Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2005.
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 40 minutes.
• style: allegorical clown play
• suitable for general audiences
• 27 characters (gender interchangeable)
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Murkolump” is an allegorical tale about a community who discover a “lump” in their midst. The community is divided in their opinions about the lump’s significance. This leads to suspicion, hostility, and ultimately, to civil war. They fight to defend what they love, and to defeat what they hate, but the thing they love and the thing they hate is nothing at all.
(This play was first performed on June 9, 10, 13, 14, 15, in the year 2005, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
Go to:
Act One, Scene 1
Act One, Scene 2
Act One, Scene 3
Act One, Scene 4
Act One, Scene 5
Act Two, Scene 1
Act Two, Scene 2
Act Two, Scene 3
Act Two, Scene 4
Act Two, Scene 5
Act Two, Scene 6
Act Two, Scene 7
Act Two, Scene 8
Act Two, Scene 9
Act Two, Scene 10
CHARACTERS:
The Lumpers:
Jibberjab
Scram
Raspberry
South Murkins:
Dither
Shiver
Donk
Lulu
Horse
Tinsel
Bark
Cushion
Codbod
Lilly
Nevada
Wigmama
North Murkins:
Turnip
Ninny
Shoofly
Buster
Grump
KeeKee
Muffle
Groto
Clump
Mantis
Natty
Horkul
Murkolump by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 1:
(Upstage centre is a large LUMP. Inside the Lump, JIBBERJAB, SCRAM, and TURNIP wait for their opportunity to do evil. Suddenly, they emerge, do preliminary explorations of their surroundings, and then disappear into the LUMP again. DITHER, SHIVER, and DONK run in from stage right. They are playing tag. DITHER is the first to see the LUMP. He shrieks. SHIVER and DONK stop playing, see the LUMP, and shriek too)
DITHER
(pointing at the LUMP)
What’s that?
SHIVER
It wasn’t there yesterday!
DONK
But it’s here today!
(DITHER moves a step towards the LUMP. The LUMP emits strange sounds.)
SHIVER No, Dither!
(DITHER stops. The noise stops.)
SHIVER
Don’t go near it!
DONK
What if it’s dangerous?
DITHER
Perhaps it’s food.
SHIVER
What if it’s poisonous?
DONK
(sniffing)
It doesn’t smell like food.
(TURNIP, SHOOFLY, and NINNY run in from stage left. They too are playing tag. TURNIP sees the LUMP first, and shrieks. SHOOFLY and NINNY stop playing, see the LUMP, and shriek.)
TURNIP
That wasn’t there yesterday!
SHOOFLY
But it’s here today!
NINNY
(to DITHER, SHIVER, and DONK )
What is that thing?
SHOOFLY
Did you bring it here?
TURNIP Is it a toy for us to play with?
(She steps towards the LUMP. The LUMP emits more strange sounds.)
DITHER
No, Turnip!
(TURNIP stops. The sounds stop)
DITHER
Don’t go near it!
SHIVER
It might eat you!
DONK
It might gobble you up!
SHOOFLY
Does it have a mouth?
NINNY
How can it gobble if it doesn’t have a mouth?
TURNIP
Is it alive?
SHIVER, DITHER, and DONK
It wasn’t here yesterday.
TURNIP, SHOOFLY, NINNY
But it’s here today!
(They all start to run around, repeating the lines “It wasn’t here yesterday, but it’s here today!” over and over, to each other and to the universe. Finally, SHIVER, DITHER, DONK, SHOOFLY, NINNY, and TURNIP plop down and fall asleep, exhausted. The South Murkins plop down on stage right…the North Murkins plop down on stage left. JIBBERJAB, SCRAM, and RASPBERRY emerge from the LUMP and inspect the ankle joints and toes of the exhausted Murkins, then disappear into the LUMP again.)
End of Act One, Scene 1.
Murkolump by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 2:
(LULU, TINSEL, and HORSE enter from the right)
LULU
Is it time for bed?
HORSE
Why are you all snoozing?
TINSEL
Did that Lump make you sleepy?
