Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2003
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 55 minutes.
• style: comedic parable
• suitable for general audiences
• 27 characters (20 female, 7 male)
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• A group of actors arrive in a village and put on an epic play about a besieged garrison in a desert. The villagers are drawn into the play and their vices and virtues are put to the test.
(This play was first performed on March 27, 28, 31 and April 1, 2, in the year 2003, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
Go to:
Act One, Scene 1
Act One, Scene 2
Act One, Scene 3
Act Two, Scene 1
Act Two, Scene 2
Act Two, Scene 3
Act Two, Scene 4
Act Two, Scene 5
Act Two, Scene 6
Act Two, Scene 7
Act Two, Scene 8
Act Two, Scene 9
Act Two, Scene 10
Act Two, Scene 11
Act Two, Scene 12
Act Two, Scene 13
Act Two, Scene 14
Act Three, Scene 1
Act Three, Scene 2
CHARACTERS:
Gruff, The Leader of the Players/Lieut. Chance/Capt. Champion
Ruff, A Player/Sergeant Luck/Trooper Help
Tuff, A Player/Corporal Fortune/Trooper Saver
Buff, A Player/Private Destiny/Trooper Guardian
Delbo Kortch, the Mayor/Private Hate
Mabby Kortch, the Mayor’s Wife/Dishpan Daisy
Grapple Kortch, the Mayor’s Daughter/Stable Girl Gerty
Inka Kortch, the Mayor’s Daughter/Chamber Pot Chelsea
Waily Gromik, the Mayor’s Cousin/Private Envy
Simmer Gromik, his Wife/Washboard Wanda
Nagga Gromik, their Daughter/Slop Bucket Sally
Ulnora Vessel, a Farmer/Doctor Growgood
Chormella Vessel, a Mother/Private Loyal
Nokky Vessel, her Child/Simple Suzy
Garland Bunby, a Carpenter/Private Staytrue
Numma Bunby, his Wife/Camp Cook Katie
Panoka Bunby, their Granddaughter/Gentle Jenny
Stollia Lekko, a Butcher/Drummer-Girl Donna
Crand Lekko, her Son/ Private Duty
Minty Lekko, her Daughter/Fragile Frankie
Bunstable Chaff, a Fisherman/Private Good
Rezella Chaff, his Wife/Flag-Bearer Betty
Vyoneeta Chaff, their Daughter/Armory Alice
Steely Por, a Blacksmith/Commandant Caroline
Flaxia Por, her Daughter/Piccolo Pixie
Gundrell Nitwitta, a Tavern Keeper/Private Malice
Rouge Nitwitta, her Sister/Private Spite
Providence by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
PROLOGUE:
(The FOUR PLAYERS enter and chant.)
FOUR PLAYERS
Oh, what is an actor, an actor, an actor?
Oh, what is an actor, my poor mother dear?
Why, you are an actor, an actor, an actor,
Why you are an actor, my sweet child, I fear.
Oh are you an actor, an actor, an actor…
Oh are you an actor, my poor mother dear?
Why, yes I’m an actor, an actor, an actor,
Why, yes I’m an actor, my sweet child, I fear.
Are all of us actors, all actors, all actors?
Are all of us actors, my poor mother dear?
Why, yes, we’re all actors, all actors, all actors,
Why, yes, we’re all actors, my sweet child I fear.
(The FOUR PLAYERS take up four positions on the stage.)
End of Prologue.
Providence by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 1:
GRUFF
A long time ago in a place far away
Was a silly little village called Pipkin.
OTHER PLAYERS
Pipkin! Pipkin! A silly little village,
A silly little village called Pipkin!
RUFF
And in the little village was a seedy, greedy mayor,
Who guzzled with his greedy little family.
OTHER PLAYERS
A seedy, greedy mayor! A seedy, greedy mayor!
Who guzzled with his greedy little family.
(DELBO, MABBY, GRAPPLE, and TINKA KORTCH enter chanting and take up their tableau
position.)
THE KORTCHS
Guzzle, guzzle, guzzle, all the wealth of the town.
Guzzle, guzzle, guzzle milk and honey!
Guzzle, guzzle, guzzle, til our guzzle guts burst,
Guzzle, guzzle, guzzle all the money.
TUFF
What was the mayor’s silly sounding name?
OTHER PLAYERS
His silly sounding name was Delbo.
GRAPPLE and TINKA KORTCH
Daddy Daddy Delbo, Daddy Delbo Kortch,
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy Delbo.
BUFF
What was the name of his haughty, naughty wife?
OTHER PLAYERS
His haughty, naughty wife’s name was Mabby.
GRAPPLE and TINKA KORTCH
Mummy,Mummy Mabby, Mummy Mabby Kortch,
Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy Mabby.
GRUFF
What was the name of their horrid little brats?
OTHER PLAYERS
Horrid horrid Grapple and Tinka.
DELBO and MABBY KORTCH
Honey, honey Grapple, honey Grapple Kortch.
Little Baby Cutie Sweetie Tinka.
GRUFF
And the seedy, greedy mayor had a nasty little cousin
Who nuzzled with his nasty little family.
OTHER PLAYERS
A nasty little cousin, a nasty little cousin,
Who nuzzled with his nasty little family.
(WAILY, SIMMER, and NAGGA GROMIK enter chanting, and take up their tableau position.)
THE GROMIKS
Nuzzle, nuzzle, nuzzle, at the Mayor’s pile of gold,
Nuzzle, nuzzle, nuzzle milk and honey.
Nuzzle, nuzzle, nuzzle at the Mayor’s heap of food,
Nuzzle, nuzzle, nuzzle at his money.
RUFF
And what was the cousin’s silly sounding name?
OTHER PLAYERS
His silly sounding name was Waily.
NAGGA GROMIK
Daddy, Daddy Waily, Daddy Waily Grommik!
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy Waily.
TUFF
And what was the name of his dotty, snotty wife?
OTHER PLAYERS
His dotty, snotty, wife’s name was Simmer.
NAGGA GROMIK
Mummy, Mummy Simmer, Mummy Simmer Grommik,
Mummy, Mummy, Mummy Simmer Grommik.
BUFF
And what was the name of their whiny, slimy child?
OTHER PLAYERS
Whiny, slimy, snotty little Nagga.
WAILY and SIMMER GROMIK
Our lovely little Nagga, cutie sweetie Nagga,
Our lovely little cutie sweetie Nagga.
THE FOUR PLAYERS
Don’t forget the Mayor, and his greedy guzzle wife,
And his guzzle guzzle greedy guts children!
(In the following verse, the one being mentioned doesn’t say the line.)
THE KORTCHS
Daddy Daddy Delbo, Daddy Delbo Kortch.
Mummy Mummy Mummy Mummy Mabby.
Honey, honey Grapple, Honey Grapple Kortch.
Little baby cutie sweetie Tinka.
End of Act One, Scene 1.
Providence by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 2:
(A new rhythmic pattern, one..two..three…is established for the next group of villagers.)
GRUFF
In Pikpkin there lived an old granny who farmed.
With daughter and grandchild, they lived arm-in-arm.
OTHER PLAYERS
A granny, a granny, a granny who farmed.
