Welcomeby Richard Stuart Dixon
© Richard Stuart Dixon, 2004
(Note: Performance of this play requires the author’s permission. Please contact Good School Plays for details.)
Production Notes:
• running time: approx. 40 minutes
• style: realist drama
• suitable for general audiences
• 17 characters (11 female, 6 male)
• black-box staging (no set required)
• simple structure and clear, crisp dialogue, suitable for beginner actors
Summary of Script Content:
• “Starrla Cosmina” is the gentle story of a mysterious young woman who intervenes in the life of a family who are experiencing the loneliness and grief of separation and divorce.
(This play was first performed on October 4, 5, 6, 7, & 8, 2004, at Gleneagle Secondary School in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.)
∗Published Online by Good School Plays, March 26, 2018.
Go to:
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Scene 5
Scene 6
Scene 7
Scene 8
Scene 9
Scene 10
Scene 11
Scene 12
Scene 13
CHARACTERS:
Simon Crumble, 42
Emily Crumble, 14, his daughter
Tina Crumble, 14, his daughter, the twin of Emily.
Starrla Cosmina, a being from Planet One.
Gloria Eterna, Starrla’s adviser from Planet One.
Rebecca Burnam, 39, Simon Crumble’s ex-wife.
Nero Burnam, 44, Rebecca’s second husband.
Sadie Story, 14, friend of Emily and Tina.
Rod Grounder, 14, friend of Emily and Tina.
Theo Logan, 14, friend of Emily and Tina Crumble.
Marley Judge, 14, leader of the Chic Clique.
Lyza Spinner, 14, member of the Chic Clique.
Margie Null, 14, member of the Chic Clique.
Bruce Mynde, 14, member of the Chic Clique.
Terry Fye, 14, member of the Chic Clique.
Ms. Fortuna Wonder, English teacher.
Ms. Alice Method, science teacher.
Starrla Cosmina by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 1:
(We are on Planet One. GLORIA ETERNA speaks to STARRLA COSMINA in a tightly spotlit area.)
STARRLA COSMINA
I don’t feel ready.
GLORIA ETERNA
No one ever does.
STARRLA COSMINA
I’m afraid.
GLORIA ETERNA
You must be brave, Starrla.
STARRLA COSMINA
It’s such a long journey, and so dangerous.
GLORIA ETERNA
Every journey is dangerous, long or short.
STARRLA COSMINA
I’ll be alone.
GLORIA ETERNA
No. You will be all one.
STARRLA COSMINA
All one?
GLORIA ETERNA
That’s what “alone” really means.
STARRLA COSMINA
Alone. All one.
GLORIA ETERNA
Yes.
STARRLA COSMINA
Will you help me when I’m there?
GLORIA ETERNA
If you ask me to.
STARRLA COSMINA
How do I ask?
GLORIA ETERNA
By doing the thing that some of them call praying.
STARRLA COSMINA
What is praying?
GLORIA ETERNA
Talking to someone else in your mind.
STARRLA COSMINA
Who else is in my mind?
GLORIA ETERNA
You’ll see.
(GLORIA ETERNA exits left.)
Starrla Cosmina by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 2:
(STARRLA closes her eyes and the spotlight crossfades to general lights as she journeys to a bus stop on Earth. SIMON CRUMBLE enters upstage right, on his way to work, with his briefcase in his hand, accompanying his daughters EMILY and TINA. They stop upstage centre.)
SIMON CRUMBLE
Have you got the lunch money, Emily?
EMILY CRUMBLE
Yes, Dad.
TINA CRUMBLE
Why can’t I have my own lunch money?
SIMON CRUMBLE
You lose things, Tina.
EMILY CRUMBLE
You lose things.
TINA CRUMBLE
Oh, Oh, little Miss Echo!
SIMON CRUMBLE
That’s enough. Remember, go straight home after school.
EMILY CRUMBLE
We will, Dad. Bye.
TINA CRUMBLE
Bye, Dad.
(TINA and EMILY exit left. SIMON goes to STARRLA and stands beside her.)
SIMON CRUMBLE
Good morning.
STARRLA COSMINA
Hello.
(There is a pause.)
STARRLA
What time is it?
SIMON CRUMBLE
(consulting his watch)
7:45.
STARRLA COSMINA
And the day?
SIMON CRUMBLE
The day?
STARRLA COSMINA
And the month and year.
SIMON CRUMBLE
Tuesday, October 5th., 2004.
STARRLA COSMINA
(after another pause)
Where are you going?
SIMON CRUMBLE
(a bit surprised)
Pardon?
STARRLA COSMINA
Your destination.
SIMON CRUMBLE
Oh! Work.
STARRLA COSMINA
Where is work?
SIMON CRUMBLE
Downtown.
STARRLA COSMINA
How will you get there?
SIMON CRUMBLE
(not sure what to think of her)
This is a bus stop.
STARRLA COSMINA
Forgive me for being so inquisitive.
SIMON CRUMBLE
I’m not used to talking to people at this stop.
STARRLA COSMINA
Why?
SIMON CRUMBLE
Usually there’s no one here.
STARRLA COSMINA
I’ll be here from now on.
SIMON CRUMBLE
Oh.
STARRLA COSMINA
I will be on the bus, too.
SIMON CRUMBLE
No doubt.
STARRLA COSMINA
I’m Starrla.
SIMON CRUMBLE
Starrla.
STARRLA COSMINA
And you?
SIMON CRUMBLE
(after a pause)
Simon.
STARRLA COSMINA
Simon.
SIMON CRUMBLE
(looking to the left)
The bus!
(SIMON waves to the imaginary driver, but the bus goes past him. He tracks it with his eyes as it goes past him.)
SIMON
(shouting and waving to the driver)
Hey!
(louder)
Hey!
(The imaginary bus finally stops, offstage right.)
SIMON
Happens every day. Come on. If we don’t hurry she’ll leave us.
(SIMON and STARRLA exit right, hurrying to catch the bus.)
Starrla Cosmina by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 3:
(EMILY and TINA CRUMBLE enter from the left. They are in the foyer of their school.)
EMILY CRUMBLE
We’re early.
TINA CRUMBLE
Nothing to do but wait for the bell.