LULU
It wasn’t here yesterday.
HORSE
But it’s here today.
TINSEL
Perhaps it’s a house for us to live in.
(TINSEL steps towards the LUMP. Sounds come from the LUMP)
LULU No, Tinsel!
(TINSEL stops…the noises stop)
LULU
…don’t go near it!
HORSE
If it’s a house, where’s the door?
TINSEL
Did it grow out of the ground?
LULU
It wasn’t there yesterday.
HORSE
But it’s here today.
TINSEL, LULU, and HORSE
It wasn’t there yesterday.
SLEEPING MURKINS
(murmuring together)
But it’s here today!
(TINSEL, LULU, and HORSE move amongst the Murkins, uttering “It’s here today! It’s here today! The Lump is here today!” in a puzzled effort to understand, then fall down exhausted on stage right and snooze. JIBBERJAB, SCRAM, and RASPBERRY ooze out of the LUMP and examine the leg and hip joints of the new Murkins, then return to the LUMP and disappear.)
End of Act One, Scene 2.
Murkolump by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 3:
(BUSTER, GRUMP, and KEEKEE enter from the left.)
BUSTER
So many Murkins sleeping.
GRUMP
Lazy Lumps!
KEEKEE
The sun is up…
BUSTER
And yet they sleep.
GRUMP
Lazy Lumps!
KEEKEE
(seeing the big LUMP and pointing)
ump! Lump! Lump!
(BUSTER and GRUMP react with shock)
BUSTER
A huge Lump!
GRUMP
It wasn’t here yesterday!
KEEKEE
But it’s here today!
BUSTER
Maybe it’s a toilet! I need to pee!
(He steps towards it. Snarling sounds come from the LUMP.)
GRUMP
No, Buster…
(BUSTER stops…the snarling stops.)
GRUMP
Don’t go near it!
KEEKEE
(sniffing)
It does not smell like a toilet!
BUSTER
I need to pee!
(Very loud snarling sounds come from the LUMP. KEEKEE and GRUMP cringe. BUSTER runs offstage. The other Murkins murmur in their delirium.)
MURKINS
It wasn’t here yesterday.
KEEKEE and GRUMP
But it’s here today.
(BUSTER enters, having “peed” offstage.)
BUSTER
Much better.
GRUMP
(contemplating the snoozing Murkins)
Perhaps we should snooze too.
KEEKEE
Perhaps the sun is the moon!
(BUSTER, GRUMP, and KEEKEE move about, repeating “We should snooze…the sun is the moon” in an effort to make the idea seem logical, until they are exhausted and lie down stage left and snooze. JIBBERJAB, SCRAM, and RASPBERRY spew out of the LUMP, conduct inspections of the wrist joints and fingers of the new prey, then go back into the LUMP.)
End of Act One, Scene 3.
Murkolump by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 4:
(BARK, CUSHION, and CODBOD enter from the right. MUFFLE, GROTO, and CLUMP enter from the left. They all observe the snoozing Murkins.)
BARK
So many Murkins sleeping.
MUFFLE
Murkins from the north.
CUSHION
Murkins from the south.
GROTO
Snoozing in the sun.
CODBOD
Why do they snooze when they should be playing?
CLUMP
(seeing the LUMP and pointing)
A Lump! A Lump!
(The others react with shock.)
BARK, CUSHION, CODBOD
It wasn’t there yesterday!
MUFFLE, GROTO, CLUMP
But it’s here today!
BARK
Perhaps it is a wagon for us to ride in!
(She steps towards the LUMP…hissing sounds come from the LUMP.)
CUSHION
No, Bark…
(BARK stops…the hissing stops)
CUSHION
…do not go near it!
CODBOD
What kind of wagon does not have wheels?
MUFFLE
Perhaps it is a boat for us to sail!
(He steps towards the LUMP…it gurgles.)
GROTO
No, Muffle!
(MUFFLE stops…the gurgling stops.)
GROTO
A boat does not gurgle.
CLUMP
If it’s a boat, it does not float.
BARK, CUSHION, CODBOD
It sits upon the ground.
