Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2006
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 55 minutes
• style: comedic realism
• suitable for general audiences
• 28 characters (19 female, 9 male)
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Moving On” is a comedy about an elderly woman and two ghosts who witness a chaotic mix of events, relationships, and emotions as the woman’s family and friends help her move out of her old home.
(This play was first performed on May 12, 15, 16, & 17, 2006, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
∗ Published Online by Good School Plays, March 26, 2016.
Go to:
Act One, Scene 1
Act One, Scene 2
Act One, Scene 3
Act One, Scene 4
Act One, Scene 5
Act One, Scene 6
Act One, Scene 7
Act One, Scene 8
Act One, Scene 9
Act One, Scene 10
Act Two, Scene 1
Act Two, Scene 2
Act Two, Scene 3
Act Two, Scene 4
Act Two, Scene 5
Act Two, Scene 6
Act Two, Scene 7
Act Two, Scene 8
Act Two, Scene 9
Act Two, Scene 10
Act Two, Scene 11
CHARACTERS:
Granny Elise Rennenkampf, 88
Annie Rennenkampf, 28
Max Rennenkampf, 58, Annie’s father
Theresa Rennenkampf, 53, Annie’s mother
Magda Wasserman, 30, Annie’s sister
Jubal Wasserman, 32, her husband
Dink Winston, 30, Annie’s friend
Yosef Baff, 29, Annie’s friend
Timmy Vonix, 27, Annie’s friend
December O’Toole, 28, Annie’s friend
Constable Bill “Snortin” Norton, 38
Constable Lucy Quaffa, 35
Snap Bronto, 41, “Hefty’s Moving and Storage” worker
Puppy Delbrook, 39, “Hefty’s Moving and Storage” worker
Willard Henchuk, 40, a neighbour
Nonny Henchuk, 38, his wife
Tiffy Henchuk, 15, their daughter
Monica Stucky, 15, Tiffy’s best friend
Tom Tommy, 41, house inspector
Vicky Gretsch, 37, realtor
Gabby Shade, a ghost
Belle Shade, a ghost
Virginia Reel, 44, independent filmmaker
Velvet Knight, 21, actor
Nola Curtola, 22, actor
Claudette Rample, 20, actor
Tanya Landers, 22, actor
Ginger LaGuardia, 24, actor
Moving On by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 1:
(ELISE RENNENKAMPF is seated in her chair onstage, pondering the mysteries of time and change. In the background stand GABBY SHADE and BELLE SHADE, the unseen ghosts of the house. Whenever the ghosts speak, everyone else freezes onstage, except ELISE.)
GABBY SHADE
Look at her sitting there, waiting for the rest of them to throw her out of this old house.
BELLE SHADE
Poor old Elise. I wish they’d let her die here, so she could join us.
GABBY SHADE
Then she’d be able to see us and talk to us.
BELLE SHADE
Of course, at first she’d be angry because we’ve been spying on her all these years.
GABBY SHADE
We’ve seen it all…her marriage, her pregnancy, her widowhood.
BELLE SHADE
For ghosts like us, her life’s a movie we can watch but can’t touch.
GABBY SHADE
I like to think we’ve touched her spirit somehow.
BELLE SHADE
She’s certainly touched mine.
(BELLE and GABBY sit quietly and watch. ELISE RENNENKAMPF’s granddaughter ANNIE enters.)
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
Good morning, Granny.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Is it?
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
Pardon?
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Is it a good morning?
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
As good as any other, I guess.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
They’re kicking me out of my house, Annie…my lovely old home.
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
Yesterday you called it a horrible old fire trap.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
They’re kicking me out.
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
It’s a little late to be changing your mind, Granny.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
About what?
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
About moving out.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Fifty-eight years, Annie. Fifty-eight years of using the same old bathroom every day.
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
I know you love your old soaker tub, but a change might do you good.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
This is all your father’s fault.
(ANNIE and ELISE freeze.)
GABBY SHADE
That Annie’s a nice girl, a granddaughter to be proud of.
BELLE SHADE
Too bad about her dad. That man’s an emotional time bomb.
GABBY SHADE
And that wife of his! Hard as rock and sharp as a tack.
(GABBY and BELLE resume their watching.)
(MAX and THERSA RENNENKAMPT enter.)
MAX RENNENKAMPF
Good morning, Mom! Ready for the big day?
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
(to MAX)
It’s all your fault.
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
(to Max)
I told you she was going to be difficult.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
You think I can’t hear you, Theresa?
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
(to ELISE RENNENKAMPF)
Annie’s moving in. You’re moving out. That’s what you wanted; that’s what you’re getting.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Annie can’t look after this big old shack by herself.
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
Sure I can, Granny.
MAX RENNENKAMPF
Look, Mom, you’ve got a shiny new apartment waiting for you. It’ll make everything easier.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
For who, Max, for who?
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
(to Max)
There’s no point discussing it with her. Let’s get to work on the knick-knacks in the hall closet.
MAX RENNENKAMPF
(to ELISE)
The movers are going to be here soon, Mom. We’ve got to pack your brick-a-brack.
(MAX and THERESA exit.)
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
They’re going to put your stuff in storage, Granny. It’ll be safe there.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Why do my things have to go into storage?
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
So we can sell the house, remember?
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
But you’re going to live here, aren’t you?
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
Only until it’s sold.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
There’s no need to sell my house.
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
We need the money to pay for your new apartment in the senior’s building, Granny.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
This is all your father’s fault.
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
You’ll feel better tonight, once you’re settled in your new place.
(ANNIE and ELISE freeze.)
BELLE SHADE
It’s too bad they’re going to sell the place.
GABBY SHADE
I would have liked to watch Annie live out her life here, just like we watched Elise.
BELLE SHADE
The past should flow into the future like a river.
Moving On by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 2:
(TOM TOMMY and VICKY GRETSCH enter.)
VICKY GRETSCH
Mrs. Rennenkampf?
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Who’s asking?
VICKY GRETSCH
(offering her hand to ELISE)
I’m Vicky Gretsch, from Shady Hollow Realty.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
(refusing to take her hand)
Is that a fact?
VICKY GRETSCH
(to ANNIE)
And you’re?
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
(offering her hand to VICKY)
Annie Rennenkampf, Mrs. Rennenkampf’s granddaughter.
VICKY GRETSCH
Oh, right. You’re moving in and your grandmother’s moving out.
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
All in one crazy day.
VICKY GRETSCH
(indicating TOM TOMMY)
What fun. This is Tom Tommy. He’s a home inspector.
TOM TOMMY
(offering his hand to ANNIE)
This is quite the character house, Annie girl.
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
Shouldn’t you be talking to my granny? She’s the owner.
TOM TOMMY
(to ELISE)
This is an old one, Mrs. Rennenkampf.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
So am I, young fellow.
VICKY GRETSCH
Sorry to barge in on such a busy day, but this is Mr. Tommy’s only opportunity.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Opportunity for what?
VICKY GRETSCH
To inspect the house.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
It doesn’t need inspecting.
TOM TOMMY
Vicky wants me to take a look so she can come up with a good sales pitch.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
A good what?
VICKY GRETSCH
We need to know the strengths and weaknesses of your property, Mrs. Rennenkampf.
TOM TOMMY
It looks like a good one, though.
VICKY GRETSCH
The market’s a bit slow right now, so we need all the ammunition we can get.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Ammunition?
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
A figure of speech, Granny.
TOM TOMMY
Time’s a-wasting, Vicky.
(TOM, VICKY, ANNIE, and ELISE freeze.)
GABBY SHADE
I don’t like those two.
BELLE SHADE
A couple of busybodies, poking around our house.
GABBY SHADE
Finding fault in all its charming quirks and oddities.
BELLE SHADE
To them, it’s just a piece of property. To us, it’s a home.
VICKY GRETSCH
(to ELISE and ANNIE)
We’ll try to keep out of your way.
(to TOM)
Where’d you like to start, Tom?
TOM TOMMY
Basement first. We’ll work our way up.
VICKY GRETSCH
It’s cluttered down there.
TOM TOMMY
I’m used to it. Old house, old owner…bound to be lots of clutter.
(TOM and VICKY exit.)
Moving On by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 3:
(MAX and THERESA RENNENKAMPF enter.)
MAX RENNENKAMPF
Any sign of the movers, Annie?
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
Not yet, Dad.
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
They better not be late.
MAX RENNENKAMPF
We’ll be packing china in the dining room.
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
(swatting)
Cobwebs everywhere. This place is like a mausoleum.
(MAX and THERESA exit. MAGDA and JUBAL WASSERMAN enter.)
MAGDA WASSERMAN
Hi, Granny. Where’s Mom and Dad, Annie?
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
Packing china in the dining room.
JUBAL WASSERMAN
They’re not done packing the china yet?
MAGDA WASSERMAN
God, we’re never going to get this place cleared out by tonight.
JUBAL WASSERMAN
There’s way too much to do in one day.
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
That’s just the way it worked out, Jubal.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
Whenever this family tries to do anything, it turns into chaos.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
How about a hug, Magda?
MAGDA WASSERMAN
(giving ELISE a hug)
How’s my favourite granny today?
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Awful. Just awful. They’re booting me out of my mansion, Magda.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
It’s for the best, Granny. This old house is too much for you now.
JUBAL WASSERMAN
I wouldn’t mind a shiny new apartment like yours, Elise.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
You can have it.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
(to ANNIE)
You got lots of help to move your stuff in, Annie?
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
Dink and Yosef are over at my suite packing stuff. Timmy and December should be there by now too.
JUBAL WASSERMAN
You trust those guys with your stuff?
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
Why not?
MAGDA WASSERMAN
Are they drinking?
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
I made them promise not to.
(TOM TOMMY and VICKY GRETSCH enter.)
VICKY GRETSCH
Your basement checks out, Mrs. Rennenkampf, except for a crack or two.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
A crack or two?
TOM TOMMY
I’d recommend drain tile to reduce the leakage.
VICKY GRETSCH
We’re going to take a walk around the perimeter outside. Mr. Tommy thinks there might be slope issues.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
There’s no cracks in that basement.
TOM TOMMY
Relax, Mrs. Rennenkampf, it’s nothing money can’t fix.
(TOM and VICKY exit.)
MAGDA WASSERMAN
You sure you can manage this place on your own, Annie?
JUBAL WASSERMAN
It’s a firetrap, Annie. I mean, if a candle tips over or something, you’re in trouble.
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
So I won’t use candles, Jubal. I’m going to help Mom and Dad with the china.
(ANNIE exits.)
MAGDA WASSERMAN
Stop trying to scare Annie, Jubal. She’s not stupid, for god’s sake.
JUBAL WASSERMAN
We should be moving in, not Annie.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
Annie’s unemployed. She needs a cheap place to stay, and now she’s got one.
