Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2003
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 35 minutes
• style: commedia dell’arte
• suitable for general audiences
• 23 characters (gender flexible)
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• “Pantalone Throws a Fit” is a commedia dell’arte romp about the shenanigans of Pantalone’s servant Arlecchino as he takes advantage of his master’s hypochondria. A lot of wild buffoonery takes place, but all ends well.
(This play was first performed in January, 2002, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
∗ Published Online by Good School Plays, February 19, 2019.
Go to:
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Scene 5
Scene 6
Scene 7
Scene 8
Scene 9
CHARACTERS:
Pantalone (Panta-low-nee), a miserly old man
Smeraldina (Smer-al-dee-nah), Pantalone’s wife
Isabella, daughter of Pantalone, in love with Oratio
Franceschine (Fran-che-sheena), Isabella’s maidservant
Vittoria (Vit-or-ee-a), Pantalone’s nurse
Arlecchino (Ar-luck-ee-no), Pantalone’s servant
Dottore (Dot-or-ee), a quack doctor and friend of Pantalone
Maria, servant of Dottore
Brighella (Brig-ella) the greedy servant of Dottore
Oratio (Or-ay-show), a young student, in love with Isabella
Belloza (Bell-oh-za), Oratio’s maidservant
Capitano (Cap-it-an-o), a cowardly soldier
Columbina (Col-um-bee-na), servant of Capitano and lover of Arlecchino
Father Gratiano (Gray-shee-ah-no), a priest
Martinella (Mart-in-ella), Father Gratiano’s maidservant
Pedrolino (Ped-roe-lee-no), a beggar
Pulcinella (Pulch-in-ella), a peasant
Ruffiana (Ruff-ee-anna), a bullying woman
Fiametta (Fee-a-metta) a meat vendor
Lisabetta (Lee-sa-bet-a), a fruit vendor
Antonia, a vegetable vendor
Catalina, a fish vendor
Chola (Cho-la), a baker
Pantalone Throws a Fit by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 1:
(Enter: PANTALONE, and his wife SMERALDINA.)
PANTALONE
Oh, Smeraldina, my wife, I am so sick! My gut is on fire, my nose runs like a river, and I cannot feel my legs!
SMERALDINA
Pantalone, perhaps you are dying! You look as pale as a fish belly!
PANTALONE
Oh my God! Call my nurse at once, Smeraldina.
SMERALDINA
Vittoria! Vittoria.
VITTORIA
(hollering, offstage)
Yes, Madam?
SMERALDINA
Quick, see to Pantalone. He is dying!
VITTORIA
(entering)
That is easily fixed. I am his nurse, am I not?
(VITTORIA performs the Heimlich manoeuvre on PANTALONE, who coughs loudly. Then she throws him on the ground and performs a series of short, fast karate chops on his back. Finally, she pulls him to his feet, spins him around three times, bends him, and rolls him forward in a somersault. He lies on the floor, groaning.)
VITTORIA
There. Better?
PANTALONE
Worse! Much worse!
SMERALDINA
We better call the Dottore, Vittoria. Pantalone is still at death’s door!
VITTORIA
Yes. He is beyond my help. Arlecchino! Arlecchino!
(ARLECCHINO enters.)
ARLECCHINO
Yes, Vittoria?
VITTORIA
Our master Pantalone is dying! Please fetch the Dottore!
ARLECCHINO
Dying, is he? Let’s see.
(ARLECCHINO goes to PANTALONE, and pulls up his eyelids.)
ARLECCHINO
This is bad. He will be dead within the hour unless he gives me all the silver coins in his pocket!
PANTALONE
All the silver coins in my pocket? Why must I give you all the coins in my pocket?
SMEWRALDINA and VITTORIA
(together)
Why must he give you the coins in his pocket!!
ARLECCHINO
All that silver in his pocket is poisoning him! Yes, poisoning his spleen! If I put it in my pocket, the poison will be transferred to me!
PANTALONE
Here, then, take the coins, every one of them.
(handing over some silver coins)
You are very brave, Arlecchino, to poison yourself to save me!
ARLECCHINO
Yes, I am brave. Now I will fetch the dottore!
(ARLECCHINO exits.)
PANTALONE
Smeraldina! Smeraldina! Take me to my bed, my wife!
SMERALDINA
But Pantalone, surely you are not well enough to make love?
VITTORIA
Do not worry, Smeraldina. As his nurse, I assure you he is completely unable to rise to the occasion!
PANTALONE
Ahhh, I was young once, but now I am old and sick and wretched and no one loves me!
(PANTALONE starts to cry as SMERALDINA and VITTORIA exit with him.)