MUFFLE, GROTO, CLUMP
If it’s a boat, it does not float.
BARK, CUSHION, CODBOD
It sits upon the ground!
(They circulcate about, repeating the lines “If it’s a boat it does not float. It sits upon the ground,” reflecting on this profound discovery, until they are exhausted and fall down and snooze, with MUFFLE, GROTO, and CLUMP on stage left, and BARK, CUSHION and CODBOD on stage right. JIBBERJAB, SCRAM, and RASPBERRY spew out, explore the elbow and shoulder joints of the new prey, then run back into the LUMP.)
End of Act One, Scene 4.
Murkolump by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 5:
(LILLY, NEVADA, and WIGMAMA enter from the right. MANTIS, NATTY, and HORKUL enter from the left.)
LILLY
So many Murkins lying on the ground.
MANTIS
So many Murkins, from south and north.
NATTY
So many Murkins, snoozing in the sunshine.
NEVADA
They do not play.
WIGMAMA
Something’s wrong today.
HORKUL
(seeing the LUMP and pointing)
A Lump! A Lump! A Lump-a-Lump-a-Lump!
LILLY, NEVADA, WIGMAMA
It was not here yesterday.
MANTIS, NATTY, HORKUL
But it’s here today.
LILLY
(stepping towards the LUMP)
Perhaps it’s a pet for us to love!
(The LUMP growls.)
NEVADA
No, Lilly!
(LILLY stops. The growling stops.)
NEVADA
it does not have fur.
NATTY
And it growls.
WIGMAMA
Perhaps it is angry!
HORKUL
It will bite me on my bottom!
LILLY, NEVADA, WIGMAMA
It’s angry! It’s angry!
MANTIS, NATTY, HORKUL
It will bite us on our bottoms!
(All six of them run about, shrieking out the lines “It’s angry! It’s angry! It will bite us on our bottoms!” until they become exhausted and fall down and snooze, with LILLY, NEVADA, and WIGMAMA on stage left, and MANTIS, NATTY, and HORKUL on stage right. JIBBERJAB, SCRAM, and RASPBERRY ooze out of the LUMP and explore the jaws, noses, eyes, ears, and hair of the last six Murkins. Then, there is a blessed silence.)
End of Act One, Scene 5.
Murkolump by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 1:
(JIBBERJAB, SCRAM, and RASPBERRY form a little tableau at center stage.)
JIBBERJAB
To the south, Scram, and Raspberry…
SCRAM and RASPBERRY
To the south we go, Jibberjab.
(They go stage right)
JIBBERJAB
We will make the Murkins from the south love the Lump!
RASPBERRY and SCRAM
The South Murkins will love the Lump!
JIBBERJAB
Assist me, Scram and Raspberry.
(JIBBERJAB considers what to say.)
JIBBERJAB
Murkins from the south!
SCRAM and RASPBERRY
(moving about amongst the South Murkins)
Murkins from the south!
JIBBERJAB
The Lump is from the sky.
SCRAM and RASPBERRY
The Lump has come down from the sky…
JIBBERJAB
A gift from the gods.
SCRAM and RASPBERRY
The Lump is a gift from the gods.
JIBBERJAB
You must pray…
SCRAM
You must pray to the Lump.
RASPBERRY
You must pray every day.
SCRAM
And then the Lump will bring you good fortune.
RASPBERRY
Health, wealth, and happiness will be yours…
JIBBERJAB, SCRAM, RASPBERRY
Pray to the Lump every day and health, wealth, and happiness will be yours!
JIBBERJAB
Protect the Lump!
SCRAM
You must protect the Lump with your lives!
RASPBERRY
Defend the Lump or die!
JIBBERJAB
Love the Lump!
SCRAM
If you love the Lump, the Lump will love you!
JIBBERJAB, SCRAM, RASPBERRY
If you love the Lump, the Lump will love you!
THE SOUTH MURKINS
(mumbling in their sleep)
Love the Lump, and the Lump will love us.
JIBBERJAB
Fail to love the Lump, and the Lump will be angry.
