Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2006
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 55 minutes
• style: light realist drama
• suitable for general audiences
• 30 characters (24 female, 6 male)
• gender-flexible casting
• a good play for learning how to perform vigorous arguments on stage
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Jake’s Motel” is a light drama about a group of people who arrive at a prairie motel that serves as a way station between this life and the next.
(This play was first performed on October 30, 31 & November 1,2, & 3, in the year 2006, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
∗Published Online by Good School Plays, March 1, 2018.
Go to:
Act One, Scene 1
Act One, Scene 2
Act One, Scene 3
Act One, Scene 4
Act One, Scene 5
Act One, Scene 6
Act One, Scene 7
Act One, Scene 8
Act One, Scene 9
Act One, Scene 10
Act One, Scene 11
Act One, Scene 12
Act Two, Scene 1
Act Two, Scene 2
Act Two, Scene 3
Act Two, Scene 4
Act Two, Scene 5
Act Two, Scene 6
Act Two, Scene 7
CHARACTERS:
Jake Archer, owner and manager of Jake’s Motel
Penny, his wife
Constable Vince Bowman
Constable Grace Freeborn
Shannon Wellstone, newly wed
Teddy Wellstone, newly wed
Marylou Tacker, a mother
Corky Tacker, her teenage daughter
Lobo Jack
Fay Jack, his mother
Veronica Debussy,
Brandy Kellog, her secretary
Tina Nash
Chrissy Nash, her sister
Chuck Pavlov
Misty Pavlov, his wife
Chicky Pavlov, their daughter
Sandy Kosinski
Nadia Kosinski, her daughter
Nancy Toffler, a singer of medieval songs
Kelly Dresden, her flute-playing accompanist
Ted Winthrop
Evie Winthrop, his wife
Bernie Winthrop, their son
Missy Tatum
Henessy Tatum, her daughter
Ellen Caulfield, a widow
Salome Caulfield, her eldest daughter
Yerma Caulfield, her middle daughter
Tanya Caulfield, her youngest daughter
Jake’s Motel by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 1:
(JAKE is on stage. He addresses the audience.)
JAKE
The name’s Jake, and this is my motel. It’s a place for folks like you to stop and rest on your way from A to B, or A to Zee, if you prefer. The rooms are clean and cheap, and you can do pretty much whatever you want in them so long as you don’t bother your neighbours. I’d kinda like it if all you’d do is sleep, but, being human, you’re probably going to do a heck of a lot more than that.
(JAKE’s wife PENNY enters. She drinks a lot of coffee.)
JAKE
(to audience)
This is my wife Penny. Tonight, it’s my turn to stay out here in the office. She gets to relax in our suite in the back.
PENNY
There’s a good one on TV, Jake.
JAKE
Yeah? So why aren’t you watching?
PENNY
Commercial break.
JAKE
What’s the show about?
PENNY
They take this guy and erase his memory, then get all the folks who know him to tell him who he is.
JAKE
So what happens?
PENNY
Dunno. Show’s not over yet.
JAKE
Kinda funny to think of everyone else deciding who I am.
PENNY
Isn’t that what happens when you die?
(PENNY exits.)
JAKE
(to audience)
Penny never finished high school, but she’s just about the smartest soul I’ve ever known. I figure she could even be a professor or something if she really wanted to.
(CONSTABLE BOWMAN enters with CONSTABLE FREEBORN.)
JAKE
(to audience)
Uh oh…here comes the constabulary.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Evening, Jake. This is Grace.
JAKE
Grace?
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
Constable Grace Freeborn.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
She’s the new officer I was telling you about.
JAKE
Uh huh.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
And what did you tell him about me, Constable Bowman?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Vince.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
Vince.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
I told Jake that A: you’re new and B: you eat like a bird.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
You didn’t tell him I graduated from the Academy at the top of the class?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Nope. Not relevant.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
Not relevant?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Good marks don’t mean nothin’ out here in the middle of the lonesome old prairie.
JAKE
To my way of thinking, being smart is a good thing anywhere.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
How smart is it to go around thinking you’re better than everyone else?
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
I don’t do that.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Then why brag about being top of the class?
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
It’s not bragging. It’s just my credentials.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
You know what your real credentials are?
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
What?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
You’re young and strong and if you can get over yourself, you might actually be able to learn something useful.
JAKE
Vince likes you, Grace.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
Likes me?
JAKE
Sure. He knows you’ve got what it takes, or he wouldn’t talk to you that way.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
I’m going out to the car. Excuse me, Mr. Archer.
JAKE
Jake.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
Jake.
(she begins to exit)
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Running away, Grace?
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
I’m having doubts about the wisdom of accepting this posting.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
You want to help people, don’t you?
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
Of course.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Then you’re in the right place.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
How can I help people if you make me feel helpless?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
You’ve got to be helpless before you can be helpful.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
Why?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
You’ll find out. I hope.
JAKE
No need to be glum, Grace. You like to learn, don’t you?
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
I’ve always been an outstanding student.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
She’s not listening, Jake.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
You’re playing a game with me and I don’t understand the rules.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
There are no rules. We make up the game as we go along.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
What if I don’t want to play?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
You don’t strike me as the type to just throw away your life.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
Oh come on, we’re talking about my job, not my life.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Your job here is your life.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
Maybe for you.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
For everyone around here, Grace.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
If you’re trying to scare me, it won’t work.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Nothing scary about the truth.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
And what exactly is the truth?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
What I said: this job is your life.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
You think I’m going to be out here forever?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Forever and ever, amen.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
Wrong. I’ll get some experience and find a better job in the city.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Figure it out, Grace, or you’ll never have a moment’s peace.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
Look, instead of playing “mystery cop”, just tell me what’s going on.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Remember when I said there are no rules? I lied. There’s one big rule: you’ve got to tell me what’s going on, not vice-versa.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
I’ll be out in the car.
(GRACE exits.)
JAKE
She gonna make it, Vince?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Sooner or later. What other choice does she have?
Jake’s Motel by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 2:
(SHANNON WELLSTONE and TEDDY WELLSTONE enter.)
SHANNON WELLSTONE
(pulling TEDDY aside)
Teddy, this is not the sort of place I had in mind for the first night of our marriage!
TEDDY WELLSTONE
(aside, to SHANNON)
It’s the only place in sight and the car’s broken down. Where else can we stay?
SHANNON WELLSTONE
(to CONSTABLE BOWMAN)
Officer, our vehicle’s not functioning and our cellular telephone doesn’t seem to be working either. Could you summon an auto rental agency for us?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
I think you need to talk to Jake, ma’am.
(CONSTABLE BOWMAN exits.)
SHANNON WELLSTONE
(to Constable Bowman as he exits)
Jake?
JAKE
Jake Archer, ma’am. Owner/operator of this motel.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
Mr. Archer, perhaps you have a telephone I could use, and a Yellow Pages directory?
JAKE
Sorry, ma’am, no can do. Haven’t had a phone here since I don’t know when.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
No phone? But you have electricity.
JAKE
Well, yes. I guess you could say we’re lucky that way. You want a room?
TEDDY WELLSTONE
Yes, we’d like a room, Mr. Archer.
JAKE
Jake.
TEDDY WELLSTONE
Jake. We’re on our honeymoon. In fact it’s our first night, and we’ve been driving for ages and…
SHANNON WELLSTONE
(interrupting him)
Teddy! If we must stay here, please just stick to the business of getting us a room!!
JAKE
Just married! Well, congratulations, folks.
(PENNY enters.)
PENNY
Jake, the guy who’s memory got erased…
JAKE
Yeah?
PENNY
He became a Buddhist monk.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
Teddy, I’m getting one of my headaches.
PENNY
Try panting like a dog, honey. That’s what I do when the old brain starts to pound. It’s kind of soothing.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
Teddy!
TEDDY WELLSTONE
So do you have something suitable?
PENNY
(to JAKE)
He said if all he does is meditate, then he can’t hurt nobody no more.
(PENNY exits.)
JAKE
I got a nice little unit out on the edge of the prairie. You can see the stars through the window.
(handing TEDDY a key)
Number twenty-six.
TEDDY WELLSTONE
Don’t we have to sign a register or something?
JAKE
Let’s worry about that some other time.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
I insist on registering. I’m Shannon Trelawny. I mean Wellstone. And this is my husband Teddy Wellstone.
JAKE
Wellstone. That’s a swell name.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
Teddy, please pay the man in advance.
TEDDY WELLSTONE
How much is it for one night, Mr. Archer?
JAKE
Jake.
TEDDY WELLSTONE
Jake.
JAKE
Well, for one night it’s…
(calling to PENNY)
Hey Penny, how much for one night?
PENNY
(calling from offstage)
Ten percent of whatever cash they’ve got on them!
SHANNON WELLSTONE
Ten percent of…Mr. Archer, surely you have fixed rates!
TEDDY WELLSTONE
Ten percent’s more than fair, Jake.
(takes out wallet)
Let’s see, I’ve got about two hundred, so that makes it twenty bucks.
(TEDDY hands over a bill to Jake.)
JAKE
Good doing business with you.
(gives the bill to SHANNON)
Here you go, Mrs. Wellstone.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
(taking the bill)
What’s this for?
JAKE
Your wedding present.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
We don’t even know you.
JAKE
Sure you do. I’m Jake, remember?
SHANNON WELLSTONE
Oh, for heaven’s sake.
JAKE
Exactly.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
(taking TEDDY aside)
Teddy, I’m don’t feel good about this.
TEDDY WELLSTONE
We’re getting a free motel room for the first night of our married life.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
In the middle of nowhere.
TEDDY WELLSTONE
I kind of like it out here on the prairie.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
It’s lonely.
TEDDY WELLSTONE
Well, there’s Jake, and Penny in the back room over there.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
They’re strangers.
TEDDY WELLSTONE
There’s something familiar about them.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
Teddy, I want you to stop arguing and start listening.
TEDDY WELLSTONE
I’m not arguing, Shannon.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
Yes you are. I tell you I’m lonely and you go on and on about that man over there and that Penny woman and how much you love the prairie.
TEDDY WELLSTONE
I want to help you feel better.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
I feel what I feel and you don’t understand.
TEDDY WELLSTONE
Shannon, I know it’s been a long day, but let’s not fight on our wedding night.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
I’m not fighting. The day started badly and it’s ending badly and you just keep going along as if everything’s fine.
TEDDY WELLSTONE
I’m trying to make the best of things, and you should too.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
Teddy, give me that key.
(grabbing the key from his hand)
Get the suitcases from the car and meet me in our room.
(SHANNON exits.)
TEDDY WELLSTONE
Sorry about Shannon, Jake. She’s had a tough day.
JAKE
Is that right.
TEDDY WELLSTONE
Her dog Gypsy died this morning. The morning of her wedding.
JAKE
Poor kid.
(We hear a bark or two from offstage.)
TEDDY WELLSTONE
That sounds exactly like Gypsy’s bark!
JAKE
You don’t say!
TEDDY WELLSTONE
Well, I better get those suitcases. Thanks, Jake.
JAKE
Don’t mention it.
(TEDDY exits.)
Jake’s Motel by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 3:
(MARYLOU TACKER enters with her daughter CORKY.)
MARYLOU TACKER
I really would prefer to keep on driving, Corky.
CORKY TACKER
Mom, you’re exhausted. You’d crash the car and kill us both if you kept on driving.
MARYLOU TACKER
I just want to get as far away from your father as possible.
CORKY TACKER
We’ve been driving all day. Just how far do we have to go before it’s far enough?
MARYLOU TACKER
To the other side of the universe.
JAKE
Can I help, you, ma’am?
MARYLOU TACKER
My daughter’s talked me into stopping here for the night. Do you have a room?
JAKE
Sure do.
MARYLOU TACKER
I hope it’s not too dear. We’re a bit low on cash.
