Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2005
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 50 minutes.
• style: satire
• suitable for general audiences
• 29 characters (21 female, 8 male)
• black-box staging (no set required)
Summary of Script Content:
• Soul-searching turmoil erupts in a suburban neighbourhood when a large spaceship manifests on a family’s back lawn.
(This play was first performed on March 1, 2, 3, 4, & 7, in the year 2005, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
Go to:
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Scene 5
Scene 6
Scene 7
Scene 8
Scene 9
Scene 10
Scene 11
Scene 12
Scene 13
Scene 14
Scene 15
Scene 16
Scene 17
Scene 18
Scene 19
Scene 20
Scene 21
Scene 22
Scene 23
Scene 24
CHARACTERS:
The Family:
Bud Lieberman, 46
Gracie Lieberman. 43
Bobby Lieberman, 17
Nancy Lieberman, 15
Candy Lieberman, 12
Grandpa Doug Lieberman, 81
Granny Gracie Lieberman, 79
The Alien Family:
Dex Spandex, 512
Galaxia Spandex, 495
Star Sapndex, 148
Booster Spandex, 105
Orbit Spandex, 105
Granny Cosmina Spandex, 862
The Empress of the Fortrel Galaxy:
Empress Detox
The Neighbours:
Frank Bigglesworth, 41
Martha Bigglesworth, 38
J.J. Bigglesworth, 15
Dinky Bigglesworth, 10
Don Don, 39
Elly Don, 37
Baby Don, 14
Tom Bucket, 55
Minny Bucket, 50
The Renovators:
Hetty Wedge, 35
Bunty Moon, 30
Libby Hinge, 42
The Exterminator:
Peggy Blot, 35
The Police:
Constable Corky Gunn, 34
Constable Ginger Hammer, 36
Spaceship by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 1:
(BUD LIEBERMAN enters after a hard day at Big Box, the megastore where he is manager of the wiener department. He is upset because there is a spaceship in the back yard.)
BUD LIEBERMAN
Honey! Honey, where the heck are you?
BELLE LIEBERMAN
(from offstage)
Be there in a moment, Dear!
BUD LIEBERMAN
Not “in a moment”, Belle. Now. I got a bone to pick with you.
(BELLE enters.)
BELLE LIEBERMAN
Did you have a good day at work, Bud?
BUD LIEBERMAN
Why is there a spaceship in the back yard blocking the driveway?
BELLE LIEBERMAN
Spaceship?
BUD LIEBERMAN
Don’t play innocent with me, Belle.
BELLE LIEBERMAN
Oh! You mean the interplanetary star cruiser!
BUD LIEBERMAN
I mean that oversized hunk of space junk that’s left a burnt patch on my prize-winning lawn.
BELLE LIEBERMAN
We all know how much you love your lawn, dear.
(GRANNY GRACIE enters.)
GRANNY GRACIE
There you are, son. Don’t forget you’re supposed to take your dad to the cineplex tonight.
BUD LIEBERMAN
I’m too tired to take Dad to a movie, and besides, there’s a spaceship in the backyard.
(GRANDPA DOUG enters.)
GRANDPA DOUG
Did I hear you say you won’t take me to the movies, boy?
GRANNY GRACIE
How could you be tired, Bud? You’re only forty-six.
BELLE LIEBERMAN
He does work hard in the wiener department at Big Box.
GRANDPA DOUG
When I was his age, I worked twelve hours a day at the mill stacking two-by-fours.
BUD LIEBERMAN
Why is there a spaceship in the back yard?
GRANNY GRACIE
Your father was so excited about going to the cineplex tonight.
GRANDPA DOUG
I had my heart set on seeing “Old Men on Horseback”.
BUD LIEBERMAN
Maybe tomorrow, Pop.
GRANDPA DOUG
It’s always, “Maybe tommorow, Pop.” Well, it won’t be long before I’m dead and there’ll be no tomorrows.
BELLE LIEBERMAN
His ticker, Bud…his ticker.
BUD LIEBERMAN
Why is there a spaceship in the backyard?
GRANDPA DOUG
Come on, Gracie…I don’t have to put up with this abuse.
GRANNY GRACIE
I’m not going back to our room if you’re going to sit there and complain all evening, Doug.
GRANDPA DOUG
Don’t worry…you won’t have Doug Lieberman to kick around much longer.
GRANNY GRACIE
Oh, stop being so melodramatic.
(They exit.)
BUD LIEBERMAN
Now, about that spaceship…
(CONSTABLE HAMMER and CONSTABLE GUNN enter.)
CONSTABLE HAMMER
Evening, folks. I’m Constable Hammer, and this is Constable Gunn.
CONSTABLE GUNN
I’m Constable Gunn.
CONSTABLE HAMMER
I told ‘em that already, Constable Gunn.
CONSTABLE GUNN
Never hurts to tell them twice.
CONSTABLE HAMMER
One of you own a gray Honda Civic?
BUD LIEBERMAN
Why yes, officer, I have a gray Civic. Is there a problem?
CONSTABLE GUNN
Don’t get smart with us, mister.
CONSTABLE HAMMER
He hasn’t gotten smart with us yet, Constable Gunn.
CONSTABLE GUNN
So maybe he’s going to get smart with us later.
CONSTABLE HAMMER
You’re going to have to move that Civic, sir.
BUD LIEBERMAN
Why?
CONSTABLE GUNN
It’s parked in the alley.
CONSTABLE HAMMER
That’s a fire lane, sir. You can’t park in a fire lane.
CONSTABLE GUNN
So get your subcompact out of there.
CONSTABLE HAMMER
You should know better than to block a fire lane, sir.
BUD LIEBERMAN
I’ll move it in a minute.
CONSTABLE HAMMER
Now, sir.
CONSTABLE GUNN
Right now.
BUD LIEBERMAN
Bobby! Bobby! I need you, son!
(BOBBY LIEBERMAN enters)
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
What’s up, Pop?
BUD LIEBERMAN
(throwing him the keys to the Civic)
Move my subcompact, will you?
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
You mean the Civic?
BUD LIEBERMAN
Of course I mean the Civic.
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
Subcompacts aren’t cool. I wish we had a fine, big cruiser like yours, officers.
CONSTABLE HAMMER
You got a license, young fella?
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
Sure.
CONSTABLE HAMMER
Then move that puddle jumper.
BUD LIEBERMAN
There’s no need to call my Civic a puddle jumper, Corporal Hammer.
CONSTABLE GUNN
I told you he’d get smart with us later.
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
I’m on it, Pop…don’t worry about a thing.
(BOBBY exits.)
CONSTABLE GUNN
Nice kid.
CONSTABLE HAMMER
You could learn a thing or two from him, Mister….
BUD LIEBERMAN
Lieberman…Budwell Lieberman…call me Bud.
CONSTABLE HAMMER and CONSTABLE GUNN
Bud.
(They exit as NANCY and CANDY LIEBERMAN enter.)
NANCY LIEBERMAN
Mom, Candy was in my room again!
CANDY LIEBERMAN
I only went in there to get my laptop back.
NANCY LIEBERMAN
It’s my laptop, bugbrain.
BELLE LIEBERMAN
It’s your granny’s laptop, Nancy. And don’t call Candy a “bugbrain”.
CANDY LIEBERMAN
Don’t call me a bugbrain, you pissant.
NANCY LIEBERMAN
Did you hear that, Mom? She called me a “pissant”!
BELLE LIEBERMAN
What’s a “pissant”, Candy?
CANDY LIEBERMAN
Nancy’s a pissant.
NANCY LIEBERMAN
She did it again! Punish her, Mom!
BUD LIEBERMAN
Why is there a spaceship in the backyard?
CANDY LIEBERMAN
“Pissant” means “insignificant thing”, Mom, and that’s what Nancy is…she’s three years older than me and three times as dumb!
NANCY LIEBERMAN
You little bag of dog crap! I’m gonna make you eat your own eyeballs!
(NANCY launches an attack on CANDY, who fights back gamely.)
BELLE LIEBERMAN
(pulling them apart)
Girls! Girls! Can’t you see that your father’s exhausted from working in the wiener department at Big Box?
BUD LIEBERMAN
Why is there a spaceship in the backyard?
CANDY LIEBERMAN
Oh, Daddy, you never pay any attention to what’s really going on.
NANCY LIEBERMAN
Why did you marry him, anyway, Mom?
BELLE LIEBERMAN
That’s enough, girls. Nancy, you go put the frozen dinners in the oven, and Candy, you go and fetch your dad’s slippers.
NANCY LIEBERMAN
I hate cooking.
(NANCY exits.)
CANDY LIEBERMAN
He doesn’t have any slippers, Mom. You know that. But every day, you ask me to go get them. Either buy him slippers or quit asking me!
(CANDY exits.)
BUD LIEBERMAN
Now, about that spaceship….
(BOBBY LIEBERMAN enters)
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
Hey, Pop, I put the Civic in the Seven-Eleven parking lot down the street. Say, why the long face?
BELLE LIEBERMAN
He’s had a tough day in the wiener department, Bobby.
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
Can I have fifty bucks?
BELLE LIEBERMAN
What for, dear?
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
Stuff.
BUD LIEBERMAN
The spaceship, Belle….
BELLE LIEBERMAN
What sort of stuff?
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
Boy stuff…you know…underarm deodorant, new underwear, aftershave, hair gel….
BELLE LIEBERMAN
I’m glad to see you’re finally taking an interest in personal hygiene, Bobby…
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
Can I have that fifty bucks?
BELLE LIEBERMAN
My handbag’s in the den. Help yourself…but only fifty! I’m saving the rest for a rainy day.
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
Thanks, Mom…you’re great!
(BOBBY begins to exit, then stops)
Don’t worry, Dad. The lawn will grow back.
(BOBBY completes his exit.)
BUD LIEBERMAN
Can we discuss the spaceship now?