RASPBERRY
If you do not love the Lump, the Lump will destroy you!
JIBBERJAB, SCRAM, RASPBERRY
If you do not love the Lump, the Lump will destroy you!
THE SOUTH MURKINS
(mumbling in their sleep)
Love the lump or be destroyed!
JIBBERJAB
To the north, Scram and Raspberry!
SCRAM and RASPBERRY
To the north we go, Jibberjab!
(They cross to stage left.)
JIBBERJAB
We will make the Murkins from the north hate the Lump!
SCRAM and RASPBERRY
The North Murkins will hate the Lump!
JIBBERJAB
Proceed, Scram and Raspberry.
SCRAM and RASPBERRY
(moving about amongst the North Murkins)
Murkins from the North!
JIBBERJAB
Murkins from the North! The Lump is from the fires below!
SCRAM and RASPBERRY
The Lump is from the fires below…
JIBBERJAB
A gift of evil…
SCRAM and RASPBERRY
The Lump is cursed with evil.
JIBBERJAB
Fear it and hate it.
SCRAM
You must fear the Lump.
RASPBERRY
You must hate the Lump.
SCRAM
The Lump will bring you misfortune.
RASPBERRY
The Lump will bring you sickness, poverty, and unhappiness…
JIBBERJAB, SCRAM, RASPBERRY
The Lump brings only sickness, poverty, and unhappiness…
SCRAM
You must hate and fear the Lump!
RASPBERRY
Hate and fear the Lump!
SCRAM
Hate and fear the Lump, for the Lump wants to destroy you!
JIBBERJAB, SCRAM, RASPBERRY
Hate the Lump because the Lump hates you!
THE SOUTH MURKINS
(mumbling in their sleep)
Hate the Lump because the Lump hates us!
RASPBERRY
But if you do not hate the Lump, the Lump will destroy you!
JIBBERJAB, SCRAM, RASPBERRY
If you do not hate the Lump, the Lump will destroy you!
THE SOUTH MURKINS
(mumbling in their sleep)
Hate the Lump or be destroyed!
JIBBERJAB
We have planted the seeds of our success in their weak and stupid minds!
SCRAM and RASPBERRY
Weak and stupid! Weak and stupid!
(The LUMPKINS jump about joyfully and retreat into the LUMP.)
End of Act Two, Scene 1.
Murkolump by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 2:
(The NORTH MURKINS revive, groggily sitting up and rubbing the sleep from their eyes, stretching, yawning, etc. TURNIP, NINNY, and SHOOFLY are first to remember the LUMP. They look at it, jump up, and rush together for mutual support. The other North Murkins stare at them.)
TURNIP
The Lump! It hates us!
NINNY
I can feel the hate coming out of it’s skin.
SHOOFLY
The Lump is a thing from hell!
(BUSTER, GRUMP, and KEEKEE now look at the LUMP, and they two jump up and rush together for mutual support.)
BUSTER
What a horrible Lump!
GRUMP
It wants to make us sick!
KEEKEE
I can feel it’s poisonous vapours rotting my brain!
(MUFFLE, GROTO, and CLUMP now look at the LUMP, jump up, and rush together.)
MUFFLE
That Lump wants to make us poor!
GROTO
It wants our food, clothing, and shelter!
CLUMP
I can feel it’s nasty energy eating away at the fabric of my pantaloons!
(MANTI.S, NATTY, and HORKUL now look at the LUMP, jump up, and rush together)
MANTIS
The Lump wants to make us sick!
NATTY
It wants to make us poor!
HORKUL
It wants to make us unhappy!
MANTIS NATTY, and HORKUL
The Lump hates us!
ALL THE NORTH MURKINS
And we hate the Lump!
SHOOFLY
We need a leader to help us fight the Lump!
NINNY
We need a leader keep us strong!
TURNIP
I will be the leader!
ALL THE NORTH MURKINS
Hurray! Hurray! Hurray for Turnip!
SHOOFLY and NINNY
Our Great Leader!
ALL THE NORTH MURKINS
Hurray for Turnip, Our Great Leader!