JAKE
We’ve got something for everyone.
CORKY TACKER
That’s a nice sign you got out there, mister.
JAKE
Call me Jake.
CORKY TACKER
Mister Jake.
JAKE
Just Jake.
CORKY TACKER
A sign like that must have cost a lot of money, Jake.
JAKE
Isn’t it a doozy?
CORKY TACKER
You can see it from way across the prairie, like a lighthouse beacon or something.
(PENNY enters.)
PENNY
You want a taco, Jake?
JAKE
No, I’m good.
PENNY
How about you folks? You look like you could eat a taco.
CORKY TACKER
I’d like one.
MARYLOU TACKER
We’ve got sandwiches in the car, Corky.
(to Penny)
Thanks, but we’ve got to eat our sandwiches before the turkey goes bad.
CORKY TACKER
Mom made a huge pile of sandwiches with frozen slices of processed turkey meat.
PENNY
Nothing wrong with that, kid. There’s some folks out there who are so hungry they’d eat a dried horse turd.
(PENNY exits.)
MARYLOU TACKER
About that room.
JAKE
You want a double?
CORKY TACKER
Yes!
MARYLOU TACKER
No!
CORKY TACKER
Please, Mom!
MARYLOU TACKER
A single’s fine.
CORKY TACKER
It’s not a good idea for me to share a bed with you. What if you thrash?
MARYLOU TACKER
Why would I “thrash”?
CORKY TACKER
Because you’re so agitated about Dad.
JAKE
There’s a portable cot in the closet in your room.
MARYLOU TACKER
Does it cost extra?
JAKE
Nope. Comfy, too. Like sleeping on a cloud.
CORKY TACKER
Thanks, Jake. Mom’s exhausted. She needs a bed to herself. She’s running away from my dad.
MARYLOU TACKER
Corky.
CORKY TACKER
Daddy’s been mean to us, so Mom put me in the car and we drove and drove way out here on the big old prairie where Daddy can’t find us.
MARYLOU TACKER
My husband’s an alcoholic. Lately, it’s gotten worse, much worse. Corky and I are going to start a new life somewhere else.
JAKE
A new life.
CORKY TACKER
But Daddy has all the money, so we’ve got to start all over with nothing.
JAKE
Nothing wrong with nothing. It’s clean and pure.
MARYLOU TACKER
About that room…
JAKE
(giving her a key)
Number five out by that little stand of spruce trees, nice and sheltered.
MARYLOU TACKER
How much is it?
JAKE
How much can you pay?
MARYLOU TACKER
I’ve got this gold wedding ring.
JAKE
If you like, you can give it to me in the morning when you check out.
CORKY TACKER
Thanks, Jake. Where do I get that portable cot again?
JAKE
It’ll be in the closet, Corky.
MARYLOU TACKER
Don’t you need my name or something?
JAKE
I know your name. It’s “Mom”.
MARYLOU TACKER
I suppose it is.
(MARYLOU and CORKY exit.)
Jake’s Motel by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 4:
(FAY JACK enters and calls to LOBO, who is offstage.)
FAY JACK
(loudly)
Lobo! Lobo! In here, ya big lunk!
LOBO JACK
(shouting from offstage)
Keep your shirt on, Mama!
FAY JACK
(shouting)
Don’t tell me to keep my shirt on!
(turning to Jake)
Sorry, mister. Lobo’s a bit of a handful.
JAKE
Uh huh.
FAY JACK
He don’t mean nothin’ by it; he’s kinda like a big dumb kid even though he’s a man.
(LOBO enters.)
LOBO JACK
Mama, they got a helluva nice tree out there.
JAKE
You mean that big banyan tree?
LOBO JACK
A man can have a good talk with a tree like that.
FAY JACK
Lobo, ya big fool, you can’t talk to no tree.
LOBO JACK
Says who?
FAY JACK
Says me, and I’m yer ma, so I know best.
LOBO JACK
And that tree knows better than both of us.
JAKE
It’s one of a kind around here, that’s for sure.
LOBO JACK
What’s yer name, mister?
JAKE
Jake.
LOBO JACK
You hear that, Ma? His name is Jake, same as pop’s!
FAY JACK
God rest his feisty old soul.
LOBO JACK
(to JAKE)
Pop turned into a wolf and ran off into the bush.
FAY JACK
No he never, Lobo. He died from the big C.
LOBO JACK
Ma, you don’t know nothing.
FAY JACK
I know I was sitting beside him in the bed you was conceived in when he took his last breath.
LOBO JACK
You kin have your story, and I kin have mine.
JAKE
They’re both good stories..
FAY JACK
We’ll be needing a room if you got one, mister.
JAKE
Jake.
FAY JACK
Jake. I’m kinda beat from driving that ol’ pickup acrosst the prairie.
LOBO JACK
I ride in the back, like a dog.
FAY JACK
Well that’s the way you like it, ain’t it?
(to JAKE)
He could ride up front if he wanted, but he hunkers down in the box under a tarp.
LOBO JACK
There’s an invisible guy riding beside you, Ma. There’s no room for me.
FAY JACK
There ain’t no invisible guy ! There’s just a lonely ol’ bucket seat that’s got your name on it, son.
LOBO JACK
Ma, I don’t see why you won’t take my word for nothing I ever tell ya.
FAY JACK
Why should I believe there’s some invisible guy sittin’ beside me in the damn truck, Lobo?
LOBO JACK
Cause I say he’s there, and I’m yer son, for the love of all that’s holy.
FAY JACK
So what’s he supposed to be doing, hitching a ride to an invisible town?
LOBO JACK
He’s sitting on his ass enjoying the view out the window and thinking about having a hot turkey sandwich for his supper.
FAY JACK
Good for him. Meanwhile, you sit in the back with the cold wind blowing up your ass. You’re gonna get pnuemonia, ya stupid lunk.
LOBO JACK
There’s nothin’ blowin’ up my ass except the hot air comin’ out of yer mouth, Ma!
JAKE
(handing FAY a key)
Well, the air’s just right in Unit Twelve.
LOBO JACK
Twelve! Like the disciples of Christ, Ma!
FAY JACK
(to JAKE)
Lobo knows religion, and not just the Jesus stuff. Ask him anything about gods and angels and holy books and that, and he kin give ya the answer. He’s sorta like a religion computer.
JAKE
No kidding!
LOBO JACK
Don’t brag, Ma.
FAY JACK
I got to balance out the complaining, don’t I?
JAKE
She’s got a point, Lobo.
LOBO JACK
Them religions are basically all the same. You seen one, you seen ‘em all.
JAKE
Amen.
FAY JACK
I’m taklng Lobo down the road a piece. We’re headed for the rodeo.
LOBO JACK
I’m gonna liberate a bull.
FAY JACK
No you ain’t!
(to JAKE)
I’m a rodeo clown. It’s kinda dangerous, but it pays good.
LOBO JACK
Rodeos are bad for them animals. It ain’t right to make ‘em buck and that.
FAY JACK
If Lobo had his way, he’d load all them rodeo critters onto trucks and haul ‘em out in the bush and let ‘em go.
LOBO JACK
A bull in the bush is a thing of beauty.
JAKE
Yep.
FAY JACK
How much for the room, Jake?
JAKE Oh,
I don’t know.
(PENNY enters.)
PENNY
Jake, you need a break?
JAKE
Nope.
LOBO JACK
(to PENNY)
My ma needs a break. You wanna take her place at the rodeo?
PENNY
Hell no. These old pegs of mine are too damn stiff to dodge bulls and broncos.
LOBO JACK
Ma, you’re too old for the rodeo. Let me do it for ya.
FAY JACK
No Lobo. You’d be on the side of the bulls and broncos, and that’s not how the rodeo works.
(FAY and LOBO exit.)
PENNY
You need anything, Jake, you just holler.
(PENNY exits.)
JAKE
(to audience)
Some folks say a rodeo is a symbol of life. Lots of bravado and broken bodies.
Jake’s Motel by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 5:
(VERONICA DEBUSSY enters with BRANDY KELLOG, who is helping her walk.)
VERONICA DEBUSSY
Stop fussing over me, Brandy.
BRANDY KELLOG
I don’t want you to fall, Mrs. Debussy.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
Fall? Why would I fall?
BRANDY KELLOG
You have trouble with your balance when you’re tired.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
Don’t be silly. Let go of me at once!
(VERONICA shakes herself free of BRANDY but immediately staggers and begins to fall. JAKE and BRANDY stop her fall.)
JAKE
Best have a seat, ma’am.
BRANDY KELLOG
(to JAKE)
We’ve been on the road for far too long. I should have stopped hours ago.
JAKE
Well, you can rest now.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
Where’s my purse, Brandy?
BRANDY KELLOG
Right here on your arm, Mrs. Debussy.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
Young man, is this your house?
JAKE
Well, I guess you call it that. The name’s Jake.
BRANDY KELLOG
It’s a motel, Mrs. Debussy. We’re going to spend the night here.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
My bones are killing me. What I wouldn’t give for a hot toddy.
JAKE
Sorry ma’am, we don’t serve liquor.
BRANDY KELLOG
That’s all right. She’s not allowed to drink.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
I don’t see why not. I’m going to die anyway.
BRANDY KELLOG
You know alcohol upsets your stomach, Mrs. Debussy.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
You upset my stomach, Brandy, the way you spoil all my little hopes and dreams.
BRANDY KELLOG
I’m just following the rules. Your family wants you to stay as fit as possible under the circumstances.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
What about what I want?
BRANDY KELLOG
Well, we took this trip together, didn’t we, just like you wanted?
VERONICA DEBUSSY
But why aren’t we at my mother’s house yet?
BRANDY KELLOG
Your sister’s house, not your mother’s.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
But I’m going home to see mama.
BRANDY KELLOG
No, your younger sister Mary, remember?
VERONICA DEBUSSY
Who?
BRANDY KELLOG
Mary. Mary.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
I’m Veronica.
BRANDY KELLOG
Yes, you’re Veronica.
(to JAKE)
She gets quite confused when she’s tired.
JAKE
She need a good night’s sleep, that’s for sure.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
Brandy, why aren’t we in the car?
BRANDY KELLOG
We’re going to stay here in this nice man’s motel, Mrs. Debussy.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
Do you know, he looks a lot like Kenneth.
BRANDY KELLOG
(to JAKE)
Kenneth’s her late husband.
JAKE
He must have been a good-looking fellow.
BRANDY KELLOG
I’m Mrs. Debussy’s personal secretary. But these days I think what she really needs is a nurse.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
I’m fine, Brandy, really I am. I’m sorry to be such a bother.
BRANDY KELLOG
You’re not a bother, Mrs. Debussy.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
Yes I am. I’ve outlived my usefulness. Young man, I used to be a business woman of the highest caliber, handling vast sums of money, but now I couldn’t even tell you how much change I have in my purse.
JAKE
You don’t need money here, Mrs.Debussy.
BRANDY KELLOG
We have credit cards of every kind.
JAKE
Not needed.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
This is a very quiet place.
BRANDY KELLOG
It certainly is isolated, all by itself so far out on the prairie.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
It’s so hard to find quiet places nowadays.
BRANDY KELLOG
Your sister Mary has a lovely place by the lake.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
Phillip drowned in a lake.
BRANDY KELLOG
(to JAKE)
Phillip was her chauffeur when she was younger.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
He stopped the limousine on the shore of the lake, and said, “I think I’ll go for a bit of a dip, Mrs. D, if you don’t mind.”
BRANDY KELLOG
Then, without waiting for a reply, he walked into the lake and disappeared beneath the black water, never to be seen again.
JAKE
Perhaps he turned into a fish.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
Perhaps. Phillip looked a bit like a trout, at least in photographs.
BRANDY KELLOG
Do you have a room to spare, Jake? Just something simple.
