Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Copyright: Richard Stuart Dixon, 2003
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 55 minutes.
• style: satirical clown play
• suitable for general audiences
• 26 characters (15 female, 11 male)
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Janie’s Bedroom” is a clown play about a magical head who appears in a Canadian teenage girl’s bedroom, thus setting off an international uproar. Whimsical and sometimes bizarre, the play roundly lampoons various iconic cultural norms that permeate personal and public life.
(This play was first performed on June 9, 10, 11, 12, in the year 2003, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
∗Published Online by Good School Plays, April 2, 2015.
Go to:
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Scene 5
Scene 6
Scene 7
Scene 8
Scene 9
Scene 10
Scene 11
Scene 12
Characters:
Uncle Otto, a magical head
Acolyte Stardust, his magical assistant
Acolyte Galaxia, his magical assistant
Tom Pfffttt, produce manager at Foodex
Mimi Pfffttt, his wife
Janie Pfffttt, 15, their daughter
Grommet Pfffttt, 10, their son.
Herschel Duck, 10, Grommet’s friend
Sergeant Maple Sirrup, RCMP officer
Constable Connie Canola, RCMP officer
Reverend Elija Bombast, charismatic preacher
Sister Lilly Siliputti, his disciple
Sister Faith Blindfollow, his disciple
Mr. Garfield Baltimore, Janie’s English teacher
Ms. Emma Tremblin, Janie’s sewing teacher
Byrne Rubber, a biker in a wheelchair
Infinity Frolic, a hippie
Foggy Dawn, a hippie
Ms. Trivia Spew, broadcast journalist
Mr. Vidpak Tekboy, cameraman
Colonel Arkady Blastoff, Russian cosmonaut
Flight Sergeant Shootya Frudaskaya, his aide-de-camp
General Mayhem, United States Army
Major Disturbance, his aide-de-camp
Ms. Putta Spinonit, Canadian government bureaucrat
Ms. Nokya Intaline, American government bureaucrat
Janie’s Bedroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 1:
(JANIE is asleep on her bed. OTTO, in his big chair, with his ACOLYTES beside him, is present as she awakens. JANIE yawns, stretches, and mutters to herself.)
JANIE Pfffttt
I must have fallen asleep after eating that Mars Bar for supper. My guts are churning like buttermilk in a cheese factory.
GALAXIA and STARDUST
Janie Pfffttt! Janie Pfffttt!
JANIE Pfffttt
What the….???
GALAXIA and STARDUST
Janie Pfffttt, meet Uncle Otto….
(GALAXIA and STARDUST sing.)
Uncle Otto! Uncle Otto!
With such a magnificent head!
Uncle Otto! Uncle Otto!
Dear Janie, get out of your bed!
Uncle Otto! Uncle Otto!
With such irresistible eyes!
Uncle Otto! Uncle Otto!
Dear Janie, you must realize….
That Otto is here
There’s nothing to fear
He’s lovely and dear
And won’t disappear
So dry up those tears
And we’ll make it clear
Why Otto is wonderfully near!
And will be for many more years.
Uncle Otto! Uncle Otto!
La, la, la, la, la, la, laaaa….
GALAXIA
You see, Janie…Uncle Otto is your friend.
STARDUST
He won’t harm you, child….just look at his big goofy grin!
UNCLE OTTO
(loudly, joyously)
BIG GOOFY GRIN!
JANIE
My bedroom! It’s become huge, like a big, black empty stage!
GALAXIA
Of course, Dear! That’s the magic of Uncle Otto!
JANIE
And it smells like an exotic Caribbean island!
STARDUST
That’s Uncle Otto’s breath!
UNCLE OTTO
(exhaling loudly)
Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
(GROMMET and HERSCHEL enter. They speak with the high-pitched voices of children.)
GROMMET
Look, Herschel! My sister’s room has expanded like a balloon and there are weird beings in the middle of it!
HERSCHEL
Yeah! Weird beings, Grommet…and it smells like a girl in a wedding dress!
JANIE Pfffttt
Grommet Pfffttt and Herschel Duck! You’re not allowed in my room!
GROMMET
Are too! Me and Herschel are spozed ta tell ya ta come for supper. It’s macaroni.
UNCLE OTTO
(loudly, joyously)
FLOAT, MY LITTLE ONE!
HERSCHEL
(who appears to be floating across the room)
Grommet! I’m floating!
GROMMET
I want to float! I want to float!
(GROMMET too begins to float about the room.)
GROMMET
This is fun!
(He crashes into HERSCHEL, and they fall down.)
HERSCHEL
Watch out, ya little turd!
GROMMET
Shut up, Herschel, ya snotball!
(They wrestle.)
UNCLE OTTO
(loudly, despairingly)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
(The ACOLYTES descend on HERSCHEL and GROMMET and pull them apart. The ACOLYTES then place their lovely hands under the chins of the surprised boys, who stare in wonderment at the beautiful beings.)
HERSCHEL
What a pretty lady!
GROMMET
C’mon Herschel…let’s go tell Mom and Dad!
(They exit excitedly and the ACOLYTES return to UNCLE OTTO.)
JANIE Pfffttt
Those brats! They’ll ruin everything!
UNCLE OTTO
(loudly, commandingly)
THERE SHALL BE NO RUINIATION!
GALAXIA and STARDUST
Uncle Otto has offered an utterance!
(TOM and MIMI Pfffttt enter with GROMMET and HERSCHEL)
GROMMET
See, Daddy…Janie’s room is HUGE!
HERSCHEL
And there’s a magic head and two pretty ladies in it!
TOM Pfffttt
Janie, what’s going on here?
MIMI Pfffttt
Why is your room so big dear? And who are those people?
TOM Pfffttt
You better have a good explanation, young lady.
MIMI Pfffttt
Your father worked extra hard today in the produce department at Foodex.
TOM Pfffttt
I was up to my elbows in bok-choy!
MIMI Pfffttt
And I spent all afternoon trying to sell a condo to a gangster with an attitude.
TOM Pfffttt
So if you think your mother and I are going to put up with your little optical illusions…
MIMI Pfffttt
…and possibly drug-induced hallucinations…
TOM and MIMI Pfffttt
…you’re dead wrong!
UNCLE OTTO
(loudly, condemningly)
NAAASSSTTTYYY!
(OTTO stretches the word out, long and loud, as the two ACOLYTES writhe like serpents.)
MIMI Pfffttt
(disturbed by the intense and obvious condemnation)
Tom, I think we better go.
TOM Pfffttt
(also shocked and uncomfortable)
Yes. Yes. Go. We better go.
MIMI Pfffttt
(backing out as UNCLE OTTO and the ACOLYTES glare at her and TOM )
And Tom…we’d better get some help….