EMILY CRUMBLE
Do you miss Mom, Tina.
TINA CRUMBLE
Of course.
EMILY CRUMBLE
Today’s the second anniversary.
TINA CRUMBLE
Don’t remind me.
EMILY CRUMBLE
Two years since she left.
TINA CRUMBLE
Two years. We were in grade seven.
EMILY CRUMBLE
Do you think Dad misses her?
TINA CRUMBLE
I know it.
EMILY CRUMBLE
There was a woman at the bus stop.
TINA CRUMBLE
Yeah. So?
EMILY CRUMBLE
There’s never anyone at the bus stop.
TINA CRUMBLE
Except Dad.
EMILY CRUMBLE
Maybe it means something.
TINA CRUMBLE
Like what?
EMILY CRUMBLE
Something.
(MARLEY JUDGE enters from the right with LYZA SPINNER, MARGIE NULL, BRUCE MYNDE, and TERRY FYE. They are known as “the Chic Clique”.)
MARLEY JUDGE
Hey, it’s the Crumble twins.
EMILY CRUMBLE
Marley.
MARGIE NULL
Are you two really twins?
TINA CRUMBLE
We’re not identical.
LYZA SPINNER
You don’t look like you’re even related.
EMILY CRUMBLE
We’re related, Lyza.
BRUCE MYNDE
How do you know for sure?
TERRY FIE
You could have fake birth certificates.
MARLEY JUDGE
Maybe your parents lied to you. It happens.
EMILY CRUMBLE
They didn’t lie.
LYZA SPINNER
Maybe your mom had a secret lover.
TINA CRUMBLE
Let’s go, Emily.
EMILY CRUMBLE
No. We were here first.
(FANCY STORY, ROD GROUNDER, and THEO LOGAN enter from stage left. They watch from upstage.)
MARGIE NULL
We’re sorry if we upset you.
BRUCE MYNDE
We can’t help it if your mom cheated on your dad.
TERRY FIE
You make it sound like it’s our fault.
LYZA SPINNER
So what if your mom had a secret lover? It’s romantic.
MARLEY JUDGE
Is that why she left your dad?
TINA CRUMBLE
Emily!
EMILY CRUMBLE
Why don’t you all crawl back under your rock?
LYZA SPINNER
That’s not very friendly.
MARGIE NULL
You won’t make friends with anyone if you talk like that.
BRUCE MYNDE
Don’t you want us to be your friends?
TERRY FIE
Aren’t we good enough for you?
MARLEY JUDGE
We try to be your friends and you treat us like crap.
TINA CRUMBLE
We’ve already got friends.
LYZA SPINNER
(looking over at FANCY, ROD, and THEO)
Those guys?
MARGIE NULL
They’re not really your friends.
MARLEY JUDGE
They’re just desperate.
BRUCE MYNDE
And lonely and needy.
TERRY FIE
Even more lonely and needy than you.
MARGIE NULL
Oh, don’t look so grumpy. We just gave you a compliment.
MARLEY JUDGE
Isn’t that what friends are for?
(The CHIC CLIQUE laugh and exit left, making FANCY, ROD, and THEO move out of their way)
Starrla Cosmina by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 4:
(SADIE, ROD, and THEO join EMILY and TINA.)
SADIE STORY
That was just plain ugly.
ROD GROUNDER
Talk about mean.
THEO LOGAN
They bring a whole new level of meaning to the word “cruel”.
TINA CRUMBLE
Why do they pick on us?
EMILY CRUMBLE
They pick on everybody.
SADIE STORY
You’d think rich kids would have better manners.
ROD GROUNDER
Being rich isn’t the same as being kind.
THEO LOGAN
Kind people don’t get rich.
EMILY CRUMBLE
Their timing’s perfect.
TINA CRUMBLE
Today’s the second anniversary of Mom leaving.
SADIE STORY
I try not to remember the dates of sad things.
ROD GROUNDER
Look to the future, I always say.
THEO LOGAN
They say it takes two years to grieve a major loss.
EMILY CRUMBLE
Yeah? Well, it’s been two years and I’m not done grieving.
SADIE STORY
At least your mom’s still alive.
TINA CRUMBLE
Sorry, Sadie. We didn’t mean to remind you.
SADIE STORY
You didn’t remind me. It’s something I never forget.
ROD GROUNDER
Then there’s my dad. I don’t even know where he is.
THEO LOGAN
My parents should just divorce and get it over with.
TINA CRUMBLE
Hey, isn’t this a great way to start the day?
SADIE STORY
Nothing like a brisk plunge into the great black abyss of grief and despair!
EMILY CRUMBLE
(checking her watch)
English class starts in one minute.
THEO LOGAN
Life goes on whether we want it to or not.
(They all exit right.)
Starrla Cosmina by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 5:
(REBECCA BURNAM enters from stage left, dressed for work. She sells real estate. She primps and makes last-minute adjustments to her clothes and makeup. NERO BURNAM enters from stage right.)
NERO BURNAM
You remember your phone, honey?
REBECCA BURNAM
In my handbag.
NERO BURNAM
(watching her for a moment)
You look tense, Rebecca. What’s up?
REBECCA BURNAM
Today’s the second anniversary of me leaving.
NERO BURNAM
No kidding. Two years already.
REBECCA BURNAM
Feels like ten to me.
NERO BURNAM
Am I that hard to live with?
REBECCA BURNAM
I miss the twins.
NERO BURNAM
Do we have to start on all that again?
REBECCA BURNAM
What do you mean “all that”?
NERO BURNAM
You know as well as I do it’s best they’re with Simon.
REBECCA BURNAM
We could buy a house in the suburbs.
NERO BURNAM
We live downtown because we have to, Rebecca.
REBECCA BURNAM
Remind me why we have to.
NERO BURNAM
It’s were the action is. The money.
REBECCA BURNAM
Right. The money.
NERO BURNAM
Don’t go acting high and mighty. You like money too.
REBECCA BURNAM
I like money, but I love my kids.
NERO BURNAM
You couldn’t make support payments if you didn’t earn good money.
REBECCA BURNAM
I’d rather support them by giving them a home.
NERO BURNAM
They’ve got a home, and it’s a good one.
REBECCA BURNAM
It sure beats this condo.