BELLE LIEBERMAN
You must be hungry, Bud. You’re always grumpy when you’re hungry. We’ll discuss the spaceship after you’ve had a nice frozen dinner.
(BELLE exits.)
BUD LIEBERMAN
My prize-winning lawn, burned black!
End of Scene 1.
Spaceship by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 2:
(TOM and MINNY BUCKET enter.)
TOM BUCKET
Bud Lieberman!
BUD LIEBERMAN
What can I do for you, Tom?
TOM BUCKET
Me and Minny want to know why in hell there’s a spaceship in your back yard.
MINNY BUCKET
All we can see out our back window is that big hunk of space junk.
TOM BUCKET
It’s against By-law One Seventeen.
MINNY BUCKET
No structures over six meters high allowed in back yards.
TOM BUCKET
That thing’s at least thirty meters high.
MINNY BUCKET
That’s twenty-four meters over the limit.
TOM BUCKET
What’s going on, Bud?
BUD LIEBERMAN
I don’t know.
MINNY BUCKET
Don’t play dumb with us, Bud.
BUD LIEBERMAN
I just got home from working in the wiener department down at Big Box.
TOM BUCKET
So?
BUD LIEBERMAN
So I don’t know what’s going on!
MINNY BUCKET
Listen, Bud…Tommy and me don’t want that spaceship blocking our view of the freeway.
TOM BUCKET
If you don’t have it out of there in an hour, we’re calling the cops.
MINNY BUCKET
This is a nice neighbourhood, Bud.
TOM BUCKET
A nice clean neighbourhood, with good views of the freeway.
MINNY BUCKET
We like to look at the freeway, Bud.
TOM BUCKET
It’s soothing looking at the cars crawling like bugs out there.
MINNY BUCKET
Like bugs, Bud. We like to think of the cars as bugs.
TOM BUCKET
Shiny bugs of all colours crawling along out there.
MINNY BUCKET
But now that spaceship’s in the way.
TOM BUCKET
We can’t look at the cars on the freeway and pretend they’re bugs anymore.
MINNY BUCKET
How do you think that makes us feel?
TOM BUCKET
You’ve taken away something we love, Bud.
MINNY BUCKET
What kind of man are you, Bud Lieberman?
TOM BUCKET
What kind of man are you?
(They exit.)
End of Scene 2.
Return to Scene List
Spaceship by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 3:
(HETTY WEDGE, BUNTY MOON, and LIBBY HINGE enter with lumber.)
BUNTY MOON
You Belle Lieberman?
BUD LIEBERMAN
No, I’m Bud. Belle’s my wife.
BUNTY MOON
We’re here to install the isolation booth in the basement.
BUD LIEBERMAN
Isolation booth?
HETTY WEDGE
Top-of-the-line, Mr. Lieberman, just like you ordered.
BUD LIEBERMAN
I didn’t order an isolation booth.
LIBBY HINGE
No need to be embarrassed, Mr. Lieberman. Lots of folks nowadays have isolation booths.
BUNTY MOON
No shame in wanting to be alone once in a while.
HETTY WEDGE
We’ll get right to it.
BUD LIEBERMAN
But it’s after six…
LIBBY HINGE
Hell, that don’t matter so long as you’re paying us triple time, Mr. Lieberman.
BUD LIEBERMAN
Triple time?
HETTY WEDGE
Don’t worry, Mr. Lieberman, We’ll be done before morning.
BUNTY MOON
She’ll be airtight and soundproof, Buddy, my boy.
LIBBY HINGE
No one will ever know you’re in there.
BUD LIEBERMAN
But…
HETTY WEDGE
No “buts”, Mr. Lieberman. A deal’s a deal.
(They exit.)
End of Scene 3.
Spaceship by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 4:
(J.J. BIGGLESWORTH enters with DINKY.)
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
Hey, Mr. L., is Nancy here?
BUD LIEBERMAN
She’s heating frozen dinners, J.J.
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
What’s that spaceship doing in your backyard, Mr. Lieberman?
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
Dinky! Don’t go asking embarrassing questions!
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
I’m not embarrassed!
BUD LIEBERMAN
I don’t know.
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
You don’t know what, Mr. Lieberman?
BUD LIEBERMAN
Why that’s spaceship’s out there.
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
I’m not embarrassed!
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
Mama made me babysit Dinky while she and Daddy are at the bar.
BUD LIEBERMAN
Nancy’s heating frozen dinners.
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
You already said that, Mr. Lieberman.
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
Dinky! Can’t you see that you’re making Mr. Lieberman uncomfortable?
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
I’m not uncomfortable.
(NANCY LIEBERMAN enters.)
NANCY LIEBERMAN
J.J.! Want to go to the mall tonight?
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
Is it okay if Dinky comes with us?
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
Is it okay if I go to the mall with you?
NANCY LIEBERMAN
I guess. Just don’t steal anything.
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
Don’t steal anything, Dinky.
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
Why not?
BUD LIEBERMAN
Nancy has to heat the frozen dinners.
NANCY LIEBERMAN
I hate cooking.
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
That’s a big spaceship out there.
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
Dinky! I told you not to talk about that!
BUD LIEBERMAN
I don’t know how it got there.
NANCY LIEBERMAN
How what got there?
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
The spaceship in your back yard.
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
Dinky!
NANCY LIEBERMAN
Let’s go to the mall right now.
BUD LIEBERMAN
The frozen dinners…
NANCY LIEBERMAN
I want fries at the food court.
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
I’m sorry about Dinky, Mr. Lieberman.
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
That spaceship wasn’t there yesterday.
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
Dinky Bigglesworth! You’re such a naughty girl!
NANCY LIEBERMAN
That’s all right, J.J. She can’t help it…her brain, remember?
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
My brain?
BUD LIEBERMAN
Her brain?
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
Dinky’s odd.
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
I’m odd.
NANCY LIEBERMAN
Does she like fries?
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
I don’t know. Do you like fries, Dinky?
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
Do I like fries?
NANCY LIEBERMAN
Do you?
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
Fries?
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
Yes, fries. Do you like fries, Dinky?
(There is a long pause while DINKY ponders this question.)
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
Do you mean to eat?
NANCY LIEBERMAN
Yes. Do you like to eat fries?
(Another pause as DINKY struggles with this dilemma.)
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
What are they?
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
It’s no use, Nancy. She doesn’t have any idea what we’re talking about.
NANCY LIEBERMAN
Let’s get going. We’ll show her some fries at the mall.
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
I won’t steal them.
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
We’ll put some fries in front of her and see what happens.
(NANCY, J.J., and DINKY exit)
End of Scene 4.
Spaceship by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
(CONSTABLES HAMMER and GUNN enter.)
CONSTABLE HAMMER
Bad news, Mr. Lieberman.
CONSTABLE GUNN
You got a problem.
BUD LIEBERMAN
A problem?
CONSTABLE HAMMER
Your Civic…
BUD LIEBERMAN
What about my Civic?
CONSTABLE GUNN
Don’t get excited, Mr. Lieberman…
CONSTABLE HAMMER
Don’t get excited…
BUD LIEBERMAN
What’s happened to my Civic?
CONSTABLE GUNN
Some punks stole it from the Seven-Eleven parking lot.
BUD LIEBERMAN
Punks?
CONSTABLE HAMMER
They crashed it into a dumpster, Mr. Lieberman.
BUD LIEBERMAN
My Civic?
CONSTABLE GUNN
Your boy left it unlocked, Mr. Lieberman.
CONSTABLE HAMMER
Unlocked, Mr. Lieberman, with the key in the ignition. That’s how it got stolen.
BUD LIEBERMAN
Why, that stupid kid! I’ll whup his butt so hard!
CONSTABLE GUNN
No you won’t, Mr. Lieberman.
CONSTABLE HAMMER
That would be child abuse, Mr. Lieberman…
BUD LIEBERMAN
He deserves to be abused!
CONSTABLE HAMMER
Settle down, Mr. Lieberman. Your Civic’s been towed to a wrecking yard. Here’s the phone number.
(He hands a small card to BUD.)
CONSTABLE GUNN
Later, Mr. Lieberman.
CONSTABLE HAMMER
Ciao, Mr. Lieberman. And remember…keep your mitts off your kid.
(They exit as DON DON, ELLY DON,and BABY DON enter.)
ELLY DON
Bud! We went out back of our place to barbecue some beef…
DON DON
And we saw that spaceship in your backyard.
BUD LIEBERMAN
Doesn’t anyone knock around here?
BABY DON
Mom, why’d you drag me over here with you?
ELLY DON
Because.
BABY DON
Because?
DON DON
Don’t talk back to your mother.
BABY DON
Dad, you’re embarrassing me!
ELLY DON
Shut up, Baby. Bud, that ship’s got to go.
DON DON
There’s a by-law against things like that.
BUD LIEBERMAN
I know, Don…By Law One Seventeen.
BABY DON
Mom, I’m fourteen. I can stay home by myself.
ELLY DON
Not while there’s a large pointy object in our neighbour’s back yard.
BABY DON
It’s just a dumb spaceship.
DON DON
(to BUD)
The sun reflects off the metal.
ELLY DON
It shines right into our bedroom.
DON DON
Elly and I were trying to have a nap…
ELLY DON
And then first thing you know, there’s sun in our eyes.
ELLY DON
Mom, you’re embarrassing me!
DON DON
Don’t talk back to your mother!
BUD LIEBERMAN
You couldn’t just pull the shades?
ELLY DON
What?
BUD LIEBERMAN
Pull the shades…on your window in your bedroom?
DON DON
Why would we do that?
BUD LIEBERMAN
So the reflections from the spaceship don’t bother you.
ELLY DON
We shouldn’t have to pull any shades.
DON DON
We shouldn’t have to.
ELLY DON
Why should we have to?
DON DON
We never had to before you got that spaceship.
BABY DON
Can we go home now?
BUD LIEBERMAN
I didn’t “get” that spaceship.