TOM Pfffttt
Yes….get some help…
UNCLE OTTO
(loudly, condemningly)
NAAASSSTTTYYY!
(The Pfffttt PARENTS flee.)
GROMMET
You are in so much trouble, Janie Pfffttt…
HERSCHEL
Your daddy’s gonna wupp your butt ‘til it’s red as a stop sign!
(They both giggle at the thought of this unlikely outcome, and then run off.)
End of Scene 1.
Janie’s Bedroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 2:
JANIE Pfffttt
Mom and Dad will fetch the police. They don’t like uninvited guests in their cozy suburban bungalow.
STARDUST
Never mind, dear.
GALACTIA
Uncle Otto will know just what to do.
(GALACTIA and STARDUST sing…)
Dear Janie, you must realize….
That Otto is here
There’s nothing to fear
He’s lovely and dear
And won’t disappear
So dry up those tears
And we’ll make it clear
Why Otto is wonderfully near!
And will be for many more years.
Uncle Otto! Uncle Otto!
La, la, la, la, la, la, la , laaaa….
JANIE Pfffttt
(to UNCLE OTTO)
Say, do you mind if I film you with my webcam?
UNCLE OTTO
(loudly, with enthusiasm)
BIG GOOFY GRIN!!
JANIE Pfffttt
(pointing her webcam at UNCLO OTTO’S giant head)
I guess that means yes.
(HERSCHEL and GROMMET run in.)
HERSCHEL
Janie, your Mom and Dad called the cops!
GROMMET
Sergeant Sirrup and Constable Canola of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police came zooming up in their squad car.
HERSCHEL
You’re gonna get busted, Janie.
(GROMMET and HERSCHEL think this is very funny and giggle and laugh a lot as MIMI and TOM Pfffttt enter with SERGEANT MAPLE SIRRUP and CONSTABLE CONNIE CANOLA.)
TOM Pfffttt
There they are, Sergeant Sirrup.!
MIMI Pfffttt
They’ve got Janie in some kind of trance!
SERGEANT SIRRUP
(impressed by the size of the room)
This is a heck of a big bedroom.
CONSTABLE CANOLA
Yeah. And that cathedral ceiling is grotesquely disproportionate.
MIMI Pfffttt
We didn’t call you here to provide a critique of Canadian bungalow architecture!
TOM Pfffttt
Do your duty, Sergeant, or I’ll place a call to city hall!
GROMMET
Are you gonna use your gun, Constable Canola?
CONSTABLE CANOLA
No, Grommet, our service weapons shall remain holstered.
GROMMET and HERSCHEL
Awwwwww!
SERGEANT SIRRUP
Unless that giant head over there threatens violence.
GROMMET and HERSCHEL
Yayyyyy!
SERGEANT SIRRUP
(to OTTO and the ACOLYTES)
All right, you folks…the party’s over.
CONSTABLE CANOLA
Now come along with the sergeant and me and we’ll take a nice ride downtown in our capacious cruiser.
UNCLE OTTO
(Drawing it out long and savagely as the ACOLYTES shriek simultaneously)
PORRRRKKKKK!
SERGEANT SIRRUP
That’s no way to talk to officers of the law…Now come on…
(SIRRUP and CANOLA approach OTTO and the ACOLYTES, but find themselves butting up against an invisible force of some kind, created by the ACOLYTES, who hold out their arms and hands in a “stop” gesture.)
SERGEANT SIRRUP
Uhhhh. Can’t get close.
CONSTABLE CANOLA
(to SIRRUP)
Never seen anything like it, Sarge.
(The OFFICERS stand back and appraise the situation.)
SERGEANT SIRRUP
Mr. Pfffttt, you better grab Janie and get her out of here.
TOM Pfffttt
Yes…of course…must save my little Janie.
(He goes towards her, but encounters the invisible force.)
TOM Pfffttt
Some kind of force field…can’t break through…uhnnnn!
(Even though he is strong from handling produce at Foodex, he cannot get to his smug daughter.)
MIMI Pfffttt
(trying unsuccessfully to reach Janie)
Janie, dear, come with us, right now!
JANIE Pfffttt
No way.
GROMMET
I want a force field! I want a force field!
(GROMMET pretends to have a force field. HERSCHEL pretends to throw himself against it and fall down. They laugh and laugh.)
TOM Pfffttt
(loudly, with dismay)
That’s enough, Grommet! Can’t you see that Janie’s thrown our family into a crisis?
CONSTABLE CANOLA
The girl appears to be in no immediate danger, Mr. and Mrs. Pfffttt.
SERGEANT SIRRUP
Constable Canola, we’ll go to the squad car, consider our options, and call for instructions.
CONSTABLE CANOLA
The rest of you stay here.
SERGEANT SIRRUP
And stay calm.
( CANOLA and SIRRUP exit.)
MIMI Pfffttt
Dear, I think perhaps we should summon Reverend Bombast.
TOM Pfffttt
Yes. This seems to be the work of some sort of demonic force.
GROMMET and HERSCHEL
Oh boy! Demonic forces!
MIMI Pfffttt
You kids stay away from that big head over there.
GROMMET
Awww, Mom!
HERSCHEL
We won’t do nothin’ to that stupid head!
MIMI Pfffttt
You better not, or your father will speak to you for a long time in a strict tone of voice! Come on, Tom. There’s not a second to lose.
TOM Pfffttt
Yes, dear, not a second to lose when the forces of darkness are unleashed upon us!
(They exit.)
JANIE Pfffttt
Grommet! Herschel! You gotta do something for me.
GROMMET
What?
JANIE Pfffttt
Go get Mr. Baltimore and Ms. Tremblin for me. Bring them here.
HERSCHEL
Your English teacher and your sewing teacher?
GROMMET
Waddaya want them for?
JANIE Pfffttt
Just bring them here. If you do, I’ll let you ask Uncle Otto a question.
GROMMET
We don’t need your permission to talk to that head!
UNCLE OTTO
(loudly, with conviction)
JANIE IS IN CHARGE!
(The ACOLYTES shriek furiously.)
HERSCHEL
We better do what she says, Grommet…
GROMMET
All right, but you better keep yer promise, Janie!
(GROMMET and HERSCHEL exit.)
End of Scene 2.
Janie’s Bedroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 3:
(TOM and MIMI Pfffttt enter with REVEREND BOMBAST, SISTER SILLIPUTTI, and SISTER BLINDFOLLOW.)
MIMI Pfffttt
Janie, dear, we’ve brought Reverend Bombast to help get rid of the demon-like things.
TOM Pfffttt
The reverend thinks you may be possessed, Janie.
MIMI Pfffttt
But don’t worry, darling…he and his disciples will expunge that nasty head and those two harlots from Hades.