NERO BURNAM
Do you want out of this relationship?
REBECCA BURNAM
What?
NERO BURNAM
If you want out, just tell me and I’m gone.
REBECCA BURNAM
I don’t want to be alone.
NERO BURNAM
Maybe good old Simon would take you back.
REBECCA BURNAM
Don’t call him “good old Simon”.
NERO BURNAM
Sorry.
REBECCA BURNAM
I hate it when you patronize him.
NERO BURNAM
Jeez, I said I was sorry. Don’t make me crawl.
REBECCA BURNAM
Aren’t you late for work?
NERO BURNAM
I’m meeting a widow who wants a luxury condo. Should be an easy sale.
REBECCA BURNAM
Nothing like taking money from a widow.
NERO BURNAM
I’m gone. Hope you’re in a better mood tonight, Sweet Thing.
(NERO goes to peck REBECCA on the cheek, but she pulls away. He shrugs his shoulders and exits left. She takes out a photo of the twins, looks at it, puts it back and exits right.)
Starrla Cosmina by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 6:
(MS. WONDER and MS. METHOD enter from stage left.)
MS. METHOD
So two of your students were crying, Fortuna?
MS. WONDER
Yes. Emily and Tina Crumble. We were reading “A Doll’s House”.
MS. METHOD
That old play by Henrik Ibsen?
MS. WONDER
Yes. Tough stuff for grade nine.
MS. METHOD
Isn’t it about a woman who leaves her husband and children?
MS. WONDER
That’s right. We were just getting to the end, where Nora explains why she’s leaving.
MS. METHOD
And that’s when Emily and Tina started to cry?
MS. WONDER
They began weeping, so I let them leave the room.
MS. METHOD
Why would a couple of kids cry about an old play like “A Doll’s House”?
MS. WONDER
Today’s the second anniversary of their parents separating.
MS. METHOD
How did you find out?
MS. WONDER
Their friend Sadie Story told me.
MS. METHOD
Well, it’s not your fault. You didn’t know.
MS. WONDER
Teaching English has its risks.
MS. METHOD
Give me science anyday. Clean, empirical, unemotional.
MS. WONDER
So many of the kids come from broken homes nowadays.
MS. METHOD
Tell me about it. It’s like an epidemic.
MS. WONDER
I wish there was something I could do.
MS. METHOD
Just be a good teacher. That’s enough.
(They exit right.)
ACT TWO:
(STARRLA COSMINA enters from stage right.)
STARRLA COSMINA
Gloria Eterna said I should “pray” if I wanted her.
(STARRLA closes her eyes and concentrates. GLORIA ETERNA enters from stage left.)
GLORIA ETERNA
You want to talk to me, Starrla?
STARRLA COSMINA
So praying works.
GLORIA ETERNA
I’m not sure you should call it “praying”.
STARRLA COSMINA
Why?
GLORIA ETERNA
The word has religious connotations.
STARRLA COSMINA
You told me it was called “praying”.
GLORIA ETERNA
Let’s call it “meditation” instead.
STARRLA COSMINA
Fine.
GLORIA ETERNA
You have a question for me?
STARRLA COSMINA
How am I doing?
GLORIA ETERNA
You tell me.
STARRLA COSMINA
I meet him at the bus stop every day.
GLORIA ETERNA
Good, good.
STARRLA COSMINA
I ride the bus with him.
GLORIA ETERNA
Uh huh.
STARRLA COSMINA
We talk.
GLORIA ETERNA
What about?
STARRLA COSMINA
He explains things to me.
GLORIA ETERNA
About how things work on Earth?
STARRLA COSMINA
The simple things. Money, public transit, looking for a job.
GLORIA ETERNA
Did you get a job yet?
STARRLA COSMINA
In a bakery. It’s where they prepare delicacies.
GLORIA ETERNA
How about a place to stay?
STARRLA COSMINA
A thing called a “furnished basement suite”.
GLORIA ETERNA
Comfortable?
STARRLA COSMINA
It’ll do.
GLORIA ETERNA
Anything else?
STARRLA COSMINA
How will I know when he’s fallen in love with me?
GLORIA ETERNA
You’ll know.
STARRLA COSMINA
I better get back to work.
GLORIA ETERNA
Yes.
(GLORIA ETERNA exits right.)
Starrla Cosmina by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 7:
(SIMON CRUMBLE enters from the right with EMILY and TINA, just as in Act One.)
EMILY CRUMBLE
Why don’t you let Tina carry the lunch money just this once, Dad.
TINA CRUMBLE
Take a chance, Dad. You might be surprised.
SIMON CRUMBLE
Take a chance?
TINA CRUMBLE
Yeah.
SIMON CRUMBLE
I’ve been thinking about doing that.
EMILY CRUMBLE
So it’s okay?
SIMON CRUMBLE
What?
EMILY CRUMBLE
To let Tina carry the money?
SIMON CRUMBLE
Oh, sure. Why not.
(EMILY gives TINA the money while SIMON watches STARRLA.)
TINA CRUMBLE
Hey, Earth to Dad. Aren’t you going to tell us to
(mimicking his voice)
“come straight home after school”?
EMILY CRUMBLE
He’s lost in space.
SIMON CRUMBLE
(turning to them)
Bye, girls. Remember to come straight home after school.
TINA CRUMBLE
We always do, Dad.
EMILY CRUMBLE
See you tonight.
(TINA and EMILY exit left and SIMON goes downstage and stands beside STARRLA.)
Starrla Cosmina by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 8:
STARRLA COSMINA
Hello, Simon.
SIMON CRUMBLE
Good morning, Starrla.
STARRLA COSMINA
Did you enjoy the banana cream pie?
SIMON CRUMBLE
Yes. Thank you for thinking of us.
STARRLA COSMINA
My boss let me have it for half price.
SIMON CRUMBLE
Because you work there?
STARRLA COSMINA
No. He says I get half off because I’m pretty.
SIMON CRUMBLE
He’s teasing you.
STARRLA COSMINA
Teasing?
SIMON CRUMBLE
Or flirting.
STARRLA COSMINA
Is he right?
SIMON CRUMBLE
About what?
STARRLA COSMINA
Am I pretty, Simon?