ELLY DON
Then who did, Bud?
DON DON
Who did, if you didn’t?
BUD LIEBERMAN
I don’t know.
BABY DON
Can we go home?
ELLY DON
You don’t know?
DON DON
How could you not know?
ELLY DON
A big, shiny thing like that…
BUD LIEBERMAN
I just got home…from working in the wiener department….
BABY DON
This is weird…
ELLY DON
We don’t care about your wieners!
DON DON
Get that spaceship out of here or we’ll call the cops.
BABY DON
Why are you being so weird?
ELLY DON
The cops, Bud. Think about that.
(ELLY and DON DON exit, forgetting about BABY DON, who stands there awkwardly staring at BUD.)
BUD LIEBERMAN
Shouldn’t you go with your Mom and Dad, Baby?
BABY DON
You’re creepy, Mr. Lieberman.
BUD LIEBERMAN
What?
BABY DON
You’re creepy.
BUD LIEBERMAN
Creepy?
BABY DON
Why are you looking at me like that?
BUD LIEBERMAN
Huh?
BABY DON
(backing away)
Are you trying to hypnotize me, Mr. Lieberman?
BUD LIEBERMAN
Hypnotize?
BABY DON
You’re creepy.
(BABY DON turns and runs off as the three RENOVATORS enter.)
BUNTY MOON
You got a problem, Mr. Lieberman.
HETTY WEDGE
Bugs, Mr. Lieberman…thousands of bugs.
LIBBY HINGE
In the walls, Mr. Lieberman…crawling about, making nests…
BUD LIEBERMAN
There are no bugs in my house.
BUNTY MOON
You calling us liars, pal?
HETTY WEDGE
You saying we’re yanking your chain?
LIBBY HINGE
You think we’re making it up?
BUD LIEBERMAN
There are no bugs in this house!
BUNTY MOON
If you want to pretend you ain’t got bugs, you go right ahead. But we got to build an isolation booth, and them bugs is in the way.
HETTY WEDGE
We got to charge extra for working in buggy conditions.
LIBBY HINGE
We got to do a lot of swatting, and that takes time.
BUNTY MOON
We don’t got a lot of time, see.
HETTY WEDGE
We got to get the booth installed by morning.
LIBBY HINGE
You just go ahead and pretend them bugs ain’t there, mister. You just go right ahead.
BUNTY MOON
But don’t be all, “Oh, oh, there’s bugs in my isolation booth”…don’t be all, “Oh, oh, I got a bug bite on my privates!” when you’re in there doin’ whatever you’re gonna do in there.
(They exit.)
BUD LIEBERMAN
(calling after them)
What would I do in an isolation booth, anyway? Read the newspaper?
End of Scene 5.
Spaceship by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 6:
(CANDY LIEBERMAN enters.)
CANDY LIEBERMAN
I can’t find your slippers, Dad. I can never find your slippers.
BUD LIEBERMAN
I don’t have slippers. I’ve never had slippers.
CANDY LIEBERMAN
Mom always sends me to find them.
BUD LIEBERMAN
Your mother’s a good woman.
CANDY LIEBERMAN
Aren’t dogs supposed to fetch slippers for their masters?
BUD LIEBERMAN
Do you know why there’s a spaceship in the back yard, Candy?
CANDY LIEBERMAN
It’s got something to do with Mom.
BUD LIEBERMAN
What? What does it have to do with your mother?
CANDY LIEBERMAN
I don’t know. I’m just a kid.
(She exits as FRANK and MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH enter.)
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
Bud! Have you seen J.J. and Dinky?
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
We just got back from the bar and they aren’t home.
BUD LIEBERMAN
They went to the mall with Nancy.
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
And you didn’t stop them?
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
What were you thinking, Bud?
BUD LIEBERMAN
It’s just the mall.
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
“Just the mall,” he says. “Just the mall!”
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
Do you know what goes on at malls, Bud?
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
Do you?
BUD LIEBERMAN
People shop for stuff.
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
Sure. They shop for stuff. But what else do they do, Bud?
BUD LIEBERMAN
Eat.
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
Bingo!
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
And what do they eat?
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
Junk! That’s what they eat. And my kids aren’t allowed to eat junk.
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
Me and Martha can eat junk, because we’re adults.
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
We can drink ourselves silly down at the bar, because we’re adults.
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
But our kids aren’t adults.
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
Do you think our kids are adults, Bud?
BUD LIEBERMAN
No.
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
Then why in the name of all that’s decent did you let them go to the mall, Bud?
BUD LIEBERMAN
They’re your kids, not mine!
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
That’s a low blow, Bud…a low blow.
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
Are you saying we’re not good parents?
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
Who are you to tell us how to bring up our kids?
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
We don’t have a spaceship in our back yard!
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
Our back yard is spaceship free!
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
You can look anywhere you want in our backyard, and you won’t find a spaceship anywhere.
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
But you’ve got a spaceship in your backyard.
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
A spaceship, sitting right there, sticking up in the air like some sort of giant appendage!
BUD LIEBERMAN
Appendage?
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
It’s indecent.
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
You’ve got some sort of huge, indecent tribute to the male organ in your yard, and you tell us that we’re not good parents?
BUD LIEBERMAN
I didn’t say you’re not good parents!
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
Sure, we go to the bar once in a while…
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
…to wind down…
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
…and we leave the kids at home…
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
…but they’ve got television…
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
…and the internet…
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
…and a furnace they can turn up or down, depending on the weather.
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
So don’t tell us we’re bad parents!
BUD LIEBERMAN
I don’t have anything to do with that spaceship, or with your kids.
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
You’re a bad neighbour, Bud Lieberman. Deal with that obscene spaceship or we’ll call the cops.
(They exit.)
End of Scene 6.
Spaceship by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 7:
(PEGGY BLOT, the exterminator, enters.)
PEGGY BLOT
You the owner of this dump?
BUD LIEBERMAN
Dump?
PEGGY BLOT
Well, are you.
BUD LIEBERMAN
This is my house, yes.
PEGGY BLOT
I’m here to do the extermination.
BUD LIEBERMAN
Pardon?
PEGGY BLOT
The extermination….you know….get rid of the bugs!
BUD LIEBERMAN
We don’t have bugs.
PEGGY BLOT
Yes you do.
(pointing)
There’s one now!
BUD LIEBERMAN
Where?
PEGGY BLOT
There!
(pointing)
And there!
(pointing)
And there! You got bugs everywhere!
BUD LIEBERMAN
I can’t see anything.
PEGGY BLOT
That’s ‘cause you ain’t an expert. I’ll start with the attic.
BUD LIEBERMAN
No! I don’t want an exterminator!
PEGGY BLOT
You got to! The law says a house has got to be doused if it’s got bugs.
BUD LIEBERMAN
But I can’t afford it!
PEGGY BLOT
Sure you can, on our ee-zee lay-away plan. Now excuse me…the sooner I start killing the better.
(She exits.)
BUD LIEBERMAN
Belle! BELLE! What the dickens is going on? BELLE! BELLE!
(BUD exits in search of his wife.)
End of Scene 7.
Spaceship by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 8:
(BOOSTER and ORBIT SPANDEX enter. BOOSTER has been annoying
ORBIT, so ORBIT is chasing him.)
ORBIT SPANDEX
Booster, Booster, Booster, Booster! WABBO! WABBO! IK DUK WABBO!
BOOSTER SPANDEX
NIK NIK NIK, Orbit. NIK, NIK, NIK!
ORBIT SPANDEX
KAB SUPPO WABBO! NIK NIK WABBO!
BOOSTER SPANDEX
Orbit, Orbit, Orbit TOON! Orbit TOON!
(STAR SPANDEX enters/)
STAR SPANDEX
ORBIT! BOOSTER! You are on Earth, in an Earthling’s living room…you must speak Earth language!
BOOSTER SPANDEX
I hate Earth! It has an unpleasant odour!
ORBIT SPANDEX
I want to go back to Lanolin!
STAR SPANDEX
We can’t go back to Lanolin until Mommo and Daddo complete the mission!
BOOSTER and ORBIT SPANDEX
How long! How long!
(They begin to wail with despair.)
STAR SPANDEX
Mommo says soon. Daddo says soon. Do not make water come out of your eyes.
BOOSTER SPANDEX
Woo hoooo! I miss my pet Golgobog.
ORBIT SPANDEX
Woo hoooo! I miss my inflatable Fabboli.
STAR SPANDEX
Stop it! You must be brave Lanolians.
BOOSTER SPANDEX
You like it here, don’t you, Star.
ORBIT SPANDEX
Admit it, Star…you like planet Earth.
STAR SPANDEX
I just think we should stop saying the complaining words.
ORBIT SPANDEX
You like it here because you want to make tikky-tikky with an Earth boy, Star.
STAR SPANDEX
I do not!
ORBIT SPANDEX
Do so! You’re in love with an Earth mammal!
BOOSTER SPANDEX
Star’s in love with a mammal! Star’s in love with a mammal!
STAR SPANDEX
Shut up, Booster, or I’ll turn off your oxygen conversion unit!
ORBIT SPANDEX
But he’ll die if you do that, Star!
BOOSTER SPANDEX
We Lanolians must convert oxygen into yogurt or die!
STAR SPANDEX
Then quit saying I’m in love with an Earth boy!
ORBIT SPANDEX
You are so very touchy about it, Star.
BOOSTER SPANDEX
Mommo and Daddo will have the anger feelings if they find out you love an Earth boy.
STAR SPANDEX
Enough! No more talk of Earth boys! Why must you torment me?
(DEX and GALAXIA SPANDEX enter with GRANNY COSMINA.)
GALAXIA SPANDEX
BIKKO! BIKKO WABBOTO! Do I hear quarreling?
DEX SPANDEX
Galaxia! Speak EARTH for heaven’s sake!
GRANNY COSMINA
Do not tribulate her, Dex. She’s suffering from yogurt deprivation.