With daughter and grandchild, they lived arm-in-arm.
(The VESSELS enter, chanting, and take up their positions on the stage.)
THE VESSELS
We work and rejoice in the warmth of the sun;
We grow our sweet vegetables all day for fun.
(Each says her name.)
ULNORA
My name is Ulnora.
CHORMELLA
Chormella I am.
NOKKY
And my name is Nokky, the last of their clan.
FULL CAST
(except NOKKY)
And her name is Nokky, the last of their clan.
RUFF
A village needs furniture made out of wood;
A carpenter lived there and did what he could.
OTHER PLAYERS
The carpenter worked to make things out of wood;
His wife and his child tried to help when they could.
(GARLAND, NUMMA, and PANOKA BUNBY enter, chanting, and take up their position on stage.)
THE BUNBYS
We build with the timber we take from the land;
We cut and we nail and we carve and we sand.
(Each says his/her name.)
GARLAND
My name is Garland.
NUMMY
And Nummy I’m called.
PANOKA
My name is Panoka, the youngest of all.
FULL CAST
(except PANOKA)
Her name is Panoka, the youngest of all.
TUFF
The people of Pipkin all loved to eat meat.
A butcher prepared all their lovely meat treats.
OTHER PLAYERS
The butcher worked hard with her sharply honed knives
To keep her two children both fed and alive.
(STOLLIA, CRAND, and MINTY LEKKO enter, chanting, and take up their positions.)
THE LEKKOS
We live in Pipkin and keep a small shop
And all day the meat must be cut and be chopped.
(Each says her name.)
STOLLIA
My name is Stollia.
CRAND
And my name is Crand.
MINTY
And my name is Minty, the girl with small hands.
FULL CAST
And her name is Minty, the girl with small hands.
End of Act One, Scene 2.
Providence by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act One, Scene 3:
(The rhythm changes again.)
BUFF
A river flows by Pipkin and the river’s full of fish.
The fisherman in Pipkin puts a fish in every dish.
OTHER PLAYERS
The fisherman in Pipkin goes a-fishing in his boat
And his wife and lovely daughter help his boat to stay afloat
(BUNSTABLE, REZELLA, and VYONEETA CHAFF enter, chanting, and take their places on the stage.)
THE CHAFFS
Our boat floats on the river and the river’s full of fish
We keep our boat afloat to put a fish in every dish
(Each names him/herself.)
BUNSTABLE
I’m Bunstable, who fishes
REZELLA
I’m Rezella, who’s his wife
VYONEETA
And I am Vyoneeta;
I’m the sunshine of their lives!
FULL CAST
(except VYONEETA)
And she is Vyoneeta;
She’s the sunshine of their lives.
GRUFF
All villages need blacksmiths and Pipkin has one too;
She bends the red hot metal, and cools it til it’s blue.
OTHER PLAYERS
The blacksmith is a wizard with her fire and her tongs,
And works all day with iron while her daughter sings her songs.
(STEELIA and FLEXIA POR enter, chanting, and take their places.)
THE PORS
We make things out of iron and sell them to our friends;
We make the iron hot and pound it til it bends.
(Each names herself.)
STEELIA
My mother called me Steelia and “Steel” is what she meant.
FLEXIA
My mommy called me Flexia ‘cause metal can be bent.
FULL CAST
(except FLEXIA)
Her mommy called her Flexia, ‘cause metal can be bent.
RUFF
When nightime comes a-calling, what do the people do?
They go down to the tavern and have a drink or two.
OTHER PLAYERS
The tavern-keeper’s grumpy, and her sister is too proud;
There’s drinking in their tavern, but fighting’s not allowed.
(GUNDRELLA and ROUGE NITWITTER enter, chanting, and take their places on stage.)
THE NITWITTERS
We serve the people lots of beer and try to get them drunk;
Then we get their money and we put it in our trunk.
(They name themselves.)
GUNDRELLA
I am called Gundrella, and I don’t take any guff.
ROUGE
I’m Rouge and I am beautiful; I’ve got the perfect stuff.
FULL CAST
(except ROUGE)
She’s Rouge. She thinks she’s beautiful and has the perfect stuff.
FULL CAST
A long time ago in place far away
Was a silly little village called Pipkin.
Pipkin! Pipkin! A silly little village!
A silly little village called Pipkin.
End of Scene 3, Act One.
Providence by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 1:
(The FOUR PLAYERS present themselves to the people of Pipkin.)
GRUFF
Good people of Pipkin! We are players, and we wish to perform a play for YOU!
RUFF
And what’s more, there’s absolutely no charge!
TUFF
It’s as free as the whistly wind that whimsically wafts through the willows!
BUFF
A play! Guaranteed to fill your hearts with joy and wonder!
DELBO KORTCH
Well, if it’s free, I don’t see why not.
MABBY KORTCH
Delbo, dear man, my dear, dear Delbo, a free entertainment! But think…what if we made them pay us?
GRAPPLE KORTCH
How clever you are, my mother, my lovely mummy…how clever to make the wandering ragtag actors pay to play!
TINKA KORTCH
I want to watch the funny little actors bumble about, Daddy. Make them bumble for little Tinka, or I’ll scream and scream until I vomit!
DELBO KORTCH
Give us some money, and we’ll let you perform.
GRUFF
Ruff, hand him the sack of valuables. We will pay to play just as he asks.
RUFF
At once, Gruff. Tuff, the sack.
TUFF
Buff, give it up to the stout mayor.
BUFF
Here you are, your portliness.
(He hands over a sack tuffed with valuables.)
WAILY GROMIK
Delbo, my lovely Delbo Kortch, share with your cousin Waily! Give to me a handful of those valuables.
SIMMER GROMIK
Waily, ask more nicely like me.Delbo, delicious Delbo, my lovely sweet man, give to Simmer a taste of those valuables.
NAGGA GROMIK
I will ask more forcibly. Delbo Kortch, the sack should be mine, for I am Nagga, your niece, and you know how you love to spoil me at every opportunity.
ULNORA VESSEL
If only the sack was stuffed with seeds. Perhaps the mayor would share with us, Chormella.
CHORMELLA VESSEL
Nokky, my sweet child, what if the seeds were magic and grew into giant gumdrop trees?
NOLLY VESSEL
Show us what’s in the sack! We must know what that puffiness is all about!
DELBO KORTCH
No! I will look through the sack in secret, so as to avoid a disturbance. Let the play begin!
GRUFF
Very well. First you must become our audience.
(The PEOPLE OF PIPKIN leave their tableaux and form an audience, chanting as they go.)
PEOPLE OF PIPKIN
A play! A play!
And a sack full of valuables!
A play! A play!
This is our lucky day.
End of Act Two, Scene 1.
Providence by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 2:
(GRUFF and the other PLAYERS take up their positions on the stage, donning their uniform shirts.)
GRUFF
What is the name of our garrison in the desert?
OTHER PLAYERS
Duna, Duna, Duna!
RUFF
The cursed sands stretch away into the distance.
TUFF
The sun beats down without mercy.
BUFF
The enemy is watching us, and the water is nearly gone.
GRUFF
The Garrison of Duna is at the mercy of the indifferent desert and the cruel enemy!