SIMON CRUMBLE
You’re…
(not knowing how to proceed)
…you’re an attractive young woman.
STARRLA COSMINA
I’m not so young.
SIMON CRUMBLE
No?
STARRLA COSMINA
How old do you think I am?
SIMON CRUMBLE
A gentleman should never guess a lady’s age.
STARRLA COSMINA
And you are a gentleman, Simon.
SIMON CRUMBLE
Starrla, would you like to meet my children?
STARRLA COSMINA
I feel like I already have.
SIMON CRUMBLE
Oh?
STARRLA COSMINA
You talk about them a lot.
SIMON CRUMBLE
I suppose I do.
STARRLA COSMINA
And I see them every day when you say goodbye to them.
SIMON CRUMBLE
I don’t like saying goodbye.
STARRLA COSMINA
I’d like to get to know your children, Simon.
SIMON CRUMBLE
Would you like to go for dinner with us tonight?
STARRLA COSMINA
Yes.
(looking left)
Here’s the bus!
(They both wave as the bus drives right past. They both shout “Hey” and the bus stops.)
SIMON CRUMBLE
She still never stops in time!
(They run off right to catch the bus.)
Starrla Cosmina by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 9:
(EMILY and TINA enter from the left. They are in the foyer of the school again.)
EMILY CRUMBLE
Early to school again.
TINA CRUMBLE
Better early than late.
EMILY CRUMBLE
Dad’s got a thing for that woman who gave us the pie.
TINA CRUMBLE
That’s obvious. He wasn’t even listening to us at the bus stop.
EMILY CRUMBLE
All he could do was stare at her.
TINA CRUMBLE
What if he falls in love with her?
EMILY CRUMBLE
I think he already has.
TINA CRUMBLE
I bet he’s in love with her and doesn’t even know it.
EMILY CRUMBLE
He better not try to replace Mom.
TINA CRUMBLE
But Mom’s gone, Emily.
EMILY CRUMBLE
I don’t want a stepmother.
TINA CRUMBLE
What if she’s nice?
EMILY CRUMBLE
Nice? What kind of word is “nice”. It makes her sound like a pie.
TINA CRUMBLE
You know what I mean.
(The CHIC CLIQUE enter from the right.)
TINA CRUMBLE
Uh oh.
MARLEY JUDGE
You two always stand in the same place every day.
EMILY CRUMBLE
The school foyer’s a public place.
TINA CRUMBLE
People can stand wherever they want.
LYZA SPINNER
Nobody said they couldn’t. You don’t have to be all defensive.
EMILY CRUMBLE
It’s hard not to be when you get on our case.
MARGIE NULL
Where’d you get the idea we’re “on your case”?
BRUCE MYNDE
Why would we even bother to get on your case?
TERRY FIE
You don’t even have a case to get onto.
TINA CRUMBLE
Let’s go to class, Emily.
EMILY CRUMBLE
It’s no use running away, Tina.
(SADIE, ROD, and THEO enter from the left and watch.)
MARLEY JUDGE
Oh, look. It’s your fan club.
EMILY CRUMBLE
They’re friends, not fans.
LYZA SPINNER
Like that woman is friends with your dad?
TINA CRUMBLE
What woman?
BRUCE MYNDE
Don’t pretend you don’t know what we’re talking about.
TERRY FIE
Tell them what they already know, Margie.
MARGIE NULL
That woman who rides with your dad on the bus my mom takes.
EMILY CRUMBLE
Why’d you brag about your mom having a new BMW if she rides the bus?
MARGIE NULL
She cares about the environment.
MARLEY JUDGE
Margie has a caring family.
LYZA SPINNER
It’s not all broken up like some people’s.
BRUCE MYNDE
It’s kind of sad the way your family’s all busted and broken.
TERRY FIE
I mean, just look how messed you are about it.
MARLEY JUDGE
But maybe your little family won’t be broken up much longer.
MARGIE NULL
Maybe your dad’s going to get you a new mommy.
MARLEY JUDGE
Someone to tuck you into bed at night. Sweet dreams!
(They exit left, laughing and ad-libbing about the twins.)
Starrla Cosmina by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 10:
(SADIE, ROD, and THEO join EMILY and TINA.)
SADIE STORY
Those bullies know everything that’s going on.
ROD GROUNDER
They’ve got spies everywhere.
THEO LOGAN
It’s a shame such nasty people can be so successful.
EMILY CRUMBLE
My dad isn’t going out with anyone.
TINA CRUMBLE
At least not yet.
EMILY CRUMBLE
Tina!
SADIE STORY
I’d be okay with my dad dating someone.
EMILY CRUMBLE
It’s not the same. Your mom, well, she’s passed on.
THEO LOGAN
And Emily and Tina’s is still around, so that makes a difference.
TINA CRUMBLE
It’s weird to think of Dad with someone who’s not Mom.
ROD GROUNDER
I bet my Dad’s with a new woman. Maybe lots of women, and not very nice ones.
TINA CRUMBLE
My Dad’s so lonely and vulnerable.
EMILY CRUMBLE
Any woman could get on his good side so easily.
SADIE STORY
Hey, it’s too soon to worry.
ROD GROUNDER
Your dad’s not even going out with her.
THEO LOGAN
And if he does date her, she could turn out to be a really great person.
EMILY CRUMBLE
You’re pretty optimistic for a kid whose parents fight all the time, Theo.
THEO LOGAN
Hey, there’s nothing wrong with hoping for the best.
TINA CRUMBLE
I want what’s best for Dad.
EMILY CRUMBLE
The best thing would be for him and Mom to get back together.
SADIE STORY
Face it, Emily. That hardly ever happens, and your mom’s remarried.
ROD GROUNDER
Hey, don’t spoil her dream, Sadie.
THEO LOGAN
Yeah, let her hope for the best.
SADIE STORY
I’m sorry, Emily. It’s just hard for me to believe in miracles.
TINA CRUMBLE
It’s not fair of us to talk about fairy tale endings in front of Sadie.
SADIE STORY
No, I don’t mind. I have to face the truth like everyone else.
ROD GROUNDER
And the truth is that English class is about to start. Let’s go.
(They exit right.)