STAR SPANDEX
Poor Mommo…her oxygen conversion unit is malfunctioning.
GALAXIA SPANDEX
It’s all right, my little Spandex children! Mommo doesn’t mind having less yogurt than the rest of you…
DEX SPANDEX
Your Mommo is a martyr, children. She insisted on using the faulty conversion unit so the rest of us could have sufficient yogurt.
GALAXIA SPANDEX
I’m a good Mommo, you see…I am willing to suffer just so you can all be healthy.
ORBIT COSMINA
Granny Cosmina, why don’t you utilize the faulty conversion unit, and give your good one to Mommo?
BOOSTER SPANDEX
Yes, Granny Cosmina. You’re eight hundred and sixty-two Earth years old. How much longer do you need to live, anyway?
GRANNY COSMINA
Ungrateful billibutts! If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have a mommo, because I’m the one who built her!
STAR SPANDEX
Leave Granny Cosmina alone, Booster and Orbit! We must respect our elders!
DEX SPANDEX
That’s right, Star. Granny Cosmina is sacred.
BOOSTER SPANDEX
Why is she sacred?
GALAXIA SPANDEX
Because she has been blessed by the Empress of the Fortrel Galaxy!
(There is a great sound of electronic warbling, and the
GREAT EMPRESS DETOX of the Fortrel Galaxy enters.)
DEX SPANDEX
Empress Detox, Magnificent Ruler of the Fortrel Galaxy! We dance before your projected image!
(The SPANDEX FAMILY dances the ritual dance of humble subservience for some time.)
EMPRESS DETOX
Enough! I tire of your capering!
GALAXIA SPANDEX
Children! Provide a transmission link through harmonic warbling!
STAR, ORBIT, and BOOSTER SPANDEX
Yes, Mommo. WOOGY WOOGY KIBBUL BOK BOK HOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
(They continue to go “hooooooooom” softly throughout the dialogue, touching their fingers to their temples and shutting their eyes tightly.)
EMPRESS DETOX
Dex and Galaxia Spandex, why haven’t you completed the mission?
GALAXIA SPANDEX
Forgive us, Oh Royal Projected Image of the Great Empress Detox!
DEX SPANDEX
We need more time!
GRANNY COSMINA
The Earthlings are difficult to work with!
GALAXIA SPANDEX
It took us a full Earth morning to find a place to live!
DEX SPANDEX
And a full Earth afternoon to clean it up!
EMPRESS DETOX
Why has it taken you such an unbelievably long time to do this?
GRANNY COSMINA
No one would let us rent an apartment, townhouse, or basement suite!
GALAXIA SPANDEX
They kept telling us that they don’t allow pets or aliens.
DEX SPANDEX
They said their parking stalls were too small for our spaceship.
GRANNY COSMINA
Time after time we were turned away.
GALAXIA SPANDEX
It seemed hopeless, your Majesty!
EMPRESS DETOX
But you found someone in the end, did you not?
DEX SPANDEX
Yes…an Earth woman called Belle Lieberman.
GALAXIA SPANDEX
She has what they call a “massive mortgage”…
EMPRESS DETOX
Massive mortgage? What is a “massive mortgage”?
GRANNY COSMINA
It is a loan, oh Great One!
EMPRESS DETOX
What is a “loan”?
DEX SPANDEX
The Earthlings borrow money from a place called a bank so that they can buy a shelter.
GALAXIA SPANDEX
Then they must pay the money back to the bank.
GRANNY COSMINA
But the payments are crippling…
DEX SPANDEX
Both Earthling parents must work to make enough money to pay the bank…
GALAXIA SPANDEX
So the children have no one at home to love them…
EMPRESS DETOX
How cruel! Earth is indeed a horrible place!
GRANNY COSMINA
But Belle Lieberman refuses to go to work.
DEX SPANDEX
She stays home to look after her three children.
GALAXIA SPANDEX
So the family doesn’t have enough money for the mortgage payments.
GRANNY COSMINA
So Belle Lieberman was happy to let us rent the basement suite.
DEX SPANDEX
It was filthy by Lanolian standards.
GALAXIA SPANDEX
But we finally got it sanitized.
EMPRESS DETOX
Did you call in the renovators to construct an isolation booth?
GRANNY COSMINA
Oh yes, Great Empress…they are here now, building the booth.
DEX SPANDEX
We also summoned an exterminator.
EMPRESS DETOX
Exterminator?
GALAXIA SPANDEX
A professional bug killer.
EMPRESS DETOX
There are bugs?
GRANNY COSMINA
Earth is full of bugs, and we will die if the bugs bite us.
EMPRESS DETOX
You have acted wisely. Cosmina Spandex. You have proven worthy of my blessing.
GRANNY COSMINA
Thank you, Oh Magnificent Projected Image of the Empress of the Fortrel Galaxy!
EMPRESS DETOX
Now, you must complete your mission as quickly as possible! All of us in the Fortrel Galaxy are depending on you!
DEX SPANDEX
It is a great honour to be entrusted with the mission, your Most Amazing Wonderfulness.
EMPRESS DETOX
Yes. Well, don’t screw it up! I must go now…my strength is failing…I will try to re-project myself again later, when I’m feeling stronger….do your duty, my little Lanolians…do your duty!
(She exits and the three CHILDREN stop their harmonic warbling.)
GALAXIA SPANDEX
Good work, children. Your harmonic warbling was superb.
STAR,ORBIT and BOOSTER SPANDEX
Thank you, Mommo.
DEX SPANDEX
I could eat a Lanolian Bukko Beast. What say we go down in the basement and gobble some nutrition tablets?
BOOSTER and ORBIT SPANDEX
Doobido! Oh Doobido! Nutrition tablets!
GALAXIA SPANDEX
But only one each…you don’t want to explode!
BOOSTER and ORBIT SPANDEX
Consume and go boom!
(They exit with excitement.)
GRANNY COSMINA
Let’s hurry…my digestive sac is squeaking.
(She exits.)
GALAXIA SPANDEX
Oh, Dex…isn’t this a grand adventure?
DEX SPANDEX
Almost as much fun as our syrupsun, Galaxia…
GALAXIA SPANDEX
They call it a “honey moon” on Earth, dear…not a “syrup sun”.
DEX SPANDEX
Galaxia, what if we fail in our mission? All will be lost!
GALAXIA SPANDEX
Yes, all…all will be forever lost!
(They exit so only STAR remains.)
End of Scene 8.
Spaceship by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 9:
(BOBBY LIEBERMAN enters.)
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
Oh, hi!
STAR SPANDEX
Greetings!
(There’s an awkward pause.)
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
How are you enjoying the basement suite?
STAR SPANDEX
It’s clean now.
(Another awkward pause.)
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
Are all the females on Lanolin as pretty as you?
STAR SPANDEX
Oh, I’m not pretty…
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
Yes you are. You’re the prettiest alien female I’ve ever seen.
STAR SPANDEX
I bet you say that to all the alien females.
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
No way. I don’t even say it to Earth girls.
STAR SPANDEX
I’m not like Earth girls. I’m not even a mammal.
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
I don’t care.
STAR SPANDEX
What is your lovely name again?
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
Bobby…Bobby Lieberman…and your name is Star.
STAR SPANDEX
Your brain remembered!
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
How could it forget?
STAR SPANDEX
Are all Earth boys as wholesome as you?
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
Some are, I guess. But some are dorks.
STAR SPANDEX
Dorks?
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
Dork…it means someone who is insensitive, cruel, mean, rude, nasty, brutish, shallow, selfish, ignorant, bigoted, arrogant, manipulative, dysfunctional, sociopathic and vile.
STAR SPANDEX
Oh. On Lanolin, a “Dork” is a turd.
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
Turd?
STAR SPANDEX
Don’t pretend you don’t know what that is.
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
It just sounds wrong, coming from a pretty alien girl like you.
STAR SPANDEX
If you want to be my friend, do not try to stop me from saying the words I need to say.
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
Of course. I didn’t mean to restrict your freedom of speech.
STAR SPANDEX
On Lanolin, we speak our minds openly.
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
It’s dangerous to do that on Earth.
STAR SPANDEX
Why?
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
I don’t know…but it is.
STAR SPANDEX
You’re lonely.
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
I am?
STAR SPANDEX
Yes. I can tell…
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
I guess I am lonely. Isn’t everyone?
STAR SPANDEX
Yes. Everyone is lonely. Even alien girls.
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
I like you, Star…I really do…but I guess liking someone doesn’t make loneliness go away.
STAR SPANDEX
Everyone’s alone, Bobby…even when they’re with someone.
(She reaches out her hand, and he looks at it for a moment…then shyly takes it just as BELLE enters.)
BELLE LIEBERMAN
Bobby! What is the meaning of this?
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
(dropping STAR’S hand guiltily)
Mom! Couldn’t you at least knock?
BELLE LIEBERMAN
It’s the living room, Bobby…not your bedroom.
STAR SPANDEX
Excuse me. I must stride to the basement.
(STAR exits.)
BELLE LIEBERMAN
Now I know why you borrowed fifty dollars for male hygiene products.
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
It’s not what you think, Mom.
ELLE LIEBERMAN
Do you want to scare off our new tenants?
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
What?
BELLE LIEBERMAN
Fooling around with their pretty little daughter on the first day!
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
We weren’t “fooling around”!
BELLE LIEBERMAN
First thing you know, the parents will find out and move out!
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
You’re not being fair!
BELLE LIEBERMAN
We need those tenants, Bobby…we’ll lose the house if we can’t make the mortgage payments!
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
You can’t stop love!
BELLE LIEBERMAN
Bobby! Go to your room, right now!
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
You all hate me!
(BOBBY runs off, terribly upset at this turn of events.)
End of Scene 9.
Spaceship by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 10:
(GRANDPA DOUG and GRANNY GRACIE enter with the three RENOVATORS.)