TURNIP
I will lead our fight against the Lump!
SHOOFLY and NINNY
Turnip! Turnip! Turnip will save us!
ALL THE NORTH MURKINS
Long live Turnip! Long live North Murko! Down with the Lump!
(They start marching on the spot, and TURNIP leads them all offstage.)
End of Act Two, Scene 2.
Murkolump by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 3:
(The SOUTH MURKINS begin to revive, groggily stretching, yawning, and sitting up. DITHER, SHIVER, and DONK are first to remember and notice the LUMP. They jump up into kneeling positions to show their humility before the almighty LUMP.)
DITHER
Lump! It loves us!
SHIVER
I can feel its love radiating towards me!
DONK
The Lump is a gift from the sky!
(LULU, HORSE and TINSEL now kneel before the almighty LUMP.)
LULU
What a lovely Lump!
HORSE
It wants to make us healthy and strong!
TINSEL
Feel the soft, healing rays from the lovely, lovely Lump!
(BARK, CUSHION, and CODBOD now kneel before the LUMP.)
BARK
The Lump wants to make us wealthy!
CUSHION
It wants us to have an abundance of food, clothing, and shelter!
CODBOD
I can feel the Lump’s loving radiance making my flimsy pantaloons stronger!
(LILLY, Venada, and WIGMAMA now kneel before the LUMP.)
LILLY
The Lump will make us healthy!
NEVADA
The Lump will make us wealthy!
WIGMAMA
The Lump will make us happy!
LILLY, NEVADA, and WIGMAMA
The Lump loves us!
ALL THE SOUTH MURKINS
And we love the Lump!
SHIVER
We need a leader to help us love the Lump!
DONK
We need a leader keep us strong in our love!
DITHER
I will be the leader!
ALL THE SOUTH MURKINS
Hurray! Hurray! Hurray for Dither!
SHIVER and DONK
Our Great Leader!
ALL THE SOUTH MURKINS
Hurray for Dither, Our Great Leader!
DITHER
I will lead us in our great struggle to love the Lump!
SHIVER and DONK
Dither! Dither! Dither will make us love the Lump!
ALL THE SOUTH MURKINS
Long live Dither! Long live South Murko! Long live the Lump!
(They start marching on the spot, and TURNIP leads them all offstage.)
End of Act Two, Scene 3.
Murkolump by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 4:
(JIBBERJAB, SCRAM, and RASPBERRY emanate out of the LUMP.)
JIBBERJAB
They have taken sides.
SCRAM
The North Murkans hate the Lump.
RASPBERRY
The South Murkans love the Lump.
JIBBERJAB
Now they will fight.
SCRAM And fighting will sap their strength.
RASPBERRY
Their weakness will become our strength.
(They execute an excited dance and retreat into the LUMP. LILLY, NEVADA, and WIGMAMA enter reverently, and kneel before the LUMP.)
LILLY
Oh, Great Lump, I love you with all my heart!
NEVADA
I know you will protect me, Almighty Lump!
WIGMAMA
All that is good comes from you, Lovely Lump!
(They in a trance of devotion to the LUMP as MANTIS, NATTY, and HORKUL enter warily.)
MANTIS
Why do you kneel before the Lump?
NATTY
Don’t you know it’s dangerous?
HORKUL
The Lump is a thing of evil.
LILLY
How dare you speak that way?
NEVADA
The Lump loves us all!
WIGMAMA
Our Great Leader will punish you for your rudeness!
MANTIS
No, Our Great Leader will punish you for saying the Lump loves us!
NATTY
The Lump hates us!
HORKUL
If you love the Lump, then you must hate us!
MANTIS, NATTY, HORKUL
We are going to tell Our Great Leader what you have done!
(They exit.)
LILLY, NEVADA, WIGMAMA
(shouting at them as they exit)
We will tell Our Great Leader what you have done!
(They exit. JIBBERJAB, SCRAM, and RASPBERRY run out, laughing excitedly, and making congratulatory gestures to one another, then retreating into the lump.)
End of Act Two, Scene 4.