Pantalone Throws a Fit by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 2:
(Pantalone’s daughter ISABELLA enters with her servant FRANCESCHINA, accompanie by ORATIO and his servant BELLOZA.)
BELLOZA
Do not forget, Master, you have a meeting to attend!
ORATIO
Ah, yes, Belloza, the meeting. And now, Isabella, I must go. Your Latin lesson is over.
ISABELLA
No, Oratio, do not go. Teach me some more Latin. Tell me how to say, “I love you.”
BELLOZA
Do not forget, Master, you have a meeting to attend!
ORATIO
Ah, yes, Belloza, the meeting. Perhaps tomorrow, Isabella, I will teach you how to say, “I love you”. Now I have to hurry to the university to meet with the professories.
(ORATIO exits.)
BELLOZA
Do not forget, Master, you have a meeting to attend!
FRANCESCHINA
Your master has already left for the meeting, Berloza.
BELLOZA
Ah yes, the meeting.
(BELLOZA exits, calling out as she goes.)
BELLOZA
Do not forget, Master! You have a meeting to attend!
ISABELLA
Oh, Franceschina! I must marry Oratio! I love him more than life itself!
FRANCESCHINA
Pantalone will never allow his daughter to marry a poor student, Isabella.
ISABELLA
Then I will kill myself!
(ISABELLA tries to strangle herself, but FRANCESCHINA stops her.)
FRANCESCHINA
Do not strangle yourself, good lady! No man is worth dying for! All three of my husbands were pigs! They only wanted one thing.
ISABELLA
Oh, Franceschina, Oratio is not a pig! He is pure and virtuous and he bathes twice a day. I must have him!
(ISABELLA exits.)
FRANCESCHINA
(as she exits, shouting to ISABELLA)
Only a man who is filthy bathes twice a day, my lady!
Pantalone Throws a Fit by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 3:
(FIAMETTA, LISABETTA, ANTONIA, CATALINA, and CHOLA, the market women, enter, carrrying their baskets of wares.)
FIAMETTA
Get your meat here! Fresh, red meat! Just killed this morning!
LISABETTA
Fruit! Fruit! Ripe and plump! Try a bite…you’ll see!
ANTONIA
Vegetables! Vegetables! Fresh from the fields! Grown in the finest manure!
CATALINA
Come buy my fish! So fresh they’re still wiggling! Let ‘em wiggle in your belly!
CHOLA
Hot buns! Soft rolls! Cupcakes and cookies and chocolate pies! C’mon people, give ‘em a try!
(ARLECCHINO enters. The MARKET WOMEN compete for his attention.)
FIAMETTA
Arlecchino! Have a chop!
LISABETTA
No, try a plump and tasty peach!
ANTONIA
Ignore them, Arlecchino! You know you want my potatoes!
CATALINA
Arlecchino! I have a halibut for you!
CHOLA
No! No! Arlecchino…I’m the sweetest of them all! Have a cookie!
ARLECCHINO
Sorry, ladies. I have to fetch the Dottore!
ALL FOUR MARKET WOMEN
(in unison)
The Dottore! Alas! Someone is dying!
ARLECCHINO
No. It is only Pantalone. He thinks he’s sick again.
ALL FOUR MARKET WOMEN
(in unison)
It is only Pantalone! Ha! Ha! Ha! The old fool!
ARLECCHINO
Look! Isn’t that Oratio over there?
FIAMETTA
Oh, look! Oratio! He is so handsome!
LISABETTA
So strong!
ANTONIA
So gentle and kind!
CATALINA
So intelligent!
CHOLA
Even better than you, Arlecchino!
ALL FOUR MARKET WOMEN
(in unison)
Oratio! Oratio! Yoo-hoo, Oratio!
(The MARKET WOMEN put down their baskets and rush off to see ORATIO.)
ARLECCHINO
Now I’ll help myself to their fine food products!
(ARLECCHINO steals many items, hiding them in his shirt, and exits. The MARKET WOMEN run back in.)
THE MARKET WOMEN
(in unison)
Our baskets! Our baskets! We almost forgot our baskets!
(They pick up their baskets, not noticing the missing wares.)
THE MARKET WOMEN
(in unison, waving to ORATIO, who is offstage)
Oratio, Oratio! Yoohoo, Oratio!
(The MARKET WOMEN exit.)
Pantalone Throws a Fit by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 4:
(PEDROLINO, PULCINELLA, and RUFFIANA, who always carries a stick, enter.)
PEDROLINO
I am so hungry!
PULCINELLA
Why don’t you eat your own fingers, Pedrolino?
PEDROLINO
What a good idea!
(biting his fingers)
Owwww! Yiiiiiiii! My fingers! You tricked me, Pulcinella!
RUFFIANA
You are so stupid, Pedrolino!