JUBAL WASSERMAN
Annie gets fired from the telephone company and gets this house, but we’ve got to go on living in a trailer.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
Hmmm. Haven’t I heard you say that before, Jubal? Like a hundred times?
JUBAL WASSERMAN
Your granny shouldn’t have to sit there like a sack of potatoes while all this moving’s going on.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
She wants to be here. It’s her choice.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Potatoes? You’re the one that looks like a potato, Jubal.
JUBAL WASSERMAN
Them’s fightin’ words, Elise.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
(putting up her fists as if to fight)
Put up your dukes, Jubal Wasserman. I’m going to pound your potato head.
(JUBAL puts up his fists as if he’s going to fight ELISE and bobs about like a boxer.)
JUBAL WASSERMAN
C’mon, then, Elise, I’ll let you take the first shot.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
(to MAGDA)
Get that joker out of here.
(ELISE, MAGDA, and JUBAL freeze.)
GABBY SHADE
Look at Elise. She’s having the time of her life!
BELLE SHADE
She likes Jubal Wasserman.
GABBY SHADE
He reminds her of her husband from long ago.
BELLE SHADE
Maybe Jubal reminds Magda of her grandpa.
GABBY SHADE
The past flows into the future like a river.
Moving On by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 4:
(SNAP BRONTO and PUPPY DELBROOK enter.)
SNAP BRONTO
Hey. We’re from Hefty’s.
PUPPY DELBROOK
This the right place?
JUBAL WASSERMAN
You the movers?
SNAP BRONTO
That’s right. Lift and load, baby, lift and load.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
It’s going to be a bit confusing, fellas.
PUPPY DELBROOK
How so?
MAGDA WASSERMAN
My sister’s moving in, and my granny’s moving out, at the same time.
SNAP BRONTO
Messy. Kind of a puzzle over what stays and what goes, eh, Puppy?
PUPPY DELBROOK
Kind of a puzzle by the looks of things.
SNAP BRONTO
I’m Snap Bronto. This is Puppy Delbrook.
SNAP and PUPPY:
(together)
Lift and load, baby, lift and load.
PUPPY DELBROOK
(pointing at Granny Rennenkampf)
That the granny?
JUBAL WASSERMAN
That’s her…Elise Rennenkampf.
SNAP BRONTO
(to ELISE)
Hey, Mrs. Rennenkampf.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Hey yourself, big fella. What do you want?
SNAP BRONTO
We’re gonna haul your stuff out of here.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
You going to pick me up along with it?
PUPPY DELBROOK
We can move anything, ma’am.
(MAX and THERESA RENNENKAMPF enter.)
MAX RENNENKAMPF
(to PUPPY and SNAP)
You the movers?
PUPPY and SNAP:
(together)
Lift and load, baby, lift and load.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Why do they keep saying that?
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
(to PUPPY and SNAP)
You’re being paid by the hour, so you better get “lifting and loading” right now.
SNAP BRONTO
Where do you want us to start?
MAX RENNENKAMPF
There’s boxes and bed frames in the bedrooms. You can use the back stairs.
PUPPY DELBROOK
Done. Let’s get on it, Snap.
SNAP BRONTO
Boxes in the bedrooms. Easy peasy.
(SNAP and PUPPY exit.)
MAGDA WASSERMAN
What do you want us to do, Dad?
MAX RENNENKAMPF
Go turf out the garden shed.
JUBAL WASSERMAN
It’s not done yet?
THERESA WASSERMAN
Today’s the one day we can do it, remember? Magda, you be sure that Jubal does his share.
JUBAL WASSERMAN
Hey!
MAGDA WASSERMAN
C’mon, Jubal, the rakes and garden hoses are waiting to feel the caress of your delicate fingers.
(MAGDA and JUBAL exit. MAX, THERESA, and ELISE freeze.)
GABBY SHADE
By tonight, this place will have changed forever.
BELLE SHADE
Elise will be gone, along with the furniture and all the other things that make up a life.
GABBY SHADE
Look at her sitting there, trying to be brave.
BELLE SHADE
I’m taking a long, careful look, because soon she’ll be gone and we’ll never see her again.
(VICKY GRETSCH and TOM TOMMY enter.)
VICKY GRETSCH
Max! Theresa! This is Tom Tommy. He’s doing the inspection right now.
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
Anything bad show up, Vicky?
VICKY GRETSCH
You got a bit of a drainage problem.
TOM TOMMY
There’s some dry rot in the siding at ground level.
MAX RENNENKAMPF
Damn. Can we hide it somehow?
TOM TOMMY
You wouldn’t want to do that, sir.
VICKY GRETSCH
It’s best to disclose everything, Max.
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
It’s just a bit of rot, Max. The house is a hundred years old, for god’s sake.
VICKY GRETSCH
That’s the spirit, Theresa. Tom and I are going to take a look at the wiring. Excuse us.
(VICKY and TOM exit.)
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
There’s nothing wrong with this house.
Moving On by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 5:
(CONSTABLE NORTON and CONSTABLE QUAFFA enter.)
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
You folks the ones who’ve got a moving truck outside?
MAX RENNENKAMPF
Why yes, officer.
CONSTABLE NORTON
It’s blocking a fire hydrant.
MAX RENNENKAMPF
That’s the only spot that gives us access to the truck.
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
We’re not going to haul my mother-in-law’s possessions halfway down the block.
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
Take it easy. You’re not on trial for murder.
CONSTABLE NORTON
Let’s start with your names.
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
I’m Theresa Rennenkampf and this is my husband Max. That’s Elise Rennenkampf, the owner of the property.
CONSTABLE NORTON
See? That wasn’t so hard, was it. Now, let’s do some “s’pozin’”
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
As in, “s’poze” this old house caught fire.
CONSTABLE NORTON
And “s’poze” the firefighters couldn’t access that hydrant in a timely fashion.
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
Then those “possessions” you’re so worried about would end up as a pile of ashes.
MAX RENNENKAMPF
Are you done “s’pozin”?
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
I’d say we’d made our point.
MAX RENNENKAMPF
Then “s’poze” you just give us a ticket and go back to your donuts and drug-busting.
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
(to MAX)
Um, Honey…
CONSTABLE NORTON
(to CONSTABLE QUAFFA)
He’s a funny one.
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
(to CONSTABLE NORTON)
A real wise guy.
CONSTABLE NORTON
(to CONSTABLE QUAFFA)
A regular comedian.
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
(to Max and Theresa)
We’ll give you ten minutes to get that truck moved.
CONSTABLE NORTON
If it’s not gone by then, we’re placing a call to Tubby’s Towing.
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
They got a ten-wheel tow truck that can haul that van out of here in no time.
CONSTABLE NORTON
And you’ll get the bill, as well as a summons to appear in court.
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
Look, I apologize for Max’s behaviour. He was rude. He often is.
(looking at ELISE)
It’s genetic.
(pulling out some cash)
Now, I was wondering, would you officers care for a donation.
CONSTABLE NORTON
Donation?
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
Sure, for the police benevolent fund?
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
You’ve been watching too much T.V., ma’am. We don’t have a “benevolent fund”.
CONSTABLE NORTON
Let’s see now. You’ve obstructed two officers in the course of their duties.
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
Now you’re trying to bribe us.
CONSTABLE NORTON
You could do real time for that.
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
Get that truck moved in ten, and we’ll let it go.
CONSTABLE NORTON
Leave it there, and we’ll take you downtown.
(The CONSTABLES exit.)
MAX RENNENKAMPF
(to THERESA)
Are you nuts, trying to bribe police officers?
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
I offered to make a donation. Nothing wrong with that. You’re a witness. What can they do?
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
You’d better move that truck.
MAX RENNENKAMPF
Let’s find those movers. What’s their names again?
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
“Snap” and “Puppy”. How infantile!
(THERESA and MAX exit, and ELISE freezes.)
GABBY SHADE
Max was always trouble, even when he was a kid.
BELLE SHADE
Must have had something to do with growing up without a dad.
GABBY SHADE
Elise did her best with the boy, but he never could tell right from wrong.
BELLE SHADE
Just look at the woman he picked to marry.
GABBY SHADE
Hard-hearted and selfish, both of them.
Moving On by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 6:
(VIRGINIA REEL enters with her camera, along with NOLA, VELVET, CLAUDETTE, TANYA, and GINGER.)
VIRGINIA REEL
Well, you must be Mrs. Elise Rennenkampf, the owner of this fantastic location!
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Who are you, the Queen of Sheba?
VIRGINIA REEL
The Queen of Sheba! I wish! No, I’m Virginia Reel. Your son Max must have told you about me?
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
No one tells me anything.
VIRGINIA REEL
Well, I’m an indie film maker, and we’re here to do the shoot.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Shoot? Shoot what?
VIRGINIA REEL
A film, Mrs. Rennenkampf.
(indicating the others)
These are my actors!
(SNAP BRONTO and PUPPY DELBROOK enter.)
SNAP BRONTO
‘Scuse us, ladies.
PUPPY DELBROOK
We got to move our truck ‘cause the cops say so.
SNAP BRONTO
You don’t fool around with the cops.
PUPPY DELBROOK
No sir, you don’t fool around with the cops.
(PUPPY and SNAP exit.)
VIRGINIA REEL
How about that! Cinema verité! I should have caught it on camera!
GINGER LaGUARDIA
Ms. Reel, can we get started? I got an audition this afternoon.
TANYA LANDERS
Me too, for a paying role!
VIRGINIA REEL
Hey, let’s have none of that, ladies. You’ll get ten percent of the profits when my film becomes a box office smash, which is pretty much guaranteed.
VELVET KNIGHT
Ten percent each?
VIRGINIA REEL
To split between you. Ten percent of ten million is a million, eh? Think of it, two hundred thousand each, just for spending a couple of hours prancing around this dusty old house.
CLAUDETTE RAMPLE
Two hundred thousand dollars! That’s a big wad of cash, eh, Nola?
NOLA CURTOLA
It’s two hundred thousand more than I’ve got right now.
VIRGINIA REEL
All right, ladies, places, please.
(The ACTORS fan out and VIRGINIA gets her camera ready.)
VIRGINIA REEL
Now, do the scene in which the vampire woman sings to the ghosts of her victims. And one and two and go!
VELVET KNIGHT
(as the VAMPIRE WOMAN)
The night is dark with blood and fear;
You look at me with hate, my dears.
I sucked your blood to set you free,
Don’t you see? Don’t you see?
Don’t you seeeeeeeee!
NOLA, CLAUDETTE, TANYA, and GINGER
(as the GHOSTS of the VAMPIRE WOMAN’s victims)
Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
In death we’re in your vampire spell!
Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
Until we send you back to hell!
(The GHOSTS rush about, circling the VAMPIRE WOMAN.)