THE PLAYERS
Suffering and death are our gloating companions!
GRUFF
(who is now LIEUTENANT CHANCE)
Sergeant Luck!
RUFF
(who from now on is SERGEANT LUCK)
Yes, Lieutenant Chance?
LIEUTENANT CHANCE
Summon the Commandant.
SERGEANT LUCK
At once, sir. Corporal Fortune!
TUFF
(who is now CORPORAL FORTUNE)
Yes, Sergeant Luck?
SERGEANT LUCK
Summon the Commandant.
CORPORAL FORTUNE
At once, sir. Private Destiny!
BUFF
(who is now PRIVATE DESTINY)
Yes, Corporal Fortune?
CORPORAL FORTUNE
Summon the Commandant.
PRIVATE DESTINY
At once, sir.
(pulling STEELY POR from the audience)
Commandant Caroline, Lieutenant Chance must speak with you!
STEELY POR
(who now is COMMANDANT CAROLINE)
Commandant! What a wonderful title! Better than blacksmith. Oh, my throat is dry and the sun is hot.
MAYOR KORTCH
What’s this? The blacksmith has become a commandant!
MABBY KORTCH
Delbo, resist your anger. Tis but a play, and a bad one.
LIEUTENANT CHANCE
Commandant, we have only one day’s water left. What are your orders?
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
Why, the children must come first, of course!
LIEUTENANT CHANCE
Of course. Sergeant Luck, have Private Envy and Private Hate bring forth the last of the water.
SERGEANT LUCK
Corporal Fortune and Private Destiny, carry out the lieutenant’s order.
CORPORAL FORTUNE
Yes, Sergeant.
PRIVATE DESTINY
At once, your Honour.
(They drag DELBO KORTCH and WAILY GROMIK out of the audience, and give them uniform shirts.)
MAYOR KORTCH
(now PRIVATE HATE)
What do you think you’re doing?
WAILY GROMIK
(now PRIVATE ENVY)
Take your hands off me!
LIEUTENANT CHANCE
(slapping each of them hard)
I will not tolerate insubordination! Put on your uniforms. Fetch the water at once, Privates! And you better not try to run away, or you’ll be shot!
PRIVATE HATE
(afraid)
Yes sir. Come along, Waily.
SERGEANT LUCK
(twisting his ear)
You mean Private Envy.
PRIVATE HATE
Owwww! Yes, Sergeant…I mean Private Envy.
(PRIVATES HATE and ENVY exit.)
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
Where are the children, in the name of goodness?
CORPORAL FORTUNE and PRIVATE DESTINY
Here they are!
(They pull NOKKY VESSEL, PANOKA BUNBY, and MINTY LEKKO from the audience and line them up.)
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
Are you thirsty, my sweets?
NOKKY, PANOKA, and MINTY
(who are now SIMPLE SUZY, GENTLE JENNY, and FRAGILE FRANKIE)
Yes, your Honour, more thirsty than a drunk in a jail cell!
LIEUTENANT CHANCE
Rejoice. You shall have the last of the water.
SUZY, JENNY, and FRANKIE
But what about you?
SERGEANT LUCK
We are soldiers of the desert.
CORPORAL FORTUNE
Hardship is our best friend.
SUZY, JENNIE, and FRANKIE
And the others in the garrison?
PRIVATE DESTINY
Let them drink from the fountain of God’s mercy.
(PRIVATE HATE and PRIVATE ENVY enter with a pitiable amount of water.)
PRIVATE HATE
Here is the water.
PRIVATE ENVY
This is all there is.
LIEUTENANT CHANCE
There is dribble on your chins! You have stolen some!
PRIVATE HATE
No! I swear I did not steal! Private Envy spat at me! That’s his nasty juice dribbling on my chin.
PRIVATE ENVY
Lies! Private Hate drank from the gourd, and my mouth drooled at the sight!
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
Place them under arrest!
(CORPORAL FORTUNE and PRIVATE DESTINY hold them)
Summon the soldiers.
SIMMER GROMIK
That blacksmith is being impertinent in the extreme!
MABBY KORTCH
We’ll give her a hiding when the play is over.
SERGEANT LUCK
(pulling REZELLA CHAFF, FLEXIA CHAFF, and STOLLIA LEKKO from the audience, and giving them uniform shirts, a drum, a recorder, and a flag)
Drummer! Piper! Flag Bearer! Put on your uniforms, take your instruments, and summon the troops!
REZELLA, FLEXIA, and STOLIA
(who are now DRUMMER-GRIL DONNA, PICCOLO PIXIE, and FLAG-BEARER BETTY)
At once, Sergeant Luck!
(They take up the flag, drum the drum, and play the pipe as the privates assemble. Each private is pulled from the audience onto the stage. Up go CHORMELLA VESSEL, GARLAND BUNBY, CRAND LEKKO, and BUNSTABLE CHAFF, who are now PRIVATE LOYAL, PRIVATE STAYTRUE, PRIVATE, and PRIVATE GOOD. They line up neatly.)
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
Sound off!
(Each of the privates says his or her name, ie. “PRIVATE LOYAL!” etc.)
LIEUTENANT CHANCE
Commandant, Private Malice and Private Spite are not present.
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
Search them out and bring them here.
(LIEUTENANT CHANCE and SERGEANT LUCK search through the audience of villagers.)
GRAPPLE KORTCH
I hope I’m not one of the missing privates. I don’t like their names.
TINKA KORTCH
Shut up you fool. If we keep still and quiet they won’t pick us.
LIEUTENANT CHANCE
(seizing GUNDRELL NITWITTA, who now becomes PRIVATE MALICE, and giving her a uniform shirt)
Aha! Private Malice! Avoiding duty, hmmmm?
PRIVATE MALICE
No, no, lieutenant. I was praying to God, asking him to protect you from the enemy.
LIEUTENANT CHANCE
It’s wrong to use God as an excuse! Get that uniform on.
(He tosses her into the lineup of troops.)
SERGEANT LUCK
(seizing ROUGE NITWITTA, who now becomes PRIVATE SPITE, and giving her a uniform shirt.)
Into the line, you lazy dog!
PRIVATE SPITE
You’ll bruise my arm, you brute!
SERGEANT LUCK
I’ll tear your bloody arm off your body if you don’t shut up!
(He hurls her into the line.)
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
Now we need Armory Alice and Camp Cook Katie.
LIEUTENANT CHANCE
Of course. Sergeant Luck?
SERGEANT LUCK
(to NUMMA BUNBY and VYONEETA CHAFF, who become CAMP COOK KATIE and ARMORY ALICE)
Come along, now Campcook Katie…come along, Armory Alice.
CAMP COOK KATIE
Camp Cook Katie reporting for duty, Commandant.
ARMORY ALICE
Armory Alice, at your service, your honour.
(They line up with each other.)
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
Camp Cook Katie, where are the workers?
NAGGA GROMIK
Great god in heaven, Mother, they mean to make us into workers!
SIMMER GROMIK
We shall have our revenge when the play ends, mark my words.
CAMP COOK KATIE
Why, there they are, lying about like lazy dogs.