PULCINELLA
And you are so ugly, Ruffiana!
RUFFIANA
(threatening PULCINELLA with her stick)
I told you, Pulcinella, never be rude to me!
PULCINELLA
You have no sense of humour, Ruffiana. Very well, I will amuse myself with Pedrolino.
(PULCINELLA pulls PEDROLINO’S hair and throws him on the ground.)
PEDROLINO
(picking himself up wearily)
One day, I shall have my revenge on you, Pulcinella, for the cruelties you inflict on me.
PULCINELLO
Look! Here comes Arlecchino! He has food!
ARLECCHINO
(entering)
Hey, Pedrolina, have a cake!
(ARLECCHINO tosses PEDROLINO a cake.)
PEDROLINO
A cake! You are blessed with God’s generosity, Arlecchino, unlike Pulcinello!
(PEDROLINO sits and gobbles away on the cake.)
RUFFIANA
Where are you going, Arlecchino?
ARLECCHINO
To fetch the Dottore. Pantalone thinks he’s sick again.
PULCINELLA
If he dies, there will be a funeral. And a funeral means a feast! Hurray!
RUFFIANA
Do you have the five silver coins you owe me, Arlecchino?
ARLECCHINO
Of course! Here they are, my dear Ruffiana!
(ARLECCHINO gives her five of the coins he got from Pantalone.)
ARLECCHINO
Pulcinella, where are the five silver coins you owe me?
PULCINELLA
Ruffiana, I owe Arlecchino five coins! Can I borrow them from you?
RUFFIANA
You must pay me back immediately, or I will feel my stick on your backside, Pulcinella!
PULCINELLA
It is a risk I am willing to take.
RUFFIANA
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
(RUFFIANO gives PULCINELLA the five coins.)
PULCINELLA
Here you are, Arlecchino! Five silver coins!
(PULCINELLA gives ARLECCHINO the five silver coins.)
RUFFIANA
You owe me five coins, Pulcinella! Pay me right now!
PULCINELLA
Arlecchino, can I borrow five silver coins from you?
ARLECCHINO
No.
(RUFFIANA grabs PULCINELLA and raises her stick.)
RUFFIANA
I gave you fair warning, Pulcinella!
PULCINELLA
You can’t beat me if I’m not here!
(PULCINELLA breaks free and runs off.)
RUFFIANA
(shouting)
So you’ll pay your debt to Arlecchino, Pulcinella, but not to me! We’ll see about that!
(RUFFIANA runs offstage, pursuing PULCINELLA.)
PEDROLINO
Thank you for the cake, Arlecchino, and for getting the better of Pulcinella. You are indeed blessed by God!
(shouting to RUFFIANA)
Wait for me! I want to pummel Pulcinella too! I shall have my revenge!
(PEDROLINA hurries offstage, running after RUFFIANA and PULCINELLA.)
ARLECCHINO
Now I must hurry to the Dottore’s house!
(ARELCCHINO exits.)
Pantalone Throws a Fit by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 5:
(FATHER GRATIANO and his servant MARTINELLA enter.)
FATHER GRATIANO
Ah, Martinella, my loyal servant, such a fine day for a walk!
MARTINELLA
Yes, Father Gratiano. It is a shame you cannot bend your knees.
FATHER GRATIANO
Yes, Martinella, even as a baby I could not bend my knees. But God loves me anyway.
MARTINELLA
Yes, Father Gratiano, and you love God. Look, here comes Arlecchino!
ARLECCHINO
(entering)
Ah, Father Gratiano! Perhaps you would like to bless me?
(ARLECCHINO bends down very low, so it is impossible for FATHER GRATIANO to bless him, despite his best efforts to do so. ARLECCHINO chuckles to himself.)
FATHER GRATIANO
My legs! I cannot reach you to bless you, Arlecchino!
(ARLECCHINO straightens up.)
ARLECCHINO
Then God must have already done it for you, no?
FATHER GRATIANO
You’re a clever one, Arlecchino. Where are you going?
ARLECCHINO
To fetch the Dottore. Pantalone thinks he is dying.
MARTINELLA
Pantalone always thinks he is dying.
FATHER GRATIANO
If Pantalone thinks he is dying, perhaps he’ll will all his money to the church so he can go to heaven!
ARLECCHINO
Perhaps, especially if you make a donation toward his doctor’s bills!
FATHER GRATIANO
How very clever of you Arlecchino! Martinella, give Arlecchino ten silver coins from the beggars’ fund!
MARTINELLA
(handing over ten silver coins to ARLECCHINO)
But Father Gratiano, how will we buy food for the beggars if Arlecchino takes the money?