VELVET KNIGHT
(as the VAMPIRE WOMAN)
Haunt me not with your awful moans!
Go on back to your earthy homes!
I sucked your blood to set you free,
Don’t you see? Don’t you see?
Don’t you seeeeeeeeeee!
(The GHOSTS rush to the VAMPIRE WOMAN and pick her up and spin her around.)
NOLA, CLAUDETTE, TANYA, and GINGER
(as the GHOSTS)
Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
We must get free from your vampire spell!
Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
We’ll send you back to your vampire hell!
(The GHOSTS proceed to the VAMPIRE WOMAN offstage.)
VIRGINIA REEL
And cut!
(The GHOSTS put the VAMPIRE WOMAN down.)
VIRGINIA REEL
You call that acting?
NOLA CURTOLA
I tried my hardest, Ms. Reel, but I just couldn’t get inside it.
VIRGINIA REEL
It was pathetic! The Vampire Woman is the cause of all your terrible suffering, and you prance around her like a bunch of chorus girls in a high school musical!
VELVET KNIGHT
They weren’t giving me anything to work with, Ms. Reel.
GINGER LaGUARDIA
(to VELVET)
That’s because you don’t look at us, Velvet! How can we establish a relationship with your character if you won’t look at us!
TANYA LANDERS
(to VIRGINIA REEL)
Singing to Velvet is like dropping money in a toilet bowl. It just gets flushed away and you get nothing back for it.
VELVET KNIGHT
I’m a vampire! I don’t have a soul! That’s why your characters are suffering, you dodos. You can’t establish a relationship with someone who doesn’t have a soul!
VIRGINIA REEL
Well said, Velvet. You ghosts are supposed to be in despair because Velvet’s character can’t love you!
CLAUDETTE RAMPLE
But she calls us her “dears”. Doesn’t that mean she feels something for us?
VIRGINIA REEL
Yeah, like a cat feels something for a mouse, playing with it before the kill. Let’s try it again. Positions please, and one and two and go!
VELVET KNIGHT
(as the VAMPIRE WOMAN)
The night is dark with blood and fear;
You look at me with hate, my dears.
I sucked your blood to set you free,
Don’t you see? Don’t you see?
Don’t you seeeeeeeee!
NOLA, CLAUDETTE, TANYA, and GINGER
(as the GHOSTS of the VAMPIRE WOMAN’s victims)
Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
In death we’re in your vampire spell!
Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
Until we send you back to hell!
(The GHOSTS rush about, circling the VAMPIRE WOMAN.)
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
(shouting very loudly)
Get the hell out of my house!
(EVERYONE freezes.)
BELLE SHADE
Poor Elise.
GABBY SHADE
She’s just about hit the breaking point.
BELLE SHADE
Those actors dancing around her like she’s not even there.
GABBY SHADE
Elise just wants a bit of quiet to reflect on her life.
BELLE SHADE
And they stick her in the middle of some bad movie.
(ANNIE RENNENKAMPF enters with JUBAL and MAGDA WASSERMAN.)
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
What’s going on here?
VIRGINIA REEL
I’m Virginia Reel. We’ve rented this location for a film shoot today.
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
But this is moving day. You can’t make a movie while we move!
MAGDA WASSERMAN
This must have something to do with Dad and Mom.
VIRGINIA REEL
My actors are on tight schedules. This is the only time we can do the shoot. We’ve paid for the time and the place, and I’m going to get what I paid for, moving day or not.
GINGER LaGUARDIA
I’ve got an audition this afternoon, an important one.
TANYA LANDERS
Me too! It’s now or never!
NOLA CURTOLA
Just think, we might make this creepy old house famous.
CLAUDETTE RAMPLE
Just like the Bates Motel in “Pyscho”, only with vampires.
VELVET KNIGHT
The movie features me as a vampire women of immense power.
(to JUBAL WASSERMAN)
Say, you’ve got an interesting look.
(to VIRGINIA REEL)
Could we try him out as my leading man, Ms. Reel?
VIRGINIA REEL
(sizing JUBAL up)
Now there’s a thought!
JUBAL WASSERMAN
If she wants to shoot her movie in the middle of all this chaos, I say let her do it.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
(to JUBAL)
You are so easily manipulated!
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
It’s all your father’s fault!
MAGDA WASSERMAN
(to JUBAL)
I’m going to find Dad and get this cleared up, and you’re coming with me, Mr. “Leading man!”
(MAGDA and JUBAL exit. SNAP BRONTO and PUPPY DELBROOK enter.)
PUPPY DELBROOK
(to ANNIE)
Can’t get the truck to start.
SNAP BRONTO
We got to call for backup.
PUPPY DELBROOK
Those cops’ll call a tow truck before you can say “chuck the monkey”.
SNAP BRONTO
We got to warn Mr. Rennenkampf!
(SNAP and PUPPY exit. TOM TOMMY and VICKY GRETSCH enter.)
VICKY GRETSCH
(to ELISE)
Mr. Tommy says you’ve got gremlins in your electrical system, Mrs. Rennenkampf.
TOM TOMMY
Nothing’s grounded, and the main cable’s loose.
VICKY GRETSCH
Tom says it’s an accident waiting to happen.
TOM TOMMY
It’s dicey, Mrs. Rennenkampf, real dicey.
VICKY GRETSCH
Now we’ve got to check the plumbing.
(TOM and VICKY exit.)
VIRGINIA REEL
Ladies, ladies, outside for the graveyard scene! Hurry now!
NOLA CURTOLA
My favourite part! I like fresh dirt.
GINGER LaGUARDIA
(to CLAUDETTE)
Did you remember the shovels, Claudette?
CLAUDETTE RAMPLE
One for each of us, Ginger. I’ve never even dug a grave before, and now I’m going to dig my own.
TANYA LANDERS
Graves make me claustrophobic.
VELVET KNIGHT
Don’t be a baby, Tanya. I’m the one that’s got to lie in a moldy coffin, and I’m not complaining.
(VIRGINIA and her ACTORS exit. ANNIE and ELISE freeze.)
GABBY SHADE
Poor Elise, having to listen to all that stuff about graves and coffins.
BELLE SHADE
Just what she needs. More reminders of the inevitable.
GABBY SHADE
Before I died, I used to worry about that stuff, but after I was dead, it didn’t matter anymore.
BELLE SHADE
Once you’re dead, everything becomes a whole lot simpler.
Moving On by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 7:
(DINK WINSTON, YOSEF BAFF, TIMMY VONIX, and DECEMBER O’TOOL enter.)
DINK WINSTON
Annie! We’ve got a U-Haul full of your stuff outside.
TIMMY VONIX
I drove.
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
She ran over a curb and almost hit a woman with a baby.
TIMMY VONIX
Shut up, December.
YOSEF BAFF
Then she ran a red light and got a ticket from a couple of mean-ass cops.
TIMMY VONIX
They should make those trucks easier to handle.
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
Thanks for bringing my stuff, guys.
DINK WINSTON
There’s a bunch of women dancing around on the lawn out there.
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
It’s a film shoot, Dink.
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
No kidding? On moving day?
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
I know, I know. It’s crazy.
YOSEF BAFF
There’s still a bunch of stuff at your apartment, Annie.
TIMMY VONIX
It’s gonna take at least one more trip.
DINK WINSTON
We’re not going to let Timmy drive.
TIMMY VONIX
Hey!
(TIMMY punches DINK in the shoulder.)
DINK WINSTON
Owww!
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
Do you want us to start hauling stuff in?
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Aren’t you going to introduce me to these young folks, Annie?
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
Oh, sorry, Granny. These are my pals Dink Winston, Yosef Baff, Timmy Vonix, and December O’Toole.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Dink? That’s a heck of a name, son.
DINK WINSTON
It’s short for “Dinkum”. My dad’s Australian.
YOSEF BAFF
“Dinkum” means “genuine”, and Dink’s a good guy, Mrs. Rennenkampf.
TIMMY VONIX
It’s real nice of you to let Annie live in your house, Mrs. Rennenkampf.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
It’s her dad’s idea.
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
Annie’ll take real good care of it, though.
DINK WINSTON
(looking around)
It sure is old.
YOSEF BAFF
I like old things.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Then take me out to dinner and a movie tonight, young fellow.
YOSEF BAFF
Huh?
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
Granny’s teasing you, Yosef.
YOSEF BAFF
Oh, I’d take her to dinner if I had any money.
DINK WINSTON
He doesn’t have a dime, Mrs. Rennenkampf.
TIMMY VONIX
Yosef lost his job at the shoe store, so Dink’s letting him sleep on his futon.
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
Yosef loves that futon. He’s turned it into a sort of tent, like a squatter in the bush.
TIMMY VONIX
It even smells like him. Dink says Yosef can’t get comfortable unless he can smell himself.
DINK WINSTON
I never said that.
YOSEF BAFF
It’s true, though.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
(to TIMMY)
I don’t know what you’re talking about, dear.
YOSEF BAFF
Where do you want us to put your stuff, Annie?
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
I guess there’s room for some of it in one of the many bedrooms.
YOSEF BAFF
You don’t sound very enthusiastic.
TIMMY VONIX
She thinks the place is haunted.
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
Timmy! Granny’s right there! Sheesh!
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Don’t mind me.
DINK WINSTON
You do look a bit stressed, Annie.
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
The place is in chaos, Dink. I’m moving in, Granny’s moving out, there’s a film shoot going on and a house inspector traipsing round the place like Sherlock Holmes.
YOSEF BAFF
Poor baby.
(putting a protective arm around ANNIE.)
Let Uncle Yosef comfort you.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Can I get a cuddle too?
TIMMY VONIX
Sure, Mrs. Rennenkampf.
(giving ELISE a hug)
How’s that?
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
You kids are a breath of fresh air in this old shack.
(EVERYONE freezes.)
GABBY SHADE
Elise likes young people.
BELLE SHADE
They’re vibrant with life.
GABBY SHADE
Even an old ghost like me can feel the energy flowing from those kids.
BELLE SHADE
They’re so full of life there’s no room for death.
(MAX and THERESA enter.)
MAX RENNENKAMPF
You guys got Annie’s stuff?
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
Some of it.
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
Start hauling it up to her bedroom by the back stairs. She can sort it out later.
MAX RENNENKAMPF
Sorry to be so pushy, but time’s a-wastin’, and we’ve hardly put a dent in Mom’s crap.
TIMMY VONIX
Which one is your bedroom, Annie?
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
I guess I better pick one. There’s so many.
YOSEF BAFF
All I’ve got is a futon.
(YOSEF, ANNIE, TIMMY, DECEMBER, and DINK exit. MAGDA and JUBAL WASSERMAN enter.)
MAGDA WASSERMAN
Dad, Mom. There you are!