GRANDPA DOUG
Belle, what in hell’s going on?
GRANNY GRACIE
These three bozos busted into our bedroom!
GRANDPA DOUG
They started drilling a hole in the floor!
BUNTY MOON
We got to follow the plan, eh!
HETTY WEDGE
Got to make a hole in the old folks’ bedroom.
LIBBY HINGE
Can’t be helped, can’t be helped.
GRANDPA DOUG
For the love of Christopher, Belle!
GRANNY GRACIE
We were trying to watch “The Mucky-Mucks”, our favourite sitcom.
BUNTY MOON
Well now, folks, how you gonna get an isolation booth built unless you let us build it?
HETTY WEDGE
We’re here to build, not get in arguments with old folks and swat insects.
LIBBY HINGE
Here to build! You hear us? Build!
GRANDPA DOUG
Don’t get snippy with me, you young pups! I used to stack two-by-fours for twelve hours a day down at the mill!
GRANNY GRACIE
Please, Doug, no violence!
GRANDPA DOUG
When I get worked up, I turn into a killing machine!
BUNTY MOON
Take it easy, Grandpop! I don’t wanna hafta cold-cock you with this hammer!
BELLE LIEBERMAN
I don’t know anything about an isolation booth!
HETTY WEDGE
It’s gonna be a doozy! The best booth in western Canada.
LIBBY HINGE
Completely bomb-proof.
GRANNY GRACIE
Bud must have ordered it.
GRANDPA DOUG
What the hell for?
BUNTY MOON
We just build ‘em, Grandpop…we don’t tell folks how to use ‘em.
HETTY WEDGE
What you do in the booth is your business.
LIBBY HINGE
We don’t ask no questions.
GRANNY GRACIE
I wonder what Bud plans to do in there?
ELLE LIEBERMAN
We can’t afford an isolation booth!
BUNTY MOON
It’s already bin paid for, lady, in cold, hard cash!
HETTY WEDGE
And we got to get it done tonight.
LIBBY HINGE
So are you gonna let us get back to work or what?
GRANDPA DOUG
When I get my hands on that son of mine, I’m going to tan his backside!
GRANNY GRACIE
But Bud doesn’t have any money! How could he pay for an isolation booth?
BELLE LIEBERMAN
Maybe he took out a loan.
BUNTY MOON
Look…the booth’s paid for, we’re here and ready to work, and time’s a-wastin’.
HETTY WEDGE
We got better things to do than stand around.
LIBBY HINGE
There’s holes to drill…
BUNTY MOON
Screws to drive…
HETTY WEDGE
Boards to cut…
LIBBY HINGE
Pipes to weld…
BUNTY MOON
Walls to build…
HETTY WEDGE
Doors to hang…
LIBBY HINGE
Security cameras…
BUNTY MOON
Triple dead-bolts…
HETTY WEDGE
Radiation-proof lead sheets…
LIBBY HINGE
A self-contained life-support system…
BUNTY MOON
With oxygen regenerator…
HETTY WEDGE
…water recycler…
LIBBY HINGE
Hydroponic growth tanks…
BUNTY MOON
And a toilet that converts poo-poo into edible spread!
BUNTY, HETTY, and LIBBY
We got work to do!
BELLE LIEBERMAN
Well, I suppose if it’s paid for, you better get to it!
(The workers exit.)
GRANNY GRACIE
But Belle! Our room!
GRANDPA DOUG
We can’t watch T.V. while they’re hacking and pounding!
BELLE LIEBERMAN
You can use my bedroom tonight. Bud and I will sleep on the hide-a-bed here in the living room.
GRANNY GRACIE
I won’t sleep in a bed with someone else’s dirty sheets!
GRANDPA DOUG
It turns her off, so she won’t cuddle, and I got to cuddle…it’s the only way I can relax enough to sleep!
BELLE LIEBERMAN
I’ll go put clean sheets on the bed right now.
(She exits.)
GRANNY GRACIE
When I tell my friends that you and I still cuddle, Doug, they get jealous.
GRANDPA DOUG
I’m all man. I got to cuddle as often as possible.
GRANNY GRACIE
Do you remember the first time we cuddled?
GRANDPA DOUG
Yup. In the back of your daddy’s Chevy.
GRANNY GRACIE
And nine months later, Bud was born!
GRANDPA DOUG
That’s the part I don’t like to think about.
GRANNY GRACIE
He tries hard.
GRANDPA DOUG
Face it, Gracie…the boy’s as slow as a winter sunrise.
GRANNY GRACIE
He tries hard.
GRANDPA DOUG
I heard you the first time.
GRANNY GRACIE
Do you still love me, Doug?
GRANDPA DOUG
I’m an old man, Gracie, but you still get my juices flowing.
GRANNY GRACIE
I don’t mean that. I mean, do you love me in the tender way.
GRANDPA DOUG
Tender?
GRANNY GRACIE
Everyone needs tenderness.
GRANDPA DOUG
What the hell do you mean by tender?
GRANNY GRACIE
I mean sort of like mashed potato…soft, warm, and comforting…
GRANDPA DOUG
Well, if you want your potatoes mashed, I’m the man to do it.
GRANNY GRACIE
I guess there’s some things you’ll never understand, Dougie.
GRANDPA DOUG
That’s fine with me. Let’s go for a walk in the back yard, Gracie, and watch the summer sunset.
GRANNY GRACIE
All right, Honey…
(They exit.)
End of Scene 10.
Spaceship by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 11:
(CANDY LIEBERMAN enters with PEGGY BLOT.)
CANDY LIEBERMAN
Do you like killing bugs, Ms. Blot?
PEGGY BLOT
Sure do.
CANDY LIEBERMAN
Doesn’t it make you feel just a little bit guilty?
PEGGY BLOT
Why should it?
CANDY LIEBERMAN
Well, bugs are living creatures with brains.
PEGGY BLOT
They don’t got brains, kid; they just got instinct.
CANDY LIEBERMAN
Isn’t instinct a kind of intelligence?
PEGGY BLOT
Naw. An insect’s like a horny boy. It just does what it has to do without thinking about it.
CANDY LIEBERMAN
That’s a rather obscene analogy, don’t you think?
PEGGY BLOT
You sure use big words for such a little kid.
CANDY LIEBERMAN
I like bugs.
PEGGY BLOT
There are some good ones, I guess. I had a pet ladybug once called Juliet.
CANDY LIEBERMAN
Did you kill her?
PEGGY BLOT
By accident. She got into the microwave somehow, just before I nuked some nachos.
CANDY LIEBERMAN
Were you sad?
PEGGY BLOT
I guess. Juliet was a cute little bug. She used to hide in my hair and I’d sneak her into movies.
CANDY LIEBERMAN
If you could learn to love Juliet the ladybug, couldn’t you learn to love and respect all bugs?
PEGGY BLOT
Hey, I got to earn a living, kid. I can’t afford to get all soft and mushy over bedbugs and cockroaches.
CANDY LIEBERMAN
Ms. Blot, please don’t kill the bugs in my bedroom.
PEGGY BLOT
I bin paid to do the whole house, kid.
CANDY LIEBERMAN
But I don’t want death in my bedroom!
PEGGY BLOT
Look, kid…death’s everywhere…even in your bedroom.
CANDY LIEBERMAN
No it’s not…I’m not dying…the bugs aren’t dying…
PEGGY BLOT
For such a smart kid, you ain’t very smart. You got born, didn’t you?
CANDY LIEBERMAN
Yes.
PEGGY BLOT
Then you’re gonna die, ain’t you.
CANDY LIEBERMAN
No I’m not. I’m going to live forever.
PEGGY BLOT
How you gonna do that?
CANDY LIEBERMAN
I don’t know, but I’m gonna do it.
PEGGY BLOT
Good luck.
CANDY LIEBERMAN
If you’re really going to kill the bugs in my room, could you apologize to them first?
PEGGY BLOT
Bugs don’t talk English, kid.
CANDY LIEBERMAN
I know, but somehow I think they’d feel better if you killed them respectfully.
PEGGY BLOT
Well, I guess I could say a few words, if it makes you happy.
CANDY LIEBERMAN
No, not to make me happy…to make the bugs feel better about being put to death.
PEGGY BLOT
I’m don’t got much schooling, kid, but I remember Mrs. DeKlyne in grade nine telling us about something called “pathetic fallacy”…
CANDY LIEBERMAN
Endowing human emotions on non-human things.
PEGGY BLOT
That’s right. You think bugs are us.
CANDY LIEBERMAN
How do you know they’re not?
PEGGY BLOT
Look, I got work to do. Just go watch TV or something while I terminate the bugs in your room.
(She exits.)
End of Scene 11.
Spaceship by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 12:
(NANCY, J.J. and DINKY enter with CONSTABLE GUNN and CONSTABLE HAMMER.)
CANDY LIEBERMAN
Nancy! Are you under arrest?
NANCY LIEBERMAN
Shut up, Candy, you stupid bug-brain.
CONSTABLE HAMMER
No need for that kind of talk, Little Miss Shoplifter.
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
We didn’t shop lift anything, officers…it was Dinky…
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
I didn’t mean to!
CONSTABLE GUNN
You all had crap in your pockets from the dollar store.
CONSTABLE HAMMER
Crap in your pockets…all of you…how do you explain that?
NANCY and J.J.:
Dinky put it there! Dinky put it there!
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
What is “crap”?
CONSTABLE HAMMER
Where’s your Daddy, kid?
NANCY LIEBERMAN
I don’t know…he probably wandered off somewhere…that’s what he usually does when he’s stressed.
(Belle enters.)
BELLE LIEBERMAN
Nancy! Why are the police here?
CANDY LIEBERMAN
Nancy stole some stuff from the dollar store, Mom!
NANCY LIEBERMAN
Shut up, Candy, you little cockroach!
CONSTABLE HAMMER
Easy, now, kid…we don’t want to have to haul you down to juvie.