ARMORY ALICE
Up, up, you swine! Have you no sense? You’ll bake like bacon in the hot sun!
(They go to MABBY KORTCH, who is now DISHPAN DAISY, and pull her up.)
MABBY KORTCH
Unhand me, you common trash!
CAMP COOK KATIE
Dishpan Daisy, you shirker!
(She throws her onto the stage.)
GRAPPLE KORTCH
Mama! What are they doing! Grapple is afraid!
ARMORY ALICE
(grabbing GRAPPLE KORTCH, who is now STABLE GIRL GERTY)
Stable Girl Gety, you lazy little monkey!
(She throws her onto the stage.)
TINKA KORTCH
How unpleasant! Perhaps I should run away, and quickly!
CAMP COOK KATIE
(Grabbing TINKA KORTCH, who is now CHAMBER POT CHELSEA)
You think you can play while others work, Chamber Pot Chelsea?
(She throws her onto the stage.)
SIMMER GROMIK
The world has gone mad!
ARMORY ALICE
(grabbing SIMMER GROMIK, who is now WASHBOARD WANDA)
Nasty Skrag! Up with the other help, and quickly, Washboard Wanda!
(She hurls her onto the stage.)
NAGGA GROMIK
I am alone, except for that awful old farmer woman.
CAMP COOK KATIE
(grabbing NAGGA GROMIK, who now becomes SLOP BUCKET SALLY)
So, Slop Bucket Sally, you think you can hide from me?
(KATIE hurls NAGGA onto the stage. The help all line up neatly and forlornly.)
LIEUTENANT CHANCE
Now only the doctor is required.
SERGEANT LUCK
Why, there she is now.
(She goes to ULNORA VESSEL, who becomes DOCTOR GROWGOOD and is given a stethoscope.)
Come, Doctor Growgood, we require your services.
DOCTOR GROWGOOD
Very well, my good sergeant. I am glad to assist.
(DOCTOR GROWGOOD goes up on the stage.)
LIEUTENANT CHANCE
Now we must prepare ourselves to deal with the enemy without and the enemy within.
End of Act Two, Scene 2.
Providence by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 3:
(The assembled garrison of Duna awaits the judgment of COMMANDANT CAROLINE.)
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
Doctor, what is our situation?
DOCTOR GROWGOOD
We are suffering from malnutrition and dehydration, Commandant. Two or three more days of this, and we shall begin to die.
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
I ordered these two privates to bring the last of the water for the children.
WASHBOARD WANDA
The children! What about me?
DISHPAN DAISY
And me! This hot sun will ruin my complexion unless I keep it moist!
CHAMBER POT CHELSEA
It’s not fair! I demand my share!
STABLE-GIRL GERTY
What about me? I’m too delicate for this cursed desert sun.
ALL THE PLAYERS
Are you unable to think of anyone but yourselves?
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
(indicating PRIVATES HATE and ENVY)
Those two privates stole some of the water.
PRIVATE SPITE
Why, those pigs! They should be stripped naked and thrown out into the desert to die!
PRIVATE MALICE
But first they should be flogged until they bleed.
ALL THE “BAD” CHARACTERS
Flog them! Flog them!
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
No! We need every soldier to defend the garrison in case of attack.
ALL THE “GOOD” CHARACTERS
Hurrah! We shall defend the garrison to the death!
LIEUTENANT CHANCE
What should be done with them, Commandant?
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
Like the rest of us, they can watch while the children drink the last of the water. That will be sufficient punishment. Release them!
(PRIVATES HATE and ENVY are released and sulkily join the line of soldiers.)
PRIVATE ENVY
(to PRIVATE HATE)
Later, I might kill you for not letting me drink more of that water.
PRIVATE HATE
(to PRIVATE ENVY)
You idiot! Never reveal the truth unless you’re being tortured!
SERGEANT LUCK
Here, children…each of you can have a sip. Don’t spill…it’s more precious than gold.
SIMPLE SUZY
(taking the gourd)
I’m so thirsty….but I can’t drink from this gourd. It’s not fair to the others.
(She passes it to GENTLE JENNY.)
GENTLE JENNY
I can’t drink, either…not unless everyone gets some.
(She passes it to FRAGILE FRANKIE.)
FRAGILE FRANKIE
I won’t drink unless everyone else does too.
(She gives the gourd to the COMMANDANT.)
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
These children are thirsty, and yet they offer to share. Well then, we shall all have a taste of the last bit of water. Here, Piccolo Pixie, you will be first.
(She hands the gourd to PICCOLO PIXIE.)
PICCOLO PIXIE
What an honour to be the first to sip!
(She prepares to sip.)
CHAMBER POT CHELSEA
Me first! I MUST GUZZLE FIRST!
SLOP BUCKET SALLY
No! Me! I MUST NUZZLE FIRST!
(They rush for the water. CHELSEA gets it first, but SALLY pulls it away from her. Other “bad” characters get involved…and finally the gourd falls to the ground and is squished. The last of the water runs into the dry sand.)
THE FOUR PLAYERS
You have wasted the last of the water!
ALL THE “GOOD” CHARACTERS
Alas! Our precious water is gone!
ALL THE “BAD” CHARACTERS
GONE!
(The “BAD” CHARACTERS ad-lib lines like “It’s your fault”, “You fool, you wasted the water”, and start fighting with each other. LIEUTENANT CHANCE produces a pistol and fires a shot in the air. They stop. The rest remain patiently in their ranks.)
LIEUTENANT CHANCE
Enough! Now our only hope is the relief column that is trying to break through the enemy lines to bring us water.
SERGEANT LUCK
It will be a miracle if the column survives in that dreadful wasteland, peppered with enemies.
CORPORAL FORTUNE
Our situation grows more critical with every passing moment!
PRIVATE DESTINY
We must do what we can to preserve our strength!
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
By god, we shall carry out our duties as always!
End of Act Two, Scene 3.
Providence by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 4:
(COMMANDANT CAROLINE gives out orders to the assembled garrison.)
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
Privates Loyal, Staytrue, Duty, and Good!
PRIVATES LOYAL, STAYTRUE, DUTY, and GOOD
Yes, your Honour?
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
You will take the first watch. Mount the parapets and scan the desert for the enemy.
PRIVATE LOYAL
I shall stand and watch the shimmering horizon even though my eyes burn from lack of water, my Commandant.
PRIVATE STAYTRUE
No enemy shall get within a league of our stout walls so long as I pace the crenellated battlements, your Excellency.
PRIVATE DUTY
If I should die while standing this watch, I shall be found still upright, strategically propped so as to fool the dull-brained enemy.
PRIVATE GOOD
I am honoured to stand guard for the Garrison of Duna, and will watch until death wrenches my eyeballs from my head.
PRIVATES LOYAL, STAYTRUE, DUTY, and GOOD
We go, your Honour. At once, your Honour!
(They exit to the playing of the pipe, the beating of the drum, the waving of the flag.)
LIEUTENANT CHANCE
Doctor Growgood, accompany the children to the infirmary, and see to it that they get their rest upon the cots.
DOCTOR GROWGOOD
Yes, Lieutenant. Come along, my little ones, the cots await, all cool in the shade of the infirmary.