JUBAL WASSERMAN
It’s hard to find anything or anyone in this big old labyrinth.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
Why is there a film shoot right here in Granny’s house on moving day?
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
It’s all about the money, Magda.
MAX RENNENKAMPF
We need all the cash we can get for Mom’s big move, so I let them rent the place for a couple of hours.
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
(to MAGDA)
Did you and Jubal finish turfing out the garden shed?
JUBAL WASSERMAN
Nope, but I might get to be the leading man in that movie they’re making.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
Jubal, did anyone ever tell you that you’re hopelessly infantile? And Dad, if Granny has a nervous breakdown, I’m holding you responsible.
(MAGDA and JUBAL exit.)
(CONSTABLE NORTON and CONSTABLE QUAFFA enter.)
CONSTABLE NORTON
That truck’s still there, buddy.
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
We’ve put in a call to Tubby’s Towing.
(SNAP BRONTO and PUPPY DELBROOK enter.)
PUPPY DELBROOK
There you are, Mr. Rennenkampf.
SNAP BRONTO
This place is huge. We couldn’t find you.
PUPPY DELBROOK
The truck’s broken down.
SNAP BRONTO
It won’t start.
MAX RENNENKAMPF
Thanks, guys. So you see, officers, it’s no one’s fault that the truck’s still there.
CONSTABLE NORTON
So we won’t take you downtown.
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
But we will get that truck towed, and you’ll pay.
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
Wait a minute. These guys…
(indicating PUPPY and SNAP)
…are responsible for that truck. They parked it in front of the hydrant. Make them pay!
SNAP BRONTO
But you gave us instructions to park it there!
PUPPY DELBROOK
We was just following orders.
CONSTABLE NORTON
Well someone’s going to pay, and it sure as hell ain’t me.
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
Come on, Constable Norton, let’s go write up a ticket for these clowns.
(The CONSTABLES exit.)
SNAP BRONTO
(to MAX and THERESA)
Clowns? Was she talking about you or us?
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
(to MAX)
I’d say it’s pretty obvious who’s the clown.
PUPPY DELBROOK
We phoned a guy from the automobile association to come fix the truck.
SNAP BRONTO
We got to wait outside ‘til he gets here, and make sure the tow truck guy from Tubby’s don’t haul our unit.
(SNAP and PUPPY exit.)
MAX RENNENKAMPF
Great. They’re out there doing nothing and time’s a-wastin’, time’s a-wastin’.
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
Maybe we should start loading that truck ourselves.
(EVERYONE freezes.)
BELLE SHADE
Max is always talking about time being wasted.
GABBY SHADE
That’s how you get when you’re middle-aged, remember?
BELLE SHADE
Sure I remember. You get so that you can’t understand why everyone wastes so much time doing silly, useless things when life’s so short.
Moving On by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 8:
(TOM TOMMY and VICKY GRETSCH enter.)
VICKY GRETSCH
Hey, folks, Tom’s got bad news about the plumbing.
TOM TOMMY
For one thing, there’s some lead piping.
MAX RENNENKAMPF
So?
VICKY GRETSCH
So unless you run the water for thirty seconds every morning, you could get lead poisoning.
MAX RENNENKAMPF
I drank the water in this house for twenty years, and I’m fine.
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
Except for your mood swings and violent temper.
TOM TOMMY
You got to get it replaced if you want to sell this place.
MAX RENNENKAMPF
No way.
VICKY GRETSCH
It’ll only run you about five thousand dollars, Max.
MAX RENNENKAMPF
Five thousand bucks to rip out a bunch of old pipes?
TOM TOMMY
Come on, Vicky, I want to check the attic.
VICKY GRETSCH
I understand rats can be quite a problem in these old houses.
TOM TOMMY
Pretty certain to be rodent infestations of one kind or another.
(TOM and VICKY exit. WILLARD and NONNY HENCHUK enter with TIFFY HENCHUK and MONICA STUCKY.)
WILLARD HENCHUK
(to MAX)
All right, Rennenkampf, I’ve had all I can take.
MAX RENNENKAMPF
What’s up, Willard?
NONNY HENCHUK
Don’t try to act all innocent, Max Rennenkampf.
TIFFY HENCHUK
My mom and dad are so mad at you, Mr. Rennenkampf.
MONICA STUCKY
I’m Monica.
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
Monica?
MONICA STUCKY
Monica Stucky. I’m Tiffy’s friend.
(MONICA gives TIFFY a squeeze.)
TIFFY HENCHUK
(squeezing MONICA back)
She’s my friend!
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
(to MONICA)
Are you confused about who you are, child?
TIFFY HENCHUK
She’s fine, Mrs. Rennenkampf. She was just telling you her name.
MAX RENNENKAMPF
Monica. Have you ever been to Santa Monica, Monica?
WILLARD HENCHUK
Don’t change the subject, Max.
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
What exactly is the subject, Willard?
NONNY HENCHUK
That moving truck is blocking our driveway.
WILLARD HENCHUK
Now, I’m a patient man, Max, but enough’s enough.
NONNY HENCHUK
It’s been blocking our minivan for over an hour.
TIFFY HENCHUK
Dad can’t drive me and Monica to the makeover clinic.
MONICA STUCKY
We got an appointment and everything, but now we’re late.
WILLARD HENCHUK
(placing a protective arm around NONNY)
And Nonny’s going to miss her session with that shrink of hers.
NONNY HENCHUK
(to WILLARD)
He’s not a “shrink”, Willard, he’s a brilliant and sensitive psychoanalyst.
(to MAX)
Psychologists don’t come cheap, and Doctor Fulbake charges double if I miss an appointment, Max.
TIFFY HENCHUK
I got to get a makeover for the school dance next week.
MONICA STUCKY
Me too, Mr. Rennenkampf. I mean, if none of the guys want to dance with me, it’ll be your fault.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
(to MONICA)
Just show them a bit of cleavage, kid, and they’ll be all over you like flies, if that’s what you really want.
TIFFY HENCHUK
(not quite sure about ELISE’S meaning)
Thanks for the advice, Mrs. Rennenkampf. I think.
WILLARD HENCHUK
(to TIFFY HENCHUK)
I don’t want you showing any cleavage at that school dance, Tiffy.
TIFFY HENCHUK
Everybody does it, Dad. It’s normal. They’re just glands.
WILLARD HENCHUK
There’s glands and there’s glands, Tiffy. Ah, hell. Nonny, take over for me, will you?
NONNY HENCHUK
What your father’s trying to say, Tiffy, is that girls in the first blush of womanhood make him uncomfortable.
WILLARD HENCHUK
That’s not what I’m trying to say! This isn’t about me! It’s about Tiffy!
MONICA STUCKY
Isn’t it about the Rennenkampfs and their moving van?
NONNY HENCHUK
Are you going to move that van or not, Max?
MAX RENNENKAMPF
The motor won’t start. Snap and Puppy are waiting for the guy from the automobile association.
WILLARD HENCHUK
Snap and Puppy?
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
The two dummies from the moving company.
TIFFY HENCHUK
Snap and Puppy. What cute names!
MONICA STUCKY
Are they attractive dummies, Mrs. Rennenkampf?
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
No.
MONICA STUCKY
Maybe the guy from the automobile association can give us a ride to the beauty salon.
TIFFY HENCHUK
Can he, Dad?
WILLARD HENCHUK
No! I don’t want you sitting in a pickup with some creepy mechanic who can’t keep his greasy hands to himself.
NONNY HENCHUK
Willard, my brother Sam’s a mechanic!
WILLARD HENCHUK
Exactly.
NONNY HENCHUK
What’s that supposed to mean?
WILLARD HENCHUK
Figure it out for yourself.
TIFFY HENCHUK
Dad, don’t be weird. You know Uncle Sam’s a religious man.
MAX RENNENKAMPF
I guess we’re about done here, aren’t we?
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
As soon as the van’s fixed, we’ll get Snap and Puppy to move it so you can ease your minivan out of your driveway, all right?
NONNY HENCHUK
I want compensation for missing my session with Dr. Fulbake.
MAX RENNENKAMPF
How much?
NONNY HENCHUK
Two hundred and fifty dollars.
MAX RENNENKAMPF
Forget it.
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
Why didn’t you just take a taxi?
MAX RENNENKAMPF
Or public transit. You too good for that? Too good to put your butt on a thinly-padded vinyl seat?
NONNY HENCHUK
(shouting)
I shouldn’t have to take a bus just because you blocked our driveway!
(NONNY breaks down and sobs.)
WILLARD HENCHUK
(to MAX and THERESA)
See what you’ve done!
TIFFY HENCHUK
(running to NONNY)
Mommy, Mom!
(TIFFY tries to comfort the sobbing woman.)
MONICA STUCKY
(to MAX and THERESA)
You just abused my best friend’s mom!
WILLARD HENCHUK
That’s it. I’m calling the police.
(The HENCHUKS and MONICA exit, trying to comfort the sobbing mother.)
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Ever since you were a kid you’ve had a talent for cruelty, Max.
MAX RENNENKAMPF
I didn’t abuse anyone.
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
Looks like I’m the only sane person in this house, so I’m going to start loading that stupid van.
(THERESA exits.)
MAX RENNENKAMPF
This is all your fault, Mom.
(MAX exits. ELISE freezes.)
BELLE SHADE
How long have the Henchuk’s been Elise’s neighbours?
GABBY SHADE
About five years, I’d guess.
BELLE SHADE
Their daughter Tiffy used to be such a clever little thing.
GABBY SHADE
Now she’s in high school, she’s stopped thinking completely.
BELLE SHADE
I’ll never understand why some girls work so hard at being silly.
Moving On by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 9:
(YOSEF BAFF and TIMMY VONIX enter.)
YOSEF BAFF
Dink hurt his back, Mrs. Rennenkampf.
TIMMY VONIX
He was trying to heft a box of books, and something sort of snapped.
(DINK WINSTON, bent double, enters with DECEMBER O’TOOLE and ANNIE RENNENKAMPF supporting him.)
DINK WINSTON
It hurts! It really hurts!
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
Take it easy, Dink. Tension doesn’t help.
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
I knew I should have gotten rid of those university textbooks.
TIMMY VONIX
(talking about DINK)
He looks so pale!
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Set the poor boy down before he expires!
DINK WINSTON
Just let me rest for a bit.
(ANNIE and DECEMBER help DINK sit.)
DINK WINSTON
That’s better.
YOSEF BAFF
I told you to lift with your legs, Dink.
DINK WINSTON
I did.
TIMMY VONIX
No, Dink, you bent your back. I saw you do it.
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
It’s all my fault.
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
Maybe we should take him to Emergency.
DINK WINSTON
No! Not the hospital! I won’t go!
YOSEF BAFF
He’s got a phobia about hospitals.
TIMMY VONIX
His mom got an infection and they amputated her leg.