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
Juvie? What is juvie?
BELLE LIEBERMAN
I’m sure it’s all just some sort of mistake, officers!
CONSTABLE GUNN
No mistake, ma’am.
CONSTABLE HAMMER
They’re as guilty as sin.
NANCY LIEBERMAN
It’s Dinky’s fault, Mom!
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
Dinky put stuff in our pockets, Mrs. Lieberman! And then the store owner grabbed us and put us in a smelly office and locked the door.
NANCY LIEBERMAN
J.J. is claustrophobic, so she started screaming and screaming.
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
I screamed and screamed, but no one came! I was sweating and shaking and running around in little circles, and Dinky was crying, and Nancy kept threatening to hit me over the head with an office chair!
NANCY LIEBERMAN
She needed to be knocked unconscious before she hurt herself, Mom!
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
What is an office chair?
CONSTABLE GUNN
All right, that’s enough.
CONSTABLE HAMMER
The store owner’s not pressing charges. We’re delivering the girls into your care, ma’am.
BELLE LIEBERMAN
But Dinky and J.J. are Bigglesworths, not Liebermans.
CONSTABLE GUNN
There’s no one home at their house.
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
Mommy and Daddy are at the bar getting hammered.
BELLE LIEBERMAN
Then I guess they better stay here until their parents weave home.
CONSTABLE HAMMER
Have you girls learned your lesson?
NANCY, J.J. and DINKY
Yes, Mrs. Policeman!
CONSTABLE HAMMER
Good. Come on, Constable Gunn…we got a four-oh-one and two-five-nine over at Larch Avenue.
(They exit.)
NANCY LIEBERMAN
What’s happened to Daddy, Mom?
BELLE LIEBERMAN
Goodness me! I’d forgotten about your father! He must have wandered off again.
CANDY LIEBERMAN
C’mon, Mom…I’ll help you look for him. He’s probably down at the river standing on the bridge railing again.
(They exit.)
NANCY LIEBERMAN
I hate my life.
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
At least your mom and dad don’t go to the bar every day.
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
I liked all the shiny things in the dollar store.
NANCY LIEBERMAN
But Dinky, you didn’t even know what they were!
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
I can love a thing without knowing what it is, can’t I?
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
Oh, Dinky, why are you so complicated and so simple, all at the same time?
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
What is the same time?
NANCY LIEBERMAN
We could go in my bedroom, I guess.
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
I don’t want to go in there if you still have that bug doll, Nancy.
NANCY LIEBERMAN
It’s dumb to be scared of a bug doll, J.J.
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
Last time it tried to eat my hair, remember?
NANCY LIEBERMAN
Your hair just got caught in Gerby’s plastic mandibles, J.J. She didn’t try to eat it!
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
She did so! She nibbled and nibbled, and I was crying, and you didn’t even try to stop her, Nancy!
NANCY LIEBERMAN
You panicked, J.J. You’re always panicking.
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
Poor J.J.
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
I’m high-strung. I’ve always been high-strung. I feel like everything around me is alive and watching…like everything has shiny eyes and they’re all staring at me.
NANCY LIEBERMAN
That’s so egocentric, J.J. Come on to my room…I’ll hide Gerby in the wall so you don’t have to be scared.
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
Promise to hide her real good, Nancy.
NANCY LIEBERMAN
I promise. Now come on.
(They exit.)
End of Scene 12.
Spaceship by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 13:
(TOM and MINNY BUCKET enter.)
MINNY BUCKET
Bud’s not here, Tom.
TOM BUCKET
I can see that, Minny. He must be hiding somewhere.
MINNY BUCKET
It’s been over an hour and that awful spaceship is still blocking our view of the freeway.
TOM BUCKET
I used to think Bud Lieberman was a nice guy.
MINNY BUCKET
It just goes to show how you can’t trust anyone.
TOM BUCKET
I miss looking at the cars on the freeway.
MINNY BUCKET
The cars were like bugs, but they were also like our children.
TOM BUCKET
We couldn’t have children, but we could pretend the cars were our bug-children.
MINNY BUCKET
Our bug-children, all shiny and cute, beetling along.
TOM BUCKET
But now there’s only that big stupid spaceship.
MINNY BUCKET
Like a horrible giant bug that’s killed all the lovely shiny little bug-children!
TOM BUCKET
Minny, do you still love me?
MINNY BUCKET
What do you mean by “love”, Tom?
TOM BUCKET
I mean do you still feel nice when you think of me?
MINNY BUCKET
Feel?
TOM BUCKET
Do you feel safe and happy when you see me in your head?
MINNY BUCKET
See you in my head?
TOM BUCKET
I can’t see our bug-children in my head.
MINNY BUCKET
Right now I see you, Tom.
TOM BUCKET
And?
MINNY BUCKET
I see you, but nothing’s happening.
TOM BUCKET
That’s what I was afraid of.
MINNY BUCKET
Perhaps it’s because of that spaceship.
TOM BUCKET
Yes. That spaceship is making it so you don’t love me.
MINNY BUCKET
I hate the spaceship so much.
TOM BUCKET
I want to smash it to bits.
MINNY BUCKET
I want to smash and smash lots of things.
TOM BUCKET
Smash the bugship…I mean spaceship…
MINNY BUCKET
Bug it! Bug it! Bug it! Bugship!
TOM BUCKET
Minny?
MINNY BUCKET
Yes, Tom?
TOM BUCKET
Are we bugs?
MINNY BUCKET
You and me?
TOM BUCKET
Are we bugs?
MINNY BUCKET
I think so, Tom. I think I am a bug. And Tom, I think you are a bug, too.
(Peggy Blot enters.)
PEGGY BLOT
A couple of big ones!
(She chases TOM and MINNY offstage, squirting them with poison.)
End of Scene 13.
Spaceship by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 14:
(EMPRESS DETOX of the Fortrel Galaxy manifests.)
EMPRESS DETOX
I am a projected image of Empress Detox of the Fortrel Galaxy, floating, floating, in the earthling’s living quarters. I see their strange possessions and odd colour choices. I sense their awful, terrible aloneness. I must let water run from my eyes, for I am in the weeping mode. Oh, earthlings, why are you so determined to be alone?
(She exits.)
End of Scene 14.
Spaceship by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 15:
(Don Don and Elly Don enter with Baby Don.)
DON DON
Where were you standing when Mr. Lieberman looked at you funny, Baby Don?
BABY DON
Right here, Dad.
ELLY DON
And he tried to hypnotize you?
BABY DON
He looked at me real funny, like as if he wanted me to dance for him.
DON DON
Dance for him?
BABY DON
Like as if he was sad or something, and needed me to dance so he could be happy.
ELLY DON
That’s not normal. That’s definitely not normal, is it, Don?
DON DON
It’s not normal. It’s not what I’d call average or everyday.
BABY DON
And he made me sad just looking at him, and I didn’t want to be sad. It’s not fair that he made me sad.
DON DON
He’s got no right to make it so you don’t feel normal, Baby Don.
ELLY DON
We want you to feel normal, average, everyday, Baby Don.
BABY DON
But I don’t feel normal. I feel un-normal. I got a sadness in me, and it’s all Mr. Lieberman’s fault.
DON DON
He let a spaceship park in his back yard.
ELLY DON
He made it so the sun reflected off the spaceship and blinded us in our bedroom.
DON DON
And while we were blind, he hypnotized our baby.
ELLY DON
And put all his sadness in her.
BABY DON
Why? Why? Why? Why did he make me have so much sadness?
DON DON
We only want to be normal.
ELLY DON
We don’t want the bright sunlight shining in our eyes.
BABY DON
I don’t want to feel anything.
DON DON
Normal, average, everyday…that’s all we ask.
ELLY DON
No bright sunlight…just gray shade.
DON DON
I want to kill Bud Lieberman, and that’s not normal.
BABY DON
Mommy and Daddy taught me not to feel. They taught me to be normal.
ELLY DON
But now the spaceship has ruined everything.
DON DON
We must face the facts. The spaceship is not average, not normal, not everyday.
BABY DON
No! I can’t! I won’t!
ELLY DON
No more normal, Don Don, no more normal?
DON DON
No more normal, Elly Don.
BABY DON
You made me this way, Mommy and Daddy! You made it so I hate to feel! You! You! You!
ELLY DON
We just wanted you to be normal, honey.
BABY DON
I am feeling and it hurts! It hurts!
DON DON
We are no longer normal.
ELLY DON
We are no longer average.
DON DON and ELLY DON
We are no longer everyday.
(CONSTABLE HAMMER and CONSTABLE GUNN enter.)
CONSTABLE HAMMER
Are you Don Don, Elly Don, and Baby Don?
DON DON, ELLY, and BABY DON
Yes, we are Don Don, Elly Don, and Baby Don.
CONSTABLES HAMMER and GUNN
Bad news!
DON DON, ELLY, and BABY DON
Tell us! Tell us!
CONSTABLE GUNN:
Your house!
DON DON, ELLY, and BABY DON
What about our house?
CONSTABLE HAMMER
It has burned to the ground.
DON DON
But we were just there!
CONSTABLE GUNN
It burned quickly.
CONSTABLE HAMMER
Somehow, sunlight struck your home in some sort of intense way, and the whole thing went up in seconds.
ELLY DON
I don’t even smell smoke!
CONSTABLE GUNN
There was no smoke…only fire.
BABY DON
Only fire, like the fire in my head!
DON DON
Forgive us, officers, we are feeling, we are feeling.
ELLY DON
We tried not to feel, but we failed. And now, we have no home.
CONSTABLE HAMMER
Come with us. We’ll drive you around the block for a while. That’ll give you some time to sort things out.
CONSTABLE GUNN
You can sort things out in the back of our cruiser while at the same time we drive around the block.
CONSTABLE HAMMER
You gotta get some time to sort things out.
DON DON, ELLY, and BABY DON
Yes, we must sort things out sometime.