ARLECCHINO
The beggars may go hungry today, but after Pantalone leaves all his money to the church in his will, they will feast for a hundred years!
FATHER GRATIANO
A hundred years! Oh, Arlecchino, I am so grateful to you! Martinella, give Arlecchino ten coins from the orphans’ fund!
MARTINELLA
But Father Gratiano, the orphans need blankets to keep warm!
ARLECCHINO
The orphans may be cold today, but just think how many little warm jackets they will get after Pantalone dies!
FATHER GRATIANO
Little warm jackets! Quick, Martinella, give Arlecchino the ten coins!
MARTINELLA
Very well, Father Gratiano. Who am I to resist God’s grand designs? Here you are, Arlecchino.
(MARTINELLA gives ARLECCHINO ten more silver coins.)
FATHER GRATIANO
Now we must continue our walk, even though I cannot bend my knees. Ah, it feels so good to be doing the work of the Lord! Let us go to Pantalone’s. Oh, what if he is dead already, before he has changed his will?
(FATHER GRATIANO hurries off.)
MARTINELLA
You’re a sly one, Arlecchino. Are you sure it’s God who blessed you? Maybe it was the Devil.
(MARTINELLA exits.)
ARLECCHINO
Twenty silver coins! Enough to have a week-long party with my girlfriend Columbina!
(ARLECCHINO exits.)
Pantalone Throws a Fit by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 6:
(CAPITANO enters and his servant COLUMBINA.)
CAPITANO
Columbina, my servant, I am feeling very brave today.
COLUMBINA
Yes, Capitano, you look very strong and brave today.
CAPITANO
I hope I meet some bandits! I will slay each and every one of them with my trusty sword!
(CAPITANO brandishes his sword.)
COLUMBINA
Oh, yes, Capitano. They will be so frightened of you. They will die with fear in their eyes!
CAPITANO
(swishing his sword around)
I will make them pay for their sins!
COLUMBINA
Look! Someone is coming!
CAPITANO
Oh no! He looks terribly large! I would have no chance against such a giant of a man! Oh, Columbina, let me hide behind you!
(CAPITANO huddles behind COLUMBINA.)
COLUMBINA
Capitano, how clever of you to hide behind me! Now you can ambush the giant!
ARLECCHINO
(entering)
Columbina, my love! How beautiful you look today!
COLUMBINA
If you want me to be your love, Arlecchino, you must ask my permission first!
ARLECCHINO
Playing hard to get, hmmmm? I like your spirit, Columbina!
COLUMBINA
Playing hard to get, am I? We’ll see about that!
(COLUMBINA pulls ARLECCHINO forward as if to embrace him, then spins him around and pushes him backward so he trips over CAPITANO.)
CAPITANO
(screaming)
Aieeeee! The giant is attacking me! Save me, Columbina, my loyal servant!
(CAPITANO tries to hide behind COLUMBINA again.)
COLUMBINA
Just give him a few silver coins, Capitano. That will save you…
CAPITANO All right, all right.
(CAPITANO gets some coins from his pocket and throws them to ARLECCHINO.)
CAPITANO
There, I hope that’s enough!
(ARLECCHINO steps forward and begins to pick up the money. CAPITANO screams.)
CAPITANO
Aieeee! The giant is coming closer! Don’t worry, Columbina, I will go for help!
(CAPITANO runs off.)
ARLECCHINO
(picking up the money)
Five silver coins! Thanks, Columbina!
COLUMBINA
Do you think that money was a gift from me to you, Arlecchino? Give me four of those coins.
ARLECCHINO
Four? But then I’ll only get one!
COLUMBINA
Yes, my darling Arlecchino…and a kiss from me!
(COLUMBINA kisses his cheek. ARLECCHINO touches his cheek in wonderment. While he is in this romantic trance, COLUMBINA takes four of the silver coins from his other hand and rushes off.)
ARLECCHINO
(recovering from the kiss and shouting after her)
Columbina! I’m fetching the Dottore for Pantalone! Meet me afterwards, my love! We will have a party together! Columbina? Ah, love is a mystery!
(Shrugging nonchalantly, ARLECCHINO exits.)
Pantalone Throws a Fit by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 7:
(DOTTORI enters with his servants MARIA and BRIGHELLA.)
DOTTORE
No, no, no, Maria. I will not give you any more money. I pay you enough already.
MARIA
But Dottore, I am so valuable to you! You know nothing about medicine, and I know everything! You have a fancy university degree that you bought for many silver coins, but I know how to turn mushrooms into miracle drugs!
BRIGHELLA
(taking MARIA aside and speaking to her so DOTTORE cannot hear)
Leave him to me, Maria. I will get you a raise in pay, if you give me half!
MARIA
Brighella, you are a dog and a villain! But if you can do it, I will give you half my raise!