SIMPLE SUZY
Cots! I will lie down upon mine and shrivel like a dried apricot.
GENTLE JENNY
We must hurry, for I am faint with exhaustion. I yearn for a cot!
FRAGILE FRANKIE
Perhaps my cot will be the last thing I shall ever lie upon!
(They exit with DOCTOR GROWGOOD, to the drum, pipe, and flag.)
SERGEANT LUCK
Camp Cook Katie!
CAMP COOK KATIE
Sergeant!
SERGEANT LUCK
Take Dishpan Daisy and Washboard Wanda and disinfect the barracks. We can at least prevent the outbreak of cholera.
ALL THE “BAD” CHARACTERS
Cholera!
CORPORAL FORTUNE and PRIVATE DESTINY
The disease of festering agony and death!
CAMP COOK KATIE
Yes, Sergeant, at once. Come along, you skrags!
WASHBOARD WANDA
I will not allow you to expose me to cholera.
DISHPAN DAISY
Nor will I. Send someone more expendable.
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
The Garrison of Duna faces a terrible fate and you refuse your duty! We shall shoot you on the spot and toss your bodies to the vultures that wait beyond the garrison gate.
(The FOUR PLAYERS level their rifles and prepare to shoot the two shirkers.)
WASHBOARD WANDA and DISHPAN DAISY
No! We will disinfect the barracks.
CAMP COOK KATIE
Come along then. Work will keep your minds off the hopelessness of our situation.
(They exit to pipe, drum, and flag.)
CORPORAL FORTUNE
Armory Alice! Take Slopbucket Sally, Chamber Pot Chelsea, and Stable Boy Bill and go to the armory and make sure the weapons are clean and loaded.
ARMORY ALICE
I will have the lazy toads polish the weapons until they shine like that damned sun.
SLOP BUCKET SALLY
I am too dainty and petite to fuss with grotesque greasy guns.
CHAMBER POT CHELSEA
Why should I have to touch that horrible oily junk?
STABLE-GIR GERTY
What do I know of bullets and gun barrels and kegs of powder?
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
You shall each receive a bullet square in the middle of your foreheads if you are derelict in your duty, you hideous brats!
THE FOUR PLAYERS
(levelling their rifles)
Prepare to die sooner rather than later!
SALLY, CHELSEA, and GERTY
(raising their hands)
We surrender!
ARMORY ALICE
There are weapons to be cleaned! Now MARCH!
(They march off, hands in air, to drum, pipe, and flag.)
PRIVATE HATE
And what of us? We stand here baking while you dither.
PRIVATE ENVY
My shanks are shaking from this endless rigid drill. Dismiss us, for the love of all that’s holy.
LIEUTENANT CHANCE
Ingrates! You were spared a flogging, and now you grouse as though you’ve been abused!
PRIVATE MALICE
Kick them square in the knackers, Lieutenant, and show them who’s boss.
PRIVATE SPITE
Smack them hard upon their noisy noggins and raise a lump!
THE FOUR PLAYERS
All four of you are worthless!
PRIVATE DESTINY
You will make trouble if you are left free to plot.
CORPORAL FORTUNE
So you will form a work detail.
SERGEANT LUCK
Procure shovels and buckets and dig a hole in the garrison sand.
LIEUTENANT CHANCE
And when the hole is as deep as a grave, put all your nastiness into it and fill it in.
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
Perhaps then you will be free from the hate, envy, malice, and spite that govern your every action.
Lieutenant GRUFF
Now MARCH!
(PRIVATES HATE, ENVY, SPITE, and MALICE march off to pipes, drum, and flag.)
PRIVATE DESTINY
(when the music stops)
How splendidly you play that pipe, Piccolo Pixie. It is a wonder that you have sufficient saliva to moisten the notes.
PICCOLO PIXIE
(with a musical flourish)
It is a joy to generate a tuneful melody, and thus forget my thirst and hunger, your Excellency.
CORPORAL FORTUNE
Ah, Drummer-Girl Donna, the rhythmic beating of your taut skin is the very heartbeat of our beleaguered garrison. So long as you can flail your sticks, we can rest safe in our sure knowledge that Duna has not succumbed to the ravages of nature and the enemy.
DRUMMER GIRL DONNA
(with a staccato roll on her drum)
My arms move of their own accord, your Honour, as though impelled by magic. How strange that in our weakness we are able to function with such precision.
SERGEANT LUCK
Flag Bearer Betty, you hold aloft the fluttering reminder of our resistance. The haggard and depleted legions of the Garrison of Duna can look to your brave banner for comfort as their insides shrivel from lack of moisture.
FLAG BEARER BETTY
(with a flourish of the flag)
My good Sergeant, it is as though the flag is a bird that flies free above me, with no effort on my part.
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
Off with you, then, to some shady spot, where you can practice your percussive ditties and flashy swoops of the flag. We shall hail you when we have need.
PIXIE, DONNA, and BETTY
As you wish, your Excellency!
(They march off playing and waving the flag.)
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
I am suddenly weary. I shall go to my quarters to rest for a time. The weight of duty and the nearness of disaster combine to fatigue my spirit.
THE FOUR PLAYERS
Very well, your honour.
(COMMANDANT CAROLINE exits.)
LIEUTENANT CHANCE
They have fallen under the spell of the play and have forgotten the village completely.
SERGEANT LUCK
Let’s hope the spell is strong enough to see us through to the finale.
CORPORAL FORTUNE
Yes, and hopefully without bloodshed.
PRIVATE DESTINY
Perhaps we shall at last achieve our purpose, though I grow ever more humble at the thought of the duties that go with it.
(They exit.)
End of Act Two, Scene 4.
Providence by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 5:
(PRIVATES HATE, ENVY, SPITE, and MALICE enter.)
PRIVATE HATE
Right. Now you three go get your shovels and I’ll look for a spot that’s easy to dig.
PRIVATE ENVY
You just want to sit here and do nothing while we mess around finding those damned shovels.
PRIVATE SPITE
I’ll stay here and watch him to make sure he looks for good place to dig.
PRIVATE MALICE
Then you’ll both sit around while that dodo Private Envy and I go tramping about looking for the shovels.
PRIVATE HATE
Well, I’m not going anywhere.
(He sits.)
PRIVATE ENVY
Then neither am I.
(He sits.)
PRIVATE SPITE
Nor me.
(She sits.)
PRIVATE MALICE
Nor me.
(She sits.)
PRIVATE ENVY
A fine pickle we’re in…trapped here in this garrison waiting to die.
PRIVATE SPITE
What I hate most is being bossed around by that damned officer and her little mob of loyalists.
PRIVATE HATE
There’s a way out of this.
PRIVATE MALICE
What?
PRIVATE HATE
We take over the garrison.
PRIVATE ENVY
Perfect! Then we can get revenge for our humiliation.
PRIVATE SPITE
And we’ll get to tell everybody what to do.
PRIVATE MALICE
If we’re going to die of thirst anyway, we can at least die as bosses of this hell hole.
PRIVATE HATE
Then you agree to help me overthrow the leaders?
PRIVATES ENVY, SPITE, and MALICE
We agree.