JAKE
(handing her a key)
Number seven should do. Two beds and a kettle and a teapot.
BRANDY KELLOG
That’s good. Mrs. Debussy loves a cup of tea before bed.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
Do we have the Earl Grey, Brandy?
BRANDY KELLOG
Of course, in the overnight case along with your medicine.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
Medicine! Phah! A fat lot of good that does.
BRANDY KELLOG
We’ll settle the bill in the morning, perhaps?
JAKE
Suits me.
BRANDY KELLOG
Thank you Jake. You know, you really do look like her late husband Kenneth!
JAKE
Good.
(BRANDY exits with VERONICA as PENNY enters.)
PENNY
Jake, I got an itch in the middle of my back. Can you scratch it for me?
JAKE Sure.
(JAKE scratches her itch.)
PENNY
Ahhh! Better. We making any money tonight?
JAKE
Nope.
PENNY
Fabulous.
(PENNY exits.)
Jake’s Motel by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 6:
(TINA NASH enters with her sister CHRISSY, who is pouting.)
TINA NASH
Chrissy, stop pouting like a baby.
CHRISSY NASH
I don’t want to stop here! I want to go straight to Uncle David’s.
TINA NASH
Who’s driving, you or me?
CHRISSY NASH
You ‘cause you’re the only one with a license ‘cause the stupid driving tester failed me ‘cause he didn’t like me.
TINA NASH
Chrissy, you rear-ended an ambulance!
CHRISSY NASH
Only ‘cause the tester guy was screaming in my ear! Besides, ambulances aren’t supposed to be stopped at a red light.
TINA NASH
Well, I’m the driver, and I’m your older sister, so I call the shots. I’m tired, so we’re going to spend the night right here in this nice motel.
CHRISSY NASH
It’s a dump!
TINA NASH
You got any money for something better?
CHRISSY NASH
It’s not fair that Mom lets you carry all the cash.
TINA NASH
You’d lose it, and you know it.
CHRISSY NASH
I wish I could live with Uncle David forever. He appreciates me.
TINA NASH
He tolerates you. That man must have more compassion than Mother Theresa to put up with you the way he does.
CHRISSY NASH
He doesn’t “put up” with me! He gets a kick out of me!
TINA NASH
You burned down his garden shed!
CHRISSY NASH
Not my fault! He wouldn’t let me smoke-up in his house.
TINA NASH
Nothing’s ever your fault, is it.
CHRISSY NASH
Can I help it if the world sucks?
TINA NASH
They shouldn’t let sisters travel together in the same car.
JAKE
Why?
TINA NASH
Because it could lead to murder.
CHRISSY NASH
I triple-dare you to try and kill me, Tina, ‘cause I’d kill you first!
JAKE
You two want a room?
TINA NASH
Yes. Unfortunately, I don’t have enough money for two rooms.
CHRISSY NASH
I love you too, sweety-pie.
TINA NASH
(to JAKE)
We’ve been on the road all day in my tiny little car. I’m sure you get the picture.
JAKE
Maybe you could take a walk out on the prairie. Lots of space out there.
CHRISSY NASH
I’m not going out in that big stupid field.
TINA NASH
It’s not a field, Chrissy. It’s a prairie.
CHRISSY NASH
Probably step in some cow flop and ruin my shoes.
TINA NASH
(to JAKE)
Chrissy’s a city girl. She hates open spaces.
CHRISSY NASH
(to TINA)
So? You hate crowded clubs, which is why you’ve never had a boyfriend!
TINA NASH
I’m willing to wait until I meet someone I actually love, unlike you and the guys you hang out with.
CHRISSY NASH
At least I have fun! You’re so dull! All talk and no action!
TINA NASH
Believe me, I don’t want the kind of action you’re talking about.
CHRISSY NASH
You’re gonna be an old maid, all alone and lonely.
TINA NASH
That beats being a desperate little club-hopping flake!
CHRISSY NASH
Give me back my smokes.
TINA NASH
No. You’re supposed to be quitting.
CHRISSY NASH
(to JAKE)
She’s got my smokes in her purse.
TINA NASH
That’s were they’re going to stay.
(CHRISSY grabs at TINA’s purse, and they start wrestling over it. PENNY enters.)
PENNY
What in the Sam Hill is going on, Jake?
JAKE
A family quarrel.
PENNY
(separating them)
Whoa! You’re like a match and gunpowder! Put you together and you explode!
(TINA and CHRISSY part and sulk on opposite sides of the stage.)
PENNY
Now I’ll tell you what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna give you two rooms for the night.
TINA NASH
We can’t afford to rent two rooms.
PENNY
You can’t afford not to. If you stay in one, you’ll wreck the place.
JAKE
You can have both rooms for the price of one.
TINA NASH
How much is that?
JAKE
Half of nothing.
TINA NASH
What?
JAKE
You heard me. Take it or leave it.
CHRISSY NASH
If they want to give us something for nothing, I say we go for it.
TINA NASH
Is this some kind of joke?
PENNY
We’re dead serious, honey. You two need to be apart for a while.
TINA NASH
Fine. Chrissy, you better not try to sneak out and steal the car.
CHRISSY NASH
Just so you can call the cops and get me locked up? Forget it.
JAKE
(handing them each a key)
Here you go. Unit one and unit thirty. At opposite ends of the motel.
TINA NASH
I’m going out there right now for a hot shower. I want to wash every trace of you off me, Chrissy.
(TINA exits.)
PENNY
(to CHRISSY)
Well, what are you waiting for, Chrissy?
CHRISSY NASH
I don’t like being alone.
PENNY
You should have thought of that before you got in a fight with your sister.
CHRISSY NASH
Are there ghosts here?
PENNY
There are ghosts everywhere, kid.
CHRISSY NASH
I don’t like being alone.
(CHRISSY exits.)
JAKE
(he means it)
Nice pair of kids.
PENNY
I got a pie in the oven.
(PENNY exits.)
Jake’s Motel by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 7:
(CHUCK PAVLOV enters with his wife MISTY and his daughter CHICKY.)
CHUCK PAVLOV
What a night! A flat tire, a plugged fuel filter, and I almost ran over an antelope.
CHICKY PAVLOV
A deer, Dad, not an antelope. There are no antelopes on the prairie.
MISTY PAVLOV
You were wonderful, Chuck, fixing the car. I never knew you were so good at mechanics.
CHUCK PAVLOV
I’m not. It’s as if some higher power was guiding my hands.
CHICKY PAVLOV
Poor Daddy, spraining your wrist with that nasty old car jack.
MISTY PAVLOV
Your daddy’s a bit clumsy, dear. Always has been, always will be.
CHICKY PAVLOV
I’m clumsy too. Remember when I dropped that brick on Daddy’s head?
CHUCK PAVLOV
My fault. I shouldn’t have let you try to fix the chimney all by yourself.
CHICKY PAVLOV
But I wanted to so badly, Dad, for Santa, remember? I was a true believer, and I thought that he’d rip his suit on the broken bricks.
MISTY PAVLOV
You looked so cute up there, Chicky, in your pink snowsuit, with that safety harness and that bright red brick in your hand.
CHICKY PAVLOV
You got a great photo of me, and a good one of Dad unconscious on the snow.
MISTY PAVLOV
It was a reflex shot. The brick hit his head, he went down, and I snapped the photo. It was all over in a second.
CHICKY PAVLOV
I thought I’d killed you, Daddy.
CHUCK PAVLOV
It takes more than a chimney brick to kill Chuck Pavlov.
MISTY PAVLOV
Did you know your daddy survived a fall from a fourth story balcony, Chicky?
CHICKY PAVLOV
How could I not know. I’ve heard the story a hundred times. Daddy was cleaning the windows, and his harness broke, and he fell through an awning into a dumpster full of Styrofoam chips.
CHUCK PAVLOV
While I was falling, I tried flapping my arms like wings, but it didn’t help.
MISTY PAVLOV
We just aren’t designed to fly. That’s why we had to invent airplanes.
CHICKY PAVLOV
I fly in my dreams, over the rooftops and out to sea, where I’m the Queen of the Rainclouds.
MISTY PAVLOV
Your great-grandfather flew an airplane in the big war, carrying wounded soldiers to hospitals.
CHICKY PAVLOV
Can we get a hot-air balloon, Daddy?
CHUCK PAVLOV
Sure. Your mom can fill it up with her warm words, and we’ll float over the ocean and let the words out so they can fall like poems on the ships.
CHICKY PAVLOV
Would a ship sink if too many words fell on it?
MISTY PAVLOV
Yes, Chicky. It would sink down, down, down, and all the sailors would drown, and all because Mommy talks too much.
CHUCK PAVLOV
We love you anyway, honey.
JAKE
Can I help you folks?
MISTY PAVLOV
Oh, I’m so sorry! Here we are, talking and talking and ignoring you completely.
JAKE
I’m fine.
CHICKY PAVLOV
You sure look happy, mister.
JAKE
I do?
CHICKY PAVLOV
Yes you do. Are you by chance related to Santa Claus?
JAKE
Could be. The name’s Jake.
MISTY PAVLOV
You know what? I think that Jake should be a guest at our house sometime.
CHUCK PAVLOV
You got a wife, Jake?
JAKE
Sure do.
CHUCK PAVLOV
You could stay out in the trailer. It’s nice and private.
CHICKY PAVLOV
Daddy’s trailer’s full of mommy’s photographs.
MISTY PAVLOV
I like to take pictures. Little bits of life set free forever, so Death can’t get his hands on them.
CHUCK PAVLOV
A photo’s worth a thousand words, and a word’s worth a thousand photos.
CHICKY PAVLOV
Especially if the word is “love”.
MISTY PAVLOV
Did you know that every word is really the word “love”, Chicky?
CHICKY PAVLOV
How could that be, Mom?
MISTY PAVLOV
Because love is everything, even if we get all mixed up about it and make a big mess.
CHICKY PAVLOV
A big mess.
CHUCK PAVLOV
And a big mess calls for a janitor, which is where I come in.
MISTY PAVLOV
Your dad might have trouble with a jack, but give him a broom and watch him go.
CHUCK PAVLOV
Three-time sweeping champion at the Janitor’s Olympics.
CHICKY PAVLOV
I’m proud of you, Dad.
(PENNY enters.)
PENNY
Sounds like a party out here.
JAKE
Want to spend a weekend in a trailer full of photos sometime, Penny?
PENNY
Damn rights. I love to look at pictures because they’re not self-conscious about being watched.
JAKE
(handing MISTY a key)
You can have Unit 20 for free, seeing as how we get to stay in your trailer for free.
CHUCK PAVLOV
You’re a real gent, Jake.
MISTY PAVLOV
Let’s lug in the luggage and hunker down for a solid night of shuteye.
CHICKY PAVLOV
I’m going to dream I’m flying across the prairie.
MISTY PAVLOV
(to JAKE and PENNY)
If you see that deer we almost hit, apologize to him for us.
(The PAVLOVS exit.)
PENNY
Nice folks.
(PENNY exits.)
JAKE
Nice. I need a coffee.
(JAKE exits.)
Jake’s Motel by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 8:
(SANDY KOSINSKI enters with NADIA, her daughter. )
SANDY KOSINSKI
Nadia, try not to cry.
NADIA KOSINSKI
I don’t see what else I can do, Mom.
SANDY KOSINSKI
You can try sleeping. We’ll get you a nice comfortable bed for the night.
NADIA KOSINSKI
I’ve been sleeping ever since you picked me up at my dorm.
SANDY KOSINSKI
You’re exhausted.
NADIA KOSINSKI
I got kicked out of university halfway through the first semester. It’s no wonder I’m feeling rough.
SANDY KOSINSKI
It’s only a school. There’s more to life than notes, lectures, essays, and tests.