Starrla Cosmina by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 11:
(REBECCA BURNAM enters from the left. She takes out her phone and calls SIMON.)
REBECCA BURNAM
Hello, Simon?
(holding the phone away from herself)
Darn answering service.
(holding the phone up to her ear again)
Simon, it’s Rebecca. I’d like to see the girls this weekend. I could meet them at the multiplex, take them to a movie and dinner. Let me know. I hope you get this message.
(REBECCA puts the phone away as NERO BURNAM enters from the right.)
NERO BURNAM
Who’re you calling, honey?
REBECCA BURNAM
Simon. I want to see the kids this weekend.
NERO BURNAM
We’re supposed to be going to the real estate conference this weekend.
REBECCA BURNAM
I’m sorry, Nero, but I need to see my kids.
NERO BURNAM
Why can’t it wait a few days?
REBECCA BURNAM
I don’t know. Does everything have to have a reason?
NERO BURNAM
I was at the office where Simon works today.
REBECCA BURNAM
Why?
NERO BURNAM
To pick up some documents.
REBECCA BURNAM
Did you talk to Simon?
NERO BURNAM
No, but I heard some gossip.
REBECCA BURNAM
About Simon?
NERO BURNAM
Apparently, he’s seeing someone.
REBECCA BURNAM
(pausing to digest this information)
He’s got a right to do that.
NERO BURNAM
It doesn’t bother you?
REBECCA BURNAM
If it bothered me, I’d still be living with him.
NERO BURNAM
You mean you want him to be with another woman?
REBECCA BURNAM
I want him to be happy.
NERO BURNAM
Like you.
REBECCA BURNAM
(after a pause)
You think I’m happy, Nero?
NERO BURNAM
You’ve got money. A good career. This lovely condo. Me.
REBECCA BURNAM
I’ve got you.
NERO BURNAM
And now Simon’s got someone, so we’re all okay.
REBECCA BURNAM
My kids aren’t okay.
NERO BURNAM
Hey, kids are tough. They’ll adapt.
REBECCA BURNAM
Maybe I should go to that real estate conference.
NERO BURNAM
That’s my girl.
(NERO exits left and REBECCA takes out her phone. She hesitates, then dials.)
REBECCA BURNAM
Simon? It’s Rebecca. Forget it about next weekend. Something’s come up.
(She lowers her phone, looks down at it thoughtfully for a moment, then exits right.)
Starrla Cosmina by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 12:
(MS. WONDER and MS. METHOD enter from stage left.)
MS. METHOD
How are Emily and Tina Crumble doing, Fortuna?
MS. WONDER
Tears have turned into anger, it seems.
MS. METHOD
What are they angry about?
MS. WONDER
Their wicked stepmother.
MS. METHOD
Their father’s remarrying?
MS. WONDER
No. It’s all just an elaborate fantasy.
MS. METHOD
But its real enough to make them angry.
MS. WONDER
All kids wants their parents to get back together.
MS. METHOD
Is the mother single?
MS. WONDER
No, she remarried.
MS. METHOD
So if the father remarries, the last faint hope is gone.
MS. WONDER
That’s about it.
MS. METHOD
No wonder they’re angry.
MS. WONDER
It’s silly of me to get so involved. It’s none of my business.
MS. METHOD
You’re not gossiping about them. You’re just showing concern.
MS. WONDER
I’m not even married myself. I don’t know anything about it.
MS. METHOD
Even a couple of old-maid school teachers like us have a right to worry about other people’s marriage problems.
MS. WONDER
Do we?
MS. METHOD
Yes, when those problems affect our students.
MS. WONDER
I suppose you’re right. I wish I could make it all better for Emily and Tina.
MS. METHOD
You sound more like a parent than a teacher.
(They exit right.)
ACT THREE
Starrla Cosmina by Richard Stuart Dixon, Good School Plays.
Scene 13:
(STARRLA COSMINA enters from stage right.)
STARRLA COSMINA
This time I’m calling it “meditation”.
(STARRLA closes her eyes and GLORIA ETERNA enters from stage left.)
GLORIA ETERNA
Praying again, Starrla?
STARRLA COSMINA
Meditating.
GLORIA ETERNA
Actually, “meditating” is watching your own thoughts, not talking inside your mind.
STARRLA COSMINA
You suggested the word “meditating”.
GLORIA ETERNA
There just isnt’ a good word for it.
STARRLA COSMINA
Couldn’t we just call it “asking for help”?
GLORIA ETERNA
I suppose. What do you want?
STARRLA COSMINA
Advice.
GLORIA ETERNA
About what?
STARRLA COSMINA
Being in love.
GLORIA ETERNA
So he’s in love with you?
STARRLA COSMINA
It’s a little more complicated than that.
GLORIA ETERNA
Explain.
STARRLA COSMINA
I think I’m in love with him.
GLORIA ETERNA
That’s not supposed to happen.
STARRLA COSMINA
I’m sorry.
GLORIA ETERNA
You’re starting to forget who you are.
STARRLA COSMINA
Earth’s a rather confusing place.
GLORIA ETERNA
Well, you have to finish your work whether you’re in love or not.
STARRLA COSMINA
Yes, Gloria, I will have to finish it.
GLORIA ETERNA
You must pull yourself together, Starrla.
STARRLA COSMINA
Together. Yes.
GLORIA ETERNA
You’ve got a job to do.
STARRLA COSMINA
Yes.
GLORIA ETERNA
So do it.
(GLORIA ETERNA exits right.)
STARRLA COSMINA
Easy for her to say.
Scene 2:
(SIMON, EMILY, and TINA enter from the right. This time, all three go up to STARRLA.)
SIMON CRUMBLE
Morning, Starrla.
(SIMON takes STARRLA’s hand.)
STARRLA COSMINA
Hello, Simon. Hi, Emily and Tina.
EMILY CRUMBLE
Hey.
TINA CRUMBLE
Hi, Starrla.
SIMON CRUMBLE
Go ahead, kids.
EMILY CRUMBLE
Dad had a talk with us last night.
TINA CRUMBLE
He asked us if we’d mind if you came to live with us.
STARRLA COSMINA
That sounds like a very serious talk.
TINA CRUMBLE
We said it would be okay.