BRIGHELLA
Watch this!
(approaching DOTTORE)
Dottore, I couldn’t help noticing that you have a slight redness around your neck!
DOTTORE
My neck! Whatever are you talking about, Brighella!
BRIGHELLA
And you appear shorter than usual, as if you had shrunk during the night!
DOTTORE
Shorter? Maria, what is he talking about?
MARIA
(catching on)
Ah, yes, a red neck and definite shrinking! Dottore! Your left leg is quivering!
DOTTORE
My left leg!
(he looks down at his leg)
My God! Perhaps it is quivering! Who am I to say it isn’t? I’m in serious trouble!
BRIGHELLA
It’s a good thing Maria is here, Dottore. I, Brighella, am your loyal servant, but I cannot save you. Only Maria can save you!
DOTTORE
Save me, Maria, for God’s sake! Now my right leg is quivering! And my arms are beginning to shake too! I’m sure of it!
(shouting)
Save me, Maria!
MARIA
About my salary, Dottore…
DOTTORE
Yes, yes, I will give you a raise!
(shouting again)
For the love of God, save me!
MARIA
Very well. Watch my finger.
(MARIA points her finger at his forehead and moves it closer and closer, and finally gives DOTTORE a sharp poke between the eyes. He faints into Brighella’s arms.)
MARIA
That was easy. He’s every bit as suggestible as Pantalone.
BRIGHELLA
(laying DOTTORE on the ground)
Yes. When the old fool recovers, he will think he is cured. Aha! Here comes Arlecchino!
ARLECCHINO
(entering)
Ah, Maria and Brighella! And the Dottore, lying on the ground!
MARIA
Don’t worry, he won’t be there for long!
BRIGHELLA
What do you want, Arlecchino?
ARLECCHINO
Nothing from you, Brighella, you can count on that.
BRIGHELLA
I’m warning you, Arlecchino!
MARIA
Now don’t start fighting! I suppose you’ve come to get Dottore for Pantalone, Arlecchino?
ARLECCHINO
You can read my mind, Maria!
(DOTTORE groans, and looks up at ARLECCHINO.)
ARLECCHINO
Dottore! You must come at once! My master is very ill!
DOTTORE
Then I must go to him immediately! I need to earn some extra cash to pay Maria her new wages! And besides, it will give me a chance to tell him I want to marry his daughter, Isabella!
MARIA
I suppose you will want me to come with you, Dottore?
DOTTORE
Of course, Maria. You are my servant, are you not? Brighella, you run on ahead on your sturdy legs and tell Pantalone we are coming!
(DOTTORE gives BRIGHELLA a coin.)
BRIGHELLA
(biting the coin to see if it’s real silver)
At once, Dottore. I am your servant to command!
(BRIGHELLA runs off.)
DOTTORE
Oh my, I feel so much better now! Let us begin our errand of mercy!
MARIA
That’s the spirit, Dottore. And mercy has its rewards, does it not?
(DOTTORE and MARIA exit with ARLECCHINO.)
Pantalone Throws a Fit by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 8
(Now begins a series of very rapid, frantically paced entries and exits. ORATIO enters with BELLOZA. Both are tired from being pursued by the market women.)
ORATIO
Those women from the market are still chasing me, Belloza! I must get back to Pantalone’s house! There, I will be safe with the beautiful Isabella, who I love!
BELLOZA
We had better hurry, Master. I have never seen women run so fast!
(ORATIO and BELLOZA exit.)
CHOLA
(entering)
Oratio! Oratio! Have a free nibble of my tasty cake! Mmmm, so sweet and good!
(CHOLA exits.)
CATALINA
(entering)
Oratio! Don’t listen to Chola! I, Catalina, have a nice fat fish for you to gobble! Oratio!
(CATALINA exits.)
ANTONIA
(entering)
Oratio! I will give you a pair of juicy tomatoes for just one kiss! Such a good deal for you, Oratio!
(ANTONIA exits.)
LISABETTA
(entering)
Your tomatoes are rotten, Antonia! Oratio, Oratio, try Lisabetta’s tasty mangos! They’re good for your delicate digestion!
(LISABETTA exits.)
FIAMETTA
(entering)
Damn it, Oratio, don’t listen to any of them! You know that meat is the finest reward of all, and I, Fiametta, have so much tender flesh to offer you!
(FIAMETTA exits)
PULCINELLA
(entering quickly)
That Ruffiana will beat me till I am dead! I will run to Pantalone’s house and hide there!
(PULCINELLA exits.)
RUFFIANA
(entering, in a rage)
Pulcinella! When I catch you I will tear your head off! You owe me five silver coins!
(RUFFIANA exits.)