DINK WINSTON
I won’t let them take my limbs!
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
It’s just your back, Dink. They won’t take your limbs.
DINK WINSTON
They’ll operate and I’ll be paralyzed!
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
Such an imagination! Poor Dink!
(DECEMBER sits by DINK and puts her arm around him.)
DINK WINSTON
Owwww! Don’t touch me, December.
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
(taking her arm off DINK)
Sorry!
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Stretch him.
TIMMY VONIX
What?
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Grab his arms and legs and stretch him!
DINK WINSTON
No!
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
Granny’s smart about these things. I say we give it a try!
TIMMY VONIX
Sure! We’ll each grab an arm or a leg, then tug. Very gently, of course.
YOSEF BAFF
What do you say, Dink?
DINK WINSTON
I say you’re crazy!
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Stretch him! It’ll fix him up real good.
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
Come on, you guys!
(They grab DINK, with TIMMY taking his right leg, DECEMBER taking the left leg, YOSEF taking the right arm, and ANNIE taking the left arm.)
DINK WINSTON
It hurts! It hurts!
TIMMY VONIX
Shut up, Dink, and let us do our work!
(They stretch DINK who cries out, then sinks into unconsciousness. They lower him gently, and are upset that he has passed out.)
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
Oh, god, is he still breathing?
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
He’ll come round in a minute.
YOSEF BAFF
Maybe we made it worse.
TIMMY VONIX
It’s his fault for not letting us take him to Emergency.
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
Timmy! Don’t be so selfish! He’s our friend and we hurt him!
(DINK revives and looks around.)
DINK WINSTON
Timmy…I need Timmy.
TIMMY VONIX
(rushing to his side)
I’m here, Dink, right here.
(TIMMY holds DINK’s hand tenderly.)
DINK WINSTON
Timmy, before I…die…I want to tell you something.
TIMMY VONIX
Oh, Dink, please don’t die!
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
There’s nothing wrong with him now. Get up, Dink.
DINK WINSTON
Hey, I don’t have any pain!
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Get up!
DINK WINSTON
I guess I could try.
(With TIMMY’s help, DINK stands, still bent in half, then slowly tries to straighten, until he’s completely upright.)
DINK WINSTON
I’m fixed! Thanks, guys!
YOSEF BAFF
How about that!
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
We stretched the kink out of his backbone!
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
I told you Granny knows about stuff like that!
TIMMY VONIX
Dink, you said you needed to tell me something before you died.
DINK WINSTON
Um, I don’t remember saying that.
TIMMY VONIX
But you just said it a moment ago.
DINK WINSTON
I don’t remember, Timmy.
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
Don’t torment him, Timmy.
TIMMY VONIX
I’m not tormenting him, December!
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
He thought he was dying. A dying man says stuff that he’d never say when he’s full of life.
TIMMY VONIX
Meaning what?
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
I don’t know. It’s Dink’s little secret.
DINK WINSTON
My secret.
TIMMY VONIX
But it’s about me.
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
How do you know?
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
Can you still lift, Dink?
DINK WINSTON
I guess.
YOSEF BAFF
Just lift with your legs, will you?
DINK WINSTON
“From the knees with ease.”
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
Let’s get back to the boxes.
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
(as they exit)
We thought we killed you, Dink.
DINK WINSTON
Now the pain’s gone, I feel like I’m in heaven.
(They complete their exit.)
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
I’m the one that’s most likely to go to heaven today.
(ELISE freezes.)
GABBY SHADE
Dink was in rough shape. He thought he was going to die.
BELLE SHADE
Notice how he wanted to share a secret with that girl Timmy?
GABBY SHADE
He thought he’d reached the end of his road, so he wanted to unpack his baggage.
BELLE SHADE
I wonder what he was going to say?
GABBY SHADE
A dime will get you a dollar that it was something to do with love.
Moving On by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 10:
(MAGDA and JUBAL WASSERMAN enter.)
MAGDA WASSERMAN
Jubal, I’m not going to work on that damned garden shed all by myself!
JUBAL WASSERMAN
But they needed me for the vampire burial scene, Magda.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
And were do you get off hugging that vampire woman?
JUBAL WASSERMAN
I was just acting!
(VIRGINIA REEL and VELVET KNIGHT enter.)
VIRGINIA REEL
Mr. Wasserman, you were superb!
VELVET KNIGHT
The way you held me, it was as if we were truly vampire lovers.
JUBAL WASSERMAN
See, Magda! I’m good! And I wasn’t even wearing a costume!
MAGDA WASSERMAN
(to VELVET)
Listen, Vampire Woman, just keep your mitts off my man!
VELVET KNIGHT
It’s just acting!
(NOLA CURTOLA enters.)
NOLA CURTOLA
Claudette’s trapped in her grave, Ms. Reel.
VIRGINIA REEL
Well, dig her out before she suffocates.
NOLA CURTOLA
Tanya and Ginger are doing it right now. I wanted to help, but there was only room for two shovels.
VELVET KNIGHT
Is her head sticking out of the dirt?
NOLA CURTOLA
You bet.
VIRGINIA REEL
Then she’ll be fine. Now no more fussing; it disrupts our creative energy.
(TANYA LANDERS and GINGER LaGUARDIA, enter, hauling CLAUDETTE RAMPLE between them.)
TANYA LANDERS
Ms. Reel, I think Claudette’s in shock.
GINGER LaGUARDIA
She’s shivering and her pulse is uneven.
CLAUDETTE RAMPLE
I was buried right up to my head!
VIRGINIA REEL
Try to be a trooper, Claudette. Didn’t you ever get buried in the sand on the beach?
GINGER LaGUARDIA
That’s different, Ms. Reel.
VIRGINIA REEL
How so?
GINGER LaGUARDIA
The sand at the beach doesn’t smell like death.
CLAUDETTE RAMPLE
That dirt out there stinks real bad.
TANYA LANDERS
I can smell it on my costume.
NOLA CURTOLA
Me too.
VELVET KNIGHT
You’re supposed to be professionals! Quit complaining!
MAGDA WASSERMAN
It’s probably a broken sewer line.
JUBAL WASSERMAN
There’s been a raunchy smell out there for years.
CLAUDETTE RAMPLE
Sewage! We’ve got sewage all over us?
GINGER LaGUARDIA
Ms. Reel, I’ve got an audition today, and I’m covered in sewage!
TANYA LANDERS
No one wants to hire a stinky actor!
VIRGINIA REEL
Hang in there, kids. I’m sure Mrs. Rennenkampf will let you take a shower.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
I don’t have a shower, only a clawfoot tub.
VIRGINIA REEL
That’ll do. You girls can take turns having a quick soak before we wrap this shoot.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
As long as they don’t mind cold water. That old hot water heater doesn’t work so good.
JUBAL WASSERMAN
Velvet, I’ll show you how the faucets work. They’re kind of tricky.
VELVET KNIGHT
Won’t your wife mind?
MAGDA WASSERMAN
Yes she will mind.
(SNAP BRONTO and PUPPY DELBROOK enter.)
SNAP BRONTO
The Automobile Association mechanic’s working on our van.
PUPPY DELBROOK
A Tubby’s Towing guy drove up in his tow truck, but Snap threatened to squeeze his head, so he took off.
SNAP BRONTO
That guy made me mad.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
(to MAGDA)
This is all your father’s fault.
(VICKY GRETSCH and TOM TOMMY enter.)
VICKY GRETSCH
Mrs. Rennenkampf, Mr. Tommy says your attic is sagging.
TOM TOMMY
The rafters need replacing and the shingles are shot.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
There’s nothing wrong with my attic.
VICKY GRETSCH
There’s also evidence of rodents.
TOM TOMMY
Rat scat here and there, and one corpse.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
Corpse?
VICKY GRETSCH
A dried-up rat.
CLAUDETTE RAMPLE
I won’t have a bath in a house with rats.
VELVET KNIGHT
Don’t be a baby, Claudette. Rats are as nice as cats.
GINGER LaGUARDIA
Leave her alone, Velvet. She’s had a bad scare. Look at her frightened little face!
TANYA LANDERS
You talk big, Velvet, but I bet you wet your bed when you were a little girl.
NOLA CURTOLA
Yeah, Velvet. You talk tough, but you don’t do anything to prove it.
VELVET KNIGHT
I’m the star of the movie. That’s proof that I’ve got balls.
JUBAL WASSERMAN
You do?
MAGDA WASSERMAN
(to JUBAL)
Wouldn’t that be an eye-opener.
GINGER LaGUARDIA
I think I’m going to go home right now and have a shower, then go to my audition.
VIRGINIA REEL
Girls, girls, girls, we’ve only got a couple more scenes to shoot. If you let me down now, you’ll throw away everything we worked for!
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
(to VIRGINIA REEL)
You can put me in your film as a crazy old lady, because I’m about to lose it.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
In my opinion, you should all get the heck out of here and leave my granny in peace.
(ANNIE, DINK, YOSEF, TIMMY, and DECEMBER enter. ANNIE is crying.)
TIMMY VONIX
Annie, Annie, please don’t cry!
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
Timmy didn’t mean to scare you half to death!
YOSEF BAFF
It was just a joke!
DINK WINSTON
It was supposed to make you laugh.
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
I’m scared to death of ghosts, Timmy.
TIMMY VONIX
I didn’t know, Annie.
YOSEF BAFF
Timmy was just trying to cheer you up.
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
Jumping out at me like that, from inside the closet, when I opened the door. It wasn’t funny, Timmy.
TIMMY VONIX
Yes it was! Everyone else laughed!
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
I thought you were a ghoul!
TIMMY VONIX
I don’t look like a ghoul, do I?
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
In the dark you do.
DINK WINSTON
You do, Timmy.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
Annie’s always been a “fraidy cat”, Timmy, you know that.
JUBAL WASSERMAN
(to ANNIE and her friends)
Have you guys been drinking?
YOSEF BAFF
Annie made us promise not to.
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
How am I going to stay in this old, old house all by myself?
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
The same way I did, Annie.
(WILLARD HENCHUK enters with NONNY, TIFFY, and MONICA and CONSTABLES NORTON and QUAFFA.)
WILLARD HENCHUK
Where’s Max Rennenkampf?
NONNY HENCHUK
These officers want to talk to him.
TIFFY HENCHUK
He’s in trouble for what he did to Mom.
MONICA STUCKY
That’s what he gets for making me miss my makeover!
CONSTABLE NORTON
(to the HENCHUKS)
Now take it easy, folks.
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
(to the HENCHUKS)
Leave this to us.
WILLARD HENCHUK
(pointing to SNAP)
I saw that man there rough up the Tubby’s Towing guy.
NONNY HENCHUK
Me too. It was awful. He picked the guy up and shook him like a rag doll.
SNAP BRONTO
He called me a “dumbass”.