Murkolump by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 5:
(MUFFLE, GROTO, and CLUMP enter warily, looking at the LUMP with fear and hate.)
MUFFLE
The Lump hates us.
GROTO
It’s such a big, bad Lump.
CLUMP
Look at it…sweating out evil from every pore.
MUFFLE
I wish I could kick it to pieces!
GROTO
I wish I could smash it to bits!
CLUMP
I wish I could roll it into a filthy ball of putrid pulp!
(BARK, CUSHION, and CODBOD enter.)
BARK
Muffle, Groto, and Clump….why are you shouting at our wonderful Lump?
CUSHION
How could you be so mean to such a lovely Lump?
CODBOD
You should pray to the Lump from the sky, not curse it!
MUFFLE
Fools! The Lump is from the evil below, not the goodness above!
GROTO
If you pray to the Lump, it will become stronger.
CLUMP
And if it becomes stronger, it will destroy us faster!
MUFFLE
We will tell Our Great Leader what you have done!
GROTO
Our Great Leader will punish you!
CLUMP
Our Great Leader will teach you a lesson you will never forget!
(CLUMP, MUFFLE, and GROTO exit.)
BARK
Those North Murkins think the Lump is evil!
CUSHION
How could they make such an awful mistake!
CODBOD
They will ruin everything!
BARK, CUSHION, CODBOD
We must warn Our Great Leader!
(They exit, and JIBBERJAB, SCRAM, and RASPBERRY run out of the LUMP laughing and pointing at the offstage foolish Murkins, then run into the LUMP again.)
End of Act Two, Scene 5.
Murkolump by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 6:
(LULU, HORSE, and TINSEL enter.)
LULU
Behold the lovely Lump!
HORSE
Such a generous and kindly Lump!
TINSEL
Thanks to the Lump, I am healthy, wealthy, and happy!
(They dance about, singing “Lump, Lump, lovely, lovely Lump…we pray to you forever!” BUSTER, GRUMP, and KEEKEE enter.)
BUSTER
How dare you dance for that awful Lump?
(The SOUTH MURKINS stop dancing.)
GRUMP
How dare you encourage its evil ways?
KEEKEE
Friends of the Lump are no friends of ours!
LULU
Do not speak such awful words in front of our Lump!
HORSE
You will ruin our good fortune!
TINSEL
You will cause nothing but trouble for us all!
BUSTER
That evil Lump has taken over your silly South Murkin brains!
GRUMP
The Lump is using you as agents of evil.
KEEKEE
We will tell Our Great Leader!
BUSTER, GRUMP, KEEKEE
You must be stopped before it’s too late!
LULU
No! We will tell Our Great Leader all about your hatred of the Lump!
HORSE
You North Murkins are a danger to us all!
TINSEL
Our Great Leader will soon put a stop to your nonsense!
LULU, HORSE, TINSEL
Love the Lump or die!
(They exit.)
BUSTER
Those South Murkins think the Lump is lovely!
GRUMP
How could they make such a tragic mistake?
KEEKEE
They will send us straight to the evil below!
BUSTER, GRUMP, KEEKEE
We must warn Our Great Leader!
(They exit. JIBBERJAB, SCRAM, and RASPBERRY emerge from the lump and roll around laughing and laughing, then go back in the LUMP.)
End of Act Two, Scene 6.
Murkolump by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 7:
(TURNIP, NINNY, and SHOOFLY enter.)
TURNIP
Look at that evil Lump.
NINNY
It has turned the South Murkins into mindless slaves.
SHOOFLY
What are you going to do, Turnip?
TURNIP
I am the Great Leader of the North Murkins.
NINNY and SHOOFLY
(kneeling before TURNIP)
Our Great Leader!
TURNIP
Therefore, I will lead!
NINNY
But what exactly are you going to do, Turnip?
SHOOFLY
How will you stop the South Murkins from loving the evil Lump?
TURNIP
I will go to sleep and have a dream that will show me what to do.
(TURNIP lies down and snoozes.)
NINNY
I will go to sleep, too. Perhaps I will have a better dream than Turnip.