PEDROLINO
(entering)
After Ruffiana strikes Pulcinella and weakens him, I will be able to strike him too! I will make him pay for the thousand times he has tormented me!
(PEDROLINO exits)
FATHER GRATIANO
(entering hurriedly on his stiff legs and calling to MARTINELLA, who is offstage)
Come on, Martinella, we must hurry up and get to Pantalone’s house before he dies!
(FATHER GRATIANO exits.)
MARTINELLA
(entering out of breath)
Wait, Father Gratiano! You will destroy your stiff legs if you continue to hobble at such a fast pace!
(MARTINELLA exits.)
CAPITANO
(entering)
Aieeeeee! A giant is trying to kill my servant Columbina! It is the end of the world! I will go to Pantalone’s house to hide and get others to do the fighting!
(CAPITANO exits.)
COLUMBINA
(entering)
I must stop that silly Capitano before he causes a riot! What a fool he is! But that’s what makes it easy for me to get silver coins from him!
(COLUMBINA exits.)
BRIGHELLA
(entering)
If I hurry, I will have time to tell Pantalone’s daughter Isabella that the Dottore is coming! The Dottore is in love with her, but she is disgusted by him. She will pay me handsomely for warning her!
(BRIGHELLA exits.)
DOTTORE
(entering with MARIA following behind him)
Come on, Maria, don’t dawdle. Pantalone’s money and his lovely daughter await us!
MARIA
But Dottore, you are three times as old as Isabella!
DOTTORE
What does it matter? I am a dottore! A man of science! How can she resist me?
(DOTTORE and MARIA exit.)
ARLECCHINO
(entering in a relaxed way and humming a song)
Well, this ought to be interesting. Everyone’s heading for Pantalone’s house! Won’t he be surprised!
(ARLECCHINO exits.)
Pantalone Throws a Fit by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 9:
(PANTALONE and VITTORIA enter.)
PANTALONE
Oh, I am so sick! You are a useless nurse, Vittoria! Here I am dying, and you do nothing! Oh, when will the Dottore get here!
VITTORIA
I must try one more thing to save you, Pantalone!
(VITTORIA grabs both of PANTALONE’S hands and spins him around her several times. She releases him, and he falls onto the ground, groaning.)
VITTORIA
No, it did not work! It’s all your fault, Pantalone. You’re a terrbile patient!
PANTALONE
(still on the ground, groaning)
Smeraldina! Smeraldina! My wife! My precious wife! Where are you? The world is fading away.
SMERALDINA
(entering with a bowl)
Pantalone! Don’t die yet! You have not finished your bowl of porridge! It is very rude to leave food on your plate!
ISABELLA
(rushing in with FRANCESCHINA and kneeling by PANTALONE to raise his head tenderly)
Father! Father! Don’t die! I must first get your permission to marry Oratio!
PANTALONE
Never! You will not marry that penniless student so long as I have breath in my body!
ISABELLA
(dropping PANTALONE’S head and standing up abruptly)
Then die, you old fool! My love for Oratio is stronger than death!
(ISABELLA weeps hysterically. FRANCESCHINA tries to comfort her.)
FRANCESCHINA
Isabella! Do not cry! All men are little piggies, even Oratio! And his name sounds like a sneeze:
(making a sneezing sound out of ORATIO’S name)
Oratio! Oratio!
SMERALDINA
Enough talk of sneezes and pigs! There is an unfinished porkchop on Pantalone’s dinner plate, and it fills me with shame!
ORATIO
(entering breathlessly with BELLOZA)
Isabella! I love you!
BELLOZA
It is true, Isabella. He talked of nothing else as we rushed over here, pursued by women mad for his love!
ISABELLA
Oh, Oratio, I knew it!
(ISABELLA embraces ORATIO.)
PANTALONE
(roaring)
Argggghhhhh!
(PANTALONE staggers unsteadily over to ORATIO and, tearing him away from ISABELLA, heaves him across the floor. ORATIO falls to the ground, unconscious.)
PANTALONE
There! That will teach that young pup to keep his place! Ohhhh, my heart!
(PANTALONE clasps his heart and falls to his knees.)
FRACESCHINA
Men are such babies, Isabella! Look how Pantalone clasps his heart as though it was eating him alive!
ISABELLA
Father! How could you abuse my beautiful Oratio! I hate you, I hate you!
(ISABELLA rushes to ORATIO, and throws herself down beside him. BELLOZA moves close to ORATIO, standing nearby and clasping her hands in grief.)
BELLOZA
Oh, young master, young master, now you have your heart’s desire, but you are comatose!
SMERALDINA
(going to PANTALONE and holding him)
Oh, Pantalone, how powerful you were! You tossed that boy as though he was a stick for Isabella to fetch!