PRIVATE HATE
Good. First, we must convince some of the others to help us.
PRIVATE ENVY
How?
PRIVATE HATE
By spreading lies, of course. How else? We’ll say the Commandant has a secret supply of water and food that she’s sharing with those four toadies of hers.
PRIVATE MALICE
Yes, and we’ll say that they’re planning to spread disease so that everyone but them dies.
PRIVATE SPITE
When enough people are convinced, we’ll start a mutiny and take over!
PRIVATE ENVY
Too bad we’ll die of thirst after we get all the power.
PRIVATE HATE
Wrong! We’ll make a deal with the enemy: we’ll sell them the garrison and everyone in it for a cheap price and enough food and water for the four of us to get out of this desert.
PRIVATE ENVY
Brilliant! Let’s get started.
PRIVATE HATE
(To PRIVATE ENVY)
You and I will go to the armory and get those brats on our side. You other two go to the barracks and get the cleaning women to join us. Bring them with you and meet us here in half an hour. Once we’ve won them over, it’ll be easy to convince the rest to support us. Then we’ll overpower the Commandant. Now go do your stuff!
(They all exit.)
End of Act Two, Scene 5.
Providence by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 6:
(DISHPAN DAISY and WASHBOARD WANDA enter.)
DISHPAN DAISY
I’m damned if I’m going to disinfect these barracks, Wanda. Who cares about cholera? We’ll be dead from lack of water long before a disease can kill us.
WASHBOARD WANDA
Maybe that relief column will rescue us, Daisy.
DISHPAN DAISY
You heard that sergeant. She said the enemy will kill them before they can get through to us.
(CAMP COOK KATIE enters.)
CAMP COOK KATIE
Why aren’t you working? We must try to prevent an outbreak of cholera.
DISHPAN DAISY
Cholera Shmolera.
WASHBOARD WANDA
We’re not scrubbing these barracks and that’s that. What are you going to do about it?
CAMP COOK KATIE
I’ll have to report you to the Commandant.
(PRIVATES HATE and ENVY enter.)
PRIVATE HATE
No you won’t. The Commandant is planning to kill you all.
CAMP COOK KATIE
What?
PRIVATE ENVY
She and her four friends have secret stores of food and water, and they’re going to spread disease to get rid of you, then escape from the garrison.
WASHBOARD WANDA
Why, those dirty scoundrels!
DISHPAN DAISY
I should’ve known they couldn’t be trusted.
PRIVATE HATE
Join us and we’ll overthrow them and save ourselves.
CAMP COOK KATIE
How do we know you’re telling the truth?
PRIVATE ENVY
You’re either for us or against us. Which is it?
CAMP COOK KATIE
You didn’t answer my question.
DISHPAN DAISY
I’m for you!
WASHBOARD WANDA
Me too!
PRIVATE HATE
Then grab that cook and keep her under guard.
(DAISY and WANDA grab KATIE.)
CAMP COOK KATIE
Why, you traitors! You’ll be shot for this!
PRIVATE ENVY
Wrong. You’ll be shot for not joining us. Let’s go.
(They exit.)
End of Act Two, Scene 6.
Providence by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 7:
(SLOP BUCKET SALLY, CHAMBER POT CHELSEA, and STABLE GIRL GERTY enter with ARMORY ALICE. They have weapons.)
ARMORY ALICE
Now clean and polish those weapons. They must be in good working order in case the enemy attacks.
SLOP BUCKET SALLY
But we’re going to die anyway.
CHAMBER POT CHELSEA
It’s stupid. I won’t clean a single thing.
STABLE GIRL GERTY
Clean them yourself if you think it’s so important.
ARMORY ALICE
Don’t you understand? We must try to survive, no matter what. Cleaning these weapons is useful work and the relief column might arrive at any time.
SLOP BUCKET SALLY
Don’t be ridiculous. They’ll all be dead by now, killed by the enemy.
(PRIVATES SPICE and MALICE enter.)
PRIVATE SPITE
That’s right. And what’s worse, the Commandant and her pals are planning to get rid of the rest of us.
ARMORY ALICE
I don’t believe it.
PRIVATE MALICE
She lied to us all. She’s got secret stores of food and water.
PRIVATE SPITE
Join us, and we’ll take over the garrison and share the food and water. Then you won’t die.
ARMORY ALICE
The Commandant is a good leader. I won’t join you.
STABLE GIRL GERTY
I will. It’s more exciting than disinfecting the barracks.
SLOP BUCKET SALLY
Me too. And we’ve got weapons.
CHAMBER POT CHELSEA
We’ll kill them and get their supplies.
ARMORY ALICE
Don’t be fools. They’re trying to trick you.
PRIVATE SPITE
Arrest her!
(CHELSEA and SALLY arrest ALICE.)
PRIVATE MALICE
Now come with us. There’s not a moment to lose.
(They exit.)
End of Act Two, Scene 7.
Providence by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 8
(PRIVATE HATE and PRIVATE ENVY enter.)
PRIVATE HATE
Privates Spite and Malice have got the support of those three brats, so along with us and the two women, that makes nine. That’s enough to carry out the rebellion.
PRIVATE ENVY
What about the privates on guard duty and those musicians and flag bearer?
PRIVATE HATE
Here come the musicians now.
(The PIPER, DRUMMER, and FLAG BEARER enter.)
PICCOLO PIXIE
Why is everyone gathering in the square?
DRUMMER GIRL DONNA
Aren’t you supposed to be digging a hole?
FLAG BEARER BETTY
What’s going on?
PRIVATE HATE
Haven’t you heard? The Commandant has lied to us.
PRIVATE ENVY
She’s got secret stores of food and water.
PRIVATE HATE
We’re going to rebel.
PICCOLO PIXIE
Rebel! But how did you find out that the Commandant has supplies?
PRIVATE ENVY
We found them when we were digging.
PRIVATE HATE
Buried in the sand.
DRUMMER GIRL DONNA
I don’t believe you.
FLAG BEARER BETTY
You’re the ones that stole the last of the water.
PICCOLO PIXIE
The Commandant has always treated us with respect.
(PRIVATES SPITE and MALICE enter with weapons.)
PRIVATE SPITE
Too bad you feel that way.
PRIVATE MALICE
You’re under arrest. Come with us.
PICCOLO PIXIE
Traitors!
FLAG BEARER BETTY
You’ll never get away with this.
DRUMMER GIRL DONNA
Even if you do, God will punish you!
PRIVATE HATE
God rewards those who are smartest and strongest. Get them out of here.
(PRIVATES SPITE and MALICE escort them offstage.)
PRIVATE ENVY
Too bad they wouldn’t join us. Now there’s six of them against us.
PRIVATE HATE
But we’re armed and they’re not. Now let’s go deal with those guards.
PRIVATE ENVY
They’ll never join us.
PRIVATE ENVY
Don’t worry. I’ve got a plan.
(They exit.)
End of Act Two, Scene 8.
Providence by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 9:
(PRIVATES GOOD, LOYAL, STAYTRUE, and DUTY enter.)
PRIVATE STAYTRUE
Any sign of the enemy, Private Loyal?