(NINNY lies down and snoozes.)
SHOOFLY
I will sleep, too. Perhaps I will have the best dream of all!
(SHOOFLY lies down and snoozes. DITHER, SHIVER, and DONK enter.)
DITHER
Look! Those nasty South Murkins are snoozing in the presence of our wonderful Lump.
SHIVER
They insult our Lump and endanger us all!
DONK
What are you going to do, Dither?
DITHER
I am the Great Leader of the South Murkins.
SHIVER and DONK
(kneeling before DITHER)
Our Great Leader.
DITHER
Therefore, I shall lead.
SHIVER
But what exactly are you going to do, Dither?
DONK
How will you stop the North Murkins from insulting our Lovely Lump?
DITHER
I will go to sleep and have a dream that will show me what to do.
(DITHER lies down and snoozes.)
SHIVER
I will go to sleep, too. Perhaps I will have a better dream than Dither.
(SHIVER lies down and snoozes.)
DONK
I will sleep, too. Perhaps I will have the best dream of all!
(DONK lies down and snoozes.)
End of Act Two, Scene 7.
Murkolump by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 8:
(JIBBERJAB, SCRAM, and RASPBERRY enter)
JIBBERJAB
They snooze, the fools.
SCRAM
We will set their brains ablaze.
RASPBERRY
We will fill them full of ambition!
JIBBERJAB
(to the sleeping DITHER)
Shiver and Donk will steal your power!
DITHER
(moaning in his snoozing)
No! No! They will not succeed!
SCRAM and RASPBERRY
(to the sleeping TURNIP)
Ninny and Shoofly will steal your power!
TURNIP
(moaning in her snoozing)
Never! Never! I will kill them first!
JIBBERJAB
(to the sleeping NINNY and SHOOFLY)
One of you must become the new leader of the North Murkins. Which one? Which one?
NINNY
(moaning in her snoozing)
Me! Me! I am destined to lead!
SHOOFLY
(moaning in his snoozing)
I am the one! I am chosen by destiny to lead the North Murkins!
SCRAM and RASPBERRY
(to the sleeping SHIVER and DONK)
One of you must become the new leader of the South Murkins. Which one? Which one?
SHIVER
(moaning in his snoozing)
I must ascend to the top of the heap and lead South Murko to glory!
DONK
(moaning in his snoozing)
My destiny is to lead all of South Murko in the great crusade to defend the Lump!
JIBBERJAB
We have planted well, my fellow Lumpkins, we have planted well.
SCRAM
The little fetus of naked ambition grows quickly.
RASPBERRY
Soon they will be at each other’s throats!
(Laughing gleefully, JIBBERJAB, SCRAM, and RASPBERRY retreat to their LUMP.)
End of Act Two, Scene 8.
Murkolump by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 9:
(The NORTH MURKINS enter and form a tableau around the snoozing TURNIP, NINNY, and SHOOFLY. The SOUTH MURKINS enter and form a tableau around DITHER, SHIVER, and DONK.)
BUSTER
Turnip, Ninny, and Shoofly are asleep.
LULU
Dither, Shiver, and Donk are snoozing.
GRUMP
Our Great Leader and her two lieutenants, collapsed upon the ground.
HORSE
Our Great Leader and his two ministers, prostrate upon the earth.
KEEKEE
And just over yonder lurk our enemies, the Lump-loving South Murkins.
TINSEL
And just a stone’s throw away lurk our foes, the Lump-hating North Murkins.
MUFFLE
Who will lead us in the fight?
BARK
Who will detail the strategems of victory?
CUSHION
Who will inspire our courage?
GROTO
Who will bolster our spirits in the face of the remorseless enemy?
CODBOD
Who will drive us forward through the fiery gates of war?
CLUMP
Who will give us the courage to die for our cause?
LILLY
Leaders should not snooze.
MANTIS
Leaders should lead.
NEVADA
Leaders should not pamper themselves.
NATTY
Leaders should nurture their minions.
WIGMAMA
Leaders should not seek personal pleasure.
HORKUL
Leaders should sacrifice themselves on the altar of public service.