PANTALONE
Smeraldina! If only I could have finished the porridge and the pork chop!
(PANTALONE lapses into unconsciousness again.)
SMERALDINA
Oh, Pantalone, just think, you are dying at the very peak of your nobility and manliness! What could be finer?
(SMERALDINA holds PANTALONE tenderly.)
CHOLA
(entering)
Oh no, Oratio is dead! Now he will never eat cake again!
CATALINA
(entering)
Oratio! Can it be true? Dead, and in the arms of Pantalone’s daughter! A fat fish will not win his heart now!
ANTONIA
(entering)
Oratio? Oh no, his spirit has ascended to the great compost heap in the sky! How tragic!
LISABETTA
(entering)
What’s this! Oratio on the ground, dead? Oh, if only my mangos were magical, and could make him magnificent again!
FIAMETTA
(entering)
Oratio! I see that you are just a rotting lump, like the chops and steaks I sell. You’re no use to me now. Isabella can have you.
PULCINELLA
(entering)
Pantalone! Save me! Ruffiana is trying to kill me! Oh no! It looks like Pantalone is dead! And that young man too! Madam, save me!
(PULCINELLA hides behind FRANCESCHINA.)
RUFFIANA
(entering)
I’ll get you, Pulcinella! Where are you?
(FRANCESCHINA steps aside.)
FRANCESCHINA
Here he is, Ruffiana, he’s all yours, the little porker!
(RUFFIANA rushes at PULCINELLA and chases him around FRANCESCHINA, until FRANCESCHINA trips PULCINELLA, who collapses on the floor and lies there groaning, and then faints. The MARKET WOMRN clap.)
RUFFIANA
(to FRANCESCHINA)
Madam! It appears you have killed Pulcinella!
FRANCESCHINA
That’s what he gets for squatting behind me, snivelling, snorting, and oinking!
RUFFIANA
(to PULCINELLA)
Now I won’t be able to send you to Hell, Puncinella.
(indicating FRANCESCHINA)
This fine woman has done it for me!
PEDROLINO
(entering)
Pulcinella! I see that you have been weakened! Now I will have my revenge!
(PEDROLINO leaps upon PULCINELLA and attempts to choke him, until CHOLA and ANTONIA drag him off.)
CHOLA
What a handsome young man!
ANTONIA
Yes, he’s almost as good looking as Oratio!
CATALINA, LISBETTA, and FIAMETTA
(in unison, as they join CHOLA and ANTONIA in holding PEDROLINO)
A man! A man! At last we’ve caught a man!
PEDROLINA
My goodness, what a happy turn of fate!
ISABELLA
(weeping over ORATIO)
Oh, Oratio, if only you were alive! That horrible Dottore will be here any moment!
BELLOZA
(rushing to ORATIO and kneeling beside him)
Oh, Oratio, if only you were alive! How will you pay my wages?
SMERALDINA
(weeping over PANTALONE)
Oh, Pantalone, if only you were alive! How will you finish your dinner?
RUFFIANA
(kneeling beside PULCINELLA and weeping over him)
Oh, Pulcinella, if only you were alive! It’s no fun bullying a corpse!
FATHER GRATIANO
(entering with Martinella)
Martinella! We are too late! Pantalone is dead! Now the orphans will never get little warm jackets!
MARTINELLA
And the poor will not feast for a hundred years! Such is the will of God.
CAPITANO
(entering)
Pantalone! Save me from the giant! Pantalone! Oh no, he is dead! The giant has killed him! And these others too! I will pretend to be dead. Perhaps the giant will not notice me!
(CAPITANO collapses onto the floor.)
COLUMBINA
(entering and observing the bodies on the ground)
Capitano! Pantalone! Oratio! Pulcinello! What chaos! It is splendid!
BRIGHELLA
(entering)
Isabella! Isabella! The Dottore is right behind me! Run away quickly!
(holding out his hand to ISABELLA)
That’ll be twenty silver coins please!
BELLOZA
Can you not see she is in grief over the young master?
(BELLOZA grabs BRIGHELLA’S hand and bites it. He yells and withdraws, nursing his hand.)
DOTTORE
(entering with Maria)
Where is Pantalone? Oh no! He is dead! I will no longer be able to bleed him for all his money! But his daughter Isabella still lives!
MARIA
But Dottore, can you not see that she loves another!
DOTTORE
Yes, but the one she loves is also dead! Which leaves me! Hurray!
(DOTTORE does a little dance of joy, as the MARKET WOMEN and PEDROLINO clap and sing along, ending with a cheer.)
ARLECCHINO
(entering)
Dottore! You seem to be enjoying yourself! No wonder…looks like you’ve got lots of patients here!