NADIA KOSINSKI
Try telling Dad that. When he finds out, he’ll disown me!
SANDY KOSINSKI
Don’t exaggerate. He’ll be upset about the money, of course, but he’ll get over it.
NADIA KOSINSKI
Why can’t I succeed at anything?
SANDY KOSINSKI Y
You’ve succeeded at being my lovely daughter.
NADIA KOSINSKI
That doesn’t count. All mothers love their daughters.
SANDY KOSINSKI
Sure it counts. I’m better than nothing.
NADIA KOSINSKI
It doesn’t do much for my self-esteem to know the only person in the world who thinks I’m worth something is my mother.
SANDY KOSINSKI
Your dad thinks you’re pretty great, too.
NADIA KOSINSKI
That is definitely not true. He wanted a boy and he got a girl and he’s been unhappy about it ever since.
SANDY KOSINSKI
All right, so you’ve figured out that he’s a jerk. Maybe now you’ll forgive me for divorcing him.
NADIA KOSINSKI
So you admit that Dad’s a jerk?
SANDY KOSINSKI
Why pretend he’s anything else. You’re old enough to face the truth.
NADIA KOSINSKI
Am I?
SANDY KOSINSKI
Sure. Maybe it’s time for Mommy to stop protecting you from life’s harsh realities.
NADIA KOSINSKI
You didn’t protect me from getting kicked out of university.
SANDY KOSINSKI
I didn’t see it coming. What happened, anyway?
NADIA KOSINSKI
So you’re finally ready to let me explain?
SANDY KOSINSKI
Only if you want to.
NADIA KOSINSKI
I got caught cheating.
SANDY KOSINSKI
What?
NADIA KOSINSKI
I wrote an essay for a friend.
SANDY KOSINSKI
Why couldn’t she write it herself?
NADIA KOSINSKI
She has cancer. The chemotherapy makes her weak and sick.
SANDY KOSINSKI
Why didn’t she just talk to her prof and get a waiver or extension or something?
NADIA KOSINSKI
She’s very shy and private about the whole thing, and that particular prof isn’t very nice.
SANDY KOSINSKI
So they caught you writing an essay for a cancer patient and kicked you out of school.
NADIA KOSINSKI
Yep.
SANDY KOSINSKI
How’d they catch you?
NADIA KOSINSKI
Her prof made her confess.
SANDY KOSINSKI
Sounds like the Spanish inquisition.
NADIA KOSINSKI
We tried to explain, but the department chair said cheating is cheating, regardless of motivation or circumstance.
SANDY KOSINSKI
What’s going to happen to your friend?
NADIA KOSINSKI
She took a turn for the worse. She’s in hospital now. They don’t think she’s going to make it.
SANDY KOSINSKI
That poor kid. What a tragic story.
NADIA KOSKINSKI
Yeah.
NADIA KOSKINSKI
But you’re alive and well, Nadia. Alive and well. Think of that.
NADIA KOSINSKI
So you’re not mad?
SANDY KOSINSKI
I’m mad, but not at you.
(JAKE enters.)
JAKE
You two need a room?
SANDY KOSINSKI
If you’ve got one to spare.
NADIA KOSINSKI
And we promise not to cheat.
JAKE
Huh?
SANDY KOSINSKI
Just an inside joke.
JAKE
(giving NADIA a key)
Unit eighteen should do.
NADIA KOSINSKI
That’s how old I am.
SANDY KOSINSKI
Where do we register?
JAKE
Oh, no need for that.
NADIA KOSINSKI
I like this place. It’s not like university. You don’t have to register.
SANDY KOSINSKI
(to JAKE)
Well, if you say so, Mister…
JAKE
Jake. Just plain Jake.
NADIA KOSINSKI
Of course! “Jake’s Motel”, right?
JAKE
Yup.
(PENNY enters.)
PENNY
These folks staying the night?
JAKE
Yessir.
PENNY
They look tired and stressed. Don’t charge them, okay, Honey?
JAKE
Okay. You folks can stay for free.
SANDY KOSINSKI
Oh, but I’m glad to pay.
PENNY
Forget it! Just get yourselves rested up and save your money for something else.
SANDY KOSINSKI
Well, thank you very much. Come on, Nadia, let’s settle in.
(SANDY and NADIA exit.)
PENNY
I wonder why they never catch on.
JAKE
They wouldn’t believe us even if we told them.
(PENNY exits.)
Jake’s Motel by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 9:
(NANCY TOFFLER and KELLY DRESDEN enter.)
NANCY TOFFLER
That last gig was a disaster.
KELLY DRESDEN
Stupid cowboys.
NANCY TOFFLER
They don’t know anything about medieval music.
KELLY DRESDEN
It’s our agent’s fault for getting us a gig in a county and western bar.
NANCY TOFFLER
What was he thinking?
KELLY DRESDEN
He wasn’t. That’s the problem.
NANCY TOFFLER
And you were playing your flute so beautifully.
KELLY DRESDEN
And you were singing so sweetly.
NANCY TOFFLER
But those drunken baboons kept hollering rude things at us.
KELLY DRESDEN
As if we were a couple of strippers.
NANCY TOFFLER
I’m sick of this. I think I’m going to quit and go back to work at Bargain Mart.
KELLY DRESDEN
But you agreed to try this for a year, Nancy.
NANCY TOFFLER
A year that never ends.
KELLY DRESDEN
We’ve only got three months to go.
NANCY TOFFLER
Where’s our recording contract, Kelly?
KELLY DRESDEN
It’ll happen.
NANCY TOFFLER
Where’s our adoring fans?
KELLY DRESDEN
Things takes time.
NANCY TOFFLER
Too much time.
KELLY DRESDEN
We’ve got to get our music out before the money and fame rolls in.
NANCY TOFFLER
I’m sick of driving all day in that minivan.
KELLY DRESDEN
It’s not so bad.
NANCY TOFFLER
And singing all night for ungrateful drunks.
KELLY DRESDEN
At least we get paid to do it.
NANCY TOFFLER
And sleeping in cheap motels with lumpy mattresses.
JAKE
I’m sure you’ll find our mattresses very comfortable.
NANCY TOFFLER
Oh, I’m sorry.I didn’t see you there.
JAKE
I like to keep a low profile.
KELLY DRESDEN
My friend and I need a room for the night. Nothing fancy.Just a couple of beds and a bathroom.
JAKE
The name’s Jake, like the motel, and I can fix you up with a cozy unit that’ll be just like home.
NANCY TOFFLER
I hope not. Before we hit the road, my “home” was a flea-infested flat in a leaky condo.
KELLY DRESDEN
Nancy’s exhausted. Her tubes need a good night’s rest.
JAKE
Tubes?
KELLY DRESDEN
Her singing apparatus. Her vocal cords.
NANCY TOFFLER
I sing. Kelly plays the flute. No one cares.
JAKE
That’s a shame.
KELLY DRESDEN
We’re good at what we do, Jake, but medieval music doesn’t sell very well.
NANCY TOFFLER
Our audiences make fun of us..
KELLY DRESDEN
Mostly, they’re drunks, and drunks are mean and stupid.
JAKE
Why do you have to play for drunks?
NANCY TOFFLER
When you’re starting out as musicians, most places that hire you make their money selling booze.
KELLY DRESDEN
We’re just the sideshow. The booze is the main attraction.
NANCY TOFFLER
And booze is so darned attractive to lots of folks.
KELLY DRESDEN
Do you sing or play an instrument, Jake?
JAKE Nope.
(PENNY enters and listens.)
KELLY DRESDEN
Nancy and I live for music, but it’s tough to make a living while we do it.
NANCY TOFFLER
The only kind of music most people care about is the kind we don’t play.
KELLY DRESDEN
And people don’t like to pay to listen to music they don’t care about.
JAKE
Makes sense.
NANCY TOFFLER
But we’ve got to live.
JAKE
Doesn’t take much money to do that.
NANCY TOFFLER
Exactly how much does it take, Jake, and where are we going to find it?
KELLY DRESDEN
It’s not that bad, Nancy.
NANCY TOFFLER
Yes it is.
PENNY
Why don’t you go out and play on the prairie?
NANCY TOFFLER
What good what that do?
PENNY
Well, the prairie don’t do nothin’ but sit there and listen.
NANCY TOFFLER
A pretty thought, but the prairie doesn’t have ears.
PENNY
There’s a lot of creatures out there and most of ‘em have got ears.
JAKE
And they’re stone cold sober.
KELLY DRESDEN
Let’s do it, Nancy. It’ll be nice, singing in the dark on the prairie..
PENNY
Where the real stars are the ones shining down from heaven.
NANCY TOFFLER
I just want to sleep. A room, please.
JAKE
(handing her a key)
Unit Nine.
NANCY TOFFLER
Thank you.
(NANCY exits.)
PENNY
You gonna go play out there by yourself?
KELLY DRESDEN
Not without Nancy. Our music only works when the two of us play together.
(KELLY exits.)
PENNY
Folks have such a tough time figuring things out.
JAKE
That’s why we’re here.
(PENNY exits.)
Jake’s Motel by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 10:
(TED WINTHROP enters with his wife EVIE and son BERNIE.)
EVIE WINTHROP
Ted, Bernie’s feeling sick, so we’ve got to stop. You feel sick, don’t you, Bernie.
BERNIE WINTHROP
I feel terrible, Dad.
TED WINTHROP
He’s fine. It’s just a little stomach ache.
EVIE WINTHROP
It could be his appendix. Do you want his appendix to burst on the highway in the middle of nowhere?
TED WINTHROP
At least we’d be traveling toward somewhere!
EVIE WINTHROP
I want Bernie to rest here, instead of jiggling about in the Civic.
TED WINTHROP
The Civic doesn’t “jiggle”. I’m a smooth driver, Evie.
EVIE WINTHROP
Is your tummy still hurting, Bernie?
BERNIE WINTHROP
Now it’s my head, Mom.
TED WINTHROP
He’s making it up. There’s nothing wrong with you, Bernie. Let’s get in the car and back on the road.
(TED starts to exit.)
EVIE WINTHROP
Ted! We’re not going anywhere! Bernie must get some rest, so go get our suitcases and I’ll talk to the manager!
TED WINTHROP
All right, we’ll stay. But there’s nothing wrong with Bernie.
(TED exits.)
EVIE WINTHROP
(to Jake)
My little boy’s not feeling too well, so I’ve decided to stop and take a room here.
JAKE
He looks fine to me.
EVIE WINTHROP
Well, I’m his mother and I know best.
(putting her hand on BERNIE’s forehead)
He’s too warm, and he’s been complaining of headaches and stomach cramps.
JAKE
You feel sick, Bernie?
BERNIE WINTHROP
My head hurts and my legs ache.
EVIE WINTHROP
Are you a doctor?
JAKE
No, I’m the owner/manager of the motel. Jake’s the name.
EVIE WINTHROP
Well, Jake, why don’t you stick to your job and rent us a room?
(TED WINTHROP enters with suitcases.)
TED WINTHROP
Why’d you pack so much stuff, Evie?
EVIE WINTHROP
I brought extra clothes for Bernie in case the weather cools down.
TED WINTHROP
There’s plenty of extra clothes at the cabin.
EVIE WINTHROP
Those old things? Do really think I’d dress my little boy in worn-out old sweaters and toques?
TED WINTHROP
Bernie doesn’t mind, do you, Bernie?
BERNIE WINTHROP
Yes I do mind, Dad. Old clothes are bad for me.
TED WINTHROP
Bernie, those clothes belonged to my dad. You should be honoured to wear them.
EVIE WINTHROP
Ted, your dad was a mean old bear of a man who only took a bath once a year.
TED WINTHROP
He knew how to live.
EVIE WINTHROP
Live? You call holing up in a dirty old cabin with no running water living?