PUPPY DELBROOK
Snap hates to be teased about his brain.
WILLARD HENCHUK
Then he should try using it to get that moving van the hell out of here.
TIFFY HENCHUK
(to ELISE)
I’ve got to warn you, Mrs. Rennenkampf. My dad’s going to sue you.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Willard, you’ve gotten more and more angry over the years. It’s gotten so that no one can do a thing with you.
(MAX and THERESA RENNENKAMPF enter.)
MAX RENNENKAMPF
What’s going on? Why aren’t you all doing what you’re supposed to do?
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
There’s furniture to be moved, boxes to be packed, a house to be inspected, and a film to make!
MAX RENNENKAMPF
It’s got to be done today. Today, do you hear?
WILLARD HENCHUK
Officers, I expect you to do your duty.
NONNY HENCHUK
(pointing at MAX and THERESA)
Arrest those two abusive scofflaws!
TIFFY HENCHUK
(pointing at SNAP)
And you should probably ask that big guy a few questions, too.
MONICA STUCKY
He’s, like, some kind of psychopath or something.
CONSTABLE NORTON
Take it easy. No one’s going to get arrested.
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
At least, not right now.
CONSTABLE NORTON
If the Tubby’s Towing guy presses charges, then we’ll have to give the big guy over there a summons to attend a hearing.
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
(giving a ticket to PUPPY DELBROOK)
Here’s a ticket for illegally parking that van.
CONSTABLE NORTON
(to PUPPY)
If you got a problem with Max Rennenkampf for making you park in front of a fire hydrant, sue him.
NONNY HENCHUK
Aren’t you going to do anything to the Rennenkampfs for abusing me?
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
Telling you to take transit or a taxi doesn’t constitute “abuse”, Mrs. Henchuk. It’s more like “advice”, even if it was unfriendly.
CONSTABLE NORTON
Now, me and Constable Quaffa are very busy officers. We don’t want to have to come back here again to straighten out your little squabbles.
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
So we suggest you get on with your moving day chores.
CONSTABLE NORTON
We’ll give that mechanic out there a chance to fix the moving van.
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
But if he’s not done in an hour, we’re sending for a second tow truck.
CONSTABLE NORTON
Mr. Rennenkampf, you’d best call the moving company to send out another van.
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
Everyone understand?
(The CONSTABLES scan the crowd.)
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
Good.
(The CONSTABLES back out of the room, scanning the faces as they go, then turn at the last minute and exit.)
WILLARD HENCHUK
(to MAX)
Don’t look so smug, Rennenkampf. This isn’t over.
NONNY HENCHUK
(to WILLARD)
Take me home, honey. I feel emotionally drained.
TIFFY HENCHUK
(to MONICA)
That man cop was cute, but kind of brutal.
MONICA STUCKY
He talked funny, sort of like a machine.
(The HENCHUKS exit.)
MAX RENNENKAMPF
All right, the fun’s over. Snap, is that Automobile Association mechanic going to get your van running or what?
SNAP BRONTO
I dunno, Mr. Rennenkampf. He said he might not be able to do it.
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
Your van’s half loaded, so we’ll gamble on him succeeding. Annie, you and your buddies help Snap and Puppy finish loading the moving van.
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
This is like a nightmare.
TIMMY VONIX
Do I really look like a ghoul?
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
Yes, Timmy, you really do.
(DECEMBER, TIMMY, ANNIE, DINK, YOSEF, SNAP and PUPPY exit.)
MAX RENNENKAMPF
You go ahead and finish your shoot, Ms. Reel.
VIRGINIA REEL
Can we use your bathtub?
MAX RENNENKAMPF
Why not? It’s just about the only thing that works around here.
VIRGINIA REEL
Come on, girls. Scrub time.
(VIRGINIA and the ACTORS exit.)
TOM TOMMY
I’d like to check the drains, Vicky.
VICKY GRETSCH
That won’t be pretty.
(TOM and VICKY exit.)
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
Magda, you and Jubal better start swamping out the basement.
JUBAL WASSERMAN
There’s toxic stuff down there, Theresa!
MAGDA WASSERMAN
Like rat poison and asbestos and carcinogenic paint products from the 1940’s.
MAX RENNENKAMPF
Wear rubber gloves. If something looks dangerous, bury it in the back yard.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
Come on Jubal. We’ll throw that poison stuff into those graves the actors dug.
(MAGDA and JUBAL exit.)
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
(to MAX)
Are we having fun yet?
MAX RENNENKAMPF
Oh yeah. Let’s try to roll the piano down that makeshift ramp.
(THERESA and MAX exit.)
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
(to all the folks who have exited)
You’re all missing the point!
(ELISE freezes.)
BELLE SHADE
Well, Elise’s boy Max sure knows how to delegate authority.
GABBY SHADE
Only when he’s scared.
BELLE SHADE
Which is all the time.
GABBY SHADE
Do you think Elise is going to make it through the day?
BELLE SHADE
If she doesn’t, she’ll be joining us in our little ghost world.
GABBY SHADE
I guess I’m kind of selfish, but I’d like that.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
(to herself)
Why is it that no one understands how to be happy until it’s too late to do anything about it?
Moving On by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 1:
(ELISE RENNENKAMPF sleeps. TIFFY HENCHUK enters with MONICA STUCKY.)
TIFFY HENCHUK
She’s sleeping.
MONICA STUCKY
Do you think we should wake her?
TIFFY HENCHUK
In a minute.
MONICA STUCKY
Do you really think she’ll let us have a party in her house after the school dance?
TIFFY HENCHUK
She isn’t even going to be here, so why would she say no?
MONICA STUCKY
Because the party might get out of control and the house might get wrecked. It’s high risk, Monica.
TIFFY HENCHUK
Her granddaughter Annie’s going to be here. She can “supervise”.
MONICA STUCKY
Why not just ask Annie?
TIFFY HENCHUK
Because she’d say no. But if her grandmother gives us permission, then Annie’s got to go along with it.
(ELISE RENNENKAMPF wakes up.)
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
What are you doing here, Tiffy?
TIFFY HENCHUK
Mrs. Rennenkampf, seeing as how you’re moving out, do you think Monica and I could have a party in your house after the school dance next Wednesday?
MONICA STUCKY
Your granddaughter Annie could supervise.
TIFFY HENCHUK
Dad won’t let us use our place because he doesn’t understand.
MONICA STUCKY
But you do, don’t you?
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Tiffy, why do you act like your brains leaked out?
TIFFY HENCHUK
Huh?
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
You used to be such a clever little girl.
TIFFY HENCHUK
Do you really want to know, Mrs. Rennenkampf?
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Yes, Tiffy, I really want to know.
TIFFY HENCHUK
I’m trying to be socially successful, so I have to hide my brains and display my body.
MONICA STUCKY
Socially successful girls are extroverted, and definitely not intellectual.
TIFFY HENCHUK
They pay more attention to makeup than to the magic of existence. Then the boys pay more attention to them.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
You don’t have an empty head perched on top of a perfect body to get boys to notice you.
TIFFY HENCHUK
Then what do you have to have?
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
What you’ve already got. If you want real romance, let your intelligence shine through, in all its charm, and you’ll be beautiful no matter what kind of body you have, or makeup or clothing.
MONICA STUCKY
Since when is intelligence charming?
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Since forever. Lots of boys find smart girls charming, especially the ones who aren’t afraid of being gentle and smart themselves.
TIFFY HENCHUK
(asking)
And kind? The ones who aren’t afraid to be kind…do they find smart girls charming?
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Yes. Especially them. They know that social success means nothing without love.
MONICA STUCKY
(asking)
Not like the mean ones that use the…
(spelling it out)
…”S-L-U-T” word if a girl won’t play the game the way they want it played?
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
That’s right. And there’s one thing you’ve got to get straight: there’s no such thing as a “slut” except in the cheap politics of hateful people who use that word to hurt girls and women.
TIFFY HENCHUK
It’d be such a relief to share my feelings and thoughts as they really are, to let myself be true to the person I’m most comfortable with on the inside.
MONICA STUCKY
And to not have to perform some kind of fake image that gives those hateful people what they want.
TIFFY HENCHUK
Mrs. Rennenkampf, would you let us have a party here if we only invited gentle, intelligent boys and girls?
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Of course.
TIFFY HENCHUK
Then that’s what we’ll do!
(TIFFY, MONICA, and ELISE freeze.)
GABBY SHADE
Elise can still think clearly.
BELLE SHADE
Look at how she got through to those two girls.
GABBY SHADE
I always said she should have been a teacher.
BELLE SHADE
But all she ever wanted was to haunt this old house like we do, only she did it in the flesh.
(WILLARD and NONNY HENCHUK enter.)
NONNY HENCHUK
(to TIFFY and MONICA)
There you are!
WILLARD HENCHUK
Tiffy, your mom called a taxi to take you and Monica to your makeover appointments.
NONNY HENCHUK
I know how important that school dance is to you kids.
TIFFY HENCHUK
Thanks, Mom, but I don’t think we want those makeovers any more.
NONNY HENCHUK
Why not?
MONICA STUCKY
We look fine the way we are.
(TIFFY and MONICA exit.)
WILLARD HENCHUK
What’s the matter with them?
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
They’ve smartened up.
NONNY HENCHUK
Mrs. Rennenkampf, Willard and I want to apologize for making a fuss earlier.
WILLARD HENCHUK
We’ve been under a lot of stress lately.
NONNY HENCHUK
We’ve been going for counselling, you see.
WILLARD HENCHUK
Nonny doesn’t think our marriage is working.
NONNY HENCHUK
I’ve been unhappy for quite some time.
WILLARD HENCHUK
I don’t know how to be happy either.
NONNY HENCHUK
(to WILLARD)
We got married because we were happier when we were together.
WILLARD HENCHUK
(to NONNY)
But now we’re happier when we’re apart.
NONNY HENCHUK
(to WILLARD)
How does that happen?
WILLARD HENCHUK
(to NONNY)
A part of us is living together in that house next door, but a part of us has moved out.
NONNY HENCHUK
(to WILLARD)
The unhappy part’s still there, but the happy part’s gone.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Well, all of me’s moving out of this house, the unhappy and the uhappy parts.
NONNY HENCHUK
That’s sort of why we’re here.
WILLARD HENCHUK
We were wondering if Nonny could move in here with Annie, for a while.
NONNY HENCHUK
It’s a big house, and Annie could use a little help taking care of the place.
WILLARD HENCHUK
That way, Nonny could get some distance from me, and still be close to Tiffany.
NONNY HENCHUK
If Willard can learn to be happy in our house again, and I can learn to be happy here, maybe we won’t have to end our marriage. At least, not for a while.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
A husband and wife are supposed to live together.
WILLARD HENCHUK
Is that a “no”?