EMILY CRUMBLE
On one condition.
STARRLA COSMINA
What’s that?
EMILY CRUMBLE
That you always remember we have a real mom.
TINA CRUMBLE
Everyone who was ever born has a real mom.
EMILY CRUMBLE
We don’t want you to get confused about that.
STARRLA COSMINA
I’ll try not to.
SIMON CRUMBLE
Well, that’s that. Have you got the lunch money, Tina?
TINA CRUMBLE
Of course. Have I ever screwed up?
EMILY CRUMBLE
There’s always a first time, right Starrla?
STARRLA COSMINA
I’ll try hard not to screw up, Emily.
SIMON CRUMBLE
And remember…
EMILY and TINA
(together)
Remember to come straight home from school.
(EMILY and TINA exit left.)
Scene 3:
STARRLA COSMINA
Did they really agree with you about me, Simon?
SIMON CRUMBLE
I had to do a little arm-twisting.
STARRLA COSMINA
Arm-twisting?
SIMON CRUMBLE
It’s just a saying. It means “subtle pressure”.
STARRLA COSMINA
Where I’m from, we never resort to violence.
SIMON CRUMBLE
Where are you from?
STARRLA COSMINA
You promised not to ask me that.
SIMON CRUMBLE
I must be crazy-in-love with you to trust you completely and not know anything about you.
STARRLA COSMINA
You know lots about me.
SIMON CRUMBLE
I know that everythings different for me now. Better. And I hope it is for you too.
STARRLA COSMINA
It is.
(looks left)
Here’s our old friend the bus.
(They wave as the bus drives past, then call “Hey” and the bus stops to the right.)
SIMON CRUMBLE
What kind of friend always makes you run?
STARRLA COSMINA
(looking him in the eyes)
The kind you’d do anything for.
(They look at each other for a moment, then hurry off right to catch the bus.)
Scene 4:
(EMILY and TINA enter the foyer of the school from the left.)
EMILY CRUMBLE
So she’s moving in.
TINA CRUMBLE
I can hardly believe it.
EMILY CRUMBLE
I can hardly believe I let Dad talk me into it.
TINA CRUMBLE
Maybe it won’t be so bad.
EMILY CRUMBLE
Mom will never come back now.
TINA CRUMBLE
I’ve given up on hoping for that.
EMILY CRUMBLE
So now I’m the only one who wants Mom to come home.
TINA CRUMBLE
I want her to come home. I just don’t think she ever will.
(The CHIC CLIQUE enter from the right.)
TINA CRUMBLE
Not again.
MARLEY JUDGE
Hey, how do you like your new stepmother?
LYZA SPINNER
Is she a wicked stepmother like in the fairy tales?
MARGIE NULL
Is she going to make your dad take you into the forest and leave you there?
BRUCE MYNDE
Or put you in a cage and fatten you up and eat you?
TERRY FIE
Or make you eat a poison apple and put you to sleep forever?
EMILY CRUMBLE
She’s not a stepmother.
MARLEY JUDGE
Then what is she, a special companion from an escort service?
LYZA SPINNER
Does your dad pay her to be with him?
MARGIE NULL
Or does she pay your dad?
BRUCE MYNDE
Somebody’s got to pay.
TERRY FIE
That kind of company doesn’t come cheap.
TINA CRUMBLE
Why do have to be so mean?
EMILY CRUMBLE
Because they want everyone to be unhappy, like them.
MARLEY JUDGE
Where’d you get that idea? We’re happy, and we’d like you to be happy, too.
LYZA SPINNER
But you never laugh when we tease you.
MARGIE NULL
Always so serious.
BRUCE MYNDE
We just want you to have a good laugh about your dad.
TERRY FIE
But you act like it’s all some big tragedy.
EMILY CRUMBLE
You don’t want us to laugh.
TINA CRUMBLE
You want us to feel bad.
(SADIE, ROD, and THEO enter from the left, see what’s going on, look at each other and wait patiently for the encounter to end.)
MARLEY JUDGE
Hey, we just tell it like it is.
LYZA SPINNER
If you don’t see the humour in it, it’s not our fault.
MARGIE NULL
They say clowns aren’t supposed to laugh at themselves.
BRUCE MYNDE
And you’ve got to admit, you’re pretty good pair of clowns, never laughing.
TERRY FIE
You and your new stepmother should consider a career in the circus.
EMILY CRUMBLE
You’re the clowns.
MARLEY JUDGE
Sure, and we know when a story’s funny and when it’s not. Yours is funny.
LYZA SPINNER
You’ve got a dad whose in love with a woman who acts like she’s from another planet.
MARGIE NULL
How does it feel to have an alien in your house?
BRUCE MYNDE
Does she take you up to the mother-ship at night?
TERRY FIE
And show you the wonders of the universe?
TINA CRUMBLE
You guys are really creepy, you know that?
MARLEY JUDGE
If you want to see something creepy, take a close look in the mirror sometime.
LYZA SPINNER
We go out of our way to be nice to you and you go all weird on us.
MARGIE NULL
You should try to have fun for once instead of being so, like, prickly and hostile!
BRUCE MYNDE
Your faces look old already, and you’re not even out of high school.
TERRY FIE
I guess living with an alien is sucking the life force right out of you.
EMILY CRUMBLE
One day something bad is going to happen to you and your friends, Marley Judge.
MARLEY JUDGE
Oh, is that a threat? Is it?
LYZA SPINNER
You could get charged for that, Emily Crumble.
MARGIE NULL
Criminal harassment.
BRUCE MYNDE
Making threats so we get all tense.
TERRY FIE
So we can’t concentrate in our classes.
TINA CRUMBLE
Emily’s right. Something bad will happen to you, Marley, and you too, Lyza, Margie, Bruce and Terry!
MARLEY JUDGE
What? What will happen?
EMILY CRUMBLE
Whatever it is that happens to people who spend their time gossiping and bullying.
BRUCE MYNDE
Now they’ve both said something bad’s going to happen to us.
TERRY FIE
That’s twice as serious.
LYZA SPINNER
Let’s go tell the vice-principal what they said, Marley.
MARGIE NULL
Making threats against us.
MARLEY JUDGE
This is a zero-tolerance school. You’re gonna get kicked out.