PRIVATE LOYAL
The desert looks as empty as a beer bottle in a drunkard’s trash can, Private Staytrue.
PRIVATE DUTY
We can only pray that the relief column makes it by tomorrow.
PRIVATE GOOD
Not much chance of that, Private Duty. But if we’re going to die, at least we can die with honour.
(PRIVATES HATE and ENVY enter with DAISY and WANDA.)
PRIVATE HATE
We’ve been ordered to relieve you.
PRIVATE ENVY
You deserve a rest.
DISHPAN DAISY
How tired you must be.
WASHBOARD WANDA
Just give us your weapons, and we’ll stand guard. Go and take nap in the barracks: they’re freshly disinfected and nice and cool in the shade.
PRIVATE STAYTRUE
I could use a break.
PRIVATE LOYAL
Thanks for offering to help.
PRIVATE DUTY
It’s good to know that we’re all willing to share the burden.
PRIVATE GOOD
Come on, soldiers. Let’s have a rest.
(They hand their weapons to the others.)
PRIVATE HATE
(as he, ENVY, DAISY and WANDA point their weapons at them)
You’re under arrest. Now come with us.
PRIVATE STAYTRUE
Hey, now…that’s not a very funny joke.
PRIVATE ENVY
It’s no joke. We’re taking over the garrison.
PRIVATE LOYAL
Let us join you!
DISHPAN DAISY
Do you think we’re stupid enough to trust you? You’re incapable of disobeying the Commandant.
WASHBOARD WANDA
You’re fools. You’re completely unable to think for yourselves.
(They exit.)
End of Act Two, Scene 9.
Providence by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 10:
(COMMANDANT CAROLINE enters.)
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
I wish I could do more to help my troops and workers. All we can do is pray that the relief column makes it somehow.
(SALLY, CHELSEA, GERTA, and PRIVATE HATE enter with weapons that they point at COMMANDANT CAROLINE.)
PRIVATE HATE
Commandant, we’re taking over the garrison.
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
What? Traitors!
SLOP BUCKET SALLY
Shut up and come with us.
CHAMBER POT CHELSEA
See what you get for making us clean weapons?
STABLE GIRL GERTY
Now we know how to use them and I’d love to give you a demonstration using you as a target.
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
There’s nothing worse than a traitor!
PRIVATE HATE
Wrong. There’s nothing worse than a fool, which is exactly what you’ve been. Now move!
(They exit.)
End of Two, Scene 10
Providence by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 11:
(DOCTOR GROWGOOD, SIMPLE SUZY, GENTLE JENNY, and FRAGILE FRANKIE enter.)
SIMPLE SUZY
Doctor, I had a little sleep on my cot, but I kept dreaming about a beautiful lake full of cool, clear water that I was not allowed to drink.
DOCTOR GROWGOOD
When the relief column arrives, you shall have all the water you want, Suzy.
GENTLE JENNY
I dreamed a nice woman was trying to give me a glass of water, but every time I reached for it, she was dragged away from me by some mean soldiers.
DOCTOR GROWGOOD
Not all soldiers are mean, Jenny. Some are kind and honest.
FRAGILE FRANKIE
I was too thirsty to sleep.
DOCTOR GROWGOOD
I will go outside and see if there is any news. Perhaps we shall soon be rescued.
(She exits. WANDA and DAISY enter.)
WASHBOARD WANDA
Children! Something wonderful is happening!
DISHPAN DAISY
Everyone’s gathering in the square for a party.
GENTLE JENNY
Where is Doctor Growgood?
WASHBOARD WANDA
She’s gone to the party.
SIMPLE SUZY
A party? But there’s no food or drink!
WASHBOARD WANDA
Don’t you believe in magic?
FRAGILE FRANKIE
Magic?
GENTLE JENNY
I believe in magic! Once I found a coin in the sand…it was such a wonderful surprise!
DISHPAN DAISY
Come along, then…let’s go see what wonderful magical things will happen in the square.
(They exit.)
End of Act Two, Scene 11.
Providence by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 12:
(LIEUTENANT CHANCE, SERGEANT LUCK, CORPORAL FORTUNE, and PRIVATE DESTINY enter, without weapons.)
LIEUTENANT CHANCE
Well, if everything’s going according to the plan, they’ll be here to arrest us any moment.
SERGEANT LUCK
This is the part that frightens me the most.
CORPORAL FORTUNE
Me too. I hope they’re not trigger happy.
PRIVATE DESTINY
If they kill us, they’ll be stuck in this play forever.
LIEUTENANT CHANCE
Forever, in a play that turns the world into a cruel desert.
(PRIVATE HATE and ENVY enter, armed.)
PRIVATE HATE
You’re under arrest.
PRIVATE ENVY
Don’t do anything stupid.
PRIVATE HATE
Come with us. We’ve got a meeting to attend.
LIEUTENANT CHANCE
We’re not going to argue with those guns.
SERGEANT LUCK
We’ll go peacefully.
(They exit.)
End of Act Two, Scene 12.
Providence by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Two, Scene 13:
(Everyone assembles, with the “bad” characters armed and guarding the others, and the COMMANDANT and FOUR PLAYERS down centre.)
SIMPLE SUZY
This isn’t magic. It’s awful, like my dream.
GENTLE JENNY
Why are those people pointing guns at everyone?
FRAGILE FRANKIE
What’s happening?
PRIVATE HATE
Shut up, you brats. Now, let’s get down to business. Commandant, you and those four friends of yours have lied and cheated us. You kept secret supplies of food and water and would have let the rest of us die.
PRIVATE ENVY
We have a right to execute you for what you have done. But we are compassionate.
PRIVATE MALICE
We are going to send you out onto the desert unarmed.
PRIVATE SPITE
You can take your chances with the hot sand, the burning sun, and the well-armed enemy.
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
Very well. We’ll go. But I warn all of you rebels that you are fools to trust Private Hate and Private Envy. And those of you who are being held against your will, remember that duty, love, and honour are more powerful than those guns that are pointed at you. Come on, comrades. Let us face the desert.
(They exit.)
PRIVATE HATE
Now, as for the rest of you who wouldn’t join us, we’re locking you in the barracks until we decide what to do with you. Dishpan Daisy ,Washboard Wanda, Sally, Alice, and Billy, escort them to the barracks.
DISHPAN DAISY
Come on, you saps.
WASHBOARD WANDA
And don’t try anything. We’ll shoot anyone who tries any sort of resistance.
(They exit with the “good” characters.)
End of Act Two, Scene 13.
Return to Scene List
__
Providence by Richard Stuart Dixon Good School Plays
Act Two, Scene 14:
PRIVATE HATE
Well, that was easy. Now all we have to do is get in touch with the enemy.
PRIVATE ENVY
And make a deal with them to buy the garrison and everyone in it.
PRIVATE SPITE
We’ll get out of this bloody desert and open a booze palace and gambling hall in some coastal city and cheat our way into a fortune.
PRIVATE MALICE
There are suckers and marks out there everywhere just waiting for us to take their hard-earned money.
(There is the sound of marching feet, growing louder.)
PRIVATE ENVY
What’s that?
PRIVATE SPITE
Marching feet!
PRIVATE MALICE
My god, it’s the enemy!