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
I guess it’s a “maybe”. I’ll have to think about it.
NONNY HENCHUK
Thanks, Mrs. Rennenkampf.
WILLARD HENCHUK
Tiffany…our daughter…she doesn’t know about any of this.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
I’d say you’re wrong about that.
NONNY HENCHUK
I guess Tiffy hasn’t been herself lately.
WILLARD HENCHUK
Her marks have tanked, and she spends all her time pretending to be an “airhead”.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Those are pretty strong signals that she knows exactly what’s going on.
NONNY HENCHUK
So you see, Mrs. Rennenkampf, I’ve got to do something.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Like I said, I’ll think about it. I’ll let you know before I leave tonight.
WILLARD HENCHUK
Thanks.
(WILLARD and NONNY exit. ELISE freezes.)
BELLE SHADE
So that’s what’s been going on with those Henchuks.
GABBY SHADE
No wonder Tiffy’s acting so silly. A broken marriage means a broken child.
BELLE SHADE
Looks like it’s Elise to the rescue.
GABBY SHADE
It’s going to be lively around here with Annie and Nonny and those kids having a party.
Moving On by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 2:
(ELISE RENNENKAMPF sleeps. TIFFY HENCHUK enters with MONICA STUCKY.)
(TOM TOMMY and VICKY GRETSCH enter. ELISE has fallen asleep.)
TOM TOMMY
She’s asleep.
VICKY GRETSCH
Good. We don’t have to tell her the bad news about the sewage system.
TOM TOMMY
That yard’s polluted from the leakage.
VICKY GRETSCH
Tom…
TOM TOMMY
Yes, Vicky?
VICKY GRETSCH
You’re a single fella, right?
TOM TOMMY
I was married once, but it didn’t work out.
VICKY GRETSCH
Do you ever get…lonely?
TOM TOMMY
Sure. Sure I get lonely, Vicky. And you?
VICKY GRETSCH
I live alone in a condo and have no social life.
TOM TOMMY
An attractive woman like you?
VICKY GRETSCH
All I ever do is work.
TOM TOMMY
Too bad this old house is in such rough shape, or I might consider buying it myself.
VICKY GRETSCH
It’d be a good place to raise a family.
TOM TOMMY
Lots of bedrooms.
VICKY GRETSCH
A big yard.
TOM TOMMY
Solid construction.
VICKY GRETSCH
A good location, close to schools, shops, and the hospital.
TOM TOMMY
It needs a lot of TLC…
VICKY GRETSCH
But with the right couple…
TOM TOMMY
Two people who are willing to work hard for the property and for each other…
VICKY GRETSCH
It could grow into something beautiful.
TOM TOMMY
Something beautiful.
(Suddenly, they are impelled together in a romantic embrace. after some time, they break apart, embarrassed by the overt display of affection.)
VICKY GRETSCH
We better get on with the inspection.
TOM TOMMY
Yes, the inspection.
VICKY GRETSCH
There’s so much I want to know about…about this house.
TOM TOMMY
Yes, of course. the house. We’ve got to inspect it.
VICKY GRETSCH
Perhaps we should check the furnace, and see if the thermostat’s stuck. It feels awfully warm in here.
TOM TOMMY
Yes, the furnace. Let’s check the source of all this heat.
(TOM and VICKY exit.)
GABBY SHADE
Remember when I said I didn’t like those two?
BELLE SHADE
Uh huh.
GABBY SHADE
I’ve changed my mind.
BELLE SHADE
Love is a many-splendoured thing.
Moving On by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 3:
(ELISE RENNENKAMPF sleeps. TIFFY HENCHUK enters with MONICA STUCKY.)
(SNAP BRONTO and PUPPY DELBROOK enter. ELISE sleeps on.)
SNAP BRONTO
The truck’s running again, Puppy! And we’re almost done loading.
PUPPY DELBROOK
It’s nice of the folks around here to lend a hand.
SNAP BRONTO
They’re kind of desperate, eh, because she’s all got to be done and dusted in a day.
PUPPY DELBROOK
How long have we been in the moving business, Snap?
SNAP BRONTO
Jeeze, it must be what, ten, twelve years?
PUPPY DELBROOK
I guess. It kind of makes me sad.
SNAP BRONTO
What makes you sad?
PUPPY DELBROOK
Taking stuff out of an old house like this.
SNAP BRONTO
Everything ends, Puppy, and I mean everything.
PUPPY DELBROOK
Don’t that make you sad, Snap?
SNAP BRONTO
Hell no. I look forward to being dead.
PUPPY DELBROOK
How come?
SNAP BRONTO
I won’t have to lift furniture no more.
(SNAP and PUPPY exit.)
BELLE SHADE
That big one reminds me of father.
GABBY SHADE
Father was more graceful, though.
BELLE SHADE
And the other one looks a bit like cousin Sidney, who was killed in the Spanish Civil War.
GABBY SHADE
Cousin Sidney. He was a dreamer, but his dreams didn’t stop the bullet that killed him.
BELLE SHADE
No, but maybe his dreams made dying a little bit easier.
Moving On by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 4:
(ELISE RENNENKAMPF sleeps. TIFFY HENCHUK enters with MONICA STUCKY.)
(VIRGINIA REEL enters with VELVET KNIGHT.)
VIRGINIA REEL
Looks like the old girl’s asleep.
VELVET KNIGHT
She looks kind of peaceful.
VIRGINIA REEL
I wanted to thank her for the use of her property, but I guess I’ll send a card instead.
VELVET KNIGHT
Ms. Reel, do you really think I’m going to be a successful actor?
VIRGINIA REEL
That’s up to the public, kid.
VELVET KNIGHT
I mean, I really respect you and everything, but this film doesn’t have much of a chance, does it.
VIRGINIA REEL
Hey, you never know. If it’s a hit on the film festival circuit, it might get picked up for wider distribution.
VELVET KNIGHT
I’m feel like a fool for always criticizing the other actors. I guess I only do it because I’m afraid they’re better than me.
VIRGINIA REEL
You’re good looking, you can sing, and you’ve got guts. That, and hard work, is all it takes to get a career kicked into gear.
VELVET KNIGHT
Ms. Reel, I really am a vampire, you know.
VIRGINIA REEL
Are you?
VELVET KNIGHT
I’ve been a vampire all my life, living off everyone else because I can’t make a living on my own.
VIRGINIA REEL
Hey, we’re North Americans. We’re all vampires, sucking the life blood out of the rest of the world to keep us fat and sassy.
VELVET KNIGHT
We actors are the worst vampires, spending all our time pretending, while everyone else has to do real things in the real world so we can play make-believe.
VIRGINIA REEL
But they love you guys for doing that. Heck, they spend a humongous amount of time watching actors on various media. You entertain them with stories because they don’t know how make up stories for themselves.
VELVET KNIGHT
You think?
VIRGINIA REEL
I know. Come on, I want a shot of you alone in one of these empty rooms, with that empty, haunted look on your face.
(VIRGINIA and VELVET exit. ELISE sleeps on.)
GABBY SHADE
You know, actors are sort of like ghosts.
BELLE SHADE
How so?
GABBY SHADE
The characters they play aren’t really there. They don’t exist. They’re an illusion.
BELLE SHADE
Like you and me.
GABBY SHADE
Like you and me.
Moving On by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 5:
(ELISE RENNENKAMPF sleeps. TIFFY HENCHUK enters with MONICA STUCKY.)
(NOLA CURTOLA and CLAUDETTE RAMPLE enter.)
CLAUDETTE RAMPLE
Ms. Reel’s in here somewhere with her favourite.
NOLA CURTOLA
Velvet’s pretty good, I guess.
CLAUDETTE RAMPLE
It’s not fair that the prettiest ones get all the breaks.
NOLA CURTOLA
You’re pretty, Claudette.
CLAUDETTE RAMPLE
Not Hollywood pretty, Nola.
NOLA CURTOLA
You’ve got personality.
CLAUDETTE RAMPLE
Miss Congeniality.
NOLA CURTOLA
And you do a good job of pretending to be a dead victim of a vampire.
CLAUDETTE RAMPLE
It’s no fun pretending to be one of the undead, because it reminds me of my life.
NOLA CURTOLA
I had fun today, even when I was in that grave with the stinky dirt.
CLAUDETTE RAMPLE
We’re probably going to get some sort of awful disease from that toxic dirt.
NOLA CURTOLA
But it was great. I like gross, smelly things.
CLAUDETTE RAMPLE
Why?
NOLA CURTOLA
They have their own sort of beauty. Like you.
CLAUDETTE RAMPLE
I’m a gross smelly thing?
NOLA CURTOLA
No. You have your own sort of beauty.
CLAUDETTE RAMPLE
I don’t think anyone’s going to pay money to get a makeover to look like me.
NOLA CURTOLA
I hope not. A thing is always more beautiful if it’s one of a kind.
CLAUDETTE RAMPLE
Let’s go out and practice the last scene of the movie.
NOLA CURTOLA
The grand finale in which we burst into flames!
(NOLA and CLAUDETTE exit.)
BELLE SHADE
One thing I like about being a ghost is that I’m never gross or smelly.
GABBY SHADE
We never need a bath or a haircut. Heck, we don’t even have bodily functions.
BELLE SHADE
The corrupt flesh has fallen away from us.
GABBY SHADE
And we are nothing but pure, perfect energy.
Moving On by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 6:
(ELISE RENNENKAMPF sleeps. TIFFY HENCHUK enters with MONICA STUCKY.)
(TANYA LANDERS and GINGER LaGUARDIA enter.)
TANYA LANDERS
We’ve missed our auditions, Ginger.
GINGER LaGUARDIA
I wouldn’t have gotten the part anyway.
TANYA LANDERS
Me either.
GINGER LaGUARDIA
Who are we kidding? We’re never going to make a living as actors.
TANYA LANDERS
This stupid vampire movie isn’t going to make us famous.
GINGER LaGUARDIA
It’s embarrassing. I wouldn’t even show it to my dog.
TANYA LANDERS
You have a dog?
GINGER LaGUARDIA
I’m not supposed to. It’s against the rules in my apartment building.
TANYA LANDERS
Poor people can’t have pets.
GINGER LaGUARDIA
My dog’s name is Lady Jane.
TANYA LANDERS
My middle name is Jane, but I’m no lady.
GINGER LaGUARDIA
She’s a good dog, staying home all alone all day without a fuss.
TANYA LANDERS
Life is simpler if you’re a dog.
GINGER LaGUARDIA
I guess. All a dog needs is a bit of food, a walk once a day, a warm place to sleep and a human to love.
TANYA LANDERS
But we humans need to create things.
GINGER LaGUARDIA
Create or die, I always say.
TANYA LANDERS
Look at old Mrs. Rennenkampf sleeping.
GINGER LaGUARDIA
I wonder if she’s dreaming?