REVEREND BOMBAST
This is a very large room for a bedroom.
SISTER SILLIPUTTI
And it doesn’t have enough windows.
SISTER BLINDFOLLOW
And it would look better in pink.
MIMI Pfffttt
Please, Reverend. The police have already criticized the room.
TOM Pfffttt
Must you add more fuel to the fire of our humiliation?
REVEREND BOMBAST
Where is the head you spoke of?
MIMI Pfffttt
Right there in front of you.
REVEREND BOMBAST
I see nothing. How about you, Sister Silliputti?
SISTER SILLIPUTTI
Oh, Reverend Bombast, I see you standing there like the great clenched fist of whatever supreme being we choose to support, ready to deliver a death blow to the foul manifestations of Evil.
REVEREND BOMBAST
Sister Blindfollow?
SISTER BLINDFOLLOW
Oh, Reverend Bombast, I see you standing there like a fierce lion, guarding whatever earthly kingdom we choose to support against the demon hordes from the nether-world!
REVEREND BOMBAST
Sister Silliputti and Sister Blindfollow, I am indeed the great clenched fist of one supreme being or another, and the leonine guardian of one earthly kingdom or another. Bow before me. BOW BEFORE ME!
SISTER SILLIPUTTI
(throwing herself down before him)
I bow, Reverend Bombast, I bow!
SISTER BLINDFOLLOW
(throwing herself down also)
I bow more, Reverend Bombast, I bow more!
SISTER SILLIPUTTI
You do not bow more, Sister Blindfollow! You scarcely bend at all!
SISTER BLINDFOLLOW
No, I bend better, and now I’m going to bend YOU!
(She attacks SISTER SILLIPUTTI. They wrestle in a frenzy of competitive hatred, halting between wrestling moves to argue over who REVEREND BOMBAST likes best. REVEREND BOMBAST watches with satisfaction.)
SISTER BLINDFOLLOW
Reverend Bombast likes me better!
SISTER SILLIPUTTI
You! How could he like you! You don’t bake his breakfast biscuits!
SISTER BLINDFOLLOW
You don’t rub his big old back!
SISTER SILLIPUTTI
You don’t press his polyester pants!
SISTER BLINDFOLLOW
You don’t shave his fuzzy face!
SISTER SILLIPUTTI
You don’t walk his adorable dog!
UNCLE OTTO
(loudly, with outrage)
SACRILEGE!
(The ACOLYTES shriek hysterically, and suddenly REVEREND BOMBAST and the SISTERS see the head.)
REVEREND BOMBAST
Great balls of fire! A demonic being has arisen before us!
(SISTERS SILLIPUTTI and BLINDFELLOW react by running about randomly and screaming. They crash into each other, fall to floor, and regain their senses without losing their urgency.)
TOM Pfffttt
Do something, Reverend!
MIMI Pfffttt
Be the great clenched fist of one supreme being or another!
REVEREND BOMBAST
(disoriented and confused)
By the power vested in me by the Abbottsford Chamber of Commerce….
SISTER BLINDFOLLOW
Wrong organization, Reverend!
REVEREND BOMBAST
Oh, yes. I mean, by the power vested in me by the King of Scotland….
SISTER SILLIPUTTI
Wrong again, Reverend!
REVEREND BOMBAST
Dagnab it.
(with a supreme effort, finally getting it right)
By the power vested in me by the Temple of the Eternally Vacant Mind, I exorcise this room! Demons, be gone! Be gone, I say!
SISTER SILLIPUTTI
(in a demonic voice, with a changed body)
Sister Silliputti has gone away. My name is HiMarkup. I am a demon from the seventh level of the sucking vortex of retail clothing.
SISTER BLINDFOLLOW
(in a demonic voice, with a changed body)
Sister Blindfollow has gone bye-bye. I am Torquespew, a demon from the eighth ring of overpriced, overpowered, oversized pickup trucks..
(SISTER SILLIPUTTII minces about like a supermodel, and SISTER BLINDFOLLOW trundles about like a truck.)
REVEREND BOMBAST
My disciples have become possessed! I must try again…DEMONS, BE GONE!
(This has no effect on the SISTERS, but the Pfffttts become possessed.)
MIMI Pfffttt
(with a changed voice and body)
I am TOXIN, a demon from the third sphere of household cleaning products!
TOM Pfffttt
(with a changed voice and body)
I am SUGARJAG, a demon from the fifth circle of high school vending machines!
(He begins a jagged, electrical spasmodic dance as Mimi wiggles her arms, legs, head, and body like toxic fumes.)
REVEREND BOMBAST
(hustling about desperately in the pandemonium)
Demons be gone! Demons be gone! Please go away! I’ll bake your biscuits, rub your backs, press your pants, shave your faces, walk your dogs…anything…but please GO!
UNCLE OTTO
(with the ACOLYTES joining in, to make a loud sound)
AAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!
(The SISTERS and the Pfffttts freeze. REVEREND BOMBAST finds himself writhing about in an odd dance before finally throwing himself down on his knees before the all-powerful head.)
REVEREND BOMBAST
We will go now, Mighty Head…we will seek guidance through meditation…forgive us…forgive us…
UNCLE OTTO
(again with help from his ACOLYTES)
AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!
(The Pfffttts and the SISTERS snap out of their freeze, and they and REVEREND BOMBAST run about in confusion, knocking each other over before exiting in a panic.)
JANIE Pfffttt
Now I wonder when Grommet and Herschel will get back. I need to see those teachers real bad.
End of Scene 3.
Janie’s Bedroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 4:
(GROMMET and HERSCHEL enter with GARFIELD BALTIMORE and EMMA TREMBLIN, who look around in confusion.)
GROMMET
Hey Janie, we got them teachers for ya!
HERSCHEL
They was at the high school marking papers.
JANIE
Were they together?
GROMMET
Nope. Separate classrooms.
JANIE
Too bad.
GARFIELD BALTIMORE
(who has an English or Australian accent, take your pick)
I say, Janie, whatever’s going on?
EMMA TREMBLIN
What on earth is that enormous head over there? And who are those two “hotties”, as you young folks like to call them.
GARFIELD BALTIMORE
And how do you explain this enormous bedroom, Janie? I should think there is room enough in here for an entire regiment of the Coldstream Guards!
JANIE
Mr. Baltimore, remember when you read us the story of the magic kangaroo?
GARFIELD BALTIMORE
Pardon, Janie?
EMMA TREMBLIN
She must mean the story of the magic kangaroo with the huge pouch, Garfield.
JANIE
Yeah. The kangaroo with the magic pouch.
GARFIELD BALTIMORE
Oh, you mean “Didgeridoo and the Magic Roo”! Of course I remember. But I don’t see what that has to do with all this….