PRIVATE HATE
I hope they’re still willing to negotiate!
(The tramping sound grows louder and louder and then comes to a halt. Then there is a tumult of shouts and poundings, then silence again. Then LIEUTENANT CHANCE, now CAPTAIN CHAMPION, enters with COMMANDANT CAROLINE. The “bad” privates aim their weapons at them.)
CAPTAIN CHAMPION
I am Captain Champion, leader of the relief column. Put down your weapons. You are surrounded and outnumbered.
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
The Captain and his men have arrested your comrades. Give up now and you’ll be fairly treated.
(The “Bad” privates place their weapons on the stage.)
PRIVATE HATE
Captain, thank heaven you’ve arrived. We had to take over. The Commandant was going to turn the garrison over to the enemy.
CAPTAIN CHAMPION
That’s not what you told the others who refused to support you. Tell enough lies, and eventually you get caught.
PRIVATE MALICE
It’s all Private Hate’s fault, Captain. He plotted the whole thing.
PRIVATE SPITE
I can attest to that, Captain. He’s responsible…we were just pretending to go along with him until we could get a chance to stop him.
CAPTAIN CHAMPION
I advise you to shut up now. With every word, you bring yourselves closer to a firing squad.
(They become still and silent. The rest of the cast enter, with the “bad” group under guard by the other three PLAYERS, who are now playing TROOPER HELP, SAVER, and GUARDIAN, from the relief column.)
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
(to the assembled group)
We have been rescued.
(the “good” characters cheer.)
However, some among us have fallen prey to evil, and justice must be carried out.
CAPTAIN CHAMPION
The rebels were clearly divided into two groups: leaders and followers.
TROOPER HELP
Private Hate was the head of the leaders. He was assisted by Private Envy, and supported by Privates Malice and Spite.
TROOPER SAVER
The two cleaning women and the three young workers fell under the influence of the leaders.
TROOPER GUARDIAN
They did not create the plot to overthrow the Commandant, and they may have believed Private Hate’s lies.
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
Therefore, they are to be inducted immediately into the army, where they will do five years hard service in this garrison in order to atone for their sins.
PRIVATE STAYTRUE
What has happened to Lieutenant Chance, Sergeant Luck, Corporal Fortune, and Private Destiny?
CAPTAIN CHAMPION
We found their bodies out in the desert.
TROOPER HELP
They’d been shot by enemy snipers.
TROOPER SAVER
The ring leaders of the rebellion are responsible for the deaths of these fine men.
TROOPER GUARDIAN
And so we must carry out a harsh punishment of the rebel leaders.
(The DRUMMER, PIPER, and FLAG WAVER drum, play, and wave briefly.)
COMMANDANT CAROLINE
Privates Hate, Envy, Malice, and Spite, you have a choice. You can face death by firing squad, or leave the garrison without food and water and face the dangers of the desert and the enemy. Which do you choose?
PRIVATE HATE
But this is only a play; it’s make believe; you can’t send us away.
CAPTAIN CHAMPION
We are all of us actors, and we are always acting. You must carry out your role until you become wise enough for a new one. This is what I and my three comrades have had to do. Now make your choice.
PRIVATE HATE
I choose the desert, of course.
PRIVATE ENVY
The desert.
PRIVATE MALICE
I’ll take my chances out there.
PRIVATE SPITE
Me too.
CAPTAIN CHAMPION
Very well. And if you try to return, you’ll be shot on sight. Now go. Your only companions are shame and dishonour.
(PRIVATES HATE, ENVY, SPITE, and MALICE exit shamefully as the drummer drums and the others look at them with contempt.)
TROOPER HELP
Now, we must ask you all to go and sit over there.
(She indicates the audience area, and the TROOPS and WORKERS go and sit there. The PLAYERS become PLAYERS again, taking off their military garb.)
GRUFF
And so ends our play!
(The FOUR PLAYERS bow, and the remaining “audience” claps heartily.)
End of Act Two, Scene 14.
Providence by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Act Three, Scene 1:
MABBY KORTCH
(going to GRUFF with GRAPPLE and TINKA)
Delbo, my husband, what are you doing standing on the stage?
GRUFF
Why, what indeed? For a moment, I forgot I was the mayor of Pipkin and thought I was an actor.
MABBY KORTCH
How peculiar!
GRAPPLE KORTCH
You’re a good, kind mayor, and Pipkin needs you, Father. Please don’t become an actor.
TINKA KORTCH
After all, who would replace you, Father? You’re the perfect person to be the mayor of Pipkin.
SIMMER GROMIK
(going to BUFF with NAGGA )
Are you going to perform for us, Waily?
NAGGA GROMIK
Oh, Daddy, you know you can’t act. You’re much better at being a merchant.
BUFF
Yes, even though the stage appeals to me, I’d much rather be a fair and honest merchant.
CRAND LEKKO
(going to RUFF and TUFF)
Gundrell and Rouge Nitwitta! Have you decided to try acting instead of running a tavern?
RUFF
For a moment, I thought I might try improvising a scene, but now it seems foolish. And so does running a tavern.
TUFF
Yes, standing here on this makeshift stage had somehow made me want to change the tavern into a hospital for the people of the village. Gundrell and I could look after the daily business of the hospital, and Ulnora Vessel could tend to the sick.
ULNORA VESSEL
(going up to them)
What a splendid idea! I somehow know I’ll be a fine doctor.
THE FOUR PLAYERS
How lucky we are to live in Pipkin. How lucky we are to be able to offer our services to such fine people!
(The others respond with a cheer and all go up on stage in the tableaux they were in at the end of Act One.)
End of Act Three, Scene 1.
Providence by Richard Stuart Dixon Good School Plays
Act Three, Scene 2:
THE VESSELS
We work and rejoice in the warmth of the sun
We grow our sweet vegetables all day for fun
THE BUNBYS
We build with the timber we take from the land
We cut and we nail and we carve and we sand
THE LEKKOS
We live in Pipkin and keep a small shop
And all day the meat must be cut and be chopped
THE CHAFFS
Our boat floats on the river and the river’s full of fish
We keep our boat afloat to put a fish in every dish
THE PORS
We make things out of iron and sell them to our friends
We make the iron hot and pound it til it bends
FULL CAST
(except the exiled PRIVATES)
A long time ago in place far away
Was a silly little village called Pipkin.
Pipkin! Pipkin! A silly little village!
A silly little village called Pipkin.
(They exit.)
End of Act Three, Scene 2.
Providence by Richard Stuart Dixon Good School Plays.
Epilogue:
(The PRIVATES HATE, ENVY, MALICE, and SPITE enter. They are now the new GRUFF, RUFF, TUFF, and BUFF.)
GRUFF
And so we must begin our lives as actors.
RUFF
We will journey to towns and villages and learn to work the magic of theatre.
TUFF
If all goes well, perhaps one day we will perform a play about power and responsibility.
BUFF
And perhaps we will once again be trusted with the sacred duty of leadership.
(The ENTIRE CAST now gather on the stage.)
FULL CAST
The greatest actor of all
Is the one who acts with love.
The greatest act of all
Is the act of kindness.
END OF PLAY.