORKY STOOGE
(to SLUGGO)
Why, you no good, two-timing tart!
(PORKY attacks SLUGGO and strangles him.)
POLLY DOLLY
I’ll kill you for this, Dolly!
(POLLY attacks DOLLY and strangles her.)
PORKY STOOGE
(standing back and surveying the carnage)
We only got each other, now, Polly.
POLLY DOLLY
(somewhat aghast)
Yeah, like, we killed them, Porky!
PORKY STOOGE
We got to get out of here.
POLLY DOLLY
Let’s go back to Mama Gogo’s shack, Porky. We can hide there.
(They exit and ESMERALDA enters.)
ESMERALDA
Up you get.
(DOLLY and SLUGGO rise up.)
ESMERALDA
Now go to Heaven.
DOLLY POLLY
Oh Sluggo, look! A golden staircase, like the one in the mall!
SLUGGO STOOGE
Shall we begin the journey to the food court in the sky, my princess?
(SLUGGO takes DOLLY’s hand and they exit.)
ESMERALDA
Aren’t love and death wonderful?
(ESMERALDA exits.)
Hugo the Giant Baby by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 17:
(BULL HAMMEL enters with MOTHER RUSSIA.)
MOTHER RUSSIA
We have escaped from the angry wife.
BULL HAMMEL
She was gonna shoot holes in us with that ol’ gun of my grandaddy’s.
MOTHER RUSSIA
I can understand why she is jealous. You have the physique and stamina of a small muskox.
BULL HAMMEL
You ain’t too bad lookin’ yourself, Mother Russia. Call me “Bull”.
MOTHER RUSSIA
Very well, “Bull”. I will perhaps take you with me when I return to Russia.
BULL HAMMEL
Hot damn! I’d like to see them Russian bears dancin’ ‘round in the snow!
MOTHER RUSSIA
You are naïve, my wild Canadian bull. Innocence is a quality Mother Russia admires.
BULL HAMMEL
I don’t know what yer talkin’ about, but I sure do like the sound of your voice, all husky and gruff. Kinda like the chugging of one ‘a them diesel locomotives on that there Siberian railway of yours.
MOTHER RUSSIA
Do not mention Siberia. It is a name that brings Mother Russia much pain.
(ESMERALDA enters.)
ESMERALDA
Bull, Bull, while you were in the spell of this Russian spy, your wife wandered off into the snows of the high forest and froze to death. Think, Bull, think, and then get your revenge!
BULL HAMMEL
Hey, what am I doin’. My wife’s frozen to death in the snow and my giant baby got turned into a bomb and I’m flirtin’ with you like a damn fool!
ESMERALDA
Mother Russia, Mother Russia, you have neglected your duty to your nation and thrown yourself into the arms of this simple-minded Canadian peasant. He has bewitched you. Break free of the spell and punish him for his wickedness!
MOTHER RUSSIA
You have bewitched me and made me forget my duty, you filthy Canadian man-pig!
(BULL and MOTHER RUSSIA rush at each other. A battle ensues, with BULL finally emerging victorious due to a lucky trip that breaks MOTHER RUSSIA’s neck.)
BULL HAMMEL
Looks like she busted her neck or something. Now I got to find that bomb and turn it back into my baby!
(BULL HAMMEL exits.)
ESMERALDA
Away you go to Heaven, Mother Russia, up the golden staircase. Your samovar awaits you.
MOTHER RUSSIA
(getting up)
Yes! I will go now. The time has come to put an eternal sugar cube between my teeth and sip from a never-ending glass of hot tea. Mother Russia is tired, very tired.
(MOTHER RUSSIA exits.)
ESMERALDA
Siberia should be along any minute.
(ESMERALDA exits.)
Hugo the Giant Baby by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 18:
(SIBERIA enters.)
SIBERIA
Almost now am I at the shack where the giant baby was born.
(BULL HAMMEL enters.)
SIBERIA
Ah, Canadian man! I have been looking for you.
BULL HAMMEL
Outta my way, Siberia. I got to find my baby.
(BULL takes SIBERIA by the shoulders. ESMERALDA enters.)
ESMERALDA
No, Bull. You are about to fall in love with Siberia, and she is about to fall in love with you.