GROMMET
What kind of teacher are you, Mr. Baltimore? Can’t ya figure out what Janie’s saying?
HERSCHEL
You’re supposed ta be an English teacher and you don’t even know how to compare a story to real life!
EMMA TREMBLIN
That’s not fair, Herschel. Garfield…I mean “Mr. Baltimore”, has had a long day teaching, and after school he had to coach the cheer and dance team, and then he had to mark sixty essays on “Why We Love to Treat Each Other Like Crap in High School”.
JANIE
Miss Tremblin, how come you know so much about what Mr. Baltimore was doing today?
EMMA TREMBLIN
(blushing furiously)
I….I….I happened to pass by his classroom on my way to the “little girls’ room”.
JANIE
Uh-huh. The little girls’ room.
GARFIELD BALTIMORE
Perhaps we ought to get back to the kangaroo story. As I recall, the kangaroo’s pouch looked normal on the outside, but was a vast and magical palace on the inside.
JANIE
And…..
GARFIELD BALTIMORE
A little girl was running away from her mean parents. She sprinted across the outback and hopped into the kangaroo’s pouch, tumbled down into the magic palace, and became the Queen of Kangaroo Land.
JANIE
Do you understand now?
EMMA TREMBLIN
Your bedroom is a kangaroo’s pouch?
GROMMET and HERSCHEL
Bingo!
JANIE
Well, not a kangaroo’s pouch…more like an angel’s womb.
UNCLE OTTO
(as the ACOLYTES hum a high note)
AN ANGEL’S WOMB!
(MR. BLATIMORE and MS. TREMBLIN are impressed.)
JANIE
And I’ve been filming it all on my webcam.
HERSCHEL and GROMMET
(giggling wildly)
WEBCAM!
GARFIELD BALTIMORE
But why did you bring me and Ms. Tremblin here, Janie?
EMMA TREMBLIN
After all, I’m only your sewing teacher…all I’ve ever done for you is help you stitch a pair of boxer shorts.
JANIE
Exactly. You helped me create a pair of underpants. And Mr. Baltimore showed me how to spell “doobie” for my essay on the benefits and dangers of marijuana. You’re the only adults who have ever done anything nice for me.
GARFIELD BALTIMORE
Bringing us here to your bizarre bedroom is an odd way of showing your appreciation, Janie.
JANIE
But don’t you see…I need your help again. Soon all kinds of people will be trying to get into my bedroom to see Uncle Otto…
EMMA TREMBLIN
Uncle Otto?
GROMMET
The giant head.
HERSCHEL
With the two pretty ladies floating round it.
JANIE
And I’ll need your guidance…you both have university degrees, after all.
GARFIELD BALTIMORE
A B.A. hardly equips me for a journey through the supernatural wonders of your bedroom, Janie.
EMMA TREMBLIN
And I’m from Saskatchewan. I don’t even have a degree.
JANIE
Will you help me or not?
(MR. BALTIMORE and MS. TERMBLIN look at each other.)
GARFIELD BALTIMORE
Very well. I’ll assist you, Janie. It’s a good deal more interesting than marking those moronic essays.
EMMA TREMBLIN
I’ll help too, Janie. Perhaps I can keep everything nice and tidy.
(She tries to straighten up GROMMET’s clothing.)
GROMMET
Hey! Hands off my threads, lady!
EMMA TREMBLIN
Oh dear!
(She desists and withdraws.)
End of Scene 4.
Janie’s Bedroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 5:
(BYRNE RUBBER enters in his wheelchair.)
BYRNE RUBBER
Is this Janie Pffft’s bedroom?
HERSCHEL
Yeah. Who wants ta know?
GARFIELD BALTIMORE
Herschel, there’s no need to be rude.
BYRNE RUBBER
That’s all right. He’s just a stupid kid.
GROMMET
Herschel ain’t stupid. You’re stupid.
BYRNE RUBBER
Wrong. I’m Byrne…Byrne Rubber. I saw your room on the internet, Janie, so I took a taxi right over here.
UNCLE OTTO
(loudly and graciously)
WELCOME, BIKER MAN!
GALAXIA and STARDUST
(singing)
Born to be wild!
Born to be wild!
Yeah!
EMMA TREMBLIN
What did the head mean when he said “Biker Man”, Mr. Rubber?
BYRNE RUBBER
I was a biker before I joined the U.S Marines.
GROMMET
Were you a Hell’s Angel, Mr. Rubber?
BYRNE RUBBER
I rode like hell, but I weren’t no angel, kid.
GARFIELD BALTIMORE
Why did you join the U.S. marines, Mr. Rubber?
BYRNE RUBBER
My old lady dumped me. She ran off with a stock broker who paid to get her body parts surgically enhanced..
JANIE
(bitterly)
If only they could find a way to surgically enhance people’s brains.
EMMA TREMBLIN
Yes. If people could be made smarter, they wouldn’t give a hoot about those awful implants.
HERSCHEL
How’d you end up in a wheelchair, Mr. Rubber?
BYRNE RUBBER
The marines shipped me to Iraq in ‘03. I didn’t like it and prayed for a miracle to get me out of there. Then one of my own guys shot me in the back by mistake and I was shipped home. I bin in this chair ever since.
JANIE Pfffttt
Why did you come here, Mr.Rubber?
BYRNE RUBBER
It’s gonna get pretty crazy in here as folks start coming over to check out the head. You’re gonna need a bouncer.
GARFIELD BALTIMORE
But Mr. Rubber…
BYRNE RUBBER
Call me Byrne.
GARFIELD BALTIMORE
All right… “Byrne”…isn’t it rather difficult to immobolize ruffians when you’re confined to a wheelchair?
BYRNE RUBBER
Watch me!
(He quickly wheels over to GROMMET, grabs him, and hurls him across the room. GROMMET squeals with delight.)
HERSCHEL
Me! Me!
(BYRNE accomodates HERSCHEL, sending him hurtling across the room.)
GROMMET
(terribly excited)
Me! Me!
(BYRNE hurls GROMMET…then Herschel again…but Herschel crashes into GARFIELD BALTIMORE, who crashes into EMMA TREMBLIN. The two fall into a “romantic” position on the floor, with their lips only centimetres apart.)
EMMA TREMBLIN
Mr. Baltimore!…Garfield…
GARFIELD BALTIMORE
Ms. Tremblin!….Emma…
EMMA TREMBLIN
Oh, Garfield, Garfield…
GARFIELD BALTIMORE
Emma…my sweet, sweet Emma…
(Just as they are about to kiss, OTTO speaks.)
UNCLE OTTO
(loudly, with deep feeling)
THE HEART IS A LONELY HUNTER!
(EMMA and GARFIELD freeze.)