TED WINTHROP
Dad loved nature. He didn’t need money. He hunted, he fished, and he died a happy man.
EVIE WINTHROP
Leaving you nothing but that old shack in the bush.
TED WINTHROP
I’d rather have that old shack then that claustrophobic condo we call home.
EVIE WINTHROP
But it’s close to the hospital, in case Bernie takes a turn for the worse.
TED WINTHROP
Bernie has never, ever needed to go to the hospital.
EVIE WINTHROP
Bernie, tell your father that you want to be near a hospital.
BERNIE WINTHROP
I want to be near a hospital, Dad, just in case.
TED WINTHROP
Bernie, don’t say things just because your mother tells you to. Speak for yourself.
BERNIE WINTHROP
I am.
TED WINTHROP
No you’re not. You’re saying what your mother wants you to say.
EVIE WINTHROP
Stop tormenting our son, Ted.
TED WINTHROP
I’m not tormenting him. You’re the one that torments him with all your nonsense about him being sick when he’s perfectly fine.
EVIE WINTHROP
I should never have let you bring me and Bernie on this ridiculous trip to your father’s shack.
TED WINTHROP
Dad wanted his ashes spread at the cabin, so that’s what we’re going to do.
EVIE WINTHROP
You should do it by yourself. It’s a father-son thing.
TED WINTHROP
That’s why I want Bernie there. He’s my son and my dad’s grandson.
EVIE WINTHROP
And me? What am I, Ted?
TED WINTHROP
You’re supposed to be my wife, but lately I’ve been having my doubts.
EVIE WINTHROP
What’s that supposed to mean?
TED WINTHROP
It means you want to pick a fight with me every chance you get.
EVIE WINTHROP
I don’t pick fights. I just try to get through to you. But it’s like talking to a wall.
TED WINTHROP
Bernie, your mom picks fights with me, doesn’t she.
BERNIE WINTHROP
I guess.
EVIE WINTHROP
Now who’s putting words in Bernie’s mouth?
JAKE
(holding out a key)
Unit Fourteen should do the job.
(The WINTHROPS stop and stare at JAKE for a moment.)
BERNIE WINTHROP
Pardon?
JAKE
Unit Fourteen. You want a room, don’t you?
EVIE WINTHROP
Yes we do
(taking the key)
and thank you very much. Come on, Bernie.
(EVIE and BERNIE exit.)
TED WINTHROP
I’m a pharmacist.
JAKE
Uh huh.
TED WINTHROP
I hate my job.
JAKE
Yep.
TED WINTHROP
I miss my dad.
JAKE
Yep.
TED WINTHROP
I’d better join my wife and son
JAKE
Yep.
(TED WINTHROP exits as PENNY enters.)
PENNY
You know what?
JAKE
What?
PENNY
You look tired.
JAKE
I do?
PENNY
One of these days, we’re going to lock this old place up, and you and me are going on a little vacation.
JAKE
Where to?
PENNY
Some place where the only person you got to look after is me, and the only one I got to look after is you.
(PENNY exits.)
Jake’s Motel by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 11:
(MISSY TATUM enters with her daughter HENESSY.)
MISSY TATUM
I need a drink.
HENESSY TATUM
No you don’t, Ma.
MISSY TATUM
We nearly got killed, Henessy. I need a drink.
HENESSY TATUM
Don’t exaggerate, Ma.
MISSY TATUM
I’m not exaggerating. You saw how close that truck came to hitting us!
HENESSY TATUM
You mean how close you came to hitting that truck.
MISSY TATUM
I asked you to keep me awake by talking to me, but no, you had to fall asleep and nearly get us killed.
HENESSY TATUM
You’re the driver, Ma, not me. I’m just your kid who has to sit in the car scared half to death.
MISSY TATUM
Now who’s exaggerating?
HENESSY TATUM
Why won’t you let me drive?
MISSY TATUM
Because it’s my car, and it’s got little quirks that only I can understand.
HENESSY TATUM
Then you should take it to a garage and get it fixed.
MISSY TATUM
I know how to compensate for my car’s minor shortcomings. And those garages are rip-offs.
HENESSY TATUM
Brakes that don’t work and sloppy steering are not minor shortcomings.
MISSY TATUM
The brakes work if you push down hard enough, and the sloppy steering keeps me alert.
HENESSY TATUM
Alert? You fell asleep and nearly hit a truck.
MISSY TATUM
Look, Henessy, you can call me a bad mother all you want, but I love you and I would never do anything to harm you.
HENESSY TATUM
I’m not calling you a bad mother. I’m calling you a bad driver!
MISSY TATUM
So you think your grandfather is a bad driver too, I suppose.
HENESSY TATUM
What?
MISSY TATUM
Your grandfather taught me to drive, Henessy. Maybe I should tell him you think he’s a bad driver.
HENESSY TATUM
Why would you do that?
MISSY TATUM
Because you’re saying mean things about him by saying mean things about me.
HENESSY TATUM
Ma, you are really screwed up, you know? I mean, now you’re making me into an evil granddaughter because you can’t take responsibility for your bad driving and dangerous car.
MISSY TATUM
Don’t shout at me, Henessy. I’m not responsible for your emotions.
HENESSY TATUM
Oh no, you’re not responsible! You nearly kill us, you refuse to take responsibility for it, you try to change the focus of the argument by dragging grandpa into it, and you say you’ve got nothing to do with my anger?
MISSY TATUM
You’ve always had trouble dealing with your emotions, just like your father. He used to fly off the handle all the time, too.
HENESSY TATUM
You made him get mad, Ma. You blamed him for everything that ever went wrong at home.
MISSY TATUM
Oh, so it’s my fault your father put his foot through the television.
HENESSY TATUM
He was trying to watch the hockey final, and you kept switching the channel on him!
MISSY TATUM
I wanted him to watch the weather station!
HENESSY TATUM
Why?
MISSY TATUM
So he would finally get it through his thick head that it’s wrong to have hockey so far into summer!
HENESSY TATUM
You made him mad, Ma! You do that to people all the time!
MISSY TATUM
Calm down, Henessy! That man must think you’re a lunatic.
HENESSY TATUM
That I’m a lunatic? Ma, you’re the head case, the weirdo, the nutball, the wacko freakazoid!
JAKE
You two want a room?
MISSY TATUM
Well, now, I’m not sure we do, mister.
JAKE
Jake.
MISSY TATUM
I might take a room, but from the looks of things, this place is rather filthy.
HENESSY TATUM
Ma, don’t start on him!
MISSY TATUM
If I wake up in the light of day and see that my room’s dirty, I won’t pay.
HENESSY TATUM
Ma! Stop!
JAKE
That’s fine, Mrs…
MISSY TATUM
Tatum.
JAKE
(handing her a key)
You can have Unit Ten. If it doesn’t meet your standards, it’s yours for free.
MISSY TATUM
Are fooling with me? Because if you are, you’ll be sorry!
JAKE
I’m a man of my word.
HENESSY TATUM
Ma, he’s just being generous and fair!
MISSY TATUM
What planet were you born on, Henessy? Not this one, because everyone on Earth knows no one’s “generous” or “fair” unless they want something!
HENESSY TATUM
Ma, you make me so tired.
MISSY TATUM
I’m the one that’s tired! Tired of the whole lot of you! I’m going to bed, even if it’s in a fleabag motel room with a dirty toiled!
(MISSY exits.)
HENESSY TATUM
I’d apologize for my Ma, but she doesn’t deserve one.
JAKE
That’s okay, Henessy. She’s tired. Tired people get grumpy.
HENESSY TATUM
She’s permanently grumpy.
(HENESSY exits as PENNY enters.)
PENNY
That kid looks upset.
JAKE
Yup.
PENNY
Sometimes I’m glad we never had kids. It’s so easy to screw it all up.
(PENNY exits.)
Jake’s Motel by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 12:
(ELLEN CAULFIELD enters.)
ELLEN CAULFIELD
Salome, Yerma, Tanya, get in here right now!
SALOME CAULFIELD
(from offstage)
Yerma hit Tanya, Mom!
ELLEN CAULFIELD
(calling)
Yerma, leave Tanya alone!
YERMA CAULFIELD
(from offstage)
She called me a pig, Mom!
TANYA CAULFIELD
(from offstage)
Yerma stuck her finger in my pudding, Mom!
ELLEN CAULFIELD
(calling)
Do I have to come out there and haul your sorry asses in here myself!
SALOME CAULFIELD
(from offstage)
All right, all right, don’t have a heart attack!
(YERMA, TANYA, and SALOME enter. YERMA pushes TANYA.)
TANYA CAULFIELD
Quit it, Yerma!
YERMA CAULFIELD
You quit it, Tanya-the-tattle-tale.
TANYA CAULFIELD
You sound like a six-year-old.
YERMA CAULFIELD
I’m gonna put you six feet under the ground!
(YERMA grabs TANYA’s hair and pulls.)
TANYA CAULFIELD
Owwwww! Mom! Make her stop!
ELLEN CAULFIELD
Salome, separate your sisters!
SALOME CAULFIELD
Why me?
ELLEN CAULFIELD
Because I’ll kick you out of the house if you don’t!
SALOME CAULFIELD
(as she pulls TANYA and YERMA apart)
Stop it, right now! Stop it, I said.
(SALOME practically throws them apart.)
YERMA CAULFIELD
You’re gonna get it, Salome!
TANYA CAULFIELD
Butt out of our business, Salome!
SALOME CAULFIELD
Mom, can’t you deal with them?
ELLEN CAULFIELD
You’re the oldest, Salome. Show some leadership.
SALOME CAULFIELD
You’re supposed to be the leader, Mom, not me.
ELLEN CAULFIELD
Don’t get smart with me, Salome.
YERMA CAULFIELD
She’s so mouthy, Mom.
TANYA CAULFIELD
You should hear what she says about you when you’re not around.
SALOME CAULFIELD
I don’t say anything about Mom. You do!
ELLEN CAULFIELD
I bet all three of you say awful things about me all the time.
YERMA CAULFIELD
Well, you shouldn’t do awful things, Mom.
ELLEN CAULFIELD
Like what?
TANYA CAULFIELD
Like grounding all three of us because Salome failed a science test.
ELLEN CAULFIELD
You’re all failing! All three of you! You never do homework! You’re mouthy and rude!
YERMA CAULFIELD
You made us that way.
TANYA CAULFIELD
You shout at us all the time, so we shut down emotionally!
SALOME CAULFIELD
I hate my science teacher! She treats me like I’m some sort of freak!
YERMA CAULFIELD
You are a freak!
TANYA CAULFIELD
Yeah, a freak, Salome. You and your freaky-deaky so-called boyfriend.
SALOME CAULFIELD
Oh, you are so jealous of George.
YERMA CAULFIELD
Jealous? Why would we be jealous of that nasty little loser?
ELLEN CAULFIELD
Don’t talk that way about George! He gave us Barnaby, remember?
TANYA CAULFIELD
And where’s Barnaby, now, Mom?
YERMA CAULFIELD
In some landfill site because you let him out of the yard and he got run over.
SALOME CAULFIELD
You wanted him gone, Mom.
ELLEN CAULFIELD
I did not want him gone! He was a cute little guinea pig, and my only friend in times of trouble, which is all the time, thanks to you three!
SALOME CAULFIELD
Don’t blame us kids! You’re the grown-up.
YERMA CAULFIELD
You’re supposed to look after us, not watch television in the basement all day and all night.
TANYA CAULFIELD
You’re lazy, Mom. You make us do all the cleaning and cooking.
ELLEN CAULFIELD
You know darn well I’ve got bad legs. I can’t stand up for more than a few minutes without excruciating pain my knees.
SALOME CAULFIELD
In your ass, you mean.
ELLEN CAULFIELD
Salome! Watch your language or else!