BULL HAMMEL
Hey, your eyes: they’re beautiful.
SIBERIA
And yours, each one is like a pool of lovely, clear vodka with a chip of chocolate floating in the middle.
BULL HAMMEL
Let’s go back to my shack and get it on, as them hippies used to say.
SIBERIA
We must hurry!
(They exit.)
ESMERALDA
Isn’t love fascinating?
(ESMERALDA exits.)
Hugo the Giant Baby by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 19:
(GRANNY TORKELSON enters with the bomb.)
GRANNY TORKELSON
I’m gettin’ mighty tired of luggin’ this here bomb through the forest.
(PRIVATES PROPERTY and BUSINESS enter.)
PRIVATE PROPERTY
Hey, have you seen a giant baby out here somewhere?
PRIVATE BUSINESS
Say, that looks like our bomb!
GRANNY TORKELSON
I didn’t see no baby, and this here’s my bomb!
PRIVATE PROPERTY
Take it easy. We don’t care about your precious bomb.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
We want the baby. The giant baby. We’re going to be its mommy and daddy.
(ESMERALDA enters.)
ESMERALDA
Granny Torkelson, these two American soldiers want a family. They’re lonely and heartbroken. Help them.
GRANNY TORKELSON
You ain’t ever gonna find that giant baby. Why don’t you let me be your baby instead. You can adopt me and we can live offa my pension.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
I guess having an old baby’s just about as good as having a giant baby.
PRIVATE PROPERTY
We could love you just like we love Hugo.
GRANNY TORKELSON
Yep. I’m Hugo’s granny, and that makes me almost the same thing.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
You’re his grandmother?
PRIVATE PROPERTY
I guess this is our lucky day. We lost Hugo, but we found a granny who’s going to be a baby who’s the same thing as Hugo, only we don’t have to change your diapers.
GRANNY TORKELSON
Yep. Now, maybe you could show me how this bomb works. I’m kinda curious about bombs and that.
(They begin to exit.)
PRIVATE PROPERTY
Sure. You just twist this dial here like this.
PRIVATE BUSINESS
And then you push this button like this and the countdown begins.
GRANNY TORKELSON
You don’t say.
(By now they’ve exited. We hear a tremendous explosion.)
ESMERALDA
(to audience)
Everybody’s got to die sometime. Deal with it.
(The two PRIVATES and GRANNY TORKELSON enter.)
ESMERALDA
Time for you three to climb the golden staircase to Heaven. Get to it.
PRIVATES and GRANNY TORKELSON
(in unison)
Fall down, go boom! Get up, go to Heaven!
(The PRIVATES and GRANNY TORKELSON exit.)
ESMERALDA
Heaven’s getting kind of crowded.
(MAMA GOGO, MOTHER RUSSIA, GENERAL MOTORS, DOLLY POLLY, SLUGGO STOOGE, GRANNY TORKELSON, PRIVATE PROPERTY, and PRIVATE BUSINESS cross the stage, whirling as if in a strange trance/dance.)
ESMERALDA
Yes, rather crowded.
(ESMERALDA exits.)
Hugo the Giant Baby by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 20:
(POLLY DOLLY and PORKY STOOGE enter.)
POLLY DOLLY
Here we are in Mama Gogo’s shanty. I, like, love you so much, Porky.
PORKY STOOGE
I guess everything’s worked out for the best, Polly.
POLLY DOLLY
It’s too bad that Dolly and Sluggo had to die.
PORKY STOOGE
Guess it’s what you’d call “fate”.
(BULL HAMMEL and SIBERIA enter.)
BULL HAMMEL
Hey, what are you doin’ in my shack?
SIBERIA
The Bull and I wish to be alone!
(ESMERALDA enters.)
ESMERALDA
Bull, you must fall in love with Polly. Polly, you must fall in love with Bull.
POLLY DOLLY
Bull, why don’t you show me that back room of yours. I heard that Mama Gogo made a cute quilt for your bed.
BULL HAMMEL
She sure did. Come and take a look. It’s made out of her grand pappy’s pajamas.
(BULL and POLLY exit.)
PORKY STOOGE
Hey, what the heck’s going on, Polly?