STARDUST
“The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter”, written by Carson McCullers in 1940, chronicles the lives of a group of lonely, marginalized individuals.
GALAXIA
Each is tragically isolated and desperate for meaningful social contact.
STARDUST
Each wants to be heard, wants to be loved…
GALAXIA
…and wants to escape from a society that stifles intimacy.
JANIE
Mr. Baltimore…Ms. Tremblin…your hearts are lonely hunters….
(There is a silent moment.)
GARFIELD BALTIMORE
(getting up)
Awfully sorry, Ms. Tremblin. The lad knocked me off my balance. I went over like a blooming skittle.
EMMA TREMBLIN
(flustered and getting up)
That’s all right, Mr. Baltimore…I’m not hurt…not in the least…
(She is on the verge of tears.)
BYRNE RUBBER
Someone’s outside. I know it. My ears are ultra-sensitive due to special implants.
GROMMET
Ya hear that, Ms. Tremblin? Not all implants are awful.
EMMA TREMBLIN
(giving way to her tears)
Oh, boo hoo.
(GALAXIA and STARDUST go to her and comfort her.)
End of Scene 5.
Janie’s Bedroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 6:
(INFINITY FROLIC and FOGGY DAWN enter. BYRNE RUBBER goes to them and guards them.)
FOGGY DAWN
We come in search of the head.
INFINITY FROLIC
We come in peace.
FOGGY DAWN
Peace and love.
HERSCHEL
Hippies!
FOGGY DAWN
We were eating tofu nuggets in a vegan café and browsing the net.
INFINITY FROLIC
And suddenly a website just popped up on our screens…Otto Online.
FOGGY DAWN
Yeah. Otto Online. So we scarfed the last of the nuggets…
INFINITY FROLIC
…and trusting our cosmic instincts, we made our way to this holy place.
FOGGY DAWN
I’m Foggy Dawn. And this is Infinity Frolic.
GROMMET
Hippies! You got any dope?
JANIE
Grommet!
UNCLE OTTO
(loudly, with insistence)
NO DRUGS!
STARDUST
Your body is a sacred vessel.
GALAXIA
Your mind must be a starfield in the drug-free vacuum of space.
FOGGY DAWN
We are definitely in the right place, Infinity.
INFINITY FROLIC
Yes. The head speaks the truth such as we know it.
FOGGY DAWN
Can we crash here, Janie? We won’t make trouble.
JANIE
Mr. Baltimore?
GARFIELD BALTIMORE
They look like a pair of good sports.
JANIE
Ms. Tremblin?
EMMA TREMBLIN
They are flower children…surely they deserve a place here?
HERSCHEL and GROMMET
Hippies!
BYRNE RUBBER
Pot smoking, incense burning, children of the universe.
JANIE
Welcome, Foggy and Infinity. Make yourselves at home. But NO POT!
FOGGY DAWN
Bless you, Janie. Infinity and I no longer require drugs of any kind, and probably never did.
INFINITY FROLIC
We’ve reached the next level, and it’s brought us here.
FOGGY DAWN
C’mon, Infinity. We can set up our camp right over there in the corner.
INFINITY FROLIC
(to FOGGY)
This is a lot better than that cat house in Tijuana.
FOGGY DAWN
Ah yes, the Tijuana cat house…a bad trip that is best forgotten, my dear Infinity.
(They amble to the corner of the room and set up a little camp with colourful fabric, and sit in the lotus position.)
End of Scene 6.
Janie’s Bedroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 7:
(COLONEL BLASTOFF and FLIGHT SERGEANT FRUDASKAYA enter.)
FLIGHT SERGEANT FRUDASKAYA
Excuse please. Is this home of Janie Pfffttt?
BYRNE RUBBER
Who’s asking?
FLIGHT SERGEANT FRUDASKAYA
I am Flight Sergeant Shootya Frudaskaya of the Russian Air Force, and this is my commanding officer, Colonel Arkady Blastoff.
COLONEL BLASTOFF
I am Russian cosmonaut. We are on cultural exchange.
FLIGHT SERGEANT FRUDASKAYA
Tonight I go online to find good Chinese takeout and stumble on website of Janie Pffft.
COLONEL BLASTOFF
Sergeant Frudaskaya roars like wounded Russian bear. I rush over to computer monitor and see giant head.
FLIGHT SERGEANT FRUDASKAYA
Colonel Blastoff turns white as Siberian soccer field. “The Head!” he screams. “Solnyshko moya….Radost moya…Darogoya moya!” he shouts. “The Great Head!”
COLONEL BLASTOFF
Twenty years ago I am in Soyuz spaceship, far from this little planet. My ship floats in empty vacuum of space. Suddenly, through tiny window, I see empty beer can float by. Is sign of some sort.
FLIGHT SERGEANT FRUDASKAYA
Colonel Blastoff is genius. He thinks and thinks. Then suddenly he understands. Empty beer can was once full!
COLONEL BLASTOFF
Do you not see? Can is empty. EMPTY!
(throwing himself on his knees in the passion of his despair)
Just as WE are EMPTY! ALL OF US!
FLIGHT SERGEANT FRUDASKAYA
And once we were full.
COLONEL BLASTOFF
Full of LIFE! Full of JOY of EXISTENCE! And now, we are EMPTY like STUPID AMERICAN BEER CAN!
(He sinks to the floor, exhausted from his outpouring of feeling.)
FLIGHT SERGEANT FRUDASKAYA
(stroking his fevered brow)
Please, Arkady Andreyevich, your blood pressure!
COLONEL BLASTOFF
(inflamed by his passions)
DO NOT CODDLE ME, Flight Sergeant Frudaskaya!
(She draws back in alarm as he rises to his full height and roars.)
COLONEL BLASTOFF
Great head! I beg you, RESTORE us to FULLNESS!
BYRNE RUBBER
Take it easy, buddy, or I’ll be forced to hurl you back into space.
GARFIELD BALTIMORE
You must try to show a little more restraint, my Russian friend.
EMMA TREMBLIN
Please, Colonel Blastoff…you’re scaring the children!
GROMMET
We ain’t scared!
(Actually, they are terrified.)
HERSCHEL
You’re the one that’s scared, ya stupid teacher!
EMMA TREMBLIN
Oh, boo hoo.
(She sobs in despair and loneliness.)
FOGGY DAWN
Bad vibes, man.
INFINITY FROLIC
Bummer.
STARDUST
(singing, as waltz music emanates)
Spin like the planets so far off in space!
GALAXIA
(also singing)
Spin like the eyes in the giant head’s face!
(Everyone but JANIE starts to spin around like planets, following their own orbits of various sizes around one another.)
STARDUST
Spin through the cosmos, oh spin through the night ….