THE SOUTH MURKINS
Arise, arise, and lead us to war!
THE NORTH MURKINS
Arise, arise, the enemy is at the gates!
(DITHER, SHIVER, and DONK get up, as do TURNIP, NINNY, and SHOOFLY.)
DITHER
What’s going on?
TURNIP
Are we being attacked?
SHIVER
Dither, you are not fit to lead!
NINNY
Turnip, you must abdicate in my favour!
DONK
Dither and Shiver, yield to Donk, the true Great Leader of the South Murkins.
SHOOFLY
Turnip and Ninny, step aside and let Shoofly take the reins of power and guide the North Murkins to everlasting greatness!
DITHER
Who stands with me?
LULU, HORSE, and TINSEL
We do! We do!
TURNIP
Who will follow me to greatness!
BUSTER, GRUMP, and KEEKEE
We will! We will!
SHIVER
Who will join me in the triumphant ascendancy of North Murko?
BARK, CUSHION, and CODBOD
We shall join! We shall join!
NINNY
Who will accept my brilliant leadership on this glorious morn?
MUFFLE, GROTO, and CLUMP
Lead us, lead us, our wonderful Ninny!
DONK
Who among you chooses to align your fortunes with mine?
LILLY, NEVADA, WIGMAMA
Our fortunes are welded to yours, magnificent Donk!
SHOOFLY
Who will unite with me in the great alliance to defeat all who oppose us?
MANTIS, NATTY, and HORKUL
We are with you, Shoofly, to the end, to the bitter end!
(Two civil wars now ensue, with the SOUTH MURKINS battling each other, and the NORTH MURKINS battling each other. At the end, the surviving NORTH MURKINS are SHOOFLY, MANTIS, NATTY, and HORKUL. The surviving SOUTH MURKINS are SHIVER, BARK, CUSHION, and CODBOD. The face each other warily.)
End of Act Two, Scene 9.
Murkolump by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 10:
SHOOFLY
I am the victorious leader of the North Murkins.
MANTIS
All the traitors are dead.
NATTY
We have made them pay for their treachery.
HORKUL
And now we will follow Shoofly to the grave if necessary in the struggle to destroy the Lump-loving lapdogs of South Murko.
SHIVER
It is my destiny to lead South Murko.
BARK
We have destroyed the doubters and the faithless.
CUSHION
We have purged South Murko of the timid and the weak.
CODBOD
And with Shiver to lead us, we will purge the land of those despicable, Lump-hating North Murkins once and for all!
(The two opposing groups throw themselves at each other, and the only survivors are MANTIS and NATTY.)
MANTIS
North Murko has won!
NATTY
The evil Lump-lovers are all dead!
MANTIS
Now I will be the Great Leader of South Murko!
NATTY
No, I will lead! I will lead!
(They struggle to the death. While they are doing so, JIBBERJAB, SCRAM, and RASPBERRY come out of the LUMP and watch, giggling happily. Finally, MANTIS is killed and NATTY stands surrounded by the carnage of the wars.)
NATTY
I am the winner! I am the winner!
JIBBERJAB
Enjoy it while you can, my little idiot.
SCRAM Your time is brief.
RASPBERRY
Savour the moment.
(They close in on NATTY and destroy her, laughing as they do so, then step back to enjoy their handiwork.)
JIBBERJAB
Loving the Lump and hating the Lump is the same thing.
SCRAM
Their mistake was to believe in the existence of the Lump, good or bad.
RASPBERRY
They fought to defend what they loved, and to defeat what they hated.
JIBBERJAB
But the thing they loved and the thing they hated was nothing at all.
SCRAM
And yet they died fighting over it.
RASPBERRY
And now we have plenty to eat.
JIBBERJAB
And once that is gone, we will move on to another land.
SCRAM
And we will once again place the Lump in their midst.
RASPBERRY
And they will once again fight and die.
JIBBERJAB
And we will eat. And we will eat.
(They proceed to kneel before the bodies of the dead Murkins and to pick up limbs to bite into.)
END OF PLAY.