SIBERIA
Bull! You must not go into a bedroom with another woman!
(They exit. We hear bangs and shouts and screams. PORKY and SIBERIA enter.)
PORKY STOOGE
Well, they asked for it.
SIBERIA
Yes. They betrayed us.
PORKY STOOGE
And they had to pay the price.
SIBERIA
Now, there is only you and me, my Porky.
(SIBERIA offers her arm.)
PORKY STOOGE
Only you and me, Siberia.
(PORKY takes SIBERIA’S arm and they exit. BULL HAMMEL and POLLY DOLLY enter.)
ESMERALDA
Everybody’s got to go to Heaven in the end. Now up that golden staircase you must go.
BULL HAMMEL
You got to admit that life’s kinda strange. And death, that’s kinda strange too!
POLLY DOLLY
They’re, like, a total mystery.
(BULL and POLLY exit.)
ESMERALDA
Things are wrapping up quickly here on Planet Earth. Not much more for me to do.
(ESMERALDA exits.)
Hugo the Giant Baby by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 21:
(The DEAD assemble on the stage and form tableaux: GRANNY TORKELSON with the two PRIVATES, MAMA GOGO by herself, MOTHER RUSSIA by herself, GENERAL MOTORS by himself, DOLLY POLLY with SLUGGO STOOGE,and BULL HAMMEL with POLLY DOLLY. They become very still. ESMERALDA enters.)
ESMERALDA
Soon, Porky and Siberia will be here. You must tell them what to do.
(PORKY STOOGE and SIBERIA enter.)
SIBERIA
It is strange, as if the dead are watching us.
PORKY STOOGE
Like they’re gazing down at us from Heaven.
(The CAST begin giving SIBERIA and PORKY instructions.)
MAMA GOGO
My lovely Hugo is in a cave up in that there high forest, where the snow starts.
GRANNY TORKELSON
You got to go find him.
BULL HAMMEL
You got to bring him home.
ALL THE DEAD
(in unison)
Bring him home. Bring Hugo home.
SIBERIA
Porky, we must go to the high forest.
PORKY STOOGE
We got to look for that big baby. He’s probably in a cave up there.
(PORKY and SIBERIA exit. The DEAD sit and wait.)
ESMERALDA
The Dead must be patient.
THE DEAD
(in unison)
The Dead must be patient.
ESMERALDA
Eternity is a long time.
THE DEAD
(in unison)
Eternity is a long time.
(SIBERIA and PORKY enter, wheeling in HUGO in his buggy.)
PORKY STOOGE
Here you are, Hugo, home again, safe and sound.
SIBERIA
You are a good baby, Hugo. You do not make a fuss.
HUGO
Huh huh huh HOOO-Go muh muh muh MUST guh guh guh GET OUT of buh buh buh BUGGY!
(HUGO strains to lift himself out of his buggy, and finally manages to stand unsteadily on his shaky legs. PORKY and SIBERIA assist him.)
PORKY STOOGE
Easy, big fella.
SIBERIA
Your legs are not yet strong!
HUGO
Huh huh huh HOOO-GO muh muh muh MUST kuh kuh kuh CRUSH huh huh huh HEADS of tor tor tor TORMENTORS!
(HUGO places his hands on the heads of PORKY and SIBERIA and crushes their skulls. They fall down dead after hollering for a while.)
ESMERALDA
The day of judgment is here.
THE DEAD
(in unison)
The end of the world as we know it.
ESMERALDA
Porky, Siberia, join your brethren in Heaven.
(PORKY and SIBERIA arise and join the DEAD.)
ESMERALDA
Hugo, you are the last human alive. Look at the Dead. They are happy in Heaven.
(The DEAD smile and embrace one another, and laugh, then become still again.)
ESMERALDA
Hugo, you must spend the rest of your years writing the true history of humanity, because all former histories were false.
(ESMERALDA hands HUGO a big book and a pencil, which he solemnly takes. He sits down and begins to print in the book.)
HUGO
The History of the World…by…Hooo-Go!
(ESMERALDA sits down comfortably, and takes her knitting needles and works at knitting a scarf as HUGO prints away in his book and the lights go down.)
END OF THE PLAY.