GALAXIA
It’s better to spin than to fuss and to fight…
GALAXIA and STARDUST
(singing together)
Whenever you’re feeling all empty and blue
There’s something special you always can do
Spread out your arms and go spinning around
Spinning and spinning ‘til peace you have found.
(On the final line of the little rhyme, all the spinners freeze, then OTTO speaks.)
UNCLE OTTO
(loudly, interrogatively)
WILL THE CIRCLE BE UNBROKEN?
GALAXIA and STARDUST
(singing together)
By and by, folks, by and by.
There’s a better home awaiting
In the sky, folks, in the sky.
(Everyone comes back to life.)
JANIE Pfffttt
Join us, Arkady Andreyevitch Blastoff and Shootya Frudaskaya.
COLONEL BLASTOFF and FLIGHT SERGEANT FRUDASKAYA
Spahseebah! Spahseebah, Janie!
COLONEL BLASTOFF
For the first time in years, I have found peace. I am full at last!
FLIGHT SERGEANT FRUDASKAYA
Oh, Arkady Andreyevitch! What happiness it gives me to see your face bright red with joy!
(They find a comfortable place to sit together in their joyous fullness.)
End of Scene 7.
Janie’s Bedroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 8:
(TRIVIA SPEW and VIDPAK TEKBOY enter. TECHBOY has a camera..)
TRIVIA SPEW
Hello everyone. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you who I am.
(Everyone looks puzzled.)
VIDPAK TEKBOY
She’s Trivia Spew, famous broadcast journalist.
BYRNE RUBBER
The one who works for BMM, the American news network?
TRIVIA SPEW
That’s right!
GROMMET
How come you’re so short?
HERSCHEL
And old? You don’t look old on TV.
TRIVIA SPEW
Let’s just cut to the chase, okay? This is Vidpak Tekboy, my camera jockey. Where’s Janie Pfffttt?
JANIE Pfffttt
I’m Janie.
TRIVIA SPEW
We just flew in on a leased jet from Los Angeles and we want to go live with a story about that big head over there.
BYRNE RUBBER
You want me to hurl the little media maggots out of here, Janie?
JANIE Pfffttt
No, Mr. Rubber. I’ve been filming all this on my webcam anyway. The mainstream media was bound to catch up with us in the end. Go ahead, Ms. Spew.
TRIVIA SPEW
Good. We’re going live right now. Vidpak, get a shot of the head and those two things floating around it.
VIDPAK TEKBOY
Right, Ms. Spew.
(He aims his camera at UNCLE OTTO.)
VIDPAK TEKBOY
Hey, the camera’s not picking anything up at all. What’s going on?
TRIVIA SPEW
Is that head some sort of illusion, Ms. Pffft?
UNCLE OTTO
(loudly, with revulsion)
STUPID MEDIA!
TRIVIA SPEW
Put the camera on me, Vidpak…This is Trivia Spew in the bedroom of Janie Pfffttt, the girl whose webcam pictures of a large talking head is causing an uproar all over the world. Ms. Pfffttt…would you care to comment on the so-called “giant head” that has appeared in your room?
JANIE Pfffttt
No.
TRIVIA SPEW
Perhaps one of you others would like to say a word or two about why you’re here
(no response)
….anyone?
(still no response)
How about you two hippie-like ladies?
FOGGY DAWN
Peace.
INFINITY FROLIC
Peace and love.
VIDPAK TEKBOY
Ms. Spew, something’s gone wrong with the camera…your face looks like a big pink frog.
TRIVIA SPEW
(her face distorting weirdly, and her voice sounding odd)
Keep filming, Vidpak…
(to TV audience)
From where I’m standing, I can see a large head, with two feminine forms floating beside it…but our camera can’t seem to pick it up….
(to VIDPAK)
Vidpak, pan the people in the room…
VIDPAK TEKBOY
Yes, Ms. Spew.
(He pans his camera around the room…everyone makes horrible, distorted faces.)
VIDPAK TEKBOY
Ms. Spew, everything’s distorted…I can’t go on filming this….
TRIVIA SPEW
(her face an ugly mask)
Keep filming, dammit!
(The others, except JANIE, OTTO, and the ACOLYTES, start slowly writhing like grotesque monsters, making awful noises.)
VIDPAK TEKBOY
No, can’t keep filming!
(He pulls the camera away from his eye and immediately everyone returns to normal. He puts the camera back to his eye, and everyone becomes monstrous. He does this four times.)
VIDPAK TEKBOY
Ms. Spew, do you see what I see?
TRIVIA SPEW
What?
Vidpak Tekboy:
The camera sees only horrible ugliness…look for yourself!
(He hands the camera to TRIVIA SPEW, who looks through it. Immediately everyone laughs out loud, their whole bodies shaking with mirth, but stopping instantly when she puts the camera down. She does this four times.)
TRIVIA SPEW
It’s impossible. All I see through this thing is a bunch of clowns laughing like hyenas.
(She gives him back the camera)
TRIVIA SPEW
We can’t broadcast live from here. For some reason the camera wants to make it look like a madhouse.
VIDPAK TEKBOY
What do you want to do, Ms. Spew?
TRIVIA SPEW
Wait, if that’s all right with you, Ms. Pfffttt?
JANIE Pfffttt
Wait all you want.
(TRIVIA and VIDPAK find a place to sit and wait.)
End of Scene 8.
Janie’s Bedroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 9:
(GENERAL MAYHEM and MAJOR DISTURBANCE enter…everyone reacts to their uniforms.)
MAJOR DISTURBANCE
Everyone stay calm. The United States Marines are here.
GENERAL MAYHEM
I’m General Mayhem, and this is my aide-de-camp Major Disturbance.
MAJOR DISTURBANCE
This bedroom is surrounded by U.S. Special Forces.
GENERAL MAYHEM
The Pentagon has determined that the head over there is a threat to American security. We’ve gone Code Red.
MAJOR DISTURBANCE
That’s right…Code Red. And you know what that means.
EMMA TREMBLIN
What does it mean, Garfield?
GARFIELD BALTIMORE
If I’m not mistaken, It has something to do with duct tape and clear plastic wrap.
GENERAL MAYHEM
(with vehemence)
WRONG! It means the PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES is really TICKED OFF!
(outlining his rationale)
First, you Canadians refused to join us in our revolution against the British back in 1776.
MAJOR DISTURBANCE
Then you refused to support us in the war against Iraq back in 2003!
GENERAL MAYHEM
And now, you’ve allowed some sort of GIANT TALKING HEAD to cause PANIC throughout the FREE WORLD!
MAJOR DISTURBANCE
So it’s time for payback.
GENERAL MAYHEM
There’s going to be a regime change in this bedroom.
MAJOR DISTURBANCE
The head’s got to go.