SALOME CAULFIELD
Or else what?
YERMA CAULFIELD
She’ll kick you out and I’ll get your room.
TANYA CAULFIELD
No, me! I should get her stupid room, Mom!
ELLEN CAULFIELD
If it’s stupid, why do you want it?
TANYA CAULFIELD
Because mine’s even stupider because Yerma sleeps in it too.
YERMA CAULFIELD
You’re such a dope, Tanya, you know? Like, you’ve got a cantaloupe for a brain.
SALOME CAULFIELD
Grandma Pollock’s gonna be so worried about us.
ELLEN CAULFIELD
I’m too tired to drive any further.
YERMA CAULFIELD
Grandma Pollock’s creepy.
SALOME CAULFIELD
Shut up, Yerma. Grandma Pollock’s a sweet old lady.
TANYA CAULFIELD
I hate her house.
ELLEN CAULFIELD
Why?
TANYA CAULFIELD
It’s got ghosts.
ELLEN CAULFIELD
Those are just shadows, Tanya.
YERMA CAULFIELD
No, Mom. Last time we were there, a ghost hypnotized Salome and turned her into a Republican!
SALOME CAULFIELD
(grabbing Yerma)
Take it back, Yerma, you little pig!
YERMA CAULFIELD
Mom! Mom! She’s breaking my neck!
SALOME CAULFIELD
(pushing Yerma away)
Then don’t call me a Republican!
YERMA CAULFIELD
Don’t call me a pig!
TANYA CAULFIELD
You are a pig, Yerma! Sticking your finger in my pudding!
YERMA CAULFIELD
It wasn’t your pudding, Tanya.
ELLEN CAULFIELD
All three of you were supposed to share!
YERMA CAULFIELD
Oh, sure, share one piddly little pudding cup! What a great supper!
ELLEN CAULFIELD
You can have some real food at Grandma Pollock’s.
TANYA CAULFIELD
I won’t eat her nasty slop.
SALOME CAULFIELD
Shut up, Tanya! Grandma Pollock makes the best haggis in the world.
YERMA CAULFIELD
Oh god, are we going to have to eat haggis again, Mom?
ELLEN CAULFIELD
It’s part of your Scottish heritage. You should be proud to eat it.
TANYA CAULFIELD
Sheep’s stomach. Yuck.
ELLEN CAULFIELD
The trouble with you girls is that you’re addicted to junk food.
SALOME CAULFIELD
You’re the one that feeds us, Mom.
ELLEN CAULFIELD
You’re the ones that pick burgers, fries and shakes.
YERMA CAULFIELD
What else are we supposed to get at Burger Barn, Mom? A bucket of grease?
TANYA CAULFIELD
Haggis makes me puke.
JAKE
Would you like a room, folks?
ELLEN CAULFIELD
You got something cheap?
JAKE
Cheaper than cheap.
SALOME CAULFIELD
I won’t sleep in it unless I get the bed.
YERMA CAULFIELD
I’m not sleeping on the floor!
TANYA CAULFIELD
If you think I’m going to sleep in the bathtub, forget it.
ELLEN CAULFIELD
You’ll sleep where I tell you to.
JAKE
We’ve got extra cots for everyone.
ELLEN CAULFIELD
What time do we have to check out?
JAKE
Oh, I don’t know. What time do you want to check out?
ELLEN CAULFIELD
Noon.
JAKE
Fine.
SALOME CAULFIELD
Noon? Why noon?
ELLEN CAULFIELD
I’m tired.
YERMA CAULFIELD
I want to sleep forever.
TANYA CAULFIELD
I need sleeping pills, mister. You got any sleeping pills?
JAKE
No, we don’t carry drugs of any kind.
SALOME CAULFIELD
What kind of stupid motel is this, anyway? It’s weird here.
JAKE
I’m glad you like it.
(giving a key to ELLEN)
You can have Unit Twenty-Two. Sweet dreams.
ELLEN CAULFIELD
Don’t go knocking on our door, you hear?
JAKE
Oh, I won’t.
ELLEN CAULFIELD
You better not.
(ELLEN and the three GIRLS exit as PENNY enters.)
PENNY
Now you’re really looking tired, Jake.
JAKE
Yup.
PENNY
Busy night.
JAKE
Yup. And it’s just getting started.
Jake’s Motel by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 1:
Scene 1:
(CONSTABLE BOWMAN enters with CONSTABLE FREEBORN.)
JAKE
Grace ready for work now, Vince?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
She’s starting to get the picture.
PENNY
(to Grace)
You’ll get used to it, kid, just like the rest of us.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
All that training at the Academy seems useless now.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
What did I tell you?
JAKE
How’d she figure it out, Vince?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
The highway. That’s all it took.
PENNY
Smart girl.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
You don’t have to be smart to figure out something’s going on when you drive down a dead straight highway and keep coming back to this motel.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
When we passed this place the third time, she stopped the car and tried to get out.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
I opened the car door, and there was nothing there. No road, no highway, just empty blackness.
PENNY
Is that when you figured it out?
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
I thought I’d gone mad. Vince told me to relax and take a deep breath, and that’s when I realized I couldn’t breathe, and didn’t need to.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
You should have seen the look on her face. Like someone who’s seen a ghost.
PENNY
Well, she did, didn’t she?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
I prefer to think of myself as a soul.
JAKE
Nitpicker.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
She’s a brave kid. Didn’t make any sort of fuss. Just faced the truth.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
I’ve always believed in some sort of afterlife.
PENNY
(to Grace)
So do you know what you’re supposed to do around here, honey?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Once she’d figured out the main part, I briefed her on the rest.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
(to Vince)
I wish you’d told me what was going on right from the start.
JAKE
Vince likes to stick to the program.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
As if I have any choice.
PENNY
Well, we better get to it before the next batch rolls in.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
Who’s first?
JAKE
Units Twenty-Six, Unit One, and Unit Thirty.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Let’s do it. Grace, you take twenty-six. I’ll deal with one and thirty.
(CONSTABLE BOWMAN and GRACE exit.)
PENNY
I better brew a big pot of coffee.
(PENNY exits.)
JAKE
(to audience)
Remember when I said I wish the guests here would just sleep? That’s because they need all their strength to get through the next step.
Jake’s Motel by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 2:
(CONSTABLE FREEBORN enters with SHANNON and TEDDY WELLSTONE.)
SHANNON WELLSTONE
Officer, I’ve had a long and difficult day, and I finally drift off to sleep, only to be dragged from my bed and forced to come out here to this office. You better have a good explanation.
TEDDY WELLSTONE
Shannon, if it’s police business, we better co-operate.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
Why do you always take everyone’s side but mine, Teddy?
TEDDY WELLSTONE
(to CONSTABLE FREEBORN)
Just why do you want us, Constable?
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
I’d like you to meet someone.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
Meet someone? You want us to meet someone in the dark of night in the middle of nowhere?
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
Yes, Mrs. Wellstone, I do.
TEDDY WELLSTONE
Are you conducting an investigation, Constable?
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
I suppose you might call it that.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
Don’t be vague, officer. Just tell us what’s going on.
JAKE
That’s what she’s trying to do, Mrs. Wellstone.
(CONSTABLE BOWMAN enters with TINA and CHRISSY NASH.)
CHRISSY NASH
(to CONSTABLE BOWMAN)
You scared me half to death pounding on my door.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Sorry, Ms. Nash, but it had to be done.
TINA NASH
Don’t make a fuss, Chrissy. The police know best.
CHRISSY NASH
(to CONSTABLE BOWMAN)
You won’t find any drugs on me.
TINA NASH
She’s clean, officer. I made sure of that before we left home.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
This isn’t about drugs, Ms. Nash.
CHRISSY NASH
Then what’s it about?
(indicating SHANNON and TEDDY WELLSTONE)
And who are those people?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Your new parents.
TINA NASH
What?
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
Your new parents. Shannon and Teddy Wellstone, meet Tina and Chrissy Nash.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
Parents? What in the name of heaven are you talking about?
JAKE
They’re talking about heaven, Mrs. Wellstone.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
We’ll leave the four of you to get to know each other.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
Who’s next, Jake?
JAKE
Let’s see. Units Seven and Twelve.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
You girls be polite to Mr. and Mrs. Wellstone. They’re your new mother and father.
(CONSTABLE BOWMAN and CONSTABLE FREEBORN exit.)
CHRISSY NASH
I don’t need new parents. I don’t even want the ones I’ve got.
TINA NASH
Why would the police do something so strange?
JAKE
It’s not so strange once you understand what’s going on.
(PENNY enters.)
SHANNON WELLSTONE
Just what is going on, Jake?
JAKE
Sorry, you got to figure it out yourselves.
TEDDY WELLSTONE
How are we going to do that?
PENNY
By taking a walk out on the prairie, and sitting there for a while with each other, until you remember.
CHRISSY NASH
Remember what?
PENNY
What happened.
TINA NASH
This is crazy.
TEDDY WELLSTONE
I think we should do it.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
Teddy,I won’t. I can’t.
TEDDY WELLSTONE
Yes you can, Shannon. I’m with you. It’ll be all right.
CHRISSY NASH
What’ll be “all right”?
TINA NASH
(to TEDDY)
I trust you, Mr. Wellstone. I don’t know why, but I do.
CHRISSY NASH
Tina!
SHANNON WELLSTONE
(to TINA)
Can’t you see how frightened your sister is?
TINA NASH
How’d you know she’s my sister?
SHANNON WELLSTONE
I just know.
CHRISSY NASH
Tina, I want to go home.
JAKE
Sorry, Chrissy. You can’t do that.
CHRISSY NASH
Tina.
TEDDY WELLSTONE
Girls, my wife and I request your company out on the prairie.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
Yes…
(going to CHRISSY and taking her arm)
I’ll look after you, Chrissy.
CHRISSY NASH
Will you?
SHANNON WELLSTONE
Yes, because you’re like me.
TEDDY WELLSTONE
How do you know, Shannon?
SHANNON WELLSTONE
I just do, and I trust my feelings, Teddy.
TINA NASH
Will you look after me, Mr. Wellstone?
TEDDY WELLSTONE
I promise, Tina.
PENNY
Just stay out on the prairie until you remember.
TEDDY WELLSTONE
How long will that take?
JAKE
Time’s not important. In fact, out here, it doesn’t even exist.
(We hear a dog bark offstage.)
PENNY
There’s someone out there waiting for you.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
Gypsy?
JAKE
Better go see.
TEDDY WELLSTONE
(reflecting on JAKE’s comment)
Time’s not important…
TINA NASH
(reflecting on JAKE’s comment)
It doesn’t even exist…
(SHANNON, TEDDY, TINA, and CHRISSY exit.)
JAKE
Thanks for the help, Penny.
PENNY
Don’t mention it, big boy.
(PENNY exits.)
Jake’s Motel by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 3:
(CONSTABLE BOWMAN enters with LOBO and FAY JACK.)
FAY JACK
I was just getting some much-needed shuteye and bang, bang, bang, you go pounding on the door!
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Sorry about that, Mrs. Jack, but it had to be done.
LOBO JACK
Don’t bug the policeman, Ma. He’s magic.
FAY JACK
Magic? Lobo, cops aren’t magic. They’re tragic. Nothing but bad news.
LOBO JACK
This one’s got good news, Ma.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
I like to think so.
LOBO JACK
See?
FAY JACK
He’s easy on the eyes. I guess that’s good news.
LOBO JACK
He looks like Pa.
FAY JACK
Yeah, I suppose he does. Got the same cheeky grin.
JAKE
And he doesn’t carry a gun.
FAY JACK
How’s he gonna shoot the bad guys, then?
LOBO JACK
There’s no bad guys out here, Ma.
FAY JACK
There’s bad guys everywhere, son. That’s why I got to look out for you every second of the day.