TANYA LANDERS
Do we create our dreams, or do our dreams create us?
GINGER LaGUARDIA
And the last dream we have, just before we die, is it any more meaningful than all the others?
TANYA LANDERS
I guess we have to wait until we get there.
(TANYA and GINGER exit. ELISE sleeps on.)
GABBY SHADE
If only we could tell them.
BELLE SHADE
The last dream doesn’t end.
GABBY SHADE
It’s still going on, right now.
Moving On by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 7:
(ELISE RENNENKAMPF sleeps. TIFFY HENCHUK enters with MONICA STUCKY.)
(DECEMBER O’TOOLE enters with YOSEF BAFF.)
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
I can’t lift another thing.
YOSEF BAFF
No need to, December. We’re all finished.
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
Except for that stuff back at Annie’s apartment.
YOSEF BAFF
Damn. I’d forgotten about that.
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
Annie’s never going to be able to live here on her own.
YOSEF BAFF
It’s a scary old place, that’s for sure.
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
Yosef, no one should have to live alone.
YOSEF BAFF
Not if they don’t want to.
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
I mean, I live on my own, but I don’t like it.
YOSEF BAFF
Then why do you do it?
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
I can’t find anyone who wants to live with me.
YOSEF BAFF
I’d like to live with you.
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
You’re a guy, Yosef.
YOSEF BAFF
No kidding? I hadn’t noticed.
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
I couldn’t live with a guy unless we were…were…you know.
YOSEF BAFF
Sure I know. And like I said, I’d like to live with you.
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
Oh. You’re declaring your feelings for me.
YOSEF BAFF
If that’s what you want to call it.
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
You’re saying you want to be more than just a friend.
YOSEF BAFF
Is that a problem for you?
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
Well, yeah! A friend can’t become a lover just like that!
YOSEF BAFF
Why not?
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
Well, for one thing, we’d have to be in love.
YOSEF BAFF
Aren’t we?
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
Are we?
YOSEF BAFF
I know what I feel and I think I know what you feel.
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
I think I feel uncomfortable.
YOSEF BAFF
Good uncomfortable or bad uncomfortable?
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
(after a pause)
Good uncomfortable.
YOSEF BAFF
I knew it!
(They embrace.)
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
I hope you like pink.
YOSEF BAFF
Pink?
DECEMBER O’TOOLE
My apartment. It’s all in pink.
YOSEF BAFF
(taking her hand)
Uh oh.
(They look at each other, laugh, and exit.)
BELLE SHADE
Awwwww!
GABBY SHADE
The things we get to witness! Sometimes, it makes me feel just a tad guilty.
BELLE SHADE
They’ll never ever know, Gabby.
Moving On by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 8:
(ELISE RENNENKAMPF sleeps. TIFFY HENCHUK enters with MONICA STUCKY.)
(TIMMY VONIX and DINK WINSTON enter.)
TIMMY VONIX
How’s your back, Dink?
DINK WINSTON
Good, thanks to old Mrs. Rennenkampf there.
TIMMY VONIX
She’s sleeping like a baby.
DINK WINSTON
I wish I could.
TIMMY VONIX
Sleep?
DINK WINSTON
Yeah.
TIMMY VONIX
Aw, no sleepies for poor little Dinkums.
DINK WINSTON
It’s not funny, Timmy. In fact, it’s your fault.
TIMMY VONIX
My fault?
DINK WINSTON
What’s it take to get you to see the obvious, Timmy.
TIMMY VONIX
The obvious what?
DINK WINSTON
Me! To see me!
TIMMY VONIX
I see you.
DINK WINSTON
No! You refuse to see me. To see how it is for me.
TIMMY VONIX
Don’t be weird, Dink.
DINK WINSTON
Damn it, Timmy, I love you!
TIMMY VONIX
What?
DINK WINSTON
That’s what I was going to tell you when I thought I was dying!
TIMMY VONIX
Dink! You love me?
DINK WINSTON
In the man/woman way.
TIMMY VONIX
Well, I guess I’ll have to think about that one.
DINK WINSTON
It’s been eating me up, Timmy.
TIMMY VONIX
You love me.
DINK WINSTON
This is so embarrassing.
TIMMY VONIX
I guess I’m kind of honoured.
DINK WINSTON That’s good…I think.
TIMMY VONIX
But Dink…Dinkum…I…I’m not in love with you.
DINK WINSTON
The embarrassment just increased exponentially.
TIMMY VONIX
Please don’t be embarrassed. You can’t help feeling what you feel.
DINK WINSTON
But you don’t feel the same thing.
TIMMY VONIX
You’re my friend, my pal. That’s how it is for me. I don’t think it could ever be anything else.
DINK WINSTON
All right.
TIMMY VONIX
No, it’s not all right. I wish I could make this a happy ending for you, but I can’t.
(TIMMY exits as ANNIE enters.)
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
What’s up with you guys?
DINK WINSTON
I just told Timmy I love her, and she just told me she doesn’t love me.
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
Ouch. Double ouch. Triple ouch.
DINK WINSTON
This hurts way worse than my bad back.
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
I’m sorry, Dink.
DINK WINSTON
You’re not in love me, by any chance?
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
Hey, that’s rebound talk. You’re not thinking clearly.
DINK WINSTON
That’s right. I’m just feeling stuff, and I don’t like it.
(DINK exits.)
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
Poor guy.
(MAX and THERESA RENNENKAMPF enter.)
MAX RENNENKAMPF
Annie, just a couple more boxes and we’re done.
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
Get the lead out, kid. We’re going to make this deadline or die trying.
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
Something just died in my friend Dink.
MAX RENNENKAMPF
What?
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
Nothing.
(ANNIE exits with MAX and ANNIE.)
Moving On by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 9:
(ELISE RENNENKAMPF sleeps. TIFFY HENCHUK enters with MONICA STUCKY.)
(CONSTABLE NORTON and CONSTABLE QUAFFA enter.)
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
Nice and peaceful in here.
CONSTABLE NORTON
And they got that moving van running.
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
The neighbours have quit complaining.
CONSTABLE NORTON
And the house is nearly empty.
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
You might say they got off to a rough start, but found their way to a smooth ending.
CONSTABLE NORTON
The old lady’s asleep.
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
She’s not agitated. That’s good.
CONSTABLE NORTON
You know something, Lucy?
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
What, Bill.
CONSTABLE NORTON
This house, it’s got something special.
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
Special?
CONSTABLE NORTON
Some sort of energy, I guess.
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
Why, Bill, you’re not going to get all poetic, are you?
CONSTABLE NORTON
Nope.
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
Good, because if you did, I’d have to knock some sense into you.
CONSTABLE NORTON
Hey, you’re half my size.
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
That doesn’t mean nothing.
(throwing him down easily)
See? It’s all in the correct use of energy.
CONSTABLE NORTON
(getting up)
The correct use of energy. Like this.
(He throws her down.)
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
(getting up)
The correct use of energy to keep things balanced.
CONSTABLE NORTON
Night, day. Love, hate. Life, death. It’s all got to be balanced.
CONSTABLE QUAFFA
The balance, the rhythm of life. It’s the beat that never ends.
(They grab each other and attempt to throw each other, but attain a balance in which neither one can overpower the other.)
CONSTABLE NORTON and CONSTABLE QUAFFA
(in unison)
Balance. The dance of life!
(They laugh as they break apart and exit. ELISE sleeps on.)
BELLE SHADE
The dance of life.
GABBY SHADE
And the dance of death.
BELLE SHADE
It’s all got to be balanced.
Moving On by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 10:
(ELISE RENNENKAMPF sleeps. TIFFY HENCHUK enters with MONICA STUCKY.)
(MAGDA and JUBAL WASSERMAN enter.)
MAGDA WASSERMAN
Almost done. Good thing Granny’s asleep. It’s better that way.
JUBAL WASSERMAN
Magda, I want us to have a baby.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
A baby?
JUBAL WASSERMAN
Let’s have a baby as quick as possible.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
It always takes at least nine months, Jubal.
JUBAL WASSERMAN
Moving stuff out of this house, it makes me want to make new life.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
Yeah, with that little actor you’ve got a crush on.
JUBAL WASSERMAN
No, with you, Magda. I mean it.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
A trailer’s no place for a baby to live, Jubal.
JUBAL WASSERMAN
I’ll build an addition.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
You’ve never even built a bird house, honey.
JUBAL WASSERMAN
I want to use my hands, to make something real.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
You don’t make a baby with your hands, dear.
JUBAL WASSERMAN
You know what I mean. I want to make a bedroom for our baby.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
How come you’ve gotten all sweet and cute and lovely all of a sudden?
JUBAL WASSERMAN
We don’t have much time, Magda. We don’t have much time for love.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
Jeeze, I wish you’d talk like this more often.
JUBAL WASSERMAN
I will, honey, I promise.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
A baby, eh?
JUBAL WASSERMAN
Maybe two, or three.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
Maybe one, Jubal.
JUBAL WASSERMAN
One’s more than enough for now.
MAGDA WASSERMAN
Let’s go load the last couple of boxes, and we’ll do something about that baby later.
JUBAL WASSERMAN
Not too much later.
(They laugh, join hands, and exit.)
GABBY SHADE
They don’t know it yet, but that baby’s as good as made.
BELLE SHADE
Just talking about something makes it real, if the two people talking agree with one another.
Moving On by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 11:
(ELISE RENNENKAMPF sleeps. TIFFY HENCHUK enters with MONICA STUCKY.)
(The CAST assembles on stage in logical groupings.)
MAX RENNENKAMPF
(to ELISE)
Mom! Mom! Time to wake up!
THERESA RENNENKAMPF
All your things are in the moving van.
(ELISE wakes up.)
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
Nonny Henchuk, Nonny Henchuk, where are you?
NONNY HENCHUK
Right here, Mrs. Rennenkampf.
ELISE RENNENKAMPT
You can live here in this house with Annie if it’s all right with her.
NONNY HENCHUK
Do you mind, Annie?
ANNIE RENNENKAMPF
I don’t know why you’d want to do it, but I’d be glad for some company.
NONNY HENCHUK
Thank you, Annie, and thank you, Mrs. Rennenkampf.
WILLARD HENCHUK
Yes, thank you both.
TIFFY HENCHUK
It’s for the best. I understand that now, Mom and Dad. Thank you, Mrs. Rennenkampf.
ELISE RENNENKAMPF
(looking around at everyone)
You’ve all had quite a day. And I’ve had quite a life. There’s not much difference between a single day and a whole life. Everything has a beginning, a middle, and an end. Every story that was ever told. And every story that was ever told is really just one story, but we never get tired of it, because it’s always beautiful.
FULL CAST
Every story that was ever told is just one story, and it’s always beautiful.
END OF PLAY.