(The CHIC CLIQUE begin to exit left. MARLEY sees ROD looking at him. She gives him a push.)
MARLEY JUDGE
What are you looking at?
ROD GROUNDER
Nothing.
(The CHIC CLIQUE complete their exit and SADIE, ROD, and THEO join EMILY and TINA.)
Scene 5:
SADIE STORY
That was fun.
ROD GROUNDER
You’ve got to hand it to those kids. They’re really good at what they do.
THEO LOGAN
Too bad “what they do” is so nasty.
EMILY CRUMBLE
At least we’re getting better at hitting back.
TINA CRUMBLE
I can’t believe I said those things to them.
SADIE STORY
Hey, they wanted you to hit back.
ROD GROUNDER
Now they can go to the office and complain.
THEO LOGAN
And like Marley said, this is a zero-tolerance school.
SADIE STORY
So you two really could get kicked out.
EMILY CRUMBLE
We didn’t do anything.
ROD GROUNDER
You said something bad would happen to them.
THEO LOGAN
That’s all it takes.
TINA CRUMBLE
Dad will be so mad if we get kicked out.
SADIE STORY
What was all that stuff about your dad’s friend being an alien?
EMILY CRUMBLE
Who knows.
ROD GROUNDER
Does she glow in the dark?
TINA CRUMBLE
Rod! You sound like Marley and her gang.
ROD GROUNDER
Whoops! Sorry.
SADIE STORY
Those bullies can’t stand anyone or anything that’s on the side of kindness and love.
THEO LOGAN
I’d say they’re the aliens. Or at least I hope they are. It’s too depressing to think they’re actually humans like us.
SADIE STORY
What does your mom think about your dad’s girlfriend?
EMILY CRUMBLE
She pretends it’s okay.
ROD GROUNDER
Pretends?
EMILY CRUMBLE
I can tell she doesn’t like it.
TINA CRUMBLE
But she tries real hard to accept it.
EMILY CRUMBLE
And so do we.
TINA CRUMBLE
We want our dad to be happy.
EMILY CRUMBLE
Even if we’re not.
THEO LOGAN
Seems like everyone’s trying to make your dad happy.
EMILY CRUMBLE
No. He’s trying to make himself happy.
TINA CRUMBLE
We’re just going along with it.
SADIE STORY
That’s nice of you. I’m not kidding, it really is.
ROD GROUNDER
(checking his watch)
Hey, English class is waiting.
EMILY CRUMBLE
All right, Mr. Wristwatch. Let’s go.
(They all exit right.)
Scene 6:
(NERO BURNAM enters. He paces, looks at his watch, and waits. Finally, REBECCA BURNUM enters.)
NERO BURNAM
Where’ve you been?
REBECCA BURNAM
With the kids.
NERO BURNAM
Until midnight?
REBECCA BURNAM
We were having fun. I forgot to keep track of the time.
NERO BURNAM
That’s for sure.
REBECCA BURNAM
They seem happy.
NERO BURNAM
Great.
REBECCA BURNAM
And Simon, too.
NERO BURNAM
Simon was there?
REBECCA BURNAM
And Starrla.
NERO BURNAM
The new girlfriend?
REBECCA BURNAM
I hate that word “girlfriend”.
NERO BURNAM
That’s what she is.
REBECCA BURNAM
She’s a woman, not a girl. And she’s a good person.
NERO BURNAM
“A good person”. Now there’s a phrase I hate.
REBECCA BURNAM
Why?
NERO BURNAM
It makes the person sound sexless.
REBECCA BURNAM
Funny you should mention that.
NERO BURNAM
Why?
REBECCA BURNAM
She is surprisingly sexless.
NERO BURNAM
What’s that supposed to mean?
REBECCA BURNAM
Whatever qualities she has, and she has plenty, they’re not what you’d call sexual.
NERO BURNAM
So good old Simon’s into platonic relationships?
REBECCA BURNAM
How many times do I have to tell you I don’t like it when you say “good old Simon”.
NERO BURNAM
What’s going on here?
REBECCA BURNAM
What?
NERO BURNAM
You come home from an evening with your ex and his girlfriend and you’re acting like you’d like to move back in with him.
REBECCA BURNAM
I enjoyed being with Simon. He’s like he was when I first met him.
NERO BURNAM
Because of the new chick…sorry…woman…in his life?
REBECCA BURNAM
I suppose so.
NERO BURNAM
Well, he’s taken now, Rebecca, so there’s no point fantasizing about a reconciliation.
REBECCA BURNAM
I’m not a fool, Nero.
NERO BURNAM
No? Forgive me for saying so, but you’re beginning to act like one.
REBECCA BURNAM
You’re jealous.
NERO BURNAM
Of course I’m jealous. You’re my wife, and you’d rather be with your ex and his lover.
REBECCA BURNAM
Look, Nero, maybe you need to do a little thinking.
NERO BURNAM
About what?
REBECCA BURNAM
About us.
NERO BURNAM
What you and I have together, well, it isn’t about thinking, that’s for sure.
REBECCA BURNAM
What is it about?
NERO BURNAM
I don’t know any more.
(NERO exits right and after a moment, REBECCA takes out her phone and makes a call.)
REBECCA BURNAM
Hello, Simon? I just wanted to thank you for this evening, and Starrla too. Give the kids a hug for me, will you? Thanks.
(REBECCA puts her phone away, looks to the right were NERO exited, sighs, and goes off right to reluctantly join him.)
Scene 7:
(MS. WONDER and MS. METHOD enter from stage left.)
MS. WONDER
It’s surprising how fast things can change.
MS. METHOD
Are you talking about Emily and Tina again?
MS. WONDER
Yes. They’re so much happier now.
MS. METHOD
Even though they almost got kicked out of school?
MS. WONDER
Yes, even though they nearly got expelled.
MS. METHOD
What’s changed to make them happy?
MS. WONDER
Their father’s woman friend has moved in.
MS. METHOD
As I recall, you said that’s the thing that would destroy “the last faint ray of hope”.
MS. WONDER
It goes to show how little I know about people.
MS. METHOD
They’re unpredictable, that’s for sure.
MS. WONDER
And the twins are seeing much more of their mother.