(CONSTABLE FREEBORN enters with BRANDY KELLOG, assisting VERONICA DEBUSSY.)
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
Sorry to drag you out of your bed, Mrs. Debussy.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
This is all rather exciting.
BRANDY KELLOG
Try not to breathe so rapidly, Mrs. Debussy. You’ll hyperventilate.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
I love the feeling of this prairie air in my old lungs.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
Mrs. Debussy, Brandy, this is Fay Jack and her son Lobo.
LOBO JACK
Mrs. Debussy, help my ma.
FAY JACK
Lobo! Just ignore him, Mrs. Debussy. He’s always saying stuff that don’t make no sense.
JAKE
Oh, I don’t know. He sounds sensible to me.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
Mrs. Jack could use some help.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
And so could Mrs. Debussy.
LOBO JACK
Me too. And so could little Brandy over there.
BRANDY KELLOG
Me?
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
That’s right, Brandy, you. Lobo’s going to be the best friend you’ve ever had.
LOBO JACK
I knew it!
BRANDY KELLOG
My best friend?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
And Mrs. Jack’s going to be Mrs. Debussy’s new companion.
FAY JACK
What the hey?
VERONICA DEBUSSY
A new companion?
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
You won’t be so lonely, Mrs. Debussy.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
And neither will Brandy.
LOBO JACK
I’ll make sure of that.
(PENNY enters.)
PENNY
You folks going out onto the prairie?
JAKE
They’re nearly ready.
BRANDY KELLOG
Ready for what?
PENNY
To figure this out, of course.
LOBO JACK
Yep, the good old prairie. That’s where we need to go.
FAY JACK
There’s nothing out there but gophers and grass, Lobo.
LOBO JACK
I know you’re scared, Ma, but it’s got to be done.
BRANDY KELLOG
I don’t want to go out there.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
You’re scared too, Brandy, but Lobo’s right. We’ve got to go.
FAY JACK
What are we supposed to do out there? Howl at the moon?
LOBO JACK
We just got to sit until we know.
BRANDY KELLOG
Know what?
VERONICA DEBUSSY
What happened.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
That’s right. It won’t be so bad.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
In fact, it’ll be a relief.
PENNY
Like letting out your breath after holding it for a long time.
JAKE
Or evacuating your bowels after holding back for an hour.
PENNY
Jake!
JAKE
Sorry, but I’ve been waiting to use that one for about a century.
BRANDY KELLOG
A century?
PENNY
Just go on out to the prairie, under the stars. It’ll all make sense out there.
LOBO JACK
C’mon, Ma, Brandy. Let’s help old Mrs. Debussy. Her legs are like a pair of broken toothpicks.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
Yes, help me. I need to go out there right now.
BRANDY KELLOG
If that’s what you want, Mrs. Debussy.
FAY JACK
Heck, let’s get it over with. Lobo won’t give me no peace ‘til we do.
(VERONICA, BRANDY, FAY, and LOBO exit.)
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
Who’s next, Jake?
JAKE
Let’s see. Unit Five and Unit Twenty.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
(to GRACE)
You take Five. I’ll take Twenty.
(The CONSTABLES exit.)
PENNY
Lobo knew about this place a long time ago, didn’t he.
JAKE
Sure did. He’s one of the special ones.
PENNY
You feeling any better?
JAKE You’d think after this long, I wouldn’t get so distressed by all this.
PENNY
But you do, and that’s why I love you so much.
(PENNY exits.)
Jake’s Motel by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 4:
(CONSTABLE FREEBORN enters with MARYLOU and CORKY TACKER.)
CORKY TACKER
Maybe it’s about Dad, Mom.
MARYLOU TACKER
Is it about Dean, officer?
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
I’m afraid I can’t say.
MARYLOU TACKER
Then why are you dragging us in here?
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
All I can tell you is that it’s for the best.
CORKY TACKER
The best what?
JAKE
Be patient, Corky.
MARYLOU TACKER
This is turning into a nightmare.
CORKY TACKER
Maybe something good is going to happen, Mom.
MARYLOU TACKER
We’re broke and we can’t go home and we’re stranded in the middle of the prairie. What’s good about that?
CORKY TACKER
At least we’ve gotten away from Daddy.
MARYLOU TACKER
Unless he’s following us.
JAKE
He isn’t.
CORKY TACKER
How do you know, Jake?
JAKE
You said he’s an alcoholic. He loves the bottle more than he loves you.
MARYLOU TACKER
Jake, be careful what you say to my daughter.
JAKE
That’s why you left, isn’t it?
MARYLOU TACKER
Yes, but still.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
You did the right thing, Mrs. Tacker. Corky’s safe now.
CORKY TACKER
I am?
MARYLOU TACKER
I should have left Dean years ago.
CORKY TACKER
It wasn’t so bad then, Mom.
MARYLOU TACKER
Maybe not, but all the signs were there.
CORKY TACKER
You wanted me to have two parents. You tried so hard to make it okay for me, Mom.
MARYLOU TACKER
Why didn’t I see that he was an alcoholic?
CORKY TACKER
He was so sneaky about it, hiding bottles everywhere.
MARYLOU TACKER
I should have known. I should have done something.
CORKY TACKER
Daddy’s sick, Mom, and it’s not your fault.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
No one forces him to drink, Mrs. Tacker.
MARYLOU TACKER
I’ll never go back.
JAKE
That’s for sure.
(CONSTABLE BOWMAN enters with CHUCK, MISTY, and CHICKY PAVLOV.)
CHUCK PAVLOV
I hope we didn’t break any laws, officer.
MISTY PAVLOV
How could we have, Chuck? We were asleep.
CHICKY PAVLOV
Maybe we broke a law in our dreams.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
It’s nothing like that, Mr. Pavlov.
CHUCK PAVLOV
Is it bad news? Did someone we know die?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Everyone dies in the end, Mr. Pavlov.
MISTY PAVLOV
Is it my mom?
CHICKY PAVLOV
Not Granny!
JAKE
No Chicky, not your granny.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
Chuck, Misty, and Chicky, meet Marylou Tacker and her daughter Corky.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
They need to join your family.
CHUCK PAVLOV
Join our family?
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
They don’t have anyone else.
CORKY TACKER
I understand, Mom, I understand!
MARYLOU TACKER
Understand what, Corky?
CORKY TACKER
What the officer means.
MARYLOU TACKER
(to Constable Bowman)
How can we join them? We don’t even know them.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Sure you do. They’re human.
CHICKY PAVLOV
That’s right. We’re human, so we’re related.
MARYLOU TACKER
What’s going on here?
MISTY PAVLOV
(to MARYLOU)
You know, Marylou, there’s something about you. Don’t I know you from somewhere?
CORKY TACKER
Mom, I feel like I know the Pavlovs, like I’ve always known them.
CHUCK PAVLOV
Well, we’re all of us part of one big family, aren’t we?
MARYLOU TACKER
I feel sick.
CORKY TACKER
Mom, please. I know it sounds crazy, but I think we’re supposed to be with the Pavlovs now.
(PENNY enters.)
PENNY
Folks, just make your way out onto the prairie now. You’ll soon understand everything.
CHUCK PAVLOV
Nothing like a walk in the great outdoors to clear the mind.
MISTY PAVLOV
A walk on the prairie in the night under the stars.
CHICKY PAVLOV
That’s even better than dreaming about flying.
MARYLOU TACKER
I need some fresh air.
CORKY TACKER
Let me help you, Mom.
(CORKY takes her mother’s arm, and the PAVLOVS and TACKERS exit.)
PENNY
All those souls out there on the prairie.
JAKE
And more to go, Vince, Units Nine and Eighteen.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
How are you feeling, Grace?
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
You were right. Good marks don’t mean anything out here.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
You’re doing fine.
(CONSTABLE BOWMAN and CONSTABLE FREEBORN exit.)
JAKE
How’s it going in the kitchen?
PENNY
I’m cooking up a storm, Jake, cooking up a storm.
(PENNY exits.)
Jake’s Motel by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 5:
(CONSTABLE BOWMAN enters with NANCY TOFFLER and KELLY DRESDEN.)
NANCY TOFFLER
Officer, I’m a singer and my voice needs rest.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
This won’t take long, Miss Toffler.
KELLY DRESDEN
What do you want from us, officer?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Nothing.
NANCY TOFFLER
Then why are we here?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
That’s what you need to figure out.
NANCY TOFFLER
This is a stopover on our way to our next gig. That’s why we’re here.
JAKE
There’s more to it than that, Nancy.
NANCY TOFFLER
Kelly, I want to go back to our room.
(NANCY starts to leave.)
KELLY DRESDEN
Wait, Nancy. Don’t you feel it?
NANCY TOFFLER
Feel what?
KELLY DRESDEN
Something like silent music.
NANCY TOFFLER
Silent music? How can music be silent?
KELLY DRESDEN
You know, the silent spaces between the notes.
NANCY TOFFLER
The notes all flow together.
KELLY DRESDEN
No. There’s always a silent moment between every note, even if it’s as tiny as the space between the last moment of life and the first moment of death.
NANCY TOFFLER
That’s a very strange comparison, Kelly.
KELLY DRESDEN
It just seems like the right way to explain it.
NANCY TOFFLER
And that’s what you’re feeling, tiny spaces between notes?
KELLY DRESDEN
Yes. Don’t laugh at me when I tell you this, but it feels like eternity.
NANCY TOFFLER
That’s not funny; it’s odd. If you’re trying to make me scared, it’s working.
JAKE
No need to be scared, Nancy.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Kelly’s taking care of you.
NANCY TOFFLER
I don’t want to be taken care of. I want to go back to my room.
KELLY DRESDEN
I don’t think you can, Nancy.
NANCY TOFFLER
Why not?
KELLY DRESDEN
I don’t think our room is even there.
(CONSTABLE FREEBORN enters with SANDY and NADIA KOSINSKY.)
SANDY KOSINSKI
Who are these people, officer. What do you want from us?
NADIA KOSINSKI
We’ve got a long day ahead of us tomorrow. We need our sleep.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
Yes, you have a long day ahead of you. That’s why you’re here.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Kelly Dresden, Nancy Toffler, meet Sandy Kosinski and her daughter Nadia.
SANDY KOSINSKI
You brought us here to meet these people?
NADIA KOSINSKI
Why?
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
You’ve got to help each other through the next stage.
SANDY KOSINSKI
The next stage of what?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
We can’t tell you that.
NADIA KOSINSKI
Mom, what’s happening?
SANDY KOSINSKI I don’t know, Nadia.
(to KELLY and NANCY)
Do you people know?
NANCY TOFFLER
Kelly seems to think she does.
KELLY DRESDEN
No I don’t. I just feel as though everything’s changing for us. Everything.
SANDY KOSINSKI
Look, I’m on my way home from picking up my daughter at the university.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
We know, Mrs. Kosinsky.
SANDY KOSINSKI
Nadia’s been through a rough time and she needs me.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
She needs Nancy and Kelly too, Mrs. Kosinsky.
NANCY TOFFLER
Why does she need us? She’s got her mother with her!
JAKE
That’s not going to be enough.
NADIA KOSINSKI
Enough for what?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
For what you have to accept.
(PENNY enters.)
PENNY
Phew! I’ve only got a few more dishes to prepare. You folks better get out on the prairie right now.
KELLY DRESDEN
Yes, that’s right. Out on the prairie, where I wanted to go to play music.
NANCY TOFFLER
I’m not going.
SANDY KOSINSKI
Me neither. This is ridiculous.
NADIA KOSINSKI
Mom, if all these people want us to, let’s just go out there and get it over with.
KELLY DRESDEN
I don’t think it’ll take long, and then we can move on.
NANCY TOFFLER
All right, but only for a moment.
SANDY KOSINSKI
Just a moment.