GENRAL MAYHEM
Major Disturbance, record this. And no video. This is a covert operation.
MAJOR DISTURBANCE
Yessir, General Mayhem.
(He produces a smart phone and holds it up to GENERAL MAYHEM’s lips.)
GENERAL MAYHEM
We have entered Ground Zero. There is evidence of anti-American activity everywhere: two pot-smoking hippies, a guy in a wheelchair who is obviously a deserter from the U.S. army, a couple of Russian spies, and what looks like a pair of high school teachers who have “terrorist” written all over their guilt-stricken Canadian faces. And the media…the scum-sucking, left-wing liberal media who’ll do anything for a story even if it means embarrassing Uncle Sam.
MAJOR DISTURBANCE
(prompting the general)
What about the head, General Mayhem?
GENERAL MAYHEM
And there’s a giant head. Clearly, it’s some sort of Weapon of Mass Destruction.
(finished with his message)
Send that recording by secret code to the Pentagon, Major.
MAJOR DISTURBANCE
Yessir, General. Why do suppose the head has those two apparitions clinging to it?
GENERAL MAYHEM
Camouflage. When a man sees a pair of petunias like those two, his thoughts go straight to his…his…
MAJOR DISTURBANCE
His what, General?
GENERAL MAYHEM
His…his whaddayacallit…his little black date book. And while he’s trying to get their phone numbers, the Head strikes.
MAJOR DISTURBANCE
Diabolical.
GENERAL MAYHEM
And worst of all, there’s two little kids over there.
MAJOR DISTURBANCE
I guess you’re pretty upset that these anti-American scum are corrupting the young and innocent minds of those two poor children.
GENERAL MAYHEM
No. I just find the little brats particularly ugly.
GROMMET
We’re not ugly.
HERSCHEL
You’re ugly.
(GENERAL MAYHEM strides over to HERSCHEL and hoists him up in the air.)
GENERAL MAYHEM
Why, I oughta knock your teeth down your throat, you little Canadian chipmunk!
End of Scene 9.
Janie’s Bedroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 10:
(Ms. PUTTA SPINONIT enters with SERGEANT SIRRUP and CONSTABLE CANOLA, interrupting GENERAL MAYHEM’S heinous behaviour.)
SERGEANT SIRRUP
(pointing to JANIE)
That’s Janie over there, Ms. Spinonit.
CONSTABLE CANOLA
But there’s all kinds of other folks who weren’t here before.
SERGEANT SIRRUP
(pointing out the GENERAL and the MAJOR)
Those two over there must be the Special Ops guys from the states.
PUTTA SPINONIT
All right, what’s going on here?
MAJOR DISTURBANCE
Who are you?
PUTTA SPINONIT
I’m Putta Spinonit, from the Prime Minister’s Office. I demand to know what the heck you Americans are doing on Canadian turf!
GENERAL MAYHEM
(throwing HERSCHEL aside)
I demand to know why the Canadian government hasn’t stamped out this nest of anti-American subversion!
PUTTA SPINONIT
This is a democracy! In Canada, fifteen year old girls are allowed to have giant heads in their bedrooms!
MAJOR DISTURBANCE
That’s crazy! You Canadians are nuts! You even call your dollars “loonies”! What the heck kind of name is that for money?
PUTTA SPINONIT
We’re nuts? What about your flag, with all those stars and stripes. It looks like a candy-bar wrapper!
GENERAL MAYHEM
(his face red with rage)
Are you calling the United States of AMERICA a between-meals SNACK?
MAJOR DISTURBANCE
General Mayhem, I recommend a pre-emptive strike.
PUTTA SPINONIT
That is so typically American! If you don’t understand it, DROP A BOMB ON IT!
GENERAL MAYHEM
We’ll do more than drop a BOMB….we’ll….we’ll…
PUTTA SPINONIT
You’ll what? You’ll what? What’s the matter…cat got your tongue? Can’t think of any alternative to violence?
GENERAL MAYHEM
Come on, Major Disturbance…we don’t have to stand here and take this abuse from a…from a CHEESE HEAD.
PUTTA SPINONIT
What did you call me? WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?
MAJOR DISTURBANCE
Canadian cheddar, honey…full of fat and stinking like rotten milk.
PUTTA SPINONIT
Why, you….
(She launches herself at GENERAL MAYHEM and grabs him by the throat. MAJOR DISTURBANCE tries to pull her off the GENERAL, but her grasp is strong. BYRNE RUBBER wheels over and hurls MAJOR DISTURBANCE across the room. The police pull at PUTTA SPINONIT.)
SERGEANT SIRRUP
You’re killing the poor sap, Ms. Spinonit!
CONSTABLE CANOLA
They’ll nuke us for sure if we deep six one of their generals!
(GENERAL MAYHEM breaks free from PUTTA SPINONIT.)
GENERAL MAYHEM
Tactical retreat, Major Disturbance!
MAJOR DISTURBANCE
Yessir, General!
(He and MAJOR DISTURBANCE begin to back out of the room.)
GENRAL MAYHEM
We’ll be back!
(They turn and hustle out. The CANADIANS cheer.)
BYRNE RUBBER
My heart!
(He clutches at his chest, gasping for air.)
GROMMET
C’mon Herschel! We got to save Mr. Rubber!
HERSCHEL
You bet, Grommet!
(The two plucky lads run over to BYRNE, yank him out of his chair, and administer CPR., then help him back into his wheelchair.)
COLONEL BLASTOFF
(watching BYRNE and returning to his state of despair)
Always there is suffering! Always there is despair!
(He throws himself on the floor, sobbing convulsively. Sergeant Frudaskya tries to comfort him.)
FLIGHT SERGEANT FRUDASKAYA
There, there, Arkady…it’s all right…the American soldiers are gone now, and we can breathe again!
EMMA TREMBLIN
Please, Garfield…hold me…I’m weak with fear and confusion!
GARFIELD BALTIMORE
Emma! Try to be brave!
(He holds her in his capable arms. She stares into his eyes and sighs.)
EMMA TREMBLIN
Oh, Garfield!
(He helps her sit…she leans against him, and is pale and trembling.)
TRIVIA SPEW
Vidpak, this is priceless! Damn that camera for not working when we need it!
VIDPAK TEKBOY
Ms. Spew, can’t you see how much these people are suffering?
TRIVIA SPEW
A story is a story, Vidpak, and turns hot soft pain into cold hard cash.
SERGEANT SIRRUP
What should we do, Ms. Spinonit?
CONSTABLE CANOLA
Should we call for backup?
PUTTA SPINONIT
Backup? BACKUP? We’re Canadians, for the love of heaven! We don’t HAVE backup! The whole darned American army is out there, and our entire armed forces consists of nothing but a couple of old helicopters, a rowboat, three Toyota Corollas, and a fire extinguisher!