(They all exit.)
End of Scene 15.
Spaceship by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 16:
(Frank and Martha Bigglesworth enter.)
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
No one’s here.
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
But that hideous spaceship is still out there, as obscene as ever.
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
I bet J.J. and Dinky are in this god-forsaken house somewhere.
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
We go to the bar for a couple of drinks to wind down after a tough day at the stock exchange, and the Liebermans steal our children!
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
Kidnapping our tykes because they think we’re irresponsible!
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
The nerve! They’ve got that nasty extra-terrestrial monstrosity sitting out there, and they think they’re somehow better than us?
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
I’d like to smash that thing with a sledge hammer.
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
Maybe they put J.J. and Dinky in that spaceship.
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
They wouldn’t dare!
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
I was on a spaceship once.
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
Bullcrap.
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
I was.
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
When?
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
When I was a kid.
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
No kidding?
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
It’s the god’s honest truth, partner.
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
What was it like?
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
Oh, you know…aliens inserting probes into me…the usual.
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
Inserting probes? God, Martha, I don’t know what to say!
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
I’m kidding! Where’s your sense of humour, man? Goshamighty, you’ve forgotten how to laugh!
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
J.J. and Dinky…maybe the aliens are messing with them right now!
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
What?
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
The aliens…
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
What aliens?
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
The ones in the spaceship….
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
What the hell are you talking about, Frank?
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
I’m talking about aliens!
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
There’s no such things as aliens, Frank, except in the movies.
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
But there’s a spaceship in Bud Lieberman’s back yard!
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
So?
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
So aliens fly around in spaceships!
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
Wait a minute…what’s going on here?
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
I guess we forgot that spaceships come from space and carry aliens!
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
Well smack my booty and call me fruity! You’re right! Space plus ship equals aliens. It’s simple arithmetic!
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
I say we get the aliens to kidnap J.J. and Dinky, and then sell the story to the news networks.
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
Good plan, Franky. You’re a real mastermind! NO! NO! NO! You IDIOT! They’re our CHILDREN, for the love of Harold!
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
Oh yeah. I forgot. We love them.
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
I mean sure, we go to the bar and leave them home alone, but we love them, eh? No one can say we don’t love them!
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
No one can say that.
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
Knowing I love my kids makes me feel good.
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
Yep. We can abandon them without guilt because we love them.
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
Just so long as our feelings are in the right place, everything else is okay!
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
Warm, fuzzy feelings make us free to get potted at the bar without guilt!
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
I love warm fuzzy feelings even more than I love my kids!
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
Let’s go back to the bar, and get even warmer and fuzzier!
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
Franky, I’m glad we had this little dance!
(They exit.)
End of Scene 16.
Spaceship by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 17:
(BUD LIEBERMAN enters with BELLE.)
BELLE LIEBERMAN
Bud, you’ve got to stop standing on the handrail in the middle of the bridge. It stops traffic.
BUD LIEBERMAN
I just go there to clear my mind.
BELLE LIEBERMAN
People think you’re going to jump.
BUD LIEBERMAN
Not without a chute.
BELLE LIEBERMAN
If you’re depressed, you should seek professional help.
BUD LIEBERMAN
Will you tell me about the spaceship now?
BELLE LIEBERMAN
They’re our new tenants.
BUD LIEBERMAN
Who?
BELLE LIEBERMAN
The aliens in the spaceship. They needed a place to stay and I gave it to them.
BUD LIEBERMAN
They’re willing to pay the rent?
BELLE LIEBERMAN
Every penny!
BUD LIEBERMAN
That’s great, honey. Why didn’t you tell me when I first asked?
BELLE LIEBERMAN
I thought you might get mad at me.
BUD LIEBERMAN
Why would I do that?
BELLE LIEBERMAN
Because I took them in without checking their references.
BUD LIEBERMAN
Aw, Belle, I trust your intuition. I’m sure they’re nice aliens.
BELLE LIEBERMAN
I sure hope so. We don’t want smokers or drinkers or party animals in our basement!
BUD LIEBERMAN
That’s for sure.
BELLE LIEBERMAN
And now we can make the mortgage payments!
BUD LIEBERMAN
You’re great, honey…I love you so much.
BELLE LIEBERMAN
See how everything works out in the end?
BUD LIEBERMAN
Yeah.
(They hug as the three RENOVATORS enter.)
BUNTY MOON
Well, isn’t that cute! Huggles for Daddy!
HETTY WEDGE
We got good news and bad news.
LIBBY HINGE
The good news is that the isolation booth is finished.
BUNTY MOON
The bad news is that we’re undercover agents for the Canadian Government and you two are under arrest.
BUD LIEBERMAN
Under arrest? For what?
HETTY WEDGE
Hiding illegal aliens in your basement.
BELLE LIEBERMAN
Illegal aliens? Why are they illegal?
LIBBY HINGE
They’re from space, kids. There’s laws against their kind infesting our homes.
BUD LIEBERMAN
Infesting?
BUNTY MOON
You got more than bugs in this house, sweethearts. You got space creatures, and space creatures are not welcome among us earthlings!
HETTY WEDGE
Now come with us. We’re locking you in the isolation booth.
LIBBY HINGE
We got work to do, and we don’t want you in the way while we do it. MOVE!
(BUD and BELLE are escorted offstage.)
End of Scene 17.
Spaceship by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 18:
(Grandpa Doug and Granny Gracie enter.)
GRANNY GRACIE
It was nice out there in the back yard, looking at the sunset.
GRANDPA DOUG
Yep, except for that damned spaceship.
GRANNY GRACIE
It’s a big one.
GRANDPA DOUG
Reminds me of that b-train semi I used to drive, hauling woodchips to Kitimat.
GRANNY GRACIE
That was a long time ago, dear.
GRANDPA DOUG
Guess we got old somewhere along the way, Gracie.
GRANNY GRACIE
Guess we did, Doug.
GRANDPA DOUG
But we can still cuddle, that’s the main thing.
GRANNY GRACIE
You know, Doug, sometimes I get tired of your obsession with “cuddling”.
GRANDPA DOUG
But cuddling is the best thing in the world!
GRANNY GRACIE
There’s lots of other things to do besides cuddle.
GRANDPA DOUG
But they’re not as much fun!
GRANNY GRACIE
I’m getting angry, Doug.
GRANDPA DOUG
Now, Gracie…don’t spoil my nice evening with one of your hissy-fits.
GRANNY GRACIE
Hissy-fits? Hissy-fits?
GRANDPA DOUG
I love you and everything, Gracie…always have…but I can’t stand them hissy-fits!
GRANNY GRACIE
This is the first time you’ve ever accused me of having “hissy-fits”, Doug!
GRANDPA DOUG
Well, them fits don’t happen that often, but when they do, it gives me a headache.
GRANNY GRACIE
Well, I’m so sorry! I have to listen to you tell the same stories over and over day in and day out, and put up with your endless demands for cuddles, and you complain about an occasional hissy-fit?
GRANDPA DOUG
Let’s just forget I ever mentioned it.
GRANNY GRACIE
How can I forget it? HOW? After all these years of living with a man, I suddenly see a side of him that’s always been hidden.
GRANDPA DOUG
I got to have a few secrets, don’t I? How can a man live without a few secrets?
GRANNY GRACIE
I don’t know, and frankly I don’t care! You’re sleeping on your own tonight.
GRANDPA DOUG
Aw, Gracie…where am I gonna do that? We’re stuck in Belle and Bud’s room, and the only place other than the bed is the cold, hard, floor!
GRANNY GRACIE
It’ll do you good to suffer for a change.
GRANDPA DOUG
Aw, Gracie!
(The three RENOVATORS enter.)
BUNTY MOON
Well, old timers, I hope you like small spaces.
GRANDPA DOUG
Huh?
HETTY WEDGE
We’re secret agents working for the Canadian government. We’re locking you in the isolation booth.
LIBBY HINGE
You’re charged with hiding illegal aliens in the basement!
GRANDPA DOUG
What the…?
GRANNY GRACIE
Illegal aliens!
(They are escorted away by the RENOVATORS.)
End of Scene 18.
Spaceship by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 19:
(NANCY, J.J., DINKY, and CANDY enter. J.J. is freaking out.)
NANCY LIEBERMAN
J.J.! J.J.! Please stop hollering!
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
Your bug-doll! YOUR BUG-DOLL! It bit my face! God, Nancy…how could you let it bite my face?
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
Poor J.J.! Why, Nancy? What is her shaking?
CANDY LIEBERMAN
I told you to get rid of your stupid doll, Nancy.
NANCY LIEBERMAN
Shut up, Candy. Can’t you see that J.J. needs us?
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
How horrible! Bitten by a doll! Bitten on my face!
NANCY LIEBERMAN
It’s just your imagination, J.J. Look!
(She moves J.J.’s hand against J.J.’s face, to show that nothing happened.)
NANCY LIEBERMAN
Feel any bite marks! Is there any blood? No!
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
Oh, god, Nancy…what if I’m going crazy? Am I GOING CRAZY?
CANDY LIEBERMAN
She might be going crazy.
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
What is crazy?
(The three RENOVATORS enter.)
BUNTY MOON
Right! You’re coming with us…
HETTY WEDGE
To the isolation chamber…
LIBBY HINGE
You’re charged with hiding aliens in your basement!
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
But me and Dinky don’t even live here!
BUNTY MOON
So? Neither do we.
(They escort the girls offstage.)
End of Scen 19.
Spaceship by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 20:
(STAR SPANDEX enters, leading BOBBY LIEBERMAN.)
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
What are you doing, Star?
STAR SPANDEX
You are in danger, my Bobby Lieberman. I must save you.
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
Danger? What kind of danger?
STAR SPANDEX
I do not know, earth boy…I only know that danger-jangles are fizzing in my cortex.
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
I wonder were everyone has gone?
STAR SPANDEX
There is a terrible silence. Star Spandex is afraid.