JAKE
That’s all it takes.
(The KOSINSKIS and NANCY and KELLY exit.)
JAKE
Let’s see, that leaves Unit Ten, Twenty-Six and Twenty-Two.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
That’s a lot of souls.
PENNY
But it’s the last of them for now, so you’d better get to it, eh?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Think you can get through it, Grace?
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
I’ll get through it or die trying.
JAKE
She’s got a sense of humour, Vince.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Got to love that.
(The CONSTABLES exit.)
PENNY
Funny how some of them catch on in the end, and some don’t.
JAKE
Some are open and some are closed, but they all open up in the end.
PENNY
The tater tots!
(PENNY exits.)
JAKE I love tater tots with ketchup.
Jake’s Motel by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 6:
(CONSTABLE FREEBORN enters with TED, EVIE, and BERNIE WINTHROP.)
EVIE WINTHROP
Ted, are you just going to let this policewoman drag Bernie out here in the middle of the night?
TED WINTHROP
She wouldn’t be doing it if it wasn’t important, Evie.
EVIE WINTHROP
Bernie, are you cold, son?
BERNIE WINTHROP
I got the shivers.
EVIE WINTHROP
See? He’s catching a chill! Officer, I must get my boy back to bed.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
Please be patient, Mrs. Winthrop. Bernie will soon feel better.
TED WINTHROP
He’s just got a bit cold, Evie, that’s all!
EVIE WINTHROP
Why is everyone against me?
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
No one’s against you, Mrs. Winthrop. You’re against yourself.
EVIE WINTHROP
Young woman, stick to your business. What do you want us for?
JAKE
She wants you to meet your partners.
TED WINTHROP
Partners? What do you mean, Jake?
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
You need a bit of help to get through something.
EVIE WINTHROP
Get through what? Stop being vague.
TED WINTHROP
Don’t be scared, Bernie.
BERNIE WINTHROP
I’m not, Dad. I’m just cold.
TED WINTHROP
We’re on our way to my father’s cabin to spread his ashes.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
We know, Mr. Winthrop. Everyone’s on the way to something somewhere.
(OFFICER BOWMAN enters with MISSY TATUM and her daughter HENESSY.)
MISSY TATUM
All right, if anyone thinks I’m paying for that room after this, they’re very much mistaken.
HENESSY TATUM
You don’t even know what’s going on yet, Mom.
MISSY TATUM
I know that I’ve been kicked out of my bed and dragged in here against my will.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Shut up, Mrs. Tatum.
MISSY TATUM
What?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
I said, shut up!
HENESSY TATUM
You better do it, Mom.
MISSY TATUM
(to CONSTABLE BOWMAN)
If you don’t like the sound of my voice, that’s your problem, not mine.
HENESSY TATUM
Mom, he’s a policeman.
MISSY TATUM
He’s got anger issues, Henessy.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Mrs. Tatum, for once in your life, you’re going to take responsibility for your own behaviour.
HENESSY TATUM
She won’t do it, officer.
MISSY TATUM
(to VINCE)
You’re way out of line, mister. Stick to handing out speeding tickets.
TED WINTHROP
Please, Mrs. Tatum, let the police officers tell us what they want.
MISSY TATUM
Who the hell are you to tell me what to do?
HENESSY TATUM
(to VINCE)
She won’t co-operate with you. Just let her go back to bed.
EVIE WINTHROP
Look, my boy Bernie is not well. He’s got a chill and he should be in bed. Can’t we just get on with this?
MISSY TATUM
I don’t give a fat rat’s ass about your boy Bernie. If he’s so sick, why don’t you just let the little wimp die and get it over with.
(PENNY enters, goes up to MISSY TATUM, shakes her, and throws her down.)
PENNY
Don’t bother standing up unless you’re going to be polite.
MISSY TATUM
Officers, you saw what she did! Arrest her!
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
You’re on your own, Mrs. Tatum. All alone in the universe.
MISSY TATUM
What?
HENESSY TATUM
You heard them, Mom. You don’t have anyone anymore, not even me.
PENNY
Get out there on the prairie on your own, Mrs. Tatum, and deal with yourself.
MISSY TATUM
On my own?
PENNY
On your own.
MISSY TATUM
You can’t make me.
HENESSY TATUM
Don’t you get it, Mom. You’re on your own. You really are.
PENNY
Go on, Mrs. Tatum.
MISSY TATUM
(getting up)
You haven’t heard the last of this, lady.
(MISSY exits.)
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Evie, Ted, will you look after Henessy now?
TED WINTHROP
Of course.
EVIE WINTHROP
But we’ve got Bernie to worry about!
JAKE
Bernie’s going to be fine, aren’t you, Bernie.
BERNIE WINTHROP
I’m going to be fine now I’ve got a sister.
HENESSY TATUM
You’ll let me join your family, Mr. and Mrs. Winthrop?
TED WINTHROP
Yes.
EVIE WINTHROP
Ted!
TED WINTHROP
You always wanted another child, Evie. Now you’ve got one.
PENNY
Take her out on the prairie, Ted and Evie. You’ll all soon see why you’re here.
HENESSY TATUM
I’m ready to go, if you’ll take me.
EVIE WINTHROP
Can you help me look after Bernie, Henessy?
HENESSY TATUM
Of course.
TED WINTHROP
Let’s go, then. It’s got to be done.
(The WINTHROPS exit with HENESSY.)
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Jeeze, I almost forgot about Unit Twenty-two! Excuse me!
(CONSTABLE BOWMAN exits.)
PENNY
You look pale, Grace. Whoops, the Nanaimo bars!
(PENNY exits.)
JAKE
You’ll feel better when we wrap this up, Grace, I promise.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
I hope so.
(CONSTABLE BOWMAN enters with ELLEN CAULFIELD and her daughters SALOME, YERMA, and TANYA.)
ELLEN CAULFIELD
I’m not happy about this officer. These girls are tough to deal with at the best of times, but they’re impossible if they’re tired!
SALOME CAULFIELD
What’d you do, Mom, kill somebody?
YERMA CAULFIELD
I bet she killed Daddy.
TANYA CAULFIELD
Good. He’s the world’s biggest loser.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
You’re right about one thing.
SALOME CAULFIELD
What?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Your mother killed someone.
YERMA CAULFIELD
No she didn’t. She’s too timid to kill anyone.
TANYA CAULFIELD
Don’t try to scare us. What do you really want?
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
To tell you the truth.
ELLEN CAULFIELD
I didn’t kill anyone.
JAKE
I’m afraid you did, Mrs. Caulfield.
(SALOME, YERMA, and TANYA are subdued by this news.)
SALOME CAULFIELD
Mom’s a murderer?
YERMA CAULFIELD
Who’d she kill?
TANYA CAULFIELD
Are you going to put her in jail?
ELLEN CAULFIELD
I didn’t kill anyone! This is crazy!
SALOME CAULFIELD
Mom, why are they accusing you of murder?
YERMA CAULFIELD
What did you do, Mom?
TANYA CAULFIELD
Don’t lie to us. You got to tell us what you did…
ELLEN CAULFIELD
I didn’t do anything!
(PENNY enters.)
PENNY
Mrs. Caulfield, you need to take your girls out on the prairie for a while.
ELLEN CAULFIELD
This policeman says I killed someone!
PENNY
Just take them out on the prairie, and everything will make sense.
SALOME CAULFIELD
You going to just let her go? What if she runs away?
YERMA CAULFIELD
I don’t want to go out there with her if she’s a murderer.
TANYA CAULFIELD
Make her go by herself.
JAKE
You kids and your mother need to be together out there.
PENNY
Because you treat each other like enemies.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
You’re a family, even if you’re a bad one, and you’ve got to deal with this as a family.
ELLEN CAULFIELD
A bad family? I’ve done my best with these girls.
SALOME CAULFIELD
Mom tries. It’s just that she’s poor and not very smart.
YERMA CAULFIELD
And we get grumpy with her because she gets grumpy with us.
TANYA CAULFIELD
And we get grumpy with each other because Mom’s hardly ever around.
PENNY
Now you’re starting to make sense. Get out there on the prairie and figure the rest out.
SALOME CAULFIELD
Come on, Mom. I’ll go with you, even if Yerma and Tanya won’t.
YERMA CAULFIELD
Don’t try and make yourself her favourite, Salome. I’m going too.
TANYA CAULFIELD
Me too. I’m not gonna let you talk about me behind my back.
(The CAULFIELDS exit.)
JAKE
Where there’s life, there’s hope.
PENNY
That’s a good one, Jake! I swear, if you ever want another job, you could be a stand-up comedian.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
They’ll all be coming back any moment.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
I guess this is where I find out if I can handle the job.
JAKE
That’s the way we all feel every time this happens, Grace.
Jake’s Motel by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 7:
(The FULL CAST assembles on stage in their new groupings. MISSY TATUM is alone. Everyone is very subdued.)
JAKE
I guess you all know why you’re here now.
PENNY
The prairie tells you everything you need to know.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Because the prairie is eternity.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
And eternity holds no mysteries.
JAKE
You each need to make a statement to be entered into the records.
PENNY
Don’t be afraid, nothing can hurt you now.
TEDDY WELLSTONE
Now I know that everyone here is dead, but alive.
SHANNON WELLSTONE
We were all killed in automobile crashes on our way from A to B, or A to Zee if you prefer.
TINA NASH
Jake’s Motel is the place where those who die on the highways gather before moving on to eternity.
CHRISSY NASH
And eternity is nothing to be afraid of, especially when you can go there with your sister and those two lovely newlyweds.
LOBO JACK
We’re just going home, right Ma?
FAY JACK
That’s right, Lobo, back into the arms of the everlasting.
VERONICA DEBUSSY
Going home at last, after all my many long years on Earth.
BRANDY KELLOG
And I’ve got Lobo to go with me into eternity, and Mrs. Debussy has Mrs. Jack.
CHUCK PAVLOV
Going home. Don’t need a trailer full of photographs no more.
MISTY PAVLOV
We’re going to sail away out into the universe.
CHICKY PAVLOV
Flying forever across the endless reaches of space and time.
MARYLOU TACKER
Me and Corky and the Pavlovs, all woven together like a piece of soft silk.
CORKY TACKER
All of us one, and one of us all.
NANCY TOFFLER
We help each other fill the spaces in eternity with ourselves.
KELLY DRESDEN
And we hear the music of eternity, a symphony of stars and comets.
TED WINTHROP
The screaming metal of our crashing, smashing cars is silent now.
EVIE WINTHROP
Never again will we be cold, or sick, or hungry.
BERNIE WINTHROP
We are endless and infinite.
HENESSY TATUM
We are on a journey with no beginning and no end.
ELLEN CAULFIELD
I crashed my car and my girls and I died, but I am forgiven.
SALOME CAULFIELD
When life ends, there is only forgiveness.
YERMA CAULFIELD
There is only peace.
TANYA CAULFIELD
There is only everything, and everything is the only thing.
MISSY TATUM
I died, and so did my daughter, and in death I am alive with her for the first time somehow. Alive with her in her forgiveness and the forgiveness of everyone and everything.
CONSTABLE BOWMAN
Welcome, Grace. Now you know how it goes.
CONSTABLE FREEBORN
Now I know and I feel whole.
PENNY
And now I can feed you all with my universal delights cooked up in my cosmic kitchen, because all souls need nourishment of the spiritual kind for your vast and endless journeys.
JAKE
(to audience)
The name’s Jake, and this is my motel. It’s a place for folks like you to stop and rest on your way from A to B, or A to Zee, if you prefer. The rooms are clean and cheap, and you can do pretty much whatever you want in them so long as you don’t bother your neighbours. I’d kinda like it if all you’d do is sleep, but, being human, you’re probably going to do a heck of a lot more than that.
END OF PLAY