FOGGY DAWN
I’ve got a crescent wrench!
(She holds it up.)
INFINITY FROLIC
I’ve got a hammer!
(She holds it up.)
JANIE Pfffttt
Uncle Otto, what are we going to do?
UNCLE OTTO
(loudly, with intense insistence)
BREATHE!
(exhaling in a great gust)
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
STARDUST
(singing)
You are all pilgrims
And all strangers
Traveling through
This wearisome land…
GALAXIA and STARDUST
(singing and indicating some world beyond)
You’ve got a home in
That yonder city, oh yes,
And it’s not…
Not made by hand.
End of Scene 10.
Janie’s Bedroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 11:
(Ms. NOKYA INTALINE enters with GENERAL MAYHEM and MAJOR DISTURBANCE.There is a tense standoff, with the CANADIANS drawing back in fear and suspicion, and the GENERAL and MAJOR looking around warily.)
NOKYA INTALINE
I’m Nokya Intaline, Undersecretary to the Secretary of State of the United States of America. I have come here direct from a meeting with the President.
MAJOR DISTURBANCE
Straight from the President, you hosers!
GENERAL MAYHEM
Oh, you maple-syrup sucking, beaver-loving, toque wearing slaves of the snow are gonna pay now….
GROMMET
(loudly)
I’m proud of our snow and our toques!
(The CANADIANS cheer.)
HERSCHEL
(even more loudly)
I’m proud of our beavers!
(The CANADIANS cheer louder.)
SERGEANT SIRRUP
(loudest of all)
And I’m proud of our maple syrup!
(The CANADIANS erupt in a frenzy of patriotic feeling.)
NOKYA INTALINE
Frankly, I don’t give a fat rat’s patootie about your ridiculous Canadian cultural icons. We Americans have Jerry Springer…
(The GENERAL and MAJOR cheer.)
NOKYA INTALINE
…lethal injections
(The GENRERAL and MAJOR cheer more loudly.)
NOKYA INTALINE
and Disneyland!
(The GENERAL and MAJOR cheer wildly.)
NOKYA INTALIN
Try to top that!
(The CANADIANS become immediately despondent. They know they can’t top that.)
NOKYA INTALINE
Now, here’s the deal: either you turn that head over to our armed forces, or we’ll close down all the Walmart stores in Canada!
(There is a huge gasp from the CANADIANS.)
PUTTA SPINONIT
You wouldn’t!
GENERAL MAYHEM
Just try us, little lady.
EMMA TREMBLIN
But we’d lose all those price rollbacks…
GROMMET
And those nifty ads that show Walmart workers and their kids wearing everyday Walmart fashions!
ALL the CANADIANS
(loudly, with resentment)
IT’S NOT FAIR!
NOKYA INTALINE
Who cares. Now give us the head.
End of Scene 11.
Janie’s Bedroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 12:
(REVEREND BOMBAST and his disciples enter with guns. They have gained entrance by taking JANIE’s parents hostage.)
REVEREND BOMBAST
(loudly, with authority)
NOBODY MOVE!
NOKYA INTALINE
How’d you get in here?
SISTER SILLIPUTTI
We took Janie’s parents hostage and forced our way through the ring of sleeping American soldiers.
SISTER BLINDFOLLOW
(brandishing her gun above MIMI Pfffttt’s head )
Don’t try anything, or the real estate agent gets it.
MIMI Pfffttt
Ohmigod! I don’t want to die! I just want to sell townhouses!
TOM Pfffttt
Shut up, Mimi…don’t rile them up…they’re as cranky as Canucks fans after a losing game in the playoffs!
REVEREND BOMBAST
(loudly, with total loss of self-control)
SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! THE HEAD IS THE DEVIL! THE HEAD IS THE DEVIL!
(He and the SISTERS throw aside the hostages and let loose a volley of shots at OTTO and the ACOLYTES. Then all is a brief moment of shocked silence.)
UNCLE OTTO
(suddenly, loudly, with grief)
AAAAARGGHHHHHHHH! AIEEEEEEEEEEEE! BULLETS IN MY EYEBALLS!
STARDUST
(gasping)
I die! I die!
GALAXIA
(gasping)
Life! Oh, Life, you’re leaking out of me!
(UNCLE OTTO and the ACOLYTES slump, apparently dead.There is shocked silence.)
FLIGHT SERGEANT FRUDASKAYA
What have you done?
COLONEL BLASTOFF
(with dignified solemnity)
You have silenced the voice of all voices!
(There is a massive shuddering…everyone shakes back and forth…then it is eerily calm. TRIVIA SPEW gets a message on her mobile phone.)
TRIVIA SPEW
Yes? Yes? No, it can’t be true…Yes? Your voice is fading…are you sure? I can’t hear you. I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
(She puts the phone away and speaking carefully.)
TRIVIA SPEW
Massive earthquakes have struck all over the world. Everything is in chaos. And this bedroom…it’s rising into the air…yes, into the air…
(The ACOLYTES and UNCLE OTTO revive…the REVEREND and the SISTERS set aside their weapons…everyone forms a mournful tableaux around the head.)
STARDUST
(singing softly)
Twinkle, twinkle,
Little star….
GALAXIA
(singing)
How we wonder
What you are.
STARDUST
(singing)
Up above
The world so high…
GALACTIA
(singing)
Like a diamond
In the sky…
STARDUST and GALACTIA
(singing together)
Twinkle, twinkle,
Little star;
How we wonder
What you are.
UNCLE OTTO
(emphatically, boomingly, with calm deliberation)
ALL LIFE ON EARTH IS ENDING. YOU ARE NOW MY CHILDREN. I AM TAKING YOU TO A PARALLEL UNIVERSE WHERE YOU WILL FORM A CORE GROUP OF SENTIENT BEINGS WHOSE ONLY PURPOSE IS TO HELP JANIE PFFFTTT BECOME A UNIVERSE-CLASS PLAYWRIGHT WHO WILL GENERATE STORIES OF GREAT IMAGINATIVE POWER.
(There are flashing lights, and the stage empties, except for JANIE, who pulls a blanket over herself and appears to be sleeping, as at the beginning of the play.)
End of Scene 12.
Janie’s Bedroom by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Epilogue:
(JANIE awakens, sits up, and pulls out a pen and paper, and starts writing.)
JANIE Pfffttt
Scene one…Janie awakens in her bedroom, which is suddenly much larger, and sees Uncle Otto sitting in the big chair….
(The FULL CAST enters and everyone sings the “Uncle Otto Is Here” song from the beginning of the play. At the end of the song, UNCLE OTTO has the last word.)
UNCLE OTTO
(loudly, with joy)
BIG GOOFY GRIN!
END OF PLAY.