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
Maybe they just went for a walk or something.
STAR SPANDEX
Do not be naïve, my Bobby. Something terrible is happening!
(The three RENOVATORS enter.)
BUNTY MOON
There’s another one!
HETTY WEDGE
He’s with an alien!
LIBBY HINGE
Grab them!
(The RENOVATORS chase STAR and BOBBY, who duck and weave
in an effort to escape.)
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
(on the run)
Star! Star! Save yourself!
(He tries to slow the three RENOVATORS as STAR exits. The
RENOVATORS hold BOBBY.)
BUNTY MOON
Your little space friend escaped.
HETTY WEDGE
But we’ve got you.
LIBBY HINGE
We’re going to stuff you in that isolation booth along with the rest of those traitors!
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
Traitors!
(They haul BOBBY away.)
End of Scene 20.
Spaceship by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 21:
(STAR SPANDEX enters with the rest of the SPANDEX FAMILY.)
STAR SPANDEX
Mommo, Daddo, Granny Cosmina! The terrible thing is happening!
DEX SPANDEX
It is happening much sooner than we expected!
STAR SPANDEX
Already, the host family is locked in the isolation booth!
GRANNY COSMINA
We must summon Empress Detox!
GALAXIA SPANDEX
Booster and Orbit! Press your digits against your temples!
BOOSTER and ORBIT SPANDEX
(pressing fingers against their temples)
Like this, Mommo?
GALAXIA SPANDEX
Yes! Now begin your harmonic warbling!
BOOSTER and ORBIT SPANDEX
Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmm!
(As they warble,the projected image of EMPRESS DETOX appears.)
GRANNY COSMINA
Almighty Empress Detox, the terrible thing is happening!
EMPRESS DETOX
Is the host family in the isolation booth?
GALAXIA SPANDEX
Yes, Empress Detox…all of them…
STAR SPANDEX
But there are two others in there…
EMPRESS DETOX
Others?
STAR SPANDEX
Two earth children who are not part of the host family!
EMPRESS DETOX
Then they too must be transferred to the interstellar cruiser.
DEX SPANDEX
But Empress, that will disturb the cosmic energy fields…
EMPRESS DETOX
It is a risk that must be taken.
STAR SPANDEX
Empress…the Earth boy…Bobby…must he go too?
EMPRESS DETOX
Yes, Star Spandex…the Earth Boy Bobby must go too.
STAR SPANDEX
But Empress…I love him!
GALAXIA SPANDEX
Star! You are speaking to the Empress! Apologize!
EMPRESS DETOX
No, no…she need not apologize. After all, we are doing this for love, are we not?
GRANNY COSMINA, DEX, GALAXIA, STAR
For love!
EMPRESS DETOX
You have my permission to proceed…
GRANNY COSMINA, DEX, GALAXIA, STAR
We will proceed!
(EMPRESS DETOX disappears, and BOOSTER and ORBIT stop their harmonic warbling.)
GRANNY COSMINA
Let us begin immediately.
(The SPANDEX family exits.)
End of Scene 21.
Spaceship by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 22:
(PEGGY BLOT enters.)
PEGGY BLOT
Them bugs was hard to kill. Seemed like they was desperate to live. I had to use the hard stuff on ‘em. Sometimes, only the hard stuff works…and sometimes, even that don’t do the job. Now I got to kill the really big ones. It ain’t going to be easy.
(The three RENOVATORS enter.)
BUNTY MOON
An exterminator!
HETTY WEDGE
Who sent you?
LIBBY HINGE
What agency do you work for?
PEGGY BLOT
That’s for me to know and you to find out!
(She attacks the RENOVATORS with her spray bottle…they
gradually succumb, and finally slump offstage.)
PEGGY BLOT
Good. They’ll terminate in a few minutes. My job’s done. If I hurry, I can be back on Dorffle, my home planet, in time for a late night snack of fried boodle-bots.
(She exits.)
End of Scene 22.
Spaceship by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 23:
(The SPANDEX FAMILY enters with the LIEBERMAN FAMILY,J.J.and DINKY. J.J. is exhausted.)
BELLE LIEBERMAN
Bud, this is the Spandex family…our tenants.
BUD LIEBERMAN
Thanks for letting us out of that isolation booth.
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
It was hard to be in there with J.J.
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
I’m sorry I screamed so much.
GRANNY COSMINA
You must listen to us.
DEX SPANDEX
There is not much time.
GALAXIA SPANDEX
You must go onboard our spaceship.
ORBIT and BOOSTER SPANDEX
It will carry you to our home planet Lanolin.
J.J. BIGGLESWORTH
Even me and Dinky?
THE SPANDEX FAMILY
Even you and Dinky.
BUD LIEBERMAN
But why?
BELLE LIEBERMAN
We don’t want to leave our home!
GRANDPA DOUG
We are earthlings!
GRANNY GRACIE
We are afraid!
NANCY LIEBERMAN
I’m not even finished high school!
CANDY LIEBERMAN
I don’t have a spacesuit!
DINKY BIGGLESWORTH
What is “space”?
GRANNY COSMINA
It is necessary for you to leave immediately.
DEX SPANDEX
The universe cannot survive unless you go.
GALAXIA SPANDEX
Everything everywhere is depending on you.
BOOSTER and ORBIT SPANDEX
You must go now! You must go now!
(The LIEBERMANS, J.J., and DINKY huddle together, except
BOBBY, who stands to one side.)
GRANNY COSMINA
We will help you.
(The SPANDEX FAMILY escort the LIEBERMANS, J.J., and DINKY
offstage…only BOBBY and STAR remain onstage.)
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
I can’t leave you, Star.
STAR SPANDEX
You must, Bobby.
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
Come with me…
STAR SPANDEX
It’s no use, Bobby. The cosmic plan cannot be altered.
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
Is falling in love with you part of the plan?
STAR SPANDEX
Of course. Everything is part of the plan.
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
Do you love me, Star?
STAR SPANDEX
Yes. I have always loved you.
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
Always?
STAR SPANDEX
Always. Now you must let me help you onto the spaceship, and then you must say goodbye to me.
BOBBY LIEBERMAN
Will I ever see you again?
STAR SPANDEX
In your dreams.
(They exit.)
End of Scene 23.
Spaceship by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 24:
(TOM and MINNY BUCKET enter weakly.)
TOM BUCKET
Minny…Minny…are you all right?
MINNY BUCKET
I think so, Tom. That bug spray didn’t kill me…it just made me vomit and pass out.
TOM BUCKET
Me too. You know what that means?
MINNY BUCKET
What?
TOM BUCKET
We’re not bugs!
MINNY BUCKET
I guess we’re not, even if we love to pretend that cars going by on the freeway are our bug children!
TOM BUCKET
There’s nothing wrong with make-believe, as long as you remember who you really are.
(CONSTABLES GUNN and HAMMER enter with the DONS.)
CONSTABLE GUNN
Here we are back at the Lieberman’s.
CONSTABLE HAMMER
This is where you’ve decided to go, Mr. and Mrs. Don.
DON DON
Yes. We’ll ask the Liebermans if we can stay here until we get a new home.
ELLY DON
I hope they’ll forgive us for complaining about the spaceship.
DON DON
Spaceship?
ELLY DON
What spaceship?
BABY DON
I’m getting used to having feelings…it’s like seeing colours for the first time or something…everything’s so rich and overwhelming, but beautiful.
TOM BUCKET
Don Don…
MINNY BUCKET
And Elly and Baby Don!
TOM and MINNY
Our neighbours!
(MARTHA and FRANK BIGGLESWORTH enter.)
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
Well, well, the gang’s all here.
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
Except the Liebermans, who’ve got our kids!
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
Hey, anyone seen our brats?
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
Time for the little boogers to go to bed.
DON, ELLY, BABY, TOM, and MINNY
You have no children!
FRANK and MARTHA
Huh?
(They hear the roaring of the spaceship, as it ascends
to the heavens.)
FRANK BIGGLESWORTH
What’s that noise?
(The SPANDEX family enters and forms a tableau.)
DON DON
Say Bud…our house burned down.
ELLY and BABY DON
Can we stay with you for a while?
DEX SPANDEX
Sure you can, Don and Elly.
GALAXIA SPANDEX
There’s plenty of room in the basement.
TOM BUCKET
Hey, neighbours! Good to see you.
MINNY BUCKET
Where’s Grandpa Doug?
GRANNY COSMINA
My husband? He passed away a year ago. Don’t you remember?
TOM, MINNY, DON, ELLY, BABY
Of course. Forgive us. For a moment, we forgot.
MARTHA BIGGLESWORTH
Hey Candy…have you seen J.J. and Dinky?
BOOSTER SPANDEX
Candy? I’m Andy!
FRANK and MARTHA
Of course! Forgive us. For a moment, we forgot.
TOM, MINNY, DON, ELLY, BABY
Andy, not Candy.
BOOSTER and ORBIT SPANDEX
J.J. and Dinky are gone forever!
STAR SPANDEX
You were bad parents, and now you’ve lost them!
THE SPANDEX FAMILY
You were bad parents!
FRANK and MARTHA
It’s our own fault!
THE SPANDEX FAMILY
Love is not enough!
FRANK and MARTHA
It’s our own fault.
(They exit.)
DEX SPANDEX
Come on out to the backyard!
GALAXIA SPANDEX
You’re invited to our barbecue!
GRANNY COSMINA
Sorry about the huge burnt patch on the lawn!
BOOSTER and ORBIT SPANDEX
Come on, neighbours! Let’s have the time of our lives!
(All exit except STAR SPANDEX, who goes downstage
and addresses everything good that’s not her goodness.)
STAR SPANDEX
Bobby? I hope you can hear me! My family and I have been sent to Earth to end the darkness. We are here to make things better…to make the loneliness and fear go away. Wish us luck…we’ll need it.
(The lights fade.)
End of the Play.