COLUMBINA
Arlecchino!
(going to him and taking his arm)
Obviously, you have something to do with all of this!
ARLECCHINO
Me? Why Columbina, how could you think such a thing!
DOTTORE
I don’t care about patients.
(going to ISABELLA, taking her hands, and pulling her to a standing position)
Isabella! Marry me! Together, we will make many cute little dottores just like me!
ORATIO
(rising up wrathfully)
Arrrrrrrgghhhhhhhhh!
(shouting)
For love!
(ORATIO charges DOTTORE and hurls him across the stage. FRANCESCHINA catches him in her arms. ISABELLA runs to ORATIO.)
ISABELLA
Oratio! You’re alive and you saved me from that horrible old Dottore!
FRANCESCHINA
Dottore, you old pork pie, how dare you throw yourself into my arms!
(FRANCESCHINA hurls DOTTORE across the stage. CATALINA and FIAMETTA catch him in their arms.)
CATALINA and FIAMETTA
(in unison)
We don’t want him! We don’t want him!
(CATALINA and FIAMETTA hurl DOTTORE across the stage, and he lands in the arms of RUFFIANA.)
RUFFIANA
Hey, he’s not very heavy. And he’s quite rich. If nobody else wants him, I’ll take him. He’ll be dead in a couple of years anyway, and I’ll get all his money!
DOTTORE
Stop! Stop! I don’t want to marry anybody anymore! I just want to go to the nearest wall and have a good pee!
(DOTTORE rushes to a wall and “pees”. EVERYONE ELSE except PANTALONE and PULCINELLO, who are still unconscious, and CAPITANO, who is pretending to be dead, groans in disgust and looks away.)
PULCINELLO
(getting up, rubbing his head)
Oh, my poor noggin!
RUFFIANA
Hey, you’re not dead, Pulcinello! To heck with the Dottore! I’d rather wrestle with you any day!
(RUFFIANA goes up to PULCINELLO, puts him in a friendly headlock, gives him a “noogie”, then lets him go and offers him her arm, which he cheerfully takes.)
PULCINELLO
If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, they say!
PANTALONE
(groaning, slowly becoming conscious)
I have had a terrible nightmare! I dreamed I killed Oratio and the Devil made me burn in Hell!
ISABELLA
Oratio is still alive, Father, and he has something to ask you.
ORATIO
Pantalone, I want to marry Isabella. She is everything to me.
PANTALONE
Take her, take her. I do not want to burn in Hell.
DOTTORE
(rushing to PANTALONE)
Pantalone! Let me make you better!
FATHER GRATIANO
(rushing to PANTALONE)
Pantalone! Remember the church! Give us money, and the Devil will never catch you!
PANTALONE
No! No! I just want to be with my wife Smeraldina. Come to me, my dove!
SMERALDINA
Oh, Pantalone, will you really let Oratio marry Isabella?
PANTALONE
Yes, yes. Not even I, the great Pantalone, can stand in the way of love!
(ISABELLA and ORATIO embrace.)
REST OF CAST
(except CAPITANO, who is still pretending to be dead)
Amore! Amore! Hurray for Pantalone! Hurray for Pantalone!
THE MARKET WOMEN
(in unison)
Come to our market for a feast! Let’s celebrate the marriage!
REST OF CAST
(in unison, except CAPITANO, who still pretends to be dead)
Hurray for the Market Women! Hurray! Hurray!
(EVERYONE exits except ARLECCHINO and COLUMBINA, and CAPITANO, who is still pretending to be dead.)
ARLECCHINO
Columbina, while everyone was so excited, I picked their pockets! I have forty silver coins!
COLUMBINA
Think you’re pretty great, don’t you Arlecchino? I picked their pockets too, and I have fifty silver coins. Well, now we have so much money, maybe we can get married!
ARLECCHINO
Oh no.I love you, Columbina, but we wouldn’t have fun anymore if we got married!
COLUMBINA
In that case, I’ll just take your forty coins…
(grabbing his coins and leaping away from him)
…just because it’s fun. So long, Arlecchino!
(COLUMBINA exits.)
ARLECCHINO
Oh, what are a few coins, when there’s so much fun to be had without them?
(sneaking over to CAPITANO and speaking in a low voice, leaning over him like a giant)
Capitano! Capitano! It is I, the giant! I am going to kill you and devour you!
CAPITANO
(leaps up shrieking)
Aieeeeeee! The giant from hell is going to gobble me up!
(CAPITANO runs off screaming.)
ARLECCHINO
(to audience)
Ahhhh, life is good!
(ARLECCHINO saunters off with his characteristic swagger, perhaps whistling a jaunty melody.)
END OF THE PLAY.