MS. METHOD
They’re visiting her more often?
MS. WONDER
No, she’s visiting them, in their house, along with the father and his woman friend.
MS. METHOD
She must be a very tolerant woman to be able to handle that.
MS. WONDER
She’s left her second husband.
MS. METHOD
So she’s given up her second husband, and gone back to her first, even though there’s another woman there?
MS. WONDER
The twins say she seems happy, and they all have a good time together.
MS. METHOD
There’s something odd about that. It goes against human nature.
MS. WONDER
That’s the interesting part.
MS. METHOD
What is?
MS. WONDER
The part about “human nature” as you call it.
MS. METHOD
Why is it so interesting?
MS. WONDER
The twins say that people sometimes tease them about their father’s woman friend.
MS. METHOD
That’s not unusual.
MS. WONDER
They say she’s an alien.
MS. METHOD
An alien?
MS. WONDER
That’s right.
MS. METHOD
Ridiculous.
MS. WONDER
Is it? Like you said, what’s happening at the twins’ house goes against human nature.
MS. METHOD
Don’t tell me you think their new stepmother is an alien!
MS. WONDER
She’s not their stepmother.
MS. METHOD
Well, whatever she is, she’s not an alien.
MS. WONDER
No?
MS. METHOD
No.
MS. WONDER
Well, you’re the science teacher and I’m the English teacher.
MS. METHOD
Quite right.
MS. WONDER
So I’ll choose to believe the twins have an alien in their life.
MS. METHOD
And I’ll believe that what’s happening at the twins’ house is just an exception to the rule.
MS. WONDER
What rule?
MS. METHOD
The rule that says a man can’t have two wives.
MS. WONDER
He doesn’t have two wives.
MS. METHOD
It’s easier to believe he has two wives than that he has an alien living in his house who somehow makes everyone happy, including his ex-wife.
(They exit right.)
Scene 8:
(STARRLA COSMINA enters from stage right.)
STARRLA COSMINA
This time, I really do need help.
(STARRLA closes her eyes and GLORIA ETERNA enters from stage left.)
GLORIA ETERNA
I’m glad you summoned me, Starrla.
STARRLA COSMINA
Why?
GLORIA ETERNA
It’s time for me to take you home.
STARRLA COSMINA
So soon?
GLORIA ETERNA
The planet Earth has travelled around the sun once since you arrived, Starrla.
STARRLA COSMINA
That’s all the time I’m allowed, isn’t it.
GLORIA ETERNA
Yes.
STARRLA COSMINA
I liked it here. No. I loved it here.
GLORIA ETERNA
Remember before you left for Earth, how you said you’d be alone.
STARRLA COSMINA
And you said I’d be “all one”…that “alone” means “all one”.
GLORIA ETERNA
Do you know what that means now?
STARRLA COSMINA
That we only seem to be separate from one another. That we’re really all one.
GLORIA ETERNA
Separation is an illusion.
STARRLA COSMINA
Rebecca and Simon know that now. They’re not separated any more.
GLORIA ETERNA
And you must leave so they can be together again in the way they’re meant to be.
STARRLA COSMINA
Thank you.
GLORIA ETERNA
For what?
STARRLA COSMINA
For this chance to learn so much.
GLORIA ETERNA
You are welcome, Starrla, you are welcome.
(GLORIA ETERNA exits left. STARRLA stands downstage centre and SIMON enters with EMILY and TINA. They go to STARRLA.)
SIMON CRUMBLE
Why’d you run down to the bus stop ahead of us, Starrla?
STARRLA COSMINA
(taking his hand)
I wanted to remember how we used to meet here, Simon.
EMILY CRUMBLE
And Dad would ask us about our lunch money.
TINA CRUMBLE
And tell us to go right home after school.
SIMON CRUMBLE
Speaking of which, you better get going or you’ll be late.
EMILY CRUMBLE
Later, Dad. See you, Starrla.
TINA CRUMBLE
Bye, Dad, Starrla.
STARRLA COSMINA
Wait, children.
(STARRLA gives EMILY and TINA each a thoughtful, loving hug,)
STARRLA COSMINA
There. Goodbye.
(EMILY and TINA smile at STARRLA for a moment and exit left. STARRLA turns to SIMON.)
STARRLA COSMINA
Simon, please listen to me carefully.
SIMON CRUMBLE
I always listen to you carefully, Starrla.
STARRLA COSMINA
Simon, something wonderful is going to happen.
SIMON CRUMBLE
Something wonderful has already happened.
STARRLA COSMINA
Something even more wonderful.
SIMON CRUMBLE
What?
STARRLA COSMINA
I can’t tell you. But you might remember something afterwards. About me.
SIMON CRUMBLE
I don’t understand, Starrla.
STARRLA COSMINA
You might feel something afterward, in your heart. If you do, just remember that I love you, Simon.
SIMON CRUMBLE
This is all very mysterious!
STARRLA COSMINA
You might feel something. Just remember that I love you.
(STARRLA gives SIMON a long, careful hug, then points left.)
STARRLA COSMINA
Look, Simon…the bus!
(SIMON looks to the left. STARRLA begins to exit right as REBECCA enters from the right. SIMON keeps looking at the bus. REBECCA and STARRLA stop and look at each other for a moment, then STARRLA exits. REBECCA goes to SIMON, who still is looking at the bus.)
REBECCA BURNAM
The bus is moving slowly today, Simon.
(SIMON turns to see REBECCA. He takes her hand.)
SIMON CRUMBLE
Rebecca! For a moment I thought you were someone else.
REBECCA BURNAM
That’s funny, so did I!
SIMON CRUMBLE
(looking at her carefully)
Do you think it’s possible you’re two people in one?
REBECCA BURNAM
I believe we’re all one, Simon, all of us together.
SIMON CRUMBLE
Rebecca, thank you for coming back to me.
REBECCA BURNAM
Thank you for taking me back.
SIMON CRUMBLE
I feel something, in my heart.
REBECCA BURNAM
Just remember that I love you, Simon.
(They look at each other for a moment, then watch the bus drive past them to the right. They both shout “Hey”, and wave at the bus, then join hands, and with one more quick look at each other, run off right to catch the bus.)
END OF THE PLAY.